1
00:00:17,768 --> 00:00:20,131
- Man, this is gonna be fun!
- Ah, come on!
2
00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:21,238
Get it close to the light.
3
00:00:21,253 --> 00:00:23,548
Okay, just because you
invented Sky Knife
4
00:00:23,574 --> 00:00:25,474
doesn't mean you can
tell me how to throw.
5
00:00:25,502 --> 00:00:26,949
Hurry up, man.
You can do this.
6
00:00:26,971 --> 00:00:28,504
One, two, three.
7
00:00:28,533 --> 00:00:29,418
All: Sky Knife!
8
00:00:29,441 --> 00:00:30,708
(cheering)
9
00:00:30,816 --> 00:00:32,035
Yeah!
10
00:00:32,429 --> 00:00:33,216
What's up?
11
00:00:33,244 --> 00:00:36,272
- Oh, hey. What's up? Nothing, just a...
- Hey, uh, straight-up chillin'.
12
00:00:36,298 --> 00:00:40,088
You guys, it's a really long
story, but I think I saw an eagle.
13
00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:42,128
I was shopping for
books on Western...
14
00:00:42,147 --> 00:00:43,540
- Oh, my God!
- (all exclaim)
15
00:00:43,568 --> 00:00:44,461
- Oh!
- Oh!
16
00:00:44,488 --> 00:00:47,841
- Oh, God, what the hell?
- You were in the drop zone.
17
00:00:47,854 --> 00:00:50,123
- Good save, Nick.
- You were a hero!
18
00:00:50,149 --> 00:00:52,889
- Good save. - We were
playing Sky Knife. You mad?
19
00:00:52,923 --> 00:00:56,545
No. No. I... I think it's
been a great game this week.
20
00:00:56,558 --> 00:00:58,052
I'm amazed at how
great it is.
21
00:00:58,075 --> 00:01:00,728
Uh! Awesome! I thought you
were gonna be mad. All right.
22
00:01:00,741 --> 00:01:02,652
I'm gonna go get the bad-ass
knives from Schmidt's house.
23
00:01:02,674 --> 00:01:04,007
- Cool.
- Get 'em, girl.
24
00:01:06,304 --> 00:01:08,238
Um, guys, we
have a problem.
25
00:01:08,259 --> 00:01:10,649
I know, but Abby's gonna fix it. She's
going to get the cooler knives.
26
00:01:10,668 --> 00:01:12,988
The problem is Abby.
27
00:01:13,011 --> 00:01:17,396
She's been here one week and has
already created chaos everywhere.
28
00:01:17,416 --> 00:01:18,816
I don't know if
anybody noticed,
29
00:01:18,837 --> 00:01:20,764
but she destroyed my
sunflower painting
30
00:01:20,772 --> 00:01:23,059
- with a picture of a penis.
- The iguana's cool.
31
00:01:23,081 --> 00:01:25,268
- I like the iguana.
- Who doesn't love an iguana?
32
00:01:25,281 --> 00:01:26,950
- I like its tail.
- Yeah.
33
00:01:28,326 --> 00:01:29,852
Oh, my God, you
guys, it's Terry.
34
00:01:29,874 --> 00:01:31,740
The bastard found me.
He wants his stuff.
35
00:01:31,753 --> 00:01:34,311
Who's Terry?! What's his stuff?!
Cocaine drugs?!
36
00:01:34,330 --> 00:01:36,490
Worse. You guys
got to hide.
37
00:01:36,507 --> 00:01:38,208
Oh, my God, I knew
this was gonna happen.
38
00:01:38,235 --> 00:01:40,768
- Everybody in your earthquake
spots now! - Jess!
39
00:01:40,791 --> 00:01:42,517
(laughter)
40
00:01:42,540 --> 00:01:43,853
She's messing with you.
41
00:01:43,882 --> 00:01:45,982
(laughter)
42
00:01:46,011 --> 00:01:47,294
Yeah, I know.
43
00:01:47,313 --> 00:01:50,010
We are messing with you.
44
00:01:50,034 --> 00:01:51,401
- No. - I don't think
you were involved.
45
00:01:51,422 --> 00:01:53,046
- Don't taunt you, dude.
- You guys were all afraid of Terry.
46
00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:55,516
Us Day sisters up
to our old pranks.
47
00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:57,267
- You're not part of it.
- (in high-pitched voice): Yes, I am!
48
00:01:57,289 --> 00:02:00,128
- You got messed with.
- You got messed with, not me.
49
00:02:00,151 --> 00:02:01,698
You're doing that voice
when you get messed with.
50
00:02:01,718 --> 00:02:03,612
- No, I'm not.
- You guys, this is so fun.
51
00:02:03,643 --> 00:02:06,231
- I want to live here.
- (fake laughing): Ah, ha, ha!
52
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:09,076
That was funny, 'cause we're
messing with you again.
53
00:02:09,093 --> 00:02:11,341
No. I'm serious.
That one was real.
54
00:02:11,354 --> 00:02:12,687
I think I should live here.
55
00:02:13,496 --> 00:02:14,489
I hate this game.
56
00:02:14,498 --> 00:02:15,764
(all exclaiming)
57
00:02:16,605 --> 00:02:19,301
♪ Hey, girl ♪
58
00:02:19,331 --> 00:02:21,684
♪ What you doing? ♪
59
00:02:22,044 --> 00:02:24,225
♪ Hey, girl ♪
60
00:02:24,792 --> 00:02:26,954
♪ Where you going? ♪
61
00:02:26,965 --> 00:02:29,715
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
62
00:02:29,735 --> 00:02:31,070
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
63
00:02:31,089 --> 00:02:32,116
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
64
00:02:32,136 --> 00:02:33,425
♪ It's Jess. ♪
65
00:02:33,464 --> 00:02:37,464
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
66
00:02:41,939 --> 00:02:43,936
- You looking up how to eat a bagel?
- (laughs)
67
00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:47,164
No. I'm, uh, seeing if I passed
the LAPD entrance exam.
68
00:02:47,171 --> 00:02:49,384
Results go up
in 30 seconds.
69
00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:51,107
If you pass, you
get to be a cop?
70
00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:53,477
No, I get to go to the
police academy, you know?
71
00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:55,245
Hope I get a dog partner.
72
00:02:55,274 --> 00:02:56,930
- Yeah.
- Oh, you are pretty calm
73
00:02:56,949 --> 00:02:59,081
for someone who's about
to get life-changing news.
74
00:02:59,094 --> 00:03:00,662
You must be really
cool under pressure.
75
00:03:00,676 --> 00:03:03,348
No! I'm a huge choker.
76
00:03:03,372 --> 00:03:04,979
Huge! (laughs)
77
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,005
Girl, I ain't had a job
in over three months.
78
00:03:07,035 --> 00:03:09,308
So, this is... that
moment, I guess,
79
00:03:09,330 --> 00:03:12,031
when you find out if you're
really a failure or not.
80
00:03:13,329 --> 00:03:16,129
Check it. Excitement's
killing me!
81
00:03:16,165 --> 00:03:18,305
Man, would you look
at the... time?
82
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:22,924
Man. Girl, I got an obligation
at a sandwich meeting...
83
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:24,932
to... to go to.
84
00:03:28,048 --> 00:03:29,444
Yes...
85
00:03:31,213 --> 00:03:34,666
Nick (in dramatic voice): Well, you see,
loyalty has a price, Mr. President.
86
00:03:34,697 --> 00:03:36,441
Give me the hot dogs!
87
00:03:37,025 --> 00:03:40,460
Put the damn hot dogs in the bag,
you son of a bitch, and I won't...
88
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:44,235
Oh, my God. What are we gonna
do? She can't move in to...
89
00:03:44,472 --> 00:03:45,565
Take that off.
90
00:03:45,595 --> 00:03:47,966
- I hope those are clean.
- Enough.
91
00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:50,461
I don't want to be involved with
your weird thing with your sister.
92
00:03:50,474 --> 00:03:53,453
It's not a weird thing
with my sister.
93
00:03:53,468 --> 00:03:54,615
She is crazy.
94
00:03:54,624 --> 00:03:56,852
- No.
- She's wanted in Canada.
95
00:03:56,872 --> 00:03:59,945
Canada. No one's
wanted in Canada.
96
00:03:59,968 --> 00:04:02,454
Hey, uh, you guys want to
hang out, like, right now?
97
00:04:02,470 --> 00:04:05,323
Maybe go up to Alhambra, try
on a whole mess of jeans?
98
00:04:05,341 --> 00:04:07,368
Don't you find out about
that cop test today?
99
00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:10,062
Oh, you know...
Oh, yeah. No.
100
00:04:10,079 --> 00:04:11,947
Look, man, the Alhambra
thing, though...
101
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,694
it's getting a lot of
momentum, you know?
102
00:04:13,709 --> 00:04:15,156
So I think I'm gonna
go ahead and do that
103
00:04:15,184 --> 00:04:17,402
'cause when you... you know,
when you do that, so...
104
00:04:17,422 --> 00:04:20,991
Okay, I'm gonna guarantee you
that Abby is responsible for that.
105
00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:22,425
Winston: Yeah, she got to me.
106
00:04:22,444 --> 00:04:25,069
If you don't want Abby to live here,
Jessica, why don't you just tell her?
107
00:04:25,087 --> 00:04:29,093
Nick, you can't just tell Abby to do
something, 'cause she'll do the opposite.
108
00:04:29,117 --> 00:04:31,343
So I'm gonna have to go find
a place for her to live
109
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:33,080
and make her think
it's her idea.
110
00:04:33,102 --> 00:04:34,940
She can't find out
what I'm up to.
111
00:04:34,953 --> 00:04:37,372
Do you think you can keep her
busy and lie to her all day?
112
00:04:37,392 --> 00:04:40,735
Jess, I come from a family
of con artists and liars.
113
00:04:40,762 --> 00:04:43,964
And the one thing I learned
is, you can't lie to a liar.
114
00:04:43,979 --> 00:04:45,546
It don't fly.
115
00:04:45,666 --> 00:04:48,083
- Yeah, you shouldn't be involved.
- No, I shouldn't.
116
00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:51,284
Wait a second.
117
00:04:51,310 --> 00:04:54,225
- Are you doing reverse psychology?
- Yeah, it is reverse psychology.
118
00:04:54,256 --> 00:04:56,901
That is reverse psychology,
so you just reversed it,
119
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,298
so now it's reverse, reverse,
which is just psychology.
120
00:04:59,315 --> 00:05:01,208
Hmm, which one is it?
121
00:05:02,111 --> 00:05:03,584
You outfoxed me. I'm in.
122
00:05:03,612 --> 00:05:04,638
I'm gonna do it.
123
00:05:05,314 --> 00:05:09,818
So, our time is up, but, um, I
don't have any more clients,
124
00:05:09,844 --> 00:05:10,771
- so, uh...
- Oh.
125
00:05:10,786 --> 00:05:12,493
You brought it with
that less set, ma.
126
00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:14,889
I got to tell you. I mean,
what can't that butt do?
127
00:05:14,910 --> 00:05:17,917
- You shaped it, so
you get dibs. - Mmm.
128
00:05:17,939 --> 00:05:19,072
Dibs.
129
00:05:19,088 --> 00:05:20,412
(laughter)
130
00:05:20,418 --> 00:05:23,708
Can I get dibs? Because
both y'all butts look great.
131
00:05:23,725 --> 00:05:26,028
I mean, I can't tell
who's in first place.
132
00:05:26,287 --> 00:05:29,254
Hey, uh, Coach, you know how you're
always getting on me about my pizza baby?
133
00:05:29,277 --> 00:05:31,805
- Yeah. - Well, today is the
day that I get rid of it.
134
00:05:31,828 --> 00:05:34,944
- I am here to train.
- Save it, dude.
135
00:05:34,957 --> 00:05:37,655
You're avoiding your test
results. Nick texted me.
136
00:05:37,913 --> 00:05:39,740
Guess you can't outrun a text.
137
00:05:39,755 --> 00:05:41,582
- Nope. - Well, with the
right amount of training...
138
00:05:41,597 --> 00:05:43,928
All right, listen to me.
Um, I need you to leave.
139
00:05:43,947 --> 00:05:46,649
I'm with a client.
A beautiful one.
140
00:05:46,669 --> 00:05:48,902
I'm trying to, you know...
141
00:05:48,921 --> 00:05:50,352
- Mm.
- (whistles)
142
00:05:50,831 --> 00:05:51,872
You're trying to whistle.
143
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:53,535
No, no, no, no, no, I'm
trying to have sex with her.
144
00:05:53,555 --> 00:05:56,031
Oh! Sex.
145
00:05:56,591 --> 00:05:59,832
But I did book you for the
entire afternoon, though.
146
00:06:00,168 --> 00:06:01,288
(groans)
147
00:06:01,309 --> 00:06:02,524
- Why would you do that?
- But...
148
00:06:02,537 --> 00:06:04,888
if you guys are doing a little
thing, then I could easily just...
149
00:06:04,905 --> 00:06:06,332
- Leave and check your test scores?
- ...do a tandem session.
150
00:06:06,356 --> 00:06:07,603
- Oh, fun.
- Right?
151
00:06:07,623 --> 00:06:11,095
Coach, you should show him that
ground stretch you did on me earlier.
152
00:06:11,113 --> 00:06:13,781
It was opening me
up really nicely.
153
00:06:13,808 --> 00:06:15,381
Yes, please. (laughs)
154
00:06:15,963 --> 00:06:17,336
I don't wanna.
155
00:06:17,375 --> 00:06:18,685
(grunts)
156
00:06:19,159 --> 00:06:20,309
Oh.
157
00:06:22,438 --> 00:06:24,172
(sighs)
158
00:06:24,352 --> 00:06:25,359
(Winston grunts)
159
00:06:25,374 --> 00:06:27,915
- This is amazing.
- Oh!
160
00:06:27,936 --> 00:06:30,109
I'm taking a little
trip here, Coach.
161
00:06:30,698 --> 00:06:33,479
- You know where I'm going.
- Why do I keep looking down?
162
00:06:33,495 --> 00:06:34,970
I don't know.
163
00:06:35,827 --> 00:06:39,278
This museum is my favorite
place in Los Angeles.
164
00:06:39,862 --> 00:06:41,942
Um... come on, Nick.
165
00:06:41,958 --> 00:06:43,905
Jess is making you
babysit me, right?
166
00:06:43,919 --> 00:06:45,472
Babysit you?
167
00:06:45,494 --> 00:06:46,961
(laughing): What?
168
00:06:46,982 --> 00:06:48,534
Like you're a little baby?
169
00:06:48,553 --> 00:06:49,694
No.
170
00:06:50,806 --> 00:06:52,879
- That's how you want to play this?
- Well, I'm not "playing" it.
171
00:06:52,901 --> 00:06:54,754
- Oh. - Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing?
172
00:06:54,774 --> 00:06:56,152
- I just want to touch it.
- Don't touch it.
173
00:06:56,171 --> 00:06:58,318
- I just need to touch it. (inhales)
- But it's not for touching. Hey, hey!
174
00:06:58,337 --> 00:06:59,777
What? Can I not
jump on it?
175
00:06:59,795 --> 00:07:00,983
- Abby.
- That's not allowed?
176
00:07:00,989 --> 00:07:03,671
- Abby! - Maybe I shouldn't
climb all over the car.
177
00:07:03,686 --> 00:07:05,453
You need to get
off of that car.
178
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:07,581
Why don't you tell me
what it is Jess is up to?
179
00:07:07,597 --> 00:07:11,167
Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am,
you're scratching the hood!
180
00:07:11,206 --> 00:07:12,666
Tell me what I
want to know.
181
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:14,622
- Get off there right now.
- There's nothing to tell!
182
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:16,181
- Tell me what I want to know.
- There's nothing to tell!
183
00:07:16,205 --> 00:07:17,943
- Tell me what she's doing!
- Get her off!
184
00:07:17,962 --> 00:07:19,599
- If I tell you, will you
get off the car? - Yes.
185
00:07:19,620 --> 00:07:20,567
- You promise?
- Yes.
186
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,440
She's looking for a
safe apartment for you
187
00:07:22,464 --> 00:07:24,370
'cause she doesn't want
you to live with us!
188
00:07:26,555 --> 00:07:28,635
Now, would you please
get off the car?
189
00:07:29,836 --> 00:07:31,229
Do you guys serve
drinks here?
190
00:07:31,256 --> 00:07:32,101
(sighs)
191
00:07:32,125 --> 00:07:34,594
Why don't they
give us Tasers?
192
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,934
Wow. I mean, this
place is beautiful.
193
00:07:41,947 --> 00:07:45,755
It makes the other nine places we've
seen today just kind of fade away.
194
00:07:45,978 --> 00:07:48,045
Yeah, um, tell me about
the neighborhood.
195
00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:49,334
Is there a lot
of nightlife?
196
00:07:49,356 --> 00:07:51,796
Well, this part of
town is pretty quiet.
197
00:07:51,822 --> 00:07:54,424
Unless you count church bells.
Which you should.
198
00:07:54,434 --> 00:07:56,287
We have nine within
hearing distance.
199
00:07:56,302 --> 00:08:00,055
What about the other tenants? Are
there single men between 18 and 65?
200
00:08:00,081 --> 00:08:02,175
Actually, make
that 16 and 72.
201
00:08:02,202 --> 00:08:06,122
Most of the other tenants are
middle-aged gay veterans like myself.
202
00:08:06,139 --> 00:08:07,647
Oh. Whoa.
203
00:08:08,205 --> 00:08:09,272
Jackpot.
204
00:08:09,296 --> 00:08:13,116
And if the demons come calling, there's an
emergency room right across the street.
205
00:08:13,139 --> 00:08:14,872
You had me at
"gay veterans."
206
00:08:14,894 --> 00:08:16,847
And then again at
"emergency room."
207
00:08:16,890 --> 00:08:18,617
And before that
at "church."
208
00:08:18,639 --> 00:08:22,537
I wish I could just travel back
in time and tell 19-year-old me
209
00:08:22,555 --> 00:08:24,435
to move into a
place like this.
210
00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:27,386
Maybe I would've settled down.
Met a, you know, nice guy.
211
00:08:27,406 --> 00:08:31,161
Nothing flashy. Works in a bank,
makes a great veggie lasagna.
212
00:08:31,174 --> 00:08:33,520
- Okay, not now, Cece.
- No, don't stop her.
213
00:08:33,540 --> 00:08:34,778
Who is this guy?
214
00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:35,665
(laughs)
215
00:08:35,690 --> 00:08:36,842
Right?
216
00:08:36,869 --> 00:08:37,870
(sighs)
217
00:08:37,883 --> 00:08:40,287
Bet you are a mean dancer.
218
00:08:40,305 --> 00:08:43,071
- Come on. Live a little.
- You were right to call me.
219
00:08:43,095 --> 00:08:45,335
Nobody deals with crazy
girls better than I do.
220
00:08:45,598 --> 00:08:47,718
Crazy girls are kind
of my Hurt Locker.
221
00:08:47,731 --> 00:08:49,108
- You know what I mean, Nick?
- Okay. Yeah.
222
00:08:49,134 --> 00:08:52,029
Some-some men, they can
just walk away. Not me.
223
00:08:52,191 --> 00:08:53,928
- I just keep coming back.
- Okay, are you gonna help me
224
00:08:53,953 --> 00:08:55,300
- get her off the car?
- Mmm.
225
00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:56,779
- You know what this is, Nick?
- What?
226
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,026
- This is nonsense.
- Exactly.
227
00:08:58,050 --> 00:08:59,483
And how do we deal
with nonsense?
228
00:08:59,858 --> 00:09:02,598
No, no. We just don't stand
for it is what we do.
229
00:09:02,624 --> 00:09:04,354
Security is on the way.
230
00:09:04,824 --> 00:09:07,311
Come on, you old bird.
Get up here.
231
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,113
I can't afford it.
232
00:09:09,135 --> 00:09:11,855
I'm already the
staff troublemaker.
233
00:09:11,871 --> 00:09:14,008
- Can you make it happen?
- I'm thinking.
234
00:09:16,862 --> 00:09:19,700
Where are you at right... Like,
is it kind of game... Yeah.
235
00:09:20,564 --> 00:09:21,946
Just shh.
236
00:09:24,757 --> 00:09:25,864
- I got it.
- You do?
237
00:09:25,885 --> 00:09:26,929
Yeah.
238
00:09:26,954 --> 00:09:28,509
No nonsense.
239
00:09:30,689 --> 00:09:32,699
Hey, Abby, look at me.
240
00:09:32,892 --> 00:09:34,032
Let's go get a taco.
241
00:09:34,046 --> 00:09:35,305
Okay.
242
00:09:35,331 --> 00:09:36,931
- You got to be kidding.
- There you go. Thank you.
243
00:09:36,948 --> 00:09:38,415
There you go. Perfect.
244
00:09:38,477 --> 00:09:41,117
Hey, you're not gonna tell Jess I
told you about the apartment, right?
245
00:09:41,134 --> 00:09:43,647
Hmm, I don't know.
Maybe. We'll see.
246
00:09:43,678 --> 00:09:44,711
It'd be cool if you... 'Cause...
247
00:09:44,731 --> 00:09:46,578
- Why don't you straighten things
up with the museum? - Thank you.
248
00:09:46,598 --> 00:09:48,879
I appreciate that.
It's only ten dollars!
249
00:09:49,408 --> 00:09:51,268
That's not gonna...
It's ten dollars!
250
00:09:51,289 --> 00:09:52,813
You snakes.
251
00:09:53,339 --> 00:09:54,519
Coach: Follow through.
252
00:09:54,540 --> 00:09:55,873
Yeah, all right.
253
00:09:55,893 --> 00:09:57,151
Or else that creepy
guy at the bar
254
00:09:57,170 --> 00:09:58,426
isn't gonna take his
hand off your thigh.
255
00:09:58,457 --> 00:09:59,804
Hands off my thigh, dude!
256
00:09:59,826 --> 00:10:01,240
(grunts, groans)
257
00:10:02,827 --> 00:10:04,938
Hands off my thigh, dude.
(groans)
258
00:10:07,126 --> 00:10:09,624
What are you doing, dude?
Stop stalling. Check your score.
259
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,483
I'm not stalling.
(groans)
260
00:10:11,538 --> 00:10:13,406
I'm gonna have
Anders work my core
261
00:10:13,426 --> 00:10:15,439
and maybe just go get
some juice with him.
262
00:10:15,455 --> 00:10:18,598
- No, um. No, I-I want juice. I'm...
- Hey, I bought your time.
263
00:10:18,624 --> 00:10:20,004
I do whatever I
want with it.
264
00:10:20,032 --> 00:10:21,905
- (groans)
- Go check your score!
265
00:10:22,107 --> 00:10:22,954
Hey, what are you doing?
266
00:10:22,975 --> 00:10:25,002
- No. Wait, what are you doing, dude?!
- I'm checking it myself!
267
00:10:25,024 --> 00:10:26,856
No! Come on, man!
268
00:10:27,145 --> 00:10:28,665
I said no, dude.
269
00:10:28,688 --> 00:10:30,544
No. W...
270
00:10:32,224 --> 00:10:33,394
What?
271
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,082
You failed.
272
00:10:38,170 --> 00:10:39,283
(chuckles)
273
00:10:39,537 --> 00:10:41,175
I didn't even...
274
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,488
You know, it's
not even a...
275
00:10:45,631 --> 00:10:48,017
Yeah, it's not a
big deal, so...
276
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:49,917
You know, so...
277
00:10:50,249 --> 00:10:52,789
You should probably put a
passcode on your phone, dude.
278
00:10:57,086 --> 00:10:58,381
Hey, Schmidt!
279
00:10:58,403 --> 00:11:00,103
Hey, Schmidt. Have
you seen Abby?
280
00:11:00,219 --> 00:11:01,972
Huh?
(sultry piano music playing)
281
00:11:02,001 --> 00:11:04,608
What... are you...
what are you doing?
282
00:11:04,625 --> 00:11:06,082
I'm melting chocolate.
283
00:11:09,801 --> 00:11:11,608
Abby and I are having sex.
284
00:11:11,631 --> 00:11:13,684
(whispers): What happened
to no nonsense, Schmidt?
285
00:11:15,319 --> 00:11:17,559
I've really changed my
tune on nonsense, Nick.
286
00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:18,749
You know, for
the life of me,
287
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:21,895
I could not understand the
grasp that Jess had on you,
288
00:11:21,914 --> 00:11:24,121
but if she came from the same
gene pool as this one...
289
00:11:24,149 --> 00:11:25,882
(chuckles) kudos,
my friend.
290
00:11:25,905 --> 00:11:27,939
Even if it's a tenth of
what I just experienced.
291
00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:30,757
Even if it'sa DeVito/Schwarzenegger
split from Twins.
292
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:32,344
You calling Jess
the DeVito?
293
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:35,145
- What? - Abby, I was
supposed to be watching you.
294
00:11:35,168 --> 00:11:37,355
- Go ahead. - Don't... don't
play tricks with my words.
295
00:11:37,368 --> 00:11:39,835
Jess is gonna kill me. She's gonna say
my name in that short, clipped way
296
00:11:39,848 --> 00:11:41,361
- where she doesn't add the "K."
- What?
297
00:11:41,380 --> 00:11:43,585
When she's mad, she
just says "Nic."
298
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:46,590
Do you really think that the "K"
adds to the sound of your name?
299
00:11:46,610 --> 00:11:48,117
- Yes. - How do you
usually say your name?
300
00:11:48,127 --> 00:11:49,906
- Nick.
- Say it without the "K."
301
00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:51,413
- Nic.
- It's the same thing.
302
00:11:51,433 --> 00:11:52,620
Stop distracting me!
303
00:11:52,639 --> 00:11:56,091
Nick, you're so worried about
disappointing Jess. Relax, man.
304
00:11:56,109 --> 00:11:57,139
(ding)
305
00:11:57,164 --> 00:11:59,009
Okay, you got to
get out of here.
306
00:12:02,549 --> 00:12:04,103
- (grunts)
- (moans)
307
00:12:04,649 --> 00:12:05,684
- (grunts)
- (giggles)
308
00:12:05,704 --> 00:12:06,886
Oh...
309
00:12:11,180 --> 00:12:12,654
I choked.
310
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:17,293
I choked, man. I'm 31. I
have nothing figured out.
311
00:12:17,477 --> 00:12:19,006
Can I not find a job?
312
00:12:19,026 --> 00:12:22,536
- I mean, I feel like I'm losing it.
- Dude, they're hiring here.
313
00:12:22,556 --> 00:12:25,305
You know I can't work here, man.
They never have any cookies.
314
00:12:25,332 --> 00:12:27,432
It's all the better, man!
There's no pressure.
315
00:12:27,452 --> 00:12:30,685
You get this job and then when you're
ready, you try the cop thing again.
316
00:12:31,364 --> 00:12:32,044
Okay.
317
00:12:32,064 --> 00:12:33,419
- See?
- Yeah.
318
00:12:33,554 --> 00:12:36,618
But now I'm sitting here thinking
about how badly I need this job.
319
00:12:36,650 --> 00:12:38,510
- Stop!
- I need this job real bad...
320
00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:40,938
Excuse me, um, could we get
a job application over here, please?
321
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:45,054
In a way, I have a lot more riding
on this job than I do the cop thing.
322
00:12:46,131 --> 00:12:47,776
God, I'd love to work here!
323
00:12:49,373 --> 00:12:51,026
Jess: I got the apartment!
324
00:12:51,265 --> 00:12:52,484
The place is great.
325
00:12:52,509 --> 00:12:55,291
The only thing I'm a little worried about
is there is a Russian grocery store
326
00:12:55,317 --> 00:12:59,001
down the block and Abby has a little bit
of a weird thing with ethnic white people.
327
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:01,669
But I think she could
really thrive there!
328
00:13:01,988 --> 00:13:02,995
Where is she?
329
00:13:03,014 --> 00:13:04,363
- Where's who?
- Abby.
330
00:13:04,378 --> 00:13:06,418
Ab...? Oh, she's sleeping.
331
00:13:06,627 --> 00:13:08,020
By herself.
332
00:13:08,274 --> 00:13:09,874
Which is called "napping."
333
00:13:09,893 --> 00:13:12,406
Okay, I'm gonna start secretly
packing up some of her stuff.
334
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:13,924
Do you think you can
keep distracting her?
335
00:13:13,948 --> 00:13:15,557
- Yes, yeah, you know, just...
- Good.
336
00:13:15,569 --> 00:13:19,537
how do we distract her? How do
you distract a woman like that?
337
00:13:19,559 --> 00:13:20,739
Probably a guy.
338
00:13:20,769 --> 00:13:21,526
(laughs): Right?
339
00:13:21,548 --> 00:13:23,556
Who can we set
her up with?
340
00:13:23,569 --> 00:13:25,612
Well, well, well,
who do we have?
341
00:13:25,659 --> 00:13:27,926
Coach. (laughs) No.
342
00:13:28,394 --> 00:13:30,274
- Winston... - That's
actually kind of a good idea...
343
00:13:30,290 --> 00:13:31,399
No!
344
00:13:32,164 --> 00:13:34,647
- Schmidt!
- That's a terrible idea.
345
00:13:35,001 --> 00:13:38,583
- But in the same sense...
- Abby will wreck Schmidt!
346
00:13:39,071 --> 00:13:40,639
- Well, then luckily, the...
- So, here's the plan.
347
00:13:40,661 --> 00:13:43,901
We're gonna have a nice dinner, we're
gonna get her buzzed but not drunk.
348
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,514
And then we're gonna
casually and naturally
349
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:49,749
bring up the apartment
so she thinks it's her idea.
350
00:13:49,768 --> 00:13:51,542
- And I can do that, okay?
- Okay, good.
351
00:13:51,571 --> 00:13:54,144
- I'm glad.
- I'll act cool, natural.
352
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,474
Casual. Au naturel.
353
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,503
- Au casual.
- You know what?
354
00:13:58,519 --> 00:14:00,072
Maybe I should write
you some lines, pal.
355
00:14:00,093 --> 00:14:02,853
Yeah, I'd really appreciate that 'cause...
Maybe not a lot of words.
356
00:14:04,584 --> 00:14:07,397
Uh, so tell me, what are
your three weakest qualities?
357
00:14:07,420 --> 00:14:08,255
(chuckles)
358
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:09,709
See...
359
00:14:09,730 --> 00:14:10,931
(whispering):
Just say "perfectionist."
360
00:14:10,945 --> 00:14:12,370
- Perfectionist.
- Yeah.
361
00:14:14,108 --> 00:14:15,808
And the other two...
362
00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:17,297
um...
363
00:14:17,638 --> 00:14:19,239
(laughs)
364
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:20,625
(sputtering)
365
00:14:21,623 --> 00:14:22,999
I'm overheating, right?
366
00:14:23,012 --> 00:14:25,493
I'm overheating, okay? So here's
what we're gonna do now...
367
00:14:25,512 --> 00:14:28,392
I'm just gonna shoot from
the hip, little rapid fire,
368
00:14:28,412 --> 00:14:31,016
give you some fun facts you
might not know about me.
369
00:14:31,231 --> 00:14:34,226
I hate standing up, I'm
bad with numbers, and...
370
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:36,987
I just honestly, from
the bottom of my heart,
371
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,098
don't think women should be
allowed to handle money.
372
00:14:40,121 --> 00:14:41,697
Just, that's for real.
373
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:47,010
Let's just move
on to the salary.
374
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,846
And you didn't even fill out
the back of the application.
375
00:14:50,250 --> 00:14:51,564
There's a back?
376
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,627
There is a back to
the application?
377
00:14:54,653 --> 00:14:56,034
- Coach.
- What?
378
00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:59,523
The LAPD exam...
maybe it had a back.
379
00:15:00,459 --> 00:15:02,186
You didn't check to
see if it had a back?
380
00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:05,918
We got to go to the precinct. I
didn't choke. I'm just careless.
381
00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:09,845
And that is my biggest
weakness, you bitch.
382
00:15:10,217 --> 00:15:12,702
- I'm so sorry, dude. I'm so sorry, dude.
- Yeah, that was bad.
383
00:15:12,715 --> 00:15:14,097
- Man, I didn't even mean that.
- All right, get out of here.
384
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:16,288
- Get out of here. - Dawg, I
didn't mean that at all, man.
385
00:15:17,001 --> 00:15:18,684
To our newest resident.
386
00:15:18,945 --> 00:15:21,963
The City of Angels has sprouted
another pair of wings.
387
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:26,101
It's a majestic city,
drenched in sunshine,
388
00:15:26,127 --> 00:15:30,591
that is actually just a collection
of 75 different neighborhoods.
389
00:15:30,612 --> 00:15:32,569
Wow, I had no idea.
390
00:15:32,593 --> 00:15:34,573
Please continue
to tell me more.
391
00:15:34,593 --> 00:15:36,783
- You want more? - Who wants
to rediscover couscous?
392
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:39,536
- Hey, what the hell are you doing
here, Schmidt? - I invited him.
393
00:15:39,881 --> 00:15:41,534
- I live here, too, right?
- Yeah, but...
394
00:15:41,554 --> 00:15:43,423
It's okay, Abby can
make her own decisions,
395
00:15:43,450 --> 00:15:45,417
no matter what
they might lead to.
396
00:15:45,652 --> 00:15:48,955
- Thank you. - Now, somebody call the
pound 'cause my stomach is growling.
397
00:15:51,933 --> 00:15:54,019
I said my stomach
is growling.
398
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:56,588
Sp... okay, uh,
speaking of dinner,
399
00:15:56,603 --> 00:15:59,516
there are a lot of great
options in North Hollywood.
400
00:15:59,546 --> 00:16:02,259
It's a real hot spot
full of young, hip people
401
00:16:02,266 --> 00:16:03,872
who will be the
leaders of tomorrow.
402
00:16:03,891 --> 00:16:05,775
- More wine?
- Great.
403
00:16:06,493 --> 00:16:10,388
If I were moving to L.A. now,
I'd say yes-ho to NoHo.
404
00:16:10,410 --> 00:16:12,556
Nick: Hey, hey,
what are you doing?
405
00:16:12,569 --> 00:16:13,572
Oh, my.
406
00:16:13,581 --> 00:16:15,468
Stop touching him, Abby.
407
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:17,088
I'm sorry, what'd you say?
408
00:16:17,117 --> 00:16:19,051
- Touch him more?
- Do not touch him.
409
00:16:19,552 --> 00:16:21,937
- What are you...?
- Do not do this right now.
410
00:16:22,427 --> 00:16:23,731
(whispering):
How about that?
411
00:16:24,430 --> 00:16:28,659
As luck would have it, I actually
know of a place in North Hollywood
412
00:16:28,689 --> 00:16:31,080
with great tile work.
413
00:16:31,430 --> 00:16:32,994
(pouring wine)
414
00:16:34,146 --> 00:16:37,397
- I said, "Great tile work."
- Oh, for the first 12 months.
415
00:16:38,305 --> 00:16:39,725
(Jess laughs)
416
00:16:39,753 --> 00:16:44,056
I think what you really mean to say
is there's an introductory offer
417
00:16:44,084 --> 00:16:45,724
- for cable television.
- That's it, yeah...
418
00:16:45,740 --> 00:16:48,526
Cable's a scam, I tell ya.
Sa... Satellite.
419
00:16:49,363 --> 00:16:52,108
- What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt?
- Satellite's where it's at.
420
00:16:52,127 --> 00:16:54,261
(whispering): Nonsense has
the hands of an angel.
421
00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:56,183
Okay, what's going on here?
422
00:16:56,510 --> 00:16:57,722
(chuckles)
423
00:16:58,224 --> 00:17:00,850
I told Abby about the
apartment, and now she's...
424
00:17:00,863 --> 00:17:03,159
giving Schmidt a sp...
a special.
425
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,954
Don't look at me.
Just look away.
426
00:17:07,989 --> 00:17:10,346
Look away, look...
or look right at me.
427
00:17:14,980 --> 00:17:18,060
- So this was going on
the whole time? - Yes.
428
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,974
And the hands are
just the half of it.
429
00:17:19,994 --> 00:17:22,766
I mean, there's been banging
and poking and scratching
430
00:17:22,786 --> 00:17:25,192
and hanging and teasing...
such teasing.
431
00:17:25,206 --> 00:17:27,892
I mean, really excruciating,
life-giving teasing.
432
00:17:27,912 --> 00:17:30,404
Shut up, Schmidt!
She was talking to me.
433
00:17:30,418 --> 00:17:33,411
This has been a whole day of
lying and I can't take it.
434
00:17:33,428 --> 00:17:34,748
First I had to
lie to Abby,
435
00:17:34,773 --> 00:17:37,340
and so I spilled the beans about
the apartment. I'm sorry.
436
00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:40,246
And then I had to lie about Abby
and Schmidt and the boning.
437
00:17:40,275 --> 00:17:43,701
And then the manipulating
and the out-manipulating...
438
00:17:43,732 --> 00:17:45,055
That's lying!
439
00:17:45,062 --> 00:17:48,517
If you guys were just honest
with each other for one second,
440
00:17:48,537 --> 00:17:50,457
none of this would
have happened.
441
00:17:50,478 --> 00:17:52,927
Okay. All right. Abby...
442
00:17:52,940 --> 00:17:57,142
I'm really sorry I tried to trick you,
but I just want what's best for you.
443
00:17:57,164 --> 00:17:59,546
- One of us has to!
- You know, that is your problem.
444
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,653
You think you're better than people
and you always try to fix them.
445
00:18:01,676 --> 00:18:03,029
- No, I don't!
- Yes, you do.
446
00:18:03,051 --> 00:18:04,911
You've done it your whole life.
It's annoying.
447
00:18:04,940 --> 00:18:06,273
You know what? Yes.
448
00:18:06,308 --> 00:18:09,055
Yes. I would like to fix you.
449
00:18:09,061 --> 00:18:11,602
No...
I would love to fix you!
450
00:18:11,620 --> 00:18:14,447
But I'm done trying.
Because you're not changing.
451
00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:19,590
And you don't think or care about
other people at all, and I do.
452
00:18:19,607 --> 00:18:21,874
And that's why I don't want
you living in this loft.
453
00:18:23,178 --> 00:18:24,098
(scoffs)
454
00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:25,416
That's honest.
455
00:18:26,228 --> 00:18:29,981
You're a garbage person and you should
live in a Dumpster with rotten snails.
456
00:18:30,004 --> 00:18:31,653
Hey! Nick!
457
00:18:32,026 --> 00:18:33,693
- Too far! - Yeah, way
over the line, buddy.
458
00:18:33,722 --> 00:18:36,035
- Yeah, but I thought we were just
piling in... - That's my sister, dude.
459
00:18:36,064 --> 00:18:37,683
I didn't mean that,
yeah. Sorry.
460
00:18:38,258 --> 00:18:40,270
Well, lucky for you,
461
00:18:41,109 --> 00:18:43,950
- I'm moving out.
- Oh, thank God, Abby.
462
00:18:43,963 --> 00:18:45,363
Oh, my God.
463
00:18:45,393 --> 00:18:48,880
- You're really gonna like this place. It's
so nice... - I'm moving in with Schmidt.
464
00:18:48,911 --> 00:18:50,644
What... what's that, now?
You're moving in with who?
465
00:18:50,659 --> 00:18:52,132
- Seriously?
- We would have sex all the time.
466
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:53,753
(chuckles) Dinner was
lovely, you guys.
467
00:18:53,774 --> 00:18:55,464
- Thank you so much.
- Bye.
468
00:18:57,112 --> 00:18:58,972
- What?
- Schmidt: Ooh. Hey, uh, Jess?
469
00:18:58,979 --> 00:19:01,506
Can I borrow your glasses? We're
gonna role-play as you guys.
470
00:19:01,535 --> 00:19:03,700
- Ew. No.
- You don't understand.
471
00:19:04,031 --> 00:19:06,022
She's not gonna be you.
I'm gonna be you.
472
00:19:06,035 --> 00:19:07,683
- Ugh! Get out, Schmidt!
- Get out of here!
473
00:19:07,708 --> 00:19:08,875
Okay...
474
00:19:10,484 --> 00:19:11,789
Oh, God!
475
00:19:12,979 --> 00:19:14,292
Winston: What's up, my man?
476
00:19:14,308 --> 00:19:15,471
I took the test
last week...
477
00:19:15,490 --> 00:19:18,805
or should I say, I took the front
part of the test last week...
478
00:19:18,838 --> 00:19:21,764
and, sir, I am here to
finish what I started.
479
00:19:22,555 --> 00:19:25,728
- What? - What he's trying to say
is, he took the entrance exam,
480
00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,055
but he forgot to
do the back half.
481
00:19:27,075 --> 00:19:30,548
Well, the test is administered
on a computer. There is no back.
482
00:19:33,514 --> 00:19:35,671
You took the test
on a computer?
483
00:19:35,690 --> 00:19:38,152
I choked. I am a failure.
I am a loser.
484
00:19:38,171 --> 00:19:41,021
I am never gonna amount to anything.
I'm never gonna shoot somebody.
485
00:19:41,041 --> 00:19:43,751
Dude. Have some
dignity, all right?
486
00:19:44,358 --> 00:19:46,098
Thank you for your time, sir.
487
00:19:46,387 --> 00:19:47,758
Coach: Winston.
488
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:50,054
Winston!
Yo!
489
00:19:50,077 --> 00:19:51,157
Winston!
490
00:19:52,138 --> 00:19:54,200
Dude, you failed, man.
491
00:19:55,009 --> 00:19:57,732
You failed hard!
At everything!
492
00:19:57,751 --> 00:20:00,484
- Dude, this pep talk sucks.
- I'm not finished.
493
00:20:00,508 --> 00:20:02,428
Like, seriously, it's like
the Winston of pep talks.
494
00:20:02,448 --> 00:20:03,835
Look at me.
495
00:20:03,858 --> 00:20:05,628
You can do this, Winston.
496
00:20:06,026 --> 00:20:08,285
Because now there's
nothing to be afraid of.
497
00:20:08,715 --> 00:20:10,488
You hit rock bottom, man.
498
00:20:10,517 --> 00:20:12,194
This is the worst
it's gonna get.
499
00:20:17,397 --> 00:20:21,032
Sir, it has been my
dream to become a cop.
500
00:20:22,156 --> 00:20:25,196
And no one's gonna stand
in my way... not you, not him...
501
00:20:25,229 --> 00:20:26,531
Hey, I was helping.
502
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,504
...and definitely
not myself.
503
00:20:29,088 --> 00:20:30,887
I would like to
retake this test.
504
00:20:31,804 --> 00:20:33,818
Well, there's one at 7:30 tomorrow.
505
00:20:33,844 --> 00:20:35,654
Man, what about my last
score makes you think
506
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:37,827
I'm ready to take this test
again in 12 hours?
507
00:20:38,836 --> 00:20:40,649
- He'll be there. Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll be there.
508
00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:45,310
Thank you for messing everything
up and being such a terrible liar.
509
00:20:45,330 --> 00:20:46,350
Uh, you are very welcome.
510
00:20:46,363 --> 00:20:48,960
I think I really needed to
say that stuff to my sister.
511
00:20:48,980 --> 00:20:51,399
- She's gonna wreck Schmidt.
- Oof...
512
00:20:51,419 --> 00:20:53,421
He has no idea.
513
00:20:53,813 --> 00:20:55,499
I'm sorry my
family's so crazy.
514
00:20:55,519 --> 00:20:58,632
Crazy? Your family's not crazy.
My family's crazy.
515
00:20:58,911 --> 00:21:00,625
My father used to
trade horse semen.
516
00:21:00,654 --> 00:21:03,451
I've got an uncle whose
God-given name is Shifty.
517
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:04,771
(laughing)
518
00:21:06,258 --> 00:21:07,958
Well, thank goodness...
519
00:21:08,355 --> 00:21:10,077
- we're the sane ones.
- (chuckles)
520
00:21:11,347 --> 00:21:12,021
So...
521
00:21:12,046 --> 00:21:14,828
- Okay, now, remember: Up, and...
- Uh-huh.
522
00:21:15,463 --> 00:21:17,220
(screams)
523
00:21:18,052 --> 00:21:19,286
(elevator bell dings)
524
00:21:21,194 --> 00:21:23,441
- Hello, Abby.
- Hey. S'up?
525
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,596
Have you thought about
what you're gonna do
526
00:21:25,617 --> 00:21:27,349
if they pair you
with a dirty cop?
527
00:21:28,655 --> 00:21:31,470
Well, then, I would just
go to Internal Affairs.
528
00:21:31,886 --> 00:21:33,568
Well, that's a good
way to get killed.
529
00:21:33,826 --> 00:21:36,546
- Then at least I would die a hero.
- Hmm, no, you won't.
530
00:21:37,103 --> 00:21:40,119
They'll put you in panties and then they'll
plant you next to a dead prostitute.
531
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:42,387
That's a poor lady.
532
00:21:42,406 --> 00:21:43,767
It'd be a dude.
533
00:21:44,699 --> 00:21:47,446
But it's awesome!
Good luck on the exam!
534
00:21:50,669 --> 00:21:52,551
They got dude prostitutes?
535
00:21:53,302 --> 00:21:54,245
Nuh-uh.
536
00:21:54,272 --> 00:22:00,072
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