- I'm happy. - Yeah.
You don't have to kiss me because you feel sorry for me.
I'm kissing you because I want to.
He's delicious.
Too delicious.
College starts very soon. Do you really want to be
the only girl to turn up with your V-plates intact?
Is everything OK?
I've just got a massive headache.
We're fresh meat. It's like they're all sitting at our restaurant
waiting for the delivery, and we're the food.
I'm a mess.
Every week, same old bullshit.
Come on! It's ten to bloody nine!
All right!
I'll be late for bloody work.
How did your first week go?
All right.
English isn't bad.
The teacher's called Mr Hodgson.
He swears a little bit, you know, to try and make himself look cool.
Performing arts is fine.
We play this game where you have to say,
"She stood upon the balcony,
inimitably mimicking him,
hiccupping and amicably welcoming him in."
You have to say it as fast as you can.
I have to sit next to this kid called Andrew Johnson
who smells intensely of garlic.
You know, he told me that he has
a garlic baguette for supper every night.
Do I look different?
- What do you mean? - Am I sweating?
Did I tell you I'm going through the change?
You had mentioned it, yeah.
Oh, I bloody love this song.
Oh, come on.
Mum!
You can't cry to the Spice Girls!
It's not exactly Girl Power, is it?
Hey, do you reckon they'd let me and you join?
Oh, yeah, and who would I be?
Underactive Thyroid Spice?
I could be Menopause Spice!
♪ I tell you what I want ♪ ♪ what I really, really want ♪
♪ So tell me what you want ♪ ♪ What you really, really want ♪
♪ I'll tell you what... ♪ ♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna... ♪
♪ ... really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig, ah ♪
♪ If you wanna be my lover... ♪
Sometimes, when you're telling a lie,
the more detail you go into,
the more even you start to believe that it might be true.
The bit about the swearing English teacher?
He's based on my Uncle Mark who thinks
dropping the F-word into every sentence makes him seem cool.
The bit about the performing arts game?
Well, it was a tongue-twister I got last Christmas in a cracker.
And the bit about the kid who eats garlic bread all the time?
That's autobiographical.
The truth is that I've not been to college since I set the alarm off.
Missed the whole first week.
The truth is, I'm becoming so good at talking bollocks
that I'm thinking of going professional.
What about Bullshit Spice?
- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
So, how did you figure out I wasn't going?
When a parent asks a child how school was
and they give more than a one-word answer... suspicious.
And just the way you were.
My instincts told me something wasn't quite right.
Plus, they rang me, told me you haven't been coming in.
- I told you last week. I was having a cigarette. - Where?
- I didn't set the alarm off. - You were seen by the fire door.
What can I tell you?
I know it was you who did it and when I get...
- Why would I set the alarm off? - ... and when I get proof, you're in for it.
I'm not messing about this term.
Liam, honestly!
Mrs Earl?
Time to face the music.
So, Rae, what's going on?
Why have you been skipping classes?
Did something happen?
No. Nothing happened.
Do you remember those conversations
we had when you were thinking about applying?
You said you thought you were ready for the stresses of college life.
When someone asks you a question, you give a response.
It's called a conversation, Rae.
Yeah, I remember.
Well, maybe this is a sign that you're not ready.
There's an argument to be made for deferring a year.
No, please don't make me do that, I don't want that.
That way you can come back when you're stronger.
No, please, that is not what I want.
Well, why don't you tell me what you do want?
I want to be treated the same as everyone else.
OK. Then I'm giving you a formal warning.
If you break the rules again, if you misbehave, skip classes,
then we are going to have to talk seriously about you deferring.
Understood?
Yes.
And she's sorry, aren't you, Rae?
Yeah.
'As Uncle Mark might say, am I fuck fucking sorry?!'
'Fuck the fuck off!'
Here she is.
Where the fuck have you been?
I've been worried about you.
I thought I was supposed to be your stereotype gay best friend.
Sorry, chuck.
Why do you come here, Archie?
Need the grades to get into Durham.
Why do you want to come here?
Don't know.
Wait.
Are you wearing a rugby top?!
Yeah.
When did you start smoking?
Archie! What is going on with you?
Come on.
Take a walk with me.
Surviving college is all about blending into the background.
And if anything knows anything about staying under the radar,
it's Uncle Archie.
You know it's really creepy when you say that, don't you?
Noted.
Arch. Easy, Macca.
- Got a light? - Yeah.
Have you seen what Maggie Tolson's wearing today?
Bro, you could choke a dozen camels on those whammers.
I wish I was a dozen camels!
- Nice one, yeah? - Nice one, mate.
Look at me.
- There's only one rule, understand? - Yeah.
Stay under the radar.
Whoa. What have you come as?
On the first day, d'you remember that dress I was wearing?
And I saw that other girl wearing it?
Well, the other day I saw two girls in the same dress
and one with nearly the exact same shoes on.
I am not taking chances any more.
I hate this place. It's like I'm invisible.
Oh, my God, there's Stacey Stringfellow's gang.
- Who's Stacey Stringfellow? - If you're in with them, then you're in.
- In where? - With the boys.
- Which boys? - The fit boys.
- I've got a boyfriend. - Yeah, well, I haven't. Hi, Stacey!
Oh, my God. She just completely blanked me.
I can't even process this!
He's been looking for you, you know.
'College wasn't the only thing I'd been avoiding.'
'Because of what happened at the caravan, I'd stayed away from him.'
'I didn't want to be the girl who couldn't get undressed in front of her boyfriend.'
'I really missed him and smelling his jacket was no substitute' whatsoever.'
Finn rang again.
- What did you say? - Well, I didn't know what to say
so I told him you might have glandular fever.
What?!
Well, last time, when I said you'd gone to France, you got a right cob on!
- That is the most stupid thing... - Yeah, well,
maybe we're not all as good at lying as you are, Rae.
Just stop avoiding him.
I'm not avoiding him.
You've got through your first full day at college.
And I'm proud of you.
- You're not going to cry, are you? - Just...
you can't spend your life running away from stuff.
There's a history of that in this family.
'My mum was right about once every three years.'
'But I had a feeling that this was one of those times.'
I was starting to think you'd left the country.
- Or at least Lincolnshire. - Thought about it.
- Not... not that I've missed you, or anything. - No?
OK, I might have thought about you once.
All right, twice.
I was going to come round, actually,
- but your mam said something about... - Listen.
I was just a bit...
... out of it.
And I didn't want to tell you
because I didn't want to drag you into it.
I... I don't mind that you've got stuff.
Everyone's got stuff, really.
But...
All right, lovebirds?
Where've you been, Raemundo? I've been ready to send out
- a sexy search party for you. - Yes, Chop. Foster's, mate. Nice one.
But... ?
'I'd forgotten.
'I'd forgotten that there's something in his lips.'
'And no matter how crap my life was,
no matter how much I didn't fit in at college, no matter what,
when I had his lips, I had his kiss.'
'And so long as I had that... '
'... I knew everything would be OK.'
My dad's at a conference all week, right?
So I was thinking about having an exclusive sleepover tomorrow night.
How exclusive?
Well, I was only going to invite one person.
Fancy it?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah!
Day two of college.
'If I could get through the day,
I had Finn waiting for me that night.'
'But staying under the radar isn't easy when you're six foot tall
and weigh 16 stone.'
'I had to be... '
'... bland.'
This is important.
That is Simmy.
He's got this almost magical ability to invent a nickname for someone
and have it stick for the rest of that person's life.
This kid here, he was in Simmy's high school.
At swimming class he got an unfortunate crease in his trunks.
Simmy called him AquaBone and it stuck.
That was five years ago.
Even his dad calls him it.
This girl here...
Simmy decided she had a big chin.
She lost her shoe at the end of year disco... "Chinderella".
That's...
- That's actually quite clever. - He's an evil genius.
So trust me, do not do anything extraordinary around him.
'Don't look! Why are you looking?!'
'Oh, bollocks, here he comes.'
'Look away. Look away!'
'Look away!'
- Easy, Arch. - All right, Simmy?
Hey, you seen Graham Tipping's new glasses, mate?
He looks like Elton John.
I doubt Elton John sleeps on plastic sheets in case
- he pisses the bed, though, mate. - Yeah!
Look who it is! You all right, Unicorn Balls?
Unicorn Balls, where you going, man?
So I thought I'd take this time to talk about the power of positive thinking.
It's about seeing the good side of things.
It's about filling your life with things that make you happy.
Sorry, sorry.
Pull up a chair, Liam.
I was just about to ask the group
if they could think of things that make them happy.
Oh! I'll go first.
OK.
Every day I go to sixth form college.
It's shite.
It's like being in a social experiment,
where they keep a load of people in the same building,
and the only thing they all have in common is their age.
And because of this, it's populated by people trying to fit in.
The teachers push an ideal on us.
"Succeed here or be a failure in life.
"Learn this 15th-century lyric poem
and hypothesise on its significance to the French Revolution
or... be worthless in society."
I feel hatred towards the whole thing.
And when I feel that hatred...
I feel happy.
Cos I realise that that's not me.
They're not me, and they never will be.
Makes me fucking delirious!
I like it on Wednesdays when that canteen serves the dessert with jelly and custard.
- Oh, yeah. - Hmm!
- That trifle thing. - Oh, yeah.
Hiya.
All right?
I liked your speech.
I hate college as well.
I just wanted to say, about the other day when I set the alarm off,
it was an accident.
I didn't see anything.
You're not going to say anything, are you?
- It's just, I'm on a warning at college... - I didn't see anything.
That's Finn Nelson.
- Yeah? - He is the fittest lad in college.
I'd honestly let him do anything to me.
- You'd let anyone do anything to you. - Fuck off!
- The best part is that he's single. - He's not single.
- What? Who's he going out with? - Some lucky bitch.
Doesn't matter anyway.
He wouldn't even talk to girls like us.
'This is impossible.
'How am I supposed to stay under the radar
when everyone at college knows who Finn is?'
'He's the fittest lad in college.'
'And I'm... I'm... '
Chloe...
How weird is it that I'm going out with Finn?
Dunno.
No, be honest.
Right, OK. Out of ten, how attractive would you say you were?
One.
Don't be stupid!
You're easily a four.
Thanks!
No, I mean... I mean, like a four at worst.
You know, when you're hung over and you're on and stuff.
Right.
Fine. Rate Finn out of ten.
- 11. - Exactly.
That isn't even possible.
Even Emma Coghill's sister fancies him and she's, like, 23.
And she's been out with footballers.
So why does he like me?
I don't know. Maybe you're his type or something.
- And what type would that be? - Curvaceous.
- Stop it! - Let's be honest, if he likes big boobs,
- then he's struck gold. - They are cripplingly large.
Anyway, I'm stopping at his tonight, so... it's probably going to happen.
I thought it happened at camping.
Oh, no, no, we didn't. Um... because...
- Did he drink too much? - Yeah.
- D'you know, I hate that. - Yeah. Tchuh!
Listen, your first time is always going to be the scariest.
Just make sure he doesn't drink too much and you'll be fine.
But... Rae! For the past four weeks, all we've talked about is sex.
Right? Noises, positions, worst and best case scenarios.
Hand-job techniques, blow job techniques.
How sensitive men's nipples are.
Foreskins, porn, anal, even strap-ons!
There's nothing else to talk about. Right? Just...
Just let him whack it in you.
- Oh! - Right?
Yeah!
Oh, my God, it's her!
What the fuck?!
I told you I was thinking about doing a photoshoot.
And then we talked for, like, 90 hours?
And then you agreed it was a bad idea.
I know.
Why do underwear shots?
Well, I wanted to build up my modelling portfolio.
Oh, my God, Rae, everybody's staring at me!
Right.
Where are the originals?
- And the negatives? - Well, I dunno.
No, I took them to Lisa Goulding's party, I haven't seen them since.
Did you show anyone at the party?
I got really drunk and I showed some to Barney.
No, but there was over 50 people there
and I didn't know half of them. It could be anyone.
Rae, we really need to find out who's got the photos,
before they print off any of the other ones.
What other ones?
Oh, my God, Chloe! Why would you do that?
Well, I wanted to keep the glamour door open.
Glamour door?
You're 16.
There is no door.
Have you never not wanted to have pictures taken where you look amazing?
Right? Where your hair's done, and your make-up,
and the lighting, and...
and you look sexy?
Right, you feel sexy?
No?
Please, Rae.
'You mess with her, you mess with me.'
'Poor Chloe.'
'College is utterly barbaric.'
'At least I'd made it through the day under the radar
and now I had Finn all to myself.'
'I was starting to think that me and him
only made sense when no-one else was around.'
'I still didn't know why he liked me, but maybe Chloe had it spot-on.'
'Maybe I was his type.'
'Now all I needed was a bit of courage.'
'Courage in any form.'
You on it tonight, girl?
No, I just fancied a drink.
- You want some? - No, I'm fine.
- Cheers, m'dear. - Cheers.
'You can do this.'
'The first time is the scariest.'
'Man up.'
Where's this one?
That is... Butlins in Skegness.
I think I were five.
Is that your mum?
That's her, yeah.
- She's pretty. - Yeah.
Do you miss her?
Yeah.
Who's this?
Oh, God!
That's Stacey Stringfellow.
She goes to college.
Right, so why have you got this?
We used to go out.
I've told you, it's been ages since I looked at these.
I'll throw that one out.
No.
It's no big deal.
Everyone's got exes.
Have a drink.
No, I'm fine, seriously.
'Just relax. Just relax, just relax.'
'He wants this.'
'You want this.'
Right. I'm pouring you one.
Oh... Really?
Cheers, m'dear.
No, no, no more.
Just one more.
Cheers, m'dear.
Yep. Cheers, m'dear.
I'm going to, um...
I think I'm...
I'm going to have to go to the bathroom.
I had a freak out.
I accidentally set an alarm off.
You're not gonna tell anyone, are you? They'll kick me out.
- Kester, promise me. - Of course I won't.
What were you doing at the time? Tell me about that.
Er...
- I was just walking down the corridor. - Alone?
Yeah.
No. I was...
I was with Finn.
- Your boyfriend? - Yeah.
I don't get why he likes me.
I'm not even his type. His ex was so tiny and beautiful.
It's embarrassing to be next to him.
I'm embarrassed for him.
So, do you think
you can't believe he likes you,
because you can't find anything to like about yourself?
That's what we're trying to fix.
Well, that takes ages. I need a short-term solution.
This is therapy. There are no short-term solutions.
Fine. Short-term, you've got three options.
One, you start facing those things you're afraid of.
Stop caring about what other people think, start to like yourself.
Option two, you could leave college.
Nope, I can't do that. What's option three?
Leave Finn.
I guess I'll just try option one, then.
Yeah.
'As always, Kester was annoyingly right.'
'The only real option was to face my fears.'
'I had to be around Finn in college,
not just to help my anxieties, but also because a circle of vultures
were gathering over his head.'
Just do it. Just kiss him. Fuck it. Just... just kiss him. OK.
Are you Rae?
Yeah.
There's a rumour going around about you. What?
Are you going out with someone?
No.
Told ya.
'I can't do it. I can't be near him at college.'
'The vultures can circle. I'd rather hide than be eaten alive.'
'I'd still be his girlfriend, just part-time.'
Got any idea who's got them?
No. Everyone's been really nice about it.
I've actually been asked out by a few of the lads.
- Seriously? - I know.
It's so inappropriate, but... that's lads for you, I guess.
Hey, Chlo.
Hiya, Stace. Was it a good game?
Oh! Brutal. So, I'll see you later still?
Yeah, definitely.
What just happened?
Well, the girls have actually been really supportive.
Stacey even asked if I wanted to go for a bite to eat after college.
How nice is that?
I dunno, I'm just hoping whoever's got the pictures will stop.
It'll all go away, anyway, so...
Why would it all go away? You need to find out who it is.
Or, at least, tell a teacher.
Will you just drop it, Rae, cos I don't wanna talk about it, OK?
OK?
Good afternoon.
Is it?
Listen, Rae. I need to talk to you about something.
Big news, yeah? I'm going through the change.
Oh, God.
And I'm thinking of getting some work done.
What work?
Cosmetic surgery.
Are you actually insane?
How can we even afford that?
You know, last week, you said that I could only throw a tea bag away
after it had made three cups of tea.
So all week, I've been trying to save you money by drinking tea
that looks and tastes like ass piss
and now, you want to go and throw away thousands of pounds
getting your baps remoulded or your bingo wings clipped?
No bloody way, Mum.
Don't cry.
You were doing so well.
You don't even have bingo wings.
I do.
I just want... I just want Karim to be attracted to me.
I'm punching well above my weight with him, Rae.
It's not just that he's handsome, either,
or that he's got this firm little body on him.
He is sensational in bed.
He attends to my every need
- and I feel like I'm being taken by a man possessed... - Yeah, I get it!
He's hot. You like him.
When we're in the club, I feel people must look at us and think...
"How the bloody hell did that happen?"
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Do you want a brew?
Rae...
... use one tea bag per cup.
'So, maybe I wasn't ready to be around Finn in college,
but I had to see him outside. or what was the point?'
'And that meant taking my clothes off.'
'But the truth was...
that I was astounded by people who could be naked.'
'Not just in front of others...
... but in front of themselves.'
'If I couldn't do that, how could I ever do it in front of someone else?'
'The problem is that being naked leaves you nowhere to hide.'
I just don't get it.
Oh, balls...
Rae! Oi!
Oh, hiya.
Where've you been?
About.
- Um... I've got to go. - What?
Stop. Look... what are you doing?
- Can we not do this here, Finn? - Do what?
- Why are you being a dickhead? - Don't call me a dickhead.
You've been ignoring me. Deny it.
What? Is it...
Is it cos of the other night?
I know I got a bit drunk.
But you were giving me drink all the time.
Sorry.
It's not that.
Then what is it?
I just don't get it.
You don't get what?
You're an 11 and I'm a four.
I've got no idea what you're talking about.
You should be going out with people like Stacey,
not someone like me.
Most people, when they see us, must be thinking,
"Oh, he must be mad, going out with that."
That what?
That what?!
You don't tell me who I can and can't fancy, all right?
That is mine.
That belongs to me. No-one else, no-one, not even you.
So why do you like me?
- Because I do, that's it! - But why?!
Just because. Now, are you gonna stop being a dickhead?
Stop calling me a dickhead! You're the dickhead...
You're the dickhead.
You're a dickhead.
Come on.
Oh, shit!
Oh, no.
Shit, it's jammed.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, no!
No, don't do that!
Then they'll find out that we were in here, together.
They'll think we've been fucking.
Why would we fuck in a disabled toilet?
Because there's more room in here than in a normal toilet.
It's even got these little handle things.
For purchase!
Right, well, what do you suggest?
OK. Have you got one of those mobile telephone...
No, of course not, I'm not a millionaire!
We're just going to have to get help from somebody.
Hello?!
No, this cannot be happening.
Hello?
Hiya, mate, can you get some help for us?
- We're stuck in here. - Oh, my God...
Is there two of you in there?
This is not happening!
Mate, will you just go and get someone, please?
Shit.
Rae. Sit down.
I've got big news.
- I'm... - You're going through the change.
I get it. But you need to accept it. And then just move on.
No. No, I'm not going through the change.
All my emotional ups and downs...
We're pregnant!
- What? - We're pregnant.
I am pregnant!
What?
Five sodding months pregnant!
Five months?
I feel radiant.
I feel better than I've ever felt.
And I thought I was past it.
- I'm in my prime, aren't I, baby? - Sexy lady!
Ohhh! Say something.
It's brilliant.
Congratulations.
I'm going to cry.
Can I cry?
Yeah... I think you're allowed to cry.
Gentlemen, this may be the finest day of our lives.
It may also be the last.
'I didn't even want to think about facing college the next day.'
TV: Some say that bravery is merely foolishness by a different name.
Gentlemen, we're about to find out which is true.
It's been an honour serving with every single one of you.
Captain, the pleasure is ours.
Chin chin, gentlemen.
Chin chin. Chin chin.
'But maybe I just had to be brave.'
'Face my fears.'
'Like Kester pointed out,
it wasn't like I had any other options.'
Apparently they looked like they were fucking.
Kirsty Fairclough said you could smell it on them when they came out.
In the disabled toilet? Finn Nelson?
Yeah, and this girl called Rae Earl.
And they're just going for it.
- Bollock naked. - Fuck off.
Honestly, mate! Well, who was the girl, then?
Rae Earl. Fat girl, first year.
What?!
Magic Fanny.
All right, Paul Daniels?
- What? - Where's Debbie McGee?
Oh, no...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
- Why Paul Daniels? - Allow me to explain.
Finn went out with Stacey Stringfellow, for fuck's sake.
There's only one possible explanation.
Rae Earl has a magic fanny.
What's a magic fanny?
Erm, it's when you see good-looking lads with proper minging girls.
They've got magic fannies. And Rae Earl has, like,
the fucking Paul Daniels of magic fannies, mate, I am telling you that!
Rae!
'Put your hands on something flat.'
'Put your hands on something flat!'
You all right, babe?
All right?
Well, what happened?
Are they kicking you out?
I just can't handle it.
What, college?
Rae, you mean college, right?
Is everyone talking about it?
Well, they'll get over it.
Are you seeing Finn tonight?
That's exciting.
I was thinking.
About the photos.
I think we should tell Mrs Dixon.
And then go to the police.
No, I don't think we should do that.
Some evil fucker has got it in for you.
No, Rae!
We go to the police, and even if they don't find out who,
- it will scare whoever off. - No, Rae!
Why aren't you doing something about this?
- If you don't do it, I'm gonna. - No, you can't.
Why? Why not?
Because it was me!
What do you mean?
I put the pictures out there.
I don't understand. Why would you do that?
It's not a bad thing to want to be popular.
That's crazy.
Yeah, but it worked, didn't it?
Rae, don't. Don't be mad at me.
Hey, please don't be mad at me.
I'm not mad.
'Dear Diary.'
'It's easy to be brave,
and it's easy to be confident if you look good.'
'If you feel sexy.'
'And if you fit in.'
'But that's not the world I live in.'
'And it's not just that people stare and call me names.'
'That I can't fit in when we're together.'
'It's that I'd rather break up with the man of my dreams
than take my clothes off in front of him.'
'Than let him touch me.'
'Than let him soak me up like I do him.'
'So Kester might think I'm running away, but he gave me the options.'
'And, in a way, I am facing my fears.'
'I am doing the thing I'm most afraid of.'
'And that, dear Diary, is how I messed everything up.'
'I suppose I sorted one thing out, though.'
'I knew where I felt most normal.'
'I knew where I found it easiest to fit in.'
I've been waiting for you to visit.
Can we talk for a bit?
You don't have to.
I'd like that.
All right, Alarm Girl?
All right, Therapy Liam?
You look like you could do with a drink.
Cheers, m'dear.
- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -