1 00:00:10,977 --> 00:00:14,097 Tonight, Richard opens a glove box, 2 00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:16,217 James pulls a face, 3 00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:18,417 and I ask an important question. 4 00:00:18,417 --> 00:00:21,057 Have you ever put toothpaste on your testicles? 5 00:00:21,057 --> 00:00:23,577 APPLAUSE 6 00:00:27,297 --> 00:00:29,497 Thank you. Hello. Good evening! 7 00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,537 Thank you very much, everybody. 8 00:00:31,537 --> 00:00:34,817 It is a big crowd tonight. 9 00:00:34,817 --> 00:00:37,777 Thanks very much. Thank you. Now... 10 00:00:37,777 --> 00:00:41,377 last year, the big three German car-makers, 11 00:00:41,377 --> 00:00:44,377 Mercedes, Volkswagen and BMW, 12 00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:47,537 all brought out new hot hatchbacks. 13 00:00:47,537 --> 00:00:50,457 And since this is a top consumer programme 14 00:00:50,457 --> 00:00:52,737 full of helpful buying advice, 15 00:00:52,737 --> 00:00:57,577 I thought it would be a good idea to see which one of them is best. 16 00:01:02,697 --> 00:01:06,017 Well, not the Mercedes, that's for sure. 17 00:01:07,217 --> 00:01:11,897 This is the new four-wheel-drive A45 and it's extremely powerful... 18 00:01:13,177 --> 00:01:17,177 extremely nice to drive and handsome as well. 19 00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:19,977 But it is RIDICULOUSLY expensive. 20 00:01:23,017 --> 00:01:27,537 This car, with a few options on it, is ã46,000 and that, 21 00:01:27,537 --> 00:01:30,577 for a hatchback, is idiotic. 22 00:01:30,577 --> 00:01:33,337 It's like charging 100 quid for a sardine. 23 00:01:33,337 --> 00:01:35,977 "Oh, it is a very good sardine, sir." I don't care how good it is. 24 00:01:35,977 --> 00:01:37,857 I'm not paying 100 quid for a fish. 25 00:01:39,977 --> 00:01:42,937 If, then, you have even half a droplet of common sense, 26 00:01:42,937 --> 00:01:47,137 you will be choosing between these two. 27 00:01:47,137 --> 00:01:49,297 The BMW M135... 28 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:54,577 and Volkswagen's latest Golf GTI. 29 00:01:54,577 --> 00:01:57,497 Both cost around ã30,000. 30 00:01:58,537 --> 00:02:01,617 Both are available with three or five doors. 31 00:02:02,617 --> 00:02:05,417 Both come as standard with many things. 32 00:02:07,097 --> 00:02:12,617 And both will be as reliable and as long-lasting as Edinburgh Castle. 33 00:02:12,617 --> 00:02:15,417 You might think, then, that they are pretty similar. 34 00:02:15,417 --> 00:02:18,177 But they're not, which is why I am in the BMW. 35 00:02:18,177 --> 00:02:22,217 You see, the Golf has a two-litre four-cylinder 36 00:02:22,217 --> 00:02:25,977 turbocharged engine and that's very nice. 37 00:02:25,977 --> 00:02:32,017 But the BMW has a three-litre six-cylinder turbocharged engine. 38 00:02:32,017 --> 00:02:34,537 And that's even nicer. 39 00:02:38,337 --> 00:02:40,577 Yes, the Golf is lighter. 40 00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:46,657 But that is not enough to offset the 90-horsepower disadvantage. 41 00:02:48,217 --> 00:02:51,417 A point I shall now demonstrate with a small race. 42 00:03:00,857 --> 00:03:03,537 Front-wheel drive Golf is clinging on jolly well 43 00:03:03,537 --> 00:03:05,817 but frankly, it's pointless. 44 00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:13,297 I can overtake any time I like. I have the power. 45 00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:21,057 And I have an eight-speed gearbox compared to his paltry six. 46 00:03:21,977 --> 00:03:24,817 Yes, the Prussian aristocrat 47 00:03:24,817 --> 00:03:28,937 is trampling all over the lumpen people's car. 48 00:03:34,857 --> 00:03:37,417 There we go. Power! 49 00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,057 Come on! 50 00:03:40,177 --> 00:03:42,857 And there we are in front. 51 00:03:45,417 --> 00:03:47,977 'The BMW, then, really is very fast.' 52 00:03:49,617 --> 00:03:53,617 What's more, because this is the first hot hatchback 53 00:03:53,617 --> 00:03:58,977 for 30 years to have rear-wheel drive, you can do this. 54 00:04:03,737 --> 00:04:06,297 HE LAUGHS 55 00:04:06,297 --> 00:04:08,217 Whoo-ha! 56 00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:12,497 'So far, then, the BMW is running rings round the Golf. 57 00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:17,737 'But I then line them up for a simple straight-line drag race. 58 00:04:20,897 --> 00:04:23,497 'And there was a problem. 59 00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:25,257 'A big one.' 60 00:04:25,257 --> 00:04:27,137 Three... 61 00:04:27,137 --> 00:04:28,817 two... 62 00:04:28,817 --> 00:04:30,257 one! 63 00:04:30,257 --> 00:04:34,137 ENGINES ROAR 64 00:04:38,577 --> 00:04:39,817 Good noise! 65 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:48,337 With this in reverse... 66 00:04:49,977 --> 00:04:52,617 'At this point, I was feeling confident. 67 00:04:52,617 --> 00:04:55,017 'But, as I hit 120mph...' 68 00:04:56,017 --> 00:04:57,377 This really is... 69 00:04:57,377 --> 00:04:58,897 Oh, BLEEP BLEEP! 70 00:04:58,897 --> 00:05:02,217 CLUNKING AND RATTLING 71 00:05:16,537 --> 00:05:20,577 Yeah, you see, the Golf won that because this, well, it lost control. 72 00:05:21,977 --> 00:05:24,257 That's what happened there. 73 00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:25,697 Whoo! 74 00:05:27,857 --> 00:05:30,617 'After this incident, I switched to the Golf GTI. 75 00:05:33,377 --> 00:05:38,457 'And I decided immediately it was a lot better in every single way. 76 00:05:38,457 --> 00:05:41,697 'Not only was it able to travel in a straight line 77 00:05:41,697 --> 00:05:43,697 'without spinning off.., 78 00:05:43,697 --> 00:05:45,897 'but, thanks to its smaller engine, 79 00:05:45,897 --> 00:05:48,257 'it is a lot more economical than the BMW. 80 00:05:48,257 --> 00:05:50,857 'And a lot cheaper to insure.' 81 00:05:50,857 --> 00:05:54,297 In fact, because Volkswagen has fitted this with a forward-facing 82 00:05:54,297 --> 00:05:58,657 radar system that won't let you have a low-speed crash, 83 00:05:58,657 --> 00:06:05,177 this GTI is in an insurance group five down from the previous model. 84 00:06:05,177 --> 00:06:09,817 It would be more expensive to insure a pencil sharpener. 85 00:06:09,817 --> 00:06:12,337 'So the GTI is cheaper to run and cheaper to buy 86 00:06:12,337 --> 00:06:15,337 'and much better in a straight line than the BMW. 87 00:06:16,737 --> 00:06:19,937 'But what if you want to transport a nuclear warhead?' 88 00:06:21,417 --> 00:06:26,137 Well, what we have got here in the boot of the Volkswagen is a warhead. 89 00:06:26,137 --> 00:06:28,697 And as you can see, it fits perfectly. 90 00:06:28,697 --> 00:06:35,737 But will it fit in the boot of the BMW? 91 00:06:35,737 --> 00:06:39,777 Oh, dear. Oh, dearie me. 92 00:06:41,177 --> 00:06:45,177 See, this is the problem really with rear-wheel drive. 93 00:06:45,177 --> 00:06:46,617 It does rob space. 94 00:06:46,617 --> 00:06:49,137 So you would have to drive along like that. 95 00:06:49,137 --> 00:06:53,137 And somebody is going to notice. Hans Blick is, for sure. 96 00:06:54,257 --> 00:06:58,817 'Things are much the same when it comes to space in the cabin. 97 00:06:58,817 --> 00:07:02,057 'The Golf can handle three people on the back seat easily.' 98 00:07:03,177 --> 00:07:06,617 But the only way you're going to get three people in the back 99 00:07:06,617 --> 00:07:10,457 of the BMW is by sawing their legs off with a hammer. 100 00:07:12,657 --> 00:07:16,177 This is not only complicated and messy 101 00:07:16,177 --> 00:07:20,857 but, in Britain at least, it's currently against the law. 102 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:23,257 Come on! The bone! 103 00:07:28,577 --> 00:07:32,417 One... It's probably easier to buy the Golf, really. 104 00:07:34,097 --> 00:07:36,417 'So the Golf is cheaper to buy and cheaper to run 105 00:07:36,417 --> 00:07:39,097 'and also more practical than the BMW.' 106 00:07:42,257 --> 00:07:45,857 But it's like driving around in James May's sock drawer. 107 00:07:45,857 --> 00:07:51,017 Everything is exactly where you would expect it to be. Organised. 108 00:07:51,017 --> 00:07:55,657 Blue ones, brown ones, pink ones for special occasions. 109 00:07:55,657 --> 00:07:58,457 'Don't think, however, because it is sensible and practical 110 00:07:58,457 --> 00:08:02,497 'and economical, that it's in any way boring.' Look. 111 00:08:02,497 --> 00:08:05,497 The gear lever is a sort of golf ball shape. 112 00:08:05,497 --> 00:08:08,177 You see, you Englishers, you have the ze Monty Python 113 00:08:08,177 --> 00:08:09,977 and ze Harry and ze Paul 114 00:08:09,977 --> 00:08:13,737 but ve have a sense of humour also with this. Ja? 115 00:08:15,137 --> 00:08:16,697 'There's more as well. 116 00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:19,577 'Because this particular car is fitted with Volkswagen's 117 00:08:19,577 --> 00:08:21,217 'optional performance pack. 118 00:08:23,457 --> 00:08:29,537 'That means better brakes, more power. A top speed of 155mph. 119 00:08:29,537 --> 00:08:32,857 'And a trick front differential.' 120 00:08:32,857 --> 00:08:35,857 Now we have seen clever front differentials before 121 00:08:35,857 --> 00:08:38,617 but nothing like this. 122 00:08:38,617 --> 00:08:40,657 My foot is hard down now. 123 00:08:40,657 --> 00:08:42,977 Coming round Hammerhead. 124 00:08:45,937 --> 00:08:49,097 And there's no torque steer, there's no understeer... 125 00:08:52,937 --> 00:08:55,537 You can feel the whole car being dragged in, 126 00:08:55,537 --> 00:08:57,737 pulled towards the apex. 127 00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:01,497 I've never felt anything like it. 128 00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:07,697 A baboon could get this around here as fast as the Stig. 129 00:09:16,217 --> 00:09:20,257 'So there we are. These two cars are not the same at all. 130 00:09:20,257 --> 00:09:23,257 'One is brilliant in every way. 131 00:09:23,257 --> 00:09:25,937 'And the other tried to kill me.' 132 00:09:28,537 --> 00:09:30,577 APPLAUSE 133 00:09:32,097 --> 00:09:33,937 Very interesting. 134 00:09:33,937 --> 00:09:37,297 Plainly the car to have there. Oh, yes. Really fascinating. 135 00:09:37,297 --> 00:09:42,177 Just some questions raised. Let's get this straight. 136 00:09:42,177 --> 00:09:44,017 You don't like the BMW. 137 00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:47,497 Because you can't drive in a straight line. 138 00:09:48,537 --> 00:09:50,657 Hark who's talking! 139 00:09:51,697 --> 00:09:56,417 How fast did you say you were going? 120mph. 140 00:09:56,417 --> 00:09:58,297 Walking pace, basically. 141 00:09:58,297 --> 00:10:02,697 Listen, from the point where it suddenly snapped sideways for no 142 00:10:02,697 --> 00:10:05,657 reason, to the point where it stopped moving, we measured it. 143 00:10:05,657 --> 00:10:07,577 It was over a quarter of a mile. 144 00:10:07,577 --> 00:10:09,537 I could have held it, I reckon. 145 00:10:09,537 --> 00:10:11,857 Could you? You just aquaplaned. 146 00:10:11,857 --> 00:10:14,617 Yes, but the Golf was on the same track in the same conditions 147 00:10:14,617 --> 00:10:16,617 and it didn't aquaplane. 148 00:10:16,617 --> 00:10:20,057 Now, the Golf didn't aquaplane because you weren't driving it. 149 00:10:21,417 --> 00:10:24,497 Yes, but, Hammond, all things considered, 150 00:10:24,497 --> 00:10:28,577 the Golf is a better car. Is it? It is, honestly. 151 00:10:28,577 --> 00:10:30,337 The diff in it is remarkable. 152 00:10:30,337 --> 00:10:33,297 Because you know when you go round a corner in a car, 153 00:10:33,297 --> 00:10:35,817 you go like that, yeah? And it wants to push out. 154 00:10:35,817 --> 00:10:38,857 Well, in this, the faster you go, it comes in. 155 00:10:38,857 --> 00:10:41,977 It's like Volkswagen has worked out a way to reverse centrifugal force. 156 00:10:41,977 --> 00:10:45,737 Ah, so Volkswagen have broken science. Yes. With a diff? 157 00:10:45,737 --> 00:10:47,377 Yes. 158 00:10:47,377 --> 00:10:51,297 And now, we must find out how fast these cars go round our track. 159 00:10:51,297 --> 00:10:55,297 And that, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver. 160 00:10:55,297 --> 00:11:00,977 Some say that his hair is the exact same shape as a hat. 161 00:11:03,297 --> 00:11:06,417 And that if he worked for CNN... 162 00:11:06,417 --> 00:11:09,417 LAUGHTER 163 00:11:09,417 --> 00:11:12,457 ..he wouldn't get such pitifully low ratings 164 00:11:12,457 --> 00:11:14,417 that his show got cancelled. 165 00:11:14,417 --> 00:11:18,177 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 166 00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:26,217 All we know is he is called the Stig. 167 00:11:26,217 --> 00:11:27,537 And they're off. 168 00:11:27,537 --> 00:11:30,297 And for the first time this series, it is actually dry. 169 00:11:30,297 --> 00:11:31,697 First straight. 170 00:11:31,697 --> 00:11:34,737 Will the BMW suddenly spin off for no reason? 171 00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:37,817 No, it has actually made it to the first corner. Amazing! 172 00:11:38,937 --> 00:11:42,497 Both turbocharged engines loving this crisp dry air 173 00:11:42,497 --> 00:11:44,617 and no fuss so far. 174 00:11:44,617 --> 00:11:47,777 BIZARRE VOICES AND MUSIC 175 00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:51,577 No idea what that was. 176 00:11:51,577 --> 00:11:53,817 Right, through Chicago. 177 00:11:53,817 --> 00:11:56,537 Golf's traction control can't be completely switched off. 178 00:11:56,537 --> 00:11:59,497 You can actually see it nipping at the brakes on the way in. 179 00:11:59,497 --> 00:12:01,697 The BMW, of course, just being stupid. 180 00:12:02,817 --> 00:12:05,737 Hammerhead - no real dramas there either 181 00:12:05,737 --> 00:12:07,137 but the Golf - yes, its magic 182 00:12:07,137 --> 00:12:09,377 differential casually twisting physics. 183 00:12:09,377 --> 00:12:11,617 MUSIC PLAYS 184 00:12:14,337 --> 00:12:18,657 Right, Follow Through and yes, the BMW is trying to spin, of course. 185 00:12:18,657 --> 00:12:21,017 The Golf has a nibble of traction control and then, 186 00:12:21,017 --> 00:12:22,337 faithful as a Labrador. 187 00:12:22,337 --> 00:12:24,777 Oh, the Golf brake lights flickering there. 188 00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:27,857 That is the traction control turning them on, not Stig, who is still 189 00:12:27,857 --> 00:12:32,057 fuming because I said a baboon could drive as fast in the Golf as him. 190 00:12:32,057 --> 00:12:33,497 Right, just Gambon left. 191 00:12:33,497 --> 00:12:35,457 More hooliganism from the Beemer. 192 00:12:35,457 --> 00:12:36,777 And across the line! 193 00:12:36,777 --> 00:12:38,737 APPLAUSE 194 00:12:40,657 --> 00:12:42,457 I have the times here. 195 00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:46,017 Come on, then. The BMW... 196 00:12:46,017 --> 00:12:49,857 The BMW went round in 1.25.1 197 00:12:49,857 --> 00:12:52,857 so it is slower than the old version, 198 00:12:52,857 --> 00:12:55,217 which did it on a damp track. 199 00:12:55,217 --> 00:12:56,777 So that's useless. 200 00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,337 And the Golf GTI did a 1.28.6. 201 00:12:59,337 --> 00:13:01,417 Look at that. 202 00:13:01,417 --> 00:13:05,257 That's a lot slower. Yes, yes, yes. But look. Astra, Megane RS, Focus. 203 00:13:05,257 --> 00:13:08,697 It is right where hot hatchbacks should be. This is just stupid. 204 00:13:08,697 --> 00:13:12,457 This is much better. And now we must do the news. Yes, we must. 205 00:13:12,457 --> 00:13:15,217 Which is difficult, because that means walking over there, 206 00:13:15,217 --> 00:13:18,017 which is a straight line. You could spin off and lose it. 207 00:13:18,017 --> 00:13:20,857 Thank you, Hammond. Don't slip. Careful. Here she comes. 208 00:13:20,857 --> 00:13:22,697 Ladies and gentlemen, will he make it? 209 00:13:22,697 --> 00:13:24,697 Conditions are very dry in the studio today. 210 00:13:24,697 --> 00:13:28,177 Oh, no, he has only got to step to go. Shut up. Yes, he has done it. 211 00:13:28,177 --> 00:13:30,017 APPLAUSE 212 00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:31,857 I thought you were going off. 213 00:13:31,857 --> 00:13:34,017 Listen. It is a tricky straight, that. 214 00:13:34,017 --> 00:13:39,417 It was easy because my shoes were not made by BMW. Really. 215 00:13:39,417 --> 00:13:41,097 Good. Now. Do the news now, you two. 216 00:13:41,097 --> 00:13:42,737 The news, ladies and gentlemen. 217 00:13:42,737 --> 00:13:46,577 Now, last week you saw Richard Hammond driving a six-wheeled 218 00:13:46,577 --> 00:13:49,697 Mercedes-Benz but did you know they made another six-wheeled 219 00:13:49,697 --> 00:13:52,777 car long before that one? Like to see a picture of it? Love to. 220 00:13:52,777 --> 00:13:54,577 Here it is. 221 00:13:54,577 --> 00:13:56,417 Oh, right. 222 00:13:56,417 --> 00:13:59,857 Did they not mention this, then? Do you know, they didn't. How odd. 223 00:13:59,857 --> 00:14:02,137 It is, isn't it, because Mercedes like to go on 224 00:14:02,137 --> 00:14:05,337 about their heritage and history and they didn't mention that one. 225 00:14:05,337 --> 00:14:08,417 Well, perhaps they didn't mention it because it has got Hitler in it. 226 00:14:08,417 --> 00:14:11,737 That is not Hitler. It is. It isn't. 227 00:14:11,737 --> 00:14:14,937 No, that car was built long before indicators were invented 228 00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,177 so he is just the to do some hand signals. 229 00:14:17,177 --> 00:14:19,497 What signal is he doing here, then, James? 230 00:14:19,497 --> 00:14:22,537 He's saying, "Take the Third Reich." 231 00:14:22,537 --> 00:14:25,777 LAUGHTER AND GROANS 232 00:14:30,857 --> 00:14:35,617 Now. Have we got any Scottish people here? Yes! Yes! 233 00:14:35,617 --> 00:14:39,097 Would you like to step outside just for the next few minutes? Please. 234 00:14:39,097 --> 00:14:42,217 We've got a bit of a chat. It's about Scottish independence. 235 00:14:42,217 --> 00:14:44,697 It's just that we've heard a lot of talk in recent weeks 236 00:14:44,697 --> 00:14:47,777 about what Scotland would lose if you choose to go on your own 237 00:14:47,777 --> 00:14:50,537 but nobody is talking about what England would lose. 238 00:14:50,537 --> 00:14:52,817 And it is actually quite a lot. 239 00:14:52,817 --> 00:14:56,177 Because we would lose North Sea oil, the sub base at Faslane, 240 00:14:56,177 --> 00:15:00,697 all tramps... Oh, God. LAUGHTER 241 00:15:00,697 --> 00:15:05,137 And we'd also lose a significant chunk of our motoring heritage 242 00:15:05,137 --> 00:15:07,457 and I'm not talking about the Hillmans and Talbots 243 00:15:07,457 --> 00:15:09,937 that were made at the Linwood plant just outside Paisley. 244 00:15:09,937 --> 00:15:11,897 No, I'm talking about stuff like 245 00:15:11,897 --> 00:15:14,697 the mighty Argyll, Scotland's finest. 246 00:15:14,697 --> 00:15:16,777 Wow! LAUGHTER 247 00:15:16,777 --> 00:15:18,617 Look at that MASTERPIECE! 248 00:15:18,617 --> 00:15:21,617 Do you know, when that car came out, it was the same price 249 00:15:21,617 --> 00:15:26,057 as a Ferrari 308... Mm. ..and hardly anybody bought one? 250 00:15:26,057 --> 00:15:28,537 Really? It is remarkable because you look at that... 251 00:15:28,537 --> 00:15:30,737 well, plastic body and you know... 252 00:15:30,737 --> 00:15:32,657 you just look at the way the door fits. 253 00:15:32,657 --> 00:15:35,617 That is a quality product. Isn't it? Isn't it? Oh, yeah. 254 00:15:35,617 --> 00:15:38,257 What engine did it have? Ah, now, it's interesting. 255 00:15:38,257 --> 00:15:42,857 Engine-wise, you could have either an engine from a Lancia, 256 00:15:42,857 --> 00:15:46,377 a Peugeot, Renault, you could have a Buick V6... 257 00:15:46,377 --> 00:15:49,617 Basically, it was whatever turned up in the scrap yard that week. 258 00:15:49,617 --> 00:15:51,377 Basically, yes. Planted in there. 259 00:15:51,377 --> 00:15:54,897 Well, actually, you could also have it with the option of 260 00:15:54,897 --> 00:15:59,297 a turbocharged Rover V8 and guess how many of those they sold? 261 00:15:59,297 --> 00:16:03,617 Was it none? Yes, it was none! Absolutely none at all! 262 00:16:03,617 --> 00:16:06,217 And I have to say, it wasn't just supercars 263 00:16:06,217 --> 00:16:07,977 where Scotland was ahead of the game. 264 00:16:07,977 --> 00:16:10,417 They were ahead of the curve, also, with electric cars 265 00:16:10,417 --> 00:16:13,657 because, way back in the day, they made a little car called the Scamp. 266 00:16:13,657 --> 00:16:14,937 I've got a picture of it here. 267 00:16:14,937 --> 00:16:17,297 Wow! LAUGHTER 268 00:16:17,297 --> 00:16:19,657 Great Scott! LAUGHTER 269 00:16:19,657 --> 00:16:22,377 That still has the power to take your breath away, even today. 270 00:16:22,377 --> 00:16:27,017 It does. Doesn't it just? It's... It's a rather tragic story, though. 271 00:16:27,017 --> 00:16:29,977 It was made of aluminium and wood and it was going to be sold 272 00:16:29,977 --> 00:16:33,737 through Electricity Board showrooms, which I remember, actually. 273 00:16:33,737 --> 00:16:35,937 But when they took it to the government test centre 274 00:16:35,937 --> 00:16:39,057 to get a road-worthiness certificate before they could put it on sale, 275 00:16:39,057 --> 00:16:40,937 there was a bit of a problem. 276 00:16:40,937 --> 00:16:44,737 In one test, the government engineer noted - 277 00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:47,337 and I've written all the problems, here, down - 278 00:16:47,337 --> 00:16:50,097 "The speedo broke, the electric motor stopped working, 279 00:16:50,097 --> 00:16:52,857 "the back door flew open, the spare wheel fell out, 280 00:16:52,857 --> 00:16:56,377 "the steering went wrong and then the suspension snapped." 281 00:16:56,377 --> 00:16:58,257 LAUGHTER 282 00:16:58,257 --> 00:17:00,057 And that was the end of that. Aw! 283 00:17:00,057 --> 00:17:02,777 And yet it looked so full of promise, didn't it, there? 284 00:17:02,777 --> 00:17:04,497 LAUGHTER 285 00:17:04,497 --> 00:17:07,857 Now, I drove my Mercedes down to the track this morning 286 00:17:07,857 --> 00:17:10,897 and, genuinely, the most extraordinary thing happened. 287 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,697 It didn't catch fire. 288 00:17:12,697 --> 00:17:14,097 Really? LAUGHTER 289 00:17:14,097 --> 00:17:18,537 Now, James, you came down in your Fiat Panda, did you not? Yes. 290 00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:21,537 Did that catch fire? Let me just think. No. Did it not? 291 00:17:21,537 --> 00:17:25,017 No, it didn't at all. Richard, the hire car you came down in... Yes?! 292 00:17:25,017 --> 00:17:27,457 ..did that burst into flames? No, it didn't. Did it not? 293 00:17:27,457 --> 00:17:29,937 Why are you in a hire car? 294 00:17:29,937 --> 00:17:31,617 Because Porsche have told me 295 00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:35,617 I'm not allowed to drive my brand-new GT3 and they've taken it off me. 296 00:17:35,617 --> 00:17:39,297 Oh, is this because, as we mentioned briefly last week, 297 00:17:39,297 --> 00:17:41,417 Porsche GT3s have been bursting into flames 298 00:17:41,417 --> 00:17:44,097 and now Porsche have told you you can't drive it any more? 299 00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,257 Yes, it is and you both know full well that it is! 300 00:17:46,257 --> 00:17:48,617 Well, that means you have no use of those oven gloves, 301 00:17:48,617 --> 00:17:51,137 which I can see down there, which I bought you last week. 302 00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:52,457 My Porsche driving gloves. 303 00:17:52,457 --> 00:17:56,057 Have they taken it away? Yes, they've taken it off me! 304 00:17:56,057 --> 00:17:58,257 So, you don't need those, but it's OK, Hammond, 305 00:17:58,257 --> 00:18:02,097 because I have got you another present. Oh, good(!) Have you? 306 00:18:02,097 --> 00:18:06,097 No, Hammond, it's a 911 tailored specifically for you. 307 00:18:06,097 --> 00:18:07,377 Is it(?) 308 00:18:07,377 --> 00:18:09,377 Yes, here it is. Look at that. 309 00:18:09,377 --> 00:18:12,617 Oh, you are literally the most amusing man 310 00:18:12,617 --> 00:18:15,497 in the whole world. He is. Even I'm... 311 00:18:15,497 --> 00:18:17,337 Oh, no! 312 00:18:17,337 --> 00:18:19,057 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 313 00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:23,137 Look! It's OK, I've got on oven gloves. 314 00:18:23,137 --> 00:18:26,377 Put it out as fast as possible! It's all right. 315 00:18:26,377 --> 00:18:29,657 APPLAUSE 316 00:18:29,657 --> 00:18:32,017 I hate you. LAUGHTER 317 00:18:35,497 --> 00:18:37,177 Right, now, em... 318 00:18:37,177 --> 00:18:40,177 Yes, as we know, a great many people in the country 319 00:18:40,177 --> 00:18:42,697 are now starting to use one of these to move about. 320 00:18:42,697 --> 00:18:44,977 Now, this is called a bicycle 321 00:18:44,977 --> 00:18:49,057 and you can tell just by looking at it that it is very dangerous 322 00:18:49,057 --> 00:18:51,857 and, as a result, a lot of people are being hurt 323 00:18:51,857 --> 00:18:53,177 in cycle-related injuries. 324 00:18:53,177 --> 00:18:54,697 In the olden days, the government 325 00:18:54,697 --> 00:18:57,937 would have addressed this problem by making a public information film. 326 00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:00,257 They used to make them about all sorts of things. 327 00:19:00,257 --> 00:19:03,577 We had 'Clunk Click Every Trip', not to go near a railway, 328 00:19:03,577 --> 00:19:05,417 not to play near the water... 329 00:19:05,417 --> 00:19:07,177 Yes, there was 'Don't Run'. 330 00:19:07,177 --> 00:19:10,137 They never told us not to run. They did! They did not. 331 00:19:10,137 --> 00:19:13,777 I shall show you! We've got a clip here, look, watch. 332 00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:16,817 FILM VOICEOVER: 'You never know what's round the corner. 333 00:19:16,817 --> 00:19:18,297 'So don't run.' 334 00:19:18,297 --> 00:19:19,417 GLASS SMASHES 335 00:19:19,417 --> 00:19:22,897 There you go. Yes... That's advice I have heeded all my life. 336 00:19:22,897 --> 00:19:25,737 You really took that to heart! You haven't run since, have you? 337 00:19:25,737 --> 00:19:28,697 Of course not! There might be a pane of glass coming! 338 00:19:28,697 --> 00:19:31,777 Anyway, we don't really get these public information films any more 339 00:19:31,777 --> 00:19:35,017 because of budget cuts and so on, so Jeremy and I thought, 340 00:19:35,017 --> 00:19:37,377 to help stop cyclists being injured, 341 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,857 it might be a good idea to bring them back. 342 00:19:39,857 --> 00:19:44,857 So you two are going to make a public information film about cycling?! 343 00:19:44,857 --> 00:19:46,177 Yes, we are, actually. 344 00:19:46,177 --> 00:19:49,137 We went to see a panel of experts at London's Westminster Council 345 00:19:49,137 --> 00:19:51,257 and they said they would be delighted 346 00:19:51,257 --> 00:19:53,297 if we made a public information film 347 00:19:53,297 --> 00:19:55,817 which would help cut the number of injuries 348 00:19:55,817 --> 00:19:57,297 and this is what... CLEARS THROAT 349 00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:59,337 ..I came up with. Here we go. 350 00:20:18,737 --> 00:20:23,337 'John works hard, which means that he can afford to drive a car. 351 00:20:28,897 --> 00:20:33,137 'That means he gets home to his family safely every night.' 352 00:20:33,137 --> 00:20:35,097 CHILD: Daddy's home! 353 00:20:39,377 --> 00:20:41,457 APPLAUSE 354 00:20:43,177 --> 00:20:44,737 Thank you very much. 355 00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:49,657 I think a work of genius, frankly. 356 00:20:49,657 --> 00:20:53,337 That is terrible. It isn't! It is! It isn't! 357 00:20:53,337 --> 00:20:57,097 It is. No, it is, which is why I fired him 358 00:20:57,097 --> 00:21:00,697 and went and had a go at making a public information film on my own. 359 00:21:04,457 --> 00:21:06,977 'Having come up with a cracking idea, 360 00:21:06,977 --> 00:21:09,297 'I appointed myself as director, 361 00:21:09,297 --> 00:21:14,017 'gathered together a small cast and crew, and set to work.' 362 00:21:14,017 --> 00:21:16,377 The whole point of this is... 363 00:21:16,377 --> 00:21:20,097 is to be with you on the swing and try and look doctor-ish. 364 00:21:20,097 --> 00:21:22,657 That pen isn't very medical, I'm afraid. 365 00:21:22,657 --> 00:21:24,057 Action. 366 00:21:24,057 --> 00:21:27,497 I love it. Golden! Yeah. 367 00:21:27,497 --> 00:21:29,657 First positions, let's go again. 368 00:21:29,657 --> 00:21:32,937 If you could be opposite each other on this three-pronged arrangement. 369 00:21:32,937 --> 00:21:35,017 Arms out, singing in the rain. 370 00:21:40,417 --> 00:21:42,377 Good...and action! 371 00:21:42,377 --> 00:21:46,537 Good swinging. Nice. I'm liking this. 372 00:21:48,177 --> 00:21:52,217 'When my film was finished, Jeremy and I went to Westminster Council 373 00:21:52,217 --> 00:21:55,177 'to show it to the panel of experts. 374 00:21:55,177 --> 00:22:00,137 'There was Chris Boardman, policy adviser for British Cycling, 375 00:22:00,137 --> 00:22:03,257 'Martin Low, City Transport Commissioner 376 00:22:03,257 --> 00:22:07,457 'and Alan Kennedy, Road Safety GB.' 377 00:22:07,457 --> 00:22:11,817 The good news is, we have two films for you to look at. 378 00:22:11,817 --> 00:22:13,817 No, we have one. No, two. 379 00:22:13,817 --> 00:22:15,177 There's two. 380 00:22:15,177 --> 00:22:17,737 Why don't you show them yours first of all, 381 00:22:17,737 --> 00:22:20,217 which I believe is that one there? 382 00:22:20,217 --> 00:22:23,297 Gentlemen, if you would like to relax whilst I just... 383 00:22:23,297 --> 00:22:25,057 insert this in the machine. 384 00:22:27,377 --> 00:22:29,337 CHILDREN'S CHATTERING VOICES 385 00:22:36,497 --> 00:22:38,377 Yee-hee-hee! Woo-hoo! 386 00:22:38,377 --> 00:22:39,937 Waaah! 387 00:22:39,937 --> 00:22:44,697 'You stopped playing with children's toys when you grew up. 388 00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:47,057 'So why ride a bicycle?' 389 00:22:47,057 --> 00:22:50,017 Oh, I did a skid! 390 00:22:58,057 --> 00:23:00,857 You just haven't got it, have you? Absolutely crazy. 391 00:23:00,857 --> 00:23:03,217 Well, no, I can see you are disappointed, 392 00:23:03,217 --> 00:23:04,657 just in the way you're looking. 393 00:23:04,657 --> 00:23:07,017 James, they are disappointed with your work. 394 00:23:07,017 --> 00:23:09,977 May I just play you this one, if I may. Just let me show you this one 395 00:23:09,977 --> 00:23:12,857 cos I think this will rectify the problem, which has begun already. 396 00:23:17,177 --> 00:23:21,617 'John works hard, which means that he can afford to drive a car. 397 00:23:24,537 --> 00:23:26,297 'Work harder. Get a car.' 398 00:23:27,577 --> 00:23:29,777 Terrible. Absolutely terrible. Sorry, that's... 399 00:23:29,777 --> 00:23:31,937 You just got it wrong, so wrong. Dreadfully wrong. 400 00:23:31,937 --> 00:23:35,977 Where's the cyclist? Mangled at the end. What was the brief? 401 00:23:35,977 --> 00:23:39,137 Well, we are trying to make cycling safer 402 00:23:39,137 --> 00:23:42,297 and we thought the best way to do that is to stop people cycling. 403 00:23:42,297 --> 00:23:44,617 But the message you should be getting across 404 00:23:44,617 --> 00:23:47,777 is that people need to be considerate towards each other. 405 00:23:47,777 --> 00:23:50,417 I'm not sure they are going to like our poster idea 406 00:23:50,417 --> 00:23:52,937 that we had as well, but we came up with that. 407 00:23:58,537 --> 00:24:00,177 We did spell it wrong. 408 00:24:00,177 --> 00:24:03,177 I think we are going in entirely the wrong direction. 409 00:24:03,177 --> 00:24:06,537 Entirely the wrong direction. Have you actually spoken to a cyclist? 410 00:24:06,537 --> 00:24:07,857 Well, no. 411 00:24:07,857 --> 00:24:11,417 Well, maybe that would be a good idea, or even try it yourself. 412 00:24:12,977 --> 00:24:15,177 'And so we put on some cycling clothes 413 00:24:15,177 --> 00:24:17,137 'and went on a fact-finding trip 414 00:24:17,137 --> 00:24:19,457 'around London's glittering West End.' 415 00:24:21,057 --> 00:24:23,577 Come on, Jeremy! I'm behind you! 416 00:24:23,577 --> 00:24:26,577 I'll sound my bell for pedestrians. 417 00:24:26,577 --> 00:24:28,497 BELL TINKLES 418 00:24:28,497 --> 00:24:31,417 Look at him, he's wearing normal clothing, the lunatic! 419 00:24:31,417 --> 00:24:35,577 You'll be killed! You're mad! You will never make it! 420 00:24:37,497 --> 00:24:40,697 Whoo! I nearly hit that bloke in the face. 421 00:24:40,697 --> 00:24:44,257 'Our mission was to identify the dangers that cyclists face 422 00:24:44,257 --> 00:24:48,017 'on the city streets and soon we spotted one.' 423 00:24:48,017 --> 00:24:49,977 James, we've got to go right. Right? 424 00:24:49,977 --> 00:24:54,297 There's a lot of peril involved in that. Right... Be careful, James. 425 00:24:54,297 --> 00:24:56,737 There is great peril. 426 00:24:56,737 --> 00:24:59,577 'So, we came up with a solution.' 427 00:24:59,577 --> 00:25:01,257 What if we only went left? 428 00:25:01,257 --> 00:25:03,097 That's not a bad idea, actually. 429 00:25:03,097 --> 00:25:05,417 You can still get where you want to go by going left. 430 00:25:05,417 --> 00:25:07,017 So we go left here, yes? 431 00:25:07,017 --> 00:25:08,097 Yeah. 432 00:25:09,377 --> 00:25:13,057 There is another little left here we can do. Excellent. 433 00:25:13,057 --> 00:25:17,337 I feel perfectly safe. I feel completely safe. 434 00:25:17,337 --> 00:25:20,777 No right turns, that's the main thing with cycling. 435 00:25:20,777 --> 00:25:24,177 I reckon it improves your chances of survival by about 85%. 436 00:25:24,177 --> 00:25:25,457 Definitely. 437 00:25:25,457 --> 00:25:28,377 Oh, hang on. No, I'm not sure that has worked. 438 00:25:28,377 --> 00:25:32,337 I've seen Charles Saatchi having lunch five times already. 439 00:25:34,137 --> 00:25:35,817 'After an hour in the saddle, 440 00:25:35,817 --> 00:25:38,697 'I discovered another problem for cyclists.' 441 00:25:38,697 --> 00:25:41,937 Oh, bump, bump! 442 00:25:41,937 --> 00:25:45,137 Really bumpy here and this is deeply uncomfortable now. 443 00:25:46,577 --> 00:25:48,257 Oh! 444 00:25:49,417 --> 00:25:51,777 Oof! Ow! 445 00:25:51,777 --> 00:25:55,057 I've got to do something about my bottom, this is really... 446 00:25:55,057 --> 00:25:57,377 uncomfortable. 447 00:25:58,817 --> 00:26:00,577 'So we stopped at a bicycle shop 448 00:26:00,577 --> 00:26:03,377 'where, apparently, you can buy special creams.' 449 00:26:03,377 --> 00:26:07,257 Are these all to rub onto your bits? Yes, they are. 450 00:26:07,257 --> 00:26:09,577 Is that normal? Yes, we even have one for women. 451 00:26:09,577 --> 00:26:12,457 Are women's bottoms different to men's bottoms? I should think so. 452 00:26:12,457 --> 00:26:13,537 Are they? Yes. 453 00:26:13,537 --> 00:26:15,537 'Having selected the correct cream, 454 00:26:15,537 --> 00:26:18,737 'I went to apply it in the changing room.' 455 00:26:23,977 --> 00:26:26,217 JEREMY GRUNTS 456 00:26:27,457 --> 00:26:29,137 'This made everything worse.' 457 00:26:29,137 --> 00:26:30,817 Ooh! 458 00:26:30,817 --> 00:26:34,257 Have you ever put toothpaste on your testicles for a joke? 459 00:26:34,257 --> 00:26:36,337 To be honest, yes, I did, when I was a teenager. 460 00:26:36,337 --> 00:26:39,137 Yes, exactly, so did I. Do you remember the pain? Yes, I do. 461 00:26:39,137 --> 00:26:41,457 Well... Is that what it's like? 462 00:26:42,697 --> 00:26:44,777 'James was very sympathetic.' 463 00:26:44,777 --> 00:26:47,537 ♪ Goodness gracious great balls of fire! ♪ 464 00:26:47,537 --> 00:26:52,977 'With the pain getting worse...' Ooh! Ow! Ow! 465 00:26:52,977 --> 00:26:55,537 '..I had to make an emergency stop.' 466 00:26:55,537 --> 00:26:59,657 Please may I use your lavatories? My scrotum is on fire. 467 00:26:59,657 --> 00:27:01,977 Have you ever put toothpaste on your scrotum? 468 00:27:01,977 --> 00:27:03,497 Ooh... 469 00:27:04,737 --> 00:27:08,497 'With my gentleman's area sorted, we got back on the road.' 470 00:27:08,497 --> 00:27:11,297 Right, so the light just went red, 471 00:27:11,297 --> 00:27:13,657 so that means go when you're on a bicycle. 472 00:27:13,657 --> 00:27:17,377 'And soon we were picking up valuable information.' 473 00:27:17,377 --> 00:27:21,217 Taxi driver. Very polite. Thank you very much, sir. Another taxi. 474 00:27:21,217 --> 00:27:23,817 Extremely polite. 475 00:27:23,817 --> 00:27:25,857 Thank you. 476 00:27:25,857 --> 00:27:28,537 Yeah, look at that, you see, he politely let me go. 477 00:27:28,537 --> 00:27:30,177 Thank you. 478 00:27:31,537 --> 00:27:34,137 I've been riding now for three hours 479 00:27:34,137 --> 00:27:38,137 and not a single car driver has done anything annoying. 480 00:27:38,137 --> 00:27:41,737 You'd imagine that cycling around Hyde Park Corner, 481 00:27:41,737 --> 00:27:44,137 which is what I'm doing now, would be... 482 00:27:44,137 --> 00:27:46,617 as dangerous as juggling chain saws, 483 00:27:46,617 --> 00:27:50,577 but if you keep your eyes open and you are courteous... 484 00:27:50,577 --> 00:27:52,697 it's fine. 485 00:27:54,177 --> 00:27:57,257 Every car has given me a six-foot berth, taxis, vans. 486 00:27:57,257 --> 00:27:59,697 Yes, all the cars and vans have been very decent. 487 00:27:59,697 --> 00:28:01,577 I haven't got a complaint. 488 00:28:01,577 --> 00:28:06,057 'But...there was one type of road user who wasn't courteous at all.' 489 00:28:06,057 --> 00:28:07,737 Look at this idiot! 490 00:28:09,497 --> 00:28:12,097 BLEEP! BLEEP! 491 00:28:12,097 --> 00:28:14,817 Whoa! God above! 492 00:28:14,817 --> 00:28:16,817 So that bus just overtook me, 493 00:28:16,817 --> 00:28:20,457 so I have to now go on the wrong side of the road and you get... 494 00:28:20,457 --> 00:28:23,417 And now he's just set off! See? 495 00:28:23,417 --> 00:28:27,137 And I'm stuck on the wrong side of the road. 496 00:28:27,137 --> 00:28:31,537 These are the problem, I've decided. The buses. 497 00:28:31,537 --> 00:28:33,337 Because all of the drivers think 498 00:28:33,337 --> 00:28:36,417 they are literally Lord God Almighty. 499 00:28:38,137 --> 00:28:39,537 BLEEP! 500 00:28:39,537 --> 00:28:43,057 It's bloody murder! Now they're giving me a wide berth. 501 00:28:43,057 --> 00:28:46,177 Your bus is going to kill me! 502 00:28:46,177 --> 00:28:48,377 You are going to kill me! Keep going! Keep going! 503 00:28:48,377 --> 00:28:52,497 But he is a homicidal maniac! And another one! 504 00:28:52,497 --> 00:28:54,897 Aargh! 505 00:28:54,897 --> 00:28:56,217 Aargh! 506 00:28:56,217 --> 00:28:57,737 No, don't do that. 507 00:28:57,737 --> 00:29:00,497 Why do they put bicycles in the bus lane?! 508 00:29:02,097 --> 00:29:03,577 Whoa! 509 00:29:06,977 --> 00:29:09,417 'And then, just to round things off...' 510 00:29:09,417 --> 00:29:14,137 Whoa! Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no! 511 00:29:14,137 --> 00:29:17,377 What are you doing? Look, the chain has come off. 512 00:29:17,377 --> 00:29:18,697 HORNS BEEP Sorry. 513 00:29:18,697 --> 00:29:20,177 HORN BEEPS 514 00:29:20,177 --> 00:29:23,377 I know! There's nothing much I can do, is there? Go over here. 515 00:29:23,377 --> 00:29:27,017 Why can't they build a machine where the chain stays on? 516 00:29:27,017 --> 00:29:29,297 You've got that derailleur miles out of adjustment. 517 00:29:29,297 --> 00:29:31,937 I don't know what you're talking about. What is a de-rail-eum? 518 00:29:31,937 --> 00:29:34,657 It's the thing that moves the chain across. You've bent it. 519 00:29:34,657 --> 00:29:36,177 So, the gearbox on this is broken? 520 00:29:36,177 --> 00:29:38,537 We are going to have to sell it and buy another one. 521 00:29:38,537 --> 00:29:43,217 'After James had mended my geranium, he gave me a stern lecture.' 522 00:29:43,217 --> 00:29:46,737 Bicycles... The reason people have accidents on bicycles 523 00:29:46,737 --> 00:29:48,817 is cos of things like the brakes not working, 524 00:29:48,817 --> 00:29:50,257 worn out wheel bearings, bad... 525 00:29:50,257 --> 00:29:53,497 Those out of adjustment, that out of adjustment, this not tight enough. 526 00:29:53,497 --> 00:29:55,417 It's really easy, bicycle maintenance, 527 00:29:55,417 --> 00:29:57,777 you only need about three spanners and a screwdriver. 528 00:30:01,177 --> 00:30:04,297 'With the fact-finding mission over, 529 00:30:04,297 --> 00:30:08,377 'we felt we had become fully paid-up members of the cycling community.' 530 00:30:10,497 --> 00:30:12,177 Have you got the arts pages? 531 00:30:20,937 --> 00:30:23,377 Mm. 532 00:30:23,377 --> 00:30:27,057 It seems to me, for our public information film, 533 00:30:27,057 --> 00:30:33,097 what we should do is make cycling attractive to bus passengers 534 00:30:33,097 --> 00:30:36,017 because then there would be no need for buses. 535 00:30:36,017 --> 00:30:38,537 And they are the biggest problem on the road. 536 00:30:38,537 --> 00:30:41,177 Not just for cyclists but also for cars. Yes. 537 00:30:41,177 --> 00:30:46,577 So if we get rid of buses, remove the demand for buses... 538 00:30:46,577 --> 00:30:49,657 We get an extra lane. ..everybody wins. 539 00:30:49,657 --> 00:30:55,457 'A few days later, we cycled to the Top Gear office to discuss 540 00:30:55,457 --> 00:30:58,177 'some new ideas for our important public information film.' 541 00:30:59,977 --> 00:31:05,097 I think what that does is it dissuades people from using the bus. 542 00:31:05,097 --> 00:31:08,697 Yes, but it isn't true. It is. It isn't. 543 00:31:08,697 --> 00:31:11,057 It is, I went on a bus once and I got an eye infection. 544 00:31:11,057 --> 00:31:14,377 Some people get diphtheria or rickets or scurvy. 545 00:31:14,377 --> 00:31:17,377 They do. It is nonsense, it is not going to work. 546 00:31:17,377 --> 00:31:20,257 'I then showed Jeremy something I'd put together.' 547 00:31:20,257 --> 00:31:22,497 ON TV: 'Hello, cyclists, 548 00:31:22,497 --> 00:31:25,817 'I am here today to talk to you about bicycle maintenance. 549 00:31:25,817 --> 00:31:28,817 'Let's start with the most important part of a bike. 550 00:31:28,817 --> 00:31:30,937 'You simply rotate this adjuster 551 00:31:30,937 --> 00:31:33,737 'until the brake blocks are almost in contact with the wheel. 552 00:31:33,737 --> 00:31:36,577 'Lock it with the nut and then...' 553 00:31:39,217 --> 00:31:42,737 '..the chain and the sprockets will grind together. 554 00:31:42,737 --> 00:31:46,297 'Make sure there is no play in the steering head bearings. 555 00:31:46,297 --> 00:31:48,937 'If there is, if you can feel a little clunk, clunk, clunk...' 556 00:31:48,937 --> 00:31:54,337 How much more is there of this? Well, quite a lot. How long is this? 557 00:31:54,337 --> 00:31:57,857 58 minutes. What, a 58 minute thing?! 558 00:31:57,857 --> 00:32:01,497 It is more a public information documentary, if I am honest. 559 00:32:03,257 --> 00:32:08,217 'Annoyingly, James's other ideas were even worse.' 560 00:32:08,217 --> 00:32:09,857 Action! 561 00:32:14,017 --> 00:32:18,257 Why is he dressed up as Hitler? Because cyclists need to be visible. 562 00:32:19,457 --> 00:32:21,697 Christ on a bike! 563 00:32:24,537 --> 00:32:28,817 James, you can't do that. Yes, I can. 564 00:32:28,817 --> 00:32:30,697 'As he brought out a cross, 565 00:32:30,697 --> 00:32:33,577 'I left him alone and went off to work on my own.' 566 00:32:33,577 --> 00:32:37,097 One of the problems I discovered on my fact-finding bike ride 567 00:32:37,097 --> 00:32:42,217 around London is that pedestrians simply don't hear bicycles coming. 568 00:32:42,217 --> 00:32:43,577 They step off the kerb, 569 00:32:43,577 --> 00:32:46,937 the cyclist has to swerve into the path of a bus. 570 00:32:46,937 --> 00:32:51,977 Blood, artery gush, burst, court case, murder, disaster. 571 00:32:51,977 --> 00:32:54,297 Bicycles, therefore, need to be louder. 572 00:32:59,257 --> 00:33:01,057 ENGINE ROARS 573 00:33:03,177 --> 00:33:08,217 What I have done is attached to the back of this bike a jet engine. 574 00:33:10,857 --> 00:33:14,417 And now pedestrians can definitely hear me coming. 575 00:33:14,417 --> 00:33:16,737 And so can other motorists. 576 00:33:16,737 --> 00:33:20,137 And people in subterranean caves in other countries. 577 00:33:21,977 --> 00:33:26,257 Even the profoundly deaf would know I was on my way, 578 00:33:26,257 --> 00:33:28,897 they would feel a disturbance in the force. 579 00:33:32,617 --> 00:33:34,937 Of course, another advantage is, you don't 580 00:33:34,937 --> 00:33:37,417 have to do any of that annoying pedalling. 581 00:33:37,417 --> 00:33:43,577 Again my genius is staggering me, it really is. 582 00:33:43,577 --> 00:33:45,857 Oh, dear, I am out of fuel. 583 00:33:47,577 --> 00:33:50,217 I have run out of fuel. 584 00:33:50,217 --> 00:33:51,737 That is what's happened now. 585 00:33:52,857 --> 00:33:54,297 Damn. 586 00:33:57,217 --> 00:34:00,577 Think of it, really, as a hybrid. 587 00:34:00,577 --> 00:34:01,897 There we go. 588 00:34:03,137 --> 00:34:07,497 'For the rest of the day, we tried all sorts of other ideas.' 589 00:34:07,497 --> 00:34:08,537 Here we go. 590 00:34:10,857 --> 00:34:13,257 Ooh! 591 00:34:17,617 --> 00:34:21,217 What's it supposed to be? It's a cyclist after an accident. 592 00:34:22,337 --> 00:34:24,817 I couldn't use an actual cyclist, could I? 593 00:34:24,817 --> 00:34:29,137 So for example, the double mini-roundabout, OK? 594 00:34:29,137 --> 00:34:33,017 So you come round here, then it is your right of way going up here. 595 00:34:33,017 --> 00:34:34,977 But... Action! 596 00:34:37,137 --> 00:34:38,617 HE SCREAMS 597 00:34:40,417 --> 00:34:43,737 'After a great deal of extremely hard work, we ended up with 598 00:34:43,737 --> 00:34:46,697 'a couple of films that we could take to our panel of experts.' 599 00:34:46,697 --> 00:34:49,177 Before we show them to you, let me say, 600 00:34:49,177 --> 00:34:52,497 do you remember the early public information films from our youth? 601 00:34:52,497 --> 00:34:56,137 I do. They always picked on some very specific detail. 602 00:34:56,137 --> 00:34:58,697 Don't put a rug on a polished floor or don't fish under 603 00:34:58,697 --> 00:35:01,257 power lines. They were very tight. 604 00:35:01,257 --> 00:35:04,897 And so, we have tried to focus on very specific details 605 00:35:04,897 --> 00:35:11,097 of cycling that we experience. We hope that erm... 606 00:35:11,097 --> 00:35:13,977 This one first? Yes, I think that's... OK. 607 00:35:18,497 --> 00:35:22,777 'Cut the green wire. For God's sake, do not cut the red wire. 608 00:35:22,777 --> 00:35:26,217 'It is imperative to cut the green wire.' 609 00:35:42,497 --> 00:35:45,297 Well, I mean... I'm not sure we're getting anywhere here... 610 00:35:45,297 --> 00:35:47,097 What are you trying to achieve with that? 611 00:35:47,097 --> 00:35:49,417 Cyclists jump red lights, we know this. 612 00:35:49,417 --> 00:35:50,937 Everybody has seen that happen. 613 00:35:50,937 --> 00:35:53,657 It is what annoys people most about bicycles. 614 00:35:53,657 --> 00:35:56,337 This is making the roads a happier place because cyclists 615 00:35:56,337 --> 00:35:59,337 wait like they are supposed to, car drivers aren't infuriated. 616 00:35:59,337 --> 00:36:02,777 And cyclists don't get knocked off or indeed blown up. 617 00:36:02,777 --> 00:36:05,457 You didn't listen to what we said, did you? 618 00:36:05,457 --> 00:36:08,217 You said we had to make the roads a more harmonious place. 619 00:36:08,217 --> 00:36:10,897 Exploding cyclists doesn't really get that message across. 620 00:36:10,897 --> 00:36:14,577 You're really trying to waste our time today because that is way off. 621 00:36:14,577 --> 00:36:17,737 What, you want them to jump red lights? No, we don't. 622 00:36:17,737 --> 00:36:20,537 I'm talking about that commercial, it is absolutely wrong. 623 00:36:20,537 --> 00:36:24,977 Well, let's try... Yes. Yes, please. 624 00:36:24,977 --> 00:36:28,177 This may be more to your taste then, I think. 625 00:36:28,177 --> 00:36:32,817 'I have a dream. That all men are created equal. 626 00:36:34,257 --> 00:36:35,937 'Dr Martin Luther King was shot 627 00:36:35,937 --> 00:36:38,737 'and killed on the balcony of his motel in Memphis.' 628 00:36:40,377 --> 00:36:43,217 ♪ Imagine there's no heaven... ♪ 629 00:36:43,217 --> 00:36:47,097 'The former Beatle, John Lennon, has been shot and killed in New York.' 630 00:36:47,097 --> 00:36:49,737 ♪ It's easy if you try... ♪ 631 00:36:51,177 --> 00:36:54,257 'The righteousness of Jesus Christ. 632 00:36:54,257 --> 00:36:57,097 'Jesus died on the cross for our sins.' 633 00:37:07,137 --> 00:37:09,297 So this is a no, isn't it? 634 00:37:14,817 --> 00:37:17,937 'And with that, it was back to the studio.' 635 00:37:17,937 --> 00:37:21,417 APPLAUSE 636 00:37:23,817 --> 00:37:31,257 So... There is no way... Come on. No. So, you two completely cocked it up. 637 00:37:31,257 --> 00:37:34,937 I don't know what was wrong with my jet bike. 638 00:37:34,937 --> 00:37:37,697 Well, it was a motor on a bicycle 639 00:37:37,697 --> 00:37:41,017 and therefore it was a "motor" cycle. 640 00:37:41,017 --> 00:37:44,657 It wasn't a motorcycle, it was superb. How fast did it go? 641 00:37:44,657 --> 00:37:47,697 At one point I was clocked at 73mph. 642 00:37:47,697 --> 00:37:50,697 Yes, that does sound like the top speed of a motorbike. 643 00:37:50,697 --> 00:37:53,097 He is right, you know. Thank you. He isn't right. 644 00:37:53,097 --> 00:37:57,217 And anyway, listen, eventually we did come up with a film which 645 00:37:57,217 --> 00:37:59,937 we think will keep that panel of experts happy. 646 00:38:01,337 --> 00:38:04,897 Because, in essence, it makes everybody happy 647 00:38:04,897 --> 00:38:07,537 and gooey with everybody else. 648 00:38:07,537 --> 00:38:08,897 Here we go, let's have a watch. 649 00:38:08,897 --> 00:38:14,217 'Cyclists get wet, cold and tired. 650 00:38:14,217 --> 00:38:16,937 'They turn up for work with revolting armpits. 651 00:38:18,097 --> 00:38:22,057 'Their clothes are hideous, and to prevent boils and sores, 652 00:38:22,057 --> 00:38:24,297 'they have to put gel on their buttocks. 653 00:38:25,817 --> 00:38:29,617 'However, because three-quarters of a million people are prepared 654 00:38:29,617 --> 00:38:34,057 'to go through this misery every day, there are fewer traffic jams. 655 00:38:34,057 --> 00:38:35,977 'The roads are quieter 656 00:38:35,977 --> 00:38:38,857 'which is good news... 657 00:38:38,857 --> 00:38:40,857 'for normal people. 658 00:38:43,977 --> 00:38:50,017 'Cyclists. Give them an inch because they have given YOU a mile.' 659 00:38:50,017 --> 00:38:52,337 APPLAUSE 660 00:38:55,057 --> 00:39:00,097 No, an inch? They need 6ft. 661 00:39:00,097 --> 00:39:02,897 No, Hammond, it is a figure of speech, you idiot. 662 00:39:02,897 --> 00:39:06,737 I couldn't say, you know, give them 1.85m, that is ridiculous. 663 00:39:06,737 --> 00:39:09,817 The fact is, we have solved cycling. 664 00:39:09,817 --> 00:39:12,737 If people weren't watching Call The Midwife on the other side 665 00:39:12,737 --> 00:39:15,337 tonight, there would be no more cycling-related accidents. 666 00:39:15,337 --> 00:39:17,057 So, you're saying, 667 00:39:17,057 --> 00:39:21,657 watching Call The Midwife is now socially irresponsible? Yes. It is. 668 00:39:21,657 --> 00:39:23,777 And it is morally wrong. Exactly. 669 00:39:24,937 --> 00:39:28,697 Anyway, it is time to put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car. 670 00:39:28,697 --> 00:39:31,577 And we are going to do something incredible. 671 00:39:31,577 --> 00:39:32,937 For the next few minutes, 672 00:39:32,937 --> 00:39:36,457 we are going to stop your teenage daughter from texting. 673 00:39:36,457 --> 00:39:39,177 And that's because my guest tonight played 674 00:39:39,177 --> 00:39:41,017 Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad. 675 00:39:41,017 --> 00:39:43,257 CHEERING AND SQUEALING 676 00:39:43,257 --> 00:39:46,257 Stopped already! Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Paul! 677 00:39:46,257 --> 00:39:49,097 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 678 00:39:50,257 --> 00:39:52,337 He's here. 679 00:39:52,337 --> 00:39:55,977 How are you? What's up, buddy? How are you? I'm good, I'm good. 680 00:39:55,977 --> 00:39:57,577 Hi. 681 00:40:00,097 --> 00:40:04,697 I love them. Yes, this is a big noise. Have a seat. 682 00:40:04,697 --> 00:40:07,417 All right. Have a seat. 683 00:40:07,417 --> 00:40:10,937 It is strange to have on a guest from a show that was 684 00:40:10,937 --> 00:40:13,297 never on British TV... Yeah. 685 00:40:13,297 --> 00:40:16,577 ..who is now in a film that isn't even out yet. Yeah. 686 00:40:16,577 --> 00:40:19,897 Everyone is screaming and yelling. I love you all. 687 00:40:19,897 --> 00:40:22,537 AUDIENCE: We love you! 688 00:40:22,537 --> 00:40:26,937 Let's do the film, if we may. It is Need For Speed. Need For Speed. 689 00:40:26,937 --> 00:40:30,857 It is the story of Tobey Marshall, the guy I play. 690 00:40:30,857 --> 00:40:34,657 He spends a couple of years in prison for something that he did not do, 691 00:40:34,657 --> 00:40:38,177 so the moment he gets out of prison it's just... 692 00:40:38,177 --> 00:40:41,097 He is trying to right a wrong, vengeance is on his mind. 693 00:40:41,097 --> 00:40:44,257 He has to try and get from the East Coast to the West Coast 694 00:40:44,257 --> 00:40:47,537 in less than 48 hours in a car, a very fast car. 695 00:40:47,537 --> 00:40:50,377 What sort of car? It is a Shelby Mustang. 696 00:40:50,377 --> 00:40:53,657 Shelby Mustang? Yeah. Well, it can be quite fast, nice straight line. 697 00:40:53,657 --> 00:40:55,937 You should be able to do that. 698 00:40:55,937 --> 00:40:59,057 So it sounds like it has got Top Gear written all over it. 699 00:40:59,057 --> 00:41:01,457 Yeah, he wanted to do a throwback, our director, 700 00:41:01,457 --> 00:41:05,297 to films that really started this genre. 701 00:41:05,297 --> 00:41:08,977 Like Bullitt and Vanishing Point and Smokey And The Bandit. 702 00:41:08,977 --> 00:41:13,257 Back then they couldn't rely on CG, they couldn't rely on green screen 703 00:41:13,257 --> 00:41:17,257 so everything you see in this movie actually happened. 704 00:41:17,257 --> 00:41:20,697 There is no CGI? No CG whatsoever. Seriously? Yeah. 705 00:41:20,697 --> 00:41:22,097 Let's have a look at a clip 706 00:41:22,097 --> 00:41:25,097 and you will see why I am looking incredulous. Here we go. 707 00:41:26,377 --> 00:41:28,817 'They took everything from me. 708 00:41:38,737 --> 00:41:40,457 'All those who defied me... 709 00:41:41,457 --> 00:41:46,017 '..shall be ashamed and disgraced. 710 00:41:47,657 --> 00:41:52,617 'Those who wage war against me... shall perish. 711 00:41:55,337 --> 00:41:57,577 'I will find strength... 712 00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:04,137 '..find guidance. And I...will...triumph.' 713 00:42:15,617 --> 00:42:17,817 APPLAUSE 714 00:42:17,817 --> 00:42:22,497 That was all for real? Yeah, it's... It gets pretty violent. 715 00:42:22,497 --> 00:42:24,977 So it really did do a roll? 716 00:42:24,977 --> 00:42:26,377 They actually did those, yes. 717 00:42:26,377 --> 00:42:29,537 I presume these are body shells, they are not actual... No, no, no. 718 00:42:29,537 --> 00:42:32,577 ..million dollar cars? 719 00:42:32,577 --> 00:42:36,377 We consider those cars a piece of art. 720 00:42:36,377 --> 00:42:40,057 But the kit cars they built were about 300,000 a piece 721 00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:41,577 and they just destroyed them. 722 00:42:41,577 --> 00:42:43,977 That is unbelievable but forgive me, 723 00:42:43,977 --> 00:42:45,857 I have got to get on to Breaking Bad. 724 00:42:45,857 --> 00:42:47,257 Yes. 725 00:42:47,257 --> 00:42:49,857 CHEERING Thank you. 726 00:42:49,857 --> 00:42:52,697 There's quite a few puzzled faces going, "What is Breaking Bad?" 727 00:42:52,697 --> 00:42:56,137 "What is Breaking Bad?" This is Jesse Pinkman. 728 00:42:56,137 --> 00:42:57,577 As far as I am concerned, 729 00:42:57,577 --> 00:43:00,737 I am now talking to the world's greatest crystal meth salesman. 730 00:43:00,737 --> 00:43:02,817 Yes. LAUGHTER 731 00:43:02,817 --> 00:43:03,977 For those who don't know, 732 00:43:03,977 --> 00:43:06,377 it was about a chemistry teacher who meets a delinquent, 733 00:43:06,377 --> 00:43:09,857 an ex-pupil. He's got this guy, he has been diagnosed with cancer 734 00:43:09,857 --> 00:43:13,017 and he thinks, "To pay for my treatment I will start making 735 00:43:13,017 --> 00:43:15,417 "crystal meth cos I am a chemistry teacher." 736 00:43:15,417 --> 00:43:17,177 And the series runs from there. 737 00:43:17,177 --> 00:43:21,537 We don't really have crystal meth in this country. That's great. 738 00:43:21,537 --> 00:43:25,177 What is crystal meth, do you know what it is? No, not really. 739 00:43:25,177 --> 00:43:27,617 I have been making it for the past six years 740 00:43:27,617 --> 00:43:30,777 and I have no idea what it is. No, it is just a terrible, awful drug. 741 00:43:30,777 --> 00:43:34,377 It just grabs a hold of some people and just doesn't let go. 742 00:43:34,377 --> 00:43:37,297 Do you know what I loved about the show? It is the detailing in it. 743 00:43:37,297 --> 00:43:42,457 And the cars you all drove. Yes, they are incredible. Who chose those? 744 00:43:42,457 --> 00:43:44,497 It was all Vince Gilligan. 745 00:43:44,497 --> 00:43:46,017 He is the creator of the show, 746 00:43:46,017 --> 00:43:48,777 his attention to detail is just incredible. 747 00:43:48,777 --> 00:43:55,057 There is this famous conversation he had for two hours about the certain 748 00:43:55,057 --> 00:43:58,897 colour of red nail polish that was going to go on Skyler's toenails. 749 00:43:58,897 --> 00:44:01,857 He was going to get the cars right because Walter, 750 00:44:01,857 --> 00:44:05,377 who is the chemistry teacher, has a Pontiac Aztek. Yes. 751 00:44:05,377 --> 00:44:08,417 Never been sold here but it was probably the worst car. 752 00:44:09,497 --> 00:44:14,497 It is just such a sad car. Look at it. Look at that, it is just so sad. 753 00:44:14,497 --> 00:44:18,097 It is a sign that your life has gone terribly, terribly wrong. 754 00:44:19,697 --> 00:44:21,457 It was interesting with you 755 00:44:21,457 --> 00:44:24,937 because you started out with a Chevy Monte Carlo, wasn't it? Yes. 756 00:44:24,937 --> 00:44:26,177 When you were a delinquent. 757 00:44:26,177 --> 00:44:28,297 But when you became more and more successful, 758 00:44:28,297 --> 00:44:29,817 switched to the Toyota Tercel. 759 00:44:29,817 --> 00:44:31,017 Look at that. 760 00:44:31,017 --> 00:44:33,617 I actually wanted that car so bad when we wrapped. 761 00:44:33,617 --> 00:44:39,137 Were you able to keep it? No, they didn't allow me to take it. Why not? 762 00:44:39,137 --> 00:44:40,577 It is worth 32. 763 00:44:41,897 --> 00:44:44,897 That is shocking, but it is that attention to detail which 764 00:44:44,897 --> 00:44:48,017 I absolutely adored, I really did. 765 00:44:48,017 --> 00:44:51,577 Now, more questions about Breaking Bad, which fascinates me. 766 00:44:51,577 --> 00:44:56,897 About American television. We know that US networks, they are brutal. 767 00:44:56,897 --> 00:44:58,537 One minute... 768 00:44:58,537 --> 00:45:01,537 LAUGHTER 769 00:45:01,537 --> 00:45:06,017 You've got a chat show... Um... LAUGHTER 770 00:45:07,417 --> 00:45:11,297 Who are you talking about? Did you know Piers Morgan? Oh, yeah! Yeah. 771 00:45:11,297 --> 00:45:13,337 I had a feeling you were talking about him. 772 00:45:13,337 --> 00:45:16,137 Where I was going, really - you have got these US networks, 773 00:45:16,137 --> 00:45:20,057 presumably Breaking Bad was only ever going to be one series. 774 00:45:20,057 --> 00:45:23,137 They would have only commissioned one, to see how it works? Yeah. 775 00:45:23,137 --> 00:45:28,897 Every network passed on Breaking Bad initially. HBO Showtime, everyone. 776 00:45:28,897 --> 00:45:32,497 And then AMC decided to give it a shot. With one series? 777 00:45:32,497 --> 00:45:37,337 With one pilot. And then they had to see how that was, how it turned out. 778 00:45:37,337 --> 00:45:42,017 I mean, we were lucky we even stayed on the air because our ratings 779 00:45:42,017 --> 00:45:45,177 weren't that great. But the critics loved us. So... 780 00:45:45,177 --> 00:45:47,457 No, it was very clever. Absolutely brilliant. 781 00:45:47,457 --> 00:45:51,297 Thank you. Now, your cars in real life - not a Toyota Tercel? 782 00:45:51,297 --> 00:45:53,057 You started out with a Toyota, I believe? 783 00:45:53,057 --> 00:45:58,737 I did, I started out with an '82 Toyota Corolla. Mm-mm(!) Yeah. 784 00:45:58,737 --> 00:46:01,657 It was beautiful. Was it(?) Faded gold. 785 00:46:01,657 --> 00:46:03,737 Any time it rained, 786 00:46:03,737 --> 00:46:06,057 the trunk would fill up with water, stick shift. 787 00:46:06,057 --> 00:46:07,657 But I loved that car. Stick shift 788 00:46:07,657 --> 00:46:12,377 And I bought a Toyota Forerunner. It's getting worse. 789 00:46:13,817 --> 00:46:17,777 And then I bought an old classic car. OK, which is? 790 00:46:17,777 --> 00:46:20,817 A '65 Shelby Cobra. 791 00:46:20,817 --> 00:46:22,097 Really? Oh! 792 00:46:24,497 --> 00:46:27,697 We could have... You know, you see... The Shelby Cobra... 793 00:46:27,697 --> 00:46:32,417 Oh, there it is. That is actually... that is you in it! That is my car. 794 00:46:32,417 --> 00:46:36,137 I only take it... It is my weekend car, I take it along the coast. 795 00:46:36,137 --> 00:46:40,217 But if you are driving in a parking lot, it sets off the alarms. 796 00:46:40,217 --> 00:46:42,457 I love doing that. It's great. It's fantastic. 797 00:46:42,457 --> 00:46:44,337 They are absolutely fabulous. 798 00:46:44,337 --> 00:46:46,297 My daughter is going to be mental now, 799 00:46:46,297 --> 00:46:49,457 because that is her favourite car and her favourite actor driving it. 800 00:46:49,457 --> 00:46:51,337 I love your daughter. Yeah. 801 00:46:51,337 --> 00:46:53,217 No, you don't. Um... 802 00:46:53,217 --> 00:46:56,337 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 803 00:46:56,337 --> 00:46:59,817 Right, now. Obviously you came down here... 804 00:46:59,817 --> 00:47:01,297 This is ballsy, I've got to say, 805 00:47:01,297 --> 00:47:06,577 because you have come down here to do your lap, which is quite brave. 806 00:47:06,577 --> 00:47:09,977 Yeah. Let's see how I did. I mean, I don't know. It was fun. 807 00:47:09,977 --> 00:47:12,177 Shall we have a look at the lap? Oh, God! 808 00:47:12,177 --> 00:47:14,737 AUDIENCE: Yeah. Here we go. 809 00:47:14,737 --> 00:47:15,777 ENGINE SCREAMS 810 00:47:15,777 --> 00:47:16,977 TYRES SCREECH 811 00:47:16,977 --> 00:47:19,737 Wow, that is a brutal start. 812 00:47:19,737 --> 00:47:21,857 All right, I just don't want to get last. 813 00:47:22,857 --> 00:47:27,937 Setting high goals for myself. Not to get last. 814 00:47:27,937 --> 00:47:30,817 No, it's OK, because for the first time ever this year, 815 00:47:30,817 --> 00:47:33,377 the weather is good. 816 00:47:33,377 --> 00:47:34,857 TYRES SCREECH 817 00:47:34,857 --> 00:47:38,457 That thing does grip well. Here we go. Yeah. 818 00:47:38,457 --> 00:47:41,337 It's OK, it's OK. Yeah. 819 00:47:42,457 --> 00:47:46,017 Come on. Tongue out. 820 00:47:47,257 --> 00:47:50,977 Oh, that is a very good line around there. Thank you. 821 00:47:50,977 --> 00:47:56,057 Very nice. The dreaded Hammerhead, I hate this turn. 822 00:47:56,057 --> 00:47:58,297 OK, OK... 823 00:47:59,377 --> 00:48:02,897 That is heavy braking you are giving it there! Yeah. Well, you know. 824 00:48:02,897 --> 00:48:06,017 Oh, that is very, very neat and tidy. 825 00:48:07,377 --> 00:48:08,857 Come on, you... 826 00:48:11,217 --> 00:48:12,377 ..bitch! 827 00:48:12,377 --> 00:48:14,817 LAUGHTER We knew it! 828 00:48:14,817 --> 00:48:18,337 No way were you going to get round the lap without saying THAT! 829 00:48:21,777 --> 00:48:26,297 Ooh, the comfortable line, missing the apex. 830 00:48:26,297 --> 00:48:28,497 Second-to-last corner, this catches... 831 00:48:28,497 --> 00:48:31,177 Well, that was absolutely bob on. 832 00:48:31,177 --> 00:48:35,297 Now, Gambon, again kissing everything perfectly 833 00:48:35,297 --> 00:48:36,737 and you cross the line! 834 00:48:36,737 --> 00:48:38,817 CHEERING 835 00:48:38,817 --> 00:48:43,417 Ah-h-h... Well, now. 836 00:48:45,217 --> 00:48:46,337 These are the wet times. 837 00:48:46,337 --> 00:48:49,017 You will not be last, because Jack Whitehall, bless him, 838 00:48:49,017 --> 00:48:52,377 he had never driven before. So you will not be lower than him. 839 00:48:52,377 --> 00:48:56,377 OK, good. So, where do you think you came? I have no idea. 840 00:48:56,377 --> 00:49:01,737 I want to be above James Blunt. James Blunt was 1.49.4. 841 00:49:01,737 --> 00:49:04,857 That is FW, which stands for flipping wet. 842 00:49:04,857 --> 00:49:06,817 So you are definitely going to the above him. 843 00:49:06,817 --> 00:49:08,017 So come on, be reasonable. 844 00:49:08,017 --> 00:49:10,857 I mean, I would like to be towards the top, but... 845 00:49:10,857 --> 00:49:14,097 That is the 1.45 region. Yeah. I mean, I don't know... 846 00:49:14,097 --> 00:49:15,617 Do you know, I was just about to say, 847 00:49:15,617 --> 00:49:17,497 "Well, Jesse Pinkman..." But I won't. 848 00:49:18,857 --> 00:49:21,017 Aaron Paul. Yes. 1... 849 00:49:21,017 --> 00:49:22,537 forty... 850 00:49:27,977 --> 00:49:29,657 ..4... AUDIENCE: Ooh! 851 00:49:29,657 --> 00:49:31,297 Oh! ..7. 852 00:49:32,297 --> 00:49:34,177 That is the best we've ever had! 853 00:49:34,177 --> 00:49:36,977 CHEERING Number one. 854 00:49:36,977 --> 00:49:39,577 Come here. Yes! Wow! 855 00:49:39,577 --> 00:49:43,417 That's good. Good man. Yes! 856 00:49:43,417 --> 00:49:46,737 The fastest man ever to take the Astra around the track. 857 00:49:46,737 --> 00:49:50,297 That's amazing. Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Paul! 858 00:49:50,297 --> 00:49:52,017 CHEERING 859 00:49:54,817 --> 00:49:59,057 Now, that is going to take some beating! 860 00:49:59,057 --> 00:50:03,857 This is the ã650,000 Porsche 918. 861 00:50:03,857 --> 00:50:05,577 It is insanely fast. 862 00:50:05,577 --> 00:50:10,697 It's rammed full of technology and most importantly, it is a hybrid. 863 00:50:10,697 --> 00:50:14,377 In many ways, then, exactly the same as the McLaren P1 that Jeremy 864 00:50:14,377 --> 00:50:17,057 fell in love with a few weeks back. 865 00:50:17,057 --> 00:50:20,257 The big question, though... Is it any good? 866 00:50:20,257 --> 00:50:22,817 No! LAUGHTER 867 00:50:28,657 --> 00:50:34,137 When Jeremy tested the P1, he took it to the Spa racetrack in Belgium. 868 00:50:34,137 --> 00:50:37,857 My F1 track may not have that pedigree, 869 00:50:37,857 --> 00:50:42,777 but at this place, at least the fun doesn't stop when the sun goes down. 870 00:51:15,097 --> 00:51:19,697 The Abu Dhabi circuit is also famed for having a 1.2km straight, 871 00:51:19,697 --> 00:51:22,097 one of the longest anywhere. 872 00:51:22,097 --> 00:51:25,257 Seems like a good place to start. 873 00:51:25,257 --> 00:51:27,097 Let's make some noise. 874 00:51:27,097 --> 00:51:29,017 ENGINE ROARS TYRES SCREECH 875 00:51:30,017 --> 00:51:31,537 Oh, that is breathtaking! 876 00:51:39,777 --> 00:51:41,097 Oh, ha-ha-ha! 877 00:51:43,417 --> 00:51:45,097 9,000rpm. 878 00:51:45,097 --> 00:51:46,697 Boom! 879 00:51:49,417 --> 00:51:51,537 Yee-nar! 880 00:51:51,537 --> 00:51:53,297 Big speed! 881 00:51:53,297 --> 00:51:54,817 280. 882 00:51:57,297 --> 00:51:58,537 Braking... 883 00:52:00,257 --> 00:52:04,017 Oh, that is... That is acceleration unlike anything else. 884 00:52:04,017 --> 00:52:07,857 I know Jeremy's head was blown off by the speed of that P1, 885 00:52:07,857 --> 00:52:13,577 but I absolutely cannot believe that it felt any faster than this. 886 00:52:13,577 --> 00:52:14,937 It can't have done. 887 00:52:19,257 --> 00:52:23,977 'Like the McLaren, the 918 has a joint strike force of petrol engine 888 00:52:23,977 --> 00:52:26,737 'and electric motors working together.' 889 00:52:28,857 --> 00:52:33,937 It's that electric power that gives it so much punch off the line. 890 00:52:35,297 --> 00:52:40,417 I have 500 foot-pound of torque at 800rpm. 800! 891 00:52:40,417 --> 00:52:43,977 The 458 doesn't have 500 torques at any rpm. 892 00:52:45,297 --> 00:52:47,657 It just wakes up, it's like a sprinter falling out of bed 893 00:52:47,657 --> 00:52:49,977 and going straight into a world record 894 00:52:49,977 --> 00:52:52,217 while the others are eating cornflakes 895 00:52:52,217 --> 00:52:54,057 and thinking about having a poo. 896 00:52:54,057 --> 00:52:57,577 'The petrol engine, which sounds ungodly through those 897 00:52:57,577 --> 00:53:00,377 'top-mounted exhausts, 898 00:53:00,377 --> 00:53:05,257 'is a 612 horsepower 4.6 litre V8.' 899 00:53:10,097 --> 00:53:13,177 On the topic of power and performance, 900 00:53:13,177 --> 00:53:17,017 the 918 and the P1 can trade punches all day long. 901 00:53:20,977 --> 00:53:26,657 The 918 can't match the P1's top speed, 218 compared to 211. 902 00:53:29,457 --> 00:53:36,057 'But I get to 60 quicker. 2.6 seconds to his sluggish 2.8.' 903 00:53:36,057 --> 00:53:42,097 I've got 875 brake horsepower and the P1 has 903, but I've got more torque. 904 00:53:46,097 --> 00:53:49,937 And on and on and on it goes. It's King Kong versus Godzilla. 905 00:54:00,937 --> 00:54:03,697 'There are some areas, though, 906 00:54:03,697 --> 00:54:08,097 'where the 918 definitely has the P1 on the ropes. 907 00:54:08,097 --> 00:54:11,057 'It can retrieve energy generated by braking 908 00:54:11,057 --> 00:54:14,017 'and feed it back into the batteries. 909 00:54:14,017 --> 00:54:18,817 'The roof lifts out so you can enjoy some open-top cruising. 910 00:54:18,817 --> 00:54:22,817 'And inside, you get some actual creature comforts, 911 00:54:22,817 --> 00:54:27,137 'like electric seats and an 11-speaker sound system. 912 00:54:27,137 --> 00:54:30,497 'You don't get either of those on a P1.' 913 00:54:30,497 --> 00:54:34,537 I am not one to gloat, but hello, glove box, yeah? 914 00:54:34,537 --> 00:54:38,177 And then this centre console, from where I can control the top screen. 915 00:54:38,177 --> 00:54:40,857 That does many things up there. 916 00:54:40,857 --> 00:54:43,577 And then over 800 functions can be controlled 917 00:54:43,577 --> 00:54:46,297 from the touch-sensitive screen down here. 918 00:54:46,297 --> 00:54:47,617 Maybe I can go online 919 00:54:47,617 --> 00:54:51,737 and order Jeremy a set of spanners to adjust the seat on his P1. 920 00:54:51,737 --> 00:54:53,737 Look up "old-fashioned" for me. 921 00:54:57,577 --> 00:55:00,737 'In addition to the wealth of on-board amusements, 922 00:55:00,737 --> 00:55:04,497 'the 918 also has many driving modes.' 923 00:55:05,497 --> 00:55:08,097 Right now, I am in fully electric mode. 924 00:55:10,497 --> 00:55:13,257 And I can whisper around like this for 18 miles, 925 00:55:13,257 --> 00:55:16,697 compared to the P1's seven. 926 00:55:16,697 --> 00:55:19,617 But if I go down here, I can select hybrid. 927 00:55:20,937 --> 00:55:23,537 And that allows it to alternate between petrol 928 00:55:23,537 --> 00:55:26,217 and electric in the most efficient way. 929 00:55:26,217 --> 00:55:31,977 Or we've got sport mode, where we have petrol power all the time. 930 00:55:31,977 --> 00:55:35,977 But, I'm here on this racetrack, so let's go one further. 931 00:55:35,977 --> 00:55:37,417 Put it in race mode. 932 00:55:42,177 --> 00:55:44,697 'Now the petrol engine is top dog. 933 00:55:44,697 --> 00:55:47,377 'The electric motors are acting as its wingmen.' 934 00:55:48,817 --> 00:55:50,937 It's time to attack some corners. 935 00:55:57,537 --> 00:55:58,617 Hell's bells! 936 00:56:02,297 --> 00:56:03,577 That grip! 937 00:56:09,217 --> 00:56:13,137 God, this thing corners - and I mean it - flat! 938 00:56:13,137 --> 00:56:14,377 Totally flat. 939 00:56:19,097 --> 00:56:21,937 And there is none of that bottom-clenching terror Jeremy 940 00:56:21,937 --> 00:56:23,497 talked about in the P1. 941 00:56:28,617 --> 00:56:32,057 'Partly, that is because where the P1 is rear drive only, 942 00:56:32,057 --> 00:56:37,497 'the 918 has four-wheel-drive and four-wheel steering.' 943 00:56:40,817 --> 00:56:42,217 I think in essence yes, 944 00:56:42,217 --> 00:56:46,457 the P1 is more a proper fighter pilot, seat-of-the-pants staff. 945 00:56:46,457 --> 00:56:48,977 This is altogether more civilised. 946 00:56:48,977 --> 00:56:52,337 But that does not mean it's boring, because it just isn't. 947 00:56:56,177 --> 00:57:01,257 The back end crates away like a rear-wheel-drive car. 948 00:57:01,257 --> 00:57:02,697 Ha-ha-ha! 949 00:57:05,457 --> 00:57:06,977 What a thing! 950 00:57:14,497 --> 00:57:19,097 'But even though the 918 is more grown-up than the P1, 951 00:57:19,097 --> 00:57:22,657 'it can still boast some pretty exciting achievements.' 952 00:57:24,657 --> 00:57:25,937 The fact is, 953 00:57:25,937 --> 00:57:30,497 this car has lapped the Nurburgring in 6 minutes 57 seconds. 954 00:57:30,497 --> 00:57:33,977 That is faster than any other road-legal production car. 955 00:57:33,977 --> 00:57:35,417 To put it into context, 956 00:57:35,417 --> 00:57:40,417 a hard-core Lexus LFA did it in 7 minutes 14 seconds. 957 00:57:40,417 --> 00:57:44,777 The mighty Nissan GTR was almost half a minute slower. 958 00:57:44,777 --> 00:57:48,497 As for the P1, McLaren are saying it has gone round in under 959 00:57:48,497 --> 00:57:52,457 seven minutes, but they're not saying an actual time. 960 00:57:53,977 --> 00:57:57,417 I don't know, maybe they lost the piece of paper it was written on. 961 00:57:57,417 --> 00:57:58,457 Or something. 962 00:58:15,737 --> 00:58:19,177 'With daylight coming, I locked up, 963 00:58:19,177 --> 00:58:21,737 'left the keys to the circuit under the mat 964 00:58:21,737 --> 00:58:23,737 'and went in search of breakfast. 965 00:58:26,257 --> 00:58:30,937 'Full of awe for this incredible machine.' 966 00:58:30,937 --> 00:58:36,257 Here I am with 875bhp, a 4.6 litre V8 that sounds... 967 00:58:36,257 --> 00:58:37,377 ENGINE ROARS 968 00:58:37,377 --> 00:58:38,697 ..like that. 969 00:58:38,697 --> 00:58:42,977 And yet the CO2 emissions are lower than a Toyota Prius. 970 00:58:42,977 --> 00:58:46,017 And certainly, much lower than a P1. 971 00:58:46,017 --> 00:58:50,737 I don't know, this is just all round a more impressive achievement. 972 00:58:50,737 --> 00:58:52,817 It is more of its time. 973 00:58:52,817 --> 00:58:54,297 To put it another way, 974 00:58:54,297 --> 00:58:59,697 McLaren have used hybrid technology to liven up a supercar today. 975 00:58:59,697 --> 00:59:04,817 Porsche have used hybrid technology to save the supercar for tomorrow. 976 00:59:06,697 --> 00:59:08,177 This is an important car. 977 00:59:13,737 --> 00:59:16,417 CHEERING 978 00:59:16,417 --> 00:59:17,617 Oh, yeah. 979 00:59:17,617 --> 00:59:21,937 There it is. I'm amazed it didn't catch fire. Shut up. 980 00:59:21,937 --> 00:59:24,297 Never mind that. Now, listen, Hammond. 981 00:59:24,297 --> 00:59:28,817 In that film, you said there is none of the bottom-clenching terror 982 00:59:28,817 --> 00:59:32,097 when you drive this that you get in a McLaren P1. How do you know? 983 00:59:32,097 --> 00:59:34,657 You haven't driven a McLaren P1. 984 00:59:34,657 --> 00:59:37,497 I know that because after you had driven the McLaren P1, 985 00:59:37,497 --> 00:59:40,217 you said it was a day of bottom-clenching terror. 986 00:59:40,217 --> 00:59:41,857 I did, a bit. 987 00:59:41,857 --> 00:59:45,297 But I was driving in the pouring rain at Spa. 988 00:59:45,297 --> 00:59:47,777 You were in Abu Dhabi, bone dry, 989 00:59:47,777 --> 00:59:50,697 and with eight mile run-offs on all the corners. 990 00:59:50,697 --> 00:59:54,137 The fact is, the 918 can handle its power better. 991 00:59:54,137 --> 00:59:55,737 Its dribble of power. 992 00:59:55,737 --> 00:59:58,137 It has barely got enough to get out of its own way. 993 00:59:58,137 --> 01:00:01,417 And how do you know that? Because you haven't driven the Porsche. 994 01:00:01,417 --> 01:00:03,217 Because Porsche won't let me. 995 01:00:03,217 --> 01:00:06,537 Yes, because they know, Jennifer, you can't drive in a straight line. 996 01:00:06,537 --> 01:00:09,057 We've seen it. At least I didn't write a book about it. 997 01:00:09,057 --> 01:00:12,097 And try to milk the moment. Enough, enough, enough. 998 01:00:12,097 --> 01:00:14,737 Let me interrupt with the solution to all this. 999 01:00:14,737 --> 01:00:17,057 Because later on in the year, hopefully, we are 1000 01:00:17,057 --> 01:00:19,297 going to make a special Top Gear programme. 1001 01:00:19,297 --> 01:00:23,017 One in which Richard and Jennifer bring the Porsche 918 1002 01:00:23,017 --> 01:00:25,657 and the McLaren P1 down to our track 1003 01:00:25,657 --> 01:00:28,457 and we will see which is the fastest. 1004 01:00:28,457 --> 01:00:30,057 Should be quite good, actually. 1005 01:00:30,057 --> 01:00:31,897 Hopefully, we will be able to put together 1006 01:00:31,897 --> 01:00:33,457 June, July sometime, around then. 1007 01:00:33,457 --> 01:00:35,497 And it'll basically be England versus Germany. 1008 01:00:35,497 --> 01:00:39,937 But before then, in fact, starting next weekend, 1009 01:00:39,937 --> 01:00:44,977 we have our all-new, two-part, Top Gear Christmas special. 1010 01:00:44,977 --> 01:00:47,657 Yet, it is a bit late, we're sorry. A bit late, yes. 1011 01:00:47,657 --> 01:00:50,097 It's an Easter special. Whatever. 1012 01:00:50,097 --> 01:00:54,977 The three of us are told to build a bridge over the River Kwai. 1013 01:00:56,017 --> 01:00:58,897 But first, we have to get there. 1014 01:00:58,897 --> 01:01:04,377 And that means driving all the way across Burma in lorries that we 1015 01:01:04,377 --> 01:01:08,617 bought from the Internet unseen for a few hundred quid. 1016 01:01:10,217 --> 01:01:11,617 And on that BURMA-shell... 1017 01:01:11,617 --> 01:01:13,537 There it is. ..it's time to end. 1018 01:01:13,537 --> 01:01:16,057 Thank you so much for watching. Good night. 1019 01:01:16,057 --> 01:01:18,777 CHEERING