1
00:00:01,250 --> 00:00:04,452
Thank you so much for having us
over for brunch, guys.

2
00:00:04,486 --> 00:00:06,621
It's the least that we could do
to celebrate the one-week anniversary

3
00:00:06,656 --> 00:00:09,557
of your sister moving in with me
and becoming my live-in lover.

4
00:00:09,591 --> 00:00:10,724
Was a little fast.

5
00:00:10,759 --> 00:00:12,125
Babe, you have syrup on your face.

6
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:13,794
Oh, you can get it.
Mmm.

7
00:00:15,630 --> 00:00:16,964
Babe, you have some powdered sugar...

8
00:00:16,998 --> 00:00:18,498
(muffled): Back off! I'm starving!

9
00:00:18,533 --> 00:00:20,067
Come on. Just let me get it off.
It's so much.

10
00:00:20,101 --> 00:00:21,969
Get your own French toast, Jess!

11
00:00:22,003 --> 00:00:24,471
I got these slices,
so they're for me to eat.

12
00:00:24,505 --> 00:00:26,940
If you want the slices,
get your own slices.

13
00:00:26,974 --> 00:00:29,409
Coach: Um, that's
your fourth plate, Winston.

14
00:00:29,722 --> 00:00:31,444
I'm trying to bulk up
for the LAPD fitness exam.

15
00:00:31,478 --> 00:00:33,746
I am going to ace
this obstacle course.

16
00:00:33,781 --> 00:00:35,949
Schmidt, you got something crazy
around your neck.

17
00:00:35,983 --> 00:00:39,018
Abby made this. Look.
Ow. Look at that.

18
00:00:39,053 --> 00:00:41,320
- Not a fan.
- I forgot how much I love making jewelry.

19
00:00:41,354 --> 00:00:43,021
Schmidt's been lending me money
for supplies.

20
00:00:43,056 --> 00:00:45,423
- Yeah.
- Schmidt, are you bleeding?

21
00:00:45,458 --> 00:00:47,926
Oh, look at that.
I most certainly am. Wow.

22
00:00:47,961 --> 00:00:50,428
What makes Abby's jewelry
so interesting

23
00:00:50,463 --> 00:00:53,431
is that it's actually
dangerous and can cut you.

24
00:00:53,466 --> 00:00:55,200
Abby's gonna open up her own
store one day. Mark my words.

25
00:00:55,234 --> 00:00:56,534
- She shouldn't do that.
- Nope.

26
00:00:56,569 --> 00:00:58,769
I'm gonna open up
a store in your mouth.

27
00:00:58,804 --> 00:01:00,170
But now that you're living here,
I can have my old room back.

28
00:01:00,205 --> 00:01:02,640
Jess, I'm gonna need you gone by 5:00.

29
00:01:02,674 --> 00:01:06,376
- Done. I need a break from
Snore-a Ephron over here. - Okay.

30
00:01:06,411 --> 00:01:09,013
Oh, Schmidt and I don't need any space.
We have no boundaries.

31
00:01:09,047 --> 00:01:11,849
But I guess not everybody can
have what Schmidt and I have.

32
00:01:11,883 --> 00:01:13,617
You guys will probably get
there. Don't worry.

33
00:01:13,651 --> 00:01:15,184
Remember how long
it took you to get boobs?

34
00:01:15,219 --> 00:01:17,854
Yeah, but I started
shaving my legs at nine.

35
00:01:17,888 --> 00:01:20,957
So joke's on you.

36
00:01:20,992 --> 00:01:22,993
Mmm.

37
00:01:25,997 --> 00:01:28,364
Wait. We have so much sex.

38
00:01:28,398 --> 00:01:32,467
Don't try to eat the other
slice. I'm gonna get to it.

39
00:01:32,502 --> 00:01:34,703
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

40
00:01:34,738 --> 00:01:36,771
<i>♪ Who's that girl? ♪</i>
♪ It's Jess. ♪

41
00:01:36,829 --> 00:01:37,859
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com

42
00:01:38,474 --> 00:01:40,279
Can you believe Abby and Schmidt?

43
00:01:40,429 --> 00:01:43,746
Yeah, tell me about it. Making love
at their own brunch? No class.

44
00:01:43,780 --> 00:01:46,514
They're a fake couple. They're
not real. We're a real couple.

45
00:01:46,548 --> 00:01:48,516
If anyone should be moving
in together, it's us.

46
00:01:48,550 --> 00:01:50,184
Well, you know, we already live
in the same apartment.

47
00:01:50,218 --> 00:01:52,219
Right. So why not take
the extra step?

48
00:01:52,254 --> 00:01:54,555
We basically sleep in each
other's rooms every night,

49
00:01:54,589 --> 00:01:56,057
so what is the difference?

50
00:01:56,091 --> 00:01:57,424
It's a really big difference.

51
00:01:57,459 --> 00:01:59,426
Because right now we're roommates

52
00:01:59,461 --> 00:02:01,928
but we're not living together.
Not "living together."

53
00:02:01,963 --> 00:02:03,897
- You know?
- No.

54
00:02:03,994 --> 00:02:06,232
Living together is a step.
It's official.

55
00:02:06,267 --> 00:02:08,035
It's an official step
in a relationship.

56
00:02:08,069 --> 00:02:09,402
So the word "official" is the key.

57
00:02:09,436 --> 00:02:11,337
Abby and Schmidt did it
after one week.

58
00:02:11,372 --> 00:02:14,407
Come on. We have so much left
to learn about each other,

59
00:02:14,441 --> 00:02:16,576
stuff you can only learn
if you're crammed together

60
00:02:16,610 --> 00:02:19,045
in a small space
and you can't get out.

61
00:02:19,079 --> 00:02:20,913
Just you and me.
Four walls.

62
00:02:20,947 --> 00:02:22,514
No boundaries, no escape.

63
00:02:22,549 --> 00:02:24,516
When you put it like that,
it sounds amazing.

64
00:02:24,551 --> 00:02:26,518
- And like prison.
- Well, I feel like

65
00:02:26,553 --> 00:02:29,521
if we get tired of each other,
I can always run across the hall

66
00:02:29,556 --> 00:02:32,858
to my room. It's so close.
Just pop over there.

67
00:02:32,893 --> 00:02:34,025
Mm.

68
00:02:34,060 --> 00:02:35,894
- Do you not want to?
- Whoa.

69
00:02:35,928 --> 00:02:37,162
(whistles)

70
00:02:37,196 --> 00:02:39,297
I did not...

71
00:02:39,331 --> 00:02:43,434
- That did not...
- So you're saying you do want to?

72
00:02:43,468 --> 00:02:44,869
(chuckles)

73
00:02:44,904 --> 00:02:46,604
Oh, my God,

74
00:02:46,638 --> 00:02:48,639
Nick, we're moving in together!

75
00:02:48,674 --> 00:02:50,240
- Officially? We just agreed on it?
- Yes!

76
00:02:50,274 --> 00:02:53,143
Yes! I cannot think
of a reason why not to.

77
00:02:53,178 --> 00:02:56,413
Reason 13: I like my stuff
and I hate her stuff.

78
00:02:56,447 --> 00:02:59,416
Reason number 14: How am I
ever gonna change my clothes?

79
00:02:59,450 --> 00:03:00,584
You don't change in front
of your girlfriend?

80
00:03:00,618 --> 00:03:02,219
You get naked in front of her.

81
00:03:02,253 --> 00:03:04,621
Yes, but those are different things.
When you're naked,

82
00:03:04,655 --> 00:03:06,622
you're powerful
and it's glorious.

83
00:03:06,656 --> 00:03:08,390
When you're changing,
you're hunched over

84
00:03:08,425 --> 00:03:09,926
and cowering, like an animal.

85
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,227
Animals don't wear clothes, Nick.

86
00:03:11,261 --> 00:03:12,829
All I'm saying is I need my space.

87
00:03:12,863 --> 00:03:14,897
True intimacy. Embrace that.

88
00:03:14,932 --> 00:03:18,300
Abby and I, we have one sponge.

89
00:03:18,335 --> 00:03:21,670
And we use it for everything.

90
00:03:21,705 --> 00:03:24,716
I don't like that,
but you seem happy.

91
00:03:24,816 --> 00:03:28,276
Don't hold back, Nick. Expose
your cracks and love will fill them.

92
00:03:28,310 --> 00:03:29,978
- That's nice.
- Thank you.

93
00:03:30,012 --> 00:03:31,747
Do you know how hard
it's been for me to take

94
00:03:31,781 --> 00:03:33,615
this conversation seriously
while you're wearing

95
00:03:33,649 --> 00:03:36,618
- that thing around your neck?
- It's an Iroquois throat band.

96
00:03:36,652 --> 00:03:38,953
- That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
- Yeah, you're jealous.

97
00:03:38,987 --> 00:03:41,455
- No, I'm not.
- It's not just a choker, it's story.

98
00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:44,324
What's the story?
She didn't have enough supplies?

99
00:03:44,359 --> 00:03:46,360
- I'm not through the whole thing yet.
- I got to tell you, man, looking

100
00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:48,495
at that thing,
the sex must be awesome.

101
00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:51,165
Coach: <i>Cece and I have been
hanging out a lot more lately.</i>

102
00:03:51,199 --> 00:03:53,134
She sort of treats me like I'm
one of her girl friends, and...

103
00:03:53,168 --> 00:03:55,101
(strained):
You don't like it?

104
00:03:55,136 --> 00:03:56,569
I love it. I mean,

105
00:03:56,603 --> 00:03:57,937
usually, when I'm friends
with a girl, I'm either trying

106
00:03:57,972 --> 00:03:59,939
to get that butt or she's trying
to get this butt.

107
00:03:59,974 --> 00:04:01,941
But with Cece,
it's not about the butt.

108
00:04:01,976 --> 00:04:04,778
(chuckles) It's not about
the butt, man. It's cool.

109
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:08,478
- It's like... We're like... sisters.
- What?

110
00:04:08,648 --> 00:04:10,783
Coach. Hey, do you have,
uh, Schmidt's keys?

111
00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:12,450
Kind of got a weird favor to ask.

112
00:04:12,485 --> 00:04:14,887
It's only weird
if you don't ask, girl. (laughs)

113
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:17,656
- What?
- That's what I'm talking about.

114
00:04:17,690 --> 00:04:19,191
(meows)

115
00:04:19,225 --> 00:04:21,526
(grunts) You know
I'm doing this for you, right?

116
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,162
- Somewhere...
- This is great.

117
00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:24,663
(chuckles)
What are we doing?

118
00:04:24,697 --> 00:04:26,664
We are snooping on Abby.

119
00:04:26,698 --> 00:04:29,400
- Oh, love it.
- I do not trust that girl.

120
00:04:29,434 --> 00:04:32,036
She's always working an angle.
Now she's got Schmidt all

121
00:04:32,070 --> 00:04:33,871
wrapped up, giving her money
for "jewelry."

122
00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:36,974
Treachery!
(Coach screams)

123
00:04:37,009 --> 00:04:39,376
First, they came for my
silverware and I said nothing.

124
00:04:39,411 --> 00:04:41,978
- What's up, dawg?
- What are you guys doing here?

125
00:04:42,013 --> 00:04:44,815
Schmidt, I know that Abby is fun
and she is charming,

126
00:04:44,849 --> 00:04:46,983
but I'm telling you, she's bad news.

127
00:04:47,018 --> 00:04:48,852
Is that why you guys are sorting
through my garbage?

128
00:04:48,886 --> 00:04:51,754
I appreciate the concern, you
guys, but Abby has changed.

129
00:04:51,789 --> 00:04:54,490
Coach: Then how do you explain this?

130
00:04:54,525 --> 00:04:56,092
I put my coffee grounds
in a plastic bag

131
00:04:56,127 --> 00:04:57,694
so it doesn't get the rest
of my trash dirty.

132
00:04:57,728 --> 00:04:58,861
- Really?
- Yeah, he does that.

133
00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:00,196
You got clean-ass trash, man.

134
00:05:00,230 --> 00:05:02,865
I don't even need gloves for this.

135
00:05:02,899 --> 00:05:04,766
Quit sorting through my trash, Coach.
You're messing it all up.

136
00:05:04,801 --> 00:05:08,170
Schmidt, you've known this girl
for a couple weeks, okay?

137
00:05:08,205 --> 00:05:11,106
I've known her for 20 years,
and, I am telling you,

138
00:05:11,141 --> 00:05:14,209
she's not to be trusted.

139
00:05:14,243 --> 00:05:16,544
Your words are changing his
opinions about things.

140
00:05:16,578 --> 00:05:17,946
(chuckles)
Up top.

141
00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:20,614
Mm.

142
00:05:20,649 --> 00:05:22,383
You two as friends is a real bummer.

143
00:05:22,417 --> 00:05:24,018
I'm not into it.

144
00:05:24,053 --> 00:05:26,354
Jess: <i>Our first night living together.</i>

145
00:05:26,388 --> 00:05:27,555
I'm just excited.

146
00:05:27,589 --> 00:05:32,159
Expose your cracks
and love will fill them.

147
00:05:34,229 --> 00:05:35,762
I'm changing.

148
00:05:35,796 --> 00:05:37,597
Great. I'm reading.

149
00:05:37,631 --> 00:05:40,033
Okay.

150
00:05:40,068 --> 00:05:42,469
Yeah, I'm just gonna
take my pants off.

151
00:05:42,503 --> 00:05:43,470
Okay.

152
00:05:43,504 --> 00:05:44,905
(grumbling)

153
00:05:44,939 --> 00:05:46,873
You know, I've seen you
naked before, right?

154
00:05:48,141 --> 00:05:49,441
What's going on there?

155
00:05:49,476 --> 00:05:51,543
Oh! Never changed in
front of a woman.

156
00:05:51,578 --> 00:05:54,446
- You know, mostly you just hook up and...
- Really?

157
00:05:54,481 --> 00:05:55,581
Are you serious?

158
00:05:58,986 --> 00:06:01,820
All right, I'm gonna read.

159
00:06:01,855 --> 00:06:03,188
(clears throat)

160
00:06:04,623 --> 00:06:07,192
Okay. Here we go.

161
00:06:09,195 --> 00:06:10,762
(Nick moans)

162
00:06:10,796 --> 00:06:12,063
Yeah, it's...

163
00:06:12,098 --> 00:06:13,498
Just gonna put this on here.

164
00:06:13,532 --> 00:06:15,267
What is that?

165
00:06:15,301 --> 00:06:16,935
Oh, this is my long shirt.

166
00:06:16,969 --> 00:06:18,936
- (snorts)
- Yeah. Oh.

167
00:06:18,938 --> 00:06:21,338
That's why you're laughing.
I had it on the wrong way.

168
00:06:21,373 --> 00:06:25,575
(laughs) That must have been
funny-looking the way it was.

169
00:06:25,610 --> 00:06:28,078
I've never broken it out
before you because, you know,

170
00:06:28,113 --> 00:06:29,746
we didn't live
together, but...

171
00:06:29,781 --> 00:06:33,517
it keeps the top really warm
and lets my bottom breathe.

172
00:06:33,551 --> 00:06:36,585
- And so... yeah.
- Why does your bottom need to breathe?

173
00:06:36,620 --> 00:06:39,155
Well, it's like a plant.

174
00:06:39,189 --> 00:06:40,924
Needs sun and air to survive.

175
00:06:40,958 --> 00:06:42,926
Never mind. Um... I like it.

176
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,994
- Um... yeah.
- Great.

177
00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:46,262
I like it.

178
00:06:46,297 --> 00:06:48,998
(grunts)

179
00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:50,799
Okay.

180
00:06:50,833 --> 00:06:52,634
- This is great.
- This is great.

181
00:06:52,668 --> 00:06:54,102
I'm excited.

182
00:06:54,137 --> 00:06:56,238
Me, too.

183
00:07:01,877 --> 00:07:03,678
- What are you doing to the pillow?
- I'm trying to get comfortable.

184
00:07:03,712 --> 00:07:05,513
Oh, okay.

185
00:07:05,548 --> 00:07:07,514
Got it.

186
00:07:07,549 --> 00:07:09,350
Got it.

187
00:07:09,384 --> 00:07:10,952
I can't...

188
00:07:10,986 --> 00:07:12,320
I'm gonna go to sleep.

189
00:07:12,354 --> 00:07:14,322
- Turn off the light.
- Great.

190
00:07:14,356 --> 00:07:16,357
Mm.

191
00:07:17,392 --> 00:07:19,026
Ow!

192
00:07:19,061 --> 00:07:21,362
What? So-Sorry. Sorry.

193
00:07:21,396 --> 00:07:24,064
- What the hell is that nightmare?
- I just... have to...

194
00:07:24,098 --> 00:07:26,433
Sorry.

195
00:07:28,269 --> 00:07:30,170
- Just reading.
- Yeah. You know what I'm gonna do?

196
00:07:30,204 --> 00:07:31,458
I'm gonna sleep
with my head over there.

197
00:07:31,621 --> 00:07:33,539
Okay.

198
00:07:33,574 --> 00:07:35,575
Yeah, that's... That's
gonna be better for me.

199
00:07:44,217 --> 00:07:46,852
You know what, I'm gonna
get some water.

200
00:07:46,886 --> 00:07:48,887
(muffled music playing)

201
00:07:52,258 --> 00:07:54,825
- Oh, hey.
- My room looks totally different.

202
00:07:54,860 --> 00:07:56,160
Turned it into a workout space.

203
00:07:56,195 --> 00:07:57,862
I am so glad it opened up.

204
00:07:57,896 --> 00:08:00,564
Oh, why didn't we do this sooner?

205
00:08:02,468 --> 00:08:04,469
Crab walk.

206
00:08:06,405 --> 00:08:08,739
You don't know where
a crab's gonna go.

207
00:08:08,773 --> 00:08:10,207
And you know what?

208
00:08:10,241 --> 00:08:11,908
Where does the crab go? Oh!

209
00:08:11,942 --> 00:08:13,743
Oh, aah!

210
00:08:13,777 --> 00:08:15,312
Owie.

211
00:08:19,317 --> 00:08:21,118
(elevator bell dings)

212
00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:24,354
Hi. Just enjoying the peace and quiet.

213
00:08:25,322 --> 00:08:27,323
Whoa, hold up.

214
00:08:27,358 --> 00:08:28,402
Hey, Jess, what are you doing?

215
00:08:28,502 --> 00:08:31,794
Oh, I just, you know, sometimes
I work in the elevator now.

216
00:08:31,828 --> 00:08:34,230
(whispers): You know,
helping some of the older residents.

217
00:08:34,265 --> 00:08:35,898
Hmm?
(elevator bell dings)

218
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:38,933
(loudly):
This is your floor, ma'am.

219
00:08:42,572 --> 00:08:45,006
So, how are things going with
you and Schmidt living together?

220
00:08:45,041 --> 00:08:48,076
I have never felt so clean
while being so dirty.

221
00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:50,546
- Awesome.
- Last night, Schmidt wanted

222
00:08:50,580 --> 00:08:52,847
to take me to a hotel, but
we could not even get out

223
00:08:52,882 --> 00:08:55,149
of the loft without ripping
each other's clothes off.

224
00:08:55,184 --> 00:08:56,334
Oh, that's our thing, too.

225
00:08:56,486 --> 00:08:58,819
We have the hotel until tomorrow
night and it's all paid up.

226
00:08:58,853 --> 00:09:00,854
You guys might as well use it.
Take it off our hands.

227
00:09:00,889 --> 00:09:02,356
(elevator bell dings)

228
00:09:03,725 --> 00:09:05,059
Lobby, please.

229
00:09:05,093 --> 00:09:07,094
(mouths words)

230
00:09:10,097 --> 00:09:13,066
Wait, I forgot Bernie.

231
00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:15,068
Hold the elevator.

232
00:09:15,102 --> 00:09:19,105
Bernie, Bernie,
where are you, you idiot?

233
00:09:19,139 --> 00:09:20,840
I'll just be here, waiting.

234
00:09:20,874 --> 00:09:23,577
Winston: <i>So, Nick, the police academy
training is going well, but</i>

235
00:09:23,611 --> 00:09:26,845
I'm a little worried about
the rings, because of the...

236
00:09:26,879 --> 00:09:29,248
you know... the incident.

237
00:09:29,282 --> 00:09:30,782
(laughter)

238
00:09:30,817 --> 00:09:32,451
Shut up, you guys,
I can do this.

239
00:09:32,485 --> 00:09:34,986
No, Miller, no, Miller, no!

240
00:09:35,021 --> 00:09:37,356
(laughter)

241
00:09:38,658 --> 00:09:40,359
(laughs)

242
00:09:42,228 --> 00:09:44,795
I'm sor... I got big laughs. You got
to give the people what they want.

243
00:09:44,830 --> 00:09:48,299
Everybody saw my ding-a-ling,
Nick. My ding-a-ling.

244
00:09:48,334 --> 00:09:50,268
I've got an issue that's
more important than this.

245
00:09:50,302 --> 00:09:53,605
Ever since Jess moved in, I
haven't had a second to myself.

246
00:09:53,639 --> 00:09:55,873
You see what she's done
to my writer's desk?

247
00:09:55,907 --> 00:09:57,874
It's like an arts and
crafts area now, man.

248
00:09:57,908 --> 00:09:59,109
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

249
00:09:59,143 --> 00:10:01,245
I'm staying at a hotel tonight.

250
00:10:01,279 --> 00:10:02,879
Not alone. With other people.

251
00:10:02,913 --> 00:10:05,815
I have to chaperone a field trip
to Sacramento, so...

252
00:10:05,850 --> 00:10:07,718
You know what, you seem too
busy to talk about it. Go, go.

253
00:10:07,752 --> 00:10:09,919
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you.

254
00:10:09,954 --> 00:10:11,421
Wait, weren't you
just saying how you...

255
00:10:11,456 --> 00:10:13,322
Whoa, dude!
(Jess laughs)

256
00:10:13,357 --> 00:10:15,491
- Good one, Nick. Bye.
- Bye, yeah.

257
00:10:15,525 --> 00:10:18,060
That, uh, I'm, uh, I'm sorry.

258
00:10:18,094 --> 00:10:19,495
Schmidt:
I can't believe I let you guys

259
00:10:19,529 --> 00:10:21,597
talk me into tailing
my own girlfriend.

260
00:10:21,632 --> 00:10:24,099
Cece: Look at this neighborhood,
Schmidt, she is up to no good.

261
00:10:24,134 --> 00:10:26,835
I feel very uncomfortable
being here, I trust Abby,

262
00:10:26,870 --> 00:10:28,471
I don't want to spy
on her any more, okay?

263
00:10:28,505 --> 00:10:31,005
We're not spying.
We're just carefully watching.

264
00:10:31,039 --> 00:10:32,574
Girlfriend is going down.

265
00:10:32,608 --> 00:10:35,310
- Yeah, she is.
- Let us bust her, buster.

266
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,811
(giggles)
That was a good one.

267
00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:38,413
That was.
Yeah. Okay.

268
00:10:38,447 --> 00:10:40,348
(both sigh)

269
00:10:40,448 --> 00:10:42,950
This dynamic between the two of you...
It's very annoying to me.

270
00:10:42,985 --> 00:10:45,119
- I'm sure I'm not alone on this.
- Hi, hater.

271
00:10:45,154 --> 00:10:47,354
- Bye, hater. - Okay, enough is enough.
I'm getting out of here.

272
00:10:47,389 --> 00:10:48,989
- Hey, it's my car...
- Guys, guys.

273
00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:51,124
I don't care whose
car it is, I'm going.

274
00:10:51,159 --> 00:10:52,426
- I don't care who...
- It's my car.

275
00:10:52,460 --> 00:10:54,161
- Oh.
- Aah!

276
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:56,797
(gasps)
Great.

277
00:10:56,831 --> 00:10:58,332
Hit a parked car
in the same neighborhood

278
00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:00,501
they shot friggin' <i>Children of Men.</i>

279
00:11:08,642 --> 00:11:10,443
Yeah!

280
00:11:10,477 --> 00:11:13,979
I'm alone!

281
00:11:14,014 --> 00:11:16,048
(laughs)

282
00:11:16,082 --> 00:11:17,382
Yeah.

283
00:11:17,417 --> 00:11:19,384
♪ I made my reservation

284
00:11:19,419 --> 00:11:20,952
♪ I'm leaving town tomorrow
(yells happily)

285
00:11:20,986 --> 00:11:23,355
♪ I'll find somebody new...
(grunts, laughs)

286
00:11:23,389 --> 00:11:28,193
I'm alone and I love it.

287
00:11:28,227 --> 00:11:31,830
Coffee for one,
a sundae for one,

288
00:11:31,864 --> 00:11:35,499
and the most tasteful,
story-driven

289
00:11:35,534 --> 00:11:37,234
(whispers) adult film.

290
00:11:37,268 --> 00:11:39,236
Preferably a period piece.

291
00:11:39,270 --> 00:11:40,738
The farther in the past, the better.

292
00:11:40,772 --> 00:11:42,206
You know what
I'm talking about, girl.

293
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:46,711
(sobs)

294
00:11:46,745 --> 00:11:50,647
Do you have anything
in the Byzantine Era?

295
00:11:50,681 --> 00:11:54,917
No? All right,
just a shot in the dark.

296
00:11:54,952 --> 00:11:57,019
♪ Clang, clang, clang,
went the trolley... ♪

297
00:11:57,054 --> 00:11:59,589
(sobbing): It's so little.

298
00:11:59,623 --> 00:12:01,424
It's so little.

299
00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:03,660
♪ Bump, bump, bump
went my heartstrings ♪

300
00:12:03,694 --> 00:12:06,528
♪ When he smiled,
I could feel the car shake... ♪

301
00:12:06,563 --> 00:12:08,263
(pounding on wall): I'm trying to sleep!
- Okay!

302
00:12:08,297 --> 00:12:10,232
- Which ding is ours?
- Which ding is ours?

303
00:12:10,266 --> 00:12:12,601
Coach, there are
knife holes in the door.

304
00:12:12,635 --> 00:12:14,128
What does it matter?
Let's get out of here.

305
00:12:14,218 --> 00:12:16,505
At least write "sorry" and put it under
the windshield wiper...

306
00:12:16,539 --> 00:12:17,840
There are none.

307
00:12:17,874 --> 00:12:21,276
Uh... Maybe put it under
the dead bird's leg?

308
00:12:21,310 --> 00:12:23,210
- Hobo!
- Aah, there's a dude!

309
00:12:23,245 --> 00:12:24,512
(screaming)
Ho-ho-hobo, for real!

310
00:12:24,546 --> 00:12:26,080
- Hobo!
- Son of a bitch

311
00:12:26,114 --> 00:12:27,448
Hobo.

312
00:12:27,483 --> 00:12:28,483
Thank you, Jingles.

313
00:12:28,517 --> 00:12:29,884
You got it, girl.

314
00:12:29,918 --> 00:12:31,452
Hey. What are
you guys doing here?

315
00:12:31,487 --> 00:12:32,953
Tailing me?

316
00:12:32,988 --> 00:12:35,222
- No. Um...
- Yes, we're tailing you.

317
00:12:35,257 --> 00:12:37,358
I know how you work:

318
00:12:37,392 --> 00:12:39,693
You glom onto guys and
then you just bleed them dry.

319
00:12:39,727 --> 00:12:41,728
Well, you are not
gonna do it to Schmidt.

320
00:12:44,565 --> 00:12:46,232
What's in the box?

321
00:12:49,103 --> 00:12:50,771
Tell us what's in the box.

322
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:55,775
Zippers.

323
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,109
What?

324
00:12:57,143 --> 00:13:00,312
(laughs) Z... Zippers, you guys.

325
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:01,747
Guy up there'll
give you a great deal.

326
00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:02,882
He also loves crack.

327
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:05,284
Can we go now?

328
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,519
Thank you, Abby, let's go.

329
00:13:09,755 --> 00:13:11,088
My car is gone.

330
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:13,458
Well, that's not surprising.

331
00:13:17,202 --> 00:13:19,136
Oh, you can do this.
You can do this, Winnie.

332
00:13:25,409 --> 00:13:27,844
What are you doing here?

333
00:13:27,878 --> 00:13:29,312
On a school day?

334
00:13:29,347 --> 00:13:31,381
I see this means
you're the cutting type.

335
00:13:31,415 --> 00:13:34,150
Which means you're the pantsing type.

336
00:13:34,184 --> 00:13:36,118
Well, I got news for you, buddy.

337
00:13:36,153 --> 00:13:37,153
You ain't getting 'em!

338
00:13:37,187 --> 00:13:38,220
Not today.

339
00:13:38,254 --> 00:13:40,188
How 'bout I take your pants, huh?

340
00:13:40,223 --> 00:13:41,957
Not like that, everybody!

341
00:13:41,991 --> 00:13:43,692
I'm not trying to take
the little kid's pants.

342
00:13:43,727 --> 00:13:45,361
He's trying to take my pants.

343
00:13:45,395 --> 00:13:47,396
You see how he's eyeing my pants?

344
00:13:47,430 --> 00:13:48,797
So I eyed his pants...

345
00:13:48,832 --> 00:13:50,532
You know what?

346
00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:51,900
You win.

347
00:13:51,934 --> 00:13:53,335
You win, you little son of a bitch.

348
00:13:53,369 --> 00:13:55,202
You win!

349
00:13:55,237 --> 00:13:57,405
I don't want to tell you
how to police your beach,

350
00:13:57,439 --> 00:13:59,173
but right now there are truants

351
00:13:59,207 --> 00:14:01,476
outside of this hotel,
stirring up trouble.

352
00:14:01,510 --> 00:14:03,143
Hey, yo, lookin' good, Charlie!

353
00:14:03,178 --> 00:14:06,113
Debbie, see you at 1:00
on the massage table.

354
00:14:07,449 --> 00:14:08,716
Winston.

355
00:14:15,490 --> 00:14:16,923
Mm.

356
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:18,992
We are gonna sneak into Schmidt's

357
00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:20,761
and see what's really
inside those boxes.

358
00:14:20,795 --> 00:14:22,596
- Cece, darling...
- Hmm?

359
00:14:22,630 --> 00:14:24,698
- What?
- How long have we been friends?

360
00:14:24,732 --> 00:14:26,164
A week or so?

361
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,401
- And have I ever steered you wrong?
- Well, no...

362
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:31,003
Exactly. Because I know you
better than anyone, girl.

363
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:32,237
And you're acting like a lunatic.

364
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:34,774
I mean, the kind of lunatic
other lunatics look at and go,

365
00:14:34,808 --> 00:14:35,941
"Oh, my God,
that bitch a lunatic."

366
00:14:35,975 --> 00:14:38,711
So I'm gonna need you
to figure out why you're

367
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:39,912
really doing all this for Schmidt...

368
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:45,617
...and then sort it out.

369
00:14:45,651 --> 00:14:47,852
You did not just say that to me.

370
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,421
Think about it, girl.
Shoot...

371
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:51,756
Just to be clear, I did not ask
you to act like this, okay?

372
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:54,977
- It's just kind of fun to do...
- Slow down, girl.

373
00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:56,711
You gonna eat that scone?

374
00:14:57,122 --> 00:14:58,333
- Damn it.
- Slow down.

375
00:14:58,383 --> 00:15:00,964
Are you-are you gonna have this scone?

376
00:15:00,998 --> 00:15:03,233
- Hey, man.
- Hey, man.

377
00:15:03,267 --> 00:15:05,636
Just looking at my Garbage Pail Kids.

378
00:15:05,670 --> 00:15:07,971
Jess makes me put 'em in a box.

379
00:15:08,005 --> 00:15:10,441
How are you gonna put art
like this in a box?

380
00:15:11,943 --> 00:15:12,910
What's going on with you?

381
00:15:12,944 --> 00:15:14,610
Nothing...

382
00:15:14,645 --> 00:15:16,111
You will not tell Nick

383
00:15:16,146 --> 00:15:17,880
that you saw me here
because then he'll get upset

384
00:15:17,915 --> 00:15:19,715
and I'm gonna have to move
into my old room,

385
00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:22,919
and that means that we suck as
a couple and that Abby was right

386
00:15:22,953 --> 00:15:24,754
and I cannot let that happen.

387
00:15:24,788 --> 00:15:26,489
Jess went to a hotel
because sharing a room with you

388
00:15:26,523 --> 00:15:27,690
is driving her crazy.

389
00:15:28,592 --> 00:15:31,192
(relieved moaning)

390
00:15:31,226 --> 00:15:33,127
Dude, at really was
a tough one to keep in,

391
00:15:33,162 --> 00:15:34,295
but, honestly,
I held my own and I did

392
00:15:34,330 --> 00:15:36,297
- my best.
- Are you kidding me?!

393
00:15:36,332 --> 00:15:39,267
I can't believe it!
I changed in front of her!

394
00:15:39,301 --> 00:15:40,936
Sharing a room
is driving you crazy, too.

395
00:15:40,970 --> 00:15:42,938
But I didn't lie about it.

396
00:15:42,972 --> 00:15:46,474
I never get to win these things.

397
00:15:46,508 --> 00:15:48,108
So, anyway, I just want
to apologize.

398
00:15:48,142 --> 00:15:50,444
It was wrong of me to get involved.

399
00:15:50,479 --> 00:15:53,080
Are you sure you don't want to tap
Abby's phone? Run a DNA sample?

400
00:15:53,114 --> 00:15:55,950
I don't want to be coarse, but
the bedroom is covered in it.

401
00:15:55,984 --> 00:15:57,785
I was worried about you, okay?

402
00:15:57,819 --> 00:15:59,453
I didn't want her
to take advantage of you

403
00:15:59,488 --> 00:16:01,455
'cause I know that you will do...

404
00:16:01,489 --> 00:16:04,156
anything for the people
that you care about.

405
00:16:05,826 --> 00:16:09,295
Well, I guess I could say
the same thing about you.

406
00:16:11,098 --> 00:16:13,800
And, you know what,
maybe Abby has changed.

407
00:16:13,834 --> 00:16:17,136
I'm thinking about helping Abby
lease a storefront

408
00:16:17,170 --> 00:16:18,971
- for her jewelry.
- Is that crazy?

409
00:16:19,005 --> 00:16:21,807
- It's...
- (chuckles)

410
00:16:21,841 --> 00:16:23,775
It's amazing. Don't hold back.

411
00:16:23,810 --> 00:16:25,978
Here. Here, I want you
to have this.

412
00:16:26,012 --> 00:16:28,446
- Oh.
- Abby made it.

413
00:16:28,481 --> 00:16:29,681
Oh...

414
00:16:29,716 --> 00:16:30,849
Mm...

415
00:16:30,884 --> 00:16:33,284
It's a cough
drop and...

416
00:16:33,319 --> 00:16:35,520
- these are hard candies.
- I see that.

417
00:16:35,554 --> 00:16:38,923
I... truly hate it.

418
00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:40,591
You're welcome.

419
00:16:40,626 --> 00:16:42,693
(sighs)

420
00:16:42,728 --> 00:16:43,618
- Oh.
- Oh, hey.

421
00:16:43,995 --> 00:16:45,011
How was Sacramento?

422
00:16:45,051 --> 00:16:47,547
It was great. The kids cried
when they saw the capital.

423
00:16:47,713 --> 00:16:49,609
Oh, did they?
How many students showed up?

424
00:16:49,644 --> 00:16:50,579
30.

425
00:16:50,668 --> 00:16:53,003
- What hotel did you stay at?
- Old Sacramento Inn.

426
00:16:53,037 --> 00:16:54,504
- What room did you stay in?
- 523.

427
00:16:54,539 --> 00:16:56,006
- What floor was that on?
- Five.

428
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,008
- Was there an elevator to the 4th floor?
- 5th floor.

429
00:16:58,042 --> 00:16:59,442
- Smoking or non-smoking?
- Smoking.

430
00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:01,645
- You don't smoke.
- In Sacramento, I do.

431
00:17:01,679 --> 00:17:02,979
- What'd you have for breakfast?
- Continental.

432
00:17:03,014 --> 00:17:04,814
How are you this good
at lying?! I know

433
00:17:04,849 --> 00:17:06,949
you're making this all up!
I know you didn't go

434
00:17:06,983 --> 00:17:09,618
to Sacramento. I know you went
to a hotel to be by yourself.

435
00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:13,155
- Damn it, Winston!
- Nick loved being alone, too!

436
00:17:13,189 --> 00:17:16,025
- Damn it, Winston!
- That's for my ding-a-ling!

437
00:17:16,059 --> 00:17:18,009
You didn't like living
together either?

438
00:17:18,178 --> 00:17:21,630
No, but it was your idea, and
it seemed like the thing to do.

439
00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:24,166
But at least I didn't lie
about it, Jess.

440
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,368
Okay, I did!
But you were driving me crazy.

441
00:17:26,402 --> 00:17:28,136
(quietly):
You wear a nightgown.

442
00:17:28,171 --> 00:17:29,504
Are you talking about my long shirt?

443
00:17:29,539 --> 00:17:31,906
You look like the Little Match Girl,

444
00:17:31,941 --> 00:17:37,045
wandering around Victorian England
selling matches for a penny.

445
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:40,681
- I look like George Washington.
- I was just trying to be a good couple.

446
00:17:40,715 --> 00:17:42,028
Schmidt and Abby are doing it.

447
00:17:42,048 --> 00:17:45,319
Well, Schmidt and Abby are crazy.
They're doing a lot of things.

448
00:17:45,353 --> 00:17:47,588
Why can't we do this?

449
00:17:47,622 --> 00:17:49,590
I don't know.

450
00:17:53,428 --> 00:17:54,506
- Hey.
- Hey.

451
00:17:54,669 --> 00:17:57,230
Uh-oh. Last time
I saw you day-drinking

452
00:17:57,264 --> 00:17:59,265
was when you got kicked out
of jazz ensemble.

453
00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:02,102
I'm still pissed off about that.

454
00:18:02,136 --> 00:18:04,102
What does that mean,
"too enthusiastic"?

455
00:18:04,389 --> 00:18:07,507
How come you're not at the hotel?
Did you and Nick break the bed?

456
00:18:07,541 --> 00:18:09,875
Because, legally, they cannot
make you pay for that.

457
00:18:09,910 --> 00:18:11,076
No. I was by myself.

458
00:18:11,111 --> 00:18:13,912
Oh, I've broken the bed
by myself.

459
00:18:13,946 --> 00:18:15,547
Big-time.

460
00:18:15,582 --> 00:18:18,717
No, I went to the hotel
to get away from Nick.

461
00:18:18,751 --> 00:18:21,920
And I wore a robe and I watched
a documentary about Ethel Kennedy

462
00:18:21,954 --> 00:18:24,389
and it was one
of the best nights of my life.

463
00:18:24,424 --> 00:18:26,091
- So you win.
- Your relationship's

464
00:18:26,125 --> 00:18:29,360
better than mine. And I can't
even share a room with Nick.

465
00:18:29,394 --> 00:18:31,095
I don't win. Come on.

466
00:18:31,130 --> 00:18:33,531
I swing from guy to guy.

467
00:18:33,565 --> 00:18:36,467
I don't think
I have ever paid my own rent.

468
00:18:36,502 --> 00:18:38,769
You travel the world,
collecting lovers.

469
00:18:38,803 --> 00:18:41,539
All my lovers
could fit in one SUV.

470
00:18:41,573 --> 00:18:44,374
And, yes, maybe somebody would
have to sit on someone's lap,

471
00:18:44,408 --> 00:18:46,376
but they would fit.

472
00:18:46,410 --> 00:18:48,278
And you're just... brave.

473
00:18:48,312 --> 00:18:50,113
You and Nick are brave.

474
00:18:50,148 --> 00:18:52,415
You guys know each other,
you get under each other's skin.

475
00:18:52,450 --> 00:18:54,584
He has the feet
of a hippy cult leader.

476
00:18:54,619 --> 00:18:56,786
But that's the difference.
I just throw myself

477
00:18:56,820 --> 00:18:59,421
into whatever comes along
because...

478
00:18:59,456 --> 00:19:02,158
I really don't want to be alone.

479
00:19:02,192 --> 00:19:04,426
Why not? Being alone's great.

480
00:19:04,461 --> 00:19:06,262
You should try it sometime.

481
00:19:06,296 --> 00:19:08,497
Seriously. It might help you
figure yourself out.

482
00:19:08,532 --> 00:19:10,766
(sighs)

483
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,601
You're Abby Freaking Day.

484
00:19:12,636 --> 00:19:14,602
You can do whatever you want.

485
00:19:16,272 --> 00:19:17,605
Except vote.

486
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,607
(laughs)
But, seriously,

487
00:19:19,642 --> 00:19:21,342
you should've seen Nick's feet.

488
00:19:21,377 --> 00:19:24,845
The bottoms are all black,
except for one patch of yellow.

489
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,047
(laughs)

490
00:19:29,988 --> 00:19:30,977
- Hey.
- Hey.

491
00:19:30,997 --> 00:19:31,750
- What are you doing?
- Oh,

492
00:19:32,257 --> 00:19:34,391
just packing up your things
and then I...

493
00:19:34,426 --> 00:19:36,960
thought about what you would
want and how you probably didn't

494
00:19:36,995 --> 00:19:39,963
want to move again, so I decided
to do the right thing

495
00:19:39,998 --> 00:19:41,298
and just take your room.

496
00:19:41,333 --> 00:19:42,866
- My room's bigger.
- Is it? I never...

497
00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:44,935
- Nice try.
- All right.

498
00:19:44,969 --> 00:19:46,302
I got to move some stuff back then.

499
00:19:46,337 --> 00:19:47,870
- (chuckles)
- Hey.

500
00:19:47,904 --> 00:19:50,440
I'm sorry that this didn't work out.

501
00:19:50,474 --> 00:19:54,043
- I'm sorry that we sucked.
- Look, we don't suck.

502
00:19:54,077 --> 00:19:56,812
I'm crazy about you, but I don't
have to spend every second

503
00:19:56,847 --> 00:19:59,982
with you in what amounts
to a one-room log cabin.

504
00:20:00,017 --> 00:20:02,050
Cabins are what drove
the Pilgrims crazy. That's why

505
00:20:02,084 --> 00:20:04,553
they killed each other
at the Plymouth Rock Massacre.

506
00:20:04,587 --> 00:20:07,956
- That's not a real thing.
- So how did the millions of Pilgrims die?

507
00:20:07,990 --> 00:20:10,159
There definitely weren't
millions of Pilgrims.

508
00:20:10,193 --> 00:20:13,061
Then how do you explain
my 37-page essay about it?

509
00:20:13,095 --> 00:20:15,297
- I think you made it up in your head.
- This seems like one of those

510
00:20:15,331 --> 00:20:18,065
- "agree to disagree" moments...
- No. It's not.

511
00:20:18,099 --> 00:20:20,034
- I'm also older than you.
- Anyway,

512
00:20:20,068 --> 00:20:22,303
I love you and someday
we'll make this work.

513
00:20:22,337 --> 00:20:24,071
I think so, too.
Just-just not now.

514
00:20:24,105 --> 00:20:26,073
- Not like this.
- Yeah. Yeah.

515
00:20:26,107 --> 00:20:28,576
But if you're not doing
anything, want to come over?

516
00:20:28,610 --> 00:20:29,610
I am over.

517
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,745
(knocking)

518
00:20:31,780 --> 00:20:33,513
- Oh!
- Hey, guys. Uh,

519
00:20:33,548 --> 00:20:35,748
just a little hot goss
from apartment 4C.

520
00:20:35,783 --> 00:20:37,850
Abby's gone.

521
00:20:37,885 --> 00:20:39,286
- What?
- She's gonna

522
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:40,786
stay with your mom for a little bit.

523
00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:44,623
Something about saving up
to be independent?

524
00:20:44,658 --> 00:20:46,024
Wow.

525
00:20:46,059 --> 00:20:48,294
Good for her.

526
00:20:48,328 --> 00:20:50,296
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay. You know...

527
00:20:50,330 --> 00:20:53,131
in hindsight, maybe we moved
a little bit too fast.

528
00:20:53,166 --> 00:20:55,133
I just wish
that I had realized that

529
00:20:55,168 --> 00:20:58,869
- before I rented her a storefront.
- You rented her a storefront?

530
00:20:58,904 --> 00:21:00,871
It was a three-year lease
in an undesirable neighborhood.

531
00:21:00,906 --> 00:21:03,308
(chuckles) It totally
obliterated my bank account,

532
00:21:03,342 --> 00:21:05,710
so... I've decided
to sublet my place, and...

533
00:21:05,744 --> 00:21:08,112
I'll be moving back here,
under duress.

534
00:21:08,146 --> 00:21:09,703
Y-You're moving back in here?

535
00:21:09,733 --> 00:21:11,049
Well, it shouldn't be
a problem, right? I mean,

536
00:21:11,317 --> 00:21:14,218
Coach is in my room, and you
guys are now moving in together.

537
00:21:14,252 --> 00:21:16,453
I'll just move
into Jess' room. Cool?

538
00:21:16,487 --> 00:21:18,655
- Yeah, but, like...
- Asking was just kind of a formality.

539
00:21:18,690 --> 00:21:21,891
'Cause my name's on the lease,
so... You guys are the best.

540
00:21:21,926 --> 00:21:24,194
Oh...

541
00:21:24,229 --> 00:21:27,163
(sighs)
(chuckles)

542
00:21:27,198 --> 00:21:30,799
- Yay!
- Yay.

543
00:21:30,834 --> 00:21:32,501
- Cool.
- Great.

544
00:21:32,536 --> 00:21:33,876
- Let's do this.
- We can make it work.

545
00:21:33,976 --> 00:21:35,364
You have
to start washing your feet.

546
00:21:35,939 --> 00:21:38,907
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