1 00:00:02,435 --> 00:00:05,063 Thank you so much for having us over for brunch, guys. Ripped By mstoll 2 00:00:05,305 --> 00:00:07,239 It's the least we could do to celebrate the one-week anniversary... 3 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:10,136 ...of your sister moving in with me and becoming my live-in lover. 4 00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:11,332 It's a little fast. 5 00:00:11,544 --> 00:00:14,411 - Babe, you have syrup on your face. - Oh, you can get it. 6 00:00:16,449 --> 00:00:19,145 - Babe, you have some sugar... - Back off, I'm starving. 7 00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:22,583 - Come on, let me get it off. It's so much. - Get your own, Jess. 8 00:00:22,822 --> 00:00:25,017 I got these slices that are for me to eat. 9 00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:27,522 If you want your slices, get your own slices. 10 00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:30,229 Um, that's your fourth plate, Winston. 11 00:00:30,463 --> 00:00:34,365 Bulking up for the L.A.P.D. Fitness exam. I'm going to ace this obstacle course. 12 00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:36,535 Schmidt, you got something crazy around your neck. 13 00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:39,636 Abby made this. Look. Look at that. 14 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,807 - Not a fan. - I forgot how much I love making jewelry. 15 00:00:42,008 --> 00:00:44,533 Schmidt's been lending me money for supplies. 16 00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:48,475 - Schmidt, are you bleeding? - Oh, look at that. I most certainly am. 17 00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:53,009 What makes Abby's jewelry so interesting is it's actually dangerous and can cut you. 18 00:00:53,286 --> 00:00:55,777 Abby's gonna open up her own store. Mark my words. 19 00:00:56,022 --> 00:00:59,355 - She shouldn't do that. - I'm gonna open up a store in your mouth. 20 00:00:59,592 --> 00:01:02,789 Now that you're here, I can have my old room back. Jess, need you gone by 5. 21 00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:06,261 Done. I need a break from Snora Ephron over here. 22 00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:08,558 - Okay. - Schmidt and I don't need any space. 23 00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:12,465 We have no boundaries. But not everybody can have what Schmidt and I have. 24 00:01:12,672 --> 00:01:15,800 You guys'll get there. Remember how long it took you to get boobs? 25 00:01:16,042 --> 00:01:21,537 Yeah, but I started shaving my legs at 9, so joke's on you. 26 00:01:26,953 --> 00:01:29,888 Wait. We have so much sex. 27 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:33,059 Don't try to eat the other slice, I'm gonna get to it. 28 00:01:33,793 --> 00:01:35,351 [SINGING] Who's that girl? 29 00:01:35,562 --> 00:01:37,621 CHORUS: Who's that girl? - It's Jess 30 00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:40,362 Can you believe Abby and Schmidt? 31 00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:44,367 Yeah, tell me about it. Making love at their own brunch? No class. 32 00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:49,166 They're a fake couple. We're a real couple. If anyone should move in together, it's us. 33 00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:52,845 - We already live in the same apartment. - So why not take the extra step? 34 00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:56,708 We basically sleep in each other's rooms every night, what's the difference? 35 00:01:56,916 --> 00:01:58,315 It's a really big difference. 36 00:01:58,518 --> 00:02:02,682 Right now, we're roommates, but we're not living together. Not "living together." 37 00:02:02,889 --> 00:02:04,516 - Right. No. - You know? 38 00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:08,625 Living together is a step. It's official. An official step in a relationship. 39 00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:11,921 - "Official" is the key. - Abby and Schmidt did it after one week. 40 00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:15,259 Come on. We have so much left to learn about each other. 41 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:19,598 Stuff you only learn if you're crammed together in a small space and can't get out. 42 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:23,138 Just you and me. Four walls. No boundaries. No escape. 43 00:02:23,409 --> 00:02:27,140 When you put it like that, it sounds amazing. And like prison. 44 00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:28,903 If we get tired of each other... 45 00:02:29,115 --> 00:02:33,449 ...I can always run across the hall to my room. It's so close, just pop over there. 46 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,583 - Do you not want to? - Whoa. 47 00:02:36,789 --> 00:02:38,381 [WHISTLES] 48 00:02:38,591 --> 00:02:41,719 I did not... That did not... 49 00:02:41,961 --> 00:02:44,054 So you're saying you do want to? 50 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:49,263 Oh, my God, Nick! We're moving in together! 51 00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:51,766 - Officially? We just agreed on it? Yes! - Yes! 52 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,734 I cannot think of a reason not to. 53 00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:56,999 Reason 13: I like my stuff and I hate her stuff. 54 00:02:57,277 --> 00:03:00,007 Reason number 14: How am I ever gonna change my clothes? 55 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,805 You don't change in front of her? You get naked. 56 00:03:03,049 --> 00:03:07,179 Those are different things. When you're naked, you're powerful and it's glorious. 57 00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:10,514 When you're changing, you're hunched, cowering, like an animal. 58 00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:13,452 - Animals don't wear clothes. - I'm saying I need my space. 59 00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,490 True intimacy. Embrace that. 60 00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:19,186 Abby and I? We have one sponge. 61 00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:22,299 And we use it for everything. 62 00:03:22,835 --> 00:03:26,293 - I don't like that, but you seem happy. - Don't hold back, Nick. 63 00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:28,838 Expose your cracks and love will fill them. 64 00:03:29,309 --> 00:03:30,606 - That's nice. - Thank you. 65 00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:32,534 You know how hard it's been... 66 00:03:32,745 --> 00:03:35,213 ...to take this seriously while you wear that? 67 00:03:35,481 --> 00:03:37,210 It's an Iroquois throat band. 68 00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:39,645 - Ugliest thing I've ever seen. - You're jealous. 69 00:03:39,852 --> 00:03:42,116 - I'm not. - It's not just a choker, it's a story. 70 00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:44,949 What's the story? She didn't have enough supplies? 71 00:03:45,191 --> 00:03:46,715 - I'm not through the whole... - Gotta tell you. 72 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,155 Looking at that thing, the sex must be awesome. 73 00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:51,830 COACH: Cece and I have been hanging out a lot more lately. 74 00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:54,693 - Treats me like I'm her girlfriend. - You don't like it? 75 00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:59,200 I love it. Usually, when I'm friends with a girl, I'm either trying to get that butt... 76 00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:03,432 ...or she's trying to get this butt. But with Cece, it's not about the butt. 77 00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:06,373 It's not about the butt, man, it's cool, it's like... 78 00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:08,046 We're like sisters. 79 00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:11,512 - What? - Coach. Hey, do you have Schmidt's keys? 80 00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:15,518 - Kind of got a weird favor to ask. - It's only weird if you don't ask, girl. 81 00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:18,246 - What? - That's what I'm talking about. 82 00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:22,187 You know I'm doing this for you, right? 83 00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,726 - It's somewhere. - This is great. 84 00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,559 - What are we doing? - We are snooping on Abby. 85 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:28,859 Oh, love it. 86 00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:31,366 I don't trust that girl. Always working an angle. 87 00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:34,505 She's got Schmidt wrapped up, giving her money for "jewelry." 88 00:04:34,741 --> 00:04:36,402 - Treachery! - Aah! 89 00:04:37,744 --> 00:04:40,076 First they came for my silverware, I said nothing. 90 00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:42,578 - What's up, dog? - What are you doing? 91 00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:47,582 Schmidt, I know Abby is fun and charming, but I'm telling you she's bad news. 92 00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:49,481 Is that why you're sorting through my garbage? 93 00:04:49,722 --> 00:04:52,384 I appreciate the concern, you guys, but Abby has changed. 94 00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:55,059 Then how do you explain this? 95 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:58,287 I put my coffee grounds in a plastic bag so it doesn't get the trash dirty. 96 00:04:58,531 --> 00:04:59,520 - Really? - He does that. 97 00:04:59,732 --> 00:05:02,895 You got clean-ass trash, man, I don't even need gloves for this. 98 00:05:03,102 --> 00:05:06,265 Quit sorting through my trash, Coach, you're messing it all up. 99 00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:10,101 Schmidt, you've known this girl a couple weeks, I've known her for 20 years. 100 00:05:10,343 --> 00:05:13,005 And I am telling you, she's not to be trusted. 101 00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:19,780 Your words are changing his opinions about things. Up top. 102 00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:24,615 You two as friends is a real bummer. I'm not into it. 103 00:05:24,857 --> 00:05:26,950 JESS: Our first night living together. 104 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,149 I'm just excited. 105 00:05:29,462 --> 00:05:32,226 Expose your cracks and love will fill them. 106 00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:36,964 I'm changing. 107 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,637 Great. I'm reading. 108 00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:40,328 Okay. 109 00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:44,102 - Yeah, I'm just gonna take my pants off. - Okay. 110 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,606 [GRUNTS] 111 00:05:45,812 --> 00:05:48,747 You know I've seen you naked before. 112 00:05:48,981 --> 00:05:52,314 - What's going on there? - Never changed in front of a woman. 113 00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:55,078 - You know? Mostly you just hook up and... - Really? 114 00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:57,050 Are you serious? 115 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,294 All right, I'm gonna read. 116 00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,461 [CLEARS THROAT] 117 00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:07,856 Okay. Here we go. 118 00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:14,967 Just gonna put this on, yeah. 119 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,574 - What is that? - This is my long shirt. 120 00:06:17,777 --> 00:06:19,005 [LAUGHS] 121 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:22,340 Yeah. Oh, ha, that's why you're laughing, I had it on the wrong way. 122 00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:23,537 [CHUCKLES] 123 00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:26,184 That must have been funny-Iooking, the way it was. 124 00:06:26,753 --> 00:06:30,849 I've never broken it out before you because, you know, we didn't live together... 125 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:34,151 ...but it keeps the top really warm and lets my bottom breathe. 126 00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:37,886 - And so, yeah. - Why does your bottom need to breathe? 127 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:41,532 Well, it's like a plant. It needs sun and air to survive. 128 00:06:41,768 --> 00:06:45,534 Never mind. Um, I like it. Um... Yeah. 129 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:46,864 - Great. - I like it. 130 00:06:48,674 --> 00:06:49,663 [GRUNTS] 131 00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:51,400 Okay. 132 00:06:51,677 --> 00:06:53,804 - This is great. - Just great. 133 00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:56,379 - I'm excited. - Me too. 134 00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:04,723 - What are you doing? - Trying to get comfortable. 135 00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,414 JESS: Oh, okay. 136 00:07:06,659 --> 00:07:08,058 Got it. 137 00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,686 Got it. 138 00:07:10,897 --> 00:07:12,922 I can't... I'm gonna go to sleep. 139 00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,167 - I'll turn off the light. - Great. 140 00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:19,829 Ow! 141 00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:22,405 What? Oh, sorry. Sorry. 142 00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:26,510 - What the hell is that nightmare? - I just... I have to... Sorry. 143 00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:31,743 - Just writing. - I'm gonna sleep with my head over there. 144 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:34,078 - Okay. - Thanks. 145 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:37,085 Yeah, that's gonna be better for me. 146 00:07:45,698 --> 00:07:47,461 You know, I'm gonna get some water. 147 00:07:51,671 --> 00:07:53,764 [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO] 148 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:56,806 - My room looks different. - Turned it into a workout space. 149 00:07:57,009 --> 00:07:58,977 I am so glad it opened up. 150 00:07:59,745 --> 00:08:02,179 Why didn't we do this sooner? 151 00:08:03,716 --> 00:08:05,274 Crab walk. 152 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,453 [MUTTERING] 153 00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:24,427 Hey. Just enjoying the peace and quiet. 154 00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:28,568 Whoa, hold up. Hey, Jess. What are you doing? 155 00:08:28,774 --> 00:08:31,800 Oh, I just... You know, sometimes I work in the elevator now. 156 00:08:32,044 --> 00:08:35,309 You know, helping some of the older residents. 157 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:39,741 This is your floor, ma'am! 158 00:08:42,822 --> 00:08:45,017 So how are things with you and Schmidt living together? 159 00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:48,124 I've never felt so clean while being so dirty. 160 00:08:48,794 --> 00:08:50,523 - Awesome. - Last night... 161 00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:53,425 ...Schmidt wanted to take me to a hotel, but we couldn't even get out of the loft... 162 00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:57,091 ...without ripping each other's clothes off. - That's our thing too. 163 00:08:57,336 --> 00:08:59,099 We have the hotel until tomorrow. It's all paid up... 164 00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:01,796 ...you might as well use it, take it off our hands. 165 00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:05,100 Lobby, please. 166 00:09:05,778 --> 00:09:07,143 [MOUTHS] Enjoy. 167 00:09:10,983 --> 00:09:13,247 Wait. I forgot Bernie. 168 00:09:13,452 --> 00:09:15,283 Hold the elevator. 169 00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:19,151 Bernie, Bernie, where are you, you idiot? 170 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,859 I'll just be here waiting. 171 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:23,620 WINSTON: So, Nick, the police academy training is going well... 172 00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:25,990 ...but I'm a little worried about the rings. 173 00:09:26,198 --> 00:09:29,258 Because of the... You know, the incident. 174 00:09:29,468 --> 00:09:30,867 [ALL LAUGHING] 175 00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:34,972 - Shut up, you guys. I can do this. - Miller, no. Miller, no. 176 00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:40,401 [CHUCKLES] 177 00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:44,846 I got big laughs. Give the people what they want. 178 00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:48,315 Everybody saw my ding-a-ling, Nick. My ding-a-ling. 179 00:09:48,554 --> 00:09:50,385 I've got an issue that's more important. 180 00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:53,649 Ever since Jess moved in, I haven't had a second to myself. 181 00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:57,886 You see what she's done to my writer's desk? It's an arts and crafts area now. 182 00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:01,293 - Hey, guys. I'm staying at a hotel tonight. - Hey. 183 00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:02,899 Not alone. With other people. 184 00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:05,865 I have to chaperone a field trip to Sacramento. 185 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,232 - Seem too busy to talk. Go. - Gonna miss you. 186 00:10:08,474 --> 00:10:09,736 I'm gonna miss you. 187 00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:13,343 Wait, weren't you just saying how you...? Whoa, dude! 188 00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:15,547 - Ha! Good one, Nick. Bye. - Bye. 189 00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:18,043 That... I'm sorry. 190 00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:21,685 SCHMIDT: I can't believe I let you guys talk me into tailing my own girlfriend. 191 00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:24,116 CECE: Look at this neighborhood, she's up to no good. 192 00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:26,119 I feel very uncomfortable being here. 193 00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,554 I trust Abby, I don't wanna spy on her anymore. 194 00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:32,628 - We're not spying, we're carefully watching. - Girlfriend's going down. 195 00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:35,366 - Yes, she is. - Let us bust her, buster. 196 00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:38,434 - Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one. Yeah. - That was. 197 00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,969 [CECE & COACH LAUGHING THEN SIGHING] 198 00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:44,540 This dynamic, it's very annoying to me. I'm sure I'm not alone on this. 199 00:10:44,744 --> 00:10:46,075 - Hi, hater. - Bye, hater. 200 00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:48,371 - Enough. I'm out of here. - Hey, it's my car. 201 00:10:48,614 --> 00:10:50,377 I don't care whose car, I'm going. 202 00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:52,414 - No. It's my car... - I don't care who... 203 00:10:56,088 --> 00:11:00,582 Great. Hit a parked car in the neighborhood they shot fricking Children of Men. 204 00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:10,495 Yeah! 205 00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:14,035 I'm alone! 206 00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:16,130 [LAUGHS] 207 00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:17,400 Yeah! 208 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,403 I made my reservation I'm leaving town tomorrow 209 00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:22,046 Aah! 210 00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:23,442 I'll find somebody new... 211 00:11:23,649 --> 00:11:28,245 I'm alone and I love it! 212 00:11:28,487 --> 00:11:31,752 Coffee for one, sundae for one... 213 00:11:31,957 --> 00:11:37,020 ...and, uh, your most tasteful, story-driven adult film. 214 00:11:37,229 --> 00:11:39,459 Preferably a period piece. 215 00:11:39,665 --> 00:11:42,725 The farther in the past, the better. You know what I'm talking about, girl. 216 00:11:42,935 --> 00:11:44,562 [SOBBING] 217 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:50,600 Do you have anything in the Byzantine era? 218 00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:52,977 No. 219 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:54,979 Just a shot in the dark. 220 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:57,045 [SINGING] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley 221 00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:01,483 It's so little. It's so little. 222 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:04,417 [SINGING] Bump, bump, bump Went my heartstrings 223 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:06,784 [BANGING ON WALL] 224 00:12:06,992 --> 00:12:08,323 MAN: We're trying to sleep! - Okay! 225 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:11,462 COACH: Which ding is ours? SCHMIDT: "Which ding is ours?" 226 00:12:11,697 --> 00:12:14,427 There are knife holes in the door. What does it matter? 227 00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:17,067 At least write "sorry" and put it under the wiper. 228 00:12:17,269 --> 00:12:19,294 There are none. 229 00:12:19,505 --> 00:12:21,336 Maybe put it under the dead bird's leg. 230 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,535 - Hobo! Hobo for real. - There's a dude! 231 00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:26,142 Hobo! 232 00:12:26,378 --> 00:12:27,504 Hobo! 233 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,942 Thank you, Jingles. 234 00:12:30,282 --> 00:12:33,012 Hey. What are you guys doing here? Tailing me? 235 00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:35,243 - No. - Yes, we're tailing you. 236 00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:37,377 I know how you work. 237 00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:41,753 You glom onto guys and bleed them dry. Well, you are not gonna do it to Schmidt. 238 00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,261 What's in the box? 239 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,830 Tell us what's in the box! 240 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,531 - Zippers. - What? 241 00:12:59,078 --> 00:13:00,375 Zippers, you guys. 242 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:03,377 Guy up there will give you a great deal. Also loves crack. 243 00:13:03,582 --> 00:13:05,174 Can we go now? 244 00:13:05,384 --> 00:13:06,578 Thank you. Abby, let's go. 245 00:13:10,055 --> 00:13:13,786 - My car is gone. - Well, that's not surprising. 246 00:13:16,562 --> 00:13:18,792 Pal, you can do this. You can do this, Winnie. 247 00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:29,001 What are you doing here? On a school day? 248 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:33,802 I see this means you're the cutting type, which means you're the pants-ing type. 249 00:13:34,446 --> 00:13:37,904 Well, I got news for you, buddy. You ain't getting them. Not today. 250 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:41,608 How about I take your pants, huh? Not like that, everybody. 251 00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:43,719 I'm not trying to take the kid's pants. 252 00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:47,086 He's trying to take my pants. You see how he's eyeing my pants? 253 00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:50,454 And so I eyed his pants. You know what? 254 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:54,155 You win. You win, you little son of a bitch. You win. 255 00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:56,926 I don't wanna tell you how to police your beach... 256 00:13:57,136 --> 00:14:01,129 ...but right now there are truants outside of this hotel stirring up trouble. 257 00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:05,810 Looking good, Shirley. Debbie, see you at 1:00 on the massage table. 258 00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:09,242 Winston. 259 00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:16,610 JESS: Hmm. 260 00:14:16,822 --> 00:14:20,451 We're gonna sneak into Schmidt's and see what's really inside those boxes. 261 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:24,356 - Cece, darling, how long we been friends? - What? 262 00:14:24,897 --> 00:14:27,058 - A week or so? - Have I ever steered you wrong? 263 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:28,760 - No. - Exactly. 264 00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:31,869 I know you better than anyone. You're acting like a lunatic. 265 00:14:32,137 --> 00:14:35,698 The kind other lunatics look at and go: "Oh, my God, that bitch a lunatic." 266 00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:39,644 I need you to figure out why you're really doing all this for Schmidt... 267 00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:45,308 ...and then sort it out. 268 00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:49,078 - You did not just say that to me. - Think about it, girl, shoot. 269 00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:51,516 To be clear, I didn't ask you to act like this. 270 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,124 I mean, it's just kind of fun. 271 00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:57,624 - Slow down, girl. - You gonna eat that scone? 272 00:14:57,863 --> 00:15:00,661 - Damn it. Are you gonna have the scone? - Slow down. 273 00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,967 Hey, man. 274 00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:07,832 Just looking at my Garbage Pail Kids. Jess makes me put them in a box. 275 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,167 How are you gonna put art like this in a box? 276 00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:14,312 - What's going on with you? - Nothing. 277 00:15:14,546 --> 00:15:16,673 You will not tell Nick you saw me here... 278 00:15:16,882 --> 00:15:19,544 ...because he'll get upset and I'll have to move into my old room. 279 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:24,416 And that means we suck as a couple and Abby was right, and I cannot let that happen. 280 00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:28,218 Jess went to a hotel because sharing a room with you is driving her crazy. 281 00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:30,928 [BABBLING] 282 00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:35,066 Dude, that really was a tough one to keep in, but I held my own, I did my best. 283 00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:38,998 Are you kidding me? I can't believe it. I changed in front of her. 284 00:15:39,238 --> 00:15:42,730 - Sharing a room was driving you crazy too. - But I didn't lie about it. 285 00:15:43,175 --> 00:15:45,769 I never get to win these things. 286 00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:50,176 So anyway, I just want to apologize. It was wrong of me to get involved. 287 00:15:50,416 --> 00:15:53,442 Are you sure you don't wanna tap Abby's phone? Run a DNA sample? 288 00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:55,677 I don't wanna be coarse, but the bedroom is covered in it. 289 00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:57,149 I was worried about you. 290 00:15:57,356 --> 00:16:01,520 Okay? I didn't want her to take advantage of you. Because I know that you will do... 291 00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:03,922 ...anything for the people that you care about. 292 00:16:05,764 --> 00:16:09,029 Well, I guess I could say the same thing about you. 293 00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:13,461 And, you know what, maybe Abby has changed. 294 00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:17,906 I'm thinking about helping Abby lease a storefront for herjewelry. 295 00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:20,476 - Is that crazy? - It's... 296 00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:23,475 It's amazing. Don't hold back. 297 00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:27,050 Here, I want you to have this. 298 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,584 Abby made it. 299 00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:34,185 It's a cough drop and these are hard candies. 300 00:16:34,393 --> 00:16:36,054 I see that. 301 00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:40,295 - I truly hate it. - You're welcome. 302 00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:45,402 - Oh, hey. - How was Sacramento? 303 00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:49,095 - Great. Kids cried when they saw the capital. - Oh, did they? 304 00:16:49,308 --> 00:16:50,605 - How many students? - Thirty. 305 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,708 - What hotel? - Old Sacramento Inn. 306 00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,242 - What room you stay in? - 523. 307 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:55,708 - What floor is that? - Five. 308 00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:57,711 - An elevator to the 4th? - Fifth floor. 309 00:16:57,950 --> 00:16:59,144 - Non-Smoking? - Smoking. 310 00:16:59,385 --> 00:17:01,353 - You don't smoke. - In Sacramento I do. 311 00:17:01,553 --> 00:17:02,713 - Breakfast? - Continental. 312 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:05,583 How are you this good at lying? I know you're making this up. 313 00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:09,322 You didn't go to Sacramento. You went to a hotel to be by yourself. 314 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,930 - Damn it, Winston. WINSTON: Nick loves being alone too. 315 00:17:13,165 --> 00:17:16,430 - Damn it, Winston. WINSTON: That's for my ding-a-ling. 316 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,796 - You didn't like living together either? - No, but it was your idea... 317 00:17:20,005 --> 00:17:23,873 ...and it seemed like the thing to do. But at least I didn't lie about, Jess. 318 00:17:24,143 --> 00:17:27,806 Okay, I did, but you were driving me crazy. You wear a nightgown. 319 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:31,778 - You talking about my long shirt? - You look like The Little Match Girl... 320 00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:36,751 ...wandering around Victorian England selling matches for a penny. 321 00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,513 I look like George Washington. 322 00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:42,488 I was just trying to be a good couple. Schmidt and Abby are doing it. 323 00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:45,663 Schmidt and Abby are crazy. They're doing a lot of things. 324 00:17:45,864 --> 00:17:47,331 Why can't we do this? 325 00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,996 I don't know. 326 00:17:53,505 --> 00:17:55,405 - Hey. - Hey. 327 00:17:55,674 --> 00:17:59,007 Uh-oh. Last time I saw you day-drinking, you got kicked out ofjazz ensemble. 328 00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:02,042 I'm still pissed off about that. 329 00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:06,081 - What does that mean, "too enthusiastic"? - How come you're not at the hotel? 330 00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:09,583 Did you and Nick break the bed? Legally, they cannot make you pay. 331 00:18:09,855 --> 00:18:14,349 - No, I was by myself. - Oh, I've broken the bed by myself. 332 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,790 - Big-time. - No, I went to the hotel... 333 00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:18,428 ...to get away from Nick. 334 00:18:18,697 --> 00:18:21,564 I wore a robe, I watched a documentary about Ethel Kennedy... 335 00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:24,167 ...and it was one of the best nights of my life. 336 00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:27,031 So you win. Your relationship's better than mine... 337 00:18:27,239 --> 00:18:29,104 ...I can't even share a room with Nick. 338 00:18:29,374 --> 00:18:31,205 I don't win. Come on. 339 00:18:31,410 --> 00:18:33,537 I swing from guy to guy. 340 00:18:33,745 --> 00:18:36,213 I don't think I have ever paid my own rent. 341 00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:38,507 You travel the world, collecting lovers. 342 00:18:38,750 --> 00:18:41,241 All of my lovers could fit in one SUV. 343 00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:46,390 And, yes, maybe somebody would have to sit on someone's lap, but they would fit. 344 00:18:46,592 --> 00:18:48,025 And you're just brave. 345 00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:49,625 You and Nick are brave. 346 00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:52,126 You know each other, get under each others' skin. 347 00:18:52,397 --> 00:18:55,628 - He has the feet of a hippie cult leader. - That's the difference. 348 00:18:55,868 --> 00:19:00,271 I just throw myself into whatever comes along because... 349 00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:03,441 ...I really don't wanna be alone. - Why not? 350 00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:08,272 Being alone's great. You should try it. It might help you figure yourself out. 351 00:19:09,515 --> 00:19:10,504 [SIGHS] 352 00:19:10,716 --> 00:19:14,345 You're Abby freaking Day. You can do whatever you want. 353 00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:18,548 - Except vote. - Ha-ha-ha. 354 00:19:18,757 --> 00:19:21,089 But seriously, you should have seen Nick's feet. 355 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:24,591 The bottoms are all black, except for one patch of yellow. 356 00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,092 [LAUGHS] 357 00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:32,167 - Hey. What are you doing? - Hey. 358 00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:34,871 Just packing up your things, and then... 359 00:19:35,073 --> 00:19:38,440 ...I thought about what you'd want and how you probably didn't want to move again... 360 00:19:38,644 --> 00:19:41,306 ...so I decided to do the right thing and take your room. 361 00:19:41,547 --> 00:19:43,674 - My room's bigger. Nice try. - Is it? I never... 362 00:19:44,049 --> 00:19:47,143 All right. I gotta move some stuff back, then. 363 00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:50,412 Hey. I'm sorry that this didn't work out. 364 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,950 - Sorry that we sucked. - Look, we don't suck. 365 00:19:54,159 --> 00:19:57,526 I'm crazy about you, but I don't have to spend every second with you... 366 00:19:57,729 --> 00:19:59,959 ...in what amounts to a one-room log cabin. 367 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:03,498 Cabins drove the Pilgrims crazy. That's why they killed each other... 368 00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,966 ...at the Plymouth Rock Massacre. - Not real. 369 00:20:06,438 --> 00:20:10,135 - So how did the millions of Pilgrims die? - There weren't millions of Pilgrims. 370 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:13,003 Then how do you explain my 37-page essay about it? 371 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:16,477 - You made it up in your head... - This is an agree to disagree moment. 372 00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:18,012 No. It's not. 373 00:20:18,584 --> 00:20:20,848 - I'm also older than you. - Anyway, I love you... 374 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:25,285 ...and someday we'll make this work. - I think so too. Just not now. Not like this. 375 00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:28,522 If you're not doing anything, want to come over? 376 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,455 I am over. 377 00:20:30,762 --> 00:20:31,729 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 378 00:20:32,698 --> 00:20:36,657 Hey, guys. Just a little hot goss from apartment 4C. 379 00:20:36,868 --> 00:20:38,631 - Abby's gone. - What? 380 00:20:38,837 --> 00:20:41,328 She's gonna stay with your mom for a little bit. 381 00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:44,566 Something about "saving up to be independent"? 382 00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,573 Wow. 383 00:20:46,778 --> 00:20:48,245 Good for her. 384 00:20:48,780 --> 00:20:50,372 - I'm sorry. - It's okay. 385 00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:54,018 In hindsight, maybe we moved a little bit too fast. 386 00:20:54,219 --> 00:20:57,245 Just wish that I realized that before I rented her a storefront. 387 00:20:57,522 --> 00:20:58,819 You rented her a storefront? 388 00:20:59,057 --> 00:21:01,753 Three-year lease in an undesirable neighborhood. 389 00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:04,394 Totally obliterated my bank account. 390 00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:08,088 I decided to sublet my place and I'll be moving back here under duress. 391 00:21:09,134 --> 00:21:11,261 - You're moving back? - Shouldn't be a problem. 392 00:21:11,536 --> 00:21:14,232 Coach is in my room, and you guys are moving in together. 393 00:21:14,506 --> 00:21:18,465 I'll just move into Jess' room. Cool? Asking was just kind of a formality. 394 00:21:18,677 --> 00:21:21,874 Because my name's on the lease, so... You guys are the best. 395 00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:23,411 Oh. 396 00:21:25,684 --> 00:21:26,981 [NICK SIGHS] 397 00:21:28,053 --> 00:21:30,487 - Yay. - Yay. 398 00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:32,779 - Cool. - Great. 399 00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:34,083 - Let's do this. - We can make it work. 400 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,420 You have to start washing your feet. Ripped By mstoll