1
00:00:19,450 --> 00:00:21,952
Thank you so much for having us
over for brunch, guys.

2
00:00:21,986 --> 00:00:24,121
It's the least that we could do
to celebrate the one-week anniversary

3
00:00:24,156 --> 00:00:27,057
of your sister moving in with me
and becoming my live-in lover.

4
00:00:27,091 --> 00:00:28,224
Was a little fast.

5
00:00:28,259 --> 00:00:29,625
Babe, you have syrup on your face.

6
00:00:29,660 --> 00:00:31,294
Oh, you can get it.
Mmm.

7
00:00:33,130 --> 00:00:34,464
Babe, you have some powdered sugar...

8
00:00:34,498 --> 00:00:35,998
(muffled): Back off! I'm starving!

9
00:00:36,033 --> 00:00:37,567
Come on. Just let me get it off.
It's so much.

10
00:00:37,601 --> 00:00:39,469
Get your own French toast, Jess!

11
00:00:39,503 --> 00:00:41,971
I got these slices,
so they're for me to eat.

12
00:00:42,005 --> 00:00:44,440
If you want the slices,
get your own slices.

13
00:00:44,474 --> 00:00:46,909
Coach: Um, that's
your fourth plate, Winston.

14
00:00:47,222 --> 00:00:48,944
I'm trying to bulk up
for the LAPD fitness exam.

15
00:00:48,978 --> 00:00:51,246
I am going to ace
this obstacle course.

16
00:00:51,281 --> 00:00:53,449
Schmidt, you got something crazy
around your neck.

17
00:00:53,483 --> 00:00:56,518
Abby made this. Look.
Ow. Look at that.

18
00:00:56,553 --> 00:00:58,820
- Not a fan.
- I forgot how much I love making jewelry.

19
00:00:58,854 --> 00:01:00,521
Schmidt's been lending me money
for supplies.

20
00:01:00,556 --> 00:01:02,923
- Yeah.
- Schmidt, are you bleeding?

21
00:01:02,958 --> 00:01:05,426
Oh, look at that.
I most certainly am. Wow.

22
00:01:05,461 --> 00:01:07,928
What makes Abby's jewelry
so interesting

23
00:01:07,963 --> 00:01:10,931
is that it's actually
dangerous and can cut you.

24
00:01:10,966 --> 00:01:12,700
Abby's gonna open up her own
store one day. Mark my words.

25
00:01:12,734 --> 00:01:14,034
- She shouldn't do that.
- Nope.

26
00:01:14,069 --> 00:01:16,269
I'm gonna open up
a store in your mouth.

27
00:01:16,304 --> 00:01:17,670
But now that you're living here,
I can have my old room back.

28
00:01:17,705 --> 00:01:20,140
Jess, I'm gonna need you gone by 5:00.

29
00:01:20,174 --> 00:01:23,876
- Done. I need a break from
Snore-a Ephron over here. - Okay.

30
00:01:23,911 --> 00:01:26,513
Oh, Schmidt and I don't need any space.
We have no boundaries.

31
00:01:26,547 --> 00:01:29,349
But I guess not everybody can
have what Schmidt and I have.

32
00:01:29,383 --> 00:01:31,117
You guys will probably get
there. Don't worry.

33
00:01:31,151 --> 00:01:32,684
Remember how long
it took you to get boobs?

34
00:01:32,719 --> 00:01:35,354
Yeah, but I started
shaving my legs at nine.

35
00:01:35,388 --> 00:01:38,457
So joke's on you.

36
00:01:38,492 --> 00:01:40,493
Mmm.

37
00:01:43,497 --> 00:01:45,864
Wait. We have so much sex.

38
00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:49,967
Don't try to eat the other
slice. I'm gonna get to it.

39
00:01:50,002 --> 00:01:52,203
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

40
00:01:52,238 --> 00:01:54,271
<i>♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪</i>

41
00:01:54,329 --> 00:01:55,359
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com

42
00:01:55,974 --> 00:01:57,779
Can you believe Abby and Schmidt?

43
00:01:57,929 --> 00:02:01,246
Yeah, tell me about it. Making love
at their own brunch? No class.

44
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,014
They're a fake couple. They're
not real. We're a real couple.

45
00:02:04,048 --> 00:02:06,016
If anyone should be moving
in together, it's us.

46
00:02:06,050 --> 00:02:07,684
Well, you know, we already live
in the same apartment.

47
00:02:07,718 --> 00:02:09,719
Right. So why not take
the extra step?

48
00:02:09,754 --> 00:02:12,055
We basically sleep in each
other's rooms every night,

49
00:02:12,089 --> 00:02:13,557
so what is the difference?

50
00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:14,924
It's a really big difference.

51
00:02:14,959 --> 00:02:16,926
Because right now we're roommates

52
00:02:16,961 --> 00:02:19,428
but we're not living together.
Not "living together."

53
00:02:19,463 --> 00:02:21,397
- You know?
- No.

54
00:02:21,494 --> 00:02:23,732
Living together is a step.
It's official.

55
00:02:23,767 --> 00:02:25,535
It's an official step
in a relationship.

56
00:02:25,569 --> 00:02:26,902
So the word "official" is the key.

57
00:02:26,936 --> 00:02:28,837
Abby and Schmidt did it
after one week.

58
00:02:28,872 --> 00:02:31,907
Come on. We have so much left
to learn about each other,

59
00:02:31,941 --> 00:02:34,076
stuff you can only learn
if you're crammed together

60
00:02:34,110 --> 00:02:36,545
in a small space
and you can't get out.

61
00:02:36,579 --> 00:02:38,413
Just you and me.
Four walls.

62
00:02:38,447 --> 00:02:40,014
No boundaries, no escape.

63
00:02:40,049 --> 00:02:42,016
When you put it like that,
it sounds amazing.

64
00:02:42,051 --> 00:02:44,018
- And like prison.
- Well, I feel like

65
00:02:44,053 --> 00:02:47,021
if we get tired of each other,
I can always run across the hall

66
00:02:47,056 --> 00:02:50,358
to my room. It's so close.
Just pop over there.

67
00:02:50,393 --> 00:02:51,525
Mm.

68
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,394
- Do you not want to?
- Whoa.

69
00:02:53,428 --> 00:02:54,662
(whistles)

70
00:02:54,696 --> 00:02:56,797
I did not...

71
00:02:56,831 --> 00:03:00,934
- That did not...
- So you're saying you do want to?

72
00:03:00,968 --> 00:03:02,369
(chuckles)

73
00:03:02,404 --> 00:03:04,104
Oh, my God,

74
00:03:04,138 --> 00:03:06,139
Nick, we're moving in together!

75
00:03:06,174 --> 00:03:07,740
- Officially? We just agreed on it?
- Yes!

76
00:03:07,774 --> 00:03:10,643
Yes! I cannot think
of a reason why not to.

77
00:03:10,678 --> 00:03:13,913
Reason 13: I like my stuff
and I hate her stuff.

78
00:03:13,947 --> 00:03:16,916
Reason number 14: How am I
ever gonna change my clothes?

79
00:03:16,950 --> 00:03:18,084
You don't change in front
of your girlfriend?

80
00:03:18,118 --> 00:03:19,719
You get naked in front of her.

81
00:03:19,753 --> 00:03:22,121
Yes, but those are different things.
When you're naked,

82
00:03:22,155 --> 00:03:24,122
you're powerful
and it's glorious.

83
00:03:24,156 --> 00:03:25,890
When you're changing,
you're hunched over

84
00:03:25,925 --> 00:03:27,426
and cowering, like an animal.

85
00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:28,727
Animals don't wear clothes, Nick.

86
00:03:28,761 --> 00:03:30,329
All I'm saying is I need my space.

87
00:03:30,363 --> 00:03:32,397
True intimacy. Embrace that.

88
00:03:32,432 --> 00:03:35,800
Abby and I, we have one sponge.

89
00:03:35,835 --> 00:03:39,170
And we use it for everything.

90
00:03:39,205 --> 00:03:42,216
I don't like that,
but you seem happy.

91
00:03:42,316 --> 00:03:45,776
Don't hold back, Nick. Expose
your cracks and love will fill them.

92
00:03:45,810 --> 00:03:47,478
- That's nice.
- Thank you.

93
00:03:47,512 --> 00:03:49,247
Do you know how hard
it's been for me to take

94
00:03:49,281 --> 00:03:51,115
this conversation seriously
while you're wearing

95
00:03:51,149 --> 00:03:54,118
- that thing around your neck?
- It's an Iroquois throat band.

96
00:03:54,152 --> 00:03:56,453
- That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
- Yeah, you're jealous.

97
00:03:56,487 --> 00:03:58,955
- No, I'm not.
- It's not just a choker, it's story.

98
00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:01,824
What's the story?
She didn't have enough supplies?

99
00:04:01,859 --> 00:04:03,860
- I'm not through the whole thing yet.
- I got to tell you, man, looking

100
00:04:03,894 --> 00:04:05,995
at that thing,
the sex must be awesome.

101
00:04:06,029 --> 00:04:08,665
<i>Coach: Cece and I have been
hanging out a lot more lately.</i>

102
00:04:08,699 --> 00:04:10,634
She sort of treats me like I'm
one of her girl friends, and...

103
00:04:10,668 --> 00:04:12,601
(strained):
You don't like it?

104
00:04:12,636 --> 00:04:14,069
I love it. I mean,

105
00:04:14,103 --> 00:04:15,437
usually, when I'm friends
with a girl, I'm either trying

106
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:17,439
to get that butt or she's trying
to get this butt.

107
00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:19,441
But with Cece,
it's not about the butt.

108
00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:22,278
(chuckles) It's not about
the butt, man. It's cool.

109
00:04:22,312 --> 00:04:25,978
- It's like... We're like... sisters.
- What?

110
00:04:26,148 --> 00:04:28,283
Coach. Hey, do you have,
uh, Schmidt's keys?

111
00:04:28,317 --> 00:04:29,950
Kind of got a weird favor to ask.

112
00:04:29,985 --> 00:04:32,387
It's only weird
if you don't ask, girl. (laughs)

113
00:04:32,421 --> 00:04:35,156
- What?
- That's what I'm talking about.

114
00:04:35,190 --> 00:04:36,691
(meows)

115
00:04:36,725 --> 00:04:39,026
(grunts) You know
I'm doing this for you, right?

116
00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:40,662
- Somewhere...
- This is great.

117
00:04:40,696 --> 00:04:42,163
(chuckles)
What are we doing?

118
00:04:42,197 --> 00:04:44,164
We are snooping on Abby.

119
00:04:44,198 --> 00:04:46,900
- Oh, love it.
- I do not trust that girl.

120
00:04:46,934 --> 00:04:49,536
She's always working an angle.
Now she's got Schmidt all

121
00:04:49,570 --> 00:04:51,371
wrapped up, giving her money
for "jewelry."

122
00:04:51,406 --> 00:04:54,474
Treachery!
(Coach screams)

123
00:04:54,509 --> 00:04:56,876
First, they came for my
silverware and I said nothing.

124
00:04:56,911 --> 00:04:59,478
- What's up, dawg?
- What are you guys doing here?

125
00:04:59,513 --> 00:05:02,315
Schmidt, I know that Abby is fun
and she is charming,

126
00:05:02,349 --> 00:05:04,483
but I'm telling you, she's bad news.

127
00:05:04,518 --> 00:05:06,352
Is that why you guys are sorting
through my garbage?

128
00:05:06,386 --> 00:05:09,254
I appreciate the concern, you
guys, but Abby has changed.

129
00:05:09,289 --> 00:05:11,990
Coach: Then how do you explain this?

130
00:05:12,025 --> 00:05:13,592
I put my coffee grounds
in a plastic bag

131
00:05:13,627 --> 00:05:15,194
so it doesn't get the rest
of my trash dirty.

132
00:05:15,228 --> 00:05:16,361
- Really?
- Yeah, he does that.

133
00:05:16,363 --> 00:05:17,696
You got clean-ass trash, man.

134
00:05:17,730 --> 00:05:20,365
I don't even need gloves for this.

135
00:05:20,399 --> 00:05:22,266
Quit sorting through my trash, Coach.
You're messing it all up.

136
00:05:22,301 --> 00:05:25,670
Schmidt, you've known this girl
for a couple weeks, okay?

137
00:05:25,705 --> 00:05:28,606
I've known her for 20 years,
and, I am telling you,

138
00:05:28,641 --> 00:05:31,709
she's not to be trusted.

139
00:05:31,743 --> 00:05:34,044
Your words are changing his
opinions about things.

140
00:05:34,078 --> 00:05:35,446
(chuckles)
Up top.

141
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,114
Mm.

142
00:05:38,149 --> 00:05:39,883
You two as friends is a real bummer.

143
00:05:39,917 --> 00:05:41,518
I'm not into it.

144
00:05:41,553 --> 00:05:43,854
<i>Jess: Our first night living together.</i>

145
00:05:43,888 --> 00:05:45,055
I'm just excited.

146
00:05:45,089 --> 00:05:49,659
Expose your cracks
and love will fill them.

147
00:05:51,729 --> 00:05:53,262
I'm changing.

148
00:05:53,296 --> 00:05:55,097
Great. I'm reading.

149
00:05:55,131 --> 00:05:57,533
Okay.

150
00:05:57,568 --> 00:05:59,969
Yeah, I'm just gonna
take my pants off.

151
00:06:00,003 --> 00:06:00,970
Okay.

152
00:06:01,004 --> 00:06:02,405
(grumbling)

153
00:06:02,439 --> 00:06:04,373
You know, I've seen you
naked before, right?

154
00:06:05,641 --> 00:06:06,941
What's going on there?

155
00:06:06,976 --> 00:06:09,043
Oh! Never changed in
front of a woman.

156
00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:11,946
- You know, mostly you just hook up and...
- Really?

157
00:06:11,981 --> 00:06:13,081
Are you serious?

158
00:06:16,486 --> 00:06:19,320
All right, I'm gonna read.

159
00:06:19,355 --> 00:06:20,688
(clears throat)

160
00:06:22,123 --> 00:06:24,692
Okay. Here we go.

161
00:06:26,695 --> 00:06:28,262
(Nick moans)

162
00:06:28,296 --> 00:06:29,563
Yeah, it's...

163
00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:30,998
Just gonna put this on here.

164
00:06:31,032 --> 00:06:32,767
What is that?

165
00:06:32,801 --> 00:06:34,435
Oh, this is my long shirt.

166
00:06:34,469 --> 00:06:36,436
- (snorts)
- Yeah. Oh.

167
00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:38,838
That's why you're laughing.
I had it on the wrong way.

168
00:06:38,873 --> 00:06:43,075
(laughs) That must have been
funny-looking the way it was.

169
00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:45,578
I've never broken it out
before you because, you know,

170
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:47,246
we didn't live
together, but...

171
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:51,017
it keeps the top really warm
and lets my bottom breathe.

172
00:06:51,051 --> 00:06:54,085
- And so... yeah.
- Why does your bottom need to breathe?

173
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,655
Well, it's like a plant.

174
00:06:56,689 --> 00:06:58,424
Needs sun and air to survive.

175
00:06:58,458 --> 00:07:00,426
Never mind. Um... I like it.

176
00:07:00,460 --> 00:07:02,494
- Um... yeah.
- Great.

177
00:07:02,529 --> 00:07:03,762
I like it.

178
00:07:03,797 --> 00:07:06,498
(grunts)

179
00:07:06,533 --> 00:07:08,299
Okay.

180
00:07:08,333 --> 00:07:10,134
- This is great.
- This is great.

181
00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:11,602
I'm excited.

182
00:07:11,637 --> 00:07:13,738
Me, too.

183
00:07:19,377 --> 00:07:21,178
- What are you doing to the pillow?
- I'm trying to get comfortable.

184
00:07:21,212 --> 00:07:23,013
Oh, okay.

185
00:07:23,048 --> 00:07:25,014
Got it.

186
00:07:25,049 --> 00:07:26,850
Got it.

187
00:07:26,884 --> 00:07:28,452
I can't...

188
00:07:28,486 --> 00:07:29,820
I'm gonna go to sleep.

189
00:07:29,854 --> 00:07:31,822
- Turn off the light.
- Great.

190
00:07:31,856 --> 00:07:33,857
Mm.

191
00:07:34,892 --> 00:07:36,526
Ow!

192
00:07:36,561 --> 00:07:38,862
What? So-Sorry. Sorry.

193
00:07:38,896 --> 00:07:41,564
- What the hell is that nightmare?
- I just... have to...

194
00:07:41,598 --> 00:07:43,933
Sorry.

195
00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:47,670
- Just reading.
- Yeah. You know what I'm gonna do?

196
00:07:47,704 --> 00:07:48,958
I'm gonna sleep
with my head over there.

197
00:07:49,121 --> 00:07:51,039
Okay.

198
00:07:51,074 --> 00:07:53,075
Yeah, that's... That's
gonna be better for me.

199
00:08:01,717 --> 00:08:04,352
You know what, I'm gonna
get some water.

200
00:08:04,386 --> 00:08:06,387
(muffled music playing)

201
00:08:09,758 --> 00:08:12,325
- Oh, hey.
- My room looks totally different.

202
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:13,660
Turned it into a workout space.

203
00:08:13,695 --> 00:08:15,362
I am so glad it opened up.

204
00:08:15,396 --> 00:08:18,064
Oh, why didn't we do this sooner?

205
00:08:19,968 --> 00:08:21,969
Crab walk.

206
00:08:23,905 --> 00:08:26,239
You don't know where
a crab's gonna go.

207
00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:27,707
And you know what?

208
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,408
Where does the crab go? Oh!

209
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,243
Oh, aah!

210
00:08:31,277 --> 00:08:32,812
Owie.

211
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,618
(elevator bell dings)

212
00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:41,854
Hi. Just enjoying the peace and quiet.

213
00:08:42,822 --> 00:08:44,823
Whoa, hold up.

214
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:45,902
Hey, Jess, what are you doing?

215
00:08:46,002 --> 00:08:49,294
Oh, I just, you know, sometimes
I work in the elevator now.

216
00:08:49,328 --> 00:08:51,730
(whispers): You know,
helping some of the older residents.

217
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,398
Hmm?
(elevator bell dings)

218
00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:56,433
(loudly):
This is your floor, ma'am.

219
00:09:00,072 --> 00:09:02,506
So, how are things going with
you and Schmidt living together?

220
00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:05,576
I have never felt so clean
while being so dirty.

221
00:09:05,610 --> 00:09:08,046
- Awesome.
- Last night, Schmidt wanted

222
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,347
to take me to a hotel, but
we could not even get out

223
00:09:10,382 --> 00:09:12,649
of the loft without ripping
each other's clothes off.

224
00:09:12,684 --> 00:09:13,834
Oh, that's our thing, too.

225
00:09:13,986 --> 00:09:16,319
We have the hotel until tomorrow
night and it's all paid up.

226
00:09:16,353 --> 00:09:18,354
You guys might as well use it.
Take it off our hands.

227
00:09:18,389 --> 00:09:19,856
(elevator bell dings)

228
00:09:21,225 --> 00:09:22,559
Lobby, please.

229
00:09:22,593 --> 00:09:24,594
(mouths words)

230
00:09:27,597 --> 00:09:30,566
Wait, I forgot Bernie.

231
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,568
Hold the elevator.

232
00:09:32,602 --> 00:09:36,605
Bernie, Bernie,
where are you, you idiot?

233
00:09:36,639 --> 00:09:38,340
I'll just be here, waiting.

234
00:09:38,374 --> 00:09:41,077
<i>Winston: So, Nick, the police academy
training is going well, but</i>

235
00:09:41,111 --> 00:09:44,345
I'm a little worried about
the rings, because of the...

236
00:09:44,379 --> 00:09:46,748
you know... the incident.

237
00:09:46,782 --> 00:09:48,282
(laughter)

238
00:09:48,317 --> 00:09:49,951
Shut up, you guys,
I can do this.

239
00:09:49,985 --> 00:09:52,486
No, Miller, no, Miller, no!

240
00:09:52,521 --> 00:09:54,856
(laughter)

241
00:09:56,158 --> 00:09:57,859
(laughs)

242
00:09:59,728 --> 00:10:02,295
I'm sor... I got big laughs. You got
to give the people what they want.

243
00:10:02,330 --> 00:10:05,799
Everybody saw my ding-a-ling,
Nick. My ding-a-ling.

244
00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:07,768
I've got an issue that's
more important than this.

245
00:10:07,802 --> 00:10:11,105
Ever since Jess moved in, I
haven't had a second to myself.

246
00:10:11,139 --> 00:10:13,373
You see what she's done
to my writer's desk?

247
00:10:13,407 --> 00:10:15,374
It's like an arts and
crafts area now, man.

248
00:10:15,408 --> 00:10:16,609
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

249
00:10:16,643 --> 00:10:18,745
I'm staying at a hotel tonight.

250
00:10:18,779 --> 00:10:20,379
Not alone. With other people.

251
00:10:20,413 --> 00:10:23,315
I have to chaperone a field trip
to Sacramento, so...

252
00:10:23,350 --> 00:10:25,218
You know what, you seem too
busy to talk about it. Go, go.

253
00:10:25,252 --> 00:10:27,419
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you.

254
00:10:27,454 --> 00:10:28,921
Wait, weren't you
just saying how you...

255
00:10:28,956 --> 00:10:30,822
Whoa, dude!
(Jess laughs)

256
00:10:30,857 --> 00:10:32,991
- Good one, Nick. Bye.
- Bye, yeah.

257
00:10:33,025 --> 00:10:35,560
That, uh, I'm, uh, I'm sorry.

258
00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:36,995
Schmidt:
I can't believe I let you guys

259
00:10:37,029 --> 00:10:39,097
talk me into tailing
my own girlfriend.

260
00:10:39,132 --> 00:10:41,599
Cece: Look at this neighborhood,
Schmidt, she is up to no good.

261
00:10:41,634 --> 00:10:44,335
I feel very uncomfortable
being here, I trust Abby,

262
00:10:44,370 --> 00:10:45,971
I don't want to spy
on her any more, okay?

263
00:10:46,005 --> 00:10:48,505
We're not spying.
We're just carefully watching.

264
00:10:48,539 --> 00:10:50,074
Girlfriend is going down.

265
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:52,810
- Yeah, she is.
- Let us bust her, buster.

266
00:10:52,844 --> 00:10:54,311
(giggles)
That was a good one.

267
00:10:54,345 --> 00:10:55,913
That was.
Yeah. Okay.

268
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,848
(both sigh)

269
00:10:57,948 --> 00:11:00,450
This dynamic between the two of you...
It's very annoying to me.

270
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:02,619
- I'm sure I'm not alone on this.
- Hi, hater.

271
00:11:02,654 --> 00:11:04,854
- Bye, hater. - Okay, enough is enough.
I'm getting out of here.

272
00:11:04,889 --> 00:11:06,489
- Hey, it's my car...
- Guys, guys.

273
00:11:06,523 --> 00:11:08,624
I don't care whose
car it is, I'm going.

274
00:11:08,659 --> 00:11:09,926
- I don't care who...
- It's my car.

275
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,661
- Oh.
- Aah!

276
00:11:11,695 --> 00:11:14,297
(gasps)
Great.

277
00:11:14,331 --> 00:11:15,832
Hit a parked car
in the same neighborhood

278
00:11:15,866 --> 00:11:18,001
<i>they shot friggin' Children of Men.</i>

279
00:11:26,142 --> 00:11:27,943
Yeah!

280
00:11:27,977 --> 00:11:31,479
I'm alone!

281
00:11:31,514 --> 00:11:33,548
(laughs)

282
00:11:33,582 --> 00:11:34,882
Yeah.

283
00:11:34,917 --> 00:11:36,884
♪ I made my reservation

284
00:11:36,919 --> 00:11:38,452
♪ I'm leaving town tomorrow
(yells happily)

285
00:11:38,486 --> 00:11:40,855
♪ I'll find somebody new...
(grunts, laughs)

286
00:11:40,889 --> 00:11:45,693
I'm alone and I love it.

287
00:11:45,727 --> 00:11:49,330
Coffee for one,
a sundae for one,

288
00:11:49,364 --> 00:11:52,999
and the most tasteful,
story-driven

289
00:11:53,034 --> 00:11:54,734
(whispers) adult film.

290
00:11:54,768 --> 00:11:56,736
Preferably a period piece.

291
00:11:56,770 --> 00:11:58,238
The farther in the past, the better.

292
00:11:58,272 --> 00:11:59,706
You know what
I'm talking about, girl.

293
00:11:59,740 --> 00:12:04,211
(sobs)

294
00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:08,147
Do you have anything
in the Byzantine Era?

295
00:12:08,181 --> 00:12:12,417
No? All right,
just a shot in the dark.

296
00:12:12,452 --> 00:12:14,519
♪ Clang, clang, clang,
went the trolley... ♪

297
00:12:14,554 --> 00:12:17,089
(sobbing): It's so little.

298
00:12:17,123 --> 00:12:18,924
It's so little.

299
00:12:18,959 --> 00:12:21,160
♪ Bump, bump, bump
went my heartstrings ♪

300
00:12:21,194 --> 00:12:24,028
♪ When he smiled,
I could feel the car shake... ♪

301
00:12:24,063 --> 00:12:25,763
(pounding on wall): I'm trying to sleep!
- Okay!

302
00:12:25,797 --> 00:12:27,732
- Which ding is ours?
- Which ding is ours?

303
00:12:27,766 --> 00:12:30,101
Coach, there are
knife holes in the door.

304
00:12:30,135 --> 00:12:31,628
What does it matter?
Let's get out of here.

305
00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:34,005
At least write "sorry" and put it under
the windshield wiper...

306
00:12:34,039 --> 00:12:35,340
There are none.

307
00:12:35,374 --> 00:12:38,776
Uh... Maybe put it under
the dead bird's leg?

308
00:12:38,810 --> 00:12:40,710
- Hobo!
- Aah, there's a dude!

309
00:12:40,745 --> 00:12:42,012
(screaming)
Ho-ho-hobo, for real!

310
00:12:42,046 --> 00:12:43,580
- Hobo!
- Son of a bitch

311
00:12:43,614 --> 00:12:44,948
Hobo.

312
00:12:44,983 --> 00:12:45,983
Thank you, Jingles.

313
00:12:46,017 --> 00:12:47,384
You got it, girl.

314
00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:48,952
Hey. What are
you guys doing here?

315
00:12:48,987 --> 00:12:50,453
Tailing me?

316
00:12:50,488 --> 00:12:52,722
- No. Um...
- Yes, we're tailing you.

317
00:12:52,757 --> 00:12:54,858
I know how you work:

318
00:12:54,892 --> 00:12:57,193
You glom onto guys and
then you just bleed them dry.

319
00:12:57,227 --> 00:12:59,228
Well, you are not
gonna do it to Schmidt.

320
00:13:02,065 --> 00:13:03,732
What's in the box?

321
00:13:06,603 --> 00:13:08,271
Tell us what's in the box.

322
00:13:11,807 --> 00:13:13,275
Zippers.

323
00:13:13,309 --> 00:13:14,609
What?

324
00:13:14,643 --> 00:13:17,812
(laughs) Z... Zippers, you guys.

325
00:13:17,846 --> 00:13:19,247
Guy up there'll
give you a great deal.

326
00:13:19,282 --> 00:13:20,382
He also loves crack.

327
00:13:20,416 --> 00:13:22,784
Can we go now?

328
00:13:22,818 --> 00:13:24,019
Thank you, Abby, let's go.

329
00:13:27,255 --> 00:13:28,588
My car is gone.

330
00:13:28,623 --> 00:13:30,958
Well, that's not surprising.

331
00:13:34,702 --> 00:13:36,636
Oh, you can do this.
You can do this, Winnie.

332
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:45,344
What are you doing here?

333
00:13:45,378 --> 00:13:46,812
On a school day?

334
00:13:46,847 --> 00:13:48,881
I see this means
you're the cutting type.

335
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:51,650
Which means you're the pantsing type.

336
00:13:51,684 --> 00:13:53,618
Well, I got news for you, buddy.

337
00:13:53,653 --> 00:13:54,653
You ain't getting 'em!

338
00:13:54,687 --> 00:13:55,720
Not today.

339
00:13:55,754 --> 00:13:57,688
How 'bout I take your pants, huh?

340
00:13:57,723 --> 00:13:59,457
Not like that, everybody!

341
00:13:59,491 --> 00:14:01,192
I'm not trying to take
the little kid's pants.

342
00:14:01,227 --> 00:14:02,861
He's trying to take my pants.

343
00:14:02,895 --> 00:14:04,896
You see how he's eyeing my pants?

344
00:14:04,930 --> 00:14:06,297
So I eyed his pants...

345
00:14:06,332 --> 00:14:08,032
You know what?

346
00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:09,400
You win.

347
00:14:09,434 --> 00:14:10,835
You win, you little son of a bitch.

348
00:14:10,869 --> 00:14:12,702
You win!

349
00:14:12,737 --> 00:14:14,905
I don't want to tell you
how to police your beach,

350
00:14:14,939 --> 00:14:16,673
but right now there are truants

351
00:14:16,707 --> 00:14:18,976
outside of this hotel,
stirring up trouble.

352
00:14:19,010 --> 00:14:20,643
Hey, yo, lookin' good, Charlie!

353
00:14:20,678 --> 00:14:23,613
Debbie, see you at 1:00
on the massage table.

354
00:14:24,949 --> 00:14:26,216
Winston.

355
00:14:32,990 --> 00:14:34,423
Mm.

356
00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:36,492
We are gonna sneak into Schmidt's

357
00:14:36,526 --> 00:14:38,261
and see what's really
inside those boxes.

358
00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:40,096
- Cece, darling...
- Hmm?

359
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:42,198
- What?
- How long have we been friends?

360
00:14:42,232 --> 00:14:43,664
A week or so?

361
00:14:43,699 --> 00:14:45,901
- And have I ever steered you wrong?
- Well, no...

362
00:14:45,935 --> 00:14:48,503
Exactly. Because I know you
better than anyone, girl.

363
00:14:48,537 --> 00:14:49,737
And you're acting like a lunatic.

364
00:14:49,772 --> 00:14:52,274
I mean, the kind of lunatic
other lunatics look at and go,

365
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:53,441
"Oh, my God,
that bitch a lunatic."

366
00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:56,211
So I'm gonna need you
to figure out why you're

367
00:14:56,245 --> 00:14:57,412
really doing all this for Schmidt...

368
00:14:59,881 --> 00:15:03,117
...and then sort it out.

369
00:15:03,151 --> 00:15:05,352
You did not just say that to me.

370
00:15:05,387 --> 00:15:06,921
Think about it, girl.
Shoot...

371
00:15:06,955 --> 00:15:09,256
Just to be clear, I did not ask
you to act like this, okay?

372
00:15:09,291 --> 00:15:12,477
- It's just kind of fun to do...
- Slow down, girl.

373
00:15:13,461 --> 00:15:14,211
You gonna eat that scone?

374
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:15,833
- Damn it.
- Slow down.

375
00:15:15,883 --> 00:15:18,464
Are you-are you gonna have this scone?

376
00:15:18,498 --> 00:15:20,733
- Hey, man.
- Hey, man.

377
00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:23,136
Just looking at my Garbage Pail Kids.

378
00:15:23,170 --> 00:15:25,471
Jess makes me put 'em in a box.

379
00:15:25,505 --> 00:15:27,941
How are you gonna put art
like this in a box?

380
00:15:29,443 --> 00:15:30,410
What's going on with you?

381
00:15:30,444 --> 00:15:32,110
Nothing...

382
00:15:32,145 --> 00:15:33,611
You will not tell Nick

383
00:15:33,646 --> 00:15:35,380
that you saw me here
because then he'll get upset

384
00:15:35,415 --> 00:15:37,215
and I'm gonna have to move
into my old room,

385
00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:40,419
and that means that we suck as
a couple and that Abby was right

386
00:15:40,453 --> 00:15:42,254
and I cannot let that happen.

387
00:15:42,288 --> 00:15:43,989
Jess went to a hotel
because sharing a room with you

388
00:15:44,023 --> 00:15:45,190
is driving her crazy.

389
00:15:46,092 --> 00:15:48,692
(relieved moaning)

390
00:15:48,726 --> 00:15:50,627
Dude, at really was
a tough one to keep in,

391
00:15:50,662 --> 00:15:51,795
but, honestly,
I held my own and I did

392
00:15:51,830 --> 00:15:53,797
- my best.
- Are you kidding me?!

393
00:15:53,832 --> 00:15:56,767
I can't believe it!
I changed in front of her!

394
00:15:56,801 --> 00:15:58,436
Sharing a room
is driving you crazy, too.

395
00:15:58,470 --> 00:16:00,438
But I didn't lie about it.

396
00:16:00,472 --> 00:16:03,974
I never get to win these things.

397
00:16:04,008 --> 00:16:05,608
So, anyway, I just want
to apologize.

398
00:16:05,642 --> 00:16:07,944
It was wrong of me to get involved.

399
00:16:07,979 --> 00:16:10,580
Are you sure you don't want to tap
Abby's phone? Run a DNA sample?

400
00:16:10,614 --> 00:16:13,450
I don't want to be coarse, but
the bedroom is covered in it.

401
00:16:13,484 --> 00:16:15,285
I was worried about you, okay?

402
00:16:15,319 --> 00:16:16,953
I didn't want her
to take advantage of you

403
00:16:16,988 --> 00:16:18,955
'cause I know that you will do...

404
00:16:18,989 --> 00:16:21,656
anything for the people
that you care about.

405
00:16:23,326 --> 00:16:26,795
Well, I guess I could say
the same thing about you.

406
00:16:28,598 --> 00:16:31,300
And, you know what,
maybe Abby has changed.

407
00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:34,636
I'm thinking about helping Abby
lease a storefront

408
00:16:34,670 --> 00:16:36,471
- for her jewelry.
- Is that crazy?

409
00:16:36,505 --> 00:16:39,307
- It's...
- (chuckles)

410
00:16:39,341 --> 00:16:41,275
It's amazing. Don't hold back.

411
00:16:41,310 --> 00:16:43,478
Here. Here, I want you
to have this.

412
00:16:43,512 --> 00:16:45,946
- Oh.
- Abby made it.

413
00:16:45,981 --> 00:16:47,181
Oh...

414
00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:48,349
Mm...

415
00:16:48,384 --> 00:16:50,784
It's a cough
drop and...

416
00:16:50,819 --> 00:16:53,020
- these are hard candies.
- I see that.

417
00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:56,423
I... truly hate it.

418
00:16:56,457 --> 00:16:58,091
You're welcome.

419
00:16:58,126 --> 00:17:00,193
(sighs)

420
00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:01,118
- Oh.
- Oh, hey.

421
00:17:01,495 --> 00:17:02,511
How was Sacramento?

422
00:17:02,551 --> 00:17:05,047
It was great. The kids cried
when they saw the capital.

423
00:17:05,213 --> 00:17:07,109
Oh, did they?
How many students showed up?

424
00:17:07,144 --> 00:17:08,079
30.

425
00:17:08,168 --> 00:17:10,503
- What hotel did you stay at?
- Old Sacramento Inn.

426
00:17:10,537 --> 00:17:12,004
- What room did you stay in?
- 523.

427
00:17:12,039 --> 00:17:13,506
- What floor was that on?
- Five.

428
00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:15,508
- Was there an elevator to the 4th floor?
- 5th floor.

429
00:17:15,542 --> 00:17:16,942
- Smoking or non-smoking?
- Smoking.

430
00:17:16,976 --> 00:17:19,145
- You don't smoke.
- In Sacramento, I do.

431
00:17:19,179 --> 00:17:20,479
- What'd you have for breakfast?
- Continental.

432
00:17:20,514 --> 00:17:22,314
How are you this good
at lying?! I know

433
00:17:22,349 --> 00:17:24,449
you're making this all up!
I know you didn't go

434
00:17:24,483 --> 00:17:27,118
to Sacramento. I know you went
to a hotel to be by yourself.

435
00:17:27,153 --> 00:17:30,655
- Damn it, Winston!
- Nick loved being alone, too!

436
00:17:30,689 --> 00:17:33,525
- Damn it, Winston!
- That's for my ding-a-ling!

437
00:17:33,559 --> 00:17:35,509
You didn't like living
together either?

438
00:17:35,678 --> 00:17:39,130
No, but it was your idea, and
it seemed like the thing to do.

439
00:17:39,165 --> 00:17:41,666
But at least I didn't lie
about it, Jess.

440
00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:43,868
Okay, I did!
But you were driving me crazy.

441
00:17:43,902 --> 00:17:45,636
(quietly):
You wear a nightgown.

442
00:17:45,671 --> 00:17:47,004
Are you talking about my long shirt?

443
00:17:47,039 --> 00:17:49,406
You look like the Little Match Girl,

444
00:17:49,441 --> 00:17:54,545
wandering around Victorian England
selling matches for a penny.

445
00:17:54,580 --> 00:17:58,181
- I look like George Washington.
- I was just trying to be a good couple.

446
00:17:58,215 --> 00:17:59,528
Schmidt and Abby are doing it.

447
00:17:59,548 --> 00:18:02,819
Well, Schmidt and Abby are crazy.
They're doing a lot of things.

448
00:18:02,853 --> 00:18:05,088
Why can't we do this?

449
00:18:05,122 --> 00:18:07,090
I don't know.

450
00:18:10,928 --> 00:18:12,006
- Hey.
- Hey.

451
00:18:12,169 --> 00:18:14,730
Uh-oh. Last time
I saw you day-drinking

452
00:18:14,764 --> 00:18:16,765
was when you got kicked out
of jazz ensemble.

453
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,602
I'm still pissed off about that.

454
00:18:19,636 --> 00:18:21,602
What does that mean,
"too enthusiastic"?

455
00:18:21,889 --> 00:18:25,007
How come you're not at the hotel?
Did you and Nick break the bed?

456
00:18:25,041 --> 00:18:27,375
Because, legally, they cannot
make you pay for that.

457
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:28,576
No. I was by myself.

458
00:18:28,611 --> 00:18:31,412
Oh, I've broken the bed
by myself.

459
00:18:31,446 --> 00:18:33,047
Big-time.

460
00:18:33,082 --> 00:18:36,217
No, I went to the hotel
to get away from Nick.

461
00:18:36,251 --> 00:18:39,420
And I wore a robe and I watched
a documentary about Ethel Kennedy

462
00:18:39,454 --> 00:18:41,889
and it was one
of the best nights of my life.

463
00:18:41,924 --> 00:18:43,591
- So you win.
- Your relationship's

464
00:18:43,625 --> 00:18:46,860
better than mine. And I can't
even share a room with Nick.

465
00:18:46,894 --> 00:18:48,595
I don't win. Come on.

466
00:18:48,630 --> 00:18:51,031
I swing from guy to guy.

467
00:18:51,065 --> 00:18:53,967
I don't think
I have ever paid my own rent.

468
00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:56,269
You travel the world,
collecting lovers.

469
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:59,039
All my lovers
could fit in one SUV.

470
00:18:59,073 --> 00:19:01,874
And, yes, maybe somebody would
have to sit on someone's lap,

471
00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:03,876
but they would fit.

472
00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:05,778
And you're just... brave.

473
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,613
You and Nick are brave.

474
00:19:07,648 --> 00:19:09,915
You guys know each other,
you get under each other's skin.

475
00:19:09,950 --> 00:19:12,084
He has the feet
of a hippy cult leader.

476
00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:14,286
But that's the difference.
I just throw myself

477
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,921
into whatever comes along
because...

478
00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:19,658
I really don't want to be alone.

479
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:21,926
Why not? Being alone's great.

480
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,762
You should try it sometime.

481
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:25,997
Seriously. It might help you
figure yourself out.

482
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:28,266
(sighs)

483
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:30,101
You're Abby Freaking Day.

484
00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:32,102
You can do whatever you want.

485
00:19:33,772 --> 00:19:35,105
Except vote.

486
00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:37,107
(laughs)
But, seriously,

487
00:19:37,142 --> 00:19:38,842
you should've seen Nick's feet.

488
00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:42,345
The bottoms are all black,
except for one patch of yellow.

489
00:19:42,380 --> 00:19:43,547
(laughs)

490
00:19:47,488 --> 00:19:48,477
- Hey.
- Hey.

491
00:19:48,497 --> 00:19:49,250
- What are you doing?
- Oh,

492
00:19:49,757 --> 00:19:51,891
just packing up your things
and then I...

493
00:19:51,926 --> 00:19:54,460
thought about what you would
want and how you probably didn't

494
00:19:54,495 --> 00:19:57,463
want to move again, so I decided
to do the right thing

495
00:19:57,498 --> 00:19:58,798
and just take your room.

496
00:19:58,833 --> 00:20:00,366
- My room's bigger.
- Is it? I never...

497
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,435
- Nice try.
- All right.

498
00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:03,802
I got to move some stuff back then.

499
00:20:03,837 --> 00:20:05,370
- (chuckles)
- Hey.

500
00:20:05,404 --> 00:20:07,940
I'm sorry that this didn't work out.

501
00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:11,543
- I'm sorry that we sucked.
- Look, we don't suck.

502
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:14,312
I'm crazy about you, but I don't
have to spend every second

503
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:17,482
with you in what amounts
to a one-room log cabin.

504
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:19,550
Cabins are what drove
the Pilgrims crazy. That's why

505
00:20:19,584 --> 00:20:22,053
they killed each other
at the Plymouth Rock Massacre.

506
00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:25,456
- That's not a real thing.
- So how did the millions of Pilgrims die?

507
00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:27,659
There definitely weren't
millions of Pilgrims.

508
00:20:27,693 --> 00:20:30,561
Then how do you explain
my 37-page essay about it?

509
00:20:30,595 --> 00:20:32,797
- I think you made it up in your head.
- This seems like one of those

510
00:20:32,831 --> 00:20:35,565
- "agree to disagree" moments...
- No. It's not.

511
00:20:35,599 --> 00:20:37,534
- I'm also older than you.
- Anyway,

512
00:20:37,568 --> 00:20:39,803
I love you and someday
we'll make this work.

513
00:20:39,837 --> 00:20:41,571
I think so, too.
Just-just not now.

514
00:20:41,605 --> 00:20:43,573
- Not like this.
- Yeah. Yeah.

515
00:20:43,607 --> 00:20:46,076
But if you're not doing
anything, want to come over?

516
00:20:46,110 --> 00:20:47,110
I am over.

517
00:20:47,145 --> 00:20:49,245
(knocking)

518
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,013
- Oh!
- Hey, guys. Uh,

519
00:20:51,048 --> 00:20:53,248
just a little hot goss
from apartment 4C.

520
00:20:53,283 --> 00:20:55,350
Abby's gone.

521
00:20:55,385 --> 00:20:56,786
- What?
- She's gonna

522
00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:58,286
stay with your mom for a little bit.

523
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:02,123
Something about saving up
to be independent?

524
00:21:02,158 --> 00:21:03,524
Wow.

525
00:21:03,559 --> 00:21:05,794
Good for her.

526
00:21:05,828 --> 00:21:07,796
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay. You know...

527
00:21:07,830 --> 00:21:10,631
in hindsight, maybe we moved
a little bit too fast.

528
00:21:10,666 --> 00:21:12,633
I just wish
that I had realized that

529
00:21:12,668 --> 00:21:16,369
- before I rented her a storefront.
- You rented her a storefront?

530
00:21:16,404 --> 00:21:18,371
It was a three-year lease
in an undesirable neighborhood.

531
00:21:18,406 --> 00:21:20,808
(chuckles) It totally
obliterated my bank account,

532
00:21:20,842 --> 00:21:23,210
so... I've decided
to sublet my place, and...

533
00:21:23,244 --> 00:21:25,612
I'll be moving back here,
under duress.

534
00:21:25,646 --> 00:21:27,203
Y-You're moving back in here?

535
00:21:27,233 --> 00:21:28,549
Well, it shouldn't be
a problem, right? I mean,

536
00:21:28,817 --> 00:21:31,718
Coach is in my room, and you
guys are now moving in together.

537
00:21:31,752 --> 00:21:33,953
I'll just move
into Jess' room. Cool?

538
00:21:33,987 --> 00:21:36,155
- Yeah, but, like...
- Asking was just kind of a formality.

539
00:21:36,190 --> 00:21:39,391
'Cause my name's on the lease,
so... You guys are the best.

540
00:21:39,426 --> 00:21:41,694
Oh...

541
00:21:41,729 --> 00:21:44,663
(sighs)
(chuckles)

542
00:21:44,698 --> 00:21:48,299
- Yay!
- Yay.

543
00:21:48,334 --> 00:21:50,001
- Cool.
- Great.

544
00:21:50,036 --> 00:21:51,376
- Let's do this.
- We can make it work.

545
00:21:51,476 --> 00:21:52,864
You have
to start washing your feet.

546
00:21:53,439 --> 00:21:56,407
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