1
00:00:01,234 --> 00:00:02,701
Okay, Ron.
Enough is enough.
2
00:00:02,769 --> 00:00:04,498
Let's talk plans for
Diane's baby shower.
3
00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:05,799
Dear God, woman.
4
00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:09,308
Three main activities, baby
bingo, baby food-tasting,
5
00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:12,573
and my personal favorite, a
baby onesie decorating station.
6
00:00:12,645 --> 00:00:14,340
I'm going to make mine
look like an astronaut.
7
00:00:14,414 --> 00:00:16,348
"What are you doing up there
in space, baby?" Oh, so cute.
8
00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:19,647
Okay, I have some gift ideas. I was
looking at a very adorable stroller.
9
00:00:19,719 --> 00:00:21,448
We already have a stroller.
10
00:00:21,921 --> 00:00:24,151
Oh, shoot. Really? I'll have
to think of something else.
11
00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,518
Oh, my God.
Whose baby is that?
12
00:00:26,826 --> 00:00:27,815
That would be mine.
13
00:00:28,061 --> 00:00:29,892
Guys, get in here!
Ron has a baby!
14
00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:31,256
Oh, Ron, cool baby.
15
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:32,389
Thank you, Andrew.
16
00:00:32,465 --> 00:00:35,730
Everyone, I'd like to
introduce you to my son,
17
00:00:35,802 --> 00:00:38,066
John Middle Name
Redacted Swanson.
18
00:00:38,505 --> 00:00:40,496
John was born some
time ago, weighing
19
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:42,631
multiple pounds
and several ounces.
20
00:00:43,109 --> 00:00:47,239
Much like his father, he is a fan of
silence. Please keep your voices down.
21
00:00:47,313 --> 00:00:49,110
How am I supposed
to keep my voice down
22
00:00:49,182 --> 00:00:52,310
when you had your baby and you didn't
tell me that you had your baby?
23
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:53,716
Why would you need to know
something like that?
24
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,812
Why would I...
Oh, my God.
25
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,481
I have not even
sent Diane a gift.
26
00:00:57,557 --> 00:01:01,357
She is just walking around, wondering
why I haven't sent her a gift yet.
27
00:01:01,428 --> 00:01:02,588
Should we do something?
28
00:01:02,662 --> 00:01:03,993
Just let her tire herself out.
29
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,294
If you need anything from us,
Ron, please just let us know.
30
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:07,765
Actually, there is something.
31
00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:09,893
Could one of you please
stop by the pet store
32
00:01:09,969 --> 00:01:11,334
and pick up some
fish food for me?
33
00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:13,970
When did you get a fish?
34
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:24,000
Ripped By mstoll
35
00:01:35,895 --> 00:01:38,864
Okay, Youth Committee. Update
on the Unity Concert. Madison?
36
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,957
So far, 12 bands have said yes,
37
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,524
and we asked them
all to submit a song
38
00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:44,035
for the new town anthem contest.
39
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,004
I think we should
book Orin as a headliner.
40
00:01:46,072 --> 00:01:47,596
I think it's a no-brainer.
41
00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:50,734
He dislocates his shoulder
to the music of Billy Joel.
42
00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:53,005
The Pawnee Journal called it
"Why would anyone do this?"
43
00:01:53,179 --> 00:01:54,840
Stop suggesting Orin.
44
00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:56,472
Craig, any update
on the art tents?
45
00:01:56,749 --> 00:01:58,740
Fourteen local artists have
signed up to show their work.
46
00:01:58,818 --> 00:02:00,581
It was going to be 15,
but then this one guy
47
00:02:00,653 --> 00:02:02,314
described himself as
Jackson Pollock-esque,
48
00:02:02,388 --> 00:02:04,948
and I told him that's finger
painting for adults and I hate it!
49
00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:08,020
The Pawnee-Eagleton merger
has made for a rough year
50
00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:09,652
both for me and for the town.
51
00:02:09,729 --> 00:02:11,924
But if I can pull off
this Unity Concert
52
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:14,226
and prove that this
merger was a success,
53
00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:17,934
Pawnee might once again
tolerate/ignore me.
54
00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:20,730
I know that sounds bad,
but for a politician,
55
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,398
it's pretty much
the best-case scenario.
56
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:25,069
Well, you guys might as well
be a pile of leaves
57
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,703
because you're about
to get blown away.
58
00:02:27,046 --> 00:02:30,914
I have booked a meeting with
none other than Grant Larson.
59
00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:34,147
No one knows who that is?
60
00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:36,620
Um, I do. Grant Larson,
otherwise known as Elton John.
61
00:02:36,689 --> 00:02:37,713
Congratulations, Leslie.
No.
62
00:02:37,790 --> 00:02:40,190
Grant Larson is the director
of the Midwest branch
63
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:41,887
of the National Parks Service.
64
00:02:41,961 --> 00:02:44,623
He's basically the Liam
Bonneville of the Midwest.
65
00:02:46,199 --> 00:02:47,257
Liam Bonneville?
66
00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:49,198
The Department of the
Interior's resident bad boy?
67
00:02:49,469 --> 00:02:51,801
He's basically the Tim Dweck...
Okay, never mind.
68
00:02:51,871 --> 00:02:55,637
I have asked Grant to declare
Eagleton Hills a national park
69
00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:57,835
as the grand finale
of our Unity Concert.
70
00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,276
Great idea, Leslie.
71
00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:00,471
And with that update,
72
00:03:00,547 --> 00:03:04,005
the Pawnee New Founder's Day Unity
Concert is now officially...
73
00:03:06,452 --> 00:03:08,477
And that banner unfurling
74
00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:12,218
marks the 100th time that
one of my projects has been...
75
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:15,084
...ahead of schedule.
76
00:03:15,628 --> 00:03:19,120
This is your chance to put your
names on the Pawnee Unity Concert,
77
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,258
the biggest event of 2014.
78
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,335
Besides the unveiling
of Tricia's new highlights.
79
00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:25,667
You think I wouldn't notice?
You look fly as hell, girl.
80
00:03:26,839 --> 00:03:29,034
This Unity Concert needs
corporate sponsorship,
81
00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:31,133
so Ben and I are meeting
with local bigwigs.
82
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,736
I'm going to do what I do
best, lock down deals.
83
00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:36,407
And Dorkasaurus over here is
gonna handle the boring stuff.
84
00:03:36,482 --> 00:03:39,974
You said you genuinely
valued my business acumen.
85
00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:42,016
Also, I'm your boss.
86
00:03:44,023 --> 00:03:45,217
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
87
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:47,259
You're the cutest little
boo-bear I've ever seen.
88
00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:50,228
You are the world's most
adorable baby and I love you!
89
00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:51,285
You are so freaking precious!
90
00:03:52,465 --> 00:03:54,626
Look what Gayle made
for the baby. It says...
91
00:03:56,502 --> 00:03:57,594
Isn't that adorable?
92
00:03:59,672 --> 00:04:01,162
Come on, John.
93
00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:04,936
Jeez.
94
00:04:05,378 --> 00:04:08,575
Here we are. The park that
borders Pawnee and Eagleton.
95
00:04:08,648 --> 00:04:10,309
This is the perfect place
for the press conference
96
00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:11,577
to announce our Unity Concert.
97
00:04:11,784 --> 00:04:13,251
People are gonna clap,
they're gonna cheer.
98
00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:15,748
Today might be the day
that I finally crowd surf.
99
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,250
Should probably empty my
pockets, just in case.
100
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:21,487
Hey, one question. Where do
you think you're gonna stand?
101
00:04:21,561 --> 00:04:23,085
In front of
the graffiti that says...
102
00:04:23,162 --> 00:04:24,322
"Pawnee, you suck"?
103
00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:26,729
Or..."Go home,
Eagleton snobs"?
104
00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,631
I painted over that graffiti a week ago.
These people are the worst.
105
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,566
I cannot announce
a Unity Concert
106
00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:34,266
in front of a picture of a bald
eagle giving the middle finger.
107
00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:36,774
Yeah, you probably want to stand
to the side so people can see it.
108
00:04:37,176 --> 00:04:38,871
You know, why do we
even have this wall?
109
00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:40,936
We're supposed to be
uniting the two towns,
110
00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:43,539
and this literally divides them.
111
00:04:44,183 --> 00:04:45,275
We should just knock it down.
112
00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:46,510
On it, boss.
113
00:04:48,187 --> 00:04:49,279
Ahhh!
114
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,087
The Kool-Aid guy
makes it look so easy.
115
00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:57,090
In the time
I've worked here,
116
00:04:57,163 --> 00:05:01,031
I have taken great pains to see as
little of this building as possible.
117
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:03,625
Turns out, the third
floor is silent, empty
118
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:06,261
and completely free
of government work.
119
00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:09,198
I can't think of
anything more beautiful
120
00:05:09,275 --> 00:05:11,004
to share with my son.
121
00:05:12,345 --> 00:05:16,247
If I had a toolbox, I could take
care of that faulty radiator.
122
00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:19,775
Oh, this place is a paradise!
123
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,621
Wow, nicely done, Tom.
We have 15 sponsorship offers.
124
00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:25,590
Make that 16.
Mitch Savner.
125
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:27,250
Savner Bleaches and Chemicals.
That's it.
126
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,125
You guys make my favorite teeth-whitening
strips, Pearlies for Girlies.
127
00:05:30,530 --> 00:05:33,431
It's unisex. The cartoon
princess on the label says so.
128
00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:36,764
I'll sponsor your concert, but I'm also
looking to invest in other ventures.
129
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,270
I have a feeling a bright guy like
you has some ideas of his own.
130
00:05:39,572 --> 00:05:41,938
I may have a few eggs ready to
hatch in the personal idea nest.
131
00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:45,842
Why don't you come to my office tomorrow
and pitch me your hottest idea?
132
00:05:45,978 --> 00:05:47,605
Perfect.
I'll see you then.
133
00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:49,537
Oh, that's pretty cool.
134
00:05:49,649 --> 00:05:52,482
It's all happening, Ben. Soon,
I'll have a new career,
135
00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:54,577
new crib, new friends.
136
00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:56,747
If all goes well, this may
be one of the last times
137
00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:58,814
I ever have to speak to you.
138
00:05:58,891 --> 00:05:59,880
Come with me.
I need your help.
139
00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:03,791
Thank you so much,
everyone, for coming
140
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:06,263
and a special thank you to the
City Council for their support.
141
00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:08,057
I was told there would be
a free barbecue buffet.
142
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,131
Just take some
beefjerky and hush.
143
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:14,563
This spring, we will be holding
a massive Unity Concert
144
00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:17,733
to commemorate the merger
between Pawnee and Eagleton.
145
00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:19,937
This three-day music
and arts festival
146
00:06:20,012 --> 00:06:23,641
will end on a day we will
call New Founder's Day,
147
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:25,547
an official beginning
to our new town.
148
00:06:26,018 --> 00:06:29,510
A few years ago, Eagleton put
up this wall along the border.
149
00:06:29,589 --> 00:06:33,525
Now, it is time to
tear down this wall.
150
00:06:35,661 --> 00:06:37,652
In the name of unity,
I have given
151
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,062
some former Eagletonians
the first strike.
152
00:06:40,199 --> 00:06:41,928
Take it away, guys.
153
00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:47,004
It is such a great day for...
154
00:06:47,473 --> 00:06:48,963
Bees! Bees!
155
00:06:49,809 --> 00:06:50,901
Nobody panic!
156
00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:54,742
Ahhh! It stung me
on the eyeball!
157
00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:57,415
Oh, man,
this is amazing, man!
158
00:06:57,717 --> 00:07:00,880
The stupid Eagletonians are totally
getting pawned by these bees.
159
00:07:01,621 --> 00:07:03,111
I'm gonna send
this straight to Tosh.
160
00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:05,882
Ow!
161
00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:09,359
Don't worry, babe, I'll protect you.
I got stung once. I'm immune.
162
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,364
Go ahead and sting me, bees!
It does nothing!
163
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,801
Leslie, it appears that most of the
people who were stung were from Eagleton.
164
00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:18,894
How did you pull that off?
165
00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:20,768
I didn't pull anything off.
166
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,808
The Eagletonians were simply
closest to the wall.
167
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:25,236
Plus, one Pawneean was stung.
168
00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:27,836
In his mouth, because he was
laughing at the Eagletonians.
169
00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:30,747
How did you get your
bees into the wall,
170
00:07:30,817 --> 00:07:32,944
and how long did it take to plan
171
00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:35,414
this hilarious bee
prank on Eagleton?
172
00:07:35,488 --> 00:07:40,619
They were not my bees, Trodd. And for
the last time, this was not a prank.
173
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:42,785
I did not know that
bees were in that wall.
174
00:07:42,862 --> 00:07:45,422
I mean, in fact, you should treat this
like a public service announcement.
175
00:07:45,498 --> 00:07:47,728
Everybody should check
their walls for bees.
176
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,064
Nice try, Prank Queen.
Probably bees in there.
177
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,694
Okay, that's all the time I have.
178
00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:53,102
What else can you
do with your bees?
179
00:07:53,172 --> 00:07:54,298
Leslie,
what's your next prank?
180
00:07:56,075 --> 00:07:58,908
Oh, Leslie, Grant Larson is on the
phone from the National Parks Service.
181
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:00,069
I cannot meet
with him right now.
182
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,477
We are in
crisis mode. Okay?
183
00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:03,615
Larry, just tell him
I need to reschedule
184
00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:05,617
because I am trying to fix
my bee hole disaster.
185
00:08:05,751 --> 00:08:09,312
Okey-dokey. Wait. No. Wait. No, Larry.
Don't tell him that.
186
00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:10,650
Don't mention my bee hole.
187
00:08:10,756 --> 00:08:12,280
Just as we suspected, John.
188
00:08:12,625 --> 00:08:14,718
We repaired the valve stem seal,
189
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:18,992
and now all that remains is to
tighten down his packing nut
190
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:20,999
and that should do it.
191
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,224
Can we help you?
192
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:25,360
No, we have everything
under control.
193
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:27,133
My crew is redoing
this whole floor.
194
00:08:27,206 --> 00:08:29,003
We're the only people
allowed up here right now.
195
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:31,805
Well, proceed with your work.
You won't notice us at all.
196
00:08:31,978 --> 00:08:34,572
Well, we're gonna be
kind of loud.
197
00:08:34,780 --> 00:08:37,408
My son
is several weeks old.
198
00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:39,815
He's quite familiar with
the sound of power tools.
199
00:08:42,121 --> 00:08:44,681
Okay, how about this one?
LASIK for fingernails.
200
00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:47,954
You cut your fingernails once and
you never have to cut 'em again.
201
00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:51,190
All we need is a complicated laser
I have no idea how to build.
202
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:52,424
Seems impossible.
203
00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:53,787
All right.
204
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,935
Uh-oh! "Saltweens.
Saltines for tweens."
205
00:08:57,169 --> 00:08:59,228
Seems unnecessary.
206
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:01,102
Ugh. The only
business idea I have
207
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:03,641
that's even remotely
fleshed out is a restaurant.
208
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:05,643
No way. Restaurants
were ranked number one
209
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:08,839
in Accounting Magazine's
Riskiest Businesses issue.
210
00:09:08,915 --> 00:09:10,815
That was their last issue
before they folded, actually.
211
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:12,282
Magazines are also very risky.
212
00:09:12,351 --> 00:09:14,512
I can't believe an angel investor
floated down from the heavens,
213
00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:16,248
and I don't even have
anything to pitch him.
214
00:09:16,322 --> 00:09:18,313
Come on. You must have had
one good business idea.
215
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:19,517
You're 52 years old.
216
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:23,323
No, I'm not, but I do have an idea.
It's air-tight.
217
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,024
But I have to warn you,
it's not super sexy.
218
00:09:26,098 --> 00:09:28,566
What is it?
Okay, listen up.
219
00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:30,898
You would be the middle man
between dry cleaners
220
00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:34,963
and the companies that sell
chemicals to dry cleaners.
221
00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:36,498
Wow.
222
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:37,600
Right?
223
00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:40,209
You're right, man.
That is not sexy.
224
00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:44,941
Leslie Knope's little stunt put
three people in the hospital.
225
00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:47,713
This bee incident is
just the latest assault
226
00:09:47,787 --> 00:09:50,221
coming from the Pawnee
side of this merger.
227
00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:52,154
Mike Patterson is Eagleton's
most tenacious reporter.
228
00:09:52,224 --> 00:09:53,589
When he sinks his
teeth into something,
229
00:09:53,659 --> 00:09:55,183
he's like
A dog with a bone!
230
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,354
Oh, my God. You can't
lean in to whisper
231
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,897
and then yell.
That's not fair.
232
00:09:58,965 --> 00:10:00,728
This merger is so fragile.
233
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:01,824
Everyone is on edge,
234
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:03,869
and no one is talking
about the Unity Concert.
235
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,528
Why would anybody
think that was a prank?
236
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,096
So sad. People will believe anything.
It was a prank, though, right?
237
00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:09,698
No more press, okay?
238
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:11,470
You just have to
lay low for a while.
239
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,068
I promise it'll all blow over.
240
00:10:13,312 --> 00:10:16,543
April, your competence and your
levelheadedness is very moving to me,
241
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:17,844
and I will follow your advice,
242
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:19,077
right after I go to the hospital
243
00:10:19,151 --> 00:10:20,618
and apologize to
every victim in person.
244
00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:22,711
Fine, but no cameras.
Fine, I won't bring any.
245
00:10:22,888 --> 00:10:25,482
Ahhh! I can't handle
all this fighting!
246
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:28,618
It's like Thanksgiving 2004 all over again.
Don't even ask!
247
00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:32,161
Somebody follow me!
I'm distraught!
248
00:10:32,231 --> 00:10:34,859
Who's a good guy?
249
00:10:35,534 --> 00:10:36,796
Man, forget about working.
250
00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:39,464
I just want to stare
at this baby all day.
251
00:10:39,672 --> 00:10:42,004
What is the nature of
your work on this floor?
252
00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:44,573
Total redo. New floors,
fixtures, plumbing.
253
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,874
How long will it take?
Six to eight weeks.
254
00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:49,072
Deal.
255
00:10:49,415 --> 00:10:51,940
I will do all this work for
you in the time allotted.
256
00:10:52,018 --> 00:10:54,077
Just have your tools and
materials brought up here.
257
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,886
Are you crazy? This is enough
work for a whole crew.
258
00:10:57,089 --> 00:10:59,853
I'm sure the government believed
you when you told them that,
259
00:10:59,925 --> 00:11:03,656
and I tip my cap to you for
profiting off their ignorance.
260
00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:06,357
But I am offering you
two months' paid vacation
261
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:10,368
and the ability to take credit for
my work, which will be flawless.
262
00:11:11,971 --> 00:11:13,563
Okay.
263
00:11:13,639 --> 00:11:14,936
Guys, let's go.
264
00:11:16,308 --> 00:11:18,105
I've got all the help
I'll need right here.
265
00:11:19,578 --> 00:11:21,443
Okay, this is
the really exciting part.
266
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:24,915
We buy tetrachloroethylene
at $1.60 a gallon,
267
00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:27,418
but we sell it back
at 2.38 a gallon.
268
00:11:27,486 --> 00:11:28,976
Now, I know
what you're thinking.
269
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:31,888
"What if it's a cleaner who
wants to buy glycol ethers?"
270
00:11:31,957 --> 00:11:33,117
Ben, stop.
271
00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:35,620
This is so boring.
272
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:38,129
This is like listening to a
TED talk by the color beige.
273
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:40,696
Look, I know this
idea doesn't excite you,
274
00:11:40,766 --> 00:11:43,030
but I promise it'll
make you a lot of money.
275
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,870
Well, I've sold
tons of awesome stuff.
276
00:11:45,938 --> 00:11:47,166
I guess it makes
sense my next challenge
277
00:11:47,239 --> 00:11:49,469
is to sell something
mind-numbingly dull.
278
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,702
Dull?
279
00:11:51,577 --> 00:11:54,375
Does this look dull to you?
280
00:11:57,183 --> 00:11:59,310
I am so incredibly sorry.
281
00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:01,249
That's very kind
of you, Ms. Knope.
282
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,481
I hope you look a lot
less gross very soon.
283
00:12:05,524 --> 00:12:09,483
Hey. Thanks for coming, Knope.
I knew we were besties.
284
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,291
What have you got there
for me, some dirty mags?
285
00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:14,264
No. These gift baskets are
for innocent victims,
286
00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:15,994
not for jerks who
got stung because
287
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,933
they were laughing at
other people's pain.
288
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:20,597
Whatever. Got a lot of
filth on my Kindle anyway.
289
00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,231
We can just hang.
290
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:23,707
Want to come up?
What?
291
00:12:23,776 --> 00:12:24,800
Got to get this.
Roll camera.
292
00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:27,812
Tell me when. Is my hair okay?
We're good?
293
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,142
Welcome to Eagleton Now
294
00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:30,239
with Mike Patterson.
295
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,113
We're live, ambushing
Leslie Knope
296
00:12:32,184 --> 00:12:33,173
who's in the middle of
297
00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:34,344
a crass publicity stunt.
298
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:35,785
Shoving cameras into the faces
299
00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:37,482
of these poor, injured victims.
300
00:12:37,656 --> 00:12:40,420
These are your cameras.
This is not a publicity stunt.
301
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:43,155
I just came here by
myself to apologize
302
00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:44,719
to all the Eagletonians
who got stung.
303
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:47,560
Really? Because all we see
is you talking to your friend,
304
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,965
known Eagleton hater,
Jeremy Jamm.
305
00:12:50,035 --> 00:12:52,060
Excuse me, Mike,
that's best friend.
306
00:12:52,138 --> 00:12:53,901
Pawneeans and
Eagletonians need to
307
00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:56,498
find a way to come together
and bury the hatchet.
308
00:12:56,575 --> 00:13:00,671
It doesn't matter who bailed out
who or who seceded from who.
309
00:13:00,746 --> 00:13:01,906
Awesome idea, Lezzie.
310
00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:05,040
As a matter of fact, I say we
should secede from Eagleton.
311
00:13:05,317 --> 00:13:07,581
Whose dumbass idea was it
for them to merge, anyway?
312
00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:08,915
Mine. It was my idea.
313
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:10,349
You heard it here first.
314
00:13:10,422 --> 00:13:14,085
Self-proclaimed dumbass Leslie
Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm
315
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,321
are spearheading
a Pawnee secession movement.
316
00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:18,090
And I, for one, am sick of it.
317
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:20,860
You know what, Eagleton, enough!
Get these cameras out of here.
318
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:23,424
Don't touch my camera,
you Pawnee animal.
319
00:13:23,502 --> 00:13:26,096
Name-calling?
Classy move, douchebag.
320
00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:27,297
Oh!
321
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:28,729
Oh, no!
322
00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:31,005
No, no, no. No fighting
in the hospital.
323
00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:36,077
Oh, my God!
What's happening?
324
00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:40,510
Mother puncher!
325
00:13:42,688 --> 00:13:44,121
Hey, girl. What up?
326
00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:45,487
What are you wearing?
327
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:47,924
It's to distract people
from my black eye.
328
00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:49,620
See? It's working.
329
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:53,162
Cool. Well, there
is some good news.
330
00:13:53,432 --> 00:13:57,596
That Mike Patterson guy's show
just aired, everyone is angry,
331
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,331
and Jamm is introducing
332
00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:01,099
a secession bill at the next
City Council meeting.
333
00:14:01,407 --> 00:14:02,874
How is any of that good news?
It's not.
334
00:14:02,942 --> 00:14:04,500
I just wanted you to
have a brief moment
335
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,101
of happiness
before you got sadder.
336
00:14:06,478 --> 00:14:08,912
Those jerks that hate the
merger are a minority.
337
00:14:08,981 --> 00:14:10,812
They're just shouting
louder than everyone else.
338
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,381
I'm sorry this town
keeps being stupid
339
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,282
and letting you down.
It sucks.
340
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:16,844
It's okay, April.
It's fine.
341
00:14:16,922 --> 00:14:20,289
You know, it's a challenge.
It's just like a big, fun...
342
00:14:22,661 --> 00:14:24,151
...stinking turd nugget.
It sucks.
343
00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:25,219
You're right.
Everything sucks.
344
00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:28,232
Everything I try with
this merger backfires.
345
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,461
I wonder what other
excellent surprise
346
00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:32,629
lies in store for Leslie Knope.
347
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,935
Leslie, Grant Larson from
the National Parks Service
348
00:14:35,007 --> 00:14:36,031
is here for your meeting.
349
00:14:36,108 --> 00:14:37,132
Excellent.
350
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:39,803
Now I shall meet with
a very important person
351
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,904
whilst sporting
a gruesome shiner.
352
00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:43,676
Hey, you're also
wearing a tie-dye T-shirt.
353
00:14:45,017 --> 00:14:48,043
Yes, I am. Wonderful!
354
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:49,781
Mitch!
Thanks for meeting me.
355
00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:51,314
My pleasure.
356
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:55,520
It's not often that I see someone
with your sparkle and passion.
357
00:14:55,594 --> 00:14:57,755
That's what makes businesses work.
Passion.
358
00:14:58,931 --> 00:15:01,422
So, Mr. Haverford,
let's get to it.
359
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:03,161
What idea are you
passionate about?
360
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:09,566
I've got two words for you.
361
00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:11,534
Tom's Bistro.
362
00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:14,545
An old-fashioned,
old world Italian restaurant.
363
00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:17,446
Classy, authentic ambiance
in a small town setting.
364
00:15:17,950 --> 00:15:19,884
Why does that say
"Dry Cleaning Chemical
365
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:21,419
"Transactional Holding Company"?
366
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,946
Ben! You brought
the wrong easel!
367
00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:26,150
God! Can't take
this guy anywhere.
368
00:15:26,225 --> 00:15:27,283
Let me paint you a picture.
369
00:15:27,893 --> 00:15:30,088
Oh, Mr. Larson, I'm sorry
I had to reschedule.
370
00:15:30,162 --> 00:15:31,561
It's been kind of a hectic week.
371
00:15:31,630 --> 00:15:32,619
What happened to your face?
372
00:15:32,698 --> 00:15:33,687
It doesn't matter.
373
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,132
I would like to apply to
turn some of our new land
374
00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:37,327
into a national park.
375
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:39,035
I read your request,
Ms. Knope.
376
00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:41,538
And I am sorry, but we
can't make that happen.
377
00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:45,238
Great. Well, this week just keeps
getting better and better.
378
00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:46,744
Thank you for coming by
379
00:15:46,812 --> 00:15:49,440
and plunging a dagger into
my already bleeding corpse.
380
00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:52,613
I came here because
I wanted to meet you.
381
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,915
I've actually wanted to meet you
since before you called me.
382
00:15:54,987 --> 00:15:56,249
Really?
You know who I am?
383
00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:58,514
Yes. You're the person
who wrote this.
384
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:01,550
You read my proposal to
clean up the Pawnee River?
385
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,026
I wrote this two years ago.
386
00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:05,529
It got shuffled around at
Interior for a year and a half.
387
00:16:05,597 --> 00:16:09,897
Liam Bonneville actually used it to
humiliate staffers, but...
388
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:10,993
He's kind of a bad boy.
389
00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:12,970
Liam. You don't
have to tell me.
390
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:14,164
This report is legendary.
391
00:16:14,239 --> 00:16:16,332
It's easily the most
thoroughly researched
392
00:16:16,408 --> 00:16:18,876
and passionate grant
request I've ever seen.
393
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:23,475
Wow, you have no idea how meaningful
it is to hear you say that.
394
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:26,712
But you're a little late. The
river cleanup's well under way.
395
00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:28,912
This is bigger than
the river cleanup.
396
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,649
We're opening a new
office in Chicago.
397
00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:33,317
I've spent the last few weeks
reading about you and your career,
398
00:16:33,392 --> 00:16:35,326
and I think that you're the
perfect person to run it.
399
00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:40,198
Leslie, would you like to run a
branch of the National Parks Service?
400
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:45,728
Tom's Bistro will have all the classic
elements, but with modern twists.
401
00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:50,838
An oak bar, live music, and Sunday
brunch with scrambled eggs so fluffy,
402
00:16:50,909 --> 00:16:52,877
they'll be like little
pillows for your bacon.
403
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:55,641
Bacon pillows.
I like the sound of that.
404
00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:58,245
But I have to say, restaurants
are incredibly risky.
405
00:16:58,317 --> 00:17:00,717
Most of them are
dead on arrival.
406
00:17:02,287 --> 00:17:06,348
We're well aware of that, but believe
me, Tom has thought this out.
407
00:17:06,425 --> 00:17:08,154
See, there's plenty of
real estate available
408
00:17:08,227 --> 00:17:10,218
in the old Eagleton
part of town.
409
00:17:10,295 --> 00:17:11,853
And with the recent closures,
410
00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:15,696
there's massive demand for affordable
dining that feels high-end.
411
00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:18,161
Okay!
412
00:17:19,238 --> 00:17:21,331
As long as you're
running it, I'm in.
413
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:22,696
Amazing.
414
00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:26,605
Hey, kid. Your boss here
sure knows his stuff.
415
00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:35,483
Ron, what are you doing here?
416
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,749
The most important government
work I've ever done.
417
00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:40,553
Sanding rat urine stains
out of this floor.
418
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:41,718
What are you doing here?
419
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:44,627
I come here to think
sometimes, by myself.
420
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:47,058
But now that you're here...
Damn it.
421
00:17:47,132 --> 00:17:50,499
I am going to speak to you very
vaguely about a problem that I have.
422
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:53,197
And you cannot ask me any
questions or details about it.
423
00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:56,605
That is my ideal conversation,
aside from no conversation.
424
00:17:56,675 --> 00:17:58,108
But that feels unlikely.
425
00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:00,303
Look, you know how
much I love Pawnee.
426
00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:03,780
But the more I try to fix it,
the more people fight me.
427
00:18:03,849 --> 00:18:07,842
They call me names, they recall
me, they try to kill the merger.
428
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,444
They literally
punch me in the face.
429
00:18:10,289 --> 00:18:13,087
And yet, every time I
contemplate leaving,
430
00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:15,989
just walking away
once and for all,
431
00:18:17,362 --> 00:18:19,091
I just can't do it.
432
00:18:19,898 --> 00:18:20,887
What is wrong with me?
433
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:27,337
Yesterday, I fixed
that old steam radiator.
434
00:18:27,706 --> 00:18:29,503
Threaded a new
valve into the side,
435
00:18:29,575 --> 00:18:31,133
removed the handle
from the base,
436
00:18:31,210 --> 00:18:33,701
unscrewed the packing nut
from the stem.
437
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,680
This sub-par toolbox
only had one wrench,
438
00:18:36,748 --> 00:18:40,514
so I was lucky it was a three-quarters
or I'd have been screwed.
439
00:18:40,652 --> 00:18:43,314
Yeah, man. You are lucky.
Come on, Ron.
440
00:18:43,388 --> 00:18:44,616
What the hell?
I need your help.
441
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,288
By the time I was done,
442
00:18:46,358 --> 00:18:49,225
this 100-year-old piece
of American-made cast iron
443
00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:50,955
was singing like a bird.
444
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:54,595
Now, to most people,
this story would seem boring.
445
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,927
That's ridiculous. It's a
story about a radiator.
446
00:18:57,002 --> 00:18:59,732
But to me, it was
immensely satisfying
447
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:02,501
because I enjoy
fixing radiators.
448
00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:06,507
You like fixing this town, Leslie.
You always have.
449
00:19:06,578 --> 00:19:09,809
You know it's an uphill battle,
but you love the struggle.
450
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:12,274
I would also add
that you've already done
451
00:19:12,351 --> 00:19:14,182
a hell of a lot to
make this town better.
452
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:16,917
And people like
this young man here
453
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,889
will benefit
from your hard work.
454
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:20,217
He's a beautiful boy.
455
00:19:20,292 --> 00:19:21,316
He is quite a looker.
456
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,251
Thank you, Ron.
457
00:19:26,865 --> 00:19:28,492
What's that?
Nothing.
458
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:30,926
Clearing my throat.
459
00:19:34,873 --> 00:19:37,933
I've been thinking
a lot about your offer.
460
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,238
And I have to say,
I can't think of
461
00:19:39,311 --> 00:19:40,642
one single reason
not to take it.
462
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:43,707
That's great. I'll start
drawing up the paperwork.
463
00:19:43,782 --> 00:19:49,049
I'm sorry. I meant because I can think
of a lot of reasons not to take it.
464
00:19:49,454 --> 00:19:52,389
Okay, that's a very
misleading phraseology.
465
00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:55,620
I'm sorry. It's an amazing
offer, and I'm very interested.
466
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,992
But if I'm going
to leave Pawnee,
467
00:19:58,063 --> 00:20:00,156
I need to know it's gonna
be okay without me.
468
00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:03,793
And I won't know until I've
finished what I've started.
469
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,097
When do you need your answer?
470
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,001
Well, the gears of
federal government
471
00:20:07,072 --> 00:20:09,097
grind pretty slowly,
so you have a little time.
472
00:20:09,174 --> 00:20:10,937
But we can't wait forever.
473
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:12,470
I'll be in touch.
474
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:13,602
Great, thank you.
475
00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:16,641
That's not your hand.
Here it is.
476
00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:19,377
Sorry, my depth perception
is totally screwed up.
477
00:20:19,818 --> 00:20:21,649
I'm really happy that
worked out for you, Tom,
478
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,154
but you kind of
sold me out back there.
479
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,157
I know, and I'm sorry.
480
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,250
But Mitch asked me what
I was passionate about.
481
00:20:28,327 --> 00:20:30,625
And honestly,
I'm never going to be
482
00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:32,027
passionate about dry
cleaning chemicals.
483
00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:33,253
To each his own, I guess.
484
00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:34,993
I know opening
a restaurant is risky.
485
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:37,227
But I can make this work.
I know I can.
486
00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:42,128
Then count me in as the second
investor in Tom's Bistro.
487
00:20:42,341 --> 00:20:43,603
Thanks, Ben.
488
00:20:43,675 --> 00:20:45,666
I know this is
a symbolic gesture,
489
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:47,405
but my investor floor is $1,000.
490
00:20:47,479 --> 00:20:49,071
So, as of now,
you own zero shares.
491
00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:50,906
Cool. Thanks for
clearing that up.
492
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:53,816
Now, go do work or I will
fire you. I'm not kidding.
493
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:55,177
Yep.
494
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:59,280
Oh, look, John.
It's red pine.
495
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,923
They were going to put
flecked linoleum
496
00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:04,895
over this beautifully
preserved knotty red pine.
497
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:08,461
Most people in this world,
John, are ass...
498
00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:09,658
This is the best day
499
00:21:09,735 --> 00:21:11,293
I've ever spent in
a government building.
500
00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:13,895
And luckily, my son was
here to share it with me.
501
00:21:13,972 --> 00:21:17,806
He now has that satisfied look that
only comes with the pride of labor.
502
00:21:19,144 --> 00:21:20,611
Or he pooped.
503
00:21:21,079 --> 00:21:23,206
Either way, well done, John.
504
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:35,500
Ripped By mstoll