♪
I'm not gonna sugarcoat this.
Only some of you are gonna get this job.
It's a business of broken hearts.
But you know that... you're professionals.
(babies squeal, giggle)
LAUREN: They're so cute! I just want
to eat your little faces off!
Oh, don't worry, I won't.
SIMON: Okay, babies,
for the purpose of this audition,
you're babies, wearing our client's cute little outfits.
And... action.
♪ (babies burbling, crying)
And scene. (sighs)
Many of you were very good.
You, sir, were dogging it.
You know you were. (laughs): Yeah.
(snorts) Look at him.
Someone has baby fever.
Guilty. Our creative director,
my daughter, is in a promising relationship,
and I hope that one of you is in my near future.
And auditions like these will be unnecessary,
because clearly I'm a big fan of nepotism.
Hey, piglet, how about you and me truffle hunt.
(snorts) Come on, now.
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
Sync & corrections by wilson0804 www.Addic7ed.com
(groans quietly)
Morning, beautiful.
I bet you say that to all the women who take you in after they get you fired.
All of 'em.
(laughs)
Mm. No, I can't.
- I'm gonna be late for work. - No, come on, you nerd.
You don't have to be on time for work.
Listen, a very wise person once said:
"No matter what you do,
"it's bound to be a waste of time in the end,
so you may as well go mad."
Who was that, Jack Kerouac?
Kim Cattrall.
Well, in that case...
I guess I could be a little late.
There you go. It's chill.
Yeah. Oh, hey,
I'm gonna hit the bathroom, unless you need it first.
(laughs): Oh, no. You go.
I hardly ever use the bathroom.
Hey, Jaleel. Me, again.
Hey, I don't even know if I told you.
I just started seeing this guy, and he lost his job when
I made out with him when he was cater-waitering,
but his roommate was also his boss,
so he also lost the couch that he was sleeping on,
and I'm kind of letting him live with me
in the meantime...
anyway, you know, it's a little too early
or him to be thinking about me
having, you know... biological functions,
so if I could just, uh,
one more... You da best, J-Man.
(clears throat)
That's new.
Okay.
Uh... oh, I'll take the one with the princess lighting up.
I don't smoke, but she's cute.
Okay.
I promise, last time, J-Man. You da best.
(groans)
♪
(shudders)
(sighs) Nice, real nice.
You should be paying me to use your bathroom.
I'm the only one cleaning it.
(sighs) Oh, fine. Give me three packs.
♪
(Sydney groans, door slams)
So, what if we had a JetSky Airlines plane
shaking hands with of one of the many continents they fly over?
Do you mean something like... this?
(whispers): Bingo. Synchronicity much?
I got to tell you something, Andrew... you are by far the best
- art director I have ever worked with, hands down. - SIMON: You've been doing some
great work, Andrew, and I'm not just saying that 'cause Zach's
on vacation. Is he back yet?
I made him promise to text me
when he got back. I don't see why he needs a vacation.
Every day's a vacation when you're Zach, right?
(Simon laughs)
- What were we talking about? - Me.
Really? Gold star, my boy.
GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, gold star, man.
You know what? You deserve that.
Aw, that kind of stuff doesn't really mean anything to me.
It's not like I need a cookie every time I do something good.
Although, if you're going to the break room, do you think you...
Cookie, right? Yeah, yeah, I'm on it. Course.
Here's a fun game.
You know what annoying thing isn't happening right now?
You inviting me to see opera in the park?
Ah, that ship has sailed.
Your loss, by the way.
It was Der Rosenkavalier,
which is a pants opera... so-called because a woman
takes on the male lead... in this case,
a mezzo soprano played Octavian.
(fake laughing)
That's stupid.
Anyway, the annoying thing that isn't happening,
is me having to clean my stupid desk
because stupid Zach has put his stupid feet up on it.
Nice George keeps his nice feet on the floor.
- Come on, you miss Zach. - Eh, yeah.
He's just got some annoying habits.
I'm gonna say it. You know, a week without Zach
has been a refreshing change of pace.
I'm not even gonna feel guilty about it.
Hey, look who's back! And with gifts for everyone.
And for those of you who think I got them
at O'Hare Airport, you couldn't be more wrong.
I got them at Miami Airport. LAUREN: Ooh!
I've hated every second you've been gone.
(both growling playfully)
(laughs)
(shouting, laughing)
Oh, my God, I am so sorry I'm...
47 minutes late. I've never been so proud.
Owen has been such a wonderful influence on you.
Where are you two at? Tell, tell, tell. I want to know everything.
He's awesome. And he's so talented.
Wait, look at this picture he took of me.
Ooh! Oh, wait, not that one. Here, this one.
Whoa, what a wonderful photo.
I've never seen you look happier.
He's so into you. He's either gonna marry you
or bury your head under a bridge.
Oh, I love beginnings.
So, are you two officially a couple?
Is there an awkward Thanksgiving in our future?
Maybe. I mean, it's crazy, you know?
I'm suddenly in this living-together relationship,
but I still have to be on first-date behavior.
I have to look my best, act my best, avoid messy foods.
I mean, if I
had to say one thing about him...
There it is... there's the seed that grows into a break-up.
No. Uh... I mean, it's just that he...
hasn't even started looking for a job yet.
But I don't mind. I mean, I kind of
like that he's not all caught up in the rat race.
My cousin runs a rat race.
- Either way, it's not a deal breaker. - You know what?
You're right. This relationship went from zero to 60 overnight.
The wind is in our hair.
The car is zooming, sister.
- We're just adjusting to it, that's all. - Yeah.
It's over, Lauren... there go my grandkids.
Good-bye, little Benjamin Simon.
Ciao, Simone Simon.
See you later, Lou Diamond Simon.
Who knows, maybe it'll work out for her.
She once broke up with a guy
because he used the phrase, "awesome sauce."
- Right. - That's my daughter.
She obsesses about one little thing until she blows.
I'm supposed to think a guy without a job's gonna last?
- Oh, well, what are you gonna do, right? - Nothing.
Though, frankly, I'm as emotionally invested in this as she is.
Basically, she's living with a guy, and it's working.
When are the stars ever going to align like this again for us?
(exhales): Oh...
I can't meddle. I just can't.
Or can I?
Is my eyebrow going up?
No.
Would you?
(moaning with pleasure)
I'm still on first-date behavior
at home with Owen.
I haven't had a good slop-burger in, like, three days.
Oh. It's a medical condition,
really.
I have a very high metabolism.
Holy crap! He's coming!
SIMON: May I have your attention, please?
Everyone, this is
- Owen Winters. - (quietly): What is going on?
- I don't know. - You may know him as Sydney's
hunky live-in boyfriend, but he is also
a Peter Parker-level photographer and our newest employee.
(applause)
(quietly): Don't clap for yourself.
Why would you do this?
- Hmm? - Do you think I can't handle
- my personal life without your help? - I wasn't helping you,
I was helping the agency.
He has a very impressive portfolio.
You saw one picture on a cell phone.
Come on, admit it, you're hiring him
because you want to see me happy.
When you say it out loud, it does sound evil.
Okay, fine, I was meddling.
I've never meddled before. I'd like to say
it won't happen again, but I think
- I've found my inner yenta. - This is gonna be
a disaster. You realize I have to be
on first-date behavior 24/7.
Let me ask you this: When you chat with your friends
on the phone and they ask what he does,
do you say he's unemployed?
- No. I... - Mm-hmm.
Act like I can't hear them, and then
I tell them my carbon monoxide alarm's going off and I hang up.
- What will you say now? - He's a photographer. But not one
of those artsy-fartsy ones... he makes bank.
Okay, maybe this could work.
That's the spirit. I promise this'll be great.
Say "this'll be great."
This'll be great.
Say it again.
This'll be great?
Let it go.
This'll be great.
Are the needles they use for permanent makeup painful?
SIRI: Did you say, "Was Abraham Lincoln gay?"
Oh! (groans)
Dewey, how could you be so...
adorably clumsy?
Instagram!
(gasps)
(muffled): Don't touch me.
So, let me catch you up.
Yeah.
(plastic crackling) Accounting wants us to...
start submitting our hours in the...
I'm gonna let you get that open.
When you're starving, that is when...
it takes an hour to open.
So, anyway...
Oh... the time sheet program
is a whole new deal now.
What we're gonna...
I mean, for the love of Mike Singletary,
do you mind?
- What's wrong, bud? - It's just, like,
your feet are on my desk, you're eating noisy food,
and how starving can you be when you take
one bite of your sandwich before throwing it out, bud?
You've never complained about this stuff before.
Sorry. I'll be honest with you.
While you... while you were gone,
I was, uh... with someone.
Was it that chick from the media department,
the one who hides booze in the copy machine?
No. I mean I worked with another partner while you were gone.
Oh.
I mean, it wasn't like I was planning
on working with somebody else; it just sort of happened.
- I was on vacation; I totally get it. - Right, right.
How was it?
Uh, different. You know, not better or worse; it was just different.
- H.. how so? - He didn't put
his feet up on the desk, or eat noisy food.
He complimented me, which is not something you do so much.
That doesn't sound...
different, that sounds better.
Look, it meant nothing. Can we just get back to work?
You think that you're not annoying?
I've clearly touched a nerve.
- That was not my intention. - No.
You touch my computer screen like it's an iPad,
but that doesn't do anything.
Well, you know what, it does do, it does do
one thing... it... it really upsets me.
I would never want to hurt you, okay?
George is just a surprisingly generous partner.
And I'm not?
No.
The problem here...
is that you have been with a bunch of partners,
but me, I've only been with you.
Hey, maybe that's a mistake.
- So what are you saying? - We should work with other people.
- I think that's the best idea you've ever had. - You happy about that idea?
I'm kind of ecstatic about it.
Sounds like a lightbulb to me.
Well, I'm taking back the Miami Sound Machine!
("Conga" playing)
("Conga" continues)
♪
You don't... mind if I put my feet up here, do you?
Not at all, bud.
Right on, Rodney.
My name is Peter.
(laughs)
Classic Rodney.
No, really, it's Peter.
(high-pitched cackling)
I can't get enough of this bit. Hilarious.
(laughing)
That's my George. Oh, my gosh.
(laughing)
- Did you do this while I was gone? - Yeah.
- Or is Van Gogh temping here today? - Thanks.
I mean, seriously,
this mock-up... the word "mock" has no place in it,
okay, because nobody could possibly mock this!
Thanks.
And this color. This color.
I've-I've never seen it before.
Did you invent this color?
- Yeah. Call it green. Are you screwing with me? - What?
It's just... it's a little much with the compliments.
I'm not sure I deserve all that.
(laughs)
And he's modest, too.
Yeah, I know. We could...
we could definitely cool it on the compliments.
It's, uh... it's... it's all right.
- Sure. Sure. - Thanks, man.
Yeah, no, uh... message received.
- Totally appreciate it. - No problem.
Okay.
You okay?
You seem a little, like, tense.
Tense? Why would I be tense?
I don't know.
Maybe 'cause you're missing these.
Okay.
The reason that you found that pack of cigarettes is...
23 packs of cigarettes.
23 packs of cigarettes is...
Look, I get it. You're a super hard-core smoker.
But the company that makes these is not messing around.
These are unfiltered.
The tar content's through the roof.
And there's a recipe on the back
for something called a nicotini.
No, the reason I had to buy those is to use the bathroom
in a tobacco store because I'm not comfortable
using the bathroom in front of you.
Good, we found her.
This looks like a private moment.
Yeah, it does.
Why would you be uncomfortable
- using the bathroom in your own house? - Come on, it's unnatural
as it is, us living together the night we met.
I mean, you know hard it is
to keep up any mystery under those circumstances?
I don't care about mystery.
Oh, yeah, all guys say that,
and then, your cat bats around one tampon
out of the garbage can, and all of a sudden,
"It's not you, it's me."
What people don't realize is, the cat is giving you a gift.
It's actually kind of sweet, if you think about it.
You know what? I can't hide
who I am anymore.
I'm not always camera ready.
Do you know how many hours it takes me
to look this effortless?
And during those countless hours,
all I've been doing is dreaming about eating something sloppy
and messy and saucy and sloppy.
- You said sloppy twice. - Because that's how badly I want that hot dog.
Ooh. Oh. Oh, man.
Oh!
And in case it's not obvious, I am not chill.
I don't take chill pills,
although I did take a Lorazepam this morning,
and it is not helping.
(sighs) Okay. I wet the bed till I was 12.
I've put down people who drink Starbucks as silly yuppies,
but the truth is, I love their coffee,
and it's where I get all my CDs.
Oh, and that thunderstorm we listened to the other night?
I was scared.
Like five-year-old-girl-level scared.
It's electricity in the sky!
You still buy CDs?
SIMON: See, honesty is key to a relationship.
None of us are perfect, right?
You know, I snore. I've got dancers' feet.
I've been naked on every table on this office.
Yeah. I do feel better.
Mm. I won't be touching any surfaces.
And I should, uh, probably mention,
I'm also arachnophobic, claustrophobic and pedophobic.
Okay.
Um, spiders, tight spaces, but pedophobic?
Fear of babies. SIMON: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not fear of babies. It's fear of feet.
No, no, I'm good with feet.
As long as it's not baby feet.
So I guess I'm pedopedaphobic.
You know what?
I am living with a freak,
and it's not even a deal breaker.
Owen's afraid of babies. That's a deal breaker.
Says here the only cure for pedophobia is immersion therapy.
If only I had a group of cute little babies
in cute little outfits I could throw Owen in the middle of.
(gasps)
Huh?
(babies cooing and crying)
This looks like a job for...
the Meddler.
Yeah.
(indistinct chatter, babies burbling)
(Simon laughs)
Babies.
(babies jabbering)
Why did it have to be babies?
Son, back in the '80s, I had this
crippling fear of open spaces.
- Agoraphobia? - No. Paranoia brought on
by massive amounts of coke.
The pedophobia experts... both of them...
say this is the way you kick this thing.
You've gotta confront your fear, son.
Trust me, he is more afraid of you than you are of him.
Come on, get in there, pal. Yeah?
(babies crying and fussing, Owen sighs)
Oh, God.
Aah! Come on, you can do this.
Okay.
(makes kissing sound) Yeah, so blue.
It's a blue bear. So blue.
(sneezes)
Messy blue bear... this one...
uh, this one's broken.
Can somebody give it a grape?
Dad, why is Owen shooting this?
Ann Geddes is in the lobby, taking a nap in someone's hand.
We don't need Ann.
Afraid of babies? Pshaw. He's fantastic with babies!
Look at him. Look at him. He's just...
Oh, another one. Hi.
(camera shutter clicking) Oh, a brown one.
Uh, this one's moving!
I think this one came unstapled!
Okay, I'm waking Ann up. No, no, no, no.
- Just give him more time. - OWEN: Oh, no.
You know what? If-If you have somebody else, really, it's...
- not a big... - No, get back in there! No, no.
He just needs more time to fall in love with babies.
Why?
Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
Keep it. We'll raise it as an agency.
I'm not pregnant! We've been dating a week.
Then why are we talking about babies?
Because it's important for you to think about your future.
I've thought about my future. There's this island in France
where everybody lives to be, like, over 100 years old.
It's something in the water,
or the wine... they don't really know... but if you ask me,
it's kind of a no-brainer. I think everybody in the world
should move there, so, that's my future.
Oh, come on, there'll be babies on that island.
You've got to get over this.
Hey, take a shot of this little guy.
Spider baby!
Hey.
Spider baby!
Hey.
Remember that time when you and Andrew were trying
to flick those into each other's mouths,
and you hit him in the eye,
and he got a cataract from the trauma,
and had to get laser surgery?
Hmm. Almost forgot about that.
(sighs)
Oh. Memories.
You know what might cheer you up?
Have you ever been to a rat race?
They're surprisingly fast.
Look, it's...
I haven't been able to find that magic
I had with Andrew with anyone else,
and I've tried. I hate to admit this, but...
monogamy works best for me.
With Andrew. Working.
- At work. - Not in my personal life.
Right here. Are you kidding? Can you imagine me?
- No. - Hello. Hey, honey.
I'm home. (imitates gunshot)
Oh. You do know Andrew and George are pitching
JetSky Airlines, like, right now.
If JetSky buys the pitch,
Andrew will be on the account with George
for a long time.
How do you do? Welcome.
Welcome.
He started this. I can't make the first move.
Ugh, men. You need to get it together.
Otherwise, at the end of the day,
you'll both just be miserable.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I have to stop that pitch.
Go.
Go to him!
♪ I don't want to wait for our lives to be over ♪
♪ I want to know right now, what will it be? ♪
♪ I don't want to wait ♪
♪ For our lives to be over ♪
♪ Will it be yes, or will it be ♪
♪ Sorry? ♪
Don't get on that plane...
account.
Why shouldn't I?
Because I don't want to be with anyone else.
When I first started,
I asked Simon, "Who's the best art guy?
That's who I want to work with."
You make me better every day.
Hey, look, I-I've put a lot into this thing with George,
and it wouldn't be right to abandon him.
(sighs)
I understand.
I just had to try.
♪ So open up your morning light ♪
♪ And say a little prayer for I... ♪
Hey, excuse me, everyone.
We're gonna go ahead and close the doors now,
because the pitch is about to start.
(George chuckles)
Andrew...?
Look, I'm sorry, George.
I wish you all the luck in the world,
but I'm going with Zach.
Wow. I, uh... (clears throat)
I didn't see that one coming.
But, uh, you know, you were just gracious.
And is it weird to write a thank you note to someone
- who just broke up with you? - Good-bye, George.
Yeah.
So, are you still going to put your feet up on my desk?
And eat messy food, and make fun of your hair.
You make fun of my hair?
Feel like we gave it a pretty good go, right?
Yeah... we just want different things.
It usually takes a while to figure that out,
but when you spend as much time together as we have,
you figure it out kind of quickly.
If you add up
the hours we spent together,
this is my longest relationship in, like, ten years.
Me, too. (elevator bell dings)
Okay. Well, um,
oh, hey, I have some great ideas
about rearranging your furniture, but,
well, I'll-I'll just see you at home.
Um, Owen, uh...
you know you have to move out, right?
Oh. Yeah, no, right, yeah, of course.
I just... I didn't want to assume.
See you bright and early at work tomorrow!
Um... you also know that this...
I'm messing with you.
- Right. Yeah. I knew that. - Mm-hmm.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find a friend
with a couch I can crash on
where there are no tight spaces, babies
or spiders.
Oh, and that's on the ground level.
What, you're acrophobic, too?
We're on the fifteenth floor.
That's how much I liked you, babe.
SYDNEY: Well, he was definitely the sexiest
scaredy-cat I ever dated.
Well, I'm sorry it's over.
And that I meddled.
No, it's fine.
It's just, I have a good life.
I feel like I have it all, except...
- No, except grandkids. - No.
I mean, sure, I'd love to have grandkids one day,
but what I really wanted
was for you to have it all.
I love seeing you happy.
Well, let's be honest... we all knew from the start
that Owen was not the right one for me.
SIMON: Yeah. SYDNEY: But it was fun.
Mm-hmm. Until it wasn't. I did love seeing
how happy my being with Owen made you.
- Well, aren't we just the selfless pair? - Apparently so.
Sync & corrections by wilson0804 www.Addic7ed.com
(hooting, whooping)
That's a full head of hair. Kid's got sideburns.
That's weird.
(both laughing) The kid's got sideburns.
(high-pitched laughing)
As much as it sounds
- better... - Tomato, "potahto."
Look, let's get back to work.
It didn't mean anything. (both laughing)
Potato, "tomahto."
(laughs) (crew laughing)
(hooting laugh)
(sneezes) WOMAN: Matthew...
Yeah! Yeah!