1 00:00:01,066 --> 00:00:03,067 PAM: Yam! Yom! Yom! LANA: Stop. Stop it. 2 00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:05,069 PAM: Yah! Huh! Yum! Yum! Yum! LANA: Pam! 3 00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:07,438 PAM: Yum-yum-yum! Yum-yum-yum! Gimme! Gimme! 4 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:10,508 Yum-yum! Gimme! LANA: Goddamn it, will you 5 00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:13,349 calm the shit down?! PAM: Wow. 6 00:00:13,469 --> 00:00:15,469 LANA: Well?! This isn't good practice. 7 00:00:15,471 --> 00:00:17,938 My baby's not gonna be a coke addict! 8 00:00:17,940 --> 00:00:19,773 PAM: Wow. LANA: Oh, I'm sorry. 9 00:00:19,775 --> 00:00:22,910 What would you like to call it? PAM: Mm, cocaine enthusiast? 10 00:00:22,912 --> 00:00:25,980 CHERLENE: Is it too late to not have it? 11 00:00:25,982 --> 00:00:29,483 LANA: Yes! For the jillionth time, I want this baby, so... 12 00:00:29,485 --> 00:00:32,386 MALORY: Well, sure, now. Wait until you're waist-deep in 13 00:00:32,388 --> 00:00:35,956 dirty diapers, or he's up with the croup and there's no bourbon 14 00:00:35,958 --> 00:00:38,592 in the house. (coughs) 15 00:00:38,594 --> 00:00:41,395 Ugh! Then fast-forward to him 16 00:00:41,397 --> 00:00:44,064 knocking up the au pair, flunking out of college, and 17 00:00:44,066 --> 00:00:48,402 then singlehandedly bankrupting your drug cartel! 18 00:00:48,404 --> 00:00:50,504 PAM: Wait-- college? LANA: Yeah, right? 19 00:00:50,506 --> 00:00:52,940 MALORY: My point is... CHERLENE: All babies should 20 00:00:52,942 --> 00:00:56,110 be drowned? (scoffs) Not all babies. 21 00:00:56,112 --> 00:00:59,113 Just baby people. LANA: Don't you have a... 22 00:00:59,115 --> 00:01:01,081 tractor pull to headline? CHERLENE: Yes. 23 00:01:01,083 --> 00:01:02,283 MALORY: No! PAM: Aw... 24 00:01:02,285 --> 00:01:04,218 MALORY: No more of that bush-league nonsense. 25 00:01:04,220 --> 00:01:08,022 We're getting Cherlene a record deal. 26 00:01:08,024 --> 00:01:11,258 Sterling can't screw that up. LANA: Look, I think maybe 27 00:01:11,260 --> 00:01:13,093 Archer's just been trying too hard. 28 00:01:13,095 --> 00:01:15,129 MALORY: Ha! LANA: I'm serious. I mean, 29 00:01:15,131 --> 00:01:18,032 as sad as it is, deep down, he just wants your approval, and 30 00:01:18,034 --> 00:01:20,467 lately you've been putting so much pressure on him. 31 00:01:20,469 --> 00:01:23,604 MALORY: Well? How hard is it to sell 2,000 32 00:01:23,606 --> 00:01:27,541 measly pounds of cocaine?! Or whatever we're down to now, 33 00:01:27,543 --> 00:01:32,846 1,900 and... What?! Pam! You damn coke fiend! 34 00:01:32,848 --> 00:01:34,848 PAM: Ow! Ow! Ow! (Cherlene laughing) 35 00:01:34,850 --> 00:01:38,352 LANA: Malory, stop! MALORY: I mean, did you used 36 00:01:38,354 --> 00:01:40,354 to be a man? LANA: Pam? 37 00:01:40,356 --> 00:01:42,356 PAM: I don't know. Did you? LANA: Have you been 38 00:01:42,358 --> 00:01:44,391 stealing coke? PAM: Wha...? No! 39 00:01:44,393 --> 00:01:46,961 You think, if I had 100 pounds of coke, I'd be sitting here 40 00:01:46,963 --> 00:01:48,963 playing choo-choo-spoon with a tranny? 41 00:01:48,965 --> 00:01:51,598 LANA: Oh, for the...! I'm pregnant! 42 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:53,634 CHERLENE: It said, baffling medical science. 43 00:01:53,636 --> 00:01:56,370 Ow! (laughs) MALORY: Enough! But, Pam, 44 00:01:56,372 --> 00:02:00,007 I swear to God, if I find out you're lying to me... 45 00:02:00,009 --> 00:02:02,476 PAM: I'm not! About this! MALORY: Well, then where the 46 00:02:02,478 --> 00:02:05,846 hell did it go?! ALL: Oh, you were serious? 47 00:02:05,848 --> 00:02:07,848 ARCHER: Yes! RAY: No! Stop! 48 00:02:07,850 --> 00:02:09,550 ARCHER: Gimme! RAY: Archer, move your... 49 00:02:09,552 --> 00:02:11,084 ARCHER: Ray! RAY: Stop it! 50 00:02:11,086 --> 00:02:13,420 ARCHER: Let me do it! Come on! Just for a minute! 51 00:02:13,422 --> 00:02:15,139 RAY: No! ARCHER: Goddamn it! 52 00:02:15,141 --> 00:02:17,090 What could go wrong?! CYRIL: Uh, you could 53 00:02:17,092 --> 00:02:18,609 crash it! Just like you crashed 54 00:02:18,611 --> 00:02:20,561 the damn space shuttle! ARCHER (chuckles): Oh, my 55 00:02:20,563 --> 00:02:23,930 God, right? Remember that? 56 00:02:23,932 --> 00:02:29,236 Ray, you remember? You got paralyzed? (chuckles) 57 00:02:29,238 --> 00:02:32,239 How do you not remember that? 58 00:02:57,403 --> 00:03:08,499 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 59 00:03:10,926 --> 00:03:13,345 ARCHER: Oh, my God, Cyril, for the... We're not just 60 00:03:13,497 --> 00:03:16,467 waltzing into Colombia with 100 pounds of cocaine. 61 00:03:16,587 --> 00:03:18,604 We're sneaking in under the radar. 62 00:03:18,606 --> 00:03:20,606 RAY: Literally and figuratively. 63 00:03:20,608 --> 00:03:22,608 CYRIL: I... ARCHER: Is there a name 64 00:03:22,610 --> 00:03:25,478 for that when it's both? Like in French or something? 65 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,446 CYRIL: I meant once we get there! 66 00:03:27,448 --> 00:03:29,782 Your plan is to just ask around for...? 67 00:03:29,784 --> 00:03:32,118 ARCHER: La Madrina, yes, the Godmother. 68 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:34,236 CYRIL: I know what it means. RAY: I hate I took Latin. 69 00:03:34,238 --> 00:03:36,205 ARCHER: Maybe someday you'll meet a mummy. 70 00:03:36,207 --> 00:03:38,457 CYRIL: But what do you think is gonna happen when three 71 00:03:38,459 --> 00:03:40,609 gringos waltz in and start asking around for the woman 72 00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:43,546 who runs the entire Cali cartel? ARCHER: Well, again, Cyril, 73 00:03:43,548 --> 00:03:45,548 we won't actually be waltz... CYRIL: You know what I mean! 74 00:03:45,550 --> 00:03:47,550 ARCHER: I also know what I'm doing! 75 00:03:47,552 --> 00:03:49,552 RAY: Yeah, showing mommy who's a big boy. 76 00:03:49,554 --> 00:03:51,587 ARCHER: What?! (Cyril laughs) 77 00:03:51,589 --> 00:03:53,589 Oh, you want to see who's a big boy? 78 00:03:53,591 --> 00:03:56,676 (Cyril and Ray scream) RAY: Archer! 79 00:03:56,678 --> 00:04:01,063 ARCHER: Take it back! RAY: Cyril, help! 80 00:04:01,065 --> 00:04:04,066 CYRIL: Uh, uh... Oh. 81 00:04:04,068 --> 00:04:05,685 ARCHER: Ow! 82 00:04:05,687 --> 00:04:09,238 KRIEGER: Ow! I don't know where Archer is! 83 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:12,141 MALORY: Then find him, you bearded buffoon! 84 00:04:12,143 --> 00:04:14,476 Use the... the surveillance satellite. 85 00:04:14,478 --> 00:04:16,478 KRIEGER: Oh, you were serious? 86 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:18,647 MALORY: Wha...?! CHERLENE: Don't ask her that. 87 00:04:18,649 --> 00:04:21,200 She hates it. KRIEGER: ISIS had satellites. 88 00:04:21,202 --> 00:04:23,619 The whatever we are, Gang Who Couldn't Sell Coke Straight, 89 00:04:23,621 --> 00:04:25,654 doesn't even have cable. MALORY: But what about 90 00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:27,656 all these? KRIEGER: They're all aimed 91 00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:29,658 inside the house. MALORY: Well, what the hell 92 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:31,660 good is that for?! KRIEGER: Eh, I'm making 93 00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:33,662 about two grand a month on the Gilfcam. 94 00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:35,798 OTHERS: Ew! MALORY: The what cam? 95 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,801 WOODHOUSE: "What is your..." (mumbling) 96 00:04:38,803 --> 00:04:44,774 Hmm. Dear Gilf Hound 69... 97 00:04:44,776 --> 00:04:47,610 ARCHER: Jesus Christ. Thanks for the concussion, 98 00:04:47,612 --> 00:04:49,645 dicks. CYRIL and RAY: Well? 99 00:04:49,647 --> 00:04:52,148 ARCHER: Oh, and just so you know, that's exactly how 100 00:04:52,150 --> 00:04:54,400 Len Koenecke died. RAY: Who? 101 00:04:54,402 --> 00:04:57,787 ARCHER: "Who." Typical. (Cyril and Ray gasp) 102 00:04:57,789 --> 00:05:05,745 (burro brays) (all gasp) 103 00:05:05,747 --> 00:05:08,748 RAY: Goddamn it, will you slow the shit down?! 104 00:05:08,750 --> 00:05:11,801 (all yell) ARCHER: I'm sorry, was there 105 00:05:11,803 --> 00:05:13,836 a question? (Cyril and Ray groan) 106 00:05:13,838 --> 00:05:16,389 Because nobody made you two come here. 107 00:05:16,391 --> 00:05:19,725 I didn't put a gun to your heads. 108 00:05:19,727 --> 00:05:22,511 I mean, not literally to your heads. 109 00:05:22,513 --> 00:05:27,566 So, if you'll hide your vaginas, it's time to gather some intel. 110 00:05:27,568 --> 00:05:30,152 RAY: Intel? No, do not compare what we 111 00:05:30,154 --> 00:05:33,239 do now to intelligence work. ARCHER: Don't worry, I won't! 112 00:05:33,241 --> 00:05:36,525 Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers doesn't really 113 00:05:36,527 --> 00:05:39,495 compare to helping overthrow democratically elected 114 00:05:39,497 --> 00:05:42,448 governments! Like the U.S. did in Guatemala, 115 00:05:42,450 --> 00:05:46,202 Chile, Nicaragua, uh... Oh! Iran?! 116 00:05:46,204 --> 00:05:48,904 Because-- spoiler alert-- those didn't really work out so great! 117 00:05:48,906 --> 00:05:51,540 But that's okay, because I'm pinning my hopes for the 118 00:05:51,542 --> 00:05:54,260 future on the next big shipment of Stinger missiles to that 119 00:05:54,262 --> 00:05:58,180 ragtag bunch of Mujahideen heroes in Afghanistan! 120 00:05:58,182 --> 00:06:01,917 CYRIL: I... Wow, it seems like you've actually given this 121 00:06:01,919 --> 00:06:04,303 some thought. RAY: Plus, I mean, it's not 122 00:06:04,305 --> 00:06:06,255 like we're selling cocaine to little kids. 123 00:06:06,257 --> 00:06:08,590 CYRIL: And ISIS did do a lot of bad stuff. 124 00:06:08,592 --> 00:06:10,643 RAY: We blew up an oil pipeline. 125 00:06:10,645 --> 00:06:13,446 CYRIL: Not to mention a bunch of people, which, compared to 126 00:06:13,448 --> 00:06:15,815 that, this is kind of a victimless crime. 127 00:06:15,817 --> 00:06:18,734 If it even is a crime. I mean, is it? 128 00:06:18,736 --> 00:06:21,287 ARCHER: He said, sucking at being a lawyer. 129 00:06:21,289 --> 00:06:23,539 CYRIL: I'm actually an excellent lawyer. 130 00:06:23,541 --> 00:06:25,941 ARCHER: And I'm excellent in the field, so... 131 00:06:25,943 --> 00:06:28,410 CYRIL: Maybe at ISIS. But on ISIS missions, you had 132 00:06:28,412 --> 00:06:30,796 big dossiers with all the information you could 133 00:06:30,798 --> 00:06:33,299 possibly need. ARCHER: Yeah, but I never 134 00:06:33,301 --> 00:06:36,302 read them. (crowd gasping) 135 00:06:36,304 --> 00:06:39,472 What's up, pendejos? (clattering, chairs scuffling) 136 00:06:39,474 --> 00:06:43,642 CYRIL: Ay, mierda. RAY: Oh, goddamn Latin. 137 00:06:43,644 --> 00:06:46,896 I just feel like such a tourist. 138 00:06:50,335 --> 00:06:53,943 MALORY: Colombia? What are they doing in Colombia? 139 00:06:54,183 --> 00:06:55,476 KRIEGER: I... MALORY: And how did you know 140 00:06:55,596 --> 00:06:57,325 where they were? I thought you couldn't 141 00:06:57,424 --> 00:06:59,112 track them. KRIEGER: Ray posted a 142 00:06:59,232 --> 00:07:02,615 Snacklesnap. It's where you take artsy photos 143 00:07:02,735 --> 00:07:04,429 of your food and share it with people. 144 00:07:04,431 --> 00:07:05,872 PAM: Snacklesnamps is awesome. 145 00:07:05,997 --> 00:07:08,497 Look, here's some cocaine puddin; here's some more 146 00:07:08,499 --> 00:07:10,582 cocaine puddin. Ooh, cocaine puddin. 147 00:07:10,584 --> 00:07:12,885 MALORY: Why would anyone want a picture of someone else's 148 00:07:12,887 --> 00:07:15,203 food? KRIEGER: Well, no, they 149 00:07:15,205 --> 00:07:17,205 don't. PAM: Yeah, everybody hates 150 00:07:17,207 --> 00:07:19,207 it. CHERLENE: ♪ Mmm, 151 00:07:19,209 --> 00:07:21,477 Snacklesnaaamps...! ♪ MALORY: But why take cocaine 152 00:07:21,479 --> 00:07:24,713 to Colombia? LANA: I assume as a sample? 153 00:07:24,715 --> 00:07:27,232 To show some cartel boss that our product is high-quality and 154 00:07:27,234 --> 00:07:30,052 already in the States? MALORY: Saving them the 155 00:07:30,054 --> 00:07:32,888 transport cost. But those three waltzing around 156 00:07:32,890 --> 00:07:35,658 Colombia with millions of dollars of cocaine?! 157 00:07:35,660 --> 00:07:37,993 My God, they could already be dead! 158 00:07:37,995 --> 00:07:40,529 LANA: Oh, Malory, come on. This is Archer, okay? 159 00:07:40,531 --> 00:07:42,665 He can take care of himself. CHERLENE: Yeah, and I doubt 160 00:07:42,667 --> 00:07:44,833 they were actually waltzing. LANA: I'm sure they're 161 00:07:44,835 --> 00:07:49,738 totally fine. CYRIL: Archer! 162 00:07:49,740 --> 00:07:54,710 ARCHER: Woooohoohoohoooo!! (laughter, cheering) 163 00:07:54,712 --> 00:07:57,963 Here's to you, Hal Needham. (laughter) 164 00:07:57,965 --> 00:08:00,916 (glass shatters) (shouting in Spanish) 165 00:08:00,918 --> 00:08:04,937 Man, why bother with coke? I just made 100,000 pesos for 166 00:08:04,939 --> 00:08:07,723 jumping through a stupid window. CYRIL: Yeah, that's about 167 00:08:07,725 --> 00:08:09,892 $50. ARCHER: Still, though. 168 00:08:09,894 --> 00:08:12,027 BIKER JEFE: ¿Dijiste cocaína? ¿La quieres? 169 00:08:12,029 --> 00:08:15,864 ARCHER: No, gracias. Yo tengo mucha cocaína. 170 00:08:15,866 --> 00:08:19,068 Por lo tanto, buscamos a La Madrina. 171 00:08:19,070 --> 00:08:22,071 (record scratches) BIKER: Hijo de puta. 172 00:08:22,073 --> 00:08:25,574 (glass shatters) (music begins) 173 00:08:25,576 --> 00:08:27,743 BIKER JEFE: You look for the Godmother? 174 00:08:27,745 --> 00:08:30,629 ARCHER: Yes, for a very lucrative business proposition. 175 00:08:30,631 --> 00:08:34,133 Do you know her or... BIKER JEFE: No, but I can 176 00:08:34,135 --> 00:08:37,052 make a phone call, and someone will come. 177 00:08:37,054 --> 00:08:40,556 Until then, just keep drinking your guaro, huh? 178 00:08:40,558 --> 00:08:42,891 (gulping) ARCHER: About 15 steps ahead 179 00:08:42,893 --> 00:08:45,127 of you. (laughter) 180 00:08:45,129 --> 00:08:47,980 BIKER JEFE: Pinche gringo. (chuckles) 181 00:08:47,982 --> 00:08:49,848 ARCHER: Hmm, see what I did there? 182 00:08:49,850 --> 00:08:51,967 CYRIL: Uh, overdosed on liquid snake? 183 00:08:51,969 --> 00:08:53,969 ARCHER: Made a connection, Cyril. 184 00:08:53,971 --> 00:08:56,572 I gained his trust. (engine running, doors closing) 185 00:08:56,574 --> 00:08:58,774 Oh, my God. Although, now that you mention 186 00:08:58,776 --> 00:09:01,243 it... (burps) (groans) I think I actually may 187 00:09:01,245 --> 00:09:03,579 have... (retching, groaning) 188 00:09:03,581 --> 00:09:05,581 CYRIL: God. ARCHER: Snake poisoning. 189 00:09:05,583 --> 00:09:08,951 (groans) (laughter) 190 00:09:08,953 --> 00:09:10,953 CYRIL: Damn it, Archer, I told you. 191 00:09:10,955 --> 00:09:13,038 ARCHER: What's that? I can't hear you over the sound 192 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:16,041 of I have snake poisoning. RAY: Moveri! 193 00:09:16,043 --> 00:09:18,160 Placet moveri, iudices. 194 00:09:18,162 --> 00:09:22,931 (groaning) CYRIL: Well, it's your own 195 00:09:22,933 --> 00:09:25,050 fault. What the... RAY: What're you... 196 00:09:25,052 --> 00:09:27,803 ARCHER: Shh! Shut up. I think I heard a troop truck 197 00:09:27,805 --> 00:09:30,055 pull up out front. (banging) 198 00:09:30,057 --> 00:09:33,809 COMANDANTE: ¡No se muevan! ¿Dónde están? 199 00:09:33,811 --> 00:09:37,062 (Cyril gasps) CYRIL: It's the army. 200 00:09:37,064 --> 00:09:39,648 ARCHER: Shit. It's not the army. 201 00:09:39,650 --> 00:09:41,900 We're not that lucky. They're paramilitarios. 202 00:09:41,902 --> 00:09:43,902 CYRIL: But what do they... (creaking) 203 00:09:43,904 --> 00:09:46,688 Hey, what are you doing? ARCHER: Waiting for you. 204 00:09:46,690 --> 00:09:48,991 And to be honest, having second thoughts about it. 205 00:09:48,993 --> 00:09:52,661 RAY: Serious shit, come on. (Cyril yelps) 206 00:09:52,663 --> 00:09:55,214 (Cyril screams) (Archer chuckles) 207 00:09:55,216 --> 00:09:57,299 COMANDANTE: ¡Abre la puerta! (banging) 208 00:09:57,301 --> 00:09:58,700 (Cyril whimpers) 209 00:09:58,702 --> 00:10:04,389 ARCHER: Okay, Ray... RAY: Ow. 210 00:10:04,391 --> 00:10:06,308 CYRIL: Who are these paramilitarios? 211 00:10:06,310 --> 00:10:08,393 ARCHER: Either heroic vigilantes trying to restore law 212 00:10:08,395 --> 00:10:10,846 and order because the cops can't or won't... 213 00:10:10,848 --> 00:10:13,065 CYRIL: Well, that doesn't sound too bad. 214 00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:15,267 ARCHER: ...or right-wing terrorists with a boner for 215 00:10:15,269 --> 00:10:17,686 kidnapping and murder. RAY: That does. 216 00:10:17,688 --> 00:10:19,688 ARCHER: Moot point, though, really, if you're an American 217 00:10:19,690 --> 00:10:21,723 down here selling cocaine. I can't believe that guy ratted 218 00:10:21,725 --> 00:10:23,725 us out. CYRIL: Yeah, and after you 219 00:10:23,727 --> 00:10:25,393 made a connection. ARCHER: Now, really? 220 00:10:25,395 --> 00:10:27,279 CYRIL: Well... ARCHER: Shut up. 221 00:10:27,281 --> 00:10:29,498 Ray, hug the shadows, get to the Land Cruiser and be ready. 222 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,750 Don't turn it on. Do not touch the brake pedal. 223 00:10:31,752 --> 00:10:34,236 Cyril, I'm gonna take out the guard; you're gonna take the 224 00:10:34,238 --> 00:10:36,404 truck's distributor cap, got it? CYRIL: Uh... 225 00:10:36,406 --> 00:10:38,874 COMANDANTE: ¡Se fueron! (gasping, whistle blowing) 226 00:10:38,876 --> 00:10:40,876 (shouting in Spanish) 227 00:10:40,878 --> 00:10:46,465 PARAMILITARIO: Ay. ¿Qué tiene adentro, hebillas? 228 00:10:46,467 --> 00:10:50,302 ARCHER: Okay, go, go, go, go, go. 229 00:10:50,304 --> 00:10:53,088 CYRIL: But... ARCHER: Look, I realize this 230 00:10:53,090 --> 00:10:56,758 is somewhat my fault, Cyril. We can talk about it later. 231 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,760 (whimpering) 232 00:10:58,762 --> 00:11:03,782 (truck hood opens, man gasps) (gun clicks) 233 00:11:03,784 --> 00:11:07,769 ARCHER: So, funny story. (shouting, gunshots) 234 00:11:07,771 --> 00:11:11,456 (shouting in Spanish) So, hey. 235 00:11:11,458 --> 00:11:14,459 Sorry in advance for this. (man groaning) 236 00:11:14,461 --> 00:11:19,781 (gunshots continue) Cyril, did you get it? 237 00:11:19,783 --> 00:11:21,800 CYRIL: Yes! ARCHER: Then come on! 238 00:11:21,802 --> 00:11:23,802 (Cyril whimpering) 239 00:11:23,804 --> 00:11:28,123 ARCHER: Hit it! (engine starts) 240 00:11:28,125 --> 00:11:30,142 Cyril! CYRIL: I'm coming as fast as 241 00:11:30,144 --> 00:11:32,294 I can! ARCHER: Guys, we really need 242 00:11:32,296 --> 00:11:36,965 to talk about getting "phrasing" back in the rotation. 243 00:11:36,967 --> 00:11:39,401 (laughter) Woooohoohoohoooo!! 244 00:11:39,403 --> 00:11:41,403 Hammer down! 245 00:11:44,585 --> 00:11:48,581 Oh, I'm sorry, Ray. By "hammer," I meant 246 00:11:48,695 --> 00:11:50,946 "accelerator." RAY: It's floored, and it's 247 00:11:50,948 --> 00:11:53,064 overheating. ARCHER: Well, then stop, you 248 00:11:53,066 --> 00:11:55,450 idiot. RAY: I am not the idiot who 249 00:11:55,452 --> 00:11:57,903 packed the engine compartment full of cocaine. 250 00:11:57,905 --> 00:12:00,488 ARCHER: Oh, right. Uh, we should get that out. 251 00:12:00,490 --> 00:12:02,574 RAY: Good idea, that will give us something to do while we 252 00:12:02,576 --> 00:12:05,043 sit here and wait for those guys to drive up and murder us. 253 00:12:05,045 --> 00:12:07,495 ARCHER: Ray, they're not driving anywhere without a 254 00:12:07,497 --> 00:12:11,132 distributor cap, so... (vehicle approaching) 255 00:12:11,134 --> 00:12:14,085 Cyril, may I see the distributor cap? 256 00:12:14,087 --> 00:12:16,454 (Cyril gulps) (Archer chuckles) 257 00:12:16,456 --> 00:12:18,673 Whew, man, Cyril, you had me worried. 258 00:12:18,675 --> 00:12:21,092 CYRIL: I-I did? ARCHER: Yeah, see, I always 259 00:12:21,094 --> 00:12:24,629 worried I would die without knowing how it felt to get my 260 00:12:24,631 --> 00:12:29,568 throat slashed and my tongue yanked out through the gaping hole. 261 00:12:29,570 --> 00:12:34,973 Are we seriously done with "phrasing"? 262 00:12:34,975 --> 00:12:37,776 I mean, not right then necessarily, although "tongue" 263 00:12:37,778 --> 00:12:40,645 and "gaping hole" are kind of begging for it. 264 00:12:40,647 --> 00:12:44,749 (chuckles) Gaping hole. 265 00:12:44,751 --> 00:12:47,876 Begging for it. Eh... 266 00:12:50,230 --> 00:12:53,803 COMANDANTE: Drop your weapon! ARCHER: Drop your weapons. 267 00:12:54,045 --> 00:12:55,486 COMANDANTE: ¿Qué? RAY: Archer! 268 00:12:55,606 --> 00:12:57,632 CYRIL: Are you crazy? They'll kill us. 269 00:12:57,646 --> 00:12:59,807 ARCHER: Will you shut up? I know what I'm doing, Cyril. 270 00:12:59,809 --> 00:13:02,876 It's all about machismo. Last chance! 271 00:13:02,878 --> 00:13:07,815 Okay, uno, dos... COMANDANTE: ¡No dispare! 272 00:13:07,817 --> 00:13:11,018 ¡No dispare! CYRIL: What in the... 273 00:13:11,020 --> 00:13:13,287 ARCHER: I told you, all about the machismo. 274 00:13:13,289 --> 00:13:15,656 RAY: Archer? ARCHER: ¿Quien es más macho? 275 00:13:15,658 --> 00:13:17,691 RAY: Archer? ARCHER: Sí, Ramon, Archer 276 00:13:17,693 --> 00:13:19,760 es más... RAY: Archer! 277 00:13:19,762 --> 00:13:21,862 ARCHER: What?! Oh. 278 00:13:21,864 --> 00:13:24,731 CYRIL: Well, is that the army? 279 00:13:24,733 --> 00:13:26,834 ARCHER: I don't think so. One guy's wearing a T-shirt from 280 00:13:26,836 --> 00:13:29,937 a Phi Mu Fun Run. RAY: We called them Phi Moo. 281 00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:32,139 CYRIL: Well, then who the hell is it? 282 00:13:32,141 --> 00:13:35,242 LA MADRINA: Soy La Madrina. And I think you have been 283 00:13:35,244 --> 00:13:39,196 looking for me, no? ARCHER: Only my whole life. 284 00:13:39,198 --> 00:13:41,248 RAY: Goddamn it. LA MADRINA: ¡Oye, tanto! 285 00:13:41,250 --> 00:13:43,200 ¿Qué miras?! COMANDANTE: ¡Vámonos! 286 00:13:43,202 --> 00:13:45,619 ¡Vámonos! LA MADRINA: And you, guapo, 287 00:13:45,621 --> 00:13:48,038 you follow me. ARCHER: Oh, yeah, uh, about 288 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:52,826 that... CYRIL: So, I have a question. 289 00:13:52,828 --> 00:13:56,163 Since we're now essentially captives of the Cali cartel, 290 00:13:56,165 --> 00:13:59,299 and being dragged off to God knows what terrible fate... 291 00:13:59,301 --> 00:14:02,886 Why the hell are you smiling?! ARCHER: A-- we're not their 292 00:14:02,888 --> 00:14:05,355 captives; we're about to be their business partners. 293 00:14:05,357 --> 00:14:08,175 B-- I bet there's a pretty decent chance La Madrina owns 294 00:14:08,177 --> 00:14:11,195 a tiger. And C-- "guapo" means 295 00:14:11,197 --> 00:14:13,346 "handsome." (Cyril and Ray sigh) 296 00:14:13,348 --> 00:14:16,683 (ringtone playing) RAY: It's your mother. 297 00:14:16,685 --> 00:14:18,685 ARCHER: Wha...? Give me that. 298 00:14:18,687 --> 00:14:20,687 MALORY: "Putting pressure on him." 299 00:14:20,689 --> 00:14:23,240 If anything, I've been too lax, but please, let me benefit from 300 00:14:23,242 --> 00:14:25,242 your vast experience as a mother and... 301 00:14:25,244 --> 00:14:26,860 RAY: Hey! MALORY: Hello, Ray? 302 00:14:26,862 --> 00:14:28,361 Put Sterling on the... RAY: Hey, damn it, Archer! 303 00:14:28,363 --> 00:14:30,030 Give it h... ARCHER: Give... Ray, give 304 00:14:30,032 --> 00:14:31,698 it... Ray, give it. RAY: I'm serious. 305 00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:33,167 I'm serious, Archer, cut it out. 306 00:14:33,169 --> 00:14:35,035 ARCHER: Damn it, give it here. 307 00:14:35,037 --> 00:14:37,004 (tires screech and guns fire) MALORY (gasps): Sterling? 308 00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:39,256 (beep) OPERATOR: The mailbox of... 309 00:14:39,258 --> 00:14:42,226 (Archer laughing) ...is full. 310 00:14:42,228 --> 00:14:45,879 Good-bye. (Malory groans) 311 00:14:45,881 --> 00:14:48,098 OPERATOR: If you're satisfied with your voice mail greeting, 312 00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:50,901 press one. (Archer chuckles) 313 00:14:50,903 --> 00:14:52,903 RAY: How did you...? ARCHER: You remember that day 314 00:14:52,905 --> 00:14:54,905 I took your falafel, and you were chasing me all around the 315 00:14:54,907 --> 00:14:57,157 living room in your wheelchair? RAY: Yes. 316 00:14:57,159 --> 00:14:59,893 ARCHER: Yeah, so I recorded that, added some sound effects, 317 00:14:59,895 --> 00:15:02,829 mixed it, called my phone and left it as a message, stole your 318 00:15:02,831 --> 00:15:06,416 phone, got into the voice mail settings, called your phone from 319 00:15:06,418 --> 00:15:09,169 a landline and played the message from my phone, then put 320 00:15:09,171 --> 00:15:12,072 your phone back. Which I think is why it sounds 321 00:15:12,074 --> 00:15:14,074 a little compressed, but whatever. 322 00:15:14,076 --> 00:15:16,076 RAY: The... ARCHER: Shut up, we're here. 323 00:15:16,078 --> 00:15:20,264 And remember, I got dibs on the tiger. 324 00:15:20,266 --> 00:15:25,352 LA MADRINA: Well, I have to admit, Mr. Archer, your proposal 325 00:15:25,354 --> 00:15:28,305 is very... surprising. ARCHER: Not as surprising as 326 00:15:28,307 --> 00:15:31,441 somebody named The Godmother looking like you. 327 00:15:31,443 --> 00:15:34,094 (La Madrina laughs) LA MADRINA: Really. 328 00:15:34,096 --> 00:15:36,947 And what were you expecting? ARCHER: I guess like a 329 00:15:36,949 --> 00:15:39,933 Mexican Mrs. Garrett? LA MADRINA: ¿Qué? 330 00:15:39,935 --> 00:15:41,935 ARCHER: Or Colombian, or whatever, I... 331 00:15:41,937 --> 00:15:43,870 (La Madrina shushes) LA MADRINA: You talk almost 332 00:15:43,872 --> 00:15:45,956 too much. But you have aroused my 333 00:15:45,958 --> 00:15:49,793 curiosity. ARCHER: Just your curiosity? 334 00:15:49,795 --> 00:15:52,946 (La Madrina chuckles) LA MADRINA: No. 335 00:15:52,948 --> 00:15:55,749 (Archer coughing) But first, business, then 336 00:15:55,751 --> 00:15:59,753 pleasure, eh? (Archer coughing) 337 00:15:59,755 --> 00:16:02,256 ARCHER: Wha... LA MADRINA: Javier! 338 00:16:02,258 --> 00:16:04,258 JAVIER: Sí, Madrina. LA MADRINA: Pruébalo, por 339 00:16:04,260 --> 00:16:07,761 favor. If it is as pure as you say, 340 00:16:07,763 --> 00:16:10,180 and you have as much as you say... 341 00:16:10,182 --> 00:16:13,267 ARCHER: Oh, my God, we've got something like 900,000 342 00:16:13,269 --> 00:16:15,468 kilos. LA MADRINA: Eh, ¿cuanto? 343 00:16:15,470 --> 00:16:18,071 ARCHER: Wait, no, that's grams, so... 344 00:16:18,073 --> 00:16:21,358 LA MADRINA: So, 900 kilos. ARCHER: I... however many are 345 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:23,910 in a shit-ton. JAVIER: Permiso, Madrina. 346 00:16:23,912 --> 00:16:27,030 Noventa y seis por ciento puro. LA MADRINA: ¡Vaya! 347 00:16:27,032 --> 00:16:32,419 A toast, then, to new friends. ARCHER: Just friends? 348 00:16:32,421 --> 00:16:36,506 LA MADRINA: No. (Archer coughing) 349 00:16:36,508 --> 00:16:41,795 So, shall we have sex? (Archer coughing) 350 00:16:41,797 --> 00:16:52,889 CYRIL: Oh, man... How is it noon? 351 00:16:52,891 --> 00:16:55,809 And where the heck is Archer? RAY: I assume bothering a 352 00:16:55,811 --> 00:16:59,479 tiger. ARCHER: Oh, God. 353 00:16:59,481 --> 00:17:02,949 Please, no más. Oh, my God. 354 00:17:02,951 --> 00:17:05,819 LA MADRINA: Oh, are you sure? ARCHER: I was sure, like, 355 00:17:05,821 --> 00:17:07,821 three hours ago. And back then, I could still 356 00:17:07,823 --> 00:17:10,123 feel my legs. LA MADRINA: Are you sure you 357 00:17:10,125 --> 00:17:13,076 cannot make love to me just once more? 358 00:17:13,078 --> 00:17:15,295 ARCHER: Not without a blood transfusion, no. 359 00:17:15,297 --> 00:17:17,497 (La Madrina sighs) LA MADRINA: Very well. 360 00:17:17,499 --> 00:17:20,367 ARCHER: Ow! RAY: Which is why you don't 361 00:17:20,369 --> 00:17:22,369 bother tigers. LA MADRINA: Then you may call 362 00:17:22,371 --> 00:17:26,807 me Coronel Ana Maria Delgado de la Policía Nacional. 363 00:17:26,809 --> 00:17:28,975 ARCHER: What?! LA MADRINA: Sí, mi amor. 364 00:17:28,977 --> 00:17:31,812 I am-- how you say?-- deep cover. 365 00:17:31,814 --> 00:17:34,264 (whistles) ARCHER: Wait, no! 366 00:17:34,266 --> 00:17:36,516 No, no, no, no, no! RAY: At least let me take 367 00:17:36,518 --> 00:17:41,988 some churros! LA MADRINA: Malditos gringos. 368 00:17:41,990 --> 00:17:45,225 As if American demand for cocaína wasn't already 369 00:17:45,227 --> 00:17:49,863 destroying us, now you even try to smuggle it into my country? 370 00:17:49,865 --> 00:17:52,282 You make me sick! ARCHER: Then why'd you have 371 00:17:52,284 --> 00:17:54,401 sex with me? LA MADRINA: Por qué? 372 00:17:54,403 --> 00:17:58,405 Eres guapo. A La Culebra! 373 00:17:58,407 --> 00:18:03,794 (Malory mumbling) LANA: So, I get that you're 374 00:18:03,796 --> 00:18:08,081 mad, but they are in pretty dangerous territory, and Ray 375 00:18:08,083 --> 00:18:11,935 always answers his phone in the field, so I'm... 376 00:18:11,937 --> 00:18:14,971 actually worried. MALORY: Well, if you're so 377 00:18:14,973 --> 00:18:17,190 worried, why don't you go down there and rescue him? 378 00:18:17,192 --> 00:18:19,443 LANA: I... MALORY: Please? 379 00:18:19,445 --> 00:18:24,364 (crying): Go find my son and bring him home to me. 380 00:18:24,366 --> 00:18:28,268 ARCHER: And I didn't even get to meet her tiger. 381 00:18:28,270 --> 00:18:32,456 If she even had a tiger. Plus, at this rate, we're gonna 382 00:18:32,458 --> 00:18:34,574 run out of coke, huh? RAY: Now, there's a moot 383 00:18:34,576 --> 00:18:36,576 point. CYRIL: Since we're being 384 00:18:36,578 --> 00:18:39,946 trucked off to La Culebra, the most notorious prison in South 385 00:18:39,948 --> 00:18:42,215 America. ARCHER: Pff, notorious. 386 00:18:42,217 --> 00:18:44,134 Cyril, please, I was in the Lubyanka. 387 00:18:44,136 --> 00:18:46,420 CYRIL: Well, were you sent there by an undercover cop who 388 00:18:46,422 --> 00:18:48,972 knows she'll be murdered if anyone finds out she's La 389 00:18:48,974 --> 00:18:51,007 Madrina? ARCHER: No, idiot, I was... 390 00:18:51,009 --> 00:18:53,143 Oh. (Ray sighs) 391 00:18:53,145 --> 00:18:55,145 CYRIL: Yeah, so how long do do you think we're gonna last 392 00:18:55,147 --> 00:18:57,147 in prison? ARCHER: Hmm. 393 00:18:57,149 --> 00:18:59,983 (laughs) If we even make it to prison! 394 00:18:59,985 --> 00:19:05,605 Am I right, fellas? Fellas, am I right? 395 00:19:05,607 --> 00:19:08,909 Guys, if we get out of this, the first thing I'm gonna do, 396 00:19:08,911 --> 00:19:10,911 I swear to God... RAY: If you say "buy a 397 00:19:10,913 --> 00:19:14,224 tiger," we will beat you to death with your own shoes. 398 00:19:17,274 --> 00:19:27,784 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com