This is the best fried clam "Poh-boy" in Rhode Island.
Mhm. Oh, god.
Boo-yah. This clam-a-lama ding dong is of the jam.
I don't know what looks better, the "Poh-boy" or the fat-boy.
But luckily I ain't gots to choose... here we go... oh boy!
[sighs] This clam is money!
What the hell? [sniffs]
Tracy? We gotta talk about some goddamn boundaries in this place.
Dang. You look classy enough to work at Houston's.
Why you ganking my smokes?
Hurricane Brenda makes landfall in an hour.
You know how crazy Mom makes me.
- Whoa, whoa, where's your suit? - Oh, I was just gonna wear this.
Well, you're covering up your brand new tankini.
Are you worried about all the boys staring at you?
Tell you what? I'll wear a T-shirt too, okay?
- This is a really cool party, Tracy. - Thanks.
I was thinking, you know, maybe sometime we could, uh,
go to the movies or...
[rock music]
Holy shit!
Let's dance! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[Brenda laughs] Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, Mom knows how to throw down.
Frankly, I'm surprised she bothered to carry us both to term.
How are you so calm?
- It's not like you and Dad are BFF's. - Dad and I are cool.
Always have been, always will be.
You know how we do.
Dad, can we have burritos?
Mom's boyfriend Raphael makes awesome burritos.
- No, just get yourself a TV dinner. - TV dinner!
You know what I think, Dad?
Nothing's better than Salisbury steak and wrestling!
Oh! They're gone. Do you think the boglins took them?
The what? The... no.
- We'll just get KFC. - Kentucky fried chicken!
Oh boy. How many sides can we get?
One. Corn.
- Extra biscuit? - No.
Even without the potato wedges, them weekends was still amazing.
God. I wish I could lie to myself like you.
[title music]
1x07 - Family Weekend (or How Gary Got His Groove Back)
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Hey Pops, how many push-ups you think I'll do?
- I don't know. - Yo. Check this.
[Chozen gasps] One.
- Hey, I'm really proud of you, sweetie. - It's just a dumb award.
Hey, it's not dumb. You get to dress up,
there's a ceremony, and I get to share it with you.
Nights like this don't come often enough.
Yeah, I did a dozen. [chuckles]
Like, nine. That's a dozen, right?
- Okay, great. - You remember
when I won an award for eating all that pie?
Yeah, that wasn't an award. That was a receipt.
[tires screech]
[radio plays] # Ooh, yeah... get up #
Hi, Brenda. You look... new.
Gary! You look... scary.
Damn, Mom. You look like a real housewife.
And I ain't talking that Vicky Gunvalson nonsense neither.
You straight-up vanderpumpin'.
[Brenda smooches] Oh, please.
You must be breaking hearts left and right.
Nope. Just dicks. [Gary clears throat]
- Like mother, like son. - Eww.
Oh, hey, honey.
Girl! Love the highlights.
Now, um, are we sure about the length?
I don't know about you guys, but mama's thirsty.
[Brenda laughs]
Hi, yes, I'll have an Incredible Hulk, please.
- Excuse me? - Hypnotiq and hennessey.
Erryone knows that.
- And we running low on skrimps. - So what's new, Dad?
Well, not to steal the spotlight, but I got a new company car.
Malibu, fully loaded. Just like a premium rental.
- Mm. Cool as ever, Gare. - Gary Cullens?
Mather? What're you doing here?
Oh, my boy Thatcher. He's getting an award.
- Hey, uh, bro, just python it. - Damn!
Damn. Gary, credit where credit is due.
- Your wife is exquisite. - Ex-wife.
We can't all play in the big leagues.
Well, you look like you could swing a bat.
- Ugh, Mom. - What do you want, Mather?
Oh, just catching up. God. Last time I saw you
was during rush week. When we stripped you down,
tied you up, dropped you on the wrong side of the tracks.
- Hah! Remember that, Gare? - Vaguely. [Chozen laughs]
I like this dude. That maneuver would make
the punk'd master general himself, Ashton Kutcher,
- cream his jeans. - Love him.
- So what did you do? - I transferred.
Transferred what? Bees into his mama's house?
Ooh! A hollowed-out pen into the soft part of his neck?
Oh! His DNA into a dead hooker?
For god's sake, Phillip, I changed schools, all right? Let it go.
[P.A.] Attention. Award recipients and parents,
please report to the stage.
Well, that's me. Good catching up, Gare.
Beautiful.
And that's why me and my bros raised
almost ten large for breast cancer awareness.
Keep the titties healthy, y'all. Double D's, no disease.
Nailed it.
Thank you, Thatcher, and thank you, Dr. Brooks,
for your many generous donations to our university.
And now our sophomore winner
of the Palmview student service to youth award,
Ms. Tracy Cullens.
[clears throat, feedback]
Thank you for this great honor
I didn't volunteer at the suicide prevention hotline
for an award. No way. I did it to help my fellow students
especially those that are suffering from depression...
Oops. Oh. Oopsie.
- It's just a general feeling ... - Can't find my phone.
[people gasp]
Suicide is a permanent solution
to a temporary problem. Thank you.
Thatch! Tracy's mom! Crotch shot. Ten megapix.
- Tell me you got both holes. - The pink and the stink.
Fischer! So crucial, bro.
[feedback]
Mom, you pussy-winked the entire crowd!
- It was an accident. - Now the entire school
knows what my mother's bleached butthole looks like.
Tracy, no one cares about my bum-bum.
Brenda, why were you not wearing underwear?
Ugh. It's the weekend, Gare. What am I, a Mormon?
I love you, Brenda! Whoo!
- Hey! - Dad, psst! Dad!
- You know what your problem is? - My Mom's a windsock?
You're too uptight. You need to relax.
Mom, I'm not uptight. In fact, I'm meeting up
with friends later to celebrate.
So. Who knows? It could all get cray-cray.
Whoo! Ladies night! I like it.
You didn't put rapper wheels on it, did you?
Oh, Dad, those are called rims.
And trust me, you can't afford nice ones.
Behold, my gift to you.
[Mather shouts, muffled]
- What the hell is this? - Justice, Cullens-style.
Phil, this isn't right. It's illegal.
You pussy. Using your loser son to fight your battles. Hurry up.
Untie me so I can kick the shit out of you, you little b...
Oh, you done did it now.
Dad [chuckles] Dad, yo, ask me what time it is!
Phil, just get in the car.
Come on! Come on! Ask me what time it is.
[Gary sighs] What time is it?
Half past revenge.
[Gary sighs]
[club music plays] [laughter]
And that's when we realized that our little Tracy had gotten her first period.
I'll tell you one thing, she never wore white jeans again.
[Tracy sighs]
Your Mom's so funny.
My Mom was funny, before the stroke.
Nobody cares, Marcy.
Ugh. I hate tequila.
- Shoot it, pussy. - Don't pressure her.
Tracy's always been more of an eater than a drinker. Yolo!
Whoo! [Brenda laughs]
Let's dance!
♪ Are you ready ♪
Not in my house, Brenda.
[Tracy retches]
I gotta tell you, Phil,
ten minutes ago this seemed like a bad idea.
But right now... [glass brakes]
Oh shit! What was that?
She ain't breathing!
I don't feel a pulse. I think she dead.
[man chuckles]
[Chozen grunts]
Thanks boys. Ow-ow!
Malibu!
- Yeah, that's that classic "jack and jam." - The what?
You know, like when a dude dresses like a lady
and jump on your car, and you think he dead,
- but he... - Holy shit.
- What? - Mather.
[both hoot and holler]
Impressive. Wow. I didn't know you had it in you.
Yeah, I've had a lot of things in me.
Jesus christ, Tracy.
Your friends are a bunch of pussies.
Yeah. They're not like us, right, Mom? Mom?
[Brenda laughs]
Goddamn it.
What the hell are we gonna do? Mather is still in that trunk.
It's all good, Pops. He's a tough dude.
Broke my sleeper hold twice before he went under.
Okay. I'm calling the police.
- Hey! - No po-po.
There's a silver fox bound and gagged in your trunk.
- How you gonna explain that? - That was a company phone.
Hey, maybe this guy saw something.
No, Dad. Come on.
Hey man, what you need?
Well, I was wondering if you've seen my car.
It's a top-of-the-line atlantis blue...
- Move on, snowflake. - Oh, big man has a gun, huh?
I want my Malibu! Where's my Malibu?
The hell are you doing? You wanna become
another teardrop on that man's face?
The hood got built-in surveillance. They're called fiends.
Yo Dad, let me see your watch right quick.
Baseheads! Come out and play-ay-ay!
Any y'all seen a stolen Chevy Malibu?
I seent it! I seent it!
- What color the whip? - Blue!
- The overpass behind the swap meet! - Thank you, creature of the night.
And don't be smoking my Dad's watch all in one place.
Yo, you ever peep the accused on Netflix?
- No. Why? - There's just, like,
this one super-funny scene, but it's not a big deal.
What're you even doing here?
Heard something about a mama-cougar
roaming these parts. And from the looks of it,
her cub's having trouble keeping up.
- Ugh, that bitch is exhausting. - You know, Tracy,
not to get too preachy on you or anything here,
but you should be glad you have a mother.
Take me for instance. I was raised by a man named Ronald.
He ran a puppy mill up in the mountains.
I hated the son of a bitch.
- What happened to your mom? - Uh, I don't know.
It's an unsolved mystery.
I mean, it was literally a segment on unsolved mysteries.
[bell clangs] Last call.
- Oh, thank god. - Hey, girl!
- Ooh, who's the rock and roller? - Mm. Au chante.
Jameson Z. Cromwell. But you can call me Jimmy.
Oh, no. Is the bar closing? Oh, well, too bad.
Guess we'd better call it a night.
Or we could call it a beginning.
I'm talking after-party. Shooters, beers.
The magical bonding of a mother and daughter.
Nothing sexual, of course. You guys would never
have to go down on each other or anything.
- Just bond. - I'm in. Tray?
Sure. [Jimmy growls]
[Brenda meows and laughs]
Get it? We're cats, Trace.
Oh, man. You almost got shot.
Ah, he was never gonna pull.
For real, though. You was almost a statistic.
Just another middle-aged white man taken by the hood.
You know, you were really good back there.
Yeah, I picked up a few things in prison.
I learned how to talk to people.
Get in their heads. And other places.
Damn!
Boom! Street cred.
Oh, can't wait for Ricky and Crisco to see this.
Aah! He's not here.
- Maybe he got away. - Well, that's one possibility.
Do you wanna give this to his son, or should I?
You think they killed him?
Judging by the angle of the splatter,
they cut his jugular with this knife.
Which I probably should not have picked up.
Jesus christ! Wha... No-no-no!
- It was just a joke! - Then they dumped the body.
Unless they was freaks. I mean, they could be eating his brains
or maybe grinding his bones down into dick-pills
for little chinese ballers. You know they do that.
Oh my god! Oh my god!
Oh, the car's registered in my name!
Our fingerprints are everywhere!
- What the hell are we gonna do? - Run! Run!
[boom!]
- My life is over. - The only life that's over is your car's.
And probably Mather's.
I bet he's being absorbed into the bloodstream
of P. F. Chang himself.
Do you not understand what's going on right now?
Yeah. But what you goan do?
Shit goes wrong. You just gotta roll with it.
Roll with it? I rolled with it when you decided to be a black person.
I rolled with it when I caught you in the tool shed sucking Blaine's dick.
And I rolled with it when you went to prison!
- I'm done rolling. - Well, stupid me.
I thought that's what dads were supposed to do.
I was just trying to have fun with you, man.
[house music]
Party-time! Party-time!
Ooh, got some dangerous curves there, missy.
Jimmy!
Well, if you'll excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna go get high on cocaine.
If you catch my drift.
Hey, beautiful. I'm Keegan. [chuckles]
Well, I'm Brenda. And I'm thirsty.
Oh, say it ain't so. Let's get you a drink.
No, no, no. Let me.
Let's go.
Keegan. Is that French?
While I appreciate all the squat work you putting in at the gym,
even your toned behind cannot release me out of these melancholies.
[music plays]
♪ When I was young, me and my Papa had beef ♪
♪ Salisbury steak on Saturday was a treat ♪
♪ I was wild, but poppy kept a stone face ♪
♪ even triple-h could never take my Pop's place ♪
♪ flash to today, it's straight like you never knew me ♪
♪ come undone, like that time when Blaine blew me ♪
♪ black in my ways, back in the day I was a weird bird ♪
♪ Chozen by life, never been trite, that's my word ♪
♪ from the bottom of my heart, Papa ♪
♪ yeah, you was my hero from the start, Papa ♪
♪ ugh, you didn't get me ♪
♪ but you tried your best ♪
♪ raising a boy like me? ♪
♪ quite the test ♪
♪ I'll make you proud real soon, Papa ♪
♪ yeah, I'mma sell a million tunes, Papa ♪
♪ ugh, you ain't choose me, and I ain't choose you ♪
♪ bottom line, Pops ♪
♪ you a solid dude ♪
- How'd you find me? - Eh, lucky guess.
Have a seat. Lucas is on next.
He's half-Filipino and very flexible.
Yeah. Uh, look, Phillip, I'm...
I'm really not much of a talker. So I got you something.
All wedges?
[Chozen grunts]
Thanks, Pops. Look on the bright side.
I mean, the guy who ruined your life is dead.
You can move on now.
Mather didn't ruin my life. If I hadn't switched schools,
I never would've met your mom. Ah man, we had some fun.
Then why did y'all mess it up?
Eh, I don't know. Life gets complicated.
Y'know, you grow up. You get a job. Have kids.
I knew Tracy ruined it. She was a selfish baby.
Always crying and shit. She made me mad, too.
No, it wasn't your sister.
[sighs] I guess you're old enough to hear this now.
- I slept with the babysitter. - Oh, nice!
My Dad, creeping on a side-piece. [laughs]
We men. We do what we do. [chuckles]
Hey yo, hold up. Grandma was our only babysitter.
Oh! Dad. You nasty.
This monster right here, this is Derkis.
- Hey. - Now, I just want you to know,
this is gonna be a very erotic experience.
And don't worry. Our dicks have definitely touched tips before.
We're very cool with it.
Ooh, perfect. Un-ocupado.
- Uh... - Tracy?
I knew you'd be back. Derkis digs quartets.
- What are you doing? - She is about to embark
on a sexual journey with two seasoned navigators.
Wow. Really? Is this what you're into?
Yeah. I mean, no.
I give up. This isn't me.
You're right, I am uptight. I like getting good grades.
I like drinking wine in my dorm room.
I like falling asleep on the couch.
I like having sex with just one person at a time.
It's just... I can't keep up with you.
Honey, no one can keep up with me. But that's fine. Look.
I am 45, divorced, and I'm still figuring it out.
Okay? I think you got me beat.
Oh, Mom. You're not 45.
[Keegan sighs]
This always happens.
[Brenda growls]
- Let's go home. - Sure thing, sweetie.
Just gotta make a pit-stop in the ladies room.
I'm a spaceman!
Phil, come on. Could you just please
take the bucket off your head for a moment?
- I'd like to talk to you. - Oh, okay.
Ooh. I got some honey mustard on my do-rag.
I've been thinking. You've already lost ten years.
So I... I think there's really only one way to handle this.
I'm gonna take the rap for you, son. I'll tell the cops I acted alone.
You would do that for me, Pops? That's some real love shit.
But, for real, I'm good either way. I mean, you the
one with the motive. I don't even know who that guy is.
Also, I slipped Lucas a 20, so my alibi is skin-tight.
[car horn honks]
So long, fellas. Congrats again.
Gary. Gary's weirdo son.
Amazing night!
Oh my god. You're alive. What happened?
Well, it's quite a tale. And I gotta admit,
I was pretty steamed at first.
Things were hot in the trunk,
but they were even hotter at the trailer park.
I thought I was gonna die.
[men scream]
Lucky for me, they needed a doctor.
It'd been a long time since medical school,
and I'm not a pussy doctor.
But they gave me something that showed me the way.
Not gonna lie.
Things got pretty weird for a second.
[baby cries]
And then we partied till dawn.
I've had some crazy nights, but that topped 'em all.
I'd offer you a free testicle enlargement,
but you know what, my man? You don't need it.
So I almost had a threesome last night.
Oh yeah? For a minute there, Dad and I murdered a dude.
- You okay? - No. I ate too many wedges.
Sorry, we have to leave early.
- I gotta drop the Gare off. - Give me the keys, Brenda.
- Wow. What? - I'm driving.
Ooh. Can you handle it, Gare? It's stick.
Oh, well, yeah, in that case, you should probably drive.
[car horn honks]
Oof. Think I'm gonna throw up.
You gonna have to wait, because them wedges
are knocking on the back door.
[Tracy grunts]
I'll come back for you!
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~