- Taking up tennis? - No, it's an electric fly swatter. Ripped By mstoll
- I wanna see it work. - We need a fly.
I've been waiting all morning. Did you honestly just kill one?
Hey, what's going on, guys...? Ooh! Aah!
Walk with dignity, you giant toddler.
Schmidt, you gotta get this stuff out of here.
Can't afford storage. My money's tied up in this storefront for Jess' sister.
Why don't you put yourjunk in the storefront, Schmidt?
You want me to put an lan Schrager rug in a room without climate control?
What? Oh, he was the guy in Star Wars. Medium talent.
- Hey, guys. Morning. - Hey, Jess.
Come on, Coach! Let's hustle!
I got Coach ajob at the school and it's his first day.
I don't like kids, I don't like teaching, I just like paychecks.
JESS: Well, I think you're gonna love it. - I don't think I'm gonna love it.
Run! Do not stop running or I will eat your faces and bodies!
Keep running or I will murder your family!
[BOY CHUCKLES]
I love this job.
You're pissing me off! This one. This one. I got my eye on you.
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?
It's Jess
Thanks for helping me move my stuff.
[PIANO MELODY PLAYING]
[SINGING] Lots of heavy boxes
God, I've fallen. Almost below you now, Nick.
Just fellow passengers stuck in the caboose of life.
You think I'm in the caboose of life?
You love it in the caboose, not me. It hurts. It's actually quite jarring.
Loves it in the caboose
I don't.
WINSTON: Yes, you do
- Uh, hi, you guys open? - This actually is not a store.
Oh, that's too bad. I really like that lamp.
You like the lamp? I'm sorry, it doesn't feel like a store yet is what I meant to say.
- Piano player's a nice touch. SCHMIDT: Thank you very much.
He's lovely, isn't he? Please look around. Feel free.
The lamp is, uh, 100 percent full price.
- Uh, everything's 100 percent full price. - What you're doing is illegal.
You can't say this is a store.
Not taking advice from you. You pronounce the G in lasagna.
Lasagna...
[CERAMIC BREAKING] [TIM YELLS]
Oh, my God. I think my arm's broken.
I'm gonna sue the crap out of you.
[PLAYS DRAMATIC NOTES]
Winston! Quiet.
I have Jamal Chambers in fourth period and he cannot stop talking about...
...how fun and enthusiastic his new volleyball coach was.
- You were right. I love this job. - I knew it! I knew you'd love it.
- Hey. - I was looking for you.
You weren't in my car. Internet's down.
Okay, um, I rebooted the router. You're actually on the wrong IP address, so there you go.
Ooh. You know I can see everything you search for?
I'm a biology teacher. It's all research.
- Fixing computers and stuff now? - I'm just taking on extra responsibility.
Getting done what needs doing.
Graffiti's wrong, kids. Don't do it.
I love corn on the cob too, but I'm not going to paint it on the walls.
I'm just hoping, you know, in a few years...
...I'll have enough experience that Dr. Foster will consider me...
...for Vice Principal. - Why don't you just ask?
You can't just ask for a promotion, you know.
You have to earn the promotion with years of good work.
[CHUCKLING]
What's funny?
Ah. How's that working out for you, Jess?
Do you see this volleyball?
It won't get over the net because you want it to...
...and you hope someone will notice.
I'm gonna ask you one more time.
What do you want?
- Um, I want to be Vice Principal. - All right. Spike that ball, Jess.
Oh. That's not... Okay. Um...
- You got to spike it. - You're not...
- I'm not very good... - Spike it!
- I've never been good with athlete balls. - Spike it! What do you want?
- To be Vice Principal. - Tell me what you want!
I want to be the Vice Principal!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
- Ow! - Oh!
Oh.
I will not laugh.
An outrage! I can't afford anybody.
Access to premium legal counsel should be every Jew's birthright.
And the jury will see that there is no justice for the Hebrew man.
- Not in these so-called United States. - What are you doing?
I can't get enough of this legal drama. Check this out. Favorite author? Grisham.
Favorite TV show? Judging Amy. Favorite color? Courtroom brown.
Courtroom Brown. Damn, I wish that was my nickname.
- It's perfect, man. - Courtroom Brown.
- Dude, you're a born Courtroom Brown. - That's me when you say it. I respond.
Hey, Winston. Hey, Courtroom Brown.
- Yes? Ha, ha! - Ooh-hoo! Kill it, Courtroom!
- That's awesome! - What am I supposed to do?
- Represent myself like some nut job? - Nick could be your lawyer.
This Nick? Vivica A. Dropout?
First, I don't want to be involved, but thank you, Courtroom Brown.
Second, I passed the bar. Which means I can practice in the state of California.
You would be the worst in the whole world.
- No offense. I love you, dog. - I could be your lawyer easy.
You don't forget how. It's like riding a bike.
They've changed these!
Fine, I forgot how to ride a bike, but I'm not gonna forget how to be a lawyer.
I have no choice. You can be my lawyer, Nick.
I won't do it. I value myself too great for that.
If you want me to be your lawyer, if you want to win...
...you must start with the word, "please."
And I'll need a symbolic $5 retainer.
- Four dollars. - Let's do it.
JESS: Dr. Foster, I am young, I'm energetic...
...and I think it's about time you take advantage of me.
Well, this is a little awkward.
I'm, uh, exclusively into Asian women.
It's really a Kristi Yamaguchi thing. After Lillehammer...
I meant professionally, to take advantage of me.
- Oh. I'm sorry. - It's a professional thing.
I want to be Vice Principal. Frank retired, you need someone.
I deserve it. I bust my ass for this school.
You've got it. The job is yours.
- It is? - My God, are you kidding?
I thought I was gonna have to force somebody. This is so much easier.
- Really? - Go ahead. Be Vice Principal.
[CHUCKLES]
- I can't believe this! - In fact, you should start right now.
You will not be sorry, sir.
- Did you? - I got the job!
- Oh! - Yeah! Ha, ha.
- Let's celebrate. - I spiked the ball! No! No!
- I'm not doing that! No! - Let's celebrate! Let me pour it on you!
Yeah. It, uh, looks standard. Yeah.
You're definitely being sued.
Uh, your deposition is tomorrow...
Do we prep for the plaintiff?
I don't like prepping. It makes me nervous. I feel boxed in and I'm very quick on my, uh...
Did you just forget the word "feet"?
- Feet, yeah. - You should really prep.
- Fair enough. Winston, you're my plaintiff. - Done deal. Heh. Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hi, my name is Tim Baker. I live at 522 Dugan Court Terrace.
Okay, Mr. Baker, how long have you been a chef?
- I don't have to answer that. - You actually do, though, Winston.
Doesn't he?
- Why are you asking me, man? - No, I'm not...
- You're the lawyer. - No, I know. You have to answer.
- I answered that during background. - What? You did background without me?
Why wasn't I invited for background? How long have you been a chef?
You're fired!
Give me another chance.
No!
Here's something: Get on a plane with me.
While you think about it, put this on my card. It's the black one.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[WHISTLES]
Wow. That just happened? You think we should take his card and buy him a new shirt?
[CHUCKLES]
I'm scared he'd want to change in front of us.
- I'm Cece. - Hi, Cece, I'm Buster.
- I really hope that's a nickname. - No, it's not.
- That's your real name? - I was bullied.
- Hi, Buster. - All right, hold on.
- I've got an eye for young boys. - Oh, God.
That's right, I said it. It's not a typo. Let's see some ID.
- God, you're handsome. - Sorry.
Wyoming. Look at that. Wyoming.
So you're one of the three people from Wyoming.
[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] Yeah. Cowboy state. Big sky country. Home of the Liberty Bell.
Bull snatch. That's an aawul accent. What is your real accent?
Are you Australian or from heaven? How old are you for real?
- Don't bull snatch a bull snatcher. - Leave him alone. You're over 21, right?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm not. I'm 20.
- Get out of here. - Can I get my ID?
No, of course not, you can't. It'd be against the law, you wonderful creature.
BUSTER: Nice to meet you, Cece. - Good God, you look nice.
Nothing irks me like underage drinking.
It's stupid, it's dangerous, it's irresponsible.
God, I want to have sex with that kid so bad, it's freaking me out.
Ah. I'm real tingly.
JESS: We have to talk about the budget. - Problem? But it's due Monday.
- Yeah. - Do we have too much money?
- No. - We need to fire people.
- What? - And when I say "we," I mean you.
- Start with the most recent hires. - We have, um...
...Janet from the History Department. - Pfft. Human garbage.
- Okay. Ernie, uh... - Oh, yeah.
No, that's Coach. No, no. No.
- No, he's very good at his job. - Last one in, first one out.
- You know how this works. - That's wrong.
- This is the job. - He's my friend. I can't. No.
- I'm not firing Coach. - This is the job, Miss Day.
Do you want it or not?
- I'm what? - We had to do budget cuts...
...and we have to let two people go and you're my friend and I couldn't stop it.
I'm so sorry.
[BOYS LAUGHING]
We all pitched in.
Thanks guys, but I'm not coach anymore.
I'm just Coach.
[COACH SOBS THEN GROANS]
Morning, Winston.
Are you not talking to me?
Look, I had to fire Coach for my job.
I didn't want to.
Don't squint at me.
Don't do that.
I did it for my job. It wasn't my choice.
WINSTON: Hey, Nick. What's up, man? - What's up, Win?
- Hey, Nick. Can we talk for a second? - Hey.
Schmidt fired me and now I'll never get to use this briefcase...
...I just bought and it was $19! - I think my thing is a little...
Do you think I'm sexier when I hold it or not?
Because I think it's sexier when I hold it like this.
- Not really. - Do I look like a man of power?
Imagine this, it's, like, a rainy day, I'm on the streets of New York.
[NICK WHISTLES]
Hey! Stop that cab!
I'm a business man. I'm late to an important meeting.
I feel like I would've been good at this.
You don't want to be a lawyer. Why do you care Schmidt fired you?
I spent all those years at law school with those preppy dicks...
...and I never got to prove them wrong, Jess.
Okay, go after what you want. Just make sure that what you want...
...doesn't make you a cog on the wheel of a larger flawed system.
Stop it. Shut your mouth. Because what you're saying is beautiful.
I'm gonna go put on my power suit.
- High and loud, girl. Whoo! - Um...
- Good talk, Nick. - I feel so sexy, it's disgusting.
- I think you misunderstood... - Whoo!
- Your representation running late? - Uh, no, I'll be representing myself today.
Sorry we're late. This building is a mess.
Nick Miller of, uh, Cooper, Bishop and Furguson.
As you know, my boss and senior partner, Mr. Winston Furguson.
Gentlemen, pleased to be with you. Please, don't get up. I insist.
Madam Secretary.
- What are you doing? - Representing you.
- Everything all right? - I wasn't expecting these...
...two very real lawyers to show up.
We wanted you to know that the entire firm is standing behind you.
Besides, whether I sit in my office or in here...
...it is all billable. Am I right, gentlemen?
[LAUGHING]
Well, shall we get into this orjust take our pants off?
[NICK CHUCKLES]
[SLAP]
- Ask questions. - Let me do my thing.
- Do your thing. - Ahem. Mr. Baker.
Yes?
- What's your home address? - 522 Dugan Court Terrace.
NICK: Okay.
[NICK CLEARS THROAT]
No further questions.
What?
- Keep going. Just keep going. - Ow!
- What are you...? Don't hit me. - Is everything all right?
Sure it is. The meter's running.
[LAWYERS LAUGH]
Even though you don't work at Coolidge, you'll still be Coach Coach to those kids.
- Coach Coach. - Yeah, Coach Coach.
- Coach Coach. - Coach Coach.
- I'm sorry. - Ah, it's all good, Jess.
You did what you had to do.
- I'm proud of you for that, okay? - Yeah.
- I hope I'm the first of many you fire. - That means a lot to me.
I am gonna miss those kids though.
That's what I'm gonna miss. Those little bastards.
Little Ronnie. He's so clumsy and slow.
- Yeah. - Thomas...
...he's strong, but that boy is a classic middle child.
He's just looking for love, up, back and sideways.
[JESS CHUCKLES]
[WHIMPERING] And Maurice...
[JESS SOBS]
...always makes a mess whenever he eats a popsicle. It's like:
"Stop sucking your popsicle like that, you'll never get a girlfriend."
[SOBBING]
- And then there's Hunter. - God.
That cross-eyed, clodhopping Hunter.
Hunter's the sweetest little idiot there ever was.
[CRYING] He's so sweet. He's so sweet.
Screw this. Because...
...you told me to go after what I wanted and this is not what I wanted.
- Let's go. We'll get you to that game. - It's okay. They're playing Pasadena.
They don't stand a chance. Pasadena's a bunch of bitch-ass tricks...
...weren't raised right. - Hey. What do you want?
Well, I want to be there.
So spike that ball!
That was not a ball, that was beer.
I know, I feel really bad about it.
- Don't feel bad! - Let's go!
- You got me all fired up!
I think you're gonna have to drive.
"Mr. Miller: Were you or were you not wearing oversized shoes in the store?
Mr. Baker: I was not. I told you that. Mr. Miller: But are you sure?
Mr. Schmidt: Shut up, Nick. Mr. Miller: Let me do this. Ow, stop it.
Mr. Schmidt: Stop what? You're hitting yourself.
Mr. Miller: You're a child.
Mr. Schmidt: A child would be a better lawyer.
Mr. Furguson: Children are our future. Mr. Berklan: So true.
Mr. Miller: I need to regroup. I'm gonna stall a little bit. Watch this.
- Could the lady typer read that back?" - All right. We've had enough.
My client is graciously willing to settle for $20,000.
As an actual real attorney, I highly suggest you take the deal.
- Great. We'll do... - Not a chance.
Not a chance. Sorry. Come on, Schmidt, here we go.
- You are not taking that settlement. - At least if it's $20,000...
...I can get out of that hole someday. - I got a plan. Just give me a chance.
Can you believe in me?
[SCHMIDT SIGHS]
- All right. I believe in you. Deal. - Deal.
- What's the plan? - Not telling. You'll get mad.
I take it back. I don't believe in you.
[BOYS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
- How long is this game? - Go get them, Coach.
All right! Listen up, you no-talent idiot babies!
Give me that! Give me that!
- Give me that. - Oh, thank God.
Bring it in! Come on!
All right. Now, who is gonna win this match?
- Coolidge! - Who's number one?
BOYS: Coolidge! - Let me hear it! Who are we?
- Coolidge! - Rakim!
Really, Rakim? I just walked you right up to it and you're gonna...
- We're gonna talk. - Coolidge!
It's too late, man. All right, guys! Get out there, make me proud!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Miss Day. What is going on? - What?
I thought you fired Coach.
Look, Coach loves the kids and the kids love him.
I want this job, but I'm not gonna do it your way.
I'm not gonna let our best people go.
You were the one who told me we have no money.
We can make it up. We can be creative.
We can rent out the multi-purpose room after school to local clubs.
And where will the orchestra practice? Did you ever consider that, Miss Day?
Or were you too busy buying a ladies' bike?
- What? - They can use the library.
- No one goes in there anyway. - Yeah, let's burn all the books!
Except for The Da Vinci Code.
Well, that took a weird turn, but thank you, Susan.
That's so nice. What a great solution.
Come on! Let's do it! Oh!
[BOYS CHEERING]
- You animal! BOY: We did it!
Hit that robot! Unh! Unh! Yeah!
I guess we can figure out some way to keep him.
God, you frost my cookies.
Thank you.
[ALL CHEERING]
Wait, what about...? Get back out there!
- Still have a game to play! - Coach! Guess what?
Ball!
- It's okay. - Don't laugh, guys. Ha, ha.
- I'm okay. I'm gonna sit down. - Did you see that hit her face?
- Are you going to sit...? - No, I'm going to stand.
Isn't that what we're doing? Standing, for the little guy?
- What's the plan? - Injustice.
I will not stand for it. That is why I will sit right now.
I will sit down in this chair...
[YELLS]
You're negligent!
[NICK YELLS]
Get off me! My neck! My neck!
Seriously? The fall-down-on-the-chair bit? This your first case?
Yes, it is. And that is why I'll file petition on petition.
You're gonna wake up in the morning to paperwork.
Gonna go to bed at night to paperwork.
How about this, gentlemen?
You pay the $20,000 settlement to your client yourself...
...and you'll never see our faces again.
What do you call a lunatic who's only got one case...
...and no hobbies? Your worst nightmare.
Let's go, guys.
Listen, Bill, if you ever want to play with the big boys...
...you'll give me a ring, won't you?
This is a baseball card.
Yeah.
NICK & SCHMIDT: All right.
Cheers.
SCHMIDT: Ah. Another round of shots. - On the house.
You don't get to say that. You know that?
Oh. I knew you'd come back for me.
What do you want to do now? You wanna drive?
Oh, no. Mike!
- What? - I got it, thank you.
- Hey. - I just wanted to come and say...
...first things first, the legal drinking age in Australia is 18.
And secondly, you're really beautiful.
Like, you're really beautiful. I want to take you out sometime.
But because I'm 20 and at a bit of a disadvantage...
...I thought I'd do some self-promotion to help the cause.
- Okay. - And let you know...
...I just opened my own business.
I build boats.
- Uh, wooden boats, with my hands. CECE: Mm-hm.
Um, all the ladies love me. They call me sensitive.
And I'm a really good cook. I know three dishes.
And two of those dishes are the same thing.
[CHUCKLES]
That's it. What do you think? Want to get a drink?
- Like a soft drink? - Soft drink, a walk.
- Can you have a coffee? - I love coffee.
It's one of the three meals that I know how to make.
- All right. - Well done, sir.
WINSTON: Oh!
You know what? We could actually... We could probably go now.
I'd like to comb your hair, you hunk.
I don't know them. They come, drink, and talk about things they don't know!
Mike, I'm gonna take a break. I don't know when I'll be back. Meet you out front.
Stop what you're doing, there's a lawyer here to make...
Jessica?
Jessica, I won the case.
If you woke up right now, we could be making love.
Jessica.
Power couple.
Oh, I miss the comfort of this house
Where we are, where we are
[NICK SIGHS] Ripped By mstoll