1
00:00:04,445 --> 00:00:08,444
'Our adventure began in
the old Burmese capital Rangoon,

2
00:00:08,445 --> 00:00:11,444
'where, having bought
three ancient lorries...'

3
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:14,245
Hammond, this seat is a church pew.

4
00:00:14,275 --> 00:00:17,274
'..we were told we had to build a
bridge over the River Kwai that was

5
00:00:17,275 --> 00:00:19,274
'strong enough to support them.'

6
00:00:19,275 --> 00:00:22,274
How big a bridge are we going to have
to build to support my truck?

7
00:00:22,275 --> 00:00:24,274
How much does yours weigh?
About 1,000 tonnes.

8
00:00:24,275 --> 00:00:29,274
'Getting to the river in Thailand
meant a 1,200 mile journey

9
00:00:29,275 --> 00:00:32,274
'across Burma on roads that
were dangerous...'

10
00:00:32,275 --> 00:00:35,274
Whoa.

11
00:00:35,275 --> 00:00:37,274
'..mountainous...'

12
00:00:37,275 --> 00:00:39,275
Ahhhhh!

13
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,519
'..and often not roads at all.'

14
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:44,519
Watch the wheel spin.
Sliding badly.

15
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:49,519
'Since the producers insisted
we stay in Burmese truck stops...'

16
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:51,520
Oh, it's not so bad.

17
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,519
'..we turned our lorries
into houses.'

18
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,520
Not all of my improvements
have turned out to be improvements.

19
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,519
'Way out in the middle of nowhere,
we ran out of fuel,

20
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,519
'and whilst looking for diesel...'

21
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,519
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

22
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:14,519
'..Hammond was thrown by a stallion
and injured his arm.'

23
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,520
Ah, BLEEP.

24
00:01:16,659 --> 00:01:21,658
'Worse still, James's snoring
forced us to take drastic action.'

25
00:01:21,659 --> 00:01:23,658
Clarkson!

26
00:01:23,659 --> 00:01:25,658
'And everywhere we went,

27
00:01:25,659 --> 00:01:29,659
'Hammond's vertical exhausts
were causing chaos.'

28
00:01:30,659 --> 00:01:32,658
I've lost my other stack.

29
00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:36,659
As you know, we're not the US
Marines, we leave a man behind.

30
00:02:06,659 --> 00:02:08,659
Sorry.

31
00:02:09,659 --> 00:02:12,659
It's OK. Nothing to see.

32
00:02:16,659 --> 00:02:17,659
Ow.

33
00:02:19,659 --> 00:02:23,658
'Far ahead of Hammond's
disintegrating lorry,

34
00:02:23,659 --> 00:02:27,658
'James and I were about to enter a
secretive region of Burma known as

35
00:02:27,659 --> 00:02:29,658
'the Shan state.

36
00:02:29,659 --> 00:02:32,658
'A civil war has raged
here for 60 years.

37
00:02:32,659 --> 00:02:38,659
'No television crew has ever been
allowed in. We would be the first.'

38
00:02:40,659 --> 00:02:43,658
There is a very good reason
why it's so secretive in there.

39
00:02:43,659 --> 00:02:46,658
You see, the travel companies
would have you believe that

40
00:02:46,659 --> 00:02:50,658
the Golden Triangle is,
well, it's a tourist attraction,

41
00:02:50,659 --> 00:02:53,659
at the point where Thailand, Burma
and Laos all meet.

42
00:02:55,659 --> 00:02:59,658
But the golden triangle
with the - how can I put this -

43
00:02:59,659 --> 00:03:04,659
the special agriculture -
that is in the Shan.

44
00:03:06,659 --> 00:03:10,658
Apparently, some of the special
agriculture is known as horse,

45
00:03:10,659 --> 00:03:15,658
they're obviously growing horses
somehow. I shall look for those.

46
00:03:15,659 --> 00:03:18,659
Fields of horses growing in them.

47
00:03:23,659 --> 00:03:26,658
Here we go. Warm and cordial
welcome, this is it. This is it.

48
00:03:26,659 --> 00:03:28,659
We are entering the Shan.

49
00:03:31,659 --> 00:03:34,659
We genuinely are representing
the Western world.

50
00:03:36,659 --> 00:03:38,659
Good job I'm wearing a tie.

51
00:03:40,659 --> 00:03:42,658
'Unfortunately,
as the roads started to climb,

52
00:03:42,659 --> 00:03:46,659
'James and I rather forgot
the significance of where we were.'

53
00:03:50,659 --> 00:03:52,659
Go! Come on, lorry.

54
00:03:57,659 --> 00:04:02,658
'Welcome, then, to the inaugural
Shan state lorry hill climb.

55
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:04,658
'A sport where a
single botched gear change

56
00:04:04,659 --> 00:04:06,658
'can make all the difference.'

57
00:04:06,659 --> 00:04:08,659
Attempt to squeeze in.

58
00:04:09,659 --> 00:04:10,659
It's coming.

59
00:04:14,659 --> 00:04:18,659
No, no, no!
I'm trapped by the pick-up.

60
00:04:19,659 --> 00:04:21,659
Eat my dirt.

61
00:04:28,659 --> 00:04:30,659
Got the inside line.

62
00:04:37,659 --> 00:04:39,659
This is the best race in the world.

63
00:04:40,659 --> 00:04:43,658
I've blocked him, I blocked him.

64
00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:47,659
Shall we call a temporary truce
while we go through the town, yeah?

65
00:04:50,659 --> 00:04:52,658
When we get back,
if we're interviewed by MI6

66
00:04:52,659 --> 00:04:55,658
and they say,
"What was it like in the Shan?"

67
00:04:55,659 --> 00:04:58,658
We'll have to go, "I don't know,
we were racing lorries."

68
00:04:58,659 --> 00:05:02,658
I am embarrassed to be
the first Westerner in here

69
00:05:02,659 --> 00:05:05,659
and I'm driving a sports lorry with
a pink teddy bear on the front.

70
00:05:08,659 --> 00:05:12,658
'To make us look more dignified,
I put Rudyard in the cab,

71
00:05:12,659 --> 00:05:16,867
'and then
we set off into the unknown.'

72
00:05:20,659 --> 00:05:21,659
God above.

73
00:05:23,659 --> 00:05:25,658
I think I've accidentally
taken a short cut

74
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:28,659
into the set of Game Of Thrones.

75
00:05:34,659 --> 00:05:38,658
'Here, in a region that is bigger
than England and Wales put together,

76
00:05:38,659 --> 00:05:43,659
'there is just one road, built
150 years ago, by the British.

77
00:05:44,659 --> 00:05:48,658
'But there is no electricity,
no mobile phone signal, no TV,

78
00:05:48,659 --> 00:05:50,658
'no hotels, no hospitals.

79
00:05:50,659 --> 00:05:52,659
'And in the skies, no planes.'

80
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:00,659
That is gigantic.

81
00:06:05,659 --> 00:06:08,658
'Bowled over by it all,
James and I pulled over,

82
00:06:08,659 --> 00:06:10,658
'and after Hammond caught up...'

83
00:06:10,659 --> 00:06:14,658
Oh, yes, the 1920s is arriving.

84
00:06:14,659 --> 00:06:18,658
'..we tried to work out why
us three had been the first ones

85
00:06:18,659 --> 00:06:20,658
'allowed in here.'

86
00:06:20,659 --> 00:06:21,658
Think about it.

87
00:06:21,659 --> 00:06:26,658
If you were North Korea, and you
wanted to portray to your people

88
00:06:26,659 --> 00:06:31,658
how lumpen and useless the West was,
you'd invite us three, wouldn't you?

89
00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:33,658
Yeah.

90
00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:35,658
Because we'd wander about
and the North Koreans would go,

91
00:06:35,659 --> 00:06:38,658
"Why would we want to be Western?
Look at them. They're dreadful."

92
00:06:38,659 --> 00:06:40,658
You've got bird poo on
your shoulder. I have.

93
00:06:40,659 --> 00:06:43,658
So what the government is
essentially saying to these

94
00:06:43,659 --> 00:06:45,658
people is, why would you want to
live like they do in the West?

95
00:06:45,659 --> 00:06:48,658
Look at them. There's another
thing that we're doing.

96
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,658
This is just an incidental service.

97
00:06:50,659 --> 00:06:53,658
They haven't seen many
Westerners here.

98
00:06:53,659 --> 00:06:56,658
We are at least showing...
They're not going to end up saying,

99
00:06:56,659 --> 00:06:59,658
"They all look the same to me,"
are they? With us three.

100
00:06:59,659 --> 00:07:03,658
That's just blatantly racist.

101
00:07:03,659 --> 00:07:07,658
No... Clearly. Yes, you are.
You are.

102
00:07:07,659 --> 00:07:09,658
You're assuming that they think
we all look the same

103
00:07:09,659 --> 00:07:11,658
because we think
they all look the same.

104
00:07:11,659 --> 00:07:13,658
Now you're making a leap,
I didn't...

105
00:07:13,659 --> 00:07:16,658
You're completing something
that I didn't put in.

106
00:07:16,659 --> 00:07:18,659
Yes, we are,
but it's quite good fun.

107
00:07:20,659 --> 00:07:23,659
'Keen to see more of the Shan,
we moved on.'

108
00:07:36,659 --> 00:07:43,658
Chaps, check out the driver of this
tuk-tuk. What's he done?

109
00:07:43,659 --> 00:07:46,659
I don't know what it was,
but he's done a lot of it.

110
00:07:47,659 --> 00:07:50,659
He's off his face. Oh, dear.

111
00:07:51,659 --> 00:07:53,659
Oh, Lord, I see what you mean.

112
00:07:56,659 --> 00:08:00,658
James, do you see any fields
where they are growing horses?

113
00:08:00,659 --> 00:08:04,659
No, I haven't seen a single
horse plantation yet.

114
00:08:06,659 --> 00:08:10,658
'What we did see, however,
was evidence of what is officially

115
00:08:10,659 --> 00:08:13,659
'the world's longest running
civil war.'

116
00:08:18,659 --> 00:08:20,659
This is a big army presence, here.

117
00:08:25,659 --> 00:08:30,659
'James, however, seemed to have
less important things on his mind.'

118
00:08:31,659 --> 00:08:35,659
Time to try out my water
brake cooling system.

119
00:08:36,659 --> 00:08:39,659
I'm ready. A little switch.

120
00:08:43,659 --> 00:08:45,050
I think it works.

121
00:08:56,659 --> 00:08:58,658
Cock.

122
00:08:58,659 --> 00:09:01,659
My steering has just locked up.

123
00:09:03,659 --> 00:09:07,658
I'm not sure that's a good idea,
James, is it? Blocking the Army?

124
00:09:07,659 --> 00:09:13,659
'The problem was a big one.
The front axle had broken.'

125
00:09:16,659 --> 00:09:20,659
There's only one thing I can think
to play at a time like this.

126
00:09:26,659 --> 00:09:31,659
Well, off you go. Goodbye.
That's a bad one, isn't it? See you.

127
00:09:48,659 --> 00:09:52,658
Ow! BLEEP.

128
00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:55,658
'As Hammond and I travelled
deeper into the Shan,

129
00:09:55,659 --> 00:09:56,659
'the road became worse.'

130
00:09:59,659 --> 00:10:01,659
Argh!

131
00:10:05,659 --> 00:10:09,659
'And the reason why soon
became clear.'

132
00:10:13,659 --> 00:10:16,659
That was an actual baby there,
building the road.

133
00:10:22,659 --> 00:10:25,659
It's not a good policy, because
the road surface is dreadful.

134
00:10:27,659 --> 00:10:30,659
Babies are no good at
building roads, look.

135
00:10:36,659 --> 00:10:39,659
'Which were a problem for
Hammond's heavy lumber bus.'

136
00:10:43,659 --> 00:10:45,658
God, it's torture.

137
00:10:45,659 --> 00:10:49,659
I hate this, I hate this,
I hate this.

138
00:10:54,659 --> 00:11:00,659
Change gear...
No. Grind, grind, grind.

139
00:11:02,659 --> 00:11:04,658
And when we get to the end,

140
00:11:04,659 --> 00:11:08,659
we have to build a bridge
over the River Kwai.

141
00:11:12,659 --> 00:11:15,658
'Eventually,
we had to rest our weary bones,

142
00:11:15,659 --> 00:11:18,659
'so we pulled over in
a remote settlement.'

143
00:11:20,659 --> 00:11:22,658
You know, in a village like this,

144
00:11:22,659 --> 00:11:27,658
it really is possible
they don't know the West exists.

145
00:11:27,659 --> 00:11:30,658
They will never have seen
faces like ours. No.

146
00:11:30,659 --> 00:11:33,658
I'm amazed they're not more amazed.

147
00:11:33,659 --> 00:11:37,658
I think it's a cultural thing,
it would be rude to show it. Yeah.

148
00:11:37,659 --> 00:11:39,658
It's sort of...

149
00:11:39,659 --> 00:11:42,659
Definitely the first white faces
they've ever seen.

150
00:11:45,659 --> 00:11:47,658
'Many miles further back,

151
00:11:47,659 --> 00:11:51,658
'I had sorted my axle issue
by using a ratchet strap

152
00:11:51,659 --> 00:11:53,659
'to hold it in place.'

153
00:11:55,659 --> 00:11:56,659
I hate my lorry.

154
00:11:58,659 --> 00:12:02,659
What I'm driving here is a massive
dog's egg with a crane on the back.

155
00:12:04,659 --> 00:12:06,133
Oh, God, let this day end.

156
00:12:09,659 --> 00:12:13,658
'As the afternoon sun drew low,
I was reunited with my colleagues,

157
00:12:13,659 --> 00:12:20,658
'and we decided to make camp
in a small town.'

158
00:12:20,659 --> 00:12:23,659
Look at that lot.
Communal, open-air natural bathing.

159
00:12:30,659 --> 00:12:32,659
Hello.

160
00:12:35,659 --> 00:12:37,658
We're in the middle of the Shan.

161
00:12:37,659 --> 00:12:40,658
We're supposed to be
frightened to death.

162
00:12:40,659 --> 00:12:42,659
It's not frightening though,
is it? It's lovely.

163
00:12:44,659 --> 00:12:47,659
'As we set up camp, the locals
seemed to be busy as well.

164
00:12:49,659 --> 00:12:51,659
'And Jeremy had found out why.'

165
00:12:54,659 --> 00:13:02,658
Hammond, May. Yes? What? It turns
out we've been invited to a party.

166
00:13:02,659 --> 00:13:05,658
Right. Where? Here, in the town.

167
00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:09,658
You know there's been
a civil war raging?

168
00:13:09,659 --> 00:13:12,658
All of the people who've been
fighting are coming together tonight

169
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:15,658
to welcome us here
to the Shan state.

170
00:13:15,659 --> 00:13:18,658
You know the Good Friday Agreement
where they got Major,

171
00:13:18,659 --> 00:13:22,658
Gerry Adams and Paisley all in
one room and it was amazing?

172
00:13:22,659 --> 00:13:25,658
Well, apparently this
is as amazing as that in Burma.

173
00:13:25,659 --> 00:13:29,658
Who do they think we are?
I don't know.

174
00:13:29,659 --> 00:13:33,658
Probably Richard Dimbleby,
James McNulty and Jeremy Paxman.

175
00:13:33,659 --> 00:13:36,658
They're not familiar with Top Gear,
are they? Evidently not.

176
00:13:36,659 --> 00:13:39,658
The only thing I'm speculating on
is I don't think

177
00:13:39,659 --> 00:13:45,658
we should turn up looking like this.
No. I have no formal wear with me.

178
00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:47,659
Naked would be better than that.

179
00:13:50,659 --> 00:13:52,658
'As Hammond wouldn't let us
use his shower,

180
00:13:52,659 --> 00:13:54,659
'James and I had to go native.'

181
00:14:02,659 --> 00:14:10,659
Women go there, and men go here.

182
00:14:14,659 --> 00:14:16,659
'As we finished our ablutions...

183
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:22,659
'..the various factions
started to arrive.

184
00:14:24,659 --> 00:14:28,658
'And Jeremy invited us over
for pre-dinner cocktails.'

185
00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:33,658
Listen, help yourselves to a drink,
because I've had a thought.

186
00:14:33,659 --> 00:14:39,658
It's possible MI6 or the DEA or
some intelligence agency will want

187
00:14:39,659 --> 00:14:44,658
to talk to us when
we get back about here. Right.

188
00:14:44,659 --> 00:14:48,658
So, manners - polite, British,
representatives of the BBC,

189
00:14:48,659 --> 00:14:50,658
but pay attention.

190
00:14:50,659 --> 00:14:54,658
But don't make it obvious that you're
finding things out, just be...

191
00:14:54,659 --> 00:14:56,658
'With a final word of warning
to Hammond...'

192
00:14:56,659 --> 00:14:57,658
Don't get drunk.

193
00:14:57,659 --> 00:15:01,659
I'll just have one before I go.
'..we headed off to the party.'

194
00:15:04,659 --> 00:15:07,658
From Britain, BBC television.

195
00:15:07,659 --> 00:15:11,658
'Where we were offered
some local delicacies...'

196
00:15:11,659 --> 00:15:12,658
It's a caterpillar?

197
00:15:12,659 --> 00:15:15,658
That's right, that's right,
caterpillar. Caterpillar.

198
00:15:15,659 --> 00:15:17,658
Goodbye, caterpillar.

199
00:15:17,659 --> 00:15:19,658
'As caterpillars weren't
to Hammond's taste,

200
00:15:19,659 --> 00:15:22,659
'he went off to find something
that was.'

201
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:33,658
Hello, hello. Hello, yes.
I can do that. Yes, I could do that.

202
00:15:33,659 --> 00:15:35,658
This is all right.
I'm coming in, I like this.

203
00:15:35,659 --> 00:15:37,658
'As the food kept coming...'

204
00:15:37,659 --> 00:15:40,658
This is a cicada, a cricket.

205
00:15:40,659 --> 00:15:43,658
'..I was discovering that
the region's special agriculture

206
00:15:43,659 --> 00:15:50,658
'didn't seem to be that special.'

207
00:15:50,659 --> 00:15:53,300
So it's sunflower seeds, soya bean,
nothing else. Nothing, nothing.

208
00:15:53,659 --> 00:15:56,659
'Still, I was learning
more than James...

209
00:16:00,659 --> 00:16:02,659
'..or Hammond.'

210
00:16:08,659 --> 00:16:11,659
Who's got any Whiskey?
Have you got any Scotch?

211
00:16:13,659 --> 00:16:18,658
'By midnight, I'd been through
every single crop in the area.'

212
00:16:18,659 --> 00:16:21,658
Sesame seeds. Sesame seeds,
yeah, yeah. Maize.

213
00:16:21,659 --> 00:16:24,658
'So, I took a leaf
out of Hammond's book...'

214
00:16:24,659 --> 00:16:26,658
Cheers, cheers, cheers.

215
00:16:26,659 --> 00:16:31,659
'..and, along with May and half
the film crew, joined the party.'

216
00:16:37,659 --> 00:16:41,658
♪ I'm dressing sharp
and I'm acting cool,

217
00:16:41,659 --> 00:16:44,659
♪ Got a cheerleader here... ♪

218
00:17:11,659 --> 00:17:14,658
Well, one thing is for sure.

219
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:18,658
There are absolutely no drugs
in this part of Burma. No, none.

220
00:17:18,659 --> 00:17:20,658
I talked to everybody and...

221
00:17:20,659 --> 00:17:25,658
I talked to people involved
in the sales and distribution

222
00:17:25,659 --> 00:17:29,658
of stationery, I talked to
farmers, Army people, Colonel Kurtz.

223
00:17:29,659 --> 00:17:35,658
I spoke to Colonel Kurtz,
he was in vegetables.

224
00:17:35,659 --> 00:17:39,659
we can say, "You're looking
in the wrong place."

225
00:17:41,659 --> 00:17:45,658
Have you seen...
Our colleague is not well.

226
00:17:45,659 --> 00:17:49,658
We've got a lot of time to kill this
morning before that is capable

227
00:17:49,659 --> 00:17:50,659
of driving a lorry.

228
00:17:57,659 --> 00:18:01,659
'Many, many hours later,
we were back on the road.'

229
00:18:05,659 --> 00:18:07,659
I think I punched a colonel.

230
00:18:09,659 --> 00:18:11,658
Or kissed him.

231
00:18:11,659 --> 00:18:16,658
Hammond? Yeah? What was
your whiskey called again?

232
00:18:16,659 --> 00:18:19,658
Hankie Banister.

233
00:18:19,659 --> 00:18:24,659
"Hankie Banister. Third-best
Whiskey in northern Burma."

234
00:18:27,659 --> 00:18:31,658
'Soon, though, the memories of our
summit at the end of Apocalypse Now

235
00:18:31,659 --> 00:18:36,659
'were eclipsed by the sheer beauty
of this untouched paradise.'

236
00:18:44,659 --> 00:18:49,658
I've never taken more landscape
photographs in my entire life.

237
00:18:49,659 --> 00:18:50,659
It's just...

238
00:18:52,659 --> 00:18:56,659
You've got to come here.
You have got to come and see this.

239
00:19:03,659 --> 00:19:06,658
'James would have enjoyed
the view, too,

240
00:19:06,659 --> 00:19:10,659
'but predictably he'd had yet
another breakdown.'

241
00:19:15,659 --> 00:19:24,658
Cock. The problem is - well,
I don't know what the problem is,

242
00:19:24,659 --> 00:19:27,658
on two, then it was definitely only
running on one cylinder, because it

243
00:19:27,659 --> 00:19:31,659
sounded like the sort of generator
people put on in the night.

244
00:19:32,659 --> 00:19:34,659
Ah, BLEEP.

245
00:19:35,659 --> 00:19:37,659
Non-BBC Two word.

246
00:19:39,659 --> 00:19:42,658
'Once I'd fixed the problem,
which was wonky fuel injectors,

247
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:44,659
'I was on the move again.'

248
00:19:46,659 --> 00:19:48,659
God, this lorry is appalling.

249
00:19:50,659 --> 00:19:52,658
'And it didn't take long
to catch the others,

250
00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:56,659
'because the road was steep,
and Hammond was in front.'

251
00:20:00,659 --> 00:20:03,659
First gear. Bad.

252
00:20:06,659 --> 00:20:08,659
Literally the slowest
I've ever been.

253
00:20:11,659 --> 00:20:13,658
Hammond, I haven't got
any more gears left.

254
00:20:13,659 --> 00:20:15,658
I can't get out the way,
the road's too narrow,

255
00:20:15,659 --> 00:20:18,659
I can't go any faster,
I'm in a lorry.

256
00:20:24,659 --> 00:20:26,659
It's pretty much vertical.

257
00:20:28,659 --> 00:20:34,659
God, look at the smoke now.
I've got a mining lung disease.

258
00:20:35,659 --> 00:20:39,659
I'm starting to imagine what Hammond
might look like without any skin on.

259
00:20:44,659 --> 00:20:45,659
Now what?

260
00:20:47,659 --> 00:20:50,659
I think if we all back up,
he can come in here.

261
00:20:52,659 --> 00:20:55,659
Hammond, we can't -
there's nothing to be gained by...

262
00:20:57,659 --> 00:21:00,659
Hammond, you idiot, you've
reversed into the sports lorry!

263
00:21:02,659 --> 00:21:06,659
You've broken it. I didn't know.
Genuinely, that was an accident.

264
00:21:07,659 --> 00:21:11,659
Don't just drive off, Hammond.
Hammond! Hammond!

265
00:21:13,659 --> 00:21:20,659
He's broken my headlights, radiator.
My bull bar is broken. The mirror.

266
00:21:21,659 --> 00:21:23,658
What, you just reverse and hope?

267
00:21:23,659 --> 00:21:26,658
Where did you think I was?!
All day, I have been behind you.

268
00:21:26,659 --> 00:21:29,658
I didn't think you were
that close behind me.

269
00:21:29,659 --> 00:21:32,658
I now know why they have those
stickers for lorry drivers -

270
00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:35,659
"If you can't see my mirrors,
I can't see you."

271
00:21:37,659 --> 00:21:41,658
'Even though the incident had been
technically my fault,

272
00:21:41,659 --> 00:21:43,659
'I still followed
the standard procedure.'

273
00:21:45,659 --> 00:21:48,659
What? He knows the rules.
Live by the sword, you must...

274
00:21:50,659 --> 00:21:53,659
I can't remember. Whatever.
Something to do with swords.

275
00:21:58,659 --> 00:22:02,658
Held me up all day,
then he reversed into me,

276
00:22:02,659 --> 00:22:06,659
so I think tonight Hammond's
other wrist might break.

277
00:22:10,659 --> 00:22:12,658
However, when I reached
the overnight holds,

278
00:22:12,659 --> 00:22:15,658
I came up with a more fiendish idea.

279
00:22:15,659 --> 00:22:18,658
An idea that involved the bucket
Hammond had fitted to collect

280
00:22:18,659 --> 00:22:20,659
rainwater for his shower.

281
00:22:24,659 --> 00:22:30,659
I think this does pay him back
for holding us up all day long. Yep.

282
00:22:32,659 --> 00:22:34,659
Oh, there's more. Part two.

283
00:22:37,659 --> 00:22:41,658
'I then began to work
on my lorry's waterworks.'

284
00:22:41,659 --> 00:22:46,659
Massive nuts holding the radiator
on. 22 millimetres. Yeah.

285
00:22:49,659 --> 00:22:53,659
Oh, it's warm.
So warm, fresh rainwater.

286
00:22:55,659 --> 00:23:00,659
Golden rain. I can taste
the goodness. The outdoors.

287
00:23:02,659 --> 00:23:05,659
And neither of you two
thought of this.

288
00:23:13,659 --> 00:23:15,658
'After dining on roast grasshopper,

289
00:23:15,659 --> 00:23:19,659
'we spent the evening playing
with my Chinese lanterns.'

290
00:23:20,659 --> 00:23:23,658
Are you going to set them off here?
Why not?

291
00:23:23,659 --> 00:23:27,658
I should say in a country where a lot
of people live in houses made of...

292
00:23:27,659 --> 00:23:31,658
What is it, dried grass? Oh, relax.
That's not going to be a problem.

293
00:23:31,659 --> 00:23:35,658
The chances of you getting one
of those things to work...

294
00:23:35,659 --> 00:23:37,659
There, let it fly.

295
00:23:38,659 --> 00:23:41,658
Yes. Hammond, ye of little faith.

296
00:23:41,659 --> 00:23:43,658
Go find a barn or a thatched roof.

297
00:23:43,659 --> 00:23:47,658
Now, let's just... I'm going to get
a beer and savour the moment.

298
00:23:47,659 --> 00:23:49,658
This is a... It's a mobile bonfire.
It is.

299
00:23:49,659 --> 00:23:52,658
If it were to land in a field
of poppies, for example,

300
00:23:52,659 --> 00:23:55,659
imagine how beautiful that would be.

301
00:23:57,659 --> 00:24:02,659
'Feeling content and happy, we
went to bed. Well, one of us did.'

302
00:24:05,659 --> 00:24:08,658
What do you think
the chances are of waking him?

303
00:24:08,659 --> 00:24:10,795
You won't wake him,
he sleeps the sleep of the dead.

304
00:24:13,659 --> 00:24:15,659
That's in neutral.

305
00:24:28,659 --> 00:24:29,659
Jesus Christ!

306
00:24:41,659 --> 00:24:45,659
'Jeremy hit the road
in a fractious mood.'

307
00:24:46,659 --> 00:24:48,659
Why did you tip me out of my lorry?

308
00:24:50,659 --> 00:24:53,658
Because you swung me
around in my tent.

309
00:24:53,659 --> 00:24:57,658
You deserved that because you're
irritating. I'm never irritating.

310
00:24:57,659 --> 00:25:01,658
It's a good point Jeremy raises,
I feel quite bad about it now,

311
00:25:01,659 --> 00:25:03,659
because when has he
ever been irritating?

312
00:25:05,659 --> 00:25:07,658
'To make my mood even worse,

313
00:25:07,659 --> 00:25:12,659
'the endless hard going had had
a catastrophic effect on my brakes.'

314
00:25:14,659 --> 00:25:17,658
I think they're only working
now on the left-hand side.

315
00:25:17,659 --> 00:25:20,658
Nothing, everything.

316
00:25:20,659 --> 00:25:22,699
You move your foot that much,
that's the difference.

317
00:25:24,659 --> 00:25:29,658
Fortunately, we were now only 80
miles from the border with Thailand.

318
00:25:29,659 --> 00:25:33,659
But, unfortunately,
none of those miles would be gentle.

319
00:25:40,659 --> 00:25:45,659
Oh, it's bad in here and it will be
worse in Jeremy's lorry.

320
00:25:54,659 --> 00:25:57,658
'It was desperately uncomfortable,
and hot,

321
00:25:57,659 --> 00:26:01,659
'and ahead of us lay
the biggest mountain range yet.'

322
00:26:17,659 --> 00:26:21,659
This climb is exactly what you need
in a lorry with a leaky radiator.

323
00:26:29,659 --> 00:26:34,659
Oh, that is a
trouser-threatening drop.

324
00:26:36,659 --> 00:26:39,659
James May is a man
who does not like heights.

325
00:26:40,659 --> 00:26:44,658
He is also a man whose lorry has
its front axle held on with

326
00:26:44,659 --> 00:26:45,659
a bit of string.

327
00:26:47,659 --> 00:26:50,658
How's your vertigo, May?
I'm not looking.

328
00:26:50,659 --> 00:26:53,659
But thanks for reminding me.

329
00:26:56,659 --> 00:26:59,658
'Progress was extremely slow

330
00:26:59,659 --> 00:27:01,659
'as I had to keep stopping to
refill my radiator.'

331
00:27:03,659 --> 00:27:06,659
Pouring out from exactly
where the araldite was.

332
00:27:09,659 --> 00:27:13,658
Fairly convinced this is an
old wives' tale, but we shall see.

333
00:27:13,659 --> 00:27:17,659
'Meanwhile, James was having
his first breakdown of the day.'

334
00:27:21,659 --> 00:27:22,659
Oh, BLEEP.

335
00:27:24,659 --> 00:27:26,659
Nope.

336
00:27:28,659 --> 00:27:31,658
'This time, it was the transfer box,

337
00:27:31,659 --> 00:27:34,658
'which had burst
free from its mountings.'

338
00:27:34,659 --> 00:27:38,658
That's the transfer box, that's
the bracket where it's bolted on,

339
00:27:38,659 --> 00:27:41,658
those two bolts have been
shaken out.

340
00:27:41,659 --> 00:27:42,659
Oh, cock.

341
00:27:49,659 --> 00:27:52,659
Still going on,
still more mountains.

342
00:27:54,659 --> 00:27:56,659
When will this end?

343
00:28:00,367 --> 00:28:01,658
Oh, my God, it gets steep.

344
00:28:01,659 --> 00:28:03,658
I've got to keep moving,

345
00:28:03,659 --> 00:28:09,658
if I stop, pulling away will
kill the clutch, I'm sure of that.

346
00:28:09,659 --> 00:28:13,658
OK, my temperature gauge is now
really very high.

347
00:28:13,659 --> 00:28:17,658
I'm looking for a little stream.

348
00:28:17,659 --> 00:28:21,658
'Still, at least the mood
was more cheerful than it

349
00:28:21,659 --> 00:28:23,659
'was at the back of the convoy.'

350
00:28:32,659 --> 00:28:34,658
BLEEP.

351
00:28:34,659 --> 00:28:38,659
BLEEPING second gear failed, and now
the engine has BLEEP BLEEP arse.

352
00:28:39,659 --> 00:28:42,659
You piece of BLEEP.

353
00:28:44,659 --> 00:28:49,658
'With some careful nursing,
Jeremy and I eventually reached

354
00:28:49,659 --> 00:28:54,659
'the summit, where there was
one hell of a reward.'

355
00:28:59,659 --> 00:29:00,659
That is insane.

356
00:29:15,659 --> 00:29:21,658
Never seen views like it. Not as
extensive. Not all at the same time.

357
00:29:21,659 --> 00:29:25,658
What have we got here?
Himalayas. Yeah. Austria.

358
00:29:25,659 --> 00:29:31,658
Bit of Scotland going on there. Quite
a bit of Scotland. And the sky.

359
00:29:31,659 --> 00:29:36,659
Enormous. Like a sky from Texas.
Texas sky. But bigger. Much bigger.

360
00:29:39,659 --> 00:29:42,659
Absolutely staggering.

361
00:29:44,659 --> 00:29:48,659
'Sadly, though, the piece
of the moment was then shattered.'

362
00:29:52,447 --> 00:29:54,064
The A-MAY van has arrived.

363
00:29:57,659 --> 00:29:59,659
He's in a rile.

364
00:30:02,659 --> 00:30:05,658
Mate, you've got the crane here.

365
00:30:05,659 --> 00:30:07,659
BLEEP! Heap of dog BLEEP!

366
00:30:09,659 --> 00:30:13,658
Don't say anything.
I don't think he's very happy.

367
00:30:13,659 --> 00:30:15,658
You know the old Buddhist
expression, don't you?

368
00:30:15,659 --> 00:30:19,659
He who tips a man out of his lorry
will suffer from many breakdowns.

369
00:30:22,659 --> 00:30:26,658
From here to the border
with Thailand it was downhill

370
00:30:26,659 --> 00:30:27,658
all the way.

371
00:30:27,659 --> 00:30:30,658
Which for me, at least,
was a bit alarming.

372
00:30:30,659 --> 00:30:32,659
Oh, God. Look at that road now.

373
00:30:34,659 --> 00:30:36,659
No brakes, no brakes.

374
00:30:40,658 --> 00:30:42,658
If your brakes went entirely
would you stay with it

375
00:30:42,659 --> 00:30:46,658
and hope you could sort it out
or would you bail out?

376
00:30:46,659 --> 00:30:49,659
I'm actually sitting here
planning that very thing.

377
00:30:51,659 --> 00:30:53,658
I've planned my bailout already.

378
00:30:53,659 --> 00:30:57,658
I've even practised
lunging for the door handle.

379
00:30:57,659 --> 00:31:00,658
I've got an image of James
punching his lorry all

380
00:31:00,659 --> 00:31:02,659
the way down the slopes as they fell.

381
00:31:12,659 --> 00:31:17,658
Amazingly, we all made it to the
bottom of the mountain in one piece.

382
00:31:17,659 --> 00:31:19,659
Nearly.

383
00:31:21,659 --> 00:31:24,659
And now we were
only 40 miles from the Thai border.

384
00:31:28,659 --> 00:31:31,659
Oh, this is it.
We are about to leave Burma.

385
00:31:34,659 --> 00:31:36,659
I'm gonna miss it.

386
00:32:13,659 --> 00:32:16,658
Soon we cross the border
into Thailand and this meant

387
00:32:16,659 --> 00:32:22,658
we were now just 90 miles from our
finishing line at the River Kwai.

388
00:32:22,659 --> 00:32:26,659
19 miles of easy-going
on smooth roads.

389
00:32:35,659 --> 00:32:39,658
Oh, it's... Hammond your tyre!
Your tyre is...

390
00:32:39,659 --> 00:32:42,659
It's detonating, mate.

391
00:32:44,659 --> 00:32:46,659
It's hard to explain to you...

392
00:32:50,659 --> 00:32:55,659
I'm not giving up. I'm not stopping.
How many wheels do I need?

393
00:32:59,659 --> 00:33:04,659
Happily, the rest of my tyres stayed
inflated and as darkness fell...

394
00:33:05,659 --> 00:33:08,659
..we finally reached our destination.

395
00:33:13,659 --> 00:33:16,658
I believe we are at the River Kwai.

396
00:33:16,659 --> 00:33:18,659
The crane is here, everybody.

397
00:33:20,659 --> 00:33:24,658
It's bolted onto a BLEEP lorry
but never mind that.

398
00:33:24,659 --> 00:33:26,659
My brain is frazzled.

399
00:33:31,659 --> 00:33:35,658
to the lorry struggling and screaming
and straining to climb another hill.

400
00:33:35,659 --> 00:33:37,659
Ah, ah, ah!

401
00:33:39,659 --> 00:33:42,659
I am going to sleep for 1,000 years.

402
00:33:48,659 --> 00:33:50,658
Has my spine come out
of the top of my head?

403
00:33:50,659 --> 00:33:53,658
I can't see because my eyes
have been shaken loose.

404
00:33:53,659 --> 00:33:56,658
I think my pelvis has
moved around in my body.

405
00:33:56,659 --> 00:33:59,658
I'm not surprised in your lorry.
It doesn't work.

406
00:33:59,659 --> 00:34:01,658
Your pedals are all different.

407
00:34:01,659 --> 00:34:04,658
Releasing the clutch is that.

408
00:34:04,659 --> 00:34:07,658
It's like a Masonic dance thing
that I have to do every time.

409
00:34:07,659 --> 00:34:10,659
You know those power plates in gyms
that make you stupid?

410
00:34:12,659 --> 00:34:14,658
There's also a psychological thing,

411
00:34:14,659 --> 00:34:17,658
every time I hear a diesel engine
start I have a nervous twitch.

412
00:34:17,659 --> 00:34:20,658
Manual gearboxes. What?

413
00:34:20,659 --> 00:34:23,658
You have ruined me and my life.

414
00:34:23,659 --> 00:34:25,659
The gearbox is too far...

415
00:34:27,659 --> 00:34:31,658
"The Prisoners Of War
walked to their bridge site,

416
00:34:31,659 --> 00:34:34,659
"you have driven here so shut up."

417
00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:41,659
"Work on the bridge starts at 0500."
What?!

418
00:34:42,659 --> 00:34:46,658
"0500 and you can't go home

419
00:34:46,659 --> 00:34:50,658
"until all three lorries
have driven over it."

420
00:34:50,659 --> 00:34:54,658
0500. What's the point?
We're not still in the war.

421
00:34:54,659 --> 00:34:57,659
What's the point of 0500?
It will only be a little river.

422
00:35:02,659 --> 00:35:06,658
The next morning at precisely 0500..
and 11,

423
00:35:06,659 --> 00:35:09,659
we discovered just how wrong
we were.

424
00:35:23,659 --> 00:35:27,658
It is much wider than I thought
it was going to be.

425
00:35:27,659 --> 00:35:33,659
I thought it would be a comedic
gully. I did. It's 100 times wider.

426
00:35:35,659 --> 00:35:41,658
We were going to need a 60m bridge
so James went off to make plans

427
00:35:41,659 --> 00:35:46,658
and Hammond and I decided to measure
the depth of the water.

428
00:35:46,659 --> 00:35:49,659
Well, when I say Hammond and I...

429
00:35:51,659 --> 00:35:53,658
I'm approaching plumb depth.

430
00:35:53,659 --> 00:35:57,659
Ah! Broach the plumb... Oh! Ah!

431
00:35:59,659 --> 00:36:01,658
It's ever so cold.

432
00:36:01,659 --> 00:36:02,658
I hate my job!

433
00:36:02,659 --> 00:36:05,658
In Bridge On The River Kwai
did Alec Guinness go,

434
00:36:05,659 --> 00:36:07,658
"Oh, it's ever so cold!"

435
00:36:07,659 --> 00:36:11,659
I bet he did in reality.
Oh! I bet he did in reality.

436
00:36:12,659 --> 00:36:17,658
Oh! Sadly, at this point my colleague
was carried away by the current.

437
00:36:17,659 --> 00:36:19,658
Swim, man!

438
00:36:19,659 --> 00:36:20,658
I am!

439
00:36:20,659 --> 00:36:23,658
You're the weakest swimmer
in the world.

440
00:36:23,659 --> 00:36:27,658
And since he was providing
no useful feedback,

441
00:36:27,659 --> 00:36:30,658
I went to check on James's plans.

442
00:36:30,659 --> 00:36:32,658
This is what I was thinking.

443
00:36:32,659 --> 00:36:35,658
The bank goes down at each
side obviously,

444
00:36:35,659 --> 00:36:38,658
we build up the approach area
with these baskets of stones,

445
00:36:38,659 --> 00:36:42,658
make vertical piles out of bamboo
like this, these longerons

446
00:36:42,659 --> 00:36:46,658
I'm calling them, they are bamboo
lashed together,

447
00:36:46,659 --> 00:36:47,658
these will go this way...

448
00:36:47,659 --> 00:36:50,658
Two tracks for the wheels,
the rest is immaterial

449
00:36:50,659 --> 00:36:53,658
and then a superstructure like this

450
00:36:53,659 --> 00:36:54,658
all adding strength.

451
00:36:54,659 --> 00:36:59,658
You know the sort of thing so
that it looks a bit like the film.

452
00:36:59,659 --> 00:37:02,658
Basically we need to start
with rocks

453
00:37:02,659 --> 00:37:04,658
and some wire mesh to make boxes
to put them in.

454
00:37:04,659 --> 00:37:06,658
Where are we getting rocks from?

455
00:37:06,659 --> 00:37:09,659
That's your job
because you have the tipper lorry.

456
00:37:10,659 --> 00:37:13,658
I set about making
the wire mesh baskets,

457
00:37:13,659 --> 00:37:17,659
freed up the space in Jeremy's
cargo bay...

458
00:37:19,659 --> 00:37:21,658
May, you imbecile!

459
00:37:21,659 --> 00:37:23,658
And when Hammond finally returned,

460
00:37:23,659 --> 00:37:27,659
I sent them both off to a nearby
quarry to get the rocks.

461
00:37:29,659 --> 00:37:33,658
You've put them in the front
of this one.

462
00:37:33,659 --> 00:37:35,658
Yeah, stick them in the front.

463
00:37:35,659 --> 00:37:38,659
Let's have these ones here.

464
00:37:39,659 --> 00:37:43,658
Jeremy...
Are you going to do anything?

465
00:37:43,659 --> 00:37:48,659
What can I do? Load the trucks.
He's loading them!

466
00:37:50,659 --> 00:37:54,658
With the trucks loaded,
Jeremy finally got off his backside

467
00:37:54,659 --> 00:37:57,658
and immediately started to shout
at me.

468
00:37:57,659 --> 00:38:00,658
Hammond! You idiot.

469
00:38:00,659 --> 00:38:02,658
What?

470
00:38:02,659 --> 00:38:06,659
You put about 400 tonnes of rocks
and it is stuck.

471
00:38:07,659 --> 00:38:12,658
I woke you to say are you going to
help with the loading?

472
00:38:12,659 --> 00:38:15,658
Your words were,
"There's nothing to do!"

473
00:38:15,659 --> 00:38:18,658
That's exactly the kind of issue
you should have been awake for.

474
00:38:18,659 --> 00:38:21,658
How do I know what your load is?
I don't know.

475
00:38:21,659 --> 00:38:24,659
The only solution was to tip
some of the rocks out.

476
00:38:27,659 --> 00:38:30,658
Oh, no, no, no!

477
00:38:30,659 --> 00:38:34,659
Oh, my. That's a remarkable accident.
Look...

478
00:38:36,659 --> 00:38:38,658
Oh, jeez, no.

479
00:38:38,659 --> 00:38:44,659
Your windscreen has come out.

480
00:38:46,659 --> 00:38:48,659
The breeze will be nice!

481
00:38:50,659 --> 00:38:55,659
Predictably, when we got back, James
was overflowing with sympathy.

482
00:39:03,659 --> 00:39:07,659
Did you head-butt it? But look...

483
00:39:12,659 --> 00:39:15,659
Richard and James began to load
their basket by hand.

484
00:39:16,659 --> 00:39:18,658
Oh, that's a big rock.

485
00:39:18,659 --> 00:39:22,659
But I'm allergic to manual labour
so I used horsepower instead.

486
00:39:27,659 --> 00:39:30,659
And then I went into town
to buy supper.

487
00:39:32,659 --> 00:39:34,659
Is this a marrow?

488
00:39:38,659 --> 00:39:41,658
A...? Name...

489
00:39:41,659 --> 00:39:45,659
This is... Crikey, is it?
I thought it was a marrow.

490
00:39:47,659 --> 00:39:51,658
That's something you learn. In
Thailand, the word for... Yes, that.

491
00:39:51,659 --> 00:39:53,659
That's the word for marrow.

492
00:39:55,659 --> 00:39:59,659
When I returned, I brought with me
a gang of local labourers.

493
00:40:00,659 --> 00:40:01,658
What are you doing?

494
00:40:01,659 --> 00:40:05,658
There's no way we're going to be
able to build this bridge
by ourselves, let's be reasonable.

495
00:40:05,659 --> 00:40:07,658
He's right, Hammond.

496
00:40:07,659 --> 00:40:11,658
You and I are not going to be able
to build this bridge by ourselves.

497
00:40:11,659 --> 00:40:14,658
I know.
Hello, officers won't work.

498
00:40:14,659 --> 00:40:17,658
Alec Guinness made that very
plain in Bridge On The River Kwai

499
00:40:17,659 --> 00:40:19,658
in the film.

500
00:40:19,659 --> 00:40:22,658
That was the whole premise of the
story is that officers won't work.

501
00:40:22,659 --> 00:40:28,658
You're an officer?
Of course I'm an officer.

502
00:40:28,659 --> 00:40:32,659
Because you've got a stick.
That stick may disappear quite soon.

503
00:40:35,659 --> 00:40:40,659
With the local chaps helping, James
and I started to make good progress.

504
00:41:00,659 --> 00:41:01,658
As we toiled away,

505
00:41:01,659 --> 00:41:07,659
the self-appointed officer seemed to
be setting up a children's tea party.

506
00:41:10,659 --> 00:41:12,658
What are you doing now?

507
00:41:12,659 --> 00:41:18,658
Well, it's a trick I learnt from
the British in Burma in the 19th century,

508
00:41:18,659 --> 00:41:23,658
they would employ some local young
chap, cover him in jam,

509
00:41:23,659 --> 00:41:26,658
he would follow them around all day
and he'd attract the insects.

510
00:41:26,659 --> 00:41:28,658
They called him a jam boy.

511
00:41:28,659 --> 00:41:31,658
This is my jam bear.
It doesn't seem very fair.

512
00:41:31,659 --> 00:41:36,659
It was, it was because at the end
of the day he got to keep the jam.

513
00:41:41,659 --> 00:41:47,658
At the end of our long difficult
day, I produced my delicious supper.

514
00:41:47,659 --> 00:41:50,658
It smells very good, Clarkson,
what is it?

515
00:41:50,659 --> 00:41:54,658
Mm, I'll whisper it to you because I
can't say it in front of the viewers.

516
00:41:54,659 --> 00:41:58,658
What? She just looked at me
and went...

517
00:41:58,659 --> 00:42:02,658
What did you say? Steady on!

518
00:42:02,659 --> 00:42:05,658
I'd even prepared a treat
for Hammond.

519
00:42:05,659 --> 00:42:08,659
For afters I've got you something
very special indeed. What?

520
00:42:09,957 --> 00:42:14,658
I know you're partial to
a bit of Black Cock. Oh, yes.

521
00:42:14,659 --> 00:42:17,658
And so I've managed to find...

522
00:42:17,659 --> 00:42:19,658
Oh, you hero.

523
00:42:19,659 --> 00:42:23,658
Oh, well done. Black Cock.
Stiff one? Yes, please.

524
00:42:23,659 --> 00:42:27,658
Get that down your neck.
Cheers.

525
00:42:27,659 --> 00:42:29,658
Bottoms up.

526
00:42:29,659 --> 00:42:33,658
I'll tell you what, I'm going
to sleep tonight. Absolutely.

527
00:42:33,659 --> 00:42:34,659
I am worn out.

528
00:42:38,659 --> 00:42:42,658
The next morning, the dawn light
reveals just how little

529
00:42:42,659 --> 00:42:43,659
we had achieved.

530
00:42:45,659 --> 00:42:50,659
So, before the morning mist had
cleared, everyone was hard at work.

531
00:42:51,659 --> 00:42:53,659
Well, when I say everyone...

532
00:43:15,659 --> 00:43:21,659
Morning, May. Good morning. Are you
actually going to do any work today?

533
00:43:22,659 --> 00:43:27,658
I have explained this to you
until I'm blue in the face.

534
00:43:27,659 --> 00:43:30,659
Officers won't work.

535
00:43:38,659 --> 00:43:39,659
Guys!

536
00:43:41,659 --> 00:43:43,658
May?

537
00:43:43,659 --> 00:43:45,659
Can you hear something?

538
00:43:46,659 --> 00:43:48,658
I need a poo!

539
00:43:48,659 --> 00:43:53,659
Guys, I've had a thought.
It turns out officers will work.

540
00:43:55,659 --> 00:44:00,658
After they released me...
Right, work. Remains available.

541
00:44:00,659 --> 00:44:05,658
I immediately decided we needed more
labour-saving machinery so I rented

542
00:44:05,659 --> 00:44:10,659
a digger for Hammond and I went for
something that would humiliate May.

543
00:44:20,659 --> 00:44:25,659
James has totally wasted his time
bringing that crane here.

544
00:44:28,659 --> 00:44:30,659
Go on, son!

545
00:44:31,659 --> 00:44:33,659
Oh, no!

546
00:44:41,659 --> 00:44:43,659
BLEEP! BLEEP!

547
00:44:45,659 --> 00:44:49,658
What was that? It fell over, James.
What have you done?

548
00:44:49,659 --> 00:44:52,658
Hold on a minute! Did you see
where the end of your jib landed?

549
00:44:52,659 --> 00:44:55,658
I had only walked back
to see where the pile was.

550
00:44:55,659 --> 00:44:59,658
If I'd still been standing there,
it would have taken my head off!
It fell over! It almost killed me!

551
00:44:59,659 --> 00:45:02,658
What do you mean, "It fell over"?
They don't fall over, crane lorries!

552
00:45:02,659 --> 00:45:04,658
They don't fall
over on the motorway!

553
00:45:04,659 --> 00:45:06,658
What do you mean,
it doesn't fall over?

554
00:45:06,659 --> 00:45:09,658
You knocked it over!
Your crane is too small,

555
00:45:09,659 --> 00:45:12,658
so, I've got a bigger one
to reach further into the river.

556
00:45:12,659 --> 00:45:15,659
Right. My crane is too small.
That's punishable by death, is it?

557
00:45:16,659 --> 00:45:21,658
After James had calmed down a bit,
we decided to solve the problem

558
00:45:21,659 --> 00:45:26,658
by using the combined power of
Richard's digger and the A-May Van.

559
00:45:26,659 --> 00:45:30,658
In three, two, one...

560
00:45:30,659 --> 00:45:32,659
Lift away!

561
00:45:46,659 --> 00:45:48,658
Oh!

562
00:45:48,659 --> 00:45:49,658
Yeah!

563
00:45:49,659 --> 00:45:54,659
But, with stronger cables, we soon
had my crane the right way up.

564
00:45:56,659 --> 00:45:58,659
Excellent. And back to work.

565
00:46:11,659 --> 00:46:13,659
Just use this as
an enormous hammer so...

566
00:46:21,659 --> 00:46:23,659
Just delicacy, this.

567
00:46:24,659 --> 00:46:26,658
Oi!

568
00:46:26,659 --> 00:46:29,658
That little insect that he's dragged
all the way here

569
00:46:29,659 --> 00:46:31,659
is simply getting in our way.

570
00:46:34,659 --> 00:46:35,659
Oh, well done, Hammond.

571
00:46:36,659 --> 00:46:37,659
Hang on.

572
00:46:39,659 --> 00:46:42,659
That's the ticket! Hammond!
Come on, James, out you come.

573
00:46:45,659 --> 00:46:47,658
Spiky things!

574
00:46:47,659 --> 00:46:50,658
Even though we were now
working as a team, and the bridge

575
00:46:50,659 --> 00:46:55,659
was starting to take shape, we were
still way behind James' schedule.

576
00:46:57,659 --> 00:47:01,658
This side, the blue pegs, represents
how far we should have got by now.

577
00:47:01,659 --> 00:47:04,658
The red pegs show how far
we actually have got.

578
00:47:04,659 --> 00:47:05,658
Obviously not far enough.

579
00:47:05,659 --> 00:47:07,659
It's worse than I thought.

580
00:47:09,659 --> 00:47:12,658
So, the three of us worked
on into the night.

581
00:47:12,659 --> 00:47:14,658
This long? This is long.

582
00:47:14,659 --> 00:47:16,658
That's to go to Hammond.

583
00:47:16,659 --> 00:47:19,658
Whoa, stop there. A bit further.
I've got it, I've got it.

584
00:47:19,659 --> 00:47:23,659
And even though we went to bed
exhausted...

585
00:47:24,659 --> 00:47:28,659
..Sleep for Jeremy and I was
impossible.

586
00:47:42,659 --> 00:47:44,659
Clarkson!

587
00:47:45,659 --> 00:47:46,659
Funny!

588
00:47:48,659 --> 00:47:49,659
You funny man!

589
00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:54,658
We were even funnier
getting him back in.

590
00:47:54,659 --> 00:47:57,658
I think it's the red one.
Is it the red one? I don't know.

591
00:47:57,659 --> 00:48:00,658
Right, so, hang on,
I've got one with, like, a circle.

592
00:48:00,659 --> 00:48:01,658
This one looks like an alien.

593
00:48:01,659 --> 00:48:03,659
That bottom one swivels. Jeez...

594
00:48:05,659 --> 00:48:07,658
No, the bottom one!

595
00:48:07,659 --> 00:48:08,659
Waargh!

596
00:48:11,659 --> 00:48:13,659
James, you're falling out your tent!

597
00:48:14,659 --> 00:48:16,658
He's fallen in!

598
00:48:16,659 --> 00:48:17,658
Help!

599
00:48:17,659 --> 00:48:20,659
That's an alarm clock, isn't it?!
Oh, sorry, James!

600
00:48:22,659 --> 00:48:25,658
The bottom of this river's
made out of turds. I know.

601
00:48:25,659 --> 00:48:27,659
Yeah.
Try not to drink more than a pint.

602
00:48:29,659 --> 00:48:32,658
As I was carried away
by the current, I noticed

603
00:48:32,659 --> 00:48:36,658
that the end of the bridge was
now beyond the reach of our cranes.

604
00:48:36,659 --> 00:48:39,659
So when I returned,
we built a home-made piledriver.

605
00:48:43,659 --> 00:48:46,658
Mounted it to a home-made barge...

606
00:48:46,659 --> 00:48:48,659
And kept right on going.

607
00:48:54,659 --> 00:48:56,659
Oh, no!

608
00:48:58,659 --> 00:48:59,659
BLEEP!

609
00:49:01,659 --> 00:49:03,658
Get it, stop it, stop it! James!

610
00:49:03,659 --> 00:49:05,658
I can't stop it!

611
00:49:05,659 --> 00:49:08,658
Get it, get it.

612
00:49:08,659 --> 00:49:09,658
Our bridge! Our bridge!

613
00:49:09,659 --> 00:49:10,659
Whoa!

614
00:49:12,659 --> 00:49:16,658
Quickly, go! Let's get it.

615
00:49:16,659 --> 00:49:17,658
Took hours!

616
00:49:17,659 --> 00:49:20,658
I've got it!

617
00:49:20,659 --> 00:49:21,659
Hold on!

618
00:49:23,659 --> 00:49:27,658
Oh, no! No! No!

619
00:49:27,659 --> 00:49:30,658
That was a deep bit!
I'm drowning in BLEEP!

620
00:49:30,659 --> 00:49:31,659
Oh, no!

621
00:49:33,659 --> 00:49:36,659
Man overboard!

622
00:49:37,659 --> 00:49:39,658
How the hell are we
ever going to...?

623
00:49:39,659 --> 00:49:41,658
This is worse!

624
00:49:41,659 --> 00:49:44,659
Abandon bridge! I'm getting back...
BLEEP!

625
00:49:45,659 --> 00:49:46,659
BLEEP!

626
00:49:49,659 --> 00:49:52,659
Once we were back ashore, we
gathered for an emergency meeting.

627
00:49:55,659 --> 00:49:58,658
I presume it was one of these
that gave way.

628
00:49:58,659 --> 00:50:01,658
The piling. But why did it?

629
00:50:01,659 --> 00:50:02,658
Come on.

630
00:50:02,659 --> 00:50:06,658
Would it help focus our minds
more on the problem

631
00:50:06,659 --> 00:50:09,658
if we had a shot of Hong Thong?

632
00:50:09,659 --> 00:50:12,658
Yes. Or we could have a Red Cock.

633
00:50:12,659 --> 00:50:14,658
We haven't had that.

634
00:50:14,659 --> 00:50:15,658
You got any white spirit?

635
00:50:15,659 --> 00:50:17,658
Yes, I have.

636
00:50:17,659 --> 00:50:20,658
I just don't get it.

637
00:50:20,659 --> 00:50:23,659
If one of the piers was wrong,
that would do it.

638
00:50:26,659 --> 00:50:32,658
If we used... What if we used more of
those whatever you call them,

639
00:50:32,659 --> 00:50:34,659
those bags of...

640
00:50:37,659 --> 00:50:42,658
I'm not helping him cough. What if
we use more of those bags of stones

641
00:50:42,659 --> 00:50:47,658
to protect the bamboo
pillars from the current?

642
00:50:47,659 --> 00:50:51,658
That White Spirit, by the way,
actually IS white spirit!

643
00:50:51,659 --> 00:50:53,659
You're kidding?! What?
It's for cleaning brushes.

644
00:50:58,659 --> 00:51:01,658
'We carried on with the build
and as the long, hot days passed,

645
00:51:01,659 --> 00:51:05,658
'the bridge inched closer to the
opposite bank.'

646
00:51:05,659 --> 00:51:08,659
There you go.

647
00:51:12,659 --> 00:51:14,659
Oh! He's gone through the ramp.

648
00:51:16,659 --> 00:51:18,658
Who here would like
an ice cold beer?

649
00:51:18,659 --> 00:51:22,659
Oh, yes, please.

650
00:51:29,659 --> 00:51:32,658
'But, as we passed the two
thirds point,

651
00:51:32,659 --> 00:51:36,659
'I was forced to call another
emergency meeting.'

652
00:51:38,659 --> 00:51:40,658
What's the matter?

653
00:51:40,659 --> 00:51:43,658
Well, you know, we thought
we were building a bridge over

654
00:51:43,659 --> 00:51:45,658
the River Kwai, which is noble?

655
00:51:45,659 --> 00:51:47,658
We are. We're not.

656
00:51:47,659 --> 00:51:49,659
The name of THAT river...

657
00:51:55,659 --> 00:51:56,659
The Kok?

658
00:51:57,659 --> 00:52:01,659
Top Gear is building a bridge
over the River Kok.

659
00:52:05,659 --> 00:52:07,658
It's actually memorable.

660
00:52:07,659 --> 00:52:11,658
It is, you wouldn't order the wrong
film from an Internet website.

661
00:52:11,659 --> 00:52:13,658
You'd be very careful if you
were. How is BBC presentation...

662
00:52:13,659 --> 00:52:16,658
You know the woman at the beginning
of every programme.

663
00:52:16,659 --> 00:52:19,658
"And tonight, Jeremy, James
and Richard build a bridge

664
00:52:19,659 --> 00:52:20,659
"over the River Kok"...

665
00:52:22,659 --> 00:52:24,659
Well, we're not moving it!

666
00:52:27,659 --> 00:52:30,658
'At this point we had been
at the site

667
00:52:30,659 --> 00:52:32,658
'for what seemed like an eternity

668
00:52:32,659 --> 00:52:34,658
'and we were desperate to get home

669
00:52:34,659 --> 00:52:37,658
'so we were working
round the clock.'

670
00:52:37,659 --> 00:52:39,658
Got it? Yeah. That's a heavy...

671
00:52:39,659 --> 00:52:41,659
That's a bit denser, that one.

672
00:52:44,659 --> 00:52:45,658
I hate bamboo.

673
00:52:45,659 --> 00:52:46,658
I hate bamboo.

674
00:52:46,659 --> 00:52:48,659
So much.

675
00:52:58,659 --> 00:52:59,658
You know,

676
00:52:59,659 --> 00:53:02,658
after that drive through Burma,

677
00:53:02,659 --> 00:53:04,658
I was left with

678
00:53:04,659 --> 00:53:08,658
an enormous amount of respect
for long-distance lorry drivers.

679
00:53:08,659 --> 00:53:09,658
But...

680
00:53:09,659 --> 00:53:11,658
Here, now,

681
00:53:11,659 --> 00:53:14,658
I have even more respect for those
prisoners of war...

682
00:53:14,659 --> 00:53:16,658
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

683
00:53:16,659 --> 00:53:19,658
I mean, let's be honest,
shall we,

684
00:53:19,659 --> 00:53:21,658
we are eat eating here at night.
Yeah.

685
00:53:21,659 --> 00:53:25,658
We haven't got dysentery
and we haven't got cholera. No.

686
00:53:25,659 --> 00:53:28,658
And we're not been beaten, daily.
No, no.

687
00:53:28,659 --> 00:53:31,658
This is difficult, hard, hot work...

688
00:53:31,659 --> 00:53:35,658
But nothing... No... at all...

689
00:53:35,659 --> 00:53:38,658
You know that metal box. Yeah.

690
00:53:38,659 --> 00:53:42,658
There was a guy called
Captain Drauer

691
00:53:42,659 --> 00:53:46,658
who broke the camp commandant's
table.

692
00:53:46,659 --> 00:53:49,658
He was sentenced to life underground
and they buried him

693
00:53:49,659 --> 00:53:52,658
in one of those metal boxes with
a metal roof exposed to the sun

694
00:53:52,659 --> 00:53:56,658
and he was in there for 76 days.
Oh, God.

695
00:53:56,659 --> 00:54:00,658
He had a broken arm when they put
him in and when they got him out

696
00:54:00,659 --> 00:54:02,659
the rats had eaten most of one
of his feet.

697
00:54:04,659 --> 00:54:06,659
It just beggars belief.

698
00:54:24,659 --> 00:54:27,658
'As the sun rose on the 15th day,

699
00:54:27,659 --> 00:54:31,658
'after the hardest work any of us
had ever done,

700
00:54:31,659 --> 00:54:33,659
'the bridge was finished.'

701
00:54:44,659 --> 00:54:46,658
That is a proud moment.

702
00:54:46,659 --> 00:54:48,658
But...

703
00:54:48,659 --> 00:54:50,659
There's a slope on it.

704
00:54:52,659 --> 00:54:54,659
You're right.
It's definitely higher on that side.

705
00:54:58,659 --> 00:55:00,658
'We decided to ignore the slope

706
00:55:00,659 --> 00:55:03,658
'and move straight to the
opening ceremony.'

707
00:55:03,659 --> 00:55:06,658
In three, two, one...

708
00:55:06,659 --> 00:55:07,659
I declare...

709
00:55:08,659 --> 00:55:10,659
..the bridge open.

710
00:55:12,659 --> 00:55:14,658
What a moment.

711
00:55:14,659 --> 00:55:16,658
And James May,
you shall cross it first.

712
00:55:16,659 --> 00:55:18,658
Why am I crossing it first?

713
00:55:18,659 --> 00:55:21,658
Because I just said, "James May,
you shall cross it first".

714
00:55:21,659 --> 00:55:24,659
He did, he said that. I did, didn't I?
You did, you said that. Definitely.

715
00:55:29,659 --> 00:55:31,658
Right...

716
00:55:31,659 --> 00:55:33,658
Lucky elephant, lucky owl,

717
00:55:33,659 --> 00:55:35,659
Buddha, here we go.

718
00:55:49,659 --> 00:55:51,659
Oh, yeah.

719
00:55:52,659 --> 00:55:55,659
I on the bridge over the River Kok.

720
00:56:05,659 --> 00:56:08,658
This is genuinely the most nerve
wracking thing I've ever done.

721
00:56:08,659 --> 00:56:12,658
James, you are perilously...
Does he realise?

722
00:56:12,659 --> 00:56:14,658
He's a long way over to the right.

723
00:56:14,659 --> 00:56:16,658
Just keep calm,

724
00:56:16,659 --> 00:56:18,658
keep calm.

725
00:56:18,659 --> 00:56:21,659
Oh, my God! It's squirreling.

726
00:56:24,659 --> 00:56:26,659
Oh! They're bending.

727
00:56:28,659 --> 00:56:30,001
I'm more than halfway across.

728
00:56:34,659 --> 00:56:36,659
BLEEP

729
00:56:38,659 --> 00:56:40,658
All I've got to do is get down here.

730
00:56:40,659 --> 00:56:43,658
I just got to get down here.

731
00:56:43,659 --> 00:56:45,658
I've almost done it.

732
00:56:45,659 --> 00:56:47,659
Please...

733
00:56:53,659 --> 00:56:55,659
I'm over the River Kok
on our own bridge!

734
00:56:58,659 --> 00:57:00,658
Yee-ha!

735
00:57:00,659 --> 00:57:01,659
Come on!

736
00:57:03,659 --> 00:57:04,658
Can you go next?

737
00:57:04,659 --> 00:57:07,658
Yes, I will go next. Yes?

738
00:57:07,659 --> 00:57:10,659
Yes, because your lorry is a lot heavier
than my lorry and will weaken it.

739
00:57:12,659 --> 00:57:13,659
I didn't think of that.

740
00:57:19,659 --> 00:57:22,658
I have a policy here,
speed and power.

741
00:57:22,659 --> 00:57:25,658
Because, in my mind,

742
00:57:25,659 --> 00:57:26,659
speed makes you lighter.

743
00:57:29,659 --> 00:57:31,057
I'm approaching the bridge now.

744
00:57:32,659 --> 00:57:34,658
Here we go.

745
00:57:34,659 --> 00:57:39,658
Taking your first ever gear change
on the bridge over the River Kok

746
00:57:39,659 --> 00:57:40,659
and I bolst it up!

747
00:57:42,659 --> 00:57:45,659
Getting to close to the middle.

748
00:57:49,659 --> 00:57:51,659
Oh, the splintering noises.

749
00:57:54,659 --> 00:57:56,659
I'm weakening it for Hammond!

750
00:57:58,659 --> 00:58:01,659
Yes! Come on sports lorry!

751
00:58:03,659 --> 00:58:05,658
Yes!

752
00:58:05,659 --> 00:58:08,658
My sports lorry has broken its door

753
00:58:08,659 --> 00:58:13,658
but it is across and is bouncing to
celebrate the moment.

754
00:58:13,659 --> 00:58:16,659
Yes!

755
00:58:17,659 --> 00:58:22,659
'Now it was the turn of the heaviest
lorry of the lot.'

756
00:58:25,659 --> 00:58:27,659
Oh, dear God.

757
00:58:31,659 --> 00:58:33,658
This is a bridge that we built.

758
00:58:33,659 --> 00:58:37,658
I mean, obviously, I want him to
fall into the Kok.

759
00:58:37,659 --> 00:58:38,658
Yes...

760
00:58:38,659 --> 00:58:41,658
But, if he does, we can't go home.

761
00:58:41,659 --> 00:58:44,659
The challenge said all three
lorries doing it. I know.

762
00:58:45,659 --> 00:58:50,658
This struck is supposed
to weigh 7.5 tonnes.

763
00:58:50,659 --> 00:58:53,658
I don't know if that takes
into consideration

764
00:58:53,659 --> 00:58:55,658
all the extra bits on top!

765
00:58:55,659 --> 00:58:56,658
Oh, my God!

766
00:58:56,659 --> 00:58:58,659
Oh, oh!

767
00:59:02,659 --> 00:59:04,658
Oh!

768
00:59:04,659 --> 00:59:06,658
Oh, I can hear it crushing.

769
00:59:06,659 --> 00:59:08,659
I can feel it moving.

770
00:59:09,659 --> 00:59:11,658
Oh, no, what's happened?

771
00:59:11,659 --> 00:59:15,658
Oh, no!

772
00:59:15,659 --> 00:59:17,658
What have I done?

773
00:59:17,659 --> 00:59:20,658
It's going at this end, as well.

774
00:59:20,659 --> 00:59:23,658
It's losing structure!

775
00:59:23,659 --> 00:59:25,658
Oh!

776
00:59:25,659 --> 00:59:27,658
It's breaking apart!

777
00:59:27,659 --> 00:59:29,658
Oh!

778
00:59:29,659 --> 00:59:30,886
Don't rush to the end, Rich.

779
00:59:30,887 --> 00:59:32,658
Just go in your own...

780
00:59:32,659 --> 00:59:36,658
Oh!

781
00:59:36,659 --> 00:59:37,659
Just tiptoe.

782
00:59:39,659 --> 00:59:41,658
Just tread lightly.

783
00:59:41,659 --> 00:59:43,658
Just tiptoe your way across.

784
00:59:43,659 --> 00:59:46,658
That's it. That's it.

785
00:59:46,659 --> 00:59:47,658
Light thoughts.

786
00:59:47,659 --> 00:59:49,659
This way, this way.

787
00:59:55,659 --> 00:59:57,658
This way a bit. This way a bit.

788
00:59:57,659 --> 00:59:59,658
This way a bit.

789
00:59:59,659 --> 01:00:01,658
This way, this way,
you're going to fall off.

790
01:00:01,659 --> 01:00:03,659
You're going to fall in!

791
01:00:08,659 --> 01:00:09,659
Yeah!

792
01:00:11,659 --> 01:00:13,658
Wo-ha-ha!

793
01:00:13,659 --> 01:00:15,658
Yes!

794
01:00:15,659 --> 01:00:17,658
Richard Hammond!

795
01:00:17,659 --> 01:00:19,658
I've never been
glad to see you alive before

796
01:00:19,659 --> 01:00:20,658
but I am now.

797
01:00:20,659 --> 01:00:22,658
You were so close.

798
01:00:22,659 --> 01:00:25,658
We did it. We did it.

799
01:00:25,659 --> 01:00:27,658
Ow! Sorry.

800
01:00:27,659 --> 01:00:28,659
Mate...

801
01:00:30,659 --> 01:00:34,658
Do you know how close you were to
falling into the middle at the end?

802
01:00:34,659 --> 01:00:36,658
Half a tyre.

803
01:00:36,659 --> 01:00:38,658
Half a tyre over the edge.

804
01:00:38,659 --> 01:00:40,658
The fact is, though...

805
01:00:40,659 --> 01:00:42,658
All three of us have done it.

806
01:00:42,659 --> 01:00:45,658
With our trucks, over the river.

807
01:00:45,659 --> 01:00:46,658
Here we are.

808
01:00:46,659 --> 01:00:49,658
1,200 miles, built a bridge... Yeah.

809
01:00:49,659 --> 01:00:51,658
..drove all three lorries across it.
Yeah.

810
01:00:51,659 --> 01:00:54,359
It worked.

811
01:00:54,387 --> 01:00:58,387
Unlike the real film,
Bridge On The River Kwai...

812
01:00:59,067 --> 01:01:01,066
..there is no bombshell.

813
01:01:01,067 --> 01:01:02,066
No. No.

814
01:01:02,067 --> 01:01:05,066
But there is an ending.

815
01:01:05,067 --> 01:01:07,066
Thanks very much for watching.
Thanks for watching.

816
01:01:07,067 --> 01:01:09,066
What a journey!

817
01:01:09,067 --> 01:01:11,067
God, you were close.