1
00:00:05,022 --> 00:00:09,021
'Our adventure began in
the old Burmese capital Rangoon,
2
00:00:09,022 --> 00:00:12,021
'where, having bought
three ancient lorries...'
3
00:00:12,022 --> 00:00:14,822
Hammond, this seat is a church pew.
4
00:00:14,852 --> 00:00:17,851
'..we were told we had to build a
bridge over the River Kwai that was
5
00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:19,851
'strong enough to support them.'
6
00:00:19,852 --> 00:00:22,851
How big a bridge are we going to have
to build to support my truck?
7
00:00:22,852 --> 00:00:24,851
How much does yours weigh?
About 1,000 tonnes.
8
00:00:24,852 --> 00:00:29,851
'Getting to the river in Thailand
meant a 1,200 mile journey
9
00:00:29,852 --> 00:00:32,851
'across Burma on roads that
were dangerous...'
10
00:00:32,852 --> 00:00:35,851
Whoa.
11
00:00:35,852 --> 00:00:37,851
'..mountainous...'
12
00:00:37,852 --> 00:00:39,852
Ahhhhh!
13
00:00:40,097 --> 00:00:42,096
'..and often not roads at all.'
14
00:00:42,097 --> 00:00:45,096
Watch the wheel spin.
Sliding badly.
15
00:00:45,097 --> 00:00:50,096
'Since the producers insisted
we stay in Burmese truck stops...'
16
00:00:50,097 --> 00:00:52,097
Oh, it's not so bad.
17
00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:57,096
'..we turned our lorries
into houses.'
18
00:00:57,097 --> 00:01:00,097
Not all of my improvements
have turned out to be improvements.
19
00:01:04,097 --> 00:01:07,096
'Way out in the middle of nowhere,
we ran out of fuel,
20
00:01:07,097 --> 00:01:09,096
'and whilst looking for diesel...'
21
00:01:09,097 --> 00:01:12,096
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
22
00:01:12,097 --> 00:01:15,096
'..Hammond was thrown by a stallion
and injured his arm.'
23
00:01:15,097 --> 00:01:17,097
Ah, BLEEP.
24
00:01:17,236 --> 00:01:22,235
'Worse still, James's snoring
forced us to take drastic action.'
25
00:01:22,236 --> 00:01:24,235
Clarkson!
26
00:01:24,236 --> 00:01:26,235
'And everywhere we went,
27
00:01:26,236 --> 00:01:30,236
'Hammond's vertical exhausts
were causing chaos.'
28
00:01:31,236 --> 00:01:33,235
I've lost my other stack.
29
00:01:33,236 --> 00:01:37,236
As you know, we're not the US
Marines, we leave a man behind.
30
00:01:38,914 --> 00:02:00,549
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
31
00:02:07,236 --> 00:02:09,236
Sorry.
32
00:02:10,236 --> 00:02:13,236
It's OK. Nothing to see.
33
00:02:17,236 --> 00:02:18,236
Ow.
34
00:02:20,236 --> 00:02:24,235
'Far ahead of Hammond's
disintegrating lorry,
35
00:02:24,236 --> 00:02:28,235
'James and I were about to enter a
secretive region of Burma known as
36
00:02:28,236 --> 00:02:30,235
'the Shan state.
37
00:02:30,236 --> 00:02:33,235
'A civil war has raged
here for 60 years.
38
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:39,236
'No television crew has ever been
allowed in. We would be the first.'
39
00:02:41,236 --> 00:02:44,235
There is a very good reason
why it's so secretive in there.
40
00:02:44,236 --> 00:02:47,235
You see, the travel companies
would have you believe that
41
00:02:47,236 --> 00:02:51,235
the Golden Triangle is,
well, it's a tourist attraction,
42
00:02:51,236 --> 00:02:54,236
at the point where Thailand, Burma
and Laos all meet.
43
00:02:56,236 --> 00:03:00,235
But the golden triangle
with the - how can I put this -
44
00:03:00,236 --> 00:03:05,236
the special agriculture -
that is in the Shan.
45
00:03:07,236 --> 00:03:11,235
Apparently, some of the special
agriculture is known as horse,
46
00:03:11,236 --> 00:03:16,235
they're obviously growing horses
somehow. I shall look for those.
47
00:03:16,236 --> 00:03:19,236
Fields of horses growing in them.
48
00:03:24,236 --> 00:03:27,235
Here we go. Warm and cordial
welcome, this is it. This is it.
49
00:03:27,236 --> 00:03:29,236
We are entering the Shan.
50
00:03:32,236 --> 00:03:35,236
We genuinely are representing
the Western world.
51
00:03:37,236 --> 00:03:39,236
Good job I'm wearing a tie.
52
00:03:41,236 --> 00:03:43,235
'Unfortunately,
as the roads started to climb,
53
00:03:43,236 --> 00:03:47,236
'James and I rather forgot
the significance of where we were.'
54
00:03:51,236 --> 00:03:53,236
Go! Come on, lorry.
55
00:03:58,236 --> 00:04:03,235
'Welcome, then, to the inaugural
Shan state lorry hill climb.
56
00:04:03,236 --> 00:04:05,235
'A sport where a
single botched gear change
57
00:04:05,236 --> 00:04:07,235
'can make all the difference.'
58
00:04:07,236 --> 00:04:09,236
Attempt to squeeze in.
59
00:04:10,236 --> 00:04:11,236
It's coming.
60
00:04:15,236 --> 00:04:19,236
No, no, no!
I'm trapped by the pick-up.
61
00:04:20,236 --> 00:04:22,236
Eat my dirt.
62
00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:31,236
Got the inside line.
63
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,236
This is the best race in the world.
64
00:04:41,236 --> 00:04:44,235
I've blocked him, I blocked him.
65
00:04:44,236 --> 00:04:48,236
Shall we call a temporary truce
while we go through the town, yeah?
66
00:04:51,236 --> 00:04:53,235
When we get back,
if we're interviewed by MI6
67
00:04:53,236 --> 00:04:56,235
and they say,
"What was it like in the Shan?"
68
00:04:56,236 --> 00:04:59,235
We'll have to go, "I don't know,
we were racing lorries."
69
00:04:59,236 --> 00:05:03,235
I am embarrassed to be
the first Westerner in here
70
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:06,236
and I'm driving a sports lorry with
a pink teddy bear on the front.
71
00:05:09,236 --> 00:05:13,235
'To make us look more dignified,
I put Rudyard in the cab,
72
00:05:13,236 --> 00:05:17,444
'and then
we set off into the unknown.'
73
00:05:21,236 --> 00:05:22,236
God above.
74
00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:26,235
I think I've accidentally
taken a short cut
75
00:05:26,236 --> 00:05:29,236
into the set of Game Of Thrones.
76
00:05:35,236 --> 00:05:39,235
'Here, in a region that is bigger
than England and Wales put together,
77
00:05:39,236 --> 00:05:44,236
'there is just one road, built
150 years ago, by the British.
78
00:05:45,236 --> 00:05:49,235
'But there is no electricity,
no mobile phone signal, no TV,
79
00:05:49,236 --> 00:05:51,235
'no hotels, no hospitals.
80
00:05:51,236 --> 00:05:53,236
'And in the skies, no planes.'
81
00:05:59,236 --> 00:06:01,236
That is gigantic.
82
00:06:06,236 --> 00:06:09,235
'Bowled over by it all,
James and I pulled over,
83
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:11,235
'and after Hammond caught up...'
84
00:06:11,236 --> 00:06:15,235
Oh, yes, the 1920s is arriving.
85
00:06:15,236 --> 00:06:19,235
'..we tried to work out why
us three had been the first ones
86
00:06:19,236 --> 00:06:21,235
'allowed in here.'
87
00:06:21,236 --> 00:06:22,235
Think about it.
88
00:06:22,236 --> 00:06:27,235
If you were North Korea, and you
wanted to portray to your people
89
00:06:27,236 --> 00:06:32,235
how lumpen and useless the West was,
you'd invite us three, wouldn't you?
90
00:06:32,236 --> 00:06:34,235
Yeah.
91
00:06:34,236 --> 00:06:36,235
Because we'd wander about
and the North Koreans would go,
92
00:06:36,236 --> 00:06:39,235
"Why would we want to be Western?
Look at them. They're dreadful."
93
00:06:39,236 --> 00:06:41,235
You've got bird poo on
your shoulder. I have.
94
00:06:41,236 --> 00:06:44,235
So what the government is
essentially saying to these
95
00:06:44,236 --> 00:06:46,235
people is, why would you want to
live like they do in the West?
96
00:06:46,236 --> 00:06:49,235
Look at them. There's another
thing that we're doing.
97
00:06:49,236 --> 00:06:51,235
This is just an incidental service.
98
00:06:51,236 --> 00:06:54,235
They haven't seen many
Westerners here.
99
00:06:54,236 --> 00:06:57,235
We are at least showing...
They're not going to end up saying,
100
00:06:57,236 --> 00:07:00,235
"They all look the same to me,"
are they? With us three.
101
00:07:00,236 --> 00:07:04,235
That's just blatantly racist.
102
00:07:04,236 --> 00:07:08,235
No... Clearly. Yes, you are.
You are.
103
00:07:08,236 --> 00:07:10,235
You're assuming that they think
we all look the same
104
00:07:10,236 --> 00:07:12,235
because we think
they all look the same.
105
00:07:12,236 --> 00:07:14,235
Now you're making a leap,
I didn't...
106
00:07:14,236 --> 00:07:17,235
You're completing something
that I didn't put in.
107
00:07:17,236 --> 00:07:19,236
Yes, we are,
but it's quite good fun.
108
00:07:21,236 --> 00:07:24,236
'Keen to see more of the Shan,
we moved on.'
109
00:07:37,236 --> 00:07:44,235
Chaps, check out the driver of this
tuk-tuk. What's he done?
110
00:07:44,236 --> 00:07:47,236
I don't know what it was,
but he's done a lot of it.
111
00:07:48,236 --> 00:07:51,236
He's off his face. Oh, dear.
112
00:07:52,236 --> 00:07:54,236
Oh, Lord, I see what you mean.
113
00:07:57,236 --> 00:08:01,235
James, do you see any fields
where they are growing horses?
114
00:08:01,236 --> 00:08:05,236
No, I haven't seen a single
horse plantation yet.
115
00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:11,235
'What we did see, however,
was evidence of what is officially
116
00:08:11,236 --> 00:08:14,236
'the world's longest running
civil war.'
117
00:08:19,236 --> 00:08:21,236
This is a big army presence, here.
118
00:08:26,236 --> 00:08:31,236
'James, however, seemed to have
less important things on his mind.'
119
00:08:32,236 --> 00:08:36,236
Time to try out my water
brake cooling system.
120
00:08:37,236 --> 00:08:40,236
I'm ready. A little switch.
121
00:08:44,236 --> 00:08:45,627
I think it works.
122
00:08:57,236 --> 00:08:59,235
Cock.
123
00:08:59,236 --> 00:09:02,236
My steering has just locked up.
124
00:09:04,236 --> 00:09:08,235
I'm not sure that's a good idea,
James, is it? Blocking the Army?
125
00:09:08,236 --> 00:09:14,236
'The problem was a big one.
The front axle had broken.'
126
00:09:17,236 --> 00:09:21,236
There's only one thing I can think
to play at a time like this.
127
00:09:27,236 --> 00:09:32,236
Well, off you go. Goodbye.
That's a bad one, isn't it? See you.
128
00:09:49,236 --> 00:09:53,235
Ow! BLEEP.
129
00:09:53,236 --> 00:09:56,235
'As Hammond and I travelled
deeper into the Shan,
130
00:09:56,236 --> 00:09:57,236
'the road became worse.'
131
00:10:00,236 --> 00:10:02,236
Argh!
132
00:10:06,236 --> 00:10:10,236
'And the reason why soon
became clear.'
133
00:10:14,236 --> 00:10:17,236
That was an actual baby there,
building the road.
134
00:10:23,236 --> 00:10:26,236
It's not a good policy, because
the road surface is dreadful.
135
00:10:28,236 --> 00:10:31,236
Babies are no good at
building roads, look.
136
00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:40,236
'Which were a problem for
Hammond's heavy lumber bus.'
137
00:10:44,236 --> 00:10:46,235
God, it's torture.
138
00:10:46,236 --> 00:10:50,236
I hate this, I hate this,
I hate this.
139
00:10:55,236 --> 00:11:01,236
Change gear...
No. Grind, grind, grind.
140
00:11:03,236 --> 00:11:05,235
And when we get to the end,
141
00:11:05,236 --> 00:11:09,236
we have to build a bridge
over the River Kwai.
142
00:11:13,236 --> 00:11:16,235
'Eventually,
we had to rest our weary bones,
143
00:11:16,236 --> 00:11:19,236
'so we pulled over in
a remote settlement.'
144
00:11:21,236 --> 00:11:23,235
You know, in a village like this,
145
00:11:23,236 --> 00:11:28,235
it really is possible
they don't know the West exists.
146
00:11:28,236 --> 00:11:31,235
They will never have seen
faces like ours. No.
147
00:11:31,236 --> 00:11:34,235
I'm amazed they're not more amazed.
148
00:11:34,236 --> 00:11:38,235
I think it's a cultural thing,
it would be rude to show it. Yeah.
149
00:11:38,236 --> 00:11:40,235
It's sort of...
150
00:11:40,236 --> 00:11:43,236
Definitely the first white faces
they've ever seen.
151
00:11:46,236 --> 00:11:48,235
'Many miles further back,
152
00:11:48,236 --> 00:11:52,235
'I had sorted my axle issue
by using a ratchet strap
153
00:11:52,236 --> 00:11:54,236
'to hold it in place.'
154
00:11:56,236 --> 00:11:57,236
I hate my lorry.
155
00:11:59,236 --> 00:12:03,236
What I'm driving here is a massive
dog's egg with a crane on the back.
156
00:12:05,236 --> 00:12:06,710
Oh, God, let this day end.
157
00:12:10,236 --> 00:12:14,235
'As the afternoon sun drew low,
I was reunited with my colleagues,
158
00:12:14,236 --> 00:12:21,235
'and we decided to make camp
in a small town.'
159
00:12:21,236 --> 00:12:24,236
Look at that lot.
Communal, open-air natural bathing.
160
00:12:31,236 --> 00:12:33,236
Hello.
161
00:12:36,236 --> 00:12:38,235
We're in the middle of the Shan.
162
00:12:38,236 --> 00:12:41,235
We're supposed to be
frightened to death.
163
00:12:41,236 --> 00:12:43,236
It's not frightening though,
is it? It's lovely.
164
00:12:45,236 --> 00:12:48,236
'As we set up camp, the locals
seemed to be busy as well.
165
00:12:50,236 --> 00:12:52,236
'And Jeremy had found out why.'
166
00:12:55,236 --> 00:13:03,235
Hammond, May. Yes? What? It turns
out we've been invited to a party.
167
00:13:03,236 --> 00:13:06,235
Right. Where? Here, in the town.
168
00:13:06,236 --> 00:13:10,235
You know there's been
a civil war raging?
169
00:13:10,236 --> 00:13:13,235
All of the people who've been
fighting are coming together tonight
170
00:13:13,236 --> 00:13:16,235
to welcome us here
to the Shan state.
171
00:13:16,236 --> 00:13:19,235
You know the Good Friday Agreement
where they got Major,
172
00:13:19,236 --> 00:13:23,235
Gerry Adams and Paisley all in
one room and it was amazing?
173
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:26,235
Well, apparently this
is as amazing as that in Burma.
174
00:13:26,236 --> 00:13:30,235
Who do they think we are?
I don't know.
175
00:13:30,236 --> 00:13:34,235
Probably Richard Dimbleby,
James McNulty and Jeremy Paxman.
176
00:13:34,236 --> 00:13:37,235
They're not familiar with Top Gear,
are they? Evidently not.
177
00:13:37,236 --> 00:13:40,235
The only thing I'm speculating on
is I don't think
178
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:46,235
we should turn up looking like this.
No. I have no formal wear with me.
179
00:13:46,236 --> 00:13:48,236
Naked would be better than that.
180
00:13:51,236 --> 00:13:53,235
'As Hammond wouldn't let us
use his shower,
181
00:13:53,236 --> 00:13:55,236
'James and I had to go native.'
182
00:14:03,236 --> 00:14:11,236
Women go there, and men go here.
183
00:14:15,236 --> 00:14:17,236
'As we finished our ablutions...
184
00:14:20,236 --> 00:14:23,236
'..the various factions
started to arrive.
185
00:14:25,236 --> 00:14:29,235
'And Jeremy invited us over
for pre-dinner cocktails.'
186
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:34,235
Listen, help yourselves to a drink,
because I've had a thought.
187
00:14:34,236 --> 00:14:40,235
It's possible MI6 or the DEA or
some intelligence agency will want
188
00:14:40,236 --> 00:14:45,235
to talk to us when
we get back about here. Right.
189
00:14:45,236 --> 00:14:49,235
So, manners - polite, British,
representatives of the BBC,
190
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:51,235
but pay attention.
191
00:14:51,236 --> 00:14:55,235
But don't make it obvious that you're
finding things out, just be...
192
00:14:55,236 --> 00:14:57,235
'With a final word of warning
to Hammond...'
193
00:14:57,236 --> 00:14:58,235
Don't get drunk.
194
00:14:58,236 --> 00:15:02,236
I'll just have one before I go.
'..we headed off to the party.'
195
00:15:05,236 --> 00:15:08,235
From Britain, BBC television.
196
00:15:08,236 --> 00:15:12,235
'Where we were offered
some local delicacies...'
197
00:15:12,236 --> 00:15:13,235
It's a caterpillar?
198
00:15:13,236 --> 00:15:16,235
That's right, that's right,
caterpillar. Caterpillar.
199
00:15:16,236 --> 00:15:18,235
Goodbye, caterpillar.
200
00:15:18,236 --> 00:15:20,235
'As caterpillars weren't
to Hammond's taste,
201
00:15:20,236 --> 00:15:23,236
'he went off to find something
that was.'
202
00:15:27,236 --> 00:15:34,235
Hello, hello. Hello, yes.
I can do that. Yes, I could do that.
203
00:15:34,236 --> 00:15:36,235
This is all right.
I'm coming in, I like this.
204
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,235
'As the food kept coming...'
205
00:15:38,236 --> 00:15:41,235
This is a cicada, a cricket.
206
00:15:41,236 --> 00:15:44,235
'..I was discovering that
the region's special agriculture
207
00:15:44,236 --> 00:15:51,235
'didn't seem to be that special.'
208
00:15:51,236 --> 00:15:53,877
So it's sunflower seeds, soya bean,
nothing else. Nothing, nothing.
209
00:15:54,236 --> 00:15:57,236
'Still, I was learning
more than James...
210
00:16:01,236 --> 00:16:03,236
'..or Hammond.'
211
00:16:09,236 --> 00:16:12,236
Who's got any Whiskey?
Have you got any Scotch?
212
00:16:14,236 --> 00:16:19,235
'By midnight, I'd been through
every single crop in the area.'
213
00:16:19,236 --> 00:16:22,235
Sesame seeds. Sesame seeds,
yeah, yeah. Maize.
214
00:16:22,236 --> 00:16:25,235
'So, I took a leaf
out of Hammond's book...'
215
00:16:25,236 --> 00:16:27,235
Cheers, cheers, cheers.
216
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:32,236
'..and, along with May and half
the film crew, joined the party.'
217
00:16:38,236 --> 00:16:42,235
♪ I'm dressing sharp
and I'm acting cool,
218
00:16:42,236 --> 00:16:45,236
♪ Got a cheerleader here... ♪
219
00:17:12,236 --> 00:17:15,235
Well, one thing is for sure.
220
00:17:15,236 --> 00:17:19,235
There are absolutely no drugs
in this part of Burma. No, none.
221
00:17:19,236 --> 00:17:21,235
I talked to everybody and...
222
00:17:21,236 --> 00:17:26,235
I talked to people involved
in the sales and distribution
223
00:17:26,236 --> 00:17:30,235
of stationery, I talked to
farmers, Army people, Colonel Kurtz.
224
00:17:30,236 --> 00:17:36,235
I spoke to Colonel Kurtz,
he was in vegetables.
225
00:17:36,236 --> 00:17:40,236
we can say, "You're looking
in the wrong place."
226
00:17:42,236 --> 00:17:46,235
Have you seen...
Our colleague is not well.
227
00:17:46,236 --> 00:17:50,235
We've got a lot of time to kill this
morning before that is capable
228
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,236
of driving a lorry.
229
00:17:58,236 --> 00:18:02,236
'Many, many hours later,
we were back on the road.'
230
00:18:06,236 --> 00:18:08,236
I think I punched a colonel.
231
00:18:10,236 --> 00:18:12,235
Or kissed him.
232
00:18:12,236 --> 00:18:17,235
Hammond? Yeah? What was
your whiskey called again?
233
00:18:17,236 --> 00:18:20,235
Hankie Banister.
234
00:18:20,236 --> 00:18:25,236
"Hankie Banister. Third-best
Whiskey in northern Burma."
235
00:18:28,236 --> 00:18:32,235
'Soon, though, the memories of our
summit at the end of Apocalypse Now
236
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:37,236
'were eclipsed by the sheer beauty
of this untouched paradise.'
237
00:18:45,236 --> 00:18:50,235
I've never taken more landscape
photographs in my entire life.
238
00:18:50,236 --> 00:18:51,236
It's just...
239
00:18:53,236 --> 00:18:57,236
You've got to come here.
You have got to come and see this.
240
00:19:04,236 --> 00:19:07,235
'James would have enjoyed
the view, too,
241
00:19:07,236 --> 00:19:11,236
'but predictably he'd had yet
another breakdown.'
242
00:19:16,236 --> 00:19:25,235
Cock. The problem is - well,
I don't know what the problem is,
243
00:19:25,236 --> 00:19:28,235
on two, then it was definitely only
running on one cylinder, because it
244
00:19:28,236 --> 00:19:32,236
sounded like the sort of generator
people put on in the night.
245
00:19:33,236 --> 00:19:35,236
Ah, BLEEP.
246
00:19:36,236 --> 00:19:38,236
Non-BBC Two word.
247
00:19:40,236 --> 00:19:43,235
'Once I'd fixed the problem,
which was wonky fuel injectors,
248
00:19:43,236 --> 00:19:45,236
'I was on the move again.'
249
00:19:47,236 --> 00:19:49,236
God, this lorry is appalling.
250
00:19:51,236 --> 00:19:53,235
'And it didn't take long
to catch the others,
251
00:19:53,236 --> 00:19:57,236
'because the road was steep,
and Hammond was in front.'
252
00:20:01,236 --> 00:20:04,236
First gear. Bad.
253
00:20:07,236 --> 00:20:09,236
Literally the slowest
I've ever been.
254
00:20:12,236 --> 00:20:14,235
Hammond, I haven't got
any more gears left.
255
00:20:14,236 --> 00:20:16,235
I can't get out the way,
the road's too narrow,
256
00:20:16,236 --> 00:20:19,236
I can't go any faster,
I'm in a lorry.
257
00:20:25,236 --> 00:20:27,236
It's pretty much vertical.
258
00:20:29,236 --> 00:20:35,236
God, look at the smoke now.
I've got a mining lung disease.
259
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:40,236
I'm starting to imagine what Hammond
might look like without any skin on.
260
00:20:45,236 --> 00:20:46,236
Now what?
261
00:20:48,236 --> 00:20:51,236
I think if we all back up,
he can come in here.
262
00:20:53,236 --> 00:20:56,236
Hammond, we can't -
there's nothing to be gained by...
263
00:20:58,236 --> 00:21:01,236
Hammond, you idiot, you've
reversed into the sports lorry!
264
00:21:03,236 --> 00:21:07,236
You've broken it. I didn't know.
Genuinely, that was an accident.
265
00:21:08,236 --> 00:21:12,236
Don't just drive off, Hammond.
Hammond! Hammond!
266
00:21:14,236 --> 00:21:21,236
He's broken my headlights, radiator.
My bull bar is broken. The mirror.
267
00:21:22,236 --> 00:21:24,235
What, you just reverse and hope?
268
00:21:24,236 --> 00:21:27,235
Where did you think I was?!
All day, I have been behind you.
269
00:21:27,236 --> 00:21:30,235
I didn't think you were
that close behind me.
270
00:21:30,236 --> 00:21:33,235
I now know why they have those
stickers for lorry drivers -
271
00:21:33,236 --> 00:21:36,236
"If you can't see my mirrors,
I can't see you."
272
00:21:38,236 --> 00:21:42,235
'Even though the incident had been
technically my fault,
273
00:21:42,236 --> 00:21:44,236
'I still followed
the standard procedure.'
274
00:21:46,236 --> 00:21:49,236
What? He knows the rules.
Live by the sword, you must...
275
00:21:51,236 --> 00:21:54,236
I can't remember. Whatever.
Something to do with swords.
276
00:21:59,236 --> 00:22:03,235
Held me up all day,
then he reversed into me,
277
00:22:03,236 --> 00:22:07,236
so I think tonight Hammond's
other wrist might break.
278
00:22:11,236 --> 00:22:13,235
However, when I reached
the overnight holds,
279
00:22:13,236 --> 00:22:16,235
I came up with a more fiendish idea.
280
00:22:16,236 --> 00:22:19,235
An idea that involved the bucket
Hammond had fitted to collect
281
00:22:19,236 --> 00:22:21,236
rainwater for his shower.
282
00:22:25,236 --> 00:22:31,236
I think this does pay him back
for holding us up all day long. Yep.
283
00:22:33,236 --> 00:22:35,236
Oh, there's more. Part two.
284
00:22:38,236 --> 00:22:42,235
'I then began to work
on my lorry's waterworks.'
285
00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:47,236
Massive nuts holding the radiator
on. 22 millimetres. Yeah.
286
00:22:50,236 --> 00:22:54,236
Oh, it's warm.
So warm, fresh rainwater.
287
00:22:56,236 --> 00:23:01,236
Golden rain. I can taste
the goodness. The outdoors.
288
00:23:03,236 --> 00:23:06,236
And neither of you two
thought of this.
289
00:23:14,236 --> 00:23:16,235
'After dining on roast grasshopper,
290
00:23:16,236 --> 00:23:20,236
'we spent the evening playing
with my Chinese lanterns.'
291
00:23:21,236 --> 00:23:24,235
Are you going to set them off here?
Why not?
292
00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:28,235
I should say in a country where a lot
of people live in houses made of...
293
00:23:28,236 --> 00:23:32,235
What is it, dried grass? Oh, relax.
That's not going to be a problem.
294
00:23:32,236 --> 00:23:36,235
The chances of you getting one
of those things to work...
295
00:23:36,236 --> 00:23:38,236
There, let it fly.
296
00:23:39,236 --> 00:23:42,235
Yes. Hammond, ye of little faith.
297
00:23:42,236 --> 00:23:44,235
Go find a barn or a thatched roof.
298
00:23:44,236 --> 00:23:48,235
Now, let's just... I'm going to get
a beer and savour the moment.
299
00:23:48,236 --> 00:23:50,235
This is a... It's a mobile bonfire.
It is.
300
00:23:50,236 --> 00:23:53,235
If it were to land in a field
of poppies, for example,
301
00:23:53,236 --> 00:23:56,236
imagine how beautiful that would be.
302
00:23:58,236 --> 00:24:03,236
'Feeling content and happy, we
went to bed. Well, one of us did.'
303
00:24:06,236 --> 00:24:09,235
What do you think
the chances are of waking him?
304
00:24:09,236 --> 00:24:11,372
You won't wake him,
he sleeps the sleep of the dead.
305
00:24:14,236 --> 00:24:16,236
That's in neutral.
306
00:24:29,236 --> 00:24:30,236
Jesus Christ!
307
00:24:42,236 --> 00:24:46,236
'Jeremy hit the road
in a fractious mood.'
308
00:24:47,236 --> 00:24:49,236
Why did you tip me out of my lorry?
309
00:24:51,236 --> 00:24:54,235
Because you swung me
around in my tent.
310
00:24:54,236 --> 00:24:58,235
You deserved that because you're
irritating. I'm never irritating.
311
00:24:58,236 --> 00:25:02,235
It's a good point Jeremy raises,
I feel quite bad about it now,
312
00:25:02,236 --> 00:25:04,236
because when has he
ever been irritating?
313
00:25:06,236 --> 00:25:08,235
'To make my mood even worse,
314
00:25:08,236 --> 00:25:13,236
'the endless hard going had had
a catastrophic effect on my brakes.'
315
00:25:15,236 --> 00:25:18,235
I think they're only working
now on the left-hand side.
316
00:25:18,236 --> 00:25:21,235
Nothing, everything.
317
00:25:21,236 --> 00:25:23,276
You move your foot that much,
that's the difference.
318
00:25:25,236 --> 00:25:30,235
Fortunately, we were now only 80
miles from the border with Thailand.
319
00:25:30,236 --> 00:25:34,236
But, unfortunately,
none of those miles would be gentle.
320
00:25:41,236 --> 00:25:46,236
Oh, it's bad in here and it will be
worse in Jeremy's lorry.
321
00:25:55,236 --> 00:25:58,235
'It was desperately uncomfortable,
and hot,
322
00:25:58,236 --> 00:26:02,236
'and ahead of us lay
the biggest mountain range yet.'
323
00:26:18,236 --> 00:26:22,236
This climb is exactly what you need
in a lorry with a leaky radiator.
324
00:26:30,236 --> 00:26:35,236
Oh, that is a
trouser-threatening drop.
325
00:26:37,236 --> 00:26:40,236
James May is a man
who does not like heights.
326
00:26:41,236 --> 00:26:45,235
He is also a man whose lorry has
its front axle held on with
327
00:26:45,236 --> 00:26:46,236
a bit of string.
328
00:26:48,236 --> 00:26:51,235
How's your vertigo, May?
I'm not looking.
329
00:26:51,236 --> 00:26:54,236
But thanks for reminding me.
330
00:26:57,236 --> 00:27:00,235
'Progress was extremely slow
331
00:27:00,236 --> 00:27:02,236
'as I had to keep stopping to
refill my radiator.'
332
00:27:04,236 --> 00:27:07,236
Pouring out from exactly
where the araldite was.
333
00:27:10,236 --> 00:27:14,235
Fairly convinced this is an
old wives' tale, but we shall see.
334
00:27:14,236 --> 00:27:18,236
'Meanwhile, James was having
his first breakdown of the day.'
335
00:27:22,236 --> 00:27:23,236
Oh, BLEEP.
336
00:27:25,236 --> 00:27:27,236
Nope.
337
00:27:29,236 --> 00:27:32,235
'This time, it was the transfer box,
338
00:27:32,236 --> 00:27:35,235
'which had burst
free from its mountings.'
339
00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:39,235
That's the transfer box, that's
the bracket where it's bolted on,
340
00:27:39,236 --> 00:27:42,235
those two bolts have been
shaken out.
341
00:27:42,236 --> 00:27:43,236
Oh, cock.
342
00:27:50,236 --> 00:27:53,236
Still going on,
still more mountains.
343
00:27:55,236 --> 00:27:57,236
When will this end?
344
00:28:00,944 --> 00:28:02,235
Oh, my God, it gets steep.
345
00:28:02,236 --> 00:28:04,235
I've got to keep moving,
346
00:28:04,236 --> 00:28:10,235
if I stop, pulling away will
kill the clutch, I'm sure of that.
347
00:28:10,236 --> 00:28:14,235
OK, my temperature gauge is now
really very high.
348
00:28:14,236 --> 00:28:18,235
I'm looking for a little stream.
349
00:28:18,236 --> 00:28:22,235
'Still, at least the mood
was more cheerful than it
350
00:28:22,236 --> 00:28:24,236
'was at the back of the convoy.'
351
00:28:33,236 --> 00:28:35,235
BLEEP.
352
00:28:35,236 --> 00:28:39,236
BLEEPING second gear failed, and now
the engine has BLEEP BLEEP arse.
353
00:28:40,236 --> 00:28:43,236
You piece of BLEEP.
354
00:28:45,236 --> 00:28:50,235
'With some careful nursing,
Jeremy and I eventually reached
355
00:28:50,236 --> 00:28:55,236
'the summit, where there was
one hell of a reward.'
356
00:29:00,236 --> 00:29:01,236
That is insane.
357
00:29:16,236 --> 00:29:22,235
Never seen views like it. Not as
extensive. Not all at the same time.
358
00:29:22,236 --> 00:29:26,235
What have we got here?
Himalayas. Yeah. Austria.
359
00:29:26,236 --> 00:29:32,235
Bit of Scotland going on there. Quite
a bit of Scotland. And the sky.
360
00:29:32,236 --> 00:29:37,236
Enormous. Like a sky from Texas.
Texas sky. But bigger. Much bigger.
361
00:29:40,236 --> 00:29:43,236
Absolutely staggering.
362
00:29:45,236 --> 00:29:49,236
'Sadly, though, the piece
of the moment was then shattered.'
363
00:29:53,024 --> 00:29:54,641
The A-MAY van has arrived.
364
00:29:58,236 --> 00:30:00,236
He's in a rile.
365
00:30:03,236 --> 00:30:06,235
Mate, you've got the crane here.
366
00:30:06,236 --> 00:30:08,236
BLEEP! Heap of dog BLEEP!
367
00:30:10,236 --> 00:30:14,235
Don't say anything.
I don't think he's very happy.
368
00:30:14,236 --> 00:30:16,235
You know the old Buddhist
expression, don't you?
369
00:30:16,236 --> 00:30:20,236
He who tips a man out of his lorry
will suffer from many breakdowns.
370
00:30:23,236 --> 00:30:27,235
From here to the border
with Thailand it was downhill
371
00:30:27,236 --> 00:30:28,235
all the way.
372
00:30:28,236 --> 00:30:31,235
Which for me, at least,
was a bit alarming.
373
00:30:31,236 --> 00:30:33,236
Oh, God. Look at that road now.
374
00:30:35,236 --> 00:30:37,236
No brakes, no brakes.
375
00:30:41,235 --> 00:30:43,235
If your brakes went entirely
would you stay with it
376
00:30:43,236 --> 00:30:47,235
and hope you could sort it out
or would you bail out?
377
00:30:47,236 --> 00:30:50,236
I'm actually sitting here
planning that very thing.
378
00:30:52,236 --> 00:30:54,235
I've planned my bailout already.
379
00:30:54,236 --> 00:30:58,235
I've even practised
lunging for the door handle.
380
00:30:58,236 --> 00:31:01,235
I've got an image of James
punching his lorry all
381
00:31:01,236 --> 00:31:03,236
the way down the slopes as they fell.
382
00:31:13,236 --> 00:31:18,235
Amazingly, we all made it to the
bottom of the mountain in one piece.
383
00:31:18,236 --> 00:31:20,236
Nearly.
384
00:31:22,236 --> 00:31:25,236
And now we were
only 40 miles from the Thai border.
385
00:31:29,236 --> 00:31:32,236
Oh, this is it.
We are about to leave Burma.
386
00:31:35,236 --> 00:31:37,236
I'm gonna miss it.
387
00:32:14,236 --> 00:32:17,235
Soon we cross the border
into Thailand and this meant
388
00:32:17,236 --> 00:32:23,235
we were now just 90 miles from our
finishing line at the River Kwai.
389
00:32:23,236 --> 00:32:27,236
19 miles of easy-going
on smooth roads.
390
00:32:36,236 --> 00:32:40,235
Oh, it's... Hammond your tyre!
Your tyre is...
391
00:32:40,236 --> 00:32:43,236
It's detonating, mate.
392
00:32:45,236 --> 00:32:47,236
It's hard to explain to you...
393
00:32:51,236 --> 00:32:56,236
I'm not giving up. I'm not stopping.
How many wheels do I need?
394
00:33:00,236 --> 00:33:05,236
Happily, the rest of my tyres stayed
inflated and as darkness fell...
395
00:33:06,236 --> 00:33:09,236
..we finally reached our destination.
396
00:33:14,236 --> 00:33:17,235
I believe we are at the River Kwai.
397
00:33:17,236 --> 00:33:19,236
The crane is here, everybody.
398
00:33:21,236 --> 00:33:25,235
It's bolted onto a BLEEP lorry
but never mind that.
399
00:33:25,236 --> 00:33:27,236
My brain is frazzled.
400
00:33:32,236 --> 00:33:36,235
to the lorry struggling and screaming
and straining to climb another hill.
401
00:33:36,236 --> 00:33:38,236
Ah, ah, ah!
402
00:33:40,236 --> 00:33:43,236
I am going to sleep for 1,000 years.
403
00:33:49,236 --> 00:33:51,235
Has my spine come out
of the top of my head?
404
00:33:51,236 --> 00:33:54,235
I can't see because my eyes
have been shaken loose.
405
00:33:54,236 --> 00:33:57,235
I think my pelvis has
moved around in my body.
406
00:33:57,236 --> 00:34:00,235
I'm not surprised in your lorry.
It doesn't work.
407
00:34:00,236 --> 00:34:02,235
Your pedals are all different.
408
00:34:02,236 --> 00:34:05,235
Releasing the clutch is that.
409
00:34:05,236 --> 00:34:08,235
It's like a Masonic dance thing
that I have to do every time.
410
00:34:08,236 --> 00:34:11,236
You know those power plates in gyms
that make you stupid?
411
00:34:13,236 --> 00:34:15,235
There's also a psychological thing,
412
00:34:15,236 --> 00:34:18,235
every time I hear a diesel engine
start I have a nervous twitch.
413
00:34:18,236 --> 00:34:21,235
Manual gearboxes. What?
414
00:34:21,236 --> 00:34:24,235
You have ruined me and my life.
415
00:34:24,236 --> 00:34:26,236
The gearbox is too far...
416
00:34:28,236 --> 00:34:32,235
"The Prisoners Of War
walked to their bridge site,
417
00:34:32,236 --> 00:34:35,236
"you have driven here so shut up."
418
00:34:38,236 --> 00:34:42,236
"Work on the bridge starts at 0500."
What?!
419
00:34:43,236 --> 00:34:47,235
"0500 and you can't go home
420
00:34:47,236 --> 00:34:51,235
"until all three lorries
have driven over it."
421
00:34:51,236 --> 00:34:55,235
0500. What's the point?
We're not still in the war.
422
00:34:55,236 --> 00:34:58,236
What's the point of 0500?
It will only be a little river.
423
00:35:03,236 --> 00:35:07,235
The next morning at precisely 0500..
and 11,
424
00:35:07,236 --> 00:35:10,236
we discovered just how wrong
we were.
425
00:35:24,236 --> 00:35:28,235
It is much wider than I thought
it was going to be.
426
00:35:28,236 --> 00:35:34,236
I thought it would be a comedic
gully. I did. It's 100 times wider.
427
00:35:36,236 --> 00:35:42,235
We were going to need a 60m bridge
so James went off to make plans
428
00:35:42,236 --> 00:35:47,235
and Hammond and I decided to measure
the depth of the water.
429
00:35:47,236 --> 00:35:50,236
Well, when I say Hammond and I...
430
00:35:52,236 --> 00:35:54,235
I'm approaching plumb depth.
431
00:35:54,236 --> 00:35:58,236
Ah! Broach the plumb... Oh! Ah!
432
00:36:00,236 --> 00:36:02,235
It's ever so cold.
433
00:36:02,236 --> 00:36:03,235
I hate my job!
434
00:36:03,236 --> 00:36:06,235
In Bridge On The River Kwai
did Alec Guinness go,
435
00:36:06,236 --> 00:36:08,235
"Oh, it's ever so cold!"
436
00:36:08,236 --> 00:36:12,236
I bet he did in reality.
Oh! I bet he did in reality.
437
00:36:13,236 --> 00:36:18,235
Oh! Sadly, at this point my colleague
was carried away by the current.
438
00:36:18,236 --> 00:36:20,235
Swim, man!
439
00:36:20,236 --> 00:36:21,235
I am!
440
00:36:21,236 --> 00:36:24,235
You're the weakest swimmer
in the world.
441
00:36:24,236 --> 00:36:28,235
And since he was providing
no useful feedback,
442
00:36:28,236 --> 00:36:31,235
I went to check on James's plans.
443
00:36:31,236 --> 00:36:33,235
This is what I was thinking.
444
00:36:33,236 --> 00:36:36,235
The bank goes down at each
side obviously,
445
00:36:36,236 --> 00:36:39,235
we build up the approach area
with these baskets of stones,
446
00:36:39,236 --> 00:36:43,235
make vertical piles out of bamboo
like this, these longerons
447
00:36:43,236 --> 00:36:47,235
I'm calling them, they are bamboo
lashed together,
448
00:36:47,236 --> 00:36:48,235
these will go this way...
449
00:36:48,236 --> 00:36:51,235
Two tracks for the wheels,
the rest is immaterial
450
00:36:51,236 --> 00:36:54,235
and then a superstructure like this
451
00:36:54,236 --> 00:36:55,235
all adding strength.
452
00:36:55,236 --> 00:37:00,235
You know the sort of thing so
that it looks a bit like the film.
453
00:37:00,236 --> 00:37:03,235
Basically we need to start
with rocks
454
00:37:03,236 --> 00:37:05,235
and some wire mesh to make boxes
to put them in.
455
00:37:05,236 --> 00:37:07,235
Where are we getting rocks from?
456
00:37:07,236 --> 00:37:10,236
That's your job
because you have the tipper lorry.
457
00:37:11,236 --> 00:37:14,235
I set about making
the wire mesh baskets,
458
00:37:14,236 --> 00:37:18,236
freed up the space in Jeremy's
cargo bay...
459
00:37:20,236 --> 00:37:22,235
May, you imbecile!
460
00:37:22,236 --> 00:37:24,235
And when Hammond finally returned,
461
00:37:24,236 --> 00:37:28,236
I sent them both off to a nearby
quarry to get the rocks.
462
00:37:30,236 --> 00:37:34,235
You've put them in the front
of this one.
463
00:37:34,236 --> 00:37:36,235
Yeah, stick them in the front.
464
00:37:36,236 --> 00:37:39,236
Let's have these ones here.
465
00:37:40,236 --> 00:37:44,235
Jeremy...
Are you going to do anything?
466
00:37:44,236 --> 00:37:49,236
What can I do? Load the trucks.
He's loading them!
467
00:37:51,236 --> 00:37:55,235
With the trucks loaded,
Jeremy finally got off his backside
468
00:37:55,236 --> 00:37:58,235
and immediately started to shout
at me.
469
00:37:58,236 --> 00:38:01,235
Hammond! You idiot.
470
00:38:01,236 --> 00:38:03,235
What?
471
00:38:03,236 --> 00:38:07,236
You put about 400 tonnes of rocks
and it is stuck.
472
00:38:08,236 --> 00:38:13,235
I woke you to say are you going to
help with the loading?
473
00:38:13,236 --> 00:38:16,235
Your words were,
"There's nothing to do!"
474
00:38:16,236 --> 00:38:19,235
That's exactly the kind of issue
you should have been awake for.
475
00:38:19,236 --> 00:38:22,235
How do I know what your load is?
I don't know.
476
00:38:22,236 --> 00:38:25,236
The only solution was to tip
some of the rocks out.
477
00:38:28,236 --> 00:38:31,235
Oh, no, no, no!
478
00:38:31,236 --> 00:38:35,236
Oh, my. That's a remarkable accident.
Look...
479
00:38:37,236 --> 00:38:39,235
Oh, jeez, no.
480
00:38:39,236 --> 00:38:45,236
Your windscreen has come out.
481
00:38:47,236 --> 00:38:49,236
The breeze will be nice!
482
00:38:51,236 --> 00:38:56,236
Predictably, when we got back, James
was overflowing with sympathy.
483
00:39:04,236 --> 00:39:08,236
Did you head-butt it? But look...
484
00:39:13,236 --> 00:39:16,236
Richard and James began to load
their basket by hand.
485
00:39:17,236 --> 00:39:19,235
Oh, that's a big rock.
486
00:39:19,236 --> 00:39:23,236
But I'm allergic to manual labour
so I used horsepower instead.
487
00:39:28,236 --> 00:39:31,236
And then I went into town
to buy supper.
488
00:39:33,236 --> 00:39:35,236
Is this a marrow?
489
00:39:39,236 --> 00:39:42,235
A...? Name...
490
00:39:42,236 --> 00:39:46,236
This is... Crikey, is it?
I thought it was a marrow.
491
00:39:48,236 --> 00:39:52,235
That's something you learn. In
Thailand, the word for... Yes, that.
492
00:39:52,236 --> 00:39:54,236
That's the word for marrow.
493
00:39:56,236 --> 00:40:00,236
When I returned, I brought with me
a gang of local labourers.
494
00:40:01,236 --> 00:40:02,235
What are you doing?
495
00:40:02,236 --> 00:40:06,235
There's no way we're going to be
able to build this bridge
by ourselves, let's be reasonable.
496
00:40:06,236 --> 00:40:08,235
He's right, Hammond.
497
00:40:08,236 --> 00:40:12,235
You and I are not going to be able
to build this bridge by ourselves.
498
00:40:12,236 --> 00:40:15,235
I know.
Hello, officers won't work.
499
00:40:15,236 --> 00:40:18,235
Alec Guinness made that very
plain in Bridge On The River Kwai
500
00:40:18,236 --> 00:40:20,235
in the film.
501
00:40:20,236 --> 00:40:23,235
That was the whole premise of the
story is that officers won't work.
502
00:40:23,236 --> 00:40:29,235
You're an officer?
Of course I'm an officer.
503
00:40:29,236 --> 00:40:33,236
Because you've got a stick.
That stick may disappear quite soon.
504
00:40:36,236 --> 00:40:41,236
With the local chaps helping, James
and I started to make good progress.
505
00:41:01,236 --> 00:41:02,235
As we toiled away,
506
00:41:02,236 --> 00:41:08,236
the self-appointed officer seemed to
be setting up a children's tea party.
507
00:41:11,236 --> 00:41:13,235
What are you doing now?
508
00:41:13,236 --> 00:41:19,235
Well, it's a trick I learnt from
the British in Burma in the 19th century,
509
00:41:19,236 --> 00:41:24,235
they would employ some local young
chap, cover him in jam,
510
00:41:24,236 --> 00:41:27,235
he would follow them around all day
and he'd attract the insects.
511
00:41:27,236 --> 00:41:29,235
They called him a jam boy.
512
00:41:29,236 --> 00:41:32,235
This is my jam bear.
It doesn't seem very fair.
513
00:41:32,236 --> 00:41:37,236
It was, it was because at the end
of the day he got to keep the jam.
514
00:41:42,236 --> 00:41:48,235
At the end of our long difficult
day, I produced my delicious supper.
515
00:41:48,236 --> 00:41:51,235
It smells very good, Clarkson,
what is it?
516
00:41:51,236 --> 00:41:55,235
Mm, I'll whisper it to you because I
can't say it in front of the viewers.
517
00:41:55,236 --> 00:41:59,235
What? She just looked at me
and went...
518
00:41:59,236 --> 00:42:03,235
What did you say? Steady on!
519
00:42:03,236 --> 00:42:06,235
I'd even prepared a treat
for Hammond.
520
00:42:06,236 --> 00:42:09,236
For afters I've got you something
very special indeed. What?
521
00:42:10,534 --> 00:42:15,235
I know you're partial to
a bit of Black Cock. Oh, yes.
522
00:42:15,236 --> 00:42:18,235
And so I've managed to find...
523
00:42:18,236 --> 00:42:20,235
Oh, you hero.
524
00:42:20,236 --> 00:42:24,235
Oh, well done. Black Cock.
Stiff one? Yes, please.
525
00:42:24,236 --> 00:42:28,235
Get that down your neck.
Cheers.
526
00:42:28,236 --> 00:42:30,235
Bottoms up.
527
00:42:30,236 --> 00:42:34,235
I'll tell you what, I'm going
to sleep tonight. Absolutely.
528
00:42:34,236 --> 00:42:35,236
I am worn out.
529
00:42:39,236 --> 00:42:43,235
The next morning, the dawn light
reveals just how little
530
00:42:43,236 --> 00:42:44,236
we had achieved.
531
00:42:46,236 --> 00:42:51,236
So, before the morning mist had
cleared, everyone was hard at work.
532
00:42:52,236 --> 00:42:54,236
Well, when I say everyone...
533
00:43:16,236 --> 00:43:22,236
Morning, May. Good morning. Are you
actually going to do any work today?
534
00:43:23,236 --> 00:43:28,235
I have explained this to you
until I'm blue in the face.
535
00:43:28,236 --> 00:43:31,236
Officers won't work.
536
00:43:39,236 --> 00:43:40,236
Guys!
537
00:43:42,236 --> 00:43:44,235
May?
538
00:43:44,236 --> 00:43:46,236
Can you hear something?
539
00:43:47,236 --> 00:43:49,235
I need a poo!
540
00:43:49,236 --> 00:43:54,236
Guys, I've had a thought.
It turns out officers will work.
541
00:43:56,236 --> 00:44:01,235
After they released me...
Right, work. Remains available.
542
00:44:01,236 --> 00:44:06,235
I immediately decided we needed more
labour-saving machinery so I rented
543
00:44:06,236 --> 00:44:11,236
a digger for Hammond and I went for
something that would humiliate May.
544
00:44:21,236 --> 00:44:26,236
James has totally wasted his time
bringing that crane here.
545
00:44:29,236 --> 00:44:31,236
Go on, son!
546
00:44:32,236 --> 00:44:34,236
Oh, no!
547
00:44:42,236 --> 00:44:44,236
BLEEP! BLEEP!
548
00:44:46,236 --> 00:44:50,235
What was that? It fell over, James.
What have you done?
549
00:44:50,236 --> 00:44:53,235
Hold on a minute! Did you see
where the end of your jib landed?
550
00:44:53,236 --> 00:44:56,235
I had only walked back
to see where the pile was.
551
00:44:56,236 --> 00:45:00,235
If I'd still been standing there,
it would have taken my head off!
It fell over! It almost killed me!
552
00:45:00,236 --> 00:45:03,235
What do you mean, "It fell over"?
They don't fall over, crane lorries!
553
00:45:03,236 --> 00:45:05,235
They don't fall
over on the motorway!
554
00:45:05,236 --> 00:45:07,235
What do you mean,
it doesn't fall over?
555
00:45:07,236 --> 00:45:10,235
You knocked it over!
Your crane is too small,
556
00:45:10,236 --> 00:45:13,235
so, I've got a bigger one
to reach further into the river.
557
00:45:13,236 --> 00:45:16,236
Right. My crane is too small.
That's punishable by death, is it?
558
00:45:17,236 --> 00:45:22,235
After James had calmed down a bit,
we decided to solve the problem
559
00:45:22,236 --> 00:45:27,235
by using the combined power of
Richard's digger and the A-May Van.
560
00:45:27,236 --> 00:45:31,235
In three, two, one...
561
00:45:31,236 --> 00:45:33,236
Lift away!
562
00:45:47,236 --> 00:45:49,235
Oh!
563
00:45:49,236 --> 00:45:50,235
Yeah!
564
00:45:50,236 --> 00:45:55,236
But, with stronger cables, we soon
had my crane the right way up.
565
00:45:57,236 --> 00:45:59,236
Excellent. And back to work.
566
00:46:12,236 --> 00:46:14,236
Just use this as
an enormous hammer so...
567
00:46:22,236 --> 00:46:24,236
Just delicacy, this.
568
00:46:25,236 --> 00:46:27,235
Oi!
569
00:46:27,236 --> 00:46:30,235
That little insect that he's dragged
all the way here
570
00:46:30,236 --> 00:46:32,236
is simply getting in our way.
571
00:46:35,236 --> 00:46:36,236
Oh, well done, Hammond.
572
00:46:37,236 --> 00:46:38,236
Hang on.
573
00:46:40,236 --> 00:46:43,236
That's the ticket! Hammond!
Come on, James, out you come.
574
00:46:46,236 --> 00:46:48,235
Spiky things!
575
00:46:48,236 --> 00:46:51,235
Even though we were now
working as a team, and the bridge
576
00:46:51,236 --> 00:46:56,236
was starting to take shape, we were
still way behind James' schedule.
577
00:46:58,236 --> 00:47:02,235
This side, the blue pegs, represents
how far we should have got by now.
578
00:47:02,236 --> 00:47:05,235
The red pegs show how far
we actually have got.
579
00:47:05,236 --> 00:47:06,235
Obviously not far enough.
580
00:47:06,236 --> 00:47:08,236
It's worse than I thought.
581
00:47:10,236 --> 00:47:13,235
So, the three of us worked
on into the night.
582
00:47:13,236 --> 00:47:15,235
This long? This is long.
583
00:47:15,236 --> 00:47:17,235
That's to go to Hammond.
584
00:47:17,236 --> 00:47:20,235
Whoa, stop there. A bit further.
I've got it, I've got it.
585
00:47:20,236 --> 00:47:24,236
And even though we went to bed
exhausted...
586
00:47:25,236 --> 00:47:29,236
..Sleep for Jeremy and I was
impossible.
587
00:47:43,236 --> 00:47:45,236
Clarkson!
588
00:47:46,236 --> 00:47:47,236
Funny!
589
00:47:49,236 --> 00:47:50,236
You funny man!
590
00:47:51,236 --> 00:47:55,235
We were even funnier
getting him back in.
591
00:47:55,236 --> 00:47:58,235
I think it's the red one.
Is it the red one? I don't know.
592
00:47:58,236 --> 00:48:01,235
Right, so, hang on,
I've got one with, like, a circle.
593
00:48:01,236 --> 00:48:02,235
This one looks like an alien.
594
00:48:02,236 --> 00:48:04,236
That bottom one swivels. Jeez...
595
00:48:06,236 --> 00:48:08,235
No, the bottom one!
596
00:48:08,236 --> 00:48:09,236
Waargh!
597
00:48:12,236 --> 00:48:14,236
James, you're falling out your tent!
598
00:48:15,236 --> 00:48:17,235
He's fallen in!
599
00:48:17,236 --> 00:48:18,235
Help!
600
00:48:18,236 --> 00:48:21,236
That's an alarm clock, isn't it?!
Oh, sorry, James!
601
00:48:23,236 --> 00:48:26,235
The bottom of this river's
made out of turds. I know.
602
00:48:26,236 --> 00:48:28,236
Yeah.
Try not to drink more than a pint.
603
00:48:30,236 --> 00:48:33,235
As I was carried away
by the current, I noticed
604
00:48:33,236 --> 00:48:37,235
that the end of the bridge was
now beyond the reach of our cranes.
605
00:48:37,236 --> 00:48:40,236
So when I returned,
we built a home-made piledriver.
606
00:48:44,236 --> 00:48:47,235
Mounted it to a home-made barge...
607
00:48:47,236 --> 00:48:49,236
And kept right on going.
608
00:48:55,236 --> 00:48:57,236
Oh, no!
609
00:48:59,236 --> 00:49:00,236
BLEEP!
610
00:49:02,236 --> 00:49:04,235
Get it, stop it, stop it! James!
611
00:49:04,236 --> 00:49:06,235
I can't stop it!
612
00:49:06,236 --> 00:49:09,235
Get it, get it.
613
00:49:09,236 --> 00:49:10,235
Our bridge! Our bridge!
614
00:49:10,236 --> 00:49:11,236
Whoa!
615
00:49:13,236 --> 00:49:17,235
Quickly, go! Let's get it.
616
00:49:17,236 --> 00:49:18,235
Took hours!
617
00:49:18,236 --> 00:49:21,235
I've got it!
618
00:49:21,236 --> 00:49:22,236
Hold on!
619
00:49:24,236 --> 00:49:28,235
Oh, no! No! No!
620
00:49:28,236 --> 00:49:31,235
That was a deep bit!
I'm drowning in BLEEP!
621
00:49:31,236 --> 00:49:32,236
Oh, no!
622
00:49:34,236 --> 00:49:37,236
Man overboard!
623
00:49:38,236 --> 00:49:40,235
How the hell are we
ever going to...?
624
00:49:40,236 --> 00:49:42,235
This is worse!
625
00:49:42,236 --> 00:49:45,236
Abandon bridge! I'm getting back...
BLEEP!
626
00:49:46,236 --> 00:49:47,236
BLEEP!
627
00:49:50,236 --> 00:49:53,236
Once we were back ashore, we
gathered for an emergency meeting.
628
00:49:56,236 --> 00:49:59,235
I presume it was one of these
that gave way.
629
00:49:59,236 --> 00:50:02,235
The piling. But why did it?
630
00:50:02,236 --> 00:50:03,235
Come on.
631
00:50:03,236 --> 00:50:07,235
Would it help focus our minds
more on the problem
632
00:50:07,236 --> 00:50:10,235
if we had a shot of Hong Thong?
633
00:50:10,236 --> 00:50:13,235
Yes. Or we could have a Red Cock.
634
00:50:13,236 --> 00:50:15,235
We haven't had that.
635
00:50:15,236 --> 00:50:16,235
You got any white spirit?
636
00:50:16,236 --> 00:50:18,235
Yes, I have.
637
00:50:18,236 --> 00:50:21,235
I just don't get it.
638
00:50:21,236 --> 00:50:24,236
If one of the piers was wrong,
that would do it.
639
00:50:27,236 --> 00:50:33,235
If we used... What if we used more of
those whatever you call them,
640
00:50:33,236 --> 00:50:35,236
those bags of...
641
00:50:38,236 --> 00:50:43,235
I'm not helping him cough. What if
we use more of those bags of stones
642
00:50:43,236 --> 00:50:48,235
to protect the bamboo
pillars from the current?
643
00:50:48,236 --> 00:50:52,235
That White Spirit, by the way,
actually IS white spirit!
644
00:50:52,236 --> 00:50:54,236
You're kidding?! What?
It's for cleaning brushes.
645
00:50:59,236 --> 00:51:02,235
'We carried on with the build
and as the long, hot days passed,
646
00:51:02,236 --> 00:51:06,235
'the bridge inched closer to the
opposite bank.'
647
00:51:06,236 --> 00:51:09,236
There you go.
648
00:51:13,236 --> 00:51:15,236
Oh! He's gone through the ramp.
649
00:51:17,236 --> 00:51:19,235
Who here would like
an ice cold beer?
650
00:51:19,236 --> 00:51:23,236
Oh, yes, please.
651
00:51:30,236 --> 00:51:33,235
'But, as we passed the two
thirds point,
652
00:51:33,236 --> 00:51:37,236
'I was forced to call another
emergency meeting.'
653
00:51:39,236 --> 00:51:41,235
What's the matter?
654
00:51:41,236 --> 00:51:44,235
Well, you know, we thought
we were building a bridge over
655
00:51:44,236 --> 00:51:46,235
the River Kwai, which is noble?
656
00:51:46,236 --> 00:51:48,235
We are. We're not.
657
00:51:48,236 --> 00:51:50,236
The name of THAT river...
658
00:51:56,236 --> 00:51:57,236
The Kok?
659
00:51:58,236 --> 00:52:02,236
Top Gear is building a bridge
over the River Kok.
660
00:52:06,236 --> 00:52:08,235
It's actually memorable.
661
00:52:08,236 --> 00:52:12,235
It is, you wouldn't order the wrong
film from an Internet website.
662
00:52:12,236 --> 00:52:14,235
You'd be very careful if you
were. How is BBC presentation...
663
00:52:14,236 --> 00:52:17,235
You know the woman at the beginning
of every programme.
664
00:52:17,236 --> 00:52:20,235
"And tonight, Jeremy, James
and Richard build a bridge
665
00:52:20,236 --> 00:52:21,236
"over the River Kok"...
666
00:52:23,236 --> 00:52:25,236
Well, we're not moving it!
667
00:52:28,236 --> 00:52:31,235
'At this point we had been
at the site
668
00:52:31,236 --> 00:52:33,235
'for what seemed like an eternity
669
00:52:33,236 --> 00:52:35,235
'and we were desperate to get home
670
00:52:35,236 --> 00:52:38,235
'so we were working
round the clock.'
671
00:52:38,236 --> 00:52:40,235
Got it? Yeah. That's a heavy...
672
00:52:40,236 --> 00:52:42,236
That's a bit denser, that one.
673
00:52:45,236 --> 00:52:46,235
I hate bamboo.
674
00:52:46,236 --> 00:52:47,235
I hate bamboo.
675
00:52:47,236 --> 00:52:49,236
So much.
676
00:52:59,236 --> 00:53:00,235
You know,
677
00:53:00,236 --> 00:53:03,235
after that drive through Burma,
678
00:53:03,236 --> 00:53:05,235
I was left with
679
00:53:05,236 --> 00:53:09,235
an enormous amount of respect
for long-distance lorry drivers.
680
00:53:09,236 --> 00:53:10,235
But...
681
00:53:10,236 --> 00:53:12,235
Here, now,
682
00:53:12,236 --> 00:53:15,235
I have even more respect for those
prisoners of war...
683
00:53:15,236 --> 00:53:17,235
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
684
00:53:17,236 --> 00:53:20,235
I mean, let's be honest,
shall we,
685
00:53:20,236 --> 00:53:22,235
we are eat eating here at night.
Yeah.
686
00:53:22,236 --> 00:53:26,235
We haven't got dysentery
and we haven't got cholera. No.
687
00:53:26,236 --> 00:53:29,235
And we're not been beaten, daily.
No, no.
688
00:53:29,236 --> 00:53:32,235
This is difficult, hard, hot work...
689
00:53:32,236 --> 00:53:36,235
But nothing... No... at all...
690
00:53:36,236 --> 00:53:39,235
You know that metal box. Yeah.
691
00:53:39,236 --> 00:53:43,235
There was a guy called
Captain Drauer
692
00:53:43,236 --> 00:53:47,235
who broke the camp commandant's
table.
693
00:53:47,236 --> 00:53:50,235
He was sentenced to life underground
and they buried him
694
00:53:50,236 --> 00:53:53,235
in one of those metal boxes with
a metal roof exposed to the sun
695
00:53:53,236 --> 00:53:57,235
and he was in there for 76 days.
Oh, God.
696
00:53:57,236 --> 00:54:01,235
He had a broken arm when they put
him in and when they got him out
697
00:54:01,236 --> 00:54:03,236
the rats had eaten most of one
of his feet.
698
00:54:05,236 --> 00:54:07,236
It just beggars belief.
699
00:54:25,236 --> 00:54:28,235
'As the sun rose on the 15th day,
700
00:54:28,236 --> 00:54:32,235
'after the hardest work any of us
had ever done,
701
00:54:32,236 --> 00:54:34,236
'the bridge was finished.'
702
00:54:45,236 --> 00:54:47,235
That is a proud moment.
703
00:54:47,236 --> 00:54:49,235
But...
704
00:54:49,236 --> 00:54:51,236
There's a slope on it.
705
00:54:53,236 --> 00:54:55,236
You're right.
It's definitely higher on that side.
706
00:54:59,236 --> 00:55:01,235
'We decided to ignore the slope
707
00:55:01,236 --> 00:55:04,235
'and move straight to the
opening ceremony.'
708
00:55:04,236 --> 00:55:07,235
In three, two, one...
709
00:55:07,236 --> 00:55:08,236
I declare...
710
00:55:09,236 --> 00:55:11,236
..the bridge open.
711
00:55:13,236 --> 00:55:15,235
What a moment.
712
00:55:15,236 --> 00:55:17,235
And James May,
you shall cross it first.
713
00:55:17,236 --> 00:55:19,235
Why am I crossing it first?
714
00:55:19,236 --> 00:55:22,235
Because I just said, "James May,
you shall cross it first".
715
00:55:22,236 --> 00:55:25,236
He did, he said that. I did, didn't I?
You did, you said that. Definitely.
716
00:55:30,236 --> 00:55:32,235
Right...
717
00:55:32,236 --> 00:55:34,235
Lucky elephant, lucky owl,
718
00:55:34,236 --> 00:55:36,236
Buddha, here we go.
719
00:55:50,236 --> 00:55:52,236
Oh, yeah.
720
00:55:53,236 --> 00:55:56,236
I on the bridge over the River Kok.
721
00:56:06,236 --> 00:56:09,235
This is genuinely the most nerve
wracking thing I've ever done.
722
00:56:09,236 --> 00:56:13,235
James, you are perilously...
Does he realise?
723
00:56:13,236 --> 00:56:15,235
He's a long way over to the right.
724
00:56:15,236 --> 00:56:17,235
Just keep calm,
725
00:56:17,236 --> 00:56:19,235
keep calm.
726
00:56:19,236 --> 00:56:22,236
Oh, my God! It's squirreling.
727
00:56:25,236 --> 00:56:27,236
Oh! They're bending.
728
00:56:29,236 --> 00:56:30,578
I'm more than halfway across.
729
00:56:35,236 --> 00:56:37,236
BLEEP
730
00:56:39,236 --> 00:56:41,235
All I've got to do is get down here.
731
00:56:41,236 --> 00:56:44,235
I just got to get down here.
732
00:56:44,236 --> 00:56:46,235
I've almost done it.
733
00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:48,236
Please...
734
00:56:54,236 --> 00:56:56,236
I'm over the River Kok
on our own bridge!
735
00:56:59,236 --> 00:57:01,235
Yee-ha!
736
00:57:01,236 --> 00:57:02,236
Come on!
737
00:57:04,236 --> 00:57:05,235
Can you go next?
738
00:57:05,236 --> 00:57:08,235
Yes, I will go next. Yes?
739
00:57:08,236 --> 00:57:11,236
Yes, because your lorry is a lot heavier
than my lorry and will weaken it.
740
00:57:13,236 --> 00:57:14,236
I didn't think of that.
741
00:57:20,236 --> 00:57:23,235
I have a policy here,
speed and power.
742
00:57:23,236 --> 00:57:26,235
Because, in my mind,
743
00:57:26,236 --> 00:57:27,236
speed makes you lighter.
744
00:57:30,236 --> 00:57:31,634
I'm approaching the bridge now.
745
00:57:33,236 --> 00:57:35,235
Here we go.
746
00:57:35,236 --> 00:57:40,235
Taking your first ever gear change
on the bridge over the River Kok
747
00:57:40,236 --> 00:57:41,236
and I bolst it up!
748
00:57:43,236 --> 00:57:46,236
Getting to close to the middle.
749
00:57:50,236 --> 00:57:52,236
Oh, the splintering noises.
750
00:57:55,236 --> 00:57:57,236
I'm weakening it for Hammond!
751
00:57:59,236 --> 00:58:02,236
Yes! Come on sports lorry!
752
00:58:04,236 --> 00:58:06,235
Yes!
753
00:58:06,236 --> 00:58:09,235
My sports lorry has broken its door
754
00:58:09,236 --> 00:58:14,235
but it is across and is bouncing to
celebrate the moment.
755
00:58:14,236 --> 00:58:17,236
Yes!
756
00:58:18,236 --> 00:58:23,236
'Now it was the turn of the heaviest
lorry of the lot.'
757
00:58:26,236 --> 00:58:28,236
Oh, dear God.
758
00:58:32,236 --> 00:58:34,235
This is a bridge that we built.
759
00:58:34,236 --> 00:58:38,235
I mean, obviously, I want him to
fall into the Kok.
760
00:58:38,236 --> 00:58:39,235
Yes...
761
00:58:39,236 --> 00:58:42,235
But, if he does, we can't go home.
762
00:58:42,236 --> 00:58:45,236
The challenge said all three
lorries doing it. I know.
763
00:58:46,236 --> 00:58:51,235
This struck is supposed
to weigh 7.5 tonnes.
764
00:58:51,236 --> 00:58:54,235
I don't know if that takes
into consideration
765
00:58:54,236 --> 00:58:56,235
all the extra bits on top!
766
00:58:56,236 --> 00:58:57,235
Oh, my God!
767
00:58:57,236 --> 00:58:59,236
Oh, oh!
768
00:59:03,236 --> 00:59:05,235
Oh!
769
00:59:05,236 --> 00:59:07,235
Oh, I can hear it crushing.
770
00:59:07,236 --> 00:59:09,236
I can feel it moving.
771
00:59:10,236 --> 00:59:12,235
Oh, no, what's happened?
772
00:59:12,236 --> 00:59:16,235
Oh, no!
773
00:59:16,236 --> 00:59:18,235
What have I done?
774
00:59:18,236 --> 00:59:21,235
It's going at this end, as well.
775
00:59:21,236 --> 00:59:24,235
It's losing structure!
776
00:59:24,236 --> 00:59:26,235
Oh!
777
00:59:26,236 --> 00:59:28,235
It's breaking apart!
778
00:59:28,236 --> 00:59:30,235
Oh!
779
00:59:30,236 --> 00:59:31,463
Don't rush to the end, Rich.
780
00:59:31,464 --> 00:59:33,235
Just go in your own...
781
00:59:33,236 --> 00:59:37,235
Oh!
782
00:59:37,236 --> 00:59:38,236
Just tiptoe.
783
00:59:40,236 --> 00:59:42,235
Just tread lightly.
784
00:59:42,236 --> 00:59:44,235
Just tiptoe your way across.
785
00:59:44,236 --> 00:59:47,235
That's it. That's it.
786
00:59:47,236 --> 00:59:48,235
Light thoughts.
787
00:59:48,236 --> 00:59:50,236
This way, this way.
788
00:59:56,236 --> 00:59:58,235
This way a bit. This way a bit.
789
00:59:58,236 --> 01:00:00,235
This way a bit.
790
01:00:00,236 --> 01:00:02,235
This way, this way,
you're going to fall off.
791
01:00:02,236 --> 01:00:04,236
You're going to fall in!
792
01:00:09,236 --> 01:00:10,236
Yeah!
793
01:00:12,236 --> 01:00:14,235
Wo-ha-ha!
794
01:00:14,236 --> 01:00:16,235
Yes!
795
01:00:16,236 --> 01:00:18,235
Richard Hammond!
796
01:00:18,236 --> 01:00:20,235
I've never been
glad to see you alive before
797
01:00:20,236 --> 01:00:21,235
but I am now.
798
01:00:21,236 --> 01:00:23,235
You were so close.
799
01:00:23,236 --> 01:00:26,235
We did it. We did it.
800
01:00:26,236 --> 01:00:28,235
Ow! Sorry.
801
01:00:28,236 --> 01:00:29,236
Mate...
802
01:00:31,236 --> 01:00:35,235
Do you know how close you were to
falling into the middle at the end?
803
01:00:35,236 --> 01:00:37,235
Half a tyre.
804
01:00:37,236 --> 01:00:39,235
Half a tyre over the edge.
805
01:00:39,236 --> 01:00:41,235
The fact is, though...
806
01:00:41,236 --> 01:00:43,235
All three of us have done it.
807
01:00:43,236 --> 01:00:46,235
With our trucks, over the river.
808
01:00:46,236 --> 01:00:47,235
Here we are.
809
01:00:47,236 --> 01:00:50,235
1,200 miles, built a bridge... Yeah.
810
01:00:50,236 --> 01:00:52,235
..drove all three lorries across it.
Yeah.
811
01:00:52,260 --> 01:01:42,357
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