1 00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:06,298 'Our adventure began in the old Burmese capital Rangoon, 2 00:00:06,299 --> 00:00:09,298 'where, having bought three ancient lorries...' 3 00:00:09,299 --> 00:00:12,099 Hammond, this seat is a church pew. 4 00:00:12,129 --> 00:00:15,128 '..We were told we had to build a bridge over the River Kwai that was 5 00:00:15,129 --> 00:00:17,128 'strong enough to support them.' 6 00:00:17,129 --> 00:00:20,127 How big a bridge are we going to have to build to support my truck? 7 00:00:20,128 --> 00:00:22,128 How much does yours weigh? About 1,000 tonnes. 8 00:00:22,129 --> 00:00:27,127 'Getting to the river in Thailand meant a 1,200 mile journey 9 00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:30,126 'across Burma on roads that were dangerous...' 10 00:00:30,127 --> 00:00:33,126 Whoa. 11 00:00:33,127 --> 00:00:35,126 '..Mountainous...' 12 00:00:35,127 --> 00:00:37,127 Ahhhhh! 13 00:00:37,373 --> 00:00:39,371 '..And often not roads at all.' 14 00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:42,370 Watch the wheel spin. Sliding badly. 15 00:00:42,371 --> 00:00:47,370 'Since the producers insisted we stay in Burmese truck stops...' 16 00:00:47,371 --> 00:00:49,372 Oh, it's not so bad. 17 00:00:51,371 --> 00:00:54,369 '..We turned our lorries into houses.' 18 00:00:54,370 --> 00:00:57,370 Not all of my improvements have turned out to be improvements. 19 00:01:01,371 --> 00:01:04,369 'Way out in the middle of nowhere, we ran out of fuel, 20 00:01:04,370 --> 00:01:06,369 'and whilst looking for diesel...' 21 00:01:06,370 --> 00:01:09,368 Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. 22 00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:12,368 '..Hammond was thrown by a stallion and injured his arm.' 23 00:01:12,369 --> 00:01:14,369 Ah, BLEEP. 24 00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:19,506 'Worse still, James's snoring forced us to take drastic action.' 25 00:01:19,507 --> 00:01:21,506 Clarkson! 26 00:01:21,507 --> 00:01:23,507 'And everywhere we went, 27 00:01:23,508 --> 00:01:27,507 'Hammond's vertical exhausts were causing chaos.' 28 00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,506 I've lost my other stack. 29 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:34,506 As you know, we're not the US Marines, we leave a man behind. 30 00:02:04,504 --> 00:02:06,504 Sorry. 31 00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:10,503 It's OK. Nothing to see. 32 00:02:14,503 --> 00:02:15,503 Ow. 33 00:02:17,503 --> 00:02:21,501 'Far ahead of Hammond's disintegrating lorry, 34 00:02:21,502 --> 00:02:25,501 'James and I were about to enter a secretive region of Burma known as 35 00:02:25,502 --> 00:02:27,501 'the Shan state. 36 00:02:27,502 --> 00:02:30,501 'A civil war has raged here for 60 years. 37 00:02:30,502 --> 00:02:36,501 'No television crew has ever been allowed in. We would be the first.' 38 00:02:38,501 --> 00:02:41,500 There is a very good reason why it's so secretive in there. 39 00:02:41,501 --> 00:02:44,500 You see, the travel companies would have you believe that 40 00:02:44,501 --> 00:02:48,499 the Golden Triangle is, well, it's a tourist attraction, 41 00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:51,500 at the point where Thailand, Burma and Laos all meet. 42 00:02:53,500 --> 00:02:57,499 But the golden triangle with the - how can I put this - 43 00:02:57,500 --> 00:03:02,499 the special agriculture - that is in the Shan. 44 00:03:04,499 --> 00:03:08,498 Apparently, some of the special agriculture is known as horse, 45 00:03:08,499 --> 00:03:13,497 they're obviously growing horses somehow. I shall look for those. 46 00:03:13,498 --> 00:03:16,498 Fields of horses growing in them. 47 00:03:21,498 --> 00:03:24,496 Here we go. Warm and cordial welcome, this is it. This is it. 48 00:03:24,497 --> 00:03:26,498 We are entering the Shan. 49 00:03:29,497 --> 00:03:32,497 We genuinely are representing the Western world. 50 00:03:34,496 --> 00:03:36,496 Good job I'm wearing a tie. 51 00:03:38,497 --> 00:03:40,495 'Unfortunately, as the roads started to climb, 52 00:03:40,496 --> 00:03:44,496 'James and I rather forgot the significance of where we were.' 53 00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:50,496 Go! Come on, lorry. 54 00:03:55,495 --> 00:04:00,493 'Welcome, then, to the inaugural Shan state lorry hill climb. 55 00:04:00,494 --> 00:04:02,494 'A sport where a single botched gear change 56 00:04:02,495 --> 00:04:04,493 'can make all the difference.' 57 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:06,494 Attempt to squeeze in. 58 00:04:07,494 --> 00:04:08,494 It's coming. 59 00:04:12,493 --> 00:04:16,493 No, no, no! I'm trapped by the pick-up. 60 00:04:17,493 --> 00:04:19,493 Eat my dirt. 61 00:04:26,493 --> 00:04:28,492 Got the inside line. 62 00:04:35,492 --> 00:04:37,491 This is the best race in the world. 63 00:04:38,492 --> 00:04:41,490 I've blocked him, I blocked him. 64 00:04:41,491 --> 00:04:45,491 Shall we call a temporary truce while we go through the town, yeah? 65 00:04:48,491 --> 00:04:50,490 When we get back, if we're interviewed by MI6 66 00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,489 and they say, "What was it like in the Shan?" 67 00:04:53,490 --> 00:04:56,489 We'll have to go, "I don't know, we were racing lorries." 68 00:04:56,490 --> 00:05:00,489 I am embarrassed to be the first Westerner in here 69 00:05:00,490 --> 00:05:03,489 and I'm driving a sports lorry with a pink teddy bear on the front. 70 00:05:06,489 --> 00:05:10,487 'To make us look more dignified, I put Rudyard in the cab, 71 00:05:10,488 --> 00:05:14,696 'and then we set off into the unknown.' 72 00:05:18,488 --> 00:05:19,488 God above. 73 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:23,487 I think I've accidentally taken a short cut 74 00:05:23,488 --> 00:05:26,488 into the set of Game Of Thrones. 75 00:05:32,487 --> 00:05:36,486 'Here, in a region that is bigger than England and Wales put together, 76 00:05:36,487 --> 00:05:41,486 'there is just one road, built 150 years ago, by the British. 77 00:05:42,486 --> 00:05:46,484 'But there is no electricity, no mobile phone signal, no TV, 78 00:05:46,485 --> 00:05:48,485 'no hotels, no hospitals. 79 00:05:48,486 --> 00:05:50,485 'And in the skies, no planes.' 80 00:05:56,484 --> 00:05:58,485 That is gigantic. 81 00:06:03,484 --> 00:06:06,483 'Bowled over by it all, James and I pulled over, 82 00:06:06,484 --> 00:06:08,482 'and after Hammond caught up...' 83 00:06:08,483 --> 00:06:12,483 Oh, yes, the 1920s is arriving. 84 00:06:12,484 --> 00:06:16,482 '..We tried to work out why us three had been the first ones 85 00:06:16,483 --> 00:06:18,482 'allowed in here.' 86 00:06:18,483 --> 00:06:19,482 Think about it. 87 00:06:19,483 --> 00:06:24,482 If you were North Korea, and you wanted to portray to your people 88 00:06:24,483 --> 00:06:29,481 how lumpen and useless the West was, you'd invite us three, wouldn't you? 89 00:06:29,482 --> 00:06:31,481 Yeah. 90 00:06:31,482 --> 00:06:33,481 Because we'd wander about and the North Koreans would go, 91 00:06:33,482 --> 00:06:36,481 "Why would we want to be Western? Look at them. They're dreadful." 92 00:06:36,482 --> 00:06:38,480 You've got bird poo on your shoulder. I have. 93 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:41,480 So what the government is essentially saying to these 94 00:06:41,481 --> 00:06:43,480 people is, why would you want to live like they do in the West? 95 00:06:43,481 --> 00:06:46,480 Look at them. There's another thing that we're doing. 96 00:06:46,481 --> 00:06:48,480 This is just an incidental service. 97 00:06:48,481 --> 00:06:51,480 They haven't seen many Westerners here. 98 00:06:51,481 --> 00:06:54,479 We are at least showing... They're not going to end up saying, 99 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,479 "They all look the same to me," are they? With us three. 100 00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:01,478 That's just blatantly racist. 101 00:07:01,479 --> 00:07:05,478 No... Clearly. Yes, you are. You are. 102 00:07:05,479 --> 00:07:07,478 You're assuming that they think we all look the same 103 00:07:07,479 --> 00:07:09,478 because we think they all look the same. 104 00:07:09,479 --> 00:07:11,477 Now you're making a leap, I didn't... 105 00:07:11,478 --> 00:07:14,477 You're completing something that I didn't put in. 106 00:07:14,478 --> 00:07:16,478 Yes, we are, but it's quite good fun. 107 00:07:18,478 --> 00:07:21,478 'Keen to see more of the Shan, we moved on.' 108 00:07:34,477 --> 00:07:41,475 Chaps, check out the driver of this tuk-tuk. What's he done? 109 00:07:41,476 --> 00:07:44,476 I don't know what it was, but he's done a lot of it. 110 00:07:45,476 --> 00:07:48,476 He's off his face. Oh, dear. 111 00:07:49,475 --> 00:07:51,476 Oh, Lord, I see what you mean. 112 00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:58,474 James, do you see any fields where they are growing horses? 113 00:07:58,475 --> 00:08:02,474 No, I haven't seen a single horse plantation yet. 114 00:08:04,474 --> 00:08:08,473 'What we did see, however, was evidence of what is officially 115 00:08:08,474 --> 00:08:11,473 'the world's longest running civil war.' 116 00:08:16,473 --> 00:08:18,473 This is a big army presence, here. 117 00:08:23,472 --> 00:08:28,472 'James, however, seemed to have less important things on his mind.' 118 00:08:29,472 --> 00:08:33,472 Time to try out my water brake cooling system. 119 00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:37,472 I'm ready. A little switch. 120 00:08:41,471 --> 00:08:42,862 I think it works. 121 00:08:54,471 --> 00:08:56,469 Cock. 122 00:08:56,470 --> 00:08:59,469 My steering has just locked up. 123 00:09:01,470 --> 00:09:05,468 I'm not sure that's a good idea, James, is it? Blocking the Army? 124 00:09:05,469 --> 00:09:11,468 'The problem was a big one. The front axle had broken.' 125 00:09:14,468 --> 00:09:18,469 There's only one thing I can think to play at a time like this. 126 00:09:24,468 --> 00:09:29,467 Well, off you go. Goodbye. That's a bad one, isn't it? See you. 127 00:09:46,466 --> 00:09:50,464 Ow! BLEEP. 128 00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:53,464 'As Hammond and I travelled deeper into the Shan, 129 00:09:53,465 --> 00:09:54,466 'the road became worse.' 130 00:09:57,465 --> 00:09:59,465 Argh! 131 00:10:03,465 --> 00:10:07,464 'And the reason why soon became clear.' 132 00:10:11,464 --> 00:10:14,463 That was an actual baby there, building the road. 133 00:10:20,463 --> 00:10:23,463 It's not a good policy, because the road surface is dreadful. 134 00:10:25,463 --> 00:10:28,463 Babies are no good at building roads, look. 135 00:10:34,462 --> 00:10:37,462 'Which were a problem for Hammond's heavy lumber bus.' 136 00:10:41,461 --> 00:10:43,460 God, it's torture. 137 00:10:43,461 --> 00:10:47,461 I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. 138 00:10:52,461 --> 00:10:58,460 Change gear... No. Grind, grind, grind. 139 00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,458 And when we get to the end, 140 00:11:02,459 --> 00:11:06,459 we have to build a bridge over the River Kwai. 141 00:11:10,459 --> 00:11:13,458 'Eventually, we had to rest our weary bones, 142 00:11:13,459 --> 00:11:16,459 'so we pulled over in a remote settlement.' 143 00:11:18,458 --> 00:11:20,457 You know, in a village like this, 144 00:11:20,458 --> 00:11:25,457 it really is possible they don't know the West exists. 145 00:11:25,458 --> 00:11:28,457 They will never have seen faces like ours. No. 146 00:11:28,458 --> 00:11:31,456 I'm amazed they're not more amazed. 147 00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:35,456 I think it's a cultural thing, it would be rude to show it. Yeah. 148 00:11:35,457 --> 00:11:37,456 It's sort of... 149 00:11:37,457 --> 00:11:40,457 Definitely the first white faces they've ever seen. 150 00:11:43,456 --> 00:11:45,455 'Many miles further back, 151 00:11:45,456 --> 00:11:49,455 'I had sorted my axle issue by using a ratchet strap 152 00:11:49,456 --> 00:11:51,455 'to hold it in place.' 153 00:11:53,455 --> 00:11:54,455 I hate my lorry. 154 00:11:56,455 --> 00:12:00,454 What I'm driving here is a massive dog's egg with a crane on the back. 155 00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:03,928 Oh, God, let this day end. 156 00:12:07,454 --> 00:12:11,453 'As the afternoon sun drew low, I was reunited with my colleagues, 157 00:12:11,454 --> 00:12:18,452 'and we decided to make camp in a small town.' 158 00:12:18,453 --> 00:12:21,453 Look at that lot. Communal, open-air natural bathing. 159 00:12:28,453 --> 00:12:30,452 Hello. 160 00:12:33,452 --> 00:12:35,451 We're in the middle of the Shan. 161 00:12:35,452 --> 00:12:38,451 We're supposed to be frightened to death. 162 00:12:38,452 --> 00:12:40,452 It's not frightening though, is it? It's lovely. 163 00:12:42,451 --> 00:12:45,451 'As we set up camp, the locals seemed to be busy as well. 164 00:12:47,451 --> 00:12:49,451 'And Jeremy had found out why.' 165 00:12:52,451 --> 00:13:00,449 Hammond, May. Yes? What? It turns out we've been invited to a party. 166 00:13:00,450 --> 00:13:03,448 Right. Where? Here, in the town. 167 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:07,449 You know there's been a civil war raging? 168 00:13:07,450 --> 00:13:10,448 All of the people who've been fighting are coming together tonight 169 00:13:10,449 --> 00:13:13,448 to welcome us here to the Shan state. 170 00:13:13,449 --> 00:13:16,448 You know the Good Friday Agreement where they got Major, 171 00:13:16,449 --> 00:13:20,447 Gerry Adams and Paisley all in one room and it was amazing? 172 00:13:20,448 --> 00:13:23,447 Well, apparently this is as amazing as that in Burma. 173 00:13:23,448 --> 00:13:27,446 Who do they think we are? I don't know. 174 00:13:27,447 --> 00:13:31,447 Probably Richard Dimbleby, James McNulty and Jeremy Paxman. 175 00:13:31,448 --> 00:13:34,446 They're not familiar with Top Gear, are they? Evidently not. 176 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:37,446 The only thing I'm speculating on is I don't think 177 00:13:37,447 --> 00:13:43,446 we should turn up looking like this. No. I have no formal wear with me. 178 00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:45,446 Naked would be better than that. 179 00:13:48,446 --> 00:13:50,445 'As Hammond wouldn't let us use his shower, 180 00:13:50,446 --> 00:13:52,446 'James and I had to go native.' 181 00:14:00,445 --> 00:14:08,444 Women go there, and men go here. 182 00:14:12,444 --> 00:14:14,444 'As we finished our ablutions... 183 00:14:17,444 --> 00:14:20,443 '..the various factions started to arrive. 184 00:14:22,444 --> 00:14:26,442 'And Jeremy invited us over for pre-dinner cocktails.' 185 00:14:26,443 --> 00:14:31,442 Listen, help yourselves to a drink, because I've had a thought. 186 00:14:31,443 --> 00:14:37,441 It's possible MI6 or the DEA or some intelligence agency will want 187 00:14:37,442 --> 00:14:42,440 to talk to us when we get back about here. Right. 188 00:14:42,441 --> 00:14:46,441 So, manners - polite, British, representatives of the BBC, 189 00:14:46,442 --> 00:14:48,440 but pay attention. 190 00:14:48,441 --> 00:14:52,440 But don't make it obvious that you're finding things out, just be... 191 00:14:52,441 --> 00:14:54,439 'With a final word of warning to Hammond...' 192 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:55,440 Don't get drunk. 193 00:14:55,441 --> 00:14:59,440 I'll just have one before I go. '..we headed off to the party.' 194 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:05,439 From Britain, BBC television. 195 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:09,438 'Where we were offered some local delicacies...' 196 00:15:09,439 --> 00:15:10,439 It's a caterpillar? 197 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,438 That's right, that's right, caterpillar. Caterpillar. 198 00:15:13,439 --> 00:15:15,438 Goodbye, caterpillar. 199 00:15:15,439 --> 00:15:17,438 'As caterpillars weren't to Hammond's taste, 200 00:15:17,439 --> 00:15:20,438 'he went off to find something that was.' 201 00:15:24,438 --> 00:15:31,437 Hello, hello. Hello, yes. I can do that. Yes, I could do that. 202 00:15:31,438 --> 00:15:33,436 This is all right. I'm coming in, I like this. 203 00:15:33,437 --> 00:15:35,436 'As the food kept coming...' 204 00:15:35,437 --> 00:15:38,436 This is a cicada, a cricket. 205 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:41,436 '..I was discovering that the region's special agriculture 206 00:15:41,437 --> 00:15:48,435 'didn't seem to be that special.' 207 00:15:48,436 --> 00:15:51,077 So it's sunflower seeds, soya bean, nothing else. Nothing, nothing. 208 00:15:51,436 --> 00:15:54,435 'Still, I was learning more than James... 209 00:15:58,436 --> 00:16:00,435 '..or Hammond.' 210 00:16:06,434 --> 00:16:09,434 Who's got any Whiskey? Have you got any Scotch? 211 00:16:11,434 --> 00:16:16,432 'By midnight, I'd been through every single crop in the area.' 212 00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:19,432 Sesame seeds. Sesame seeds, yeah, yeah. Maize. 213 00:16:19,433 --> 00:16:22,432 'So, I took a leaf out of Hammond's book...' 214 00:16:22,433 --> 00:16:24,432 Cheers, cheers, cheers. 215 00:16:24,433 --> 00:16:29,433 '..And, along with May and half the film crew, joined the party.' 216 00:16:35,432 --> 00:16:39,431 ♪ I'm dressing sharp and I'm acting cool, 217 00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:42,431 ♪ Got a cheerleader here... ♪ 218 00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:12,428 Well, one thing is for sure. 219 00:17:12,429 --> 00:17:16,427 There are absolutely no drugs in this part of Burma. No, none. 220 00:17:16,428 --> 00:17:18,428 I talked to everybody and... 221 00:17:18,429 --> 00:17:23,427 I talked to people involved in the sales and distribution 222 00:17:23,428 --> 00:17:27,427 of stationery, I talked to farmers, Army people, Colonel Kurtz. 223 00:17:27,428 --> 00:17:33,426 I spoke to Colonel Kurtz, he was in vegetables. 224 00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:37,427 We can say, "You're looking in the wrong place." 225 00:17:39,427 --> 00:17:43,425 Have you seen... Our colleague is not well. 226 00:17:43,426 --> 00:17:47,425 We've got a lot of time to kill this morning before that is capable 227 00:17:47,426 --> 00:17:48,426 of driving a lorry. 228 00:17:55,425 --> 00:17:59,426 'Many, many hours later, we were back on the road.' 229 00:18:03,425 --> 00:18:05,425 I think I punched a colonel. 230 00:18:07,424 --> 00:18:09,423 Or kissed him. 231 00:18:09,424 --> 00:18:14,423 Hammond? Yeah? What was your whiskey called again? 232 00:18:14,424 --> 00:18:17,423 Hankie Banister. 233 00:18:17,424 --> 00:18:22,423 "Hankie Banister. Third-best Whiskey in northern Burma." 234 00:18:25,423 --> 00:18:29,422 'Soon, though, the memories of our summit at the end of Apocalypse Now 235 00:18:29,423 --> 00:18:34,422 'were eclipsed by the sheer beauty of this untouched paradise.' 236 00:18:42,422 --> 00:18:47,421 I've never taken more landscape photographs in my entire life. 237 00:18:47,422 --> 00:18:48,421 It's just... 238 00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:54,421 You've got to come here. You have got to come and see this. 239 00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:04,419 'James would have enjoyed the view, too, 240 00:19:04,420 --> 00:19:08,420 'but predictably he'd had yet another breakdown.' 241 00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:21,419 Cock. The problem is - well, I don't know what the problem is, 242 00:19:22,418 --> 00:19:25,417 on two, then it was definitely only running on one cylinder, because it 243 00:19:25,418 --> 00:19:29,418 sounded like the sort of generator people put on in the night. 244 00:19:30,418 --> 00:19:32,418 Ah, BLEEP. 245 00:19:33,418 --> 00:19:35,418 Non-BBC Two word. 246 00:19:37,417 --> 00:19:40,416 'Once I'd fixed the problem, which was wonky fuel injectors, 247 00:19:40,417 --> 00:19:42,417 'I was on the move again.' 248 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,416 God, this lorry is appalling. 249 00:19:48,416 --> 00:19:50,415 'And it didn't take long to catch the others, 250 00:19:50,416 --> 00:19:54,416 'because the road was steep, and Hammond was in front.' 251 00:19:58,415 --> 00:20:01,415 First gear. Bad. 252 00:20:04,415 --> 00:20:06,415 Literally the slowest I've ever been. 253 00:20:09,415 --> 00:20:11,414 Hammond, I haven't got any more gears left. 254 00:20:11,415 --> 00:20:13,413 I can't get out the way, the road's too narrow, 255 00:20:13,414 --> 00:20:16,414 I can't go any faster, I'm in a lorry. 256 00:20:22,413 --> 00:20:24,413 It's pretty much vertical. 257 00:20:26,414 --> 00:20:32,413 God, look at the smoke now. I've got a mining lung disease. 258 00:20:33,413 --> 00:20:37,412 I'm starting to imagine what Hammond might look like without any skin on. 259 00:20:42,412 --> 00:20:43,412 Now what? 260 00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:48,411 I think if we all back up, he can come in here. 261 00:20:50,412 --> 00:20:53,411 Hammond, we can't - there's nothing to be gained by... 262 00:20:55,411 --> 00:20:58,410 Hammond, you idiot, you've reversed into the sports lorry! 263 00:21:00,410 --> 00:21:04,410 You've broken it. I didn't know. Genuinely, that was an accident. 264 00:21:05,410 --> 00:21:09,410 Don't just drive off, Hammond. Hammond! Hammond! 265 00:21:11,410 --> 00:21:18,409 He's broken my headlights, radiator. My bull bar is broken. The mirror. 266 00:21:19,409 --> 00:21:21,408 What, you just reverse and hope? 267 00:21:21,409 --> 00:21:24,408 Where did you think I was?! All day, I have been behind you. 268 00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:27,407 I didn't think you were that close behind me. 269 00:21:27,408 --> 00:21:30,407 I now know why they have those stickers for lorry drivers - 270 00:21:30,408 --> 00:21:33,408 "If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you." 271 00:21:35,407 --> 00:21:39,406 'Even though the incident had been technically my fault, 272 00:21:39,407 --> 00:21:41,406 'I still followed the standard procedure.' 273 00:21:43,407 --> 00:21:46,406 What? He knows the rules. Live by the sword, you must... 274 00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:51,406 I can't remember. Whatever. Something to do with swords. 275 00:21:56,405 --> 00:22:00,405 Held me up all day, then he reversed into me, 276 00:22:00,406 --> 00:22:04,405 so I think tonight Hammond's other wrist might break. 277 00:22:08,404 --> 00:22:10,403 However, when I reached the overnight holds, 278 00:22:10,404 --> 00:22:13,403 I came up with a more fiendish idea. 279 00:22:13,404 --> 00:22:16,403 An idea that involved the bucket Hammond had fitted to collect 280 00:22:16,404 --> 00:22:18,404 rainwater for his shower. 281 00:22:22,403 --> 00:22:28,403 I think this does pay him back for holding us up all day long. Yep. 282 00:22:30,403 --> 00:22:32,402 Oh, there's more. Part two. 283 00:22:35,402 --> 00:22:39,401 'I then began to work on my lorry's waterworks.' 284 00:22:39,402 --> 00:22:44,401 Massive nuts holding the radiator on. 22 millimetres. Yeah. 285 00:22:47,401 --> 00:22:51,401 Oh, it's warm. So warm, fresh rainwater. 286 00:22:53,401 --> 00:22:58,401 Golden rain. I can taste the goodness. The outdoors. 287 00:23:00,401 --> 00:23:03,400 And neither of you two thought of this. 288 00:23:11,399 --> 00:23:13,398 'After dining on roast grasshopper, 289 00:23:13,399 --> 00:23:17,399 'we spent the evening playing with my Chinese lanterns.' 290 00:23:18,399 --> 00:23:21,398 Are you going to set them off here? Why not? 291 00:23:21,399 --> 00:23:25,397 I should say in a country where a lot of people live in houses made of... 292 00:23:25,398 --> 00:23:29,397 What is it, dried grass? Oh, relax. That's not going to be a problem. 293 00:23:29,398 --> 00:23:33,397 The chances of you getting one of those things to work... 294 00:23:33,398 --> 00:23:35,397 There, let it fly. 295 00:23:36,398 --> 00:23:39,397 Yes. Hammond, ye of little faith. 296 00:23:39,398 --> 00:23:41,396 Go find a barn or a thatched roof. 297 00:23:41,397 --> 00:23:45,396 Now, let's just... I'm going to get a beer and savour the moment. 298 00:23:45,397 --> 00:23:47,395 This is a... It's a mobile bonfire. It is. 299 00:23:47,396 --> 00:23:50,395 If it were to land in a field of poppies, for example, 300 00:23:50,396 --> 00:23:53,396 imagine how beautiful that would be. 301 00:23:55,396 --> 00:24:00,396 'Feeling content and happy, we went to bed. Well, one of us did.' 302 00:24:03,396 --> 00:24:06,394 What do you think the chances are of waking him? 303 00:24:06,395 --> 00:24:08,531 You won't wake him, he sleeps the sleep of the dead. 304 00:24:11,394 --> 00:24:13,394 That's in neutral. 305 00:24:26,393 --> 00:24:27,394 Jesus Christ! 306 00:24:39,393 --> 00:24:43,392 'Jeremy hit the road in a fractious mood.' 307 00:24:44,392 --> 00:24:46,392 Why did you tip me out of my lorry? 308 00:24:48,392 --> 00:24:51,391 Because you swung me around in my tent. 309 00:24:51,392 --> 00:24:55,390 You deserved that because you're irritating. I'm never irritating. 310 00:24:55,391 --> 00:24:59,389 It's a good point Jeremy raises, I feel quite bad about it now, 311 00:24:59,390 --> 00:25:01,391 because when has he ever been irritating? 312 00:25:03,391 --> 00:25:05,389 'To make my mood even worse, 313 00:25:05,390 --> 00:25:10,390 'the endless hard going had had a catastrophic effect on my brakes.' 314 00:25:12,390 --> 00:25:15,389 I think they're only working now on the left-hand side. 315 00:25:15,390 --> 00:25:18,388 Nothing, everything. 316 00:25:18,389 --> 00:25:20,429 You move your foot that much, that's the difference. 317 00:25:22,389 --> 00:25:27,388 Fortunately, we were now only 80 miles from the border with Thailand. 318 00:25:27,389 --> 00:25:31,388 But, unfortunately, none of those miles would be gentle. 319 00:25:38,387 --> 00:25:43,387 Oh, it's bad in here and it will be worse in Jeremy's lorry. 320 00:25:52,386 --> 00:25:55,385 'It was desperately uncomfortable, and hot, 321 00:25:55,386 --> 00:25:59,385 'and ahead of us lay the biggest mountain range yet.' 322 00:26:15,385 --> 00:26:19,384 This climb is exactly what you need in a lorry with a leaky radiator. 323 00:26:27,383 --> 00:26:32,383 Oh, that is a trouser-threatening drop. 324 00:26:34,383 --> 00:26:37,383 James May is a man who does not like heights. 325 00:26:38,382 --> 00:26:42,381 He is also a man whose lorry has its front axle held on with 326 00:26:42,382 --> 00:26:43,382 a bit of string. 327 00:26:45,381 --> 00:26:48,380 How's your vertigo, May? I'm not looking. 328 00:26:48,381 --> 00:26:51,381 But thanks for reminding me. 329 00:26:54,381 --> 00:26:57,379 'Progress was extremely slow 330 00:26:57,380 --> 00:26:59,381 'as I had to keep stopping to refill my radiator.' 331 00:27:01,381 --> 00:27:04,381 Pouring out from exactly where the araldite was. 332 00:27:07,380 --> 00:27:11,379 Fairly convinced this is an old wives' tale, but we shall see. 333 00:27:11,380 --> 00:27:15,379 'Meanwhile, James was having his first breakdown of the day.' 334 00:27:19,379 --> 00:27:20,379 Oh, BLEEP. 335 00:27:22,379 --> 00:27:24,378 Nope. 336 00:27:26,378 --> 00:27:29,377 'This time, it was the transfer box, 337 00:27:29,378 --> 00:27:32,377 'which had burst free from its mountings.' 338 00:27:32,378 --> 00:27:36,376 That's the transfer box, that's the bracket where it's bolted on, 339 00:27:36,377 --> 00:27:39,376 those two bolts have been shaken out. 340 00:27:39,377 --> 00:27:40,378 Oh, cock. 341 00:27:47,377 --> 00:27:50,376 Still going on, still more mountains. 342 00:27:52,377 --> 00:27:54,376 When will this end? 343 00:27:58,084 --> 00:27:59,375 Oh, my God, it gets steep. 344 00:27:59,376 --> 00:28:01,375 I've got to keep moving, 345 00:28:01,376 --> 00:28:07,374 if I stop, pulling away will kill the clutch, I'm sure of that. 346 00:28:07,375 --> 00:28:11,374 OK, my temperature gauge is now really very high. 347 00:28:11,375 --> 00:28:15,373 I'm looking for a little stream. 348 00:28:15,374 --> 00:28:19,373 'Still, at least the mood was more cheerful than it 349 00:28:19,374 --> 00:28:21,374 'was at the back of the convoy.' 350 00:28:30,373 --> 00:28:32,372 BLEEP. 351 00:28:32,373 --> 00:28:36,372 BLEEPING second gear failed, and now the engine has BLEEP BLEEP arse. 352 00:28:37,373 --> 00:28:40,373 You piece of BLEEP. 353 00:28:42,372 --> 00:28:47,371 'With some careful nursing, Jeremy and I eventually reached 354 00:28:47,372 --> 00:28:52,372 'the summit, where there was one hell of a reward.' 355 00:28:57,371 --> 00:28:58,371 That is insane. 356 00:29:13,370 --> 00:29:19,369 Never seen views like it. Not as extensive. Not all at the same time. 357 00:29:19,370 --> 00:29:23,368 What have we got here? Himalayas. Yeah. Austria. 358 00:29:23,369 --> 00:29:29,367 Bit of Scotland going on there. Quite a bit of Scotland. And the sky. 359 00:29:29,368 --> 00:29:34,368 Enormous. Like a sky from Texas. Texas sky. But bigger. Much bigger. 360 00:29:37,368 --> 00:29:40,368 Absolutely staggering. 361 00:29:42,367 --> 00:29:46,367 'Sadly, though, the piece of the moment was then shattered.' 362 00:29:50,155 --> 00:29:51,772 The A-MAY van has arrived. 363 00:29:55,367 --> 00:29:57,366 He's in a rile. 364 00:30:00,366 --> 00:30:03,364 Mate, you've got the crane here. 365 00:30:03,365 --> 00:30:05,365 BLEEP! Heap of dog BLEEP! 366 00:30:07,366 --> 00:30:11,364 Don't say anything. I don't think he's very happy. 367 00:30:11,365 --> 00:30:13,364 You know the old Buddhist expression, don't you? 368 00:30:13,365 --> 00:30:17,364 He who tips a man out of his lorry will suffer from many breakdowns. 369 00:30:20,364 --> 00:30:24,363 From here to the border with Thailand it was downhill 370 00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:25,363 all the way. 371 00:30:25,364 --> 00:30:28,363 Which for me, at least, was a bit alarming. 372 00:30:28,364 --> 00:30:30,363 Oh, God. Look at that road now. 373 00:30:32,363 --> 00:30:34,363 No brakes, no brakes. 374 00:30:38,362 --> 00:30:40,362 If your brakes went entirely would you stay with it 375 00:30:40,363 --> 00:30:44,361 and hope you could sort it out or would you bail out? 376 00:30:44,362 --> 00:30:47,362 I'm actually sitting here planning that very thing. 377 00:30:49,362 --> 00:30:51,360 I've planned my bailout already. 378 00:30:51,361 --> 00:30:55,361 I've even practised lunging for the door handle. 379 00:30:55,362 --> 00:30:58,360 I've got an image of James punching his lorry all 380 00:30:58,361 --> 00:31:00,361 the way down the slopes as they fell. 381 00:31:10,361 --> 00:31:15,358 Amazingly, we all made it to the bottom of the mountain in one piece. 382 00:31:15,359 --> 00:31:17,360 Nearly. 383 00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:22,360 And now we were only 40 miles from the Thai border. 384 00:31:26,359 --> 00:31:29,359 Oh, this is it. We are about to leave Burma. 385 00:31:32,358 --> 00:31:34,359 I'm gonna miss it. 386 00:32:11,355 --> 00:32:14,354 Soon we cross the border into Thailand and this meant 387 00:32:14,355 --> 00:32:20,353 we were now just 90 miles from our finishing line at the River Kwai. 388 00:32:20,354 --> 00:32:24,354 19 miles of easy-going on smooth roads. 389 00:32:33,353 --> 00:32:37,351 Oh, it's... Hammond your tyre! Your tyre is... 390 00:32:37,352 --> 00:32:40,352 It's detonating, mate. 391 00:32:42,352 --> 00:32:44,353 It's hard to explain to you... 392 00:32:48,352 --> 00:32:53,352 I'm not giving up. I'm not stopping. How many wheels do I need? 393 00:32:57,351 --> 00:33:02,351 Happily, the rest of my tyres stayed inflated and as darkness fell... 394 00:33:03,351 --> 00:33:06,350 we finally reached our destination. 395 00:33:11,350 --> 00:33:14,349 I believe we are at the River Kwai. 396 00:33:14,350 --> 00:33:16,349 The crane is here, everybody. 397 00:33:18,349 --> 00:33:22,348 It's bolted onto a BLEEP lorry but never mind that. 398 00:33:22,349 --> 00:33:24,349 My brain is frazzled. 399 00:33:29,349 --> 00:33:33,347 To the lorry struggling and screaming and straining to climb another hill. 400 00:33:33,348 --> 00:33:35,348 Ah, ah, ah! 401 00:33:37,348 --> 00:33:40,347 I am going to sleep for 1,000 years. 402 00:33:46,347 --> 00:33:48,346 Has my spine come out of the top of my head? 403 00:33:48,347 --> 00:33:51,346 I can't see because my eyes have been shaken loose. 404 00:33:51,347 --> 00:33:54,346 I think my pelvis has moved around in my body. 405 00:33:54,347 --> 00:33:57,345 I'm not surprised in your lorry. It doesn't work. 406 00:33:57,346 --> 00:33:59,345 Your pedals are all different. 407 00:33:59,346 --> 00:34:02,345 Releasing the clutch is that. 408 00:34:02,346 --> 00:34:05,345 It's like a Masonic dance thing that I have to do every time. 409 00:34:05,346 --> 00:34:08,346 You know those power plates in gyms that make you stupid? 410 00:34:10,345 --> 00:34:12,344 There's also a psychological thing, 411 00:34:12,345 --> 00:34:15,344 every time I hear a diesel engine start I have a nervous twitch. 412 00:34:15,345 --> 00:34:18,344 Manual gearboxes. What? 413 00:34:18,345 --> 00:34:21,343 You have ruined me and my life. 414 00:34:21,344 --> 00:34:23,344 The gearbox is too far... 415 00:34:25,344 --> 00:34:29,343 "The Prisoners Of War walked to their bridge site," 416 00:34:29,344 --> 00:34:32,344 "you have driven here so shut up." 417 00:34:35,344 --> 00:34:39,343 "Work on the bridge starts at 0500." What?! 418 00:34:40,342 --> 00:34:44,342 "0500 and you can't go home" 419 00:34:44,343 --> 00:34:48,341 "until all three lorries have driven over it." 420 00:34:48,342 --> 00:34:52,340 0500. What's the point? We're not still in the war. 421 00:34:52,341 --> 00:34:55,341 What's the point of 0500? It will only be a little river. 422 00:35:00,341 --> 00:35:04,339 The next morning at precisely 0500.. And 11, 423 00:35:04,340 --> 00:35:07,340 we discovered just how wrong we were. 424 00:35:21,339 --> 00:35:25,338 It is much wider than I thought it was going to be. 425 00:35:25,339 --> 00:35:31,338 I thought it would be a comedic gully. I did. It's 100 times wider. 426 00:35:33,338 --> 00:35:39,337 We were going to need a 60m bridge so James went off to make plans 427 00:35:39,338 --> 00:35:44,337 and Hammond and I decided to measure the depth of the water. 428 00:35:44,338 --> 00:35:47,338 Well, when I say Hammond and I... 429 00:35:49,337 --> 00:35:51,336 I'm approaching plumb depth. 430 00:35:51,337 --> 00:35:55,336 Ah! Broach the plumb... Oh! Ah! 431 00:35:57,337 --> 00:35:59,336 It's ever so cold. 432 00:35:59,337 --> 00:36:00,335 I hate my job! 433 00:36:00,336 --> 00:36:03,335 In Bridge On The River Kwai did Alec Guinness go, 434 00:36:03,336 --> 00:36:05,335 "Oh, it's ever so cold!" 435 00:36:05,336 --> 00:36:09,336 I bet he did in reality. Oh! I bet he did in reality. 436 00:36:10,335 --> 00:36:15,334 Oh! Sadly, at this point my colleague was carried away by the current. 437 00:36:15,335 --> 00:36:17,334 Swim, man! 438 00:36:17,335 --> 00:36:18,334 I am! 439 00:36:18,335 --> 00:36:21,334 You're the weakest swimmer in the world. 440 00:36:21,335 --> 00:36:25,333 And since he was providing no useful feedback, 441 00:36:25,334 --> 00:36:28,333 I went to check on James's plans. 442 00:36:28,334 --> 00:36:30,333 This is what I was thinking. 443 00:36:30,334 --> 00:36:33,333 The bank goes down at each side obviously, 444 00:36:33,334 --> 00:36:36,332 we build up the approach area with these baskets of stones, 445 00:36:36,333 --> 00:36:40,332 make vertical piles out of bamboo like this, these longerons 446 00:36:40,333 --> 00:36:44,332 I'm calling them, they are bamboo lashed together, 447 00:36:44,333 --> 00:36:45,332 these will go this way... 448 00:36:45,333 --> 00:36:48,331 Two tracks for the wheels, the rest is immaterial 449 00:36:48,332 --> 00:36:51,331 and then a superstructure like this 450 00:36:51,332 --> 00:36:52,331 all adding strength. 451 00:36:52,332 --> 00:36:57,331 You know the sort of thing so that it looks a bit like the film. 452 00:36:57,332 --> 00:37:00,330 Basically we need to start with rocks 453 00:37:00,331 --> 00:37:02,330 and some wire mesh to make boxes to put them in. 454 00:37:02,331 --> 00:37:04,330 Where are we getting rocks from? 455 00:37:04,331 --> 00:37:07,330 That's your job because you have the tipper lorry. 456 00:37:08,330 --> 00:37:11,329 I set about making the wire mesh baskets, 457 00:37:11,330 --> 00:37:15,330 freed up the space in Jeremy's cargo bay... 458 00:37:17,329 --> 00:37:19,328 May, you imbecile! 459 00:37:19,330 --> 00:37:21,329 And when Hammond finally returned, 460 00:37:21,330 --> 00:37:25,329 I sent them both off to a nearby quarry to get the rocks. 461 00:37:27,329 --> 00:37:31,328 You've put them in the front of this one. 462 00:37:31,329 --> 00:37:33,328 Yeah, stick them in the front. 463 00:37:33,329 --> 00:37:36,328 Let's have these ones here. 464 00:37:37,328 --> 00:37:41,326 Jeremy... Are you going to do anything? 465 00:37:41,327 --> 00:37:46,327 What can I do? Load the trucks. He's loading them! 466 00:37:48,327 --> 00:37:52,326 With the trucks loaded, Jeremy finally got off his backside 467 00:37:52,327 --> 00:37:55,326 and immediately started to shout at me. 468 00:37:55,327 --> 00:37:58,325 Hammond! You idiot. 469 00:37:58,326 --> 00:38:00,325 What? 470 00:38:00,326 --> 00:38:04,326 You put about 400 tonnes of rocks and it is stuck. 471 00:38:05,325 --> 00:38:10,324 I woke you to say are you going to help with the loading? 472 00:38:10,325 --> 00:38:13,324 Your words were, "There's nothing to do!" 473 00:38:13,325 --> 00:38:16,324 That's exactly the kind of issue you should have been awake for. 474 00:38:16,325 --> 00:38:19,324 How do I know what your load is? I don't know. 475 00:38:19,325 --> 00:38:22,324 The only solution was to tip some of the rocks out. 476 00:38:25,324 --> 00:38:28,323 Oh, no, no, no! 477 00:38:28,324 --> 00:38:32,323 Oh, my. That's a remarkable accident. Look... 478 00:38:34,323 --> 00:38:36,323 Oh, jeez, no. 479 00:38:36,324 --> 00:38:42,323 Your windscreen has come out. 480 00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:46,322 The breeze will be nice! 481 00:38:48,323 --> 00:38:53,322 Predictably, when we got back, James was overflowing with sympathy. 482 00:39:01,321 --> 00:39:05,321 Did you head-butt it? But look... 483 00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:13,320 Richard and James began to load their basket by hand. 484 00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:16,319 Oh, that's a big rock. 485 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:20,319 But I'm allergic to manual labour so I used horsepower instead. 486 00:39:25,319 --> 00:39:28,319 And then I went into town to buy supper. 487 00:39:30,319 --> 00:39:32,318 Is this a marrow? 488 00:39:36,319 --> 00:39:39,317 A...? Name... 489 00:39:39,318 --> 00:39:43,318 This is... Crikey, is it? I thought it was a marrow. 490 00:39:45,318 --> 00:39:49,316 That's something you learn. In Thailand, the word for... Yes, that. 491 00:39:49,317 --> 00:39:51,317 That's the word for marrow. 492 00:39:53,317 --> 00:39:57,317 When I returned, I brought with me a gang of local labourers. 493 00:39:58,317 --> 00:39:59,315 What are you doing? 494 00:39:59,316 --> 00:40:01,304 There's no way we're going to be able to build 495 00:40:01,317 --> 00:40:03,315 this bridge by ourselves, let's be reasonable. 496 00:40:03,316 --> 00:40:05,315 He's right, Hammond. 497 00:40:05,316 --> 00:40:09,315 You and I are not going to be able to build this bridge by ourselves. 498 00:40:09,316 --> 00:40:12,315 I know. Hello, officers won't work. 499 00:40:12,316 --> 00:40:15,315 Alec Guinness made that very plain in Bridge On The River Kwai 500 00:40:15,316 --> 00:40:17,314 in the film. 501 00:40:17,315 --> 00:40:20,313 That was the whole premise of the story is that officers won't work. 502 00:40:20,314 --> 00:40:26,313 You're an officer? Of course I'm an officer. 503 00:40:26,314 --> 00:40:30,314 Because you've got a stick. That stick may disappear quite soon. 504 00:40:33,314 --> 00:40:38,313 With the local chaps helping, James and I started to make good progress. 505 00:40:58,312 --> 00:40:59,310 As we toiled away, 506 00:40:59,311 --> 00:41:05,311 the self-appointed officer seemed to be setting up a children's tea party. 507 00:41:08,311 --> 00:41:10,310 What are you doing now? 508 00:41:10,311 --> 00:41:16,309 Well, it's a trick I learnt from the British in Burma in the 19th century, 509 00:41:16,310 --> 00:41:21,309 they would employ some local young chap, cover him in jam, 510 00:41:21,310 --> 00:41:24,309 he would follow them around all day and he'd attract the insects. 511 00:41:24,310 --> 00:41:26,308 They called him a jam boy. 512 00:41:26,309 --> 00:41:29,308 This is my jam bear. It doesn't seem very fair. 513 00:41:29,309 --> 00:41:34,309 It was, it was because at the end of the day he got to keep the jam. 514 00:41:39,309 --> 00:41:45,307 At the end of our long difficult day, I produced my delicious supper. 515 00:41:45,308 --> 00:41:48,307 It smells very good, Clarkson, what is it? 516 00:41:48,308 --> 00:41:52,306 Mm, I'll whisper it to you because I can't say it in front of the viewers. 517 00:41:52,307 --> 00:41:56,306 What? She just looked at me and went... 518 00:41:56,307 --> 00:42:00,305 What did you say? Steady on! 519 00:42:00,306 --> 00:42:03,305 I'd even prepared a treat for Hammond. 520 00:42:03,306 --> 00:42:06,305 For afters I've got you something very special indeed. What? 521 00:42:07,604 --> 00:42:12,304 I know you're partial to a bit of Black Cock. Oh, yes. 522 00:42:12,305 --> 00:42:15,304 And so I've managed to find... 523 00:42:15,305 --> 00:42:17,304 Oh, you hero. 524 00:42:17,305 --> 00:42:21,303 Oh, well done. Black Cock. Stiff one? Yes, please. 525 00:42:21,304 --> 00:42:25,304 Get that down your neck. Cheers. 526 00:42:25,305 --> 00:42:27,303 Bottoms up. 527 00:42:27,304 --> 00:42:31,303 I'll tell you what, I'm going to sleep tonight. Absolutely. 528 00:42:31,304 --> 00:42:32,304 I am worn out. 529 00:42:36,303 --> 00:42:40,302 The next morning, the dawn light reveals just how little 530 00:42:40,303 --> 00:42:41,303 we had achieved. 531 00:42:43,303 --> 00:42:48,302 So, before the morning mist had cleared, everyone was hard at work. 532 00:42:49,303 --> 00:42:51,302 Well, when I say everyone... 533 00:43:13,301 --> 00:43:19,300 Morning, May. Good morning. Are you actually going to do any work today? 534 00:43:20,300 --> 00:43:25,299 I have explained this to you until I'm blue in the face. 535 00:43:25,300 --> 00:43:28,299 Officers won't work. 536 00:43:36,298 --> 00:43:37,299 Guys! 537 00:43:39,298 --> 00:43:41,297 May? 538 00:43:41,298 --> 00:43:43,298 Can you hear something? 539 00:43:44,298 --> 00:43:46,297 I need a poo! 540 00:43:46,298 --> 00:43:51,297 Guys, I've had a thought. It turns out officers will work. 541 00:43:53,297 --> 00:43:58,296 After they released me... Right, work. Remains available. 542 00:43:58,297 --> 00:44:03,295 I immediately decided we needed more labour-saving machinery so I rented 543 00:44:03,296 --> 00:44:08,296 a digger for Hammond and I went for something that would humiliate May. 544 00:44:18,295 --> 00:44:23,295 James has totally wasted his time bringing that crane here. 545 00:44:26,294 --> 00:44:28,295 Go on, son! 546 00:44:29,294 --> 00:44:31,294 Oh, no! 547 00:44:39,293 --> 00:44:41,293 BLEEP! BLEEP! 548 00:44:43,293 --> 00:44:47,292 What was that? It fell over, James. What have you done? 549 00:44:47,293 --> 00:44:50,291 Hold on a minute! Did you see where the end of your jib landed? 550 00:44:50,292 --> 00:44:53,291 I had only walked back to see where the pile was. 551 00:44:53,292 --> 00:44:55,280 If I'd still been standing there, it would have taken 552 00:44:55,293 --> 00:44:57,291 my head off! It fell over! It almost killed me! 553 00:44:57,292 --> 00:45:00,290 What do you mean, "It fell over"? They don't fall over, crane lorries! 554 00:45:00,291 --> 00:45:02,291 They don't fall over on the motorway! 555 00:45:02,292 --> 00:45:04,291 What do you mean, it doesn't fall over? 556 00:45:04,292 --> 00:45:07,290 You knocked it over! Your crane is too small, 557 00:45:07,291 --> 00:45:10,290 so, I've got a bigger one to reach further into the river. 558 00:45:10,291 --> 00:45:13,291 Right. My crane is too small. That's punishable by death, is it? 559 00:45:14,291 --> 00:45:19,289 After James had calmed down a bit, we decided to solve the problem 560 00:45:19,290 --> 00:45:24,288 by using the combined power of Richard's digger and the A-May Van. 561 00:45:24,289 --> 00:45:28,289 In three, two, one... 562 00:45:28,290 --> 00:45:30,289 Lift away! 563 00:45:44,288 --> 00:45:46,287 Oh! 564 00:45:46,288 --> 00:45:47,287 Yeah! 565 00:45:47,288 --> 00:45:52,288 But, with stronger cables, we soon had my crane the right way up. 566 00:45:54,287 --> 00:45:56,287 Excellent. And back to work. 567 00:46:09,286 --> 00:46:11,286 Just use this as an enormous hammer so... 568 00:46:19,286 --> 00:46:21,285 Just delicacy, this. 569 00:46:22,285 --> 00:46:24,284 Oi! 570 00:46:24,285 --> 00:46:27,283 That little insect that he's dragged all the way here 571 00:46:27,284 --> 00:46:29,284 is simply getting in our way. 572 00:46:32,284 --> 00:46:33,284 Oh, well done, Hammond. 573 00:46:34,284 --> 00:46:35,284 Hang on. 574 00:46:37,284 --> 00:46:40,284 That's the ticket! Hammond! Come on, James, out you come. 575 00:46:43,284 --> 00:46:45,282 Spiky things! 576 00:46:45,283 --> 00:46:48,282 Even though we were now working as a team, and the bridge 577 00:46:48,283 --> 00:46:53,282 was starting to take shape, we were still way behind James' schedule. 578 00:46:55,283 --> 00:46:59,281 This side, the blue pegs, represents how far we should have got by now. 579 00:46:59,282 --> 00:47:02,281 The red pegs show how far we actually have got. 580 00:47:02,282 --> 00:47:03,280 Obviously not far enough. 581 00:47:03,281 --> 00:47:05,282 It's worse than I thought. 582 00:47:07,282 --> 00:47:10,280 So, the three of us worked on into the night. 583 00:47:10,281 --> 00:47:12,280 This long? This is long. 584 00:47:12,281 --> 00:47:14,280 That's to go to Hammond. 585 00:47:14,281 --> 00:47:17,280 Whoa, stop there. A bit further. I've got it, I've got it. 586 00:47:17,281 --> 00:47:21,280 And even though we went to bed exhausted... 587 00:47:22,279 --> 00:47:26,280 Sleep for Jeremy and I was impossible. 588 00:47:40,278 --> 00:47:42,278 Clarkson! 589 00:47:43,278 --> 00:47:44,278 Funny! 590 00:47:46,278 --> 00:47:47,278 You funny man! 591 00:47:48,278 --> 00:47:52,276 We were even funnier getting him back in. 592 00:47:52,277 --> 00:47:55,276 I think it's the red one. Is it the red one? I don't know. 593 00:47:55,277 --> 00:47:58,276 Right, so, hang on, I've got one with, like, a circle. 594 00:47:58,277 --> 00:47:59,276 This one looks like an alien. 595 00:47:59,277 --> 00:48:01,276 That bottom one swivels. Jeez... 596 00:48:03,276 --> 00:48:05,276 No, the bottom one! 597 00:48:05,277 --> 00:48:06,276 Waargh! 598 00:48:09,276 --> 00:48:11,276 James, you're falling out your tent! 599 00:48:12,276 --> 00:48:14,275 He's fallen in! 600 00:48:14,276 --> 00:48:15,274 Help! 601 00:48:15,275 --> 00:48:18,275 That's an alarm clock, isn't it?! Oh, sorry, James! 602 00:48:20,275 --> 00:48:23,274 The bottom of this river's made out of turds. I know. 603 00:48:23,275 --> 00:48:25,274 Yeah. Try not to drink more than a pint. 604 00:48:27,274 --> 00:48:30,273 As I was carried away by the current, I noticed 605 00:48:30,274 --> 00:48:34,273 that the end of the bridge was now beyond the reach of our cranes. 606 00:48:34,274 --> 00:48:37,273 So when I returned, we built a home-made piledriver. 607 00:48:41,274 --> 00:48:44,272 Mounted it to a home-made barge... 608 00:48:44,273 --> 00:48:46,273 And kept right on going. 609 00:48:52,272 --> 00:48:54,272 Oh, no! 610 00:48:56,272 --> 00:48:57,272 BLEEP! 611 00:48:59,272 --> 00:49:01,270 Get it, stop it, stop it! James! 612 00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:03,271 I can't stop it! 613 00:49:03,272 --> 00:49:06,270 Get it, get it. 614 00:49:06,271 --> 00:49:07,270 Our bridge! Our bridge! 615 00:49:07,271 --> 00:49:08,271 Whoa! 616 00:49:10,271 --> 00:49:14,270 Quickly, go! Let's get it. 617 00:49:14,271 --> 00:49:15,270 Took hours! 618 00:49:15,271 --> 00:49:18,269 I've got it! 619 00:49:18,270 --> 00:49:19,270 Hold on! 620 00:49:21,270 --> 00:49:25,268 Oh, no! No! No! 621 00:49:25,269 --> 00:49:28,268 That was a deep bit! I'm drowning in BLEEP! 622 00:49:28,269 --> 00:49:29,270 Oh, no! 623 00:49:31,269 --> 00:49:34,269 Man overboard! 624 00:49:35,269 --> 00:49:37,267 How the hell are we ever going to...? 625 00:49:37,268 --> 00:49:39,268 This is worse! 626 00:49:39,269 --> 00:49:42,268 Abandon bridge! I'm getting back... BLEEP! 627 00:49:43,268 --> 00:49:44,269 BLEEP! 628 00:49:47,268 --> 00:49:50,268 Once we were back ashore, we gathered for an emergency meeting. 629 00:49:53,268 --> 00:49:56,267 I presume it was one of these that gave way. 630 00:49:56,268 --> 00:49:59,266 The piling. But why did it? 631 00:49:59,267 --> 00:50:00,266 Come on. 632 00:50:00,267 --> 00:50:04,265 Would it help focus our minds more on the problem 633 00:50:04,266 --> 00:50:07,265 if we had a shot of Hong Thong? 634 00:50:07,266 --> 00:50:10,265 Yes. Or we could have a Red Cock. 635 00:50:10,266 --> 00:50:12,265 We haven't had that. 636 00:50:12,266 --> 00:50:13,265 You got any white spirit? 637 00:50:13,266 --> 00:50:15,265 Yes, I have. 638 00:50:15,266 --> 00:50:18,264 I just don't get it. 639 00:50:18,265 --> 00:50:21,265 If one of the piers was wrong, that would do it. 640 00:50:24,265 --> 00:50:30,263 If we used... What if we used more of those whatever you call them, 641 00:50:30,264 --> 00:50:32,265 those bags of... 642 00:50:35,264 --> 00:50:40,262 I'm not helping him cough. What if we use more of those bags of stones 643 00:50:40,263 --> 00:50:45,262 to protect the bamboo pillars from the current? 644 00:50:45,263 --> 00:50:49,262 That White Spirit, by the way, actually IS white spirit! 645 00:50:49,263 --> 00:50:51,263 You're kidding?! What? It's for cleaning brushes. 646 00:50:56,263 --> 00:50:59,261 'We carried on with the build and as the long, hot days passed, 647 00:50:59,262 --> 00:51:03,261 'the bridge inched closer to the opposite bank.' 648 00:51:03,262 --> 00:51:06,262 There you go. 649 00:51:10,261 --> 00:51:12,261 Oh! He's gone through the ramp. 650 00:51:14,261 --> 00:51:16,259 Who here would like an ice cold beer? 651 00:51:16,260 --> 00:51:20,261 Oh, yes, please. 652 00:51:27,260 --> 00:51:30,259 'But, as we passed the two thirds point, 653 00:51:30,260 --> 00:51:34,259 'I was forced to call another emergency meeting.' 654 00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:38,258 What's the matter? 655 00:51:38,259 --> 00:51:41,258 Well, you know, we thought we were building a bridge over 656 00:51:41,259 --> 00:51:43,257 the River Kwai, which is noble? 657 00:51:43,258 --> 00:51:45,257 We are. We're not. 658 00:51:45,258 --> 00:51:47,259 The name of THAT river... 659 00:51:53,258 --> 00:51:54,258 The Kok? 660 00:51:55,257 --> 00:51:59,258 Top Gear is building a bridge over the River Kok. 661 00:52:03,257 --> 00:52:05,256 It's actually memorable. 662 00:52:05,257 --> 00:52:09,255 It is, you wouldn't order the wrong film from an Internet website. 663 00:52:09,256 --> 00:52:11,256 You'd be very careful if you were. How is BBC presentation... 664 00:52:11,257 --> 00:52:14,255 You know the woman at the beginning of every programme. 665 00:52:14,256 --> 00:52:17,255 "And tonight, Jeremy, James and Richard build a bridge 666 00:52:17,256 --> 00:52:18,256 "over the River Kok"... 667 00:52:20,256 --> 00:52:22,255 Well, we're not moving it! 668 00:52:25,255 --> 00:52:28,254 'At this point we had been at the site 669 00:52:28,255 --> 00:52:30,254 'for what seemed like an eternity 670 00:52:30,255 --> 00:52:32,253 'and we were desperate to get home 671 00:52:32,254 --> 00:52:35,253 'so we were working round the clock.' 672 00:52:35,254 --> 00:52:37,253 Got it? Yeah. That's a heavy... 673 00:52:37,254 --> 00:52:39,254 That's a bit denser, that one. 674 00:52:42,254 --> 00:52:43,252 I hate bamboo. 675 00:52:43,253 --> 00:52:44,252 I hate bamboo. 676 00:52:44,253 --> 00:52:46,253 So much. 677 00:52:56,252 --> 00:52:57,252 You know, 678 00:52:57,253 --> 00:53:00,251 after that drive through Burma, 679 00:53:00,252 --> 00:53:02,250 I was left with 680 00:53:02,251 --> 00:53:06,251 an enormous amount of respect for long-distance lorry drivers. 681 00:53:06,252 --> 00:53:07,250 But... 682 00:53:07,251 --> 00:53:09,251 Here, now, 683 00:53:09,252 --> 00:53:12,250 I have even more respect for those prisoners of war... 684 00:53:12,251 --> 00:53:14,249 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 685 00:53:14,250 --> 00:53:17,249 I mean, let's be honest, shall we, 686 00:53:17,250 --> 00:53:19,249 we are eat eating here at night. Yeah. 687 00:53:19,250 --> 00:53:23,249 We haven't got dysentery and we haven't got cholera. No. 688 00:53:23,250 --> 00:53:26,249 And we're not been beaten, daily. No, no. 689 00:53:26,250 --> 00:53:29,248 This is difficult, hard, hot work... 690 00:53:29,249 --> 00:53:33,249 But nothing... No... at all... 691 00:53:33,250 --> 00:53:36,248 You know that metal box. Yeah. 692 00:53:36,249 --> 00:53:40,248 There was a guy called Captain Drauer 693 00:53:40,249 --> 00:53:44,247 who broke the camp commandant's table. 694 00:53:44,248 --> 00:53:47,247 He was sentenced to life underground and they buried him 695 00:53:47,248 --> 00:53:50,247 in one of those metal boxes with a metal roof exposed to the sun 696 00:53:50,248 --> 00:53:54,247 and he was in there for 76 days. Oh, God. 697 00:53:54,248 --> 00:53:58,246 He had a broken arm when they put him in and when they got him out 698 00:53:58,247 --> 00:54:00,247 the rats had eaten most of one of his feet. 699 00:54:02,247 --> 00:54:04,247 It just beggars belief. 700 00:54:22,245 --> 00:54:25,244 'As the sun rose on the 15th day, 701 00:54:25,245 --> 00:54:29,243 'after the hardest work any of us had ever done, 702 00:54:29,244 --> 00:54:31,245 'the bridge was finished.' 703 00:54:42,244 --> 00:54:44,242 That is a proud moment. 704 00:54:44,243 --> 00:54:46,242 But... 705 00:54:46,243 --> 00:54:48,244 There's a slope on it. 706 00:54:50,243 --> 00:54:52,243 You're right. It's definitely higher on that side. 707 00:54:56,242 --> 00:54:58,241 'We decided to ignore the slope 708 00:54:58,242 --> 00:55:01,241 'and move straight to the opening ceremony.' 709 00:55:01,242 --> 00:55:04,241 In three, two, one... 710 00:55:04,242 --> 00:55:05,241 I declare... 711 00:55:06,242 --> 00:55:08,241 the bridge open. 712 00:55:10,241 --> 00:55:12,241 What a moment. 713 00:55:12,242 --> 00:55:14,240 And James May, you shall cross it first. 714 00:55:14,241 --> 00:55:16,240 Why am I crossing it first? 715 00:55:16,241 --> 00:55:19,240 Because I just said, "James May, you shall cross it first". 716 00:55:19,241 --> 00:55:22,240 He did, he said that. I did, didn't I? You did, you said that. Definitely. 717 00:55:27,240 --> 00:55:29,239 Right... 718 00:55:29,240 --> 00:55:31,239 Lucky elephant, lucky owl, 719 00:55:31,240 --> 00:55:33,240 Buddha, here we go. 720 00:55:47,238 --> 00:55:49,238 Oh, yeah. 721 00:55:50,238 --> 00:55:53,238 I on the bridge over the River Kok. 722 00:56:03,237 --> 00:56:06,236 This is genuinely the most nerve wracking thing I've ever done. 723 00:56:06,237 --> 00:56:10,236 James, you are perilously... Does he realise? 724 00:56:10,237 --> 00:56:12,236 He's a long way over to the right. 725 00:56:12,237 --> 00:56:14,235 Just keep calm, 726 00:56:14,236 --> 00:56:16,235 keep calm. 727 00:56:16,236 --> 00:56:19,236 Oh, my God! It's squirreling. 728 00:56:22,236 --> 00:56:24,236 Oh! They're bending. 729 00:56:26,235 --> 00:56:27,577 I'm more than halfway across. 730 00:56:32,234 --> 00:56:34,235 BLEEP 731 00:56:36,235 --> 00:56:38,233 All I've got to do is get down here. 732 00:56:38,234 --> 00:56:41,233 I just got to get down here. 733 00:56:41,234 --> 00:56:43,233 I've almost done it. 734 00:56:43,234 --> 00:56:45,234 Please... 735 00:56:51,234 --> 00:56:53,233 I'm over the River Kok on our own bridge! 736 00:56:56,232 --> 00:56:58,232 Yee-ha! 737 00:56:58,233 --> 00:56:59,232 Come on! 738 00:57:01,232 --> 00:57:02,231 Can you go next? 739 00:57:02,232 --> 00:57:05,231 Yes, I will go next. Yes? 740 00:57:05,232 --> 00:57:08,231 Yes, because your lorry is a lot heavier than my lorry and will weaken it. 741 00:57:10,232 --> 00:57:11,231 I didn't think of that. 742 00:57:17,231 --> 00:57:20,229 I have a policy here, speed and power. 743 00:57:20,230 --> 00:57:23,229 Because, in my mind, 744 00:57:23,230 --> 00:57:24,231 speed makes you lighter. 745 00:57:27,231 --> 00:57:28,628 I'm approaching the bridge now. 746 00:57:30,230 --> 00:57:32,229 Here we go. 747 00:57:32,230 --> 00:57:37,228 Taking your first ever gear change on the bridge over the River Kok 748 00:57:37,229 --> 00:57:38,229 and I bolst it up! 749 00:57:40,229 --> 00:57:43,229 Getting to close to the middle. 750 00:57:47,228 --> 00:57:49,228 Oh, the splintering noises. 751 00:57:52,228 --> 00:57:54,227 I'm weakening it for Hammond! 752 00:57:56,228 --> 00:57:59,227 Yes! Come on sports lorry! 753 00:58:01,227 --> 00:58:03,226 Yes! 754 00:58:03,227 --> 00:58:06,225 My sports lorry has broken its door 755 00:58:06,226 --> 00:58:11,225 but it is across and is bouncing to celebrate the moment. 756 00:58:11,226 --> 00:58:14,226 Yes! 757 00:58:15,226 --> 00:58:20,226 'Now it was the turn of the heaviest lorry of the lot.' 758 00:58:23,225 --> 00:58:25,226 Oh, dear God. 759 00:58:29,225 --> 00:58:31,224 This is a bridge that we built. 760 00:58:31,225 --> 00:58:35,223 I mean, obviously, I want him to fall into the Kok. 761 00:58:35,224 --> 00:58:36,223 Yes... 762 00:58:36,224 --> 00:58:39,223 But, if he does, we can't go home. 763 00:58:39,224 --> 00:58:42,223 The challenge said all three lorries doing it. I know. 764 00:58:43,224 --> 00:58:48,222 This struck is supposed to weigh 7.5 tonnes. 765 00:58:48,223 --> 00:58:51,222 I don't know if that takes into consideration 766 00:58:51,223 --> 00:58:53,222 all the extra bits on top! 767 00:58:53,223 --> 00:58:54,221 Oh, my God! 768 00:58:54,222 --> 00:58:56,223 Oh, oh! 769 00:59:00,222 --> 00:59:02,221 Oh! 770 00:59:02,222 --> 00:59:04,221 Oh, I can hear it crushing. 771 00:59:04,222 --> 00:59:06,222 I can feel it moving. 772 00:59:07,222 --> 00:59:09,220 Oh, no, what's happened? 773 00:59:09,221 --> 00:59:13,221 Oh, no! 774 00:59:13,222 --> 00:59:15,220 What have I done? 775 00:59:15,221 --> 00:59:18,220 It's going at this end, as well. 776 00:59:18,221 --> 00:59:21,219 It's losing structure! 777 00:59:21,220 --> 00:59:23,219 Oh! 778 00:59:23,220 --> 00:59:25,220 It's breaking apart! 779 00:59:25,221 --> 00:59:27,219 Oh! 780 00:59:27,220 --> 00:59:28,448 Don't rush to the end, Rich. 781 00:59:28,449 --> 00:59:30,219 Just go in your own... 782 00:59:30,220 --> 00:59:34,219 Oh! 783 00:59:34,220 --> 00:59:35,219 Just tiptoe. 784 00:59:37,220 --> 00:59:39,218 Just tread lightly. 785 00:59:39,219 --> 00:59:41,218 Just tiptoe your way across. 786 00:59:41,219 --> 00:59:44,218 That's it. That's it. 787 00:59:44,219 --> 00:59:45,217 Light thoughts. 788 00:59:45,218 --> 00:59:47,219 This way, this way. 789 00:59:53,218 --> 00:59:55,217 This way a bit. This way a bit. 790 00:59:55,218 --> 00:59:57,216 This way a bit. 791 00:59:57,217 --> 00:59:59,217 This way, this way, you're going to fall off. 792 00:59:59,218 --> 01:00:01,218 You're going to fall in! 793 01:00:06,217 --> 01:00:07,217 Yeah! 794 01:00:09,216 --> 01:00:11,216 Wo-ha-ha! 795 01:00:11,217 --> 01:00:13,216 Yes! 796 01:00:13,217 --> 01:00:15,215 Richard Hammond! 797 01:00:15,216 --> 01:00:17,215 I've never been glad to see you alive before 798 01:00:17,216 --> 01:00:18,215 but I am now. 799 01:00:18,216 --> 01:00:20,215 You were so close. 800 01:00:20,216 --> 01:00:23,215 We did it. We did it. 801 01:00:23,216 --> 01:00:25,215 Ow! Sorry. 802 01:00:25,216 --> 01:00:26,215 Mate... 803 01:00:28,216 --> 01:00:32,214 Do you know how close you were to falling into the middle at the end? 804 01:00:32,215 --> 01:00:34,214 Half a tyre. 805 01:00:34,215 --> 01:00:36,213 Half a tyre over the edge. 806 01:00:36,214 --> 01:00:38,213 The fact is, though... 807 01:00:38,214 --> 01:00:40,214 All three of us have done it. 808 01:00:40,215 --> 01:00:43,213 With our trucks, over the river. 809 01:00:43,214 --> 01:00:44,213 Here we are. 810 01:00:44,214 --> 01:00:47,213 1,200 miles, built a bridge... Yeah. 811 01:00:47,214 --> 01:00:49,213 Drove all three lorries across it. Yeah. 812 01:00:49,214 --> 01:00:51,913 It worked. 813 01:00:51,941 --> 01:00:55,941 Unlike the real film, Bridge On The River Kwai... 814 01:00:56,621 --> 01:00:58,619 there is no bombshell. 815 01:00:58,620 --> 01:00:59,620 No. No. 816 01:00:59,621 --> 01:01:02,620 But there is an ending. 817 01:01:02,621 --> 01:01:04,619 Thanks very much for watching. Thanks for watching. 818 01:01:04,620 --> 01:01:06,619 What a journey! 819 01:01:06,620 --> 01:01:08,620 God, you were close.