This is as good as any day
to start brand-new business with my formerly
unreliable family, including
my mother, a problem solver.
When the problem was my dad's law firm left us
deeply in debt, she problem solved by...
Whoa!
accidentally
falling off the roof for the insurance money.
If my mother's filing and bookkeeping skills are
as good as her landing-on-the-barbecue skills,
our law firm is in good shape.
But I'm optimistic.
I am optimistic.
My sister Sandy has found God.
Before that, she was a little different.
Her most recent business plan is that she's become
- a minister online. - I had no idea
being an ordained minister would feel so fulfilling,
and it's only been 45 minutes. You know what I mean, Bobby?
- Martin. - Who's Martin?
- I'm Martin. - Why'd you say your name was Bobby?
You're gonna make a great minister.
Thank you, Bobby.
And they said my brother Jimmy, a petty criminal,
could never be on the right side of the law?
Well, he has changed. See? Changed.
It's a new day and a new start, and all I have to do is
keep my family from being the people they actually are,
and we're in business. Wish me luck.
♪ The odds are that we will probably be all right ♪
♪ Odds are we're gonna be all right ♪
♪ Odds are we're gonna be all right for another night ♪
- Synced and corrected by killianp77 - - www.Addic7ed.com -
Oh.
Look at all of you.
I'm so excited for you.
First day taking over daddy's business. Are you working on a big case?
Well, we've been open for four minutes, so...
well, I brought muffins.
Ugh! Must have left them on top of the car
and then I drove away. Ok, where am I sitting?
Mine.
Ok, everybody. We are a business.
We need to act like it.
Exactly. We are all here to help Jenna.
Ok, I gotta go.
I've got group therapy with the crazies.
Well, to be fair, you are one of them.
I mean, just to be fair.
I am not one of them.
All I did was climb the roof to jump.
I changed my mind, and I fell off.
- Who hasn't done that? - To be fair, that is
- kind of crazy. - Woman would you stop saying "to be fair"?
- Ugh. Ten, nine, eight... - Ugh. Now look
- what you've done, Jimmy. - ... seven, six...
- What happens at one? - ... five...
- four... - Here. Here. Ok.
Listen. We are all here to help Jenna,
and that is what we're going
to do. We are a team.
Thank you, mom. I really appreciate your support...
Ok, bye. Ah, I gotta see if I can find those muffins that fell off the car.
- I don't want to go empty-handed. - Ok. Bye.
Hello. Engels' law ... how do you...?
Oh. Yes, this is the engels' law firm.
Our first case!
- You're our first case. - Oh, not out loud.
But don't tell anyone.
Just, you know...
Ceil, thank you for the muffins, by the way.
Oh, you're welcome. Sorry they're dinged new girl at the shop.
Ceil, anything else you want to say?
- No. - You've had a tough go.
Jumping off the roof like you did.
Ok, Ellen, like I told you last week, I really just fell.
Right. You fell.
- I did, and it wasn't serious. - Except you could have died.
- Not really. - Ceil, you could have...
died.
You could have died.
Oh, my God.
I could have died.
Listen, everybody,
life is precious, and I do not want to spend one more moment
of my time on this earth with you nut bars.
Good luck.
First of all, excuse me. My English I learned from watching your TV commercials.
- Oh. - Anyway, my boss
- is accusing me of stealing. - Jenna.
I think we should take this case.
- We are taking it, Jimmy. - Good. I thought we should.
Ok. Carmen,
- let's start from the beginning. - I got a work
visa from Jurgen and kleftmeier immigration.
Call 1-919-555-0164.
Ok. I need to know the truth. According to this complaint,
your boss is accusing you of stealing her earrings...
I never stole anything in my life! And why would I want it, when I can
get quality cubic zirconia from Babo's jewelry exchange,
6417 north service road, worth the drive to Tonawanda.
That's Babo's jewelry exchange, worth the drive
to Tonawanda. - O-ok, that's great. Thank you. I see here
she's also accusing you of having an affair with her husband, judge Guernsey.
No way. I don't want to be deported.
She cannot fire me for no reason, can she?
- No, she can't. - He is cute.
- He has VD. - Oh.
Ok, I'll go talk to her.
I'll come with you. - There's really no reason...
She once chased me with a kitchen knife.
You're coming with me.
You just keep quiet and let me do the talking.
- Fair enough. I'll do the... - note taking.
- Intimidating staring. - Fine. Whatever.
Ok, Jenna, by the way, I can't always be here to protect you,
Ok, so if anyone tries anything, let me show you a one-man takedown. Take the side
of your hand and you hit him right there at the center of the throat at such an angle.
Gets him in the jugular, cuts off the blood to the brain.
Just barely a tap.
I'm ok.
Max, I totally understand why your fiancée might
have reservations about hiring someone so new to the cloth
- as myself, but... - She has no experience.
Is that your lovely bride?
I'm sorry, Sandy. I tried.
- Sandy. - Let me get back to you.
Sandy, stop what you're doing.
I realized
for the very first time...
That I could have died.
Are you sure you don't need the whole family here for this,
the "I could have died" show?
Well, you're in a mood, Sandy.
Mommy,
I thought I could be a minister.
I mean, I felt like I'd found my calling, helping people.
- I'm a really good listener... - Well, you get that from me.
- I wasn't finished. - When that crackpot
therapist told me I was gonna die, it hit me.
The thought of me lying there, leaving this
- beautifully toned body. - Wow,
that's a little full of your... wait.
- What? - That's fantastic.
- What? What? - Mom...
- Someone did die that day. - What? Who?
The old ceil died. We need to have a funeral
for the old you. And I can officiate and invite clients.
Oh, that's ridiculous, Sandy. I am going to have nothing to do
with a funeral for myself.
It's not about you; It's about me.
It would be really good for my résumé.
Oh, honey.
Well, you do what you want, but I don't want to have
anything to do with it. Unless I could have a say
in the music. What do you think about Neil diamond?
- Who's that? - I always wanted to die with Neil diamond.
- Here, find him on the thing. - Oh, let's make a playlist!
I set up cameras to catch her,
but didn't see anything, so I decided to search her room.
Did you find anything?
Well... no,
but that's, uh...
Would you not, please?
Those are expensive. Those are my grandmo...
Mrs. Guernsey,
I understand what you're saying,
but is it true that you also accused Carmen of having
an affair with your husband? I did no such thing.
Are you accusing me of something? Oh, because
if you're insinuating that I did anything other than imply
that she stole from me, I am gonna sue
your ass.
Ok. Well...
Thank you for your time.
We'll be on our way.
- Jimmy, let's go. - Jenna,
can I talk to you in the bathroom?
Mm- Hmm.
Well, this is professional.
Much better.
- What was that? - What was what?
You folded faster than that crappy lawn chair I stole from patio, patio, patio.
We gotta get her to crack.
- We're not cops, Jimmy. - I know what's going on here.
- You don't know what you're doing. - Yes, I do!
Let me get back in there. No one bss a bser at bsing.
- What? - I'll get her to tell the truth.
But this goes against my better judgement. Even impaired,
I would know that this is wrong. Do I have a choice?
No, you're desperate. Give me a chance.
I'll make you proud.
I'm sorry to hear about your sister's sudden attack of feminine problems.
What are you still doing in my house?
I have a few more questions for you.
Aren't you gonna ask me to sit down?
I don't think I am.
Mrs. Guernsey, I think we both know what's what here.
- And what's that? - What's what?
- I don't think I like your tone. - I don't like your lying.
Oh, be very careful, Mr. Engel.
- It's Jimmy, Marguerite. - It's Mrs. Guernsey, Jimmy.
- Oh, is it? - It is.
- What is your problem? - You're my problem.
I'm the least of your problems. You know you're lying
about Carmen. We all know it. You think you're pretty smart?
- I do. - I think you're pretty rude.
Well, I find you snooty
- and frosty. - I find you impertinent.
I find you I don't know what that means.
Jimmy.
Mrs. Guernsey.
Mom.
I have an update about the fake funeral.
It's now a real funeral. I was on the phone with my clients,
and I got a little carried away.
I said you died. No big deal.
You're actually dead,
and I'm officiating.
Will I still get to say a few words?
No. Mom, the funeral is for you.
Well, I still think I should speak.
Well, why don't you just do a little number from cabaret while you're at it?
Are you so determined to steal my thunder?
Your thunder? It's my funeral!
Mom, I gotta show 'em what I can do.
I mean, I do one wedding, people pay a fortune for that.
A few of those, and I can finally get out of this hell-hole.
That's nice.
Mom's fake funeral is on Saturday. Will you come?
- No. - Mark me down for two.
- How'd it go? - Good.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.
So, I'm gonna tell you something,
and when I tell you, I just don't want you to freak out.
- Ok? - Ok.
- I slept with Marguerite. Ah! - What?!
- I'm sorry! It just happened. - Oh, Jimmy, I trusted you!
What happened to you? You were gonna take care of it!
- Well, I took care of it. - Not like that!
I know. Look, I know. I messed up. I totally screwed up.
Ok? I... it's not gonna be that bad, is it?
Oh, no, maybe a girl will just get deported
- and I could lose my license. - So, not that bad.
I couldn't help but listen in. I think you're being very hard on your brother.
- He slept with Marguerite! - You slept with Marguerite?
Who's Marguerite?
Huh. Do you have any idea what we do here during the day?
Yes.
I'm saying I'd like to just rent a casket.
No, no body will be in it. It's a funeral for someone
who's not dead. Hear me out...
People are so closed-minded.
Hello, mommy.
- You have to talk to me. - Jimmy, you are dead to me.
But I went back to her place after I talked to you, and I got something.
- Crabs? - No. Well, maybe.
No, but I got this.
There might be some kind of proof here. She's got one in every room.
That place has got more nanny cams than a place full of... nanny cams.
Every room? Even the maid's room?
Yeah, we did it there too.
I mean, I enjoyed the full tour of the house.
Jurisprudence under the charter of rights and freedoms
recognizes privacy as a fundamental value in our law,
and identifies informational privacy as worthy of protection.
How could she know that but not know how to pump gas?
As much as I hate you
for what you did, I may actually be grateful.
Wait, so you're saying I might have helped?
Yes.
- And can you get her to meet with us? - Jenna,
- I can get her to do anything. - Aw, gross. Nope. Just no.
Jenna...
- I don't want to know. - Anything.
Please go.
I don't know what good you think this is gonna do,
because if you're implying that I've been lying, miss engel,
I can assure you I will sue for slander.
And I promise you my lawyers are a lot pricier than this rinky-dink operation.
Jimmy, would you please show Mrs. Guernsey
- what you found? - This souvenir
from our playtime.
It's a Teddy bear with a camera in the eye.
Did you ever actually see her take the earrings?
No. I mean, yes, I have cameras everywhere, but she could have hidden them.
- Did you have cameras in her room? - Of course.
That's my right as her employer. Actually, it's not. It's illegal.
That's jurisprudence is, um...
Certainly...
One... hot lady who knows...
- The chatter of reason... - Jimmy, very not helpful.
It appears you were the one who committed the crime,
not Carmen. Oh, and we found this
on the tape. Is this your husband?
And are those your earrings?
Yes.
- Uh - Huh.
Oh! That is not my thong.
Oh! Ok, let's just...
How does this...? Ok, let's shut that off.
You know what? Look, I've been a little bit hasty,
but there's no need for anyone to be deported.
Carmen, you can have your job back.
Nice to be home for the holidays. From your friends at honeywell ham.
Enough.
Welcome. Please, help yourself to some snacks.
Mom!
- You can't be here. - Why? No one knows it's me.
Besides, if I'm gonna be dead at my own funeral,
I thought it'd be nice to hear what you have to say about me.
Who are all these people?
Oh, I invited some potential clients.
I'm sorry.
Oh, hey, Max.
- And this must be... - I'm not buying it.
I knocked on the casket. It's empty.
What kind of sick person knocks on a casket?
Mom. They know
the casket is empty. They think I'm a fraud.
I am a fraud.
You are not a fraud.
No one in this family is a fraud.
- Sandy, do you really want this? - I do, mommy.
Then you got it! Clear 'em out.
So, as we say goodbye to ceil,
I'm reminded of the words of corinthians, in which...
somebody... said something that...
Sounded good when he said it, and... something like...
Mix two tablespoons of vanilla...
ok, who put this in here?
Hello?
Did you put out the sandwiches?
Yes. Mom, are you seriously calling from inside the coffin?
It's very spacious in here.
It's like a Japanese apartment. Anybody crying?
- I'm about to. - Good.
And now to say a few words, ceil's youngest daughter,
my sister. Please welcome to the stage Jenna Engel!
Woo! Woo! Jenna!
Yeah!
- Yeah, Jenna! - Mom's dead. Act like she's dead.
Yeah, I know. I just spoke to her.
I love my mom.
She is the type of person who would do...
Anything for her family.
Actually,
if it wasn't for her, I would still be
working a job I hated, working 20-hours days,
living downtown and never seeing my siblings.
I don't know what I would...
What I will do without my mother.
She's my rock.
I don't tell her that often,
but she is the strongest person I know, and
- as self-centered as she is... - Was.
She is the most loving
and most loyal person...
That I've ever met.
And she is surprisingly brilliant at scrabble,
so don't play her, in heaven...
When you get there.
- She's not really dead. - Yeah, but what if she was?
I don't know what I'd do without her.
- I love her so much. - I know. Our mommy.
My babies.
I'm coming.
- I knew it. - These things aren't made to open from the inside.
- I'll never die again. - Ohhh.
I got another client! My friend said
she's never had so much fun at a funeral,
and she wants a funeral for her old self too.
I feel renewed!
You know, I've been wanting to move on,
and I felt a little underwater since your father died,
- so thank you, Sandy. - Thanks, mom.
I'm just so proud of you all.
- I love you kids. - I love you, mommy.
You know, mom, I was thinking, what with
me starting my new life here, giving up everything
that was me, taking over the business,
starting over, it's kind of like the old me died too.
I know, hon.
Get your own funeral.
- Synced and corrected by killianp77 - - www.Addic7ed.com -