1
00:00:00,681 --> 00:00:03,983
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,006 --> 00:00:07,442
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,476 --> 00:00:10,812
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,846 --> 00:00:14,015
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,049 --> 00:00:17,452
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:17,486 --> 00:00:20,755
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,789 --> 00:00:22,323
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:22,358 --> 00:00:23,691
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:23,726 --> 00:00:25,863
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:25,864 --> 00:00:29,864
♪ Family Guy 12x14 ♪
Fresh Heir
Original Air Date on March 23, 2014
11
00:00:29,865 --> 00:00:34,865
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:34,870 --> 00:00:36,204
TV ANNOUNCER:
The Travel Channel presents,
13
00:00:36,238 --> 00:00:38,573
"Backpacking Through Europe
with a Bowlegged Man
14
00:00:38,607 --> 00:00:40,074
in Short Shorts."
15
00:00:40,109 --> 00:00:43,545
Hello. Come, let's see some
beautiful sites together.
16
00:00:43,579 --> 00:00:46,047
Hello, Tree.
Thank you for shade.
17
00:00:46,081 --> 00:00:47,515
Hello, Mountain Cat.
18
00:00:47,550 --> 00:00:50,218
Thank you for controlling
local rat population.
19
00:00:50,252 --> 00:00:51,553
Hello, Windmill.
20
00:00:51,587 --> 00:00:54,255
Thank you for the cheese ride
and ball cooling.
21
00:00:54,290 --> 00:00:56,391
Next week, bullet trains.
22
00:00:56,425 --> 00:00:59,027
Hello...!
23
00:00:59,061 --> 00:01:01,162
Hey, Dad. Are you busy?
24
00:01:01,196 --> 00:01:04,032
I was thinking we could
spend some time together.
25
00:01:04,066 --> 00:01:05,700
Okay, are you a
television set,
26
00:01:05,734 --> 00:01:06,734
or the Internet?
27
00:01:06,769 --> 00:01:07,669
No.
28
00:01:07,703 --> 00:01:09,103
Oh, then no.
No, thank you.
29
00:01:09,138 --> 00:01:10,371
Are you sure?
30
00:01:10,406 --> 00:01:12,173
Cause there's a
three-day weekend coming up
31
00:01:12,207 --> 00:01:14,509
and I thought maybe you and I
can finally go fishing
32
00:01:14,543 --> 00:01:16,010
like we've been
talking about.
33
00:01:16,045 --> 00:01:19,347
Aw, sorry, Chris, I can't.
I got insanity practice.
34
00:01:19,381 --> 00:01:20,615
(yelling hysterically)
35
00:01:20,649 --> 00:01:23,051
Pinwheels! Pinwheels in my head!
36
00:01:23,085 --> 00:01:24,752
Voices! Angry fish!
37
00:01:24,787 --> 00:01:26,454
How's he doing?
Not good.
38
00:01:26,488 --> 00:01:29,157
He still thinks this is
"practice" of some sort.
39
00:01:29,191 --> 00:01:32,126
But you promised
we'd go fishing.
40
00:01:32,161 --> 00:01:35,296
Aw, Chris, I was just
lying to you so you'd go away.
41
00:01:35,331 --> 00:01:38,499
But, if you leave me alone now,
I'll give you a billion dollars.
42
00:01:38,534 --> 00:01:40,602
You've got a deal!
43
00:01:40,636 --> 00:01:42,036
Peter, you know,
i-it might help Chris
44
00:01:42,071 --> 00:01:43,872
to be able to spend
some time with his father.
45
00:01:43,906 --> 00:01:45,440
Well, what's in it
for ol' Pete?
46
00:01:45,474 --> 00:01:46,608
He's your son.
47
00:01:46,642 --> 00:01:48,209
Don't you want someone
to bond with.
48
00:01:48,243 --> 00:01:50,979
No. I only form
unspoken bonds.
49
00:01:51,013 --> 00:01:52,347
(tires screech)
50
00:01:55,484 --> 00:01:59,087
PAT BENATAR (on radio):
♪ Hit me with your best shot
51
00:01:59,121 --> 00:02:00,822
♪ Why don't you hit me
with your best shot? ♪
52
00:02:00,856 --> 00:02:02,156
(increases volume)
53
00:02:02,191 --> 00:02:03,358
♪
54
00:02:03,392 --> 00:02:05,226
♪ Hit me with your best shot
55
00:02:05,260 --> 00:02:06,494
(increases volume)
56
00:02:06,528 --> 00:02:09,063
♪ Fire away...
57
00:02:09,098 --> 00:02:11,265
(increases volume)
58
00:02:11,300 --> 00:02:12,834
♪ You come on
with a "come on"... ♪
59
00:02:16,338 --> 00:02:17,672
O-Okay.
60
00:02:17,706 --> 00:02:19,641
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
61
00:02:19,675 --> 00:02:20,875
You guys, that was my mom.
62
00:02:20,909 --> 00:02:22,677
She said that
Daddy broke his leg.
63
00:02:22,711 --> 00:02:23,778
How?!
64
00:02:23,812 --> 00:02:26,381
A-Apparently, he got hurt
at the mall.
65
00:02:26,415 --> 00:02:28,850
Carter, please stop
doing that.
66
00:02:28,884 --> 00:02:30,785
We need to get you
some new corduroys.
67
00:02:30,819 --> 00:02:33,321
No! None of the other boys
are wearing corduroys!
68
00:02:33,355 --> 00:02:34,656
I want dungarees!
69
00:02:34,690 --> 00:02:36,524
You're going to
get hurt doing that.
70
00:02:36,558 --> 00:02:39,494
No I'm not!
I'm the champ at doing this!
71
00:02:39,528 --> 00:02:41,396
Ow! You jinxed me!
72
00:02:41,430 --> 00:02:42,430
Aw, damn it!
73
00:02:42,464 --> 00:02:43,765
Hey, call that beeping cart
74
00:02:43,799 --> 00:02:45,967
that carries around
the fat black people.
75
00:02:46,001 --> 00:02:48,269
Well, I guess Babs has
her work cut out for her.
76
00:02:48,303 --> 00:02:51,139
Actually, Mom can't take care
of him, she's out of town
77
00:02:51,173 --> 00:02:54,575
doing a photo shoot for the
cover of Veins Magazine.
78
00:02:57,079 --> 00:02:59,247
So, are you gonna go
take care of him, Mom?
79
00:02:59,281 --> 00:03:02,283
I can't go. I've got to go get
my hair very minutely changed
80
00:03:02,317 --> 00:03:05,687
and then spend the next 14 hours
trying to get people to notice.
81
00:03:07,990 --> 00:03:09,123
Well...?
82
00:03:09,158 --> 00:03:11,025
Lois, move.
You're blocking the TV.
83
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:13,161
(laughs)
What do you think?
84
00:03:13,195 --> 00:03:14,796
I think you're
blocking the TV.
85
00:03:14,830 --> 00:03:17,532
Peter, i-is there anything
you want to say to me?
86
00:03:17,566 --> 00:03:18,733
(sighs)
87
00:03:18,767 --> 00:03:20,868
All right.
Amy at work kissed me.
88
00:03:20,903 --> 00:03:23,037
It is true
that I did not step away,
89
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:24,338
but I did not lean in.
90
00:03:24,373 --> 00:03:25,840
However, in my defense,
91
00:03:25,874 --> 00:03:28,309
she had recently gotten
her hair done differently.
92
00:03:28,343 --> 00:03:31,212
I was actually thinking that
maybe you could go help Daddy.
93
00:03:31,246 --> 00:03:32,580
Well, not me, Mom.
94
00:03:32,614 --> 00:03:33,981
Last time I was
at Grandpa's,
95
00:03:34,016 --> 00:03:36,517
I beat him at checkers and he
punched one of my hogans.
96
00:03:36,552 --> 00:03:37,652
Well, what about Chris?
97
00:03:37,686 --> 00:03:39,520
Wai-Wait, where is Chris?
98
00:03:39,555 --> 00:03:40,888
He's upstairs
in his room.
99
00:03:40,923 --> 00:03:42,690
That's odd.
He never misses a meal.
100
00:03:42,725 --> 00:03:44,225
I-I better go check on him.
101
00:03:44,259 --> 00:03:45,426
Yeah, good idea.
102
00:03:45,461 --> 00:03:48,096
I better check on my
hairless twin in the storm shed.
103
00:03:50,199 --> 00:03:52,800
Close the door,
the moonlight burns!
104
00:03:52,835 --> 00:03:55,203
It's almost Christmas.
It's almost Christmas.
105
00:03:55,237 --> 00:03:56,537
Christmas?!
106
00:03:56,572 --> 00:03:57,939
Yes. Keep being good
107
00:03:57,973 --> 00:04:00,942
and all the eggshells and
coffee grounds will be yours.
108
00:04:00,976 --> 00:04:02,777
Can I meet the family?
109
00:04:02,811 --> 00:04:04,779
You've overstepped!
No Christmas!
110
00:04:04,813 --> 00:04:06,047
(door slams shut)
111
00:04:08,417 --> 00:04:10,384
Hey, Chris. Are you okay?
112
00:04:10,419 --> 00:04:12,820
Holy crap, it smells
like farts in here.
113
00:04:12,855 --> 00:04:14,555
Those are my farts.
114
00:04:14,590 --> 00:04:17,225
Why doesn't Dad ever
want to spend time with me?
115
00:04:17,259 --> 00:04:18,726
Chris, come here.
116
00:04:19,762 --> 00:04:20,795
Sit down.
117
00:04:20,829 --> 00:04:22,830
You know I love you,
right, sweetie?
118
00:04:22,865 --> 00:04:25,266
Mom... not in front
of my posters.
119
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:27,235
And your father
loves you, too.
120
00:04:27,269 --> 00:04:30,104
He just has trouble
expressing his emotions.
121
00:04:30,139 --> 00:04:32,039
PETER:
I love Mike & Molly!
122
00:04:32,074 --> 00:04:34,609
I love Mike
and I also love Molly!
123
00:04:34,643 --> 00:04:36,811
And I don't care
who knows it!
124
00:04:36,845 --> 00:04:39,113
You know, Chris,
you've got a grandpa
125
00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:40,782
who could use
your help right now.
126
00:04:40,816 --> 00:04:43,451
I'm sure he'd enjoy
spending time with you.
127
00:04:43,485 --> 00:04:45,586
Okay... I'll give
it a shot.
128
00:04:48,190 --> 00:04:49,751
You're not gonna
kill yourself, are you?
129
00:04:49,758 --> 00:04:52,260
That would be a severe black
mark on my record as a mom.
130
00:04:52,294 --> 00:04:55,763
Oh, I'd have to make up stories
of a severe mental illness.
131
00:04:55,798 --> 00:04:58,466
Make is seem a miracle
you made it this long.
132
00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:00,802
I could do that.
133
00:05:04,673 --> 00:05:06,407
Sucks about your leg, Grandpa.
134
00:05:06,441 --> 00:05:07,842
How you been doin'?
135
00:05:07,876 --> 00:05:09,677
Well, let me tell you,
this is awful.
136
00:05:09,711 --> 00:05:10,978
I-I'm so bored.
137
00:05:11,013 --> 00:05:13,181
I can't sleep,
I-I just have to lie here
138
00:05:13,215 --> 00:05:15,049
and wait for my
stupid leg to heal.
139
00:05:15,083 --> 00:05:16,951
Oh, I'm really
sorry, Grandpa.
140
00:05:16,985 --> 00:05:19,220
And the worst part about it,
is I can't have sex.
141
00:05:19,254 --> 00:05:22,056
God! I wish there was a way
I could just do it myself.
142
00:05:22,090 --> 00:05:24,992
You know, just-just to be done
and napping within four minutes.
143
00:05:25,027 --> 00:05:28,229
Let me show you something.
144
00:05:28,263 --> 00:05:31,933
That... was... amazing!
145
00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:34,235
And Lynda Carter
wasn't actually here?
146
00:05:34,269 --> 00:05:36,237
No! That was just
in your mind.
147
00:05:36,271 --> 00:05:37,405
Incredible!
148
00:05:37,439 --> 00:05:38,539
So-So you can do that like,
149
00:05:38,574 --> 00:05:40,074
wh-what, once a year
or something?
150
00:05:40,108 --> 00:05:41,642
No. You can do it basically
151
00:05:41,677 --> 00:05:43,311
whenever you're not
doing something else.
152
00:05:43,345 --> 00:05:44,645
Cool!
153
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:46,848
Hey, next time I want to
try it with my hand.
154
00:05:48,750 --> 00:05:51,485
Hey, Grandpa.
What should we do now?
155
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:52,887
You wanna order a pizza?
156
00:05:52,921 --> 00:05:54,355
Well, that doesn't sound
very exciting.
157
00:05:54,389 --> 00:05:57,558
But now you can
follow your order online!
158
00:05:57,593 --> 00:05:58,759
(keyboard clicking)
159
00:05:58,794 --> 00:05:59,660
There it is.
It's on Van Buren!
160
00:05:59,695 --> 00:06:00,995
Oh. Oh. He's almost here!
161
00:06:01,029 --> 00:06:03,965
Wow, he's really fast.
Hey, I got an idea,
162
00:06:03,999 --> 00:06:06,300
let's put in two different
orders and have 'em race!
163
00:06:06,335 --> 00:06:08,536
(gasps) You think it'll
crash the system?
164
00:06:08,570 --> 00:06:10,438
Only one way to find out.
(keyboard clicking)
165
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,608
Here's your pizza.
That's $16.50.
166
00:06:13,642 --> 00:06:15,243
We were playing
a game with you.
167
00:06:15,277 --> 00:06:17,078
That's what you are.
You're a clown.
168
00:06:17,112 --> 00:06:18,546
Are you gonna
pay for the pizza?
169
00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:21,015
Yes. Your money is in
this pile of mashed potatoes.
170
00:06:21,049 --> 00:06:23,784
Eat your way out. No hands.
171
00:06:23,819 --> 00:06:25,620
(munching, moaning)
172
00:06:25,654 --> 00:06:28,422
This is fun, Chris.
I like hanging out with you.
173
00:06:28,457 --> 00:06:30,291
Don't look up.
You're not a part of this.
174
00:06:30,325 --> 00:06:32,059
♪
175
00:06:34,463 --> 00:06:36,430
It's sounding really
good, Grandpa.
176
00:06:36,465 --> 00:06:37,899
I know, I know.
177
00:06:37,933 --> 00:06:38,933
Sorry I'm late.
178
00:06:38,967 --> 00:06:40,902
Look, Jason, are you
taking this seriously?
179
00:06:40,936 --> 00:06:42,670
Because Chris and I
take this seriously.
180
00:06:42,704 --> 00:06:44,906
You know, if you're not
gonna show up to rehearsal,
181
00:06:44,940 --> 00:06:46,741
we'll find someone else
who will, all right?
182
00:06:46,775 --> 00:06:49,377
We want to get some paying gigs!
Sorry. Geez.
183
00:06:49,411 --> 00:06:52,947
Remember, this is about writing music
that means something to us!
184
00:06:52,981 --> 00:06:55,883
Okay, from the top.
185
00:06:55,918 --> 00:06:57,818
♪ Halls Mentho-lyptus
186
00:06:57,853 --> 00:07:00,087
♪ You can feel it
in your nose ♪
187
00:07:00,122 --> 00:07:02,857
♪ That's how you know
it's a medicated cough drop ♪
188
00:07:02,891 --> 00:07:04,792
♪ And not just a candy.
189
00:07:04,826 --> 00:07:07,094
Hey, can we play
one of my songs?
190
00:07:07,129 --> 00:07:10,097
No! No one wants to hear
your stupid songs about nothing!
191
00:07:10,132 --> 00:07:14,201
Now, let's play "I Fell in the Shower,
So Maybe We Do Need That Bar."
192
00:07:14,236 --> 00:07:15,903
Five, six,
seven, eight!
193
00:07:18,974 --> 00:07:20,975
Listen, Chris, I really
want to thank you
194
00:07:21,009 --> 00:07:23,844
for coming to take care of me
and helping me get well again.
195
00:07:23,879 --> 00:07:26,113
Oh, it was no big deal.
Well, it is to me,
196
00:07:26,148 --> 00:07:28,582
and I want to give you some
money for all your time.
197
00:07:28,617 --> 00:07:30,284
Come on, y-you don't
have to do that.
198
00:07:30,319 --> 00:07:33,421
I just like getting to spend time
with my grandpa, you know?
199
00:07:33,455 --> 00:07:35,690
I... Wait, wait, what?
200
00:07:35,724 --> 00:07:37,692
You're... you're not
gonna take the money?
201
00:07:37,726 --> 00:07:39,593
No, I don't want
your money.
202
00:07:39,628 --> 00:07:41,529
I had fun
hanging out with you.
203
00:07:41,563 --> 00:07:43,431
Well, all right, then.
204
00:07:43,465 --> 00:07:45,232
Hey, Grandpa,
check it out.
205
00:07:45,267 --> 00:07:46,834
When I make
my elbow like this,
206
00:07:46,868 --> 00:07:49,136
it looks like
women's private parts!
207
00:07:49,171 --> 00:07:52,139
(laughs): Oh, Chris! You just
have a way of looking at things
208
00:07:52,174 --> 00:07:54,075
that's delightfully fresh!
209
00:07:56,044 --> 00:07:58,646
(both laughing)
210
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,414
We're not supposed
to be doing this.
211
00:08:00,449 --> 00:08:02,717
I bet we're not supposed
to be doing this.
212
00:08:03,986 --> 00:08:05,953
Daddy!
You're all better!
213
00:08:05,988 --> 00:08:06,838
That's right, pumpkin.
214
00:08:06,863 --> 00:08:08,756
And I have an important
announcement to make.
215
00:08:08,757 --> 00:08:11,325
I have decided
to change my will,
216
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,294
and name
my grandson Chris
217
00:08:13,328 --> 00:08:15,763
the sole heir
to the Pewterschmidt fortune.
218
00:08:15,797 --> 00:08:17,365
You what?
What? Oh, my!
219
00:08:17,399 --> 00:08:18,733
(clattering in distance)
220
00:08:18,767 --> 00:08:21,902
Oh, no!
My hairless twin got out!
221
00:08:22,938 --> 00:08:24,805
(gunshot)
222
00:08:26,074 --> 00:08:27,308
Hello, family.
223
00:08:27,342 --> 00:08:30,277
Let's eat all
the garbage we want.
224
00:08:34,532 --> 00:08:37,801
Daddy, you're seriously leaving
your entire estate to Chris?
225
00:08:37,836 --> 00:08:39,837
I-I mean,
what about Mom?
226
00:08:39,871 --> 00:08:42,606
I promise she'll be dead
before I am. I promise.
227
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,742
But, Grandpa, I don't
even want the money.
228
00:08:44,776 --> 00:08:47,211
See? This is exactly
why you should get it!
229
00:08:47,245 --> 00:08:48,378
So refreshing!
230
00:08:48,413 --> 00:08:50,114
Well, I-I don't
want it, either.
231
00:08:50,148 --> 00:08:51,682
Good, 'cause
you're not getting it.
232
00:08:51,716 --> 00:08:53,183
Come on, what
are you doing?
233
00:08:53,218 --> 00:08:55,385
Listen, Carter, you take
me out of your will,
234
00:08:55,420 --> 00:08:57,454
I'm taking you
out of mine.
235
00:08:57,489 --> 00:09:00,424
Peter, that wasn't your will,
that was your birth certificate.
236
00:09:00,458 --> 00:09:01,525
Oh, no!
237
00:09:01,559 --> 00:09:02,726
(gasps)
238
00:09:02,761 --> 00:09:04,094
There's no light!
239
00:09:04,129 --> 00:09:05,929
There's only fire!
240
00:09:05,964 --> 00:09:08,665
Look, Carter, I suppose you're
entitled to do what you want,
241
00:09:08,700 --> 00:09:11,135
but, you know, I'm just
saying, if it were me,
242
00:09:11,169 --> 00:09:13,237
I would give all the
money to charity.
243
00:09:13,271 --> 00:09:14,438
Oh, yeah?
Which charity?
244
00:09:14,472 --> 00:09:15,906
Well, there are
just so many
245
00:09:15,940 --> 00:09:17,641
that do such
great work.
246
00:09:17,675 --> 00:09:18,876
Name just one.
247
00:09:18,910 --> 00:09:20,711
Um... well,
you know...
248
00:09:20,745 --> 00:09:23,380
Poor... Green...
249
00:09:23,414 --> 00:09:25,115
Whale... Guns...
250
00:09:25,150 --> 00:09:26,350
Books?
251
00:09:26,384 --> 00:09:28,485
You are
such a fraud.
252
00:09:28,487 --> 00:09:31,688
Why won't anyone help us?!
253
00:09:36,161 --> 00:09:38,195
What the hell?
I can't believe your dad's
254
00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:39,730
giving all his cash
to Chris!
255
00:09:39,764 --> 00:09:42,432
I know it's strange,
but in the end it's his money,
256
00:09:42,467 --> 00:09:44,034
so who really cares?
257
00:09:44,068 --> 00:09:45,602
Well, yeah, but...
258
00:09:45,637 --> 00:09:47,171
But what?
259
00:09:47,205 --> 00:09:50,207
Peter... did you marry
me for my money?
260
00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:52,609
Of course not, Lois,
but even you can't deny
261
00:09:52,644 --> 00:09:54,812
it was always gonna
be a huge perk.
262
00:09:54,846 --> 00:09:57,781
D-Did I use that right? Perk?
Yes, Peter.
263
00:09:57,816 --> 00:09:59,814
Yeah, I thought so,
but then it just sounded
264
00:09:59,839 --> 00:10:01,218
kind of weird when I said it.
265
00:10:01,219 --> 00:10:02,486
It was fine.
Thanks.
266
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,389
Anyway, I don't plan on losing out
on any of that money.
267
00:10:05,423 --> 00:10:08,659
So if you ask me, we got to start
sucking up to Chris right away.
268
00:10:08,693 --> 00:10:10,594
What? Wh-What are
you talking about?
269
00:10:10,628 --> 00:10:12,462
I'm talking about
brownnosing Chris
270
00:10:12,497 --> 00:10:14,464
and getting on
his good side perk.
271
00:10:14,499 --> 00:10:16,266
No, that's wrong.
No "perk."
272
00:10:16,301 --> 00:10:19,236
Okay, my bad. But I've been
counting on that money, Lois.
273
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:21,638
It's always been critical
to my master plan.
274
00:10:21,673 --> 00:10:23,106
What master plan?
275
00:10:23,141 --> 00:10:25,342
Look, I never
told you this, but...
276
00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:28,512
for years now, I've been
planning on retiring at 45
277
00:10:28,546 --> 00:10:32,182
so I can work on finding a cure for
Ballzheimers disease.
278
00:10:33,218 --> 00:10:34,718
Peter, are
those testicles?
279
00:10:34,752 --> 00:10:36,320
Wh-where did
you get those?
280
00:10:36,354 --> 00:10:38,789
(crying):
I don't remember!
281
00:10:42,327 --> 00:10:44,862
Hey, hey, there he is!
282
00:10:44,896 --> 00:10:47,764
Oh, boy, hot dogs and
Nintendo, huh, Chris?
283
00:10:47,799 --> 00:10:49,967
Dad, what are you doing?
What's going on?
284
00:10:50,001 --> 00:10:51,134
(laughs)
285
00:10:51,169 --> 00:10:52,302
Good one, Chris!
286
00:10:52,337 --> 00:10:53,303
(laughing)
287
00:10:53,338 --> 00:10:55,138
Good one!
Why are you dressed like that?
288
00:10:55,173 --> 00:10:56,840
I don't know. I-I
just kind of felt
289
00:10:56,875 --> 00:10:58,342
like this is what
cool people wear.
290
00:10:58,376 --> 00:11:00,878
Hey, hey, Chris, how about you
and me do a secret handshake
291
00:11:00,912 --> 00:11:02,980
that has way too many steps
to remember, all right?
292
00:11:03,014 --> 00:11:05,782
Okay. Shake, bump, bump,
slap, pinky hook,
293
00:11:05,817 --> 00:11:08,418
pretend to slick your hair back,
represent, bump,
294
00:11:08,453 --> 00:11:10,320
one spin, slap high, slap low,
295
00:11:10,355 --> 00:11:12,923
reverse spin, bump, explode,
shake, belly rub,
296
00:11:12,957 --> 00:11:15,392
fake yawn, finger gun,
hitchhiker, hitchhiker,
297
00:11:15,426 --> 00:11:17,694
shimmy shimmy sham sham,
shake, shake, shake, bump,
298
00:11:17,729 --> 00:11:19,296
something smells
and shake again.
299
00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:21,632
Okay, ready?
300
00:11:22,667 --> 00:11:24,635
Oh, my God, it's nighttime.
301
00:11:27,138 --> 00:11:30,507
MAN (on TV): We now return to the director's
cut of Mission: Impossible 5,
302
00:11:30,541 --> 00:11:33,076
with the step stools
not edited out.
303
00:11:33,111 --> 00:11:35,612
You're coming with me because
I'm definitely over six feet,
304
00:11:35,647 --> 00:11:37,114
and you're not handsome.
305
00:11:37,148 --> 00:11:38,849
Hey, Chris, hey,
you remember that kid
306
00:11:38,883 --> 00:11:40,517
you said was bullying
you at school?
307
00:11:40,551 --> 00:11:41,652
Well, here's his head!
308
00:11:41,686 --> 00:11:42,786
(screaming)
309
00:11:42,820 --> 00:11:44,154
That's not even him!
310
00:11:44,188 --> 00:11:45,689
That's the deaf kid!
311
00:11:45,723 --> 00:11:47,624
Oh, that was
sign language.
312
00:11:47,659 --> 00:11:49,626
I thought he was
trying to defend himself
313
00:11:49,661 --> 00:11:51,361
with terrible karate.
314
00:11:53,631 --> 00:11:57,567
Chris, I want to share with you
a timeworn father/son tradition.
315
00:11:57,602 --> 00:11:59,469
I am gonna show you
a film comedy
316
00:11:59,504 --> 00:12:01,705
from my youth
that won't hold up.
317
00:12:01,739 --> 00:12:04,241
Welcome to the classic comedy,
Meatballs.
318
00:12:04,275 --> 00:12:05,642
Oh, that sounds great.
319
00:12:05,677 --> 00:12:07,678
Is it about a pasta
factory or something?
320
00:12:07,712 --> 00:12:09,079
No, that's part of the joke.
321
00:12:09,113 --> 00:12:10,447
Who's the guy?
322
00:12:10,481 --> 00:12:12,416
That's not a guy.
That's the hot chick!
323
00:12:12,450 --> 00:12:13,750
Where are her boobs?
324
00:12:13,785 --> 00:12:15,652
Flat with a decent face
was the best
325
00:12:15,687 --> 00:12:16,853
we could hope for back then.
326
00:12:16,888 --> 00:12:19,089
Miley Cyrus had sex
with a foam finger
327
00:12:19,123 --> 00:12:21,224
at, like, 6:00 p.m.
Central Time.
328
00:12:21,259 --> 00:12:23,427
This movie has a canoe
that slowly sinks.
329
00:12:23,461 --> 00:12:25,295
All right, you know what?
Forget it!
330
00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:28,131
I'm just gonna take my VCR,
my VCR head-cleaning tape,
331
00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:31,034
my VCR head-cleaning spray,
my head-cleaning rag,
332
00:12:31,069 --> 00:12:33,971
and my rewinder, and just
get the hell out of here.
333
00:12:38,176 --> 00:12:40,410
MAN (on TV):
We now return to At the Movies
334
00:12:40,445 --> 00:12:43,113
With Two Guys Who Watch
the Films On Their iPhones.
335
00:12:43,147 --> 00:12:44,581
Good evening.
First off, we're going
336
00:12:44,615 --> 00:12:46,335
to review Paul Greengrass'
Captain Phillips.
337
00:12:46,351 --> 00:12:47,918
What did you think, Bill?
338
00:12:47,952 --> 00:12:49,419
Well, it got off
to a great start,
339
00:12:49,454 --> 00:12:51,822
but when it was my turn
to play Words With Friends,
340
00:12:51,856 --> 00:12:53,156
it really took
me out of it.
341
00:12:53,191 --> 00:12:54,758
Well, that's a shame,
because visually...
342
00:12:54,792 --> 00:12:56,893
(phone whooshes)
Ooh!
343
00:12:56,928 --> 00:13:00,764
ANNOUNCER: When we come back, the guys
will review American Hustle.
344
00:13:00,798 --> 00:13:02,232
Hmm?
345
00:13:02,266 --> 00:13:03,934
Hey, you guys.
346
00:13:03,968 --> 00:13:05,402
Geez, Peter,
you look exhausted.
347
00:13:05,436 --> 00:13:07,604
Ugh, I am. I've
been busting my ass
348
00:13:07,638 --> 00:13:09,940
for the last week trying
to suck up to Chris.
349
00:13:09,974 --> 00:13:11,608
To Chris?
What the hell for?
350
00:13:11,642 --> 00:13:12,876
Well, Carter
kind of decided
351
00:13:12,910 --> 00:13:14,745
he's gonna leave all
his money to Chris.
352
00:13:14,779 --> 00:13:16,913
So, I've been trying to
get on his good side.
353
00:13:16,948 --> 00:13:18,849
I even cleaned his room
for him the other day.
354
00:13:18,883 --> 00:13:20,550
Wish I hadn't done that.
355
00:13:21,586 --> 00:13:23,987
Chris, our
bath is ready.
356
00:13:24,022 --> 00:13:25,822
I... uh...
357
00:13:25,857 --> 00:13:27,924
I don't... I don't know
what to do now.
358
00:13:27,959 --> 00:13:30,160
I... I don't have
the parenting skills necessary
359
00:13:30,194 --> 00:13:31,361
to deal with this.
360
00:13:31,396 --> 00:13:33,296
I say we never
speak of this again.
361
00:13:33,331 --> 00:13:35,532
I... I might move.
362
00:13:35,566 --> 00:13:37,567
You know what?
I say, good for Chris
363
00:13:37,602 --> 00:13:39,970
and whatever lucky girl
he ends up marrying.
364
00:13:40,004 --> 00:13:42,406
Yeah, or lucky guy,
if he ends up being gay.
365
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:43,974
Lucky guy?
366
00:13:44,008 --> 00:13:45,542
Wait a minute.
367
00:13:45,576 --> 00:13:47,677
You guys just gave me an idea!
368
00:13:47,712 --> 00:13:49,046
(playing tuba)
369
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,213
(laughs)
370
00:13:50,248 --> 00:13:52,649
What's he doing up there?
He's a cat!
371
00:13:52,683 --> 00:13:55,652
He can't play no tuba!
372
00:13:55,686 --> 00:13:57,020
No, wait!
373
00:13:57,055 --> 00:13:59,289
Actually, you guys
gave me two ideas!
374
00:13:59,323 --> 00:14:00,690
(snoring)
375
00:14:00,725 --> 00:14:04,795
Mumbling while I sleep
to indicate dream content.
376
00:14:04,829 --> 00:14:06,263
Chris, Chris, wake up.
377
00:14:06,297 --> 00:14:08,398
I have something very
important to ask you.
378
00:14:08,433 --> 00:14:11,635
Chris, there comes a time when
every man looks at his son
379
00:14:11,669 --> 00:14:15,672
and thinks, "I want to take
this to the next level."
380
00:14:17,775 --> 00:14:21,278
Chris Griffin...
will you marry me?
381
00:14:21,312 --> 00:14:24,648
What?! Is it even legal
for a man to marry his son?
382
00:14:24,682 --> 00:14:26,083
It is in Vermont.
383
00:14:26,117 --> 00:14:28,185
As long as it's a man and a
man, anything goes up there.
384
00:14:28,219 --> 00:14:30,087
They're a bunch of
liberal degenerates.
385
00:14:30,121 --> 00:14:32,022
I don't know.
It seems really weird.
386
00:14:32,056 --> 00:14:34,257
I mean, aren't men
supposed to marry women?
387
00:14:34,292 --> 00:14:36,927
No, no, no, that's just
all of human history
388
00:14:36,961 --> 00:14:38,562
except for the
last five months.
389
00:14:38,596 --> 00:14:40,163
We'll just be
like best pals.
390
00:14:40,198 --> 00:14:41,765
And besides, there's
plenty of people
391
00:14:41,799 --> 00:14:43,467
who are married
and don't have sex.
392
00:14:43,501 --> 00:14:45,068
Like Will Smith
and that pit bull.
393
00:14:45,103 --> 00:14:47,003
Why do you even
want to marry me?
394
00:14:47,038 --> 00:14:49,372
It's time to settle down
and simplify things,
395
00:14:49,407 --> 00:14:52,175
like maybe having one ATM
card and one bank account.
396
00:14:52,210 --> 00:14:53,643
Say, yours.
397
00:14:53,678 --> 00:14:56,646
Oh. I get it.
398
00:14:56,681 --> 00:14:58,281
So, what do you say?
399
00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:02,419
When you're married, you get
to spend all your time together,
400
00:15:02,453 --> 00:15:05,288
doing things like playing catch
and going fishing, right?
401
00:15:05,323 --> 00:15:07,324
Well, the best marriages
give each other space,
402
00:15:07,358 --> 00:15:08,558
but, yes, Chris.
403
00:15:08,593 --> 00:15:11,228
Then, yes, I will
marry you, Dad!
404
00:15:11,262 --> 00:15:13,697
Oh, that's
wonderful news!
405
00:15:13,731 --> 00:15:16,066
You should know this
ring is very special.
406
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:18,034
It used to belong
to your mother.
407
00:15:18,069 --> 00:15:20,036
Wait. What about Mom?
408
00:15:20,071 --> 00:15:21,905
I'm afraid that's
over, Chris.
409
00:15:21,939 --> 00:15:23,106
Lois, wake up.
410
00:15:23,141 --> 00:15:25,208
I need you to sign
this legal document.
411
00:15:25,243 --> 00:15:27,110
Huh? Wha-What is this?
412
00:15:27,145 --> 00:15:29,246
It's a petition
to force that hot mom
413
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:31,414
to wear something appropriate
at PTA meetings.
414
00:15:31,449 --> 00:15:33,316
Oh, thank God.
415
00:15:36,754 --> 00:15:38,722
(cans rattling, tires squeaking)
416
00:15:38,756 --> 00:15:40,757
(engine revving)
417
00:15:44,028 --> 00:15:45,695
No, Dad.
418
00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:48,131
I don't know
what normal is anymore.
419
00:15:56,945 --> 00:15:59,680
So now you know my complete
sexual history, Chris.
420
00:15:59,714 --> 00:16:03,217
Wow. I'm surprised you got
fooled by a bear in a wig.
421
00:16:03,251 --> 00:16:05,485
It wasn't a wig,
it was a hair system.
422
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:06,920
Well, whatever.
423
00:16:06,955 --> 00:16:08,789
Why do we have
all these appointments?
424
00:16:08,823 --> 00:16:10,757
Wedding DJ, florist.
425
00:16:10,792 --> 00:16:13,560
Because, Chris, it takes time
to plan a perfect wedding.
426
00:16:13,595 --> 00:16:15,229
You don't want
to jump the gun.
427
00:16:15,263 --> 00:16:17,698
You know, like when you
respond to a text too quickly.
428
00:16:17,732 --> 00:16:21,068
(whooshing)
429
00:16:23,338 --> 00:16:25,339
(whooshing)
430
00:16:31,379 --> 00:16:33,580
So, should we get started
with your bridal registry?
431
00:16:33,615 --> 00:16:35,549
Yeah, um, I'd like
to furnish my kitchen
432
00:16:35,583 --> 00:16:37,751
as if I'm the greatest
chef in the world,
433
00:16:37,785 --> 00:16:39,019
even though I've
never cooked before.
434
00:16:39,053 --> 00:16:40,621
That's what we do!
Okay, great.
435
00:16:40,655 --> 00:16:42,522
All right, we'll start
with the nine grand
436
00:16:42,557 --> 00:16:44,858
in copper-bottom
cookware.
437
00:16:49,364 --> 00:16:51,665
Holy wack-a-zoly!
438
00:16:51,699 --> 00:16:53,000
Dad!
What?
439
00:16:53,034 --> 00:16:55,335
Don't "what" me.
You know what you did.
440
00:16:55,370 --> 00:16:58,338
Hey, I may be your husband and
your dad, but I'm still a man.
441
00:17:01,843 --> 00:17:04,211
Yeah, we're looking to plan our
post-wedding Sunday breakfast.
442
00:17:04,245 --> 00:17:05,979
You know,
when everyone's sick of us.
443
00:17:06,014 --> 00:17:07,180
Of course.
444
00:17:07,215 --> 00:17:09,283
Excellent. Do you have
a table for the couple
445
00:17:09,317 --> 00:17:11,618
that barely made it through
the weekend without breaking up?
446
00:17:11,653 --> 00:17:13,387
Absolutely. Can I put
them near the couple
447
00:17:13,421 --> 00:17:15,555
that hooked up drunk and now
have to make awkward small talk
448
00:17:15,590 --> 00:17:17,110
until their cab to
the airport arrives?
449
00:17:17,125 --> 00:17:18,558
Sure. And maybe
they could go next
450
00:17:18,593 --> 00:17:20,060
to the vastly-underdressed
cousin
451
00:17:20,094 --> 00:17:21,862
who thinks
the world revolves around him?
452
00:17:21,896 --> 00:17:23,397
I have just the spot.
453
00:17:23,431 --> 00:17:24,731
Will there be a
physically-frail,
454
00:17:24,766 --> 00:17:25,899
fall-down uncle?
455
00:17:25,933 --> 00:17:27,768
Indeed. And we'd like
to have him walk
456
00:17:27,802 --> 00:17:29,136
through a maze
of chair legs.
457
00:17:29,170 --> 00:17:30,470
Anything else?
Yes.
458
00:17:30,505 --> 00:17:31,905
We did invite
a black couple.
459
00:17:31,939 --> 00:17:34,241
Um, even though we only met them
three months ago,
460
00:17:34,275 --> 00:17:36,276
but we would like them
to be prominently featured
461
00:17:36,311 --> 00:17:39,179
to let the other guests know how
tolerant and wonderful we are.
462
00:17:43,184 --> 00:17:45,118
I'm excited for
your first dance.
463
00:17:45,153 --> 00:17:46,820
And now we're
ready to add music.
464
00:17:46,854 --> 00:17:48,021
What's your song?
465
00:17:48,056 --> 00:17:49,923
You know, I've given it
a lot of thought,
466
00:17:49,957 --> 00:17:52,092
and I went with the most
romantic song ever,
467
00:17:52,126 --> 00:17:55,595
"Stars And Stripes Forever"
by John Philip Sousa.
468
00:17:55,630 --> 00:17:56,697
♪
469
00:17:56,731 --> 00:17:57,964
March! March!
March! March!
470
00:17:57,999 --> 00:17:59,733
Can you feel the
soldiers, Chris?
471
00:17:59,767 --> 00:18:01,101
So many have fallen.
472
00:18:01,135 --> 00:18:02,769
And this is why
they were fighting.
473
00:18:02,804 --> 00:18:04,604
For a man to marry his son
474
00:18:04,639 --> 00:18:06,106
in a state with
enough trees around
475
00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:08,175
that nobody can
see what's going on.
476
00:18:09,477 --> 00:18:12,279
(organ plays gentle melody)
477
00:18:14,315 --> 00:18:16,483
It was nice of the
guests at the cat funeral
478
00:18:16,517 --> 00:18:17,851
to stay for our wedding.
479
00:18:17,885 --> 00:18:19,586
Yeah, and I bet
you're especially happy
480
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:21,221
we're getting married
on a Thursday.
481
00:18:21,255 --> 00:18:22,989
School, yuck, right?!
482
00:18:23,024 --> 00:18:25,258
Welcome, friends, loved ones,
483
00:18:25,293 --> 00:18:27,928
and people who are waiting
for the 3:00 check-in time
484
00:18:27,962 --> 00:18:29,096
with nothing better to do.
485
00:18:29,130 --> 00:18:30,897
Just let us put
our bags in there.
486
00:18:30,932 --> 00:18:33,266
I'm literally gonna
grab my shorts and leave.
487
00:18:33,301 --> 00:18:37,304
I understand the two of you
have written your own vows?
488
00:18:37,338 --> 00:18:39,106
Chris, to express my love,
489
00:18:39,140 --> 00:18:42,175
I turn to the words of the only
poet that blue collar,
490
00:18:42,210 --> 00:18:45,812
New England scumbags
like me know: Robert Frost.
491
00:18:45,847 --> 00:18:48,749
"Two roads diverged
in a wood, and I...
492
00:18:48,783 --> 00:18:51,385
I took the one less traveled."
493
00:18:51,419 --> 00:18:53,820
Now, I ain't no scholar,
but if that's not a metaphor
494
00:18:53,855 --> 00:18:56,223
for major-league butt stuff,
I don't know what is.
495
00:18:56,257 --> 00:18:57,891
Thank you. Chris?
496
00:18:57,925 --> 00:18:59,659
LOIS:
Stop the wedding!
497
00:19:00,995 --> 00:19:03,263
Lois! How did you
find out about this?
498
00:19:03,297 --> 00:19:04,965
Peter, several people
have called the police
499
00:19:04,999 --> 00:19:06,466
about a man marrying his son.
500
00:19:06,501 --> 00:19:07,901
It's not normal!
501
00:19:07,935 --> 00:19:10,404
Peter? Peter
Griffin?
502
00:19:10,438 --> 00:19:12,339
Oh, God.
503
00:19:12,373 --> 00:19:13,974
Is everyone
from your past here
504
00:19:14,008 --> 00:19:15,776
to walk you down
the aisle?!
505
00:19:15,810 --> 00:19:17,244
Peter, you
cannot do this!
506
00:19:17,278 --> 00:19:19,146
You cannot
marry your son!
507
00:19:19,180 --> 00:19:21,114
I don't care how much
money Daddy's left him.
508
00:19:21,149 --> 00:19:22,716
Don't listen
to your mother, Chris.
509
00:19:22,750 --> 00:19:24,384
It's 'cause of her
we have bedtimes!
510
00:19:24,419 --> 00:19:26,353
Chris, come on,
we're going home!
511
00:19:26,387 --> 00:19:28,054
He can't make
you do this.
512
00:19:28,089 --> 00:19:30,123
But, Mom,
I want to do this.
513
00:19:30,158 --> 00:19:31,458
What?
514
00:19:31,492 --> 00:19:35,162
I know he's marrying me
for my money, but I don't care.
515
00:19:35,196 --> 00:19:37,931
Dad and I spent more time
together planning this wedding
516
00:19:37,965 --> 00:19:39,566
than we ever have before.
517
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,101
And if being married means
518
00:19:41,135 --> 00:19:45,205
I get to spend even more time
with my dad, then it's worth it.
519
00:19:45,239 --> 00:19:49,576
Wait. You knew all along I
just wanted you for your money?
520
00:19:49,610 --> 00:19:52,012
Yeah, Dad, I did.
521
00:19:52,046 --> 00:19:54,147
Wow.
522
00:19:54,182 --> 00:19:56,716
Oh, boy, I've
been a real jerk.
523
00:19:56,751 --> 00:19:58,218
I'm sorry, Chris.
524
00:19:58,252 --> 00:19:59,820
But you know what?
525
00:19:59,854 --> 00:20:02,189
I'm gonna make it up to
you, starting right now.
526
00:20:02,223 --> 00:20:05,592
Chris Griffin...
will you be my son?
527
00:20:05,626 --> 00:20:07,794
Yes, Dad.
528
00:20:07,829 --> 00:20:12,132
OMG, the photographer is,
like, obsessed with me.
529
00:20:12,166 --> 00:20:14,701
Well, let's all go home,
you guys.
530
00:20:14,735 --> 00:20:16,937
I think we've had enough
excitement for one day.
531
00:20:16,971 --> 00:20:18,905
Yeah, and
I guess I learned
532
00:20:18,940 --> 00:20:20,707
it's wrong to take
your son to Vermont
533
00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:22,108
under false
pretenses
534
00:20:22,143 --> 00:20:24,077
to try to marry him
for his inheritance.
535
00:20:24,111 --> 00:20:25,212
You... you should've
known that.
536
00:20:25,246 --> 00:20:27,113
Well, we should
probably get going.
537
00:20:27,148 --> 00:20:29,583
I think this
adventure is over.
538
00:20:29,698 --> 00:20:32,540
PETER: Interestingly, however,
I did run into Chris again.
539
00:20:32,541 --> 00:20:34,809
It was on the Upper West
Side of Manhattan.
540
00:20:34,844 --> 00:20:37,547
He was with another dad.
I was with another son.
541
00:20:37,548 --> 00:20:39,513
But it was nice reminiscing
about old times.
542
00:20:39,995 --> 00:20:41,129
For you kids watching,
543
00:20:41,163 --> 00:20:42,852
this is a reference
to a Woody Allen movie.
544
00:20:43,105 --> 00:20:45,073
He also married one
of his children.
545
00:20:45,107 --> 00:20:50,107
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man