1 00:00:01,175 --> 00:00:03,509 (thunder crashes) 2 00:00:03,511 --> 00:00:09,232 (clears throat) 3 00:00:09,234 --> 00:00:15,071 (both shivering) 4 00:00:32,543 --> 00:00:35,469 MALORY: Woodhouse? WOODHOUSE: Mum. 5 00:00:35,589 --> 00:00:38,874 MALORY: If I see this glass empty again, I will be very 6 00:00:38,876 --> 00:00:41,159 unhappy. WOODHOUSE: Perish the 7 00:00:41,161 --> 00:00:45,297 thought, mum. MALORY: Now, then. 8 00:00:45,299 --> 00:00:50,685 Who'd like to go first? (Cyril coughs) 9 00:00:50,687 --> 00:00:54,773 No? All right, then I will. 10 00:00:54,775 --> 00:00:58,510 Idiots! (both yelling) 11 00:00:58,512 --> 00:01:00,779 Thank you, dear. For a moment there, I thought 12 00:01:00,781 --> 00:01:05,784 I was going to be unhappy. Now, then. 13 00:01:05,786 --> 00:01:08,286 Who's next? 14 00:01:35,187 --> 00:01:45,469 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 15 00:01:47,710 --> 00:01:51,418 ARCHER: Okay, so, uh... I guess I'll go if... 16 00:01:51,538 --> 00:01:53,941 MALORY: If I can just stop you there. 17 00:01:53,943 --> 00:01:57,028 Will you please cover yourself?! CHERLENE: With what? 18 00:01:57,030 --> 00:02:00,164 I don't have any... (spraying) 19 00:02:00,166 --> 00:02:02,483 There. Happy? MALORY: No! 20 00:02:02,485 --> 00:02:04,485 I didn't mean with whipped cream! 21 00:02:04,487 --> 00:02:06,487 PAM: It's actually whipped cocaine, so... 22 00:02:06,489 --> 00:02:08,489 (Malory groans) MALORY: That explains where 23 00:02:08,491 --> 00:02:10,991 some of it went. CHERLENE: Mmm, and the tingly 24 00:02:10,993 --> 00:02:13,494 numbness of my nipples. MALORY: And why are you 25 00:02:13,496 --> 00:02:16,097 dressed like the whore the rest of the trailer park finally 26 00:02:16,099 --> 00:02:18,266 decided they had to stone to death? 27 00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:21,001 CHERLENE: Duh, we were shooting my album cover. 28 00:02:21,003 --> 00:02:24,672 KRIEGER: Yes! Good, yes, that is perfect! 29 00:02:24,674 --> 00:02:27,275 PAM: Perfect for what? Come on, it's an album cover, 30 00:02:27,277 --> 00:02:32,346 not a... Amish Bible! PAM: You got to sex that shit 31 00:02:32,348 --> 00:02:34,365 up sexy. KRIEGER: Um... 32 00:02:34,367 --> 00:02:36,400 CHERLENE: I think it's pretty sexy. 33 00:02:36,402 --> 00:02:39,203 PAM: You think that's sexy? With the rocket pops... 34 00:02:39,205 --> 00:02:42,073 outside of you. CHERLENE: I mean... 35 00:02:42,075 --> 00:02:44,525 KRIEGER: But if she eats them, we lose the whole red, 36 00:02:44,527 --> 00:02:47,194 white and... okay... PAM: Yeah, not talking about 37 00:02:47,196 --> 00:02:49,463 eating them. CHERLENE: Wait, what are 38 00:02:49,465 --> 00:02:53,167 you... You want me to put a rocket pop in my vagina?! 39 00:02:53,169 --> 00:02:56,671 PAM: Well, for starters. But let's not rule anything out. 40 00:02:56,673 --> 00:02:58,706 You know? Let's kind of see where that leads. 41 00:02:58,708 --> 00:03:01,259 We've got a shitload of film. KRIEGER: I'm supposed to have 42 00:03:01,261 --> 00:03:03,261 film in this? CHERLENE: Goddamn it! 43 00:03:03,263 --> 00:03:05,713 PAM: Krieger! LANA: So, I have a question. 44 00:03:05,715 --> 00:03:07,715 PAM: The butthole, Lana, is what I was... 45 00:03:07,717 --> 00:03:10,067 LANA: Yeah, I got that. But do you think the cover for a 46 00:03:10,069 --> 00:03:13,053 country album should be hardcore...? 47 00:03:13,055 --> 00:03:15,690 What do you even call that? Food porn? 48 00:03:15,692 --> 00:03:18,359 PAM: I do. LANA: You think it makes a 49 00:03:18,361 --> 00:03:21,078 good country album cover or you call it food porn? 50 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,080 PAM: Yes. LANA: Are you...? 51 00:03:23,082 --> 00:03:25,082 (Cherlene squealing) CHERLENE: These things are 52 00:03:25,084 --> 00:03:27,084 freezing! KRIEGER: Film, film, film, 53 00:03:27,086 --> 00:03:29,086 film, film! LANA: Quit putting rocket 54 00:03:29,088 --> 00:03:33,073 pops in your ass! CHERLENE: I'm eating them. 55 00:03:33,075 --> 00:03:36,344 Jesus, what is wrong with you? LANA: I guess I just don't 56 00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:38,462 get art. PAM: You obviously don't. 57 00:03:38,464 --> 00:03:40,548 And it's not that we don't appreciate criticism. 58 00:03:40,550 --> 00:03:42,550 It just needs to be constructive. 59 00:03:42,552 --> 00:03:44,552 ARCHER: Yeah, Lana. MALORY: Shut up. 60 00:03:44,554 --> 00:03:46,721 And then tell me what happened to the hundred pounds of... 61 00:03:46,723 --> 00:03:48,723 BOTH: Kilos. MALORY: Kilos, thank you, 62 00:03:48,725 --> 00:03:50,725 shut up. Of cocaine that you took to 63 00:03:50,727 --> 00:03:52,777 Colombia. LANA: Which... 64 00:03:52,779 --> 00:03:55,095 MALORY: Lana, when I want you to talk, I will tell you, and 65 00:03:55,097 --> 00:03:57,448 until then, zip it! LANA: Wha...? What did I do? 66 00:03:57,450 --> 00:03:59,450 MALORY: Nothing! ARCHER: Yeah, Lana. 67 00:03:59,452 --> 00:04:01,736 MALORY: Which is why these feckless idiots lost 200 kilos 68 00:04:01,738 --> 00:04:05,706 of cocaine! ARCHER: Yeah, La... Oh. 69 00:04:05,708 --> 00:04:09,160 Uh, okay, technically, but then we stole a plane loaded with, 70 00:04:09,162 --> 00:04:13,297 like, twice as much cocaine! MALORY: Is this the part 71 00:04:13,299 --> 00:04:16,116 where you tell me to look under my seat? 72 00:04:16,118 --> 00:04:18,786 ARCHER: No, unfortunately we ran into some... 73 00:04:18,788 --> 00:04:22,340 CYRIL: Assholishness. (all yelling) 74 00:04:22,342 --> 00:04:26,677 RAY: Archer, I swear to God! I will crash this plane right 75 00:04:26,679 --> 00:04:29,730 into the goddamn ocean! ARCHER: I'll take my chances 76 00:04:29,732 --> 00:04:32,183 with the ocean! The ocean isn't full of 77 00:04:32,185 --> 00:04:34,435 alligators! And do not even think about it, 78 00:04:34,437 --> 00:04:36,520 Cyril! CYRIL: Ray, what do I do?! 79 00:04:36,522 --> 00:04:38,572 RAY: Uh... I guess hang on. 80 00:04:38,574 --> 00:04:40,574 (grunts) ARCHER and CYRIL: Whoa! 81 00:04:40,576 --> 00:04:43,527 (both grunting) RAY: Sorry, Cyril. 82 00:04:43,529 --> 00:04:45,529 ARCHER: Ow. CYRIL: Oh, shut up. 83 00:04:45,531 --> 00:04:47,531 It's your own fault. ARCHER: Debatable. 84 00:04:47,533 --> 00:04:49,533 CYRIL: No, it's... ARCHER: Shut up. 85 00:04:49,535 --> 00:04:51,535 Come on, Ray, there has to be somewhere to land besides the 86 00:04:51,537 --> 00:04:54,121 middle of the damn Everglades. RAY: Well, not within fuel 87 00:04:54,123 --> 00:04:56,123 range, so... ARCHER: And who's fault 88 00:04:56,125 --> 00:04:58,342 is that? RAY: Isaac goddamn Newton! 89 00:04:58,344 --> 00:05:00,494 You see that airstrip? The one that's circled? 90 00:05:00,496 --> 00:05:03,214 That's the only one in range, and we've only, barely, got 91 00:05:03,216 --> 00:05:05,216 enough fuel to make it there, so... 92 00:05:05,218 --> 00:05:07,385 ARCHER: But Miami's, like, right over here. 93 00:05:07,387 --> 00:05:09,387 CYRIL: We can't land at a real airport! 94 00:05:09,389 --> 00:05:11,389 Even if Ray had filed a flight plan... 95 00:05:11,391 --> 00:05:13,691 ARCHER: Why didn't you file a flight plan?! 96 00:05:13,693 --> 00:05:16,844 That's like Airplane Stuff 101. CYRIL: Not when the airplane 97 00:05:16,846 --> 00:05:19,530 is stolen and crammed full of guns and cocaine! 98 00:05:19,532 --> 00:05:21,615 ARCHER: Ah. I will concede that point. 99 00:05:21,617 --> 00:05:23,617 RAY: Damn it. ARCHER: What's up? 100 00:05:23,619 --> 00:05:25,619 CYRIL: What's going on? RAY: Burning too much 101 00:05:25,621 --> 00:05:27,621 fuel-- we're heavy. CYRIL: What do you mean, 102 00:05:27,623 --> 00:05:29,623 heavy? ARCHER: You said we had 103 00:05:29,625 --> 00:05:31,625 enough fuel to... RAY: I said barely! 104 00:05:31,627 --> 00:05:33,661 I bet the Colombians didn't count on three passengers. 105 00:05:33,663 --> 00:05:35,663 CYRIL (sobbing): Oh, my God, we're gonna crash! 106 00:05:35,665 --> 00:05:37,698 ARCHER: Cyril, do not panic. Just get out. 107 00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:39,700 CYRIL: What?! ARCHER: Do the right thing, 108 00:05:39,702 --> 00:05:42,219 Cyril. You have nothing to live for. 109 00:05:42,221 --> 00:05:45,556 CYRIL: Get your hands off me. ARCHER: Okay, relax. Jesus. 110 00:05:45,558 --> 00:05:47,558 Whatever happened to Team Archer? 111 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,877 CYRIL: Please tell me that was never a real thing to you. 112 00:05:49,879 --> 00:05:51,879 ARCHER: Eh... I mean... RAY: Hello? 113 00:05:51,881 --> 00:05:54,565 Time's a bit of a factor here! ARCHER: Cyril, for the love 114 00:05:54,567 --> 00:05:56,817 of God, man, jump! CYRIL: Just throw out the 115 00:05:56,819 --> 00:05:59,069 cocaine. ARCHER: What?! No! 116 00:05:59,071 --> 00:06:01,105 I'm not telling Mother I lost the original hundred pounds 117 00:06:01,107 --> 00:06:03,107 of... CYRIL and RAY: Kilos! 118 00:06:03,109 --> 00:06:05,109 ARCHER: ...whatever unit of measurement-- of cocaine! 119 00:06:05,111 --> 00:06:08,162 Plus, all this cocaine! Do you have any idea how mad 120 00:06:08,164 --> 00:06:09,864 she'd be? RAY: Well, the 121 00:06:09,866 --> 00:06:12,399 alternative is a belly-landing in a swamp filled with 122 00:06:12,401 --> 00:06:14,401 alligators! ARCHER: No. No, no, no. No. 123 00:06:14,403 --> 00:06:16,403 What if, um... CYRIL: Archer! 124 00:06:16,405 --> 00:06:18,405 Alligators or your mother! ARCHER: What's the 125 00:06:18,407 --> 00:06:20,407 difference? They're both cold-blooded 126 00:06:20,409 --> 00:06:23,243 prehistoric monsters. (Malory clears throat loudly) 127 00:06:23,245 --> 00:06:25,763 MALORY: Excuse me? ARCHER: I meant the pain of 128 00:06:25,765 --> 00:06:29,517 disappointing you would... bite... alligator... ish... 129 00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,519 ly. MALORY: Uh-huh. 130 00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:33,521 ARCHER: Anyway, right about then... 131 00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,523 RAY: Okay, I can see the airstrip. 132 00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:37,525 CYRIL: Well, can we make it? RAY: Maybe, if you... 133 00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:39,860 ARCHER: Wait! Ray, you said the Colombians were flying to 134 00:06:39,862 --> 00:06:41,896 this airstrip? RAY: Yes! 135 00:06:41,898 --> 00:06:44,482 Why do you think it's marked on the chart, you idiot? 136 00:06:44,484 --> 00:06:46,734 ARCHER: Okay, well, let's circle back to who's an idiot, 137 00:06:46,736 --> 00:06:49,904 and talk about who's probably waiting at this airstrip. 138 00:06:49,906 --> 00:06:51,906 (Cyril gasps) RAY: Dukes. 139 00:06:51,908 --> 00:06:54,208 ARCHER: And what their reaction will be to three total 140 00:06:54,210 --> 00:06:58,879 strangers showing up in their plane without their coke. 141 00:06:58,881 --> 00:07:01,165 CYRIL: They'll kill us! RAY: Well... maybe not. 142 00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:03,384 ARCHER: Wait, why? CYRIL: Why maybe not? 143 00:07:03,386 --> 00:07:05,586 (sputtering) (Archer and Cyril shout) 144 00:07:05,588 --> 00:07:07,638 RAY: Because that. (sputtering) 145 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,391 (Archer and Cyril shout) And that. 146 00:07:10,393 --> 00:07:12,793 Happy? ARCHER: What, like, in 147 00:07:12,795 --> 00:07:15,679 general or...? MALORY: Ooh, this is 148 00:07:15,681 --> 00:07:18,432 exciting. I hope everyone dies. 149 00:07:18,434 --> 00:07:24,772 ARCHER: Uh, we obviously d... Oh. Hardy har, Mother. 150 00:07:24,774 --> 00:07:27,274 (slurps) 151 00:07:30,138 --> 00:07:33,356 MALORY: And so our heroes, such as they are, have run out 152 00:07:33,596 --> 00:07:37,665 of fuel and... what. RAY: No, no, no! 153 00:07:37,667 --> 00:07:40,284 What are you doing?! CYRIL: Throwing out the guns! 154 00:07:40,286 --> 00:07:43,404 RAY: No, no, no, no, no! You're screwing the trim all to 155 00:07:43,406 --> 00:07:45,673 hell! ARCHER (chuckles): This 156 00:07:45,675 --> 00:07:48,259 no-phrasing thing is killing me. RAY: Best case, our 157 00:07:48,261 --> 00:07:51,412 glide ratio's maybe ten-to-one. But it's a lot less with the 158 00:07:51,414 --> 00:07:53,714 damn door hanging... Oh, no, no, no! 159 00:07:53,716 --> 00:07:56,100 (automatic gunfire) CYRIL: Yeah! 160 00:07:56,102 --> 00:07:58,252 ARCHER: Woooooo!! Whoa, whoa, whoa! 161 00:07:58,254 --> 00:08:00,254 (Archer and Cyril grunt) RAY: You idiots! 162 00:08:00,256 --> 00:08:02,256 CYRIL: What did I do? ARCHER: Don't. There's no 163 00:08:02,258 --> 00:08:04,275 talking to when he gets like this. 164 00:08:04,277 --> 00:08:06,561 RAY: Dump the damn guns! CYRIL: Uh, I am, if you'd 165 00:08:06,563 --> 00:08:08,613 shut up! ARCHER: Wait, wait, wait, 166 00:08:08,615 --> 00:08:11,599 wait, Cyril! CYRIL: What? Archer! 167 00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:13,701 RAY: We're coming in! Brace for landing! 168 00:08:13,703 --> 00:08:16,370 ARCHER: Tell you in a minute. RAY: Gear down! 169 00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:19,323 (Cyril moans) RAY (strained): We're not 170 00:08:19,325 --> 00:08:24,378 gonna make it. (Cyril whimpers) 171 00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:29,000 ARCHER: Exciting, isn't it? (Cyril yelping) 172 00:08:29,002 --> 00:08:34,222 (Archer chuckling) ARCHER: Oh, so, Cyril... 173 00:08:34,224 --> 00:08:38,392 what I was gonna say was... maybe don't throw out all the 174 00:08:38,394 --> 00:08:41,679 guns because you know what they say... 175 00:08:41,681 --> 00:08:43,764 it's better to have a gun and not need it than to be the 176 00:08:43,766 --> 00:08:47,301 world's biggest dickhead, and inside your head there's a 177 00:08:47,303 --> 00:08:50,771 million more dicks, like, uh, if you cut open a golf ball, only 178 00:08:50,773 --> 00:08:53,357 instead of those little rubber bands in there, it's just, you 179 00:08:53,359 --> 00:08:55,776 know... CYRIL: Dicks? 180 00:08:55,778 --> 00:08:58,329 ARCHER: Oh, so you have heard that. 181 00:08:58,331 --> 00:09:01,315 MALORY: And so Gillette lands safely-- I'm sure there's a joke 182 00:09:01,317 --> 00:09:04,118 in there about fairy dust-- and then what happens? 183 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,120 CYRIL (chuckles): Yeah, tell her what happens next. 184 00:09:06,122 --> 00:09:08,122 ARCHER: I will if you shut your... mouth. 185 00:09:08,124 --> 00:09:11,125 (quietly): Okay, listen up. Say what you will about my 186 00:09:11,127 --> 00:09:13,160 skills as a drug kingpin... RAY: You don't have any. 187 00:09:13,162 --> 00:09:15,162 CYRIL: Completely nonexistent. 188 00:09:15,164 --> 00:09:17,164 ARCHER: Are you done? RAY and CYRIL: Yes. 189 00:09:17,166 --> 00:09:19,350 ARCHER: Good, because if there's one thing I'm good at, 190 00:09:19,352 --> 00:09:21,469 out of the million other things I'm good at, it's infiltrating 191 00:09:21,471 --> 00:09:23,504 the enemy with an assumed identity. 192 00:09:23,506 --> 00:09:25,506 RAY: Named Randy. ARCHER: Named shut up, it's 193 00:09:25,508 --> 00:09:27,508 not always Randy. GILLETTE (chuckling): Oh, my 194 00:09:27,510 --> 00:09:29,510 God. CYRIL: Always. 195 00:09:29,512 --> 00:09:32,280 (others agreeing) ARCHER: That's because 196 00:09:32,282 --> 00:09:35,182 Randy's awesome! And I'm the best in the world at 197 00:09:35,184 --> 00:09:38,536 this, so shut up and follow my lead. 198 00:09:38,538 --> 00:09:42,856 Hey, guy... (grunts) (Ray and Cyril squeak) 199 00:09:42,858 --> 00:09:45,543 SLATER: Anybody else in there? 200 00:09:45,545 --> 00:09:48,862 RAY and CYRIL: No. (others reacting in shock) 201 00:09:48,864 --> 00:09:51,582 MALORY: Sterling, how are you not dead? 202 00:09:51,584 --> 00:09:53,867 ARCHER (sighs): Because I didn't get shot with buckshot. 203 00:09:53,869 --> 00:09:56,254 I got beanbagged. (Pam growls) 204 00:09:56,256 --> 00:09:59,223 Beanbagged, Pam. (others gasp, groan) 205 00:09:59,225 --> 00:10:01,225 MALORY: Oh, my God. ARCHER: Yeah, I could've 206 00:10:01,227 --> 00:10:03,227 died. CYRIL (scoffs): It was a 207 00:10:03,229 --> 00:10:05,713 beanbag. ARCHER: Medical fact, Cyril. 208 00:10:05,715 --> 00:10:08,516 If you get hit in the chest between heartbeats, you can die. 209 00:10:08,518 --> 00:10:10,568 Go ask Houdini. PAM (chuckling): Ask him 210 00:10:10,570 --> 00:10:16,407 what, how to get AIDS? MALORY (sighs): So who were 211 00:10:16,409 --> 00:10:18,776 these goons? ARCHER: They were... They 212 00:10:18,778 --> 00:10:21,412 kind of looked ex-military, now that you mention it. 213 00:10:21,414 --> 00:10:23,414 MALORY: American. ARCHER: Yeah, and the 214 00:10:23,416 --> 00:10:25,666 leader's name was... SLATER: Slater. 215 00:10:25,668 --> 00:10:28,402 Just call me Slater. And sorry about the beanbag. 216 00:10:28,404 --> 00:10:30,904 Man, that must kill. ARCHER: Yeah. Yeah, you hear 217 00:10:30,906 --> 00:10:34,458 beanbag," you think Beanie Baby, not... internal bleeding. 218 00:10:34,460 --> 00:10:36,677 SLATER: Well, the door was shot off, and we didn't know who 219 00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:39,380 you were. Still don't, I guess, formally, 220 00:10:39,382 --> 00:10:42,800 uh... ARCHER: Uh, Rand... o. 221 00:10:42,802 --> 00:10:44,802 SLATER: Rando. ARCHER: Yep. 222 00:10:44,804 --> 00:10:47,388 SLATER: Rando...? ARCHER: Uh, no, that's it. 223 00:10:47,390 --> 00:10:51,142 It's a mononym, like Cher. CYRIL: Pliny. 224 00:10:51,144 --> 00:10:53,144 RAY: Cantinflas! SLATER: I know what "mononym" 225 00:10:53,146 --> 00:10:55,446 means. What I don't know is who you 226 00:10:55,448 --> 00:10:57,815 people are. ARCHER: Uh, I'm Rando-- I 227 00:10:57,817 --> 00:11:01,369 think we covered that fairly well-- and these are the, uh, 228 00:11:01,371 --> 00:11:03,871 McCracken brothers, Phil and Odie. 229 00:11:03,873 --> 00:11:05,873 CYRIL: Hello. RAY: Odie, hush. 230 00:11:05,875 --> 00:11:07,875 SLATER: So why do you guys have my cocaine? 231 00:11:07,877 --> 00:11:09,910 ARCHER: We... SLATER: I'm not done. 232 00:11:09,912 --> 00:11:11,963 ARCHER: Sorry. SLATER: What have you done 233 00:11:11,965 --> 00:11:14,165 with Gomez... 234 00:11:14,167 --> 00:11:18,803 What, you're just not gonna answer? 235 00:11:18,805 --> 00:11:21,922 ARCHER: Oh! S-Sorry. You kind of trailed off like 236 00:11:21,924 --> 00:11:24,809 there was, like, a third... SLATER: Why do you have my 237 00:11:24,811 --> 00:11:27,928 cocaine and where the hell is Gomez, full goddamn stop! 238 00:11:27,930 --> 00:11:30,264 ARCHER: Gomez was gonna steal it. 239 00:11:30,266 --> 00:11:32,516 SLATER: Says who? ARCHER (chuckles): "Who." 240 00:11:32,518 --> 00:11:35,770 Nice. Anyway, they called us in, uh, 241 00:11:35,772 --> 00:11:40,808 to address that, which we did and now we're here and... 242 00:11:40,810 --> 00:11:46,914 Full stop? TOUGH GUY: Okay, this is the 243 00:11:46,916 --> 00:11:48,833 last of it. The weight's good. 244 00:11:48,835 --> 00:11:50,951 We tested ten of the bricks. Looks like it's all here. 245 00:11:50,953 --> 00:11:52,953 SLATER: Well, either you guys are the shittiest coke thieves 246 00:11:52,955 --> 00:11:54,955 on the planet... CYRIL (chuckles): Which we 247 00:11:54,957 --> 00:11:57,758 are not. (chuckles) You know, I mean, if 248 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,211 that was... I mean, if we put our minds to it. 249 00:12:00,213 --> 00:12:02,263 Look, here's the thing about the McCracken brothers... 250 00:12:02,265 --> 00:12:04,465 ARCHER: Odie, hush! Uh, you were saying? 251 00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:06,834 SLATER: Hey, between you and me, I thought Gomez was hinky 252 00:12:06,836 --> 00:12:09,670 from the get-go and, since the coke's all here, let's get you 253 00:12:09,672 --> 00:12:12,723 fellas loaded. ARCHER: Yeah, now you're 254 00:12:12,725 --> 00:12:16,894 talking. About something else entirely. 255 00:12:16,896 --> 00:12:18,979 Apparently. SLATER (chuckles): What, did 256 00:12:18,981 --> 00:12:21,399 you nerf-nuts think I was talking about getting drunk? 257 00:12:21,401 --> 00:12:25,286 ARCHER: Uh, yeah, on money. SLATER (laughing): Oh, man, 258 00:12:25,288 --> 00:12:27,788 classic Rando. And don't worry, Calderon's good 259 00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:30,624 for the money. At least for now. 260 00:12:30,626 --> 00:12:32,793 Am I right, fellas? ARCHER: Are you? 261 00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:35,463 SLATER (laughs): Classic Rando. 262 00:12:35,465 --> 00:12:37,581 ARCHER (chuckles): Yeah, Rando's awesome. 263 00:12:37,583 --> 00:12:39,583 SLATER: So, obviously you're not gonna be able to pressurize 264 00:12:39,585 --> 00:12:41,585 this baby, so, uh... RAY: I'll keep it under 265 00:12:41,587 --> 00:12:43,587 8,000. SLATER: Still gonna freeze 266 00:12:43,589 --> 00:12:45,639 your asses off. Good thing you're flying south, 267 00:12:45,641 --> 00:12:47,708 huh? ARCHER: Mmm... yep. 268 00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:49,643 SLATER: You do know where you're going, right? 269 00:12:49,645 --> 00:12:51,645 ARCHER: I absolutely know where we're going. 270 00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:54,648 CYRIL: Yeah, back home to ask Mommy what to do. 271 00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:56,851 ARCHER: Hey, shut up! CYRIL: You shut up! 272 00:12:56,853 --> 00:13:03,240 ARCHER: Ow. (grunts) Ma, they done killed old Rando. 273 00:13:05,291 --> 00:13:08,249 LANA: So, you leave here with a bunch of the first load of 274 00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:12,289 cocaine, which just mysteriously appeared at ISIS and that Malory 275 00:13:12,289 --> 00:13:14,319 swears wasn't hers... MALORY: Because it most 276 00:13:14,319 --> 00:13:17,293 certainly was not! CYRIL: Wait, then where did it come from? 277 00:13:17,413 --> 00:13:18,857 MALORY: Obviously from Sterling. ARCHER: Obviously from Mother. 278 00:13:18,977 --> 00:13:20,408 MALORY and ARCHER: No, not from me! 279 00:13:20,528 --> 00:13:24,209 Well, I certainly... (high-pitched whistle) 280 00:13:24,329 --> 00:13:25,137 (others groaning) LANA: Sorry to break that up. 281 00:13:25,257 --> 00:13:28,504 I love Freaky Friday as much as the next gal, but let's just 282 00:13:28,624 --> 00:13:31,433 press on, operating under the assumption that one, or more 283 00:13:31,507 --> 00:13:33,673 likely both, of you are lying and that... 284 00:13:33,675 --> 00:13:35,178 MALORY and ARCHER: Lana, I swear... 285 00:13:35,298 --> 00:13:38,144 LANA (whistles): Pressing on. So then you stumble into another 286 00:13:38,146 --> 00:13:41,281 bunch of cocaine in the jungle and then continue stumbling into 287 00:13:41,283 --> 00:13:45,585 a beanbagging arms dealer, so that now, almost inexplicably, 288 00:13:45,587 --> 00:13:48,321 we have enough weapons to invade Quebec. 289 00:13:48,323 --> 00:13:50,590 KRIEGER: Wait, literally? LANA: No, Krieger, not 290 00:13:50,592 --> 00:13:52,592 literally. PAM: Aww. 291 00:13:52,594 --> 00:13:54,594 CHERLENE: Lame. KRIEGER: Well, if we ever do, 292 00:13:54,596 --> 00:13:56,730 the best time to invade is right after brunch, when 293 00:13:56,732 --> 00:13:58,732 they're all logy. LANA: Archer? 294 00:13:58,734 --> 00:14:01,134 ARCHER: I don't know. I mean, it couldn't hurt, but... 295 00:14:01,136 --> 00:14:03,136 LANA: Still talking about this. 296 00:14:03,138 --> 00:14:05,372 Not invading Quebec. ARCHER: Oh, yeah, then they 297 00:14:05,374 --> 00:14:07,741 loaded the plane with the weapons, said we were heading 298 00:14:07,743 --> 00:14:10,343 south and that Calderon would pay us. 299 00:14:10,345 --> 00:14:14,114 LANA: Calderon? (gasps) As in Gustavo Calderon? 300 00:14:14,116 --> 00:14:18,018 ARCHER (burps): Should I know who that is? 301 00:14:18,020 --> 00:14:20,053 CYRIL: How could you not? ARCHER: I don't know, Cyril. 302 00:14:20,055 --> 00:14:23,323 Maybe I was busy saving your life once, and then you shot me. 303 00:14:23,325 --> 00:14:27,193 MALORY: Gustavo Calderon, aka Baby Gus, is the president of 304 00:14:27,195 --> 00:14:29,195 San Marcos. (Archer burps) 305 00:14:29,197 --> 00:14:31,398 ARCHER: Should I know... MALORY: Oh for God's sake, 306 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,701 Sterling, it's a country in Central America. 307 00:14:34,703 --> 00:14:36,736 ARCHER: Mm, not according to this. 308 00:14:36,738 --> 00:14:38,738 LANA: Because that thing's a hundred years old. 309 00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:40,740 It still says "German East Africa." 310 00:14:40,742 --> 00:14:42,676 KRIEGER: We will never recognize Tanganyika! 311 00:14:42,678 --> 00:14:44,678 LANA: Well, it's Tanzania now, so... 312 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,680 PAM: Aww. CHERLENE: Lame. 313 00:14:46,682 --> 00:14:48,682 KRIEGER: Well, whatever, as long as they don't nationalize 314 00:14:48,684 --> 00:14:51,251 the ivory trade. I don't think my portfolio can 315 00:14:51,253 --> 00:14:55,055 take the hit. LANA: Trust me, San Marcos is 316 00:14:55,057 --> 00:14:57,390 a country. MALORY: And it's in the 317 00:14:57,392 --> 00:14:59,693 middle of a civil war. Communist rebels are tearing 318 00:14:59,695 --> 00:15:02,062 through the countryside like... like... 319 00:15:02,064 --> 00:15:04,164 PAM: Cows. Bees. 320 00:15:04,166 --> 00:15:06,499 Hang on. Bees. 321 00:15:06,501 --> 00:15:09,235 MALORY (sighs): How do you not know about San Marcos? 322 00:15:09,237 --> 00:15:12,272 It's all over the news every night. 323 00:15:12,274 --> 00:15:14,691 ANCHORMAN: from San Marcos tonight, as the Communist rebel 324 00:15:14,693 --> 00:15:18,194 forces consolidate their gains in the countryside, and now 325 00:15:18,196 --> 00:15:21,698 prepare to move on the capital. We spoke with President Gustavo 326 00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:25,652 Calderon, seen here volunteering at the hospital, comforting the 327 00:15:25,654 --> 00:15:27,687 wounded. CALDERON: Oh, hello, I did 328 00:15:27,689 --> 00:15:29,689 not see you there. I was comforting this brave 329 00:15:29,691 --> 00:15:33,860 young man here, the fruit of San Marcos, wounded by a Communist 330 00:15:33,862 --> 00:15:36,413 sneeper. I think he has died. 331 00:15:36,415 --> 00:15:38,832 Yes. But let me say this, to the 332 00:15:38,834 --> 00:15:41,885 Communists who are murdering our brave young fruits, and to 333 00:15:41,887 --> 00:15:45,639 the puppet masters in Moscow and the capital of China, you 334 00:15:45,641 --> 00:15:48,341 cannot kill the spirit of San Mar... 335 00:15:48,343 --> 00:15:50,343 PAM: Aww. CHERLENE: Lame. 336 00:15:50,345 --> 00:15:53,146 As in who cares. MALORY: The United States. 337 00:15:53,148 --> 00:15:55,348 Apparently Calderon is barely clinging to power. 338 00:15:55,350 --> 00:15:57,350 ARCHER: Huh. You think this is somehow 339 00:15:57,352 --> 00:15:59,352 related? (chuckles) 340 00:15:59,354 --> 00:16:01,387 I'm kidding, obviously. RAY: Are you? 341 00:16:01,389 --> 00:16:03,389 PAM: Yeah, right. LANA: I don't think you are. 342 00:16:03,391 --> 00:16:05,575 ARCHER: Yes, I'm kidding. Because you want to know what I 343 00:16:05,577 --> 00:16:08,278 really think is going on here? CHERLENE: You're all jealous! 344 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,164 My album's coming out, and it's gonna be huge, and you're all 345 00:16:11,166 --> 00:16:13,450 jealous, and so you just want to ruin it for me. 346 00:16:13,452 --> 00:16:15,735 MALORY: Why would I want to ruin your album? 347 00:16:15,737 --> 00:16:19,205 I get 50% of the profits. LANA: Archer? 348 00:16:19,207 --> 00:16:21,591 ARCHER: I don't know, maybe a little jealous. 349 00:16:21,593 --> 00:16:23,593 It's an exciting time for her. LANA: This. 350 00:16:23,595 --> 00:16:25,912 Still talking about this. ARCHER: Oh, right, right, 351 00:16:25,914 --> 00:16:27,914 right. So what I think is... 352 00:16:27,916 --> 00:16:30,467 MALORY: I think you've managed to stumble backwards 353 00:16:30,469 --> 00:16:32,852 into a CIA-backed, anti-Communist, 354 00:16:32,854 --> 00:16:36,356 drugs-for-arms operation. ARCHER: Wow, that actually 355 00:16:36,358 --> 00:16:38,358 makes more sense. LANA: Than...? 356 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,393 ARCHER: No, no, let's just go with her thing. 357 00:16:40,395 --> 00:16:42,312 CYRIL: Which, if it's true, is... 358 00:16:42,314 --> 00:16:44,314 MALORY: Wonderful. CYRIL: I was going to say 359 00:16:44,316 --> 00:16:46,316 terrible. MALORY: Because you are a 360 00:16:46,318 --> 00:16:49,119 timid man, Cyril. CYRIL: What? No, I'm not. 361 00:16:49,121 --> 00:16:52,238 PAM (laughing): Dude, your balls are made of pussy. 362 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:56,376 (Archer laughs) ARCHER: Aah! Ow. Oh. 363 00:16:56,378 --> 00:16:58,828 All kidding aside, I maybe should go to a hospital. 364 00:16:58,830 --> 00:17:01,581 MALORY: Cyril, this is an opportunity to finally make 365 00:17:01,583 --> 00:17:03,883 some money. Even if we had a buyer for the 366 00:17:03,885 --> 00:17:08,221 cocaine, do we even still have half of it left? 367 00:17:08,223 --> 00:17:10,507 KRIEGER: Eh... MALORY: What? 368 00:17:10,509 --> 00:17:12,625 KRIEGER: It's, um, you know, not... It's... 369 00:17:12,627 --> 00:17:14,627 MALORY: Krieger! KRIEGER: Mm? 370 00:17:14,629 --> 00:17:16,763 MALORY: Tell me what's going on or I will literally 371 00:17:16,765 --> 00:17:19,682 emasculate you. KRIEGER: Well, no, if you 372 00:17:19,684 --> 00:17:23,236 literally emas... (coughs) Okay, so, for a few weeks, I've 373 00:17:23,238 --> 00:17:25,972 been working on a bit of a side project. 374 00:17:25,974 --> 00:17:31,411 I give you... the Red Kriegtober. 375 00:17:31,413 --> 00:17:33,413 LANA: Um... KRIEGER: Or the Red 376 00:17:33,415 --> 00:17:35,448 OctKrieger. I can't decide. 377 00:17:35,450 --> 00:17:38,251 It's a narco-sub. For transporting cocaine. 378 00:17:38,253 --> 00:17:40,420 It's totally undetectable by the Coast Guard. 379 00:17:40,422 --> 00:17:42,372 Thoughts? LANA: How you gonna get it 380 00:17:42,374 --> 00:17:44,340 out of here? KRIEGER: Hm? 381 00:17:44,342 --> 00:17:49,462 LANA: How does that thing leave this room? 382 00:17:49,464 --> 00:17:52,348 KRIEGER: Goddamn it! MALORY: Oh, for the... 383 00:17:52,350 --> 00:17:55,268 How much money did you waste on that little boondoggle? 384 00:17:55,270 --> 00:17:57,470 KRIEGER: Well, it's not that so much as... 385 00:17:57,472 --> 00:17:59,856 MALORY: Krieger? KRIEGER: Well, I needed 386 00:17:59,858 --> 00:18:03,309 ballast, and what better to simulate bricks of cocaine than, 387 00:18:03,311 --> 00:18:06,196 you know, bricks of cocaine? MALORY: Krieger... 388 00:18:06,198 --> 00:18:08,948 KRIEGER: And when I realized it would never feel the wind on 389 00:18:08,950 --> 00:18:14,487 its face, or taste the salty spray of the sea, I... I... 390 00:18:14,489 --> 00:18:18,958 (explosions) MALORY: You what? 391 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:22,495 KRIEGER: I blew it up! Goddamn you all to hell, I blew 392 00:18:22,497 --> 00:18:24,631 it up! (all exclaiming) 393 00:18:24,633 --> 00:18:26,866 CHERLENE: I'm not cleaning it up. 394 00:18:26,868 --> 00:18:29,502 PAM: You mean it's all gone? KRIEGER: I... (sniffles) 395 00:18:29,504 --> 00:18:35,475 No, no, not all of it. (Pam sobbing) 396 00:18:35,477 --> 00:18:37,894 PAM: Why? KRIEGER: Shh, shh, shh, shh, 397 00:18:37,896 --> 00:18:40,763 shh, shh, shh. There, there. 398 00:18:40,765 --> 00:18:43,516 MALORY: Woodhouse, dear, I need some more ice. 399 00:18:43,518 --> 00:18:46,352 WOODHOUSE: Straightaway, mum. MALORY: Oh, and a small bowl, 400 00:18:46,354 --> 00:18:48,438 a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight razor. 401 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,490 CYRIL: Whoa. RAY: Just calm down. 402 00:18:50,492 --> 00:18:52,525 ARCHER: Whoa, whoa... LANA: You're not emasculating 403 00:18:52,527 --> 00:18:54,527 Krieger. KRIEGER: What the hell was 404 00:18:54,529 --> 00:18:56,529 the mirror for? MALORY: So you could watch. 405 00:18:56,531 --> 00:18:58,731 (thunder rumbles) (Krieger squeaks) 406 00:18:58,733 --> 00:19:01,868 (Malory sighs) MALORY: The perfect ending 407 00:19:01,870 --> 00:19:04,704 to the perfect... (laughs) 408 00:19:04,706 --> 00:19:08,258 I almost said "evening." More like months, though, 409 00:19:08,260 --> 00:19:10,460 isn't it? Since we started scrabbling for 410 00:19:10,462 --> 00:19:14,964 coins because the damn government took away our... 411 00:19:14,966 --> 00:19:17,750 everything. They took everything. 412 00:19:17,752 --> 00:19:20,586 And the only thing that was left, you idiots either lost, 413 00:19:20,588 --> 00:19:25,692 gave away, ate or just blew up and sank. 414 00:19:25,694 --> 00:19:27,694 ARCHER: Yeah, Krieger. LANA: Archer. 415 00:19:27,696 --> 00:19:30,313 MALORY: And so, starting now, in addition to the country 416 00:19:30,315 --> 00:19:34,767 music business, which... CHERLENE: Right? 417 00:19:34,769 --> 00:19:36,953 MALORY: We are in the arms business. 418 00:19:36,955 --> 00:19:39,489 KRIEGER: There's still a little cocaine left. 419 00:19:39,491 --> 00:19:41,491 LANA: Krieger. ARCHER: Yeah, Krieger. 420 00:19:41,493 --> 00:19:43,493 LANA: And do we want to talk about this or... 421 00:19:43,495 --> 00:19:46,112 MALORY: You're welcome to. I, personally, am going to bed. 422 00:19:46,114 --> 00:19:49,916 It's been a long night. ARCHER: Oh, yeah, wh-why are 423 00:19:49,918 --> 00:19:51,918 you all dressed up? MALORY: Well, not that it's 424 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,087 any of anyone's business, but I had dinner with Ron. 425 00:19:54,089 --> 00:19:56,089 ARCHER: What? CHERLENE: Ooh. 426 00:19:56,091 --> 00:19:58,124 CYRIL: Sounds delightful. ARCHER: Wait-- you're still 427 00:19:58,126 --> 00:20:00,426 getting divorced, right? MALORY: No. 428 00:20:00,428 --> 00:20:02,428 We have decided to give it another chance, and so we will 429 00:20:02,430 --> 00:20:04,430 be going to marriage counseling and... (mumbles) 430 00:20:04,432 --> 00:20:06,432 ARCHER: Wait, what? PAM: Huh? 431 00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:08,434 CYRIL: Marriage counseling and what? 432 00:20:08,436 --> 00:20:10,520 ARCHER: I didn't catch that. MALORY: Oh, for... 433 00:20:10,522 --> 00:20:13,573 We've decided to have an open marriage. 434 00:20:13,575 --> 00:20:15,575 CYRIL: Okay. PAM: Nice. 435 00:20:15,577 --> 00:20:17,694 KRIEGER: Gross. CHERLENE: Oh, my God. 436 00:20:17,696 --> 00:20:19,696 MALORY: Well, it was either that or... 437 00:20:19,698 --> 00:20:22,492 (phone rings) CHERLENE (gasps): Oh, my God. 438 00:20:22,612 --> 00:20:24,924 It's Ron. Hello... 439 00:20:25,044 --> 00:20:26,326 (all gasping) ARCHER: Oh, no! 440 00:20:26,446 --> 00:20:28,391 MALORY: And so... ARCHER: Jesus. 441 00:20:28,664 --> 00:20:30,029 Hope he doesn't call me. 442 00:20:30,149 --> 00:20:32,672 Why would he call you? (phone ringing) 443 00:20:36,885 --> 00:20:38,262 (clears throat) 444 00:20:40,136 --> 00:20:46,875 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com