1
00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:02,715
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
2
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:09,635
(CLEARS THROAT)
3
00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:34,539
Woodhouse.
4
00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:35,665
Mum.
5
00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:38,122
If I see this glass
empty again,
6
00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:40,090
I will be
very unhappy.
7
00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:41,963
Perish
the thought, mum.
8
00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:44,966
Now then.
9
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:48,261
Who'd like to go first?
10
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:50,884
(COUGHS)
11
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:52,265
No?
12
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,813
All right,
then I will.
13
00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:56,727
Idiots!
(EXCLAIMS)
14
00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,018
Thank you, dear.
15
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:02,821
For a moment there, I thought
I was going to be unhappy.
16
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,282
Now then.
17
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,326
Who's next?
18
00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:12,243
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
19
00:01:16,103 --> 00:01:26,324
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
20
00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:50,865
ARCHER: Okay, so, uh...
21
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,121
I guess
I'll go, if...
22
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,415
If I can just
stop you there.
23
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:57,584
Will you please
cover yourself!
24
00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:59,536
With what,
I don't have any...
25
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,167
(SPRAYING)
26
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,340
There. Happy?
27
00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:05,634
No! I didn't mean
with whipped cream.
28
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:08,462
It's actually
whipped cocaine, so...
29
00:02:08,712 --> 00:02:11,056
(SIGHS) That explains
where some of it went.
30
00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:14,013
Mmm. And the tingly
numbness of my nipples.
31
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:16,140
MALORY: And why are you
dressed like the whore
32
00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:17,641
the rest of
the trailer park
33
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,815
finally decided they
had to stone to death?
34
00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:22,150
Duh! We were shooting
my album cover.
35
00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:26,151
Yes! Good, yes,
that is perfect!
36
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:27,401
Perfect for what?
37
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:31,202
Come on, it's an album
cover, not an Amish bible.
38
00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:35,785
Ya gotta sex that shit up sexy.
Um...
39
00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,825
I think it's pretty sexy.
40
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:39,410
PAM: You think
that's sexy?
41
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,996
With the rocket pops
outside of you?
42
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:43,629
I mean...
43
00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:46,174
But if she eats them, we lose
the whole red, white and...
44
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:47,501
Okay.
45
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:49,507
Yeah, not talking
about eatin' em.
46
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,008
Wait, what are you...
47
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:54,592
You want me to put a
rocket pop in my vagina?
48
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,893
Well, for starters.
(GASPS)
49
00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:58,220
But let's not
rule anything out,
50
00:02:58,303 --> 00:03:00,101
you know, let's see
where that leads.
51
00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:01,606
We've got a shitload of film.
52
00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:03,976
I'm supposed to
have film in this?
53
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,523
God damn it!
Krieger!
54
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:07,525
So, I have
a question.
55
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:09,197
The butthole, Lana,
is what I was...
56
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:10,273
Yeah, I got that.
57
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,485
But do you think the cover
for a country album
58
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,285
should be hardcore?
59
00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:17,114
What do you even
call that, food porn?
60
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,623
I do.
61
00:03:18,782 --> 00:03:21,285
You think it makes a good
country album cover,
62
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:22,665
or you call it
food porn?
63
00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:24,788
Yes.
Are you...
64
00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:26,002
(CHERYL SCREAMS)
65
00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:27,879
These things
are freezing.
66
00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:29,592
Film, film, film, film, film!
(SCREAMS)
67
00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,716
Quit putting rocket pops
in your ass!
68
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:34,347
I'm eating them!
69
00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:36,683
Jesus, what is
wrong with you?
70
00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:38,970
I guess I just
don't get art.
71
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,304
You obviously don't.
72
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:42,643
And it's not that we don't
appreciate criticism?
73
00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:44,228
It just needs to
be constructive.
74
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,817
Yeah, Lana.
MALORY: Shut up.
75
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:48,395
And then tell me what happened
to the hundred pounds of...
76
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:49,445
Kilos.
Kilos.
77
00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:51,194
Kilos, thank you,
shut up,
78
00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:53,526
of cocaine that
you took to Colombia.
79
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:54,651
Which...
80
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:55,782
Lana, when I want
you to talk,
81
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:58,325
I will tell you. And until
then, zip it. Wha...
82
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,123
What did I do?
Nothing!
83
00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:01,290
Yeah, Lana.
84
00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:03,160
Which is why these
feckless idiots
85
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,837
lost 200 kilos of cocaine!
86
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,581
Yeah, La... Oh!
87
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:10,212
Okay, technically, but
then we stole a plane
88
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,756
loaded with, like,
twice as much cocaine.
89
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:15,763
Is this the part
where you tell me
90
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:17,466
to look under my seat?
91
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:20,268
No, unfortunately,
we ran into some...
92
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:21,929
ARCHER: Assholishness.
93
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:24,021
(CYRIL AND RAY SCREAMING)
94
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,517
RAY: Archer,
I swear to God!
95
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:30,229
I will crash this plane right
into the goddamn ocean!
96
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:32,440
I'll take my chances
with the ocean!
97
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,695
The ocean isn't
full of alligators.
98
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,739
And do not even
think about it, Cyril.
99
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:38,115
Ray, what do I do?
100
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,322
Uh, I guess hang on.
101
00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:41,832
(GRUNTS)
(ARCHER AND CYRIL SCREAM)
102
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,120
(THUD)
(CYRIL GRUNTS)
103
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,372
Sorry, Cyril.
104
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,453
ARCHER: Ow!
105
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,538
Oh, shut up,
it's your own fault.
106
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,044
It's debatable.
No, it's...
107
00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:52,759
Shut up, come on, Ray, there
has to be somewhere to land
108
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:54,882
besides the middle of
the damn Everglades.
109
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,759
Well, not within
fuel range, so...
110
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:57,964
And whose fault is that?
111
00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,891
Isaac goddamn Newton!
112
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,976
You see that airstrip,
the one that's circled?
113
00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:03,474
That's the only
one in range,
114
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:06,523
and we've only barely got
enough fuel to make it there...
115
00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:08,817
ARCHER: But Miami's
right over here.
116
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,898
We can't land at
a real airport.
117
00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:12,650
Even if Ray had
filed a flight plan...
118
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:15,069
Why didn't you file a flight plan?
Wha...
119
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,488
That's like
Airplane Stuff 101.
120
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,319
Not when the airplane
is stolen
121
00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:21,496
and crammed full
of guns and cocaine!
122
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:22,656
Oh.
123
00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:24,116
I will concede
that point.
124
00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:25,166
Dammit.
125
00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:26,243
What's up?
What's going on?
126
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,454
RAY: Burning too much fuel.
We're heavy.
127
00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:29,834
What do you
mean, "heavy"?
128
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,005
You said we had
enough fuel to...
129
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:32,082
I said barely!
130
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,543
I bet the Colombians didn't
count on three passengers!
131
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:36,720
Oh, my God,
we're gonna crash.
132
00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:39,674
Cyril, do not panic.
Just get out.
133
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,679
What?
Do the right thing, Cyril.
134
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,431
You have nothing
to live for.
135
00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,266
Get your hands off me.
136
00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,313
Okay, relax, Jesus.
137
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:49,057
What ever happened
to Team Archer?
138
00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:51,313
Please tell me that was
never a real thing to you.
139
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:52,652
Eh... I mean...
140
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:55,071
Hello! Time's a bit
of a factor here!
141
00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:57,820
Cyril, for the love
of God, man, jump!
142
00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,697
Just throw out
the cocaine.
143
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:00,743
What? No!
144
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:03,663
I'm not telling Mother I lost the
original hundred pounds of...
145
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:04,739
Kilos!
Kilos!
146
00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:07,201
Whatever unit of
measurement, of cocaine.
147
00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:09,293
Plus all this cocaine.
148
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,212
Do you have any
idea how mad she'd be?
149
00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:13,256
Well, the alternative
is a belly landing
150
00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:14,958
in a swamp filled
with alligators.
151
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,256
No, no, no.
What if, um...
152
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,804
Archer! Alligators
or your mother!
153
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:20,888
What's the difference?
154
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:23,433
They're both cold-blooded
prehistoric monsters.
155
00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:24,509
(MALORY CLEARS THROAT)
156
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,186
Excuse me?
157
00:06:26,428 --> 00:06:29,602
I meant the pain of
disappointing you would bite.
158
00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:32,647
Alligator-ish-ly.
159
00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:35,271
Uh-huh. Anyway,
right about then...
160
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:36,942
RAY: Okay, I can
see the airstrip.
161
00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:39,149
Oh, can we make it?
Maybe, if you...
162
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:42,987
Wait! Ray, you said the Colombians
were flying to this airstrip?
163
00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:46,157
Yes! Why do you think it's
marked on the chart, you idiot?
164
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,662
Okay well, let's circle
back to who's an idiot
165
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:52,497
and talk about who's probably
waiting at this airstrip.
166
00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:53,622
(GASPS)
Dukes.
167
00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:55,582
And what their
reaction will be
168
00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,258
to three
total strangers
169
00:06:57,334 --> 00:07:00,304
showing up in their plane
without their coke.
170
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:01,504
They'll kill us.
171
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,511
Well, maybe not.
172
00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:04,929
Why maybe not?
Wait, why?
173
00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:06,009
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
174
00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:07,390
(ALL EXCLAIM)
175
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:08,595
Because that.
176
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,556
(SPUTTERING)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
177
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:12,307
And that.
178
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:13,850
Happy?
179
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,528
What, like,
in general, or...
180
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:20,399
Ooh! This is exciting.
I hope everyone dies.
181
00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:22,822
Uh, we obviously didn't...
182
00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:24,194
Oh.
183
00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:25,863
Hardy har, Mother.
184
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:36,085
MALORY: And so our heroes,
such as they are,
185
00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:39,088
have run out of
fuel and... What?
186
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,886
RAY: No, no, no!
What are you doing?
187
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,721
Throwing out the guns.
188
00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:45,556
RAY: No, no, no, no!
189
00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:47,717
You're screwing
the trim all to hell.
190
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:50,763
(CHUCKLES) This no-phrasing
thing is killing me.
191
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:53,473
Best case, our glide ratio
is maybe ten-to-one!
192
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,851
But it's a lot less with the damn
door hanging... (COCKING GUN)
193
00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:57,311
No, no, no!
194
00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:00,063
ARCHER: Whoo!
195
00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:02,406
Whoa, whoa. Whoa!
(THUDDING)
196
00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:03,783
You idiots!
197
00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:04,859
What did I do?
198
00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:07,492
Don't, there's no talking to
him when he gets like this.
199
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,163
RAY: Dump the damn guns.
200
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,991
Uh, I am,
if you'd shut up.
201
00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,917
Wait, wait, wait, Cyril.
202
00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:14,703
What, Archer?
203
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:17,130
RAY: We're coming in!
Brace for landing!
204
00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:18,548
Tell ya in a minute.
205
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:19,840
RAY: Gear down!
206
00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:20,917
(CYRIL WHIMPERING)
207
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:26,139
(GRUNTING) We're not gonna make it!
(ALARMS RINGING)
208
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:28,641
Exciting, isn't it?
209
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,343
CYRIL: Wha..
210
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,387
Wha... Whoa!
211
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:33,805
(LAUGHING)
212
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,814
ARCHER: Oh. So Cyril...
213
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,107
What I was
gonna say was...
214
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,568
Maybe don't throw out
all the guns.
215
00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:44,615
Because you
know what they say.
216
00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:46,985
It's better to have
a gun and not need it
217
00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:48,991
than to be the world's
biggest dickhead,
218
00:08:49,112 --> 00:08:51,865
and inside your head, there's
a million more dicks,
219
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:54,163
like, uh, if you cut
open a golf ball,
220
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:56,119
only instead of those little
rubber bands in there,
221
00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:58,209
it's just, you know...
222
00:08:58,288 --> 00:08:59,460
Dicks?
223
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,633
Oh. So you have
heard that?
224
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,843
And so Gillette
lands safely,
225
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,258
I'm sure there's a joke in
there about fairy dust,
226
00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:07,634
and then what happens?
227
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:10,217
(LAUGHING) Yeah, tell
her what happens next.
228
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:12,639
I will if you shut
your mouth.
229
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,680
Okay, listen up.
Say what you will
230
00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,481
about my skills
as a drug kingpin.
231
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,058
Completely nonexistent.
You don't have any.
232
00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:19,566
Are you done?
233
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:20,773
Yes.
Yes.
234
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,567
Good, because if there's
one thing I'm good at,
235
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:24,568
out of the million other
things I'm good at,
236
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:27,491
it's infiltrating the enemy
with an assumed identity.
237
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:28,617
Named Randy.
238
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,695
Named shut up,
it's not always Randy.
239
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,531
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.
Always.
240
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:34,624
(ALL AGREEING)
241
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,002
That's because
Randy's awesome.
242
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,045
And I'm the best in
the world at this,
243
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,214
so shut up and
follow my lead.
244
00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,084
Hey, guys... Oh!
(GUNSHOT)
245
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:45,714
(BOTH WHIMPER)
(COCKING GUN)
246
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,338
Anybody else in there?
247
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,178
CYRIL: No.
RAY: No.
248
00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:52,766
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
249
00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:54,894
Sterling, how are
you not dead?
250
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:58,185
Because I didn't get shot with
buckshot, I got beanbagged.
251
00:09:58,389 --> 00:09:59,390
(IMITATES MEOWING)
252
00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:01,189
Beanbagged, Pam.
253
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:02,560
(ALL GASP)
254
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,153
CHERYL: Awesome.
Oh, my God!
255
00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:05,446
Yeah, I could've died.
256
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,361
Pfft. It was a beanbag.
257
00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:08,950
Medical fact, Cyril.
258
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,698
If you get hit in the
chest between heartbeats,
259
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:11,778
you can die.
260
00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:12,904
Go ask Houdini.
261
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:16,033
(LAUGHS) Ask him what,
how to get AIDS?
262
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,163
(SIGHS) So who
were these goons?
263
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:23,749
They were... They kinda
looked ex-military,
264
00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:24,879
now that you mention it.
265
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,301
American.
Yeah,
266
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,593
and the leader's
name was...
267
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,426
Slater. Just call me Slater.
268
00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:31,882
And sorry about
the beanbag.
269
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,140
Man, that must kill.
270
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,968
Yeah, you hear
“beanbag",
271
00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:37,895
you think Beanie Baby,
not internal bleeding.
272
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:41,066
Well, the door was shot off and
we didn't know who you were.
273
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,818
Still don't,
I guess, formally, uh...
274
00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:46,066
Uh, Rando.
275
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,147
Rando.
276
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:48,940
Yep.
Rando...
277
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:51,989
No, that's it.
It's a mononym.
278
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,490
Like Cher.
279
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,155
Pliny.
Cantinflas!
280
00:10:55,238 --> 00:10:57,491
I know what
mononym means.
281
00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,913
What I don't know is
who you people are.
282
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:03,375
Uh, I'm Rando, I think we
covered that fairly well,
283
00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:06,333
and these are the, uh,
McCracken brothers,
284
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:08,089
Phil and Odie.
285
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:09,594
Hello.
Odie, hush!
286
00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,595
So why do you guys
have my cocaine?
287
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,132
We...
I'm not done.
288
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,467
Sorry. What have you
done with Gomez...
289
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:22,189
What, you're just
not gonna answer?
290
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,317
Oh! Sorry,
291
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:27,316
you trailed off like
there was a third...
292
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:28,772
Why do you have my cocaine
293
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:31,358
and where the hell is
Gomez, full goddamn stop!
294
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,451
Gomez was
gonna steal it.
295
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,527
Says who?
296
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:36,742
(LAUGHS) "Who." Nice.
297
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:40,538
Anyway, they called
us in to address that.
298
00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:43,461
Which we did, and now
we're here, and...
299
00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:49,342
Full stop?
300
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,970
Okay, this is the last
of it. The weight's good,
301
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,264
we tested ten of the bricks,
looks like it's all here.
302
00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:57,513
Well, either you guys are the shittiest
coke thieves on the planet...
303
00:11:57,926 --> 00:11:59,974
(LAUGHS)
Which we are not.
304
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,805
You know,
if that was...
305
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,398
I mean, if we
put our minds to it...
306
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,396
Look, here's the thing about
the McCracken brothers.
307
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,569
Odie, hush!
You were saying?
308
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,237
Hey, between you and me,
309
00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:11,440
I thought Gomez was
hinky from the get-go.
310
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:14,822
And since the coke's all here,
let's get you fellas loaded.
311
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:17,324
Yeah, now you're talking.
312
00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,114
About something else.
313
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:21,074
Entirely. Apparently.
314
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:22,374
(LAUGHS) What,
315
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,498
did you nerf-nuts think I was
talking about getting drunk?
316
00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,629
Uh. Yeah, on money.
317
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:27,830
(LAUGHS)
318
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,882
Oh, man, classic Rando.
319
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,468
And don't worry, Calderon's
good for the money.
320
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,096
At least for now,
am I right fellas?
321
00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:37,056
Are you?
(LAUGHS)
322
00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:38,725
Classic Rando.
323
00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:40,935
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, Rando's awesome.
324
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:42,853
So, obviously you're
not gonna be able
325
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:44,769
to pressurize
this baby, so...
326
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,316
I'll keep it under 8,000.
327
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,021
Still gonna
freeze your asses off.
328
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,603
Good thing you're
flying south, huh?
329
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:51,063
Mmm, yep.
330
00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:52,864
You do know where
you're going, right?
331
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:55,116
I absolutely know
where we're going.
332
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,864
Yeah, back home,
to ask Mommy what to do.
333
00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,116
Hey, shut up!
334
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:00,242
You shut up!
Aah!
335
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:02,031
Ow!
336
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:05,539
Ma, they done
killed old Rando!
337
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:11,545
So you leave here
338
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,626
with a bunch of the
first load of cocaine,
339
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:16,429
which just mysteriously
appeared at ISIS
340
00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,385
and that Malory
swears wasn't hers...
341
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,216
Because it most
certainly was not.
342
00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:22,135
Wait, then where
did it come from?
343
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:23,891
Obviously from Sterling.
Obviously from Mother.
344
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,267
No, not from me!
No, not from me!
345
00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:26,765
Well, I certainly...
Well, I certainly...
346
00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,350
(WHISTLES)
(ALL SCREAM)
347
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,059
Sorry to break that up.
348
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,646
I love Freaky Friday
as much as the next gal,
349
00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,198
but let's just press on,
operating under the assumption
350
00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:38,117
that one, or more likely both,
of you are lying, and...
351
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,569
Lana, I swear...
Lana, I swear...
352
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,196
(WHISTLES) Pressing on.
353
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:44,203
So then you stumble into another
bunch of cocaine in the jungle,
354
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:45,909
and then continue
stumbling
355
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,086
into a beanbagging
arms dealer.
356
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,630
So that now,
almost inexplicably,
357
00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:53,128
we have enough weapons
to invade Quebec.
358
00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:54,459
Wait, literally?
359
00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:56,052
No Krieger,
not literally.
360
00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:57,466
(GROANS)
Lame.
361
00:13:57,587 --> 00:13:58,679
Well, if we ever do,
362
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,553
the best time to invade
is right after brunch,
363
00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,133
when they're all logy.
364
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:03,305
Archer?
365
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:05,428
I dunno,
it couldn't hurt, but...
366
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:08,060
Still talking about this.
Not invading Quebec.
367
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:11,022
Oh. Yeah, then they loaded
the plane with the weapons,
368
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,443
said we were
heading south
369
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,361
and that Calderon
would pay us.
370
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:18,024
Calderon? (GASPS)
As in Gustavo Calderon?
371
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:20,864
(BURPS)
372
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:21,990
Should I know
who that is?
373
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:23,162
How could you not?
374
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:24,204
I dunno, Cyril.
375
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,250
Maybe I was busy saving your
life once, and then you shot me.
376
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:30,374
Gustavo Calderon,
aka Baby Gus,
377
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:32,296
is the president
of San Marcos.
378
00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:33,456
(BURPS)
379
00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:34,715
Should I know...
380
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:38,841
Oh, for God's sake, Sterling, it's
a country. In Central America.
381
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:41,222
Mmm, not according
to this.
382
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:43,391
Because that thing's
a hundred years old.
383
00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:45,434
It still says
German East Africa.
384
00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:47,478
We will never
recognize Tanganyika.
385
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,521
Well, it's Tanzania
now, so...
386
00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:50,811
(GROANS)
Lame.
387
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,817
Well, whatever, as long as they
don't nationalize the ivory trade.
388
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,313
I don't think my portfolio
can take the hit.
389
00:14:58,189 --> 00:15:00,408
Trust me,
San Marcos is a country.
390
00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:02,493
And it's in the middle
of a civil war.
391
00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:05,910
Communist rebels are tearing
through the countryside like...
392
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:08,783
Cows. Bees. Hang on.
393
00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:10,785
Bees.
394
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,288
(SIGHS) How do you not
know about San Marcos?
395
00:15:13,371 --> 00:15:15,840
It's all over
the news every night.
396
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,751
MALE REPORTER:
...from San Marcos tonight,
397
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:20,128
as the Communist rebel
forces consolidate
398
00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:21,838
their gains on
the countryside,
399
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,056
and now prepare to
move on the capital.
400
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,680
We spoke with President
Gustavo Calderon,
401
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:30,514
seen here volunteering at the
hospital, comforting the wounded.
402
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:32,648
Oh, hello, I did
not see you there.
403
00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:34,525
I was comforting
this brave young man here,
404
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,102
the fruit of San Marcos,
405
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,688
wounded by
a Communist sneeper.
406
00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:41,358
I think he has died. Yes.
407
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,572
But let me say this,
to the Communists
408
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,619
who are murdering
our brave young fruits,
409
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:49,450
and to their puppetmasters in
Moscow and the capital of China,
410
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:52,501
you cannot kill
the spirit of San Mar...
411
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,539
(GROANS) Lame. As in, who cares?
412
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:56,964
The United States.
413
00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:59,667
Apparently, Calderon is
barely clinging to power.
414
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,212
Huh. You think this
is somehow related?
415
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:03,963
(LAUGHS)
416
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,389
I'm kidding, obviously.
417
00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:06,891
CYRIL: Are you?
No, I can't tell.
418
00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:08,180
Yes, I'm kidding.
419
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:10,845
Because you wanna know what I
really think is going on here?
420
00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:12,271
You're all jealous!
421
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:15,642
My album's coming out and it's gonna
be huge, and you're all jealous,
422
00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:17,398
and so you just want
to ruin it for me!
423
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,771
Why would I want
to ruin your album?
424
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,898
I get 50 percent
of the profits.
425
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:23,278
Archer?
426
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:25,493
I dunno,
maybe a little jealous,
427
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:26,990
it's an exciting
time for her.
428
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,447
This! Still talking
about this!
429
00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:32,121
Oh. Right, right, right.
So what I think is...
430
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,453
I think you've managed
to stumble backwards
431
00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:38,711
into a CIA-backed, anti-communist,
drugs-for-arms operation.
432
00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:41,843
Wow! That actually
makes more sense.
433
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,044
Than?
434
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:45,004
No, let's just go
with her thing.
435
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,464
Which,
if it's true, is...
436
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:47,548
Wonderful!
437
00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:48,804
I was going to
say terrible.
438
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,223
Because you are
a timid man, Cyril.
439
00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:52,929
What?
No, I'm not!
440
00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:55,939
Dude, your balls
are made of pussy.
441
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:57,437
(LAUGHING)
442
00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:58,893
(GROANS)
443
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:03,022
All kidding aside, I maybe
should go to a hospital.
444
00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:04,857
Cyril, this is
an opportunity
445
00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:06,568
to finally
make some money.
446
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,615
Even if we had
a buyer for the cocaine,
447
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,537
do we even still
have half of it left?
448
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:13,366
Eh...
449
00:17:13,491 --> 00:17:14,538
What?
450
00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:17,245
It's, urn,
you know, not, it's...
451
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,623
Krieger!
Tell me what's going on
452
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:22,333
or I will literally
emasculate you!
453
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:25,010
Well no, if you literally emascu...
(COUGHS)
454
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,304
Okay, so,
for a few weeks,
455
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,758
I've been working on
a bit of a side project.
456
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:34,471
I give you,
the Red Kriegtober!
457
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:39,400
Um... Or the Red OctKrieger,
I can't decide.
458
00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:41,940
It's a narco-sub.
For transporting cocaine.
459
00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:44,863
It's totally undetectable
by the Coast Guard.
460
00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:45,986
Thoughts?
461
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,908
How are you gonna get
it out of here? Hmm?
462
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:51,245
How does that thing
leave this room?
463
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,204
God! Dammit!
464
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:59,170
Oh, for the... How much money did you
waste on that little boondoggle?
465
00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,339
Well it's not
that so much as...
466
00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:02,832
Krieger?
467
00:18:02,957 --> 00:18:04,425
Well, I needed ballast,
468
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,344
and what better to simulate
bricks of cocaine than,
469
00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:08,971
you know,
bricks of cocaine.
470
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:10,260
Krieger...
471
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,891
And when I realized
it would never
472
00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:13,593
feel the wind
on its face
473
00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:17,271
or taste the salty
spray of the sea, I...
474
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:18,347
I...
475
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:22,893
MALORY: You what?
476
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,194
I blew it up!
477
00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:28,571
God damn you all to hell,
I blew it up!
478
00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:30,614
(ALL TALKING IN DISBELIEF)
479
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:31,987
You mean
it's all gone?
480
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,532
(SNIFFLING) No.
No, not all of it.
481
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:37,579
(PAM CRYING)
482
00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:40,536
Why?
483
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:42,246
(SHUSHING)
484
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:44,461
There, there.
485
00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:47,673
Woodhouse dear,
I need some more ice.
486
00:18:47,752 --> 00:18:48,878
Straightaway, mum.
487
00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:52,515
Oh. And a small bowl, a
mirror, a needle and thread,
488
00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:54,888
and a straight razor.
ARCHER: Whoa! Whoa!
489
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:56,844
You're not
emasculating Krieger.
490
00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:58,971
What the hell
was the mirror for?
491
00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:00,981
So you could watch.
492
00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:02,391
Eep!
493
00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:03,684
Oh.
494
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:05,019
(SIGHS)
495
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,689
The perfect ending
to the perfect...
496
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:11,071
(LAUGHS)
I almost said "evening."
497
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:12,986
More like months,
though, isn't it?
498
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,283
Since we started
scrabbling for coins
499
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:17,832
because the damn
government took away our...
500
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:21,744
Everything.
They took everything.
501
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:22,999
And the only
thing that was left,
502
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:26,333
you idiots either lost,
gave away, ate,
503
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:29,961
or just blew up and sank.
504
00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:31,845
Yeah, Krieger.
Archer?
505
00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:33,885
And so, starting now,
in addition to
506
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:36,717
the country music business,
which...
507
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:38,678
Right?
508
00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:41,017
We are in the
arms business.
509
00:19:41,222 --> 00:19:43,600
There's still
a little cocaine left.
510
00:19:43,766 --> 00:19:45,268
Krieger?
Yeah, Krieger.
511
00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:47,649
And do we wanna
talk about this, or...
512
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:48,775
You're welcome to.
513
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:52,199
I personally am going to bed.
It's been a long night.
514
00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:55,077
Oh, yeah, why are
you all dressed up?
515
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:57,905
Well, not that it's any
of anyone's business,
516
00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,456
but I had dinner
with Ron.
517
00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,409
(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)
518
00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:03,753
Wait, you're still
getting divorced, right?
519
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:06,209
No. We have decided to
give it another chance,
520
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:09,007
and so we will be going to
marriage counseling and...
521
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,209
(MUMBLING)
522
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:11,586
Wait, what?
Huh?
523
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:13,095
Marriage counseling and what?
MALORY: Oh, for...
524
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,804
We've decided to
have an open marriage.
525
00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:19,852
Okay.
Great.
526
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,978
Oh, my God.
527
00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:24,061
Well, it was
either that or...
528
00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:25,141
(PHONE RINGING)
529
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,652
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
It's Ron!
530
00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:30,988
Hel...
ARCHER: Oh, no!
531
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,481
And so...
532
00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:34,742
Jesus. Hope he
doesn't call me.
533
00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,823
Why would he call you...
(PHONE RINGING)
534
00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:42,746
(CLEARS THROAT)
535
00:20:45,788 --> 00:20:55,963
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)