1
00:00:02,302 --> 00:00:04,167
We're all adults. What's the harm?
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:04,371 --> 00:00:09,866
We can do this with dignity,
self-restraint and, dare I say, honor.
3
00:00:10,076 --> 00:00:11,703
The game is True American...
4
00:00:11,911 --> 00:00:13,640
One-two-three-four, JFK...
5
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,974
FDR.
6
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:17,479
King of the castle, baby.
7
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:20,847
Grover Cleveland round.
Non-consecutive shots.
8
00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:22,715
[ALL YELLING]
9
00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:26,082
Welcome to Ellis Island, folks.
10
00:00:26,292 --> 00:00:27,520
- You're a Bill.
- Agh!
11
00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:29,126
- You're a George.
- Yes.
12
00:00:29,329 --> 00:00:30,956
- You're a Bill.
- Agh.
13
00:00:31,164 --> 00:00:32,688
You're Greek, get out of here.
14
00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:36,164
- What? Why am I Greek?
- You're a Greek. Get out of here. And you...
15
00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:39,429
- Unh!
- He's got the plague. Scatter!
16
00:00:39,639 --> 00:00:40,833
Hello!
17
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,100
[ALL SHOUTING]
18
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,473
Taft just sat on you.
19
00:00:49,749 --> 00:00:52,047
My name is Eli Whitney.
I created the cotton gin.
20
00:00:52,252 --> 00:00:54,083
ALL [CHANTING]:
Gin! Gin! Gin!
21
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:58,084
Agh! Oh!
22
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,089
[NICK SNORES]
23
00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:04,062
Oh, God.
24
00:01:04,931 --> 00:01:06,262
[SINGING]
Who's that girl?
25
00:01:06,466 --> 00:01:08,957
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
26
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:14,999
[NICK GROANS]
27
00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:16,870
- Son of a...
- Ooh.
28
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,443
Jess, did we die?
29
00:01:20,346 --> 00:01:23,281
- No, alive.
- Shh.
30
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,343
- Turkey bacon.
- Aw.
31
00:01:26,553 --> 00:01:30,421
- That's nice. That's nice.
- That's nice.
32
00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:32,920
- Good sleep?
- Unh.
33
00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:35,856
- It's time for hydration.
- Mm.
34
00:01:36,062 --> 00:01:38,189
Oh. Help me out.
35
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:42,965
I'm trying. You're... Unh.
36
00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:46,972
You drink some water.
37
00:01:47,173 --> 00:01:49,971
Son of a bitch,
the water fell on the ground.
38
00:01:50,176 --> 00:01:52,076
Here. Here you go.
39
00:01:52,312 --> 00:01:55,372
Drink the water. That's good.
40
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,344
[PHONE BEEPING]
41
00:01:57,550 --> 00:01:59,575
- Oh, no. Agh.
- No.
42
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,583
Make it stop. Jessica, make it stop.
43
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,384
Agh!
44
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,788
Oh, unh.
45
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:07,717
Hello.
46
00:02:07,927 --> 00:02:11,988
Where are you? It's Jacob's first birthday,
you're his godmother, I need you here.
47
00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:16,328
Sir, hi. Who are you?
This is a private residence.
48
00:02:16,536 --> 00:02:18,766
I'll be right there.
49
00:02:19,038 --> 00:02:21,563
[GROANING]
50
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:25,501
Hey, Nick, it's me, Jess.
I've really bad news.
51
00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:28,306
We have to go to a one-year-old's
birthday party.
52
00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:31,908
I'm not interested in that birthday party.
Thanks for the invitation.
53
00:02:32,118 --> 00:02:33,642
[JESS GROANS]
54
00:02:33,853 --> 00:02:37,949
- Oh, I'm so hungover. Why today?
- Wha...?
55
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,250
You think it went bad?
56
00:02:39,459 --> 00:02:41,791
We're your new neighbors.
57
00:02:44,931 --> 00:02:48,594
Um, I think your bagel fell out of your mouth.
58
00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:51,297
I'm Jewish.
59
00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:54,234
Why didn't you tell me
I was wearing ladies sunglasses?
60
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,238
I look like Magic Johnson's son E.J.
61
00:02:57,443 --> 00:03:00,810
Hey, you guys, I got a problem.
You know that guy I'm dating?
62
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,504
Buster, your child bride?
63
00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:04,114
He's 20, not that it matters.
64
00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:06,285
- He smooth all over?
- He take baths in the sink?
65
00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:08,852
I sent him a bunch of drunk texts last night.
66
00:03:09,055 --> 00:03:10,784
- What?
- Mm.
67
00:03:11,824 --> 00:03:13,348
- Oh, dear lord.
- I know.
68
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,961
"I miss the way that your hands smell"?
Did you write a Jewel song?
69
00:03:17,163 --> 00:03:19,825
- Is it from "Pieces of You"?
- You wanna buy a rabbit with him?
70
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,501
This isn't a text message,
it's a Russian novel.
71
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,863
Okay, well, you know, what do I do?
72
00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:28,768
Text him one of the little yellow men.
The emoticons. With the face...
73
00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:30,306
With the faces.
74
00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:32,137
I hate all of you.
75
00:03:32,345 --> 00:03:34,438
So we really tanked it with those babes.
76
00:03:34,647 --> 00:03:38,310
We need to orchestrate a situation
which allows us to put our best foot forward.
77
00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:41,078
- That's easy. We help them move.
- Winston? Winston.
78
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:43,687
- Shh.
- Why? It makes perfect sense.
79
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:46,154
Helping a girl move
makes you come off as a doormat.
80
00:03:46,359 --> 00:03:49,192
Honey, honey, honey,
just listen to Coach.
81
00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:53,491
Baby, look, let us handle this, okay?
You go help Cece with the text messages.
82
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:57,295
You know, maybe I will, but only because
I really do enjoy helping people.
83
00:03:57,503 --> 00:04:00,336
You're gonna be great, buddy.
84
00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:03,031
- You'll do good things, man.
- Think we were we too harsh?
85
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:06,076
He makes you. He does.
Don't blame yourself.
86
00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:08,042
Agh.
87
00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:12,350
- How the hell did this happen?
JESS: Unh.
88
00:04:12,552 --> 00:04:14,520
I found some things and I put them on.
89
00:04:16,789 --> 00:04:18,256
- Throw this on.
- Okay.
90
00:04:18,491 --> 00:04:19,651
Cover up the tops.
91
00:04:21,294 --> 00:04:22,352
You look great.
92
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,258
[CRYING]
93
00:04:24,464 --> 00:04:27,865
- No.
- I couldn't have done it without you.
94
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,763
You're getting emotional.
You do this when you're hungover.
95
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,767
Stay focused. We can get to that party.
96
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,064
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
97
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,105
- We just need the gift.
- I got the gift.
98
00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:37,901
All right.
99
00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:42,404
Why is it in the box?
It's supposed to be assembled.
100
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:47,052
I said I'd put it together before the party,
and it's before the party. What's the problem?
101
00:04:47,253 --> 00:04:48,481
Just give me five minutes.
102
00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:56,084
Ten minutes tops, but I got this thing.
103
00:04:56,296 --> 00:05:00,756
This is it. Christmas morning.
104
00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:04,430
Our little guy waiting by the fireplace.
105
00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:08,698
But there's no gift because Daddy's
in the other room putting it together.
106
00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:11,138
Did you say "our kid"?
107
00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:15,371
Yeah, sometimes I think about
what our kid would be like. Don't you?
108
00:05:16,749 --> 00:05:18,649
- Yeah.
- You don't think about the future?
109
00:05:18,851 --> 00:05:23,049
Can we not talk about this now? Six hours ago
I was lapping cognac out of Winston's hand.
110
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,247
Drink it up, Checkers.
Forget what you saw.
111
00:05:25,458 --> 00:05:28,086
Never talk about anything serious
when you're hungover.
112
00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:32,390
I don't really think about it that much.
I just think about passing things.
113
00:05:32,598 --> 00:05:33,895
Nothing specific.
114
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,796
- We live in a house by a lake.
- Sounds pretty specific.
115
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:40,837
We live in a town with history, but not so
much the locals are suspicious of people.
116
00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:45,807
We have two small children who are so
incredibly creative they named themselves.
117
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:49,812
We don't discipline the kids because
they're so afraid of disappointing us.
118
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,313
Our house smells like cider.
119
00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:55,453
And if there's a horse out back,
you're not gonna get any guff from me.
120
00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:58,556
Anyways, that's where I'm at. Pssh.
121
00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:02,854
What are you thinking? What, um?
122
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,461
Where do you picture us?
123
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:09,066
Where do? Nick? Nick?
124
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,370
Oh, God. I still feel like crap.
125
00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:21,479
Could you look at this follow-up text
that I'm sending Buster?
126
00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:23,911
- Your little boy?
- Try to be helpful.
127
00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:26,584
- What are we looking at?
- Are those nursing cats?
128
00:06:26,786 --> 00:06:30,415
- Winston said it was funny.
- It's not. It's borderline pornographic.
129
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,916
Wait, those are not cats.
That's a human man.
130
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,027
- What are they sucking on?
- What websites are you going to?
131
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:41,189
- What are you guys doing out here?
- Creating a bump-in with our neighbors.
132
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,426
Elevator's on the move.
You gotta go, you're too hot.
133
00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:44,933
- You'll confuse them.
- Ugh!
134
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:50,539
Yes, well, it's my garden party
and Zachary Quinto is not on the list.
135
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:51,903
[WINSTON GRUNTING]
136
00:06:52,111 --> 00:06:54,705
- You sure you can handle that?
- I'm fine. I'm fine.
137
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:58,350
- Are you sure?
- To the right a little bit.
138
00:06:58,551 --> 00:07:00,348
Son of a bitch.
139
00:07:00,553 --> 00:07:03,351
We'll get you some nice, cold lemonade
after this, okay? Ooh!
140
00:07:03,556 --> 00:07:06,286
- Be careful. Good lord.
- Agh! Unh.
141
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:09,825
We don't have to talk about the future.
Let's put this toy together.
142
00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:13,362
- I wanna talk about the future.
- Okay. Great. All right.
143
00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:15,693
It would be cool to be a long-haul trucker.
144
00:07:15,902 --> 00:07:18,166
You wanna be a long-haul trucker
with a family?
145
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:20,032
No, the family would be in Montana.
146
00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:23,208
Or Mars Landing, you know,
if the government finally steps up.
147
00:07:24,310 --> 00:07:25,607
Where is Mars Landing?
148
00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:29,543
Where is Mars Landing? It's on Mars.
It's the American capital of Mars.
149
00:07:29,749 --> 00:07:32,718
If you don't think there's gonna
be space travel in 20 years...
150
00:07:32,919 --> 00:07:35,911
...then you've got your head
buried in sand, girlie. Heh.
151
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,714
It's already basically happening.
152
00:07:37,924 --> 00:07:41,223
- I always thought I'd move back to Portland.
- Oh, Portland, Earth?
153
00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:46,387
It's like friendly San Francisco.
Slow food, fast bicycles, great schools.
154
00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:50,296
- Education is very important to me.
- That makes me happy that we agree.
155
00:07:50,503 --> 00:07:52,903
- I really want my kids to beg for it.
- What?
156
00:07:53,105 --> 00:07:55,437
- Force a kid into school, he'll hate it.
- Oh, no.
157
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:58,542
If you make a kid work, sit in the yard
and grind and grind...
158
00:07:58,744 --> 00:08:01,611
- What?
- Eventually, that kid is gonna beg for education.
159
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:04,612
Then you hand it to them
like the gift that it should be.
160
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:06,978
- No.
- That's why public school's ajoke.
161
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:09,984
I'm so hungover
and my body's shutting down...
162
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:13,090
...and nothing you're saying
makes any sense.
163
00:08:13,292 --> 00:08:16,193
There is something serious
I have to tell you about the future.
164
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:20,788
The name of my firstborn child
has to be Reginald VelJohnson.
165
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,661
I lost a bet to Schmidt.
166
00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:26,464
- Reginald VelJohnson?
- That is non-negotiable, unfortunately.
167
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:30,506
- The dad from Family Matters?
- Well, the actor. The dad is Carl Winslow.
168
00:08:30,743 --> 00:08:35,009
- What was the bet on?
- Said I could flip a big pancake. I couldn't.
169
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,242
[YELLING]
How is this going to work?
170
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:44,947
The only upside is the original name
was gonna be "Ass Baby"...
171
00:08:45,157 --> 00:08:47,682
...and I kind of talked my way
out of that one.
172
00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:49,589
The guys in this building are sweet.
173
00:08:49,795 --> 00:08:52,286
- It's no problem.
- Couldn't be easier. Piece of cake.
174
00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:54,659
COACH:
Love it.
175
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:56,494
It was my idea to help move.
176
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,500
The only reason we're doing this
is you forced us to.
177
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:02,799
Now they're gonna think of us
as nice and helpful. Nightmare.
178
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:05,472
- Hey.
- Hey.
179
00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:09,444
- Oh, cool. Your brother?
- Actually, it's my boyfriend.
180
00:09:10,416 --> 00:09:12,475
Yet he's not here to help you move.
181
00:09:12,685 --> 00:09:14,209
- He's out of the country.
- Oh?
182
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:16,513
- Afghanistan. Second tour.
- Ah.
183
00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:19,388
Please thank him for his service.
184
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:22,789
Are you and your boyfriend
and Michelle and her boyfriend...
185
00:09:22,995 --> 00:09:26,453
...gonna go on a double date
whenever he gets back from Afghanistan?
186
00:09:26,666 --> 00:09:29,567
She doesn't have a boyfriend.
She's not really the relationship type.
187
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:31,134
Oh, okay.
188
00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:34,500
- Just having fun right now.
- I feel you. I feel you. Ha-ha-ha.
189
00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:36,504
Girl, I wanna feel you.
190
00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:38,973
- And then there was one.
- May the best man win.
191
00:09:39,178 --> 00:09:41,840
- I'm also involved in this.
- Winston, get out of here.
192
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:43,481
Then there were three guys.
193
00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:48,983
Here's what I'm saying. Reginald is
way too shy to beg for an education.
194
00:09:49,188 --> 00:09:54,353
He's sensitive. When he's out on the horse,
he's staring at leaves and writing poems.
195
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:57,927
You know how many people
are killed on a horse every year?
196
00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:00,257
Hey, you're not listening
to what I'm saying.
197
00:10:00,466 --> 00:10:05,062
What I'm saying is, I'm not gonna
take Reginald out on the damn lake...
198
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:08,900
...when you're out on your space truck.
- We're not living by the lake.
199
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:12,737
Why would I spend my hard-earned
truck driver money on an Earth house?
200
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:16,779
You make up so much science fiction,
but you know nothing about science.
201
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:20,384
- Science is a belief.
- No, do you know what science is?
202
00:10:20,586 --> 00:10:22,019
- Yes.
- Have you taken a class?
203
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:26,089
- I've taught two at community college.
- When did you teach at a college?
204
00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:28,350
I didn't think you were
gonna fact-check me.
205
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:30,961
My kids are not gonna
beg for an education, okay?
206
00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:35,725
They're gonna be forced to go to school
just like everybody else and hate it!
207
00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:38,199
Can I actually be very real for a second?
208
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:39,871
- Yes.
- Here's what I believe.
209
00:10:40,072 --> 00:10:42,802
You can create a plan for your life...
210
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:45,534
...and then crazy things get thrown at you.
211
00:10:45,745 --> 00:10:49,875
And that, by the way,
is the closest thing that I have to a plan.
212
00:10:50,082 --> 00:10:53,984
So maybe it's crazy to talk about
being an intergalactic truck driver.
213
00:10:54,186 --> 00:10:58,486
What I think is crazier is trying to plan
every single detail of our future.
214
00:10:58,691 --> 00:10:59,988
I think it's crazy not to.
215
00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:01,819
I just can't live that way.
216
00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:05,088
- I guess we just disagree.
- Well, we never agree on anything.
217
00:11:05,297 --> 00:11:07,822
Why are we doing this right now?
We're hungover.
218
00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:10,969
Just because I wanna know
we're going in the same direction.
219
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:13,832
- Yes, we are.
- Well, we live on different planets.
220
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,803
You're talking about the fake future!
221
00:11:18,978 --> 00:11:21,139
I just...
222
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,974
I guess we want different things.
223
00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,173
- Clearly we do.
- Well, clearly we do.
224
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:28,751
All right, so, what are you saying?
Should we just break up?
225
00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:40,758
[LAUGHING]
226
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:45,368
Yeah, right, like we're just gonna break up.
Over what?
227
00:11:45,571 --> 00:11:49,667
- You don't like lakes, I don't like space.
- This is not why people break up.
228
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:51,706
"I wanna break up with you, sir."
229
00:11:51,911 --> 00:11:53,242
[IN LOW VOICE]
"Well, I break up..."
230
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,880
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] I don't do voices.
- I think I'm still drunk.
231
00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:58,448
- Let's get to the party.
- Build this toy and go.
232
00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:01,449
We are an unstoppable
toy-building team.
233
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:04,054
- Yes, we are.
- Yeah.
234
00:12:04,256 --> 00:12:06,816
First hurdle:
The instructions are upside down.
235
00:12:07,026 --> 00:12:09,517
It's a false alarm.
236
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:10,821
Okay, what do you got?
237
00:12:11,030 --> 00:12:14,363
- Take the thing that looks like a meth lab.
- This thing?
238
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,058
And put it in the thing
that looks like a pipe bomb.
239
00:12:17,269 --> 00:12:18,998
- Oh, hey!
- Oh, hey!
240
00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:21,036
Now we're cooking with gas.
241
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,707
- We're a good team.
- I agree.
242
00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:26,309
If you wanna move to Portland in the future,
then we're gonna move.
243
00:12:26,512 --> 00:12:29,072
You know, we'll live by the lake.
I'll learn to fish...
244
00:12:29,281 --> 00:12:33,650
...and me and Reginald will start
a newsletter. "Lake Father, Lake Son."
245
00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:38,153
If you wanna be a long-haul trucker,
I can deal with that for six months, tops.
246
00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:41,155
This piece is a little sticky,
but I think I can jam it.
247
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,657
What did you just do, Jess?
248
00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:45,262
Well, I put the swastika in the guillotine.
249
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:49,662
- How is this a children's toy?
- Why is it so brittle?
250
00:12:49,869 --> 00:12:52,201
- What is that?
- I'm not sure what I've been doing.
251
00:12:52,404 --> 00:12:53,837
[GRUNTS]
252
00:12:54,039 --> 00:12:57,873
- Hey, Michelle.
- Hey, you guys are lifesavers.
253
00:12:58,077 --> 00:13:00,341
You have beautiful taste.
Early Californian?
254
00:13:00,579 --> 00:13:03,571
You know this color, actually,
it symbolizes a woman's fertility.
255
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,047
Huh. I was pregnant once.
256
00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:08,917
- Cool.
- Well, what do you know?
257
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:11,419
- Yeah. Thank you, guys, so much.
SCHMIDT: No, thank you.
258
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,854
Talk to you late...
Did you see her blink at me?
259
00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:17,392
- What do you think, that was a sex blink?
- Definitely a sex blink.
260
00:13:17,596 --> 00:13:19,325
You would not know a sex blink
if it blinked you in the sex.
261
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:20,624
What?
262
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:25,236
It's over already, man. You don't have a shot
because the chicks you pull are gremlins.
263
00:13:25,437 --> 00:13:29,567
You did not just talk about my chicks.
My chicks look great, just like me.
264
00:13:30,609 --> 00:13:33,942
I'm saying my chicks literally
look just like me. All of them.
265
00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:36,273
They vary in color, but they look like me.
266
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,542
That is super-awkward. I don't feel like
you know what you're saying now.
267
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:41,117
Whoops. Oh!
268
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:42,582
Coach!
269
00:13:42,788 --> 00:13:46,053
Oh, man, I can't believe
you just did that to her vase.
270
00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:47,919
Whoa, dude!
271
00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:50,322
I will knock you out where you stand.
272
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:53,555
I will pound you from the side,
I will pound you from the back.
273
00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:57,327
Once again, Schmidt has found himself
in a position where he's infuriated.
274
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:58,730
I will fight your face.
275
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:01,463
I will freak out so hard
you don't even know.
276
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,574
WINSTON:
What are you two...?
277
00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:05,175
Oh, my goodness. Guys.
278
00:14:05,377 --> 00:14:08,938
Her study-abroad mirror?
Her dream vase?
279
00:14:09,148 --> 00:14:10,342
Come on, guys.
280
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:15,684
- Have some self-respect.
- You're...
281
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:17,179
NICK:
Hey, Jess?
282
00:14:17,389 --> 00:14:20,688
I don't think that belongs there.
That's why it doesn't fit in.
283
00:14:20,893 --> 00:14:25,023
Well, I don't think this water bottle
goes here, either, but you put it there.
284
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:28,792
Why did we take the toy out of the box?
We could have just given the box.
285
00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:32,095
What does he know? He's 1.
He eats pennies and poos in his pants.
286
00:14:32,304 --> 00:14:34,169
Not putting the toy together is lazy.
287
00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:37,467
- So if we can't put the toy together...
- You can't just keep pushing it because...
288
00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:39,041
- Oh. God.
- Agh.
289
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:41,805
- Okay, where's the tape?
- We used all the tape.
290
00:14:42,014 --> 00:14:44,346
- You used the tape?
- To fix the things you broke.
291
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,711
- You used a lot of duct tape.
- You broke a lot of pieces.
292
00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:48,079
[CHUCKLES]
293
00:14:48,287 --> 00:14:51,723
All right, give it to me.
I'm gonna use a lighter and weld it together.
294
00:14:52,691 --> 00:14:56,286
What, you don't think that's a good idea?
No, I think you should try it.
295
00:14:56,929 --> 00:14:58,521
I also like doing Zippo tricks.
296
00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:03,898
- Agh!
- What happened?
297
00:15:04,103 --> 00:15:05,593
- I burned my finger.
JESS: Are you okay?
298
00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:07,169
It's fine. Skin is bubbly.
299
00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:09,864
- I knew that was a bad idea.
- Why didn't you say it?
300
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:13,511
Why didn't you put the toy together
when I gave it to you two weeks ago?
301
00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:15,077
Because I'm not Santa Claus.
302
00:15:15,281 --> 00:15:17,841
I don't just put toys together
two weeks in advance.
303
00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:21,679
And also, it's none of my business
what they wanna do with the toy.
304
00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:25,653
Maybe they wanna return it. Maybe they
wanna put it together as a family.
305
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:30,022
That is not my business.
What do you want from me, Jess?
306
00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:33,027
I just want you to take
a little more responsibility.
307
00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:34,859
And I want you to have faith in me.
308
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:38,696
I've gotten this far in my life
and I'm doing just fine.
309
00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:45,134
I mean, for the most part. There's definitely
a few blunders here and there.
310
00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:47,938
The blanket's on fire.
The blanket's on fire!
311
00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:50,944
- I can see that. Go get a bucket.
- Where, in the kitchen?
312
00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:53,048
No, that's for meat.
A different bucket.
313
00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:57,052
- Oh, right, the famous meat bucket.
- You said the bucket was brilliant.
314
00:15:57,256 --> 00:16:01,522
Why would I think an unrefrigerated
bucket of meat was a good idea?
315
00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:04,890
To taste what meat tasted like
before electricity.
316
00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:06,394
Why would you want that?
317
00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:10,398
- Why did you say it was brilliant?
- Because, Nick...
318
00:16:10,602 --> 00:16:13,799
...if I was always honest with you...
319
00:16:14,006 --> 00:16:16,600
...then we would never stop fighting.
320
00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:19,602
[ALARM BEEPING]
321
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,074
- Let's go.
- We have to go.
322
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,145
- Wait, my hat.
- What?
323
00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:25,442
My hat.
324
00:16:27,786 --> 00:16:30,277
- So sorry. I'm sorry.
- So sorry.
325
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:34,585
It was uncool. I'm so sorry.
Do you need? Here, do you want...?
326
00:16:34,793 --> 00:16:35,919
How did this happen?
327
00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:38,153
It was Winston.
He carries things wrong.
328
00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:40,457
What?!
329
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:43,157
I've heard just about enough
from you two.
330
00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:45,633
- Ow!
SCHMIDT: Winston!
331
00:16:46,438 --> 00:16:49,771
I know you're both smart enough
to know exactly who broke your things.
332
00:16:49,975 --> 00:16:54,412
The same clowns who've been trying to sex
Michelle every which way from Tuesday.
333
00:16:54,613 --> 00:16:58,014
I ain't gonna lie. I've been trying to
sex you every which way myself.
334
00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,684
I'd be crazy not to.
You're a very beautiful woman.
335
00:17:00,886 --> 00:17:02,854
You have crazy witch eyes and I dig it.
336
00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:05,182
You're like a witch, you know.
337
00:17:05,391 --> 00:17:06,983
But I'm a good guy.
338
00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:12,491
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have ajob to do.
339
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:16,532
My name is Winston Bishop.
Welcome to the building.
340
00:17:17,469 --> 00:17:19,835
SCHMIDT: Whoa, Winston, I would not...
- What are you doing?
341
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,700
- Whoa!
- Agh.
342
00:17:23,108 --> 00:17:24,302
[GROANING]
343
00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:25,772
SCHMIDT:
Son of a...
344
00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:27,468
You know the building's on fire?
345
00:17:27,679 --> 00:17:29,704
WINSTON:
I've got this. Move, move!
346
00:17:29,915 --> 00:17:31,075
BUSTER [OVER PHONE]:
Cece, hey.
347
00:17:31,283 --> 00:17:34,309
Oh, hey. Um, I didn't think
you'd pick up the phone.
348
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:37,648
I'll make this quick since I'm sure
you hate talking on the phone.
349
00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:42,190
Oh, I actually do because
I'd much rather talk in person.
350
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,157
You know, face-to-face.
351
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:46,558
What are you doing here?
352
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:52,237
I just... I was walking over here to see you
and then you called me.
353
00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:54,736
Didn't all those texts really freak you out?
354
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:57,738
Oh, no, no, no. They freaked me out.
I thought you were gonna murder me.
355
00:17:57,943 --> 00:18:00,537
I called my mother, changed my locks.
356
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:04,546
But then I had a change of heart
and I thought, "Well, I like this girl."
357
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:09,016
I'd much ratherjust come and look at you
with my eyes and talk to you with my face.
358
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:12,088
If you ever got off the damn phone.
359
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:17,153
- Yeah. I understand.
- Right? Hi, Cece. How are you?
360
00:18:17,362 --> 00:18:18,852
- Hungover?
- Yes.
361
00:18:19,064 --> 00:18:20,759
Would you like to get some pancakes?
362
00:18:20,966 --> 00:18:22,900
- I could use some pancakes.
- Bouncy ride.
363
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,036
- My kangaroo's around the corner.
- Ha-ha-ha.
364
00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:27,330
But I did bring an extra helmet.
You're lucky.
365
00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:30,908
All right.
366
00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:37,542
Nick, why is this so hard?
I don't wanna fight all the time.
367
00:18:37,749 --> 00:18:39,740
I don't either. It's aawul.
368
00:18:42,421 --> 00:18:44,889
Do you ever miss
when we were just friends, Jess...
369
00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:47,388
...and there wasn't this pressure
to be together and to be...
370
00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:49,857
- Be different people?
- Yes, be different people.
371
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:54,960
I'm sorry, but I'm not that guy who's gonna
put the toy together. That's just not me.
372
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:59,228
- I'm gonna leave it in the box.
- I want you to be yourself.
373
00:18:59,438 --> 00:19:01,201
I want you to be yourself.
374
00:19:05,177 --> 00:19:07,202
- Are we?
- No.
375
00:19:07,412 --> 00:19:10,540
- I love you. More than I've loved anybody.
- Well, I love you too.
376
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:13,741
But what if that's the only thing
we have in common?
377
00:19:26,765 --> 00:19:29,131
I miss my friend.
378
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,962
I really miss my friend too.
379
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,905
So, what does that mean? Are we?
380
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:40,971
Yeah.
381
00:19:59,164 --> 00:20:02,827
- Earn this.
- Was that Saving Private Ryan?
382
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:07,495
It was. It was a huge moment in that movie
and I just... I know this is a moment.
383
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:09,469
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
384
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,776
So, um, I'll walk you to your room,
then, I guess.
385
00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:02,887
- Schmidt is living in my room.
- Schmidt is in your room, yeah.
386
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:05,859
- Do you think I could? Cool.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
387
00:21:11,536 --> 00:21:12,798
[DOOR CLOSES]
388
00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:17,231
Jess? Jess.
389
00:21:17,442 --> 00:21:19,239
You didn't have to run away.
390
00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:23,710
I don't know what you're so afraid of.
It's just downward-facing dog in the nude.
391
00:21:23,915 --> 00:21:27,282
It's a couple of testicles
just hanging upside down.
392
00:21:29,588 --> 00:21:34,389
I can hear you laughing in there.
Yeah, you liked it.
393
00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:37,858
You telling Nick about it?
What's he saying?
Ripped By mstoll