One of the upsides of my parents splitting up
was I got to spend time just me and dad.
Hi. Regular coffee and a hot chocolate, please.
Uh, ten marshmallows, two in and eight on the side.
Two in and zero on the side.
[Chokes]
- He's choking! - Choking. Somebody's choking.
Oh, and my dad was blind
which, I guess, technically is considered a handicap.
- Uh, d-dad. - I'm on it.
But ironically the blind guy didn't see it that way.
Uuhh!
- Thanks. - Yeah.
Anybody need a baby delivered?
[Customers giggle, murmur]
It wasn't all superhero stuff.
Here you go, bud,
there were some downsides to having a blind dad,
like... finger juice.
But the biggest downside? His crazy bedtime stories.
For as long as I could remember...
Yep, got this freak infection and went blind when I was 12.
Went to bed 20/20. Woke up...
[Pops lips] Nothing.
[Sighs] Huh.
I was just a little bit older than you are now.
Anyway, get some sleep, buddy.
Only one part of the story ever changed.
I was just three years older than you.
I was just two years older than you.
I was just a year older than you.
Anyway, get some sleep, buddy.
Looking back, it was completely irrational.
But I was terrified of my 12th birthday.
You know that nightmare
about showing up to school in your underwear?
I would've killed for that one.
♪ Let's tell the world ♪
♪ All the things we've done ♪
♪ Places we've been ♪
♪ In the setting sun ♪
♪ I've got a song and a smile so bright ♪
♪ I'll make you wish you were here tonight ♪
☯Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17☯ ❃www.addic7ed.com❃
With my birthday just days away,
I was giving myself eye tests roughly every chance I got.
What's happening here?
Oh! Um, just checking to see if I have X-ray vision.
Sometimes I think I might.
Oh, bug, try and get that all out of your system,
or they're gonna destroy you in high school.
I didn't wanna tell my family what was worrying me,
because deep down I knew it was ridiculous...
slash definitely, definitely happening.
Okay, be brutally honest.
Do I look like I'm trying too hard,
not trying at all?
Like, where do I fall on the trying spectrum?
You're very trying.
Wait, is that my scarf?
And my perfume?
Mom, what did I tell you about borrowing my stuff?
We have so many great talks, hon.
I don't remember.
Look, I'm gonna be on campus today,
buying my textbooks, and I wanna look nice.
Mom was getting her degree in family therapy
which, given our family,
should've earned her a minor in irony.
Bye, birthday boy.
It's not my birthday yet, mom.
Three days. Technically I'm still 11.
And you're more like dad every day.
Any other day I would've taken that as a compliment,
but today I did not.
And that's why I said...
Well, you're more like mom every day.
Since I was sure I was going blind,
Runyen and I came up with a list
of all things I needed to see before it happened.
Mona Lisa, you gotta see that.
Niagara Falls, breathtaking.
Hold the phone.
I know what you need to see before you go blind.
Boobs! Naked boobs.
Yeah.
Mel?
It's Principal Sloan from Henry's school.
Well, now it's Principal Sloan from across the hall.
Yeah, I heard a rumor you were moving in.
That should traumatize Henry nicely.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
- [Elvis growling] - Oh... sorry.
- Elvis, no, no. - That's okay.
He probably just smells my ex-wife's apricot body splash.
Or the salt from my tears. [Laughs]
- Ha. - No, it's good.
It's good. It's a fresh start.
Okay, well, I'd help you lug boxes, but...
Oh, no, no, no. Of course.
Yeah, ah. I get outta all kinds of stuff.
Airport runs, charades.
All in all, being blind is a... pretty sweet deal.
Wendy and I used to play charades.
[Door closes]
[Elvis whimpers]
Whoa, Elvis, your snoot is out of control today, buddy.
What do you got?
No, leave Katie's stuff alone.
No. Leave it!
Did she leave food in her bag again?
How many times do I have to give the ant speech?
What's this?
[Sniffs]
I'm gonna need a new speech.
Well, you don't have to be a family therapist
to know what's upsetting Henry.
He's obviously anxious that with the divorce
his birthday is going to get lost in the shuffle.
Which is why he's gonna love the surprise party.
[Sighs] Maybe we should tell him.
Should tell him? Let's tell him.
- Henry! - Or...
we could not tell him about the surprise party
and have it be a surprise party.
Remind me to stand like this next time I wear that outfit.
It's really effective.
[Door opens]
Hi.
How are you?
What?
Elvis found something in your bag.
- Oh, shoot. - Uh-huh.
Look, that energy bar was wrapped in foil.
There's no way the ants were after that.
If you're still finding ants it's 'cause of Henry.
That kid keeps chocolate in every pocket.
What is that?
That's not mine.
Then why was it in your purse?
[Cash register dings] That'll be 158.52.
Oh, shoot! I don't have my wallet.
I borrowed my daughter's purse yesterday.
[Gasps] Shoot!
So, what, the joint just flew into your bag
all by itself?
Whoa, man!
This bag looks like a mellow place to hang out, man.
- Who are you supposed to be? - Oh, I'm sorry!
I don't know about drugs.
How do they talk? I don't know either.
- It's not mine. - Katie,
you are talking to a trial attorney
with 30 years of experience dealing with evasive defendants.
I am not a defendant! [Sighs]
Katherine!
What? Are you gonna throw your gavel at me?
I don't have a...
Do you even know what I do for a living?
So mom used my key to sneak into dad's apartment
to look for her pot,
which she had left in Katie's bag.
Katie?
Katie, is that you?
Katie, I can smell your perfume.
- Actually, Mel, it's me. - Oh.
- Hi. - Hi.
Yeah, I just brought a box of stuff over
for Henry's surprise party to stash here.
Not stash, uh, store. Store... here.
You know what, actually, I'm glad you're here.
Will you... have a seat, please?
We really need to talk. [Sighs]
Mom knew what she had to do...
Her classic speak 'n' sneak.
Okay, what's up?
Well, even though we are divorced,
we still need to be a united front
when it comes to the kids, right?
Yes, of course.
Okay.
Ah, boy, there's just no easy way to tell you this.
What is it, Mel?
Well...
Our daughter is on drugs.
- What? - Ooh!
Joyce, come on! You know I don't like it
when you speak 'n' sneak.
Dude, I'm telling you, we go back into your house,
we see Katie in the shower, and...
My sister is not the reference point I'm looking for,
- so stop asking. - [Sighs]
This is perfect.
I heard my mom talking about how Mrs. Glebe breast-feeds
every morning before work.
Breast-feed! It's right in the name.
- Oh, my God, there she is. - Whoa.
Mrs. Glebe's beautiful.
- Oh, my God. - Be cool, be cool, be cool.
[Breast pump whirring]
Uhh...
- [Gasps] - Abort, abort!
What was that machine doing to her?
Now I wish I was blind!
Maybe it's not hers, Mel.
Maybe it's some other kindhearted person
who just wanted to try it once
and then stupidly, stupidly left it in Katie's bag.
No, it's hers.
She ran right outta here. Guilty!
Okay, let's not be so quick to judge.
Well, maybe you should be a little quicker to judge.
I mean, what is going on over there, Joyce?
I'm barely outta the house and our daughter is on drugs!
- She's not on drugs, Mel. - Joyce, wake up and smell
- the mariju... - Okay, it's my pot, okay?
Mine. Yes, mine. Not Katie's.
Yeah... what do you got to say now?
Well, that's not a lot better!
Joyce, I know you're in this experimental phase,
and you're doing the kale chips and the meditation app,
but there is a line! Good lord!
What are you, running a drug den over there?
I've only had the joint a day, all right?
I haven't even tried it yet.
A philosophy major that I met at orientation
gave it to me when I complimented her ukulele.
Oh. Well, at least you got it from some girl with no future.
[Groans]
You're so uptight!
Okay. [Laughs]
You know what, Mel?
I honestly don't care what you think.
When we were married, maybe.
But now that we're getting divorced,
uh-huh, okay?
I've always kinda wanted to try pot.
I've wanted to do a lot of new things...
maybe go vegan, learn to play the drums.
But I never even mentioned any of those things
because I knew this is how you would react.
Well, then I did my job. You're welcome.
This... is what pushed me away, Mel.
And let me tell you something, if you don't ease up,
you're gonna push Katie away too.
So if you'll kindly hand over my doobie,
I will be on my way.
Nope. Not gonna happen.
[Elvis whimpers]
Ah, in a drawer with the pot holders!
Nice touch, Mel!
That's a coincidence.
I would never trivialize drugs with a humorous...
hiding place.
Thanks again for helping me
take these party things back over to Joyce's house.
- Oh, no problemo. - Hello?
♪ Katie, it's your father ♪
Hey, guys, I'll be right there.
It's this boy I met from camp. He's so obsessed with me.
[Laughs]
What?
Well, I just wanted to have a little talk
about our... our miscommunication earlier.
You mean how you falsely accused me of doing drugs?
Well, yeah, I guess that was the gist of it.
Katie, I'm really sorry.
Sorry for not believing me? Sorry for yelling?
Sorry for your general stick up your ass...
ishness?
It's, uh, sort of a blanket apology.
You know what, dad? I can't hear you.
I'm in a meth lab, and it's really loud!
Stick up my ass?
I don't have a stick up my a...
If I had a stick up my ass,
I would've called her out for using the word "ass."
Female GPS voice: Right on Colorado.
I'm not uptight. Are you turning on Colorado?
I think we should stay on apple grove.
Yes, the blind guy correcting the GPS lady
is not at all uptight.
I mean, you're a principal. Your whole gig is by-the-book.
You know what I'm saying.
Yes, I'm a man of law.
I respect order and I follow the rules.
But I've also smoked pot.
- Really? - Yep.
I gotta stay current with what's going on in my students' lives.
Violent video games, Twilight books,
yogurt in tubes,
even the wacky tobacky, if they're into that.
See, I gotta try it so I know where they're coming from
without overreacting.
Otherwise I risk alienating them and...
then I've lost them forever.
Like in Twilight when Jacob lost Bella.
Yeah, I think you're right.
I do need to sample stuff outside my own comfort zone
- so I don't lose them. - Mel Fisher...
neighbor, dare I say "friend"...
You are so g-d brave.
You're not gonna hug me, are you?
No, I was not.
So... do you have any pot?
I don't know how you say it. Can you hook me up?
I don't have a guy anymore
since they closed that blockbuster.
[Elvis whimpers]
Uh, you know what? Never mind, I think I'm good.
Thank you for helping out,
and, uh, enjoy the rest of your day off.
Okay. What are you up to for dinner?
[Elvis whines]
Yeah. Good boy!
[Sniffs]
You find drugs better than the real Elvis.
Pot.
I'm gonna be a person who smokes pot.
Elvis, maybe you should go upwind.
I don't want you inhaling any secondhand drug smoke.
Go, buddy!
[Sighs]
[Lighter clicking]
[Police radio chatter]
What? No, I'm not. Wha... who's this?
Give us a sec.
Oh, God.
If you don't have a prescription, we're gonna have
to write you a citation for possession.
Makes sense. We have laws.
They exist for a reason.
Sorry. [Sighs]
We didn't realize that you were, uh...
non-sighted.
Yeah. Um, I think we're good here.
Take care now, sir.
Wha-wha-what about my citation?
Oh, it's forgotten, sir.
Hey, don't call me sir just 'cause I'm blind.
We're not.
We're calling you sir 'cause you're like...50.
I don't want special treatment.
This is America, for crying out loud.
You should be arresting me!
Okay. Loosen up, sir.
Cops telling people to loosen up.
This country's going down the tubes.
I don't know if I feel comfortable doing this.
Oh, you're not comfortable?
Buddy, you got less than 24 hours till your birthday,
then it's lights out.
A girls' high school locker room is all we got,
so you get comfortable.
Everything's bigger in high school.
Yeah.
If we got stuffed in these lockers,
it wouldn't be that bad.
[School bell rings, laughter]
Quick!
Clear your mind and prepare for your reference point.
'Cause here they come!
[Overlapping chatter, laughter]
Wait. What are guys doing in here?
What goes on in high school?
Wrong locker room! Abort, abort!
Everything is bigger in high school.
Is this a cry for attention?
Like, do you need more structure and control in your life?
Or... has this just been inside of you for a while,
and now that dad's gone you finally feel free
to explore it, you know?
Kinda like me with my college courses,
and you, I guess, with boys.
Mom, I told you.
We thought it was the girls' locker room.
Just let me out!
I can walk to dad's from here.
If you wanna talk, I'm here for you.
[Cell phone chime]
- Hi, Mel. - Joyce, it's me, Melvin Fisher.
I know, that's why I said, "hi, Mel."
I'm as high as a kite. I need you to save me.
Where are you?
I'm either in the attic or the basement.
I took stairs to get here.
Joyce, I'm sorry I yelled at you
for wanting to try pot.
You're right, I'm too uptight.
I blame these suckers.
I overcompensate to feel like I have some kinda control
over my surroundings, you know?
It's okay.
Oh, no.
We missed Henry's surprise party.
[Whispering] It's tomorrow!
[Whispering] Oh, it's tomorrow.
I'm so thirsty. Why am I so thirsty?
Well, there's oj right in front of you.
I'll get you a glass.
Joyce, I have realized something.
I am very difficult.
- I really am. - I wasn't arguing.
This is amazing.
Have you ever tried orange juice?
- A couple times. - I'm gonna...
I'm gonna get you a glass. Will you get me a glass?
Uh-huh.
I think I feel like I have to have control over my life,
and sometimes that makes me control you and the kids.
It's like this.
You want orange juice,
and I am giving you finger juice.
And that's not fair.
I'm sure the acidity kills any of the bad stuff.
- It's a metaphor, Jo-Jo. - [Mouthing words] Jo-Jo.
The juice is your life, and my finger is all...
Oh, no!
[Whispering] It's tomorrow!
Oh, good.
Yep. Never trying pot.
Mom did a pretty good job at talking dad down
when he was freaking out.
And the next day, he did the same for me...
Not that I was freaking out or anything.
You excited for your birthday, pal?
I don't wanna go blind!
I don't want you to go blind either.
That would mess up our basketball game.
I'm turning 12, and that's when you went blind.
And now it's too late to do anything about it
'cause there's only 7 hours and 22 minutes till my birthday.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, Henry...
what I had is not hereditary.
You are not gonna go blind, okay?
How long have you been worried about this?
Not that long. Just like...
five... six years.
Oh, good. So only, like, half your life.
Why didn't you say something sooner?
Because... I didn't want you to think
that I didn't wanna be like you.
Oh, buddy. Come here.
That is the sweetest,
most insane thing I have ever heard.
You thought it would hurt my feelings
that you didn't wanna be blind?
Nobody wants to be blind!
Ha. You think I wanna be blind?
How amazing was this guy?
In my 12 years as his son,
that was the first time I realized
he didn't wanna be blind.
Gimme the ball.
The man never complained about it.
Did that damn hoop fall again?
Oh, he complained about everything else...
Help me find the receipt, pal,
'cause we are taking it back!
But never about the blind thing.
Later, while I was up in my room playing video games,
mom and dad gathered all my friends in the basement.
Both: Hey, Mr. Fisher.
Hi, girls!
I like your dog's saddle.
Oh, uh, that's, uh... thank you.
We're going to surprise Henry any minute,
so you need to go make up with your father.
Hi, Mel. Uh, I brought Katie over.
Oh, hi, Katie! Kate-a-roo!
♪ K-T and the sunshine band ♪
- You two need to talk. - Don't think we do.
You know what, I got this.
Mel, right now, I don't want you to think of me as your wife.
Ex-wife.
- Or you as my best friend. - Done.
I want you instead to think of me
as your emotional interpreter.
- Oh, boy. - Oh, God.
No, no, no. Now let's dig deep here.
I think it was Freud who first said...
- Katie, I am so sorry. - Totally forgiven.
Well, I'm gonna crush those classes.
Ladies! Good to see you.
If you want I can sneak you into the after-party.
Oh, like you snuck into the boys' locker room?
So, Melvin. Let's review.
First, you accuse me of having pot.
I told you it wasn't mine, but did you believe me?
Mm, you did not.
And as it turns out,
not only was it not mine,
it was in fact my mother's.
- She told you. - She can't not tell me.
She also told me that she didn't smoke it
because you did.
Do I have the facts of the case correct, counselor?
Indeed you have. Nicely played.
Mel! It's 7:19.
I need you to go get Henry. Chop-chop!
- Okay. - Yep.
Hey, uh, she also told me why you smoked it...
Something about wanting to be a better parent.
I guess that's sweet.
And weird. But... sweet.
Hey, pal.
Mom called, said there's a fuse out downstairs.
Can you give me a hand? Sure.
Mom and dad thought I was worried
my birthday would get overshadowed by the divorce.
So they threw me a party I'd never forget.
Just need you to show me which fuse it is, buddy,
so we can swap it out.
All: Surpri...
Oh!
Never, ever, ever forget.
[Laughing]
Oh! We got ya, man! Right?
Happy Birthday!
Why are you not wearing a shirt?
Yep. Turns out the only boobs that were seen on my birthday
were mine.
[Upbeat music]
♪ Are you ready for this, are you ready for this ♪
♪ Are you ready for this ♪
☯Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17☯ ❃www.addic7ed.com❃