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00:00:08,448 --> 00:00:12,448
♪ The Simpsons 25x17 ♪
Luca$
Original Air Date on April 6, 2014
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00:00:15,333 --> 00:00:20,333
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
3
00:00:22,150 --> 00:00:23,150
Yeah, how ya doin'?
4
00:00:36,197 --> 00:00:37,230
H-Hey, what?
5
00:00:38,266 --> 00:00:40,333
Oh! Oh, cleats!
6
00:00:40,368 --> 00:00:42,369
Homie, what happened?
7
00:00:42,403 --> 00:00:45,906
Uh... maybe
some easy-listening music
8
00:00:45,940 --> 00:00:48,241
will make you feel better
about the story.
9
00:00:48,276 --> 00:00:49,676
Turn on 89.9.
10
00:00:52,413 --> 00:00:55,715
Like most of my problems,
it all started at Moe's...
11
00:00:55,750 --> 00:00:57,884
All right, so the rules are
12
00:00:57,919 --> 00:00:59,886
every time the news
guy says "senator,"
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00:00:59,921 --> 00:01:01,688
we got to take a drink.
14
00:01:01,722 --> 00:01:03,356
Huh. It'll be nice
to let someone else decide
15
00:01:03,391 --> 00:01:05,325
when I drink--
too much pressure.
16
00:01:06,461 --> 00:01:08,195
Uh, yeah, Channel Six tip line?
17
00:01:08,229 --> 00:01:10,864
I just caught two senators
doin' it in the alley.
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00:01:10,898 --> 00:01:12,866
And me?
I'm just a reliable source.
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00:01:12,900 --> 00:01:14,968
Not "sauce," "source."
20
00:01:15,002 --> 00:01:17,737
Source! S-A-U-R-C-E!
21
00:01:17,772 --> 00:01:20,740
We have heard
from a very reliable sauce
22
00:01:20,775 --> 00:01:23,376
news involving
multiple senators.
23
00:01:23,411 --> 00:01:25,111
I'm going to read a list
of senators,
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00:01:25,146 --> 00:01:27,080
with possibly more senators
to be named later
25
00:01:27,114 --> 00:01:29,950
by other senators:
Senator Abercrombie,
26
00:01:29,984 --> 00:01:33,053
Senator Billingsley,
Senator Beaumont...
27
00:01:35,623 --> 00:01:38,625
Hmm? Oh, damn,
the plaster's flaking again.
28
00:01:40,161 --> 00:01:41,528
Once intoxicated,
we had a great idea.
29
00:01:41,562 --> 00:01:43,697
Hey! Swings!
30
00:01:45,399 --> 00:01:47,200
I'm a kid again!
31
00:01:49,070 --> 00:01:50,537
Oh... gah...
32
00:01:50,571 --> 00:01:51,705
I'll save you!
33
00:01:55,476 --> 00:01:57,911
Oh, the only way out is in!
34
00:01:57,945 --> 00:01:59,112
Hey, look at me!
35
00:01:59,146 --> 00:02:01,648
I'm going up a slide!
36
00:02:01,682 --> 00:02:03,817
Homer! Homer!
37
00:02:03,851 --> 00:02:05,485
Best recess ever!
38
00:02:07,188 --> 00:02:08,088
Whoa.
39
00:02:08,122 --> 00:02:09,422
Help me, guys! Guys?
40
00:02:10,958 --> 00:02:12,592
Don't worry, Homer,
I'll call the cops!
41
00:02:12,627 --> 00:02:14,127
I'll write
my senator.
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00:02:14,161 --> 00:02:16,162
Senator!
Senator!
43
00:02:17,198 --> 00:02:19,099
Oh, am I gonna die
on a playground,
44
00:02:19,133 --> 00:02:22,636
like some uncoordinated child?
45
00:02:22,670 --> 00:02:25,038
But I did learn something
from all this:
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00:02:25,072 --> 00:02:29,075
the sprinklers in this park
come on at 3:00 a.m.
47
00:02:30,211 --> 00:02:32,112
Hey, thanks for
throwing the ball back.
48
00:02:32,146 --> 00:02:33,313
Really.
49
00:02:34,549 --> 00:02:36,783
I'll come back
with the fire truck.
50
00:02:36,817 --> 00:02:39,686
I just have to get the kids
to school first.
51
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,121
Oh, are the kids with you?
52
00:02:41,155 --> 00:02:42,289
- Hi, Dad.
- Homer.
53
00:02:42,323 --> 00:02:44,558
Hey, guys! Why are you
ducked-down like that?
54
00:02:44,592 --> 00:02:46,693
Don't want to be seen with
you when you're hitting bottom.
55
00:02:46,727 --> 00:02:48,328
At least
we hope it's bottom.
56
00:02:48,362 --> 00:02:51,131
Don't worry,
it's bottom, all right.
57
00:02:55,536 --> 00:02:56,836
And that's why
58
00:02:56,871 --> 00:02:58,338
I was tardy today.
59
00:02:58,372 --> 00:03:00,340
And with that tardiness,
you have at last crossed
60
00:03:00,374 --> 00:03:03,143
the boundary where I can legally
apply physical discipline.
61
00:03:03,177 --> 00:03:04,811
Willie,
cut me a switch!
62
00:03:04,845 --> 00:03:07,480
What about the one
your ma used on you?
63
00:03:07,515 --> 00:03:09,482
It, uh, broke on my buttocks.
64
00:03:09,517 --> 00:03:13,320
Serves you right for eating jam
straight out of the jar.
65
00:03:14,488 --> 00:03:17,157
Damn it! That's not
even a swivel chair.
66
00:03:18,392 --> 00:03:21,361
Skate, skate
as fast as you can.
67
00:03:21,395 --> 00:03:23,897
But I'll catch you--
I'm the Principal Man!
68
00:03:23,931 --> 00:03:25,966
That's the kind of education
you're missing.
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00:03:30,538 --> 00:03:32,105
Oh, no. Uphill.
70
00:03:32,139 --> 00:03:33,840
The one place my car can't go.
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00:03:39,046 --> 00:03:41,014
Uh, would you like a quote?
72
00:03:41,048 --> 00:03:42,349
Uh, yes.
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00:03:42,383 --> 00:03:44,351
"Some cause happiness
wherever they go;
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00:03:44,385 --> 00:03:47,087
others whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde.
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00:03:47,121 --> 00:03:49,956
Uh, P.S.
Your car is totaled.
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00:03:51,692 --> 00:03:53,660
Whew! Safe.
77
00:03:53,694 --> 00:03:56,162
Oh, not totally.
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00:03:56,197 --> 00:03:57,297
Whoa!
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00:03:57,331 --> 00:03:58,999
What-what are you doing in here?
80
00:03:59,033 --> 00:04:00,567
Hiding from the cops.
81
00:04:00,601 --> 00:04:02,636
Well, I can't have cops
sniffing around here.
82
00:04:02,670 --> 00:04:04,304
Some of them might be girls.
83
00:04:04,338 --> 00:04:05,805
Can't I just stay a little?
84
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:09,042
I only committed this robbery
to help my kid.
85
00:04:09,076 --> 00:04:10,543
See, this is Jeremy.
86
00:04:10,578 --> 00:04:11,878
I need to get him braces.
87
00:04:11,912 --> 00:04:13,880
I always thought
that if I'd had braces,
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00:04:13,914 --> 00:04:16,016
I'd have smiled more.
89
00:04:16,050 --> 00:04:18,018
Hey, I bet
you have a great smile.
90
00:04:18,052 --> 00:04:19,019
Huh?
91
00:04:19,053 --> 00:04:20,286
Ay, caramba!
92
00:04:20,321 --> 00:04:22,288
Bart, Bart, we're in
whatchamacallit...
93
00:04:22,323 --> 00:04:23,757
a pursuit!
94
00:04:23,791 --> 00:04:24,791
So why'd you come here?
95
00:04:24,825 --> 00:04:26,760
I run a respectable tree house.
96
00:04:26,794 --> 00:04:28,161
Just wondering
if you've seen anything.
97
00:04:28,195 --> 00:04:31,231
Uh, word is you'll, uh...
you'll snitch for candy.
98
00:04:31,265 --> 00:04:33,933
You can't buy me with
a candy bar that has coconut.
99
00:04:33,968 --> 00:04:36,770
Then maybe this is more your...
neighborhood.
100
00:04:36,804 --> 00:04:37,771
Nice real estate.
101
00:04:37,805 --> 00:04:39,239
You got a deal.
102
00:04:39,273 --> 00:04:40,507
So, what do you know?
103
00:04:40,541 --> 00:04:44,711
I saw a guy with a gun
and a snake tattoo...
104
00:04:44,745 --> 00:04:47,881
say he was gonna hide out
on top of Mount Springfield.
105
00:04:47,915 --> 00:04:49,816
Mount Springfield, eh?
106
00:04:49,850 --> 00:04:52,318
Strap on your crampons, boys!
107
00:04:52,353 --> 00:04:54,821
Eddie! Prepare my litter!
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00:04:54,855 --> 00:04:56,156
Lou, you are responsible
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00:04:56,190 --> 00:04:58,958
for my oxygen, food, water
and cleaning!
110
00:04:58,993 --> 00:05:00,927
You have to clean me.
I clean you. Yeah.
111
00:05:00,961 --> 00:05:01,928
Dude, thank you.
112
00:05:01,962 --> 00:05:03,430
Why did you save me?
113
00:05:03,464 --> 00:05:05,331
We outlaws have
to stick together.
114
00:05:05,366 --> 00:05:07,033
Outlaw? You?
115
00:05:07,068 --> 00:05:09,703
Stolen bowling shoes,
3-D glasses, Krusty standee
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00:05:09,737 --> 00:05:12,038
and this "cage" for my pet.
117
00:05:12,073 --> 00:05:13,940
Oh. What do you feed him?
118
00:05:13,974 --> 00:05:15,341
My A.D.D. meds.
119
00:05:17,111 --> 00:05:18,745
Um, listen,
120
00:05:18,779 --> 00:05:21,581
would you like two tickets
to the school musical?
121
00:05:21,615 --> 00:05:24,250
My son plays the butcher.
122
00:05:24,285 --> 00:05:25,952
In Fiddler on the Roof.
123
00:05:25,986 --> 00:05:27,787
I'm busy that night.
124
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Yeah, lucky you.
125
00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,194
Huh?
126
00:05:36,564 --> 00:05:39,132
Are you okay?
127
00:05:39,166 --> 00:05:41,067
Don't put more
in there!
128
00:05:41,102 --> 00:05:42,602
Going for the record.
129
00:05:42,636 --> 00:05:45,271
What record?
Stupidest death?
130
00:05:45,306 --> 00:05:47,140
Aah!
131
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Blagh!
132
00:05:50,578 --> 00:05:52,378
Merci beaucoup!
133
00:05:52,413 --> 00:05:53,646
Oh, well, you're very wel...
134
00:05:53,681 --> 00:05:55,115
That's French
for "hello."
135
00:05:55,149 --> 00:05:58,118
Actually, I think it...
Lucas Bortner, competitive eater.
136
00:05:58,152 --> 00:05:59,786
A fat kid with a dream?
137
00:05:59,820 --> 00:06:01,921
I can't compete with that.
138
00:06:01,956 --> 00:06:04,524
What does
a competitive eater eat?
139
00:06:04,558 --> 00:06:08,027
All the glamour foods: pizza,
boiled eggs, chicken wings
140
00:06:08,062 --> 00:06:11,564
and the big enchilada, which
is not enchiladas but hot dogs.
141
00:06:11,599 --> 00:06:13,366
69 hot dogs
is the current record.
142
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,001
As the great Kobayashi says,
143
00:06:15,035 --> 00:06:17,403
"Detekurutoki itaiyo."
144
00:06:17,438 --> 00:06:19,005
What does that mean?
145
00:06:19,039 --> 00:06:20,473
"That's gonna hurt coming out."
146
00:06:20,508 --> 00:06:23,143
Is Kobayashi
the number one, um, uh...
147
00:06:23,177 --> 00:06:25,211
The correct term
is "gurgitator."
148
00:06:25,246 --> 00:06:27,113
I won't be using
the correct term then.
149
00:06:27,148 --> 00:06:29,783
Virtually everyone uses
his technique: Japanesing.
150
00:06:29,817 --> 00:06:31,651
Shall I demonstrate?
151
00:06:31,685 --> 00:06:34,821
Um, why don't I just go sit
alone... Oh, you're doing it.
152
00:06:34,855 --> 00:06:36,823
Ready, set...
153
00:06:36,857 --> 00:06:38,858
Japanese!
154
00:06:43,330 --> 00:06:44,497
That's not going down.
155
00:06:45,599 --> 00:06:46,966
This happens
from time to time.
156
00:06:47,001 --> 00:06:49,536
Maybe this isn't
the sport for you.
157
00:06:49,570 --> 00:06:51,004
It's not a sport.
158
00:06:51,038 --> 00:06:52,539
It's my life.
159
00:06:52,573 --> 00:06:54,474
Aw, he's sweet.
160
00:06:54,508 --> 00:06:56,342
What am I doing?
161
00:06:56,377 --> 00:06:58,411
He's just Ralph with a dream.
162
00:06:58,445 --> 00:07:00,346
The dream of not ralphing.
163
00:07:00,381 --> 00:07:03,716
But I'm sure I could
totally change and fix him.
164
00:07:03,751 --> 00:07:06,519
Can I join you for lunch?
Um, sure.
165
00:07:06,554 --> 00:07:08,354
How many whole pizzas
would you like?
166
00:07:08,389 --> 00:07:10,723
Um, can I just have a slice?
167
00:07:10,758 --> 00:07:12,826
Interesting technique.
168
00:07:14,829 --> 00:07:16,262
Whoa.
169
00:07:16,297 --> 00:07:19,065
You didn't tell me you
had a PlayStadium 4!
170
00:07:19,099 --> 00:07:21,868
It's the first
I've seen it.
171
00:07:21,902 --> 00:07:24,404
Something's fishy, Bart.
172
00:07:24,438 --> 00:07:26,339
Where's the gift receipt?
173
00:07:26,373 --> 00:07:29,075
Where's the packet of desiccant
that says "Do not eat"?
174
00:07:29,109 --> 00:07:31,678
And, believe me, you shouldn't.
175
00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:35,215
I have a feeling this
PlayStadium was liberated
176
00:07:35,249 --> 00:07:39,519
from its previous owner and
given to me in gratitude.
177
00:07:39,553 --> 00:07:40,787
Liberated?
178
00:07:40,821 --> 00:07:42,555
You mean "stolen"?
179
00:07:42,590 --> 00:07:44,557
You can't spell "crime"
without "me."
180
00:07:44,592 --> 00:07:46,559
C-R-I...
181
00:07:47,595 --> 00:07:49,529
There it is,
at the end!
182
00:07:50,598 --> 00:07:53,266
Oh, hi. Is-is Lisa home?
183
00:07:53,300 --> 00:07:54,267
Yes, she is.
184
00:07:54,301 --> 00:07:55,568
And who are you?
185
00:07:55,603 --> 00:07:57,570
Lucas.
186
00:07:57,605 --> 00:07:58,972
It's pronounced
"Luca-dollar."
187
00:07:59,006 --> 00:08:00,306
That's my competition name.
188
00:08:00,341 --> 00:08:01,841
I'm a competitive eater.
189
00:08:01,876 --> 00:08:03,176
Competitive eater?
190
00:08:03,210 --> 00:08:05,678
Did I hear right?
I could be a competitive eater?
191
00:08:05,713 --> 00:08:07,413
No! You didn't hear anything!
192
00:08:07,448 --> 00:08:09,549
Yes, I did! I heard
"competitive eater"!
193
00:08:09,583 --> 00:08:12,752
It's for people
who haven't had heart problems.
194
00:08:12,786 --> 00:08:15,021
Then that makes me the
Jackie Robinson of the sport,
195
00:08:15,055 --> 00:08:18,024
and you are the racist
Philadelphia manager.
196
00:08:18,058 --> 00:08:21,027
Quit comparing me
to Ben Chapman.
197
00:08:21,061 --> 00:08:23,496
I will when you open
your mind to change!
198
00:08:23,530 --> 00:08:25,298
Oh...!
199
00:08:25,332 --> 00:08:27,200
So, what should we practice:
200
00:08:27,234 --> 00:08:28,801
um, Vienna sausage;
201
00:08:28,836 --> 00:08:31,204
blueberry pie, short form;
202
00:08:31,238 --> 00:08:33,206
oatmeal, long course;
203
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:36,576
freestyle baked beans;
catfish-- ooh!
204
00:08:36,610 --> 00:08:37,577
Cow brains.
205
00:08:37,611 --> 00:08:38,578
Beans, beans!
206
00:08:38,612 --> 00:08:39,879
We'll do beans.
207
00:08:42,082 --> 00:08:44,717
Hmm. Never saw the pork
eat the beans before.
208
00:08:47,254 --> 00:08:51,791
Actually, I'm a little surprised
Lisa likes him.
209
00:08:51,825 --> 00:08:53,092
Really!
210
00:08:53,127 --> 00:08:54,327
Justin Blobber over there
211
00:08:54,361 --> 00:08:56,396
doesn't remind
you of anyone?
212
00:08:56,430 --> 00:08:59,565
$800 to cut me out
of that slide?!
213
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,402
It's all about the money
with those firemen.
214
00:09:02,436 --> 00:09:05,138
Women marry
their fathers, Marge.
215
00:09:05,172 --> 00:09:08,408
So you just might be meeting
your future "ton-in-law."
216
00:09:10,110 --> 00:09:11,978
Ton-in-law.
217
00:09:12,012 --> 00:09:13,813
God bless us.
218
00:09:13,847 --> 00:09:16,416
You can do better.
219
00:09:25,350 --> 00:09:27,616
My sisters are nuts.
220
00:09:27,754 --> 00:09:29,855
I'm happy being married
to Homer.
221
00:09:29,889 --> 00:09:32,491
Most of the time.
222
00:09:39,766 --> 00:09:41,400
Ooh! What the...?
223
00:10:07,494 --> 00:10:08,594
Meep, meep!
224
00:10:17,504 --> 00:10:20,406
Hmm...
225
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,909
Maybe you're not cut out
for competitive eating.
226
00:10:23,943 --> 00:10:25,911
Are you calling me not fat?
227
00:10:25,945 --> 00:10:27,913
No, I'm just... I...
228
00:10:27,947 --> 00:10:30,582
Maybe you just haven't
found the right food, huh?
229
00:10:30,617 --> 00:10:32,184
How 'bout ice cream?
230
00:10:32,218 --> 00:10:33,252
Yes!
231
00:10:33,286 --> 00:10:35,621
I will lay some hurt
on that cream.
232
00:10:35,655 --> 00:10:38,190
Oh, my God! Brain freeze!
233
00:10:38,224 --> 00:10:39,958
Oh, my God.
234
00:10:39,993 --> 00:10:41,994
Kick me in the head
till I pass out.
235
00:10:43,797 --> 00:10:45,531
Harder! I'm still conscious!
236
00:10:45,565 --> 00:10:47,232
You must kick me harder.
237
00:10:52,672 --> 00:10:56,008
Okay, honey, I made you pork
chops just like you like 'em.
238
00:10:56,042 --> 00:10:57,843
Twenty.
Thanks, babe.
239
00:10:57,877 --> 00:11:01,213
Sorry you had to drop out of
college to feed me full-time.
240
00:11:01,247 --> 00:11:02,781
Now give us a kiss.
241
00:11:11,991 --> 00:11:12,991
What the...?
242
00:11:14,661 --> 00:11:16,628
Oh, yawn.
243
00:11:16,663 --> 00:11:17,729
Another freebie.
244
00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:19,398
Better be a 64 gig.
245
00:11:20,533 --> 00:11:22,401
Huh? It's full of lame apps:
246
00:11:22,435 --> 00:11:25,504
Bully Avoider,
Nosebook, Insta-Grandma.
247
00:11:25,538 --> 00:11:28,006
This was stolen from Milhouse!
248
00:11:28,041 --> 00:11:29,608
From my backpack.
249
00:11:29,642 --> 00:11:31,844
Where Puppy Goo-Goo sleeps.
250
00:11:31,878 --> 00:11:34,913
Maybe it's time to tell me
exactly what's going on.
251
00:11:34,948 --> 00:11:36,248
Relax.
252
00:11:36,282 --> 00:11:39,218
Listen to the music
of this bubble game.
253
00:11:42,455 --> 00:11:45,390
So peaceful.
254
00:11:45,425 --> 00:11:47,359
No! I won't let this go!
255
00:11:47,393 --> 00:11:50,229
It's time you told me how you've
been getting all this stuff.
256
00:11:51,764 --> 00:11:55,133
I helped Snake out of a jam so
he paid me back in stolen stuff.
257
00:11:55,168 --> 00:11:57,135
It was an honorable arrangement.
258
00:11:57,170 --> 00:11:59,238
But I never thought
he'd steal from you.
259
00:11:59,272 --> 00:12:00,973
Snake, eh?
260
00:12:01,007 --> 00:12:02,641
I never would've suspected
261
00:12:02,675 --> 00:12:06,078
the one criminal in town.
262
00:12:07,981 --> 00:12:09,848
You seem stressed.
263
00:12:09,883 --> 00:12:11,123
You want to suck some Squishee?
264
00:12:11,150 --> 00:12:12,818
Sure.
265
00:12:12,852 --> 00:12:13,819
Mmm!
266
00:12:13,853 --> 00:12:14,820
Careful.
267
00:12:14,854 --> 00:12:16,054
It's uncut syrup.
268
00:12:16,089 --> 00:12:17,723
They give it to horses
before they race.
269
00:12:24,597 --> 00:12:26,999
Jailbird, A Snake.
270
00:12:27,033 --> 00:12:28,100
That's his real name.
271
00:12:28,134 --> 00:12:29,868
Albert Knickerbocker
Aloysius Snake--
272
00:12:29,903 --> 00:12:32,170
has been arrested for a series
of thefts and may be
273
00:12:32,205 --> 00:12:34,740
put to death under
a controversial new statute.
274
00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:37,376
Yeah, we had
a law stating
275
00:12:37,410 --> 00:12:39,177
"Three strikes
and you're out."
276
00:12:39,212 --> 00:12:41,613
But I thought it
was "You're out."
277
00:12:41,648 --> 00:12:43,015
So I let people go.
278
00:12:43,049 --> 00:12:46,485
So now it's
"Four balls and you walk.
279
00:12:46,519 --> 00:12:48,787
Right to the
electric chair."
280
00:12:48,821 --> 00:12:50,856
It's, uh, much
clearer, Kent.
281
00:12:50,890 --> 00:12:52,824
Bart, I'm so sorry.
282
00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:55,961
I just wanted to ruin
his life, not end it.
283
00:12:55,995 --> 00:12:57,462
You ratted him out?
284
00:12:57,497 --> 00:12:59,264
He's got a kid.
285
00:12:59,299 --> 00:13:00,432
A kid?!
286
00:13:00,466 --> 00:13:02,801
I was crushed
when I lost my dad
287
00:13:02,835 --> 00:13:05,537
and all he did was move
to the Holiday Inn.
288
00:13:05,572 --> 00:13:07,272
I can still see him smoking
289
00:13:07,307 --> 00:13:09,408
on the balcony.
290
00:13:09,442 --> 00:13:11,543
He looked like
he missed something.
291
00:13:11,578 --> 00:13:13,545
Maybe me.
292
00:13:13,580 --> 00:13:16,181
So you see,
we can't let Jailbird fry.
293
00:13:16,215 --> 00:13:18,984
Time for the
Sleepover Detectives.
294
00:13:19,018 --> 00:13:20,519
I didn't say
there'd be a sleepover.
295
00:13:20,553 --> 00:13:23,789
Too bad, 'cause I'm wearing
my pajamas under my clothes.
296
00:13:23,823 --> 00:13:25,857
And my swimsuit
under those.
297
00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:28,493
One day it'll all pay off.
298
00:13:29,929 --> 00:13:33,565
Oh! There's my magazine.
299
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:34,733
Why, look at this.
300
00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:37,769
"What every father should do
for his daughter."
301
00:13:37,804 --> 00:13:40,939
Oh, Marge, if you want me
to do something, just tell me.
302
00:13:40,974 --> 00:13:42,374
Don't hide behind a magazine.
303
00:13:42,408 --> 00:13:45,711
Right. Right, right, right.
According to Judy Kleinsmith,
304
00:13:45,745 --> 00:13:47,813
a professional freelance writer,
305
00:13:47,847 --> 00:13:50,215
fathers should take
their daughters out on little
306
00:13:50,249 --> 00:13:53,652
dinner dates and treat them
like a gentleman would.
307
00:13:53,686 --> 00:13:57,456
Then she'll expect the same
from the men in her future.
308
00:13:57,490 --> 00:13:58,991
Wait, let me
get this straight:
309
00:13:59,025 --> 00:14:01,994
Sit and eat?
That's my punishment?
310
00:14:02,028 --> 00:14:03,695
It's not a punishment.
311
00:14:03,730 --> 00:14:05,897
But you can't just eat dinner.
312
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:09,267
You have to be gentlemanly
and attentive.
313
00:14:09,302 --> 00:14:11,103
Oh, I can fake attentive.
314
00:14:11,137 --> 00:14:13,805
I've been watching a football
game this whole discussion.
315
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,607
Not fake attentive.
316
00:14:15,642 --> 00:14:17,175
Real attentive.
317
00:14:17,210 --> 00:14:19,211
Okay, okay.
I'll make it fun.
318
00:14:19,245 --> 00:14:21,380
I'll take her
to that crab place.
319
00:14:21,414 --> 00:14:23,482
All the crabs
you could smash.
320
00:14:23,516 --> 00:14:25,817
You know Lisa's
a vegetarian.
321
00:14:25,852 --> 00:14:27,285
She can smash a salad.
322
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:31,023
No. Homer, you can't just do
the things you want to do.
323
00:14:31,057 --> 00:14:34,860
You have to act like someone
you'd want Lisa to marry.
324
00:14:34,894 --> 00:14:37,863
If you just act like yourself,
she might just...
325
00:14:37,897 --> 00:14:39,131
um...
326
00:14:39,165 --> 00:14:41,566
Oh, you know... um...
327
00:14:41,601 --> 00:14:43,435
She might marry
someone like me?
328
00:14:44,504 --> 00:14:46,705
You think that would be bad.
329
00:14:46,739 --> 00:14:48,340
Homie, I love you.
330
00:14:48,374 --> 00:14:50,142
But you can be
a challenge,
331
00:14:50,176 --> 00:14:52,377
like doing the
Daily Jumble.
332
00:14:52,412 --> 00:14:54,980
Marge, you are comparing me
333
00:14:55,014 --> 00:14:58,150
to the most infuriating thing
in the newspaper!
334
00:14:58,184 --> 00:14:59,651
Well, I was
just trying to...
335
00:14:59,686 --> 00:15:01,219
Oh...
I'm sleeping on
336
00:15:01,254 --> 00:15:02,988
Flanders' couch tonight.
337
00:15:03,022 --> 00:15:04,623
Ours is crap.
338
00:15:08,771 --> 00:15:12,495
So Marge says I gotta
ask Lisa on a date.
339
00:15:12,496 --> 00:15:14,864
Sure you remember how
to ask out a girl, Homer?
340
00:15:14,899 --> 00:15:17,467
Yeah, you've been out of
the game a long time there.
341
00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:18,735
Guys, lay off Homer.
342
00:15:18,769 --> 00:15:20,136
Now you quit stalling
343
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:21,571
and call your
daughter like a man.
344
00:15:21,605 --> 00:15:23,940
Oh... it feels weird.
345
00:15:23,974 --> 00:15:25,875
Just ask your daughter
to have dinner with you.
346
00:15:25,910 --> 00:15:28,011
What is the big deal?
347
00:15:28,045 --> 00:15:29,012
Ah, he's doing it!
348
00:15:29,046 --> 00:15:30,346
He's calling a girl.
349
00:15:30,381 --> 00:15:31,881
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God...
350
00:15:31,916 --> 00:15:32,982
Oh, it's ringing.
351
00:15:33,017 --> 00:15:34,484
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
352
00:15:34,518 --> 00:15:35,485
Hello?
353
00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:37,487
Uh, hello. Lisa?
354
00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:38,655
I know your brother and...
355
00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:39,656
Oh!
356
00:15:39,690 --> 00:15:40,990
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
357
00:15:41,025 --> 00:15:42,492
Calm down, calm down.
358
00:15:42,526 --> 00:15:43,493
She doesn't know it's you.
359
00:15:44,528 --> 00:15:45,728
Ah! Hide! Hide!
360
00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:48,831
Uh, hello?
361
00:15:48,866 --> 00:15:51,367
Oh, sure, Lisa, uh,
your dad's right here.
362
00:15:53,771 --> 00:15:54,737
Dad?
363
00:15:54,772 --> 00:15:55,738
Did you just call?
364
00:15:55,773 --> 00:15:56,739
Uh, yeah.
365
00:15:56,774 --> 00:15:58,541
Hey, listen, your mom thinks
366
00:15:58,575 --> 00:16:00,510
that maybe you and I
367
00:16:00,544 --> 00:16:03,179
should have dinner together
sometime.
368
00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,580
Just the two of us?
369
00:16:04,615 --> 00:16:06,582
Ah, yeah, I knew
you'd think it's dumb.
370
00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:07,617
I'd love that.
371
00:16:07,651 --> 00:16:09,018
See you tonight.
372
00:16:10,054 --> 00:16:11,354
I got a date
with my daughter!
373
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,222
Yeah, we all
been there.
374
00:16:13,257 --> 00:16:14,958
No need to act
like you just
375
00:16:14,992 --> 00:16:16,259
invented air conditioning.
376
00:16:19,463 --> 00:16:21,264
So, you see, Chief,
377
00:16:21,298 --> 00:16:23,800
Snake wasn't stealing
that stuff out of greed.
378
00:16:23,834 --> 00:16:26,269
He was stealing it
to thank me.
379
00:16:26,303 --> 00:16:27,603
Plea denied.
380
00:16:27,638 --> 00:16:29,772
Warm up the electric
chair, Lou.
381
00:16:29,807 --> 00:16:32,275
You're not done yet?
382
00:16:32,309 --> 00:16:33,943
The instructions
are in Swedish, Chief.
383
00:16:33,978 --> 00:16:35,878
We got this from IKILLYA.
384
00:16:35,913 --> 00:16:37,780
Yo, I totally
speak Swedish.
385
00:16:37,815 --> 00:16:38,781
Fluently?
386
00:16:38,816 --> 00:16:40,416
Um, ja.
387
00:16:40,451 --> 00:16:41,784
Uh, do what he says, Lou.
388
00:16:41,819 --> 00:16:43,686
But Chief...
But-but-but.
389
00:16:43,721 --> 00:16:46,556
Quit arguing and give
him the little wrench.
390
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:47,557
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
391
00:16:47,591 --> 00:16:49,025
Let him out, Lou.
Let him out.
392
00:16:49,059 --> 00:16:51,527
But Chief, we got guns;
he's got a little wrench.
393
00:16:51,562 --> 00:16:52,762
It's cold!
394
00:16:52,796 --> 00:16:54,430
Y... oh...
395
00:16:54,465 --> 00:16:56,766
All right.
396
00:16:59,103 --> 00:17:00,770
Thanks for coming down, Bart.
397
00:17:00,804 --> 00:17:03,439
You won't need
to save me a third time.
398
00:17:03,474 --> 00:17:04,540
You're going straight?
399
00:17:04,575 --> 00:17:07,377
If I get caught,
it's suicide by cop.
400
00:17:07,411 --> 00:17:09,078
Oh, I don't like
the sound of that.
401
00:17:09,113 --> 00:17:11,280
It means I get you
to shoot me, dude.
402
00:17:11,315 --> 00:17:13,783
Yeah, still sounds like
a lot of paperwork.
403
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,987
Hair volumizer?!
404
00:17:18,022 --> 00:17:19,222
Cologne?!
405
00:17:19,256 --> 00:17:21,691
Hello, Marjorie.
406
00:17:21,725 --> 00:17:22,925
Homie.
407
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,927
You look like
an NBA coach.
408
00:17:24,962 --> 00:17:26,896
Yes, well, it's
a special evening
409
00:17:26,930 --> 00:17:29,966
and I thought it best
not to look like a monkey.
410
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,467
Mm!
411
00:17:31,502 --> 00:17:32,802
Don't worry.
412
00:17:32,836 --> 00:17:34,537
I won't embarrass you.
413
00:17:34,571 --> 00:17:36,539
I will put
my napkin in my lap,
414
00:17:36,573 --> 00:17:38,708
I will use the utensils
provided for me,
415
00:17:38,742 --> 00:17:40,610
and if I our food
is slow in coming,
416
00:17:40,644 --> 00:17:43,012
I will "blow my stack"
in a manner
417
00:17:43,047 --> 00:17:45,815
befitting the Earl
of Yarborough.
418
00:17:45,849 --> 00:17:47,984
All right,
you've made your point.
419
00:17:48,018 --> 00:17:49,719
Hey, I can't screw this up
420
00:17:49,753 --> 00:17:52,822
or Lisa will get stuck
with someone like me.
421
00:17:52,856 --> 00:17:56,292
Homie, I don't have
a problem with you.
422
00:17:56,326 --> 00:17:59,295
Except your buttons
are off one.
423
00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:01,531
Actually, this is
a collar button, see?
424
00:18:01,565 --> 00:18:02,965
It goes like this...
425
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,601
Tuh! Is there no end
to your fault-finding?
426
00:18:07,071 --> 00:18:08,771
Maggie, help me
with this shirt.
427
00:18:11,542 --> 00:18:13,810
So Mr. Burns
never realized
428
00:18:13,844 --> 00:18:16,245
it was Maggie
who saved the plant?
429
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:17,246
Nope.
430
00:18:17,281 --> 00:18:18,581
Now, how's that drink?
431
00:18:18,615 --> 00:18:20,116
Can I Temple up
that Shirley?
432
00:18:20,150 --> 00:18:21,818
Oh, I'm fine.
433
00:18:23,287 --> 00:18:24,587
Well, have we decided?
434
00:18:24,621 --> 00:18:26,189
Uh, yeah, help me out here.
435
00:18:26,223 --> 00:18:27,690
What is the normal amount
436
00:18:27,724 --> 00:18:29,058
of entrees per person?
437
00:18:29,093 --> 00:18:30,760
Eh, one, sir.
438
00:18:30,794 --> 00:18:32,228
I mean for adults.
439
00:18:32,262 --> 00:18:33,262
One.
440
00:18:33,297 --> 00:18:35,865
No, I mean for
adult males.
441
00:18:35,899 --> 00:18:38,034
Yes.
I repeat, eh, one.
442
00:18:38,068 --> 00:18:40,503
All right,
I'll have the lasagna.
443
00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:41,504
All right.
444
00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:42,839
Meat or vegetarian?
445
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:44,674
Oh, uh... Oh...
446
00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:45,942
Vegetarian.
447
00:18:45,976 --> 00:18:49,345
Can the red
sauce be cow blood?
448
00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,514
We'll see what
we can do.
449
00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:52,949
Is that Mom?
450
00:18:52,983 --> 00:18:55,785
Homer, can you come
with me for a minute?
451
00:18:55,819 --> 00:18:57,587
Marge, please,
control your jealousy.
452
00:18:57,621 --> 00:18:59,188
This is your daughter.
453
00:18:59,223 --> 00:19:01,190
We need to have
a conversation
454
00:19:01,225 --> 00:19:02,792
in loud whispers.
455
00:19:02,826 --> 00:19:04,393
Uh, excuse me, Lisa.
456
00:19:04,428 --> 00:19:06,963
A friend from high school.
457
00:19:08,232 --> 00:19:10,233
Homie, I felt terrible
458
00:19:10,267 --> 00:19:12,368
when you said I felt
stuck with you.
459
00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:13,870
But then I realized:
460
00:19:13,904 --> 00:19:15,972
I am stuck with you.
461
00:19:16,006 --> 00:19:18,708
I couldn't stop loving you
if I tried.
462
00:19:18,742 --> 00:19:21,711
I'm sorry, that's all very nice.
463
00:19:21,745 --> 00:19:23,713
But I can't forget
what you said.
464
00:19:23,747 --> 00:19:25,014
I know, Homie.
465
00:19:25,048 --> 00:19:26,582
I know you well
enough to know
466
00:19:26,617 --> 00:19:28,551
you're not ready
to forgive me yet.
467
00:19:28,585 --> 00:19:30,686
But I also know
you well enough
468
00:19:30,721 --> 00:19:33,856
to know that
this will work.
469
00:19:33,891 --> 00:19:35,358
Where'd you get
that dress?
470
00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:38,628
Remember that
sewing machine
471
00:19:38,662 --> 00:19:40,229
you say I
never use?
472
00:19:40,264 --> 00:19:43,466
Well, I sold it and
bought this dress.
473
00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:44,467
Wow...
474
00:19:44,501 --> 00:19:46,469
Wow, that looks just like
475
00:19:46,503 --> 00:19:48,538
the dress you wore
on Project Runway.
476
00:19:48,572 --> 00:19:49,805
Shush-shush-shush.
477
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:50,907
Oh, right.
478
00:19:50,941 --> 00:19:52,575
I mean, this looks like a dress
479
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,310
from a local Springfield store.
480
00:19:54,344 --> 00:19:55,811
All is forgiven.
481
00:19:55,846 --> 00:19:57,380
Let's have dinner.
482
00:20:01,885 --> 00:20:04,554
Dad, I believe
we were on a date?
483
00:20:04,588 --> 00:20:06,989
Oh, of course.
You're right, honey.
484
00:20:07,024 --> 00:20:09,659
I'll just, um...
I'll park it at the bar.
485
00:20:11,528 --> 00:20:14,230
Well, hello.
486
00:20:14,264 --> 00:20:17,333
And your lasagna
with cow blood, sir.
487
00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:18,501
Thanks, Frenchy.
488
00:20:18,535 --> 00:20:20,903
I'm not French,
I'm just pissy.
489
00:20:24,944 --> 00:20:25,944
Lucas.
490
00:20:25,979 --> 00:20:28,026
You're not competitive
eating anymore?
491
00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:29,194
No.
492
00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:30,929
I realized that
was unrealistic.
493
00:20:30,964 --> 00:20:32,264
Well, that's a relief.
494
00:20:32,298 --> 00:20:34,933
My new goal is to become
whatever Adele is.
495
00:20:34,968 --> 00:20:37,436
Just call me Pound-Uca-Dollar.
496
00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:39,738
What if I just taught
you how to whistle?
497
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,039
You know how to whistle?
498
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:42,274
Like with your mouth?
499
00:20:45,297 --> 00:20:46,564
Hey, I'm doing it!
500
00:20:49,907 --> 00:20:51,392
I sound just like a bird!
501
00:20:53,651 --> 00:20:58,651
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
502
00:21:32,545 --> 00:21:33,699
Shh!