1 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:21,829 (crow squawks) 2 00:00:22,515 --> 00:00:24,942 (The Simpsons' theme playing in 8-bit audio) 3 00:00:29,322 --> 00:00:31,052 (crackling) 4 00:00:38,532 --> 00:00:39,639 Yeah, how ya doin'? 5 00:00:39,659 --> 00:00:40,932 (explosion thunders) 6 00:00:42,003 --> 00:00:45,003 ♪ The Simpsons 25x17 ♪ Luca$ Original Air Date on April 6, 2014 7 00:00:45,016 --> 00:00:48,316 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 8 00:00:49,354 --> 00:00:51,367 (snoring loudly) 9 00:00:51,396 --> 00:00:52,897 (tires screech, horn honks) 10 00:00:52,911 --> 00:00:54,818 H-Hey, what? 11 00:00:54,841 --> 00:00:56,697 Oh! Oh, cleats! 12 00:00:56,703 --> 00:00:58,676 (sighs) Homie, what happened? 13 00:00:59,671 --> 00:01:02,617 Uh... maybe some easy-listening music 14 00:01:02,623 --> 00:01:04,777 will make you feel better about the story. 15 00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,690 Turn on 89.9. 16 00:01:06,709 --> 00:01:07,617 (Marge grumbles) 17 00:01:07,659 --> 00:01:08,690 (easy listening music playing) 18 00:01:08,716 --> 00:01:12,363 Like most of my problems, it all started at Moe's... 19 00:01:12,851 --> 00:01:16,661 CARL: All right, so the rules are every time the news guy says "senator," 20 00:01:16,688 --> 00:01:18,075 we got to take a drink. 21 00:01:18,094 --> 00:01:21,601 Huh. It'll be nice to let someone else decide when I drink-- too much pressure. 22 00:01:21,647 --> 00:01:23,045 (new theme playing) 23 00:01:23,075 --> 00:01:24,748 (quietly): Uh, yeah, Channel Six tip line? 24 00:01:24,761 --> 00:01:27,428 I just caught two senators doin' it in the alley. 25 00:01:27,448 --> 00:01:29,661 And me? I'm just a reliable source. 26 00:01:29,688 --> 00:01:31,548 Not "sauce," "source." 27 00:01:31,563 --> 00:01:34,123 Source! S-A-U-R-C-E! 28 00:01:34,163 --> 00:01:37,450 We have heard from a very reliable sauce 29 00:01:37,482 --> 00:01:39,690 news involving multiple senators. 30 00:01:39,710 --> 00:01:41,479 I'm going to read a list of senators, 31 00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:44,026 with possibly more senators to be named later 32 00:01:44,046 --> 00:01:46,645 by other senators: Senator Abercrombie, 33 00:01:46,672 --> 00:01:49,222 Senator Billingsley, Senator Beaumont... 34 00:01:50,827 --> 00:01:52,239 (snickers) 35 00:01:52,257 --> 00:01:55,077 Hmm? Oh, damn, the plaster's flaking again. 36 00:01:56,476 --> 00:01:58,516 HOMER: Once intoxicated, we had a great idea. 37 00:01:58,542 --> 00:02:00,297 Hey! Swings! 38 00:02:01,761 --> 00:02:03,866 (laughing): I'm a kid again! 39 00:02:03,886 --> 00:02:05,353 (laughing) 40 00:02:05,378 --> 00:02:06,891 Oh... gah... 41 00:02:06,913 --> 00:02:08,501 I'll save you! 42 00:02:09,382 --> 00:02:10,565 (grunts) 43 00:02:10,742 --> 00:02:11,995 (grunting) 44 00:02:12,024 --> 00:02:14,304 Oh, the only way out is in! 45 00:02:14,324 --> 00:02:18,011 Hey, look at me! I'm going up a slide! 46 00:02:18,031 --> 00:02:20,412 BOTH (chanting): Homer! Homer! 47 00:02:20,452 --> 00:02:22,232 Best recess ever! 48 00:02:22,245 --> 00:02:23,672 (shouts) (clang) 49 00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:24,510 - Whoa. - (gasps) 50 00:02:24,537 --> 00:02:26,177 Help me, guys! Guys? 51 00:02:26,204 --> 00:02:27,397 (grunting) 52 00:02:27,416 --> 00:02:29,316 Don't worry, Homer, I'll call the cops! 53 00:02:29,335 --> 00:02:30,896 I'll write my senator. 54 00:02:30,922 --> 00:02:32,937 - Senator! - Senator! 55 00:02:33,633 --> 00:02:38,712 Oh, am I gonna die on a playground, like some uncoordinated child? 56 00:02:39,364 --> 00:02:41,624 But I did learn something from all this: 57 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:45,643 The sprinklers in this park come on at 3:00 a.m. 58 00:02:47,213 --> 00:02:49,820 Hey, thanks for throwing the ball back. Really. 59 00:02:49,868 --> 00:02:51,132 (sighs) 60 00:02:51,157 --> 00:02:53,391 I'll come back with the fire truck. 61 00:02:53,411 --> 00:02:55,971 I just have to get the kids to school first. 62 00:02:55,997 --> 00:02:57,484 Oh, are the kids with you? 63 00:02:57,517 --> 00:02:58,637 - LISA: Hi, Dad. - BART: Homer. 64 00:02:58,656 --> 00:03:01,090 Hey, guys! Why are you ducked-down like that? 65 00:03:01,110 --> 00:03:03,079 BART: Don't want to be seen with you when you're hitting bottom. 66 00:03:03,092 --> 00:03:04,779 LISA: At least we hope it's bottom. 67 00:03:04,797 --> 00:03:07,537 Don't worry, it's bottom, all right. 68 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,427 (grunts) 69 00:03:10,828 --> 00:03:11,849 (Marge groans) 70 00:03:12,564 --> 00:03:14,684 BART: And that's why I was tardy today. 71 00:03:14,704 --> 00:03:16,877 And with that tardiness, you have at last crossed 72 00:03:16,890 --> 00:03:19,532 the boundary where I can legally apply physical discipline. 73 00:03:19,545 --> 00:03:21,264 Willie, cut me a switch! 74 00:03:21,293 --> 00:03:23,928 What about the one your ma used on you? 75 00:03:23,948 --> 00:03:25,781 It, uh, broke on my buttocks. 76 00:03:25,801 --> 00:03:29,915 Serves you right for eating jam straight out of the jar. 77 00:03:31,262 --> 00:03:33,816 Damn it! That's not even a swivel chair. 78 00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:37,733 Skate, skate as fast as you can. 79 00:03:37,752 --> 00:03:40,621 But I'll catch you-- I'm the Principal Man! 80 00:03:40,639 --> 00:03:42,674 That's the kind of education you're missing. 81 00:03:45,390 --> 00:03:46,878 (car backfiring) 82 00:03:46,905 --> 00:03:50,494 Oh, no. Uphill. The one place my car can't go. 83 00:03:50,513 --> 00:03:51,767 (gears grinding) 84 00:03:51,784 --> 00:03:53,151 (steam hissing) 85 00:03:55,621 --> 00:03:57,368 Uh, would you like a quote? 86 00:03:57,387 --> 00:03:58,943 Uh, yes. 87 00:03:58,964 --> 00:04:01,044 "Some cause happiness wherever they go; 88 00:04:01,057 --> 00:04:03,874 Others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde. 89 00:04:03,895 --> 00:04:06,162 Uh, P.S. Your car is totaled. 90 00:04:08,846 --> 00:04:10,393 Whew! Safe. 91 00:04:10,412 --> 00:04:12,963 JAILBIRD: Oh, not totally. 92 00:04:12,978 --> 00:04:15,351 Whoa! What-what are you doing in here? 93 00:04:15,364 --> 00:04:17,051 Hiding from the cops. 94 00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:19,282 Well, I can't have cops sniffing around here. 95 00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:22,329 - Some of them might be girls. - Can't I just stay a little? 96 00:04:22,354 --> 00:04:25,405 I only committed this robbery to help my kid. 97 00:04:25,424 --> 00:04:28,466 See, this is Jeremy. I need to get him braces. 98 00:04:28,487 --> 00:04:32,380 I always thought that if I'd had braces, I'd have smiled more. 99 00:04:32,399 --> 00:04:34,573 Hey, I bet you have a great smile. 100 00:04:34,593 --> 00:04:36,887 - Huh? - Ay, caramba! 101 00:04:36,915 --> 00:04:40,230 Bart, Bart, we're in whatchamacallit... a pursuit! 102 00:04:40,252 --> 00:04:43,187 So why'd you come here? I run a respectable tree house. 103 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,618 Just wondering if you've seen anything. 104 00:04:44,638 --> 00:04:47,693 Uh, word is you'll, uh... you'll snitch for candy. 105 00:04:47,712 --> 00:04:50,326 You can't buy me with a candy bar that has coconut. 106 00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:53,190 Then maybe this is more your... neighborhood. 107 00:04:53,211 --> 00:04:55,579 Nice real estate. You got a deal. 108 00:04:55,592 --> 00:04:57,165 So, what do you know? 109 00:04:57,183 --> 00:05:01,000 I saw a guy with a gun and a snake tattoo... 110 00:05:01,013 --> 00:05:04,159 say he was gonna hide out on top of Mount Springfield. 111 00:05:04,172 --> 00:05:06,823 Mount Springfield, eh? 112 00:05:06,852 --> 00:05:09,452 Strap on your crampons, boys! 113 00:05:09,474 --> 00:05:11,234 Eddie! Prepare my litter! 114 00:05:11,249 --> 00:05:15,703 Lou, you are responsible for my oxygen, food, water and cleaning! 115 00:05:15,733 --> 00:05:17,512 - You have to clean me. - I clean you. Yeah. 116 00:05:17,536 --> 00:05:19,849 Dude, thank you. Why did you save me? 117 00:05:19,862 --> 00:05:21,748 We outlaws have to stick together. 118 00:05:21,773 --> 00:05:23,530 Outlaw? You? 119 00:05:23,543 --> 00:05:28,381 Stolen bowling shoes, 3-D glasses, Krusty standee and this "cage" for my pet. 120 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,361 Oh. What do you feed him? 121 00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:31,980 My A.D.D. meds. 122 00:05:32,004 --> 00:05:33,491 (trilling) 123 00:05:33,526 --> 00:05:34,413 (chuckles) 124 00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:38,192 Um, listen, would you like two tickets to the school musical? 125 00:05:38,203 --> 00:05:40,956 My son plays the butcher. 126 00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:42,373 In Fiddler on the Roof. 127 00:05:42,399 --> 00:05:44,193 I'm busy that night. 128 00:05:44,212 --> 00:05:45,949 Yeah, lucky you. 129 00:05:46,265 --> 00:05:48,132 (indistinct chatter) 130 00:05:48,547 --> 00:05:49,447 (grunting) 131 00:05:49,461 --> 00:05:50,674 Huh? 132 00:05:50,696 --> 00:05:53,463 (gagging) 133 00:05:53,572 --> 00:05:54,365 (gasps) 134 00:05:54,390 --> 00:05:55,997 Are you okay? 135 00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:57,681 Don't put more in there! 136 00:05:57,703 --> 00:05:59,203 (choking): Going for the record. 137 00:05:59,211 --> 00:05:59,891 (choking) 138 00:05:59,916 --> 00:06:01,756 What record? Stupidest death? 139 00:06:01,781 --> 00:06:03,094 Aah! 140 00:06:04,149 --> 00:06:05,649 (grunting) 141 00:06:05,757 --> 00:06:07,124 Blagh! 142 00:06:07,553 --> 00:06:08,900 Merci beaucoup! 143 00:06:08,928 --> 00:06:11,690 - Oh, well, you're very wel... - That's French for "hello." 144 00:06:11,711 --> 00:06:14,631 - Actually, I think it... - Lucas Bortner, competitive eater. 145 00:06:14,651 --> 00:06:18,242 A fat kid with a dream? I can't compete with that. 146 00:06:18,255 --> 00:06:21,032 What does a competitive eater eat? 147 00:06:21,039 --> 00:06:24,474 All the glamour foods: Pizza, boiled eggs, chicken wings 148 00:06:24,494 --> 00:06:28,022 and the big enchilada, which is not enchiladas but hot dogs. 149 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:31,646 69 hot dogs is the current record. As the great Kobayashi says, 150 00:06:31,669 --> 00:06:33,875 "Detekurutoki itaiyo." 151 00:06:33,888 --> 00:06:35,462 What does that mean? 152 00:06:35,474 --> 00:06:36,961 "That's gonna hurt coming out." 153 00:06:36,982 --> 00:06:39,866 Is Kobayashi the number one, um, uh... 154 00:06:39,886 --> 00:06:41,699 The correct term is "gurgitator." 155 00:06:41,727 --> 00:06:43,594 I won't be using the correct term then. 156 00:06:43,609 --> 00:06:46,324 Virtually everyone uses his technique: Japanesing. 157 00:06:46,350 --> 00:06:48,077 Shall I demonstrate? 158 00:06:48,098 --> 00:06:51,431 Um, why don't I just go sit alone... Oh, you're doing it. 159 00:06:51,449 --> 00:06:53,658 Ready, set... 160 00:06:53,685 --> 00:06:55,686 Japanese! 161 00:06:56,635 --> 00:06:58,136 (choking) 162 00:06:58,350 --> 00:07:00,268 (grunting, groaning) 163 00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:01,948 That's not going down. (gagging) 164 00:07:01,961 --> 00:07:06,031 - This happens from time to time. - Maybe this isn't the sport for you. 165 00:07:06,058 --> 00:07:09,485 It's not a sport. It's my life. 166 00:07:09,501 --> 00:07:11,054 LISA: Aw, he's sweet. 167 00:07:11,083 --> 00:07:13,066 (chuckles) What am I doing? 168 00:07:13,085 --> 00:07:17,033 He's just Ralph with a dream. The dream of not ralphing. 169 00:07:17,056 --> 00:07:20,446 But I'm sure I could totally change and fix him. 170 00:07:20,466 --> 00:07:23,296 - Can I join you for lunch? - Um, sure. 171 00:07:23,315 --> 00:07:27,212 - How many whole pizzas would you like? - Um, can I just have a slice? 172 00:07:27,232 --> 00:07:29,253 Interesting technique. (chuckles) 173 00:07:31,678 --> 00:07:32,771 BART: Whoa. 174 00:07:32,784 --> 00:07:35,824 You didn't tell me you had a PlayStadium 4! 175 00:07:35,847 --> 00:07:38,541 It's the first I've seen it. 176 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,930 Something's fishy, Bart. 177 00:07:40,959 --> 00:07:42,919 Where's the gift receipt? 178 00:07:42,948 --> 00:07:45,884 Where's the packet of desiccant that says "Do not eat"? 179 00:07:45,904 --> 00:07:48,577 And, believe me, you shouldn't. 180 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:52,054 I have a feeling this PlayStadium was liberated 181 00:07:52,067 --> 00:07:55,923 from its previous owner and given to me in gratitude. 182 00:07:55,936 --> 00:07:58,983 Liberated? You mean "stolen"? 183 00:07:58,996 --> 00:08:01,373 You can't spell "crime" without "me." 184 00:08:01,386 --> 00:08:03,953 C-R-I... (gasps) 185 00:08:03,972 --> 00:08:05,646 There it is, at the end! 186 00:08:05,679 --> 00:08:07,171 (doorbell rings) 187 00:08:07,945 --> 00:08:09,745 Oh, hi. Is-is Lisa home? 188 00:08:09,765 --> 00:08:12,565 Yes, she is. And who are you? 189 00:08:12,991 --> 00:08:14,052 Lucas. 190 00:08:14,059 --> 00:08:17,051 It's pronounced "Luca-dollar." That's my competition name. 191 00:08:17,077 --> 00:08:18,624 I'm a competitive eater. 192 00:08:18,650 --> 00:08:20,523 HOMER: Competitive eater? Did I hear right? 193 00:08:20,548 --> 00:08:24,157 - I could be a competitive eater? - No! You didn't hear anything! 194 00:08:24,176 --> 00:08:26,063 Yes, I did! I heard "competitive eater"! 195 00:08:26,082 --> 00:08:29,217 It's for people who haven't had heart problems. 196 00:08:29,230 --> 00:08:31,680 Then that makes me the Jackie Robinson of the sport, 197 00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:34,720 and you are the racist Philadelphia manager. 198 00:08:34,740 --> 00:08:37,723 Quit comparing me to Ben Chapman. 199 00:08:37,743 --> 00:08:40,233 I will when you open your mind to change! 200 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:41,700 Oh...! 201 00:08:42,033 --> 00:08:45,573 So, what should we practice: Um, Vienna sausage; 202 00:08:45,586 --> 00:08:48,058 Blueberry pie, short form; 203 00:08:48,079 --> 00:08:50,119 Oatmeal, long course; 204 00:08:50,142 --> 00:08:52,954 Freestyle baked beans; Catfish-- ooh! 205 00:08:52,968 --> 00:08:55,194 - Cow brains. - Beans, beans! 206 00:08:55,213 --> 00:08:56,466 We'll do beans. 207 00:08:58,626 --> 00:09:01,573 Hmm. Never saw the pork eat the beans before. 208 00:09:01,606 --> 00:09:03,745 (both laugh) 209 00:09:03,764 --> 00:09:08,618 Actually, I'm a little surprised Lisa likes him. 210 00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:12,968 Really! Justin Blobber over there doesn't remind you of anyone? 211 00:09:12,981 --> 00:09:16,204 $800 to cut me out of that slide?! 212 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,896 It's all about the money with those firemen. 213 00:09:18,916 --> 00:09:21,616 Women marry their fathers, Marge. 214 00:09:21,635 --> 00:09:25,094 So you just might be meeting your future "ton-in-law." 215 00:09:25,112 --> 00:09:26,539 (both laughing) 216 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:28,460 Ton-in-law. 217 00:09:28,476 --> 00:09:30,443 God bless us. 218 00:09:30,878 --> 00:09:31,658 (gasps) 219 00:09:31,683 --> 00:09:33,683 You can do better. 220 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,047 (Homer snoring) 221 00:09:43,072 --> 00:09:46,592 MARGE: My sisters are nuts. I'm happy being married to Homer. 222 00:09:46,605 --> 00:09:48,692 Most of the time. 223 00:09:49,187 --> 00:09:50,757 (groans) 224 00:09:50,784 --> 00:09:52,785 (barking) 225 00:09:56,242 --> 00:09:57,982 Ooh! What the...? 226 00:09:58,010 --> 00:09:59,050 (sighs) 227 00:09:59,092 --> 00:10:02,294 (Rossini's "The Thieving Magpie" playing) 228 00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:05,437 ♪ ♪ 229 00:10:09,315 --> 00:10:10,893 (slurps) 230 00:10:16,595 --> 00:10:19,531 (yelling) 231 00:10:24,010 --> 00:10:25,097 Meep, meep! 232 00:10:25,110 --> 00:10:27,111 (descending whistle) 233 00:10:30,709 --> 00:10:32,107 (gunshot) 234 00:10:34,126 --> 00:10:35,827 Hmm... 235 00:10:37,275 --> 00:10:40,347 Maybe you're not cut out for competitive eating. 236 00:10:40,367 --> 00:10:42,300 Are you calling me not fat? 237 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:44,374 No, I'm just... I... 238 00:10:44,387 --> 00:10:47,165 Maybe you just haven't found the right food, huh? 239 00:10:47,172 --> 00:10:49,407 - How 'bout ice cream? - Yes! 240 00:10:49,420 --> 00:10:52,194 I will lay some hurt on that cream. 241 00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:56,333 Oh, my God! Brain freeze! Oh, my God. 242 00:10:56,353 --> 00:10:58,724 Kick me in the head till I pass out. 243 00:11:00,113 --> 00:11:03,860 Harder! I'm still conscious! You must kick me harder. 244 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:12,645 Okay, honey, I made you pork chops just like you like 'em. 245 00:11:12,671 --> 00:11:14,572 - Twenty. - Thanks, babe. 246 00:11:14,592 --> 00:11:17,529 Sorry you had to drop out of college to feed me full-time. 247 00:11:17,543 --> 00:11:19,387 Now give us a kiss. 248 00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:23,949 (Lisa screaming) 249 00:11:23,983 --> 00:11:25,784 (gasps deeply) 250 00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:29,817 What the...? 251 00:11:31,295 --> 00:11:32,922 Oh, yawn. 252 00:11:32,938 --> 00:11:35,869 Another freebie. Better be a 64 gig. 253 00:11:36,895 --> 00:11:38,783 Huh? It's full of lame apps: 254 00:11:38,804 --> 00:11:42,111 Bully Avoider, Nosebook, Insta-Grandma. 255 00:11:42,131 --> 00:11:44,534 This was stolen from Milhouse! 256 00:11:44,547 --> 00:11:46,014 From my backpack. 257 00:11:46,027 --> 00:11:48,252 Where Puppy Goo-Goo sleeps. 258 00:11:48,265 --> 00:11:51,494 Maybe it's time to tell me exactly what's going on. 259 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:55,711 Relax. Listen to the music of this bubble game. 260 00:11:56,501 --> 00:11:58,325 (gentle music plays) 261 00:11:58,835 --> 00:12:01,879 So peaceful. 262 00:12:01,911 --> 00:12:03,684 No! I won't let this go! 263 00:12:03,704 --> 00:12:07,006 It's time you told me how you've been getting all this stuff. 264 00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:08,126 (sighs) 265 00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:11,982 I helped Snake out of a jam so he paid me back in stolen stuff. 266 00:12:11,995 --> 00:12:15,615 It was an honorable arrangement. But I never thought he'd steal from you. 267 00:12:15,628 --> 00:12:22,314 Snake, eh? I never would've suspected the one criminal in town. 268 00:12:23,584 --> 00:12:24,884 (chuckles) 269 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:27,539 You seem stressed. You want to suck some Squishee? 270 00:12:27,545 --> 00:12:29,058 Sure. (whooshing) 271 00:12:29,071 --> 00:12:32,072 - Mmm! - Careful. It's uncut syrup. 272 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,194 They give it to horses before they race. 273 00:12:34,216 --> 00:12:35,917 (sucking, slurping) 274 00:12:41,016 --> 00:12:43,329 BROCKMAN: Jailbird, A Snake. 275 00:12:43,349 --> 00:12:46,762 That's his real name. Albert Knickerbocker Aloysius Snake-- 276 00:12:46,775 --> 00:12:48,676 has been arrested for a series of thefts and may be 277 00:12:48,698 --> 00:12:51,265 put to death under a controversial new statute. 278 00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:52,340 (gasps) 279 00:12:52,368 --> 00:12:55,719 Yeah, we had a law stating "Three strikes and you're out." 280 00:12:55,738 --> 00:12:59,318 But I thought it was "You're out." So I let people go. 281 00:12:59,325 --> 00:13:02,838 So now it's "Four balls and you walk. 282 00:13:02,858 --> 00:13:07,309 Right to the electric chair." It's, uh, much clearer, Kent. 283 00:13:07,342 --> 00:13:09,165 Bart, I'm so sorry. 284 00:13:09,178 --> 00:13:12,365 I just wanted to ruin his life, not end it. 285 00:13:12,377 --> 00:13:14,244 You ratted him out? (groans) 286 00:13:14,257 --> 00:13:16,764 - He's got a kid. - A kid?! 287 00:13:16,783 --> 00:13:19,091 I was crushed when I lost my dad 288 00:13:19,097 --> 00:13:21,925 and all he did was move to the Holiday Inn. 289 00:13:21,945 --> 00:13:25,757 I can still see him smoking on the balcony. 290 00:13:25,781 --> 00:13:27,941 He looked like he missed something. 291 00:13:27,958 --> 00:13:29,998 Maybe me. 292 00:13:30,019 --> 00:13:32,552 So you see, we can't let Jailbird fry. 293 00:13:32,565 --> 00:13:35,331 Time for the Sleepover Detectives. 294 00:13:35,344 --> 00:13:36,891 I didn't say there'd be a sleepover. 295 00:13:36,910 --> 00:13:40,177 Too bad, 'cause I'm wearing my pajamas under my clothes. 296 00:13:40,183 --> 00:13:44,824 And my swimsuit under those. One day it'll all pay off. 297 00:13:44,847 --> 00:13:46,900 (Homer humming jauntily) 298 00:13:46,928 --> 00:13:49,928 Oh! There's my magazine. 299 00:13:49,941 --> 00:13:54,217 Why, look at this. "What every father should do for his daughter." 300 00:13:54,244 --> 00:13:57,605 Oh, Marge, if you want me to do something, just tell me. 301 00:13:57,617 --> 00:13:59,385 Don't hide behind a magazine. 302 00:13:59,398 --> 00:14:02,084 Right. Right, right, right. According to Judy Kleinsmith, 303 00:14:02,097 --> 00:14:04,224 a professional freelance writer, 304 00:14:04,237 --> 00:14:06,580 fathers should take their daughters out on little 305 00:14:06,593 --> 00:14:10,033 dinner dates and treat them like a gentleman would. 306 00:14:10,051 --> 00:14:13,863 Then she'll expect the same from the men in her future. 307 00:14:13,889 --> 00:14:18,469 Wait, let me get this straight: Sit and eat? That's my punishment? 308 00:14:18,488 --> 00:14:22,188 It's not a punishment. But you can't just eat dinner. 309 00:14:22,215 --> 00:14:25,727 You have to be gentlemanly and attentive. 310 00:14:25,754 --> 00:14:27,560 Oh, I can fake attentive. 311 00:14:27,573 --> 00:14:30,175 I've been watching a football game this whole discussion. 312 00:14:30,188 --> 00:14:33,593 Not fake attentive. Real attentive. 313 00:14:33,613 --> 00:14:37,756 Okay, okay. I'll make it fun. I'll take her to that crab place. 314 00:14:37,781 --> 00:14:42,128 - All the crabs you could smash. - You know Lisa's a vegetarian. 315 00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:43,668 She can smash a salad. 316 00:14:43,688 --> 00:14:47,375 No. Homer, you can't just do the things you want to do. 317 00:14:47,381 --> 00:14:51,260 You have to act like someone you'd want Lisa to marry. 318 00:14:51,279 --> 00:14:55,522 If you just act like yourself, she might just... um... 319 00:14:55,551 --> 00:14:58,224 Oh, you know... um... 320 00:14:58,241 --> 00:15:00,728 She might marry someone like me? 321 00:15:00,748 --> 00:15:03,148 You think that would be bad. 322 00:15:03,161 --> 00:15:04,801 Homie, I love you. 323 00:15:04,819 --> 00:15:08,806 But you can be a challenge, like doing the Daily Jumble. 324 00:15:08,831 --> 00:15:14,542 Marge, you are comparing me to the most infuriating thing in the newspaper! 325 00:15:14,555 --> 00:15:16,022 Well, I was just trying to... 326 00:15:16,034 --> 00:15:19,382 Oh... I'm sleeping on Flanders' couch tonight. 327 00:15:19,408 --> 00:15:21,215 Ours is crap. 328 00:15:21,383 --> 00:15:22,477 (door shuts) 329 00:15:25,324 --> 00:15:29,095 So Marge says I gotta ask Lisa on a date. 330 00:15:29,109 --> 00:15:31,409 Sure you remember how to ask out a girl, Homer? 331 00:15:31,428 --> 00:15:34,039 Yeah, you've been out of the game a long time there. 332 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,387 Guys, lay off Homer. 333 00:15:35,413 --> 00:15:38,922 Now you quit stalling and call your daughter like a man. 334 00:15:38,945 --> 00:15:40,558 Oh... it feels weird. 335 00:15:40,571 --> 00:15:44,727 Just ask your daughter to have dinner with you. What is the big deal? 336 00:15:44,740 --> 00:15:46,780 Ah, he's doing it! He's calling a girl. 337 00:15:46,793 --> 00:15:48,293 Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God... (line ringing) 338 00:15:48,313 --> 00:15:49,366 Oh, it's ringing. 339 00:15:49,379 --> 00:15:51,219 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 340 00:15:51,238 --> 00:15:52,104 LISA: Hello? 341 00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:55,441 Uh, hello. Lisa? I know your brother and... 342 00:15:55,460 --> 00:15:57,642 Oh! Stupid, stupid, stupid! 343 00:15:57,664 --> 00:15:59,984 Calm down, calm down. She doesn't know it's you. 344 00:15:59,997 --> 00:16:00,897 (phone ringing) 345 00:16:00,928 --> 00:16:02,695 Ah! Hide! Hide! 346 00:16:02,709 --> 00:16:03,925 (Moe sighs) 347 00:16:04,535 --> 00:16:08,451 Uh, hello? Oh, sure, Lisa, uh, your dad's right here. 348 00:16:10,364 --> 00:16:12,351 Dad? Did you just call? 349 00:16:12,378 --> 00:16:16,946 Uh, yeah. Hey, listen, your mom thinks that maybe you and I 350 00:16:16,952 --> 00:16:19,861 should have dinner together sometime. 351 00:16:19,881 --> 00:16:21,187 Just the two of us? 352 00:16:21,207 --> 00:16:23,258 Ah, yeah, I knew you'd think it's dumb. 353 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:25,552 I'd love that. See you tonight. 354 00:16:25,571 --> 00:16:26,299 (whoops) 355 00:16:26,312 --> 00:16:29,553 - I got a date with my daughter! - Yeah, we all been there. 356 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:32,818 No need to act like you just invented air conditioning. 357 00:16:36,556 --> 00:16:40,353 So, you see, Chief, Snake wasn't stealing that stuff out of greed. 358 00:16:40,387 --> 00:16:42,907 He was stealing it to thank me. 359 00:16:42,926 --> 00:16:46,651 Plea denied. Warm up the electric chair, Lou. 360 00:16:47,335 --> 00:16:48,682 You're not done yet? 361 00:16:48,701 --> 00:16:50,662 The instructions are in Swedish, Chief. 362 00:16:50,675 --> 00:16:52,477 We got this from IKILLYA. 363 00:16:52,492 --> 00:16:55,397 - Yo, I totally speak Swedish. - Fluently? 364 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:56,908 Um, ja. 365 00:16:56,914 --> 00:16:58,343 Uh, do what he says, Lou. 366 00:16:58,372 --> 00:17:00,045 - But Chief... - But-but-but. 367 00:17:00,065 --> 00:17:03,256 Quit arguing and give him the little wrench. 368 00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:05,616 Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Let him out, Lou. Let him out. 369 00:17:05,645 --> 00:17:08,113 But Chief, we got guns; He's got a little wrench. 370 00:17:08,134 --> 00:17:09,494 It's cold! 371 00:17:09,522 --> 00:17:10,849 Y... oh... (sighs, groans) 372 00:17:10,869 --> 00:17:12,225 All right. 373 00:17:13,553 --> 00:17:15,460 (Wiggum whimpers, groans) 374 00:17:15,479 --> 00:17:17,426 Thanks for coming down, Bart. 375 00:17:17,446 --> 00:17:20,173 You won't need to save me a third time. 376 00:17:20,193 --> 00:17:24,068 - You're going straight? - If I get caught, it's suicide by cop. 377 00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:25,943 Oh, I don't like the sound of that. 378 00:17:25,956 --> 00:17:28,019 It means I get you to shoot me, dude. 379 00:17:28,032 --> 00:17:30,394 Yeah, still sounds like a lot of paperwork. 380 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:34,938 Hair volumizer?! 381 00:17:34,962 --> 00:17:36,369 Cologne?! 382 00:17:36,402 --> 00:17:38,594 Hello, Marjorie. 383 00:17:38,614 --> 00:17:41,681 Homie. You look like an NBA coach. 384 00:17:41,701 --> 00:17:46,656 Yes, well, it's a special evening and I thought it best not to look like a monkey. 385 00:17:46,679 --> 00:17:48,206 Mm! 386 00:17:48,221 --> 00:17:51,185 Don't worry. I won't embarrass you. 387 00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:55,400 I will put my napkin in my lap, I will use the utensils provided for me, 388 00:17:55,428 --> 00:17:59,565 and if I our food is slow in coming, I will "blow my stack" in a manner 389 00:17:59,587 --> 00:18:02,541 befitting the Earl of Yarborough. 390 00:18:02,554 --> 00:18:04,716 All right, you've made your point. 391 00:18:04,736 --> 00:18:09,548 Hey, I can't screw this up or Lisa will get stuck with someone like me. 392 00:18:09,574 --> 00:18:12,923 Homie, I don't have a problem with you. 393 00:18:12,943 --> 00:18:16,054 Except your buttons are off one. 394 00:18:16,073 --> 00:18:19,518 Actually, this is a collar button, see? It goes like this... 395 00:18:19,553 --> 00:18:22,572 Tuh! Is there no end to your fault-finding? 396 00:18:23,576 --> 00:18:25,196 Maggie, help me with this shirt. 397 00:18:25,225 --> 00:18:26,592 (groans) 398 00:18:27,613 --> 00:18:28,863 (Homer and Lisa laughing) 399 00:18:28,955 --> 00:18:32,951 So Mr. Burns never realized it was Maggie who saved the plant? 400 00:18:32,971 --> 00:18:35,118 Nope. Now, how's that drink? 401 00:18:35,144 --> 00:18:36,813 Can I Temple up that Shirley? 402 00:18:36,841 --> 00:18:38,509 Oh, I'm fine. 403 00:18:38,523 --> 00:18:39,774 (giggles) 404 00:18:39,794 --> 00:18:41,259 Well, have we decided? 405 00:18:41,285 --> 00:18:42,732 Uh, yeah, help me out here. 406 00:18:42,751 --> 00:18:45,631 What is the normal amount of entrees per person? 407 00:18:45,657 --> 00:18:47,457 Eh, one, sir. 408 00:18:47,471 --> 00:18:49,886 - I mean for adults. - One. 409 00:18:49,919 --> 00:18:52,569 No, I mean for adult males. 410 00:18:52,597 --> 00:18:54,897 Yes. I repeat, eh, one. 411 00:18:54,919 --> 00:18:57,179 All right, I'll have the lasagna. 412 00:18:57,206 --> 00:18:59,540 All right. Meat or vegetarian? 413 00:18:59,570 --> 00:19:01,337 Oh, uh... Oh... 414 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:02,641 Vegetarian. 415 00:19:02,668 --> 00:19:05,968 (quietly): Can the red sauce be cow blood? 416 00:19:05,981 --> 00:19:08,163 We'll see what we can do. 417 00:19:08,176 --> 00:19:10,103 Is that Mom? 418 00:19:10,127 --> 00:19:12,474 Homer, can you come with me for a minute? 419 00:19:12,490 --> 00:19:15,815 Marge, please, control your jealousy. This is your daughter. 420 00:19:15,828 --> 00:19:19,435 We need to have a conversation in loud whispers. 421 00:19:19,448 --> 00:19:21,308 Uh, excuse me, Lisa. 422 00:19:21,325 --> 00:19:23,476 A friend from high school. 423 00:19:24,909 --> 00:19:29,039 Homie, I felt terrible when you said I felt stuck with you. 424 00:19:29,073 --> 00:19:32,606 But then I realized: I am stuck with you. 425 00:19:32,619 --> 00:19:36,304 I couldn't stop loving you if I tried. 426 00:19:36,332 --> 00:19:38,539 I'm sorry, that's all very nice. 427 00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:40,397 But I can't forget what you said. 428 00:19:40,418 --> 00:19:43,103 I know, Homie. I know you well enough to know 429 00:19:43,128 --> 00:19:45,335 you're not ready to forgive me yet. 430 00:19:45,348 --> 00:19:50,716 But I also know you well enough to know that this will work. 431 00:19:50,741 --> 00:19:52,662 Where'd you get that dress? 432 00:19:53,611 --> 00:19:57,093 Remember that sewing machine you say I never use? 433 00:19:57,119 --> 00:20:00,293 Well, I sold it and bought this dress. 434 00:20:00,313 --> 00:20:02,850 Wow... Wow, that looks just like 435 00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:05,454 the dress you wore on Project Runway. 436 00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:07,480 - Shush-shush-shush. - Oh, right. 437 00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:11,103 I mean, this looks like a dress from a local Springfield store. 438 00:20:11,128 --> 00:20:14,374 All is forgiven. Let's have dinner. 439 00:20:17,534 --> 00:20:18,228 (clears throat) 440 00:20:18,248 --> 00:20:21,315 Dad, I believe we were on a date? 441 00:20:21,328 --> 00:20:23,779 Oh, of course. You're right, honey. 442 00:20:23,798 --> 00:20:26,637 I'll just, um... I'll park it at the bar. 443 00:20:28,245 --> 00:20:30,692 Well, hello. 444 00:20:31,215 --> 00:20:34,024 And your lasagna with cow blood, sir. 445 00:20:34,051 --> 00:20:36,640 - Thanks, Frenchy. - I'm not French, 446 00:20:36,665 --> 00:20:38,150 I'm just pissy. 447 00:20:41,828 --> 00:20:44,709 Lucas. You're not competitive eating anymore? 448 00:20:44,722 --> 00:20:47,681 No. I realized that was unrealistic. 449 00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:49,011 Well, that's a relief. 450 00:20:49,031 --> 00:20:51,807 My new goal is to become whatever Adele is. 451 00:20:51,831 --> 00:20:54,351 Just call me Pound-Uca-Dollar. (chuckles) 452 00:20:54,374 --> 00:20:56,554 What if I just taught you how to whistle? 453 00:20:56,580 --> 00:20:59,113 You know how to whistle? Like with your mouth? 454 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:00,166 (whistles) 455 00:21:00,193 --> 00:21:01,923 (blows air) 456 00:21:01,936 --> 00:21:03,461 Hey, I'm doing it! 457 00:21:03,483 --> 00:21:06,616 (blowing air) 458 00:21:06,629 --> 00:21:08,149 I sound just like a bird! 459 00:21:08,169 --> 00:21:10,170 (whistling theme song) 460 00:21:10,195 --> 00:21:15,195 Captioning sponsored by 20TH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 461 00:21:49,168 --> 00:21:50,322 Shh!