1
00:00:03,769 --> 00:00:06,437
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
2
00:00:06,471 --> 00:00:10,374
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
3
00:00:10,409 --> 00:00:13,344
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
4
00:00:13,378 --> 00:00:17,782
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
5
00:00:19,651 --> 00:00:23,054
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
6
00:00:23,088 --> 00:00:25,056
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
7
00:00:25,090 --> 00:00:26,591
Aah!
8
00:00:26,711 --> 00:00:33,241
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
web dl sync snarry
9
00:00:33,832 --> 00:00:36,000
'Sup, comrades?
10
00:00:36,034 --> 00:00:37,268
Whoa, what's with the getup?
11
00:00:37,302 --> 00:00:39,303
You look like one of those
non-ethnic burglars
12
00:00:39,338 --> 00:00:40,638
in the home alarm commercials.
13
00:00:40,672 --> 00:00:42,874
Merely a cunning disguise, Steve.
14
00:00:42,908 --> 00:00:45,643
I'm going undercover
at the Occupy rally today.
15
00:00:45,677 --> 00:00:48,179
Didn't that Occupy movement blow over?
16
00:00:48,213 --> 00:00:49,780
But it didn't blow out.
17
00:00:49,815 --> 00:00:52,116
It's the anniversary rally
celebrating the day
18
00:00:52,150 --> 00:00:53,851
they didn't get kicked out of that park.
19
00:00:53,886 --> 00:00:56,721
CIA's gotten word that
these anti-Americans
20
00:00:56,755 --> 00:00:58,222
are using this rally as a cover
21
00:00:58,257 --> 00:01:00,024
to plan a major terrorist attack.
22
00:01:00,058 --> 00:01:02,193
Come on, Dad, they
aren't anti-American,
23
00:01:02,227 --> 00:01:03,561
they're anti-capitalist.
24
00:01:03,595 --> 00:01:06,230
And, you know, I think
they make a lot of good points
25
00:01:06,265 --> 00:01:08,185
about our culture's
veneration of the super rich.
26
00:01:09,107 --> 00:01:10,173
God, you're annoying.
27
00:01:10,208 --> 00:01:11,808
Everything you say is annoying.
28
00:01:11,843 --> 00:01:13,210
You want some coffee, Stan?
29
00:01:13,244 --> 00:01:15,746
I just got a new grind
from Delayna's Coffee.
30
00:01:15,780 --> 00:01:18,015
Mom, that company is the worst.
31
00:01:18,049 --> 00:01:19,683
The CEO lives in a castle
32
00:01:19,717 --> 00:01:22,886
and doesn't even pay his
employees a living wage.
33
00:01:22,921 --> 00:01:24,388
God, you're annoying.
34
00:01:24,422 --> 00:01:26,089
Everything you say is annoying.
35
00:01:26,124 --> 00:01:27,324
You know what?
I give up.
36
00:01:27,358 --> 00:01:29,426
How can you expect
to infiltrate a group of people
37
00:01:29,460 --> 00:01:31,662
when you won't even open
your mind to their beliefs?
38
00:01:31,696 --> 00:01:33,897
Hayley, I've seen Reality Bites, all right?
39
00:01:33,932 --> 00:01:36,400
I think I get the agenda
of this generation.
40
00:01:36,434 --> 00:01:39,536
Oh, and it shows from
your kick-ass disguise.
41
00:01:39,571 --> 00:01:40,971
Hey, you know the only thing you're missing
42
00:01:41,005 --> 00:01:42,839
are the mirrored shades.
43
00:01:42,874 --> 00:01:44,474
Mirrored shades?
Really?
44
00:01:44,509 --> 00:01:46,109
Oh, definitely.
45
00:01:46,144 --> 00:01:48,312
All the groovy protesters wear them.
46
00:01:48,346 --> 00:01:50,581
If I leave now, I can probably
hit that Sunglass Hut
47
00:01:50,615 --> 00:01:53,417
at the mall before it goes out of business.
48
00:01:53,451 --> 00:01:54,718
- Klaus!
- Jawohl?
49
00:01:54,752 --> 00:01:57,020
Get ready to flip me my
car keys with your tail,
50
00:01:57,055 --> 00:01:58,255
like you do every morning.
51
00:01:58,289 --> 00:02:00,157
I've been ready for three hours.
52
00:02:01,859 --> 00:02:03,360
Stan, you forgot your coffee.
53
00:02:04,429 --> 00:02:05,862
And your keys.
54
00:02:08,266 --> 00:02:10,634
Was that Stan coming back for his keys?
55
00:02:10,668 --> 00:02:13,604
Yes, but he let a coyote
in the house when he did.
56
00:02:16,874 --> 00:02:19,009
Open the back door so it has a way out.
57
00:02:22,447 --> 00:02:24,681
You do realize this
is about climate change.
58
00:02:32,657 --> 00:02:35,158
God, it's worse than I thought.
59
00:02:36,194 --> 00:02:38,695
Hey, man, you want to go with us?
60
00:02:38,730 --> 00:02:40,631
We're gonna go intimidate
that Verizon store
61
00:02:40,665 --> 00:02:42,026
into letting us use their bathroom.
62
00:02:42,033 --> 00:02:43,233
Right on.
63
00:02:43,268 --> 00:02:45,869
Wait, don't I recognize
you three from somewhere?
64
00:02:46,871 --> 00:02:47,938
I know.
65
00:02:47,972 --> 00:02:49,640
You used to be multicultural members
66
00:02:49,674 --> 00:02:51,008
of the Burger King Kids' Club.
67
00:02:51,042 --> 00:02:54,144
A girl, a black kid and a paraplegic.
68
00:02:54,178 --> 00:02:56,079
All friends, somehow.
69
00:02:56,114 --> 00:02:57,314
Yeah, that's us.
70
00:02:57,348 --> 00:02:59,783
But we took off when
they changed their fries.
71
00:02:59,817 --> 00:03:01,218
Well, let's do it, man.
72
00:03:01,252 --> 00:03:02,185
I'm one of you.
73
00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:03,687
Just looking to agitate.
74
00:03:05,657 --> 00:03:07,190
Okay, you're in.
75
00:03:07,225 --> 00:03:11,028
But first, douse your bandana
in this tear gas neutralizer.
76
00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:16,867
Smells a little like ether.
77
00:03:22,373 --> 00:03:24,474
Where...
where am I?
78
00:03:24,509 --> 00:03:25,676
A foxhole...
79
00:03:25,710 --> 00:03:27,044
on the front line
80
00:03:27,078 --> 00:03:29,079
in the war for class equality.
81
00:03:29,113 --> 00:03:30,314
Why are you doing this?
82
00:03:30,348 --> 00:03:31,748
I thought we were coolio.
83
00:03:31,783 --> 00:03:33,951
Yeah, we know you work for the CIA.
84
00:03:33,985 --> 00:03:36,853
Only a narc would wear
those mirrored shades.
85
00:03:36,888 --> 00:03:39,156
But my daughter told me they
would make me look really cool
86
00:03:39,190 --> 00:03:41,358
and oh, I get it,
she set me up, I'm stupid.
87
00:03:41,392 --> 00:03:43,060
Oh, we can fix that.
88
00:03:43,094 --> 00:03:44,962
Let the reeducation begin.
89
00:03:44,996 --> 00:03:47,598
Kristophe, hit the energy efficient lights.
90
00:03:52,770 --> 00:03:56,240
Aah! The tint of the glow
is slightly off.
91
00:04:00,245 --> 00:04:01,778
Wake up, G-man.
92
00:04:01,813 --> 00:04:03,380
It's time to hear the truth.
93
00:04:03,414 --> 00:04:05,782
And the most efficient way
to convey that truth?
94
00:04:05,817 --> 00:04:07,150
Poetry slam.
95
00:04:09,454 --> 00:04:10,420
Death!
96
00:04:10,455 --> 00:04:11,755
On 9/11.
97
00:04:11,789 --> 00:04:14,758
Unhealthy food in 7-Eleven.
98
00:04:14,792 --> 00:04:15,826
Instagram.
99
00:04:15,860 --> 00:04:17,094
No, thank you, ma'am.
100
00:04:17,128 --> 00:04:20,597
Television news is society's bruise.
101
00:04:20,632 --> 00:04:22,466
Makes me want to drink booze.
102
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:24,735
Because "pobody's nerfect."
103
00:04:29,340 --> 00:04:31,241
Hello. I'm Ira Glass.
104
00:04:32,176 --> 00:04:33,343
Today, on This American Life,
105
00:04:33,378 --> 00:04:35,979
we have a story about a dog.
106
00:04:36,014 --> 00:04:38,849
And like most dogs...
107
00:04:38,883 --> 00:04:40,817
this dog has an owner.
108
00:04:40,852 --> 00:04:42,019
But here's the thing:
109
00:04:42,053 --> 00:04:43,053
This dog's owner...
110
00:04:44,455 --> 00:04:46,356
also happens to be...
111
00:04:46,391 --> 00:04:47,558
a dog.
112
00:04:47,592 --> 00:04:49,593
Why is he pausing?
113
00:04:49,627 --> 00:04:52,529
Doesn't he know what he wants to say next?
114
00:04:52,564 --> 00:04:55,098
Doesn't he have it written down
right in front of him?
115
00:05:01,673 --> 00:05:03,674
We've just received a disturbing report
116
00:05:03,708 --> 00:05:05,475
that a local man has been kidnapped
117
00:05:05,510 --> 00:05:07,644
by radical Occupy protesters,
118
00:05:07,679 --> 00:05:09,580
and subjected to Heaven knows what.
119
00:05:09,614 --> 00:05:11,014
Journalistic ethics prevent us
120
00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:12,482
from releasing the man's name.
121
00:05:12,517 --> 00:05:14,818
But, between you and me, it's Stan Smith.
122
00:05:14,853 --> 00:05:16,153
Stan?!
Daddy?!
123
00:05:16,187 --> 00:05:18,121
Dad...?
Hangnail.
124
00:05:18,156 --> 00:05:21,758
"We are a radical arm
of the Occupy movement.
125
00:05:21,793 --> 00:05:23,660
"We have several demands.
126
00:05:23,695 --> 00:05:26,964
"The rich should give
their money to the poor.
127
00:05:26,998 --> 00:05:30,901
"Then the new rich should give
their money to the new poor.
128
00:05:30,935 --> 00:05:33,904
"And then they should go
round and round like the...
129
00:05:33,938 --> 00:05:35,439
the Sneeches?"
130
00:05:35,473 --> 00:05:36,773
Is that what that is?
131
00:05:36,808 --> 00:05:39,643
"Also, there should be
a one-year waiting period
132
00:05:39,677 --> 00:05:41,278
"to get a gun.
133
00:05:41,312 --> 00:05:45,115
And at the end of that year,
you don't get a gun."
134
00:05:45,149 --> 00:05:47,384
Witnesses report that the victim stood out
135
00:05:47,418 --> 00:05:49,686
because he was wearing
mirrored narc shades.
136
00:05:49,721 --> 00:05:51,088
Oh, my God.
137
00:05:51,122 --> 00:05:53,423
I told Dad to wear those sunglasses.
138
00:05:53,458 --> 00:05:54,858
This is all my fault.
139
00:05:54,893 --> 00:05:56,193
Well, then you better just hope
140
00:05:56,227 --> 00:05:58,629
he doesn't get out of there alive.
141
00:06:00,398 --> 00:06:01,698
Roger, what are you doing?
142
00:06:01,733 --> 00:06:03,233
Well, with your dad missing,
143
00:06:03,268 --> 00:06:05,369
it's only a matter of time
before hundreds of people
144
00:06:05,403 --> 00:06:07,137
show up for a candlelight vigil.
145
00:06:07,172 --> 00:06:08,839
20 bucks a candle?
146
00:06:08,873 --> 00:06:10,340
Tha-that seems
a little steep.
147
00:06:10,375 --> 00:06:12,042
Friends and family get ten for a hundred,
148
00:06:12,076 --> 00:06:14,344
but we're not related and I
don't really care for you,
149
00:06:14,379 --> 00:06:15,345
so it's 20 bucks.
150
00:06:15,380 --> 00:06:17,848
Oh, my God, Mom, I'm so worried.
151
00:06:17,882 --> 00:06:20,184
What if... What if Dad
doesn't come back?
152
00:06:20,218 --> 00:06:21,985
Then you'll have killed your father.
153
00:06:22,020 --> 00:06:24,188
Do I really need to explain this to you?
154
00:06:25,857 --> 00:06:27,057
Stan?
155
00:06:27,091 --> 00:06:29,159
Oh, Dad, thank God you're okay.
156
00:06:29,194 --> 00:06:30,460
We heard you were kidnapped.
157
00:06:30,495 --> 00:06:31,662
First, I'm not a kid.
158
00:06:31,696 --> 00:06:33,530
So the term is
"man-napped."
159
00:06:33,565 --> 00:06:36,834
And second, I escaped my kidnappers.
160
00:06:36,868 --> 00:06:39,002
Oh, God, that's 2,000 more candles.
161
00:06:39,037 --> 00:06:40,537
Nobody sign for that.
Just ignore him.
162
00:06:40,572 --> 00:06:42,072
He'll go away.
163
00:06:45,610 --> 00:06:46,743
Hey, Dad.
164
00:06:46,778 --> 00:06:47,911
What are you doing?
165
00:06:47,946 --> 00:06:50,814
Oh, just listening
to my boy-eeee Glenn Beck.
166
00:06:50,849 --> 00:06:52,416
Did you know America's dead?
167
00:06:52,450 --> 00:06:55,252
Pulled into the world garage,
left the engine running,
168
00:06:55,286 --> 00:06:57,120
flipped on some Roy Orbison and just...
169
00:06:57,155 --> 00:06:58,589
let go.
170
00:06:58,623 --> 00:07:01,725
Dad, I just came in to say...
171
00:07:01,759 --> 00:07:04,094
Well, I-I'm just really
happy that you're home.
172
00:07:04,128 --> 00:07:05,462
Good night.
173
00:07:15,573 --> 00:07:16,540
Hello.
174
00:07:16,574 --> 00:07:18,342
I'm Ira Glass.
175
00:07:18,376 --> 00:07:20,878
With a $35 pledge...
176
00:07:20,912 --> 00:07:22,813
you can get the feeling...
177
00:07:22,847 --> 00:07:24,681
of paying for radio.
178
00:07:25,717 --> 00:07:27,718
It's an indescribable...
179
00:07:27,752 --> 00:07:28,852
sensation.
180
00:07:28,887 --> 00:07:31,188
Yeah.
181
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:39,259
Okay, I figured it out.
182
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,294
We took a big hit on all those candles.
183
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,295
"We?"
184
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:43,863
Yeah, it's a family problem.
185
00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:46,065
Every problem in this house
is a family problem.
186
00:07:46,100 --> 00:07:47,267
Except your problems.
187
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,235
Anyway, you each owe me $400.
188
00:07:49,270 --> 00:07:50,370
Mom, can you spot me?
189
00:07:50,404 --> 00:07:51,638
Steve, you're not paying him.
190
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,373
None of us are paying you, Roger.
191
00:07:53,407 --> 00:07:55,408
But I've got 3,500 candles up there.
192
00:07:55,443 --> 00:07:57,277
How the hell am I supposed to unload them?
193
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,712
Make wax statues of Viggo Mortensen?
194
00:07:59,747 --> 00:08:01,214
Ooh, first thought, best thought.
195
00:08:02,216 --> 00:08:03,316
Hey, everybody.
196
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:06,019
I'm off to my study to swaddle
myself in the American flag
197
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:07,420
and pretend I'm Baby Jesus.
198
00:08:07,455 --> 00:08:10,390
But, before I go, I wanted
to hand out your allowances.
199
00:08:10,424 --> 00:08:11,558
We get allowances?
200
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:14,661
I know I do all the work, but
we're not just a family.
201
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:17,464
We're a collective.
202
00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:20,700
Oh, my God, don't you guys
realize what just happened?
203
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,035
Your dad cut one and left?
204
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:24,971
Yes, but he's also
redistributing his wealth.
205
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,574
The dad I know would
consider that un-American.
206
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,075
Haley, I-I'd think
you'd be happy
207
00:08:29,110 --> 00:08:31,344
that Dad is starting to
think a little like you.
208
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:34,147
I would if it was real, but it's so weird.
209
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,716
He's still talking
like he did in that video.
210
00:08:36,751 --> 00:08:37,917
I wonder...
211
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,619
Why I'm listening to you
instead of hustling
212
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:42,455
down to the fireworks stand
with my unforeseen windfall?
213
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:45,024
What happened?
214
00:08:45,059 --> 00:08:47,861
Oh, my God, someone put
an axe in the fuse box.
215
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:49,696
Candles, $10.
216
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,907
♪ Love, American Style ♪
217
00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:37,544
♪ Truer than the red,
white and blue, ooh, ooh ♪
218
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:41,381
♪ Love, American style ♪
219
00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:45,652
♪ That's me and you. ♪
220
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:48,221
Haley, care to join
our patriotic sing-along?
221
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,122
I'm sorry, Dad.
222
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:50,557
But you're not fooling anyone.
223
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:51,791
You've been brainwashed.
224
00:09:51,826 --> 00:09:52,926
And I have proof.
225
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,360
What are you talking about?
226
00:09:54,395 --> 00:09:55,762
I followed Dad today.
227
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:58,431
Here's a picture of him
giving all of his clothes
228
00:09:58,466 --> 00:09:59,699
to a homeless man.
229
00:09:59,734 --> 00:10:01,234
It looks like he's being robbed.
230
00:10:03,571 --> 00:10:05,438
What?!
It's true.
231
00:10:05,473 --> 00:10:07,140
I was robbed by a homeless.
232
00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:08,141
Haley!
233
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:09,509
Your father was getting mugged
234
00:10:09,543 --> 00:10:11,678
and you just sat there, snapping photos?
235
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,013
Hilarious.
236
00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:15,382
I-I swear,
he didn't have a gun.
237
00:10:15,416 --> 00:10:18,518
Dad, you may be able to use your CIA tech
238
00:10:18,552 --> 00:10:20,854
to hack my phone and doctor a photo,
239
00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:23,556
but you can't doctor real life.
240
00:10:25,593 --> 00:10:27,761
But... that was
a peace sign.
241
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,362
Oh, I see why you're confused.
242
00:10:29,397 --> 00:10:32,032
Reagan's just at peace shredding waves.
243
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:32,932
I'm not crazy.
244
00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:35,135
I know what I saw.
245
00:10:35,169 --> 00:10:36,936
Oh, I've got some bad news, guys.
246
00:10:36,971 --> 00:10:38,304
I have to sell the piano.
247
00:10:38,339 --> 00:10:40,473
Aw.
248
00:10:46,614 --> 00:10:49,115
Sorry, I'll be out of
your hair in a minute.
249
00:10:49,150 --> 00:10:50,784
Just looking for a flashlight.
250
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,452
Oh, here it is.
251
00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:55,755
Shadow puppet practice, commence!
252
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,493
It's all in the pinky.
253
00:11:00,528 --> 00:11:02,862
What's wrong, little buddy?
254
00:11:02,897 --> 00:11:05,198
I'm ruined!
All these candles!
255
00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:07,200
You can't find anyone to buy them?
256
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,868
I offered them to Yankee Candles,
257
00:11:08,903 --> 00:11:10,670
but they said they had enough candles.
258
00:11:10,705 --> 00:11:12,405
I don't understand business!
259
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:13,807
Don't give up, Roger.
260
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,942
You just got to look on the...
261
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:17,944
bright side.
262
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,981
Oh, it feels good to laugh.
263
00:11:22,016 --> 00:11:24,784
Thanks for reminding me how.
264
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,322
It's like I'm looking at you
265
00:11:29,357 --> 00:11:31,324
through the eyes of Vilmos Zsigmond,
266
00:11:31,359 --> 00:11:33,526
cinematographer of Close Encounters.
267
00:11:33,561 --> 00:11:35,128
I know Vilmos.
268
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:38,365
I was his favorite extra.
269
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:43,269
God, there's so much
I don't know about you.
270
00:11:43,304 --> 00:11:45,472
I should probably go.
271
00:11:45,506 --> 00:11:46,740
Why?
272
00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:49,242
Two friends lit by candlelight.
273
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,244
What could go wrong?
274
00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:53,113
The question is...
275
00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:56,383
what could go right?
276
00:11:56,417 --> 00:11:59,853
How 'bout I light a few more?
277
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:18,004
All right, Stan Smith, let's
see what you're hiding.
278
00:12:29,050 --> 00:12:31,017
Sorry, Hayley.
279
00:12:31,052 --> 00:12:34,788
Sorry you picked a fish
for your stupid plan.
280
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:36,790
No, Dad!
281
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:39,125
I can't let you do this.
What do you mean?
282
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:41,928
I saw your computer screen.
I know you were searching
283
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:44,531
for "Secret Back Roads
to National Monuments."
284
00:12:44,565 --> 00:12:47,033
Oh, Hayley, Hayley, Hayley.
285
00:12:47,068 --> 00:12:49,569
I've been planning a road trip
for the family
286
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,938
to see all of our country's
greatest monuments.
287
00:12:51,973 --> 00:12:54,207
And of course we'll take
the secret back roads.
288
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,476
You always want to enter a park
from behind.
289
00:12:56,510 --> 00:12:59,212
Not many parks will let you,
but if you find one that will,
290
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:01,081
they'll pretty much let you do anything.
291
00:13:01,115 --> 00:13:02,515
Dad, one of the Web sites was
292
00:13:02,550 --> 00:13:04,351
"How to Blow Up
National Monuments."
293
00:13:04,385 --> 00:13:06,619
Hayley, Hayley, Hayley.
294
00:13:06,654 --> 00:13:08,555
"Blow Up." It's street jive.
295
00:13:08,589 --> 00:13:10,890
It means to make something popular.
296
00:13:10,925 --> 00:13:13,293
Attendance at the national
monuments is dwindling,
297
00:13:13,327 --> 00:13:15,495
baby girl, and Daddy's worried.
298
00:13:15,529 --> 00:13:16,830
Okay...
299
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,965
I-I guess
that makes sense.
300
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,368
Um, just one more question.
301
00:13:21,402 --> 00:13:24,971
Why is there a crate
of missiles tied to your car?
302
00:13:25,006 --> 00:13:28,375
Hayley, Hayley, Hayley.
303
00:13:30,478 --> 00:13:32,912
You just couldn't let it rest, could you?
304
00:13:37,685 --> 00:13:39,986
Damn, Hayley, how much do you weigh?
305
00:13:42,423 --> 00:13:44,591
Daddy?
306
00:13:44,625 --> 00:13:45,725
What's going on?
307
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:46,860
You were right, Hayley.
308
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:49,195
I'm a warrior now for the liberal left,
309
00:13:49,230 --> 00:13:51,364
and we're about to move forward
with an attack
310
00:13:51,399 --> 00:13:53,233
that the world's right-wing
puppet masters
311
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:54,934
will never forget.
312
00:13:56,804 --> 00:13:58,244
Oh, by the way, these are my friends
313
00:13:58,272 --> 00:14:00,206
who kidnapped and brainwashed me.
314
00:14:00,241 --> 00:14:01,741
This one's a wheelchair guy,
315
00:14:01,776 --> 00:14:03,743
but he can still talk and everything.
316
00:14:11,128 --> 00:14:12,762
Dad, what are you gonna do?
317
00:14:12,796 --> 00:14:13,963
Are you...
318
00:14:13,998 --> 00:14:15,765
are you gonna blow up Mount Rushmore?
319
00:14:15,799 --> 00:14:17,100
Oh, no. Way cooler.
320
00:14:17,134 --> 00:14:19,135
Artemis, show her.
321
00:14:21,369 --> 00:14:23,449
By precisely targeting
a barrage of missiles
322
00:14:23,474 --> 00:14:25,441
your dad acquired for us, we'll reshape
323
00:14:25,476 --> 00:14:27,510
the contemptible fascists of Mount Rushmore
324
00:14:27,545 --> 00:14:29,412
into history's greatest leftists.
325
00:14:29,446 --> 00:14:32,949
Sean Penn, Michael Moore
and Captain Planet.
326
00:14:32,983 --> 00:14:34,617
Why didn't you change Jefferson?
327
00:14:34,652 --> 00:14:36,252
Well, he freed the slaves, so...
328
00:14:36,287 --> 00:14:37,787
he stays.
329
00:14:38,823 --> 00:14:41,191
I can't believe this.
330
00:14:41,225 --> 00:14:42,492
We're going through with this, Hayley.
331
00:14:42,526 --> 00:14:44,360
No use trying to talk me out of it.
332
00:14:44,395 --> 00:14:45,628
I'm not going to.
333
00:14:45,663 --> 00:14:47,030
I think it's awesome.
334
00:14:47,064 --> 00:14:49,699
Really?
Dad, this is exactly what I've been trying
335
00:14:49,733 --> 00:14:51,801
to get you to embrace all these years.
336
00:14:51,836 --> 00:14:54,137
Now we can work together
to bring down the...
337
00:14:54,171 --> 00:14:57,340
Plutocratic, patriarchal,
military industrial complex!
338
00:14:58,976 --> 00:15:01,611
I can't wait to help
you guys pull this off,
339
00:15:01,645 --> 00:15:03,780
but, um, can I go
to the bathroom real quick?
340
00:15:03,814 --> 00:15:05,882
I'm going to enjoy a movement of my own.
341
00:15:05,916 --> 00:15:08,017
Clever!
342
00:15:14,692 --> 00:15:16,459
- Hello?
- Avery, it's Hayley.
343
00:15:16,494 --> 00:15:18,595
I have to talk to you.
I was kidnapped.
344
00:15:18,629 --> 00:15:21,865
Stop right there.
Let me switch to a secure line.
345
00:15:21,899 --> 00:15:23,266
All right.
346
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:26,870
When you were kidnapped,
what were you wearing?
347
00:15:26,904 --> 00:15:29,606
Do you currently
have access to your nipples?
348
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:33,610
What? N-No, Avery, I-I was
kidnapped by terrorists.
349
00:15:33,644 --> 00:15:36,746
Oh, my God, you're so bad
at sexy phone calls.
350
00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:38,248
Damn it!
351
00:15:38,282 --> 00:15:40,049
Come on, come on, come on.
352
00:15:40,084 --> 00:15:44,120
I don't know where your
back ends and my hands begin.
353
00:15:44,155 --> 00:15:47,123
Oh! The outside world.
354
00:15:47,158 --> 00:15:49,659
- Hello?
- Roger, it's Hayley.
355
00:15:49,693 --> 00:15:51,694
Look, I've been kidnapped by my dad.
356
00:15:51,729 --> 00:15:53,129
He's working with terrorists...
357
00:15:53,164 --> 00:15:55,064
Hayley, my hands are dripping
with coconut oil.
358
00:15:55,099 --> 00:15:56,232
I can't talk.
359
00:15:58,068 --> 00:16:00,303
Now, where were we?
360
00:16:00,337 --> 00:16:03,106
Oh... yeah, here.
361
00:16:05,142 --> 00:16:07,544
Steve? Roger?
362
00:16:07,578 --> 00:16:09,579
Are you up there?
363
00:16:10,915 --> 00:16:13,049
What? Wh-What have
we been doing?!
364
00:16:13,083 --> 00:16:15,385
I-It must have been
the candles, right?
365
00:16:15,419 --> 00:16:17,554
Get out.
366
00:16:18,923 --> 00:16:21,224
911, what is your emergency?
367
00:16:21,258 --> 00:16:23,626
Betraitor!
368
00:16:25,930 --> 00:16:27,397
All right, Stan.
369
00:16:27,431 --> 00:16:30,066
Finish setting up the launcher
while we go get high for this.
370
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:33,636
I want to be as high
as I was during Life of Pi.
371
00:16:37,575 --> 00:16:40,076
Dad, don't do this.
This isn't you.
372
00:16:40,110 --> 00:16:41,744
Hayley, you should be happy.
373
00:16:41,779 --> 00:16:43,880
I'm a leftist radical, just like you are.
374
00:16:43,914 --> 00:16:45,949
But that's not who you are.
375
00:16:45,983 --> 00:16:48,284
You've always hated my liberal ideas.
376
00:16:48,319 --> 00:16:50,954
Remember how mad you got when I
filled your gas tank with sugar
377
00:16:50,988 --> 00:16:53,223
to encourage you to ride my bike to work?
378
00:16:55,593 --> 00:16:59,562
The chain kept coming off and I
had to ask a weird man for help.
379
00:17:00,598 --> 00:17:03,066
Yeah. Yeah!
380
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:05,468
It made you really mad, didn't it?
381
00:17:05,503 --> 00:17:09,405
But, but I did reduce my carbon
footprint for two days, so...
382
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:10,473
well done.
383
00:17:10,508 --> 00:17:12,809
Okay, but remember how upset you got
384
00:17:12,843 --> 00:17:15,245
when my fourth grade teacher
asked what you did on Career Day
385
00:17:15,279 --> 00:17:18,414
and I said you introduced crack
and AIDS to the ghetto?
386
00:17:18,449 --> 00:17:21,417
I've told you time and again
that AIDS was the FBI.
387
00:17:21,452 --> 00:17:23,820
But, but it's good to be sensitive
388
00:17:23,854 --> 00:17:26,923
to the socioeconomically
disadvantaged and their pain.
389
00:17:26,957 --> 00:17:28,925
Yeah? Well, what about your pain
390
00:17:28,959 --> 00:17:31,394
when me and my friends protested
on our front lawn
391
00:17:31,428 --> 00:17:32,862
for four months?
392
00:17:35,399 --> 00:17:37,233
I'd just had that lawn seeded.
393
00:17:37,268 --> 00:17:39,102
All those hippies urinating...
394
00:17:39,136 --> 00:17:42,105
But, but I guess
you did raise awareness for...
395
00:17:42,139 --> 00:17:44,140
for...
396
00:17:45,543 --> 00:17:46,776
...for nothing!
397
00:17:46,811 --> 00:17:48,645
It wasn't even clear
what you were protesting!
398
00:17:48,679 --> 00:17:50,847
Were you against soap?
Getting jobs?
399
00:17:50,881 --> 00:17:52,515
Having sex in private?!
400
00:17:52,550 --> 00:17:54,651
All right, Stan, we're ready.
401
00:17:54,685 --> 00:17:55,985
Launch the missiles.
402
00:17:56,020 --> 00:17:58,655
Launch? I-I...
403
00:17:58,689 --> 00:18:00,723
I can't.
404
00:18:00,758 --> 00:18:02,659
Why not? Are you all right?
405
00:18:02,693 --> 00:18:03,660
Yes.
406
00:18:03,694 --> 00:18:05,528
You had me all left.
407
00:18:05,563 --> 00:18:07,964
But now I'm all right.
408
00:18:07,998 --> 00:18:10,767
I don't understand.
What's he... Oh, I get it.
409
00:18:10,801 --> 00:18:13,503
He's using "right" in the political sense.
410
00:18:13,537 --> 00:18:15,839
His brainwashing's been compromised!
411
00:18:15,873 --> 00:18:17,540
Seize him!
412
00:18:32,056 --> 00:18:34,357
Dude! You wouldn't hurt a guy
in a wheelchair.
413
00:18:34,391 --> 00:18:35,558
Of course not.
414
00:18:35,593 --> 00:18:38,328
But I would hurt a guy with his wheelchair.
415
00:18:43,467 --> 00:18:45,368
Dad? Are you really back?
416
00:18:45,403 --> 00:18:46,836
Yes, Hayley, I am.
417
00:18:46,871 --> 00:18:48,838
It seems the only force strong enough
418
00:18:48,873 --> 00:18:50,173
to break their brainwashing
419
00:18:50,207 --> 00:18:53,176
was a lifetime of
disappointment in my daughter.
420
00:18:53,210 --> 00:18:54,677
It is you!
421
00:18:54,712 --> 00:18:56,546
Dad!
422
00:19:01,285 --> 00:19:03,620
Oh, no!
What have I done?
423
00:19:20,604 --> 00:19:22,906
What... what the hell
just happened?
424
00:19:25,176 --> 00:19:26,676
Well done, Smith.
425
00:19:26,710 --> 00:19:28,411
Or should I say, Smiths.
426
00:19:28,446 --> 00:19:29,779
Deputy Director Bullock?
427
00:19:29,814 --> 00:19:31,214
Let me explain.
428
00:19:31,248 --> 00:19:33,049
We needed to test Mount Rushmore's
429
00:19:33,084 --> 00:19:35,118
new anti-missile
laser defense,
430
00:19:35,152 --> 00:19:37,754
so we figured the easiest way to do that
431
00:19:37,788 --> 00:19:40,657
would be to brainwash our most loyal agent
432
00:19:40,691 --> 00:19:42,492
into firing missiles at it.
433
00:19:42,526 --> 00:19:43,927
Really?
That was the easiest way?
434
00:19:43,961 --> 00:19:45,261
No.
435
00:19:45,296 --> 00:19:48,732
But South Dakota had a lot
of Homeland Security funds
436
00:19:48,766 --> 00:19:50,667
just sitting around, so we figured
437
00:19:50,701 --> 00:19:52,635
we should do something cool with it.
438
00:19:52,670 --> 00:19:54,404
Are you insane?!
439
00:19:54,438 --> 00:19:57,240
Millions of kids go to bed
hungry every night,
440
00:19:57,274 --> 00:20:00,643
but you waste money making
Abe Lincoln into a Transformer?
441
00:20:00,678 --> 00:20:02,112
God, you're annoying.
442
00:20:02,146 --> 00:20:03,680
Everything you say is annoying.
443
00:20:03,714 --> 00:20:05,014
This guy gets it.
444
00:20:05,049 --> 00:20:07,884
Smith, let me introduce you
to the CIA agents
445
00:20:07,918 --> 00:20:10,787
who pretended to be
anticapitalist activists
446
00:20:10,821 --> 00:20:13,089
so they could kidnap and brainwash you.
447
00:20:14,592 --> 00:20:15,792
Duper?!
448
00:20:15,826 --> 00:20:17,193
Jackson?!
449
00:20:17,228 --> 00:20:19,696
Oh, my God, those disguises are amazing!
450
00:20:19,730 --> 00:20:23,299
That's because they're made
with real skin from the Orient.
451
00:20:23,334 --> 00:20:25,535
Wait a minute, then-then
who was playing Artemis?
452
00:20:25,569 --> 00:20:28,038
Oh, he was actually a dangerous activist.
453
00:20:28,072 --> 00:20:29,706
So good job beating him to death.
454
00:20:29,740 --> 00:20:32,542
He did have a child that may
come for vengeance someday,
455
00:20:32,576 --> 00:20:34,344
but he's also in a wheelchair,
456
00:20:34,378 --> 00:20:36,413
so walk halfway up a staircase
457
00:20:36,447 --> 00:20:38,548
or find a curb, you'll be fine.
458
00:20:42,253 --> 00:20:45,121
Well, Dad, it really
is good to have you back.
459
00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:47,057
It's good to be back, Hayley.
460
00:20:47,091 --> 00:20:49,125
Come on, let's go home.
461
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,960
Well, we've got a long drive ahead of us.
462
00:20:50,995 --> 00:20:52,429
What are we gonna talk about?
463
00:20:52,463 --> 00:20:53,596
Not much.
464
00:20:53,988 --> 00:20:58,805
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
web dl sync snarry