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(upbeat march plays)
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00:00:03,769 --> 00:00:06,437
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
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♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
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00:00:10,409 --> 00:00:13,344
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
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♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
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♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
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Aah!
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
web dl sync snarry
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00:00:33,832 --> 00:00:36,000
'Sup, comrades?
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Whoa, what's with the getup?
12
00:00:37,302 --> 00:00:39,303
You look like one of those
non-ethnic burglars
13
00:00:39,338 --> 00:00:40,638
in the home alarm commercials.
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Merely a cunning disguise, Steve.
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I'm going undercover
at the Occupy rally today.
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Didn't that Occupy movement blow over?
17
00:00:48,213 --> 00:00:49,780
But it didn't blow out.
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It's the anniversary rally
celebrating the day
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they didn't get kicked out of that park.
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CIA's gotten word that
these anti-Americans
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are using this rally as a cover
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to plan a major terrorist attack.
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Come on, Dad, they
aren't anti-American,
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they're anti-capitalist.
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And, you know, I think
they make a lot of good points
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about our culture's
veneration of the super rich.
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God, you're annoying.
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Everything you say is annoying.
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You want some coffee, Stan?
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I just got a new grind
from Delayna's Coffee.
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Mom, that company is the worst.
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The CEO lives in a castle
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and doesn't even pay his
employees a living wage.
34
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God, you're annoying.
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Everything you say is annoying.
36
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You know what?
I give up.
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How can you expect
to infiltrate a group of people
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when you won't even open
your mind to their beliefs?
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Hayley, I've seen Reality Bites, all right?
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I think I get the agenda
of this generation.
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00:01:36,434 --> 00:01:39,536
Oh, and it shows from
your kick-ass disguise.
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Hey, you know the only thing you're missing
43
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are the mirrored shades.
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Mirrored shades?
Really?
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Oh, definitely.
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All the groovy protesters wear them.
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If I leave now, I can probably
hit that Sunglass Hut
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at the mall before it goes out of business.
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Klaus!
KLAUS: Jawohl?
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Get ready to flip me my
car keys with your tail,
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like you do every morning.
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KLAUS: I've been ready
for three hours.
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Stan, you forgot your coffee.
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(door closes)
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KLAUS:
And your keys.
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(door opens, keys jingle)
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(door closes)
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Was that Stan coming back for his keys?
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00:02:10,668 --> 00:02:13,604
KLAUS: Yes, but he let a coyote
in the house when he did.
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(snarling)
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(whispering): Open the back
door so it has a way out.
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You do realize this
is about climate change.
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(growling stops)
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♪ ♪
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God, it's worse than I thought.
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Hey, man, you want to go with us?
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We're gonna go intimidate
that Verizon store
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into letting us use their bathroom.
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Right on.
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Wait, don't I recognize
you three from somewhere?
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(snaps fingers) I know.
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You used to be multicultural members
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of the Burger King Kids' Club.
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A girl, a black kid and a paraplegic.
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All friends, somehow.
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00:02:56,114 --> 00:02:57,314
Yeah, that's us.
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But we took off when
they changed their fries.
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Well, let's do it, man.
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I'm one of you.
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Just looking to agitate.
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Okay, you're in.
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But first, douse your bandana
in this tear gas neutralizer.
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00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:16,867
Huh. Smells a little like ether.
84
00:03:22,373 --> 00:03:24,474
Where...
where am I?
85
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A foxhole...
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on the front line
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in the war for class equality.
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Why are you doing this?
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I thought we were coolio.
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Yeah, we know you work for the CIA.
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Only a narc would wear
those mirrored shades.
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But my daughter told me they
would make me look really cool
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and oh, I get it,
she set me up, I'm stupid.
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Oh, we can fix that.
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Let the reeducation begin.
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Kristophe, hit the energy efficient lights.
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Aah! The tint of the glow
is slightly off.
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(screams)
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Wake up, G-man.
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It's time to hear the truth.
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And the most efficient way
to convey that truth?
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Poetry slam.
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Death!
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On 9/11.
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Unhealthy food in 7-Eleven.
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Instagram.
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No, thank you, ma'am.
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Television news is society's bruise.
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Makes me want to drink booze.
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Because "pobody's nerfect."
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(light applause)
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(over speaker):
Hello. I'm Ira Glass.
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(whimpering)
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Today, on This American Life,
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we have a story about a dog.
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And like most dogs...
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this dog has an owner.
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But here's the thing:
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This dog's owner...
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also happens to be...
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a dog.
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Why is he pausing?
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Doesn't he know what he wants to say next?
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Doesn't he have it written down
right in front of him?
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(screaming)
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ANCHORMAN: We've just received
a disturbing report
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that a local man has been kidnapped
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by radical Occupy protesters,
129
00:05:07,679 --> 00:05:09,580
and subjected to Heaven knows what.
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Journalistic ethics prevent us
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from releasing the man's name.
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But, between you and me, it's Stan Smith.
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Stan?!
Daddy?!
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Dad...?
Ow! Hangnail.
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"We are a radical arm
of the Occupy movement.
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"We have several demands.
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"The rich should give
their money to the poor.
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"Then the new rich should give
their money to the new poor.
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"And then they should go
round and round like the...
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the Sneeches?"
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Is that what that is?
142
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"Also, there should be
a one-year waiting period
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"to get a gun.
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And at the end of that year,
you don't get a gun."
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Witnesses report that the victim stood out
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because he was wearing
mirrored narc shades.
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Oh, my God.
148
00:05:51,122 --> 00:05:53,423
I told Dad to wear those sunglasses.
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This is all my fault.
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Well, then you better just hope
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he doesn't get out of there alive.
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Roger, what are you doing?
153
00:06:01,733 --> 00:06:03,233
Well, with your dad missing,
154
00:06:03,268 --> 00:06:05,369
it's only a matter of time
before hundreds of people
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show up for a candlelight vigil.
156
00:06:07,172 --> 00:06:08,839
20 bucks a candle?
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00:06:08,873 --> 00:06:10,340
Tha-that seems
a little steep.
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Friends and family get ten for a hundred,
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but we're not related and I
don't really care for you,
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so it's 20 bucks.
161
00:06:15,380 --> 00:06:17,848
Oh, my God, Mom, I'm so worried.
162
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What if... What if Dad
doesn't come back?
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Then you'll have killed your father.
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Do I really need to explain this to you?
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(gasps) Stan?
166
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(door closes)
Oh, Dad, thank God you're okay.
167
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We heard you were kidnapped.
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First, I'm not a kid.
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So the term is
"man-napped."
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And second, I escaped my kidnappers.
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ROGER: Oh, God, that's
2,000 more candles.
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Nobody sign for that.
Just ignore him.
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He'll go away.
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(radio playing) (knocking on door)
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(clicks radio off) Hey, Dad.
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00:06:46,778 --> 00:06:47,911
What are you doing?
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00:06:47,946 --> 00:06:50,814
Oh, just listening
to my boy-eeee Glenn Beck.
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Did you know America's dead?
179
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Pulled into the world garage,
left the engine running,
180
00:06:55,286 --> 00:06:57,120
flipped on some Roy Orbison and just...
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00:06:57,155 --> 00:06:58,589
let go.
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00:06:58,623 --> 00:07:01,725
Dad, I just came in to say...
183
00:07:01,759 --> 00:07:04,094
Well, I-I'm just really
happy that you're home.
184
00:07:04,128 --> 00:07:05,462
Good night.
185
00:07:14,506 --> 00:07:15,539
(clicks radio on)
186
00:07:15,573 --> 00:07:16,540
Hello.
187
00:07:16,574 --> 00:07:18,342
I'm Ira Glass.
188
00:07:18,376 --> 00:07:20,878
With a $35 pledge...
189
00:07:20,912 --> 00:07:22,813
you can get the feeling...
190
00:07:22,847 --> 00:07:24,681
of paying for radio.
191
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It's an indescribable...
192
00:07:27,752 --> 00:07:28,852
sensation.
193
00:07:28,887 --> 00:07:31,188
Ah, yeah.
194
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:39,259
Okay, I figured it out.
195
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,294
We took a big hit on all those candles.
196
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,295
"We?"
197
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:43,863
Yeah, it's a family problem.
198
00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:46,065
Every problem in this house
is a family problem.
199
00:07:46,100 --> 00:07:47,267
Except your problems.
200
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,235
Anyway, you each owe me $400.
201
00:07:49,270 --> 00:07:50,370
Mom, can you spot me?
202
00:07:50,404 --> 00:07:51,638
Steve, you're not paying him.
203
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,373
None of us are paying you, Roger.
204
00:07:53,407 --> 00:07:55,408
But I've got 3,500 candles up there.
205
00:07:55,443 --> 00:07:57,277
How the hell am I supposed to unload them?
206
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,712
Make wax statues of Viggo Mortensen?
207
00:07:59,747 --> 00:08:01,214
Ooh, first thought, best thought.
208
00:08:02,216 --> 00:08:03,316
Hey, everybody.
209
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:06,019
I'm off to my study to swaddle
myself in the American flag
210
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:07,420
and pretend I'm Baby Jesus.
211
00:08:07,455 --> 00:08:10,390
But, before I go, I wanted
to hand out your allowances.
212
00:08:10,424 --> 00:08:11,558
We get allowances?
213
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:14,661
I know I do all the work, but
we're not just a family.
214
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:17,464
We're a collective.
215
00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:20,700
Oh, my God, don't you guys
realize what just happened?
216
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,035
Your dad cut one and left?
217
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:24,971
Yes, but he's also
redistributing his wealth.
218
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,574
The dad I know would
consider that un-American.
219
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,075
Haley, I-I'd think
you'd be happy
220
00:08:29,110 --> 00:08:31,344
that Dad is starting to
think a little like you.
221
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:34,147
I would if it was real, but it's so weird.
222
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,716
He's still talking
like he did in that video.
223
00:08:36,751 --> 00:08:37,917
I wonder...
224
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,619
Why I'm listening to you
instead of hustling
225
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:42,455
down to the fireworks stand
with my unforeseen windfall?
226
00:08:42,490 --> 00:08:43,757
(crash, crackling)
227
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:45,024
What happened?
228
00:08:45,059 --> 00:08:47,861
Oh, my God, someone put
an axe in the fuse box.
229
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:49,696
Candles, $10.
230
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,197
♪ ♪
231
00:08:56,437 --> 00:08:58,471
(scanner beeping)
232
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:04,911
(camera clicks)
233
00:09:12,420 --> 00:09:13,486
(camera clicks)
234
00:09:29,537 --> 00:09:31,204
(camera clicks)
235
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,907
ALL:
♪ Love, American Style ♪
236
00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:37,544
♪ Truer than the red,
white and blue, ooh, ooh ♪
237
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:41,381
♪ Love, American style ♪
238
00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:45,652
♪ That's me and you. ♪
239
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:48,221
Haley, care to join
our patriotic sing-along?
240
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,122
I'm sorry, Dad.
241
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:50,557
But you're not fooling anyone.
242
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:51,791
You've been brainwashed.
243
00:09:51,826 --> 00:09:52,926
And I have proof.
244
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,360
What are you talking about?
245
00:09:54,395 --> 00:09:55,762
I followed Dad today.
246
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:58,431
Here's a picture of him
giving all of his clothes
247
00:09:58,466 --> 00:09:59,699
to a homeless man.
248
00:09:59,734 --> 00:10:01,234
It looks like he's being robbed.
249
00:10:03,571 --> 00:10:05,438
What?!
It's true.
250
00:10:05,473 --> 00:10:07,140
I was robbed by a homeless.
251
00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:08,141
Haley!
252
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:09,509
Your father was getting mugged
253
00:10:09,543 --> 00:10:11,678
and you just sat there, snapping photos?
254
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,013
Hilarious.
255
00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:15,382
I-I swear,
he didn't have a gun.
256
00:10:15,416 --> 00:10:18,518
Dad, you may be able to use your CIA tech
257
00:10:18,552 --> 00:10:20,854
to hack my phone and doctor a photo,
258
00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:23,556
but you can't doctor real life.
259
00:10:23,591 --> 00:10:25,558
(eagle screeches)
260
00:10:25,593 --> 00:10:27,761
But... that was
a peace sign.
261
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,362
Oh, I see why you're confused.
262
00:10:29,397 --> 00:10:32,032
Reagan's just at peace shredding waves.
263
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:32,932
I'm not crazy.
264
00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:35,135
I know what I saw.
265
00:10:35,169 --> 00:10:36,936
Oh, I've got some bad news, guys.
266
00:10:36,971 --> 00:10:38,304
I have to sell the piano.
267
00:10:38,339 --> 00:10:40,473
ALL:
Aw.
268
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,011
(moaning softly)
269
00:10:46,614 --> 00:10:49,115
Sorry, I'll be out of
your hair in a minute.
270
00:10:49,150 --> 00:10:50,784
Just looking for a flashlight.
271
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,452
Oh, here it is.
(chuckles)
272
00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:55,755
Shadow puppet practice, commence!
273
00:10:55,790 --> 00:10:59,092
(mimicking water splashing)
274
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,493
It's all in the pinky.
275
00:11:00,528 --> 00:11:02,862
(moaning) What's wrong, little buddy?
276
00:11:02,897 --> 00:11:05,198
I'm ruined!
All these candles!
277
00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:07,200
You can't find anyone to buy them?
278
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,868
I offered them to Yankee Candles,
279
00:11:08,903 --> 00:11:10,670
but they said they had enough candles.
280
00:11:10,705 --> 00:11:12,405
I don't understand business!
281
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:13,807
Don't give up, Roger.
282
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,942
You just got to look on the...
283
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:17,944
bright side.
284
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:19,446
(chuckles) (chuckles)
285
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,981
Oh, it feels good to laugh.
286
00:11:22,016 --> 00:11:24,784
Thanks for reminding me how.
287
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,322
It's like I'm looking at you
288
00:11:29,357 --> 00:11:31,324
through the eyes of Vilmos Zsigmond,
289
00:11:31,359 --> 00:11:33,526
cinematographer of Close Encounters.
290
00:11:33,561 --> 00:11:35,128
I know Vilmos.
291
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:38,365
I was his favorite extra.
292
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:43,269
God, there's so much
I don't know about you.
293
00:11:43,304 --> 00:11:45,472
I should probably go.
294
00:11:45,506 --> 00:11:46,740
Why?
295
00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:49,242
Two friends lit by candlelight.
296
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,244
What could go wrong?
297
00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:53,113
The question is...
298
00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:56,383
what could go right?
299
00:11:56,417 --> 00:11:59,853
How 'bout I light a few more?
300
00:12:03,391 --> 00:12:06,393
(whistling)
301
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:10,196
(door shuts)
302
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:18,004
All right, Stan Smith, let's
see what you're hiding.
303
00:12:29,050 --> 00:12:31,017
KLAUS:
Sorry, Hayley.
304
00:12:31,052 --> 00:12:34,788
Sorry you picked a fish
for your stupid plan.
305
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:36,790
No, Dad!
306
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:39,125
I can't let you do this.
What do you mean?
307
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:41,928
I saw your computer screen.
I know you were searching
308
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:44,531
for "Secret Back Roads
to National Monuments."
309
00:12:44,565 --> 00:12:47,033
(chuckling):
Oh, Hayley, Hayley, Hayley.
310
00:12:47,068 --> 00:12:49,569
I've been planning a road trip
for the family
311
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,938
to see all of our country's
greatest monuments.
312
00:12:51,973 --> 00:12:54,207
And of course we'll take
the secret back roads.
313
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,476
You always want to enter a park
from behind.
314
00:12:56,510 --> 00:12:59,212
Not many parks will let you,
but if you find one that will,
315
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:01,081
they'll pretty much let you do anything.
316
00:13:01,115 --> 00:13:02,515
Dad, one of the Web sites was
317
00:13:02,550 --> 00:13:04,351
"How to Blow Up
National Monuments."
318
00:13:04,385 --> 00:13:06,619
Hayley, Hayley, Hayley.
319
00:13:06,654 --> 00:13:08,555
"Blow Up." It's street jive.
320
00:13:08,589 --> 00:13:10,890
It means to make something popular.
321
00:13:10,925 --> 00:13:13,293
Attendance at the national
monuments is dwindling,
322
00:13:13,327 --> 00:13:15,495
baby girl, and Daddy's worried.
323
00:13:15,529 --> 00:13:16,830
Okay...
324
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,965
I-I guess
that makes sense.
325
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,368
Um, just one more question.
326
00:13:21,402 --> 00:13:24,971
Why is there a crate
of missiles tied to your car?
327
00:13:25,006 --> 00:13:28,375
Hayley, Hayley, Hayley.
328
00:13:28,409 --> 00:13:30,443
(screams)
329
00:13:30,478 --> 00:13:32,912
You just couldn't let it rest, could you?
330
00:13:32,947 --> 00:13:34,247
(groaning)
331
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,283
(groaning continues)
332
00:13:37,685 --> 00:13:39,986
Damn, Hayley, how much do you weigh?
333
00:13:42,423 --> 00:13:44,591
Daddy?
334
00:13:44,625 --> 00:13:45,725
What's going on?
335
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:46,860
You were right, Hayley.
336
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:49,195
I'm a warrior now for the liberal left,
337
00:13:49,230 --> 00:13:51,364
and we're about to move forward
with an attack
338
00:13:51,399 --> 00:13:53,233
that the world's right-wing
puppet masters
339
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:54,934
will never forget.
340
00:13:56,804 --> 00:13:58,244
Oh, by the way, these are my friends
341
00:13:58,272 --> 00:14:00,206
who kidnapped and brainwashed me.
342
00:14:00,241 --> 00:14:01,741
This one's a wheelchair guy,
343
00:14:01,776 --> 00:14:03,743
but he can still talk and everything.
344
00:14:07,024 --> 00:14:09,025
(owl hooting, insects trilling)
345
00:14:11,128 --> 00:14:12,762
Dad, what are you gonna do?
346
00:14:12,796 --> 00:14:13,963
Are you...
347
00:14:13,998 --> 00:14:15,765
are you gonna blow up Mount Rushmore?
348
00:14:15,799 --> 00:14:17,100
Oh, no. Way cooler.
349
00:14:17,134 --> 00:14:19,135
Artemis, show her.
350
00:14:21,369 --> 00:14:23,449
ARTEMIS: By precisely targeting
a barrage of missiles
351
00:14:23,474 --> 00:14:25,441
your dad acquired for us, we'll reshape
352
00:14:25,476 --> 00:14:27,510
the contemptible fascists of Mount Rushmore
353
00:14:27,545 --> 00:14:29,412
into history's greatest leftists.
354
00:14:29,446 --> 00:14:32,949
STAN: Sean Penn, Michael Moore
and Captain Planet.
355
00:14:32,983 --> 00:14:34,617
HAYLEY:
Why didn't you change Jefferson?
356
00:14:34,652 --> 00:14:36,252
STAN:
Well, he freed the slaves, so...
357
00:14:36,287 --> 00:14:37,787
he stays.
358
00:14:38,823 --> 00:14:41,191
I can't believe this.
359
00:14:41,225 --> 00:14:42,492
We're going through with this, Hayley.
360
00:14:42,526 --> 00:14:44,360
No use trying to talk me out of it.
361
00:14:44,395 --> 00:14:45,628
I'm not going to.
362
00:14:45,663 --> 00:14:47,030
I think it's awesome.
363
00:14:47,064 --> 00:14:49,699
Really?
Dad, this is exactly what I've been trying
364
00:14:49,733 --> 00:14:51,801
to get you to embrace all these years.
365
00:14:51,836 --> 00:14:54,137
Now we can work together
to bring down the...
366
00:14:54,171 --> 00:14:55,505
HAYLEY & STAN:
Plutocratic, patriarchal,
367
00:14:55,539 --> 00:14:57,340
military industrial complex!
368
00:14:57,374 --> 00:14:58,942
(squeals)
369
00:14:58,976 --> 00:15:01,611
I can't wait to help
you guys pull this off,
370
00:15:01,645 --> 00:15:03,780
but, um, can I go
to the bathroom real quick?
371
00:15:03,814 --> 00:15:05,882
I'm going to enjoy a movement of my own.
372
00:15:05,916 --> 00:15:08,017
Clever!
373
00:15:13,224 --> 00:15:14,657
(keypad beeps, line rings)
374
00:15:14,692 --> 00:15:16,459
Hello?
(quietly): Avery, it's Hayley.
375
00:15:16,494 --> 00:15:18,595
I have to talk to you.
I was kidnapped.
376
00:15:18,629 --> 00:15:21,865
Stop right there.
Let me switch to a secure line.
377
00:15:21,899 --> 00:15:23,266
All right.
378
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:26,870
When you were kidnapped,
what were you wearing?
379
00:15:26,904 --> 00:15:29,606
Do you currently
have access to your nipples?
380
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:33,610
What? N-No, Avery, I-I was
kidnapped by terrorists.
381
00:15:33,644 --> 00:15:36,746
Oh, my God, you're so bad
at sexy phone calls.
382
00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:38,248
Damn it!
383
00:15:38,282 --> 00:15:40,049
Come on, come on, come on.
384
00:15:40,084 --> 00:15:44,120
Mmm. I don't know where your
back ends and my hands begin.
385
00:15:44,155 --> 00:15:47,123
(phone rings)
Oh! The outside world.
386
00:15:47,158 --> 00:15:49,659
Hello?
(quietly): Roger, it's Hayley.
387
00:15:49,693 --> 00:15:51,694
Look, I've been kidnapped by my dad.
388
00:15:51,729 --> 00:15:53,129
He's working with terrorists...
389
00:15:53,164 --> 00:15:55,064
Hayley, my hands are dripping
with coconut oil.
390
00:15:55,099 --> 00:15:56,232
I can't talk.
391
00:15:58,068 --> 00:16:00,303
Now, where were we?
392
00:16:00,337 --> 00:16:03,106
Oh... yeah, here.
393
00:16:03,140 --> 00:16:05,108
(moaning)
394
00:16:05,142 --> 00:16:07,544
FRANCINE:
Steve? Roger?
395
00:16:07,578 --> 00:16:09,579
Are you up there?
396
00:16:10,915 --> 00:16:13,049
What? Wh-What have
we been doing?!
397
00:16:13,083 --> 00:16:15,385
I-It must have been
the candles, right?
398
00:16:15,419 --> 00:16:17,554
Get out.
399
00:16:17,588 --> 00:16:18,888
(keypad beeps, line rings)
400
00:16:18,923 --> 00:16:21,224
(gasps)
WOMAN: 911, what is your emergency?
401
00:16:21,258 --> 00:16:23,626
(gasps) Betraitor!
402
00:16:25,930 --> 00:16:27,397
All right, Stan.
403
00:16:27,431 --> 00:16:30,066
Finish setting up the launcher
while we go get high for this.
404
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:33,636
I want to be as high
as I was during Life of Pi.
405
00:16:37,575 --> 00:16:40,076
Dad, don't do this.
This isn't you.
406
00:16:40,110 --> 00:16:41,744
Hayley, you should be happy.
407
00:16:41,779 --> 00:16:43,880
I'm a leftist radical, just like you are.
408
00:16:43,914 --> 00:16:45,949
But that's not who you are.
409
00:16:45,983 --> 00:16:48,284
You've always hated my liberal ideas.
410
00:16:48,319 --> 00:16:50,954
Remember how mad you got when I
filled your gas tank with sugar
411
00:16:50,988 --> 00:16:53,223
to encourage you to ride my bike to work?
412
00:16:55,593 --> 00:16:59,562
The chain kept coming off and I
had to ask a weird man for help.
413
00:17:00,598 --> 00:17:03,066
Yeah. Yeah!
414
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:05,468
It made you really mad, didn't it?
415
00:17:05,503 --> 00:17:09,405
But, but I did reduce my carbon
footprint for two days, so...
416
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:10,473
well done.
417
00:17:10,508 --> 00:17:12,809
Okay, but remember how upset you got
418
00:17:12,843 --> 00:17:15,245
when my fourth grade teacher
asked what you did on Career Day
419
00:17:15,279 --> 00:17:18,414
and I said you introduced crack
and AIDS to the ghetto?
420
00:17:18,449 --> 00:17:21,417
I've told you time and again
that AIDS was the FBI.
421
00:17:21,452 --> 00:17:23,820
But, but it's good to be sensitive
422
00:17:23,854 --> 00:17:26,923
to the socioeconomically
disadvantaged and their pain.
423
00:17:26,957 --> 00:17:28,925
Yeah? Well, what about your pain
424
00:17:28,959 --> 00:17:31,394
when me and my friends protested
on our front lawn
425
00:17:31,428 --> 00:17:32,862
for four months?
426
00:17:35,399 --> 00:17:37,233
I'd just had that lawn seeded.
427
00:17:37,268 --> 00:17:39,102
All those hippies urinating...
428
00:17:39,136 --> 00:17:42,105
But, but I guess
you did raise awareness for...
429
00:17:42,139 --> 00:17:44,140
for...
430
00:17:45,543 --> 00:17:46,776
...for nothing!
431
00:17:46,811 --> 00:17:48,645
It wasn't even clear
what you were protesting!
432
00:17:48,679 --> 00:17:50,847
Were you against soap?
Getting jobs?
433
00:17:50,881 --> 00:17:52,515
Having sex in private?!
434
00:17:52,550 --> 00:17:54,651
All right, Stan, we're ready.
435
00:17:54,685 --> 00:17:55,985
Launch the missiles.
436
00:17:56,020 --> 00:17:58,655
Launch? I-I...
437
00:17:58,689 --> 00:18:00,723
I can't.
438
00:18:00,758 --> 00:18:02,659
Why not? Are you all right?
439
00:18:02,693 --> 00:18:03,660
Yes.
440
00:18:03,694 --> 00:18:05,528
You had me all left.
441
00:18:05,563 --> 00:18:07,964
But now I'm all right.
442
00:18:07,998 --> 00:18:10,767
I don't understand.
What's he... Oh, I get it.
443
00:18:10,801 --> 00:18:13,503
He's using "right" in the political sense.
444
00:18:13,537 --> 00:18:15,839
(gasps) His brainwashing's
been compromised!
445
00:18:15,873 --> 00:18:17,540
Seize him!
446
00:18:18,576 --> 00:18:20,043
(grunts)
447
00:18:21,746 --> 00:18:23,746
(grunting)
448
00:18:27,785 --> 00:18:30,286
(grunting)
449
00:18:32,056 --> 00:18:34,357
Dude! You wouldn't hurt a guy
in a wheelchair.
450
00:18:34,391 --> 00:18:35,558
Of course not.
451
00:18:35,593 --> 00:18:38,328
But I would hurt a guy with his wheelchair.
452
00:18:38,362 --> 00:18:41,197
(grunting, moaning)
453
00:18:41,232 --> 00:18:43,433
(panting)
454
00:18:43,467 --> 00:18:45,368
Dad? Are you really back?
455
00:18:45,403 --> 00:18:46,836
Yes, Hayley, I am.
456
00:18:46,871 --> 00:18:48,838
It seems the only force strong enough
457
00:18:48,873 --> 00:18:50,173
to break their brainwashing
458
00:18:50,207 --> 00:18:53,176
was a lifetime of
disappointment in my daughter.
459
00:18:53,210 --> 00:18:54,677
It is you!
460
00:18:54,712 --> 00:18:56,546
Dad!
461
00:18:57,615 --> 00:18:58,915
(beeping)
462
00:19:01,285 --> 00:19:03,620
Oh, no!
What have I done?
463
00:19:20,604 --> 00:19:22,906
What... what the hell
just happened?
464
00:19:25,176 --> 00:19:26,676
Well done, Smith.
465
00:19:26,710 --> 00:19:28,411
Or should I say, Smiths.
466
00:19:28,446 --> 00:19:29,779
Deputy Director Bullock?
467
00:19:29,814 --> 00:19:31,214
Let me explain.
468
00:19:31,248 --> 00:19:33,049
We needed to test Mount Rushmore's
469
00:19:33,084 --> 00:19:35,118
new anti-missile
laser defense,
470
00:19:35,152 --> 00:19:37,754
so we figured the easiest way to do that
471
00:19:37,788 --> 00:19:40,657
would be to brainwash our most loyal agent
472
00:19:40,691 --> 00:19:42,492
into firing missiles at it.
473
00:19:42,526 --> 00:19:43,927
Really?
That was the easiest way?
474
00:19:43,961 --> 00:19:45,261
No.
475
00:19:45,296 --> 00:19:48,732
But South Dakota had a lot
of Homeland Security funds
476
00:19:48,766 --> 00:19:50,667
just sitting around, so we figured
477
00:19:50,701 --> 00:19:52,635
we should do something cool with it.
478
00:19:52,670 --> 00:19:54,404
Are you insane?!
479
00:19:54,438 --> 00:19:57,240
Millions of kids go to bed
hungry every night,
480
00:19:57,274 --> 00:20:00,643
but you waste money making
Abe Lincoln into a Transformer?
481
00:20:00,678 --> 00:20:02,112
God, you're annoying.
482
00:20:02,146 --> 00:20:03,680
Everything you say is annoying.
483
00:20:03,714 --> 00:20:05,014
This guy gets it.
484
00:20:05,049 --> 00:20:07,884
Smith, let me introduce you
to the CIA agents
485
00:20:07,918 --> 00:20:10,787
who pretended to be
anticapitalist activists
486
00:20:10,821 --> 00:20:13,089
so they could kidnap and brainwash you.
487
00:20:14,592 --> 00:20:15,792
Duper?!
488
00:20:15,826 --> 00:20:17,193
Jackson?!
489
00:20:17,228 --> 00:20:19,696
Oh, my God, those disguises are amazing!
490
00:20:19,730 --> 00:20:23,299
That's because they're made
with real skin from the Orient.
491
00:20:23,334 --> 00:20:25,535
Wait a minute, then-then
who was playing Artemis?
492
00:20:25,569 --> 00:20:28,038
Oh, he was actually a dangerous activist.
493
00:20:28,072 --> 00:20:29,706
So good job beating him to death.
494
00:20:29,740 --> 00:20:32,542
He did have a child that may
come for vengeance someday,
495
00:20:32,576 --> 00:20:34,344
but he's also in a wheelchair,
496
00:20:34,378 --> 00:20:36,413
so walk halfway up a staircase
497
00:20:36,447 --> 00:20:38,548
or find a curb, you'll be fine.
498
00:20:42,253 --> 00:20:45,121
Well, Dad, it really
is good to have you back.
499
00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:47,057
It's good to be back, Hayley.
500
00:20:47,091 --> 00:20:49,125
Come on, let's go home.
501
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,960
Well, we've got a long drive ahead of us.
502
00:20:50,995 --> 00:20:52,429
What are we gonna talk about?
503
00:20:52,463 --> 00:20:53,596
Not much.
504
00:20:53,988 --> 00:20:58,805
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
web dl sync snarry