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00:00:01,979 --> 00:00:07,150
(alarm wails) (fierce
whistling) (explosion)
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00:00:07,284 --> 00:00:10,720
CHERLENE: Woooo! Outlaw country!
Outlaw co...
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00:00:10,854 --> 00:00:13,423
(gags) LANA: Stop it.
CHERLENE (hoarse): Make me.
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00:00:13,557 --> 00:00:16,626
(whistling, explosion) MALORY: Lana.
Are you crazy?
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00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,629
LANA: No, she is. See? MALORY:
Let go of her throat,
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00:00:19,763 --> 00:00:23,099
She-Hulk, those pipes just sold a million
records. CALDERÓN: Which is amazing,
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00:00:23,233 --> 00:00:25,601
can you believe it is so amazing?
Everyone, toast.
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00:00:25,736 --> 00:00:28,805
(explosion) MALORY AND LANA: Whoa!
COMANDANTE: Presidente, this
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00:00:28,939 --> 00:00:32,141
is no time for toast. CALDERÓN: Wha...
No, not "toast," a toast.
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00:00:32,276 --> 00:00:35,178
A toast. COMANDANTE: It is
even less the time for that.
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00:00:35,312 --> 00:00:38,848
MALORY: Calm down, Colonel Panic.
Listen-- the shelling has
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00:00:38,983 --> 00:00:41,784
stopped. (Pam grunts
loudly) (dishes break)
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00:00:41,919 --> 00:00:44,487
RAY: Damn it, Pam. CALDERÓN:
Why the hell did you do that?
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00:00:44,621 --> 00:00:47,156
PAM: So we can scrooch down behind it.
MALORY: The shelling...
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00:00:47,291 --> 00:00:49,759
has stopped. PAM: Oh,
did you just say that?
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00:00:49,893 --> 00:00:52,362
LANA: Goddamn it. Is everybody okay?
MALORY: Yes.
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00:00:52,496 --> 00:00:55,198
CHERLENE: Yeah, I guess. CYRIL
(laughing): I don't know.
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CALDERÓN: Wait a minute, where is my wife?
MALORY: And where is
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00:00:58,268 --> 00:01:01,070
Sterling? ARCHER
(muffled): What's that?
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00:01:01,205 --> 00:01:05,408
I mean, yes, what? What are we doing?
MALORY: What are you doing?
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00:01:05,542 --> 00:01:09,245
CALDERÓN: Why were you in the butler's
pantry? ARCHER: I-I was, uh, I was
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00:01:09,380 --> 00:01:12,448
hiding because I was scared.
CHERLENE: Yeah, right. LANA: Really.
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00:01:12,583 --> 00:01:16,486
ARCHER: Well, fairly. But I-I mean, I found
a paper bag in there, and I did some
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deep, uh... LANA: Breathing?
ARCHER: Also, yes, so, hey,
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00:01:19,723 --> 00:01:22,458
what's the plan? CALDERÓN:
We must counterattack.
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00:01:22,593 --> 00:01:25,495
COMANDANTE: But, sir, I don't have enough
troops. CALDERÓN: Oh, my God, always
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with the excuses. COMANDANTE: Sir, you
have an entire battalion sitting idle
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at the airport, so... CALDERÓN: No,
they are not sitting idle, they are...
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COMANDANTE: Unloading the one million
record albums you bought from this gringa.
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ARCHER: What? CHERLENE: Wait, what?
CALDERÓN (soft laugh):
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Surprise. JULIANA: Wait, what?
LANA: Non-surprise.
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ARCHER: Can you not? LANA: Can you not?
CHERLENE: I thought people
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liked me. JULIANA: I
thought we were broke.
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CALDERÓN: I... that's... CHERLENE AND
JULIANA: Do you have any idea how humiliating
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this is? PAM: Jinx.
(Cherlene sobs)
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Inappropes. CALDERÓN: Cherlene, wait.
JULIANA (gasps): Well, now
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it's your turn to be humiliated, Gustavo.
Because for your information,
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I just had... (gunshot)
LANA: Cyril?
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(Cyril grunts, exhales) ARCHER: Oh.
My God.
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00:02:05,869 --> 00:02:11,304
The gun went off for, like, no reason.
Surprise.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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(glass shatters) JULIANA: $10 million.
On... on cowboy music?
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CALDERÓN: Eee! Cowboy music?
COMANDANTE: Presidente,
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00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:03,250
please, permission to redeploy the troops
at the airport. CALDERÓN: Ay, aah!
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00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:07,020
Jesus Christ, fine. Whatever you want.
COMANDANTE: Bravo Two, this
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00:03:07,155 --> 00:03:10,057
is Bravo Actual. Redeploy
your troops to sector four.
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JULIANA: Well, I am redeploying
to my rooms. CALDERÓN: Well, I am
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00:03:13,828 --> 00:03:18,999
redeploying to my rooms. MALORY:
My God, why was she so upset?
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00:03:19,133 --> 00:03:22,803
ARCHER: Well, I think any time a spouse makes
a major purchase without discussing it
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00:03:22,937 --> 00:03:25,305
first... MALORY: I meant
Cherlene, you pea-wit.
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00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:28,709
Why does she care? Most singers would
kill to have a record go platinum.
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00:03:28,843 --> 00:03:31,712
(Lana clears throat) LANA:
Speaking of killing people.
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ARCHER: Oh, my God, okay, first of all,
he... Actually, yeah, Pam, let's hear
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00:03:36,951 --> 00:03:40,253
some Bee Gees. (Pam breathes deeply)
CYRIL (high-pitched): Ha, ha,
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00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:44,157
ha, ha. PAM: Stayin' alive.
(laughing): Holy shit, that
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00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:48,161
works. CYRIL: Agh. ARCHER:
Yeah, so does Kevlar.
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00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:51,465
LANA: Wait, so does what? PAM: What,
did you just want mouth-to-mouth?
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00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:54,101
CYRIL: I can explain. LANA:
What is this, Meatballs?
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00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:57,104
You little... ARCHER: Racist.
What?
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00:03:57,238 --> 00:04:00,173
Cyril, you wear Kevlar every single
time we go to Latin America.
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00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:03,944
CYRIL: Because every time you shoot me.
ARCHER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, not
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00:04:04,078 --> 00:04:07,481
every time. Mm, like,
three out of four, tops.
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00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:11,485
You big baby. LANA: Also speaking of...
MALORY: Ugh, here it comes.
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00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:14,488
LANA: No, actually, here it goes.
I'm leaving.
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00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:17,491
Ray, airport, let's go. ARCHER:
Have you lost your mind?
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00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:21,161
RAY: Seriously, I am not your servant.
Ow, quit-quit...
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00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:25,132
Ow, ow, goddamn it! ARCHER: Not that.
Lana, in case you haven't
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00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:29,002
noticed, this place is crawling with
rebels. PAM: And not the good kind
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00:04:29,137 --> 00:04:32,617
you get drunk with at Myrtle Beach and cruise
the strip in the bed of their monster truck
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00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:37,344
with a big rebel flag on it,
flinging empty longnecks at people.
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00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:41,948
LANA: Yeah, those aren't actually the
good kind, either. PAM: Now who's racist?
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00:04:42,083 --> 00:04:45,218
ARCHER: Those guys, Pam, those exact
same guys you just described.
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00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:48,989
PAM: Oh. Well now I feel like an asshole.
MALORY: When do you not?
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00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:53,493
PAM: Almost always. I really like me.
MALORY: Baffling.
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00:04:53,628 --> 00:04:57,397
As is leaving before Calderón pays us
for that shipment of weapons, so...
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00:04:57,532 --> 00:05:01,001
LANA (scoffs): When was that supposed to
happen? After a lovely dinner with him
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00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:04,137
and his freshly-banged first lady?
MALORY: His...
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00:05:04,272 --> 00:05:07,174
What are you talking about? LANA: I'm
talking about Archer, who just...
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00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:12,279
(gunshot) ARCHER: Oops.
MALORY: Give me that.
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00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:15,282
ARCHER: Mother, be careful, that
crazy thing's got a mind of its own.
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00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:18,285
MALORY: And it's not the only thing.
Why can't you keep it in your
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00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:22,022
pants? ARCHER: Oof.
(coughs): Oh, Mother.
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00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:26,526
(Cyril cackles) ARCHER: It's not
funny, I actually use mine.
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00:05:26,661 --> 00:05:30,564
LANA: Yes, always. God, you're...
What happened to no more
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00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:33,567
anonymous sex? ARCHER: I...
we had already met.
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00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:36,661
LANA: Not the first time. ARCHER: The
first time I thought she was the maid.
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00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:40,273
MALORY: Why would you have sex with a maid?
ARCHER: That doesn't merit a
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00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:43,543
response, Mother, and the second time she
blackmailed me. MALORY: How did she blackmail
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00:05:43,678 --> 00:05:46,947
you? ARCHER: By threatening to
tell Calderón about the first
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00:05:47,081 --> 00:05:50,884
time. MALORY: That's the honeypot.
How could you fall for that?
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00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:54,387
It's Espionage 101. ARCHER:
I know, it's pretty ironic.
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00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:58,925
But, also, I always fall for it. MALORY: And
now what's to stop her from telling him about
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00:05:59,060 --> 00:06:03,330
the second time? ARCHER: Hmm.
Nothing, (chuckles) she's crazy.
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00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:07,434
Ow, ow, Lana, quit it, ow. Ow, goddamn it.
LANA: Asshole.
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00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:11,972
CYRIL: We're dead. You've killed us.
ARCHER: Me?
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00:06:12,106 --> 00:06:16,109
I didn't have a follow-up... to that.
MALORY: Oh, all right, Lana,
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00:06:16,244 --> 00:06:21,515
you win. PAM: Yay!
LANA: Win what?
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00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:24,518
MALORY: We're leaving right now-- Ray?
RAY: Already packing
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00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:27,220
mentally. MALORY: Damn it,
man, forget your kimonos.
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00:06:27,355 --> 00:06:30,223
RAY: Oh, like I brought a huge stack.
CYRIL: Five's a pretty big
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00:06:30,358 --> 00:06:32,959
stack. MALORY: Cyril, shut
up and go find a vehicle.
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00:06:33,094 --> 00:06:36,930
Ray, find Cherlene. No matter what
happens, we can't leave without her.
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00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:40,166
LANA: She said, suddenly oddly maternal.
ARCHER: Right?
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00:06:40,301 --> 00:06:43,169
MALORY: She has to endorse the royalty
checks. LANA (English accent): And
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00:06:43,304 --> 00:06:46,406
the penny drops. MALORY: You shut up,
and the rest of you shut up and grab
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00:06:46,541 --> 00:06:50,110
anything valuable. Ooh, like
that ridiculous white painting.
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00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:52,612
PAM: Wait, what about Krieger?
MALORY: Oh, for...
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00:06:52,747 --> 00:06:55,582
Who cares about Krieger? RAY: Yeah.
CYRIL: That's true.
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00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:59,319
PAM: Plus, I bet the vampires got him.
(Krieger whimpers)
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00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:06,226
(sobbing) CLONE: So... now
will you join us... brother?
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00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:14,089
KRIEGER (sobbing): Yes...(sobbing)
CLONES: Clone bone!
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00:07:17,743 --> 00:07:21,971
KRIEGER: My God, I have so many questions.
Are you clones of me?
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00:07:22,164 --> 00:07:25,500
Am I a clone of you? Did you all grow up
together... in an actual house with an
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00:07:25,634 --> 00:07:29,204
actual mom and dad? And was I ever there?
CLONE: No.
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00:07:29,338 --> 00:07:32,540
CLONE 2: To all of it. KRIEGER: You sure?
Because I have this very clear
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00:07:32,675 --> 00:07:35,543
memory of me as a child, and it's snowing, and
there's a creepy old man trying to take me
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00:07:35,678 --> 00:07:39,080
away, and then I knock him down with a
sled? CLONE 3: That's Citizen Kane.
118
00:07:39,215 --> 00:07:43,551
KRIEGER: Oh. Wait. No, not a sled.
A pneumatic bolt-gun.
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00:07:43,686 --> 00:07:46,988
CLONE 3: Now that does sound
vaguely familiar. KRIEGER: Right?
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00:07:47,122 --> 00:07:50,024
CLONE 2: Wait. No. I remember
blood on snow. KRIEGER: Right?!
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00:07:50,159 --> 00:07:53,027
CLONE 1: No! That was something else!
He was never with us as a
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00:07:53,162 --> 00:07:55,897
child! CLONE 2: Well, the important
thing is that you're with us
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00:07:56,031 --> 00:07:59,133
now. CLONE 3: Especially
since your friends...
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00:07:59,268 --> 00:08:02,036
KRIEGER: "Friends." Please. Can you believe
those jerks? After all these years?
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00:08:02,171 --> 00:08:05,406
Kicking me to the curb like, like...
CLONE 1: A child.
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00:08:05,541 --> 00:08:08,543
CLONE 2: A frog! CLONE 3: Frog-child!
(load croaking)
127
00:08:08,677 --> 00:08:12,146
CLONES: No! KRIEGER Is...
is that what I think it is?
128
00:08:12,281 --> 00:08:15,350
CLONES: No. KRIEGER: Well, let me
finish, because I think it's some kind
129
00:08:15,484 --> 00:08:19,020
of unholy, adolescent human-amphibian
hybrid creature. CLONE 2: Oh.
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00:08:19,154 --> 00:08:24,225
Then, yes. KRIEGER: I'm home.
I'm finally home.
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00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:28,897
CLONE 1: Just in time for our moment of
triumph. KRIEGER: Well, if there's one
132
00:08:29,031 --> 00:08:33,001
thing I love, it's triumph! What is it?!
CLONE 2: All will be
133
00:08:33,135 --> 00:08:37,939
revealed... in time. KRIEGER: And if there's
one thing I love more than triumph,
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00:08:38,073 --> 00:08:43,044
it's annoying vagueness. CYRIL (as Malory):
Cyril, shut up and find a vehicle!
135
00:08:43,178 --> 00:08:46,548
Meh, heh, heh. I'm a hateful shrew!
And this is my idiot son,
136
00:08:46,682 --> 00:08:50,151
Archer. He's going to screw the
dictator's wife and then shoot
137
00:08:50,286 --> 00:08:53,821
you in the chest! (as himself):
Oh, makes me so mad!
138
00:08:53,956 --> 00:09:00,028
One of these days, I swear to...
Jesus H. Chrysler! (clacking)
139
00:09:00,162 --> 00:09:04,532
Well, one thing's for sure. If I had
it to do over, I'd be a dictator.
140
00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:08,169
CALDERÓN: What?! My God, come on.
How can you even say that?
141
00:09:08,304 --> 00:09:11,873
CHERLENE: Because that's what you are!
CALDERÓN: Cherlene, I-I...
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00:09:12,007 --> 00:09:17,045
I'm not a dictator! I'm a president,
like your Jorge Washington!
143
00:09:17,179 --> 00:09:20,659
CHERLENE: Jorge Washington-- which, apparently,
I've been mispronouncing wrong this whole
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00:09:20,749 --> 00:09:24,285
time-- wasn't president for life!
CALDERÓN: Uh, but he could
145
00:09:24,420 --> 00:09:28,122
have been if he wanted. Look, the
22nd amendment to your constitution
146
00:09:28,257 --> 00:09:33,161
imposed the presidential term limits, but it
wasn't passed by your congress until 1947, and
147
00:09:33,295 --> 00:09:37,632
not ratified by the requisite number
of American states until 1951, so...
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00:09:37,766 --> 00:09:41,336
CHERLENE: Who are you-- Dave Frishberg?!
CALDERÓN: Yeah, I don't know
149
00:09:41,470 --> 00:09:44,539
who that is. CHERLENE: Of course
you don't, because you don't live
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00:09:44,673 --> 00:09:48,509
in a free country, where the world's largest
manufacturers of sugary cereals are allowed to
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00:09:48,644 --> 00:09:53,214
sponsor interstitial animated programming
unapologetically targeted at children!
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00:09:53,349 --> 00:09:56,684
CALDERÓN: No. I-I live in a very
poor country. CHERLENE: Ugh!
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00:09:56,819 --> 00:10:00,388
CALDERÓN: No, no. I... Look, I know, but
go outside the palace walls, and trust me,
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00:10:00,522 --> 00:10:04,058
Cherlene, listen, it is crazy poor.
CHERLENE: Yeah, that was
155
00:10:04,193 --> 00:10:07,395
my whole... CALDERÓN: And so, I wanted
to distribute your records among--
156
00:10:07,529 --> 00:10:10,732
and I hate to say this-- but our filthy peasants,
so as to brighten their lives with your
157
00:10:10,866 --> 00:10:14,268
music. CHERLENE: Oh. Well,
now I feel like a...
158
00:10:14,403 --> 00:10:17,772
Wait. Do they even have record players?
CALDERÓN: Well, no, obviously
159
00:10:17,906 --> 00:10:21,476
not, but... CHERLENE: So how
would they even use records?!
160
00:10:21,610 --> 00:10:25,647
CALDERÓN: As plates? LANA: What, in the
name of all that is stupid, do you think
161
00:10:25,781 --> 00:10:29,317
you're doing? (Archer sighs)
ARCHER: You tell me, crazy
162
00:10:29,451 --> 00:10:33,488
pregnant hormone lady. What's it look like
I'm doing?! B-But before you answer, please
163
00:10:33,622 --> 00:10:37,725
don't say "literally being emasculated,"
because I looked that up, and... ick.
164
00:10:37,860 --> 00:10:41,396
LANA: Hold it up. ARCHER: Lana, come on.
You and Mother smashed my balls
165
00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:45,066
pretty good. Kudos. They're swollen.
But I-I don't need a cut man!
166
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:48,503
LANA: The painting... you idiot.
ARCHER: Oh.
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00:10:48,637 --> 00:10:52,318
Thought you meant my genitals. But, look, I know
you're jealous I had sex with Juliana, almost
168
00:10:52,341 --> 00:10:55,710
twice, but don't slash the painting.
It's...
169
00:10:55,844 --> 00:10:59,747
(high-pitched voice): Priceless. LANA:
But worthless... if you damage it.
170
00:10:59,882 --> 00:11:04,652
But even though it's very delicate, it can
withstand a surprising amount of shit.
171
00:11:04,787 --> 00:11:08,790
ARCHER: Wait. Is this an extremely
ill-phrased analogy about my penis?
172
00:11:08,924 --> 00:11:14,762
LANA: Yes, Archer, it is, because everything,
everywhere, every when, is about the paragon
173
00:11:14,897 --> 00:11:20,301
of adequacy that is your dick. ARCHER:
"Adequacy" as in "mind-blowingness"?
174
00:11:20,436 --> 00:11:23,771
Or "adequacy" as in "Hey, stupid,
you just destroyed $40 million"?!
175
00:11:23,906 --> 00:11:27,508
LANA: As in neither, you dummy.
This is how you steal a
176
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:31,179
painting. Did you never see
The Thomas Crown Affair?
177
00:11:31,313 --> 00:11:34,682
ARCHER: Uh, no, not a huge Steve
McQueen fan. (Lana laughs)
178
00:11:34,817 --> 00:11:41,489
LANA: Oh, my God, are you...? Archer, you
used to moan about him in your sleep!
179
00:11:41,623 --> 00:11:46,194
ARCHER: I-I... No, I didn't.
CYRIL: Come on, you can do
180
00:11:46,328 --> 00:11:49,664
this. Just pick a stupid car. But
the perfect car, so that for
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00:11:49,798 --> 00:11:53,334
once in her life, Ms. Archer can't bitch.
And we'll be driving through a
182
00:11:53,469 --> 00:11:57,505
war zone, so it needs to be fast, although
I guess reliability is more important
183
00:11:57,639 --> 00:12:01,175
than speed. Well, up to a point.
Although bulletproof glass
184
00:12:01,310 --> 00:12:05,546
wouldn't be bad. I... Damn it, Figgis!
You're overthinking this!
185
00:12:05,681 --> 00:12:10,618
Oh. Now that is a vehicle. Hmm.
186
00:12:10,753 --> 00:12:14,288
Let's see Ms. Archer bitch about that.
MALORY: You idiot!
187
00:12:14,423 --> 00:12:17,792
I gave you one simple job, and...
RAY: I looked in her room!
188
00:12:17,926 --> 00:12:21,462
MALORY: And?! RAY: And she wasn't in it?
(thudding, grunting)
189
00:12:21,597 --> 00:12:25,099
MALORY: Pam, if you want to scuff them
that badly, just throw them down the...
190
00:12:25,234 --> 00:12:27,435
(Pam grunts, thudding)
191
00:12:28,737 --> 00:12:32,507
(Malory sighs heavily) PAM: What,
were you not gonna say stairs?
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00:12:32,641 --> 00:12:36,544
ARCHER: Hang on, hang on! Wait, wait, wait.
Damn it! I have something for this.
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00:12:36,678 --> 00:12:40,381
It's um, uh... MALORY: Well, I just
assume it was about that ad with the
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00:12:40,516 --> 00:12:43,885
suitcase and the gorilla. PAM: Ouch.
LANA: Which, turns out, was
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00:12:44,019 --> 00:12:47,355
actually a man in a gorilla costume.
MALORY: Making the comparison
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00:12:47,489 --> 00:12:50,825
even more accurate. CALDERÓN: Ow!
PAM: Seriously.
197
00:12:50,959 --> 00:12:53,919
CHERLENE: Let go of me! RAY: There, I
found her. CALDERÓN: Cherlene, please!
198
00:12:53,962 --> 00:12:56,831
CHERLENE: No, I said! CALDERÓN:
B-But, Cherlene, listen, I love you!
199
00:12:56,965 --> 00:13:00,268
I-I will divorce my wife. (Juliana
gasps) JULIANA: You what?!
200
00:13:00,402 --> 00:13:03,371
CALDERÓN: Oh, don't act so surprised,
Juliana! It's not like we're in love
201
00:13:03,505 --> 00:13:06,707
anymore! JULIANA: Anymore?!
We were never in love!
202
00:13:06,842 --> 00:13:10,211
ARCHER: And suddenly I don't feel so bad.
LANA: You did before?
203
00:13:10,345 --> 00:13:13,381
ARCHER Oh, my God, you have no idea.
It's like this ache in the pit
204
00:13:13,515 --> 00:13:16,717
of your stomach. LANA: Are you
talking about your balls?
205
00:13:16,852 --> 00:13:19,887
ARCHER: Yeah, but it's wearing off now.
JULIANA: And I will tell you
206
00:13:20,022 --> 00:13:23,224
the same thing I told your father!
I will never give you a divorce!
207
00:13:23,358 --> 00:13:26,360
CALDERÓN: Tell that to the Chief
Justice of the Supreme Court.
208
00:13:26,495 --> 00:13:29,697
Oh, wait, you just did! CHERLENE: Wait.
You can't be both!
209
00:13:29,832 --> 00:13:32,867
CALDERÓN: Your William Howard Taft was.
CHERLENE: Not at the same
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00:13:33,001 --> 00:13:36,204
time! CALDERÓN: He absolutely was.
CHERLENE: Is that true?
211
00:13:36,338 --> 00:13:39,407
LANA: Oh, I don't want to... RAY:
I want to say church and state?
212
00:13:39,541 --> 00:13:42,977
ARCHER: Wow. We get home, first thing,
we are binge-watching Schoolhouse Rock.
213
00:13:43,111 --> 00:13:45,479
JULIANA: You can binge-watch it in hell!
(others gasp)
214
00:13:45,614 --> 00:13:47,882
ARCHER: Well, if anything, that's heaven.
JULIANA: And you can die
215
00:13:48,016 --> 00:13:52,220
knowing that the last man inside
of me was Archer. CALDERÓN: What?
216
00:13:52,354 --> 00:13:55,223
(others chatter) ARCHER: Oh,
uh, yeah, so about that...
217
00:13:55,357 --> 00:13:58,292
CALDERÓN: Well, I hope it was worth
dying for. ARCHER: Honestly?
218
00:13:58,427 --> 00:14:01,796
JULIANA: Right? ARCHER: I...
Well, no, but the first time...
219
00:14:01,930 --> 00:14:05,166
JULIANA: Honestly? ARCHER: No, the
first time. CALDERÓN: Good-bye, Mr.
220
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:08,803
Archer. Give my regards
to William Howard Taft.
221
00:14:08,937 --> 00:14:18,279
ARCHER (slow motion): No. PAM (slow motion):
No....! OTHERS (slow motion): No...!
222
00:14:27,086 --> 00:14:32,226
ARCHER (slow motion): Pam? (clears
throat) (normal voice): Pam?
223
00:14:37,032 --> 00:14:41,575
ARCHER: Pam, seriously. LANA: Archer...
ARCHER: Lana, shut up. Pam!
224
00:14:41,695 --> 00:14:45,773
LANA: Archer, I think she's...
(sniffles) I think she's...
225
00:14:45,907 --> 00:14:50,277
CALDERÓN: Dead. (crying) And now
you, Mr. Archer, can join her in...
226
00:14:50,412 --> 00:14:54,014
CHERLENE: Out... law... country.
(Juliana screaming)
227
00:14:54,149 --> 00:14:58,085
(gunshots) (Calderón grunting)
I'm gonna go Jerry Lee
228
00:14:58,219 --> 00:15:02,956
on your ass! (Juliana
screaming) (gunshots)
229
00:15:03,091 --> 00:15:07,761
LANA: Um, do you want to...? ARCHER: Yes.
Wait, were you gonna say "watch"?
230
00:15:07,896 --> 00:15:10,864
LANA: I was gonna say "help," but...
ARCHER: Shut up. Did she say
231
00:15:10,999 --> 00:15:13,934
she used to be married to Calderón's
father? PAM: (sniffs) Yeah, that's
232
00:15:14,069 --> 00:15:17,271
some messed-up shit. RAY: Hey!
ARCHER: Pam!
233
00:15:17,405 --> 00:15:21,275
LANA: How are you not dead? PAM:
(chuckles) 'Cause I'm not a pussy?
234
00:15:21,409 --> 00:15:24,311
And also probably 'cause of this.
MALORY: Is that Cyril's?
235
00:15:24,446 --> 00:15:27,314
PAM: Yep. RAY: Um... ARCHER:
You know they're not
236
00:15:27,449 --> 00:15:30,449
reusable, right? Once the fibers get
damaged, that's basically just a sweater
237
00:15:30,518 --> 00:15:33,987
vest. PAM (sucks air
through teeth): Oh, good.
238
00:15:34,122 --> 00:15:38,025
'Cause for a second there, I thought I
actually was a pussy. ARCHER: Hurts, huh?
239
00:15:38,159 --> 00:15:41,028
(Cherlene and Juliana screaming)
(Cherlene shouts) RAY: Hey, so...
240
00:15:41,162 --> 00:15:43,997
LANA: Yeah. Now do you want to help?
ARCHER (sighs, groans): Okay,
241
00:15:44,132 --> 00:15:47,000
Mother, give me my gun. MALORY: I
don't have it-- I threw it away.
242
00:15:47,135 --> 00:15:50,003
LANA: You what?! RAY: What?!
ARCHER: Why would you throw
243
00:15:50,138 --> 00:15:53,374
away a perfectly good gun?! MALORY:
Because it touched your... junk.
244
00:15:53,508 --> 00:15:56,910
ARCHER: How dirty do you think my junk is?
MALORY: As dirty as if it
245
00:15:57,045 --> 00:16:00,981
were made of dirt and then got dropped in some
different dirt and then Pig-Pen came along and
246
00:16:01,116 --> 00:16:04,151
kicked it around with his dirty shoes.
ARCHER: Fair enough.
247
00:16:04,285 --> 00:16:07,287
(gunshot) (Lana and Malory
gasp) CALDERÓN: Nobody move.
248
00:16:07,422 --> 00:16:13,427
Except you, Juliana. Let go of
Cherlene and throw down the gun.
249
00:16:13,561 --> 00:16:17,231
Now, then... JULIANA: Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Stop it. Stop it.
250
00:16:17,365 --> 00:16:20,234
Ow. No. Ow, ow, ow. Ooh...
(gunshot) CALDERÓN: Now, then!
251
00:16:20,368 --> 00:16:25,205
Cherlene, stop this at once. As your
husband, I command you. (others gasp)
252
00:16:25,340 --> 00:16:28,809
CHERLENE: My what?! CALDERÓN: Sorry, hang
on. Juliana, I divorce you, but also
253
00:16:28,943 --> 00:16:33,080
I wish you the best of luck in the years
ahead, which you will spend in prison.
254
00:16:33,214 --> 00:16:38,318
Cherlene, I now pronounce us husband and
wife. PAM (sniffs): Weddings always
255
00:16:38,453 --> 00:16:41,722
get me. LANA: Plus cocaine. CHERLENE: No!
We are so not
256
00:16:41,856 --> 00:16:44,725
married! Are you...?
Wait, which is it?
257
00:16:44,859 --> 00:16:47,728
ARCHER: Literally. CHERLENE:
Are you literally insane?!
258
00:16:47,862 --> 00:16:51,398
CALDERÓN: No, but my word is literally law.
One of the perks of being a
259
00:16:51,533 --> 00:16:54,735
dictator. CHERLENE: You said
you weren't a dictator!
260
00:16:54,869 --> 00:16:59,206
CALDERÓN: I-I lied, okay? But hopefully our
marriage is strong enough that, together and
261
00:16:59,340 --> 00:17:02,209
over time, we can work through it.
ARCHER: Well, at least he
262
00:17:02,343 --> 00:17:05,212
admits he was wrong. LANA: Yeah,
'cause that makes it all better.
263
00:17:05,346 --> 00:17:08,215
ARCHER: When did you get so cynical?
CALDERÓN: The rest of you...
264
00:17:08,349 --> 00:17:11,485
are under arrest! OTHERS: What?
CALDERÓN: Except those of you
265
00:17:11,619 --> 00:17:16,223
who are to be executed.
KRIEGER: Wait, what? Hey, guys.
266
00:17:16,357 --> 00:17:21,962
Um... CALDERÓN: In which case...
I would not put a lot of money
267
00:17:22,096 --> 00:17:25,799
in my prison canteen account. I'm
looking your way, Mr. Archer.
268
00:17:25,934 --> 00:17:29,369
ARCHER: Wait. Whoa, no. I... MALORY: Well,
then, good luck getting any more weapons,
269
00:17:29,504 --> 00:17:33,807
you-you cut-rate Castro! CALDERÓN: Ha!
I don't need them.
270
00:17:33,942 --> 00:17:40,047
As we speak, my scientists are working on a
secret weapon, and soon I will water our coca
271
00:17:40,181 --> 00:17:43,217
fields with the rebels' blood!
(others groan) CHERLENE: Gross!
272
00:17:43,351 --> 00:17:46,220
I can't believe I married you.
(door opens) (others gasp)
273
00:17:46,354 --> 00:17:49,223
COMANDANTE: Presidente. CALDERÓN: Good!
Yes. I am glad you are here.
274
00:17:49,357 --> 00:17:52,226
I have been bluffing the
whole time, look. (clicking)
275
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:55,229
Totally out of bullets. (chuckles)
See that? ARCHER: My bad, guys.
276
00:17:55,363 --> 00:17:58,265
That's on me. CALDERÓN: Anyway,
okay, now, Comandante, arrest these
277
00:17:58,399 --> 00:18:01,268
people. COMANDANTE: But, Presidente,
the rebels, they have smashed
278
00:18:01,402 --> 00:18:04,771
our counterattack. (others react)
They are headed for the palace.
279
00:18:04,906 --> 00:18:07,774
Hurry! We must get you out of here.
CHERLENE: Wait, and me!
280
00:18:07,909 --> 00:18:10,777
I'm the first lady! COMANDANTE: Please,
hurry. We have to go before...
281
00:18:10,912 --> 00:18:14,348
(loud crash) (all gasp)
(engine rumbling)
282
00:18:14,482 --> 00:18:17,417
CALDERÓN: W-Well? Don't just
stand there, you cowards!
283
00:18:17,552 --> 00:18:21,188
Do something! (weapons clatter) Oh, really?
That-that is
284
00:18:21,322 --> 00:18:24,191
obviously not what I... COMANDANTE:
Don't shoot, don't shoot!
285
00:18:24,325 --> 00:18:29,062
We surrender! (engine shuts
off) CYRIL: Uh, what's that?
286
00:18:29,197 --> 00:18:32,099
PAM: Cyril? CYRIL: Yeah, I couldn't
hear you over the sound of this
287
00:18:32,233 --> 00:18:35,869
gigantic friggin' tank. (chuckles)
MALORY: You idiot, that's the
288
00:18:36,004 --> 00:18:40,207
vehicle you found? I meant a limousine
or... CYRIL: Jesus God, woman,
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00:18:40,341 --> 00:18:43,777
nothing is ever good enough for you!
ARCHER: Right?
290
00:18:43,912 --> 00:18:46,980
COMANDANTE: Please, sir! Accept our
surrender! CALDERÓN: No, not to him!
291
00:18:47,115 --> 00:18:50,884
(groans) He's not the rebels! LANA:
Kind of a moot point, though, isn't it?
292
00:18:51,019 --> 00:18:54,187
What with the tank and all. CYRIL: Yeah.
So I hereby... ARCHER: Accept your
293
00:18:54,322 --> 00:18:57,257
surrender! Dibs! I'm in charge!
Cyril, get out of the...
294
00:18:57,392 --> 00:19:03,330
(whirring) CYRIL: Sorry? I
still couldn't hear you.
295
00:19:03,464 --> 00:19:07,134
(others laugh) ARCHER: Yeah, Cyril,
you are sorry because you still look
296
00:19:07,268 --> 00:19:12,973
like an idiot. You look like, uh...
(laughing): Oh, my God.
297
00:19:13,107 --> 00:19:16,376
Hang on. Wait, wait, wait. I-I
actually have something for this!
298
00:19:16,511 --> 00:19:21,815
(inhales deeply) Mi... PAM: Mike
Ducockless! (all laugh but Archer)
299
00:19:28,056 --> 00:19:30,202
Oh, boy. (Archer
roaring) Ha, ha!
300
00:19:31,567 --> 00:19:41,584
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com