1
00:00:01,168 --> 00:00:02,966
(SIREN WAILING)
2
00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:05,506
(BOMB WHISTLING)
3
00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:07,266
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
4
00:00:07,466 --> 00:00:08,467
Whoo!
5
00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:11,599
Outlaw country!
Outlaw...
6
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:12,679
(GRUNTS)
Stop it!
7
00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:14,060
Make me.
8
00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:16,817
(EXPLOSION) Lana! Are you crazy?
9
00:00:16,892 --> 00:00:18,815
No, she is.
See.
10
00:00:18,894 --> 00:00:20,737
Let go of her throat,
She-Hulk.
11
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,232
Those pipes just
sold a million records.
12
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:25,317
Which is amazing, can you
believe it is so amazing?
13
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:26,993
Everyone, toast!
(EXPLOSION)
14
00:00:27,069 --> 00:00:28,537
ALL: Whoa!
15
00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:30,706
Presidente, this is
no time for toast.
16
00:00:30,781 --> 00:00:33,910
(STAMMERS) No, not toast.
A toast, a toast.
17
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:35,585
It is even less
the time for that.
18
00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:37,379
Calm down,
Colonel Panic.
19
00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:40,207
Listen. The shelling
has stopped.
20
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,542
(GRUNTING)
21
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:43,794
(CLATTERING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
22
00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:45,838
Why the hell
did you do that?
23
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:47,965
So we can scrooch
down behind it.
24
00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:50,475
The shelling
has stopped!
25
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:52,720
Oh. Did you just
say that?
26
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,980
God damn it.
ls everybody okay?
27
00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:56,314
ALL: Yes.
28
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,518
Wait a minute,
where is my wife?
29
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,443
And where is Sterling?
30
00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:01,645
ARCHER: What's that?
31
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:04,989
I mean, yes. What?
What are we doing?
32
00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:06,233
What are you doing?
33
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:07,784
Why were you in
the butler's pantry?
34
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:11,238
(STAMMERS) I was hiding,
because I was scared.
35
00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:12,743
Yeah, right.
Really.
36
00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:16,077
Well, fairly. But I found
a paper bag in there
37
00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:17,911
and I did some deep, uh...
38
00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:19,167
Breathing?
39
00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:21,666
Also, yes. So, hey,
what's the plan?
40
00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,425
We must counterattack.
41
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,343
But sir, I don't
have enough troops.
42
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,839
Oh, my God. Always
with the excuses.
43
00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:30,508
Sir, you have an entire battalion
sitting idle at the airport...
44
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,350
They are not sitting
idle, they are...
45
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,973
Unloading the one
million record albums
46
00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:35,395
you bought
from this gringa!
47
00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:36,764
What?
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
48
00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:38,190
Wait, what?
49
00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:40,063
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Surprise.
(DOOR OPENS)
50
00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,439
Wait, what?
51
00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:42,770
Non-surprise.
52
00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:45,106
Can you not?
53
00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:46,610
I thought people liked me!
I thought we were broke!
54
00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:47,737
(STAMMERS)
I, that's...
55
00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:50,069
BOTH: Do you have any idea
how humiliating this is?
56
00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:51,153
Jinx!
57
00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:52,283
(SOBBING)
58
00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:53,454
lnappropes.
59
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:54,952
Cherlene, wait!
(GASPS)
60
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:57,660
Well, now it's your turn
to be humiliated, Gustavo.
61
00:01:57,743 --> 00:01:59,586
Because for your
information, I just had...
62
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:00,662
(GUNSHOT)
(ALL GASP)
63
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:01,747
LANA: Cyril?
64
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:02,877
(GROANS)
65
00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:06,297
Oh, my God.
66
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:09,547
The gun went off
for no reason.
67
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,391
Surprise.
68
00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:14,843
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
69
00:02:18,123 --> 00:02:28,247
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
70
00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:53,180
(PLATES SHATTERING)
71
00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:55,930
JULIANA:
Ten million dollars!
72
00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:59,012
On cowboy music!
73
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:00,097
(EXCLAIMS)
74
00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,065
Cowboy music?
75
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:03,558
Presidente, please!
76
00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:05,861
Permission to redeploy
the troops at the airport!
77
00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:07,188
(GRUNTS)
78
00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:09,238
Jesus Christ! Fine.
Whatever you want.
79
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:10,361
(RADIO STATIC)
80
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,566
Bravo Two,
this is Bravo Actual.
81
00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,903
Redeploy your troops
to sector four.
82
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:16,455
Well, lam redeploying
to my rooms.
83
00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:19,367
Well, lam redeploying
to my rooms.
84
00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:22,919
My God,
why was she so upset?
85
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:26,040
Well, I think any time a
spouse makes a major purchase
86
00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:27,124
without discussing it...
87
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,427
I meant Cherlene, you pea-wit.
Why does she care?
88
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:32,630
Most singers would kill to
have a record go platinum.
89
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:33,805
LANA: Ahem.
90
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,507
Speaking of
killing people...
91
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:38,389
(SCOFFS) Oh, my God.
Okay, first of all, he...
92
00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:41,480
Actually, yeah, Pam,
let's hear some Bee Gees.
93
00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,148
(INHALING SHARPLY)
94
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,146
(GASPING)
Ah! Ah! Ah!
95
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:46,894
Stayin' alive.
96
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,026
Holy shit! That works. (GROANS)
97
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:51,781
Yeah, so does Kevlar.
98
00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:53,780
Wait, so does what?
Oh!
99
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:55,907
What, did you just
want mouth-to-mouth?
100
00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,112
I can explain.
101
00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:59,197
What is this, Meatballs?
You little...
102
00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:00,373
ARCHER: Racist.
103
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:04,170
What? Cyril, you wear Kevlar every
single time we go to Latin America.
104
00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:06,580
Because every time,
you shoot me!
105
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:08,757
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not every time.
106
00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:12,427
Three out of four, tops.
You big baby.
107
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:14,300
Also speaking of...
108
00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:16,131
(GROANS)
Here it comes.
109
00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:17,841
No, actually,
here it goes.
110
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:20,347
I'm leaving. Ray,
airport, let's go.
111
00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:21,636
Have you lost
your mind?
112
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,347
Seriously,
lam not your servant.
113
00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:24,849
(GROANING)
114
00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:26,934
Ow! God damn it!
115
00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:27,984
Not that!
Ow!
116
00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:29,311
Lana, in case
you haven't noticed,
117
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:31,488
this place is
crawling with rebels.
118
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,607
(CHUCKLES) And not the good
kind you get drunk with
119
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,317
at Myrtle Beach
and cruise the strip
120
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,199
in the bed of their monster truck
with a big rebel flag on it,
121
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,701
flinging empty
longnecks at people.
122
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,115
Yeah.
123
00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:44,293
Those aren't actually
the good kind either.
124
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:45,869
Now who's racist?
125
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:49,047
Those guys, Pam, those exact
same guys you just described.
126
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:51,584
Oh. Well, now I feel
like an asshole.
127
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:52,959
When do you not?
128
00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:55,466
Almost always.
I really like me.
129
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,172
Baffling.
130
00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,641
As is leaving before
Calderon pays us
131
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,760
for that shipment of weapons, so...
(SCOFFS)
132
00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,558
When was that
supposed to happen?
133
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:07,141
After a lovely dinner with him and
his freshly-banged first lady?
134
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,980
His... What are you
talking about?
135
00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:11,107
I'm talking about Archer, who just...
(GUNSHOT)
136
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,187
(ALL EXCLAIM)
137
00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:15,486
Oops.
138
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:16,612
Give me that!
139
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,820
Mother, be careful, that crazy
thing's got a mind of its own.
140
00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:21,530
And it's not
the only thing.
141
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:24,036
Why can't you keep it in your pants?
(GROANS)
142
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:26,205
Oh, Mother.
143
00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:27,285
(LAUGHS)
144
00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:30,372
It's not funny,
I actually use mine.
145
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,002
Yes, always.
146
00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:33,254
(STAMMERING)
147
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,802
What happened to no
more anonymous sex?
148
00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,754
We had already met.
149
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:38,880
Not the first time!
150
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,799
The first time, I thought
she was the maid.
151
00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:43,101
Why would you have
sex with a maid?
152
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:45,137
That doesn't merit
a response, Mother.
153
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,018
And the second time,
she blackmailed me.
154
00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:48,690
How did she blackmail you?
155
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:51,518
By threatening to tell
Calderon about the first time.
156
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,446
That's the honeypot. How
could you fall for that?
157
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,239
It's Espionage 101.
158
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,191
I know,
it's pretty ironic.
159
00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,824
But also,
I always fall for it.
160
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,575
And now, what's to stop
her from telling him
161
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:03,655
about the second time?
162
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:04,705
Mmm.
163
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,624
Nothing, she's crazy.
164
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:07,830
Ow! Ow!
165
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,503
Lana, quit it! Ow!
Ow! God damn it!
166
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,705
Asshole.
167
00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:13,290
We're dead!
You've killed us!
168
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,625
Me?
169
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:18,053
I didn't have a follow-up.
To that.
170
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,095
(GROANS)
171
00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:20,638
All right, Lana,
you win.
172
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,091
Yay!
173
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:26,849
Win what?
174
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,722
We're leaving
right now. Ray.
175
00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:29,973
Already packing
mentally.
176
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:31,603
Damn it, man,
forget your kimonos!
177
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:33,401
Oh, like I brought
a huge stack.
178
00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:34,819
Five's a pretty
big stack.
179
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,693
Cyril, shut up and
go find a vehicle.
180
00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:39,320
Ray, find Cherlene.
No matter what happens,
181
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,571
we can't leave
without her.
182
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:43,244
She said, suddenly
oddly maternal.
183
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,321
Right?
184
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,577
She has to endorse
the royalty checks.
185
00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,203
And the penny drops.
186
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,918
You shut up and the
rest of you shut up
187
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,586
and grab
anything valuable.
188
00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:54,255
Ooh! Like that ridiculous
white painting.
189
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:55,878
Wait,
what about Krieger?
190
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:58,218
Oh...
Who cares about Krieger?
191
00:06:58,293 --> 00:06:59,340
(ALL AGREEING)
192
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,759
Plus, I bet
the vampires got him.
193
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:02,839
Oh.
194
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,678
(SOBBING)
195
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:09,896
So now will you
join us, brother?
196
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,349
Yes.
197
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,939
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
198
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,313
ALL: Clone bone!
199
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,866
KRIEGER: My God,
I have so many questions.
200
00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:29,037
Are you clones of me?
Am I a clone of you?
201
00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,664
Did you all grow up together,
in an actual house
202
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,666
with an actual mom and dad?
And was I ever there?
203
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:35,543
No.
To all of it.
204
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:39,084
You sure? Because I have this very
clear memory of me as a child
205
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,635
and it's snowing, and
there's a creepy old man
206
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:41,927
trying to take me away,
207
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:43,926
and then I knock him
down with a sled.
208
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:45,344
That's Citizen Kane.
209
00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:46,424
Oh.
210
00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:49,557
Wait, no, not a sled.
A pneumatic bolt gun.
211
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,388
Now that does sound
vaguely familiar.
212
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,472
Right?
213
00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:54,557
Wait, no, I remember
blood on snow.
214
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:55,642
Right?
215
00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:56,817
No. That was
something else.
216
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,566
He was never
with us as a child.
217
00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:01,065
Well, the important thing
is that you're with us now.
218
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,150
Especially since
your friends...
219
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,907
"Friends." Please. Can
you believe those jerks?
220
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,659
After all these years?
221
00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:09,580
Kicking me
to the curb like...
222
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:10,782
A child.
223
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,458
A frog.
Frog-child.
224
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:14,168
(GROWLING)
ALL: No!
225
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:17,330
Is that what
I think it is?
226
00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:18,456
ALL: No.
227
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,504
Well, let me finish,
because I think
228
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,460
it's some kind of
unholy adolescent
229
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,217
human-amphibian
hybrid creature.
230
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,131
Oh. Then yes.
231
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:29,969
I'm home.
I'm finally home.
232
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:32,812
Just in time for
our moment of triumph.
233
00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:37,355
Well, if there's one thing I
love, it's triumph. What is it?
234
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:40,816
All will be
revealed in time.
235
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,694
And if there's one thing I
love more than triumph,
236
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:45,741
it's annoying
vagueness.
237
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:48,863
CYRIL: (MIMICKING MALORY) Cyril,
shut up and find a vehicle.
238
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:51,039
(CHUCKLES HUMORLESSLY)
I'm a hateful shrew.
239
00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:54,034
And this is my
idiot son, Archer.
240
00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:55,664
He's going to screw
the dictator's wife
241
00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:56,996
and then shoot you
in the chest.
242
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,079
(GRUNTS)
243
00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:59,710
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Makes me so mad.
244
00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,416
One of these days,
I swear to...
245
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,627
Jesus H. Chrysler!
246
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:10,137
Well, one thing's for sure. If I had
to do it over, I'd be a dictator.
247
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:11,468
CALDERON: What?
248
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,513
My God, come on, how
can you even say that?
249
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,397
Because that's
what you are!
250
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:19,226
Cherlene,
I'm not a dictator.
251
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:22,279
I'm a president, like
your Jorge Washington.
252
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,906
Jorge Washington,
which apparently
253
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:27,029
I've been mispronouncing
wrong this whole time,
254
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:29,406
wasn't president
for life!
255
00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:31,033
He could have
been if he wanted.
256
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:33,615
The 22nd amendment
to your constitution
257
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,245
imposed the presidential
term limits.
258
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:38,204
But it wasn't passed by
your congress until 1947,
259
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:41,039
and not ratified
by the requisite number
260
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,750
of American states
until 1951. So...
261
00:09:43,875 --> 00:09:46,219
Who are you,
Dave Frishberg?
262
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:47,637
I don't know
who that is.
263
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:51,307
Of course you don't. Because you
don't live in a free country
264
00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:53,760
where the world's largest
manufacturers of sugary cereals
265
00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:54,844
are allowed to sponsor
266
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,601
interstitial
animated programming
267
00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:59,182
unapologetically
targeted at children!
268
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:01,484
No. I live in
a very poor country.
269
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:02,651
(SCOFFING)
(STAMMERING)
270
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:03,728
No, look, I know.
271
00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:05,689
But go outside
the palace walls
272
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,241
and trust me, Cherlene,
listen, it is crazy poor.
273
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:09,780
Yeah,
that was my whole...
274
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:12,282
And so, I wanted to distribute
your records among,
275
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,705
I hate to say this,
276
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:17,501
but our filthy peasants, so as to
brighten their lives with your music.
277
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,836
Oh. Well, now
I feel like a...
278
00:10:19,911 --> 00:10:22,164
Wait, do they even
have record players?
279
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,341
Well, no,
obviously not, but...
280
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:26,713
So how would they
even use records?
281
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,504
As plates?
282
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:31,764
What in the name
of all that is stupid
283
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,137
do you think
you're doing?
284
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,681
(SIGHS) You tell me, crazy
pregnant hormone lady.
285
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,478
What's it look
like I'm doing?
286
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:38,930
(STAMMERING)
But before you answer,
287
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:41,061
please don't say "literally
being emasculated,"
288
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:44,019
because I looked
that up and... Ick.
289
00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:45,570
Hold it up.
Lana, come on.
290
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,355
You and Mother smashed
my balls pretty good.
291
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,065
Kudos,
they're swollen.
292
00:10:49,232 --> 00:10:50,609
But I don't
need a cutman.
293
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,569
The painting,
you idiot.
294
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,121
Oh. Thought you
meant my genitals.
295
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,824
But look, I know you're jealous
I had sex with Juliana,
296
00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:58,954
almost twice.
297
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,831
But don't slash
the painting, it's...
298
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:02,169
Priceless.
299
00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:04,293
But worthless
if you damage it.
300
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:07,671
But even though
it's very delicate,
301
00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:10,466
it can withstand a
surprising amount of shit.
302
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:14,174
Wait, is this an extremely
ill-phrased analogy about my penis?
303
00:11:14,257 --> 00:11:19,229
Yes, Archer, it is, because
everything, everywhere, everywhen
304
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:23,150
is about the paragon of
adequacy that is your dick.
305
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:26,270
"Adequacy" as in
"mindblowingness"?
306
00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:28,863
Or "adequacy"
as in "Hey, stupid,
307
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:30,986
"you just destroyed
$40 million."
308
00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:32,191
As in neither,
you dummy.
309
00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:33,868
This is how
you steal a painting.
310
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,987
Did you never see
The Thomas Crown Affair?
311
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:39,074
No, not a huge
Steve McQueen fan.
312
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:40,750
(CHUCKLES)
313
00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:43,002
Oh, my God, are you...
314
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:46,123
Archer, you used to moan
about him in your sleep.
315
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:48,584
(STAMMERING)
316
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,008
No, I didn't.
317
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,680
Come on, you can do this,
just pick a stupid car.
318
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,890
But the perfect car, so
that for once in her life,
319
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,387
Ms. Archer can't bitch.
320
00:11:57,467 --> 00:12:00,846
And we'll be driving through a war
zone, so it needs to be fast.
321
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,978
Although I guess reliability
is more important than speed.
322
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:07,186
Well, up to a point. Although,
bulletproof glass wouldn't be bad...
323
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:10,772
Damn it, Figgis!
You're overthinking this!
324
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:12,948
Oh!
325
00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:16,069
Now that is a vehicle.
(SCOFFS)
326
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:18,325
Let's see Ms. Archer
bitch about that.
327
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:19,747
MALORY: You idiot!
328
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:22,117
I gave you one
simple job and...
329
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,577
I looked in her room!
330
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:24,752
And?
331
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:26,170
And she wasn't in it.
332
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,247
(PAM GRUNTS)
333
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:30,925
Pam, if you want to scuff them that
badly, just throw them down the...
334
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:36,593
(GROANS)
335
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,846
What? Were you not
gonna say stairs?
336
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,220
Uh, hang on, hang on.
Wait, wait. Damn it.
337
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,930
I have something for
this, it's, um..- Uh...
338
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:46,937
I assume it was about that ad with
the suitcase and the gorilla.
339
00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:48,017
Ouch.
340
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:51,605
Which, turns out, was actually
a man in a gorilla costume.
341
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:54,282
Making the comparison
even more accurate.
342
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:56,030
CALDERON: Ow!
Seriously.
343
00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:57,360
Let go of me!
344
00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:58,444
There, I found her.
345
00:12:58,528 --> 00:12:59,620
Cherlene, please!
346
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:00,822
No, I said!
347
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:05,160
But, Cherlene, listen, I love you.
I will divorce my wife.
348
00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:06,290
(JULIANA GASPS)
349
00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:07,541
You what?
350
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,463
Oh, don't act so
surprised, Juliana.
351
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,291
It's not like
we're in love anymore.
352
00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:14,002
Anymore?
We were never in love!
353
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:15,720
And suddenly,
I don't feel so bad.
354
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:16,887
You did before?
355
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,635
Oh, my God,
you have no idea,
356
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:21,184
it's this ache in the
pit of your stomach.
357
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:23,432
Are you talking
about your balls?
358
00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,396
Yeah, but it's wearing off now.
359
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,565
And I will tell you the same
thing I told your father.
360
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,233
I will never
give you a divorce!
361
00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:31,986
Tell that to the Chief Justice
of the Supreme Court.
362
00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,904
Oh, wait,
you just did.
363
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:35,448
Wait,
you can't be both.
364
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:37,491
Your William Howard
Taft was.
365
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:38,819
Not at the same time!
366
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,244
He absolutely was.
367
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,913
Is that true?
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
368
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,532
I wanna say
church and state?
369
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:46,242
When we get home,
first thing,
370
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,454
we are binge-watching
Schoolhouse Rock!
371
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:50,083
You can binge-watch
it in hell!
372
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,380
(ALL GASP)
373
00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:53,003
Well, if anything,
that's heaven.
374
00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:57,675
And you can die knowing that the
last man inside of me was Archer.
375
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:58,887
What?
376
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,216
Oh, yeah,
so about that...
377
00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:02,926
Well, I hope it
was worth dying for.
378
00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:05,061
Honestly?
Right?
379
00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:08,223
(STAMMERS) Well, no,
but the first time...
380
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:10,646
Honestly?
No, the first time.
381
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:14,104
Goodbye, Mr. Archer. Give my
regards to William Howard Taft.
382
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:16,522
(DISTORTED) No.
383
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:19,488
No!
384
00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:23,822
No!
385
00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:25,282
ALL: No!
386
00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:34,336
Pam?
387
00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:35,541
(CLEARS THROAT)
388
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:37,543
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Pam.
389
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,310
Pam, seriously.
390
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,764
Archer?
Lana, shut up. Pam!
391
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:53,101
Archer, I think she's...
(SNIFFLES) I think she's..-...
392
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:56,313
Dead. And now you, Mr. Archer,
393
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,522
can join her in...
394
00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:00,529
Out... law... country!
(GROANING)
395
00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:02,489
(SCREAMING)
396
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:04,741
(GRUNTING)
397
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:07,119
I'm gonna go
Jerry Lee on your ass!
398
00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:08,541
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
399
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:11,911
Urn...
400
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:15,298
Do you wanna... Yes. Wait,
were you gonna say watch?
401
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:16,920
I was gonna
say help, but...
402
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,922
Shut up, did she say
she used to be married
403
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,253
to Calderon's father?
404
00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:22,922
Yeah, that's some
messed up shit.
405
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:24,302
Pam!
406
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:26,096
How are you not dead?
407
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:27,222
(LAUGHS)
408
00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:28,803
'Cause I'm not a pussy?
409
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,847
And also probably
'cause of this.
410
00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:32,731
Is that Cyril's?
Yep.
411
00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:33,808
Urn...
412
00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:35,359
You know they're
not reusable, right?
413
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,937
Once the fibers
get damaged,
414
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:39,647
that's basically
just a sweater vest.
415
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:42,153
Oh, good. 'Cause for
a second there,
416
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:44,327
I thought I actually
was a pussy.
417
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:45,870
Hurts, huh? (CHERLENE
AND JULIANA SCREAMING)
418
00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:50,792
Hey, so... Yeah. Now
do you wanna help?
419
00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:51,914
(SIGHS)
420
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:53,711
Oh, okay, Mother,
give me my gun.
421
00:15:53,828 --> 00:15:55,080
I don't have it,
I threw it away.
422
00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:56,210
BOTH: You what?
423
00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:58,382
Why would you throw away
a perfectly good gun?
424
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:01,127
Because it touched
your junk.
425
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,178
How dirty do you
think my junk is?
426
00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,131
As dirty as if it
were made of dirt
427
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,966
and then got dropped
in some different dirt.
428
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,551
And then
Pig-Pen came along
429
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,557
and kicked it around
with his dirty shoes.
430
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:13,064
Fair enough.
(GUNSHOT)
431
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:14,728
Nobody move!
432
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,059
Except you, Juliana.
433
00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:19,066
Let go of Cherlene
and throw down the gun.
434
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:22,239
Now then.
435
00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:23,608
Ow! Ow! Ow!
436
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:24,817
Stop it! Stop it! Ow! No!
437
00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:25,902
Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh!
438
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,612
(FIRES SHOT)
Now then!
439
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:29,576
Cherlene.
Stop this at once.
440
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:31,749
As your husband,
I command you.
441
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,292
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
My what?
442
00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:36,079
Sorry, hang on.
Juliana, I divorce you,
443
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,664
but also, I wish you
the best of luck
444
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:40,591
in the years ahead, which
you will spend in prison.
445
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:43,670
Cherlene, I now pronounce
us husband and wife.
446
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:44,754
(SNIFFLES)
447
00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:46,760
Weddings always get me.
448
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,011
Plus cocaine.
449
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:51,226
No, we are so not married!
Are you...
450
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,062
Wait, which is it? Literally.
451
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,139
Are you literally
insane?
452
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,897
No, but my word
is literally law.
453
00:16:57,975 --> 00:16:59,852
One of the perks
of being a dictator.
454
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,942
You said you
weren't a dictator!
455
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,565
I lied, okay?
456
00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:06,151
But hopefully, our
marriage is strong enough
457
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:09,033
that together and over time,
we can work through it.
458
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:10,988
Well, at least he
admits he was wrong.
459
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:12,915
Yeah, 'cause that
makes it all better.
460
00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:14,621
When did you
get so cynical?
461
00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:17,374
The rest of you are under arrest!
ALL: What?
462
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,997
Except those of you
who are to be executed.
463
00:17:20,081 --> 00:17:22,584
Wait, what?
Hey, guys?
464
00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:25,552
Urn...
465
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,592
CALDERON:
In which case...
466
00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:31,309
I would not put a lot of money
in my prison canteen account.
467
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,852
lam looking your way,
Mr. Archer.
468
00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:34,391
Wait. No!
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
469
00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:36,560
Well, then good luck
getting any more weapons,
470
00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:39,142
you cut-rate Castro!
471
00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:41,151
Ha! I don't need them.
472
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:44,982
As we speak, my scientists are
working on a secret weapon.
473
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:48,068
And soon, I will water
our coca fields
474
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,618
with the rebels' blood!
475
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:50,741
(ALL GROANING)
476
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:52,948
Gross! I can't
believe I married you.
477
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,031
(DOOR OPENS)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
478
00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:55,366
Presidente!
479
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,668
Good, yes.
I'm glad you are here.
480
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,416
I've been bluffing
the whole time.
481
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,839
(CLICKING GUN) Totally out of bullets.
See that?
482
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,666
My bad, guys.
That's on me.
483
00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:06,590
Anyway. Okay now, Comandante,
arrest these people.
484
00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,262
But, Presidente,
the rebels.
485
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,339
They have smashed
our counterattack.
486
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,424
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
487
00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:12,596
They are headed
for the palace.
488
00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:14,302
Hurry, we must get
you out of here.
489
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,517
Wait, and me.
I'm the first lady!
490
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,314
Please, hurry,
we have to go before...
491
00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:19,515
(LOUD CRASHING)
(SCREAMING)
492
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:26,239
Don’t just stand there,
you cowards. Do something!
493
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,947
Oh. Really? That's
obviously not what...
494
00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:32,120
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
We surrender!
495
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:36,578
Uh, what's that?
496
00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:37,704
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
497
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:41,833
Yeah. I couldn't hear you over the sound
of this gigantic friggin tank. (CHUCKLES)
498
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,499
You idiot, that's the
vehicle you found?
499
00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:46,209
I meant
a limousine or...
500
00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:50,305
Jesus God, woman, nothing is
ever good enough for you!
501
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:53,098
Right? Please. Sir.
Accept our surrender.
502
00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:55,893
No, not to him.
He's not the rebels.
503
00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:57,811
Kind of a moot point
though, isn't it?
504
00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:59,264
What,
with the tank and all.
505
00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,015
Yeah. So I hereby...
506
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:04,443
I accept your surrender. Dibs. I'm
in charge. Cyril, get out of the...
507
00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:10,691
Sorry, I still
couldn't hear you.
508
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:11,822
(ALL LAUGHING)
509
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,824
Yeah, Cyril,
you are sorry,
510
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:17,453
because you still look like an idiot.
You look like, uh...
511
00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:18,867
(CHUCKLING)
512
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:21,494
Oh, my God.
Hang on, wait, wait.
513
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,420
I actually have
something for this.
514
00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:26,924
Mi...
Mike Ducockless!
515
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,421
(ALL LAUGHING)
516
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:36,759
Oh, boy.
517
00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:41,559
(YELLING)
(LAUGHS)
518
00:19:44,262 --> 00:19:54,318
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)