1 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:03,460 Well, kids, here we are. 2 00:00:03,530 --> 00:00:04,800 We've arrived 3 00:00:04,860 --> 00:00:06,130 My 30th birthday. 4 00:00:06,165 --> 00:00:08,130 The long-awaited story of... 5 00:00:09,060 --> 00:00:10,560 ... the goat. 6 00:00:11,030 --> 00:00:12,960 That week started just like any other. 7 00:00:12,995 --> 00:00:15,730 Barney woke up in some girl's bed. 8 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,500 In my experience, the way this normally goes is, 9 00:00:21,535 --> 00:00:23,530 We lie here for a while, 10 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,660 Make a little awkward chitchat. 11 00:00:28,260 --> 00:00:29,060 Check. 12 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:32,400 Then I make up some cabinet meeting, heart surgery, 13 00:00:32,435 --> 00:00:33,600 Rocket test flight I've got to be at, 14 00:00:33,635 --> 00:00:36,400 Slip out of the apartment and never call you again. 15 00:00:36,460 --> 00:00:38,230 And later at the bar, 16 00:00:38,265 --> 00:00:39,530 You tell your good friend robin 17 00:00:39,565 --> 00:00:40,960 The story of your latest conquest, 18 00:00:40,995 --> 00:00:42,900 And she thinks to herself, 19 00:00:42,935 --> 00:00:46,030 "who is this sad, self-loathing idiot 20 00:00:46,065 --> 00:00:48,430 Who climbed into bed with barney stinson?" 21 00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:52,460 Actually, you usually say that out loud. 22 00:00:55,830 --> 00:00:57,600 So... 23 00:00:58,130 --> 00:01:02,400 ... i just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend 24 00:01:02,435 --> 00:01:03,260 And I just slept 25 00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:06,330 With my ex-boyfriend's really good friend. 26 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,400 Best friend. 27 00:01:09,860 --> 00:01:11,930 Okay, here's the deal, barney. 28 00:01:11,965 --> 00:01:13,730 The second my feet touch the ground, 29 00:01:13,765 --> 00:01:15,600 This never happened. 30 00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:17,100 Okay. 31 00:01:17,135 --> 00:01:18,260 Wait. 32 00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:20,230 Right click, save as... 33 00:01:20,265 --> 00:01:23,160 Into the. bpeg folder, and okay. 34 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,660 This never happened. 35 00:01:26,530 --> 00:01:28,300 It's a good plan. 36 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:32,260 Now we go back to exactly the way things were before. 37 00:01:32,295 --> 00:01:33,530 Okay. 38 00:01:33,565 --> 00:01:34,760 Right. 39 00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:36,700 So, robin? 40 00:01:36,735 --> 00:01:38,130 Yes, barney? 41 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:42,030 Guess who nailed the chick from metro news one last night? 44 00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:07,260 Since you were never here to begin with, 45 00:02:07,330 --> 00:02:08,130 You won't be here when I get out. 46 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:10,330 -Okay. -okay. 47 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:11,860 This never happened. 48 00:02:14,530 --> 00:02:16,730 Never happened. 49 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:18,630 Never... happened. 50 00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:20,030 But pretending it never happened 51 00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:21,300 Wouldn't be that easy. 52 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:22,730 So, tell us, 53 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:23,700 What was it like? 54 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:24,800 What? 55 00:02:24,860 --> 00:02:26,060 penetrating that barrier. 56 00:02:26,095 --> 00:02:27,730 You and I are the first ones to hit it. 57 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:28,860 Well, not the first ones, 58 00:02:28,930 --> 00:02:30,700 Certainly, but the first ones at this table. 59 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:33,200 I... I... 60 00:02:33,260 --> 00:02:35,800 I'm... I'm... 61 00:02:35,860 --> 00:02:38,460 Although, I'm gonna be hitting it pretty soon. 62 00:02:38,495 --> 00:02:39,100 yeah, you are. 63 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,130 Yeah, and when I hit it, I'm going to go nuts. 64 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:45,730 It's gonna be all night, and I think I want a clown there. 65 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,500 I'm a little bit scared of clowns, but for you, I'm there. 66 00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,000 What are you taking about?! 67 00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:52,100 The big three-oh. 68 00:02:52,135 --> 00:02:53,930 You know, My 30th birthday's this friday. 69 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:54,860 Did you forget? 70 00:02:54,895 --> 00:02:57,100 What kind of friend is this guy? 71 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:58,560 Ha-ha right. 72 00:02:58,630 --> 00:03:00,500 A great friend, by the way. 73 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,000 The best. 74 00:03:02,060 --> 00:03:03,230 Is it my imagination, 75 00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:04,660 Or are these drinks getting smaller? 76 00:03:04,730 --> 00:03:07,960 If this were a doctor's office, they'd say, "try again. " 77 00:03:09,830 --> 00:03:11,430 How you doing there, robin? 78 00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:13,700 -I'm good. -Oh, so, I made a a decision. 79 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,400 I'm going to go through all my old stuff, 80 00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:18,000 And I'm getting rid of anything I have no use for anymore. 81 00:03:18,060 --> 00:03:19,230 Hmm. barney, you want my xbox? 82 00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:22,030 Ted, she has a name! 83 00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:24,500 And just what are you accusing me of? 84 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,600 Liking video games? 85 00:03:26,660 --> 00:03:27,600 I'm gonna get a drink. 86 00:03:27,660 --> 00:03:29,130 I'll come with you. 87 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:30,030 Okay. 88 00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:31,330 God, this is awkward. 89 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,760 What is? 90 00:03:32,830 --> 00:03:34,160 Being around ted. 91 00:03:34,230 --> 00:03:35,260 Why? 92 00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:37,600 -Because of our thing. -what thing? 93 00:03:37,660 --> 00:03:39,430 You're really gonna pretend this never happened? 94 00:03:39,465 --> 00:03:41,460 What never happened? 95 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,300 What are you guys talking about? 96 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,300 Nothing. 97 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,130 Guys, cut the act. I know. 98 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,230 I know about the surprise party you guys are throwing me. 99 00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,100 Marshall let it slip earlier today. 100 00:03:57,130 --> 00:03:58,760 Hey, I'll totally act surprised and everything. 101 00:03:58,830 --> 00:04:00,200 Just be sure to invite stella. 102 00:04:00,260 --> 00:04:01,760 Stella! 103 00:04:01,830 --> 00:04:03,500 You have a serious girlfriend now! 104 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,000 You're over this one. 105 00:04:05,060 --> 00:04:06,760 Robin who, right? 106 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,500 Stella makes this one look 107 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:11,000 Like a filthy bag of gbabage, am I right? 108 00:04:12,530 --> 00:04:13,830 Happy birthday, bro. 109 00:04:18,630 --> 00:04:19,760 Hello. 110 00:04:19,795 --> 00:04:22,360 Hey, marshall, I need your help. 111 00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:24,730 Yeah, I'm kind of real focused on the job hunt right now. 112 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,860 I know. I want to hire you. 113 00:04:26,930 --> 00:04:29,900 For the last time, barney, I will not be your butler. 114 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,560 I need a lawyer. 115 00:04:31,630 --> 00:04:33,100 I'll pay you. 116 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:34,800 How much? 117 00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:36,000 A little. 118 00:04:36,060 --> 00:04:38,260 I'll take it. 119 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,960 Hey. so, I'm reading this, and, I got to say, 120 00:04:43,995 --> 00:04:45,630 This might be a little bit over my head. 121 00:04:45,700 --> 00:04:47,930 For one thing, I'm fairly certain 122 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,960 That if these contracts aren't executed precisely, 123 00:04:50,030 --> 00:04:52,960 We will be at war with portugal. 124 00:04:53,030 --> 00:04:54,130 Forget that. 125 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:55,460 That's a tuesday for me. 126 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:57,960 New shredder. 127 00:04:58,030 --> 00:05:00,630 This baby'll chew up a bicycle in 17 seconds. 128 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,500 From sky mall. it's all from sky mall. 129 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,330 Whenever I get upset, I shop at sky mall. 130 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:07,930 -Want a hot dog? -of course. 131 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,630 Why are you upset? 132 00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:13,030 Marshall, I'm about to tell you a secret 133 00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:15,030 That you can't tell anyone-- not ted, 134 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,060 Not robin, not lily. 135 00:05:17,130 --> 00:05:20,230 No. no, no, no, I don't want any more secrets, 136 00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:22,060 Especially now that I know what you guys did 137 00:05:22,130 --> 00:05:24,060 To the drinking water in lisbon. i... 138 00:05:24,130 --> 00:05:26,360 You are hearing this secret, marshall. 139 00:05:26,430 --> 00:05:28,430 I... I slept... 140 00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:31,030 Stop.. stop doing that. 141 00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:32,160 I slept... 142 00:05:36,030 --> 00:05:37,100 I slept with robin. 143 00:05:38,060 --> 00:05:40,530 You slept with robin? 144 00:05:48,660 --> 00:05:49,860 Are you mad at me? 145 00:05:49,930 --> 00:05:52,400 I don't know. 146 00:05:52,460 --> 00:05:54,030 How's the hot dog? 147 00:05:54,100 --> 00:05:55,500 It's helping. 148 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,730 You slept with robin?! 149 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,160 I... I cannot keep that secret. 150 00:05:59,195 --> 00:05:59,960 I mean, you know 151 00:05:59,995 --> 00:06:00,830 I at least have to tell lily. 152 00:06:00,900 --> 00:06:02,130 You can't. you can't tell anyone. 153 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,900 Attorney-client privilege. 154 00:06:03,935 --> 00:06:05,960 Why are you doing this to me?! 155 00:06:05,995 --> 00:06:08,460 Because I need you, Marshall, as my lawyer, 156 00:06:08,495 --> 00:06:10,300 to prove that I didn't do anying wrong. 157 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:12,400 How can I help you as your lawyer? 158 00:06:12,460 --> 00:06:14,830 You didn't break any laws, did you? 159 00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:18,900 Robin knows you slept with her, doesn't she? 160 00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,560 I didn't break any state or federal laws, 161 00:06:21,630 --> 00:06:25,130 but I think I broke a much, much higher law. 162 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,860 The Bro Code. 163 00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:30,460 For many years, 164 00:06:30,530 --> 00:06:32,200 we had heard Barneyquote the Bro Code, 165 00:06:32,260 --> 00:06:34,730 a list of do's and don'ts for all bros. 166 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,160 Some were basic. 167 00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:39,330 Bro Code article one:"Bros before hoes. 168 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,700 Some were unbelievably complicated. 169 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:44,030 Bro Code article 89: 170 00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:46,300 "The mom of a bro is always off limits, 171 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:50,600 "but the stepmom of a bro is fair game if she initiates it, 172 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,260 "and/or is wearing at least one a article 173 00:06:52,330 --> 00:06:54,130 of leopard print clothing. " 174 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,000 And some werejust plain disturbing. 175 00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:58,360 Bro Code article 34: 176 00:06:58,430 --> 00:07:02,530 "Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's three-way. " 177 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:04,960 Two dudes. 178 00:07:06,830 --> 00:07:09,200 This is not a legal docume.. 179 00:07:09,260 --> 00:07:10,530 This is just something you wrote. 180 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,800 You think I wrote that? 181 00:07:12,860 --> 00:07:14,360 Oh, Marshall, 182 00:07:14,430 --> 00:07:18,930 don't you know the glorious history of the Bro Code? 183 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,260 The year was 1776. 184 00:07:21,330 --> 00:07:23,230 The place: Philadelphia. 185 00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:26,030 Benjamin Franklin and George Washington were hangng a drink. 186 00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,960 But, bro, seriously, 187 00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:30,400 I called the dibs on that wench. 188 00:07:30,460 --> 00:07:33,400 You codpiece blocked me. 189 00:07:33,460 --> 00:07:34,600 So what if I did? 190 00:07:34,660 --> 00:07:35,830 There's no rule against it. 191 00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:37,130 Well, there should be. 192 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,130 There should be a set of rules that govern 193 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,600 the way bros comport themselves among other bros. 194 00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:43,630 But who shall write such a document? 195 00:07:43,700 --> 00:07:47,560 I have to go to Me, D. C., and pose for the dollar bill. 196 00:07:47,630 --> 00:07:50,160 And I have to do some kite-flying or setething. 197 00:07:50,230 --> 00:07:51,900 I shall write this set of rules. 198 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:55,260 And I shall inscribe it on theacack of the Constitution. 199 00:07:55,330 --> 00:07:57,760 To save paper. 200 00:07:57,830 --> 00:07:58,960 It's resolved! 201 00:07:59,030 --> 00:08:00,660 Barney Stinson shall write... 202 00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:02,700 the Bro Code. 203 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:05,800 And I shl l include a provision 204 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:08,960 that stateth no eye contact in a devil's three-way. 205 00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:10,000 -Seconded. -Seconded. 206 00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:15,200 Listen, what do you want me for? 207 00:08:15,260 --> 00:08:16,730 I've just been losing my mind lately, 208 00:08:16,765 --> 00:08:18,430 and do you know why I feel so bad? 209 00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:19,860 Yeah, because you slept with Robin. 210 00:08:19,930 --> 00:08:21,260 No, that was awesome. 211 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:23,730 I feel bad 212 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,730 because the Bro Code clearly states 213 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,660 "No sex with your bro's ex. " 214 00:08:27,730 --> 00:08:29,230 But if you, 215 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:32,030 my lawyer, can find a loophole somewhere, 216 00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:34,130 then that bad feeling will go bye-bye. 217 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,860 And you would pay me for that? 218 00:08:36,930 --> 00:08:39,100 No, I'll just be the one shredding your paperwork. 219 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:42,000 Technically, you'll be paid by a toy factory in Pyongyang. 220 00:08:42,060 --> 00:08:44,130 Barney, I'm no shrink, okay, 221 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,600 but don't you see that this is just a desperate way for you 222 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,660 to avoid an unpleasant confrontation with Ted? 223 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,530 Hey, if I wanted a psychological evaluation, 224 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,330 I'd hire the guy we pay 225 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,700 to hint notize us before depositions. 226 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,430 Now, get cracking! 227 00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:58,630 While Marshall examined the Bro Code, 228 00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:00,730 Lily's kindergarten class welcomed a special guest. 229 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,660 And with a little luck, in a few days, 230 00:09:03,730 --> 00:09:05,730 Farmer Frank's cold will be all gone. 231 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:09,360 And that's why Farmer Frank's breath smells like medicine. 232 00:09:09,430 --> 00:09:11,100 Right, Farmer Frank? 233 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,760 You got it, toots. 234 00:09:12,830 --> 00:09:15,730 Any last questions for Farmer Frank? Yes. 235 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,560 Will we ever go to see Missy the Goat again? 236 00:09:18,630 --> 00:09:20,130 Oh! Ah, isn't that sweet! 237 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:21,360 Well, you know, honey, 238 00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:22,960 right after this, 239 00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:25,400 I'm gonna drop old Missy off at the butcher shop. 240 00:09:25,460 --> 00:09:26,560 And they're going to take 241 00:09:26,630 --> 00:09:28,730 a great big knife... 242 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,260 And Frank went on to traumatize Lily's entire class 243 00:09:31,330 --> 00:09:33,400 with a graphic explanation of where meat comes from.. 244 00:09:33,460 --> 00:09:37,600 So not one little scrap of Missy goes to waste. 245 00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:41,400 Ms. Aldrin, please don't let emem eat Missy. 246 00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:51,130 I know, I know. 247 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,700 I already called an animal rescue, 248 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,800 and they're going to come get her on Monday. 249 00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:58,060 Monday?! Where's she going to sleep and eat 250 00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:00,100 and go to the bathroom?! 251 00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:04,900 Okay, where's she going to sleep and eat? 252 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,330 I-I guess I'll keep her up on the roof. 253 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:08,960 Look, call me crazy. I just... 254 00:10:09,030 --> 00:10:11,860 I don't think having a goat in the apartment is a good idea. 255 00:10:11,930 --> 00:10:14,260 And, boy, was I right, because what Missy the Goat 256 00:10:14,330 --> 00:10:17,400 would go on to do in that bathroom was so... 257 00:10:17,460 --> 00:10:18,530 No, you know what? 258 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,600 I'm m getting ahead of myself. 259 00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:22,130 We'll get there. 260 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,430 Hey, Ted. 261 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,130 You ready to, um... 262 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:27,700 Where'd the goat turd come from? 263 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,660 How'd you know that was a goat turd? 264 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:30,960 Well, it was either that, 265 00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:33,000 or a musk ox turd, 266 00:10:33,060 --> 00:10:35,460 and I figured, what the hell would a musk ox be doing in here? 267 00:10:35,530 --> 00:10:38,600 Hey. Guess what your wife brought home. 268 00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:40,330 Attorney-client privilege. I can't talk about it. 269 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:41,500 Talk about what? 270 00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:42,960 Nothing. 271 00:10:43,030 --> 00:10:44,500 How was your day? 272 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,460 Oh, goat turd on the floor, I see. Is that new? 273 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,760 How does everyone know that's a goat turd? 274 00:10:54,730 --> 00:10:56,260 -Barney told you. -I don't know what you're talking about, madam. 275 00:10:56,330 --> 00:10:58,330 Marshall, 276 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,330 you can't look me in the eye, you're blushing, 277 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:01,460 coughing, 278 00:11:01,530 --> 00:11:02,760 and your hands are shaking. 279 00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:04,500 come here. 280 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,330 Ted is never finding out about this, you understand? 281 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,230 Because it never happened, none of us are saying anything. 282 00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:11,900 And don't even think about opening that can 283 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,030 until I'm out of the splash zone. 284 00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:29,260 fantastic, you're here. 285 00:11:29,330 --> 00:11:31,130 Give me the good news. 286 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,760 I'm sorry. 287 00:11:32,830 --> 00:11:33,900 You did too good of a job writing this thing. 288 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,600 It's-it's iron-clad. 289 00:11:35,660 --> 00:11:37,260 No! 290 00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:38,360 Bad lawyer! 291 00:11:38,430 --> 00:11:40,260 I need a loophole! 292 00:11:40,330 --> 00:11:42,160 I want to feel better, Marshall! 293 00:11:42,230 --> 00:11:43,960 I can't keep buying things! 294 00:11:44,030 --> 00:11:46,600 I have six self-cleaning litterboxes 295 00:11:46,660 --> 00:11:48,030 and I don't even have a kid. 296 00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:50,160 Wait. How about this? 297 00:11:50,230 --> 00:11:52,500 Ted's probably broken this thing himself, right? 298 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:54,430 And if he's broken the Bro Code, 299 00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:55,600 then I'm off the hook. 300 00:11:55,660 --> 00:11:56,760 I thought about that. 301 00:11:56,830 --> 00:11:58,760 And I gotta say, 302 00:11:58,830 --> 00:12:01,160 Ted has upheld this thing time and time again. 303 00:12:01,230 --> 00:12:02,700 For example, article 87: 304 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:06,430 "A bro shall at all times say yes. " 305 00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,860 So he saved you from an avalanche? 306 00:12:08,930 --> 00:12:10,530 Yes. 307 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:14,130 And he carried you six miles to safety on his broken leg? 308 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,400 Yes. 309 00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:17,860 And you're a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer 310 00:12:17,930 --> 00:12:20,230 who used to be a member of the Russian mob? 311 00:12:24,330 --> 00:12:26,260 Da. 312 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:27,830 Article 29 313 00:12:27,900 --> 00:12:30,930 "A bro will in a timely manner alert his bro 314 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,600 to the existence of a girl fight. " 315 00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:35,200 Dude, two girls are fighting at MacLaren's. 316 00:12:35,260 --> 00:12:37,930 What?! 317 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,500 Yeah, yeah. 318 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,100 It was crazy. This one girl was like... 319 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:44,460 Oh, hey. 320 00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:46,230 Hey. 321 00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:47,600 Article 53: 322 00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:49,960 "A bro will, whenever possible, 323 00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:52,030 provide his bro with protection. " 324 00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:54,000 That feels nice. 325 00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:56,000 Good. 326 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,400 I just wish we had some wine. 327 00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:05,730 Yeah. 328 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,160 I wish we had some wine, too. 329 00:13:13,430 --> 00:13:14,860 damn it, Marshall. 330 00:13:14,930 --> 00:13:16,860 I'm not paying you to tell me what a saint Ted is! 331 00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:17,800 You're my lawyer! 332 00:13:17,860 --> 00:13:20,000 The answer is in there! Find it! 333 00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:22,060 Okay, this isn't about the Bro Code, and you know it. 334 00:13:22,130 --> 00:13:25,200 The reason that you're upset is because what you did was wrong. 335 00:13:25,260 --> 00:13:26,530 And the only way you're ever gonna feel 336 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,300 any better about it is if you tell Ted what you did. 337 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,700 What if he never wants to talk to me again? 338 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,530 Well, I guess that's just a chance 339 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,330 you're gonna have to take. 340 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,460 Which brings us to April 25, 2008. 341 00:13:38,530 --> 00:13:40,230 My 30th birthday, 342 00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:42,930 or as it would come to be referred to in later years: 343 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,630 The Day of the Goat. 344 00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:45,960 Hey, where are you? 345 00:13:46,030 --> 00:13:47,530 I'm in the limo, right outside ofeded's office. 346 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:48,830 Great. Well, everyone's here. 347 00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:50,300 Stella just arrived 348 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,630 and there is something here so awesome, 349 00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:55,460 I'm not going to tell you what it is, but you won't believe... 350 00:13:55,530 --> 00:13:56,500 Goat in a party hat? 351 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:57,660 Damn it! 352 00:13:57,730 --> 00:14:00,000 Well, you still gotta see it. 353 00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:02,660 It's so much fun having a goat at a party! 354 00:14:02,730 --> 00:14:04,000 In a few short hours, 355 00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:05,960 Lily would come to regret those words. 356 00:14:06,860 --> 00:14:08,100 But we'll get there. 357 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,860 Uh, gotta go. Here he comes. 358 00:14:09,930 --> 00:14:11,000 Okay. Bye. 359 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,100 Whoa, you guys went all out. 360 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,160 Okay, everyone, Ted's in the limo, five-minute warning! 361 00:14:17,230 --> 00:14:18,260 Everyone get ready! 362 00:14:18,330 --> 00:14:21,460 Oh, Missy, are you excited? 363 00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:24,830 Yes, you are! 364 00:14:27,030 --> 00:14:28,560 Whoa, we're leaving the city. 365 00:14:28,630 --> 00:14:29,630 Where the hell is this party? 366 00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:31,460 Vegas. 367 00:14:36,860 --> 00:14:38,700 Vegas? I thought the party was on the rooftop. 368 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:39,430 Surprise! 369 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:40,900 Just a decoy, my friend. 370 00:14:41,030 --> 00:14:42,430 So there's no roof party? 371 00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:43,630 Oh, no. There is. We're just not going. 372 00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:45,530 This is how good a friend I am. 373 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,900 They want you to spent your 30th standing around 374 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,960 drinking flat beer ten feet above your living room. 375 00:14:50,030 --> 00:14:51,330 But not me, bro. 376 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,230 I pulled out all the stops. 377 00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:56,660 Private jet, Valderrama suite at the Bellagio. 378 00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:58,300 Steaks at BOA, 379 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:02,000 scotch at Ghostbar, then two ringside seats 380 00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:04,100 to watch Floyd Mayatather go ten rounds with, 381 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:05,260 wait for it... 382 00:15:05,330 --> 00:15:06,400 a grizzly bear! 383 00:15:06,460 --> 00:15:09,000 Take me home, Barney. 384 00:15:09,060 --> 00:15:10,030 No! 385 00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:11,630 We have to go to Vegas. 386 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,300 Look, Ted, I didn't want to say this, but... 387 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:17,660 there's something that I have to tell you, 388 00:15:17,730 --> 00:15:19,430 and I wanted you to be 389 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,300 in the best possible frame of mind before you heard it. 390 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,400 You slept with Robin. 391 00:15:26,060 --> 00:15:27,030 Ranjit! 392 00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,330 You slept with Robin? 393 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:32,130 Barney! That is Ted's ex-girlfriend! 394 00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,200 When did you find out? 395 00:15:41,460 --> 00:15:42,830 Hey, Robin. Come here! 396 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,560 What's up? 397 00:15:44,630 --> 00:15:47,100 I was, uh, just going through some old stuff 398 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,130 -and I... -Oh, crap! 399 00:15:51,930 --> 00:15:53,530 Anyway, uh, 400 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:54,960 I came across this. 401 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,660 -From my vacacation in Vermont. -Yeah. 402 00:15:58,730 --> 00:16:00,630 I don't know if you'd even want it, but if you do, it's yours. 403 00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:02,130 I slept with Barney! 404 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,560 What? 405 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:05,300 It was just one time, 406 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,560 it, it was the night that Simon dumped me 407 00:16:07,630 --> 00:16:09,300 and I was in a really vulnerable place 408 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,430 and I, I wand d to just pretend like it never happened, 409 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,300 but I couldn't, and... 410 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,030 I can't. 411 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:19,300 I just, I had to tell you. 412 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,930 And... 413 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,800 I just hope that we can still be friends. 414 00:16:23,860 --> 00:16:26,460 Of course we can still be friends. 415 00:16:26,530 --> 00:16:28,130 So you're not mad? 416 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:29,830 Well, I'm... 417 00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:31,830 it's a little weird, but, um, 418 00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:33,960 No, I'm not mad. 419 00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:40,660 So you're not mad? 420 00:16:40,730 --> 00:16:42,930 No, I'm not mad. 421 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,960 I mean, Robin and I broke up a year ago. 422 00:16:45,030 --> 00:16:47,330 We've, we've both dated lots of people since then. 423 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:48,700 I'm with Stella now. 424 00:16:50,060 --> 00:16:51,630 Seriously, I... I'm fine with this. 425 00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,860 I'm so relieved to hear you say that. 426 00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:56,700 Yeah. Yeah. 427 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,460 Oh, hey, I just remembered, um, 428 00:16:58,530 --> 00:17:00,530 my mom is coming into town next month. 429 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,960 Maybe you'd like to nail her, too! 430 00:17:03,030 --> 00:17:05,000 Where are they?! I'm getting a cramp. 431 00:17:05,060 --> 00:17:08,160 Marshall, can we keep the goat? 432 00:17:08,230 --> 00:17:09,900 No. 433 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,860 -But she's so cute and furry and soft. -Yeah, 434 00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:13,730 and she also sheds, eats out of the garbage 435 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:14,860 and can't control her bobowels. 436 00:17:14,930 --> 00:17:16,500 Why don't we just call Duluth Mental Hospital 437 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,800 and say my Uncle Linus can live with us? 438 00:17:18,860 --> 00:17:20,530 Yeah, Lily, that may seem like a good idea 439 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,330 after a couple of drinks but tomorrow morning 440 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,060 you're going to want this thing out of your house. 441 00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:26,200 Oh, you should talk. You slept with Barney. 442 00:17:26,260 --> 00:17:26,900 Marshall! 443 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:27,930 I'm sorry! 444 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,300 I couldn't take it anymore. 445 00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:31,200 I can't believe you did that. 446 00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:32,800 That's so gross. 447 00:17:32,860 --> 00:17:34,730 Was it amazing? 448 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,430 What? I... 449 00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:38,460 Lily, I really don't want to talk about this. 450 00:17:38,530 --> 00:17:40,500 I know but it's Barney. 451 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,200 It's just hard not to be curious. 452 00:17:43,530 --> 00:17:45,330 Did he have like devices and stuff? 453 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,700 Lily, come on. 454 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:47,930 -Hot wax? -Stop it. 455 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:48,930 Did he tie you to anything? 456 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,300 -That's enough. -What's wrong with you? 457 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,160 I'm sorry. 458 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,560 Is he all smooth down there? 459 00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:01,660 Three billion women on the planet! 460 00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:03,630 Three billion! 461 00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:05,700 And you have to sleep with the one that I dated for a year! 462 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,100 Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! 463 00:18:08,135 --> 00:18:08,400 Robin?! 464 00:18:08,460 --> 00:18:09,960 You think I'm proud of this?! 465 00:18:10,030 --> 00:18:11,830 I'm horrified that this happened. 466 00:18:11,900 --> 00:18:13,260 How did it happen? Huh? 467 00:18:13,330 --> 00:18:14,730 Barney, I want to know. 468 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,900 Tell me exactly how it happened. 469 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,760 You mean... 470 00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:20,360 what position? 471 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:21,330 Okay. 472 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,260 Stop it! 473 00:18:23,330 --> 00:18:24,760 Stop it. 474 00:18:24,830 --> 00:18:24,900 -Hit him! Hit him, -Ted! Stop! 475 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,360 -Hit him! -Stop! 476 00:18:27,430 --> 00:18:28,300 -Hit him! -Okay. 477 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:29,800 Okay. Okay. 478 00:18:29,860 --> 00:18:31,130 You're pissed. 479 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:32,260 You deserve to be. 480 00:18:32,330 --> 00:18:33,300 Fine. You know what? 481 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,300 One free shot. On me. 482 00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:36,900 Anywhere but the face. 483 00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:44,960 Who punches someone in the groin? 484 00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:48,030 Okay. Okay. 485 00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:51,660 I deserved that. 486 00:18:51,730 --> 00:18:53,700 But what's important now is... 487 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,960 we're passed this whole Robin thing now, right? 488 00:18:57,030 --> 00:18:58,960 You think that this is just about Robin? 489 00:18:59,030 --> 00:19:00,600 This is about... 490 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:04,100 You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. 491 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,500 I mean some really terrible stuff 492 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,030 to a lot of different people. 493 00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:10,230 I just always thought there had to be a limit. 494 00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:12,460 I always thought I was the limit. 495 00:19:12,530 --> 00:19:16,860 You're always spouting off these rules for bros. 496 00:19:16,895 --> 00:19:19,100 Isn't one of them, "don't do this"? 497 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,400 Yeah. And I broke it. 498 00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:23,260 I'm sorry. 499 00:19:24,630 --> 00:19:25,760 But, Ted... 500 00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:29,260 ... seriously, this suite at the Bellagio... 501 00:19:29,330 --> 00:19:31,500 I am not going to Vegas with you! 502 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:32,960 I'm not going to blow off my friends 503 00:19:33,030 --> 00:19:34,760 and my girlfriend, 504 00:19:34,860 --> 00:19:37,230 and spend my 30th birthday in a strip club. 505 00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:39,130 The fact that you think I would... 506 00:19:40,830 --> 00:19:42,700 You know, Barney, earlier this week 507 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,400 I started putting things in a box 508 00:19:44,460 --> 00:19:47,330 and that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore. " 509 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,260 What does that mean? 510 00:19:49,330 --> 00:19:51,130 It means... 511 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,200 maybe you belong in that box. 512 00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,130 Are you saying you dnon't want to be bros anymore? 513 00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:00,600 I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore. 514 00:20:02,130 --> 00:20:04,600 Okay, I'm going to stop you right there, 515 00:20:04,660 --> 00:20:07,300 because it seems like you're about to say something 516 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,000 that's going to pretty much ruin Vegas. 517 00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:10,660 Ranjit, stop the car. 518 00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:14,030 I'm getting a cab. 519 00:20:50,430 --> 00:20:53,000 Surprise! 520 00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:02,130 Oh, right, the goat. 521 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,600 So funny. You're going to love this. 522 00:21:03,660 --> 00:21:06,700 So later in that night, the goat locked himself in the bathroom 523 00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:08,600 and was eating oneof Robin's washcloths and 524 00:21:08,660 --> 00:21:10,230 wait, hold on. 525 00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:12,160 Robin wasn't living here on my 30th birthday. 526 00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:13,560 When did this happen? 527 00:21:13,630 --> 00:21:16,930 Oh, wait, the goat was there on my 31st birthday. 528 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,760 Sorry, I totally got that wrong.