1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:01,600
Well, kids, here we are.
2
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,700
We've arrived.
My 30th birthday.
3
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:06,600
The long-awaited story of...
4
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:09,200
...the goat.
5
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,000
That week started
just like any other.
6
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:13,800
Barney woke up
in some girl's bed.
7
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,000
In my experience,
the way this normally goes is,
8
00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:22,000
we lie here for a while,
9
00:00:22,300 --> 00:00:24,500
make a little awkward chitchat.
10
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:26,600
Check.
11
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,500
Then I make up
some Cabinet meeting,
12
00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,100
heart surgery, rocket test flight
I've got to be at,
13
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:35,000
slip out of the apartment
and never call you again.
14
00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:37,700
And later at the bar,
you tell your good friend Robin
15
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,300
the story of your latest conquest,
and she thinks to herself,
16
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,400
"Who is this sad,
self-loathing idiot
17
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,900
who climbed into bed
with Barney Stinson?"
18
00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:50,400
Actually, you usually
say that out loud.
19
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:54,700
So...
20
00:00:57,300 --> 00:01:00,500
I just slept with
my best friend's ex-girlfriend.
21
00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:04,000
And I just slept with
my ex-boyfriend's really good friend.
22
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Best friend.
23
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:09,800
Okay, here's the deal, Barney.
24
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:12,200
The second my feet
touch the ground,
25
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:14,800
- this never happened.
- Okay.
26
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:16,900
Wait.
27
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:21,200
Right click, save as...
Into the .bpeg folder, and okay.
28
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,000
This never happened.
29
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,200
It's a good plan.
30
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,800
Now we go back to exactly
the way things were before.
31
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- Okay.
- Okay.
32
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:31,800
Alright.
33
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:34,400
So, Robin?
34
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:36,500
Yes, Barney?
35
00:01:36,900 --> 00:01:39,600
Guess who nailed the chick from
Metro News One last night?
36
00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:47,800
Sync by vNaru
37
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,100
Okay, uh,
let me take a shower,
38
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:02,800
till June,
39
00:02:02,900 --> 00:02:05,900
and, since you were never here to begin
with, you won't be here when I get out.
40
00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:07,300
- Okay.
- Okay.
41
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,100
This never happened.
44
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,000
But pretending it never happened
wouldn't be that easy.
45
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:21,500
So, tell us,
what was it like?
46
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:24,100
- What?
- Penetrating that barrier.
47
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,000
You and I are the first ones
to hit it.
48
00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:30,000
Well, not the first ones, certainly,
but the first ones at this table.
49
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:33,400
I... I... I...
I'm... I'm...
50
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,200
Although, I'm gonna be
hitting it pretty soon.
51
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:37,200
Yeah, you are.
52
00:02:37,300 --> 00:02:39,800
Yeah, and when I hit it,
I'm going to go nuts.
53
00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:43,300
It's gonna be all night,
and I think I want a clown there.
54
00:02:43,700 --> 00:02:46,100
I'm a little bit scared of clowns,
but for you, I'm there.
55
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,500
What are you taking about?!
56
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,100
The big three-oh.
57
00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:52,300
You know,
my 30th birthday's this Friday.
58
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:53,400
Did you forget?
59
00:02:53,500 --> 00:02:54,900
What kind of friend is this guy?
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00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:56,700
Ha-ha, right.
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00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,000
A great friend, by the way.
The best.
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00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:02,700
Is it my imagination,
or are these drinks getting smaller?
63
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,700
If this were a doctor's office,
they'd say, "Try again."
64
00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:08,900
How you doing there, Robin?
65
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:10,300
I'm good.
66
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,200
Oh, so, I made a decision. I'm going
to go through all my old stuff,
67
00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:15,800
and I'm getting rid of anything
I have no use for anymore.
68
00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:17,400
Barney, you want my Xbox?
69
00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:19,500
Ted, she has a name!
70
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,300
And just what
are you accusing me of?
71
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:24,100
Liking video games?
72
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,000
I'm gonna get a drink.
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00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:27,500
I'll come with you.
74
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:29,200
God, this is awkward.
75
00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:32,000
- What is?
- Being around Ted.
76
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:33,100
Why?
77
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,300
Because of our thing.
78
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:35,500
What thing?
79
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:37,500
You're really gonna pretend
this never happened?
80
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,000
What never happened?
81
00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:43,100
What are you guys
talking about?
82
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:44,100
Nothing.
83
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,800
Guys, cut the act.
I know.
84
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,900
I know about the surprise party
you guys are throwing me.
85
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,900
Marshall let it slip earlier today.
86
00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:56,900
Hey, I'll totally act surprised
and everything. Just...
87
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,000
be sure to invite Stella.
88
00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:01,600
Stella!
You have a serious girlfriend now!
89
00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:04,500
You're over this one.
Robin who, right?
90
00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:09,000
Stella makes this one look like a
filthy bag of garbage, am I right?
91
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:11,900
Happy birthday, bro.
92
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:18,800
- Hello.
- Hey, Marshall,
93
00:04:18,900 --> 00:04:19,900
I need your help.
94
00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:22,400
Yeah, I'm kind of real focused
on the job hunt right now.
95
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,100
I know. I want to hire you.
96
00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:27,400
For the last time, Barney,
I will not be your butler.
97
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,600
I need a lawyer.
I'll pay you.
98
00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:32,400
How much?
99
00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:34,900
- A little.
- I'll take it.
100
00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:41,700
So, I'm reading this, and,
I got to say,
101
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,600
this might be a little bit
over my head.
102
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:44,800
For one thing,
103
00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:48,300
I'm fairly certain that if these
contracts aren't executed precisely,
104
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,500
we will be at war
with Portugal.
105
00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:53,500
Forget that.
That's a Tuesday for me.
106
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:56,300
New shredder.
107
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,500
This baby'll chew up
a bicycle in 17 seconds.
108
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,100
From Sky Mall.
It's all from Sky Mall.
109
00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:04,000
Whenever I get upset,
I shop at Sky Mall.
110
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,700
- Want a hot dog?
- Of course.
111
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:07,900
Why are you upset?
112
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:09,600
Marshall,
113
00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,200
I'm about to tell you a secret
114
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:15,400
that you can't tell anyone...
not Ted, not Robin, not Lily.
115
00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:18,200
No. No, no, no,
I don't want any more secrets,
116
00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:21,500
especially now that I know what you guys
did to the drinking water in Lisbon.
117
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:24,100
You are hearing
this secret, Marshall.
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00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,000
- I... I slept...
- Lala-bo da-boh
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00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:27,900
- Stop... Stop doing that.
- La la la, la la!
120
00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:31,500
- I slept...
- Laba-da bay-doh
121
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,600
Hicka-ba-ta-bo...
122
00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:34,800
I slept with Robin.
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00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,200
You slept with Robin?
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00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,000
Are you mad at me?
125
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,100
I don't know.
126
00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:55,600
- How's the hot dog?
- It's helping.
127
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,700
You slept with Robin?!
128
00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,100
I cannot keep that secret.
129
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,100
I mean, you know
I at least have to tell Lily.
130
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,500
You can't. You can't tell anyone.
Attorney-client privilege.
131
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,700
Why are you doing this to me?!
132
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,500
Because I need you, Marshall,
as my lawyer,
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00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,200
to prove that
I didn't do anything wrong.
134
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,200
How can I help you
as your lawyer?
135
00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:14,600
You didn't break
any laws, did you?
136
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:17,400
Robin knows you slept with her,
doesn't she?
137
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,900
I didn't break any state
or federal laws,
138
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:25,300
but I think I broke a much,
much higher law.
139
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,000
The Bro Code.
140
00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,200
For many years, we had heard
Barney quote the Bro Code,
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00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,700
a list of do's and
don'ts for all bros.
142
00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:36,500
Some were basic.
143
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,200
Bro Code article one:
"Bros before hoes."
144
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,300
Some were
unbelievably complicated.
145
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:46,300
Bro Code article 89:
"The mom of a bro is always off limits,
146
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:50,500
"but the stepmom of a bro
is fair game if she initiates it,
147
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:54,200
"and/or is wearing at least
one article of leopard print clothing."
148
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:56,500
And some were just
plain disturbing.
149
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,900
Bro Code article 34:
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00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,600
"Bros cannot make eye contact
during a devil's three-way."
151
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,000
Two dudes.
152
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:10,700
This is not a legal document.
This is just something you wrote.
153
00:07:10,900 --> 00:07:12,200
You think I wrote that?
154
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,300
Oh, Marshall,
155
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:19,100
don't you know the glorious
history of the Bro Code?
156
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,700
The year was 1776.
157
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,500
The place: Philadelphia.
158
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,100
Benjamin Franklin and George Washington
were having a drink.
159
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:30,600
But, bro, seriously,
I called dibs on that wench.
160
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,100
You codpiece blocked me.
161
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:36,000
So what if I did?
There's no rule against it.
162
00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:37,400
Well, there should be.
163
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,600
There should be a set of rules
that govern the way bros
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00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:41,600
comport themselves
among other bros.
165
00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:44,200
But who shall write such a document?
166
00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:47,500
I have to go to Me, D.C.,
and pose for the dollar bill.
167
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:50,300
And I have to do some
kite-flying or something.
168
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,500
I shall write this set of rules.
169
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,400
And I shall inscribe it
on the back of the Constitution.
170
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,200
To save paper.
171
00:07:58,100 --> 00:07:59,300
It's resolved!
172
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,400
Barnabas Stinson shall write...
173
00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:02,600
the Bro Code.
174
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,700
And I shall include a provision
175
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,900
that stateth no eye contact
in a devil's three-way.
176
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,000
- Seconded.
- Seconded.
177
00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:15,100
Listen, what do you want me for?
178
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,200
I've just been losing
my mind lately,
179
00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:18,600
and do you know
why I feel so bad?
180
00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:20,300
Yeah, because
you slept with Robin.
181
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,800
No, that was awesome.
182
00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:23,700
I feel bad
183
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:27,900
because the Bro Code clearly states
"No sex with your bro's ex."
184
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,800
But if you, my lawyer,
185
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:34,300
can find a loophole somewhere,
then that bad feeling will go bye-bye.
186
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:36,800
And you would pay me for that?
187
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,200
No, I'll just be the one
shredding your paperwork.
188
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:42,000
Technically, you'll be paid
by a toy factory in Pyongyang.
189
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,300
Barney, I'm no shrink, okay,
190
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,400
but don't you see that this is just
a desperate way for you to avoid
191
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:49,700
an unpleasant
confrontation with Ted?
192
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:52,200
If I wanted
a psychological evaluation,
193
00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:54,900
I'd hire the guy we pay
to hypnotize us before depositions.
194
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,700
Now, get cracking!
195
00:08:56,900 --> 00:08:58,700
While Marshall examined
the Bro Code,
196
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,400
Lily's kindergarten class
welcomed a special guest.
197
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,700
And with a little luck,
in a few days,
198
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,900
Farmer Frank's cold
will be all gone.
199
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,400
And that's why Farmer Frank's
breath smells like medicine.
200
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,700
- Right, Farmer Frank?
- You got it, toots.
201
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,700
Any last questions
for Farmer Frank? Yes.
202
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,500
Will we ever get to see
Missy the Goat again?
203
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:20,500
Ah, isn't that sweet!
204
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,900
Well, you know, honey,
right after this,
205
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:25,300
I'm gonna drop old Missy off
at the butcher shop.
206
00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:28,400
And they're going to take
a great big knife...
207
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:31,000
And Frank went on to traumatize
Lily's entire class
208
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:33,600
with a graphic explanation
of where meat comes from.
209
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,600
So not one little scrap
of Missy goes to waste.
210
00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:41,500
Ms. Aldrin,
please don't let them eat Missy.
211
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,300
I know, I know.
I already called an animal rescue,
212
00:09:53,500 --> 00:09:55,700
and they're going to come
get her on Monday.
213
00:09:56,100 --> 00:10:00,000
Monday?! Where's she going to sleep
and eat and go to the bathroom?!
214
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,800
Okay, where's she going
to sleep and eat?
215
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,500
I-I guess I'll keep her
up on the roof.
216
00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:09,700
Look, call me crazy. I just...
217
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,900
I don't think having a goat
in the apartment is a good idea.
218
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,700
And, boy, was I right,
219
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:19,100
because what Missy the Goat would go
on to do in that bathroom was so...
220
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,200
No, you know what?
I'm getting ahead of myself.
221
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,300
We'll get there.
222
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:24,400
- Hey, Ted.
- Hey.
223
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:26,300
You ready to, um...
224
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:28,300
Where'd the goat turd come from?
225
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,000
How'd you know
that was a goat turd?
226
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:33,100
Well, it was either that,
or a musk ox turd, and I figured,
227
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,600
what the hell would
a musk ox be doing in here?
228
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:38,500
Guess what your wife
brought home.
229
00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:40,800
Attorney-client privilege.
I can't talk about it.
230
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,100
Talk about what?
231
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,200
Nothing.
How was your day?
232
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:46,500
Oh, goat turd on the floor, I see.
Is that new?
233
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,500
How does everyone know
that's a goat turd?
234
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:56,200
Barney told you.
235
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:58,200
I don't know what
you're talking about, madam.
236
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,000
Marshall, you can't look
me in the eye,
237
00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:02,700
you're blushing, coughing,
and your hands are shaking.
238
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:04,500
Hey, Robin, come here.
239
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:08,000
Ted is never finding out about this,
you understand?
240
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:10,500
Because it never happened,
none of us are saying anything.
241
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:14,900
And don't even think about opening that
can until I'm out of the splash zone.
242
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,000
Oh, fantastic, you're here.
243
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:31,300
Give me the good news.
244
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,900
I'm sorry. You did too good
of a job writing this thing.
245
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,500
It's-it's iron-clad.
246
00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:38,400
No!
Bad lawyer!
247
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,500
I need a loophole!
248
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,200
I want to feel better, Marshall!
I can't keep buying things!
249
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:48,000
I have six self-cleaning litterboxes
and I don't even have a kid.
250
00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:50,600
Wait...
How about this?
251
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,600
Ted's probably broken
this thing himself, right?
252
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:55,600
And if he's broken the Bro Code,
then I'm off the hook.
253
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:58,400
I thought about that.
And I gotta say,
254
00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:01,700
Ted has upheld this thing
time and time again.
255
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,800
For example, article 87:
256
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:06,400
"A bro shall at all times say yes."
257
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,100
So he saved you
from an avalanche?
258
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:09,900
Yes.
259
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:14,000
And he carried you six miles
to safety on his broken leg?
260
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:15,200
Yes.
261
00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:18,000
And you're a pre-op transsexual
nightclub singer
262
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,200
who used to be a member
of the Russian Mob?
263
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:25,200
Da.
264
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:27,900
Article 29:
265
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:32,500
"A bro will in a timely manner alert his
bro to the existence of a girl fight."
266
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:35,300
Dude, two girls are fighting
at MacLaren's.
267
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:36,100
What?!
268
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:43,500
Yeah, yeah. It was crazy.
This one girl was like...
269
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:47,900
Article 53:
270
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:52,100
"A bro will, whenever possible,
provide his bro with protection."
271
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:55,300
- That feels nice.
- Good.
272
00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:04,300
I just wish
we had some wine.
273
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:05,300
Yeah.
274
00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:07,500
I wish we had
some wine, too.
275
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,100
Damn it, Marshall.
276
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,100
I'm not paying you to tell me
what a saint Ted is! You're my lawyer!
277
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,000
The answer is in there!
Find it!
278
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,100
Okay, this isn't about the Bro Code,
and you know it.
279
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:25,400
The reason that you're upset
is because what you did was wrong.
280
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,400
And the only way you're ever
gonna feel any better about it
281
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,100
is if you tell Ted what you did.
282
00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:31,600
What if he never wants
to talk to me again?
283
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,600
Well, I guess that's just a chance
you're gonna have to take.
284
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,100
Which brings us
to April 25, 2008.
285
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:39,700
My 30th birthday,
286
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,800
or as it would come
to be referred to in later years:
287
00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:44,900
The Day of the Goat.
288
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:45,900
Hey, where are you?
289
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,700
I'm in the limo, right outside
of Ted's office.
290
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,300
Great. Well, everyone's here.
Stella just arrived
291
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,700
and there is something here
so awesome,
292
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,500
I'm not going to tell you what it is,
but you won't believe...
293
00:13:55,700 --> 00:13:57,800
- Goat in a party hat?
- Damn it!
294
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:00,000
Well, you still gotta see it.
295
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:02,500
It's so much fun
having a goat at a party!
296
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:06,100
In a few short hours,
Lily would come to regret those words.
297
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,500
But we'll get there.
298
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:09,900
Uh, gotta go.
Here he comes.
299
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:10,700
Okay, bye.
300
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,100
- Hey.
- Hey.
301
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:14,500
Whoa, you guys went all out.
302
00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:17,600
Okay, everyone, Ted's in the limo,
five-minute warning!
303
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:19,100
Everyone get ready!
304
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,500
Oh, Missy, are you excited?
305
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,700
Yes, you are!
306
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,800
Whoa, we're leaving the city
307
00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:30,700
where the hell is this party?
308
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:31,600
Vegas.
309
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,900
Vegas? I thought
the party was on the rooftop.
310
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,000
Surprise!
Just a decoy, my friend.
311
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:44,200
So there's no roof party?
312
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,400
Oh, no. There is.
We're just not going.
313
00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:47,800
This is how good a friend I am.
314
00:14:47,900 --> 00:14:50,900
They want you to spend your 30th
standing around drinking flat beer
315
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,900
ten feet above your living room.
But not me, bro.
316
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,600
I pulled out all the stops.
317
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:59,100
Private jet,
Valderrama suite at the Bellagio.
318
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:02,300
Steaks at BOA,
scotch at Ghostbar,
319
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,400
then two ringside seats
to watch Floyd Mayweather
320
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,600
go ten rounds with,
wait for it...
321
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:09,900
a grizzly bear!
322
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,300
- Take me home, Barney.
- No!
323
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,200
We have to go to Vegas.
324
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,200
Look, Ted, I didn't want
to say this, but...
325
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,500
there's something that I have
to tell you, and I wanted you to be
326
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,700
in the best possible frame of mind
before you heard it.
327
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,400
You slept with Robin.
328
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:31,000
- Ranjit!
- You slept with Robin?
329
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:34,100
Barney! That is Ted's ex-girlfriend!
330
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,200
When did you find out?
331
00:15:43,713 --> 00:15:45,313
Hey, Robin. Come here!
332
00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:46,913
What's up?
333
00:15:47,013 --> 00:15:49,313
I was, uh, just going through
some old stuff and I...
334
00:15:49,413 --> 00:15:50,913
Oh, crap!
335
00:15:54,613 --> 00:15:57,013
Anyway, uh,
I came across this.
336
00:15:57,513 --> 00:16:00,513
Oh, wow.
From our vacation in Vermont.
337
00:16:00,913 --> 00:16:02,713
I don't know if you'd even want it,
but if you do, it's yours.
338
00:16:02,813 --> 00:16:04,013
I slept with Barney!
339
00:16:04,613 --> 00:16:05,313
What?
340
00:16:06,613 --> 00:16:08,213
It was just one time, it wa...
341
00:16:08,313 --> 00:16:12,213
it was the night that Simon dumped me
and I was in a really vulnerable place
342
00:16:12,313 --> 00:16:15,213
I wanted to just pretend like it
never happened, but
343
00:16:15,313 --> 00:16:17,613
I couldn't, and... I can't.
344
00:16:18,413 --> 00:16:21,113
I just, I had to tell you.
345
00:16:23,413 --> 00:16:25,413
I just hope that
we can still be friends.
346
00:16:26,913 --> 00:16:28,213
Of course we can still be friends.
347
00:16:28,813 --> 00:16:29,913
So you're not mad?
348
00:16:30,813 --> 00:16:32,013
Well, I'm...
349
00:16:32,113 --> 00:16:34,413
it's a little weird, but, um...
350
00:16:35,213 --> 00:16:36,513
No, I'm not mad.
351
00:16:41,613 --> 00:16:43,013
So you're not mad?
352
00:16:43,213 --> 00:16:45,013
No, I'm not mad.
353
00:16:45,413 --> 00:16:47,613
I mean, Robin and I
broke up a year ago.
354
00:16:47,713 --> 00:16:49,813
We've both dated
lots of people since then.
355
00:16:49,913 --> 00:16:51,413
I'm with Stella now.
356
00:16:51,613 --> 00:16:54,013
Seriously,
I... I'm fine with this.
357
00:16:55,213 --> 00:16:57,413
I'm so relieved
to hear you say that.
358
00:16:57,513 --> 00:16:58,913
Yeah. Yeah.
359
00:16:59,013 --> 00:17:02,113
Oh, hey, I just remembered, um,
my mom is coming into town next month.
360
00:17:02,213 --> 00:17:04,813
Maybe you'd like
to nail her, too!
361
00:17:05,513 --> 00:17:07,613
Where are they?!
I'm getting a cramp.
362
00:17:07,713 --> 00:17:10,013
Marshall, can we keep the goat?
363
00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:11,113
No.
364
00:17:11,413 --> 00:17:13,513
But she's so cute and furry and soft.
365
00:17:13,613 --> 00:17:16,213
Yeah, and she also sheds,
eats out of the garbage and
366
00:17:16,313 --> 00:17:18,813
can't control her bowels. Why don't
we just call Duluth Mental Hospital
367
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:20,413
and say my Uncle Linus
can live with us?
368
00:17:20,713 --> 00:17:23,313
Yeah, Lily, that may seem like
a good idea after a couple of drinks
369
00:17:23,413 --> 00:17:25,813
but tomorrow morning you're going
to want this thing out of your house.
370
00:17:26,013 --> 00:17:28,213
Oh, you should talk.
You slept with Barney.
371
00:17:28,313 --> 00:17:29,913
- Marshall!
- I'm sorry!
372
00:17:30,013 --> 00:17:31,413
I couldn't take it anymore.
373
00:17:31,513 --> 00:17:35,113
I can't believe you did that.
That's so gross.
374
00:17:35,213 --> 00:17:36,313
Was it amazing?
375
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:40,313
What? I... Lily, really don't want
to talk about this.
376
00:17:40,513 --> 00:17:45,213
I know, but it's Barney.
It's just hard not to be curious.
377
00:17:45,613 --> 00:17:47,313
Did he have like devices and stuff?
378
00:17:47,413 --> 00:17:48,313
Lily, come on.
379
00:17:48,413 --> 00:17:49,813
- Hot wax?
- Stop it.
380
00:17:49,913 --> 00:17:51,613
- Did he tie you to anything?
- That's enough.
381
00:17:51,713 --> 00:17:53,913
- What's wrong with you?
- I'm sorry.
382
00:17:57,813 --> 00:17:59,713
Is he all smooth down there?
383
00:18:01,113 --> 00:18:05,013
Three billion women on the planet!
Three billion!
384
00:18:05,113 --> 00:18:07,413
And you have to sleep with the one
that I dated for a year!
385
00:18:07,513 --> 00:18:09,513
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?!
386
00:18:09,613 --> 00:18:12,013
- Robin?!
- You think I'm proud of this?!
387
00:18:12,113 --> 00:18:15,613
- I'm horrified that this happened.
- How did it happen? Huh?
388
00:18:15,713 --> 00:18:18,713
Barney, I want to know.
Tell me exactly how it happened.
389
00:18:19,913 --> 00:18:21,013
You mean...
390
00:18:21,413 --> 00:18:22,613
what position?
391
00:18:22,813 --> 00:18:26,513
Okay.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it.
392
00:18:26,713 --> 00:18:28,513
- Hit him! Hit him, Ted!
- Stop!
393
00:18:28,613 --> 00:18:30,413
- Hit him! Hit him!
- Stop!
394
00:18:30,513 --> 00:18:33,513
Okay. Okay.
Yore pissed.
395
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,613
You deserve to be.
Fine. You know what?
396
00:18:35,713 --> 00:18:39,513
One free shot. On me.
Anywhere but the face.
397
00:18:43,713 --> 00:18:46,613
Who punches
someone in the groin?
398
00:18:49,113 --> 00:18:51,813
Okay. Okay.
I deserved that.
399
00:18:52,213 --> 00:18:53,713
I deserved that.
400
00:18:54,213 --> 00:18:56,413
But what's important now is...
401
00:18:56,813 --> 00:18:59,113
we're passed this whole
Robin thing now, right?
402
00:18:59,213 --> 00:19:01,713
You think that this is
just about Robin?
403
00:19:01,813 --> 00:19:03,213
This is about...
404
00:19:04,613 --> 00:19:06,613
You know, I've seen you
do some bad stuff.
405
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:10,713
I mean some really terrible stuff
to a lot of different people.
406
00:19:10,813 --> 00:19:12,413
I just always thought
there had to be a limit.
407
00:19:12,513 --> 00:19:14,913
I always thought I was the limit.
408
00:19:15,213 --> 00:19:18,313
You're always spouting off
these rules for bros.
409
00:19:18,713 --> 00:19:21,713
Isn't one of them,
"don't do this"?
410
00:19:21,813 --> 00:19:25,313
Yeah. And I broke it.
I'm sorry.
411
00:19:26,713 --> 00:19:28,113
But, Ted...
412
00:19:28,813 --> 00:19:30,813
seriously, this suite
at the Bellagio...
413
00:19:30,913 --> 00:19:33,313
I am not going
to Vegas with you!
414
00:19:33,413 --> 00:19:36,513
I'm not going to blow off
my friends and my girlfriend,
415
00:19:36,613 --> 00:19:39,313
and spend my 30th birthday
in a strip club.
416
00:19:39,413 --> 00:19:41,213
The fact that you think I would...
417
00:19:42,913 --> 00:19:45,813
You know, Barney, earlier this week
I started putting things in a box
418
00:19:45,913 --> 00:19:49,213
and that box was labeled
"stuff I have no use for anymore."
419
00:19:50,113 --> 00:19:51,313
What does that mean?
420
00:19:51,713 --> 00:19:53,213
It means...
421
00:19:53,413 --> 00:19:55,513
maybe you belong in that box.
422
00:19:57,313 --> 00:19:59,613
Are you saying you don't want
to be bros anymore?
423
00:20:00,013 --> 00:20:02,913
I'm saying I don't want
to be friends anymore.
424
00:20:04,313 --> 00:20:07,113
Okay, I'm going to
stop you right there,
425
00:20:07,313 --> 00:20:09,213
because it seems like you're
about to say something
426
00:20:09,313 --> 00:20:10,813
that's going to pretty much
ruin Vegas.
427
00:20:10,913 --> 00:20:12,513
Ranjit, stop the car.
428
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:15,513
I'm getting a cab.
429
00:20:52,313 --> 00:20:54,513
Surprise!
430
00:21:02,996 --> 00:21:04,196
Oh, right, the goat.
431
00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:06,096
So funny.
You're going to love this.
432
00:21:06,196 --> 00:21:08,996
So later that night, the goat locked
himself in the bathroom and
433
00:21:09,196 --> 00:21:12,296
was eating one of Robin's washcloths
and.. wait, hold on.
434
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,696
Robin wasn't living here
on my 30th birthday.
435
00:21:14,796 --> 00:21:15,996
When did this happen?
436
00:21:16,196 --> 00:21:19,096
Oh, wait, the goat was there
on my 31st birthday.
437
00:21:19,396 --> 00:21:21,196
Sorry, I totally got that wrong.