MARCUS: So can I bet, like, half a chip?
Okay, Marcus, we've been over this before.
Fractional betting is kind of frowned on by the Vegas set.
So why don't you just...
Actually let's just forget the betting. Just declare. Ripped By mstoll
Pair of blacks in your face.
Okay, okay. You have, right there, you have nothing.
For example, look at my trip sevens.
See? Do you get that?
I think we both know that I don't.
Mmm-hmm.
Still nothing from Dr. Samantha? (CHUCKLES)
It's starting to become depressing.
(CHUCKLES) Dude.
Dating, like poker, is a game, Marcus.
And she plays it very well.
She has waited the obligatory two days to call me back.
I have a lot of respect for that.
And now we're on our third day.
Maybe you should call her again.
(LAUGHS) Dude, you never show your cards, buddy.
I'm just going to wait it out.
In fact, tonight, when all my friends come over for poker night,
I shan't even think about the sexy and elusive Dr. Sam.
You shan't? Really? How are you going to do that?
Easy, easy.
I got good friends, gobs of meat,
and a boatload of delicious alcohol.
I have my own challenge tonight, Will.
Yeah? I'm going to my first sleepover party.
Oh, that's awesome. Man, I'm so psyched for you.
Sleepovers are super fun. Who's throwing this par-tay?
This kid, Jackson, in the environmental club.
So he's a new friend?
Potentially.
He says that I crack him up
and that I'm the only kid in the club who isn't a total wang.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(SIGHS)
My standing on the social ladder is at stake here, Will.
One misstep here could completely just shank me off the ladder.
Don't even think about shanking, dude.
It's going to be so awesome. Just a couple of non-wangs...
(KNOCK ON DOOR) duding it up.
Darling, you've got to get ready for your big sleep-out adventure.
Um. I've got all your clothes in the big duffel
and then I've got another bag with your healthy snacks,
first-aid kit and your dream catcher.
What are you doing? Why are you trying to hide your poker table?
It may look like I am teaching your son to play poker,
but actually, I'm teaching him math.
I'm actually not against him learning to play poker.
I just think the person teaching him should be qualified.
Okay. Sweetheart, I am a tournament player.
He's in good hands.
Anyway, long-sleeved footie pajamas.
But don't forget how sweaty your feet can get.
And then layers in case you get too hot.
And this one has a pocket for your inhaler,
and also your cell phone, should you need to call me in the middle of the night.
Marcus, do not call. That is a sure-fire ladder shank.
Darling, whatever your emotional response is, is fine.
You need to call me, call.
Are you sure you'll be okay, Mom?
Oh, yes. I mean, it's God knows how long since
I've had an evening to myself to do precisely what I want.
Not that I don't cherish every night
that we do precisely what you want.
What's on the docket?
You going to go big ladies' night? Do a little drinking?
Well, even better actually.
Um, I'm going to dive into a good book.
Maybe meditate. And then...
For the pièce de résistance, probably strain some curd cheese.
I am so sorry for you.
Yeah. Come on, darling. Let's go.
Can I just finish this hand?
All right. Yep, let me see. Ooh.
Bring it. Bring it. What do you got?
All in.
Are you sure?
Oh, with those cards? Yes, absolutely.
I fold.
What do you got?
Eight and a six of clubs.
You have nothing. You win, darling.
But how... How did I win?
It's called bluffing. Tournament player.
Come on.
Have fun. Keep practicing.
Always a pleasure.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Who's first? Who's first?
Huzzah! It's T. J!
Yes, he is. Let's get this party started.
Get ready to lose all of your monies.
I'm going to take your money. I'm going to take your pride.
But I'm not going to take your shirt, because it doesn't match my skin tone.
Oh, hey, hey, hey! Whoa! Oh, hey!
Look, everybody, Richard's father decided to play poker with us tonight.
Yeah, I just came from work. It's tax season.
Uh, Will, I'm having some lower back issues.
Is there a chair you can recommend?
Okay, old man. Let me just go grab my lumbar support pillow.
No need. I brought my own.
Hey, guys, can we get started? I want to be in bed in time for Colbert.
What? What are you talking about? So, let's go.
What? I can't party and stay up all night and then jump out of bed like I used to.
My back is so stiff...
WILL: Guys... When I crawl out of bed it's like a crab walk.
Hey! I thought we were going to get all crazy tonight.
CROSBY: Who's getting crazy?
ALL: Oh! Hey!
Whoo!
This place has been turning into Golden Girls here.
I got money on him that he's going to turn this lame vibe around.
Because this man...
Brought a baby to, to poker night.
Our babysitter had a bad crab cake.
ANDY: That's a baby. She's all messed up.
So I had to bring the little lady.
I hope no one's allergic to cuteness.
Hi. Hi.
CROSBY: Yeah, look at who's here to play poker.
Say, "Hi, Uncle Will."
She's going to lay down a sec.
Oh, thanks. You're so helpful.
(BABY CRIES) ANDY: Hi.
Uh-oh. Oh, no, no, no.
Okay, she needs a bottle. Bottle. Bottle. I got it.
Oh, good. You know...
(BABY CONTINUES TO CRY)
Got it, got it, got it. You got it?
What are the blinds, Will? Two-four?
That sounds good, dude.
So I put your teddy in the bottom of the duffel.
Okay. I won't tell anyone.
Hey, Marcus. Hey.
Okay.
BOY: What's up, man! JACKSON: Hey, what's up!
Listen, I know this is the first night that we've ever spent apart,
so forget what Will said.
If you need me for anything, anything at all, I'm here.
I am not going to blow this opportunity to expand my friend base.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm wasting valuable party time.
Ah!
All right, I bet 20 to you, Andy.
So you can fold now, or you can fold an hour from now.
I will...
Raise. Ooh.
I fold.
Shocker. Crosby, you're up.
You see this zoned-out look?
This is what happens right before she blows mud.
Oh. You might as well... It's going to get ugly.
It's not going to be solid, because she ate so many apricots.
I'm never eating apricots again.
Can we just play through this? Isn't that what a diaper's for,
you know, to contain the situation?
We can't play through. She's going to be sitting in her own filth.
I fold. Then deal me out.
Deal you out? We're already short players.
Why are you getting so upset?
He's not upset about you. He's upset about a woman.
Andy! Really?
Dr. Sam won't call him back.
Hold on, you're in your head about a girl and that's why...
I am fine.
So Dr. Sam is blowing off the self-proclaimed king of all women?
This is amazing. I think this is hilarious.
Appreciate it. Will, just talk about it.
This poker table is your sacred circle.
We're all here for you.
RICHARD: All of us. (SNIFFING)
Okay, I will open up to you guys.
I am upset about a lot of women.
I'm upset about Sam. I'm upset about you acting like a woman.
And I'm upset about the infant that is
literally taking a crap on my poker table.
That's my fault. I shouldn't have given her apricots.
Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
I know what it's like to get blown off by women.
No, I don't. That was a lie.
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Oh, no. Me first. Uh, fussy prostate.
I'm going outside.
Okay. Bingo.
Oh! What the hell is happening?
CROSBY: (LAUGHS) Apricot City.
(MEDITATION MUSIC PLAYING)
(DOOR OPENS) (SIGHS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(T.J. WHISTLING)
Will?
T.J. Who are you?
Fiona.
Are you urinating on my hedge?
Wait a minute? Are you British?
Wait, say "urinating" again.
Okay. Please stop urinating on my hedge.
That was awesome. Uh...
Say "biscuits."
Biscuits.
(IMITATING) Biscuits.
(LAUGHS)
Accents are hot on girls, man. I don't know why.
Having fun in there, are you?
Poker night. What are you playing, Hold 'Em? Stud?
Oh, you play poker? I dabble.
Well, you should come join us. Because, uh...
We're about two men short, and I think...
You would look pretty cute at the table.
Well, I've rather committed myself to the Buddha tonight,
but, uh, bonne chance.
Your loss.
Well, no, wait. Actually, because, uh,
it might be quite fun to take some money off Americans.
Low-hanging fruit, et cetera, et cetera.
I don't think we have any fruit in there.
We can't play poker with four people. Please.
Will. Listen to me.
I love you to death and I love playing poker here,
but that was the second explosion and there's going to be a third. Okay?
Look, look I will do all the diaper-changing. Just stay one more hour.
You're going to change a diaper?
Look, it doesn't even bother me anymore.
Oh, really? That doesn't...
It doesn't even...
Good news. Guys, I found fresh meat.
I heard you were short a player.
Oh, no.
Perfect. Thank you so much. FIONA: Hi.
I'm going to grab this. Will, you're going to want to crack a window.
Fiona, hi.
Handy Andy. Yeah.
Hey, what happened to your night of straining curd?
Oh, it sucked. Right, what's the buy-in?
Raise 50. Whoa.
I fold.
Sucker. I call your crap hand.
I think you mean my low straight.
WILL: Ah! Whoo!
Do you have anything else besides this heart attack in a bowl?
My arteries are clogging just looking at it.
Eat the napkins. They're high in fiber.
There's hummus and peppers in the fridge.
Not in my fridge. Afraid so.
I put some in the crisper for Marcus.
You put it in the what?
Thank you, Fiona.
I love me some hummus. I'm going to get my Mediterranean on.
Uh, yeah. Hummus is from the Middle East. Pretty sure about that.
Thank God. I need something to coat my stomach from that bowl of death.
Here's the deal, all right?
You crashed my poker game, which is an offense to me,
but now you're derailing it with farmer's market cuisine,
which is an offense to the game of poker.
Does that make sense to you?
Will, I think everyone's going to survive.
Ah! My back! My back is spasming!
Oh! Oh! So dramatic.
I can actually help you. Hold on. Okay.
You're a young man. This is a much deeper problem.
I don't think we should try to fix it tonight.
Now, have you ever done yoga before?
No, but I've always wanted to.
Okay, well, welcome to the first day of the rest of your life-slash-quest.
Now on your knees, please.
Okay, I like this. Okay.
And what we're going to do is a lovely move called Cat Cow, where you
flex your spine up, and then you release it down.
All are welcome to join.
Yeah. I'm in. Good.
So flex it up. And release it down. (RICHARD MOANS)
Oh. You're going to flex it up. Up.
And release it down. Down.
Fiona, I got this nasty shoulder crimp.
Excuse me, people. Hi. We're not here to stretch. We're not here to uncrimp.
We're not here to get our Mediterranean on.
Can we please play poker?
(BOYS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yeah!
Uh, yeah, that's... That's pretty unsafe.
You should probably get down from there.
That is dangerous.
Dude, high-five.
I know I could've scored on the play before,
but I wanted to dish out maximum pain.
Oh, yeah, that was a strategy I would not second-guess. No way.
Let's see your moves. How good are you?
I'm, I'm kind of digging the whole crowd-mentality thing.
You know... Juke! Juke! Yeah! Tackle him! Whoo! Yeah!
Out of bounds! Field goal! Yeah!
Really? Yeah.
When I was at university, we used to play this brilliant game called Oxford Stud.
It's sort of like if Hold 'Em and Seven Card Stud had a baby.
I love babies.
But I just feel like with this group...
I do remember that we begin every deal by doing a shot, but we can skip that.
Shots. I'm in.
Okay. I'm sticking with beer and American poker.
I haven't actually... I don't really drink hard liquor anymore.
Can you watch the table with that?
Methinks the lady will have some hard liquor.
Are you doing a shot?
Yeah, I'm doing it.
Little bit of a toast? One for Dad?
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, namaste!
(CHATTING EXCITEDLY)
(ROARS)
(ALL SCREAM)
Oh, my God. Her guts are on the floor.
They fell in her guts.
You watching, Marcus?
Oh, yes. This is so fun for me.
(ROARING) (ALL SCREAM)
Dude, that was sick. Yeah!
Uh, what are what are we going to do next?
Uh, snacks? Build a pillow fort?
This is just Mutant Death Squad One. Next we're going to watch two and three.
You know, uh, how about Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2?
Like, I read the original source material and it was... It was very good.
That movie's for babies.
(ROARING) (ALL SCREAM)
Right.
Pair of sevens for Handy Andy.
Richie Rich is dead and buried.
Bit of a mystery for T.J. The DJ.
And, oh, complete bollocks for Wet Willie.
I bet one fiver.
That is so sweet, because you got absolutely nothing, but you still want to play.
I say we make Fiona permanent dealer.
FIONA: Me, too. Second.
I'm all for it. All right, I check. Your bet, T.J.
I will check to milady.
FIONA: I'm going to raise.
What's your bet, Wet Willie?
My name is Will or William.
So sorry. William.
Sir William. (PHONE CHIMES)
Hey, hey, hey. No mobile phones at the poker table. Come on.
Willie? Wonky? Willie? Come on, Willie-Wills, your bet.
Come on, Wet-Willie Willie.
All in.
Ooh. Oh!
I fold to milady.
It's your bet, Fiona.
You're really going to push me all in? Because if I lose, I'm out.
Yeah, you can go home.
Yeah, but, whoa, whoa! She doesn't have to go home.
She's the most fun part of the whole night. Yeah.
FIONA: Do you want another drink?
Because I don't know what happened to you. You got all morose.
I'm not morose. I just want to play poker.
But we're having a good time. I think I've integrated pretty well.
Your friends seem to like me. I like her very much.
I love her. She's great. Exactly. No, that's good.
My friends. Okay?
It's not my fault that your only friend is your son.
No, I mean, no, because I'm...
You don't have to push me out, I'll go. No. No!
It's all right. Gentlemen, it's been an absolute pleasure.
I know you're bluffing.
That was rough, man. Fiona!
I actually think I'm going to hit it, too.
After I get a little Cat Cow action.
(DOOR SHUTS)
So creamy.
How did you get so good at poker?
I was absolutely miserable my first year at university,
and then I stumbled into a poker game
and then they were the only nice people, the people who were playing poker,
and then they became my friends.
And they taught me everything.
They taught me how to bet and how to bluff.
How to love? No, they didn't teach me that.
They taught me how to play when you're absolutely trolleyed.
(IMITATING) Trolleyed.
I don't ever do this anymore.
The only time that I get my cards out these days
is on a Friday night when I play Go Fish with my son.
Do you have any jacks?
Go fish.
Aye! All right, your turn.
I fold. Can I please go home?
Do you think I was too harsh on Fiona?
I don't think you were harsh enough.
Really?
Of course, you were too harsh. She was just being fun.
And then you couldn't handle it. It was really weird.
All right, poker night's over.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
It's my mobile. Hold on.
"Ooh, it's my mobile." "It's my mobile."
RICHARD: "Why is my mobile ringing?"
Biscuits. I'm going to talk about biscuits.
Hey.
Oh! (SHUSHING)
It's my son. Sound sober.
Okay.
Hello, darling.
MARCUS: (SOFTLY) Mom, I cannot sit through another scary movie tonight.
I am not built for sleepovers.
Get me out of here now.
(BOYS SCREAM)
Please, hurry.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
Right. I'm going to need one of you
to drive me to get my Marcus son.
Oh, bollocks.
Biscuits and gravy!
(KNOCKS AT DOOR)
What? I'm not happy with you.
Ditto. But I need your help now.
Ha!
We're here. Uh, go get your kid.
Oh! Ah!
You okay? Yeah. Fine.
Just got to wait for the universe
to stop spinning at such an ungodly speed. Mmm-hmm.
Slow down!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Do you know, I'm sorry I ruined your poker night with your mates tonight?
But it was a fun night, wasn't it?
The most fun I've had in ages.
It was great
to feel like I belonged.
Oh, dear. I don't think he should abandon the sleepover.
I don't think that's a good idea.
I think I've got to talk to him.
(EXHALES) How's my breath?
Honestly, there's not enough mints in the world...
Get... Just don't talk.
It's just a bloody, mutant war zone in there.
I mean, they are watching things
that have no business being called entertainment.
(SIGHS)
Why isn't Mom talking?
WILL: Uh, she...
She lost her voice being an awesome dealer in poker, yeah.
Well, I know that I may never get invited to another sleepover again,
but there's just no way I'm going back in there.
Can we just go home?
Uh, Marcus, you know,
we're going to definitely take you home, if you really want to go home.
But, uh, you know, I think if you try to... Try to stick it out,
I think you'll be amazed at how cool it feels to belong, you know?
But that movie is just so emotionally scarring.
Yeah. Um...
You know, when I was a kid,
I was so scared of the dentist.
But then one day I realized, what's the scariest part?
It's the sound.
You know? And if you get rid of the sound of the drill, it's not that bad.
Take this.
Listen to track 17 and don't judge me for having it on my iPod.
Okay, Will. Okay.
Mom, I think you're falling. Whoa, whoa!
Yep. I just waxed the car.
All right? Okay. Bye.
Oh, bloody good job.
(THUDS)
(BOYS SCREAMING)
JACKSON: Oh, my God.
Why aren't we leaving?
Let's just give it a few minutes. Make sure he's good.
Mmm.
Listen, you didn't ruin poker night, okay.
I ruined it. I was just in a bad mood.
You've got lovely friends, though, haven't you?
I do. You're very lucky.
Thank you.
You'll have to hang out with us again sometime.
You know, in moderation.
(GAGS) Hey...
Look, it's been a couple of minutes. I think he's going to be fine.
(EXHALES)
Good for him.
And now I'm going to chunder. That's British for...
Yep. No, I got it.
Out of the car. Go. Not in the car. Not in the car.
I'll just go out.
Ah!
(SNARLING ON TV)
(SCREAMING ON TV)
(SQUELCHING)
(SCREAMING ON TV)
(POP SONG PLAYING ON HEADPHONES) Ripped By mstoll