1
00:00:02,442 --> 00:00:04,581
I got to tell you, the more
I read about the primordial
2
00:00:04,582 --> 00:00:07,583
gravity wave discovery,
the more excited I get.
3
00:00:07,585 --> 00:00:09,718
I know. Being an
astrophysicist right now
4
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,220
is like being a rock star.
5
00:00:11,222 --> 00:00:13,422
Only without the sex.
6
00:00:13,424 --> 00:00:16,391
Yeah, literally, none of it.
7
00:00:17,227 --> 00:00:19,461
What do you think
about it, Sheldon?
8
00:00:19,463 --> 00:00:21,096
Meh.
9
00:00:21,098 --> 00:00:23,031
Are you kidding me?
10
00:00:23,033 --> 00:00:25,300
This may be the biggest
scientific breakthrough
11
00:00:25,302 --> 00:00:27,069
of our lifetime. How can you,
12
00:00:27,071 --> 00:00:28,904
as a theoretical
physicist,
13
00:00:28,906 --> 00:00:30,205
not care about this?
14
00:00:30,207 --> 00:00:32,141
Maybe it's because
I'm not an elitist.
15
00:00:32,143 --> 00:00:33,375
What I'd like to know is:
16
00:00:33,377 --> 00:00:35,244
How does this gravity wave
breakthrough
17
00:00:35,246 --> 00:00:36,812
help the man on the street?
18
00:00:36,814 --> 00:00:38,280
You know?
Wh-Who's looking out
19
00:00:38,282 --> 00:00:41,884
for Joe Six-Pack and all
his quantum physics concerns?
20
00:00:41,886 --> 00:00:44,686
Oh, my God,
you're jealous.
21
00:00:44,688 --> 00:00:46,755
Why would I be jealous?
22
00:00:46,757 --> 00:00:49,124
Oh, I don't know. Maybe because
the origin of the universe
23
00:00:49,126 --> 00:00:50,359
just got proven,
24
00:00:50,361 --> 00:00:52,027
the Higgs field
just got proven
25
00:00:52,029 --> 00:00:53,428
and you've been working
on string theory
26
00:00:53,430 --> 00:00:57,196
for the last 20 years and you're no closer
to proving it than when you started.
27
00:00:57,200 --> 00:01:04,206
Yeah, well, I've had a lot on my plate. We
happen to live in a golden age of television.
28
00:01:05,308 --> 00:01:06,475
Excuse me,
fellas.
29
00:01:07,812 --> 00:01:09,778
Sorry for eavesdropping,
but there actually was
30
00:01:09,780 --> 00:01:11,380
some big string theory news
today
31
00:01:11,382 --> 00:01:12,915
out of the Hadron Collider.
32
00:01:12,917 --> 00:01:15,784
Really? Did they find evidence
to support extra dimensions
33
00:01:15,786 --> 00:01:17,286
or supersymmetry?
34
00:01:17,288 --> 00:01:20,289
No, but they did find evidence
that you'll believe anything.
35
00:01:22,358 --> 00:01:24,660
Why would you do that?
36
00:01:24,662 --> 00:01:26,662
You're a string theorist
as well.
37
00:01:26,664 --> 00:01:29,398
Incorrect.
I am a string pragmatist.
38
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,034
I say I'm gonna prove something
that cannot be proved,
39
00:01:32,036 --> 00:01:33,468
I apply for grant money,
40
00:01:33,470 --> 00:01:36,071
and then I spend it
on liquor and broads.
41
00:01:37,006 --> 00:01:38,874
Later.
42
00:01:40,777 --> 00:01:43,011
Do you think he's right?
43
00:01:43,013 --> 00:01:47,482
Am I wasting my life on a theory
that can never be proven?
44
00:01:49,719 --> 00:01:53,856
Maybe. But how great
is Game of Thrones?
45
00:01:53,858 --> 00:01:57,492
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
46
00:01:57,494 --> 00:02:00,829
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
47
00:02:00,831 --> 00:02:02,397
♪ The Earth began to cool
48
00:02:02,399 --> 00:02:04,933
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
49
00:02:04,935 --> 00:02:07,603
♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
50
00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:10,272
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
51
00:02:10,274 --> 00:02:12,174
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
52
00:02:12,176 --> 00:02:14,142
♪ Bang! ♪
53
00:02:14,143 --> 00:02:18,143
♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x20 ♪
The Relationship Diremption
Original Air Date on April 10
54
00:02:18,144 --> 00:02:23,144
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
55
00:02:24,379 --> 00:02:26,380
Hey, you're up early.
56
00:02:26,382 --> 00:02:28,649
I couldn't sleep.
57
00:02:28,651 --> 00:02:32,719
I told you those Walking Dead
pillowcases were a bad idea.
58
00:02:32,721 --> 00:02:34,788
No, that's not it.
59
00:02:34,790 --> 00:02:36,390
Is something bothering you?
60
00:02:36,392 --> 00:02:39,326
Yes, but you wouldn't
understand.
61
00:02:39,328 --> 00:02:41,695
Oh, come on, try me.
62
00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:44,364
All right.
63
00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:49,169
I've devoted the prime
of my life to string theory
64
00:02:49,171 --> 00:02:51,204
and its quest
for the compactification
65
00:02:51,206 --> 00:02:52,839
of extra dimensions.
66
00:02:52,841 --> 00:02:56,610
I've got nothing to show for it,
and I feel like a fool.
67
00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,079
Okay. I get it.
68
00:02:59,081 --> 00:03:01,848
I mean, not all the jibberjabber
in the middle, but...
69
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,217
I know what it's like
70
00:03:04,219 --> 00:03:05,786
to put your heart and soul
into something
71
00:03:05,788 --> 00:03:07,321
and get nothing out of it.
72
00:03:07,323 --> 00:03:09,656
You mean your acting career?
73
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,392
No.
74
00:03:12,394 --> 00:03:14,461
Your relationship with Leonard?
75
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:16,930
No.
76
00:03:16,932 --> 00:03:18,565
Your failed attempt
to go back to college?
77
00:03:18,567 --> 00:03:20,067
No!
78
00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:21,134
I'm saying you
79
00:03:21,136 --> 00:03:22,769
and string theory sound
like a relationship,
80
00:03:22,771 --> 00:03:24,871
and I know what it's like
to be in one
81
00:03:24,873 --> 00:03:27,341
and realize it's never gonna
turn out the way you want.
82
00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:30,477
I said Leonard; you said no.
83
00:03:31,346 --> 00:03:33,547
I'm talking about other guys.
84
00:03:33,549 --> 00:03:34,915
Okay.
85
00:03:34,917 --> 00:03:37,517
Well, what do you do?
86
00:03:37,519 --> 00:03:39,853
You have to have the courage
to end the relationship.
87
00:03:39,855 --> 00:03:43,090
You know? Break it off,
shake hands, walk away.
88
00:03:44,827 --> 00:03:47,094
I don't know if I can do that.
89
00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:48,628
I know it's hard, honey,
but in the end,
90
00:03:48,630 --> 00:03:49,663
that's how you grow.
91
00:03:54,369 --> 00:03:57,104
Penny, have you seen
my good inhaler?
92
00:03:59,207 --> 00:04:02,175
Break it off,
shake hands, walk away.
93
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:09,783
Hey, how's dating
two women going?
94
00:04:09,785 --> 00:04:11,785
Um, kind of hit a bump.
95
00:04:11,787 --> 00:04:14,888
When I was honest and told Emily
she wasn't the only person
96
00:04:14,890 --> 00:04:16,223
I was seeing, it went great.
97
00:04:16,225 --> 00:04:18,392
So I tried the same thing
with Lucy.
98
00:04:18,394 --> 00:04:19,626
And?
99
00:04:19,628 --> 00:04:22,596
She had mixed feelings.
100
00:04:22,598 --> 00:04:24,998
But when I said,
"Emily was cool with it.
101
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,401
Emily's the best. Why can't you
be more like Emily?"...
102
00:04:29,237 --> 00:04:32,739
...those feelings
became less mixed.
103
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:37,644
Women. Who knows
what'll set 'em off?
104
00:04:37,646 --> 00:04:41,581
At least now I can focus all
my energies on just one girl.
105
00:04:41,583 --> 00:04:43,583
I hope I get to meet her
as soon as possible.
106
00:04:43,585 --> 00:04:45,285
Why the rush?
She isn't going anywhere.
107
00:04:45,287 --> 00:04:47,921
She is. But I like
that attitude.
108
00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:53,460
Gentlemen, is anybody interested
in my old string theory books?
109
00:04:53,462 --> 00:04:55,195
You're really
going to do this?
110
00:04:55,197 --> 00:04:58,732
I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out
that what I'm going through
111
00:04:58,734 --> 00:04:59,933
is essentially a breakup.
112
00:04:59,935 --> 00:05:02,702
And according
to Cosmopolitan magazine,
113
00:05:02,704 --> 00:05:05,338
one of the most effective
techniques for moving on
114
00:05:05,340 --> 00:05:08,375
is to get rid of all reminders
of the relationship.
115
00:05:08,377 --> 00:05:10,377
- You're reading Cosmo?
- Yes.
116
00:05:10,379 --> 00:05:12,913
as it turns out,
there's an article,
117
00:05:12,915 --> 00:05:15,982
on how to get over a breakup
in literally every issue.
118
00:05:16,818 --> 00:05:18,218
Anyway,
119
00:05:18,220 --> 00:05:20,353
it suggests that I
set these on fire,
120
00:05:20,355 --> 00:05:22,456
but the smell of burning books
121
00:05:22,458 --> 00:05:25,659
reminds me of church picnics
in East Texas.
122
00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:29,162
- What's this?
- Oh,
123
00:05:29,164 --> 00:05:32,933
that's just a doodle of
a hyperelliptic Riemann surface.
124
00:05:32,935 --> 00:05:36,136
Oh, yeah. Wasn't that the basis
of your postdoc fellowship?
125
00:05:36,138 --> 00:05:37,370
It was.
126
00:05:37,372 --> 00:05:39,473
This seemed so elegant
at the time,
127
00:05:39,475 --> 00:05:40,640
but...
128
00:05:40,642 --> 00:05:43,343
now I realize I was just
a simple country boy
129
00:05:43,345 --> 00:05:45,846
seduced by a big city theory
130
00:05:45,848 --> 00:05:48,682
with variables
in all the right places.
131
00:05:50,151 --> 00:05:52,452
- It's going to be okay.
- I know.
132
00:05:52,454 --> 00:05:54,688
As hard as this is,
I have to move on.
133
00:05:54,690 --> 00:05:57,524
I can't keep postulating
multidimensional entities
134
00:05:57,526 --> 00:05:59,326
and get nothing in return.
135
00:05:59,328 --> 00:06:01,094
I have needs, too.
136
00:06:07,069 --> 00:06:08,768
So, you and Emily
still together?
137
00:06:16,044 --> 00:06:18,478
I spoke to Bernadette.
She's free tomorrow night.
138
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:19,913
Oh, okay, great.
139
00:06:19,915 --> 00:06:22,182
But if we're really gonna do
a double date,
140
00:06:22,184 --> 00:06:24,618
then we have to go over
some ground rules about Emily.
141
00:06:24,620 --> 00:06:26,920
Like when it turns out
she's made of rubber,
142
00:06:26,922 --> 00:06:28,555
I don't say anything?
143
00:06:30,091 --> 00:06:32,025
She's very real.
144
00:06:32,027 --> 00:06:34,528
Oh, that's what it says
on the box.
145
00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:38,665
Right next to "dishwasher safe."
146
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:40,500
See?
147
00:06:40,502 --> 00:06:41,835
This is exactly
the kind of thing
148
00:06:41,837 --> 00:06:43,570
I'm worried about you
saying in front of her.
149
00:06:43,572 --> 00:06:45,839
I promise I'll be
on my best behavior.
150
00:06:45,841 --> 00:06:49,376
You better be. No jokes about
how close I am with my dog.
151
00:06:49,378 --> 00:06:53,213
Or the truth about how close
I am with my dog.
152
00:06:53,215 --> 00:06:54,614
You got it.
153
00:06:54,616 --> 00:06:56,683
No jokes about the
year I took ballet.
154
00:06:56,685 --> 00:06:58,385
You took ballet?
155
00:06:59,220 --> 00:07:01,388
God, you never listen.
156
00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:06,359
Are you sure you
want to do this?
157
00:07:06,361 --> 00:07:08,828
The magazine articles suggest
that one of the ways
158
00:07:08,830 --> 00:07:11,431
to get over a breakup
is a new look.
159
00:07:11,433 --> 00:07:12,866
Mmm. What about your old look,
160
00:07:12,868 --> 00:07:15,602
well-groomed ventriloquist doll?
161
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:20,440
- "Oh, my God, I do look like that."
- Stop it!
162
00:07:21,876 --> 00:07:25,045
- So, how do you want me to cut it?
- Oh,
163
00:07:25,047 --> 00:07:29,449
how about Bill Gates
meets Nikola Tesla?
164
00:07:30,251 --> 00:07:31,718
So, business in the front,
165
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,620
science in the back.
166
00:07:33,622 --> 00:07:35,221
Or I don't cut it
167
00:07:35,223 --> 00:07:36,890
and maybe just style it
a little.
168
00:07:36,892 --> 00:07:38,558
Oh, I'm in
your hands.
169
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:41,928
Do a good job and I'll tell you
Cosmo's ten dynamite tips
170
00:07:41,930 --> 00:07:44,264
to enjoy your PMS.
171
00:07:44,999 --> 00:07:46,266
Can you keep him quiet?
172
00:07:46,268 --> 00:07:47,834
Maybe jangle some keys
in front of him?
173
00:07:47,836 --> 00:07:49,035
That doesn't
work anymore.
174
00:07:49,037 --> 00:07:51,805
He just thinks I'm taking him
to the doctor.
175
00:07:53,007 --> 00:07:54,975
So, now that you're
no longer invested
176
00:07:54,977 --> 00:07:57,611
in string theory,
what are you gonna pursue?
177
00:07:57,613 --> 00:07:59,613
Oh, there are so
many exciting areas:
178
00:07:59,615 --> 00:08:02,649
- black holes, dark matter...
- Oh,
179
00:08:02,651 --> 00:08:04,117
Leonard was telling me
about dark matter,
180
00:08:04,119 --> 00:08:05,685
but I didn't
really understand it.
181
00:08:05,687 --> 00:08:08,755
Don't feel bad.
Neither does he.
182
00:08:12,126 --> 00:08:14,160
Okay...
183
00:08:14,162 --> 00:08:16,329
what do you think?
184
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:21,267
Have you ever even seen
a picture of Tesla?
185
00:08:22,036 --> 00:08:23,803
It actually
looks good, Sheldon.
186
00:08:23,805 --> 00:08:26,006
- Doesn't it?
- Yeah.
187
00:08:26,008 --> 00:08:31,111
I suppose I could see myself
in a scientific boy band.
188
00:08:31,113 --> 00:08:33,513
Of course, I'd be the dreamy one
and the smart one.
189
00:08:35,384 --> 00:08:36,950
Sorry I'm late.
190
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,452
What did you do?
191
00:08:39,454 --> 00:08:41,721
I gave him a new look.
It's cute, huh?
192
00:08:41,723 --> 00:08:44,524
Yeah, it's cute.
That's the problem.
193
00:08:44,526 --> 00:08:46,826
I don't need other girls
to see him walking around
194
00:08:46,828 --> 00:08:48,962
like sex on a stick.
195
00:08:50,498 --> 00:08:53,633
She's right.
I'm too hot.
196
00:08:58,272 --> 00:08:59,873
I'm excited
to meet Emily.
197
00:08:59,875 --> 00:09:02,809
Me, too. I just hope
he doesn't blow it.
198
00:09:02,811 --> 00:09:04,744
Why would you
say that?
199
00:09:04,746 --> 00:09:08,515
Because he's Raj--
that's his thing.
200
00:09:08,517 --> 00:09:11,718
Beckham can bend it, Ralph
can wreck it, Raj can blow it.
201
00:09:13,054 --> 00:09:15,088
Look, I don't want it
to happen,
202
00:09:15,090 --> 00:09:17,824
but odds are he's gonna
find a way to...
203
00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:20,660
Oh, crap,
I know that girl.
204
00:09:20,662 --> 00:09:21,695
How?
205
00:09:21,697 --> 00:09:24,130
In a bad way, very bad.
206
00:09:24,132 --> 00:09:25,398
Hey, guys.
207
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,000
Whatever you hear tonight,
just remember I love you.
208
00:09:27,002 --> 00:09:28,401
Hey!
209
00:09:36,787 --> 00:09:39,889
Emily, these are my good
friends, Howard and Bernadette.
210
00:09:39,891 --> 00:09:41,991
- Guys, this is Emily.
- Nice to meet you.
211
00:09:41,993 --> 00:09:43,192
- Hi.
- Hello.
212
00:09:43,194 --> 00:09:45,227
Have we met before?
213
00:09:45,996 --> 00:09:49,331
Uh... no.
214
00:09:49,333 --> 00:09:50,132
I-I don't...
215
00:09:50,134 --> 00:09:51,867
I don't... think so.
216
00:09:51,869 --> 00:09:53,502
You sure? You look familiar.
217
00:09:53,504 --> 00:09:55,838
Well, you sure don't.
218
00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:57,740
You I know,
you I know, you?
219
00:09:57,742 --> 00:10:00,709
Total stranger.
220
00:10:00,711 --> 00:10:04,914
Even if you had yummy candy,
I would not get in your van.
221
00:10:04,916 --> 00:10:07,950
Did you go to that spin class
on Green Street?
222
00:10:07,952 --> 00:10:09,785
That must be it.
223
00:10:09,787 --> 00:10:12,121
Since when do you go
to spin class?
224
00:10:12,123 --> 00:10:14,456
Wow. Now who doesn't listen?
225
00:10:16,993 --> 00:10:18,494
Sheldon,
your food's getting cold.
226
00:10:18,496 --> 00:10:20,696
- What are you doing?
- Oh, looking through
227
00:10:20,698 --> 00:10:23,966
my textbooks
for a new field of inquiry.
228
00:10:23,968 --> 00:10:26,969
Why do we have a geology book?
229
00:10:26,971 --> 00:10:29,305
Leonard, did you throw
230
00:10:29,307 --> 00:10:31,807
a children's party
while I was in Texas?
231
00:10:32,909 --> 00:10:34,677
Wait. What's wrong with geology?
232
00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:37,212
Let me put this in a way
you'll understand, Penny.
233
00:10:37,214 --> 00:10:39,081
You remember
how you explained to me
234
00:10:39,083 --> 00:10:41,517
that the Kardashians
aren't real celebrities?
235
00:10:41,519 --> 00:10:43,152
Well, geology
236
00:10:43,154 --> 00:10:45,487
is the Kardashians of science.
237
00:10:46,489 --> 00:10:48,090
Have you considered
238
00:10:48,092 --> 00:10:50,259
studying standard model physics?
239
00:10:50,261 --> 00:10:52,261
You want me
to give up string theory
240
00:10:52,263 --> 00:10:53,829
for something
that's less advanced?
241
00:10:53,831 --> 00:10:55,998
You know, why don't you break up
with Penny
242
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,200
and start dating a brown bear?
243
00:10:59,469 --> 00:11:02,705
Like you could
get a brown bear.
244
00:11:02,707 --> 00:11:04,173
Hey, I've got a good job.
245
00:11:04,175 --> 00:11:06,375
I could buy salmon.
You don't know.
246
00:11:07,644 --> 00:11:09,611
Maybe you could make
your new field of study
247
00:11:09,613 --> 00:11:11,513
the calculation
of nuclear matrix elements.
248
00:11:11,515 --> 00:11:13,015
Oh, please.
249
00:11:13,017 --> 00:11:16,652
If I wanted to take up a fad,
I'd get a tramp stamp.
250
00:11:19,756 --> 00:11:21,890
What about loop quantum gravity?
251
00:11:21,892 --> 00:11:24,193
Oh, Duchess, look at me.
252
00:11:24,195 --> 00:11:27,029
My quantum gravity's
positively loopy.
253
00:11:28,431 --> 00:11:30,165
Who's the duchess?
254
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:33,335
One of the people
that lives in his head.
255
00:11:33,337 --> 00:11:36,271
I hope he's this distraught
if he ever breaks up with me.
256
00:11:36,273 --> 00:11:39,041
Well, if he does, I'll see
if my bear has a friend.
257
00:11:41,277 --> 00:11:42,478
Sheldon, have you
ever considered
258
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:43,545
not rushing into something new?
259
00:11:43,547 --> 00:11:45,180
I mean, why don't you
take your time,
260
00:11:45,182 --> 00:11:46,782
enjoy your freedom?
261
00:11:46,784 --> 00:11:50,185
Maybe something new
to study will find you.
262
00:11:51,287 --> 00:11:53,188
That's actually not bad advice.
263
00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:55,357
You know, I didn't seek out
string theory.
264
00:11:55,359 --> 00:11:57,960
It just hit me
over the head one day.
265
00:11:57,962 --> 00:11:59,661
How does that happen?
266
00:11:59,663 --> 00:12:01,764
A bully chased me through
the school library
267
00:12:01,766 --> 00:12:05,100
and hit me over the head with
the biggest book he could find.
268
00:12:06,836 --> 00:12:08,837
Okay, how about we toast
your newfound freedom?
269
00:12:08,839 --> 00:12:12,408
Ah, normally
I refrain from alcohol,
270
00:12:12,410 --> 00:12:15,677
but since my cerebral cortex is
twiddling its proverbial thumbs,
271
00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:17,479
why not soak it in grape juice
272
00:12:17,481 --> 00:12:19,948
that's been predigested
by a fungus?
273
00:12:21,151 --> 00:12:24,019
And you wonder why other
children beat you with books.
274
00:12:24,021 --> 00:12:25,521
Cheers!
275
00:12:28,058 --> 00:12:30,159
Emily, what
do you do?
276
00:12:30,161 --> 00:12:32,728
I'm a dermatology resident
at Huntington Hospital.
277
00:12:32,730 --> 00:12:34,596
Mmm, and you know
what that means.
278
00:12:34,598 --> 00:12:38,434
Someone's skin's about
to be softer than ever.
279
00:12:39,402 --> 00:12:40,836
This is making
me crazy.
280
00:12:40,838 --> 00:12:42,671
I know I know you
from somewhere.
281
00:12:42,673 --> 00:12:44,606
Oh, uh, Howard
was an astronaut.
282
00:12:44,608 --> 00:12:46,608
- Maybe that's where you saw him.
- Wow!
283
00:12:46,610 --> 00:12:48,077
That's amazing.
284
00:12:48,079 --> 00:12:49,378
What was that like?
285
00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:52,381
It was the most incredible
experience of my life.
286
00:12:52,383 --> 00:12:55,317
Up there
in the space station, you're...
287
00:12:55,319 --> 00:12:57,453
Oh, my God, I remember.
288
00:12:57,455 --> 00:13:00,489
Can I finish my astronaut story?
289
00:13:00,491 --> 00:13:01,990
It was four years ago.
290
00:13:01,992 --> 00:13:04,126
- Please don't say it.
- We were set up on a blind date.
291
00:13:04,128 --> 00:13:05,861
- Please don't say it.
- You came to my apartment.
292
00:13:05,863 --> 00:13:07,996
You're saying it.
293
00:13:07,998 --> 00:13:09,665
Well, wh-what happened?
294
00:13:09,667 --> 00:13:11,500
- Yeah, what happened?
- Okay, I'll say it.
295
00:13:12,703 --> 00:13:16,071
I was on the way to pick her up.
296
00:13:16,073 --> 00:13:18,273
My stomach felt a little funny.
297
00:13:18,275 --> 00:13:21,643
When I got there, I asked
if I could use her bathroom.
298
00:13:21,645 --> 00:13:23,645
Please don't say it.
299
00:13:26,116 --> 00:13:28,684
One roll of toilet paper
and 20 minutes later,
300
00:13:28,686 --> 00:13:31,019
I was so humiliated,
301
00:13:31,021 --> 00:13:34,022
I snuck out the window
and never saw her again.
302
00:13:34,024 --> 00:13:35,991
You know what else
I never saw again--
303
00:13:35,993 --> 00:13:37,993
my security deposit.
304
00:13:37,995 --> 00:13:39,595
I'm sorry.
305
00:13:39,597 --> 00:13:42,764
I tried to unclog it,
but you didn't have a plunger,
306
00:13:42,766 --> 00:13:44,433
and water was
spilling out everywhere.
307
00:13:44,435 --> 00:13:46,368
Right, just water.
308
00:13:48,104 --> 00:13:50,539
Look, I have felt terrible
about this for years,
309
00:13:50,541 --> 00:13:52,274
and I'm glad
I have the opportunity
310
00:13:52,276 --> 00:13:54,910
to tell you
just how sorry I am.
311
00:13:54,912 --> 00:13:56,278
It's fine.
312
00:13:56,946 --> 00:13:58,547
All my friends love this story.
313
00:13:58,549 --> 00:14:00,782
They call you Clogzilla.
314
00:14:00,784 --> 00:14:02,651
Get it?
315
00:14:02,653 --> 00:14:04,253
Because you clogged up
her bathroom
316
00:14:04,255 --> 00:14:05,821
like a radioactive monster!
317
00:14:07,124 --> 00:14:08,524
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
318
00:14:08,526 --> 00:14:09,691
Howie.
319
00:14:09,693 --> 00:14:11,160
Well, hey, it's not like
cotton candy
320
00:14:11,162 --> 00:14:12,528
comes out of you.
321
00:14:15,265 --> 00:14:16,632
Come on, let's
get you to bed.
322
00:14:16,634 --> 00:14:17,833
You've had a lot
to drink.
323
00:14:17,835 --> 00:14:19,301
No more than Penny.
324
00:14:19,303 --> 00:14:21,303
That's what I'm saying.
325
00:14:21,305 --> 00:14:23,572
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
326
00:14:24,707 --> 00:14:26,608
Empty room.
327
00:14:26,610 --> 00:14:28,277
Empty room.
328
00:14:28,279 --> 00:14:30,913
Empty room.
329
00:14:30,915 --> 00:14:33,315
If somebody says "Come in,"
I'm gonna freak out.
330
00:14:38,488 --> 00:14:40,022
So, Emily, why did you
331
00:14:40,024 --> 00:14:41,857
decide to specialize
in dermatology?
332
00:14:41,859 --> 00:14:43,959
I like cutting
people with knives,
333
00:14:43,961 --> 00:14:47,996
and all the other jobs where
you get to do that are illegal.
334
00:14:48,865 --> 00:14:50,265
You're kidding, right?
335
00:14:54,804 --> 00:14:56,538
She's scary,
but it's a cute scary.
336
00:14:57,708 --> 00:14:59,975
Can I say just one more thing?
337
00:14:59,977 --> 00:15:02,945
I had some kind
of food poisoning that day.
338
00:15:02,947 --> 00:15:05,747
Sure, in retrospect,
gas station sushi--
339
00:15:05,749 --> 00:15:07,216
maybe not the best choice.
340
00:15:07,218 --> 00:15:09,117
Nor was climbing out
341
00:15:09,119 --> 00:15:10,185
your window and running away.
342
00:15:10,187 --> 00:15:11,653
But I think
we can all understand
343
00:15:11,655 --> 00:15:13,088
how humiliating that was,
and I'd really
344
00:15:13,090 --> 00:15:14,523
appreciate it
if we could move on.
345
00:15:14,525 --> 00:15:16,558
Howie, we moved on
a long time ago.
346
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,961
- I'm just saying...
- We moved on.
347
00:15:20,363 --> 00:15:23,298
Okay. Fine.
348
00:15:25,702 --> 00:15:26,902
How's your soup?
349
00:15:26,904 --> 00:15:28,103
Ah, it's all right.
350
00:15:28,105 --> 00:15:30,105
They could've filled
the bowl a little more.
351
00:15:34,077 --> 00:15:35,477
Excuse me.
352
00:15:35,479 --> 00:15:36,812
Where are you going?
353
00:15:36,814 --> 00:15:38,080
I need some fresh air.
354
00:15:38,082 --> 00:15:39,948
Been there.
355
00:16:00,670 --> 00:16:02,904
Oh, no.
356
00:16:02,906 --> 00:16:05,107
What have I done?
357
00:16:28,831 --> 00:16:30,599
How you feeling?
358
00:16:31,434 --> 00:16:33,335
Not so good.
359
00:16:35,104 --> 00:16:38,373
Are you gonna introduce me
to your friend?
360
00:16:39,475 --> 00:16:41,176
It's not my friend.
361
00:16:41,178 --> 00:16:43,378
Nothing happened.
362
00:16:43,380 --> 00:16:44,513
I don't know.
363
00:16:44,515 --> 00:16:48,116
I heard you reading pretty loud
last night.
364
00:16:48,951 --> 00:16:50,919
Oh, dear Lord.
365
00:16:50,921 --> 00:16:52,921
Where's Amy?
366
00:16:52,923 --> 00:16:55,057
After she put you to bed,
she went home.
367
00:16:55,059 --> 00:16:56,892
Oh.
368
00:16:56,894 --> 00:17:00,162
I should call her and apologize.
369
00:17:00,164 --> 00:17:02,364
Oh.
370
00:17:02,366 --> 00:17:05,300
- Oh, no.
- What?
371
00:17:05,302 --> 00:17:09,338
Apparently, I called
Stephen Hawking last night.
372
00:17:09,340 --> 00:17:11,640
First new message.
373
00:17:11,642 --> 00:17:14,676
Hawkman!
374
00:17:14,678 --> 00:17:18,313
It's your old buddy
Sheldonoscopy!
375
00:17:19,982 --> 00:17:22,417
How come you didn't
pick up the phone?!
376
00:17:22,419 --> 00:17:24,686
Oh, right. My bad.
377
00:17:29,759 --> 00:17:32,094
You're awful quiet.
Everything okay?
378
00:17:32,929 --> 00:17:34,629
Not really.
379
00:17:34,631 --> 00:17:37,833
I had a bit
of an embarrassing evening.
380
00:17:37,835 --> 00:17:40,402
Ugh. Me, too.
What happened?
381
00:17:40,404 --> 00:17:42,170
I drank alcohol
382
00:17:42,172 --> 00:17:47,309
and may have left an unfortunate
voice mail for Stephen Hawking.
383
00:17:47,311 --> 00:17:49,711
I wouldn't worry about it.
384
00:17:49,713 --> 00:17:51,880
He's got a pretty good
sense of humor.
385
00:17:51,882 --> 00:17:54,649
Oh, I hope so.
386
00:17:54,651 --> 00:17:56,885
What happened to you
last night?
387
00:17:56,887 --> 00:17:58,887
Oh, well, turns out
388
00:17:58,889 --> 00:18:01,590
I'd already met the girl
Raj is seeing
389
00:18:01,592 --> 00:18:04,926
when I did a number
on her bathroom.
390
00:18:08,297 --> 00:18:10,499
And that number was two.
391
00:18:12,835 --> 00:18:15,871
Well, you know,
I've always been a fan
392
00:18:15,873 --> 00:18:18,874
of a story told
by Attar of Nishapur,
393
00:18:18,876 --> 00:18:20,008
about a king
394
00:18:20,010 --> 00:18:22,978
who assembled a group
of wise men
395
00:18:22,980 --> 00:18:26,748
to create a ring that would
make him happy when he was sad.
396
00:18:26,750 --> 00:18:28,550
And that ring
397
00:18:28,552 --> 00:18:32,621
was inscribed with the phrase,
"This too shall pass."
398
00:18:34,223 --> 00:18:36,658
- Hey, Cooper!
- Oh, my God.
399
00:18:36,660 --> 00:18:40,262
I heard you drunk-dialed
Stephen Hawking last night?
400
00:18:40,264 --> 00:18:42,330
Classic!
401
00:18:42,332 --> 00:18:43,432
Get out of here, Barry.
402
00:18:43,434 --> 00:18:45,434
Whatever you say...
403
00:18:45,436 --> 00:18:47,636
Clogzilla.
404
00:18:51,207 --> 00:18:53,341
Clogzilla. That's pretty funny.
405
00:18:54,577 --> 00:18:57,813
I don't think
that's gonna pass.
406
00:19:06,223 --> 00:19:08,191
Next message.
407
00:19:08,193 --> 00:19:10,026
It's me again!
408
00:19:10,028 --> 00:19:12,428
I gave up string theory.
409
00:19:12,430 --> 00:19:14,297
You should give up black holes,
410
00:19:14,299 --> 00:19:17,099
and we can totally
solve crimes together!
411
00:19:18,702 --> 00:19:20,503
Next message.
412
00:19:20,505 --> 00:19:22,038
Do you know what's great?!
413
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:25,475
Geology. Oh!
414
00:19:25,477 --> 00:19:28,377
Look at this geode!
415
00:19:28,379 --> 00:19:30,713
That's fun to say!
416
00:19:30,715 --> 00:19:35,017
Gee... ode! Gee... ode!
417
00:19:35,019 --> 00:19:36,853
Next message.
418
00:19:36,855 --> 00:19:39,455
Gee... ode!
419
00:19:39,457 --> 00:19:41,958
Gee... ode!
420
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,193
I kiss girls now.
421
00:19:45,896 --> 00:19:47,763
Next message.
422
00:19:47,765 --> 00:19:49,465
Hey, guess who I am!
423
00:19:49,467 --> 00:19:50,833
Beep bop boop bop!
424
00:19:50,835 --> 00:19:53,169
I'm you! Get it?!
425
00:19:54,371 --> 00:19:56,239
Next message.
426
00:19:56,241 --> 00:19:58,474
Are you mad at me?
427
00:19:59,343 --> 00:20:02,411
Oh, no, you're mad at me.
428
00:20:02,413 --> 00:20:04,647
I'm so sorry!
429
00:20:04,649 --> 00:20:07,016
Beep bop boop bop.
430
00:20:07,784 --> 00:20:09,318
Next message.
431
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:14,323
Thiospinel sulfide.
Thiospinel sulfide.
432
00:20:14,325 --> 00:20:17,793
That's even more fun
than "gee... ode."
433
00:20:18,845 --> 00:20:21,212
Hey, did you see
The Lego Movie?
434
00:20:24,604 --> 00:20:26,137
What a jackass.
435
00:20:26,139 --> 00:20:31,139
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man