ANDY: I'd have to check, but I'm pretty sure we can handle that.
I do have one question.
(SNEEZING)
Hold on.
Oh, my God.
Andy! Oh, my... Sorry.
Andy. Are you getting sick?
It's flu season again, and I cannot get sick.
Stock up on Kleenex. Don't touch your face. Don't touch anything.
People are dropping like flies.
We already had to quarantine Larry.
Leslie, I don't feel good. Can't I just work from home?
The tent is your home now, Larry.
We already forwarded your mail.
(SNEEZES)
Oh, well, here's something that's going to make you feel really good.
Guess who I just secured as the headliner for the Unity Concert.
Chipp McCapp! No!
Yes! Nice!
Wait, no, I don't want to touch your hand.
Chipp McCapp is the most amazing
17-year-old country singer in the entire world.
He's like Indiana's sweetheart.
We are huge Chippmunks. That's what his fans call themselves.
I don't know why. Chippmunks. Because of the animal?
No, that's too simple. Yeah. Okay.
His latest song, Beautiful Like My Mom
parentheses (Support the Troops)
Has, like, two million hits on YouTube.
(SINGING) She don't care about no fancy trends
She's just a mom from old South Bend
Get home safe, boys, and thank you for protecting our freedom.
(HUMMING)
Let's play it again. Play it again.
Ripped By mstoll
Today at a local vineyard, a bunch of sommeliers,
AKA wine experts,
are going to be competing for their certification.
I'm going to hire the best one at my new restaurant.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Tom's Bistro.
People that convince other people
to buy expensive stuff they don't need.
Those are the real heroes.
Donna. April.
Wine Country train is leaving the station. You ready?
I want to come.
I love wine and everything about it.
The soil, the vines.
I studied botany for three years
at Purdue University.
Go, Boilermakers!
There will be alcohol there, so I will go, as well.
Well, maybe I'll tag along.
I don't have anymore work to do.
Maybe it will be relaxing.
I didn't invite any of you.
I started with two cool people
and I ended up with a bunch of grandpas.
Listen, grandpas.
When we get to the vineyard,
there'll be a lot of fancy people there.
Please, I beg you, don't embarrass me.
How would we embarrass you?
You're already doing it. I begged you.
I guess, now that we've got Chipp McCapp as our headliner,
I can get rid of my awesome wish list.
LESLIE: Yeah, those are long shots.
"Bob Dylan's friends?"
I just thought maybe they could get Bob Dylan to come.
Land Ho. God, I love them. Everybody does.
But there's no way they're getting back together.
Their lead singer split 10 years ago.
He titled their last album We'll Never Reunite.
Leslie?
No! Back in your tent, sicky.
I'm sorry, but Chipp McCapp's manager called.
He has to drop out. LESLIE: No!
Okay, we need all hands on deck.
There are no hands to be on deck
because everybody's at the winery.
Okay, Andy, you and I need to handle this.
We need to be operating at maximum...
(SIGHS)
Oh, no.
(RETCHING)
Damn it, Larry!
Sorry.
Xander, my man-der. Tom Haverford.
Owner, operator, and global ambassador for Tom's Bistro,
opening this spring in Pawnee.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Damn. Look at that tie dimple. Respect.
My main target for Tom's Bistro? Xander Truffant.
He's the best young somm in the game.
I don't say this lightly.
He's basically the Bruno Mars of Indiana amateur wine tasting.
If you'll excuse me, I must prepare for the tasting competition.
I pour saline water through my nose
to clear the mucus from my smell centers.
That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
Man. It costs $200 to get certified.
I wanted to make fun of stupid people while I get drunk.
My two true passions.
You want to futz with these fools? I will bankroll you.
Really? Oh, hell, yeah, pimp. Sounds like fun.
Thank you.
April Ludgate, professional drinker.
Uh, where did you study, Ms. Ludgate?
The Wine Academy.
The Wine Academy? In Bordeaux?
Yes.
Carol, make sure she's in Group A.
Uh, excuse me. I want in, too.
I know I don't look the part,
but I know everything about wine and I will prove it.
My name is Craig Middlebrooks,
and this is my debit rewards card.
Why wouldn't you run this by me first, Dad?
Whatever. (SIGHS)
Sorry, just weird family business.
Sounds private. No need to discuss it with me.
My parents had this small, little vacation house on Lake Hubbard.
And now, they've sold it without telling the rest of us.
Did you not hear me say there was no need to discuss it with me?
My dad sent me this check out of the blue. My share of the profits.
It's so disrespectful to the family structure...
Maybe a drink will help.
Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.
Some of our blueberry wine? We make it right here at the vineyard.
I don't drink alcohol from that portion of the color spectrum.
Hey! (SIGHS) Whoa, that's strong.
Holy hell, that's a lot of alcohol.
We will take four bottles, please, and thank you.
All we need to do is go to Indianapolis,
convince Chipp to do the festival
and then, you know, head home.
Are you sure you're feeling up for this, boss?
I'm fine. I've had the flu before, and I worked through it.
Okay. Well, if you do collapse, luckily, I know first aid.
Or karate.
That's not first aid.
It is if you do it right.
Heimlich!
ANDY: Oh, I guess while you get your medicine,
I'll just stroll through the candy aisles, but won't get any.
You can buy two candies.
Two?
Can I help you? I have the flu.
Super-nauseated for a few days, a lot of barfing.
It's a total disaster.
Plus, I have a ton of work to do, so I need the good stuff.
The Mariah-needs- to-sing-tonight stuff.
You don't look flushed, no signs of fever.
That just doesn't seem like the flu.
It's the flu. I mean, I don't think it could be anything...
This counts as one.
BEN: I'm so mad at my parents.
I mean, they both wanted the house for Columbus Day weekend,
and they fought so much, they decided to
just sell it to spite each other.
More wine, less talking.
You know, you are a wonderful guy,
and I admire many things about you.
But you're a terrible person to discuss personal problems with.
Thank you, friend. That really means a lot to me.
Pumpkin, undertones of lavender. Medium-plus body.
It's mostly pumpkin.
There's so much pumpkin, it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special.
I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood,
old, dirty cashews and just a hint of a robot's bathwater.
An old world wine. Italian.
Ah. It's a Verdicchio Doc Classico, 2010.
It's new world. Northern California, Napa Valley.
Some place beautiful and warm and amazing
where everyone is in great shape
and the night sky is full of stars!
This comes from your mother's butt.
(SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
Man, you were in the bathroom forever.
The receptionist said that Chipp will be out in just a second.
Uh, I just need a minute. I'm going to call Ben about nothing.
My parents make me so mad sometimes.
Just like the time they couldn't decide who gets the dog,
so they just dropped it off at the local synagogue.
I was, like, "Say what?"
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hold on, Ron. Hold that thought. Just for a sec.
Hey, honey. Hey.
It's your me. It's wife.
(SOFTLY) It's Leslie. Knope.
I have very big news for you.
Oh, well, my teeth are blue. Blueberries...
What? Are you having a stroke?
I was just saying to Ron that my dog's Jewish.
Oh. Phone water.
Ben? Hello?
(SIGHS) Hello? Hi. Leslie?
It's dead.
Hello?
(SIGHS)
You know, Leslie sounded weird.
I don't want to wait for Tom. I want to walk home.
I'll join you. I'm always game for a brisk walk.
Also, if I leave you alone, I'm pretty sure you'll die.
Home is that way.
Watch out for that fence.
Ah, Mister Haverford.
Allow me to introduce Terrence Montreaux.
He is a restaurateur like yourself.
You own a restaurant, too?
No, monsieur. I own 12.
I am here to find the best sommeliers as soon as they are,
how you say, certified.
That was my idea.
That is everyone's idea.
That is why we have this, how do you say, thing.
Okay, don't act like you don't know the word "thing."
With a filet mignon, I'd recommend a red.
Something bold and dry, like David Sedaris.
Perhaps you could recommend a Riesling instead.
Not if you're eating steak, you loon.
You know in the movies, when the cops show up
and they find lipstick on a wine glass next to a dead body?
This is that wine.
(SINGING) I'll bring the girls You bring the beer
And the troops will bring the freedom
We're sorry to interrupt, Chipp. Hi.
We just wanted to say we are such big fans. It's an honor to meet you.
Yeah. Well, I'm very blessed.
And it's always nice to meet my amazing fans who keep me going.
You're the real superstars.
Thank you.
Can somebody give me one of those LunchStacks?
And stack them for me this time.
Cheese on top, or no one gets paid.
You got it, Chipp.
That's my dad. Guy's such an idiot.
We wanted to talk to you
about the Unity Concert in Pawnee.
Can you do it? Yeah.
Uh, no. I'm sorry, I got a previous engagement. It's a bummer.
Oh.
Here you go, Chipp.
Look at that. The cheese is on top.
Of turkey. You dick. I want ham.
Sorry, son. They were out of ham.
All right, well, maybe I should just let Mom be manager, then?
Pick them up, Skipp.
Ew! This guy's the worst.
I mean, it sucks that they didn't have ham.
But you can't treat your dad like that.
I know. He's a monster. But we need him.
Your job's not that hard, okay? Just anticipate my needs.
Anticipating, Chipp.
Of the 25 entrants today,
only one has deemed himself worthy of a sommelier certificate.
Oh, my God. Are you sure? No way.
Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you so much, everyone.
I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same.
And if you spend more than $5 on wine,
you are very stupid. JUDGE REINLETGO: Security.
I just want to thank all the people that got me here.
Norbit, uh, Pluto Nash, all the Klumps.
Congratulations to the next Indiana Master Sommelier,
Xander Truffant.
I've got to go talk to Xander before Terrence gets to him.
Cover me. Got you.
Oh, my goodness.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Xander. Yeah.
Look. Tom's Bistro is going to be the dopest,
quite possibly trillest restaurant in the area.
What do you say? You want to work with me?
Thank you, but I've already accepted an offer from Monsieur Montreaux.
I'll double whatever he's paying you.
You'll pay me $500,000 a year?
I will pay you one-tenth of whatever he's paying you.
Sorry.
Aw, man, this wine bottle is all out of the wine.
Well, hello, gentlemen.
What brings you out on this fine evening?
Mother (BEEP).
Whoa. Where'd you come from?
Uh, that's a complicated question.
All depends on whether your conception of time is linear or circular.
What?
Hello, Ron. Ron.
You know this hobo?
He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department.
Dude. Are you a ghost?
Am I?
What is happening right now?
We know that you have that important other engagement...
Yo, I gots to get that haircut. Snip!
It's not just Pawnee that needs you. It's the entire region.
Permission to speak, son?
Pawnee is kind of the gateway to that whole region.
They do buy a lot of albums.
They sure ain't buying toothpaste. Bunch of dirty hicks.
(LAUGHS)
What if we fly me in and out same day,
so I wouldn't have to spend a night in your crap town?
Excuse me. Pawnee is a good town.
With good people from all walks of life.
Plus, it is an amazing place to raise kids and start a family.
You think I care about that?
Look. I can do whatever I want. All right?
If I want to shoot a paintball gun at my dad, I'm going to do it.
(GROANS)
Good shot, son. I'm proud of you.
You're crazy. This is over. Okay?
Pawnee does not need you.
And you should know that, when you shook my hand earlier,
there was pee on my palms.
That makes us sound like hicks. We're not. Shut up. Stupid.
Okay. Let's go, Andy.
You know what? That was awesome. You were great.
I thought you were going to punch that kid's lights out.
It was not awesome.
I lost our headliner, I can't stop throwing up,
and Ben has not called me back yet.
I'm sorry I'm so frazzled.
There's just a lot of things going on right now.
Personal things that I can't talk to you about.
You know, Leslie, sometimes life throws us crazy curves.
And yes, this moment may be the biggest curve
you've ever had to deal with.
But just because your family is getting bigger
does not mean that you can't handle it.
You and Ben can handle anything.
Wow. Andy, thank you.
That's exactly what I needed to hear right now.
God, it's so weird that you know that I'm pregnant before Ben does.
Pregnant? Holy crap! Leslie!
Yeah. What did you think?
I thought you were getting a dog.
Why did you go like this?
That's a sign for petting a dog that's sitting on your lap.
Pregnant? Wow. Oh, that's amazing.
Andy, I think we need to focus on the fact that we have lost our headliner.
We are out of options. It's time for a Hail Mary.
How are we going to convince this guy to reunite Land Ho?
Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs.
Broken Scantron machine.
Okay, wait. Andy, that is not a good strategy, okay?
I will give him a brief explanation about the Unity Concert.
And you stand by. Stand by.
Oh, God, I'm sorry. (RETCHING)
Hello? Scott Tanner.
(CHUCKLES)
It's Scott Tanner.
Uh, hi. My name's Andy.
And this barfing lady over here is Leslie.
We just need 10 minutes of your time.
To do what?
To convince you to reunite Land Ho.
Listen, it means a lot to me that you guys loved the band.
And I'm going to tell you the exact same thing
I've told everyone who has ever asked us to reunite.
No.
Listen, I know that you and the band
aren't on the best of terms right now.
But bringing people together is exactly
what we want to talk to you about.
Hold that. Hold that down at the bottom. Yeah. Yeah.
Mr. Ron Dunn.
I have something I'm very angry about.
But other Ron, he's not helping me with it.
Can you help?
I can tell by the indigo on your Chiclet
that you've been drinking blueberry wine.
That's a good start.
The Wamapoke called it "mattapiqua."
They believed it had mystical powers.
Yeah, it also tastes like jelly.
So, what's got your goat there, friend?
My parents, they had this lake house
and they sold it without telling me.
And so, I was like, "Why?" You know?
I was like, "God! You guys!"
Oh. You're hanging onto that anger for dear life, compadre.
Let's role play.
Well, goodnight, everyone.
I'm going to go home and feel totally fine.
Who am I kidding? I'm going to go home,
put on a Macy Gray album, and cry in the mirror!
Why are you bummed?
Are you all blind? I want that job at Tom's Bistro.
I've been trying to show you for the last five hours.
Look, man, you know your stuff,
but you're like a crazy volcano.
You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.
I'll bring it down 1,000 notches if I have to!
This looks like it's going to be a great concert.
The band just does not play anymore.
Well, I understand.
(COUGHS) Excuse me. Um, I'm sorry.
My stomach is trying to murder me.
You still drunk from last night? I've been there.
You know, this town still loves you.
I'm in a band myself, actually. Mouse Rat.
And we cover about five of your songs and they just go nuts.
Really? Which ones?
(SINGING) Catapult me into the Sun
And I'll burn, baby, burn
Oh, yeah.
Johnny Karate?
I thought you said your name was Andy.
It is. I'm also a children's performer.
He played at Joey's birthday and he's awesome.
Sing Karate Chop Master.
I'll do it as long as your dad sings along.
Let's do it. It's easy. You'll pick it up.
(SINGING) Karate chop master I'm a karate chop master
And I will karate chop you
Chop, chop, chop, chop Kick, kick, kick, kick, chop
Scott, you sing.
Chop, chop, kick, kick Kick, kick, kick, kick, chop
No. Just listen to me.
Chop and a chop and a kick-kick-kick-kick chop
And tighten the throat And chop-a-kick chop
Now, your turn.
Chop, chop, kick, kick, chop
Harmony! Oh, my God!
Chop, chop, kick Chop, kick-kick-kick
And a chop and a kick and a kick and a...
No.
No. It's not... You didn't... I mean... Just listen.
Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight?
Yeah. I'm having fish, so maybe a full-bodied red?
You know, sir, you might want to consider
something white to go with your fish.
No. Red.
And bring some ice cubes.
I like ice cubes in my red wine.
I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine
mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine,
served in a dog bowl.
And silly straws all around, please.
I'll be right back with my recommendations.
He seems to be keeping it together.
(SHOUTING) What kind of monster orders red with fish?
I know they're messing with me and it's just a test,
but have some decency!
For you, sir, a light, crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon
to bring out the flavors in your fish.
I brought you a bold Cabernet,
which should still taste okay when watered down.
And for you, madam, would you consider this rose?
It's halfway between red and white.
Thanks very much. Enjoy.
I think I may have found my new sommelier.
(SHOUTING) That was so embarrassing!
We'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's Bistro is soundproof.
(SCREAMS)
That was beautiful.
You're surrendering to the Earth Mother.
Now, stare into the fire and picture your spirit animal.
I don't know what my spirit animal is.
Because it doesn't exist
because that's nonsense because you're an adult.
Baby snow owl.
He's right.
Our spirit animals connect us to the natural world.
You need to remain open to their message.
Watch.
Welcome back, old friend.
Whoa.
If you really want to cleanse yourself of that anger,
take that check and send it into the flames.
And up into the air with your screams.
Do not burn that check. It is money.
No. Ron is right, Ron.
There, there, baby snow owl.
You're safe now.
RON: This is him right here.
I'll also get out here and walk home.
You sure?
This thing runs on vegetable oil and bat guano.
Actually cleans the air as it drives.
Quite sure. Thank you.
Hey.
Thank you for helping me with my anger.
You've already emerged from your cocoon.
Now the question is, will you fly?
Yeah, I don't feel any better. I'm still angry.
Damn it.
I don't know why this lake house thing is driving me so crazy.
Sorry we couldn't help you work through your problems.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a lady, two little girls,
and an infant waiting for me.
It's always nice to see the kids at the end of a long day.
Really puts things in perspective.
Oh, my God. Ben, I have so much to tell you.
We got Land Ho to play the Unity Concert.
Whoa, what happened to you?
It doesn't matter.
I thought I was upset because my parents are insane.
But Ron kind of just showed me the real reason.
I have so many childhood memories at that lake house
that, in the back of my mind, I always pictured taking my kids,
or taking our kids there.
I want to start our family.
I mean, I know things are crazy, but there's no good time.
And I want to do it. Now.
Well, buddy, I've got some good news for you.
Ripped By mstoll