1 00:00:11,105 --> 00:00:12,706 "You and Jess broke up." 2 00:00:15,643 --> 00:00:17,644 Oh, man. 3 00:00:19,914 --> 00:00:21,448 "The bed got burned." 4 00:00:25,286 --> 00:00:27,454 I thought it was a dream. 5 00:00:27,488 --> 00:00:29,255 "It was a not a dream." 6 00:00:29,290 --> 00:00:30,657 I'm a little scared to see 7 00:00:30,691 --> 00:00:31,891 what's on the other side. 8 00:00:33,661 --> 00:00:35,762 "Writing left-handed is HARB." 9 00:00:46,674 --> 00:00:47,674 Oh! 10 00:00:47,708 --> 00:00:49,275 Goodness. Hi. Sorry. 11 00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:50,944 I was just changing in the closet, 12 00:00:50,978 --> 00:00:52,312 like Superman. 13 00:00:52,346 --> 00:00:54,481 Are we still allowed to see each other naked? 14 00:00:54,515 --> 00:00:55,682 - Yes. - Do you think so? 15 00:00:55,716 --> 00:00:56,616 I don't know. 16 00:00:56,651 --> 00:00:57,984 - Hmm. - Maybe. 17 00:00:58,019 --> 00:00:59,252 - Ah... - Definitely not. 18 00:00:59,286 --> 00:01:00,387 "Derfi-niddley nit." 19 00:01:02,456 --> 00:01:05,225 Boob season's over, for you. 20 00:01:05,259 --> 00:01:07,394 - Mind if I grab my socks? - Um, no. You can go ahead. 21 00:01:07,428 --> 00:01:08,495 - I'll close my eyes. - Okay. 22 00:01:09,897 --> 00:01:11,331 - Hey! - Whoa! 23 00:01:11,365 --> 00:01:13,566 So how you doing? 24 00:01:13,601 --> 00:01:14,768 - I'm really good. - Good. 25 00:01:14,802 --> 00:01:16,336 - How 'bout you? - Great. 26 00:01:16,370 --> 00:01:17,737 Yeah, I'm really enjoying the breakup. 27 00:01:17,772 --> 00:01:19,239 - Yeah. - I think I'm handling it well. 28 00:01:19,273 --> 00:01:20,674 Yeah, you are. You are. 29 00:01:20,708 --> 00:01:22,242 You're. You know, you're not drunk, 30 00:01:22,276 --> 00:01:23,476 you haven't left me 300 voicemails... 31 00:01:23,511 --> 00:01:24,678 And you're not crying while 32 00:01:24,712 --> 00:01:25,879 watching that movie Ghost. 33 00:01:25,913 --> 00:01:27,447 Well, it's Dirty Dancing. 34 00:01:27,481 --> 00:01:29,616 Doesn't Swayze do a dirty dance with that clay? 35 00:01:29,650 --> 00:01:31,384 That's not Dirty Dancing. 36 00:01:31,419 --> 00:01:34,387 It's Ghost. It's a different movie. 37 00:01:34,422 --> 00:01:36,022 Which one takes place at camp? 38 00:01:36,057 --> 00:01:38,024 Dirty Dancing. 39 00:01:38,059 --> 00:01:39,826 Which one's Whoopi in? 40 00:01:39,860 --> 00:01:41,361 Stop asking me questions about them. 41 00:01:41,395 --> 00:01:42,562 Drop it. 42 00:01:45,967 --> 00:01:48,635 So I saw this TV show about monkeys in India, 43 00:01:48,669 --> 00:01:50,870 and one of the monkeys, when it gets nervous 44 00:01:50,905 --> 00:01:52,739 and it wants to play submissive, it goes like this: 45 00:01:54,842 --> 00:01:56,476 And that lets all the other monkeys know 46 00:01:56,510 --> 00:01:58,044 it doesn't want trouble. 47 00:01:58,079 --> 00:02:00,714 That's cool. 48 00:02:00,748 --> 00:02:03,450 They also give each other oral pleasure. 49 00:02:03,484 --> 00:02:05,485 And they masturbate. 50 00:02:13,461 --> 00:02:15,362 So what do we do now, Jess? 51 00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:16,596 Well, normally, I would go home, 52 00:02:16,631 --> 00:02:17,797 but I already am home, so... 53 00:02:17,832 --> 00:02:18,999 can't do that. 54 00:02:19,033 --> 00:02:20,400 I know where you live. 55 00:02:20,434 --> 00:02:21,668 And I live where you live. 56 00:02:21,702 --> 00:02:23,603 Should we tell the people we live with? 57 00:02:23,638 --> 00:02:25,372 - Yeah, let's do that. - Okay. 58 00:02:25,406 --> 00:02:27,073 ♪ Bad boys, bad boys ♪ 59 00:02:27,108 --> 00:02:28,742 ♪ What you gonna do ♪ 60 00:02:28,776 --> 00:02:30,810 ♪ What you gonna do when I come for you? ♪ 61 00:02:31,604 --> 00:02:32,712 Hey, you guys, we have, um... 62 00:02:32,747 --> 00:02:33,780 Big news! 63 00:02:33,814 --> 00:02:36,650 I just got into the police academy. 64 00:02:37,919 --> 00:02:40,420 ♪ Police naw give me no break ♪ 65 00:02:40,454 --> 00:02:42,656 - ♪ Not a solider mona give you no break ♪ - You know it. 66 00:02:42,690 --> 00:02:44,391 He knows it. 67 00:02:44,425 --> 00:02:45,825 - Because you are a cop. - No, my uncle was on Cops 68 00:02:45,860 --> 00:02:47,427 a bunch of times. 69 00:02:47,461 --> 00:02:48,728 He got no residuals, though. He's poor. 70 00:02:48,763 --> 00:02:50,497 That really is big news! 71 00:02:50,531 --> 00:02:51,698 Big news. 72 00:02:51,732 --> 00:02:54,200 What a happy, happy day! Huzzah! 73 00:02:54,235 --> 00:02:57,237 And to celebrate, I'm gonna have a banquet in my honor. 74 00:02:57,271 --> 00:02:59,372 A banquet for yourself? That seems tacky. 75 00:02:59,407 --> 00:03:01,174 Can anyone here think of any reason 76 00:03:01,208 --> 00:03:03,877 why today should not be all about me? 77 00:03:04,674 --> 00:03:07,424 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com 78 00:03:07,459 --> 00:03:09,149 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 79 00:03:09,183 --> 00:03:11,718 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 80 00:03:11,752 --> 00:03:13,186 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 81 00:03:13,983 --> 00:03:15,676 So I guess we're not telling anyone today. 82 00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:17,298 Nah, it doesn't seem like the right move. 83 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,125 Yeah. So we have to pretend 84 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,660 to be a couple for one more day. 85 00:03:20,695 --> 00:03:21,861 It's not that big of a deal. 86 00:03:21,896 --> 00:03:23,863 - It's gonna be easy. - Yeah. 87 00:03:23,898 --> 00:03:25,699 So we broke up. What's the difference? 88 00:03:25,733 --> 00:03:27,033 Um... 89 00:03:27,068 --> 00:03:28,902 I-I couldn't be more okay with it. 90 00:03:28,936 --> 00:03:31,638 Well, I couldn't be more okay, either. 91 00:03:31,672 --> 00:03:32,806 Great. Me, too. 92 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,175 Capital "O," capital "K" 93 00:03:35,209 --> 00:03:37,444 capital "A," capital "Y." 94 00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:38,778 I'm okay. 95 00:03:38,813 --> 00:03:40,780 I'm not okay, Mom. 96 00:03:42,016 --> 00:03:43,483 I'm not okay. 97 00:03:43,517 --> 00:03:44,584 I'm not okay. 98 00:03:44,619 --> 00:03:46,453 I'm sorry to pull you 99 00:03:46,487 --> 00:03:47,921 out of your dance class. 100 00:03:49,123 --> 00:03:51,925 Oh, the recital was today? 101 00:03:51,959 --> 00:03:54,694 I know we did the right thing, I just... I feel like... 102 00:03:54,729 --> 00:03:57,197 really upset, and... 103 00:03:57,231 --> 00:03:59,065 Nick seems totally okay 104 00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:01,968 and I guess I just need someone to tell me it's gonna be fine. 105 00:04:02,003 --> 00:04:04,671 It's not gonna be fine, Jess. 106 00:04:04,705 --> 00:04:06,873 I'm never gonna be a grandmother! 107 00:04:06,908 --> 00:04:08,508 What? Mom... 108 00:04:08,542 --> 00:04:09,910 Stop crying. 109 00:04:09,944 --> 00:04:11,645 You don't even have to love him, honey. 110 00:04:11,679 --> 00:04:13,446 You just have to get that sperm cooking! 111 00:04:13,481 --> 00:04:16,383 - Mom... - I'm sorry, honey, I just... 112 00:04:16,417 --> 00:04:18,385 You know, this is where I'm at right now. 113 00:04:18,419 --> 00:04:19,586 Well, this was really comforting, Mom. 114 00:04:21,189 --> 00:04:23,590 It's like I'm in the womb, sucking my thumb. 115 00:04:23,624 --> 00:04:25,992 Look, of course she doesn't know I'm in pain, Tran. 116 00:04:26,027 --> 00:04:27,961 I'm hiding it like you're supposed to. 117 00:04:27,995 --> 00:04:30,697 But I'm lying to my best friend. 118 00:04:30,731 --> 00:04:34,134 You're also my best friend, don't... 119 00:04:34,168 --> 00:04:37,604 don't start that weird jazz train. 120 00:04:37,638 --> 00:04:40,073 I don't know how I'm gonna hold it all together. 121 00:04:40,107 --> 00:04:42,409 I can't talk about it with anyone all day. 122 00:04:42,443 --> 00:04:43,910 I feel like a piñata, you know, 123 00:04:43,945 --> 00:04:45,445 and I'm just gonna pop. 124 00:04:46,981 --> 00:04:49,416 What does that mean: 125 00:04:49,450 --> 00:04:51,618 "The problem is the solution?" 126 00:04:51,652 --> 00:04:55,422 Oh, you mean just focus myself on Winston, 127 00:04:55,456 --> 00:04:58,425 and I won't have time to think about Jess. 128 00:04:58,459 --> 00:05:01,027 That's really smart, but that's not exactly 129 00:05:01,062 --> 00:05:02,429 "the problem is the solution." 130 00:05:02,463 --> 00:05:03,663 Do you know what I mean? 131 00:05:03,698 --> 00:05:05,765 That's, like, a cool sentence, but... 132 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,901 it's more just "stay busy," right? 133 00:05:09,637 --> 00:05:11,171 Thanks, Tran. 134 00:05:11,205 --> 00:05:13,607 If I'd met you in your prime, during the war, 135 00:05:13,641 --> 00:05:15,075 that would have been glorious! 136 00:05:15,109 --> 00:05:16,243 But then we would've been enemies 137 00:05:16,277 --> 00:05:18,044 and tried to murder one another, 138 00:05:18,079 --> 00:05:19,946 unless we formed an alliance. 139 00:05:19,981 --> 00:05:21,147 Oh... 140 00:05:21,182 --> 00:05:23,550 You and me forming an alliance 141 00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:24,784 in an old-school war? 142 00:05:24,819 --> 00:05:26,520 That's a fantasy. 143 00:05:26,554 --> 00:05:28,021 Or a novel. 144 00:05:28,055 --> 00:05:29,456 You just gave me another idea. 145 00:05:30,725 --> 00:05:31,958 Winston? 146 00:05:31,993 --> 00:05:33,627 I've been thinking about it, 147 00:05:33,661 --> 00:05:35,829 and a banquet is not big enough. 148 00:05:35,863 --> 00:05:37,264 You're not retiring from some 149 00:05:37,298 --> 00:05:39,199 insurance company. 150 00:05:39,233 --> 00:05:40,667 So what do you really want, 151 00:05:40,701 --> 00:05:42,135 besides a piñata? 152 00:05:42,170 --> 00:05:43,036 Dream big. 153 00:05:43,070 --> 00:05:44,237 Dream big, he said. 154 00:05:44,272 --> 00:05:45,639 Okay. Um... 155 00:05:45,673 --> 00:05:46,840 If I had my druthers... 156 00:05:46,874 --> 00:05:48,308 you know, 100% of my druthers... 157 00:05:48,342 --> 00:05:49,309 I... 158 00:05:49,343 --> 00:05:51,111 I gotta go Honey Roast. 159 00:05:51,145 --> 00:05:52,646 The hell is that? And don't say it 160 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:53,847 like it's some thing we know! 161 00:05:53,881 --> 00:05:55,115 It's a roast, 162 00:05:55,149 --> 00:05:56,783 except you say nice things about me. 163 00:05:56,818 --> 00:05:58,852 Honey Roast. 164 00:05:59,554 --> 00:06:00,821 - Huh. - You know? 165 00:06:00,855 --> 00:06:02,689 Well, I can't wait to make that happen for you. 166 00:06:02,723 --> 00:06:04,624 - You serious? - He thinks you're serious. 167 00:06:04,659 --> 00:06:06,159 - How do I do it? - You just get everybody 168 00:06:06,194 --> 00:06:07,794 to say a bunch of cute stuff about me. 169 00:06:07,829 --> 00:06:09,429 You know, all the, like, 170 00:06:09,463 --> 00:06:11,431 funny stuff that makes me sweet, you know? 171 00:06:11,465 --> 00:06:12,666 Done! What else? 172 00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:14,901 What? There's... There's more? 173 00:06:14,936 --> 00:06:16,536 Uh... 174 00:06:16,571 --> 00:06:18,738 make me a prominent chair. 175 00:06:18,773 --> 00:06:19,606 - Like a throne? - Come on. 176 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:20,607 A throne? 177 00:06:20,641 --> 00:06:21,608 Who am I, CeeLo? 178 00:06:21,642 --> 00:06:22,876 No, I just... 179 00:06:22,910 --> 00:06:24,177 This is me, I'm still the same person. 180 00:06:24,212 --> 00:06:26,179 - Stop touching me. - I'm not gonna change. 181 00:06:26,214 --> 00:06:27,681 - I'm still the same person. - Stop touching me. 182 00:06:27,715 --> 00:06:29,216 So make me a prominent chair. 183 00:06:29,250 --> 00:06:30,617 Then you shall have that, Winston. 184 00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:31,618 What else you want? 185 00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:32,819 I'm thinking maybe 186 00:06:32,854 --> 00:06:34,287 you should MC my roast. 187 00:06:34,322 --> 00:06:35,789 Okay, I will. 188 00:06:35,823 --> 00:06:37,290 And can you do it dressed as Furguson? 189 00:06:39,093 --> 00:06:40,227 I'm not gonna do that. 190 00:06:40,261 --> 00:06:41,361 Thought it might be special. 191 00:06:41,395 --> 00:06:43,029 Nah, it's strange. 192 00:06:43,064 --> 00:06:44,197 All right, I'm gonna get started on that chair. 193 00:06:44,232 --> 00:06:45,298 Well, this just in: 194 00:06:45,333 --> 00:06:46,766 the dress code for 195 00:06:46,801 --> 00:06:48,001 Winston's banquet tonight is... 196 00:06:48,035 --> 00:06:49,936 is opt... is optional. 197 00:06:49,971 --> 00:06:51,304 Why would he write "optional" there? 198 00:06:51,339 --> 00:06:52,639 That's gotta be a mistake, right? 199 00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:54,007 And they're gonna give him a gun? 200 00:06:54,041 --> 00:06:55,308 What are you doing back there? 201 00:06:57,178 --> 00:06:59,946 Thought it was about time I graduated high school. 202 00:06:59,981 --> 00:07:01,648 - Mmm... - I'm proud of you. 203 00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:02,849 That's it? 204 00:07:02,884 --> 00:07:04,684 No snide comments? 205 00:07:04,719 --> 00:07:05,752 I've got legions. 206 00:07:05,786 --> 00:07:06,887 But I'm gonna be supportive. 207 00:07:07,822 --> 00:07:10,657 "Legions" means "a lot." 208 00:07:10,691 --> 00:07:12,292 I know what "legions" means. 209 00:07:12,326 --> 00:07:13,760 Anyway, I probably won't even take the test. 210 00:07:13,794 --> 00:07:15,695 I failed the last five practice exams. 211 00:07:15,730 --> 00:07:17,264 So that seems like a bad sign. 212 00:07:17,298 --> 00:07:18,832 Of course you're failing. 213 00:07:18,866 --> 00:07:20,800 You're studying here in a rowdy tavern. 214 00:07:20,835 --> 00:07:23,170 Chumbawamba's playing, it's not even "Tubthumping." 215 00:07:23,204 --> 00:07:24,671 You're writing with what looks to be 216 00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:26,907 a golf pencil. Where are your flash cards? 217 00:07:26,941 --> 00:07:28,708 Do you not have o-one single flash card? 218 00:07:28,743 --> 00:07:30,010 There's maraschino goo everywhere! 219 00:07:30,044 --> 00:07:31,244 You don't have a flash card? 220 00:07:31,279 --> 00:07:32,679 I'm taking over. You need a tutor. 221 00:07:32,713 --> 00:07:33,880 Yes, I'll do it. 222 00:07:33,915 --> 00:07:35,215 You realize I have a boyfriend, right? 223 00:07:35,249 --> 00:07:36,249 Oh, the hunky Australian boy? 224 00:07:36,284 --> 00:07:37,517 Congratulations. 225 00:07:37,552 --> 00:07:39,085 Cece, this is about your education. 226 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,720 - Nothing more. - Mm. 227 00:07:40,755 --> 00:07:43,356 He's actually from Perth, so... 228 00:07:43,391 --> 00:07:45,459 Perth is in Australia, Cece. 229 00:07:45,493 --> 00:07:47,494 We'll start with geography. 230 00:07:51,740 --> 00:07:52,873 Oh, Cece, I really need... 231 00:07:54,776 --> 00:07:56,510 to ask Schmidt 232 00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:58,746 if my outfit's working. 233 00:07:58,780 --> 00:08:00,814 It is not. 234 00:08:02,217 --> 00:08:03,984 I was in the middle of tutoring Cece! 235 00:08:04,019 --> 00:08:06,287 - Make it quick! - I know why you're upset, okay? 236 00:08:06,321 --> 00:08:07,788 I should've asked you to tutor me. 237 00:08:07,822 --> 00:08:09,423 But he just volunteered, 238 00:08:09,457 --> 00:08:11,492 and I figured you'd be busy with Nick. 239 00:08:11,526 --> 00:08:13,727 Well, I'm not busy with Nick anymore. 240 00:08:13,762 --> 00:08:15,896 Oh, no. 241 00:08:15,931 --> 00:08:17,898 Did you guys break up? 242 00:08:20,735 --> 00:08:22,136 Jess, are you pregnant? 243 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:27,775 I feel like I made it weird with the pregnancy thing, you guys. 244 00:08:27,809 --> 00:08:29,243 Did I make it weird with the pregnancy thing? 245 00:08:29,277 --> 00:08:30,578 'Cause I really feel like I did. 246 00:08:30,612 --> 00:08:32,379 I feel like, in my heart, that that was a... 247 00:08:32,414 --> 00:08:34,448 that was the wrong to say, especially to two women 248 00:08:34,482 --> 00:08:36,784 who are sitting alone in a room together. 249 00:08:36,818 --> 00:08:38,953 You know, I don't know where you guys are at with your lives 250 00:08:38,987 --> 00:08:40,854 But you're certainly getting up to an age 251 00:08:40,889 --> 00:08:42,790 where babies are on your mind, and-and I didn't want 252 00:08:42,824 --> 00:08:44,425 to throw that into the mix. I could see 253 00:08:44,459 --> 00:08:45,926 that you were emotional, Jess, when you left, 254 00:08:45,961 --> 00:08:47,595 and I, and I don't want to make you more emotional 255 00:08:47,629 --> 00:08:49,363 by bringing up pregnancy. 256 00:08:49,397 --> 00:08:52,166 And, Cece, you can probably barely spell "pregnancy." 257 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,868 And I feel terrible. 258 00:08:54,903 --> 00:08:56,937 Are you frickin' razzing me in there? 259 00:08:56,972 --> 00:08:58,472 Did I just here a razz? 260 00:08:58,506 --> 00:08:59,506 Damn it! 261 00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:04,044 So you're really building Winston's throne, huh? 262 00:09:04,079 --> 00:09:05,779 It's a prominent chair. 263 00:09:05,814 --> 00:09:09,416 And it's not right! It's not regal enough! 264 00:09:09,451 --> 00:09:11,727 - How long have you been doing this? - It's for the Honey Roast. 265 00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:13,454 I'm trying to think of cute things to say about Winston. 266 00:09:13,488 --> 00:09:14,755 I got great stuff about his feet. 267 00:09:14,789 --> 00:09:16,824 What are you saying, dude? You sound insane. 268 00:09:16,858 --> 00:09:19,760 If anything's cute about Winston, it's his yawn. 269 00:09:24,332 --> 00:09:26,567 He goes, like... 270 00:09:26,601 --> 00:09:28,536 - Can I use that? - You're scaring me, man. 271 00:09:28,570 --> 00:09:31,472 Like, for real. Like, I'm scared for you. 272 00:09:31,506 --> 00:09:33,941 Don't do that voice 'cause it makes me confess things. 273 00:09:33,975 --> 00:09:35,476 I'm really scared for you. 274 00:09:35,510 --> 00:09:38,012 - I broke up with Jess. - You broke... 275 00:09:38,046 --> 00:09:40,447 - You broke up with Jess?! - I broke up with Jess. 276 00:09:40,482 --> 00:09:42,316 - Aw, man. - It's real. 277 00:09:42,350 --> 00:09:43,817 Or she broke up with me, I don't know, but we're broken up. 278 00:09:43,852 --> 00:09:45,519 Well, at least that explains all of that. 279 00:09:45,554 --> 00:09:46,787 Kind of. 280 00:09:46,821 --> 00:09:48,822 I just feel like I'm falling apart. 281 00:09:48,857 --> 00:09:50,791 Like, my brain feels like spaghetti. 282 00:09:50,825 --> 00:09:52,092 And my future feels 283 00:09:52,127 --> 00:09:53,360 like a dark hole 284 00:09:53,395 --> 00:09:54,995 that I can't stop falling down. 285 00:09:55,030 --> 00:09:57,198 You can't show her this pain. 286 00:09:57,232 --> 00:09:58,866 Or she'll freak out and it'll be over, okay? 287 00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:00,234 I wish someone would've told me that 288 00:10:00,268 --> 00:10:01,869 when Malia and I broke up. 289 00:10:01,903 --> 00:10:03,337 Malia, I'm in pain 290 00:10:03,371 --> 00:10:06,073 and I want you to know! 291 00:10:06,107 --> 00:10:09,810 I want to get this pain out of my body! 292 00:10:11,079 --> 00:10:12,646 I haven't seen her since. 293 00:10:12,681 --> 00:10:14,815 I still read her e-mails, though. 294 00:10:14,850 --> 00:10:16,450 - Every day. - Every day. 295 00:10:16,484 --> 00:10:18,519 - Every damn day. - Every day. 296 00:10:18,553 --> 00:10:21,088 You have to hide your feelings no matter what. 297 00:10:21,122 --> 00:10:23,891 And I am. She thinks I'm okay. That's my game plan. 298 00:10:23,925 --> 00:10:25,726 I'm talking about pills, man. Schmidt's got 299 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:27,928 some anxiety pills in his top drawer, you know? 300 00:10:27,963 --> 00:10:29,730 - That's a great idea. - Do it. 301 00:10:29,764 --> 00:10:32,566 Don't tell any of the roommates about the breakup. 302 00:10:32,601 --> 00:10:34,338 Thought I made it clear that I do not want to talk about this. 303 00:10:34,507 --> 00:10:35,521 Sure. 304 00:10:35,770 --> 00:10:38,572 He just seemed so fine with it. 305 00:10:39,674 --> 00:10:41,075 Like he's happier 306 00:10:41,109 --> 00:10:43,043 than me watching Coach 307 00:10:43,078 --> 00:10:44,812 watching Winston yawn. 308 00:10:54,189 --> 00:10:56,991 I'm sure he's just as sad as you are. 309 00:10:57,025 --> 00:10:58,092 It's an act. 310 00:10:58,126 --> 00:10:59,727 You need to go and talk to him 311 00:10:59,761 --> 00:11:02,062 so he can tell you how he really feels. 312 00:11:03,698 --> 00:11:04,765 I'll go with you, okay? 313 00:11:04,799 --> 00:11:07,067 - Thanks. - Of course. 314 00:11:07,102 --> 00:11:09,436 Are you guys Frenching? 315 00:11:09,471 --> 00:11:11,071 Okay, say you're Frenching and I'll stop knocking. 316 00:11:11,106 --> 00:11:12,673 Ignore him, okay? Just ignore him. 317 00:11:14,184 --> 00:11:16,205 Remember Cece, no one knows we broke up. 318 00:11:16,740 --> 00:11:18,440 - Not a word. - Nope. 319 00:11:18,475 --> 00:11:21,076 - Hey! - Come here, you. 320 00:11:22,278 --> 00:11:23,312 Why are we doing this? 321 00:11:23,346 --> 00:11:25,180 Uh... 322 00:11:25,215 --> 00:11:27,282 this is, uh, how I, how I greet everyone now. 323 00:11:27,317 --> 00:11:30,519 And then I, uh, do this. 324 00:11:30,553 --> 00:11:31,587 - Then do that. - Oh. 325 00:11:31,621 --> 00:11:32,588 And top it off 326 00:11:32,622 --> 00:11:33,789 with a little bit of that. 327 00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:34,923 You feel me? 328 00:11:34,958 --> 00:11:36,025 This is how you greet everybody now? 329 00:11:36,059 --> 00:11:37,893 Ah, come here, you. 330 00:11:37,927 --> 00:11:39,762 Uh, that wasn't an invitation. 331 00:11:42,666 --> 00:11:43,499 Nick, hi! 332 00:11:43,533 --> 00:11:44,633 Son of a bitch! Come here, you. 333 00:11:44,668 --> 00:11:46,168 What are you doing, man? 334 00:11:46,202 --> 00:11:48,871 - You take the pills? - Uh, I feel as if I'm of cotton. 335 00:11:48,905 --> 00:11:50,239 Sorry for what's about to happen. 336 00:11:55,211 --> 00:11:57,680 Do you have a minute to maybe have a conversation 337 00:11:57,714 --> 00:11:59,014 with your sweet, sweet girlfriend? 338 00:12:02,719 --> 00:12:04,486 I think the only way we're gonna get through this 339 00:12:04,521 --> 00:12:06,088 is if we're really honest with each other 340 00:12:06,122 --> 00:12:07,489 about how we're really feeling. 341 00:12:07,524 --> 00:12:08,691 This morning I told you 342 00:12:08,725 --> 00:12:10,793 I was okay, and... 343 00:12:13,029 --> 00:12:14,229 Why are you winking at me? 344 00:12:14,264 --> 00:12:15,664 - Am I winking? - Yeah. 345 00:12:15,699 --> 00:12:17,266 I think I'm just a little nervous. 346 00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:20,169 I'm gonna put my sunglasses on so we can keep talking. 347 00:12:20,203 --> 00:12:22,004 - Okay, okay. - 'Cause I don't think I can stop this. 348 00:12:22,038 --> 00:12:23,138 Please continue with what you were saying. 349 00:12:23,173 --> 00:12:25,240 Um, I just, um, 350 00:12:25,275 --> 00:12:27,109 want you to tell me how you really feel. 351 00:12:27,143 --> 00:12:30,012 - Great. - Gre... I'm sorry, "Great"? 352 00:12:30,046 --> 00:12:31,947 - I feel great. - Is great the, the, uh, 353 00:12:31,982 --> 00:12:33,349 is the emotion you feel right now? 354 00:12:33,383 --> 00:12:34,750 - No. - Oh. 355 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,587 I feel amazing. 356 00:12:39,756 --> 00:12:41,290 - "Amazing"? - Yeah. 357 00:12:41,324 --> 00:12:43,592 You feel amazing right now? 358 00:12:43,627 --> 00:12:45,194 I just feel happier and amazing 359 00:12:45,228 --> 00:12:46,762 and lighter. 360 00:12:46,796 --> 00:12:48,697 Tonight's about Winston. 361 00:12:48,732 --> 00:12:50,499 You don't have to worry about me 'cause I'm worried 362 00:12:50,533 --> 00:12:51,767 about the Honey Roast. 363 00:12:51,801 --> 00:12:53,168 I'm sorry I forgot 364 00:12:53,203 --> 00:12:55,237 that Winston is the most important thing 365 00:12:55,271 --> 00:12:57,139 that's going on today. 366 00:12:57,173 --> 00:12:58,240 That's where I'm putting all my energies. 367 00:12:58,275 --> 00:12:59,975 Fan... 368 00:13:00,010 --> 00:13:02,411 tastic. 369 00:13:02,445 --> 00:13:04,413 Took a long time to say that word. 370 00:13:04,447 --> 00:13:06,348 There you are! 371 00:13:06,383 --> 00:13:09,084 - We're supposed to be studying. - Come here, you. 372 00:13:09,119 --> 00:13:10,919 Ah, thanks, Coach. I needed this. 373 00:13:12,022 --> 00:13:14,657 Mm. Delightful. 374 00:13:14,691 --> 00:13:16,125 To you, too, my friend. 375 00:13:16,159 --> 00:13:17,159 That is super weird. 376 00:13:17,193 --> 00:13:18,694 What is wrong with you? 377 00:13:18,728 --> 00:13:20,562 What are you scared of a couple practice tests? 378 00:13:20,597 --> 00:13:22,031 Just something more important came up, that's all. 379 00:13:22,065 --> 00:13:23,332 There should be nothing 380 00:13:23,366 --> 00:13:25,834 more important to you, Cece, than your future. 381 00:13:25,869 --> 00:13:27,236 Because nothing is more important 382 00:13:27,270 --> 00:13:28,671 to me than your future. 383 00:13:28,705 --> 00:13:30,239 Do you know how stupid it makes me feel 384 00:13:30,273 --> 00:13:32,041 to care more about your future than you do? 385 00:13:33,376 --> 00:13:34,777 Nick and Jess broke up. 386 00:13:34,811 --> 00:13:36,645 I knew you knew! 387 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:37,646 - Oh! - I knew it! 388 00:13:37,681 --> 00:13:38,914 So, you knew, too. 389 00:13:38,949 --> 00:13:41,250 But you knew and you told. 390 00:13:41,284 --> 00:13:43,118 Look, that was so sweet of you, Schmidt. 391 00:13:43,153 --> 00:13:45,054 Okay? And thank you for believing in me... 392 00:13:45,088 --> 00:13:47,638 - Who gives a rat's A?! - Hmm? 393 00:13:47,688 --> 00:13:49,536 Nick and Jess break up. and you spring this on me 394 00:13:49,571 --> 00:13:51,627 like a, like it's a freaking weather report? 395 00:13:51,661 --> 00:13:54,897 I am a child of divorce! I'm delicate! 396 00:13:54,931 --> 00:13:57,599 Should've graduated the first time around, you buffoon! 397 00:13:57,634 --> 00:13:59,101 Better keep it together, dude. No one can know you know. 398 00:13:59,135 --> 00:14:01,637 Guess what, Cece? 399 00:14:01,671 --> 00:14:03,138 My boyfriend Nick 400 00:14:03,173 --> 00:14:05,074 is totally frickin' fine. 401 00:14:05,108 --> 00:14:07,176 He's actually, he's "amazing." 402 00:14:07,210 --> 00:14:08,811 Okay, wine. 403 00:14:08,845 --> 00:14:11,280 Yeah, make it a big one. A holiday pour. 404 00:14:11,314 --> 00:14:12,948 'Cause today's all about Winston. 405 00:14:12,983 --> 00:14:14,249 Yeah, it's all about Winston. 406 00:14:15,919 --> 00:14:17,319 Somebody say Winston? 407 00:14:18,521 --> 00:14:19,922 - Whoa! - What? 408 00:14:19,956 --> 00:14:24,126 Guys, I gotta say, I am walking on air, I really am. 409 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,127 It's, uh... 410 00:14:25,161 --> 00:14:26,128 Excuse me for a second. 411 00:14:26,162 --> 00:14:27,730 Hey, Winston! 412 00:14:27,764 --> 00:14:30,966 Hey, it's your day! I'm diving in! What can I do? 413 00:14:31,001 --> 00:14:33,869 'Cause today is all about Winston. 414 00:14:33,903 --> 00:14:34,970 Yeah, all about Winston. 415 00:14:35,005 --> 00:14:37,139 - Whatever you want, buddy. - Mm-hmm. 416 00:14:37,173 --> 00:14:38,574 Anything? 417 00:14:38,608 --> 00:14:40,209 My name is Nick Miller 418 00:14:40,243 --> 00:14:43,512 and I'm your host of tonight's Honey Roast. 419 00:14:43,546 --> 00:14:45,514 Thank you! Thank you! 420 00:14:45,548 --> 00:14:48,717 And I'm Furguson the cat. 421 00:14:48,752 --> 00:14:50,185 Ya-ya! 422 00:14:51,817 --> 00:14:54,285 Okay, uh, tonight's Honey Roast, we're gonna keep it sweet, 423 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,688 keep it positive, and most of all, we're gonna keep it cute. 424 00:14:57,723 --> 00:14:59,023 Am I right, Furguson? 425 00:15:01,393 --> 00:15:02,693 Hope that cat's not driving. 426 00:15:02,728 --> 00:15:04,995 How is a cat costume just lying around? 427 00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:06,564 She has four of them. 428 00:15:06,598 --> 00:15:08,504 I'm drinking a "Catbernet." 429 00:15:10,135 --> 00:15:11,102 - That's pretty good. - Okay. 430 00:15:11,136 --> 00:15:12,136 That's pretty good. 431 00:15:13,004 --> 00:15:14,305 A Pinot "meowoir..." 432 00:15:14,339 --> 00:15:15,773 Meow-oi-rr. 433 00:15:15,807 --> 00:15:18,909 If I have one more of these, you're gonna have to point 434 00:15:18,944 --> 00:15:21,512 this old kitty in the direction of my litter box 435 00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:24,582 because I'm gonna need to find it. 436 00:15:24,616 --> 00:15:26,584 Mm, let's keep it cute, guys. 437 00:15:26,618 --> 00:15:28,552 'Cause I'm gonna have to pee. 438 00:15:28,587 --> 00:15:31,622 Speaking of cute, Winston Bishop is so cute... 439 00:15:31,656 --> 00:15:33,724 How cute is he? 440 00:15:33,759 --> 00:15:35,026 How cute am I? 441 00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,992 Teddy bears buy Winston for their kids. 442 00:15:38,430 --> 00:15:40,831 That was good. That is exactly how cute I am. 443 00:15:40,866 --> 00:15:42,733 - Horrible visual. - Want to know how cute you are? 444 00:15:42,768 --> 00:15:43,768 Yeah, I want to know how cute I am. 445 00:15:43,802 --> 00:15:44,735 You want to know how cute you are? 446 00:15:44,770 --> 00:15:45,736 I want to know how cute I am. 447 00:15:45,771 --> 00:15:46,637 Puppys put him... 448 00:15:46,671 --> 00:15:47,905 Not gonna do that one. 449 00:15:47,939 --> 00:15:49,507 Are we still pretending that we don't... 450 00:15:49,541 --> 00:15:51,876 - Relax. Keep it together. - Mm-hmm, it'll be over soon. 451 00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:54,045 - Pretend like you're enjoying this. Smile. - Mm-hmm. 452 00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:57,448 Winston is so cute, he once met a Japanese gal named Ariko, 453 00:15:57,482 --> 00:15:59,884 and she started wearing him as a backpack! 454 00:16:01,686 --> 00:16:03,587 Boom! 455 00:16:03,622 --> 00:16:07,258 Ooh! I did not see that one coming! Oh, my! 456 00:16:07,292 --> 00:16:08,993 - I didn't expect it either. - Surprise ending! 457 00:16:09,027 --> 00:16:12,196 I think it's time, I think it's time 458 00:16:12,230 --> 00:16:13,964 that this cat takes over. 459 00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:16,000 Why hold back? 460 00:16:16,034 --> 00:16:17,802 I feel like we should make this 461 00:16:17,836 --> 00:16:19,303 - a real roast. - Yeah. 462 00:16:19,337 --> 00:16:21,138 - Don't do that. - Mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. 463 00:16:21,173 --> 00:16:22,973 I'm kind of scared, but I'm also kind of excited. 464 00:16:23,008 --> 00:16:25,042 - I think, actually, it's my turn to... - It's my turn! 465 00:16:25,077 --> 00:16:26,811 - Uh... mm-mm. - Okay, back here. 466 00:16:26,845 --> 00:16:27,812 This is the best idea. 467 00:16:27,846 --> 00:16:29,146 I think I should sit down. 468 00:16:29,181 --> 00:16:30,514 Getting a little mean. 469 00:16:30,549 --> 00:16:31,549 Time to add some honey. 470 00:16:31,583 --> 00:16:32,983 Who's in the house? 471 00:16:33,018 --> 00:16:34,151 Coach is in the house. 472 00:16:34,186 --> 00:16:35,653 What-what? 473 00:16:35,687 --> 00:16:37,088 What's up, Coach? 474 00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:40,424 You have so many sweatpants, you need to buy normal pants. 475 00:16:42,461 --> 00:16:44,128 Cece here. 476 00:16:44,162 --> 00:16:45,463 You guys know Cece. 477 00:16:45,497 --> 00:16:48,707 - Your hair's so long. - Well, you're basically busted. 478 00:16:48,743 --> 00:16:49,748 - Good one. - That was good. 479 00:16:49,799 --> 00:16:50,907 - That was really a good one. - That was a good one. 480 00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:52,276 - Schmidt... - Jess, please, don't. 481 00:16:52,316 --> 00:16:53,427 I'm very fragile right now. 482 00:16:53,462 --> 00:16:55,639 Your head's so big. 483 00:16:55,674 --> 00:16:56,907 That actually wasn't that bad. 484 00:16:56,942 --> 00:16:58,476 You got a big-ass head, dude! 485 00:16:58,510 --> 00:16:59,477 And Nick Miller... 486 00:16:59,511 --> 00:17:01,078 Oh, boy. 487 00:17:01,113 --> 00:17:04,215 What can I say about Nick that hasn't already been said? 488 00:17:04,249 --> 00:17:05,282 Oh, here we go. 489 00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:08,586 Nick calls birds "wind mice." 490 00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:09,720 Think about it. 491 00:17:09,755 --> 00:17:12,723 - Nick says "Yahtzee" when he climaxes. - Oh, boy. 492 00:17:12,758 --> 00:17:15,192 He calls turtles "shell beavers." 493 00:17:15,227 --> 00:17:17,495 Well, that's what they should be called. 494 00:17:17,529 --> 00:17:19,663 They're green. Beavers are brown. 495 00:17:19,698 --> 00:17:21,399 We've had this argument and we have agreed 496 00:17:21,433 --> 00:17:23,334 to not talk about it in front of others. 497 00:17:23,368 --> 00:17:24,835 But you know the worst, 498 00:17:24,870 --> 00:17:27,071 worst, worst thing about Nick? 499 00:17:27,105 --> 00:17:30,007 - You don't have to say it. You just... - Mm-mm, mm-mm. 500 00:17:30,042 --> 00:17:33,911 He's okay. 501 00:17:33,945 --> 00:17:35,613 He's okay. 502 00:17:35,647 --> 00:17:37,181 And I am... 503 00:17:37,215 --> 00:17:41,052 not okay. 504 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,754 I'm not okay. 505 00:17:43,789 --> 00:17:45,790 What are you talking about? 506 00:17:46,758 --> 00:17:48,592 Are you nuts? 507 00:17:48,627 --> 00:17:49,593 I'm falling apart. 508 00:17:49,628 --> 00:17:51,028 Yeah, I... 509 00:17:51,063 --> 00:17:53,497 I'm on Schmidt's anti-anxiety medicine. 510 00:17:53,532 --> 00:17:54,899 What?! 511 00:17:54,933 --> 00:17:56,701 Yeah, I stole it from his drawer. 512 00:17:56,735 --> 00:17:57,802 Schmidty's little helpers. 513 00:17:57,836 --> 00:17:59,437 - Ooh. - Sorry about that. 514 00:17:59,471 --> 00:18:01,672 I'm very much not okay! I was only acting okay 515 00:18:01,707 --> 00:18:03,007 'cause I thought you were okay. 516 00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,375 - I'm not okay. - I am not okay. 517 00:18:04,409 --> 00:18:05,843 I'm terrible! 518 00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:09,180 I know I'm smiling right now, but I feel terrible. 519 00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:10,781 - I'm so happy... - Yeah. 520 00:18:10,816 --> 00:18:12,149 ...that you feel terrible. 521 00:18:12,184 --> 00:18:13,153 It's a devastating breakup. 522 00:18:13,919 --> 00:18:15,059 - You know, I know we lived together. - It's really hard. 523 00:18:15,089 --> 00:18:16,563 - It's tricky, you know? - Yeah. 524 00:18:17,089 --> 00:18:18,409 - You know, it sucks. - I really thought we had a future. 525 00:18:18,444 --> 00:18:20,417 Me, too. Yeah, saw the whole thing, the whole thing. 526 00:18:20,589 --> 00:18:22,744 - And now we don't. It's done, yeah. - We have nothing in common. 527 00:18:22,853 --> 00:18:23,882 Yeah. 528 00:18:23,962 --> 00:18:26,063 I also can't stop smiling because of the drugs, 529 00:18:26,098 --> 00:18:27,264 so my face feels crazy. 530 00:18:27,299 --> 00:18:28,699 It feels like I had plastic surgery. 531 00:18:28,734 --> 00:18:29,867 Can somebody please 532 00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,936 tell me what the hell is going on in here? 533 00:18:31,970 --> 00:18:33,471 - You want to do this? - I think we should. 534 00:18:33,505 --> 00:18:34,872 We broke up! 535 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,407 - We're done. It's over. - It's all done. 536 00:18:36,441 --> 00:18:38,409 - Are you serious?! What?! - What?! No! 537 00:18:38,443 --> 00:18:39,944 Come on, guys, it's so obvious. 538 00:18:39,978 --> 00:18:42,079 - Son of a bee sting. - I mean... 539 00:18:42,114 --> 00:18:43,414 What, you broke up today? 540 00:18:43,448 --> 00:18:45,583 - Yesterday. - Yesterday. 541 00:18:45,617 --> 00:18:46,784 Well, why didn't you tell me? 542 00:18:46,818 --> 00:18:49,120 Because we didn't want to ruin your day. 543 00:18:49,154 --> 00:18:51,989 And I'm so sorry we did. We're so proud of you 544 00:18:52,024 --> 00:18:53,657 that you got into the police academy, 545 00:18:53,692 --> 00:18:55,993 but we're just, we're in a really bad zone. 546 00:18:56,028 --> 00:18:58,896 - Yeah, a too bad zone. - So let's just come out and admit it. 547 00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:00,297 We're in a terrible zone. 548 00:19:00,332 --> 00:19:01,832 Are you kidding me? 549 00:19:01,867 --> 00:19:03,100 Something this big happens 550 00:19:03,135 --> 00:19:05,836 and you guys still look out for me? 551 00:19:05,871 --> 00:19:06,971 I mean, that's... Thank you. 552 00:19:07,005 --> 00:19:09,373 I really appreciate it, you guys, 553 00:19:09,408 --> 00:19:10,908 but I'm here for whatever you need. 554 00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:12,543 Thank you, buddy. 555 00:19:19,685 --> 00:19:22,019 Look, I know this is super weird and... 556 00:19:22,054 --> 00:19:24,388 definitely high on anxiety pills but... 557 00:19:24,423 --> 00:19:26,957 I'd like everybody to hold hands in this moment. 558 00:19:26,992 --> 00:19:28,859 - No. - Just do it, man. That's it. 559 00:19:28,894 --> 00:19:29,927 - Everybody? - Oh. 560 00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:32,263 - It's two ladies. - I'm okay. 561 00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:33,831 This feels good. 562 00:19:33,865 --> 00:19:36,100 Om... 563 00:19:42,207 --> 00:19:44,542 Let's never tell anyone we did this. 564 00:19:44,576 --> 00:19:46,677 Should we all try to live inside a peach, 565 00:19:46,712 --> 00:19:48,813 or is that weird? 566 00:19:48,847 --> 00:19:52,483 Guys, in light of what's been going on, 567 00:19:52,517 --> 00:19:54,318 I will be postponing the Honey Roast 568 00:19:54,353 --> 00:19:56,153 - until tomorrow night. - Okay. 569 00:19:56,188 --> 00:19:57,288 - Ah! - No. 570 00:19:57,322 --> 00:19:58,289 - No way. - Not doing this. 571 00:19:58,323 --> 00:19:59,890 We could say everybody come back, 572 00:19:59,925 --> 00:20:01,959 - Sorry, Winston. - everybody come back the same time, so... 573 00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:04,862 then you guys all get to wear white. 574 00:20:17,743 --> 00:20:18,709 Hi, again. 575 00:20:20,979 --> 00:20:23,347 I'm watching Dirty Dancing. 576 00:20:23,382 --> 00:20:24,982 I know. I've heard all three screenings. 577 00:20:25,017 --> 00:20:27,184 I just don't understand how Penny got in trouble. 578 00:20:27,219 --> 00:20:28,953 Well, you know, it was a different time. 579 00:20:28,987 --> 00:20:30,154 Who wins in a fight? 580 00:20:30,188 --> 00:20:32,957 Swayze from Dirty Dancing 581 00:20:32,991 --> 00:20:34,558 or Swayze from Roadhouse? 582 00:20:34,593 --> 00:20:37,528 I think, uh, To Wong Foo Swayze would win. 583 00:20:37,562 --> 00:20:38,963 Jess, this is really hard. 584 00:20:38,997 --> 00:20:40,564 I don't know what to do. 585 00:20:40,599 --> 00:20:42,400 I don't know what to call you. 586 00:20:42,434 --> 00:20:44,101 It's like a riddle. 587 00:20:44,136 --> 00:20:45,536 I know! 588 00:20:45,570 --> 00:20:48,305 I don't know where to change or where to sleep 589 00:20:48,340 --> 00:20:49,874 or where to go to the bathroom. 590 00:20:49,908 --> 00:20:52,276 Well, I know where to go to the bathroom. 591 00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:54,512 But you know, the social component. 592 00:20:56,581 --> 00:20:59,150 Oh, no. 593 00:20:59,184 --> 00:21:00,317 I'm out of tissues. 594 00:21:00,352 --> 00:21:01,352 I got it. 595 00:21:02,654 --> 00:21:03,621 Heads up! 596 00:21:03,655 --> 00:21:05,923 Oh! Hey. 597 00:21:05,957 --> 00:21:07,525 Thank you. 598 00:21:07,559 --> 00:21:10,528 No problem. That's what I'm here for. 599 00:21:10,562 --> 00:21:12,830 Good night, honey. 600 00:21:12,864 --> 00:21:14,231 Good night. 601 00:21:22,874 --> 00:21:26,544 ♪ Hungry eyes ♪ 602 00:21:26,578 --> 00:21:29,180 ♪ One look at you and I can't disguise ♪ 603 00:21:29,214 --> 00:21:31,148 ♪ ...guise, I got hungry eyes... ♪ 604 00:21:31,183 --> 00:21:32,383 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com