1 00:00:04,071 --> 00:00:06,129 [SIGHS] Ripped By mstoll 2 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,635 [GRUNTS] 3 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,604 "You and Jess broke up." 4 00:00:15,882 --> 00:00:18,442 Oh, man. 5 00:00:20,887 --> 00:00:23,617 "Bed got burned." 6 00:00:26,159 --> 00:00:28,184 I thought it was a dream. 7 00:00:28,428 --> 00:00:32,694 "It was not a dream." I'm almost scared to see what's on the other side. 8 00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:36,530 "Writing left-handed is harb." 9 00:00:47,147 --> 00:00:48,409 - Oh. - Aaah! 10 00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:49,980 Goodness, hi. Sorry. 11 00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:53,084 I was just changing in the closet like Superman. 12 00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:55,218 Are we allowed to see each other naked? 13 00:00:55,455 --> 00:00:56,513 - Yes. - Do you think so? 14 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,854 - I don't know. Maybe. - Hmm. 15 00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:02,493 - Definitely not. - Definitely not. 16 00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:06,021 Boob season's over for you. 17 00:01:06,266 --> 00:01:08,234 - Mind if I grab my sock? - No, go ahead. 18 00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:10,493 - Close my eyes. - Okay. 19 00:01:10,970 --> 00:01:12,062 - Hey. - Whoa! 20 00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:15,398 - So how you doing? - I'm really good. 21 00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:18,611 - Good. Really enjoying the break-up. - How about you? Yeah. 22 00:01:18,878 --> 00:01:21,574 - I think I'm handling it well. - Yeah, you are. You're... 23 00:01:21,848 --> 00:01:24,214 You're not drunk, haven't left me 300 voice mails. 24 00:01:24,451 --> 00:01:28,182 - You're not crying while watching Ghost. - Well, it's Dirty Dancing. 25 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:30,389 Doesn't Swayze do a dirty dance with clay? 26 00:01:30,623 --> 00:01:35,083 That's not Dirty Dancing. It's Ghost. It's a different movie. 27 00:01:35,361 --> 00:01:36,885 Which one takes place at camp? 28 00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:38,927 Dirty Dancing. 29 00:01:39,566 --> 00:01:40,692 Which one's Whoopi in? 30 00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:43,368 - Stop asking me questions about them. - Drop it. 31 00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:50,442 So I saw this TV show about monkeys in India, and one of the monkeys... 32 00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:54,773 ...when it gets nervous and it wants to play submissive, it goes like this: 33 00:01:55,882 --> 00:01:58,783 That lets the other monkeys know it doesn't want trouble. 34 00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:01,219 That's cool. 35 00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:06,349 They also give each other oral pleasure, and they masturbate. 36 00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:12,389 [CHUCKLES] 37 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,460 - So, what do we do now, Jess? - Well, normally I would go home... 38 00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:19,569 ...but I am home so can't do that. 39 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,274 - I know where you live. - And I live where you live. 40 00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:26,104 - Should we tell the people we live with? - Yeah, let's do that. 41 00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:29,008 [SINGING] Bad boys, bad boys Whatcha gonna do? 42 00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:31,614 Whatcha gonna do when I come for you? 43 00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:34,582 - Hey guys, we have... - Big news. 44 00:02:35,455 --> 00:02:37,423 I just got into the police academy. 45 00:02:38,958 --> 00:02:41,188 [SINGING] Police now give me no breaks 46 00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:43,429 That soldier man give me no break 47 00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:45,597 He knows. You are a cop. 48 00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:49,495 My uncle was on COPS a bunch of times. He got no residuals though. He's poor. 49 00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:52,432 That really is big news. Big news. 50 00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,970 What a happy, happy day. Huzzah! 51 00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:58,006 To celebrate, I'm gonna have a banquet in my honor. 52 00:02:58,244 --> 00:03:00,212 A banquet for yourself? That seems tacky. 53 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:04,644 Can anyone here think of any reason why today should not be all about me? 54 00:03:08,087 --> 00:03:10,988 - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? 55 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,091 - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? 56 00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:14,282 It's Jess 57 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:18,361 - I guess we're not telling. - Didn't seem right. 58 00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:21,399 So we have to pretend to be a couple for one more day. 59 00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:24,629 - It's not a big deal. It's gonna be easy. - Yeah. 60 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:27,840 So we broke up? What's the difference? 61 00:03:28,074 --> 00:03:29,666 I couldn't be more okay with it. 62 00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:32,336 Well, I couldn't be more okay either. 63 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:36,076 - Great. Me too. - Capital O, capital K... 64 00:03:36,349 --> 00:03:39,546 ...capital A, capital Y. I'm okay. 65 00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:42,414 I'm not okay, Mom. 66 00:03:42,622 --> 00:03:44,180 I'm not okay. 67 00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:48,690 I'm not okay. I'm sorry to pull you out of your dance class. 68 00:03:50,129 --> 00:03:52,689 Oh, the recital was today? 69 00:03:52,932 --> 00:03:57,995 I know we did the right thing. I just... I feel like, really upset... 70 00:03:58,204 --> 00:04:02,834 ...and Nick seems totally okay and I guess I need someone to tell me it's gonna be fine. 71 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,340 It's not gonna be fine, Jess. 72 00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:07,705 I'm never gonna be a grandmother. 73 00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:10,745 What...? Mom, stop crying. 74 00:04:11,017 --> 00:04:14,214 You don't even have to love him. Just get that sperm cooking. 75 00:04:14,454 --> 00:04:16,922 - Mom. - I'm sorry, honey. I just... 76 00:04:17,156 --> 00:04:21,388 - You know, this is where I'm at right now. - This was really comforting, Mom. 77 00:04:21,628 --> 00:04:24,392 It's like I'm in the womb. Sucking my thumb. 78 00:04:24,631 --> 00:04:26,758 Of course she doesn't know I'm in pain, Tran. 79 00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:30,525 I'm hiding it like you're supposed to. But I'm lying to my best friend. 80 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:35,268 You're also my best friend. Don't... 81 00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:38,374 Don't start that weird jazz train. 82 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:40,943 I don't know how I'm gonna hold it all together. 83 00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:44,377 I can't talk about it with anyone all day. I feel like a piņata. 84 00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:46,142 You know, I'm just gonna pop. 85 00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:52,422 What does that mean? The problem is the solution. 86 00:04:53,326 --> 00:04:56,159 Oh, you mean, just focus myself on Winston... 87 00:04:56,429 --> 00:04:59,159 ...and I won't have time to think about Jess. 88 00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:03,326 That's really smart but that's not exactly "the problem is the solution." 89 00:05:03,603 --> 00:05:06,663 Do you know what I mean? That's like a cool sentence... 90 00:05:06,939 --> 00:05:08,804 ...but it's more just "stay busy," right? 91 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:15,805 Thanks, Tran. If I had met you in your prime during the war, that would've been glorious. 92 00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:19,117 But we would've been enemies, and tried to murder one another... 93 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,913 ...unless we formed an alliance. Oh. 94 00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:25,448 You and me forming an alliance in an old-school war? 95 00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:30,186 That's a fantasy. Or a novel. You just gave me another idea. 96 00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:36,565 Winston, I've been thinking about it and a banquet is not big enough. 97 00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:39,670 You're not retiring from some insurance company. 98 00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:43,774 So, what do you really want, besides a piņata? Dream big. 99 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:47,309 Dream big. Okay, if I had my druthers... 100 00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:51,847 ...you know, 100 percent of my druthers, I gotta go Honey Roast. 101 00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:54,518 What? Don't say it like it's some thing we know. 102 00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:57,450 It's a roast, except you say nice things about me. 103 00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,521 A Honey Roast. 104 00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:01,619 - Huh. - You know? 105 00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:03,591 I can't wait to make that happen. 106 00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:05,491 - Serious? - He thinks you're serious. 107 00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:08,724 - How do I do it? - You get everybody to say cute stuff. 108 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:12,300 You know, all the, like, funny stuff that makes me sweet, you know? 109 00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:16,804 - Done. What else? - What? There's more? 110 00:06:17,777 --> 00:06:20,302 - Make me a prominent chair. - A throne? 111 00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,309 A throne? Who am I, CeeLo? 112 00:06:22,915 --> 00:06:26,009 No, it's me. I'm still the same person. I'm not gonna change. 113 00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:29,312 - Stop touching me. - I'm still the same person. Make me a chair. 114 00:06:29,522 --> 00:06:32,355 Then you shall have that, Winston. What else you want? 115 00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:35,026 I'm thinking maybe you should emcee my roast. 116 00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:38,025 - I will. - Can you do it dressed as Furguson? 117 00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:42,127 - I'm not gonna do that. - It might be special. 118 00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:44,928 No, it's strange. I'm gonna get started on that chair. 119 00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:48,665 This just in. The dress code for Winston's banquet tonight is... 120 00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:51,001 "Is optional." 121 00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:53,405 Why write "optional?" That's a mistake, right? 122 00:06:53,613 --> 00:06:56,173 - They're gonna give him a gun? - What are you doing? 123 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,447 Thought it was time I graduated high school. 124 00:07:01,687 --> 00:07:03,052 I'm proud of you. 125 00:07:03,289 --> 00:07:05,519 That's it? No snide comments? 126 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:08,556 I've got legions, but I'm gonna be supportive. 127 00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:13,154 - Legions means "a lot." - I know what legions means. 128 00:07:13,399 --> 00:07:16,698 I probably won't take the test. I failed the last five practice exams. 129 00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:19,633 - So that seems like a bad sign. - Of course you're failing. 130 00:07:19,872 --> 00:07:22,466 You're studying in a rowdy tavern. Chumbawamba's playing. 131 00:07:22,708 --> 00:07:26,474 It's not even "Tubthumping." You're writing with what looks to be a golf pencil. 132 00:07:26,712 --> 00:07:29,613 Where are your flashcards? Do you not have one single flashcard? 133 00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:33,445 There's maraschino goo everywhere. You don't have a flashcard? I'm taking over. 134 00:07:33,653 --> 00:07:36,087 - You need a tutor. I'll do it. - I have a boyfriend. 135 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:39,816 The hunky Australian? Congratulations. Cece, this is about your education. 136 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,385 Nothing more. 137 00:07:42,328 --> 00:07:45,764 - He's actually from Perth, so... - Perth is in Australia, Cece. 138 00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:48,797 We'll start with geography. 139 00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:55,100 Ugh, Cece, I really need... 140 00:07:57,176 --> 00:08:00,942 ...to ask Schmidt if my outfit's working. 141 00:08:01,180 --> 00:08:03,114 It is not. 142 00:08:04,717 --> 00:08:07,083 I was in the middle of tutoring Cece. Make it quick. 143 00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:08,514 I know why you're upset. 144 00:08:08,788 --> 00:08:11,723 I should've asked you to tutor me, but he just volunteered. 145 00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:16,019 - And I figured you'd be busy with Nick. - I'm not busy with Nick anymore. 146 00:08:16,295 --> 00:08:18,092 Oh, no. 147 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,257 Did you guys break up? 148 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,330 SCHMIDT: Jess, are you pregnant? 149 00:08:28,274 --> 00:08:30,333 I feel like I made it weird, you guys. 150 00:08:30,576 --> 00:08:32,942 Did I make it weird? Because I really feel I did. 151 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,807 I feel like in my heart that was the wrong thing to say... 152 00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:39,348 ...especially to two women who are sitting alone in a room together. 153 00:08:39,552 --> 00:08:42,988 I don't know where you guys are at, but you're getting to an age... 154 00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:46,784 ...where babies are on your mind. I didn't want to throw that into the mix. 155 00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:48,790 I could see that you were emotional... 156 00:08:48,995 --> 00:08:51,520 ...and I don't want to make you more emotional. 157 00:08:51,797 --> 00:08:54,391 And Cece, you can probably barely spell pregnancy. 158 00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:56,794 And I feel terrible. 159 00:08:57,937 --> 00:09:01,873 Are you freaking razzing me in there? Did I just hear a razz? Damn it! 160 00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:06,341 So you're really building Winston's throne, huh? 161 00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:07,739 It's a prominent chair. 162 00:09:07,947 --> 00:09:10,142 And it's not right. It's not regal enough! 163 00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:15,684 - How long have you been doing this? - I'm trying to think of cute things to say. 164 00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:19,551 - I got great stuff about his feet. - What are you saying? You sound insane. 165 00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:21,954 If anything's cute about Winston, it's his yawn. 166 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,030 [YAWNS] 167 00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:27,588 He goes like: 168 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:28,767 [YAWNS] 169 00:09:28,968 --> 00:09:31,095 - Can I use that? - You're scaring me, man. 170 00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:33,668 Like, for real. Like, I'm scared for you. 171 00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:36,204 Don't do that voice. It makes me confess things. 172 00:09:36,442 --> 00:09:40,310 - I'm really scared for you. - I broke up with Jess. 173 00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:43,276 - You broke up with Jess? - [WHISPERS] I broke up with Jess. 174 00:09:43,482 --> 00:09:46,076 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Or she broke up with me. I don't know. 175 00:09:46,285 --> 00:09:49,015 Well, at least that explains all of that. Kind of. 176 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:53,021 I just feel like I'm falling apart. Like, my brain feels like spaghetti... 177 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:57,252 ...and my future feels like a dark hole that I can't stop falling down. 178 00:09:57,496 --> 00:10:01,432 You can't show her this pain, or she'll freak out and it'll be over. 179 00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:04,102 I wish someone told me that when Malia and I broke up. 180 00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:07,203 Malia, I'm in pain and I want you to know. 181 00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:08,703 [SOBBING] 182 00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:12,605 I want to get this pain out of my body. 183 00:10:13,512 --> 00:10:17,039 I haven't seen her since. I still read her e-mails though. 184 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:18,614 - Every day. - Every day. 185 00:10:18,884 --> 00:10:20,715 - Every damn day. - Every day. 186 00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:23,387 You have to hide your feelings no matter what. 187 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,114 And I am. She thinks I'm okay. That's my game plan... 188 00:10:26,392 --> 00:10:30,158 I'm talking about pills, man. Schmidt's got some anxiety pills in his drawer. 189 00:10:30,429 --> 00:10:31,919 - That's a great idea. - Do it. 190 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,759 Don't tell other roommates about the breakup. 191 00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:37,936 I thought I made it clear I do not want to talk about this. 192 00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:40,735 He just seems so fine with it. 193 00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:44,633 Like, he's happier than me... 194 00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:47,071 ...watching Coach watching Winston yawn. 195 00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:59,247 I'm sure he's just as sad as you are. 196 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:04,429 It's an act. You need to go and talk to him so he can tell you how he really feels. 197 00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:07,689 - I'll go with you, okay? - Thanks. 198 00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:09,264 Of course. 199 00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:11,600 SCHMIDT: Are you guys Frenching? 200 00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:15,262 - Say you're Frenching and I'll stop knocking. - Ignore him. Just ignore him. 201 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,910 JESS: Remember, Cece, no one knows we broke up. 202 00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:22,478 Not a word. Hey. 203 00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:24,980 Come here, you. 204 00:11:25,651 --> 00:11:27,642 Why are we doing this? 205 00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:30,617 Uh, this is how I greet everyone now. 206 00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:37,056 Then I do this and I do that and top it off with a little bit of that. 207 00:11:37,329 --> 00:11:39,991 - Ha-ha-ha. You feel me? - That's how you greet everybody now? 208 00:11:40,232 --> 00:11:42,962 - Come here, you. - That wasn't an invitation. 209 00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:47,665 - Nick, hi. - Son of a bitch. 210 00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:49,374 - Come here. - What are you doing? 211 00:11:49,608 --> 00:11:52,008 - Take the pills? - I feel as if I'm of cotton. 212 00:11:52,244 --> 00:11:54,508 I'm sorry for what's about to happen. 213 00:11:58,617 --> 00:12:03,316 Do you have a minute to maybe have a conversation with your sweet girlfriend? 214 00:12:05,357 --> 00:12:07,825 I think the only way we're gonna get through this... 215 00:12:08,027 --> 00:12:11,326 ...is if we're honest with each other about how we're really feeling. 216 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:14,032 This morning I told you I was okay and... 217 00:12:16,502 --> 00:12:18,436 - Why are you winking at me? - Am I winking? 218 00:12:18,637 --> 00:12:21,071 - Yeah. - I think I'm just a little nervous. 219 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,608 I'm gonna put my sunglasses on so we can keep talking. 220 00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:27,345 - Okay. - Please continue what you were saying. 221 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,242 I just want you to tell me how you really feel. 222 00:12:30,516 --> 00:12:33,110 - Great. - Great... I'm sorry, great? 223 00:12:33,385 --> 00:12:36,548 - I feel great. - Great is the emotion you feel right now? 224 00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:37,915 - No. - Oh. 225 00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:42,423 I feel amazing. 226 00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,426 - Amazing? - Yeah. 227 00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:46,759 You feel amazing right now? 228 00:12:47,032 --> 00:12:49,933 I just feel happier and amazing and lighter. 229 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,930 Tonight's about Winston. 230 00:12:52,138 --> 00:12:55,005 You don't have to worry because I'm worried about the roast. 231 00:12:55,241 --> 00:13:00,406 I'm sorry, I forgot that Winston is the most important thing that's going on today. 232 00:13:00,646 --> 00:13:05,549 - That's where I'm putting all my energies. - Fantastic. 233 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,548 Took a long time to say that word. 234 00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,547 There you are. We're supposed to be studying. 235 00:13:10,756 --> 00:13:12,121 Come here, you. 236 00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:13,916 Thanks, Coach. I needed this. 237 00:13:16,095 --> 00:13:17,790 Delightful. 238 00:13:18,063 --> 00:13:19,655 To you too, my friend. 239 00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:21,832 - This is weird. - What is wrong with you? 240 00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:25,434 - You scared of practice tests? - Something more important came up. 241 00:13:25,671 --> 00:13:29,163 There should be nothing more important to you, Cece, than your future. 242 00:13:29,441 --> 00:13:31,807 Because nothing is more important to me. 243 00:13:32,077 --> 00:13:36,571 Do you know how stupid it makes me feel to care more about your future than you? 244 00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:37,940 Nick and Jess broke up. 245 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,777 COACH: Ha-ha-ha! I knew you knew. 246 00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:42,283 - I knew it. - So you knew too. 247 00:13:42,521 --> 00:13:44,489 But you knew and you told. 248 00:13:44,723 --> 00:13:48,250 Look, that was so sweet of you, okay? Thank you for believing in me. 249 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:50,655 Who gives a rat's A? 250 00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:53,558 Nick and Jess break up and you spring this on me like... 251 00:13:53,799 --> 00:13:58,099 Like it's a freaking weather report? I am a child of divorce. I'm delicate. 252 00:13:58,337 --> 00:14:00,771 Should've graduated the first time, you buffoon. 253 00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:03,338 - No one can know you know. JESS: Guess what, Cece? 254 00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,637 My boyfriend, Nick... 255 00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:10,440 ...is totally freaking fine. He's actually amazing. 256 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:14,449 - Oh, God. Wine. - Yeah, make it a big one. A holiday pour. 257 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,485 - Because today is about Winston. NICK: Yeah, it's about Winston. 258 00:14:19,725 --> 00:14:21,659 Somebody say Winston? 259 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,123 - Whoa! - What? 260 00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:25,297 Guys, I gotta say I am walking on air. 261 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:29,661 I really am. It's... Excuse me for a second. 262 00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:34,100 Hey, Winston. Hey, it's your day. I'm diving in. What can I do? 263 00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:36,399 Because today is all about Winston. 264 00:14:36,675 --> 00:14:38,302 Yeah, all about Winston. 265 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:40,375 - Whatever you want, buddy. - Yup. 266 00:14:40,579 --> 00:14:41,705 Anything? 267 00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:46,611 My name is Nick Miller and I'm your host of tonight's Honey Roast. 268 00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:48,617 WINSTON: Thank you. Thank you. 269 00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:51,856 And I'm Furguson the cat. 270 00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:53,691 Yup, yup! 271 00:14:56,428 --> 00:14:59,226 Okay, tonight's Honey Roast, we're gonna keep it sweet... 272 00:14:59,465 --> 00:15:03,697 ...keep it positive, and most of all, we're gonna keep it cute. Am I right, Furguson? 273 00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:09,666 - I hope that cat's not driving. - Who has a cat costume just lying around? 274 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,844 - She has four of them. - I'm drinking a Cat-bernet. 275 00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:14,569 [LAUGHING] 276 00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:16,645 - That's pretty good. Pretty good. NICK: Okay. 277 00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:20,744 A Pinot Mew-oir. Meow-oir. 278 00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:23,717 If I have one more, you're gonna have to point this kitty... 279 00:15:23,956 --> 00:15:26,447 ...in the direction of my litter box... 280 00:15:26,725 --> 00:15:28,920 ...because I'm gonna need to find it. 281 00:15:29,828 --> 00:15:33,025 - Let's keep it cute, guys. - Because I'm gonna have to pee. 282 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:36,166 Speaking of cute, Winston Bishop is so cute... 283 00:15:36,402 --> 00:15:38,302 ALL: How cute is he? 284 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:39,562 How cute am I? 285 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:42,900 - Teddy bears buy Winston for their kids. - Ha, ha. 286 00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,305 - That was good. That's how cute I am. - Horrible visual. 287 00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:48,309 - Wanna know how cute you are? - Yeah. 288 00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:50,277 - You wanna know? - I wanna know. 289 00:15:50,482 --> 00:15:52,450 Puppies... Not gonna do that one. 290 00:15:52,718 --> 00:15:55,585 - We still pretending we don't know? - Relax. Keep it together. 291 00:15:55,821 --> 00:15:58,688 - Pretend like you're enjoying this. Smile. - Be over soon. 292 00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:01,984 Winston is so cute he once met a Japanese gal named Ariko... 293 00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:04,559 ...and she started wearing him as a backpack. 294 00:16:04,763 --> 00:16:06,253 [BOTH LAUGHING] 295 00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,155 Oh! 296 00:16:09,668 --> 00:16:11,761 I did not see that one coming. Oh, my. 297 00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:14,131 - I didn't expect that either. - Surprise ending. 298 00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:18,401 I think it's time... I think it's time that this cat takes over. 299 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:23,809 Why hold back? I feel like we should make this a real roast. 300 00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:25,607 SCHMIDT: Don't do that. CECE: Uh-uh. 301 00:16:25,851 --> 00:16:28,752 - I'm scared but I'm also excited. - I think it's my turn... 302 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,979 It's my turn! 303 00:16:31,256 --> 00:16:33,656 - Okay. Is this the best idea? - I should sit down. 304 00:16:33,892 --> 00:16:36,019 Getting a little mean. Time to add some honey. 305 00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:38,525 Who's in the house? Coach is in the house. 306 00:16:38,797 --> 00:16:41,027 - Coach in the house. - What's up, Coach? 307 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:44,861 You have so many sweatpants you need to buy normal pants. 308 00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:46,867 [LAUGHS] 309 00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:49,939 Cece, here. You guys know Cece. 310 00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:53,511 - Your hair is so long. - Well, you're basically busted. 311 00:16:53,779 --> 00:16:55,440 - Good one. - That was really good. 312 00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:57,876 - Schmidt. - Jess, please. I'm very fragile. 313 00:16:58,150 --> 00:17:00,118 Your head's so big. 314 00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,616 - That wasn't that bad. - You got a big ass head. 315 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:05,688 - And Nick Miller. - Oh, boy. 316 00:17:05,924 --> 00:17:08,757 What can I say about Nick that hasn't already been said? 317 00:17:08,994 --> 00:17:12,555 - Here we go. - Nick calls birds "wind mice." 318 00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:14,197 Think about it. 319 00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:17,266 - Nick says "Yahtzee" when he climaxes. - Oh, boy. 320 00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:19,835 He calls turtles "shell beavers." 321 00:17:20,072 --> 00:17:22,006 Well, that's what they should be called. 322 00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:24,175 They're green. Beavers are brown. 323 00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:26,901 We agreed to not talk about it in front of others. 324 00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:31,513 But do you know the worst, worst, worst thing about Nick? 325 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:33,412 - You don't have to say it. CECE: Uh-uh. 326 00:17:35,821 --> 00:17:38,085 He's okay. 327 00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:39,887 He's okay. 328 00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:41,592 And I am... 329 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,159 ...not okay. 330 00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:48,229 I am not okay. 331 00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:53,100 What are you talking about? Are you nuts? 332 00:17:53,372 --> 00:17:58,002 I'm falling apart. Yeah, I'm on Schmidt's anti-anxiety medicine. 333 00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:01,212 - What? - Yeah, I stole it from his drawer. 334 00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:03,938 - Schmidty's little helpers. - Sorry about that. 335 00:18:04,216 --> 00:18:07,674 I'm not okay. I was only acting okay because I thought you were okay. 336 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,547 - I'm not okay. - I am not okay. 337 00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:12,552 - I'm terrible. - I know I'm smiling right now... 338 00:18:12,791 --> 00:18:16,625 ...but I feel terrible. Yeah. - I'm so happy that you feel terrible. 339 00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:18,362 It's a devastating break up. 340 00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:20,565 - It's really hard. - It's tricky, you know? 341 00:18:20,799 --> 00:18:22,892 I really thought we had a future together. 342 00:18:23,135 --> 00:18:25,831 Me too, yeah. The whole thing. And now we don't. 343 00:18:26,071 --> 00:18:28,403 - We have nothing in common. - Yeah. 344 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,938 I also can't stop smiling because of the drugs... 345 00:18:31,176 --> 00:18:34,339 ...so my face feels crazy. It feels like I had plastic surgery. 346 00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:36,445 Can somebody tell me what is going on? 347 00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:38,343 - Wanna do this? - I think we should. 348 00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:40,916 - We broke up. It's over. - We broke up, we're done. 349 00:18:41,153 --> 00:18:42,916 - Are you serious? What! - No! 350 00:18:43,155 --> 00:18:45,419 - Come on, it's so obvious. - Son of a bee sting. 351 00:18:45,657 --> 00:18:47,887 - Ay me. - What? You broke up today? 352 00:18:48,827 --> 00:18:50,055 - Yesterday. - Yesterday. 353 00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:53,128 - Why didn't you tell me? - We didn't want to ruin your day... 354 00:18:53,398 --> 00:18:54,865 ...and I'm so sorry we did. 355 00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:58,126 We're so proud of you that you got into the police academy. 356 00:18:58,403 --> 00:19:02,931 But we're just in a really bad zone, so let's just come out and admit it. 357 00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:06,303 - We're in a terrible zone. - Are you kidding me? 358 00:19:06,545 --> 00:19:10,311 Something this big happens and you guys still look out for me? 359 00:19:10,549 --> 00:19:13,109 I mean, that's... Thank you. I appreciate it, guys. 360 00:19:13,352 --> 00:19:17,015 - But I'm here for whatever you need. - Thank you, buddy. 361 00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:28,126 Look, I know this is super weird, and I'm definitely high on anxiety pills... 362 00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:31,427 ...but I'd like everybody to hold hands in this moment. 363 00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:33,433 - No. - Just do it, man. I insist. 364 00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:36,903 - It's a great idea. - There's two ladies. Okay. 365 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:38,303 This feels good. 366 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:40,671 Ohm... 367 00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:45,510 ALL: Ohm... 368 00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:49,045 Let's never tell anyone we did this. 369 00:19:49,321 --> 00:19:53,155 Should we all try to live inside a peach or is that weird? 370 00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:56,527 Guys, in light of what's been going on... 371 00:19:56,762 --> 00:20:00,129 ...I will be postponing the Honey Roast until tomorrow night. 372 00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,833 - Okay. - No. 373 00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:06,560 Then everybody can come back... Everybody come back same time. 374 00:20:06,838 --> 00:20:09,204 Then you guys all get to wear white. 375 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,203 [ERIC CARMEN'S "HUNGRY EYES" PLAYING ON TV] 376 00:20:12,411 --> 00:20:14,140 Hungry eyes 377 00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:17,515 One look at you and I can't disguise 378 00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:18,705 [RINGING] 379 00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:23,320 I've got hungry eyes 380 00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:25,490 Hi again. 381 00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:29,023 - I'm watching Dirty Dancing. - I know, I've heard all three screenings. 382 00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:31,593 I just don't understand how Penny got in trouble. 383 00:20:31,863 --> 00:20:34,696 - Well, it was a different time. - Who wins in a fight? 384 00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:39,029 Swayze from Dirty Dancing or Swayze from Road House? 385 00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:42,001 I think To Wong Foo Swayze would win. 386 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:45,108 Jess, this is really hard. I don't know what to do. 387 00:20:45,377 --> 00:20:48,608 I don't know what to call you. It's like a riddle. 388 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,782 I know. I don't know where to change or where to sleep... 389 00:20:53,051 --> 00:20:55,110 ...or where to go to the bathroom. 390 00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:57,412 Well, I know where to go to the bathroom. 391 00:20:57,656 --> 00:20:59,954 But, you know, it's the social component. 392 00:21:00,158 --> 00:21:01,716 [CHUCKLES] 393 00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:05,294 Oh, no. I'm out of tissues. 394 00:21:05,530 --> 00:21:07,225 NICK: I got it. 395 00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:09,426 Heads up. 396 00:21:09,635 --> 00:21:11,967 Hey. Thank you. 397 00:21:12,170 --> 00:21:14,730 NICK: No problem. That's what I'm here for. 398 00:21:16,074 --> 00:21:19,100 - Good night, honey. - Good night. 399 00:21:24,650 --> 00:21:27,312 With these 400 00:21:27,519 --> 00:21:31,011 [SINGING] Hungry eyes 401 00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:35,889 - One look at you and I can't disguise NICK: Can't disguise, I got 402 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,892 JESS & NICK: Hungry eyes Ripped By mstoll