[SIGHS] Ripped By mstoll
[GRUNTS]
"You and Jess broke up."
Oh, man.
"Bed got burned."
I thought it was a dream.
"It was not a dream." I'm almost scared to see what's on the other side.
"Writing left-handed is harb."
- Oh. - Aaah!
Goodness, hi. Sorry.
I was just changing in the closet like Superman.
Are we allowed to see each other naked?
- Yes. - Do you think so?
- I don't know. Maybe. - Hmm.
- Definitely not. - Definitely not.
Boob season's over for you.
- Mind if I grab my sock? - No, go ahead.
- Close my eyes. - Okay.
- Hey. - Whoa!
- So how you doing? - I'm really good.
- Good. Really enjoying the break-up. - How about you? Yeah.
- I think I'm handling it well. - Yeah, you are. You're...
You're not drunk, haven't left me 300 voice mails.
- You're not crying while watching Ghost. - Well, it's Dirty Dancing.
Doesn't Swayze do a dirty dance with clay?
That's not Dirty Dancing. It's Ghost. It's a different movie.
Which one takes place at camp?
Dirty Dancing.
Which one's Whoopi in?
- Stop asking me questions about them. - Drop it.
So I saw this TV show about monkeys in India, and one of the monkeys...
...when it gets nervous and it wants to play submissive, it goes like this:
That lets the other monkeys know it doesn't want trouble.
That's cool.
They also give each other oral pleasure, and they masturbate.
[CHUCKLES]
- So, what do we do now, Jess? - Well, normally I would go home...
...but I am home so can't do that.
- I know where you live. - And I live where you live.
- Should we tell the people we live with? - Yeah, let's do that.
[SINGING] Bad boys, bad boys Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when I come for you?
- Hey guys, we have... - Big news.
I just got into the police academy.
[SINGING] Police now give me no breaks
That soldier man give me no break
He knows. You are a cop.
My uncle was on COPS a bunch of times. He got no residuals though. He's poor.
That really is big news. Big news.
What a happy, happy day. Huzzah!
To celebrate, I'm gonna have a banquet in my honor.
A banquet for yourself? That seems tacky.
Can anyone here think of any reason why today should not be all about me?
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?
It's Jess
- I guess we're not telling. - Didn't seem right.
So we have to pretend to be a couple for one more day.
- It's not a big deal. It's gonna be easy. - Yeah.
So we broke up? What's the difference?
I couldn't be more okay with it.
Well, I couldn't be more okay either.
- Great. Me too. - Capital O, capital K...
...capital A, capital Y. I'm okay.
I'm not okay, Mom.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay. I'm sorry to pull you out of your dance class.
Oh, the recital was today?
I know we did the right thing. I just... I feel like, really upset...
...and Nick seems totally okay and I guess I need someone to tell me it's gonna be fine.
It's not gonna be fine, Jess.
I'm never gonna be a grandmother.
What...? Mom, stop crying.
You don't even have to love him. Just get that sperm cooking.
- Mom. - I'm sorry, honey. I just...
- You know, this is where I'm at right now. - This was really comforting, Mom.
It's like I'm in the womb. Sucking my thumb.
Of course she doesn't know I'm in pain, Tran.
I'm hiding it like you're supposed to. But I'm lying to my best friend.
You're also my best friend. Don't...
Don't start that weird jazz train.
I don't know how I'm gonna hold it all together.
I can't talk about it with anyone all day. I feel like a piñata.
You know, I'm just gonna pop.
What does that mean? The problem is the solution.
Oh, you mean, just focus myself on Winston...
...and I won't have time to think about Jess.
That's really smart but that's not exactly "the problem is the solution."
Do you know what I mean? That's like a cool sentence...
...but it's more just "stay busy," right?
Thanks, Tran. If I had met you in your prime during the war, that would've been glorious.
But we would've been enemies, and tried to murder one another...
...unless we formed an alliance. Oh.
You and me forming an alliance in an old-school war?
That's a fantasy. Or a novel. You just gave me another idea.
Winston, I've been thinking about it and a banquet is not big enough.
You're not retiring from some insurance company.
So, what do you really want, besides a piñata? Dream big.
Dream big. Okay, if I had my druthers...
...you know, 100 percent of my druthers, I gotta go Honey Roast.
What? Don't say it like it's some thing we know.
It's a roast, except you say nice things about me.
A Honey Roast.
- Huh. - You know?
I can't wait to make that happen.
- Serious? - He thinks you're serious.
- How do I do it? - You get everybody to say cute stuff.
You know, all the, like, funny stuff that makes me sweet, you know?
- Done. What else? - What? There's more?
- Make me a prominent chair. - A throne?
A throne? Who am I, CeeLo?
No, it's me. I'm still the same person. I'm not gonna change.
- Stop touching me. - I'm still the same person. Make me a chair.
Then you shall have that, Winston. What else you want?
I'm thinking maybe you should emcee my roast.
- I will. - Can you do it dressed as Furguson?
- I'm not gonna do that. - It might be special.
No, it's strange. I'm gonna get started on that chair.
This just in. The dress code for Winston's banquet tonight is...
"Is optional."
Why write "optional?" That's a mistake, right?
- They're gonna give him a gun? - What are you doing?
Thought it was time I graduated high school.
I'm proud of you.
That's it? No snide comments?
I've got legions, but I'm gonna be supportive.
- Legions means "a lot." - I know what legions means.
I probably won't take the test. I failed the last five practice exams.
- So that seems like a bad sign. - Of course you're failing.
You're studying in a rowdy tavern. Chumbawamba's playing.
It's not even "Tubthumping." You're writing with what looks to be a golf pencil.
Where are your flashcards? Do you not have one single flashcard?
There's maraschino goo everywhere. You don't have a flashcard? I'm taking over.
- You need a tutor. I'll do it. - I have a boyfriend.
The hunky Australian? Congratulations. Cece, this is about your education.
Nothing more.
- He's actually from Perth, so... - Perth is in Australia, Cece.
We'll start with geography.
Ugh, Cece, I really need...
...to ask Schmidt if my outfit's working.
It is not.
I was in the middle of tutoring Cece. Make it quick.
I know why you're upset.
I should've asked you to tutor me, but he just volunteered.
- And I figured you'd be busy with Nick. - I'm not busy with Nick anymore.
Oh, no.
Did you guys break up?
SCHMIDT: Jess, are you pregnant?
I feel like I made it weird, you guys.
Did I make it weird? Because I really feel I did.
I feel like in my heart that was the wrong thing to say...
...especially to two women who are sitting alone in a room together.
I don't know where you guys are at, but you're getting to an age...
...where babies are on your mind. I didn't want to throw that into the mix.
I could see that you were emotional...
...and I don't want to make you more emotional.
And Cece, you can probably barely spell pregnancy.
And I feel terrible.
Are you freaking razzing me in there? Did I just hear a razz? Damn it!
So you're really building Winston's throne, huh?
It's a prominent chair.
And it's not right. It's not regal enough!
- How long have you been doing this? - I'm trying to think of cute things to say.
- I got great stuff about his feet. - What are you saying? You sound insane.
If anything's cute about Winston, it's his yawn.
[YAWNS]
He goes like:
[YAWNS]
- Can I use that? - You're scaring me, man.
Like, for real. Like, I'm scared for you.
Don't do that voice. It makes me confess things.
- I'm really scared for you. - I broke up with Jess.
- You broke up with Jess? - [WHISPERS] I broke up with Jess.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Or she broke up with me. I don't know.
Well, at least that explains all of that. Kind of.
I just feel like I'm falling apart. Like, my brain feels like spaghetti...
...and my future feels like a dark hole that I can't stop falling down.
You can't show her this pain, or she'll freak out and it'll be over.
I wish someone told me that when Malia and I broke up.
Malia, I'm in pain and I want you to know.
[SOBBING]
I want to get this pain out of my body.
I haven't seen her since. I still read her e-mails though.
- Every day. - Every day.
- Every damn day. - Every day.
You have to hide your feelings no matter what.
And I am. She thinks I'm okay. That's my game plan...
I'm talking about pills, man. Schmidt's got some anxiety pills in his drawer.
- That's a great idea. - Do it.
Don't tell other roommates about the breakup.
I thought I made it clear I do not want to talk about this.
He just seems so fine with it.
Like, he's happier than me...
...watching Coach watching Winston yawn.
I'm sure he's just as sad as you are.
It's an act. You need to go and talk to him so he can tell you how he really feels.
- I'll go with you, okay? - Thanks.
Of course.
SCHMIDT: Are you guys Frenching?
- Say you're Frenching and I'll stop knocking. - Ignore him. Just ignore him.
JESS: Remember, Cece, no one knows we broke up.
Not a word. Hey.
Come here, you.
Why are we doing this?
Uh, this is how I greet everyone now.
Then I do this and I do that and top it off with a little bit of that.
- Ha-ha-ha. You feel me? - That's how you greet everybody now?
- Come here, you. - That wasn't an invitation.
- Nick, hi. - Son of a bitch.
- Come here. - What are you doing?
- Take the pills? - I feel as if I'm of cotton.
I'm sorry for what's about to happen.
Do you have a minute to maybe have a conversation with your sweet girlfriend?
I think the only way we're gonna get through this...
...is if we're honest with each other about how we're really feeling.
This morning I told you I was okay and...
- Why are you winking at me? - Am I winking?
- Yeah. - I think I'm just a little nervous.
I'm gonna put my sunglasses on so we can keep talking.
- Okay. - Please continue what you were saying.
I just want you to tell me how you really feel.
- Great. - Great... I'm sorry, great?
- I feel great. - Great is the emotion you feel right now?
- No. - Oh.
I feel amazing.
- Amazing? - Yeah.
You feel amazing right now?
I just feel happier and amazing and lighter.
Tonight's about Winston.
You don't have to worry because I'm worried about the roast.
I'm sorry, I forgot that Winston is the most important thing that's going on today.
- That's where I'm putting all my energies. - Fantastic.
Took a long time to say that word.
There you are. We're supposed to be studying.
Come here, you.
Thanks, Coach. I needed this.
Delightful.
To you too, my friend.
- This is weird. - What is wrong with you?
- You scared of practice tests? - Something more important came up.
There should be nothing more important to you, Cece, than your future.
Because nothing is more important to me.
Do you know how stupid it makes me feel to care more about your future than you?
Nick and Jess broke up.
COACH: Ha-ha-ha! I knew you knew.
- I knew it. - So you knew too.
But you knew and you told.
Look, that was so sweet of you, okay? Thank you for believing in me.
Who gives a rat's A?
Nick and Jess break up and you spring this on me like...
Like it's a freaking weather report? I am a child of divorce. I'm delicate.
Should've graduated the first time, you buffoon.
- No one can know you know. JESS: Guess what, Cece?
My boyfriend, Nick...
...is totally freaking fine. He's actually amazing.
- Oh, God. Wine. - Yeah, make it a big one. A holiday pour.
- Because today is about Winston. NICK: Yeah, it's about Winston.
Somebody say Winston?
- Whoa! - What?
Guys, I gotta say I am walking on air.
I really am. It's... Excuse me for a second.
Hey, Winston. Hey, it's your day. I'm diving in. What can I do?
Because today is all about Winston.
Yeah, all about Winston.
- Whatever you want, buddy. - Yup.
Anything?
My name is Nick Miller and I'm your host of tonight's Honey Roast.
WINSTON: Thank you. Thank you.
And I'm Furguson the cat.
Yup, yup!
Okay, tonight's Honey Roast, we're gonna keep it sweet...
...keep it positive, and most of all, we're gonna keep it cute. Am I right, Furguson?
- I hope that cat's not driving. - Who has a cat costume just lying around?
- She has four of them. - I'm drinking a Cat-bernet.
[LAUGHING]
- That's pretty good. Pretty good. NICK: Okay.
A Pinot Mew-oir. Meow-oir.
If I have one more, you're gonna have to point this kitty...
...in the direction of my litter box...
...because I'm gonna need to find it.
- Let's keep it cute, guys. - Because I'm gonna have to pee.
Speaking of cute, Winston Bishop is so cute...
ALL: How cute is he?
How cute am I?
- Teddy bears buy Winston for their kids. - Ha, ha.
- That was good. That's how cute I am. - Horrible visual.
- Wanna know how cute you are? - Yeah.
- You wanna know? - I wanna know.
Puppies... Not gonna do that one.
- We still pretending we don't know? - Relax. Keep it together.
- Pretend like you're enjoying this. Smile. - Be over soon.
Winston is so cute he once met a Japanese gal named Ariko...
...and she started wearing him as a backpack.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh!
I did not see that one coming. Oh, my.
- I didn't expect that either. - Surprise ending.
I think it's time... I think it's time that this cat takes over.
Why hold back? I feel like we should make this a real roast.
SCHMIDT: Don't do that. CECE: Uh-uh.
- I'm scared but I'm also excited. - I think it's my turn...
It's my turn!
- Okay. Is this the best idea? - I should sit down.
Getting a little mean. Time to add some honey.
Who's in the house? Coach is in the house.
- Coach in the house. - What's up, Coach?
You have so many sweatpants you need to buy normal pants.
[LAUGHS]
Cece, here. You guys know Cece.
- Your hair is so long. - Well, you're basically busted.
- Good one. - That was really good.
- Schmidt. - Jess, please. I'm very fragile.
Your head's so big.
- That wasn't that bad. - You got a big ass head.
- And Nick Miller. - Oh, boy.
What can I say about Nick that hasn't already been said?
- Here we go. - Nick calls birds "wind mice."
Think about it.
- Nick says "Yahtzee" when he climaxes. - Oh, boy.
He calls turtles "shell beavers."
Well, that's what they should be called.
They're green. Beavers are brown.
We agreed to not talk about it in front of others.
But do you know the worst, worst, worst thing about Nick?
- You don't have to say it. CECE: Uh-uh.
He's okay.
And I am...
...not okay.
I am not okay.
What are you talking about? Are you nuts?
I'm falling apart. Yeah, I'm on Schmidt's anti-anxiety medicine.
- What? - Yeah, I stole it from his drawer.
- Schmidty's little helpers. - Sorry about that.
I'm not okay. I was only acting okay because I thought you were okay.
- I'm not okay. - I am not okay.
- I'm terrible. - I know I'm smiling right now...
...but I feel terrible. Yeah. - I'm so happy that you feel terrible.
It's a devastating break up.
- It's really hard. - It's tricky, you know?
I really thought we had a future together.
Me too, yeah. The whole thing. And now we don't.
- We have nothing in common. - Yeah.
I also can't stop smiling because of the drugs...
...so my face feels crazy. It feels like I had plastic surgery.
Can somebody tell me what is going on?
- Wanna do this? - I think we should.
- We broke up. It's over. - We broke up, we're done.
- Are you serious? What! - No!
- Come on, it's so obvious. - Son of a bee sting.
- Ay me. - What? You broke up today?
- Yesterday. - Yesterday.
- Why didn't you tell me? - We didn't want to ruin your day...
...and I'm so sorry we did.
We're so proud of you that you got into the police academy.
But we're just in a really bad zone, so let's just come out and admit it.
- We're in a terrible zone. - Are you kidding me?
Something this big happens and you guys still look out for me?
I mean, that's... Thank you. I appreciate it, guys.
- But I'm here for whatever you need. - Thank you, buddy.
Look, I know this is super weird, and I'm definitely high on anxiety pills...
...but I'd like everybody to hold hands in this moment.
- No. - Just do it, man. I insist.
- It's a great idea. - There's two ladies. Okay.
This feels good.
Ohm...
ALL: Ohm...
Let's never tell anyone we did this.
Should we all try to live inside a peach or is that weird?
Guys, in light of what's been going on...
...I will be postponing the Honey Roast until tomorrow night.
- Okay. - No.
Then everybody can come back... Everybody come back same time.
Then you guys all get to wear white.
[ERIC CARMEN'S "HUNGRY EYES" PLAYING ON TV]
Hungry eyes
One look at you and I can't disguise
[RINGING]
I've got hungry eyes
Hi again.
- I'm watching Dirty Dancing. - I know, I've heard all three screenings.
I just don't understand how Penny got in trouble.
- Well, it was a different time. - Who wins in a fight?
Swayze from Dirty Dancing or Swayze from Road House?
I think To Wong Foo Swayze would win.
Jess, this is really hard. I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to call you. It's like a riddle.
I know. I don't know where to change or where to sleep...
...or where to go to the bathroom.
Well, I know where to go to the bathroom.
But, you know, it's the social component.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, no. I'm out of tissues.
NICK: I got it.
Heads up.
Hey. Thank you.
NICK: No problem. That's what I'm here for.
- Good night, honey. - Good night.
With these
[SINGING] Hungry eyes
- One look at you and I can't disguise NICK: Can't disguise, I got
JESS & NICK: Hungry eyes Ripped By mstoll