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Previously on Californication:
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Karen, I came back for you.
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- Atticus just fired me.
- Bummer.
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But not before he fired you too.
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00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:23,187
I need to present myself to Karen
as an adult male with a job.
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- You must be Hank.
- Henry James Moody the First.
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Rick Rath. Call me Rath.
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The last thing I need
is some snotty, pretentious fuck...
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00:00:30,830 --> 00:00:33,765
...who looks down on television.
- I'm trying to grow up...
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...before it's too fucking late,
and it all starts with me getting a job.
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Are you sure you can handle a job?
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Hey, did you manage
to get it up last night?
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- Don't wanna talk about it.
- You're Hank Moody.
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- Who would you be?
- This would be Levon.
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He's the kid I told you about. Wants
to interview you for his college paper.
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- Do you have any children?
- Yeah, one, a daughter.
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- You fucked my mom.
- Really? You're not fucking with me?
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When did this occur?
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I guess about nine months
before I was born.
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Yay, it's a murse!
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My very own murse!
How did you know?
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Stop it. It's for all
your writerly accoutrements.
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I thought it was very rock 'n' roll.
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Totally, and yet it sends a very strong
and clear message to my co-workers...
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...that this dude could rock out
with his cock out...
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...but when he's done, he can
tuck it away and get down to biz.
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My thoughts exactly.
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Wear it well on your first day.
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I shall, my love. Thank you so much.
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I'm very proud of you.
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Why? Because I got a stinking job?
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If I'd known it was this easy
to make your bosom swell with pride...
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...I would've applied for a job
at Starbucks long ago.
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- Barista.
- No, it's not just the job.
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You're finally ready
to embrace change, I think.
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Well, the times, they are a-changing...
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...whether I likes it or not.
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And change is...
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...sexy.
- You don't say?
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- I do. I do say.
- Really?
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Gosh, golly.
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Who knew gainful employ
could be such a panty-peeler?
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Okay, all right, all right...
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Okay, before this accelerates
into heavy petting...
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...moist-humping and multiple orgasms,
for me, of course...
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...there's something I gotta tell you.
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What? Hank, what? What is it now?
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I know, you're a heroin addict.
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You have terminal hemorrhoids, right?
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I mean, nothing would
surprise me at this point.
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Come on, what is it?
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- Nothing?
- Nope, not a twitch.
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I even tossed his salad
for a second or three.
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Kid lives for fucking ass play.
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You think this is maybe psychological?
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- I don't know.
- All I know is that it was like...
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...sucking on a little hotdog
wrapped in foreskin.
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And the more I sucked,
the smaller it got.
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It felt wrong, like I was blowing a baby.
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A big, bald, unemployable baby.
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Look at the four of us.
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Ain't love fucking grand, huh?
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- How'd she take it?
- I was about to lay it on her...
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...when you sulked into the room
with all your broken-wiener sadness.
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- Right, sorry about that.
- No, it's okay. It's probably for the best.
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Because we would've made the love,
and I would've been spectacular...
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...and she would've been pissed
when she found out...
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...I allegedly fathered a son
with another woman, allegedly.
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Jesus, it sounds uncool
when I say it out loud like that.
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Why? You got a son, man.
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Someone to carry on the Moody-ness
for generations to come.
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- Doesn't that feel amazing?
- Not really. Kid's kind of annoying.
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I mean, super fucking annoying,
like he should be your son and not mine.
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See, the little fucker
keeps trying to FaceTime me.
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Look at that. He shall be Levon,
and I shall decline that shit.
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So, who's the mom?
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This woman, Julia,
I was seeing at the time.
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Wanted to be an actress.
She was gorgeous.
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We had a lot of fun,
in and out of the boudoir.
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I remember that. But then I met
and quickly impregnated Karen...
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...and that, as they say, was that.
By the way, what are you doing here?
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I wanted to make sure you
showed up for work...
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...you know, on time, reasonably sober.
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You're pulling in a weekly salary now.
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Fifteen percent of your weekly
is my weekly.
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- Fifteen percent? I thought you got 10.
- Managers take 15.
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Oh, so you're my manager now?
What's the difference?
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- Five percent.
- That is fucking pathetic, Charlie.
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- Think about getting some other clients.
- That's the other reason I'm here.
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Okay, let me look at you.
Let me drink you in, big boy.
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So what if you got
a dysfunctional dong?
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So what if your cock is a vestigial organ?
You're still a fucking shark.
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- Let's do this.
- No.
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- No?
- No, this is my first day...
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...at work, Charlie, not yours. Mine.
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I can't let you fuck my shit up.
I still love you, though.
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Long time.
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- Here you are.
- Thank you.
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- Hey, Hank.
- Terry.
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Right on. Whoa,
that's a powerful grip you got there.
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Quite a handshake. Very firm.
Very firm indeed.
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Where do you work out?
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Fuck.
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- Welcome.
- Hey, Hank.
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Hugh.
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Are you into cupcakes?
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- I suppose.
- There's some in the kitchen.
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Right on.
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Sometimes Rath gets grumpy.
I like to cheer him up with cupcakes.
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- It's the little things.
- Aren't you the thoughtful little beaver.
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So, what's the deal with Victor Victoria?
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- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?
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Terry. What's up with that,
herlhim, gender-wise?
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Oh, that. Of course.
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Okay, so here's the deal. It's...
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Hey, Terry. You want a cupcake?
There's some in the kitchen.
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Fuck you and your
fucking cupcakes, Hugh.
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Get a fucking life.
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Okay, cool. I'm gonna go work
on some story ideas.
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I'll see you in the room, kids.
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"Fuck you," you said. That was funny.
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So, Terry, tell me a bit about yourself.
You married? You have kids?
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I'm in a long-term relationship...
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...and these are my kids.
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A little drooly,
but I see the resemblance.
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Oh, I shall de... Fuck!
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- Face Time!
- You gotta stop calling me, kid.
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Why?
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- Because I'm working.
- But you're my father.
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Yeah, well, we don't actually
know that for sure.
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- Calling me a liar?
- No, not technically.
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You're a real fucking asshole,
you know?
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- Now you sound like my kid.
- Wanna hang out?
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- No, I can't. I'm working.
- Cool, where you working at?
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- A television show.
- Cool, which one?
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- Santa Monica Cop.
- Is that like Beverly Hills Cop?
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- No, it's set in Santa Monica.
- Can I come see you?
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- No, I'm busy.
- Can you get me a job there?
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No, I barely have a job here.
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Hey, guys. Rath's stuck
in a meeting at the network...
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...so feel free to do whatever until lunch.
- Cool, you wanna come over?
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I'm sorry. Have you
been knocking for a while?
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- I was listening to some tunes.
- No, no.
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I just knocked the once
and you immediately opened the door.
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Leads me to believe
you were there waiting for me.
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You totally got me.
I was pretty fucking excited.
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Hey, this is for you.
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All right.
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Good man. All right.
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There you go.
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- Nice place you got here.
- Yeah, you know, it's home.
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Wow, your mom.
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Gotta say, she's still smoking hot.
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People say that all the time.
Guess I just don't see her that way.
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Right, because she's your mom.
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I'm just commenting as someone,
you know, who knew her when...
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00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:04,902
- Okay, then. That's your thing.
...about her beauty. Well...
158
00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:08,545
You sure do have a lot
of pictures of your mom around.
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00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:12,275
I'm guessing that you don't
have too many girls over, huh?
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00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:16,813
No, no, I don't, which is a source
of great sadness for me.
161
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But the pictures are my mom's thing.
She likes having them around, I guess.
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You're a grown man-child, dude.
You can do whatevs you want.
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Yeah, I guess, but I still
have to respect her wishes,
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You know, she's my mom.
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Sure, I suppose, if you want
to be all queer about it.
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00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:36,972
You have a roommate?
167
00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:39,634
Levon, did you take
my toothpaste again?
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- What the fuck?
- I couldn't have said it any better myself.
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Mom, Dad, don't be mad.
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If it's any consolation,
I was just commenting to the boy...
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...that you still got it,
you know, you're still smoking hot.
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Oh, my God.
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00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:05,827
- You live with your mom.
- Obviously.
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00:10:06,005 --> 00:10:08,496
- You could've mentioned that?
- Would you have come?
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00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:11,006
- Probably not.
- See? I did the right thing, then.
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Does she know that you made contact?
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00:10:16,315 --> 00:10:18,875
- She does now.
- Sweet jumping Jesus.
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00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:21,212
Levon, can you come in here
a minute, please?
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Coming, Mom.
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00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:25,790
Sit, stay. I'll be right back.
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00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:28,791
E*at some of those cold cuts.
I made them for you.
182
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,997
Hey, don't leave, okay? Again.
183
00:10:41,874 --> 00:10:44,365
What the fuck were you thinking?
184
00:10:47,446 --> 00:10:48,913
- Hank.
- Hi, Julia.
185
00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:51,049
- Great to see you.
- Nice to see you too.
186
00:10:52,918 --> 00:10:55,819
- I'll be in touch.
- How do you mean?
187
00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:58,919
This is just a lot to process right now.
188
00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:01,719
- I think I need some time.
- Yeah, I get that. I get that.
189
00:11:01,894 --> 00:11:05,193
So I'm guessing he's really mine?
190
00:11:05,364 --> 00:11:07,161
- What?
- He's really my kid?
191
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:10,325
I mean, all I have
is his word to go on and...
192
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:13,700
...no offense, but he doesn't present
as the most trustworthy source.
193
00:11:13,873 --> 00:11:15,397
I'm standing right here.
194
00:11:15,574 --> 00:11:17,041
Okay, yeah, fuck.
195
00:11:17,209 --> 00:11:20,201
- Shit...
- I'm still standing here.
196
00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:22,040
- Please, leave.
- I could...
197
00:11:22,214 --> 00:11:24,478
I don't have to be
back at work for a few minutes.
198
00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:26,641
- We could sit and talk.
- Oh, God.
199
00:11:26,819 --> 00:11:28,878
Or... Or I could go.
200
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:31,387
Going, going, gone. Okay.
201
00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:33,218
- Levon, always a pleasure.
- Bye, Dad.
202
00:11:33,392 --> 00:11:34,882
Catch you on the flippity-flop.
203
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,459
That's a good-Iooking sammie
you got, Hank.
204
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:45,297
I went with the burger.
That's the move from this place.
205
00:11:45,471 --> 00:11:48,304
I'm pretty happy about
my lunch order right now. Killed it.
206
00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:51,543
- This is gluten-free, right?
- I'd stake my life on it.
207
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,145
And it hasn't been
in the vicinity of any shellfish?
208
00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:56,543
I watched them cook it
just like you asked.
209
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,708
- Thank you. I don't mean to be a nudge.
- We got it, Goldie, okay?
210
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,149
"Look at me. I'm allergic
to fucking everything."
211
00:12:02,321 --> 00:12:05,984
Maybe you should brown-bag it.
Make yourself a PB and J or something.
212
00:12:06,158 --> 00:12:08,888
- I have a severe nut allergy.
- Yeah, of course you do.
213
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,393
- I could die.
- That would be a shame.
214
00:12:16,268 --> 00:12:18,896
- What are you doing?
- Taking a picture of my burger.
215
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:20,800
Why are you taking a picture of it?
216
00:12:20,973 --> 00:12:23,464
- I want to put it on Instagram.
- Put it on Instagram?
217
00:12:23,642 --> 00:12:26,008
That makes sense.
It's a beautiful burger.
218
00:12:26,178 --> 00:12:27,839
- Yeah, hashtag lunch.
- I know, right?
219
00:12:28,013 --> 00:12:31,471
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
It's a gorgeous burger.
220
00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:33,845
So let me get this straight.
It's not enough...
221
00:12:34,019 --> 00:12:37,420
...that I have to watch you chew
with your mouth open every fucking day.
222
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,991
Now I'm gonna have to watch you play
Diane Arbus with your food?
223
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,492
How about I bring
a starving African kid in here...
224
00:12:43,662 --> 00:12:46,529
...have him watch you take
a picture of your gourmet burger...
225
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:49,998
...with your fucking iPhone?
Ought to be ashamed of yourself.
226
00:12:50,169 --> 00:12:53,229
Maybe you should spend a little less time
sexualizing your lunch...
227
00:12:53,405 --> 00:12:56,863
...and a little more time coming up with
a workable fucking story idea.
228
00:12:57,042 --> 00:12:59,306
I pitched you five
brand-new ideas this morning.
229
00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:02,447
And every one of them sucked, man.
Do better.
230
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,049
Stop Instagramming, stop tweeting.
231
00:13:05,217 --> 00:13:08,778
I do read them, you know, when
I'm in the mood for a raging hate boner.
232
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,620
Hank, you're quiet. What's happening?
233
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,759
Sorry, usually
I'm a fucking firecracker...
234
00:13:13,926 --> 00:13:16,258
...but I'm just dealing
with some heavy shit now.
235
00:13:16,428 --> 00:13:18,623
- Tell us.
- I'd rather not.
236
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,096
Hank, this is what we do in here.
This is church.
237
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:23,895
This is where we confess
our deepest, darkest secrets...
238
00:13:24,069 --> 00:13:26,401
...shoot them through a prism,
put them on-screen.
239
00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:28,437
- Oh, God.
- All right, if you must know...
240
00:13:28,607 --> 00:13:31,599
...I recently discovered
that I have fathered a son...
241
00:13:31,777 --> 00:13:34,177
...from a relationship about
20 years ago.
242
00:13:34,346 --> 00:13:36,678
Holy shit, that is fucking heavy.
243
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:38,646
Perfect. That makes perfect sense.
244
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:42,254
I got a lawyer. Those 20 years'
child support, you don't want to pay that.
245
00:13:42,421 --> 00:13:45,219
Okay, people, how do we
use this on the show?
246
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:47,859
Okay, so maybe Danko
has a baby with a stranger.
247
00:13:48,027 --> 00:13:50,860
But the stranger happens to be,
like, a cousin from the past.
248
00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:52,725
- A retarded cousin.
- From the past.
249
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:54,525
An autistic cousin from the past.
250
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,998
- Title of the show, "Aw-tistic."
- "Aw-tistic."
251
00:13:57,169 --> 00:14:00,161
I got it. Here, this is the bad version.
What if Danko Jones...?
252
00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:02,933
- Didn't you also rape a woman once?
- Harsh.
253
00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:05,167
- Stand down, Terry.
- What? It's true.
254
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:06,902
- It was all over the news.
- Yeah.
255
00:14:07,079 --> 00:14:09,172
Well, if anybody was raped, it was me.
256
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:12,249
It was all a big misunderstanding.
Could've happened to anyone.
257
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:14,978
- Wish it happened to me. She was hot.
- She's so skinny.
258
00:14:15,154 --> 00:14:18,180
I shouldn't have to share an office
with a convicted rapist.
259
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:19,847
What if a wear a cock cage?
260
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:21,822
- I like that.
- Cock cage? What is that?
261
00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:24,519
- It's a male chastity device.
- I need one of those.
262
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:26,597
It traps your penis in a flaccid state.
263
00:14:26,765 --> 00:14:28,733
Danko could be in his own cock cage.
264
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:31,267
He feels trapped because
he's in his own cock cage.
265
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:34,133
Despite all his rage,
he is still just a cock in a cage.
266
00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:36,866
- You think rape is funny?
- No, I think it's awful.
267
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:39,533
Unless a woman rapes a man.
That's inherently funny.
268
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,704
Rath, are you just gonna sit here
and let this happen?
269
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:46,443
What are you talking about? For the first
time in weeks, I'm enjoying myself.
270
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:49,554
- Please, continue.
- Goldie, are you okay?
271
00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:53,314
That was not gluten-free.
272
00:14:56,328 --> 00:14:59,786
- What the fuck, Goldie?
- At least we know it wasn't in your head.
273
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:02,900
- My mom just got me this shit, Goldie.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
274
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:05,332
I've seen crime scenes
less disgusting than that.
275
00:15:05,504 --> 00:15:07,233
- Lunch is over.
- It was gluten-free.
276
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:10,842
Clean this shit up. Clean this shit up.
Disinfect the whole fucking room.
277
00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:14,741
I'm gonna go meditate.
We'll reconvene in a couple of hours.
278
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,814
Does anybody know a bar
around here...
279
00:15:16,982 --> 00:15:18,950
...where I could meet somebody
for a drink?
280
00:15:19,118 --> 00:15:22,417
God, I would love a nice wine cooler
right now, or like a microbrew.
281
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:25,580
An Allagash White would totally
hit the fucking spot, right?
282
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,851
But here's the thing.
Rath does not like it...
283
00:15:28,027 --> 00:15:30,325
...when we leave in the day.
It's frowned upon.
284
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:34,057
But I'm totes free tonight.
What do you say? Let's do it.
285
00:15:57,089 --> 00:15:58,488
Hi.
286
00:15:58,657 --> 00:16:00,090
Thank you.
287
00:16:05,998 --> 00:16:07,659
How come you never told me?
288
00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:11,269
This is what I remember.
289
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:13,769
We were running around the city
for a few months...
290
00:16:13,939 --> 00:16:16,169
...hanging out, having fun,
keeping it simple...
291
00:16:16,342 --> 00:16:18,469
...and then one day
the phone stopped ringing.
292
00:16:19,011 --> 00:16:22,378
I called to make sure you weren't dead.
You said you met someone special.
293
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:25,779
Someone that you could picture
spending the rest of your life with.
294
00:16:26,218 --> 00:16:30,086
I remember not being all that offended,
because we were never really together.
295
00:16:31,357 --> 00:16:36,659
So when I realized I was knocked up,
it seemed pretty pointless to tell you.
296
00:16:37,429 --> 00:16:40,830
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
297
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,491
Don't be. I never expected
anything from you.
298
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,729
You're fun, kind of like
driving around in a car...
299
00:16:46,905 --> 00:16:49,499
...with a dog who sticks his
head out the window.
300
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:53,042
- What kind of dog?
- Not the marrying kind.
301
00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:56,443
Oh, that's...
I don't know that that's a breed.
302
00:16:57,783 --> 00:16:59,842
I don't see a ring.
Did you ever get hitched?
303
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,749
No, not technically.
304
00:17:02,921 --> 00:17:05,446
How long have you been here?
305
00:17:05,624 --> 00:17:06,989
A few months.
306
00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:10,128
When Levon came along,
he derailed the whole acting thing.
307
00:17:10,295 --> 00:17:12,286
- Yeah.
- So I moved back to the Island...
308
00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:15,956
...and I went to school
and I became a dental hygienist.
309
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:18,603
- Really?
- I fucking love teeth. They fascinate me.
310
00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:21,303
Open up.
311
00:17:25,944 --> 00:17:29,471
- Have you been to a dentist recently?
- Can we get back to your story?
312
00:17:30,816 --> 00:17:32,807
So, Levon decided he wants to act.
313
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:36,785
And it seemed like a good time
for a change of scenery, so here we are.
314
00:17:36,955 --> 00:17:41,221
Yeah, here we are.
So where do we go from here?
315
00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:43,327
Nowhere.
316
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:47,460
I'd really love it if you bowed out
and never saw him again.
317
00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:50,632
I mean, Levon's a weird kid.
318
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:52,737
I don't know what you're talking about.
319
00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:58,199
He's got all these crazy expectations
of you guys making up for lost time.
320
00:17:58,377 --> 00:18:01,312
I don't have the heart to tell him
you're not that kind of guy.
321
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:05,147
How do you know
what kind of guy I am now?
322
00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:07,877
Look, I'm giving you a gift here.
323
00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:10,749
I'm telling you it's okay to walk away.
324
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:15,856
I'm asking you nicely to just do the
right thing and leave us the fuck alone.
325
00:18:16,328 --> 00:18:18,125
Drink's on me.
326
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:32,476
- Are you sure about this?
- Yeah, Stu used to pop them all the time.
327
00:18:34,346 --> 00:18:35,836
Stu has E*D too?
328
00:18:36,014 --> 00:18:38,175
No, not at all.
He used to take them for fun.
329
00:18:38,350 --> 00:18:41,808
We used to fuck for hours.
His cock was like a battering ram.
330
00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:45,787
It was like it was made of liquid metal.
It was the T-1000 of boners.
331
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,519
Okay, Marcy, I don't know
how many times I can say this...
332
00:18:49,695 --> 00:18:52,994
...but your fond remembrance
of your ex-husband's horse cock...
333
00:18:53,165 --> 00:18:55,565
...does not work wonders for
my fragile psyche.
334
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:57,201
Pussy.
335
00:18:57,369 --> 00:18:58,529
Shit, this is Hank.
336
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:01,605
- No, no.
- I'm sorry, I gotta take this. I gotta take it.
337
00:19:01,773 --> 00:19:03,968
- What's up, buddy?
- I need you to do me a favor.
338
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,544
- Anything at all. You name it.
- You gotta get me off of this thing.
339
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:09,408
- What thing?
- The show.
340
00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:12,482
- I just can't do it anymore.
- Hank, it's your first day.
341
00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:15,176
But there's too much shit going on
in my personal life.
342
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:18,585
I'm a delicate fucking flower.
The thought of getting back in there...
343
00:19:18,757 --> 00:19:20,918
...with those monkeys
is giving me a migraine.
344
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:23,027
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Hank, whoa, whoa, whoa.
345
00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:25,425
Back in where?
Why aren't you there right now?
346
00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:28,695
- It's a long story.
- Hank, go back in there.
347
00:19:28,867 --> 00:19:31,995
You talk it out with Rath.
He's a cool guy. He'll understand.
348
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,401
I understand what
you're saying, and I agree.
349
00:19:34,573 --> 00:19:37,337
But I have you to have
conversations I do not want to have.
350
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:39,534
That's what the extra 5 percent is for.
351
00:19:39,711 --> 00:19:41,906
Besides, it's like auditing a class, right?
352
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,548
I tried it, it wasn't for me.
No harm, no foul.
353
00:19:44,716 --> 00:19:48,584
No, Hank, no! There is harm,
and there is foul... Jesus Christ!
354
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:52,554
I can't believe you're doing this to me
when I've just taken a fucking Viagra!
355
00:19:52,724 --> 00:19:54,851
Good luck with that.
My mind's made up, though.
356
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,689
- Make it happen. Smooth that shit over.
- Hank!
357
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:03,531
Hank, Hank, thank God you're here.
358
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,693
This fucker's trying
to waterboard me. Pig.
359
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:09,034
- Get your fucking hands off me.
- Hey, hey, hey.
360
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:12,109
- Get your fucking hands off me.
- Calm down.
361
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,171
- He's a little retarded.
- A little?
362
00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:16,906
- Fuck you, rent-a-cop motherfucker.
- What are you doing?
363
00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:19,346
You can't just show up
and expect to see someone.
364
00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:21,986
You weren't answering your phone.
I needed to see you.
365
00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:23,519
Why?
366
00:20:23,689 --> 00:20:26,385
- My mother's trying to keep us apart.
- Why do you say that?
367
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:30,289
Because I think she's afraid she'll lose me
if I develop a relationship with you.
368
00:20:30,462 --> 00:20:32,726
Maybe she's just afraid that
I'll disappoint you.
369
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:36,026
That's impossible. You're my father,
right? You'd never let me down.
370
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:38,930
- What has she told you about me?
- Not much.
371
00:20:39,104 --> 00:20:42,164
Just that she got knocked up
by some guy she didn't know very well.
372
00:20:42,341 --> 00:20:44,434
A guy who didn't
seem like a father figure.
373
00:20:44,610 --> 00:20:47,602
But you know what? You never knew,
so I thought maybe you should.
374
00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:53,115
I never told her I was trying to find you.
I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
375
00:20:53,285 --> 00:20:55,685
But I did my research,
and when we moved out here...
376
00:20:55,854 --> 00:20:58,186
...I knew that was my opportunity
to come find you.
377
00:20:59,524 --> 00:21:02,425
You know, your mom has done a
pretty good job all by herself.
378
00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:04,653
Yeah, she's pretty cool,
don't get me wrong.
379
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:08,664
It's just being raised by a single mom
has made me really fucking weird.
380
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:11,098
I don't even know how to
relate to other guys.
381
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,999
She didn't have
any boyfriends around?
382
00:21:13,171 --> 00:21:16,106
Some. I'm sure I scared them away.
383
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:20,177
Yeah, you're a lot of responsibility.
You're like a walking boner-killer.
384
00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:22,680
I don't even know how
to deal with girls.
385
00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:26,306
I paid this chick to take off her top.
She let me jerk off in front of her.
386
00:21:26,485 --> 00:21:29,921
- I finished on her feet. I'm not cool.
- That's too much. That's enough.
387
00:21:30,088 --> 00:21:31,919
- I need help.
- You know what I think?
388
00:21:32,090 --> 00:21:34,820
I think you'd get along famously
with your Uncle Charlie.
389
00:21:34,993 --> 00:21:38,929
Look, I know this is pretty much
the last thing you wanted out of life.
390
00:21:39,097 --> 00:21:41,122
I know there's nothing
cute or charming...
391
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,860
...about me showing up
on your doorstep. It's just...
392
00:21:44,036 --> 00:21:48,029
...reading about you, you seemed
like a really cool guy...
393
00:21:48,206 --> 00:21:51,107
...and I guess I just wanted
to get to know you a little bit.
394
00:21:51,276 --> 00:21:55,542
Thought maybe some of your cool
would rub off on me or something.
395
00:21:57,649 --> 00:21:59,241
You want to see where I work?
396
00:21:59,418 --> 00:22:02,080
Are you kidding me? I'd love to.
397
00:22:03,355 --> 00:22:05,585
That's right, motherfuckers!
Die, pigs, die!
398
00:22:05,757 --> 00:22:07,918
Leave it, leave it, leave it.
399
00:22:08,894 --> 00:22:11,761
Oh, my God.
They have a foosball table here.
400
00:22:11,930 --> 00:22:14,228
- Hank, what the fuck, man?
- What?
401
00:22:14,399 --> 00:22:17,562
What? Your dipshit agent called me,
said you were in a car accident.
402
00:22:17,736 --> 00:22:20,204
You can't listen to a word he says.
He's mentally ill.
403
00:22:20,372 --> 00:22:24,274
I keep him so he doesn't blow his brains
out. Sorry for getting back late, though.
404
00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:27,344
Thought you went out for a smoke
and decided TV wasn't for you.
405
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:30,913
What? That'd be crazy,
not to mention unprofessional.
406
00:22:31,083 --> 00:22:33,278
I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it.
407
00:22:33,452 --> 00:22:36,216
I just wanted to show this young man
what I do for a living.
408
00:22:36,388 --> 00:22:38,447
- Oh, is this your kid?
- Apparently.
409
00:22:39,825 --> 00:22:41,816
- Is he?
- On the spectrum?
410
00:22:41,993 --> 00:22:44,154
Probably, but aren't we all?
411
00:22:44,329 --> 00:22:47,890
Does he want a job? Because I
just promoted the PA to writers' assistant.
412
00:22:48,066 --> 00:22:50,557
He wanted a reward
for cleaning up all that puke.
413
00:22:50,736 --> 00:22:52,704
Kids today, they're so fucking entitled.
414
00:22:52,871 --> 00:22:54,736
Hey, hey, I remember this show.
415
00:22:54,906 --> 00:22:57,534
- Oh, yeah, you like that one?
- It was awful.
416
00:22:57,709 --> 00:22:59,973
Like, really bad.
Like, who-writes-that-shit bad.
417
00:23:00,145 --> 00:23:02,545
- Just terrible.
- I write that shit.
418
00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:06,241
- I created that show.
- Oh, sorry, l...
419
00:23:06,418 --> 00:23:08,682
No, you're right.
The show sucked. Sucked hard.
420
00:23:08,854 --> 00:23:10,321
Never got the casting right.
421
00:23:10,489 --> 00:23:12,787
Much like life,
it's all in the fucking casting.
422
00:23:12,958 --> 00:23:15,586
- Hank? Oh, my God, Hank.
- Get a load of this cunt.
423
00:23:15,761 --> 00:23:18,958
Hank, thank God you're alive.
424
00:23:19,331 --> 00:23:22,027
- It was just a fender bender.
- Shut the fuck up, Charlie.
425
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:24,191
- What?
- Shut the fuck up.
426
00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:26,127
Oh, Levon.
427
00:23:26,304 --> 00:23:28,295
Hey, it's Uncle Charlie, remember?
428
00:23:28,473 --> 00:23:31,738
- It's great to see you... again.
- What is wrong with this thing?
429
00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:35,770
Will you get a load of that?
430
00:23:41,386 --> 00:23:43,081
Hank?
431
00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:46,414
I think it's working.
The little blue pill worked.
432
00:23:46,591 --> 00:23:47,922
I think I'm getting hard.
433
00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:50,357
Behave yourself, you animal.
434
00:23:50,529 --> 00:23:54,124
Oh, that. Oh, good. Good for you.
Good for you and your thin veiny dong.
435
00:23:54,299 --> 00:23:56,290
My heart's beating really fast, Hank.
436
00:23:56,468 --> 00:23:59,596
- It's freaking me out. Feel.
- No, I'm not feeling. It's an erection.
437
00:23:59,771 --> 00:24:01,602
You've had a million, botched them all.
438
00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:03,866
I'm feeling very dizzy, Hank. Call 911.
439
00:24:04,042 --> 00:24:06,135
- It's a massive coronary event.
- No, it's not.
440
00:24:06,311 --> 00:24:08,370
- Call 911. Call 911.
- It's not...
441
00:24:08,547 --> 00:24:12,813
It's a massive coronary event.
Call 911, please!
442
00:24:12,984 --> 00:24:15,077
- This is it, Hank. This is it.
- No, it's not.
443
00:24:15,253 --> 00:24:16,481
What's with the boner?
444
00:24:18,190 --> 00:24:20,954
- Seriously, you need a new agent.
- He's my manager now.
445
00:24:21,126 --> 00:24:23,651
Are you okay?
Is there anything I can do to help?
446
00:24:23,829 --> 00:24:26,229
God, you smell good.
447
00:24:30,068 --> 00:24:32,798
Holy shit, did he
just come in his pants?
448
00:24:51,723 --> 00:24:53,281
Quit stalking me, lady.
449
00:24:53,458 --> 00:24:56,655
- Levon told me where you lived.
- Of course he did.
450
00:25:01,399 --> 00:25:04,197
- He also told me what you did for him.
- Oh, yeah.
451
00:25:04,369 --> 00:25:07,827
Well, it's just a lowly PA job.
He's gonna be cleaning up a lot of puke.
452
00:25:08,006 --> 00:25:09,997
Thanks for ignoring everything I said.
453
00:25:10,642 --> 00:25:13,770
That's what I do. I'm so... No, I'm sorry...
454
00:25:13,945 --> 00:25:17,005
No, I mean it. Thank you. Thanks.
455
00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:19,514
It's good to see him
so excited about something.
456
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,578
I'm sorry about earlier.
My defenses were up.
457
00:25:22,754 --> 00:25:25,655
- Mother bear issues, I guess.
- No, it's totally understandable.
458
00:25:25,824 --> 00:25:29,760
This is uncharted territory
for both of us.
459
00:25:29,928 --> 00:25:33,955
More for me, because I
just found out that I have a child.
460
00:25:34,132 --> 00:25:37,397
- I'm not used to having a guy involved.
- You've known him for 20 years.
461
00:25:37,569 --> 00:25:39,867
So do you play guitar?
462
00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:46,709
Not really. It's more like I callus
myself in the pursuit of happiness.
463
00:25:46,878 --> 00:25:48,937
Play something.
464
00:25:54,452 --> 00:25:57,421
- I'm too shy, actually.
- I don't remember you being shy.
465
00:25:59,925 --> 00:26:01,756
Oh, excuse me.
466
00:26:06,298 --> 00:26:09,426
Hey, how was the first day?
467
00:26:09,601 --> 00:26:10,863
What?
468
00:26:11,036 --> 00:26:13,698
Oh, baby, was it that bad?
469
00:26:13,872 --> 00:26:16,102
What are you doing?
470
00:26:16,274 --> 00:26:17,935
Tell me.
471
00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:20,270
Baby, there's someone you gotta meet.
472
00:26:27,018 --> 00:26:29,952
Oh, no.
Ripped By mstoll