1
00:00:01,919 --> 00:00:03,762
ARCHER: What do you
mean your water broke?
2
00:00:04,296 --> 00:00:07,766
What do you mean what do I mean, I
mean that! I'm going into labor!
3
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,969
Wait, what?
I'm having a baby?
4
00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:12,305
Gross! But it's
early, is that early?
5
00:00:12,471 --> 00:00:15,190
Like 10 days, but... But
that's bad, is that bad?
6
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:16,938
Archer, none of
this is ideal!
7
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,018
HOLLY: Hey!
BOTH: What!
8
00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:20,900
What the hell are you people doing
in San Marcos in the first place?
9
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,773
Selling weapons
to Calderon!
10
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,108
That we got from him!
11
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,701
What?
What.
12
00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:28,655
What "what," you didn't think that was
something I'd like to know about?
13
00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,247
I'm positive we
talked about this.
14
00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:32,700
No, we didn't!
100% positive.
15
00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:35,127
When? When did we
talk about this?
16
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:37,166
80% positive.
17
00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:40,546
Wait a minute, if the CIA is backing
the rebels against Calder...
18
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:41,671
(GROANING)
19
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,423
Lana! Was that
a contraction?
20
00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:46,255
Yep. (GROANING)
God. I hope so. Yep.
21
00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:48,466
Time! Start a
clock, assholes!
22
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:50,308
Okay...
Mark!
23
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,728
Twain!
No, that's barges!
24
00:00:52,803 --> 00:00:55,556
Shut up, but, hey,
speaking of time...
25
00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:57,141
What's your Bishop score?
26
00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:01,195
How should I... Wait, how do you
even know what a Bishop score is?
27
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,022
I got certified
as a doula.
28
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:05,069
Which, turns out,
is not that hard.
29
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:09,870
Shut up, does the CIA know Calderon has
a nerve gas missile at the palace?
30
00:01:09,987 --> 00:01:11,910
What the... We didn't give him gas!
Cool!
31
00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,742
Well he's got it, and we can't
override the launch sequence, so...
32
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:16,748
Get that idiot,
Calderon, on the phone!
33
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:18,704
Oh, did I mention
a tiger ate him?
34
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,585
Wait, what? CHERYL:
Well not ate, ate...
35
00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,587
Well, no, but by now...
36
00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:26,887
Jesus God. Okay, Slater, I know it's a
little sooner than we wanted, but...
37
00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:29,010
Operation Dropkick,
roger that.
38
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,675
What's
Operation Dropkick?
39
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,977
Well, the endgame has always been
for us to invade San Marcos, so...
40
00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:36,896
Hey, Donna, we got a carrier
group in the Gulf, right?
41
00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:39,066
Wait, if you were going
to invade San Marcos
42
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,769
then why have you been
selling weapons to Calderon?
43
00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,946
So he could fight the rebels.
Which is you.
44
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:47,742
Well, technically, they're mercenaries
from Honduras and Guatemala, but, yes.
45
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,114
Okay, so am I
just stupid, or...
46
00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:51,410
Duh. Pregnant.
47
00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:55,411
Yeah, airstrike, naval bombardment,
amphibious landing, whole megillah.
48
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:58,243
Calderon needed weapons to fight the
rebels, but he didn't have money to
49
00:01:58,327 --> 00:02:02,503
buy weapons, he only had cocaine, but
Iran was like "No way, cash only," so...
50
00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:04,174
BOTH: Iran?
Ooh, sorry!
51
00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:08,800
Iraq. Wait, no, Iran. Doesn't matter who.
Anyway, to buy the weapons,
52
00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:11,473
we needed to...
Monetize the cocaine.
53
00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:14,677
(GASPING) on, my God...
(CHUCKLING) Join the club.
54
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,888
We've been trying to
monetize cocaine for like...
55
00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:20,725
I mean... You even came
to the house, where we...
56
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:26,068
We've been selling cocaine for the CIA
so they could buy arms from Iran?
57
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:28,148
Did we at least
free some hostages?
58
00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:29,904
No, this was about
our annual budget.
59
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,406
BOTH: What? If we don't
spend it this year...
60
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,988
We can't get an
increase next year.
61
00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:35,197
You son of a...
62
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,328
Oh, come on, Archer,
drop the act!
63
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:38,996
He was in on it
from day one.
64
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,077
What?
What?
65
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,377
(GROWLING)
(CHOKING)
66
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:42,454
Lana!
67
00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:44,335
(SQUEALING)
68
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:45,506
(CHOKING CONTINUES)
69
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,584
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
70
00:02:50,582 --> 00:03:00,597
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
71
00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:27,837
LANA:
You lying son of a bitch!
72
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:31,420
(CHOKING) Lana... You knew
about this the entire time?
73
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:33,885
(SQUEALING)
74
00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:37,309
Hey, do you mind? I'm trying
to call in an airstrike here.
75
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,182
Ooh, hey, what's
our ride situation?
76
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:40,808
Hang on.
Thanks, doll.
77
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:45,188
Airstrike on the palace is a go, and
I suggest we take Calderon's jet.
78
00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,065
Good, yeah, we need
plenty of room.
79
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:48,817
Until we dump them
at a black site.
80
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,238
(CHOKING CONTINUES)
81
00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:53,066
C'mon, even if you people
hadn't lost 50 million bucks'
82
00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:55,494
worth of our cocaine,
you know way too much.
83
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,287
Uh, I don't
know anything!
84
00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:59,456
I believe that to
be literally true.
85
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,792
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
86
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:05,579
(GRUNTING)
87
00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:12,545
Whoa! Whoa! Okay! Come on!
We give up, don't shoot!
88
00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:13,795
(EXHALING)
89
00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:16,131
Now, then. Let's get
this baby outta me.
90
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,008
Gross!
Will you sh...
91
00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,510
(GROANING LOUDLY)
92
00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:22,304
(HOARSELY) Time?
(ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Nine minutes!
93
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,310
What?
This is exciting.
94
00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:27,358
KRIEGER: Right? COMPUTER:
Minutes to launch, 60.
95
00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:31,109
Yeah, Krieger, I guess trying to
defuse a warhead tipped with deadly
96
00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:33,282
nerve gas is
technically exciting.
97
00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:34,733
Yeah, right?
98
00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:37,699
What is wrong with you?
Nothin', Roy.
99
00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:39,286
Or Ray.
100
00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:40,363
Eh.
101
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,116
Doesn't matter who.
CYRIL: (ON PA) Krieger!
102
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,830
CYRIL: Where are we on the missile?
KRIEGER: Uh...
103
00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:46,958
Kinda just like...
On it.
104
00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:49,586
Oh! Do you mean where are we in
the process of disarming it?
105
00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:51,041
(SLAPPING)
Ooh! Ow! Ow!
106
00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:53,427
Ow! Ow! Cut it out! Ow!
(SIGHING) Okay.
107
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,425
What happened?
Did it explode?
108
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,757
Uh, no, I think we
would've heard it-.
109
00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:01,594
Well, it's just a matter of time before
it does, with those idiots working on it!
110
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:02,802
We need to leave!
111
00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:05,856
Well A, I'm President-for-Life, so...
(CHUCKLING)
112
00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:07,729
I'm not going
anywhere, and B...
113
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:11,858
Señor Presidente, our radar station
has detected incoming bombers!
114
00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:14,031
From their heading they appear...
American!
115
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:15,402
(GASPING)
(CLEARING THROAT)
116
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,868
And B... And I hate
to tell you this...
117
00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:20,321
But the First Lady and I
are having an affair.
118
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:21,404
(SNIFFLING)
119
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:24,033
Damn, dog.
That was my B.
120
00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:26,414
(SIGHING)
It's over, Cyril!
121
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,036
It's over!
122
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:32,966
Nothing is over! Nothing! You don’t
just turn it off! It wasn't my war!
123
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:35,423
You asked me,
I didn't ask you!
124
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:37,212
And I did what I
had to do to win!
125
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:39,093
But somebody
wouldn't let us win!
126
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:43,477
Yes, and that somebody is a US Navy
carrier group, so let's go already!
127
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:44,727
(SNIFFLING)
128
00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,521
Okay, but I'm
taking these.
129
00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:51,022
(CHUCKLING) We're taking everything!
Furs, jewels, the silverware, bullion...
130
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,320
Anything you can
cram in a suitcase!
131
00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:55,238
Wouldn't bullion
leak out of a...
132
00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:58,943
(SLAPPING) Ow! Ow! Cut it...
Ow! God damn it!
133
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,197
I... Ow!
134
00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:02,279
Gold bullion,
you idiot!
135
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,830
I don't know
what that is!
136
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:07,622
And I don't know who you think you are!
You are not robbing my palace!
137
00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:12,043
Oh, yes, we are, and if you've got any
sense you'll fill your pockets, too!
138
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:16,043
Because your regime
is officially over.
139
00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:20,222
And I've seen coups from Angola to
Zanzibar, and this is how it ends.
140
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:24,177
In the trunk of a taxi to the airport,
your belly full of diamonds and vodka
141
00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:28,059
praying your driver doesn't rat you out
to the Reds at the last checkpoint.
142
00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:31,650
Because then the last thing you'll
ever hear, besides a pistol cocking
143
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,898
behind your head,
is Ivan's laugh...
144
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:36,981
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
145
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:41,030
What in the name
of God is funny?
146
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,453
You said you've
seen cooze.
147
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,702
Appropes.
148
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:48,328
(MUNCHING LOUDLY)
149
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,877
(SOLDIERS SPEAKING SPANISH)
150
00:06:57,834 --> 00:06:59,928
Aw... All the gardeners
are running away.
151
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:03,590
Because this entire country's about
to be up to its tits in US Marines!
152
00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:07,018
And unless you people wanna wind up
classified as enemy combatants...
153
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:11,856
ARCHER: Six minutes!
154
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,185
Doing great, buddy. Gotta remember
to breathe, though, that's...
155
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,861
(SHOUTING) Get out, you
lying sack of bastard.
156
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:20,191
Okay, A! He and Mother are
the lying sacks of bastard!
157
00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:23,194
I didn't know it was the CIA's cocaine!
And B...
158
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:26,655
Seriously, buddy, let's try
and work on that breathing.
159
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:28,535
What's wrong
with her?
160
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,664
She's having a baby!
161
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:33,545
Gross.
162
00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:36,377
(SLURPING)
163
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:37,916
(SWALLOWING)
164
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,803
(BREATHING RAPIDLY)
165
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:44,222
Doing good, buddy!
(GROWLING) Archer!
166
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:49,645
If you call me "buddy" again, I will
put the bullets in your body by hand.
167
00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:52,063
Shh...
And we're breathing...
168
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:55,476
(BOTH INHALING)
(BOTH EXHALING)
169
00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:57,310
There we go.
Okay, Carol!
170
00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:59,067
(SLURPING)
What?
171
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,985
Jesus!
What is your problem?
172
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:05,160
Morphine, want,
find, give!
173
00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:08,117
Shh. C'mon, Lana, you don't need that.
(GASPING)
174
00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:10,494
How dare you tell me what I...
Shut up.
175
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:13,201
Okay, Carol, I need you to look
down there and gimme a sit-rep.
176
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:16,205
Down where? There,
down there, at her...
177
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:18,422
Ew! No!
You do it!
178
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,920
I'll do it!
ARCHER: Shut up!
179
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:23,087
I can't look down there, because
there's, like, a 100% chance
180
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,968
that at some point in the future
we're going to have sex, so...
181
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:27,219
Who?
Shh.
182
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:28,596
So just look
down there and...
183
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:31,303
I'm not looking at
her goddamn va...
184
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:34,060
Joinks! Well, you
don't need to shave.
185
00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:35,186
(CHUCKLING)
186
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:39,190
That thing is "smoove." (ANGRILY) I...
(CALMLY) Thank you.
187
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:41,234
And also kinda mauve.
188
00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:42,859
(SIGHING) Okay.
189
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,821
I'd say more of a mauve-taupe?
Ow!
190
00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:47,952
(LANA GROANING LOUDLY)
191
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:51,122
Breathe, bu...
Breathe, friend.
192
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:54,288
Because...
Wow. Okay...
193
00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:55,828
COMPUTER:
Minutes to launch...
194
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,297
Six.
(SCREAMING)
195
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,624
(SCREAMING)
196
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,125
(SCREAMING FADES)
197
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,919
Where the...
198
00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:05,345
(SCREAMING INTENSIFIES)
199
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:06,509
(SCREAMING STOPS)
200
00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:08,761
Okay, I have some
thoughts on this.
201
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:10,634
Really?
Yes.
202
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,389
(YELLING)
Which are?
203
00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:16,099
Oh! Okay, so, I don't think
we can disarm this thing.
204
00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:18,309
Really?
Yes.
205
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:21,945
Oh! Okay, so, it doesn't
have an explosive payload,
206
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:24,239
so it's basically just
a flying trash can.
207
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:27,443
The only dangerous
part is the nerve gas.
208
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:28,989
I'm listening...
209
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:31,200
CO-PILOT: (ON HEADSET)
Roger that, flight deck...
210
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,371
Um...
211
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,830
PILOT: Range 150,
ETA, 12 minutes.
212
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,458
Hey, is your dad
still big into tapas?
213
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:46,086
My what? Oh, no,
that wasn't my dad.
214
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:49,259
Well, who was it?
215
00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:51,850
Doesn't matter who.
216
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:53,764
PAM: Because these
trunks feel light!
217
00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:58,356
Do you swear they're full of cocaine?
As God is my witness!
218
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,851
God hates you.
Open 'em up.
219
00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:02,902
(HONKING LOUDLY)
220
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:04,524
Would you two come on?
221
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:06,280
On what?
Ugh.
222
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:07,699
Do you hear that?
223
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:12,621
(GASPING) If we get out of here alive
I'll buy you all new cocaine! And a pony!
224
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,823
You heard her, Cyril,
that is legally binding!
225
00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,158
CYRIL: Yeah,
we'll stop at a notary.
226
00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:17,538
MALORY:
There's no time!
227
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:21,380
SLATER: Hey, hi,
do you people hear that?
228
00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:23,380
After the airstrike
on the palace
229
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,426
you won't able to swing a dead cat
around here without hitting a Marine.
230
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:30,472
Plus, if you did, I bet they'd smash
your teeth down your stupid throat.
231
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:32,549
Okay.
(BREATHING RAPIDLY)
232
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,350
Lana, I need to
borrow your weapon...
233
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:37,645
No! I will see
you in hell first!
234
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,143
I... Okay, Carol,
grab that one.
235
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:44,736
Private Me, reporting for sploosh.
ARCHER: Ugh.
236
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:48,361
Take Tweedledick and Tweedleballs,
go get the jet ready for takeoff...
237
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,316
(FIRING REPEATEDLY)
Outlaw country!
238
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,198
Let me finish!
What?
239
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:54,780
And make sure they
don't escape.
240
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:57,366
Oh, my God, good thing
you added that last part.
241
00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,750
You heard the doula!
Move it!
242
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:02,871
And get me some
frickin' morphine!
243
00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:06,299
Lana, c'mon, what kind of doula
would I be if I let you have mor...
244
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,546
(GUN CLICKING)
Wha...
245
00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:08,842
(GROANING LOUDLY)
246
00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,092
Wow!
And some ammo!
247
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,388
(LAUGHING)
248
00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:14,557
You were really gonna
shoot me in the face...
249
00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:17,226
(SNIFFLING)
ls that so much to ask?
250
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,605
CO-PILOT: Uncle. Uh...
Friend of the family.
251
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:23,691
Dude. Drop it.
252
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,616
We should get to
the shelter soon.
253
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:34,073
You coward.
(GLASS BREAKING)
254
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:35,153
But, wha...
255
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:36,863
I've never loved you.
256
00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:40,783
(SIGHING) Okay.
257
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,208
CYRIL: But what if the
rebels recognize me?
258
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:45,546
If...
Yeah!
259
00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:47,920
And then drag him out of the car
and kneel him down and shoot him
260
00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:51,253
in the back of the head and string
him up on a lamppost like Mussolini!
261
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,805
(PAM MUNCHING) (NERVOUSLY)
Yeah, what then?
262
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,383
That's a chance
I'm willing to take.
263
00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:57,638
Me too.
264
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,303
(MUNCHING CONTINUES)
265
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:01,604
Cyril, look out!
Cyril!
266
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,306
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
(BOTH YELLING)
267
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,817
(ALL YELLING)
268
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:07,943
(SCREECHING)
269
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:12,733
Hi, guys!
270
00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:15,160
What the hell are you idiots...
(LOUD EXPLODING)
271
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,626
Oh, come on, we couldn't
leave it in the rocket...
272
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:28,877
(CAR ROCKING)
(ALL GASPING)
273
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,543
KRIEGER: And we couldn't just
leave it lying in the road...
274
00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:35,597
C'mon, you don't want a thing like
that falling into the wrong hands.
275
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:39,934
"The only thing necessary for evil to
triumph is that good men do nothing."
276
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,307
Said the clone
of Adolf Hitler.
277
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,144
Well, Edmund Burke, but...
278
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,684
Doesn't matter who.
279
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:57,944
PILOT:
Dude! Drop it!
280
00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:00,784
I'm not gonna
judge you!
281
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:03,036
The ordnance, Mike.
Drop the ordnance.
282
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,293
(CHUCKLING)
Oh. Duh.
283
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:07,920
PILOT: (SIGHING) Idiot.
284
00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,293
MALORY: Cyril, for
God's sake, be careful!
285
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,094
CYRIL: Would you shut up?
I know how to...
286
00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:16,386
(TIRES SCREECHING)
287
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:18,848
Idiot.
(LOUD GROANING)
288
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:19,970
Uh...
What the...
289
00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:21,016
MALORY: Lana?
290
00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:22,093
(GROANING CONTINUES)
291
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:25,180
Archer!
What are you doing?
292
00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:27,766
I'm trying to get the
stupid angle right, Lana!
293
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:30,568
So you can look in the mirror,
and see if you're crowning!
294
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,816
What? MALORY: For
the love of Christ!
295
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:35,023
Mother, hey, go over there
and tell me if you can...
296
00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:38,235
Get! Out! And,
Pam, get in here!
297
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:40,408
No. No...
Shh.
298
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,739
Everything's all right.
Here.
299
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:46,038
All right, now, Pam,
I want you to...
300
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:49,504
You know how many times I've helped
a cow give birth in the barn?
301
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,543
Plus one time
my sister, Edie?
302
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,168
Well, she couldn't
have it in the house...
303
00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:58,505
Long story.
A long, racist story.
304
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:00,594
I had black guy,
what'd y'all have?
305
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,801
Ugh, I wasn't in
the sperm donor pool!
306
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:05,769
Wait, are we still doing phrasing?
KRIEGER: Huh.
307
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:08,977
Should I be in there? I feel like I should.
I mean, l am a doctor...
308
00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:10,065
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
309
00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:11,984
Well, no, but...
A student of life.
310
00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:13,027
(LOUD BANGING)
311
00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:14,274
What the...
What now?
312
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:17,444
(BANGING CONTINUES) I have
cigarettes if you want 'em!
313
00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:20,860
No, Ray, I just feel
like smashing stuff.
314
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:23,446
(BANGING) Jesus, I feel
so helpless out here!
315
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:27,124
What if something goes wrong? What
if there's a birth defect or...
316
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,201
(GROANING)
317
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:31,208
No, no, no, stop, no, what if there
aren't enough hands and feet?
318
00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:32,914
Shh, it's going to be...
Oh, my God!
319
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:36,126
What if there're too many hands and feet?
ls that worse or...
320
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,803
Hey! I have the correct number of
hands, but they're currently kinda
321
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,926
full and you need
a slappin', so...
322
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,466
Wait...
(GASPING)
323
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:46,435
Oh, please. Like you're the only one
who ever had a baby in a war zone.
324
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:49,139
Ya know...
Okay, okay, okay.
325
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,725
Get some hay ready to dry
this little bastard off
326
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,560
because now you
are gonna push!
327
00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:54,690
(GRUNTING)
328
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,191
No, no, no,
no, no, what if we...
329
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:57,271
Ow!
330
00:14:57,355 --> 00:15:01,201
You old bitch! Now move that
big, fat, smelly ass, you hear?
331
00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:05,788
A Day No Pigs Would Die?
Anybody?
332
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:08,575
Not a big Robert
Newton Peck crowd, huh?
333
00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:10,952
Who is... Oh, shut up, now push!
334
00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:12,036
(GRUNTING)
335
00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:14,005
Lana!
336
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,833
Hey, hey, c'mon,
they've got this.
337
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:18,922
(BABY COOING)
(BOTH GASPING)
338
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,045
(LAUGHING)
339
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:23,722
Well! It's a girl!
340
00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:24,799
ALL: Aww.
341
00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:26,930
And whoever had
black guy, pay up.
342
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,181
Oh, shit.
God damn it!
343
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:30,855
Yep. Got ourselves
a little quadroon.
344
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:34,397
MALLORY: (SIGHING)
You did good, kiddo.
345
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:36,523
Mmm. Yeah...
346
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:39,613
Oh. And, uh...
I quit.
347
00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:41,362
What?
Why?
348
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:45,612
Because you lying to me I can handle.
I'm used to that, but...
349
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:48,039
(SIGHING)
Not Archer.
350
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:52,620
Oh, for... He didn't know that I made
a deal to sell cocaine for the CIA.
351
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,121
Pff. Whatever.
352
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:58,333
Lana Kane. You have known
me for a long, long time.
353
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,135
When have I ever been
honest with Sterling?
354
00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:03,588
Huh.
355
00:16:04,005 --> 00:16:07,509
Exactly. Now, if you
two will excuse me,
356
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:11,688
I need to go threaten and/or
bribe some federal agents.
357
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,812
Well at least put
a seatbelt on it!
358
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:16,809
ARCHER: See?
What'd I tell you!
359
00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,611
KRIEGER: I thought it was
just for takeoff and landing!
360
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:20,275
Jesus Christ...
361
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,194
So, how's she doing?
362
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:26,323
She's fine. I told her you didn't
know anything about the CIA deal.
363
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:29,576
Well, thanks for telling the truth,
Mother, sure that was hard for you.
364
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:32,955
You keep it up, mister, and I'll
walk right back in there and tell
365
00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:35,253
her the whole thing
was your idea!
366
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:36,412
Did you guys
hear that?
367
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:37,793
ALL: No.
368
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:38,839
ARCHER:
Dicks.
369
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:42,385
All right, Holly, this is my offer
and it is non-negotiable...
370
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:44,508
(GASPING) You think
she's buyin' more coke?
371
00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:47,591
Ugh! You and your
stupid, stupid cocaine!
372
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,017
Can't you give her a brain chip?
A what?
373
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:54,188
A brain chip? Like you gave Cherlene
so she could become a country singer?
374
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:56,774
(LAUGHING) No, that
wasn't a brain chip.
375
00:16:56,933 --> 00:17:00,187
It was just the sticker off the
backpack of a little LEGO spaceman.
376
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,646
What?
A LEGO sticker?
377
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:06,906
Woah. So my whole life all I ever
had to do was believe in myself?
378
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:10,196
And inject a sticker
into my brain?
379
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:12,573
HOLLY:
Are you out of your mind?
380
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:16,537
Are you? Showing up at the mansion,
pretending to search for the cocaine?
381
00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:20,499
While planting the seed in your idiot
son's brain about selling it overseas.
382
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:24,506
Which I could have handled if the
CIA had kept its fat nose out!
383
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:27,555
And yet here we are, with a $50
million hole in our account!
384
00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:32,265
There's 40 of it. An original Ivan
Blitko we stole from Calderon.
385
00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:33,595
What am I supposed
to do with that?
386
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:37,728
Gosh, I don't know, what am I supposed
to do with a canister of nerve gas?
387
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:40,686
No, uh-uh, that is
now CIA property.
388
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:43,939
Ooh, and won't that be
a feather in your cap.
389
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:46,732
They might even
make you director.
390
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:48,071
Hmm.
391
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,572
Or at least deputy ops...
392
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:53,407
Which, and I'm just spitballing here,
would mean you could outsource
393
00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:55,992
a good deal of business
to a private firm.
394
00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,162
Like ISIS.
395
00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:03,796
So, you lose us $50 million and
you wanna get on the CIA payroll?
396
00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:05,922
Right after you
renovate my offices.
397
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:08,050
Ha! You really are
out of your mind!
398
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:11,925
Or right after I take this deal
to your partner in the cockpit...
399
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:15,477
So...
what's your deal?
400
00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:17,600
What's my deal?
401
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:18,681
(SIGHING)
402
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:20,482
Never mind.
403
00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:23,812
...because you suddenly
decided to take up skydiving.
404
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:24,895
(GUN COCKING)
405
00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:27,861
I think we may
have a deal here.
406
00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:29,696
(KNOCKING)
Knock-knock?
407
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:30,947
Who's there?
408
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:32,991
Shit, I had
something for this.
409
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:35,869
(SIGHING)
Come see the baby, stupid.
410
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:37,033
Wow.
411
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,709
Yeah.
412
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:41,287
Wow.
413
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,213
(SIGHING) Yeah.
414
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,632
ARCHER:
I had black guy.
415
00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:47,460
Yeah...
So, about that...
416
00:18:47,585 --> 00:18:50,839
I don't think it's racist, it's just...
Archer, shut up.
417
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,844
(CHUCKLING) You shut up. Archer.
418
00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:53,970
(CLEARING THROAT)
419
00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:56,929
Okay, so, remember
when you had cancer?
420
00:18:57,345 --> 00:19:01,020
(CHUCKLING) Um, uh, vaguely.
(SIGHING) Okay.
421
00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:04,728
Well, we all thought you were gonna
die, and one night you got really drunk
422
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:08,906
and we almost had sex, and right
before you passed out you told me
423
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,779
Malory had convinced
you to freeze
424
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:12,986
a bunch of your sperm
at Dr. Feldman's office
425
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:15,993
and I was, like, "Huh. Weird,"
and then you didn't die
426
00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:18,996
and then a few years went by, and I
starting thinking about having a baby
427
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:22,170
but I was single, and all the other stuff
aside, physically you're an amazing
428
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:24,667
(VOICE FADING) human being, and
all the other, other stuff aside
429
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:26,340
I do actually love you...
430
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:29,510
And so here's this viable sample
just sitting there at Dr. Feldman's
431
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:32,509
whose security system is a joke, by
the way, and so, I guess it maybe
432
00:19:32,588 --> 00:19:37,685
(BARELY AUDIBLE) wasn't the most ethical thing
I've ever done in my entire life, but...
433
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,478
(HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)
434
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:45,811
Archer? Archer. Archer!
435
00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:50,611
What's that? Wait, wait.
Huh? What?
436
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,153
You okay?
437
00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:56,363
(EXHALING) Yeah, sorry, for a second I
thought I was just now coming out of a coma
438
00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:59,039
from when I drowned saving
your life eight months ago.
439
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,249
Lana? Am I just now coming out
of a coma from when I drowned
440
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:06,046
saving your life
eight months ago?
441
00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:07,294
No.
442
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:13,630
Lana? Am I just now coming out
of a coma from when I drowned
443
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,340
saving your life
eight months ago?
444
00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,675
No.
Then what are you...
445
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:24,433
Baby, what is she saying?
Baby? Baby. Baby!
446
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:30,775
(WHEEZING)
(STAMMERING)
447
00:20:30,855 --> 00:20:34,450
Sterling Archer, I'd like you
to meet your daughter...
448
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:36,660
Abbiejean.
449
00:20:39,317 --> 00:20:49,660
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)