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Previously, on Californication:
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- Nothing?
- Nope. Not a twitch.
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00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,215
I even tossed his salad
for a second or three.
4
00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:21,149
You sure you can handle the job?
Can you show up on time?
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00:00:21,321 --> 00:00:25,052
Play nice with others? Can you work with
actors without fucking or punching them?
6
00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:27,022
Oh, so you have read my work.
7
00:00:27,193 --> 00:00:28,751
What? What? What is it now?
8
00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:31,396
I mean, nothing would surprise me
at this point.
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He's really my kid?
I mean, all I have is his word to go on...
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...and no offense, but he doesn't present
as the most trustworthy source.
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I'm standing right here.
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He's got all these crazy expectations
of you guys making up for lost time.
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I don't have the heart to tell him
you're not that guy.
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00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,111
- Wha...? Oh, is this your kid?
- Apparently.
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Does he want a job?
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00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:53,918
Because I just promoted the PA
to writer's assistant.
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00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:56,055
Baby, there's someone you gotta meet.
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00:01:04,497 --> 00:01:06,431
- How can I make this better?
- You can't.
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Well, that's a very defeatist attitude,
Karen.
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Hank...
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...you have another family.
- "Family" is a strong word in this case.
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However dysfunctional,
we've always been a family.
23
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Now there's another one.
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There's another baby mama.
There's another kid.
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Do you realize
how fucking devastating that is?
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Do you realize that the bottom has just
officially dropped out of our relationship?
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Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I get it.
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But I think once you get over
that first initial jolt of anger...
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00:01:37,964 --> 00:01:39,158
...you're gonna see that...
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Angry? I'm not angry.
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- No? You're not?
- No. Why would I be angry?
32
00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:45,971
You seem kind of angry.
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00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:48,733
No, no, no. I'm not even entitled
to anger because...
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Because you impregnated her
before you even met me.
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That's true. That's very true.
I'm glad that you see it that way.
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00:01:55,815 --> 00:01:58,716
I think you're being hugely progressive
about the whole thing.
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00:01:58,885 --> 00:02:03,219
And that's what makes it 10 times worse.
She was there first.
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00:02:03,389 --> 00:02:05,983
She is baby mama number one.
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- I am baby mama number two.
- Okay.
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00:02:09,496 --> 00:02:14,729
And she's a ridiculous fucking milf,
which makes it even worser.
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- I know that I have a knack for this shit.
- Oh, you have a knack, all right.
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00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:22,899
It's a minor miracle that more kids
didn't come looking for you.
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Oh, hey, that's not very nice.
44
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I've always been very responsible
when it comes to the controlling of birth.
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00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:31,814
In the past, if a woman was kind enough
to share her privates with me...
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00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:35,318
...and asked me to slap on a prophylactic,
I would do that with a smile.
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But sometimes the dog water
can seep in there and cause trouble.
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Oh, yeah, I know the trouble.
I know the trouble.
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You know what you need
to start thinking about?
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Is how you are gonna tell your daughter
that she has a brother...
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...that she never even knew about.
- A half-brother, Karen. Half.
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It's like having a long-Iost cousin.
It's not that big a deal.
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- It's nothing like that.
- Okay. I gotta go to work anyway.
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So...
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It was good talking to you.
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Have a nice day.
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What the fuck? What happened
to meeting me on the curb?
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Sorry. I overslept.
I was up all night playing Xbox.
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00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:05,172
Why would you do that when
you're starting a new job?
60
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:08,041
Because that's how I deal
with my anxiety, Xbox. And weed.
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00:04:08,214 --> 00:04:11,115
Do you smoke weed? God,
there's so much I don't know about you.
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Anyway, I'm pretty nervous
about this new gig.
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Now you're gonna be pretty late
for this new gig.
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Guess I thought
show business started later.
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It does. It's 11 a.m.
Is that late enough for you?
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Shit. Okay, I'm gonna go get dressed.
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It's a good plan. Now hustle.
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- Come on. Move it.
- Okay. Okay.
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Go, go, go.
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I don't know if I'm okay
with you coming down on me so hard.
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What gives you the right?
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- Where have you been the last 20 years?
- I've been busy, not knowing about you.
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- Still.
- Mind if I use the facilities?
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I don't care.
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"I don't care."
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- Hank, what the fuck?
- Apologies.
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- Jesus.
- No need to take names in vain.
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We're adults. We happen
to have seen each other naked.
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Twenty years ago.
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- I remember that mole.
- Could we not have this conversation...
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...while I'm peeing?
- Do we have to? Okay, kidding.
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And backing away slowly.
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- Very, very slowly.
- Get out.
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00:05:08,207 --> 00:05:11,699
Could you maybe not hit on my mom in
front of me? It makes me uncomfortable.
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I wasn't hitting on her.
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I was engaging a little flirtatious banter.
There's a difference.
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Whatever. I have issues.
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Only kids who wanted to hang out
wanted to fuck my mom.
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They'd be asking for hugs all the time,
knuckle-brushing her ass.
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Fucking confusing times, man.
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00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:29,360
- What?
- Nothing.
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Do I look pimp?
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You're pimp.
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- Mom, come on, cut it out.
- Okay.
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Be nice, work hard,
mind your manners.
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- And don't be weird, okay?
- I won't.
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- Promise?
- I promise.
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- I love you.
- I love you too.
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Where's my hug?
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Asshole.
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Can you wait in the car for a minute?
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No funny stuff.
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You look cute.
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- How's Karen?
- Oh, she's been busy...
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...hating on me and whatnot.
Making voodoo dolls.
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00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,961
There she goes again.
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00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:07,531
And in the back too.
She's getting busy.
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- Do you want me to talk to her?
- That's not a good idea.
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You're already a little too milf-y
for her taste.
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- Really? Why would you say that?
- Because that's what she said.
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Wow, that is so nice of her.
She is so beautiful.
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Yeah, me and my beautiful baby mamas,
lucky me.
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Keep an eye on him, okay? He can get
a little weird in social situations.
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Really? I hadn't noticed that.
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What do you mean, weird?
He's not gonna yank out his dick, is he?
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- I don't think so.
- You don't think so?
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Maybe he went through a phase
where he liked to expose himself to girls.
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- It was totally normal.
- Maybe?
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A developmentally appropriate way
to express sexuality.
120
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,969
And it was a long time ago.
121
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We got through it.
122
00:07:02,188 --> 00:07:05,919
All right, kids.
Let's make some fucking television.
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00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:08,356
- All right.
- Yes.
124
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Hugh, my boy, you're up.
You're writing episode three.
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Awesome.
Appreciate the vote of confidence.
126
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Yeah, yeah.
127
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- Let's hear it.
- Okay, okay, okay.
128
00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:21,270
Fade in. We open
on the Santa Monica Strand.
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Camera finds Danko Jones.
He's Rollerblading down the...
130
00:07:24,644 --> 00:07:26,908
Rollerblad...?
Why the fuck is he Rollerblading?
131
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Why is the incredibly cool, aggressively
male star of our show Rollerblading?
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00:07:30,983 --> 00:07:33,816
Because he wants to meet women.
Works like a charm, trust.
133
00:07:33,986 --> 00:07:35,248
Anyway, stay with me.
134
00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:38,857
Danko meets this beautiful girl
on the Strand. She is banging.
135
00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:41,721
Think Rihanna meets...
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00:07:41,894 --> 00:07:43,759
...someone even hotter than Rihanna.
137
00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:46,364
Danko takes her home
and bangs the shit out of her...
138
00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:49,092
...because that's just the kind of guy
our Danko is.
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Next morning, he wakes up, she's gone.
He heads off to work.
140
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:56,104
Guess who the new captain is.
Roller girl.
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00:07:57,076 --> 00:07:58,976
Deal with that, Danko.
142
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,183
- Hank, you're writing episode three.
- Okay.
143
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:07,376
- I'll write it.
- Hank, you're writing episode three.
144
00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:10,579
I do have 15 years
of procedural experience...
145
00:08:10,756 --> 00:08:13,156
...versus the rapist, who has none.
146
00:08:13,693 --> 00:08:15,718
- Hank, episode three.
- Groovy.
147
00:08:15,895 --> 00:08:17,920
- What do you got?
- What do you mean?
148
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Story ideas. Let's go.
149
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:24,536
I'm not a big fan of outlining, per se.
150
00:08:24,704 --> 00:08:27,195
I like to do a fair amount of exploring
on the page.
151
00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:30,137
That's good to know.
Save it for your novel, all right?
152
00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:32,436
Writing a good episode
of television means...
153
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:35,775
...knowing every single fucking thing
before you put pen to paper.
154
00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:38,246
This way, the work is done
before you even begin.
155
00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:41,944
- What about a bad episode of television?
- Same thing.
156
00:08:42,555 --> 00:08:44,147
Come on, man, pitch me something.
157
00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:48,089
- This isn't a fucking internship.
- Okay. All right. Okay.
158
00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:57,728
There's a... There's... There's a serial
rapist run amok in Santa Monica.
159
00:08:57,904 --> 00:08:59,064
- Good.
- Here we go.
160
00:08:59,238 --> 00:09:01,866
Don't worry, I'll make sure
he gets his comeuppance.
161
00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:05,067
And he's targeting
hot female Rollerbladers, right?
162
00:09:05,244 --> 00:09:09,476
And... And Danko Jones, against his will,
has to lace up and hit the Strand.
163
00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:13,881
Good. I like it. This is fun. This is funny.
It's a fish out of water.
164
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:17,318
You got the cool black guy
doing the stupid white-guy thing.
165
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,151
This is how we tell stories.
166
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:22,656
Riff on it a little bit.
What do you got for a B story?
167
00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:28,065
Yeah...
What if this doesn't need a B story?
168
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:32,637
What if this is just a very special episode
of primetime...? Oh, lunch.
169
00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:34,170
- Oh, my God.
- Finally.
170
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:35,602
What took you so long?
171
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:38,573
Kid, you gotta pretend
like I'm hypoglycemic.
172
00:09:41,981 --> 00:09:43,608
Where's mine?
173
00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:48,782
What part of "chopped and tossed...
174
00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:52,891
...extra dressing on the side, no onions"
don't you understand?
175
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:57,359
Chopped and tossed.
E*xtra dressing on the side. No onions.
176
00:09:58,464 --> 00:10:00,364
Motherfucker.
177
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,065
Great.
178
00:10:02,702 --> 00:10:05,296
- Way to go, Levon.
- You should go get some cupcakes.
179
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:10,307
It'll cheer him up. I think he prefers
sprinkles to crumbs, for what it's worth.
180
00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:12,034
Cupcakes.
181
00:10:12,211 --> 00:10:15,237
- Nobody wants cupcakes, Hugh.
- I'll have a cupcake too.
182
00:10:15,414 --> 00:10:18,451
Yes. They have peanut butter
mocha fudge today.
183
00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:24,517
You okay?
184
00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:28,419
Fuck, no.
I just got my asshole torn apart in there.
185
00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:32,655
Yeah, just dust yourself off,
get back in there. That's all you can do.
186
00:10:32,832 --> 00:10:35,960
- Why didn't you stick up for me?
- Because you fucked up.
187
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:38,262
Those people take their lunches
very seriously.
188
00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:41,895
- I've never seen anything like it, actually.
- Can I get a cigarette?
189
00:10:43,609 --> 00:10:46,737
That shit was really fucking uncalled for.
You know it.
190
00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:48,243
Did he hit you?
191
00:10:48,414 --> 00:10:49,574
Did he fire you?
192
00:10:49,749 --> 00:10:52,411
Did he stick his finger up your ass
and make you smell it?
193
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:54,280
- No, I don't think so.
- No.
194
00:10:54,453 --> 00:10:55,715
I think you'd know.
195
00:10:55,888 --> 00:10:57,287
He didn't.
196
00:10:57,456 --> 00:10:59,549
So just, you know, do better tomorrow.
197
00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:03,684
My whole life has been about doing
better tomorrow. It's a sound philosophy.
198
00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:07,128
I just don't know, man. This
show-business stuff is really high-stakes.
199
00:11:07,299 --> 00:11:11,531
Oh, yeah. Yeah, the business of chopped
salads is some cutthroat shit, isn't it?
200
00:11:11,704 --> 00:11:13,899
You think that's bad?
You wanna be an actor?
201
00:11:14,073 --> 00:11:17,509
You have any idea how much rejection
you're gonna face on a daily basis...
202
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,872
...especially looking the way you do?
203
00:11:20,312 --> 00:11:23,338
Which is absolutely fucking adorable.
204
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:27,149
Can I get your advice on something?
205
00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:29,184
If you must.
206
00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:33,884
I really wanna have sex
with Rath's assistant.
207
00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:35,823
Not today, in the future.
208
00:11:35,995 --> 00:11:39,761
- The not-too-distant future. Like soon.
- It's good to have dreams.
209
00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:42,799
- Good to shoot for the moon.
- Yeah, but how do I get there?
210
00:11:42,968 --> 00:11:45,095
- Do I come on really strong, you know?
- Nope.
211
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:48,206
- Or do I play it cool?
- Yes, it's best to play it cool.
212
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:51,775
Like... Like, almost don't even say
anything to her, ever.
213
00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:56,278
Like... Like, almost ignore her completely.
Let her come to you.
214
00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:59,782
- I'm not sure I see how that's gonna...
- Trust.
215
00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:01,579
Hey, sorry I blew up at you, kid.
216
00:12:01,754 --> 00:12:03,085
- Rite of passage.
- No problem.
217
00:12:03,255 --> 00:12:04,882
- Just get it right next time.
- Okay.
218
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:07,525
When in doubt, you just follow
the fucking directions.
219
00:12:07,693 --> 00:12:09,354
- Okay.
- Like with actors.
220
00:12:09,528 --> 00:12:13,692
When in doubt, just say the fucking lines.
Same thing applies to writers, right?
221
00:12:13,866 --> 00:12:17,097
- Just follow the fucking note.
- You're getting a real master class.
222
00:12:17,269 --> 00:12:19,362
Speaking of actors,
wanna join me in casting?
223
00:12:19,538 --> 00:12:21,597
- We're auditioning crack whores.
- Oh, yeah.
224
00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:23,742
Hey, that sounds cool.
Can I come watch?
225
00:12:23,909 --> 00:12:27,401
No, but you can get me an iced half-caf,
one pump sugar-free caramel...
226
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,777
...two pumps sugar-free vanilla,
nonfat caramel macchiato.
227
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:32,508
Got that?
228
00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:34,209
Sure.
229
00:12:34,386 --> 00:12:36,752
What...? What was after "iced"?
230
00:12:37,389 --> 00:12:38,447
Write it down.
231
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,253
You know what?
I'll just go ask your assistant.
232
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:45,363
There you go. Now you're thinking, kid.
233
00:12:45,531 --> 00:12:47,158
All right.
234
00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:56,770
Danko, I know you're trying to do
the right thing, but I love the rock.
235
00:12:56,942 --> 00:13:01,470
The rock is my friend, my lover,
my confidante.
236
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:05,948
So I know you think you have magic there
between your legs...
237
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:09,110
...but when I put my dick... My lip...
238
00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:14,251
But putting my lips on that glass dick,
that's the shit.
239
00:13:14,426 --> 00:13:17,884
That's all the dick
this girl's gonna need.
240
00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:21,223
Scene.
241
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:22,895
Very good.
242
00:13:23,068 --> 00:13:25,764
- I like the improv, the glass-dick stuff.
- Yeah. Thank you.
243
00:13:25,938 --> 00:13:27,132
- Thank you.
- Very creative.
244
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:30,707
Thanks. I just... It just came on me...
Came to me. It came...
245
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:33,470
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
246
00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:37,814
I think you're a lot more talented
than you think you are.
247
00:13:38,784 --> 00:13:39,808
Thank you.
248
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:42,078
There was a real moment in there.
249
00:13:42,254 --> 00:13:43,551
I saw the price you paid.
250
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:47,185
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
251
00:13:47,359 --> 00:13:49,725
- Come back and see us again, please.
- Okay.
252
00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:57,796
Why do you keep saying that?
"The price you paid."
253
00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:01,428
- What does that even?
- Fuck if I know.
254
00:14:01,607 --> 00:14:04,303
A director I worked with used it once.
255
00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:07,968
I thought it sounded good,
so I incorporated it into my patter.
256
00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:10,012
It's good to have patter.
257
00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:15,250
- Hello.
- I have the network for you two.
258
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:17,184
They wanna make an offer
to E*ddie Nero.
259
00:14:18,657 --> 00:14:19,715
Don't do it.
260
00:14:19,892 --> 00:14:20,984
- You'll regret it.
- Why?
261
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,253
He poops on people.
262
00:14:23,662 --> 00:14:24,754
I'm not kidding.
263
00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:27,064
You gotta poop somewhere.
264
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:31,900
So acting, huh?
265
00:14:32,071 --> 00:14:33,231
I want this part.
266
00:14:34,139 --> 00:14:35,163
But why?
267
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:38,777
It's the kind of part that gets you noticed,
and I wanna be noticed.
268
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:40,377
As a crack whore?
269
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,878
I want this part.
270
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:46,575
Well, good luck to you.
You know, may the best crack whore win.
271
00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:49,813
I will totally fuck you for this part.
272
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,955
Oh, that is... That is totally sweet...
273
00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:55,889
...but I'm not really what you'd call
a decision maker.
274
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:58,894
I will suck your big black dick.
275
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:01,555
How do you know about
my big black dick?
276
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,895
Oh, you were in character just then.
277
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:05,593
That's cool. That...
278
00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:09,070
You had a real moment there.
I saw the price you paid.
279
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:10,572
You wanna see my titties?
280
00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:13,144
That's... It's not necessary.
281
00:15:13,312 --> 00:15:15,473
We're a network show. We don't do...
282
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:18,116
- Titty.
- Wardrobe malfunction.
283
00:15:18,717 --> 00:15:19,911
Yeah.
284
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:23,213
- You wanna taste my juice?
- Oh, well, no, that's cool.
285
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:25,084
I had some for breakfast already.
286
00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:29,955
Hello, Frisco.
287
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:38,200
This is not as it seems.
288
00:15:38,370 --> 00:15:42,136
Fuck you, Hank. I'm not gonna let you
get away with this shit.
289
00:15:42,308 --> 00:15:44,173
- Rath, Rath, Ra...
- No, not now, Terry.
290
00:15:44,343 --> 00:15:46,470
I'm not in the mood
for your militant bullshit.
291
00:15:46,645 --> 00:15:50,775
Please, go do something in the room.
Make yourself useful, okay?
292
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,248
Are we ready to do some thesping
or what?
293
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:55,011
What's that smell?
294
00:15:57,556 --> 00:16:00,286
- Must be ambition. Let's do this.
- Oh, yeah.
295
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,427
- What's that on the wall?
- Cock.
296
00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:04,357
And what color is it?
297
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:06,122
- Black.
- It's black.
298
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:07,731
It's a black clock.
299
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:10,232
Big black cock.
300
00:16:12,571 --> 00:16:15,267
Holy shit. That is so funny.
301
00:16:15,441 --> 00:16:17,432
Little kids are hilarious.
302
00:16:17,609 --> 00:16:20,476
- I know, right?
- Oh, my gosh.
303
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:21,840
Okay, now it's your turn.
304
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,043
What do you mean?
305
00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:26,446
I showed you mine,
now you show me yours.
306
00:16:26,618 --> 00:16:31,248
Yeah, but my favorite stuff
is definitely not safe for the workplace.
307
00:16:31,423 --> 00:16:35,325
That's okay. I mean, come on,
this isn't like your typical workplace.
308
00:16:38,263 --> 00:16:40,754
- Okay, I'll show you some shit.
- Okay.
309
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:44,061
I really don't wanna fucking deal with this.
Okay. Hank. Hank, Hank.
310
00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:47,137
Can I see you in here a minute, please?
Thank you, Terry.
311
00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:49,802
Have a seat.
312
00:16:49,975 --> 00:16:51,738
Don't mind if I do.
313
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:52,934
What's up?
314
00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:57,644
- Did you finger that actress?
- Oh, dear.
315
00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:01,044
- Not exactly.
- What the fuck does that mean...
316
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:02,244
...not exactly?
317
00:17:02,421 --> 00:17:07,552
- E*ither you finger someone, or you don't.
- Well, technically, she fingered herself...
318
00:17:07,726 --> 00:17:08,886
...with my finger.
319
00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:11,393
That's why it smelled like pussy
in there?
320
00:17:11,563 --> 00:17:12,621
No, that was ambition.
321
00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:15,560
Now I have to hire that crazy bitch.
322
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:17,395
- Why?
- Why?
323
00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:19,036
If I don't, she's gonna claim...
324
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,866
...you did something inappropriate
with your stink finger.
325
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,737
And with your record,
no one's gonna believe you didn't.
326
00:17:24,910 --> 00:17:26,537
- I see.
- What?
327
00:17:27,913 --> 00:17:31,076
What's the matter, hon?
Did he finger you too?
328
00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:33,049
What did you make her watch?
329
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:36,551
- I didn't make her watch anything.
- Well, something fucking upset her.
330
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,885
She was showing me some of her
favorite YouTube videos, right?
331
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,459
And she asked me to show her
something that I liked.
332
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,255
And?
333
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:45,996
It's kind of dirty.
334
00:17:46,165 --> 00:17:47,860
I'm a big boy. I can handle it.
335
00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:50,467
Well, speaking of big boys...
336
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:52,900
...this huge, prison yard-Iooking
motherfucker...
337
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,666
...is having anal sex
with this cute little porno chick.
338
00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:56,933
- Here we go.
- Yeah, yeah.
339
00:17:57,109 --> 00:17:59,100
So he's just banging away
and banging away.
340
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:00,870
- But that's not the cool part.
- No.
341
00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:04,641
At a key point in the video, the guy pulls
his monster cock out of her butt...
342
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:06,785
...and shoves his entire scrotus
in there.
343
00:18:06,952 --> 00:18:09,182
And this thing is ridiculous.
344
00:18:09,354 --> 00:18:11,447
It's like a giant gym bag
full of basketballs.
345
00:18:11,623 --> 00:18:13,284
So then... Best of part of the video.
346
00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:15,290
- He pulls it out again and yells:
347
00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:23,001
- It's actually really funny.
- Yeah, no, it's fucking hilarious.
348
00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:25,659
Do you know what else it is?
Sexual harassment.
349
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,806
What? She asked for it.
350
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:30,669
- This is a workplace, Leon.
- Le...? It's "Levon."
351
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:34,506
- That's what I said.
- Look, it wasn't even sexual, though.
352
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,979
It was comedic.
I mean, was I turned on?
353
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:42,114
Yes, because she's incredibly hot.
But was I trying to fuck her? No.
354
00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,016
You started to give her a back rub.
355
00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:46,749
- Jesus.
- She said that?
356
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,151
- You told me to play it cool.
- I did.
357
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:53,162
I did. I told him to play it cool.
Well played, son.
358
00:18:53,332 --> 00:18:55,095
- Thanks, Dad. Thanks.
- Well played.
359
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:56,529
The agent's on the phone.
360
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:58,067
Who? Which one?
361
00:18:58,237 --> 00:19:01,934
Oh, the one who represents
the actress that Hank fingered.
362
00:19:02,107 --> 00:19:03,836
Happy?
363
00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:06,501
You fingered an actress today?
Where was I?
364
00:19:06,678 --> 00:19:09,272
You were busy sexually harassing
my assistant.
365
00:19:09,448 --> 00:19:11,609
Jesus Christ. Like father, like son.
366
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:15,412
Two real-live degenerate assholes.
367
00:19:15,587 --> 00:19:17,817
Get the fuck out of here now.
368
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:25,655
What are we talking about here?
Are we...? Are we fired?
369
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,164
Does it look like I fire people here?
Have you seen this fucking office?
370
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,928
It's a fucking clown college out there.
371
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:34,038
Get out.
372
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,433
- What were you thinking?
- What's the big deal?
373
00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:40,407
You can't do something like that at work.
It's disrespectful.
374
00:19:40,579 --> 00:19:43,047
Says the guy who got in trouble
for fingering someone.
375
00:19:43,215 --> 00:19:44,614
Watch your tone, all right?
376
00:19:44,783 --> 00:19:46,808
- You know what? Fuck this.
- Where you going?
377
00:19:46,985 --> 00:19:49,681
- Home. I'm done.
- What, that's it? You're just gonna quit?
378
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,119
Yeah, why not?
It's a stupid fucking job anyways.
379
00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:54,122
Fetching lunches
for Hollywood assholes.
380
00:19:54,293 --> 00:19:56,488
Now we know why
you still live with your mother.
381
00:19:56,662 --> 00:19:59,495
- Who the fuck are you?
- I'm just trying to make the best...
382
00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:01,530
...of an incredibly fucked-up situation.
383
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,032
Don't bother.
I'm sorry I came looking for you.
384
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,296
Don't start saying things
you can't take back.
385
00:20:06,471 --> 00:20:07,870
Who says I wanna take it back?
386
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,031
You're a fucking drama queen,
you know that?
387
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,074
Which is why I'm gonna be
a great actor.
388
00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:14,075
You think you're gonna be
a great actor?
389
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:17,613
You can't even get through one day
as a fucking PA.
390
00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,717
- Fuck you.
- Oh, fuck me?
391
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,581
- Yeah, fuck you.
- No, fuck you, you ungrateful little shit.
392
00:20:22,754 --> 00:20:25,450
I get you a job, and what do you do?
You embarrass me.
393
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:27,785
Won't happen again.
394
00:20:30,762 --> 00:20:32,593
Come on. Come on, Hank. Do that shit.
395
00:20:32,764 --> 00:20:34,994
- Come on, baby. Come on, Hank.
- Come on, Hank.
396
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:36,759
Do it. Come on.
397
00:20:36,935 --> 00:20:38,926
No. Come on... No.
398
00:20:39,104 --> 00:20:40,435
Yes.
399
00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:41,698
- No.
- Are you kidding me?
400
00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:44,341
- My money.
- This is bullshit.
401
00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:46,875
- Thank you, Terry.
- What the fuck is going on here?
402
00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:49,275
I won. I'm writing the episode.
403
00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:52,349
No, you're not. That's not the way
it works around here, Terry.
404
00:20:52,517 --> 00:20:55,850
- I'll arm-wrestle you for it.
- And you'll win. Of that, I have no doubt.
405
00:20:56,021 --> 00:20:58,615
But I assign the episodes.
406
00:20:58,790 --> 00:21:01,691
This place is a fucking freak show.
407
00:21:02,494 --> 00:21:03,756
What the fuck is this now?
408
00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:06,454
I'm sorry to interrupt.
I'm Julia, Levon's mom.
409
00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:08,759
Levon has something
he'd like to say to you.
410
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,333
Do it.
411
00:21:10,502 --> 00:21:11,662
Hi, Melanie.
412
00:21:12,404 --> 00:21:15,931
I'm very sorry I created
a hostile working environment for you.
413
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,939
I was just trying to make you laugh.
414
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,135
- I guess I got a little carried away.
- Yeah.
415
00:21:20,312 --> 00:21:24,408
It's partially my fault. I had a very liberal
attitude about Levon and pornography.
416
00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:26,141
Well, I guess it's okay.
417
00:21:26,318 --> 00:21:30,015
It was kind of funny when the guy's balls
just popped out of her butt like that.
418
00:21:30,188 --> 00:21:31,621
I know, right?
419
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,251
Just don't try to massage me again.
420
00:21:34,426 --> 00:21:36,121
- I won't. I promise.
- It was creepy.
421
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:38,320
- Got it.
- And your breath was horrible.
422
00:21:39,498 --> 00:21:43,400
- Did you brush your teeth this morning?
- I forgot. Hank was rushing me.
423
00:21:43,568 --> 00:21:46,537
- Did you floss last night?
- Mom, stop it.
424
00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:50,798
- Okay, well...
- E*mbarrassing.
425
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:55,879
Mr. Rath, sir, I'm very sorry I fucked up
lunch and disrespected your authority.
426
00:21:56,048 --> 00:21:57,447
It will not happen again, sir.
427
00:21:57,616 --> 00:22:00,779
Whatever, kid. Shit happens.
You live and learn. Get me a Diet Coke.
428
00:22:00,952 --> 00:22:02,214
- Yes, sir.
- Rick Rath.
429
00:22:02,387 --> 00:22:04,981
- Julia.
- E*verybody calls me Rath.
430
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:08,354
I'd appreciate it if you didn't scream
at my son. He's a human being.
431
00:22:08,527 --> 00:22:11,655
And I'm sure you can find a better way
to motivate your employees.
432
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:14,890
Wow, okay.
This is really happening, huh?
433
00:22:15,967 --> 00:22:19,801
How is it even remotely possible
that you have a kid that old?
434
00:22:20,305 --> 00:22:22,671
Oh, thank you.
435
00:22:24,209 --> 00:22:25,870
Oh, right. Him.
436
00:22:26,044 --> 00:22:28,478
- Yeah, sorry.
- Okay. I'm waiting.
437
00:22:28,647 --> 00:22:29,671
Where's my apology?
438
00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:32,612
I do have something
I'd like to say to you.
439
00:22:33,285 --> 00:22:35,913
Who do you think you are
coming down on him so hard?
440
00:22:36,088 --> 00:22:37,487
Doesn't sound like an apology.
441
00:22:37,656 --> 00:22:40,181
You gotta put in serious time
before you tear into him.
442
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,953
He is my son.
You're just his sperm donor at this point.
443
00:22:43,128 --> 00:22:46,894
Why don't you try being his friend?
What do you know about him? Nothing.
444
00:22:47,065 --> 00:22:48,532
Moody just got schooled.
445
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:52,397
Well, maybe I overreacted a tad, but the
boy is in need of some male guidance.
446
00:22:52,571 --> 00:22:55,404
Hey, I think this woman
is doing a fantastic job.
447
00:22:55,574 --> 00:22:57,098
This kid's got excellent manners.
448
00:22:57,275 --> 00:22:59,243
- She brought cookies.
- Which are amazing.
449
00:22:59,411 --> 00:23:02,403
Why don't you find some patience,
and don't be a fucking asshole?
450
00:23:02,581 --> 00:23:04,606
Well said, Julia.
451
00:23:05,951 --> 00:23:07,851
Can I ask you something?
452
00:23:08,019 --> 00:23:10,544
- Sure.
- Have you ever done any acting?
453
00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:14,082
- Oh, years ago, in New York.
- New York?
454
00:23:14,259 --> 00:23:15,419
- Yeah.
- I'm from New York.
455
00:23:15,594 --> 00:23:16,686
- Oh, cool.
- Yeah.
456
00:23:16,862 --> 00:23:20,855
Well, yeah, I did some theater and a few
commercials, but I wasn't very good.
457
00:23:21,199 --> 00:23:23,793
You know what?
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
458
00:23:25,237 --> 00:23:28,638
I think you're probably a lot more talented
than you think you are.
459
00:23:32,444 --> 00:23:34,969
- Let me show you around.
- Take that, rapist.
460
00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:40,681
- So this is...
- Levon. Milk.
461
00:23:47,859 --> 00:23:51,124
I didn't see this coming, Runks.
Not at all.
462
00:23:51,296 --> 00:23:52,593
Me either, buddy.
463
00:23:52,764 --> 00:23:55,324
Boy, you really take your erections
for granted, huh?
464
00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:57,934
You never imagine they're just gonna
go away one day.
465
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:00,435
How did you manage
to steer this back to your dick?
466
00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:04,439
I was just sharing about how my life's
been turned inside out and upside down.
467
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:06,201
Well, mine too, you know?
468
00:24:06,378 --> 00:24:08,346
My dick isn't working.
469
00:24:09,247 --> 00:24:13,877
I can't make sweet love to my wife,
who surely must be growing frustrated...
470
00:24:14,052 --> 00:24:17,044
...doubting whether she did
the right thing getting back with me.
471
00:24:17,222 --> 00:24:18,553
At least you have a wife.
472
00:24:18,723 --> 00:24:22,318
My relationship with Karen has never
been more fucked than it is right now.
473
00:24:22,494 --> 00:24:24,758
- She managed to get past the Mia thing.
- Barely.
474
00:24:24,930 --> 00:24:26,454
Proof.
475
00:24:26,865 --> 00:24:28,127
Time heals all.
476
00:24:28,667 --> 00:24:29,964
E*ven broken dicks?
477
00:24:31,503 --> 00:24:33,266
Here's hoping.
478
00:24:35,941 --> 00:24:37,408
It's Marcy.
479
00:24:37,576 --> 00:24:39,339
"Come home and fuck your wife.
480
00:24:39,511 --> 00:24:42,344
She's stoned and horny
and wants some daddy dick.
481
00:24:42,514 --> 00:24:45,210
If it doesn't work, you can eat me out
and use the verb."
482
00:24:45,383 --> 00:24:47,146
- What? The ver...?
- Verb?
483
00:24:47,853 --> 00:24:49,411
- "Vibe." Brator.
- "Vibe."
484
00:24:49,588 --> 00:24:52,421
"Stop at the store. We need milk."
485
00:24:53,225 --> 00:24:55,819
Go. Go forth. Do as you're told.
486
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:59,157
Get your tongue ready for a workout.
And don't forget the milk.
487
00:24:59,331 --> 00:25:01,925
And grab some booze too.
We're almost out.
488
00:25:02,567 --> 00:25:05,730
What? You know I like me a nightcap
when I get home.
489
00:25:06,571 --> 00:25:09,597
And some Popchips.
I love me some Popchips.
490
00:25:09,774 --> 00:25:13,301
Working in TV has taught me
a lot about snack food.
491
00:25:13,478 --> 00:25:15,446
Popchips.
492
00:25:33,365 --> 00:25:35,424
- What?
- Hi.
493
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,591
What do you want, Hank?
I'm not in the mood.
494
00:25:39,437 --> 00:25:42,497
I just wanted to say how sorry I am,
you know?
495
00:25:42,674 --> 00:25:48,237
This whole thing has got me so nuts
that I haven't really taken the time...
496
00:25:48,413 --> 00:25:50,608
...to appreciate how bananas
it must be for you.
497
00:25:50,782 --> 00:25:54,809
You know, and I know I can't talk my
way out of it or expect it to blow over...
498
00:25:54,986 --> 00:25:59,184
... but, you know, I just want you to know
that I fully appreciate...
499
00:25:59,357 --> 00:26:02,155
... what a big deal this is for you.
500
00:26:02,327 --> 00:26:04,625
Okay. What else can I do for you?
501
00:26:07,232 --> 00:26:09,962
I'm a halfway-decent
paternal-type person, aren't I?
502
00:26:11,036 --> 00:26:13,334
So that's what this is about.
503
00:26:14,272 --> 00:26:15,796
You want your ego stroked.
504
00:26:15,974 --> 00:26:19,171
No, no, no. It's just that I'm feeling
pretty rusty right now...
505
00:26:19,344 --> 00:26:23,804
No, you're feeling pretty sorry
for yourself about now.
506
00:26:23,982 --> 00:26:27,679
And that's a waste of time,
because this is life, Hank.
507
00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:32,087
You know, shit comes flying at you,
and you gotta deal with it.
508
00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:35,124
That's what defines you,
how you deal with it.
509
00:26:35,293 --> 00:26:37,955
You don't get points for wallowing.
510
00:26:38,163 --> 00:26:42,896
Well, that's funny, because I have never
felt more entitled to drink...
511
00:26:43,068 --> 00:26:47,004
...and contemplate my Job-like existence
than I do right now.
512
00:26:47,172 --> 00:26:51,802
And you have a daughter
who has no idea what's coming.
513
00:26:52,444 --> 00:26:54,173
- Lucky her.
- And you have this kid...
514
00:26:54,346 --> 00:26:57,008
...who's come looking for his father.
It's a big deal.
515
00:26:57,649 --> 00:26:59,378
He's probably a raw nerve right now.
516
00:26:59,551 --> 00:27:05,285
And his mom all, like, freaked out and
wondering how her life's gonna change.
517
00:27:05,657 --> 00:27:07,557
It's a lot.
518
00:27:07,926 --> 00:27:08,950
How about you?
519
00:27:09,661 --> 00:27:11,720
You don't got time
to think about me, Hank.
520
00:27:11,896 --> 00:27:13,420
You got enough on your plate.
521
00:27:13,598 --> 00:27:15,190
Just don't give up on me, okay?
522
00:27:16,368 --> 00:27:18,393
I'm still me.
523
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:20,901
We're still us.
524
00:27:22,707 --> 00:27:24,641
Good night, Hank.
525
00:27:26,044 --> 00:27:28,204
Good night.
Ripped By mstoll