1
00:00:01,468 --> 00:00:03,698
JESS: Thanks for helping me
with my school dance.
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:07,107 --> 00:00:11,441
"Love is forever and ever and ever..."
3
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:12,804
How many "and evers"?
4
00:00:13,046 --> 00:00:17,449
Technically infinity. But I could only fit 12.
5
00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:20,479
Wow, this is gonna be tough for you.
6
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:24,622
Yes. Foster said we couldn't afford it
but I really stuck my neck out for this dance.
7
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:29,022
No, I mean because the theme
of the dance is Love is Forever and...
8
00:00:29,295 --> 00:00:31,229
...Nick and the breakup...
9
00:00:31,464 --> 00:00:34,865
What? No. Cece, look, you remember
what school dances were like for me.
10
00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:36,933
They were miserable.
I was just waiting in the bathroom...
11
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:39,628
...for Tim Keymaker to magically appear
and ask me out.
12
00:00:39,839 --> 00:00:42,535
I remember it. I was smoking in the stall
next to you.
13
00:00:42,809 --> 00:00:44,470
We get it. You were bad.
14
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:48,875
I just don't want it to be like it was for me.
I want them to have an incredible time.
15
00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:51,310
My life is a bit of a mess right now.
16
00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:55,112
But the one thing I can do
is throw an amazing dance for them.
17
00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:59,485
"Love is forever and ever and ever..."
What's this?
18
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,819
The theme of Jess' school dance.
19
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,826
- It's pretty ironic.
- Jess, you poor thing. Come here.
20
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,054
- Come here.
- What?
21
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,030
- There. All right.
- What are you doing?
22
00:01:09,669 --> 00:01:10,658
Okay.
23
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:13,304
Oh, I know. I know.
24
00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:14,529
What's happening?
25
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:18,574
I got hug number two locked and loaded.
Soft or hard, up to you.
26
00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:20,074
- I know.
- Schmidt.
27
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,078
[SINGING]
Who's that girl?
28
00:01:22,282 --> 00:01:24,842
CORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
29
00:01:30,056 --> 00:01:33,389
- Oi, oi, oi, I needed a shvitz.
- Yeah, me too.
30
00:01:33,626 --> 00:01:36,288
My arms are so sore.
I've been doing so many push-up's.
31
00:01:36,529 --> 00:01:37,518
That seems like a lie.
32
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:41,097
No, I'm trying to stay fit after the break-up.
I've been eating salads...
33
00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:42,664
...you know, no dressing.
34
00:01:42,902 --> 00:01:44,893
- Mostly just protein.
- What kind of salads?
35
00:01:45,205 --> 00:01:47,400
Little chopped up pieces of ham.
36
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:48,698
- Just the ham?
- Yeah.
37
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:52,173
I don't like the lettuce.
It's gross to eat stuff that's green.
38
00:01:52,412 --> 00:01:55,279
- You know, baby steps...
- Not baby steps, there's big pieces of ham.
39
00:01:55,482 --> 00:01:56,949
- Okay.
- You know, it's good.
40
00:01:57,217 --> 00:01:59,685
I genuinely miss goofing around with Jess.
41
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,951
Break-up's aren't supposed to be easy.
42
00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:04,013
That's really mature of you, man.
43
00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:08,387
We're doing something, we're not allowed to
be in a room alone together without Winston.
44
00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:11,358
He just naturally takes the sexual tension
out of the room.
45
00:02:14,901 --> 00:02:16,425
What did you guys want?
46
00:02:16,669 --> 00:02:19,069
See? I'm proud of you.
That's what I'm talking about.
47
00:02:19,272 --> 00:02:21,331
We're men. We've felt pain.
We've survived it.
48
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:24,169
Look at me. I'm watching Cece
drool over some 20-year-old.
49
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:27,676
How could she be interested in a boy
when she could have these ripe berries?
50
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:30,213
- Look at these, Nick.
- Put your towel down.
51
00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:32,782
Oh, God, I need a shvitz.
52
00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:35,044
Why does my sweat smell like asparagus?
53
00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:37,085
He does take all the sexual tension
out of a room.
54
00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:38,780
I heat up every room I walk into.
55
00:02:39,025 --> 00:02:41,084
Put me next to a dozen eggs,
they hatching.
56
00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:43,727
You know why?
Because I got the heat of a mother hen.
57
00:02:43,963 --> 00:02:45,555
There was no sexual tension in here
before he got here.
58
00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:47,425
Keep telling yourself that, Nick.
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00:02:48,201 --> 00:02:52,365
Congrats, chaperones. With your help,
tonight is going to be unforgettable.
60
00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:54,573
- I didn't sign up for this.
- No, you didn't.
61
00:02:54,807 --> 00:02:59,904
None of you did. In fact, none of you have ever
signed up for any school event ever.
62
00:03:00,146 --> 00:03:04,515
Which means you've never felt the joy
of exchanging your free time for a child's smile.
63
00:03:04,784 --> 00:03:07,617
I never volunteered because of
my Munchausen syndrome.
64
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,685
- Are we getting paid?
- You will get paid.
65
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:12,915
Actually, in attractive hats that I made.
66
00:03:13,159 --> 00:03:16,026
They say "Chaperone."
Ha, ha.
67
00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:18,264
And Gary the Janitor's
says "Clean Up Crew."
68
00:03:18,498 --> 00:03:23,026
You call me Gary the Janitor as if
me being ajanitor is my whole identity.
69
00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:27,137
It's like someone calling you
"Jess the 3rd Hottest White Teacher."
70
00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:30,137
- Okay.
- Are we done? I'm gonna say we're done.
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00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:33,277
TEACHER: Yeah, okay.
- Thanks, guys. Good meeting.
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00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:36,778
MAN: I don't know where I'm supposed to be.
JESS: Thanks, guys.
73
00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:38,813
It's gonna be great.
74
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,043
You don't have to wear that, Coach.
75
00:03:41,321 --> 00:03:43,482
As far as I'm concerned,
this dance starts now.
76
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:47,352
I know how important this dance is to you.
Those kids won't get away with anything.
77
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:51,223
If they wanna bang, they're gonna have to bang
through me. Wait.
78
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:56,862
If they wanna bang, they're gonna have to bang
through me! Wait.
79
00:03:58,605 --> 00:04:00,470
Hey, Wendy.
80
00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:04,575
Whoa, that shirt's scary.
81
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,640
- You going to the dance tonight?
- My mom's making me go.
82
00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:12,350
Making you go
to the best night of your life?
83
00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:14,348
Your mom sounds really cool.
84
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:18,148
Come on, at your age,
love is forever and ever and ever.
85
00:04:19,225 --> 00:04:21,125
- What are you gonna wear?
- This shirt.
86
00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:23,887
Oh. Oh!
87
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:27,362
That is the best idea I've heard
all week.
88
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:30,595
Whoo, scary shirt!
89
00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:33,670
We all think that you're an idiot
for dating this 14-year-old.
90
00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:35,373
- He's 20.
- That means he was 7...
91
00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:37,599
...when Good Will Hunting came out,
7, Cece.
92
00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:38,866
Good Will Hunting.
93
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,977
Let me go, let me go. Check this out.
94
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:45,241
Cece's boyfriend is so young that...
95
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:48,209
Come back to me.
96
00:04:48,454 --> 00:04:50,251
Buster's more of a man than all of you.
97
00:04:50,523 --> 00:04:55,051
He's been to like 40 countries, he builds boats,
he used to train snakes with his uncle...
98
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,523
Earning a respectable wage.
99
00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:58,856
Wearing a proper-hanging pair of slacks.
100
00:04:59,098 --> 00:05:01,362
Ordering sushi like a sick-ass boss.
101
00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:03,501
These things a man maketh.
102
00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:04,727
So stupid stuff you do?
103
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:08,771
Technically, you guys are men, but all you do
is hang out with each other.
104
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:11,567
- Like you're 12.
- What do you know? You're just a stupid girl.
105
00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:13,779
- Yeah.
- Okay, I got it. Okay.
106
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:17,608
Cece's boyfriend is so young that...
How young is he?
107
00:05:17,850 --> 00:05:21,377
Winston, it's not working, man. I'm serious.
108
00:05:21,621 --> 00:05:23,919
- I'm at my wit's end with you.
- What?
109
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,014
Wait a minute.
110
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:29,786
Why is the door locked?
The dance starts in 5 minutes.
111
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,730
Gary, thank God you're here.
Can you unlock the door?
112
00:05:32,965 --> 00:05:34,523
No. I didn't put that there.
113
00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:36,962
What? Who else could've done it?
114
00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:39,637
We can't start the dance
if the door is locked.
115
00:05:39,872 --> 00:05:44,275
Don't tell me I wore my raw denim
for no reason. Don't you dare tell me that!
116
00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:46,774
- I'm not telling you that.
- The dance is canceled?
117
00:05:46,979 --> 00:05:49,880
No. There's gonna be a dance.
It'll be great, perfect, lovely...
118
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,812
...and it will celebrate love is forever
and ever and ever...
119
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,144
Where are you guys going?
120
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:56,914
In life, nowhere.
But I know I don't wanna be here.
121
00:05:57,156 --> 00:05:59,784
Guys, please stay.
It would really mean a lot to me.
122
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,050
MAN:
Boring.
123
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:05,956
It's Jess. All of her chaperones just bailed.
She needs help.
124
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,100
A lady needs help? Is that ajob for a boy?
125
00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:11,462
NICK: No.
- Or a man?
126
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:13,797
[CHANTING]
Men! Men! Men!
127
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,702
Men! Men! Men!
128
00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:18,170
The dummy patrol is ready.
129
00:06:18,411 --> 00:06:20,572
Men! Men!
130
00:06:20,813 --> 00:06:21,802
Man.
131
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:24,107
- So stupid.
- Are you okay for real?
132
00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:26,443
- You got any ice?
- Rub his shoulder.
133
00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:28,119
I'll get him ice. I'll get ice.
134
00:06:28,354 --> 00:06:29,616
- You all right?
- Man!
135
00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:31,323
Okay, just sit back.
136
00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:32,683
Nick, get the ice!
137
00:06:34,927 --> 00:06:36,360
How do you know how to do that?
138
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:40,658
A tire iron is actually strong enough to break
a high-carbon steel steering wheel lock...
139
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,731
...so I figured it would work with this.
140
00:06:42,935 --> 00:06:45,802
- Cece scares me sometimes.
- Just tip of the iceberg, my friend.
141
00:06:46,038 --> 00:06:47,369
CECE:
Got it.
142
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:50,666
- Yes! Yes!
- There we go. Now we're cooking with gas.
143
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:53,037
JESS:
Everything's back on track, guys.
144
00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:56,214
This bike lock was a real punk move.
145
00:06:56,449 --> 00:06:59,213
Seems like there's a lot of punks here.
Did you do this? Hey.
146
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,886
COACH: Hey. Easy, easy.
- You do this?
147
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,645
If anyone's messing with this dance,
it's one of those teachers.
148
00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:08,020
Those hats were begging for payback.
Hey, listen up, chaperones.
149
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,560
You will obey all of my instructions.
This means everything to Jess.
150
00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:16,735
Your asses belong to me now.
Which means, I currently have four asses.
151
00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:19,199
The three of yours and mine!
152
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,374
I think we're capable of handling
a bunch of pre-pubescent kids.
153
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:24,235
Do you think you are tough, Winston?
154
00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:27,844
You have no idea what these little bastards
are capable of.
155
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:31,049
I mean, I love them.
I love them with all my heart.
156
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:35,516
But they will
hurt your feelings sometimes.
157
00:07:35,755 --> 00:07:38,690
He's right. I remember
sticks and stones may break your bones...
158
00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:41,587
...but not if you're a fat kid
with calcium deficiency.
159
00:07:42,562 --> 00:07:44,689
Schmidt, you're on snack table duty.
Keep the chip bowls full.
160
00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:49,265
Don't let kids spike the punch and make sure
Diabetic Amy only has four cookies.
161
00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:52,096
Diabetic Amy ain't gonna get no cookies
on my watch.
162
00:07:52,338 --> 00:07:54,499
She has to have at least two
or she'll pass out.
163
00:07:54,707 --> 00:07:58,268
- She'll get nothing as far as I'm concerned.
- At least two or she'll pass out.
164
00:07:58,511 --> 00:07:59,876
- All right, Winston?
- Yes, sir.
165
00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:02,342
- Dance floor duty.
- You shouldn't have said that.
166
00:08:02,548 --> 00:08:05,278
That is the perfect place.
I got so much heat coming off me.
167
00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:08,544
No, no, no. No heat. No heat.
168
00:08:08,788 --> 00:08:11,586
None. Hey, look at me. No heat.
The opposite of heat.
169
00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:13,553
Six inches separation at all times.
170
00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:15,727
Nobody's getting pregnant tonight.
171
00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:17,987
That's the same thing I say on my dates.
172
00:08:19,031 --> 00:08:20,464
It's not cool.
173
00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:25,502
- Let's hit it.
- Hey, hey. Saving the best for last?
174
00:08:25,771 --> 00:08:28,831
I'm sorry, Nick,
you're not chaperone material.
175
00:08:29,108 --> 00:08:32,509
I've been at this job for a few weeks
and I know the stink of a bad kid.
176
00:08:32,778 --> 00:08:35,576
That makes me the perfect candidate
to be a chaperone, Coach.
177
00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:39,251
Just think about it,
I can get in the mind of a bad kid.
178
00:08:39,485 --> 00:08:41,885
Think like him. Go deep.
I could go too deep.
179
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:44,215
I'll put you in the parking lot to sweep
for stragglers.
180
00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:47,290
- You want me on the streets.
- It's not that important of ajob.
181
00:08:48,327 --> 00:08:50,295
I won't let you down.
182
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,828
I'm not gonna let you down.
183
00:08:55,134 --> 00:08:58,365
You taking a break right now?
184
00:08:59,238 --> 00:09:01,399
[CARLY RAE JEPSEN'S "CALL ME
MAYBE" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
185
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:03,973
You gave me nothing at all
But still you're in my way
186
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:07,873
I beg, and borrow and steal
Have foresight and it's real
187
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:09,513
I didn't know I would feel it
188
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:13,048
You got to get the heat move...
You gotta move... No heat. No heat.
189
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:15,810
No heat, Bishop. No heat.
Keep that heat locked up.
190
00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:18,114
Keep that heat.
191
00:09:18,324 --> 00:09:20,019
[SINGING]
Think you're going, baby
192
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,456
[MUMBLING]
193
00:09:22,662 --> 00:09:23,651
This is crazy
194
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:26,764
- Put that heat away, Bishop!
- All right. Yeah.
195
00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:29,024
You got that.
196
00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:31,897
What are you looking at?
197
00:09:32,438 --> 00:09:34,372
Cool mustache.
198
00:09:36,042 --> 00:09:37,839
Too much heat.
199
00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:39,874
Too much heat.
200
00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:43,639
All right, kids, let's use the serving tongs!
This isn't Appalachia.
201
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,378
Hurry up, everybody,
before Justin eats everything.
202
00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:53,052
Son, I don't think you meant
to hurt Justin's feelings there.
203
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:55,419
What's going on, really?
204
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:57,390
The parents fighting at home?
205
00:09:57,630 --> 00:10:00,690
- Leave me alone, flamer.
- Flamer?
206
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:03,661
- You're the flamer, pal.
- You're the flamer.
207
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:04,961
- You're the flamer.
- Flamer.
208
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:07,833
- Stop saying that word. It's offensive, flamer.
- Flamer.
209
00:10:08,074 --> 00:10:09,735
- Take a doughnut, you flamer.
BOY: Flamer.
210
00:10:10,042 --> 00:10:14,411
Schmidt, I got a bit of a situation here.
Um, thoughts? Advice?
211
00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:21,452
What now? Son of a... Penis.
That wasn't better.
212
00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:23,555
Sorry, everyone.
213
00:10:23,856 --> 00:10:27,758
You were right. Someone's trying to mess with
my dance.
214
00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:31,389
It's paste, and it's fresh.
215
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,155
[HUMMING NEARBY]
216
00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:38,062
Banana in the dark.
217
00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:42,604
Uh-oh.
218
00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:44,704
You ruined my dance!
219
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:47,241
I can smell the paste. Perpetrator!
220
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,845
[WHISPERING]
He's in there.
221
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:56,453
When we get in there, I'm going
to be good cop, you be bad cop, okay.
222
00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:59,283
Got it.
223
00:10:59,625 --> 00:11:04,119
There are two ways this could go. Number one,
you tell us why you ruined the dance.
224
00:11:04,630 --> 00:11:08,896
Number two: I bash your skull in
with a carburetor!
225
00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:12,403
- I thought I was bad cop.
- You are bad cop.
226
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,732
I'm the tough, competent cop,
who's good at herjob...
227
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:20,071
...you're the bumbly, dumb cop who's nice...
- See, that's not how it works though.
228
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:23,804
- The good cop is nice, the bad cop is mean.
- That'd be nice cop, mean cop.
229
00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:27,279
- That's how it works on every cop show.
- I watch cop shows.
230
00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:30,488
- You need to pay more attention.
- What do you aawul women want?
231
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:35,989
We want to know why you locked the door
and poured glue in the breaker.
232
00:11:36,295 --> 00:11:38,024
I didn't do any of that.
233
00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:42,322
Why would anybody want to ruin
such a magical night?
234
00:11:43,736 --> 00:11:48,469
You're the one who wanted to have this
dance. Revenge would be my guess.
235
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:53,504
- What do you know?
- You have the grip of a much taller woman.
236
00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:55,843
And I don't not like that.
237
00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:57,345
CECE:
Ugh.
238
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:09,492
- What's up? Hanging in the parking lot.
- We don't need a chaperone.
239
00:12:10,963 --> 00:12:12,362
Calling me a 'rone?
240
00:12:12,598 --> 00:12:15,999
I'm not a 'rone.
I'm basically the same guy as you.
241
00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:21,071
We're wearing the same shirt. I'm a good guy.
I'm having fun. I'm just...
242
00:12:21,373 --> 00:12:24,968
I'm bored in there. I'm looking to hang out.
Is that a crime, officers?
243
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:30,714
You guys got any billy whizz? Any juice,
any sweet Mary Jane? I'm looking.
244
00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:34,942
If you're really not a chaperone,
why don't you take a sip of this.
245
00:12:35,888 --> 00:12:39,051
- Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Nothing to prove.
- You a 'rone or not?
246
00:12:40,126 --> 00:12:41,354
Give me that.
247
00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:47,562
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
248
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,763
What is that? Is that a suicide?
249
00:12:55,241 --> 00:12:57,368
- Soda flavors all mixed together?
- You know it.
250
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:01,910
That was super-intense.
Sorry I spit some of it up.
251
00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:04,011
He's cool.
252
00:13:04,216 --> 00:13:06,343
[NICK CHUCKLES]
253
00:13:07,586 --> 00:13:10,180
BOY:
Hi, guys. Hey!
254
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:16,622
Hey, buddy. Tommy? I just wanted to apologize
for what happened before.
255
00:13:16,929 --> 00:13:19,693
What, are you gonna propose to me now?
256
00:13:19,899 --> 00:13:22,299
[SCHMIDT LAUGHS]
257
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:27,268
That's funny. You know, when I was young,
I, too, found that humor can be a useful tool.
258
00:13:27,573 --> 00:13:29,632
Dude, get up. I'm not gonna marry you.
259
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:37,613
I found that humor could be a useful tool,
and then you grow up and become a man.
260
00:13:37,917 --> 00:13:40,408
- You smell like a woman.
- That's it! Enough is enough.
261
00:13:40,686 --> 00:13:44,383
You think you're a tough guy, tough guy.
Prove it, man.
262
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:48,058
- Name the time and place.
- Fifteen minutes. Parking lot.
263
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:49,521
- Fist fight?
- Foot race.
264
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:53,231
- What?
- Yeah, you heard me. Foot race, man.
265
00:13:53,465 --> 00:13:56,161
I'll run circles around you and all your pals.
266
00:14:00,973 --> 00:14:02,099
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
267
00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:08,247
Oh, you guys are multiplying like bunnies.
There's a lot more of you than there is of me.
268
00:14:08,447 --> 00:14:10,415
[WINSTON GIGGLES]
269
00:14:14,286 --> 00:14:16,948
We should lock the doors.
No one gets in, no one gets out.
270
00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:19,555
The culprit's inside. It's Gosford Park!
271
00:14:19,825 --> 00:14:24,819
- You need to calm down, Jess.
- I can't calm down. I want this to be perfect.
272
00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:29,658
I know, but there are kids doing their
homework in there. It's bleak.
273
00:14:29,969 --> 00:14:33,769
I know after what happened with Nick,
you wanted this to go great, but...
274
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:38,339
It's not your fault that the dance got messed
up, all right? You'll get them next time.
275
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:41,309
BOTH [CHANTING]:
Chug, chug, chug!
276
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:46,114
Oh, that's a sugar rush, man!
That's a buzz in the brain.
277
00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:50,883
You guys see how high I just got?
278
00:14:57,663 --> 00:14:59,688
- I'm good.
- He ain't a 'rone. Too dumb.
279
00:14:59,932 --> 00:15:05,097
This is fun. I miss this. I really do. Let's keep
going. Let's get burgers, meet some girls!
280
00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:10,331
- Different ages, man. It's so early!
- We got something to show you.
281
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:18,345
Look, guys. We had a lot of fun, but we can get
in a lot of trouble for doing this.
282
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:22,919
Which is why you gotta run really fast
when it goes off.
283
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:27,859
- Like now! Go, I'm right behind you.
- Oh, my God!
284
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:34,425
What are we gonna do now?
285
00:15:36,368 --> 00:15:38,199
NICK: Let's ride.
BOY: Oh, hell yeah!
286
00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:45,507
- Wendy?
- Busted.
287
00:15:51,216 --> 00:15:57,451
Well, you really did come prepared, Wendy.
A wrench, some glue...
288
00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:00,755
Box of tampons.
289
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,087
- What were you gonna do with this?
- Uh...
290
00:16:03,595 --> 00:16:05,426
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
291
00:16:07,566 --> 00:16:11,263
- So you didn't want the dance to happen?
- None of the boys want to dance with me.
292
00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:13,470
- Jess?
- Hey, CeCe.
293
00:16:13,772 --> 00:16:15,239
- Hey!
JESS: This is Wendy...
294
00:16:15,441 --> 00:16:17,705
...she was telling me how she doesn't like
to dance with boys.
295
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:18,899
[MOUTHS]
It was her.
296
00:16:20,946 --> 00:16:22,641
Oh. Ahem.
297
00:16:22,848 --> 00:16:23,872
Yeah.
298
00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:28,382
Well, that makes sense
because boys are the dumbest.
299
00:16:28,620 --> 00:16:30,986
- You're just saying that.
- No. No, no.
300
00:16:31,256 --> 00:16:35,454
CeCe and I have met so many boys,
and they are all so dumb.
301
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:41,759
- Ha, ha. I have met more than her.
- Yeah, CeCe has met more because she's nicer.
302
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:45,735
- Nicer?
- I just mean... Because you're well-traveled.
303
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:51,302
- Well-traveled is how we say I tread lightly.
- I mean, travel a lot.
304
00:16:52,544 --> 00:16:53,533
Mm-hm.
305
00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:59,241
- I don't think I'm ever gonna dance with a boy.
- Listen, are boys dumb?
306
00:16:59,551 --> 00:17:02,111
Yes. Yes.
307
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:08,156
Do they do disappointing,
stupid things that really...
308
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:12,354
...hurt your feelings? Yes.
Sometimes things don't work out...
309
00:17:12,664 --> 00:17:16,156
...the way you plan them.
Actually, they never work out the way you plan.
310
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:22,770
But in the end, it's all worth it,
and that's why you have to try.
311
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:29,309
- Talking about sex or dancing?
CECE & JESS: Dancing.
312
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:34,315
- We're talking about upright dancing.
- Okay, I'll try.
313
00:17:34,586 --> 00:17:38,886
- Let's get back out there.
- CeCe, it's okay. There's no light. No music.
314
00:17:39,191 --> 00:17:42,251
- The dance is over.
- Oh, no. The dance is not over.
315
00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:45,963
We just need to find some stupid boys.
316
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:52,302
You look so slow.
Like a super, dumb, slow turtle.
317
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:56,473
- I'm so fast, and you're so old.
- You're so much like a turtle, it's crazy.
318
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:59,302
- Are we gonna do this?
- Yeah, we're gonna do this.
319
00:17:59,545 --> 00:18:06,280
I'm like a Hebrew cheetah,
on the count of three. One, two...
320
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:07,574
Flo Jo!
321
00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:11,217
[WHIMPERING]
322
00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:13,050
[GIRLS SQUEALING]
323
00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,139
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
324
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,275
Hello!
325
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:36,605
Yeah! Yeah!
326
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,079
- What's your problem, man?
- I wasn't driving!
327
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:44,683
Are you kidding me?
328
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,092
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
329
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:49,385
- All students inside, now!
- Go, go, go!
330
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:56,590
You three are the worst chaperones
possible on Earth.
331
00:18:56,902 --> 00:19:01,737
A dog would be better than you. A plant
wearing underwear would be better than you.
332
00:19:02,007 --> 00:19:05,443
Ray Charles' ghost would be better than you!
333
00:19:05,944 --> 00:19:08,845
What kind of men are you?
334
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:11,273
JESS:
Hey.
335
00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:13,714
Stupid boys...
336
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,717
We need you!
337
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,686
Who's ready to have a good time? The lights
went out, and you made your own lights.
338
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:21,882
[CHEERING]
339
00:19:22,127 --> 00:19:24,925
The music went out,
but we're gonna make our own music.
340
00:19:25,130 --> 00:19:26,119
[CHEERING]
341
00:19:26,398 --> 00:19:29,595
We have a very special guest for you tonight.
Please give a big...
342
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:34,272
...Coolidge Middle School welcome
to the dumbest boys in school.
343
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:36,406
[CHEERING]
344
00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:39,509
- We're going with "Sweet Surrender."
- This won't be good.
345
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:41,007
[CHEERING]
346
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:44,114
Calm down, girls. Don't get crazy.
Just calm down.
347
00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:50,912
Okay, Coolidge, get ready to hit
the dance floor. In three, two, one.
348
00:19:51,156 --> 00:19:52,180
All right, all right.
349
00:19:55,194 --> 00:20:01,656
Rap battle. 8 Mile. This one goes out
to your vice principal, Jessica Day.
350
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:04,458
[RAPPING]
I don't wear indigo, I don't wear teal
351
00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:08,299
You better look out
'Cause Schmidt is for real
352
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:12,071
I take that back
I actually do wear teal, sometimes
353
00:20:13,178 --> 00:20:16,477
- I say sometimes, you say teal. Sometimes!
ALL: Teal!
354
00:20:16,748 --> 00:20:18,648
- Sometimes! Sometimes!
ALL: Teal! Teal!
355
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,509
Mic drop.
356
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:27,519
What's up? Anybody here from Chicago,
Illinois? City of big shots with big dreams.
357
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:33,188
That would make sense, you go to school here,
you're just kids, so you're all from here.
358
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:35,093
- Somebody else go. Yeah.
- That was it?
359
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:37,700
[CHEERING]
360
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,871
[RAPPING]
Gonna be a cop, straight walking the beat
361
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,664
Role model, out on the street
362
00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:44,307
Unless I get signed to a desk
Which is also vital
363
00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:47,239
Because when paperwork slides
That's how you get a mistrial
364
00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:50,743
- When I say mis, you say trial. Mis.
ALL: Trial.
365
00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:53,883
When I say mis, you say trial,
unless you're trying to die.
366
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:56,053
NICK: Are you nuts?
- Know who you are.
367
00:20:56,288 --> 00:20:58,449
- The whole carton of doughnuts.
- Thank you!
368
00:20:58,724 --> 00:21:00,316
WINSTON: I'm just saying...
- Thank you.
369
00:21:00,559 --> 00:21:02,117
COACH: Winston!
NICK: Hey, they're kids!
370
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:05,353
- Good idea, Tom.
WINSTON: You also gotta die.
371
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:09,226
One, two. One, two!
372
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:13,894
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive,
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive,
373
00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:18,540
This is what it sounds like
Whoa
374
00:21:18,744 --> 00:21:20,575
I'm alive
375
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:29,948
This is what it sounds like
376
00:21:30,155 --> 00:21:32,453
Whoa
377
00:21:32,658 --> 00:21:35,092
I'm alive
378
00:21:36,194 --> 00:21:38,890
I'm alive
Ripped By mstoll