1
00:00:17,825 --> 00:00:19,677
<i>Thanks for helping me
with my school dance.</i>

2
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:27,636
"Love is forever,
and ever, and ever, and..."

3
00:00:27,904 --> 00:00:31,537
- How many "and ever"s?
- Technically infinity, but...

4
00:00:31,597 --> 00:00:33,117
I could only fit 12.

5
00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:36,747
Well, this is going to be
tough for you, huh?

6
00:00:36,782 --> 00:00:39,043
Yes! Foster said
we couldn't afford it,

7
00:00:39,044 --> 00:00:41,050
but I really stuck my neck out
for this dance.

8
00:00:41,060 --> 00:00:45,167
No, I-I mean because the theme
of the dance is "Love is forever" and...

9
00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:47,377
Nick, and the breakup...

10
00:00:47,556 --> 00:00:51,081
What? No, Cece, look, you remember
what school dances were like for me.

11
00:00:51,271 --> 00:00:53,173
They were miserable.
I was just waiting in the bathroom

12
00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:56,105
for Tim Keymaker to magically appear
and ask me out.

13
00:00:56,106 --> 00:00:58,856
I remember. I was smoking
in the stall next to you.

14
00:00:58,857 --> 00:01:00,729
We get it, you were bad.

15
00:01:00,764 --> 00:01:03,191
I just don't want it to be
like it was for me.

16
00:01:03,373 --> 00:01:07,051
I want them to have an incredible time.
My life is a bit of a mess right now,

17
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:11,683
but the one thing I can do
is throw an amazing dance for them.

18
00:01:11,860 --> 00:01:14,863
"Love is forever,
and ever, and ever..."

19
00:01:15,034 --> 00:01:18,319
- What is this?
- The theme of Jess's school dance.

20
00:01:18,487 --> 00:01:19,845
- It's pretty ironic, huh?
- Jess, you poor thing.

21
00:01:19,846 --> 00:01:21,039
- Come-come here. Come here.
- What?

22
00:01:21,074 --> 00:01:21,936
JESS: What?

23
00:01:21,971 --> 00:01:23,204
Just... there.

24
00:01:23,238 --> 00:01:24,439
- What are you doing?
- All right.

25
00:01:24,473 --> 00:01:26,774
Uh-huh. Okay.

26
00:01:26,809 --> 00:01:28,309
Oh, I know. I know.

27
00:01:28,344 --> 00:01:30,478
- I know.
- What's happening?

28
00:01:30,512 --> 00:01:32,380
I got hug number two
locked and loaded.

29
00:01:32,414 --> 00:01:34,549
Soft or hard, it's up to you.

30
00:01:34,583 --> 00:01:35,984
- I know.
- Schmidt...

31
00:01:36,018 --> 00:01:37,986
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

32
00:01:38,020 --> 00:01:40,777
<i>♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪</i>

33
00:01:40,778 --> 00:01:45,119
Created by backinblack. Resynced by Katniss.
www.addic7ed.com

34
00:01:46,428 --> 00:01:48,096
Ay-ay-ay, I needed a shvitz.

35
00:01:48,130 --> 00:01:49,689
Ech, me, too.

36
00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:52,612
My arms are so sore
from doing so many push-ups.

37
00:01:52,958 --> 00:01:53,815
That seems like a lie.

38
00:01:53,816 --> 00:01:55,600
No, I'm trying to stay fit
after the breakup.

39
00:01:55,777 --> 00:01:58,627
I've been eating salads,
yeah, no dressing,

40
00:01:58,801 --> 00:02:01,376
- mostly just the protein.
- What kind of salad you've been eating?

41
00:02:01,535 --> 00:02:04,389
- The little chopped of pieces of ham.
- Just the ham?

42
00:02:04,569 --> 00:02:05,426
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

43
00:02:05,476 --> 00:02:08,403
I don't like the lettuce. I think it's
gross to eat stuff on earth that's green.

44
00:02:08,549 --> 00:02:09,983
- Well, look, you know baby steps...
- Not baby steps,

45
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:11,967
- there were some pretty big pieces of ham.
- Okay.

46
00:02:12,002 --> 00:02:16,342
It's still not as good.
I genuinely miss goofing around with Jess.

47
00:02:16,505 --> 00:02:18,570
Breakups aren't
supposed to be easy, so...

48
00:02:18,751 --> 00:02:20,233
Well, it's really mature of you, man.

49
00:02:20,235 --> 00:02:21,223
We're doing something where we are...

50
00:02:21,403 --> 00:02:24,773
we are not allowed to be in the room
alone together without Winston.

51
00:02:25,085 --> 00:02:27,740
'Cause he just naturally takes
the sexual tension out of a room.

52
00:02:31,078 --> 00:02:32,779
What'd you guys want?

53
00:02:32,813 --> 00:02:34,514
You see? I'm proud of you.

54
00:02:34,548 --> 00:02:36,015
That's what I'm talking
about. We're men.

55
00:02:36,050 --> 00:02:37,283
We've felt pain, we've survived it.

56
00:02:37,317 --> 00:02:38,818
Look at me.

57
00:02:38,852 --> 00:02:40,286
I'm watching Cece drool
over some 20-year-old.

58
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:42,388
How could she be interested in a boy

59
00:02:42,423 --> 00:02:43,890
when she could have these ripe berries?

60
00:02:43,924 --> 00:02:45,191
Look at these, Nick.

61
00:02:45,225 --> 00:02:46,459
Put your towel down.

62
00:02:46,493 --> 00:02:48,728
Oh, God, I need a shvitz.

63
00:02:48,762 --> 00:02:51,297
Why does my sweat smell like asparagus?

64
00:02:51,331 --> 00:02:53,299
He does take all the sexual tension
out of a room.

65
00:02:53,333 --> 00:02:55,234
Man, I heat up every room I walk into.

66
00:02:55,269 --> 00:02:58,204
Put me next to a dozen eggs.
They hatching. You know why?

67
00:02:58,239 --> 00:02:59,973
'Cause I got the heat of a mother hen.

68
00:03:00,007 --> 00:03:01,841
There was no sexual tension
in here before he got here.

69
00:03:01,876 --> 00:03:02,942
Keep telling yourself that, Nick.

70
00:03:04,278 --> 00:03:05,979
Congrats, chaperones!

71
00:03:06,013 --> 00:03:07,380
With your help, tonight
is going to be...

72
00:03:07,414 --> 00:03:08,648
unforgettable.

73
00:03:08,682 --> 00:03:10,016
I didn't sign up for this.

74
00:03:10,050 --> 00:03:11,918
No, you didn't. None of you did.

75
00:03:11,952 --> 00:03:13,586
In fact, none of you have ever, ever

76
00:03:13,621 --> 00:03:15,822
signed up for any school event, ever.

77
00:03:15,856 --> 00:03:18,358
Which means you've never felt the joy

78
00:03:18,392 --> 00:03:19,759
of exchanging your free time

79
00:03:19,793 --> 00:03:21,427
for a child's smile.

80
00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:23,897
I never volunteer because
of my Munchausen syndrome.

81
00:03:23,931 --> 00:03:24,864
Are we getting paid?

82
00:03:24,899 --> 00:03:26,266
You will get paid, um, actually,

83
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:29,169
in attractive hats that I made.

84
00:03:29,203 --> 00:03:31,204
They say "chaperone."

85
00:03:31,238 --> 00:03:32,272
(chuckles)

86
00:03:32,306 --> 00:03:33,373
And Gary the Janitor has one

87
00:03:33,407 --> 00:03:34,507
that says "clean up crew."

88
00:03:34,542 --> 00:03:36,176
You call me Gary the Janitor

89
00:03:36,210 --> 00:03:38,077
as if me being a janitor

90
00:03:38,112 --> 00:03:39,345
is my whole identity.

91
00:03:39,380 --> 00:03:40,914
It's like someone calling you

92
00:03:40,948 --> 00:03:43,416
Jess the Third-Hottest White Teacher.

93
00:03:43,450 --> 00:03:44,417
Okay.

94
00:03:44,451 --> 00:03:45,418
Are we done?

95
00:03:45,452 --> 00:03:46,419
I'm gonna say we're done.

96
00:03:46,453 --> 00:03:47,887
Yeah. Okay.

97
00:03:47,922 --> 00:03:49,589
(bell ringing) Thank-thanks,
guys. Good-good meeting.

98
00:03:49,623 --> 00:03:51,858
BIOLOGY TEACHER: I don't know
where I'm supposed to be right now.

99
00:03:51,892 --> 00:03:53,226
Thanks, guys.

100
00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:55,195
It's gonna be great!

101
00:03:55,229 --> 00:03:57,263
You don't have to wear that, Coach.

102
00:03:57,298 --> 00:03:58,531
As far as I'm concerned,

103
00:03:58,566 --> 00:03:59,766
this dance starts now.

104
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,734
I know how important
this dance is to you.

105
00:04:01,769 --> 00:04:03,493
Those kids won't get away with anything.

106
00:04:03,671 --> 00:04:06,408
They want to bang, they're gonna
have to bang through me.

107
00:04:06,442 --> 00:04:07,442
Wait.

108
00:04:08,311 --> 00:04:09,778
If they want to bang,

109
00:04:09,812 --> 00:04:11,747
they're gonna have to bang through me!

110
00:04:11,781 --> 00:04:13,115
Wait.

111
00:04:14,150 --> 00:04:15,584
Hey, Wendy.

112
00:04:16,786 --> 00:04:18,120
Whoa!

113
00:04:18,154 --> 00:04:20,822
That shirt's scary! Whoa.

114
00:04:23,459 --> 00:04:24,659
You going to the dance tonight?

115
00:04:24,694 --> 00:04:25,894
My mom's making me go.

116
00:04:25,928 --> 00:04:27,129
Making you go

117
00:04:27,163 --> 00:04:28,730
to the best night of your life?

118
00:04:28,765 --> 00:04:30,465
Your mom sounds really cool.

119
00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:33,702
Come one, at your age, love
is forever and ever and ever.

120
00:04:33,736 --> 00:04:35,070
(laughs softly)

121
00:04:35,104 --> 00:04:36,304
What are you gonna wear?

122
00:04:36,339 --> 00:04:37,339
This shirt.

123
00:04:37,373 --> 00:04:38,440
Oh.

124
00:04:38,474 --> 00:04:39,675
Oh!

125
00:04:39,709 --> 00:04:41,076
That is

126
00:04:41,110 --> 00:04:43,545
the best idea I've heard all week.

127
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:46,915
Whoa! Scary shirt!

128
00:04:46,949 --> 00:04:48,316
We all think that you're an idiot

129
00:04:48,351 --> 00:04:49,584
for dating this 14-year-old.

130
00:04:49,619 --> 00:04:50,819
- (laughs)
- He's 20.

131
00:04:50,853 --> 00:04:52,087
That means he was seven

132
00:04:52,121 --> 00:04:53,455
<i>when Good Will Hunting came out.</i>

133
00:04:53,489 --> 00:04:55,123
<i>Seven, Cece.
Good Will Hunting.</i>

134
00:04:55,158 --> 00:04:56,792
You know what? Let me go,
let me go, let me go.

135
00:04:56,826 --> 00:04:58,694
Um, check this out.
Cece's boyfriend

136
00:04:58,728 --> 00:05:02,364
is so young that...

137
00:05:02,398 --> 00:05:04,466
(laughing): It'll come back to me.

138
00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:06,134
Buster is more of a man than all of you.

139
00:05:06,169 --> 00:05:08,203
Okay? He's been to, like, 40 countries,

140
00:05:08,237 --> 00:05:09,638
he builds boats,

141
00:05:09,672 --> 00:05:11,178
he used to train snakes with his uncle.

142
00:05:11,208 --> 00:05:12,771
Earning a respectable wage,

143
00:05:12,874 --> 00:05:15,109
wearing a proper-hanging
pair of slacks,

144
00:05:15,143 --> 00:05:17,611
ordering sushi like a sick-ass boss...

145
00:05:17,646 --> 00:05:20,965
- These things a man maketh.
- So stupid stuff that you do.

146
00:05:21,149 --> 00:05:22,901
I know that technically
you guys are men,

147
00:05:22,941 --> 00:05:26,333
but all you do is hang out
with each other, like you're 12.

148
00:05:26,501 --> 00:05:27,821
What do you know?
You're just a stupid girl.

149
00:05:27,856 --> 00:05:29,657
(laughter)
WINSTON: Okay, I got it, I got it.

150
00:05:29,691 --> 00:05:32,726
Okay, Cece's boyfriend
is so young that...

151
00:05:32,761 --> 00:05:35,229
- How-how young is he?
- Winston.

152
00:05:35,263 --> 00:05:37,498
It's not working, man.
I'm serious.

153
00:05:37,532 --> 00:05:40,167
- I'm at my wit's end with you.
- What?

154
00:05:40,201 --> 00:05:41,635
Wait a minute.

155
00:05:41,670 --> 00:05:43,370
Why's the door locked?

156
00:05:43,405 --> 00:05:45,139
The dance starts in five minutes.

157
00:05:45,173 --> 00:05:47,074
ROSE: Okay.
JESS: Gary!

158
00:05:47,108 --> 00:05:48,976
Thank God you're here.
Can you unlock the door?

159
00:05:49,010 --> 00:05:50,811
No. I didn't put that there.

160
00:05:50,845 --> 00:05:51,979
What?

161
00:05:52,013 --> 00:05:53,314
Who else could have done it?

162
00:05:53,348 --> 00:05:54,548
We can't start the dance

163
00:05:54,582 --> 00:05:55,916
if the door's locked.

164
00:05:55,951 --> 00:05:57,751
Don't tell me I wore my raw denim

165
00:05:57,786 --> 00:06:00,521
for no reason.
Don't you dare tell me that!

166
00:06:00,555 --> 00:06:01,522
I am not telling you that.

167
00:06:01,556 --> 00:06:03,023
So the dance is cancelled, then?

168
00:06:03,058 --> 00:06:04,224
No, no, no. There is gonna be a dance.

169
00:06:04,259 --> 00:06:05,225
It's gonna be great and perfect

170
00:06:05,260 --> 00:06:06,527
and lovely and it will celebrate

171
00:06:06,561 --> 00:06:07,995
love is forever and ever and ever.

172
00:06:08,029 --> 00:06:09,096
Where are you guys going?

173
00:06:09,130 --> 00:06:11,031
In life, nowhere.

174
00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:13,200
But I know I don't want to be here.

175
00:06:13,234 --> 00:06:16,070
Guys, please stay. It would
really mean a lot to me.

176
00:06:16,104 --> 00:06:17,271
Boring.

177
00:06:18,607 --> 00:06:20,774
It's Jess. All of her
chaperones just bailed,

178
00:06:20,809 --> 00:06:22,242
and she needs help.

179
00:06:22,277 --> 00:06:23,344
A lady needs help?

180
00:06:23,378 --> 00:06:25,412
Is that a job for a boy?

181
00:06:25,447 --> 00:06:26,413
- No.
- Or a...

182
00:06:26,448 --> 00:06:27,748
- Man!
- man?

183
00:06:27,782 --> 00:06:30,084
SCHMIDT/NICK/WINSTON: Men! Men! Men!

184
00:06:30,118 --> 00:06:33,020
Men! Men! Men! Men! Men!

185
00:06:33,054 --> 00:06:34,455
Well, the dummy patrol is ready.

186
00:06:34,489 --> 00:06:36,190
- Men! Men! Men!
- Aah!

187
00:06:36,224 --> 00:06:38,058
Men. Man!

188
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:40,394
- So stupid.
- Seriously, are you okay for real?

189
00:06:40,428 --> 00:06:42,696
- You got any ice?
- Dude, rub his shoulder. Rub his shoulder.

190
00:06:42,731 --> 00:06:44,698
- I'll get ice. I'll get ice.
- My shoulder go into his. You all right?

191
00:06:44,733 --> 00:06:46,734
- Ow, man!
- Okay, all right, just sit back.

192
00:06:46,768 --> 00:06:48,636
(loud groaning) Nick, get the ice!

193
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:54,420
- How do you know how to do that?
- Well, a tire iron is

194
00:06:54,454 --> 00:06:57,189
actually strong enough to break through
a high-carbon steel steering wheel lock,

195
00:06:57,224 --> 00:06:59,158
so, you know, I figured
I'd work with this.

196
00:06:59,192 --> 00:07:00,559
(quietly): Cece scares me sometimes.

197
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:02,161
It's just the tip
of the iceberg, my friend.

198
00:07:02,195 --> 00:07:07,045
- Got it. There we go.
- Oh! Yes!

199
00:07:07,079 --> 00:07:09,481
JESS: Everything's back on track, guys!

200
00:07:09,515 --> 00:07:11,483
This bike lock was a real punk move.

201
00:07:11,517 --> 00:07:14,252
Seems like there's a lot of
punks here. Did you do this?

202
00:07:14,286 --> 00:07:17,322
- Hey. You did this? Huh? You did this?
- COACH: Hey, easy, easy.

203
00:07:17,356 --> 00:07:19,057
If anyone's messing
with this dance, it's one

204
00:07:19,091 --> 00:07:21,426
of those teachers...
Those hats were begging for payback.

205
00:07:21,460 --> 00:07:22,393
- Let's do this.
- Hey.

206
00:07:22,428 --> 00:07:24,395
Listen up, chaperones.

207
00:07:24,430 --> 00:07:25,930
You will obey all of my instructions.

208
00:07:25,965 --> 00:07:27,932
This means everything to Jess.

209
00:07:27,967 --> 00:07:29,834
Your asses belong to me now.

210
00:07:29,869 --> 00:07:31,536
Which means I currently have

211
00:07:31,570 --> 00:07:33,037
four asses.

212
00:07:33,072 --> 00:07:35,607
The three of yours and mine.

213
00:07:35,641 --> 00:07:36,775
I think we're capable of handling

214
00:07:36,809 --> 00:07:38,777
a bunch of prepubescent kids.

215
00:07:38,811 --> 00:07:40,612
Do you think you are tough, Winston?

216
00:07:40,646 --> 00:07:41,613
You have no idea

217
00:07:41,647 --> 00:07:43,047
what these little bastards

218
00:07:43,082 --> 00:07:44,215
are capable of.

219
00:07:44,250 --> 00:07:45,383
I mean, I love them.

220
00:07:45,417 --> 00:07:46,918
I love them with all my heart.

221
00:07:47,406 --> 00:07:51,201
But they will hurt
your feelings sometimes.

222
00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:54,893
He's right. I remember sticks and
stones may break your bones,

223
00:07:54,927 --> 00:07:57,929
but not if you're a fat
kid with calcium deficiency.

224
00:07:57,963 --> 00:08:00,965
Schmidt, you're on snack table
duty. Keep the chip bowls full.

225
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,367
Don't let the kids spike the punch.

226
00:08:02,401 --> 00:08:03,601
And make sure Diabetic Amy

227
00:08:03,636 --> 00:08:05,637
only has four cookies.

228
00:08:05,671 --> 00:08:08,540
Diabetic Amy ain't gonna
get no cookies on my watch.

229
00:08:08,574 --> 00:08:10,775
No, she-she has to have
at least two or she'll pass out.

230
00:08:10,810 --> 00:08:12,444
She's getting nothing
as far as I'm concerned.

231
00:08:12,478 --> 00:08:14,612
At least two, at least two
or she'll pass out.

232
00:08:14,647 --> 00:08:17,148
- All right, Winston? Dance floor duty.
- Yes, sir.

233
00:08:17,183 --> 00:08:19,217
Ooh, you shouldn't have
said that, man, that is

234
00:08:19,251 --> 00:08:20,285
the perfect place for
me right now. I got

235
00:08:20,319 --> 00:08:21,653
- so much heat coming off me, man.
- No.

236
00:08:21,687 --> 00:08:23,488
No, no, no, no, no, no. No heat.

237
00:08:23,522 --> 00:08:24,923
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- No heat. Hey, hey, hey.

238
00:08:24,957 --> 00:08:26,991
None. Hey, look at me. No heat.

239
00:08:27,026 --> 00:08:29,928
The opposite of heat. Six inches
separation at all times.

240
00:08:29,962 --> 00:08:32,130
Nobody's getting pregnant tonight.

241
00:08:32,164 --> 00:08:34,232
That's the same thing I say on my dates.

242
00:08:34,266 --> 00:08:36,801
(whoops) Not cool.

243
00:08:38,103 --> 00:08:40,138
- Let's hit it.
- Hey, hey.

244
00:08:40,172 --> 00:08:41,840
Saving the best for last?

245
00:08:41,874 --> 00:08:43,341
Oh, I'm sorry, Nick, uh,

246
00:08:43,375 --> 00:08:44,809
you're not chaperone material.

247
00:08:44,844 --> 00:08:46,945
I've been at this job
for a few weeks now

248
00:08:46,979 --> 00:08:48,847
and I know the stink of a bad kid.

249
00:08:48,881 --> 00:08:51,803
That makes me the perfect
candidate to be a chaperone, Coach.

250
00:08:51,843 --> 00:08:52,951
Just think about it.

251
00:08:52,985 --> 00:08:55,653
I can get in the mind of a bad kid.

252
00:08:55,655 --> 00:08:58,256
Think like 'em, go deep.
I can go too deep.

253
00:08:58,290 --> 00:09:00,592
I'm gonna put you in the parking lot
to sweep for stragglers.

254
00:09:00,626 --> 00:09:02,694
- You want me on the streets.
- It's not that important of a job.

255
00:09:04,663 --> 00:09:06,664
I won't let you down.

256
00:09:06,699 --> 00:09:08,700
I'm not gonna let you down!

257
00:09:11,370 --> 00:09:13,705
You taking a... a break right now?

258
00:09:15,441 --> 00:09:18,042
♪ The fall, you gave me nothing at all ♪

259
00:09:18,077 --> 00:09:20,178
♪ But still you're in my way ♪

260
00:09:20,212 --> 00:09:22,046
♪ I beg and borrow and steal ♪

261
00:09:22,081 --> 00:09:23,782
♪ At first sight and it's real ♪

262
00:09:23,816 --> 00:09:25,784
♪ I didn't know I would feel it ♪

263
00:09:25,818 --> 00:09:27,318
When the heat moves
you, you got to move...

264
00:09:27,353 --> 00:09:28,820
Okay, no heat. No heat.

265
00:09:28,854 --> 00:09:30,722
No heat, Bishop, no heat.

266
00:09:30,756 --> 00:09:32,223
Keep that heat locked up. (chuckles)

267
00:09:32,258 --> 00:09:34,159
Keep that heat...

268
00:09:34,193 --> 00:09:36,494
Think you're going, baby

269
00:09:36,529 --> 00:09:38,663
I, this is... (mumbles)

270
00:09:38,697 --> 00:09:39,998
Crazy.

271
00:09:40,032 --> 00:09:41,633
Put that heat away, Bishop.

272
00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:44,068
Huh? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You got that, man.

273
00:09:44,103 --> 00:09:45,370
You got...

274
00:09:46,772 --> 00:09:48,239
What are you looking at?

275
00:09:48,274 --> 00:09:50,742
Cool mustache.

276
00:09:50,776 --> 00:09:51,976
(short laugh)

277
00:09:52,011 --> 00:09:54,212
Too much heat. (laughs)

278
00:09:54,246 --> 00:09:56,247
Too much heat.

279
00:09:56,282 --> 00:09:58,349
All right, kids, let's
use the serving tongs.

280
00:09:58,384 --> 00:09:59,918
This isn't Appalachia.

281
00:09:59,952 --> 00:10:02,954
Hurry up, everybody,
before Justin eats everything.

282
00:10:05,191 --> 00:10:06,691
Son, I...

283
00:10:06,725 --> 00:10:07,759
don't think you meant to hurt

284
00:10:07,793 --> 00:10:09,494
Justin's feelings, there.

285
00:10:09,528 --> 00:10:11,830
What's going on, really?

286
00:10:11,864 --> 00:10:13,731
- Are the parents fighting at home?
- (scoffs)

287
00:10:13,766 --> 00:10:14,933
Leave me alone, flamer.

288
00:10:14,967 --> 00:10:17,068
Flamer?

289
00:10:17,103 --> 00:10:18,570
You're the... You're the flamer, pal.

290
00:10:18,604 --> 00:10:20,705
- You're the flamer.
- You're the flamer.

291
00:10:20,739 --> 00:10:22,507
- Flamer.
- Stop saying that word, it's probably

292
00:10:22,541 --> 00:10:24,242
- offensive to some people, you flamer.
- Flamer, flamer.

293
00:10:24,276 --> 00:10:26,111
- Yeah, take a doughnut, there, you flamer.
- Flamer.

294
00:10:26,145 --> 00:10:28,613
Schmidt. I got a bit
of a situation here.

295
00:10:28,647 --> 00:10:31,349
Um, thoughts? Advice?

296
00:10:31,383 --> 00:10:32,684
JESS: What now?

297
00:10:32,718 --> 00:10:36,287
Aw, son of a b... penis.

298
00:10:36,322 --> 00:10:38,123
Ah, that wasn't better.

299
00:10:38,157 --> 00:10:39,891
Sorry, everyone.

300
00:10:39,925 --> 00:10:41,593
You were right.

301
00:10:41,627 --> 00:10:44,095
Someone's trying to mess with my dance.

302
00:10:44,130 --> 00:10:46,397
Hmm. (sniffs) It's paste.

303
00:10:46,432 --> 00:10:47,766
And it's fresh.

304
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,936
(humming a tune)

305
00:10:51,971 --> 00:10:54,839
♪ Banana in the dark. ♪

306
00:10:57,510 --> 00:10:59,577
Uh-oh.

307
00:10:59,612 --> 00:11:02,039
You ruined my dance.
I can smell the paste.

308
00:11:02,648 --> 00:11:03,844
Perpetrator!

309
00:11:06,899 --> 00:11:08,300
(whispering): He's in there.

310
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:10,302
Okay, when we get in there,

311
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,604
I'm going to be good cop,
you be bad cop, okay?

312
00:11:12,638 --> 00:11:15,540
Got it.

313
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:16,908
There are two ways this can go.

314
00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,310
Number one:

315
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,645
you tell us why you ruined the dance.

316
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:25,083
Number two: I bash
your skull in with a carburetor!

317
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,384
(whimpers)

318
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,587
- I thought I was bad cop.
- You are the bad cop.

319
00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:31,723
I'm the tough, competent cop,
who's good at her job,

320
00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:33,959
you're the kind of fumbly, dumb cop

321
00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:36,566
- who's nice and...
- Yeah, that's not how it works, though.

322
00:11:36,716 --> 00:11:38,594
I mean, the good cop is nice
and the bad cop is mean.

323
00:11:38,644 --> 00:11:39,998
- That would be nice cop, mean cop.
- It's how it works

324
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:42,934
- on every cop show, when you watch it.
- I watch cop shows.

325
00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:44,669
- You need to pay more attention.
- I do pay attention...

326
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:48,440
- What do you awful women want?
- We want to know...

327
00:11:48,474 --> 00:11:52,244
why you locked the door and
poured glue in the breaker.

328
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:53,779
I didn't do any of that.

329
00:11:53,813 --> 00:11:56,481
Why would anybody

330
00:11:56,516 --> 00:11:58,517
want to ruin such a magical night?

331
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:02,054
Uh, you're the only one who
wanted to have this stupid dance.

332
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:03,555
Revenge would be my guess.

333
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,191
What do you know?

334
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:08,960
Well, you have the grip
of a much taller woman.

335
00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:12,197
(whispers): And I don't not like that.

336
00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:13,498
Ugh.

337
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,269
(whistles)

338
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:18,370
...some fireworks or something.

339
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:21,807
What's up, gentlemen?

340
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:23,708
Just hanging out outside
in the parking lot?

341
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,710
We're not doing anything.
We don't need a chaperone.

342
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:28,346
(laughs) Calling me a 'rone?

343
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:32,184
I'm not a 'rone. I'm
basically the same guy as you.

344
00:12:32,218 --> 00:12:34,319
We're wearing the same shirt.

345
00:12:34,353 --> 00:12:37,389
I'm a good guy, I'm
having fun. I'm just...

346
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,291
I'm bored in there,
I'm looking to hang out.

347
00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:41,093
Is that a crime, officers?

348
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:43,962
Say, you guys got any Billy Whizz?

349
00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:46,865
Any juice, any sweet
Mary Jane? I'm looking.

350
00:12:46,899 --> 00:12:49,034
Okay, if you're really
not a chaperone...

351
00:12:49,068 --> 00:12:51,136
why don't you take a sip of this?

352
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:54,039
Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
I got nothing to prove.

353
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:55,240
Are you a 'rone or not?

354
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:57,542
Give me that.

355
00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:04,349
(both chuckle)

356
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:11,056
What is that? Is that a suicide?

357
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:13,558
- The soda flavors all mix together.
- You know it, bro.

358
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:16,328
- That was super intense. (laughs)
- (laughs)

359
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:18,063
Sorry, I spit some of it up.

360
00:13:18,097 --> 00:13:19,531
He's cool.

361
00:13:19,565 --> 00:13:21,566
(laughing)

362
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:28,040
Hey, buddy, uh,

363
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:31,109
Tommy, is it? I just...
I just wanted to apologize

364
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,778
for what happened before, kiddo.

365
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,846
What, are you gonna propose to me, now?

366
00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:35,881
(boys laugh)

367
00:13:35,915 --> 00:13:38,450
(laughs)

368
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,385
That's funny. No, I... I
get it. You know, when I...

369
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:43,455
when I was young, I too found
that humor can be a useful tool.

370
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,090
Dude, get up, I'm not gonna marry you.

371
00:13:45,124 --> 00:13:47,359
(short laugh)

372
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:49,394
I, too, found that humor can be a...

373
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:50,729
(clears throat) ...a useful tool.

374
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,798
And then you grow up
and you become a man.

375
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,866
Well, you smell like a woman.

376
00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:56,635
That's it, enough is enough with you.

377
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,970
You think you're a tough guy, tough guy?

378
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,572
Prove it, man.

379
00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:02,040
Name the time and place.

380
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:04,242
15 minutes. Parking lot.

381
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:05,711
- Fist fight?
- Foot race.

382
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,546
- A what?
- Yeah,

383
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,414
you heard me...
foot race, man.

384
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:12,350
I'll run circles around
you and all your pals.

385
00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:20,058
Oh. You girls are
multiplying like bunnies.

386
00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:21,860
(chuckles) That's weird.

387
00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:24,396
Lot more of you than there is of me.

388
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:28,033
- (giggles)
- (giggling continues)

389
00:14:30,269 --> 00:14:31,737
We should lock all the doors.

390
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:33,672
No one gets in, no one gets out.

391
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,774
<i>The culprit's inside.
It's frickin' Gosford Park!</i>

392
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,642
You need to just calm
down a little, Jess.

393
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:40,979
I can't calm down!
I want this to be perfect.

394
00:14:41,013 --> 00:14:42,948
I know, but it's too
late for that, okay?

395
00:14:42,982 --> 00:14:44,583
There are kids doing
their homework in there.

396
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:45,851
It's bleak.

397
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,285
I know after what happened with Nick

398
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,921
you wanted this to go great, but

399
00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:52,591
it's not your fault that the
dance got messed up, all right?

400
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,866
You'll get 'em next time.

401
00:14:54,900 --> 00:14:56,434
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

402
00:14:56,468 --> 00:14:58,136
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

403
00:14:58,170 --> 00:15:01,873
Oh, that was a sugar rush, man.
That's a buzz in the brain!

404
00:15:03,141 --> 00:15:06,010
- Ooh, ooh!
- (laughs)

405
00:15:06,044 --> 00:15:08,379
You guys see how high I just got?

406
00:15:08,413 --> 00:15:10,181
(laughter)

407
00:15:10,215 --> 00:15:11,649
(groans)

408
00:15:12,885 --> 00:15:14,385
I'm good.

409
00:15:14,419 --> 00:15:15,887
He ain't a 'rone. Too dumb.

410
00:15:15,921 --> 00:15:17,989
Aw, this is fun, man! I miss this!

411
00:15:18,023 --> 00:15:19,557
I really do, man. Let's keep going.

412
00:15:19,591 --> 00:15:21,526
Let's get burgers. Meet some girls.

413
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:23,394
Different ages, man. It's so early!

414
00:15:23,428 --> 00:15:26,531
Hey, we got something to show you.

415
00:15:26,565 --> 00:15:29,534
(sighs)

416
00:15:29,568 --> 00:15:31,836
Look, guys, we had a lot of fun, but...

417
00:15:31,870 --> 00:15:35,473
we can get in a lot of
trouble for doing this.

418
00:15:35,507 --> 00:15:39,544
Which is why you gotta run
really fast when it goes off.

419
00:15:39,578 --> 00:15:40,311
Like now!

420
00:15:40,345 --> 00:15:42,046
- Oh, dude!
- Go! I mean it! Go!

421
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,149
(laughing)

422
00:15:45,184 --> 00:15:46,884
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah!

423
00:15:46,919 --> 00:15:48,519
Yeah!

424
00:15:48,554 --> 00:15:50,555
What are we gonna do now?

425
00:15:52,291 --> 00:15:53,291
NICK: Let's ride.

426
00:15:53,325 --> 00:15:54,392
BOY: Oh, hell yeah!

427
00:15:56,228 --> 00:15:57,595
(gasps)

428
00:15:57,629 --> 00:15:58,663
Wendy?

429
00:15:58,697 --> 00:16:01,065
(groans) Busted.

430
00:16:07,728 --> 00:16:09,095
Well, you really did
come prepared, Wendy.

431
00:16:09,129 --> 00:16:10,830
A wrench...

432
00:16:10,864 --> 00:16:14,100
some glue...

433
00:16:14,134 --> 00:16:16,502
a box of tampons?

434
00:16:16,537 --> 00:16:18,104
What were you gonna do with this?

435
00:16:18,138 --> 00:16:19,138
Um...

436
00:16:19,173 --> 00:16:21,507
Oh. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

437
00:16:22,977 --> 00:16:25,345
So you really didn't
want the dance to happen?

438
00:16:25,379 --> 00:16:27,347
None of the boys want to dance with me.

439
00:16:27,381 --> 00:16:28,648
Jess?

440
00:16:28,682 --> 00:16:29,616
Hey, Cece.

441
00:16:29,650 --> 00:16:31,284
Hey. This is Wendy.

442
00:16:31,318 --> 00:16:32,619
She was just telling
me how she doesn't like

443
00:16:32,653 --> 00:16:33,853
to dance with boys.

444
00:16:33,887 --> 00:16:34,954
(mouthing)

445
00:16:34,989 --> 00:16:38,291
Oh. (clears throat)

446
00:16:38,325 --> 00:16:42,295
Yeah. Well... that makes sense

447
00:16:42,329 --> 00:16:44,464
because boys are the dumbest.

448
00:16:44,498 --> 00:16:45,665
You're just saying that.

449
00:16:45,699 --> 00:16:46,966
No. No, no. No.

450
00:16:47,001 --> 00:16:49,369
Cece and I have met so many boys,

451
00:16:49,403 --> 00:16:50,870
and they are all so dumb.

452
00:16:50,905 --> 00:16:53,206
Yeah, and I've met more than her, so...

453
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:55,975
Yeah, and Cece has met more
than me because she is...

454
00:16:56,010 --> 00:16:57,810
nicer than me.

455
00:16:57,845 --> 00:17:00,146
- Nicer?
- I just mean you've met...

456
00:17:00,180 --> 00:17:01,848
'cause you're well-traveled.

457
00:17:01,882 --> 00:17:04,484
- "Well-traveled" is how we're gonna say it?
- I mean...

458
00:17:04,518 --> 00:17:06,152
- You better tread lightly.
- I will... Travel...

459
00:17:06,186 --> 00:17:07,387
You travel a lot.

460
00:17:07,421 --> 00:17:09,656
Mm-hmm.

461
00:17:09,690 --> 00:17:11,891
I don't think I'm ever
gonna dance with a boy.

462
00:17:11,926 --> 00:17:14,727
Listen, are boys dumb?

463
00:17:14,762 --> 00:17:18,064
Yes. Yes!

464
00:17:18,098 --> 00:17:21,901
Do they do disappointing,
stupid, stupid things

465
00:17:21,936 --> 00:17:26,406
that really...
hurt your feelings? Yes.

466
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,375
Sometimes things don't work
out the way you plan them...

467
00:17:29,410 --> 00:17:32,245
actually, they never work
out the way you plan them...

468
00:17:32,279 --> 00:17:36,015
but, in the end, it's all worth it,

469
00:17:36,050 --> 00:17:39,619
and that's why you have to try.

470
00:17:42,957 --> 00:17:44,657
Are you talking about sex or dancing?

471
00:17:44,692 --> 00:17:46,659
- Dancing.
- Dancing. Oh, God. Dancing, dancing.

472
00:17:46,694 --> 00:17:48,161
- We're talking about dancing.
- Upright dancing.

473
00:17:48,195 --> 00:17:50,396
Okay. I'll try.

474
00:17:50,431 --> 00:17:51,831
So let's get back out there.

475
00:17:51,865 --> 00:17:53,199
Oh, Cece, it's okay.

476
00:17:53,234 --> 00:17:55,001
There's no light, no music.

477
00:17:55,035 --> 00:17:56,269
The dance is over.

478
00:17:56,303 --> 00:17:57,937
Oh, no, this dance is not over.

479
00:17:57,972 --> 00:18:01,975
We just need to find some stupid boys.

480
00:18:03,277 --> 00:18:04,844
You look so slow.

481
00:18:04,879 --> 00:18:05,945
Like a s... like a s...

482
00:18:05,980 --> 00:18:08,381
super... dumb, slow turtle.

483
00:18:08,415 --> 00:18:10,416
- I'm so fast, and you're so old.
- So much like a...

484
00:18:10,451 --> 00:18:12,552
like a turtle, it's crazy to me.

485
00:18:12,586 --> 00:18:13,753
Are we gonna do this or what?

486
00:18:13,787 --> 00:18:14,854
Oh, yeah, we're gonna do this.

487
00:18:14,889 --> 00:18:16,923
I'm like a Hebrew cheetah.

488
00:18:16,957 --> 00:18:18,858
On the count of three.

489
00:18:18,893 --> 00:18:20,293
One...

490
00:18:20,327 --> 00:18:21,561
two...

491
00:18:21,595 --> 00:18:23,663
thr... Flo-Jo!

492
00:18:23,697 --> 00:18:25,698
(Winston whimpering)

493
00:18:25,733 --> 00:18:29,102
(girls screaming)

494
00:18:29,136 --> 00:18:31,538
Flo-Jo! (girls screaming)

495
00:18:31,572 --> 00:18:34,307
(indistinct screaming, shouting)

496
00:18:34,341 --> 00:18:36,075
What are you doing?

497
00:18:36,110 --> 00:18:37,343
(shouting, screaming continues)

498
00:18:40,648 --> 00:18:41,948
(shouting, screaming continues)

499
00:18:45,753 --> 00:18:47,153
(blowing whistle)
(screaming stops)

500
00:18:47,187 --> 00:18:48,521
Hello?!

501
00:18:48,523 --> 00:18:50,423
(screaming)

502
00:18:50,457 --> 00:18:52,725
Yeah! Yeah!

503
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:54,727
(grunts) Man! (laughing)

504
00:18:54,762 --> 00:18:57,430
- What is your problem, man?!
- I wasn't driving!

505
00:18:57,464 --> 00:18:59,299
(indistinct arguing)

506
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:01,134
Are you kidding me?!

507
00:19:02,036 --> 00:19:03,102
(blows whistle)

508
00:19:03,137 --> 00:19:05,471
All students inside now!

509
00:19:05,506 --> 00:19:07,440
Go, go, go, go, go, go.

510
00:19:07,474 --> 00:19:08,474
You three

511
00:19:08,509 --> 00:19:09,809
are the worst

512
00:19:09,843 --> 00:19:12,745
chaperones possible on earth.

513
00:19:12,780 --> 00:19:14,147
A dog would be better than you.

514
00:19:14,181 --> 00:19:16,282
A plant wearing underwear

515
00:19:16,317 --> 00:19:17,817
would be better than you.

516
00:19:17,851 --> 00:19:21,521
Ray Charles' ghost
would be better than you!

517
00:19:21,555 --> 00:19:23,489
Wh...

518
00:19:23,524 --> 00:19:24,891
what kind of men are you?

519
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,360
(door opens) JESS: Hey!

520
00:19:28,062 --> 00:19:29,729
Stupid boys!

521
00:19:30,798 --> 00:19:32,799
We need ya.

522
00:19:32,833 --> 00:19:35,168
Who's ready to have a good time?

523
00:19:35,202 --> 00:19:37,370
The lights went out, and
you made your own light.

524
00:19:37,404 --> 00:19:41,140
(cheering) The music went out,
and we're gonna make our own music.

525
00:19:41,175 --> 00:19:43,042
(cheering) We have

526
00:19:43,077 --> 00:19:45,478
a very special guest for you
tonight. Please give a big

527
00:19:45,513 --> 00:19:47,480
Coolidge Middle School welcome

528
00:19:47,515 --> 00:19:50,350
to the Dumbest Boys in School!

529
00:19:50,384 --> 00:19:52,118
(cheering)

530
00:19:52,152 --> 00:19:54,287
I ought we were going
with Sweet Surrender.

531
00:19:54,321 --> 00:19:55,622
This won't be good.

532
00:19:55,656 --> 00:19:57,056
(girls screaming)

533
00:19:57,091 --> 00:19:58,291
Calm down, girls. Don't get crazy.

534
00:19:58,325 --> 00:20:00,159
Just calm down.

535
00:20:00,194 --> 00:20:02,128
CECE: Okay, Coolidge, get
ready to hit the dance floor

536
00:20:02,162 --> 00:20:05,532
in three, two, one!

537
00:20:05,566 --> 00:20:08,234
(whoops) Aw, yeah. All right.

538
00:20:08,269 --> 00:20:11,304
(beatboxing)

539
00:20:11,338 --> 00:20:14,073
<i>Rap battle. 8 Mile.</i>

540
00:20:14,108 --> 00:20:15,742
This one goes out to
your vice principal,

541
00:20:15,776 --> 00:20:17,744
my friend, Jessica Day.

542
00:20:17,778 --> 00:20:19,746
♪ I don't wear indigo,
I don't wear teal ♪

543
00:20:19,780 --> 00:20:21,748
♪ You better look out,
you know that's right ♪

544
00:20:21,782 --> 00:20:24,384
♪ That's right 'cause...
'cause Schmidt is for real, mmm ♪

545
00:20:24,418 --> 00:20:26,185
♪ I take that back, actually ♪

546
00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,154
♪ I do wear teal sometimes ♪

547
00:20:28,188 --> 00:20:30,056
When I say "sometimes,"

548
00:20:30,090 --> 00:20:32,091
you say "teal." Sometimes!

549
00:20:32,126 --> 00:20:33,193
- Teal!
- Sometimes!

550
00:20:33,227 --> 00:20:34,194
- Teal!
- Sometimes!

551
00:20:34,228 --> 00:20:35,595
- Teal!
- Mic drop.

552
00:20:35,629 --> 00:20:37,764
(cheering)

553
00:20:37,798 --> 00:20:40,233
What's up, what's up,
what's up? (cheering)

554
00:20:40,267 --> 00:20:42,001
Anybody here from Chicago?
Chicago, Illinois?

555
00:20:42,036 --> 00:20:43,736
City of Big Shoulders, Big Dreams!

556
00:20:43,771 --> 00:20:46,139
That would make sense. You guys go

557
00:20:46,173 --> 00:20:48,875
to school here. You're just
kids, so you're all from here.

558
00:20:49,443 --> 00:20:50,877
- Somebody else, go.
- That was it?

559
00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:52,098
Yeah.

560
00:20:52,133 --> 00:20:53,780
(screaming)

561
00:20:53,814 --> 00:20:55,949
♪ Gonna be a cop,
straight walking a beat ♪

562
00:20:55,983 --> 00:20:57,951
♪ Role model, out on the street ♪

563
00:20:57,985 --> 00:21:00,653
♪ Unless I get assigned to
a desk, which is also vital ♪

564
00:21:00,688 --> 00:21:02,956
♪ Because when paperwork slides,
that's how you get a mistrial ♪

565
00:21:02,990 --> 00:21:04,924
When I say "miss," you say "trial."

566
00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:06,826
- Miss.
- Trial.

567
00:21:06,861 --> 00:21:08,361
I said, when I say
"miss," you say "trial."

568
00:21:08,395 --> 00:21:09,996
Miss, unless you trying to die.

569
00:21:10,030 --> 00:21:12,165
NICK: What, are you nuts?
Then know who you are.

570
00:21:12,199 --> 00:21:14,634
- A whole carton of dumbasses.
- Ruin them khakis you got on.

571
00:21:14,668 --> 00:21:16,369
- Thank you all very much! Thank you!
- I'm just saying, they're wearing light...

572
00:21:16,403 --> 00:21:18,004
NICK: Hey, they're kids.

573
00:21:18,038 --> 00:21:19,505
Good idea, Todd.

574
00:21:19,540 --> 00:21:20,773
WINSTON: ...also got to die.

575
00:21:20,808 --> 00:21:22,242
NICK: Ow...!

576
00:21:22,276 --> 00:21:23,877
MICHAEL FRANTI:  One, two, one, two.

577
00:21:23,911 --> 00:21:25,444
<i>Here we go.</i>