1 00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:05,399 Guys, we're going on a cruise and you guys are coming with us. Ripped By mstoll 2 00:00:05,605 --> 00:00:07,368 - And none of you have a choice. - Ha-ha-ha. 3 00:00:07,574 --> 00:00:10,805 A cruise? If I wanted to watch a heavyset guy in sandals eating with his hands... 4 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:12,638 ...I'd watch Nick in the kitchen. 5 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:17,442 When we were together, we booked a cruise. We tried to get our money back... 6 00:00:17,650 --> 00:00:19,948 ...but it's non-refundable. - Non-refundable. Yeah. 7 00:00:20,153 --> 00:00:23,452 - They made that very clear. - Seemed like a safe bet at the time. 8 00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:28,251 I don't want a refund on my cruises and I don't want a refund on you. 9 00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:30,691 JESS: We're never gonna die. NICK: Yeah. 10 00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:32,557 - Y'all nasty. JESS: Aah! 11 00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:34,529 Aah! Yeah. 12 00:00:34,801 --> 00:00:36,428 - Where you going? - Yes. 13 00:00:36,636 --> 00:00:38,604 What are you doing now? Oh, there she... 14 00:00:38,938 --> 00:00:41,998 - Turns out, I do want a refund on you. - [MOUTHS] On me. 15 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:44,438 Give me my money back. 16 00:00:44,644 --> 00:00:47,909 Anyway, they let us downgrade our Lover's Suite... 17 00:00:48,148 --> 00:00:50,343 ...to include four more people, and that's you. 18 00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:53,383 I have concerns about going with two people that just broke up. 19 00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:55,952 - I have the exact same concern. - I don't wanna go. 20 00:00:56,156 --> 00:00:58,317 - I have strong qualms as well. - He got qualms. 21 00:00:58,525 --> 00:01:02,621 Put those qualms away. It's gonna be fine. We are killing this break up. Honestly. 22 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,729 We'll be on a ship in the middle of the ocean with no escape. 23 00:01:05,932 --> 00:01:08,628 What if you guys fight and we're stuck out there with you? 24 00:01:08,868 --> 00:01:13,828 - It'll be like a floating, all-you-can-eat prison. - I promise you, no weirdness. 25 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,975 That's an excuse to go out in my new bikini, which could be good. 26 00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:18,974 - I'm in. JESS: Full steam ahead. 27 00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:21,409 - We have two onboard. - No. 28 00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:24,440 Let's not do nautical puns, please. 29 00:01:24,651 --> 00:01:26,949 If we're gonna do nautical puns, we shouldn't go. 30 00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:29,747 - That's fair, and I won't. - I'm in too. 31 00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:35,394 I have an idea. Just throwing this out there. What if we do the cruise on the ground? 32 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,161 - Like, on land. - That's silly. 33 00:01:37,363 --> 00:01:40,230 - Are you scared of boats or something? - Me, afraid of boats? 34 00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:42,799 - You're afraid of boats, dude. - Hold on, hold on. 35 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:46,199 - You're scared of boats. - Is it the boats or the water? Can you swim? 36 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:47,565 - You feel safe now? - Yeah. 37 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:50,004 I don't need to be saved, man. I'm brave. 38 00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:52,871 I take dumps standing up. I'm a man. 39 00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:56,315 [SINGING] Who's that girl? 40 00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:58,484 CORUS: Who's that girl? - It's Jess 41 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:07,851 Schmidt, you got any fisherman's pants I can borrow? 42 00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:10,757 - What's that? - It's a class ring for Cece. 43 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,728 She got her GED and I've been tutoring her... 44 00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:15,423 ...so I had this made. 45 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:21,535 - What? - Shame, shame, I know your name 46 00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:23,709 Please don't "shame, shame" me, Winston. 47 00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:25,571 You still in love with her. 48 00:02:25,778 --> 00:02:28,906 - I am not still in love with her. - You're alone on a boat with Cece. 49 00:02:29,115 --> 00:02:32,642 Romantic cruise and you give herjewelry. 50 00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:35,150 - Then what? - Tell her I'm still in love with her... 51 00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:37,686 ...and we have sex till the boat sinks. - I knew it. 52 00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,654 - To the bottom of the ocean. - Bottom of the ocean. 53 00:02:39,859 --> 00:02:42,692 The sand, the mackerel, the chum, and whatever else is there. 54 00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:43,885 - Crabs. - Not the crabs. 55 00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:46,657 - You don't want that. - Don't tell anyone. 56 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:49,727 I'm serious, Winston. Do not tell anyone. 57 00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:51,665 What are you doing? 58 00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:58,907 You are so weird. Can you everjust leave the room like a normal person? 59 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:02,980 ALL: [CHANTING] Cruise, cruise, cruise. - Yeah. 60 00:03:05,418 --> 00:03:06,407 A little tight. 61 00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:10,385 With the amount of stuff we're gonna be doing, we're barely gonna be in the room. 62 00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:14,185 JESS & NICK [CHANTING]: Cruise, cruise, cruise. 63 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,852 Welcome aboard The Wave Dancer. 64 00:03:17,063 --> 00:03:19,224 Your home for the next five days. 65 00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:21,662 I'm your captain, Jan Nortis. 66 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:25,201 And I invite you to dance on the waves with me. 67 00:03:25,805 --> 00:03:27,830 - Yeah. JESS [CHANTING]: Cruise, cruise, cruise. 68 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:31,636 - Cruise, cruise, cruise. - I'm gonna get drunk. 69 00:03:31,844 --> 00:03:34,836 - Sorry. - Enthusiasm. I like these people. 70 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:38,245 Friendship is the most crucial ingredient to any sea adventure... 71 00:03:38,451 --> 00:03:40,817 ...second only to buoyancy. 72 00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:44,687 Because the ship has to float. 73 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,756 JESS: Ha-ha-ha - Oh, okay. 74 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,259 - I didn't know where you was going with it. - We love you, captain. 75 00:03:50,463 --> 00:03:51,691 Everybody, my name is Doug. 76 00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,832 - Hi, Doug. - I'm Winston. 77 00:03:54,033 --> 00:03:56,934 Does anyone know what to do in case of an emergency? 78 00:03:57,203 --> 00:04:00,604 Uh-oh. It looks like we're all in the same boat. 79 00:04:01,708 --> 00:04:05,075 Excuse me, if we could continue on without nautical puns, that'd be great. 80 00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:09,339 - Feels like that's the lowest form of humor. - Looks like I found a Grumpy Gus. 81 00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:12,677 - I'm sorry, a what? - Boo and hiss. 82 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:17,515 Folks, if you see Gus frowning around brighten his day by giving him a tickle. 83 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,019 - A what? - A tickle. 84 00:04:19,225 --> 00:04:20,214 - Tickle. - Enough. 85 00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:23,224 I don't like to be tickled, you guys. All right. Enough. 86 00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:26,398 We have fun, but the ocean does not. 87 00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:28,533 - What? - Listen to what I have to say... 88 00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:30,202 ...if you don't want to die. 89 00:04:30,403 --> 00:04:34,567 Don't worry. Everyone who works on a cruise ship is a performer. They're just doing a show. 90 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:37,572 - What are talk to me about it for? - I thought you should know. 91 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:39,210 - You're scared. - I'm not scared. 92 00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:41,744 - What are you talking about? - Of course. It's okay. 93 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,939 I need a volunteer to help with emergency... 94 00:04:44,150 --> 00:04:46,618 I'll do it. I don't care. Because I'm not scared. 95 00:04:46,819 --> 00:04:51,017 - I'll volunteer my ass off. - All right. All right. 96 00:04:51,658 --> 00:04:53,353 I ain't afraid of you. 97 00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:56,718 - Let's say it's 3 a.m. - Three a.m. 98 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,692 - There's alarms going off... - What? 99 00:04:58,898 --> 00:05:00,866 ...freezing sea water up to your ankles. 100 00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,035 Adults are screaming, babies are crying. 101 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:06,865 Go, go, go. You're up on deck. There's an Italian guy strapping chairs together. 102 00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:08,973 - You don't know what's going on. - I don't. 103 00:05:09,175 --> 00:05:10,972 - What do you do? - I get back in the boat? 104 00:05:11,177 --> 00:05:13,737 You get in the boat. You're getting in the boat? Wrong. 105 00:05:14,013 --> 00:05:18,882 Wrong. The first thing you do is you make sure your life preserver is strapped on correctly. 106 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,052 Screw that, man. I'm getting in the boat. 107 00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:23,448 - Get out of my way. - Where you going, Coach? 108 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,920 He's paddling to heaven because he's already dead. 109 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,252 - Don't say that! - Spread your wings, angel. 110 00:05:28,461 --> 00:05:29,826 - Douglas. COACH: Oh, my God. Stroke. 111 00:05:30,029 --> 00:05:31,496 - It's a little too much. COACH: Stroke. 112 00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:33,962 - How do you do these? - Alrighty. Okay. 113 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:37,466 COACH: Stroke, stroke. - You're safe. You're okay. You're okay. 114 00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:40,571 You're okay, you're okay, you're okay. 115 00:05:40,773 --> 00:05:42,434 Shh! 116 00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:45,577 [SINGING] Amazing grace 117 00:05:45,778 --> 00:05:47,302 I'm not afraid of boats. 118 00:05:47,513 --> 00:05:48,605 DOUG: How sweet 119 00:05:48,815 --> 00:05:50,282 No one's afraid. 120 00:05:50,483 --> 00:05:51,882 The sound 121 00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:53,916 - Okay, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. - You okay? 122 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,088 [SCREAMING] 123 00:05:56,956 --> 00:05:58,287 Thank you. 124 00:05:58,524 --> 00:06:01,960 Thank you all for coming to the... To the seminar. 125 00:06:02,161 --> 00:06:04,425 Remember to sign up for the volleyball tournament. 126 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,590 JESS: Hey, Coach? CECE: You okay, buddy? 127 00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:10,530 - You okay, pal? - No, you guys have fun. 128 00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:12,932 I'm just gonna hang out in the room for a bit. 129 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,867 - See you later. - Right on. 130 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,338 Cruise... Cruise. Cruise. 131 00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:18,874 What should we do first? 132 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:22,104 - Cheer up, Grumpy Gus. - All right! Cut your fingernails, man! 133 00:06:22,348 --> 00:06:25,977 Nice. There's tickling. Hey, hey, guys. The captain's coming. 134 00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:28,887 NICK: It's the captain. WINSTON: What's up, captain? 135 00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:33,482 Hello, again. I'm Captain Jan Nortis, as I previously stated. 136 00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:37,822 I would just like to say that I am a fan of your enthusiasm. 137 00:06:38,030 --> 00:06:40,498 Oh, no, no, no. Please, don't do that. 138 00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:42,257 - Sorry. - I may be a captain... 139 00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:45,231 ...but first and foremost, I am a woman. 140 00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:48,200 Absolutely. 141 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:55,681 Come on. Did anyone just see that she was flirting like crazy with Nick? 142 00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:58,578 That was like the most shameless flirting I've ever seen. 143 00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:02,186 "Keep it in your pants," is all I have to say to Captain Jan Nortis. 144 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,219 - You're being really weird. - Here we go. 145 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,892 - This is starting now already. - I'm not being weird. 146 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,095 - Creating an awkward situation for no reason. - Don't do this. 147 00:07:10,296 --> 00:07:14,699 If this ship moves as fast as that captain, we'll be in Ensenada by 6. 148 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,869 Well, she was flirting with you, which I'm okay with... 149 00:07:18,070 --> 00:07:19,662 ...because she is a handsome woman. 150 00:07:19,872 --> 00:07:21,499 Jess, stop. You're being weird. 151 00:07:21,707 --> 00:07:23,402 No, I'm not being weird. 152 00:07:23,676 --> 00:07:25,541 I'm not being weird. 153 00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:28,337 - I am... I am being weird. - Focus up for a second. 154 00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:31,847 They say this is an all-inclusive trip, but you know what that means. 155 00:07:32,051 --> 00:07:35,919 From their eyes, you have a couple drinks and you're done. And what've you paid for? 156 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,612 - We're smarter than that. - We are. 157 00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:39,917 We're gonna take every class, do every activity. 158 00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:42,184 - We'll get our money's worth. Got it? - Okay. 159 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:43,760 Jessica Day and Nick Miller. 160 00:07:43,996 --> 00:07:46,191 All right, Day-Miller party. 161 00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:50,061 Here is your itinerary for the Grand Romance Package... 162 00:07:50,269 --> 00:07:51,930 No. No. 163 00:07:52,371 --> 00:07:55,238 Yeah, we're looking for something more like PG-13. 164 00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:57,739 What do you...? Do you have a friendship package...? 165 00:07:57,944 --> 00:08:01,107 What package would you recommend for brothers looking for trouble? 166 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,407 The Grand Romance Package is non-refundable. 167 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:05,844 Well, we're not doing that, so we're good. 168 00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:09,351 Are you sure? This includes over $600 of activities... 169 00:08:09,555 --> 00:08:10,954 - We're gonna do it. - We're not. 170 00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:14,490 Six hundred dollars? That is 600 $1 bills. 171 00:08:14,727 --> 00:08:17,457 That's the only way I can imagine it. We can do this. 172 00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:20,996 We're gonna get our money's worth. We're the best ex-couple in the world. 173 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,327 - Yeah, we are. - Yes. Okay? 174 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:27,263 You guys are exes? Yeah, you're not gonna wanna do this. 175 00:08:27,473 --> 00:08:28,838 - We're doing it. - Give us the folder. 176 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,109 I just wanted to... 177 00:08:42,321 --> 00:08:44,380 - Grumpy Gus. - No! No! No! 178 00:08:44,590 --> 00:08:46,785 - Grumpy. - Sweet mother of sea dragon. 179 00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:48,324 What? What happened? 180 00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:54,797 I just witnessed a dolphin being cut straight in half by our keel. 181 00:08:55,001 --> 00:08:57,333 - It's a ghastly sight. - What? 182 00:08:57,570 --> 00:08:59,128 - That's horrible. - That's right. 183 00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:02,068 - Terrible. - It's a shame about that dolphin, man. 184 00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:03,902 It is. What? 185 00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:06,701 As your bodies become one... 186 00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:09,381 ...follow your breath through your spine... 187 00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:13,279 ...to the soles of your feet and into your genitals. 188 00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:15,283 - What? - Ha-ha-ha. 189 00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:18,651 - Into my genitals? - Yeah. 190 00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:22,492 - Breathe into your genitals. - We're not breathing into my genitals, lady. 191 00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:25,664 All right, lovers, let's get sexy. Give me your sexiest pose here. 192 00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:27,160 - This is it. MAN: Sexiest pose. 193 00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:29,994 - This is it. - That's not... It's not romantic in any way. 194 00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:33,330 Think about the first time you kissed. How was it? You could move in. 195 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,000 Come back in. 196 00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:37,641 Come back in. 197 00:09:37,843 --> 00:09:40,243 I've never done a couple's massage on exes before. 198 00:09:40,446 --> 00:09:43,006 In case you're wondering what that scar on his back is... 199 00:09:43,215 --> 00:09:45,342 ...it's from falling on a fence when he was 6. 200 00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:47,677 I was legally dead for 10 minutes. 201 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:52,357 We're going to make all the towel animals you guys find in your rooms every single night. 202 00:09:52,558 --> 00:09:55,186 - We made laundry. - Nice. 203 00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:03,593 - We're just totally different people. - Yeah, we just didn't belong together. 204 00:10:06,639 --> 00:10:07,867 MAN: Really bumming me out. 205 00:10:08,074 --> 00:10:10,406 Hey, Jess, is this doing weird stuff to your eyes? 206 00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:12,076 - Definitely. - Give me five. 207 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,836 This is the payday. 208 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,307 JESS: You know what? You were right. This isn't weird at all. 209 00:10:18,517 --> 00:10:20,417 No, it isn't. 210 00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:23,417 - Are they out of rosé? - You know what? 211 00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:25,920 This is an old bartending trick, Jess. 212 00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:27,750 Put your glass out. 213 00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:29,585 - You go like this. - No way. 214 00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:31,990 - Look at that. You got rosé. - You're a genius. 215 00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:34,496 - I think I'm smarter at sea. - Ha-ha-ha. 216 00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:40,164 You look... 217 00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:43,942 - You look like you belong here. - What's that, on a ship? 218 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:46,778 Yeah, you too. 219 00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:52,606 [BOTH LAUGH] 220 00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:02,224 Oh, yo. Yo. Yo, yo, yo. 221 00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:05,864 Yo, pal. Yo. 222 00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:08,200 - Well, that was a mistake. - Yes, it was. 223 00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,198 - That was not on purpose. - My fault too. 224 00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,769 Yeah, it was... We can't do the Grand Romance Package. 225 00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:15,132 - I agree. - It's too much. It's too intense. 226 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:18,742 - They whip you into this sexual frenzy. - I know, it's weird. I feel like... 227 00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:22,004 Everything's fine. It's not a big deal. We're good. Everything's good. 228 00:11:22,214 --> 00:11:23,203 Yeah, no problem. 229 00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,849 JESS: All right. Bye, dude. NICK: Bye. 230 00:11:29,288 --> 00:11:31,483 Jess, I've been looking all over for you. 231 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,751 I was hoping that as a group, we could do a little night fishing... 232 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,088 ...that I already put a deposit down on, so we're going. 233 00:11:38,297 --> 00:11:42,495 And if we don't catch anything, they'll let us shoot a machine gun directly into the water. 234 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:46,138 - That is international waters for you. - I would really love nothing more... 235 00:11:46,338 --> 00:11:49,364 ...than to go out and shoot a bunch of fish in the face with you... 236 00:11:49,575 --> 00:11:51,270 ...but that's more of a Nick thing. 237 00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:54,469 Yesterday we decided it'd be better for everyone if we just... 238 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,375 ...spent the rest of the time apart. 239 00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:58,142 - What? - I'm really sorry. 240 00:11:58,350 --> 00:12:00,648 I wanted this to be a great vacation for you guys. 241 00:12:00,853 --> 00:12:04,448 But look, we split up the ship. I took starboard, he took the other one. 242 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:08,353 I got the starboard and she got the other side. 243 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,620 What are you doing? You're by an exhaust vent. 244 00:12:10,863 --> 00:12:13,457 It keeps the side of my face warm and sounds like the ocean. 245 00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,725 More than the ocean sounds like the ocean? 246 00:12:15,968 --> 00:12:18,402 Come on, you guys can't be separate the whole trip. 247 00:12:18,604 --> 00:12:21,072 The trip just made it clear, the break up's too hard. 248 00:12:21,273 --> 00:12:24,242 - I don't think we can be friends for a while. - What? 249 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:28,578 - You're not gonna be friends with Jess? - Even you guys said it, it's just too weird. 250 00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:32,080 That's like the president and vice president not being best friends. 251 00:12:32,284 --> 00:12:34,809 - They're not. - Everybody knows they're best friends. 252 00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:38,023 - They work together, they're not friends. - They're the president and vice president. 253 00:12:38,224 --> 00:12:40,590 - Okay. - Is this something you're okay with? 254 00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:42,522 No, I'm not. But what am I gonna do? 255 00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:48,627 Look, we all have to be together on this trip. That's why we came here. 256 00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:52,466 Nick, there's gotta be something I can do. 257 00:12:52,671 --> 00:12:54,866 - You know what you could do? - Anything, come on. 258 00:12:55,074 --> 00:12:58,134 You can cash in my Skee-Ball tickets on the other side of the boat. 259 00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:01,802 Get me one of those toy spiders I was talking about before. If they're out... 260 00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:04,710 - All right. All right. ...then grab me a bunch of erasers. 261 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:10,218 The opportunity has not presented itself as I'd hoped it would, so I'm creating it. 262 00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:15,223 Now, when I say, "May our progeny bathe in the infinite glow"... 263 00:13:15,494 --> 00:13:17,962 ...that's your cue. Now, what did I just say? 264 00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:21,928 - You repeat it so I know that you know the cue. - May our pro... What? 265 00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:24,665 What's wrong with you? 266 00:13:25,271 --> 00:13:28,240 - Unbelievable. I'll just say go. - I don't know what you're saying. 267 00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:31,067 When I say "go," you start to play. Now, before she sees... 268 00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:34,212 Just get behind... Get behind the vent. Get behind the vent. 269 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,212 [CLEARS THROAT] 270 00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:44,079 - Cece. - Hey. 271 00:13:45,124 --> 00:13:48,855 Your hair in the moonlight, it looks so shiny. 272 00:13:49,061 --> 00:13:53,259 I'm trying to get a signal so I can talk to Buster, but it's just impossible out here. 273 00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:57,263 In the moonlight, your eyes, they sparkle like fish eyes. 274 00:13:57,503 --> 00:14:00,597 I got one. Do I have to hold it at this angle the whole time? 275 00:14:00,873 --> 00:14:03,808 Why is it so important for you to get in touch with Buster? 276 00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:08,504 Look, you know better than anyone... 277 00:14:08,714 --> 00:14:12,741 ...that I don't have the best of luck with relationships. 278 00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:17,555 And I know you think he's young for me... 279 00:14:18,824 --> 00:14:20,553 I don't. 280 00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:24,922 I just want you to be happy. 281 00:14:27,666 --> 00:14:29,133 Thank you. 282 00:14:30,736 --> 00:14:34,137 Guys. Guys. You gotta come with me right now. 283 00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:38,640 Be warned though, there is a weird guy with a violin hiding behind this vent. 284 00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:39,970 A what? 285 00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:41,612 Dude. 286 00:14:42,348 --> 00:14:43,679 - Come on. - What's going on? 287 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,383 I will... I will knock you out where you stand, sir. 288 00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:53,625 Get back there. 289 00:14:56,362 --> 00:14:59,263 They're gonna take a break from being friends? What's that mean? 290 00:14:59,465 --> 00:15:02,764 Guys, this is on us. We put the pressure on them to not be weird. 291 00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:06,504 What were we thinking? Of course they'll be weird. They just broke up. 292 00:15:06,705 --> 00:15:11,233 That's on y'all. I've nothing to do with that. I just been here hanging out, singing songs. 293 00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:13,843 [SINGING OFF-KEY] He was safe in the room 294 00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:16,206 He was safe You will live... 295 00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:19,543 I've been trying to get them to talk to each other all morning, okay? 296 00:15:19,785 --> 00:15:22,549 I passed up on breakfast pizza and single's Bingo. 297 00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:24,619 And those Bingo chicks, they put out. 298 00:15:24,823 --> 00:15:26,222 Bingo. 299 00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:29,394 - They're not gonna listen to us. - Don't ever do that again. 300 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,893 The Bingo thing? That's what they say when l... 301 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:35,294 - You know who they will listen to though? - A doctor. President. 302 00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:36,559 What were you gonna say? 303 00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:38,531 - The captain. - The captain. 304 00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:41,734 NORTIS [OVER PA]: Attention, this is your captain. 305 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:45,206 Would Nick Miller and Jessica Day please return to their stateroom... 306 00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:50,144 ... for a non-life-threatening but necessary official maritime reason. 307 00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:53,614 This is not an emergency. It is definitely not. 308 00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:56,487 - Hey. - Did you hear the captain? 309 00:15:56,722 --> 00:15:59,088 - Yes. - Go, go, go. 310 00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:00,885 It's okay, it's just us. 311 00:16:01,093 --> 00:16:02,856 This is not a drill. 312 00:16:05,664 --> 00:16:10,226 Okay, the door is locked, the do-not-disturb sign has been employed. 313 00:16:10,436 --> 00:16:13,872 We are not leaving here until you guys are friends again. 314 00:16:14,073 --> 00:16:16,906 - We just wanted to spend our vacation alone... - Yes. 315 00:16:17,109 --> 00:16:19,771 ...on separate, strange parts of the ship. - Yeah, it's... 316 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,447 I wanted to see how the ship worked. It's interesting. 317 00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:25,742 And I wanted to see how the other side worked. It's interesting. 318 00:16:25,951 --> 00:16:28,647 We should've never asked you guys not to be weird around us. 319 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:32,152 We want you to be weird around us. Just let us in. 320 00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:34,723 Open your cellar doors and let us taste yourjams. 321 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,417 You want to taste ourjams? 322 00:16:36,628 --> 00:16:39,256 - You lost me. - Listen to yourself for once in your life. 323 00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:43,595 - It's my jam and you can't have it. - First of all, that's my ex-girlfriend's jam, dude. 324 00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:47,636 You know what? All of us are weird, but we're all still friends. 325 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,138 So let's talk about it. I'll go first. 326 00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:53,403 I've made out with half of the guys in this room. 327 00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:56,172 - Okay, that's a start, that's a start. - All right. Sure. 328 00:16:56,415 --> 00:17:00,749 And I have had nightmares about making out with the other two guys in this room. 329 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,352 - So yourself. - And me. 330 00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:04,283 - Nick and Winston. CECE: Okay. 331 00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:06,514 - It's good to admit that. - I respect that. 332 00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:08,317 Yeah, thanks for sharing. 333 00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:11,360 Um, It really bums me out that I'll never know the infinite joy... 334 00:17:11,563 --> 00:17:14,999 ...of what it feels like to carry a child inside of me. 335 00:17:16,001 --> 00:17:17,992 - Wow. See? - That's honesty. 336 00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:21,104 - That's how it's done. - Okay, um... 337 00:17:21,306 --> 00:17:25,367 - Here we go. Up we go. - I feel like it is really weird that... 338 00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:27,845 ...I live with my ex-boyfriend. 339 00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:29,540 CECE: See? There you go. 340 00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,376 - Just turn on the tap and let it out. - Very nice. 341 00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:34,480 That was cool that you admitted that. 342 00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:39,056 I feel weird about living with my ex-girlfriend. I think it's a landmine for trouble. 343 00:17:39,258 --> 00:17:41,021 What happens when hunks come around? 344 00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,456 What happens when you bring some ho bag in the house? 345 00:17:43,662 --> 00:17:46,961 Exactly. That is scary stuff. When a breakup happens you mostly get away. 346 00:17:47,199 --> 00:17:49,167 Because I'm gonna beat her ass. 347 00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:52,963 - What if she's bigger than you? - She probably will be. 348 00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:54,799 Snap. That was good. 349 00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:57,137 - Good for you. I saw that. - Yes. 350 00:17:57,342 --> 00:18:00,402 - This is how it all starts. - That's good, man. It's really good. 351 00:18:00,612 --> 00:18:04,013 - It's nice to talk to you about this. - Yeah, it was really weird when you... 352 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:06,444 ...tried to kiss me last night and licked my ear. 353 00:18:06,718 --> 00:18:08,242 - What? - You guys kissed last night? 354 00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:10,718 - This is so confusing. - It was just a lapse. 355 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,550 - It was gross. - You're back together? 356 00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,988 - We're not. - You're confusing everybody. 357 00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:16,684 It was the Grand Romance Package. 358 00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:20,058 Oh, my God. They were like folding these towels, it was so sexy. 359 00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:23,234 You try folding towels like that, see if you don't get turned on. 360 00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:25,528 Yeah, because they fold the towels like vaginas. 361 00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:26,726 Swans, dude. 362 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,272 The yoga instructor was like breathing into our genitals and like... 363 00:18:30,476 --> 00:18:35,072 - It opened everyone up in a real true way. - Yeah. Absolutely. 364 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,510 This thing was ready to talk to that thing again. 365 00:18:37,716 --> 00:18:39,013 Emotionally and sexually. 366 00:18:39,218 --> 00:18:40,845 - What? - What's wrong with you, man? 367 00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:43,283 - Are you crazy? SCHMIDT: Pick one. You're together or not. 368 00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:45,616 COACH: I'm gonna punch you in the face, bro. 369 00:18:45,891 --> 00:18:48,121 - Things are really weird. - Agreed. 370 00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:51,727 But I'm okay with it. 371 00:18:51,930 --> 00:18:53,522 Me too. 372 00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:55,324 Hey there. 373 00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:58,631 - Okay. Good enough, good start. - Wonderful. 374 00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:01,635 - Thank you for doing this weird intervention. - This was great. 375 00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:03,501 It worked out. Everybody's good now. 376 00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:06,234 JESS: Let's go eat our weight in fake crab. - There you go. 377 00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:08,310 - All right. - I need to get drunk. 378 00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:11,574 - All right. - Trying to get us psyched up. 379 00:19:11,850 --> 00:19:14,751 - The door's stuck. Is that part of your thing? - No. 380 00:19:14,953 --> 00:19:16,818 - Call security. - I got rid of the phone. 381 00:19:17,022 --> 00:19:19,286 - I thought it'd be more intense. SCHMIDT: You murdered us. 382 00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,459 - What? WINSTON: Open up. Open up. 383 00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:23,423 - Watch out. - It's usually the handle. 384 00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:25,927 - I'll do it. - Lf you can just get the handle going. 385 00:19:26,131 --> 00:19:29,828 Guys, guys, guys. Calm down. 386 00:19:30,035 --> 00:19:32,435 How long could it take for someone to hear us? 387 00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:40,037 [FLY BUZZING] 388 00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:45,083 We did bad things to the tub. 389 00:19:45,317 --> 00:19:47,342 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 390 00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:50,454 I got the sugars. I'm the sugar man. Ha-ha-ha. 391 00:19:50,656 --> 00:19:53,523 Silence. I have the talking soap. 392 00:19:55,494 --> 00:19:57,155 JESS: I'm the queen of Wednesday. 393 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,193 It's so nice to have a family portrait. 394 00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:05,403 We should shower less. I think we look really great. 395 00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:08,835 I'm really glad we framed this. I mean, what a proud moment. 396 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,532 It is cool being in the paper though. 397 00:20:11,810 --> 00:20:13,869 Part of me died on that boat. 398 00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:16,172 I will never be the same again. 399 00:20:16,615 --> 00:20:18,515 All right. Take a nap. Sleep it off, man. 400 00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:21,215 I'm sorry, is Cece checking out Schmidt? 401 00:20:21,453 --> 00:20:22,977 What? 402 00:20:23,188 --> 00:20:25,053 Let me see that. 403 00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,254 What are you talking about, Winston? 404 00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:33,056 Shame, shame, I know your name 405 00:20:33,265 --> 00:20:36,598 You do not know my name, Winston. 406 00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:39,736 WINSTON: Cece got a boyfriend who used to be fatty. 407 00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:42,236 CECE: Yeah, you'd better run, bitch. WINSTON: Ow, ow, ow! 408 00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:44,803 That's my mustache. 409 00:20:47,479 --> 00:20:50,175 I've been thinking a lot about your sleeping arrangements. 410 00:20:50,382 --> 00:20:52,009 - Weird. - And I might have an idea... 411 00:20:52,217 --> 00:20:54,879 ...on how to make things a little bit less weird. 412 00:20:55,887 --> 00:20:58,378 - Really? What is it? - Two words: 413 00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:01,354 - Bunk beds. - No, I'm not putting bunk beds in my room. 414 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:03,892 Not in your room. In my room. 415 00:21:04,129 --> 00:21:06,791 It'll just be like college, my man. Only with way more sex. 416 00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:08,967 - What? - That came out wrong. 417 00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:12,625 I'm not bunking with you, Schmidt. 418 00:21:13,505 --> 00:21:15,132 Yeah, he is. 419 00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:18,707 - Yeah, he is. - Yeah, he is. 420 00:21:18,977 --> 00:21:21,468 There's gonna be a lot of rules and I'm gonna make them. 421 00:21:21,747 --> 00:21:25,342 You can make them all, man. Except for the ones that I make. 422 00:21:25,884 --> 00:21:28,284 First one in gets dibs. Ripped By mstoll