1
00:00:01,424 --> 00:00:05,770
Now, kids, the spring of 2008 was a
complicated time in your old man's life.
2
00:00:06,427 --> 00:00:09,088
The last time I had seen Barney
was shortly after I found out
3
00:00:09,188 --> 00:00:11,192
he had spent
the night with Robin.
4
00:00:11,615 --> 00:00:13,830
Are you saying you don't want
to be bros anymore?
5
00:00:14,340 --> 00:00:16,364
I'm saying I don't want
to be friends anymore.
6
00:00:18,380 --> 00:00:19,403
It's Barney.
7
00:00:21,132 --> 00:00:23,621
Dude, seriously,
you need to stop calling me.
8
00:00:23,821 --> 00:00:25,999
Ted, I'm sorry
I haven't returned your calls.
9
00:00:26,474 --> 00:00:27,705
Yeah, I never called you.
10
00:00:27,806 --> 00:00:30,079
You called me 15 times
and my parents twice.
11
00:00:30,971 --> 00:00:31,982
I'm sorry.
12
00:00:32,169 --> 00:00:33,334
I gotta let you go.
13
00:00:33,738 --> 00:00:35,845
There's just too many
good wingmen out there.
14
00:00:37,808 --> 00:00:39,260
Ted, are you crying?
15
00:00:39,466 --> 00:00:41,011
No, I'm not.
16
00:00:41,795 --> 00:00:43,181
Let it out. Let it out.
17
00:00:43,994 --> 00:00:45,429
Good-bye, Barney.
18
00:00:45,636 --> 00:00:47,391
So, are you two
back together?
19
00:00:49,587 --> 00:00:50,691
I miss Barney.
20
00:00:51,214 --> 00:00:53,720
I haven't high-fived anyone
in like a week.
21
00:00:53,826 --> 00:00:56,210
I think I might be starting to lose
my fist bump callus.
22
00:00:57,235 --> 00:00:58,649
Let me ask you something, Ted.
23
00:00:58,754 --> 00:01:00,890
Why are you so much madder
at Barney than me?
24
00:01:00,996 --> 00:01:04,891
Yeah, she had just as much sex
with Barney as Barney had with her.
25
00:01:05,226 --> 00:01:07,581
You know what?
I'm not sure that's true.
26
00:01:08,997 --> 00:01:12,721
And I think I'd actually prefer it if
you were mad at me; this is too weird.
27
00:01:12,825 --> 00:01:14,360
I'm not mad at anybody.
28
00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:18,050
I've forgiven you, and I've outgrown
Barney as a friend. It's that simple.
29
00:01:18,424 --> 00:01:20,241
I'll tell you why he's not mad.
30
00:01:20,346 --> 00:01:22,052
It's 'cause he's so happy
with Stella.
31
00:01:22,254 --> 00:01:23,089
She was right.
32
00:01:23,866 --> 00:01:26,089
Stella and I had been dating
for two months,
33
00:01:26,265 --> 00:01:28,259
and things were
going really well.
34
00:01:28,364 --> 00:01:31,252
She had met my friends
and passed with flying colors.
35
00:01:31,356 --> 00:01:32,812
There was just
one little problem.
36
00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:35,139
You guys haven't had sex yet?!
37
00:01:36,025 --> 00:01:39,649
When Marshall and I were
two months in, we were doing it 24/7.
38
00:01:39,756 --> 00:01:41,941
I know, I was in the top bunk.
39
00:01:42,407 --> 00:01:44,071
I also sat next to you guys
at football games.
40
00:01:44,836 --> 00:01:46,580
So what are you guys waiting for?
41
00:01:46,875 --> 00:01:48,819
I think she wants to make sure
we're serious first.
44
00:01:52,605 --> 00:01:55,411
Wait...
so you haven't had sex
45
00:01:55,517 --> 00:01:57,040
since, like...
Thanksgiving.
46
00:01:58,087 --> 00:02:01,670
Do you know how many big federal
holidays have come and gone since then?
47
00:02:02,144 --> 00:02:05,091
Ooh, baby, do you remember
Martin Luther King Day?
48
00:02:05,664 --> 00:02:06,389
Yeah, I do.
49
00:02:07,005 --> 00:02:09,441
We honored that dude big time.
50
00:02:10,115 --> 00:02:12,759
Look, I'm crazy about this girl,
and if waiting is what it takes,
51
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,021
then I am fine with that.
52
00:02:15,147 --> 00:02:17,121
On a totally unrelated note,
does anybody have any gum
53
00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:20,111
or ice or a piece of bark
they're not chewing?
54
00:02:26,216 --> 00:02:28,380
Hey, Barney,
new SkyMall came in.
55
00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:30,119
So, uh...
56
00:02:30,915 --> 00:02:34,292
Word around the blogosphere is
that you're looking for a new wingman.
57
00:02:34,395 --> 00:02:36,252
I want to let you know
I am available.
58
00:02:37,055 --> 00:02:39,022
Just say the word,
or don't even say the word.
59
00:02:39,124 --> 00:02:41,229
Just do something
with your eyebrow.
60
00:02:44,995 --> 00:02:45,761
Was that it?
61
00:02:47,347 --> 00:02:50,890
No offense, Randy, but there's
a long list of candidates for this slot.
62
00:02:51,376 --> 00:02:54,039
This slot is
Vice President of Awesome,
63
00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:55,510
and you're, like,
64
00:02:55,615 --> 00:02:58,150
Assistant Undersecretary
of Only Okay.
65
00:02:59,464 --> 00:03:02,290
"Assistant Undersecretary
of Only Okay. "
66
00:03:02,855 --> 00:03:04,299
Thank you.
I won't let you down.
67
00:03:05,316 --> 00:03:07,931
So Uncle Barney began the search
for a new wingman.
68
00:03:08,114 --> 00:03:09,740
Pete!
Barney Stinson.
69
00:03:09,847 --> 00:03:12,201
Hey, I've been meaning to call you.
It's been a while.
70
00:03:12,407 --> 00:03:15,409
Yeah, yeah, so listen. You should
meet me at MacLaren's tonight.
71
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:18,000
You're never gonna believe this:
I'm at the hospital.
72
00:03:18,277 --> 00:03:20,250
Just had a baby daughter.
73
00:03:21,644 --> 00:03:23,050
So what do you think,
9:30, 10:00?
74
00:03:25,676 --> 00:03:28,262
Stapleton!
Barney Stinson.
75
00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:29,352
What up, chief?
76
00:03:29,457 --> 00:03:31,181
Need a new bro.
What do you say?
77
00:03:31,746 --> 00:03:34,642
Dude, I'd love to, but right now
I'm bros with Doug Stein.
78
00:03:36,256 --> 00:03:38,751
Oh, I understand.
79
00:03:39,415 --> 00:03:40,679
Doug Stein's a good bro.
80
00:03:41,997 --> 00:03:43,520
I'm happy for you.
Best of luck.
81
00:03:45,437 --> 00:03:48,551
Crazy Willie!
Barney Stinson.
82
00:03:48,654 --> 00:03:52,831
What up, B-Dog? Long time, no bro.
So we gonna tear it up tonight or what?
83
00:03:52,936 --> 00:03:54,891
Yes, finally!
84
00:03:55,087 --> 00:03:56,560
Here's what's on
the rock-it docket.
85
00:03:56,664 --> 00:03:58,510
My wife and I put
the cheese out at 7:00,
86
00:03:58,615 --> 00:04:01,651
Cranium at 8:00,
9:00 p. m. we watch 27 Dresses.
87
00:04:01,757 --> 00:04:04,519
Everybody's home by 11:00.
Boo-yah!
88
00:04:09,927 --> 00:04:10,619
Hello?
89
00:04:10,727 --> 00:04:13,120
Hanging up on you
once wasn't enough.
90
00:04:14,336 --> 00:04:16,312
So I lanced this thing
on this guy's back,
91
00:04:16,414 --> 00:04:18,320
and I'll be honest with you,
I didn't even know what it was,
92
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,820
and then it exploded
like a volcano.
93
00:04:20,926 --> 00:04:22,060
Pus everywhere.
94
00:04:22,265 --> 00:04:25,441
Let's have sex.
Right now. I'll lock the door.
95
00:04:25,854 --> 00:04:27,381
Oh, there's no lock on that door.
96
00:04:27,485 --> 00:04:29,612
We can do it against the door.
It'll be hot!
97
00:04:29,717 --> 00:04:32,120
It'll be like a three-way:
you, me, and the door.
98
00:04:32,464 --> 00:04:35,452
Yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird
between me and the door tomorrow.
99
00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:38,772
I'm sorry.
100
00:04:38,876 --> 00:04:40,669
We're waiting.
It's cool.
101
00:04:41,516 --> 00:04:44,321
You've been so patient, Ted.
102
00:04:44,695 --> 00:04:45,922
The truth is...
103
00:04:46,126 --> 00:04:48,891
I'm kind of nervous.
I have a confession to make.
104
00:04:48,994 --> 00:04:50,889
I was afraid of this.
You're 14.
105
00:04:53,486 --> 00:04:54,929
No, um...
106
00:04:55,937 --> 00:04:58,300
It's kind of embarrassing,
but it's
107
00:04:58,407 --> 00:05:00,599
a while since
I was intimate with anyone.
108
00:05:01,504 --> 00:05:03,659
Wow, it's funny that you say that.
109
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:05,320
- Me, too.
- Really?
110
00:05:06,235 --> 00:05:07,442
How long's it been for you?
111
00:05:09,155 --> 00:05:10,281
It's been a while.
112
00:05:10,757 --> 00:05:11,609
Tell me.
113
00:05:15,016 --> 00:05:15,989
Me, too!
114
00:05:16,594 --> 00:05:18,252
It's been five months for you, too?
115
00:05:19,325 --> 00:05:21,291
Five years?!
116
00:05:29,946 --> 00:05:32,402
How I Met Your Mother
3x18- Rebound Bro
117
00:05:38,248 --> 00:05:41,593
Wow. Stella hasn't
had sex since 2003.
118
00:05:41,696 --> 00:05:43,211
Let's put this in context.
119
00:05:43,318 --> 00:05:45,191
The last time Stella had sex,
120
00:05:45,297 --> 00:05:48,452
the movie, Seabiscuit,
had just galloped into theaters...
121
00:05:48,558 --> 00:05:49,703
and our hearts.
122
00:05:51,088 --> 00:05:52,532
Five years?
123
00:05:52,927 --> 00:05:54,691
God, if I even went one year,
124
00:05:54,799 --> 00:05:57,242
I would be out on the street
selling it for a nickel.
125
00:05:58,116 --> 00:06:00,183
The last time Stella had sex,
126
00:06:00,286 --> 00:06:02,584
the world was just
learning about SARS.
127
00:06:03,166 --> 00:06:06,422
Well, Ted, what else did she say? Did
she give you any kind of explanation?
128
00:06:07,208 --> 00:06:09,602
Look, after Lucy was born,
I dated a little,
129
00:06:09,707 --> 00:06:11,593
but it was hard to find a guy
I could trust enough.
130
00:06:12,168 --> 00:06:14,851
Sooner or later, every one of them
gave me a reason not to.
131
00:06:15,779 --> 00:06:18,224
But nobody in five years?
132
00:06:19,059 --> 00:06:22,174
Look, Ted, guys regret
the girls they didn't sleep with.
133
00:06:22,277 --> 00:06:23,971
Girls regret the guys
they do sleep with.
134
00:06:24,208 --> 00:06:27,573
And for the past five years,
I've had no regrets.
135
00:06:30,369 --> 00:06:32,351
Ted, you're staring at
my boobs.
136
00:06:33,038 --> 00:06:34,621
In my defense,
they were staring at me.
137
00:06:37,078 --> 00:06:40,041
So what does this mean for you?
Is she ever gonna want to get intimate?
138
00:06:40,629 --> 00:06:41,351
Actually...
139
00:06:41,858 --> 00:06:44,463
But the truth is, I really do
want to do this with you.
140
00:06:45,228 --> 00:06:47,091
I don't think I'd regret it at all.
141
00:06:47,743 --> 00:06:49,384
Your pillow talk's a little rusty.
142
00:06:49,911 --> 00:06:51,976
You know what I mean, Ted.
I'm ready.
143
00:06:52,940 --> 00:06:53,707
That's great.
144
00:06:55,390 --> 00:06:57,161
Like, "right now" ready?
145
00:06:58,308 --> 00:07:00,071
So her sister's driving up
to baby-sit Lucy,
146
00:07:00,176 --> 00:07:02,951
and we're getting a hotel room
in the city Saturday night.
147
00:07:03,057 --> 00:07:04,844
The last time Stella had sex,
148
00:07:04,947 --> 00:07:06,771
The Da Vinci Code
had just come out.
149
00:07:06,979 --> 00:07:08,443
Well, that doesn't seem
like that long ago.
150
00:07:08,548 --> 00:07:10,652
Not the movie, the book.
151
00:07:12,957 --> 00:07:14,194
It's a lot of pressure, isn't it?
152
00:07:14,296 --> 00:07:15,563
You know what?
It's not.
153
00:07:15,668 --> 00:07:19,282
This woman needs it bad. Anything
you do is going to be fireworks.
154
00:07:20,116 --> 00:07:22,253
I remember my longest drought...
155
00:07:23,006 --> 00:07:25,231
It was that summer
I lived in San Francisco.
156
00:07:25,337 --> 00:07:28,954
I hadn't had been with Marshall
in two months and 19 days.
157
00:07:38,716 --> 00:07:40,641
Oh, San Francisco.
158
00:07:41,756 --> 00:07:45,353
I don't know, Lily, after five years, her
expectations have gotta be pretty high.
159
00:07:45,658 --> 00:07:47,673
Notable deaths in 2003...
160
00:07:49,908 --> 00:07:50,973
Oh, my God...
161
00:07:51,979 --> 00:07:53,224
Nell Carter.
162
00:07:54,379 --> 00:07:56,103
Did you guys know that
Nell Carter had died?
163
00:07:57,866 --> 00:08:00,374
I'm really gonna have to bring
my A-game to satisfy this woman.
164
00:08:00,479 --> 00:08:02,522
Yeah, it'll be pretty hard
now that she's dead.
165
00:08:02,627 --> 00:08:03,753
Not Nell Carter,
Stella.
166
00:08:04,676 --> 00:08:07,322
Dude, relax.
It's all about expectations management.
167
00:08:07,426 --> 00:08:09,004
Do you know why I hated
Jerry Maguire so much?
168
00:08:09,547 --> 00:08:10,872
Because you're dead inside?
169
00:08:11,606 --> 00:08:13,864
No, because you built it up
for, like, two weeks,
170
00:08:13,968 --> 00:08:15,702
saying it was
the greatest movie ever.
171
00:08:15,808 --> 00:08:18,801
With Stella, do the opposite:
lower expectations.
172
00:08:19,007 --> 00:08:22,142
Right, right, and then no matter
what happens, she'll be happy.
173
00:08:24,898 --> 00:08:26,053
Hey, buddy.
174
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:30,194
I'm married, Barney.
I cannot be your new wingman.
175
00:08:33,859 --> 00:08:35,032
No.
176
00:08:42,738 --> 00:08:45,753
Hey, Randy.
Could you come in here for a minute?
177
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:48,872
Good news.
178
00:08:49,168 --> 00:08:50,894
I'm calling you up to the majors.
179
00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:52,544
Starting tomorrow night,
180
00:08:52,649 --> 00:08:54,921
how would you like to be
my new wingman?
181
00:08:57,767 --> 00:09:00,393
Just need to check my calendar.
Be right back.
182
00:09:24,107 --> 00:09:25,294
Tomorrow works.
183
00:09:28,748 --> 00:09:32,024
I have a surprise appetizer
for us today. Check it out.
184
00:09:32,616 --> 00:09:34,194
Potato skins.
185
00:09:34,296 --> 00:09:35,982
- Fancy.
- Yeah, right?
186
00:09:36,087 --> 00:09:38,573
God, it's been forever
since I had potato skins.
187
00:09:38,788 --> 00:09:42,681
I remember them as being pretty much
the most delicious things ever.
188
00:09:46,737 --> 00:09:47,971
That's surprising.
189
00:09:48,587 --> 00:09:50,403
- What?
- This potato skin.
190
00:09:50,806 --> 00:09:54,772
It's good, but not nearly as good
as I'd built it up to be in my head.
191
00:09:56,209 --> 00:09:59,132
Even though this potato skin
performed admirably,
192
00:09:59,237 --> 00:10:01,244
and is a totally respectable size...
193
00:10:02,457 --> 00:10:05,802
I couldn't enjoy it because
of my own unrealistic expectations.
194
00:10:07,179 --> 00:10:08,542
Ted, I see what you're doing.
195
00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:11,714
You're trying to lower
my expectations for tonight.
196
00:10:12,268 --> 00:10:14,222
- Is this a length thing?
- No.
197
00:10:14,326 --> 00:10:15,792
- Quick on the draw?
- No.
198
00:10:15,897 --> 00:10:18,263
- Unexpected number of testicles?
- No!
199
00:10:19,237 --> 00:10:20,991
It's just that
this is a big deal for you.
200
00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:22,681
I mean, it's like
Your Virginity: The Sequel.
201
00:10:24,586 --> 00:10:26,524
Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo?
202
00:10:26,628 --> 00:10:28,531
Exactly, and I don't want
to mess it up.
203
00:10:28,637 --> 00:10:30,982
I don't want you to ever
wonder if I was worth it.
204
00:10:32,296 --> 00:10:34,704
Ted, of course it's gonna be worth it.
205
00:10:35,099 --> 00:10:36,302
Stop worrying.
206
00:10:37,126 --> 00:10:38,401
It's you and me.
207
00:10:38,609 --> 00:10:40,731
It already has everything it needs.
208
00:10:45,098 --> 00:10:47,014
"Unexpected number of testicles?"
209
00:10:47,117 --> 00:10:49,571
It happens.
I knew a guy in med school...
210
00:10:49,677 --> 00:10:52,252
We used to joke that he was one ball
away from getting walked.
211
00:10:57,849 --> 00:11:00,341
What up, Bro-seph Lieberman?
212
00:11:00,718 --> 00:11:05,091
No, uh-uh. Randy,
we never use the word "bro"
213
00:11:05,197 --> 00:11:08,592
in the name of a failed Democratic
vice presidential candidate.
214
00:11:10,058 --> 00:11:13,734
Good-bye, "Geraldine Ferrar-bro. "
215
00:11:15,078 --> 00:11:17,884
You know what?
I'm excited about this, Randy.
216
00:11:17,987 --> 00:11:20,992
You will be my next masterpiece.
It's like with Ted.
217
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:23,863
When I first met him,
he was an even bigger loser than you.
218
00:11:24,258 --> 00:11:25,784
What a loser.
219
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:29,894
But tonight, I am going to make you
the greatest wingman
220
00:11:29,997 --> 00:11:32,333
in the history of wingmen.
221
00:11:33,089 --> 00:11:35,283
Oh, it's gonna be easier
than you think, bro.
222
00:11:35,388 --> 00:11:37,553
Yeah, I've been reading
your blog for years.
223
00:11:37,659 --> 00:11:39,303
You are like a God to me.
224
00:11:39,406 --> 00:11:42,052
That's why tonight
is going to be legendary...
225
00:11:42,157 --> 00:11:43,423
wait for it...
226
00:11:44,156 --> 00:11:45,401
dary.
227
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,772
Okay, Randy, let's do this.
228
00:11:55,307 --> 00:11:57,103
- You ready?
- Yes.
229
00:11:57,406 --> 00:12:00,072
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- What? What's the matter?
230
00:12:01,659 --> 00:12:03,991
Nothing.
Let's do this.
231
00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:07,741
No, no, no, no, no, please, please,
please. Just wait. Just wait.
232
00:12:07,847 --> 00:12:10,581
- Just wait. Just wait!
- Randy, what are you doing?
233
00:12:10,786 --> 00:12:13,322
Dripping with game,
that's what I'm doing.
234
00:12:13,916 --> 00:12:16,374
Okay, let's go.
No. Yes. No!
235
00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:19,341
Randy, listen to me:
you can do this, okay?
236
00:12:19,449 --> 00:12:21,634
Oh, I don't know.
Are those girls really that hot?
237
00:12:21,737 --> 00:12:24,943
Yeah, they're hot.
Let's do this. Okay!
238
00:12:28,838 --> 00:12:29,931
Hey, ladies.
239
00:12:30,037 --> 00:12:32,143
Have you met...
240
00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:40,631
- Hey.
- Hey!
241
00:12:40,848 --> 00:12:42,664
So, here's the plan.
242
00:12:42,766 --> 00:12:45,341
Take a horse-drawn carriage through
the park, and it just so happens
243
00:12:45,447 --> 00:12:47,081
the Philharmonic is playing
an open-air...
244
00:12:47,087 --> 00:12:47,923
Ted.
Five years.
245
00:12:48,027 --> 00:12:49,263
- Straight to the hotel?
- Straight to the hotel.
246
00:12:49,266 --> 00:12:50,643
I'll get my bag.
247
00:12:53,819 --> 00:12:54,953
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
248
00:12:55,056 --> 00:12:55,824
Hey.
249
00:12:55,927 --> 00:12:58,333
So, uh,
looking forward to tonight?
250
00:12:58,646 --> 00:13:01,791
Yeah. Definitely. It's been such
a long time since I've had a night out.
251
00:13:02,226 --> 00:13:04,064
Yeah, we heard.
252
00:13:04,168 --> 00:13:07,632
I would explode if it had been that
long since I had a "night out. "
253
00:13:08,116 --> 00:13:10,163
This one wakes me up
at 4:00 a. m. sometimes
254
00:13:10,269 --> 00:13:12,604
just to have a little "night out. "
255
00:13:13,956 --> 00:13:16,272
Um, what are you guys
talking about?
256
00:13:17,628 --> 00:13:21,151
Nothing. Pizza.
What are you talking about?
257
00:13:22,126 --> 00:13:23,273
Hey, guys.
258
00:13:24,226 --> 00:13:25,784
Ted, you told them, didn't you?
259
00:13:26,286 --> 00:13:27,383
Told them what?
260
00:13:27,767 --> 00:13:30,993
You told them that
I haven't had sex in five years.
261
00:13:33,919 --> 00:13:36,241
You haven't had sex in five years?!
262
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:40,841
That is a shocking revelation that
we're just finding out about right now.
263
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:49,675
Stella, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have told them.
264
00:13:49,782 --> 00:13:51,716
But they're my best friends.
I tell them everything.
265
00:13:51,822 --> 00:13:53,406
I didn't even think about it.
266
00:13:53,509 --> 00:13:56,044
Ted, that was so personal.
267
00:13:56,431 --> 00:13:58,805
- Now your friends think I'm a freak.
- No, they don't.
268
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,387
Look, I realize it's weird, okay?
269
00:14:01,489 --> 00:14:03,554
Not many people go
five years without having sex.
270
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,305
13 years?!
271
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,045
I peaked really young.
272
00:14:08,662 --> 00:14:10,365
That's why it was difficult
for me to tell you.
273
00:14:10,471 --> 00:14:12,356
But I did tell you because
I thought that I could trust you.
274
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,656
You can trust me.
275
00:14:13,862 --> 00:14:15,274
Obviously, I can't.
276
00:14:16,649 --> 00:14:19,426
You know, there's always a reason
not to sleep with a guy, and
277
00:14:19,532 --> 00:14:20,887
you just gave me yours.
278
00:14:20,992 --> 00:14:24,376
Wait, did I give you a reason,
or were you looking for one?
279
00:14:25,561 --> 00:14:27,417
Why would I be looking for one?
280
00:14:27,821 --> 00:14:29,864
Because things are getting
serious between us,
281
00:14:29,971 --> 00:14:31,255
and that scares you.
282
00:14:34,931 --> 00:14:36,117
Good night, Ted.
283
00:14:39,731 --> 00:14:41,304
Okay, Randy,
284
00:14:41,409 --> 00:14:43,876
now, tell me,
without looking at your hand,
285
00:14:43,980 --> 00:14:47,645
what are the three beginner techniques
for picking up a woman at a bar?
286
00:14:48,229 --> 00:14:50,094
Isolate her from her friends;
287
00:14:50,201 --> 00:14:52,275
repeat her name in conversation;
288
00:14:52,382 --> 00:14:53,775
subtly put her down.
289
00:14:54,079 --> 00:14:54,984
Excellent.
290
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,256
Now...
let's put those to use.
291
00:14:59,849 --> 00:15:01,465
I'm right behind you.
292
00:15:05,990 --> 00:15:08,376
Hi, I'm Randy.
What's your name?
293
00:15:08,882 --> 00:15:10,815
- Haley.
- Haley.
294
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,334
Haley, that's a pretty name, Haley.
Haley...
295
00:15:13,670 --> 00:15:15,266
come here, Haley.
296
00:15:17,031 --> 00:15:17,845
Okay.
297
00:15:20,660 --> 00:15:22,975
Haley, you are a fat ugly whore.
298
00:15:29,321 --> 00:15:30,435
I'm sorry, Barney.
299
00:15:31,072 --> 00:15:33,986
So you got a drink thrown in your face.
Happens to me all the time.
300
00:15:34,091 --> 00:15:35,807
Pretty soon you'll be able
to anticipate it,
301
00:15:35,909 --> 00:15:37,594
and when you do?
Free drink.
302
00:15:38,780 --> 00:15:39,876
Oh, hey.
303
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,155
We got two live ones.
304
00:15:41,262 --> 00:15:43,187
New plan: this time
follow my lead.
305
00:15:46,922 --> 00:15:47,874
Evening, ladies.
306
00:15:48,301 --> 00:15:51,225
Oh, I like your broach.
What is that?
307
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:54,126
Oh, it's a koala bear.
I think they're adorable.
308
00:15:54,539 --> 00:15:55,834
No way!
309
00:15:55,940 --> 00:16:00,054
My friend Randy here is the leading
expert on koala bears in Australia!
310
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:02,054
He's in town working with
the Bronx Zoo.
311
00:16:02,161 --> 00:16:04,984
You are?
That is so cool!
312
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:08,504
What is your favorite thing
about koala bears?
313
00:16:11,692 --> 00:16:14,056
Their...
314
00:16:14,990 --> 00:16:17,237
meat is delicious.
315
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,314
- I'm sorry, Barney.
- Ah, it's okay.
316
00:16:24,422 --> 00:16:27,286
New plan:
we need to get you comfortable
317
00:16:27,391 --> 00:16:29,537
just saying words to women.
318
00:16:29,910 --> 00:16:32,414
Now, there's no reason to be nervous,
because my friend, Robin,
319
00:16:32,519 --> 00:16:33,745
has agreed to help out.
320
00:16:33,851 --> 00:16:36,026
Because you threatened to put a video
of us on the Internet,
321
00:16:36,132 --> 00:16:37,785
which I'm still not
convinced you have.
322
00:16:37,890 --> 00:16:40,956
Right, which is why you came
all the way from Brooklyn at midnight.
323
00:16:41,371 --> 00:16:42,675
Now Randy,
324
00:16:43,281 --> 00:16:44,495
let's keep it simple.
325
00:16:44,602 --> 00:16:46,865
Just start by introducing yourself.
326
00:16:47,899 --> 00:16:49,395
Hi.
My name's Randy.
327
00:16:49,692 --> 00:16:50,556
Hi, Randy.
328
00:16:51,391 --> 00:16:53,064
- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?
329
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,016
- Good, thank you.
- Great.
330
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:58,987
You're doing really, really well.
Now ask her what she's doing later.
331
00:16:59,392 --> 00:17:01,094
What are you doing later?
332
00:17:01,591 --> 00:17:04,016
Yeah, your nose is bleeding
like a faucet.
333
00:17:05,872 --> 00:17:09,395
Oh, God. This happens every time
I get an erection. I am so sorry.
334
00:17:12,940 --> 00:17:15,555
Okay.
Okay, new plan.
335
00:17:15,662 --> 00:17:19,054
We wrap his face in gauze
so he can't bleed or talk.
336
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,656
- You are the woman...
- Barney,
337
00:17:20,759 --> 00:17:23,505
why are you so desperate
to have this happen?
338
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,596
I'm a wingman.
That's what wingmen do.
339
00:17:26,199 --> 00:17:28,944
Is it possible that you're trying
to fill the void
340
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:32,227
of losing Ted by rushing into
a new wingman relationship?
341
00:17:32,972 --> 00:17:34,096
What are you saying?
342
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,107
I'm saying that Randy
is your rebound bro.
343
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,945
No.
That's crazy.
344
00:17:40,422 --> 00:17:42,106
What Randy and I have is real.
345
00:17:43,059 --> 00:17:46,836
No, it's not, Barney.
And even if you got Randy laid tonight,
346
00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:50,786
would it feel anywhere near as
meaningful as when you got Ted laid?
347
00:17:52,060 --> 00:17:54,076
He was just so happy
the next morning, you know?
348
00:17:54,279 --> 00:17:54,955
I know.
349
00:17:55,962 --> 00:17:58,026
All right.
It hasn't clotted but I think
350
00:17:58,131 --> 00:18:00,466
it's pretty much
draining backwards now.
351
00:18:02,830 --> 00:18:03,865
Randy.
352
00:18:04,971 --> 00:18:06,267
I've been thinking,
353
00:18:06,942 --> 00:18:08,327
this isn't working out.
354
00:18:09,140 --> 00:18:10,974
Yeah, I figured.
355
00:18:11,241 --> 00:18:14,474
I knew I couldn't fly this close
to the sun without getting burned.
356
00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:17,947
This is the story of my life.
I always let people down.
357
00:18:18,050 --> 00:18:20,407
You, my dad, the chief.
358
00:18:20,950 --> 00:18:21,737
The chief?
359
00:18:22,270 --> 00:18:24,077
Yeah, I was a cop
for like three months.
360
00:18:24,181 --> 00:18:26,627
But I got kicked off the force
because I screwed up so much
361
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:28,487
I was an insurance liability.
362
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:32,324
You were a New York City police officer
and you didn't tell me?
363
00:18:32,721 --> 00:18:34,915
Wow!
Did you ever shoot anybody?
364
00:18:35,022 --> 00:18:37,214
- Only all the time.
- But not himself.
365
00:18:37,321 --> 00:18:38,936
- And not in the foot.
- Actually...
366
00:18:39,041 --> 00:18:41,047
- Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
- but nothing.
367
00:18:41,470 --> 00:18:44,516
I don't think there's anything
hotter than a cop.
368
00:18:45,312 --> 00:18:47,207
Are you okay?
Your nose is bleeding.
369
00:18:47,881 --> 00:18:50,854
Old injury. The bullet's still
lodged in his sinus.
370
00:18:50,959 --> 00:18:52,834
Oh, my God!
You know what?
371
00:18:52,942 --> 00:18:56,356
I live right around the corner. Can I
take you to my place and fix you up?
372
00:18:59,780 --> 00:19:01,437
That would be very nice.
373
00:19:03,390 --> 00:19:05,237
Have a great time, you two.
374
00:19:05,340 --> 00:19:08,165
Oh, my God, thank you.
I can't thank you enough.
375
00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:13,034
I am the greatest wingman of all time.
376
00:19:13,701 --> 00:19:15,846
Ted doesn't know what he's missing.
377
00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:19,314
You had to mention Ted, didn't you?
378
00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:30,347
Okay, I really overreacted
last night. I'm sorry.
379
00:19:31,491 --> 00:19:35,267
Maybe I have some trust issues,
but believe me, I have earned them.
380
00:19:36,581 --> 00:19:40,226
You said that I was looking for a reason
for this whole thing to fall apart.
381
00:19:40,562 --> 00:19:42,645
Well, you're onto me, Ted.
382
00:19:43,362 --> 00:19:46,157
That's actually something
that I do a lot.
383
00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:49,364
But I'm not going to
do that with you.
384
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:51,164
Ted...
385
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:52,654
I'm in.
386
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,667
This is awkward.
I have a girl here.
387
00:20:06,190 --> 00:20:07,295
Come on.
388
00:20:07,502 --> 00:20:10,476
There is something that
I'm ready to do with you.
389
00:20:16,350 --> 00:20:18,405
Ted, this is Lucy.
390
00:20:18,619 --> 00:20:20,616
- Hi, Lucy.
- Lucy, this is Ted.
391
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,715
Stella and I thought our relationship
392
00:20:22,819 --> 00:20:25,047
was going to take
a big step that weekend.
393
00:20:25,150 --> 00:20:28,004
Turned out,
it took an even bigger one.
394
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:36,374
- She's sound asleep.
- Oh. She is so great.
395
00:20:36,949 --> 00:20:38,586
I think so.
396
00:20:39,291 --> 00:20:41,184
So, uh, I was thinking,
397
00:20:41,290 --> 00:20:43,533
my sister is in town
until tomorrow.
398
00:20:43,651 --> 00:20:46,266
And, uh, there's a motel
just down the turnpike.
399
00:20:54,608 --> 00:20:56,713
- Wow, that was amazing!
- Oh, yeah.
400
00:20:57,361 --> 00:20:58,634
What are you doing?
401
00:20:58,740 --> 00:21:01,486
I gotta call Marshall and Lily.
Tell them about this.