1
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I was told I could have another big pancake
2
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or two silver dollar ones.
3
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,350
Yes, Mr. Pilaf.
4
00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:12,920
But, unfortunately, we are
running short on butter...
5
00:00:13,606 --> 00:00:15,666
so it is one pat per person.
6
00:00:16,875 --> 00:00:18,173
Hey, Joel.
7
00:00:18,198 --> 00:00:19,425
I'm late because my ex-wife
8
00:00:19,450 --> 00:00:20,773
called me on my way to work
9
00:00:20,798 --> 00:00:22,498
and it is really hard to talk on my bike.
10
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,253
Carla called? What'd she say?
11
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Well, she's looking for a house-sitter
12
00:00:25,763 --> 00:00:27,363
because she and her new boyfriend, Carl,
13
00:00:27,668 --> 00:00:29,256
want to go to her high school reunion.
14
00:00:29,281 --> 00:00:31,221
Which is also my high school reunion.
15
00:00:31,246 --> 00:00:33,346
But now I won't be going,
since I'll be house-sitting.
16
00:00:33,371 --> 00:00:35,786
Wait, what? N-No. Why
didn't you stand up to her,
17
00:00:35,811 --> 00:00:36,872
you know, and tell her no?
18
00:00:36,897 --> 00:00:39,197
I tried, but it's really hard.
19
00:00:39,304 --> 00:00:41,204
It's like she has this power over me.
20
00:00:42,299 --> 00:00:45,102
- Here you go.
- Irene! You brought me two coffees.
21
00:00:45,127 --> 00:00:47,490
- Yay!
- Yeah.
22
00:00:47,490 --> 00:00:49,330
You look tired.
23
00:00:49,330 --> 00:00:51,351
You know what? Why don't you have one?
24
00:00:51,376 --> 00:00:53,776
Thanks. Such a good friend.
25
00:00:53,801 --> 00:00:55,089
I know.
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00:00:55,114 --> 00:00:57,214
Good morning, teachers,
27
00:00:57,239 --> 00:00:59,807
and thank you for coming to this breakfast
28
00:00:59,832 --> 00:01:01,973
even though it takes time
away from our families,
29
00:01:01,998 --> 00:01:03,728
or in my case, the family of possums
30
00:01:03,753 --> 00:01:05,223
living in my carport.
31
00:01:05,350 --> 00:01:06,980
Here is some good news.
32
00:01:06,980 --> 00:01:09,045
An evaluator from the district
33
00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:10,630
is coming at the end of the week
34
00:01:10,655 --> 00:01:12,025
to assess everyone's performance.
35
00:01:14,644 --> 00:01:16,374
Doug Pilaf, math department.
36
00:01:16,490 --> 00:01:18,260
Why is that good news?
37
00:01:18,260 --> 00:01:19,790
Doug, I know your name.
38
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,315
You've worked here for over 15 years.
39
00:01:21,340 --> 00:01:24,310
And it is good news because
it is an opportunity for us
40
00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:26,335
to convince the school
board not to cut our budget.
41
00:01:26,399 --> 00:01:28,199
Well, the science department
can't take any more cuts.
42
00:01:28,224 --> 00:01:30,254
We've been dissecting the
same frog for, like, two years.
43
00:01:30,279 --> 00:01:31,649
And Meredith has been teaching
44
00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:33,204
the same lesson plan for two months.
45
00:01:33,732 --> 00:01:35,348
Well, we just have to do a good job.
46
00:01:35,373 --> 00:01:37,113
And to do that, we gotta be prepared.
47
00:01:37,138 --> 00:01:39,515
So I will be sitting
in on your classes today
48
00:01:39,540 --> 00:01:41,640
to help identify any weaknesses.
49
00:01:41,850 --> 00:01:44,090
Now, along with the usual criteria,
50
00:01:44,090 --> 00:01:46,050
this year, there is a new category:
51
00:01:46,060 --> 00:01:47,720
"student engagement."
52
00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:49,290
We all know how difficult it is
53
00:01:49,290 --> 00:01:50,860
to keep kids interested,
54
00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:53,443
living in this fast-paced,
flip-phone, DVD world.
55
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This touchy-feely stuff
is crazy. I was taught
56
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by a nun with a yardstick,
and I turned out great.
57
00:01:58,002 --> 00:02:00,872
Yeah, she probably taught you everything
you know about sex, too, right?
58
00:02:00,940 --> 00:02:02,154
But what if the evaluations are bad?
59
00:02:02,179 --> 00:02:03,435
Calm down.
60
00:02:03,460 --> 00:02:05,530
There is no need to get worried.
61
00:02:05,555 --> 00:02:07,834
Unless the school board
has to cut our budget
62
00:02:07,859 --> 00:02:09,899
and start firing teachers. Which is likely.
63
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,091
What?
64
00:02:11,116 --> 00:02:13,346
Guys, relax. I'm sure, if you get fired,
65
00:02:13,371 --> 00:02:15,701
there's, like, a fancy
severance package or, like,
66
00:02:15,726 --> 00:02:18,995
a golden parachutey thing like the CEOs.
67
00:02:19,020 --> 00:02:21,941
It's probably better.
68
00:02:21,966 --> 00:02:23,496
Nope.
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00:02:24,608 --> 00:02:25,878
What?
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00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:48,464
Yo!
71
00:02:50,835 --> 00:02:51,788
Want to cook?
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00:02:51,813 --> 00:02:54,253
He's coming. Principal Carl's coming.
73
00:02:55,060 --> 00:02:58,190
Okay... if you guys are
good for Principal Carl,
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that is 50 Nixon Bucks
75
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:02,100
for each of you.
76
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:03,600
Okay? You can use it at the school store
77
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,000
and you can get, you know, whatever
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00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,370
you kids want. What do you kids want?
79
00:03:06,370 --> 00:03:07,753
Are my parents to get back together.
80
00:03:07,778 --> 00:03:10,734
Hum. Let's talk after class.
'Cause maybe I can counsel your dad.
81
00:03:10,759 --> 00:03:12,459
Guys, that board is not gonna move itself.
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00:03:13,540 --> 00:03:15,640
Vic... here's 100 for you.
83
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:18,632
You know what to do. And we're excited...
84
00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:22,057
And that last bit of knowledge
85
00:03:22,082 --> 00:03:25,022
is why America is the greatest
86
00:03:25,047 --> 00:03:26,547
country in the world.
87
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Because your dreams
88
00:03:28,327 --> 00:03:30,997
can fly higher than a bald eagle
89
00:03:31,022 --> 00:03:33,622
and your goals can soar
90
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:37,007
above the heroes of Mount Rushmore.
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Stop.
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00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:41,721
My God.
93
00:03:41,746 --> 00:03:44,841
Principal Carl! I am so embarrassed.
94
00:03:44,981 --> 00:03:47,311
I had just no idea
95
00:03:47,336 --> 00:03:49,776
you would be here at this exact moment.
96
00:03:49,899 --> 00:03:51,599
Anyway, we are just having
97
00:03:51,780 --> 00:03:53,580
a totally normal class.
98
00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:54,850
And Victor was just about
99
00:03:54,850 --> 00:03:56,480
to discuss our next chapter.
100
00:03:56,490 --> 00:03:59,690
One of the greatest frustrations
for the American colonies
101
00:03:59,690 --> 00:04:01,497
was taxation by the British.
102
00:04:01,522 --> 00:04:02,682
So, is he teaching class?
103
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:05,169
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's
something I read about
104
00:04:05,194 --> 00:04:06,394
in Good Teacher magazine.
105
00:04:06,467 --> 00:04:07,897
What's the technique called?
106
00:04:09,095 --> 00:04:12,365
It's called the Student...
107
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,370
"Makes... the...
108
00:04:17,370 --> 00:04:20,070
Learning... Happen ""
109
00:04:21,310 --> 00:04:23,515
Irene! I have been looking
110
00:04:23,540 --> 00:04:24,910
for you everywhere.
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00:04:25,550 --> 00:04:27,683
Can you cover my class this afternoon?
112
00:04:27,708 --> 00:04:30,368
I have so many papers to grade.
And I just get better work
113
00:04:30,393 --> 00:04:31,980
done at the spa. It's so quiet there.
114
00:04:31,990 --> 00:04:34,390
Yeah. It's my off period anyway, so...
115
00:04:34,390 --> 00:04:36,414
- Great.
- You know, I haven't
116
00:04:36,439 --> 00:04:37,809
heard from you yet on that Evite
117
00:04:37,834 --> 00:04:39,218
for my sister's birthday party.
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00:04:39,295 --> 00:04:42,588
You do not want to miss it. Says
she's getting out of bed this year.
119
00:04:42,764 --> 00:04:45,034
Yeah, I'm still figuring out my schedule.
120
00:04:45,059 --> 00:04:46,729
And my car is in the shop, and...
121
00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:48,754
Speaking of which, can you give
me a ride to school tomorrow?
122
00:04:48,925 --> 00:04:51,365
- No problem.
- Okay, great.
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00:04:51,365 --> 00:04:53,602
Um... we love Meredith,
124
00:04:53,688 --> 00:04:56,248
but your relationship with her seems...
125
00:04:56,365 --> 00:04:57,765
unfair.
126
00:04:57,775 --> 00:04:59,475
I don't understand. What are you saying?
127
00:04:59,475 --> 00:05:01,075
Does she ever bring you breakfast?
128
00:05:01,075 --> 00:05:02,353
Or give you rides?
129
00:05:02,378 --> 00:05:03,678
Or have you over to her place?
130
00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:05,103
Yeah, well, I was just over there
131
00:05:05,128 --> 00:05:06,928
for a hand laundry and ironing party.
132
00:05:06,975 --> 00:05:10,385
Good thing I was, too, or
nobody would have shown up.
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00:05:12,071 --> 00:05:14,355
Okay. Okay.
134
00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:16,513
Hey, the day's almost over.
You gonna make it to the gym,
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00:05:16,538 --> 00:05:17,938
give me a little pre-evaluation feedback?
136
00:05:18,331 --> 00:05:21,282
Nope. Just make sure the
dodge balls are inflated
137
00:05:21,307 --> 00:05:23,277
and nobody's bleeding. You'll do just fine.
138
00:05:23,302 --> 00:05:25,702
Well, I mean, physical
education is-is more than that.
139
00:05:25,795 --> 00:05:28,569
And you know I've been petitioning
to get raises for the coaches
140
00:05:28,594 --> 00:05:30,594
- so that we can do a lot...
- Joel.
141
00:05:30,619 --> 00:05:32,249
The kids love gym.
142
00:05:32,274 --> 00:05:34,144
But let's not overstate its value.
143
00:05:34,289 --> 00:05:36,959
You're kind of like a
glorified recess supervisor,
144
00:05:36,984 --> 00:05:38,614
except recess supervisors make more money.
145
00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,162
Well, I know, that's why I'm fighting...
146
00:05:40,187 --> 00:05:42,945
Joel. I failed one class in my life.
147
00:05:42,945 --> 00:05:45,945
That was gym. Because I
couldn't climb a dumb rope.
148
00:05:45,955 --> 00:05:49,209
But who cares? I still went to Stanford.
149
00:05:49,234 --> 00:05:51,134
Still have my dream job...
150
00:05:51,195 --> 00:05:52,655
and my student loans.
151
00:05:52,655 --> 00:05:54,895
But in six years, I
will be free and clear...
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00:05:54,895 --> 00:05:56,265
of the interest.
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00:05:56,265 --> 00:05:57,725
The point is this:
154
00:05:57,735 --> 00:06:00,795
Gym is the least of my concerns.
Now, keep up the good work.
155
00:06:10,075 --> 00:06:12,305
Whatever you're doing
better be school-related.
156
00:06:12,315 --> 00:06:15,446
It is, unlike all those "missing
cat" fliers you printed last week.
157
00:06:15,471 --> 00:06:18,094
Not only did I never find Noodles,
158
00:06:18,119 --> 00:06:19,959
but thanks to you, the last image
159
00:06:19,984 --> 00:06:21,684
I have of her was a
black-and-white photocopy
160
00:06:21,755 --> 00:06:23,225
with a red penis drawn on it.
161
00:06:23,225 --> 00:06:26,381
I'm guessing that was the first
penis you'd seen in a long time?
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00:06:26,406 --> 00:06:28,476
Good luck with district evaluations.
163
00:06:28,501 --> 00:06:29,871
You've heard the expression
164
00:06:29,896 --> 00:06:31,256
"last in, first out," right?
165
00:06:31,281 --> 00:06:33,041
Only in regards to threesomes.
166
00:06:34,165 --> 00:06:35,895
What do you got there?
167
00:06:35,905 --> 00:06:37,941
What, you're counterfeiting Nixon Bucks?
168
00:06:37,966 --> 00:06:39,226
Are you bribing the students?
169
00:06:39,236 --> 00:06:41,636
- Geez.
- "Bribing" is such an ugly word.
170
00:06:41,636 --> 00:06:43,271
But yeah, I am.
171
00:06:43,296 --> 00:06:44,796
Have you ever heard of the phrase
172
00:06:45,096 --> 00:06:46,513
"last in, first out"?
173
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,430
Yeah. It means, like,
the first person fired
174
00:06:48,430 --> 00:06:50,430
is usually the most
"last recent person hired.
175
00:06:51,987 --> 00:06:53,457
Good afternoon.
176
00:06:53,482 --> 00:06:55,012
I just finished my classroom visits,
177
00:06:55,310 --> 00:06:57,385
and I am not gonna lie to you.
178
00:06:57,410 --> 00:06:58,710
I am nervous.
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00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:01,637
But hopefully, you'll all
rally to save your jobs.
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00:07:01,769 --> 00:07:03,509
Everyone was a little weak,
181
00:07:03,534 --> 00:07:04,934
with one exception.
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00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:08,120
Meredith Davis. Congratulations.
183
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,780
What? Meredith?
184
00:07:10,879 --> 00:07:13,109
Thank you.
185
00:07:15,799 --> 00:07:17,308
Principal Carl,
186
00:07:17,333 --> 00:07:20,092
I have always had the highest evaluations.
187
00:07:20,117 --> 00:07:22,426
I have been Teacher of the
Year for nine years running.
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00:07:22,451 --> 00:07:24,270
I don't mean to add to
the awkwardness, Ginny,
189
00:07:24,270 --> 00:07:25,500
but due to the new criteria,
190
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:26,800
you had the lowest rating.
191
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,070
God.
192
00:07:28,070 --> 00:07:31,394
You're an amazing teacher, but you're
just not holding their interest.
193
00:07:31,419 --> 00:07:33,602
But I have an idea. Meredith?
194
00:07:33,627 --> 00:07:34,867
What would you think about
195
00:07:34,892 --> 00:07:37,562
sitting in on Ginny's history class?
196
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:38,947
Giving her some pointers,
197
00:07:38,972 --> 00:07:40,902
how to liven things up?
198
00:07:41,150 --> 00:07:43,950
Well... well, gosh, I'd be honored.
199
00:07:43,950 --> 00:07:45,117
Thank you for that.
200
00:07:45,142 --> 00:07:46,872
I would just love
201
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,860
to help out my lowest-achieving,
202
00:07:48,860 --> 00:07:53,249
most under-performing, worst
colleague be a little bit less awful.
203
00:07:53,530 --> 00:07:55,130
You know...
204
00:07:55,130 --> 00:07:57,900
maybe the last one in
205
00:07:57,900 --> 00:08:00,370
pushes the first one out.
206
00:08:02,684 --> 00:08:04,154
I'm sorry for the mess.
207
00:08:04,179 --> 00:08:05,909
Haven't had a passenger in a while.
208
00:08:05,934 --> 00:08:07,294
At least not a two-legged one.
209
00:08:07,294 --> 00:08:09,064
Hum, where's my coffee?
210
00:08:09,064 --> 00:08:11,264
Okay, I wanted to talk to
you about something, Meredith.
211
00:08:11,264 --> 00:08:13,034
You know how
212
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,304
intestinal helminths
siphon blood and nutrients
213
00:08:15,304 --> 00:08:16,934
from their host organisms?
214
00:08:16,944 --> 00:08:19,174
I'd be following this a
lot closer if I had coffee.
215
00:08:19,174 --> 00:08:20,974
Okay, do you know what a parasite is?
216
00:08:20,974 --> 00:08:23,702
Parasites are not just
hookworms, flukes or barnacles.
217
00:08:23,727 --> 00:08:26,244
I mean, any species can be a parasite.
218
00:08:26,254 --> 00:08:27,463
Even humans.
219
00:08:27,488 --> 00:08:29,060
Do you have anything to eat in here?
220
00:08:29,093 --> 00:08:31,006
But other organisms,
221
00:08:31,031 --> 00:08:32,561
like undersea tube worms,
222
00:08:32,586 --> 00:08:34,616
or like digestive bacteria, for example,
223
00:08:34,924 --> 00:08:37,494
those have symbiotic relationships.
224
00:08:37,494 --> 00:08:39,824
Where they both buy each other coffee.
225
00:08:39,834 --> 00:08:41,694
Meredith, do you
understand what I'm saying?
226
00:08:41,694 --> 00:08:43,134
Yes!
227
00:08:43,134 --> 00:08:44,304
Great.
228
00:08:44,304 --> 00:08:45,734
I found something.
229
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:47,934
Yeah... Okay.
230
00:08:47,934 --> 00:08:52,974
So I know it's not your thing,
but I want to go to this exhibit
231
00:08:52,974 --> 00:08:54,674
where you see dead bodies in motion.
232
00:08:54,674 --> 00:08:56,474
I'm still totally
233
00:08:56,484 --> 00:08:58,014
trying to figure out my schedule, so...
234
00:08:58,014 --> 00:08:59,384
Okay. No, you're not.
235
00:08:59,384 --> 00:09:01,011
And it's what I want to do.
236
00:09:01,036 --> 00:09:03,096
After school, today, with you.
237
00:09:03,599 --> 00:09:05,359
Fine. But next week after school,
238
00:09:05,384 --> 00:09:07,662
I want to go to traffic court with you...
239
00:09:07,687 --> 00:09:09,635
as my witness. I need you to say that
240
00:09:09,660 --> 00:09:10,930
I was not blocking that driveway,
241
00:09:10,955 --> 00:09:12,125
and that that fire truck
242
00:09:12,150 --> 00:09:13,839
could have easily gone around me.
243
00:09:13,864 --> 00:09:16,964
Okay. It's a symbiotic deal. Great.
244
00:09:16,964 --> 00:09:18,664
After years of war,
245
00:09:18,664 --> 00:09:20,534
starvation and sickness,
246
00:09:20,534 --> 00:09:23,504
the South surrendered,
bringing a decisive end to...
247
00:09:24,974 --> 00:09:27,174
Excuse me.
248
00:09:28,196 --> 00:09:30,566
You think a war that divided our nation
249
00:09:30,591 --> 00:09:32,286
and pitted brother
against brother is boring?
250
00:09:32,311 --> 00:09:33,697
The way you're teaching it.
251
00:09:33,722 --> 00:09:35,925
Well, I'm not gonna take
teaching advice from a woman
252
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:37,580
who taught her class
that President Garfield
253
00:09:37,605 --> 00:09:39,735
loved lasagna. Can you
prove that he didn't?
254
00:09:39,794 --> 00:09:41,585
I don't know what your problem is with me.
255
00:09:41,610 --> 00:09:43,525
I don't know what your problem is with me.
256
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:46,250
Dismissed!
257
00:09:47,194 --> 00:09:49,743
And how are things going in here?
258
00:09:49,768 --> 00:09:51,868
I can't help her. She's too uptight.
259
00:09:52,202 --> 00:09:55,202
I'm too uptight? Well,
you're too down-loose!
260
00:09:55,304 --> 00:09:57,074
I-I mean, you're loose down there.
261
00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:59,304
Okay. Well, maybe this
wasn't such a good idea.
262
00:09:59,329 --> 00:10:02,867
No, it's a great idea... 'cause now I can
take over her class when she gets fired.
263
00:10:02,892 --> 00:10:05,784
Principal Carl, do you see what
I have been putting up with?
264
00:10:05,784 --> 00:10:08,044
And she keeps making those noises!
265
00:10:08,054 --> 00:10:09,914
Actually, I think that was Kim.
266
00:10:11,054 --> 00:10:12,864
Kim!
267
00:10:12,874 --> 00:10:17,069
All right, come on, guys, come
on! Pull! You got this! Pull!
268
00:10:18,064 --> 00:10:20,399
Almost!
269
00:10:20,424 --> 00:10:21,809
I really thought you were
gonna get me that time.
270
00:10:21,834 --> 00:10:23,134
All right, back up. Come on.
271
00:10:23,134 --> 00:10:24,284
Okay, Joel. I get it.
272
00:10:24,309 --> 00:10:26,544
You're an inspiration to us all.
273
00:10:26,569 --> 00:10:27,944
Is that why you called me here?
274
00:10:27,969 --> 00:10:30,009
Because I have things to
do and this place smells
275
00:10:30,034 --> 00:10:32,016
like the inside of my old Malcolm X cap.
276
00:10:32,041 --> 00:10:33,371
I got something for you.
277
00:10:33,514 --> 00:10:35,244
I found the old P.E. rope and hung it up.
278
00:10:35,244 --> 00:10:37,974
Well, I had the janitor hang it
up, but I told him where to put it.
279
00:10:37,984 --> 00:10:39,990
Now I'm gonna teach you
how to get up that rope.
280
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:42,515
Yeah, but I can't climb.
That's why I failed gym.
281
00:10:42,591 --> 00:10:44,021
I can get you up that rope.
282
00:10:44,053 --> 00:10:46,374
Yeah, but I don't want to
get up that rope. I am fine.
283
00:10:46,399 --> 00:10:48,403
Are you fine? You fine, Carl?
284
00:10:48,428 --> 00:10:50,798
'Cause, um, you're
house-sitting for your ex, right?
285
00:10:50,823 --> 00:10:52,993
What does house-sitting have
to do with climbing a rope?
286
00:10:53,018 --> 00:10:54,988
Carl, why do people run marathons?
287
00:10:55,013 --> 00:10:57,113
It's not for the blue toenails
and the bloody nipples, right?
288
00:10:57,164 --> 00:10:59,104
It's to prove to themselves that they can
289
00:10:59,104 --> 00:11:01,004
accomplish something that seems impossible.
290
00:11:01,004 --> 00:11:02,474
Like saying no to Carla.
291
00:11:02,474 --> 00:11:04,334
You don't understand.
I can't say no to her.
292
00:11:04,344 --> 00:11:05,921
She was my life!
293
00:11:07,421 --> 00:11:09,044
Carl, my job is to inspire kids.
294
00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:11,214
Or adults who are scared to do kid things.
295
00:11:11,214 --> 00:11:12,484
I take my job very seriously.
296
00:11:12,484 --> 00:11:13,790
Now, get up that rope! Come on!
297
00:11:13,815 --> 00:11:15,575
I can't!
298
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:19,899
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
299
00:11:20,254 --> 00:11:24,194
And Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln!
300
00:11:25,824 --> 00:11:27,497
That was engaging, right?
301
00:11:27,522 --> 00:11:29,292
Victor, good job.
302
00:11:29,317 --> 00:11:31,217
Your handwriting's so much less girly.
303
00:11:31,242 --> 00:11:33,172
I've been trying. Yeah?
304
00:11:33,197 --> 00:11:35,137
Proud of you!
305
00:11:35,704 --> 00:11:36,678
What do you want?
306
00:11:36,703 --> 00:11:39,063
You're giving a test. Never mind.
307
00:11:40,304 --> 00:11:42,474
What, are yo spying on me now?
308
00:11:42,474 --> 00:11:44,191
No. Just forget it, okay?
309
00:11:44,216 --> 00:11:46,614
Well, if you're not spying on
me, then what are you doing?
310
00:11:46,614 --> 00:11:47,914
You'll just make fun of me.
311
00:11:47,914 --> 00:11:49,014
Probably. Go on.
312
00:11:49,014 --> 00:11:50,714
I don't like you.
313
00:11:50,724 --> 00:11:51,914
Feeling is mutual.
314
00:11:51,924 --> 00:11:54,654
But you are good with the students.
315
00:11:54,654 --> 00:11:55,654
Yeah, I know.
316
00:11:55,654 --> 00:11:57,794
I'm worried about the evaluations.
317
00:11:57,794 --> 00:11:58,854
And?
318
00:11:58,864 --> 00:12:01,294
I need your help.
319
00:12:01,294 --> 00:12:02,564
Why would I help you?
320
00:12:02,564 --> 00:12:05,294
Well, how does a free drink sound?
321
00:12:05,304 --> 00:12:08,164
Like the most exciting night of your life
322
00:12:08,174 --> 00:12:11,374
and the most boring night of mine.
323
00:12:11,374 --> 00:12:13,974
But maybe you're actually
tolerable when you're drunk.
324
00:12:13,974 --> 00:12:16,414
So, okay.
325
00:12:23,452 --> 00:12:24,542
What are the balloons for?
326
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:26,500
So Meredith and I can find each other
327
00:12:26,624 --> 00:12:28,124
at the museum in case we get separated.
328
00:12:28,124 --> 00:12:29,484
Like at that beach clean-up trip
329
00:12:29,494 --> 00:12:31,254
when she ended up on that rich guy's boat.
330
00:12:31,264 --> 00:12:33,094
That was a close one.
331
00:12:33,094 --> 00:12:36,494
Well, I saw Meredith go over to
Juanita's with Ms. Taylor-Clapp.
332
00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:39,194
Yeah, but we're supposed to
be seeing dead bodies together.
333
00:12:46,439 --> 00:12:49,244
Whoa, who knew that you would
be able to keep up with me?
334
00:12:49,244 --> 00:12:51,171
Well, there's a lot
you don't know about me.
335
00:12:51,196 --> 00:12:53,979
Did you know that I like tight
ponytails and cardigan sweaters?
336
00:12:54,004 --> 00:12:57,187
Those are literally the
only things I know about you.
337
00:12:57,954 --> 00:13:01,284
Okay, so, what do you want
to know about teaching?
338
00:13:01,284 --> 00:13:05,754
Well, how do you "engage the kids"?
339
00:13:05,764 --> 00:13:06,924
I bribe 'em.
340
00:13:06,924 --> 00:13:09,364
What...?
341
00:13:09,364 --> 00:13:12,494
I know that I'm really
good at talking to the kids.
342
00:13:12,504 --> 00:13:15,334
Like, maybe even a genius at it.
343
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:19,304
You know, I never expected
to be anything other than
344
00:13:19,304 --> 00:13:22,360
an exceptionally hot woman
with universal sex appeal,
345
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:24,677
and I certainly never expected
346
00:13:24,884 --> 00:13:27,314
to be even remotely good at teaching.
347
00:13:27,314 --> 00:13:31,654
But look at me. Here I am teaching you.
348
00:13:33,139 --> 00:13:34,799
Yes, you are!
349
00:13:35,094 --> 00:13:36,384
And actually,
350
00:13:36,394 --> 00:13:38,254
I really think that I'm gonna kill
351
00:13:38,254 --> 00:13:39,924
at these evaluations tomorrow.
352
00:13:39,924 --> 00:13:41,386
And thank God, right?
353
00:13:41,411 --> 00:13:44,471
Because it's so scary that
just one bad review could
354
00:13:44,496 --> 00:13:45,806
cost you your job, you know?
355
00:13:45,831 --> 00:13:47,331
I know.
356
00:13:48,104 --> 00:13:49,104
Another round?
357
00:13:49,104 --> 00:13:52,774
Anothers... round.
358
00:13:57,444 --> 00:13:58,844
Same thing?
359
00:13:58,844 --> 00:14:01,784
Vodka soda with lime and a water with lime.
360
00:14:07,469 --> 00:14:09,254
Good morning, Nixon Quakers!
361
00:14:09,254 --> 00:14:12,211
Just a reminder, today is evaluation day.
362
00:14:12,236 --> 00:14:15,636
So, hopefully, everyone's
at their very Nixon best.
363
00:14:17,494 --> 00:14:19,164
Crap.
364
00:14:20,616 --> 00:14:23,103
Okay, so I think we better
start without Meredith.
365
00:14:23,403 --> 00:14:25,073
Hopefully, she was just in a car accident.
366
00:14:25,394 --> 00:14:28,872
So, the evaluator
arrived a few minutes ago,
367
00:14:28,897 --> 00:14:32,127
and he has informed me
that we will have our scores
368
00:14:32,152 --> 00:14:33,544
by the end of the day.
369
00:14:33,569 --> 00:14:34,799
So good luck, everyone.
370
00:14:34,939 --> 00:14:36,879
No luck needed, Principal Carl.
371
00:14:37,074 --> 00:14:38,304
All right.
372
00:14:38,304 --> 00:14:40,404
Your ex-wife called, and she asked
373
00:14:40,404 --> 00:14:41,762
that while you're house-sitting,
374
00:14:41,787 --> 00:14:44,447
that you sleep on the pull-out
couch, but don't pull it out
375
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,279
'cause it leaves marks on the carpet.
376
00:14:46,584 --> 00:14:47,985
Got it.
377
00:14:48,010 --> 00:14:49,840
Do you want me to get
her on the phone for you?
378
00:14:49,984 --> 00:14:51,541
Not yet.
379
00:15:00,324 --> 00:15:02,264
Coach Kotsky...
380
00:15:02,264 --> 00:15:03,905
get me up that rope.
381
00:15:07,904 --> 00:15:10,530
My God, Irene, thank God. Is that for me?
382
00:15:10,555 --> 00:15:12,195
I saw you with Ginny.
383
00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:13,950
- She needed me.
- I needed you!
384
00:15:13,975 --> 00:15:16,781
They don't let singles into the dead
body exhibit for obvious reasons.
385
00:15:16,806 --> 00:15:18,723
Okay, well, I meant to text you
386
00:15:18,748 --> 00:15:20,248
that I was "coming down with something,"
387
00:15:20,273 --> 00:15:22,643
and then she and I got
so drunk, I just forgot.
388
00:15:22,765 --> 00:15:25,035
Really? Ginny doesn't even drink.
389
00:15:25,184 --> 00:15:26,223
Wait... what?
390
00:15:26,248 --> 00:15:27,548
Yeah, not even champagne.
391
00:15:27,573 --> 00:15:29,243
She celebrates stuff with corked milk.
392
00:15:29,268 --> 00:15:32,168
That sneaky bitch must have
been ordering herself waters!
393
00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:35,593
We cannot let her win.
Irene, you have to help me.
394
00:15:35,692 --> 00:15:37,592
You know, I didn't want to believe it,
395
00:15:37,694 --> 00:15:39,494
but you are a parasite.
396
00:15:43,834 --> 00:15:45,635
Yo, Pfaff!
397
00:15:45,717 --> 00:15:49,117
Can you, um, tell me when
that evaluator guy is coming?
398
00:15:49,429 --> 00:15:51,299
I will make it worth your while.
399
00:15:51,526 --> 00:15:53,126
Those things are worthless now.
400
00:15:53,151 --> 00:15:55,743
There was a hyperinflation
at the school store, and...
401
00:15:55,768 --> 00:15:57,308
Shh! I get it, I get it.
402
00:15:58,918 --> 00:16:00,261
Ms. Davis?
403
00:16:00,304 --> 00:16:03,064
You must be the evaluator.
404
00:16:03,376 --> 00:16:07,929
Well, I just didn't realize
how sexy you would be.
405
00:16:07,954 --> 00:16:10,184
I'm Mr. Bright, the district supervisor,
406
00:16:10,209 --> 00:16:12,569
and I'm completely aware
that my looks are average.
407
00:16:12,901 --> 00:16:15,401
That's okay.
408
00:16:15,504 --> 00:16:19,674
I know you must be thinking,
"District supervisor.
409
00:16:19,699 --> 00:16:21,729
"Kind of like a superhero.
410
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:23,480
A little intimidating."
411
00:16:23,505 --> 00:16:25,105
Well, just relax.
412
00:16:25,130 --> 00:16:27,470
I'm-I'm a regular guy, believe it or not.
413
00:16:27,495 --> 00:16:29,364
And I'm here to watch a regular class.
414
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,749
Great. So happy to have you. Welcome.
415
00:16:32,050 --> 00:16:35,080
We're gonna get started
with this thing I do
416
00:16:35,105 --> 00:16:37,175
where a student teaches the class.
417
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,986
You're gonna love it. Victor,
418
00:16:39,073 --> 00:16:41,243
floor is yours.
419
00:16:41,564 --> 00:16:43,024
Today, I will talk about why
420
00:16:43,034 --> 00:16:45,444
the American colonies
declared independence.
421
00:16:45,469 --> 00:16:48,039
Okay, young man, have a seat.
422
00:16:48,434 --> 00:16:50,957
Ms. Davis, I can't do my job unless
423
00:16:50,982 --> 00:16:52,642
you're the one doing the teaching.
424
00:16:54,874 --> 00:16:56,074
You're funny.
425
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:57,792
It wasn't a joke.
426
00:16:57,817 --> 00:17:00,237
You'll know when I'm joking.
You'll be in stitches.
427
00:17:00,414 --> 00:17:02,385
Sorry, was that a joke?
428
00:17:05,263 --> 00:17:07,954
I'm gonna need you to teach this class now.
429
00:17:09,345 --> 00:17:12,185
Joel, this is impossible! I'm too high!
430
00:17:12,294 --> 00:17:14,254
No, come on, Carl! You
got this, baby! Keep going!
431
00:17:14,264 --> 00:17:16,068
I can't!
432
00:17:16,093 --> 00:17:18,369
I quit! No, no, no!
433
00:17:18,394 --> 00:17:20,154
Remember, it's just scoop and stomp!
434
00:17:20,179 --> 00:17:22,219
Scoop, okay? And stomp.
435
00:17:22,504 --> 00:17:25,874
Then you stand. Scoop and stomp, all right?
436
00:17:25,874 --> 00:17:27,904
You got this. Come on. Look up there, Carl.
437
00:17:27,904 --> 00:17:29,777
What do you see? A wasp nest?
438
00:17:29,802 --> 00:17:31,702
No, freedom. Now, climb
up there and grab it.
439
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:33,307
Just watch out for the wasps
440
00:17:33,332 --> 00:17:35,527
because, you know, Coach
Donnie sold our first-aid kit.
441
00:17:35,552 --> 00:17:36,614
Okay.
442
00:17:36,614 --> 00:17:40,309
Well, so, basically,
like, long story short,
443
00:17:40,405 --> 00:17:42,945
the American colonies were paying
444
00:17:43,024 --> 00:17:48,124
all these taxes to the king
and getting nothing in return.
445
00:17:48,124 --> 00:17:50,664
Like, nothing...
446
00:17:50,664 --> 00:17:53,092
at all. Like, zilch.
447
00:17:53,307 --> 00:17:55,860
Okay, I think we get it.
Would you please move on?
448
00:17:55,885 --> 00:17:57,515
Sure, yeah-yeah. No,
I was just about to get
449
00:17:57,540 --> 00:18:01,227
to the next point, which was that...
that the king was like, "-denied!
450
00:18:01,355 --> 00:18:03,555
No way, Jose."
451
00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:09,962
So, Mr. Evaluator, it was,
like, a pretty sucky time
452
00:18:10,054 --> 00:18:11,744
for the colonists.
453
00:18:11,754 --> 00:18:13,554
Um...
454
00:18:16,324 --> 00:18:18,912
Because the king was a parasite.
455
00:18:18,937 --> 00:18:22,047
You know, something that
lives off another thing?
456
00:18:22,072 --> 00:18:27,942
The king was like a hookworm
on the intestine of America.
457
00:18:28,134 --> 00:18:31,004
And the colonists were, like, totally right
458
00:18:31,004 --> 00:18:32,934
to want to declare independence, you know?
459
00:18:32,934 --> 00:18:35,804
Because all they really wanted
460
00:18:35,804 --> 00:18:38,809
was a symbiotic relationship.
461
00:18:41,319 --> 00:18:42,995
Can you name another parasite?
462
00:18:43,020 --> 00:18:44,232
Illegal immigrants.
463
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:47,387
What?! He's joking.
464
00:18:47,412 --> 00:18:48,957
He's joke... he's joking.
465
00:18:48,982 --> 00:18:51,312
Stand up! Yeah!
466
00:18:51,337 --> 00:18:54,237
I'm doing it! I am doing it!
467
00:18:54,262 --> 00:18:55,492
See? This is why I do this.
468
00:18:55,517 --> 00:18:56,957
This is what I wanted you to evaluate.
469
00:18:56,982 --> 00:18:58,142
I get it. I do.
470
00:18:58,167 --> 00:19:00,897
Physical education does matter, right?
471
00:19:02,664 --> 00:19:05,164
Hoops have nets. Good enough.
472
00:19:06,358 --> 00:19:07,628
Come on. Really?
473
00:19:07,653 --> 00:19:09,723
Okay, all right, I'm calling Carla.
474
00:19:13,645 --> 00:19:15,145
I got here voice mail.
475
00:19:15,170 --> 00:19:16,170
Leave a message.
476
00:19:16,195 --> 00:19:17,965
Hello, Carla? This is Carl.
477
00:19:18,284 --> 00:19:21,472
I'm calling to tell you to get
yourself a new house-sitter.
478
00:19:21,552 --> 00:19:23,082
And dog-sitter.
479
00:19:23,107 --> 00:19:24,737
I'm busy with my new life.
480
00:19:24,762 --> 00:19:26,122
I climb ropes now.
481
00:19:26,147 --> 00:19:28,487
Okay, now, get on down here
so we can celebrate! Come on!
482
00:19:31,064 --> 00:19:32,321
Ladies and gentlemen,
483
00:19:32,346 --> 00:19:34,686
the district evaluator's results are in,
484
00:19:34,894 --> 00:19:36,806
and Nixon Middle...
485
00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:39,337
needs improvement! Your jobs are safe!
486
00:19:41,057 --> 00:19:43,927
Doug Pilaf, math department.
What about the budget cuts?
487
00:19:43,952 --> 00:19:45,622
I just heard from the superintendent,
488
00:19:45,647 --> 00:19:47,394
and they're still making cuts.
489
00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:49,859
They're getting rid of the
art program at LBJ Middle!
490
00:19:51,088 --> 00:19:53,688
Those smug bastards! Yeah!
491
00:19:58,341 --> 00:20:00,641
Meredith...
492
00:20:01,094 --> 00:20:02,587
I really liked your parasites lecture.
493
00:20:02,612 --> 00:20:04,052
Thanks. And, you know, if you want
494
00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:05,807
to go see dead bodies, like, we can.
495
00:20:05,966 --> 00:20:07,466
No, no. It was... it was just more
496
00:20:07,491 --> 00:20:08,521
about spending time together.
497
00:20:08,546 --> 00:20:10,776
Dead bodies, just a bonus.
498
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:16,113
Look. How was your water last night?
499
00:20:16,138 --> 00:20:18,422
I didn't force you to drink so much vodka
500
00:20:18,447 --> 00:20:21,430
or to make out with that poster of
"The Most Interesting Man in the World."
501
00:20:21,455 --> 00:20:24,422
No, you didn't, but you did
try to sabotage my evaluation.
502
00:20:24,504 --> 00:20:27,004
Which means you were scared I
was gonna do better than you.
503
00:20:27,029 --> 00:20:30,573
Which means... someone
thinks I'm a good teacher.
504
00:20:30,598 --> 00:20:31,668
No, I don't.
505
00:20:31,693 --> 00:20:32,893
Boom!
506
00:20:33,290 --> 00:20:34,426
I do.
507
00:20:34,451 --> 00:20:35,490
Kim!
508
00:20:37,467 --> 00:20:40,610
This is definitely the best hand laundry
and ironing party you have ever had.
509
00:20:40,635 --> 00:20:43,344
I know. Irene, you were so right.
510
00:20:43,369 --> 00:20:45,629
This is so much more fun being equals.
511
00:20:45,977 --> 00:20:47,767
Refill?
512
00:20:47,792 --> 00:20:49,692
Don't mind if I do.
513
00:20:50,051 --> 00:20:51,539
Kim, another round!
514
00:20:51,790 --> 00:20:55,238
Sure. But... I think I shrunk your sweater.
515
00:20:55,239 --> 00:20:57,099
- Kim!
- Coming right up.
516
00:20:57,100 --> 00:20:59,220
- ***
- ***
517
00:20:59,221 --> 00:21:00,947
- Kim!
- Kim!
518
00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:09,717
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