Daddy, we're so happy you and Joe won't be around this weekend.
Really?
You know, if you weren't so adorable, I'd give you a wet willy.
What's that?
Am I supposed to not like that?
I am so excited.
I've been so busy working that I haven't been able to spend any quality time,
so this weekend I'm taking the girls on a stay-cation
right here in lady town, chick city, gal-ville.
She-attle.
Portland.
Maybe I don't get it.
I don't get it either, but you're making it a whole lot easier
for me to leave this house.
It's gonna be great.
Can't wait to get my Junior Explorer merit badge.
'Cause chicks dig the badge.
Do they really, Joe?
Well, hey, I can tell you one thing, sweetie, mommies dig the badge.
Yeah, mom, not really what I was going for.
Have fun, and don't get eaten by bigfoot.
Ha, good one.
Dad?
Bigfoot's not real, Joe.
Bigfoot's not real, right, Kevin?
No.
Oh, that must be the van.
I'm gonna go say hi to my troop.
All right.
David, I'm concerned.
Bigfoot is real. I knew it.
No, about you camping.
It's not up to your luxurious standards.
I mean, let's be real here.
Even the word "motel" makes you break out in hives.
You had to say "motel."
Right now I'm starting to get itchy, Kevin.
I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
You mind if I take a nap over here?
Is that dog keeping you up at night still?
Not exactly.
My wife, Alicia, thought the dog was lonely, so she bought it a parrot.
Now the dog is sleeping like a baby,
but the parrot is up all night howling like a dog.
Rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr- rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr!
Ah, I'm exhausted!
Hey, dad, you remember our troop leader, Burwick.
- Yeah, hey, man, how are you? - Hey.
Nature boy, you know how to shut up a parrot?
Yeah, what kind?
Rain forest's got dozens of varieties.
You got your cockatiels, your Indian ringnecks, your buff-faced pygmies...
oh, no, no, no, suddenly the parrot isn't so annoying.
I got to take a nap.
Who's ready to tango with mother nature?
Well, they asked me to do dancing with the stars once,
if that's what you mean.
I do not know what that is.
You know what, I got a cooler here of celebratory steaks,
okay, for my son, Joe.
I mean, it's not every day he gets his survival merit badge.
Whoa, whoa, easy, bro.
We're going off the grid.
There's no cell phones, no bottled water, no steaks.
Didn't you read the manual?
Might have sed it. Mm
Yep, we're just bringing the clothes on our backs
so we know what it's like to live off the land,
build our own shelter, and forage our own food.
Forage?
That's how we earn our Junior Explorer survival merit badges,
and chicks dig the badge.
Do they really, Burwick?
Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen www.addic7ed.com
Remember, boys, water is life.
What do we say about hydration?
Three "S" s? Anybody?
- Sip, save, and survive. - That's right.
These bees keep following me.
Must be the three "H" s of grooming.
Anybody?
Hot honey hair treatment.
Attaboy, son.
That's all you need to survive in the jungle called Hollywood.
This is gonna be fun being away from the comforts of home, roughing it.
Where's the men's room?
Look around, bro.
Nature's your toilet now.
If you need to drop a deuce, you do it behind a tree.
Use these leaves as toilet paper just like the manual says.
Maybe I can just use the manual.
This is so cool.
I've never taken a nature poop before.
I have...
If you count the off-ramp of the 405.
What?
Too many dodger dogs.
Kevin, I can't do this.
This is much worse than a motel.
I'm here for you, David, literally.
Walk to your right.
And you're walking, and you're walking...
What is this?
It's the backdrop from our camping episode, "See Dad pitch a tent."
My trailer!
Kevin, this is genius.
Hey, David.
Oh.
Guy, from props on our show.
He's here to make your time in the woods a little more comfortable.
For starters, I rigged an electronic bug zapper
that goes around the entire campsite, boss.
Aah!
Okay, David, we're gonna stay out of sight,
but remember, if you need us, you can use the secret signal.
Caw-caw!
Kev... Kevin, I'm just gonna throw a rock, okay?
- Okay, yeah, that's cool. - All right.
I love my new pierced ears, Emily.
Now I'm just like you.
Nah, you rock Spongebob pajamas way better than I do.
I can't wait to show mommy.
Cover them up.
Surprise her.
Hey, guys.
I'm so sorry I had to run to work during our shopping extravaganza,
but I'm all yours.
Train's back on track.
Next stop, Sacra-no-men-to.
Miss-sis-ippi.
Ah!
I see you got those hoops you wanted.
Yes, and speaking of earrings, guess who...
Oh, my gosh! That's it.
That's the next stop on our girls' weekend.
Let's get Janie's ears pierced.
Oh, just like we did when you were her age.
Remember that?
That was such a special mother-daughter moment.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna call Kat.
Remember she did yours? Oh, great idea.
Go call her, and then we can have dinner in Mali-boobs.
All right, Janie, we cannot tell mom we got your ears pierced.
It'll break her heart.
You said "boobs."
First step towards earning your badge is fire.
Without fire, there's no food.
No food, you die.
You die, no badge, and that is the worst fate of all.
I beg to differ there, bro.
Dying on television is a nightmare.
Noted.
I'm gonna go grab some kindling.
Explorers, let's get to sparking, huh?
This is ridiculous.
Yeah, when are we gonna find ourselves in the woods needing to make a fire?
Now.
Uh, yeah, boys, why don't we try a little acting exercise here, okay?
This always works for me.
Let's just... I want you all to close your eyes... there you go.
And just try to visualize something hot.
Okay?
You got it?
You picturing it in your head?
There we go.
Okay.
Whoa, Joe!
It worked.
Wow, nice job.
All right.
Now that Joe-bro's given us fire,
it's time to start building our shelters for the night.
Joe, why don't you take a lead on that, and Dave,
I think you should probably build your own lean-to
unless you got a trailer hidden out here.
Man, our lean-to stinks.
There's no way Burwick is gonna think this thing is badge worthy.
Gentlemen, can I make a suggestion here?
You know what I think you should do?
You should go down to the river and find some nice decorative rocks.
Decorative rocks?
Absolutely.
Let's spruce it up a little bit.
You know what the key to survival is, right after water?
Ambience.
Come on, guys. Come on.
Come on, hop to it.
Let's go, go, go, go, go.
Attaboy.
Come on.
Hello?
Oh, hey. Hey, baby, yes.
I was taking a nap over at David's.
Yes, I can get some dog food for the parrot.
You know, I think this bird is taking it too far.
I'll be right home.
Okay.
Or not.
Uh...
Wow, you were right, dad.
These decorative rocks make it look completely different.
The power of ambience.
Whoa, killer lean-to.
You're really getting a knack for this, Joe-bro.
This is awesome, dad, and it all happened because you taught me
that if I believe in myself, anything's possible.
Sure. Let's go with that for now.
All right. All right.
I may be lost, but lucky for me, I have my map app.
To my beautiful, sweet Janie.
Here's to your first piercing and hopefully your last.
Oh, I got it.
Hi, Kat. Hey.
Did you get my text?
Don't worry, I got your back.
I got my guns a-blazing, ladies, so let's do this.
Janie, sweetie, are you ready? Okay?
Janie, take off your hat.
Oh, she can leave her hat on.
That's the way the kids do it these days.
Um, Amy? Yeah?
Doll, you're hovering.
I'm an artist.
Oh, all right. Point taken.
You know, this is just a really big first for me,
so, um, yeah, backing off, okay?
All righty then. Okay.
Done... Yay!
With ear one.
Yes, there we go.
They're already pierced?
It's a miracle.
It went right through.
Ha!
Emily.
I'm sorry, mom.
When you were at work, I got Janie's ears pierced.
Oh.
Oh, well, that's totally fine.
You got her ears pierced without me.
Um, I just need a second to get over it.
Okay, maybe more than a second.
I'm sure we can come up with another first.
I do tattoos.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay, thanks for coming. - Oh, all righty then.
Hey, dad?
Do you think these fish will feed us all?
Um, absolutely, Joe.
You know what, why don't you go back down to the river
and get the rest of the troop while I scale them?
Okay.
All right.
There you go, boys.
They looked so much smaller when I reeled them in.
Yeah, well, you know, once you take the skin off them,
there's nothing to stop them from plumping up.
Do I smell cookies?
And guy will have your electric massage pad powered up in a second.
So this is how you've been surviving in the wilderness?
Joe, I'm not going to lie to you, son, so...
I just need a minute to figure out what I want to say.
Joe, you wanted this merit badge so bad that, yeah,
I-I started the fire for you, and I built a lean-to,
and I plumped up your tiny, little, skinny fish.
You mean I didn't do any of those things?
Oh, I thought you'd connected the dots.
Joe, I know you're really upset, but those cookies are for David.
It's okay, Kevin.
Joe, you have every right to be mad at me.
Mad?
This is genius.
At first I was excited to come here, but camping's really hard.
But if we keep Kevin and your crew, I'm guaranteed to get my badge.
So you want to take the easy way out?
Duh.
Just like you, dad.
Uh, Joe, you know what, I don't think that's a good idea,
and I'll tell you why.
Because you came up here not just to get a badge,
you came up here to earn a badge, right?
So I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm going to send Kevin home first thing in the morning, okay?
They're gone.
But tonight we vibrate.
Oh-oh.
Thanks, dad.
Girls, I think I've got it!
Remember, whatever idea she has, act excited.
Now I know our plans haven't gone great, but I have an idea for another first.
Let's watch the "Royal Mermaid".
What a great idea.
Even though it's animated, it's got some scary parts,
so I didn't want to show it to you
until you were ready, but you're gonna love it.
I'll make some popcorn.
I know I'm gonna love it...
'Cause I've seen it 26 times.
All right, explorers, today is the culmination of all you have learned.
There is only one thing standing between you and your survival merit badge,
and that is a 12-mile hike with nothing but water and know-how.
Oh, lord.
Now, I, on the other hand.
Will have to stay back at base camp
tending to young Sam here who claims to have a "rash."
Frankly, I don't see it.
This expedition's gonna be led by Joe Hobbs,
who clearly understands the meaning of survival.
I'm handing you the compass.
We'll see you before sundown.
Come on, Sam.
Dad, we can't do this.
Say something.
What?
You'll be fine, Joe.
Dad, Burwick said not to eat berries you can't identify.
I've been eating them all morning.
They're Berry good.
Yeah, but some berries can make your mind play tricks.
- Well... - That's what the manual said.
Not the part I skimmed, fitzy.
All right, guys, come on. Let's start hoofing it.
Yeah.
Hee-hee.
Yee-haw! Whoo!
Come on, guys. Coming through.
Coming through.
Dad, we're lost.
What does the compass say?
Let's have a look-see.
Save yourself.
Leave the boys.
Nothing.
I'll be right back.
- Dad, where are you going? - Nowhere.
Mr. Hobbs, we've been going in circles for two hours.
Yeah, this is the third time we've passed this stupid rock.
Hey, I happen to like this rock, Elliot, and he's not stupid.
What?
Don't listen to them, rocky.
Thank you, David.
By the way, your hair looks fabulous.
Oh, you rock, rock.
Joe, what's wrong with your dad?
Think he ate too many berries.
I'm fine, Joe.
Kids.
Mm, what a great first.
Oh, I can still picture you and me watching it, Eem, like it was yesterday.
It was yesterday.
Oops.
How do you know that song?
Because she's a little genius is how.
This isn't the first time you've seen the "Royal Mermaid", is it, Janie?
Well, it's the first time I've seen it with you, mommy.
Aw.
I'm sorry.
I watched it with her.
Wow.
It's just since you've been back at work,
I've had so much fun doing things with Janie that you used to do with me.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, don't be.
You're a great big sis.
Oh, this is my favorite part of the movie.
Doesn't mommy sound good?
Mommy had to take singing lessons for this.
Ooh, lots and lots of singing lessons.
Wait.
That's you singing?
Yeah.
You didn't tell her it was me?
I thought she knew.
You're the beautiful mermaid, mommy?
This is so cool.
I can't wait to tell my friends that we're royalty.
I think you just shared a new first.
I think I did, yes.
Okay, rock, paper, scissors one more time.
You ready? One, two, three, shoot.
I win again.
It's like you're in my head.
Dad, stop choosing scissors.
All right, I'm ready. One...
there you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you, David.
Woodland creature!
David.
He even knows my name.
Go for the eyes.
Go for the eyes!
The eyes.
Can't see.
Hungry!
What's that?
Oh, I'm hungry!
Hungry!
Oh, ow, ow!
It's Bigfoot!
I'll take care of this.
Sasquatch and me are both celebrities.
No, save yourself, David.
I got this.
Joe, where's your dad going?
Don't worry, he'll end up back at the rock.
So once I convinced dad that Kevin wasn't a woodland creature...
And I wasn't bigfoot.
I remembered what you taught me.
I found some river rocks, followed them down to the water,
followed the current downstream, and here we are, back at our campsite.
Well, congratulations, little bro.
You really stepped up when it mattered and earned your merit badge.
All of you did.
Yeah.
And, David, I think this is the beginning of a lifelong friendship.
Yeah, I don't see it.
Joe, I'm really proud of you.
I am. Thanks, dad.
But I don't believe for a second that I was talking to a rock.
Elliot?
Oh, wow.