1
00:00:06,571 --> 00:00:08,738
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
2
00:00:08,773 --> 00:00:10,407
(grunts)
3
00:00:10,441 --> 00:00:11,641
What the...?!
4
00:00:14,512 --> 00:00:17,180
Well, this is a no-brainer.
5
00:00:19,250 --> 00:00:20,584
Woo-hoo!
6
00:00:21,986 --> 00:00:23,453
D'oh!
7
00:00:24,922 --> 00:00:26,556
D'oh!
8
00:00:28,059 --> 00:00:29,192
D'oh!
9
00:00:30,728 --> 00:00:31,962
D'oh!
10
00:00:33,965 --> 00:00:36,733
D'oh! D'oh!
11
00:00:36,767 --> 00:00:38,235
D'oh!
12
00:00:39,036 --> 00:00:41,371
D'oh! D'oh!
13
00:00:41,405 --> 00:00:42,806
D'oh!
14
00:00:46,811 --> 00:00:48,745
(groans)
Now what?
15
00:00:48,779 --> 00:00:50,146
(screams)
16
00:00:50,147 --> 00:00:54,147
♪ The Simpsons 25x21 ♪
Pay Pal
Original Air Date on May 11, 2014
17
00:00:54,148 --> 00:00:58,048
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
18
00:00:58,055 --> 00:01:00,023
(Marge humming)
19
00:01:05,129 --> 00:01:07,130
♪ ♪
20
00:01:09,833 --> 00:01:10,900
(laughing)
21
00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:38,661
♪ ♪
22
00:01:52,243 --> 00:01:52,942
(whirring)
23
00:01:52,977 --> 00:01:54,944
Mom, it's not funny
24
00:01:54,979 --> 00:01:56,913
if I can't hear the cats
drown in their own barf.
25
00:01:56,947 --> 00:01:59,082
(screaming)
26
00:02:00,117 --> 00:02:01,484
(whirring louder)
27
00:02:01,518 --> 00:02:03,386
(retching continues louder)
28
00:02:03,420 --> 00:02:07,056
Why can't kids still watch
Captain Kangaroo?!
29
00:02:07,091 --> 00:02:08,391
Culture's in decline.
Deal with it.
30
00:02:08,425 --> 00:02:09,659
(groans):
Oh!
31
00:02:09,693 --> 00:02:12,095
(whirring louder)
32
00:02:12,129 --> 00:02:14,130
(laughs)
Yay! A mess!
33
00:02:14,164 --> 00:02:16,466
Ooh! Can I lick the ceiling?
(groans): Oh.
34
00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:19,602
I was making that cake
for the block party today.
35
00:02:19,637 --> 00:02:21,738
Now there's no choice
but to go...
36
00:02:21,772 --> 00:02:23,473
store-bought.
37
00:02:24,675 --> 00:02:26,776
(humming)
38
00:02:33,384 --> 00:02:35,351
(over P.A.):
I need a price check on
39
00:02:35,386 --> 00:02:37,887
Gramma Shortcut's
Store-bought Bundt Cake.
40
00:02:37,921 --> 00:02:39,188
(crowd gasps)
41
00:02:42,026 --> 00:02:43,293
Keep it!
42
00:02:43,327 --> 00:02:45,128
Let's go!
43
00:02:46,163 --> 00:02:47,797
We've got some put-backs.
44
00:02:47,831 --> 00:02:49,499
Roger dodger, boss.
45
00:02:49,533 --> 00:02:51,868
Hey, don't turn
old man on me.
46
00:02:51,902 --> 00:02:53,703
You know, I used
to be the buyer
47
00:02:53,737 --> 00:02:55,471
for the whole chain--
71 stores.
48
00:02:55,506 --> 00:02:56,939
You heard of the A&P?
49
00:02:56,974 --> 00:02:58,775
Well, we used
to be the J&G.
50
00:02:58,809 --> 00:03:02,178
♪ You like what you see
at the J&G ♪
51
00:03:02,212 --> 00:03:05,381
♪ They're used to be three,
but we lost the "Z" and... ♪
52
00:03:05,416 --> 00:03:07,784
If I make out with you,
will you shut up?
53
00:03:07,818 --> 00:03:09,819
Ah, give it a shot.
(moans)
54
00:03:09,853 --> 00:03:12,121
You know, we used to
give out gray stamps.
55
00:03:12,156 --> 00:03:13,623
Remember green stamps?
56
00:03:13,657 --> 00:03:14,857
Ours was gray.
57
00:03:20,030 --> 00:03:22,532
Attention block
party losers!
58
00:03:22,566 --> 00:03:24,901
We are Ear Poison!
59
00:03:24,935 --> 00:03:28,104
(electric guitar riff plays)
60
00:03:28,138 --> 00:03:31,941
♪ There were bells
on a hill ♪
61
00:03:31,975 --> 00:03:36,145
♪ But I never
heard them ringing ♪
62
00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:37,180
♪ No, I never... ♪
63
00:03:39,316 --> 00:03:40,416
(gasps)
64
00:03:40,451 --> 00:03:42,051
(British accent):
We must have the same recipe.
65
00:03:42,086 --> 00:03:43,753
Drive to store,
buy cheap cake,
66
00:03:43,787 --> 00:03:44,987
serves them right.
67
00:03:45,022 --> 00:03:46,489
Booth Wilkes-John.
68
00:03:46,523 --> 00:03:48,725
My wife and I
just moved here from London.
69
00:03:48,759 --> 00:03:50,326
Marge Simpson.
70
00:03:50,361 --> 00:03:52,929
Congratulations on
Little King George.
71
00:03:52,963 --> 00:03:56,132
Well, Marge, my wife and I
are hosting a get-to-know-you
72
00:03:56,166 --> 00:03:59,936
game night on Saturday next-- or
as you call it, next Saturday.
73
00:03:59,970 --> 00:04:01,904
Ooh! Game night?
74
00:04:01,939 --> 00:04:03,573
You know? Adult games.
75
00:04:03,607 --> 00:04:07,510
Well, not "adult games,"
fun games, like Charades--
76
00:04:07,544 --> 00:04:09,479
or as you call it,
Pictionary.
77
00:04:09,513 --> 00:04:11,147
It sounds like fun.
78
00:04:11,181 --> 00:04:13,049
I'll just tell Homer and...
79
00:04:14,952 --> 00:04:16,586
Homer,
for the last time,
80
00:04:16,620 --> 00:04:17,920
do not drink
the Yahtzee dice.
81
00:04:17,955 --> 00:04:19,021
Fine.
82
00:04:19,056 --> 00:04:20,757
(grunts)
83
00:04:20,791 --> 00:04:22,191
Ooh! Doubles.
84
00:04:22,226 --> 00:04:24,427
Mm, I don't know.
85
00:04:24,461 --> 00:04:27,530
We have church the next morning,
starts at 11:00.
86
00:04:27,564 --> 00:04:29,399
Oh, we're going
to the game night.
87
00:04:29,433 --> 00:04:31,567
Moving church
to Monday afternoon.
88
00:04:31,602 --> 00:04:33,102
(groans)
89
00:04:33,137 --> 00:04:35,838
Well, if you change your mind,
please let us know.
90
00:04:35,873 --> 00:04:37,673
We could become
"couples friends."
91
00:04:37,708 --> 00:04:40,977
Now, let me try some of
Ned Flanders' No Alarm Chili.
92
00:04:41,011 --> 00:04:42,912
You'll only taste
the spoon.
93
00:04:42,946 --> 00:04:43,980
Brilliant.
94
00:04:46,583 --> 00:04:48,584
Why don't we have
any couples friends?
95
00:04:48,619 --> 00:04:49,786
(groans)
96
00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:53,256
Because...
couples friends are a myth,
97
00:04:53,290 --> 00:04:55,892
started by restaurants
with tables for four.
98
00:04:55,926 --> 00:04:57,627
I want friends!
99
00:04:57,661 --> 00:04:58,961
Any friends.
100
00:04:58,996 --> 00:05:00,196
Okay, sweetie.
101
00:05:00,230 --> 00:05:01,364
I'll call the Van Houtens.
102
00:05:01,398 --> 00:05:02,965
Not the Van Houtens.
But...
103
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,301
They're always bragging
about their trip to Rome.
104
00:05:05,335 --> 00:05:08,070
It was 12 years ago,
and it was a layover.
105
00:05:08,105 --> 00:05:09,939
I want new friends.
106
00:05:09,973 --> 00:05:11,641
LISA: Can I make
an observation?
107
00:05:11,675 --> 00:05:13,543
I'm okay with
no friends.
108
00:05:13,577 --> 00:05:15,278
It's easier to focus,
109
00:05:15,312 --> 00:05:18,881
and it'll give me great material
for whatever art form I choose.
110
00:05:18,916 --> 00:05:21,417
Right now,
I'm thinking long novella.
111
00:05:21,452 --> 00:05:22,452
Good night.
112
00:05:22,486 --> 00:05:25,721
Okay with no friends?
113
00:05:25,756 --> 00:05:27,657
That's the saddest thing
I can imagine
114
00:05:27,691 --> 00:05:29,225
my daughter saying to me.
115
00:05:29,259 --> 00:05:30,593
BART:
I can think of worse.
116
00:05:30,627 --> 00:05:32,094
The saddest thing would be
117
00:05:32,129 --> 00:05:33,796
if you were driving
and texting Lisa
118
00:05:33,831 --> 00:05:35,331
and you hit her.
119
00:05:35,365 --> 00:05:38,100
And the last thing she
texted before she died was,
120
00:05:38,135 --> 00:05:40,102
"I got your message."
121
00:05:40,137 --> 00:05:41,637
Good night.
122
00:05:43,774 --> 00:05:45,741
Well, they all
make good points.
123
00:05:45,776 --> 00:05:48,978
ANNOUNCER:
And now, the moment of truth
124
00:05:49,012 --> 00:05:50,513
on Topiary Wars.
125
00:05:59,356 --> 00:06:03,893
This Taj Mahal should be
floated down the Ganges.
126
00:06:03,927 --> 00:06:05,228
I'm sorry, Cathy.
127
00:06:05,262 --> 00:06:06,662
Turn in your shears and ladders.
128
00:06:06,697 --> 00:06:09,565
Come and get 'em!
(laughs maniacally)
129
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:10,800
(grunting)
130
00:06:10,834 --> 00:06:12,635
Oh! Thank you.
131
00:06:12,669 --> 00:06:15,104
Why was that on the
Military History Channel?
132
00:06:15,138 --> 00:06:16,906
We're going to that game party,
133
00:06:16,940 --> 00:06:19,208
and we're going to be
charming and witty.
134
00:06:19,243 --> 00:06:21,210
You're not going to
eat too much,
135
00:06:21,245 --> 00:06:23,613
and we're not going to
stay too late.
136
00:06:23,647 --> 00:06:26,682
MARGE: You will not sing
unless there's a sing-along,
137
00:06:26,717 --> 00:06:30,253
and never take the tray
out of the caterer's hand.
138
00:06:30,287 --> 00:06:32,855
Don't be too loud,
and don't be too quiet.
139
00:06:32,890 --> 00:06:35,791
When you're too quiet,
you get that psycho look.
140
00:06:35,826 --> 00:06:37,026
(jittering)
141
00:06:37,060 --> 00:06:38,594
And stay in the living room.
142
00:06:38,629 --> 00:06:41,564
Don't go to their kids' room
and watch a basketball game.
143
00:06:41,598 --> 00:06:43,099
Can I check out
what toys they have?
144
00:06:43,133 --> 00:06:44,166
No.
145
00:06:44,201 --> 00:06:45,201
(groans)
146
00:06:45,235 --> 00:06:47,436
Dinner party
at the neighbors'.
147
00:06:47,471 --> 00:06:49,071
At least I can drink.
148
00:06:49,106 --> 00:06:50,473
One drink.
149
00:06:50,507 --> 00:06:53,309
Wha...?!
Walking distance, Marge!
150
00:06:53,343 --> 00:06:56,345
I've been looking forward
to this all week.
151
00:06:57,548 --> 00:06:59,448
DUFFMAN: Don't show your wife
this app!
152
00:06:59,483 --> 00:07:00,483
Powering down!
153
00:07:03,020 --> 00:07:05,555
You were charming
enough to win me,
154
00:07:05,589 --> 00:07:08,190
and that day you didn't
have a drink in you.
155
00:07:14,298 --> 00:07:16,465
Marge! Homer!
156
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:19,001
Mwah! Mwah!
157
00:07:19,036 --> 00:07:20,970
(quietly):
Homer.
158
00:07:21,004 --> 00:07:24,106
You know, I have more cheeks.
(chuckles)
159
00:07:24,141 --> 00:07:26,409
I'd like you to meet
my wife Wallis.
160
00:07:26,443 --> 00:07:27,843
(deep voice):
How ya doin'?
161
00:07:27,878 --> 00:07:30,713
Wallis has unearthed the most
delightful entertainment
162
00:07:30,747 --> 00:07:32,815
to thrill us for hours on end.
163
00:07:32,849 --> 00:07:36,118
It's a murder mystery,
and we're all suspects.
164
00:07:36,153 --> 00:07:37,520
(crowd gasps)
165
00:07:37,554 --> 00:07:41,357
Great! I've always wanted
to try and solve a crime.
166
00:07:41,391 --> 00:07:42,792
(crowd gasps)
167
00:07:42,826 --> 00:07:45,027
Please, everyone,
read your bio.
168
00:07:45,062 --> 00:07:46,462
(gasps)
169
00:07:46,496 --> 00:07:49,699
I am a humble farmer
from Yorkshire.
170
00:07:49,733 --> 00:07:52,435
Humble I can be!
171
00:07:52,469 --> 00:07:53,970
That's the spirit!
172
00:07:54,004 --> 00:07:56,138
Wallis and I have found
this game to provide
173
00:07:56,173 --> 00:07:58,808
a full evening of
divertissement,
174
00:07:58,842 --> 00:08:01,310
building in suspense
to a masterful climax.
175
00:08:01,345 --> 00:08:02,812
We've rented costumes
176
00:08:02,846 --> 00:08:06,015
you'll find accurate to period
and conducive to character.
177
00:08:06,049 --> 00:08:08,217
We will serve food and wine
178
00:08:08,251 --> 00:08:10,853
appropriate to period
and palette.
179
00:08:10,887 --> 00:08:12,288
(excited murmuring)
180
00:08:12,322 --> 00:08:15,725
We've programmed music
to cover every dramatic event.
181
00:08:15,759 --> 00:08:17,393
Hired a Foley artist.
182
00:08:17,427 --> 00:08:19,228
(steady galloping)
183
00:08:19,262 --> 00:08:21,764
I believe the mare
has a slight limp.
184
00:08:21,798 --> 00:08:23,733
(erratic galloping)
185
00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:25,735
Yes. Yes!
186
00:08:25,769 --> 00:08:30,506
So, for the next three hours,
I welcome you to the moors of...
187
00:08:30,540 --> 00:08:31,641
Question.
188
00:08:31,675 --> 00:08:32,808
Uh, it says here
189
00:08:32,843 --> 00:08:34,477
the murderer is
Admiral Wainsworth.
190
00:08:34,511 --> 00:08:35,578
Who's that?
191
00:08:35,612 --> 00:08:36,879
(crowd groaning, murmuring)
192
00:08:36,913 --> 00:08:39,582
You've... you-you've given away
the game!
193
00:08:39,616 --> 00:08:40,983
Well, you know...
194
00:08:41,018 --> 00:08:42,184
Why you...!
195
00:08:42,219 --> 00:08:43,786
(both grunting)
196
00:08:45,789 --> 00:08:47,723
Thank you so much!
197
00:08:47,758 --> 00:08:51,360
Now Wallis will once again
withdraw into melancholia!
198
00:08:51,395 --> 00:08:53,996
(monotonous):
Birth, school, work, death.
199
00:08:54,031 --> 00:08:56,766
Worth, drool, shirk, breath.
200
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,235
Mirth, cruel, quirk, meth.
201
00:08:59,269 --> 00:09:01,971
Just so you know, mer,
you were going to be
202
00:09:02,005 --> 00:09:04,874
a dashing Russian count
with multiple lovers!
203
00:09:04,908 --> 00:09:07,877
Well, as we
say in Russia,
204
00:09:07,911 --> 00:09:09,412
"Good-bye in Russian!"
205
00:09:09,446 --> 00:09:10,946
Do svidaniya!
206
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,416
Uh, nice night
for a walk.
207
00:09:18,450 --> 00:09:19,550
(sighs)
208
00:09:19,585 --> 00:09:22,987
I'd like to be alone
for a while.
209
00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:24,789
You want to be
more alone?
210
00:09:24,823 --> 00:09:26,123
Yes.
211
00:09:30,796 --> 00:09:32,463
More?
Mm-hmm.
212
00:09:35,267 --> 00:09:36,901
What the...?! D'oh!
213
00:09:36,935 --> 00:09:38,436
(groaning)
214
00:09:38,470 --> 00:09:40,771
That's good.
215
00:09:43,175 --> 00:09:45,443
Okay, I slept on the couch
216
00:09:45,477 --> 00:09:47,478
and I flipped
the sweaty cushions over.
217
00:09:47,512 --> 00:09:49,480
What else can I do?
It's okay.
218
00:09:49,514 --> 00:09:51,816
I mean, those people didn't even
want us at that party
219
00:09:51,850 --> 00:09:53,584
in the first place.
220
00:09:53,619 --> 00:09:57,755
I think it's time we learn
to live with being ostracized.
221
00:09:57,789 --> 00:09:59,156
Mmm...
222
00:09:59,191 --> 00:10:02,326
Don't you dare say
"ostrich eyes"!
223
00:10:02,361 --> 00:10:04,495
Because... uh...
224
00:10:04,529 --> 00:10:05,930
Oh! Oh, okay, okay!
225
00:10:05,964 --> 00:10:07,198
What should we do?
226
00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:08,833
Nothing. I give up.
227
00:10:08,867 --> 00:10:10,701
No more dinner parties.
228
00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:14,038
Our whole social life
will be us watching TV
229
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,873
and you going to Moe's.
230
00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:18,376
I see.
231
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:20,811
(quietly):
Woo-hoo!
232
00:10:20,846 --> 00:10:21,979
(rattles)
233
00:10:23,115 --> 00:10:26,017
Well, if that's
how you think it has to be.
234
00:10:26,051 --> 00:10:27,551
Yes, for us.
235
00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,220
But not for Lisa.
236
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:30,721
Never for Lisa.
237
00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:33,090
We're going to help
her make friends.
238
00:10:33,125 --> 00:10:34,558
It might be easier with Maggie.
239
00:10:34,593 --> 00:10:37,361
She's always getting letters
from the day care center.
240
00:10:37,396 --> 00:10:38,896
Those are
past-due bills.
241
00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:41,532
They'll get
their blood money.
242
00:10:41,566 --> 00:10:44,902
And Lisa will get a friend.
243
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,904
After this,
we'll do makeovers.
244
00:10:46,938 --> 00:10:48,539
(groans)
245
00:10:51,877 --> 00:10:53,844
So where are
all the friends?
246
00:10:53,879 --> 00:10:55,346
I don't know.
247
00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:58,182
I invited everyone
that Lisa's ever met.
248
00:10:58,216 --> 00:11:00,851
Who are you?
Gus Huebner.
249
00:11:00,886 --> 00:11:04,021
I was on Lisa's coed soccer team
two years ago.
250
00:11:04,056 --> 00:11:06,590
Well, Lisa's gonna be here
in five minutes,
251
00:11:06,625 --> 00:11:09,427
and the only kid who showed up
is Gus freakin' Huebner.
252
00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:11,095
Watch your mouth.
(groans)
253
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:13,764
Oh, no, you're
right, Homer. Abort!
254
00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:15,366
Abort!
Oh, no.
255
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,202
I was the only chump who
showed up at this train wreck.
256
00:11:18,236 --> 00:11:20,304
Well, I'm not leaving
till I get a party.
257
00:11:20,338 --> 00:11:23,307
Fine, fine. Homer,
give him a party.
258
00:11:23,341 --> 00:11:26,477
(The Streets of San Francisco
theme playing)
259
00:11:39,725 --> 00:11:42,326
(Homer shouts)
260
00:11:51,803 --> 00:11:53,971
Gus Huebner?
261
00:11:54,005 --> 00:11:55,806
Is that you?
262
00:11:57,542 --> 00:11:58,909
(chuckles):
I wish.
263
00:11:58,944 --> 00:12:01,112
That kid can play youth soccer.
264
00:12:05,650 --> 00:12:07,585
Are you guys okay?
265
00:12:07,619 --> 00:12:09,320
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
I'm fine.
266
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:10,955
Yeah. That's...
Nothing's going on.
267
00:12:10,989 --> 00:12:12,723
Right, right.
Nothing.
268
00:12:12,758 --> 00:12:13,524
What's for dinner?
269
00:12:13,558 --> 00:12:15,259
Pizza. Mmm.
270
00:12:15,293 --> 00:12:16,527
Lots of pizza.
271
00:12:26,805 --> 00:12:29,707
So, as her teacher, I was
wondering if you could tell me
272
00:12:29,741 --> 00:12:33,177
why Lisa has such
trouble making friends.
273
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:35,846
Marge, this is
when I normally eat lunch.
274
00:12:35,881 --> 00:12:39,517
So I'll just tell you
Lisa is... unique.
275
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,552
And we're done.
276
00:12:46,191 --> 00:12:47,658
All right. For some reason,
277
00:12:47,692 --> 00:12:50,895
square dancing is a part
of the gym curriculum.
278
00:12:50,929 --> 00:12:53,330
Now, I'm gonna open the divider
to the girls' gym,
279
00:12:53,365 --> 00:12:57,568
and if you don't find a dance
partner within ten seconds,
280
00:12:57,602 --> 00:13:01,672
there is something very wrong
with you!
281
00:13:01,706 --> 00:13:03,741
♪ ♪
282
00:13:13,385 --> 00:13:15,052
Hmm.
283
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:16,086
(groans)
284
00:13:17,122 --> 00:13:18,189
Aw.
285
00:13:19,457 --> 00:13:21,192
That's tough
luck, Lisa.
286
00:13:21,226 --> 00:13:23,394
Looks like you're dancing
with Groundskeeper Willie.
287
00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:25,062
Careful of your toes.
288
00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:26,597
I got me cleats on!
289
00:13:26,631 --> 00:13:28,566
I'll dance
with Lisa.
290
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,168
Tumi? But you're from
the other second grade.
291
00:13:31,203 --> 00:13:33,871
We only come together
for tornado drills.
292
00:13:36,141 --> 00:13:38,108
(groans)
God, I hate square dancing.
293
00:13:38,143 --> 00:13:40,911
It ain't gym class
if a fat kid's not crying.
294
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,246
Let's do this thing.
295
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,248
(plucking notes)
296
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:46,717
(playing lively music)
297
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,856
♪ Swing your partner,
swing her hard ♪
298
00:13:51,890 --> 00:13:53,724
♪ Do-si-do while I bombard ♪
299
00:13:53,758 --> 00:13:56,026
Hey! Ha! Ho! Ha!
300
00:13:56,061 --> 00:13:58,295
♪ Do-si-do while I bombard ♪
301
00:13:58,330 --> 00:14:00,130
♪ Oh, thank God,
the clock says 3:00 ♪
302
00:14:00,165 --> 00:14:01,966
♪ 'Cause I have to take a pee. ♪
303
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,300
(school bell ringing)
304
00:14:03,335 --> 00:14:04,635
Finally.
305
00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:09,673
But I won't push it,
I promise. See ya.
306
00:14:09,708 --> 00:14:11,842
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Um, I was going
307
00:14:11,877 --> 00:14:14,211
to All Sales Vinyl
after school.
308
00:14:14,246 --> 00:14:15,546
The vintage record store?
309
00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:17,381
Yeah. You want to come with me?
310
00:14:17,415 --> 00:14:19,550
At the risk of sounding
like a broken record,
311
00:14:19,584 --> 00:14:21,452
yes, yes, yes!
312
00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:23,721
("Stolen Moments"
by Oliver Nelson playing)
313
00:14:25,624 --> 00:14:28,359
(strained):
They will fit. They will fit.
314
00:14:28,393 --> 00:14:30,227
(grunts)
Yes!
315
00:14:33,632 --> 00:14:36,767
Hmm. Nobody likes jazz
that much.
316
00:14:36,801 --> 00:14:39,203
Even the guy playing it
had to take drugs.
317
00:14:39,905 --> 00:14:40,971
It's so much fun
318
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,806
to finally have a friend
who likes the NPR show
319
00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:45,609
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
as much as I do.
320
00:14:45,644 --> 00:14:48,445
PETER SAGAL: So, Carl Kasell,
how did the House Minority Whip
321
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,281
do on our news quiz?
322
00:14:50,315 --> 00:14:52,583
CARL KASELL: Well, Peter,
he got two out of three right,
323
00:14:52,617 --> 00:14:55,619
so he wins me
recording his outgoing message.
324
00:14:55,654 --> 00:14:57,621
MAN: Oh, that's okay. Really.
No, no, no. Please don't.
325
00:14:57,656 --> 00:14:59,290
KASELL:
It's not optional.
326
00:14:59,324 --> 00:15:01,225
(both giggling)
327
00:15:03,228 --> 00:15:04,862
See, Marge?
328
00:15:04,896 --> 00:15:06,931
Problems will
work themselves out
329
00:15:06,965 --> 00:15:08,632
if you just
leave them alone.
330
00:15:08,667 --> 00:15:09,800
Mm-hmm.
331
00:15:09,834 --> 00:15:11,001
Want some more smoothie?
332
00:15:11,036 --> 00:15:14,038
As long as you load up
on the kale and chia.
333
00:15:16,274 --> 00:15:19,243
Oh, no one likes
veggie smoothies that much.
334
00:15:19,277 --> 00:15:20,778
Or at all. Hmm.
335
00:15:20,812 --> 00:15:22,713
Something's fishy
about that girl,
336
00:15:22,747 --> 00:15:24,949
and I'm gonna follow her
till I find out what.
337
00:15:24,983 --> 00:15:26,884
And I'm gonna
help you.
338
00:15:26,918 --> 00:15:29,653
I think I'll need you back at
headquarters manning the phones.
339
00:15:29,688 --> 00:15:31,755
Great. What do I say?
340
00:15:31,790 --> 00:15:32,756
Just let 'em ring.
341
00:15:32,791 --> 00:15:33,924
Got it!
342
00:15:33,959 --> 00:15:35,926
♪ They smile in your face ♪
343
00:15:35,961 --> 00:15:37,828
♪ All the time they want
to take your place ♪
344
00:15:37,862 --> 00:15:39,830
♪ The backstabbers ♪
345
00:15:39,864 --> 00:15:42,266
♪ Backstabbers ♪
346
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:43,534
♪ They smile in your face ♪
347
00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:45,769
♪ All the time they want
to take your place ♪
348
00:15:45,804 --> 00:15:48,138
♪ The backstabbers ♪
349
00:15:48,173 --> 00:15:50,007
♪ Backstabbers ♪
350
00:15:50,041 --> 00:15:52,443
♪ All you fellas
who have someone ♪
351
00:15:52,477 --> 00:15:54,778
♪ And you really care ♪
352
00:15:54,813 --> 00:15:56,847
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
353
00:15:56,881 --> 00:16:00,117
♪ Then it's
all of you fellas... ♪
354
00:16:06,391 --> 00:16:09,360
♪ Low-down, dirty. ♪
355
00:16:14,165 --> 00:16:15,466
What do you want?
356
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:16,867
I've got two things for you.
357
00:16:16,901 --> 00:16:18,535
This envelope will
change your life
358
00:16:18,570 --> 00:16:20,537
for the low, low
price of five dollars,
359
00:16:20,572 --> 00:16:23,040
and I'll throw in a
piece of great advice.
360
00:16:23,074 --> 00:16:25,075
Tempted?
361
00:16:27,345 --> 00:16:28,512
What's the advice?
362
00:16:28,546 --> 00:16:30,247
Don't open
the envelope.
363
00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:32,282
(snickers)
364
00:16:34,819 --> 00:16:37,988
Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick.
365
00:16:44,195 --> 00:16:45,162
(gasps)
366
00:16:45,196 --> 00:16:47,164
Mom paid her to be my friend?
367
00:16:47,198 --> 00:16:49,199
(crying)
368
00:16:52,771 --> 00:16:54,071
That's mine.
369
00:16:54,105 --> 00:16:56,073
It's for my
library card.
370
00:16:56,107 --> 00:16:57,808
(groans)
371
00:17:01,490 --> 00:17:03,124
You don't want
to be here.
372
00:17:03,159 --> 00:17:04,793
(whimpers)
Neither do you!
373
00:17:04,827 --> 00:17:06,194
(whimpers)
374
00:17:09,899 --> 00:17:13,635
Mom, how could you pay
someone to be my friend?
375
00:17:13,669 --> 00:17:16,137
Answer me!
376
00:17:16,172 --> 00:17:19,741
Oh, I wouldn't say I paid
someone to be your friend.
377
00:17:19,775 --> 00:17:22,610
I just gave her money
for records and ice cream.
378
00:17:22,645 --> 00:17:24,646
HOMER:
You gave away ice cream?!
379
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:26,881
I would've found
a friend eventually.
380
00:17:26,916 --> 00:17:30,618
You couldn't wait a damn decade
until I got into college?
381
00:17:30,653 --> 00:17:31,953
(crying)
382
00:17:31,987 --> 00:17:34,989
Oh, Lisa. Lisa, wait!
383
00:17:35,024 --> 00:17:36,591
(crying)
384
00:17:36,625 --> 00:17:37,992
Oh, God, oh, God.
385
00:17:38,027 --> 00:17:40,395
I'm the smart parent.
386
00:17:42,198 --> 00:17:45,733
I'm sorry she rejected
your "I'm Sorry" cake,
387
00:17:45,768 --> 00:17:47,068
but, in a way, I'm not.
388
00:17:47,103 --> 00:17:50,505
I guess what I'm trying to say
is I like cake.
389
00:17:50,539 --> 00:17:52,173
Marge, don't feel bad.
390
00:17:52,208 --> 00:17:54,843
You did what any parent
would do.
391
00:17:54,877 --> 00:17:56,911
No, I think
I went too far.
392
00:17:56,946 --> 00:17:58,880
Let me tell you a little story
393
00:17:58,914 --> 00:18:02,584
about a chubby unpopular boy
named Homer.
394
00:18:02,618 --> 00:18:05,120
Is that the boy
you named me after?
395
00:18:05,154 --> 00:18:06,921
It is you,
you idiot!
396
00:18:06,956 --> 00:18:08,323
Whoa.
Little Homer had
397
00:18:08,357 --> 00:18:10,191
a devil of a time
making friends.
398
00:18:10,226 --> 00:18:12,293
No one wanted to come visit him.
399
00:18:12,328 --> 00:18:15,563
So I decided to take matters
into my own hands.
400
00:18:15,598 --> 00:18:17,732
I paid a couple of boys,
401
00:18:17,766 --> 00:18:22,237
Lenny and Carl,
to make my Homer feel loved.
402
00:18:22,271 --> 00:18:25,840
A relationship
I continued to this day.
403
00:18:25,875 --> 00:18:28,376
You pay Lenny and Carl
to be my friends?!
404
00:18:28,410 --> 00:18:31,346
Yes, but Barney's
yours for nothing.
405
00:18:31,380 --> 00:18:32,847
Aw.
Hmm.
406
00:18:32,882 --> 00:18:34,916
Well, that makes me
feel better.
407
00:18:34,950 --> 00:18:36,317
(lock clicks)
408
00:18:36,352 --> 00:18:37,919
Lisa's door is unlocked!
409
00:18:38,954 --> 00:18:41,456
Dad, is that story
really true?
410
00:18:41,490 --> 00:18:42,790
(laughs)
411
00:18:42,825 --> 00:18:44,626
I wouldn't pay
ten cents to a lion
412
00:18:44,660 --> 00:18:46,494
to stop him
from eating you!
413
00:18:46,529 --> 00:18:47,529
(groans)
414
00:18:50,299 --> 00:18:53,434
Lisa, just say
something to me.
415
00:18:53,469 --> 00:18:54,936
I'm gonna tell
every psychiatrist
416
00:18:54,970 --> 00:18:56,938
I ever go to
what you did.
417
00:18:56,972 --> 00:18:59,874
(voice breaking):
A mother's greatest fear.
418
00:18:59,909 --> 00:19:02,110
(crying)
419
00:19:02,144 --> 00:19:04,779
LISA:
Wow, I made Mom cry.
420
00:19:04,813 --> 00:19:06,981
What unimaginable power.
421
00:19:07,016 --> 00:19:09,484
I can use this
to get anything I want.
422
00:19:09,518 --> 00:19:12,153
But right now, all I want
423
00:19:12,188 --> 00:19:15,557
is for Mom to stop crying.
424
00:19:15,591 --> 00:19:17,158
Mom, stop! Stop!
425
00:19:17,193 --> 00:19:20,395
Stop. I'm sorry.
426
00:19:20,429 --> 00:19:21,396
Oh...
427
00:19:21,430 --> 00:19:22,964
Please stop!
428
00:19:22,998 --> 00:19:24,832
(cries, snorts)
429
00:19:24,867 --> 00:19:26,401
(sighs)
430
00:19:26,435 --> 00:19:28,403
You're not mad anymore?
431
00:19:28,437 --> 00:19:29,938
I'm fine. Fine.
432
00:19:29,972 --> 00:19:31,139
It's funny, but...
433
00:19:31,173 --> 00:19:33,975
hurting your feelings
made me feel better.
434
00:19:34,009 --> 00:19:35,910
Mm, try to forget that.
435
00:19:35,945 --> 00:19:38,179
But when I grow up,
I'll find other weird kids,
436
00:19:38,214 --> 00:19:41,449
and we will have the most
intense relationships ever.
437
00:19:41,483 --> 00:19:43,918
And I'll always
love you.
438
00:19:43,953 --> 00:19:45,186
Aw.
439
00:19:45,221 --> 00:19:47,055
Happy Mother's Day.
440
00:19:47,089 --> 00:19:49,724
Mother's Day?!
Mother's Day?! Crap!
441
00:19:51,195 --> 00:19:54,008
Okay, initially I was just
gonna be your friend
442
00:19:54,009 --> 00:19:55,643
till I could
afford a nice belt.
443
00:19:55,677 --> 00:19:57,178
But I like you, Lisa,
444
00:19:57,212 --> 00:19:59,447
and I want to keep
being friends with you.
445
00:19:59,481 --> 00:20:00,982
Great. But from now on,
446
00:20:01,016 --> 00:20:03,718
we have to be totally honest
with each other.
447
00:20:03,752 --> 00:20:05,386
You're absolutely right.
448
00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:07,388
I'm not really a vegetarian.
449
00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,123
Have you ever tried horse meat?
450
00:20:09,158 --> 00:20:11,125
They eat it raw in Japan, and...
451
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:16,160
Captioning sponsored by 20TH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
452
00:20:59,625 --> 00:21:01,626
Shh!