1
00:00:09,275 --> 00:00:10,902
Previously on Californication:
2
00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:14,376
Whoa, you have
a surprisingly big dick.
3
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:17,908
Oh, but that doesn't make me
want to be with you, Levon.
4
00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:20,052
I'm not saying what he did is right.
5
00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:22,211
But I get where
he's coming from, you know?
6
00:00:22,389 --> 00:00:25,950
He's a guy. He just wants to get laid.
It's totally normal.
7
00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:27,684
You have another family.
8
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:32,798
The bottom has just officially
dropped out of our relationship.
9
00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:35,366
Have you given any thought
to taking on a manager?
10
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:37,264
I could see us working together.
11
00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:40,031
Help me get the show out
from under Rath, and I'm yours.
12
00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:44,472
There is nothing limp-dick
about you, Charlie.
13
00:00:44,644 --> 00:00:46,578
I mean, she's so beautiful.
14
00:00:46,746 --> 00:00:50,079
Is it cool if I pursue her?
You're not looking to rekindle?
15
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:51,945
- No, no, not at all.
- Why not?
16
00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:54,587
- This is a terrible idea.
- It's a terrible idea.
17
00:01:05,532 --> 00:01:07,090
Hey, you rang?
18
00:01:07,267 --> 00:01:10,430
- Yeah, how's that outline going?
- Not great.
19
00:01:10,603 --> 00:01:12,662
It's kind of like
having an impacted bowel...
20
00:01:12,839 --> 00:01:15,603
...and you're forced to stick your
finger up your ass...
21
00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:19,438
...and pry the shit out one dry, flaky chunk
at a time, except with words.
22
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,514
- Thank you for that.
- You're welcome.
23
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,778
Didn't know you played.
24
00:01:26,219 --> 00:01:29,484
- Just enough to know how much I suck.
- Copy that, motherfucker.
25
00:01:33,726 --> 00:01:35,751
I am going out on a date
with Julia tonight.
26
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,796
Oh, the real reason
you summoned me.
27
00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:41,525
Maybe. You okay with that?
28
00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:43,931
If the lady's cool with it, I'm cool with it.
29
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,833
The kid? Think he'll be cool with it?
30
00:01:46,005 --> 00:01:49,463
- I thought you didn't care.
- You wanted to see me, Mr. Rath, sir?
31
00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:52,304
Yeah, hey, come in, come in.
Have a seat.
32
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,083
- How you doing, buddy?
- Couldn't be better.
33
00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:58,547
- Good.
- Want some chocolate?
34
00:01:58,718 --> 00:01:59,946
No, thank you.
35
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:05,456
Listen, I wanted you to know that
I'm taking your mom out tonight.
36
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:08,958
- Hank supports it.
- Yeah, I know all about it.
37
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:12,895
- What, she told you?
- Yeah, we tell each other everything.
38
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:16,058
- E*verything?
- Pretty much, yeah.
39
00:02:16,836 --> 00:02:19,270
One time my Aunt Jesse
stayed with us for a few days.
40
00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:21,498
It was around the time
I started jerking off.
41
00:02:21,674 --> 00:02:24,871
She leaves a pair of panties behind.
I'd sniff them while I hit it.
42
00:02:25,044 --> 00:02:26,739
Really enhanced
the orgasm, you know?
43
00:02:26,913 --> 00:02:29,211
Then I started to feel weird
and guilty about it.
44
00:02:29,382 --> 00:02:31,976
So I told my mom.
She was so fucking cool about it.
45
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,950
She was pretty hot for an aunt,
though, Aunt Jesse.
46
00:02:35,421 --> 00:02:37,981
- Maybe I should rethink this thing.
- Oh, no, no, don't.
47
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:41,423
Look, my mom's a great lady.
She deserves to have fun with men.
48
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:46,329
Gross. Just be cool, okay?
49
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:50,230
Anyone can be a dick. Be a gentleman.
Think about it like I was dating your mom.
50
00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:53,031
I don't want to think about like that.
51
00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:54,537
My mom is dead.
52
00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:59,337
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
I had no idea.
53
00:02:59,879 --> 00:03:01,744
- Was she hot?
- Holy shit.
54
00:03:03,316 --> 00:03:06,911
Hey, you know, the good news here
is I'm totally free to hang tonight.
55
00:03:07,086 --> 00:03:09,281
What do you want to do?
56
00:04:02,775 --> 00:04:04,800
So who recommended you?
57
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:08,209
Mommy, why are you hurting
that lady's "bagina"?
58
00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:11,373
Stuart, I told you to stay
in your room. Mommy's working.
59
00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,348
It's okay, honey.
She's not hurting it.
60
00:04:13,519 --> 00:04:15,510
I mean, it hurts a little bit.
61
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:19,254
Actually, it hurts a lot.
But she's just taking the hair off.
62
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:22,155
- He doesn't need to...
- Why are you taking the hair off?
63
00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:25,923
- Stuart...
- Because boys like the way it looks.
64
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,226
Honey, I need you to
go back to your room now.
65
00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:30,835
I don't like it.
It looks like a big pink walnut.
66
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:33,871
All right, then, run along now.
67
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:38,708
He is so cute.
68
00:04:38,878 --> 00:04:41,642
Yes, he is a little dolly.
69
00:04:41,814 --> 00:04:44,681
Just like his dad. It's weird.
70
00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:47,513
Okay, so who recommended you?
71
00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:51,282
- Stu Beggs.
- Oh, okay, my ex.
72
00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:54,620
Yeah, he said that
you probably needed the work.
73
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:58,127
He said that your husband
isn't much of an earner, so...
74
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:01,324
I'm sure he did. And no, he is not.
75
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:04,530
He talks about you a lot, actually.
76
00:05:04,704 --> 00:05:06,865
I think that he's still in love with you.
77
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:11,704
Well, actually, he has said that
out loud, like, a lot.
78
00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:15,778
Wait, so how do you guys
know each other?
79
00:05:15,948 --> 00:05:18,815
- He's a client.
- Oh, okay.
80
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,385
So, what are you,
like, a publicist or something?
81
00:05:21,554 --> 00:05:23,715
- More like...
- A hooker?
82
00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:27,382
- Yeah, pretty much.
- Yeah, that's real neat.
83
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,189
- Sorry.
- No, it's fine. No judgment.
84
00:05:31,364 --> 00:05:35,858
So, Stu's big into
prostitutes these days.
85
00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:37,332
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
86
00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:40,028
Yeah, he must be nursing
a broken heart or something...
87
00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:42,936
...because he drops a lot of cash
on 'tutes.
88
00:05:43,109 --> 00:05:47,409
I like to think that I'm his favorite,
but he's not really very picky.
89
00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:52,447
I'll tell you what, though.
He calls me Marcy when we bone.
90
00:05:54,053 --> 00:05:55,384
Good to know.
91
00:06:03,796 --> 00:06:05,388
Cheers.
92
00:06:09,068 --> 00:06:12,037
Shit. Jesus Christ, that tastes awful.
93
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:15,766
- Drink up. It'll put hair on your balls.
- I've got too much hair on my balls.
94
00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:18,069
You see this fucking mop?
Now picture my balls.
95
00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:21,145
This is a house where the carpet
definitely matches the drapes.
96
00:06:21,748 --> 00:06:23,409
That's not how you use that phrase.
97
00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:24,948
- It's not?
- No.
98
00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:29,017
You've really never
had a serious girlfriend?
99
00:06:29,188 --> 00:06:31,247
Well, not really.
100
00:06:31,424 --> 00:06:34,291
I mean, I've had my fair share
of texting relationships.
101
00:06:34,460 --> 00:06:37,759
But they always end with me saying
something really inappropriate...
102
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...and then the girl goes silent...
103
00:06:39,932 --> 00:06:43,095
...and then I end up texting her more
and her parents call my mom...
104
00:06:43,269 --> 00:06:46,500
...I get a talking-to about cyberbullying.
It's a real fucking bummer.
105
00:06:46,672 --> 00:06:50,972
Yeah, you need to start dealing with
some real live women, one-on-one.
106
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,845
That's fucking scary.
107
00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:55,844
Yeah, but still...
108
00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:57,642
- Here's your shot.
- You sure?
109
00:06:57,817 --> 00:06:59,375
Go forth.
110
00:07:03,689 --> 00:07:06,157
Hi. Hi, pretty lady.
111
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,461
Do you want to have
a drink with me and my dad?
112
00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:13,963
We recently started
a relationship with each other.
113
00:07:14,133 --> 00:07:16,567
Hey, I know you.
114
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:19,235
- Dude, did you bang her?
- Shut up.
115
00:07:19,405 --> 00:07:20,804
Really? Where from?
116
00:07:20,973 --> 00:07:23,635
- I was your student.
- Oh, yeah.
117
00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:27,405
- I took your writing class.
- That's right. I taught for a while.
118
00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:29,775
I totally forgot about that. How was I?
119
00:07:30,416 --> 00:07:32,008
Honestly, I've had better.
120
00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,745
Honestly, I've been better.
That was a dark time.
121
00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:36,582
But allow me to make it up to you...
122
00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:40,419
...by introducing you to a
promising young actor on the rise...
123
00:07:40,593 --> 00:07:43,187
...Levon.
- Cool. What have you been in?
124
00:07:43,362 --> 00:07:45,330
Not much of anything, really.
125
00:07:45,498 --> 00:07:48,695
I mean, sometimes I film myself
doing famous movie monologues...
126
00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:51,336
...and I put them on YouTube.
I figure someone will...
127
00:07:51,504 --> 00:07:52,801
Oh, he's being modest.
128
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:55,372
He's working on a new show
called Santa Monica Cop.
129
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:58,339
I'm just a PA, really.
I get lunches and shit.
130
00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:01,969
Cool. Hey, you were
sleeping with that girl...
131
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,139
...who turned out
to be a stripper, right?
132
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:08,083
What? That is silly. Teachers sleeping
with students. That's not cool.
133
00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:10,415
No, it was a really big deal.
134
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:14,026
Didn't you fuck that TA too?
135
00:08:14,193 --> 00:08:15,217
And the dean's wife?
136
00:08:17,763 --> 00:08:20,698
You were famous that semester.
You fucked them all.
137
00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:23,769
Hey, could I get a picture with you?
138
00:08:23,936 --> 00:08:27,736
My friend is gonna lose her shit.
Would you mind?
139
00:08:31,811 --> 00:08:33,904
Thanks, Dad.
140
00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:40,578
One, two, three.
141
00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:55,925
Goldie?
142
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,163
You in there?
143
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:02,631
What fucking took you
so long, Runkle?
144
00:09:02,808 --> 00:09:05,402
I came as soon as you called.
Are you okay?
145
00:09:05,578 --> 00:09:08,376
Have you been drinking?
146
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,482
Obviously.
147
00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:13,118
- Maybe this is a mistake.
- What? What?
148
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,015
Why? Why?
What are you talking about?
149
00:09:15,187 --> 00:09:17,382
I need a manager
who cares about me...
150
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,548
...as much as about
what me can do for him.
151
00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:21,659
I do, Goldie, very much so.
152
00:09:21,827 --> 00:09:24,489
What can I do for you?
How can I help?
153
00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:26,655
Get me off this fucking show.
154
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:31,101
- Why?
- Rath humiliated me.
155
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:34,437
What did he do? Did he hit on you?
156
00:09:34,607 --> 00:09:37,440
No, he would never do that.
157
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:40,511
I'm sure he thinks
I'm an unfuckable monster.
158
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,978
Oh, I don't think that's true at all.
159
00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:47,676
Thank you, Charlie.
160
00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:50,788
You make me feel really sexy.
161
00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:53,983
Oh, I didn't mean to do that, exactly.
162
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,684
But good, I guess.
163
00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:59,890
So, what did Rath do?
164
00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:02,728
He fucking rewrote my script.
165
00:10:03,736 --> 00:10:07,035
Well, isn't that, you know,
par for the course in television?
166
00:10:07,206 --> 00:10:08,639
E*very single fucking line?
167
00:10:08,808 --> 00:10:11,800
You mean to tell me
I didn't write one usable word?
168
00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:13,969
Not even a fucking preposition or two.
169
00:10:14,146 --> 00:10:17,445
Okay, okay, okay. So, what
would you like me to do, Goldie?
170
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:20,677
- Would you want me to?
- Have him killed.
171
00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:24,846
Have him killed.
172
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,154
Okay.
173
00:10:29,862 --> 00:10:33,491
What do you say we put a
pin in that one for now, just for now...
174
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:37,234
...and we look at that as a...
175
00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:40,328
...you know, last-resort situation?
176
00:10:40,506 --> 00:10:43,669
You know, the very least
you could fucking do...
177
00:10:43,843 --> 00:10:46,311
...is call him and rip him
a new asshole...
178
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:49,812
...so that he knows I can't be treated
like some girl from the street.
179
00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:52,246
I'm a world-class writer and producer...
180
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:54,545
...and I'm gonna have
my own show one day...
181
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:59,180
...if that means giving up every ounce
of personal happiness to get it.
182
00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:01,859
I will talk to him.
183
00:11:03,796 --> 00:11:06,264
- Promise?
- I promise.
184
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:12,570
Will you drive me home?
185
00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:15,104
- Sure thing, Goldie.
- Okay.
186
00:11:15,274 --> 00:11:18,209
- Let's go.
- One more drink.
187
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,648
He's a little monster.
188
00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:26,046
- I'm gonna get you.
- I'm gonna get you!
189
00:11:27,987 --> 00:11:31,889
Oh, my God. This is the
best play date Stuart's ever had.
190
00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:34,993
They do have chemistry, that's for sure.
191
00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:37,425
- He seems like a good kid.
- He is, he is.
192
00:11:37,596 --> 00:11:40,156
- I just wish I could get him laid.
- Can you get me laid?
193
00:11:40,332 --> 00:11:42,357
Maybe we can kill
two pervs with one stone.
194
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:45,698
You deflower him. It's a win-win.
195
00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:47,736
Listen, I'm horny as fuck these days...
196
00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:51,399
...but I don't think that kid will last
long enough for Mommy to get hers.
197
00:11:51,977 --> 00:11:54,309
Maybe he needs professional help.
198
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:58,348
- What, like a therapist?
- Yeah, or a...
199
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:01,409
- Like a hooker?
- Yeah.
200
00:12:01,587 --> 00:12:03,646
Hank, I waxed a hooker today.
201
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:05,950
She was young, cute,
and totally down to fuck.
202
00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:08,320
- Really?
- Yeah.
203
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:11,624
- Probably spendy.
- It's only money, right?
204
00:12:11,797 --> 00:12:13,697
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
205
00:12:13,866 --> 00:12:16,801
That kid would love you forever
if you bust his hymen like that.
206
00:12:16,969 --> 00:12:19,164
Chick was fucking bananas hot.
207
00:12:19,338 --> 00:12:22,068
This sounds too good to be true.
Let's hold on a second.
208
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:23,902
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
209
00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:27,405
Is this wrong? I can't tell anymore.
210
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,105
- I can't fucking tell anymore.
- Me, neither.
211
00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:37,121
- Let me see if she's available.
- Good idea.
212
00:12:42,294 --> 00:12:43,727
- Hello, again.
- Hi.
213
00:12:43,896 --> 00:12:46,626
Thanks for the rip this morning.
My pussy looks fantastic.
214
00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:50,360
It really does. I mean, great job.
You could eat off the fucking thing.
215
00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:53,596
- Thank you, and you are?
- Jim. Nice to meet you, sweetie.
216
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,469
- Nice to meet you too.
- Is this him?
217
00:12:56,642 --> 00:12:59,008
No. No, sorry.
218
00:12:59,178 --> 00:13:02,113
Hey, you're not supposed to get
excited about the fucking johns.
219
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:05,307
- Sorry, he's a really good-Iooking guy.
- You must be the pimp.
220
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:08,678
What is this, like a fucking
Blaxploitation movie?
221
00:13:08,854 --> 00:13:11,288
I mean, we don't really use
that terminology anymore.
222
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,449
Yeah, I'm more like her manager,
the guy you hand the money to...
223
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,822
...like right now.
- Oh, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.
224
00:13:16,996 --> 00:13:20,056
So how does it work? What's the split?
My guy gets 15 percent...
225
00:13:20,232 --> 00:13:22,325
...and his pimp hand is not strong at all.
226
00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:24,362
Are you the Better Business Bureau?
227
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:27,472
Don't worry about it.
Where's this dude she's gonna fuck?
228
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,972
- Hey, guys.
- Karen, hello.
229
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:31,632
- Hi!
- Karen! Hey, hey, hey.
230
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,745
Why don't you get your guests a drink?
231
00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:37,349
- Yes, I'm gonna do it.
- Hi, what are you doing here?
232
00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:40,212
- Well, you've been ducking my calls.
- I know, I know.
233
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:42,820
Okay, so, I want to
talk to you about Becca.
234
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:45,286
- I know, that's why I'm ducking you.
- Well, why?
235
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:47,288
When are you gonna
tell her about Levon?
236
00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:49,222
- When is she back?
- In a few weeks.
237
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:51,226
- In a few weeks, then.
- Well, Hank...
238
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:53,991
...she wants to know why
you're ducking her calls too.
239
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:56,896
I'm not gonna talk to her
on the phone about this shit.
240
00:13:57,069 --> 00:14:00,470
And in fact, when I do it, I think
we should do it together, you and I.
241
00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:01,663
- No. You see...
- Yeah.
242
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,900
- No, no, no. I knew...
- What?
243
00:14:04,076 --> 00:14:07,739
I am not gonna get involved
in your dysfunctional shit, okay?
244
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:10,541
- What...? What are you...? What is this?
- What do you mean?
245
00:14:10,716 --> 00:14:15,983
What do you mean? Marcy invited
some of her waxing clients over.
246
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:17,747
- Isn't that right, Marcy?
- Yeah.
247
00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:20,517
I'm having a client over for a drink.
248
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:25,062
Okay, well, how come she's
here so late and dressed so slutty?
249
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:27,597
- Maybe she's gonna get a facial.
- Right. Really?
250
00:14:27,766 --> 00:14:29,961
Does she always travel with sex toys?
251
00:14:30,135 --> 00:14:33,866
You know, some people are not
so averse to rubberized help.
252
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:35,063
That's true.
253
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:37,675
Yay, mission accomplished.
254
00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:41,279
Little Stuart is officially asleep.
We read books, played the tickle game.
255
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:43,415
- He loves the tickle game.
- I know.
256
00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:45,743
I taught him how to
Dutch oven. He loved it.
257
00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:48,250
Kid loves farts. Oh, you did good.
258
00:14:48,420 --> 00:14:49,819
- Thanks.
- Is this him?
259
00:14:51,690 --> 00:14:54,659
- Who's him? Who am I? Who are you?
- You know what?
260
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:58,092
Let's get this fucking party started.
We got another appointment later.
261
00:14:58,264 --> 00:14:59,788
Kid, you gotta wear a rubber.
262
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:02,433
Okay? Anything off the menu
has to be approved by me.
263
00:15:02,935 --> 00:15:04,960
I mean, she's pretty open,
as you can see.
264
00:15:05,137 --> 00:15:07,503
But scat play,
definitely out of the question.
265
00:15:07,673 --> 00:15:09,538
Oh, my God.
266
00:15:09,708 --> 00:15:12,006
- You got him a hooker.
- Karen, that is ridiculous.
267
00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:16,273
Marcy was kind enough to
set Levon up with one of her clients.
268
00:15:16,448 --> 00:15:20,145
- One of your clients? Oh, really?
- I'm setting him up with her.
269
00:15:20,319 --> 00:15:21,980
Look what a cute couple they'd make.
270
00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:24,679
- Adorable.
- Marcy, is your client a hooker?
271
00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:27,417
Who knows what she does for a living?
That's personal.
272
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:30,084
Shut up. Is your client a hooker?
273
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,127
- Maybe.
- Marcy.
274
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:36,928
Hey, I am happy to help you
try to bust your weirdo kid's cherry...
275
00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:39,536
...but I will not lie to my best friend.
276
00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:42,697
Oh, my God.
This is so fucking depraved.
277
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:45,537
No, it's not.
I'm performing a service here.
278
00:15:45,711 --> 00:15:48,043
This kid's...
He needs to clear this hurdle.
279
00:15:48,213 --> 00:15:50,613
He's wired and pent-up.
Gotta get the poison out.
280
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,274
- That's what Stu always says.
- It's true.
281
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:56,114
Once you get that shit out,
you can think clearly again.
282
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,984
You got me a fucking hooker?
283
00:16:00,826 --> 00:16:03,420
- Maybe.
- Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
284
00:16:03,595 --> 00:16:06,428
This is exactly what I thought
having a father would be like.
285
00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:09,328
Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm sorry. No.
286
00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:13,733
No, no, no. I know this is, like,
absolutely nothing to do with me...
287
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,500
...but I feel that someone here...
288
00:16:16,675 --> 00:16:19,303
...should be representing
your mom's interest.
289
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,309
- Why? That's fucking weird.
- No, no, no.
290
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:25,007
Because she would not want you
to lose your virginity like this.
291
00:16:25,184 --> 00:16:27,175
Oh, my God, you told her I'm a virgin?
292
00:16:27,353 --> 00:16:28,911
- No.
- That's embarrassing, dude.
293
00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:32,353
No offense, but you don't present
as a guy who's knee-deep in pussy.
294
00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:34,852
Yet it's all I ever think about.
295
00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:37,860
Okay, so the first time,
it should be special, right?
296
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:40,828
And it should be someone
you care about, someone you love...
297
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,026
...you like, at least, like. Right?
- I completely agree...
298
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:47,138
...and I could easily see myself
falling in love with her.
299
00:16:47,306 --> 00:16:49,570
I totally like her now.
See what she's wearing?
300
00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:53,405
I do, yeah. But it's not something
that you would want to pay for.
301
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:55,843
I'm not paying.
I haven't even got a paycheck yet.
302
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,880
There's forms I'm supposed to fill out.
303
00:16:58,050 --> 00:16:59,881
Actually, can you
help me out with that?
304
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:03,285
Money's taken care of.
That's no problem.
305
00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:06,583
- I fucking love you, Dad.
- I fucking love you too, buddy.
306
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:08,351
No, no, no. Stop it, stop it.
307
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:12,964
Look, Levon, Levon, I know this is very
confusing for you. I get that. L...
308
00:17:13,132 --> 00:17:16,101
Okay, take a moment.
Just take a moment. Just:
309
00:17:16,268 --> 00:17:18,429
Just, yeah, breathe.
310
00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:19,935
Yeah, okay.
311
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:21,902
Now think about your mother.
312
00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:24,440
Gross. That's the last thing
I want to think about.
313
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:26,134
No, about what she would say.
314
00:17:26,311 --> 00:17:28,973
Creepy Cosby family,
we gonna do this? It's up to you.
315
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:30,809
But there's no fucking refunds here.
316
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:33,474
If you want credit,
it's a 25 percent restocking fee.
317
00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:36,382
- That's fucking steep, bro.
- It's a seller's market, dude.
318
00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:39,183
- Hold on. Karen.
- Yes?
319
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:40,950
- Yes?
- Do you want to fuck me?
320
00:17:41,460 --> 00:17:42,950
- No.
- Oh, my God.
321
00:17:43,128 --> 00:17:45,824
- What is wrong with you? Did you...?
- I didn't raise him.
322
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:48,899
The only person willing to fuck me
is the one getting paid.
323
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,330
I think I'm okay with that.
324
00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:52,834
You know, in fact,
I'm more than okay with that.
325
00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:54,370
I'm super fucking psyched.
326
00:17:54,540 --> 00:17:56,235
- I'm doing this.
- Okay.
327
00:17:57,309 --> 00:17:58,571
- Hey, Dad?
- Yeah?
328
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,507
The clit's on top, right?
329
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,415
Last I checked, yeah.
330
00:18:04,516 --> 00:18:06,450
Okay.
331
00:18:06,618 --> 00:18:08,609
There you go, you lean there.
332
00:18:08,787 --> 00:18:10,755
I'll get the door.
333
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:15,317
Good job.
334
00:18:20,332 --> 00:18:22,232
Okay.
335
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:25,327
Here we go.
336
00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:31,034
Hey, what are you doing?
337
00:18:31,210 --> 00:18:33,644
I'm driving you home.
338
00:18:33,979 --> 00:18:35,446
Oh, no.
339
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:38,640
No, not in your car.
340
00:18:38,817 --> 00:18:42,116
In my car. How am I
supposed to get to work tomorrow?
341
00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:44,952
Well, how am I
gonna get home tonight?
342
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,853
I don't give a fuck.
343
00:18:47,025 --> 00:18:48,356
That's your problem.
344
00:18:48,527 --> 00:18:50,722
You can take a fucking rickshaw,
for all I care.
345
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:52,363
No, you take me home.
346
00:18:52,531 --> 00:18:55,193
You walk me in.
You make sure that I am safe.
347
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:59,030
And then you need to position me
so that I don't choke on my own vomit.
348
00:18:59,204 --> 00:19:02,662
Okay, okay.
If that's what you need, sure.
349
00:19:02,841 --> 00:19:04,433
Hold on, that's not a good idea...
350
00:19:04,610 --> 00:19:06,669
...because then you're gonna
get in my house.
351
00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:09,541
You'll want to take advantage
of me in my inebriated state.
352
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:11,580
I would never do something like that.
353
00:19:13,352 --> 00:19:15,877
I'm not hot enough
to take advantage of?
354
00:19:16,054 --> 00:19:18,454
No, no, you're plenty hot, Goldie.
355
00:19:18,624 --> 00:19:20,922
You're crazy hot.
356
00:19:22,127 --> 00:19:24,391
Thank you. I appreciate it.
357
00:19:24,563 --> 00:19:26,428
Thank you for taking care
of me tonight...
358
00:19:26,598 --> 00:19:29,192
You know what?
That's just what I do, okay?
359
00:19:29,368 --> 00:19:33,498
That's a full-service management,
all right? Curb to curb.
360
00:19:34,473 --> 00:19:36,202
You know...
361
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:39,037
...if someone would've told me...
362
00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:42,544
...that I was gonna
be represented one day...
363
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:45,111
...by the masturbating agent...
364
00:19:45,284 --> 00:19:48,913
...I would've just shit my panties.
365
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:52,589
Will wonders never cease?
366
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:54,191
Can I ask you something?
367
00:19:54,626 --> 00:19:56,526
What made you want
to throw it all away...
368
00:19:56,695 --> 00:20:00,187
...for a couple of random
jerk-off sessions?
369
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:03,568
I guess it's just
the very same thing...
370
00:20:03,735 --> 00:20:07,296
...that makes me
such a great representative.
371
00:20:07,472 --> 00:20:10,805
I'm ready to burn it all down
at a moment's notice.
372
00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:15,475
Oh, "burn it all down." I like that.
373
00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:19,811
"Burn it all down." I'm gonna get that
in a tattoo on my bikini line.
374
00:20:19,985 --> 00:20:23,352
- We should get tattoos. Let's go.
- No, no.
375
00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:26,047
You never get a tattoo
under the influence.
376
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:29,922
That's how you wind up
with a butterfly tramp stamp.
377
00:20:32,764 --> 00:20:34,197
- You're funny.
- Okay, yeah.
378
00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:38,462
- You're funny. Really funny.
- Okay. Give me a hug.
379
00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:42,067
You know, I could
feel you getting hard...
380
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,402
...last week when we were hugging.
381
00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:45,907
I'm sorry about that.
382
00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:50,472
You're getting hard right now,
aren't you?
383
00:20:50,649 --> 00:20:52,844
Why does this
keep happening to me?
384
00:20:57,289 --> 00:21:00,258
Oh, shit. I don't feel so good.
385
00:21:03,795 --> 00:21:05,558
Okay...
386
00:21:05,731 --> 00:21:07,528
- It's okay.
- Okay.
387
00:21:10,636 --> 00:21:12,763
Sorry.
388
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:15,406
I think I'm allergic to sulfites.
389
00:21:15,574 --> 00:21:17,735
So sorry. It's all over your crotch.
390
00:21:17,909 --> 00:21:20,537
My first time wasn't special at all.
391
00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:23,607
Dude kissed me a couple of times...
392
00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:25,943
...paid zero attention to my tits...
393
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:29,610
...licked me twice, stuck it in once...
394
00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:33,383
...panicked, pulled out,
and shot a load all over my thigh.
395
00:21:33,558 --> 00:21:35,617
It was fun stuff.
396
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:38,555
Well, at least it got you
prepared for Papa Runks.
397
00:21:38,730 --> 00:21:40,698
What was your
first time like, pretty lady?
398
00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:42,865
Shut up.
399
00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:47,335
You looking to make any extra money?
I could turn you out, no problem.
400
00:21:48,674 --> 00:21:50,335
You're a feisty one, I like that.
401
00:21:50,509 --> 00:21:52,374
Nice.
402
00:21:54,946 --> 00:21:56,538
Karen.
403
00:21:56,815 --> 00:22:00,114
- Karen, I'm sorry about that.
- You know, I don't know what's worse.
404
00:22:00,285 --> 00:22:03,345
What's going on here tonight,
which is absolutely disgusting...
405
00:22:03,522 --> 00:22:05,513
...or that I don't know
who you are anymore.
406
00:22:05,691 --> 00:22:07,625
That's not fair. If we had a son...
407
00:22:07,793 --> 00:22:10,353
...we'd most probably be having
the same conversation...
408
00:22:10,529 --> 00:22:12,793
...and I would probably feel
exactly the same way.
409
00:22:12,964 --> 00:22:16,161
If we had a son, I would never, ever
let you do something like this.
410
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,235
Karen, it's just sex.
What's the big deal?
411
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:21,133
But it's not just sex.
That's the whole point.
412
00:22:21,306 --> 00:22:25,140
You're teaching him
to degrade and objectify women...
413
00:22:25,310 --> 00:22:27,744
...that they exist solely
to satisfy his urges...
414
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,373
...when you could, in fact,
be teaching him...
415
00:22:30,549 --> 00:22:34,679
...that the best kind of sex
comes from making a connection.
416
00:22:35,754 --> 00:22:36,880
I agree with you.
417
00:22:37,456 --> 00:22:40,653
I do. It's just, there are all
different types of sex to be had.
418
00:22:40,826 --> 00:22:45,388
And who says he has to make sweet love
his very first time out the gate?
419
00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:49,131
- Hi. Hank, is it?
- Yeah.
420
00:22:50,302 --> 00:22:52,167
Could you come in here for a second?
421
00:23:01,012 --> 00:23:04,539
Hey, it's more for
a threesome. Just saying.
422
00:23:05,484 --> 00:23:08,317
- What's up?
- I think your boy's a little nervous.
423
00:23:08,487 --> 00:23:11,479
- It's totally understandable.
- I asked him to unwrap my dress...
424
00:23:11,656 --> 00:23:13,920
...and then he almost passed out.
425
00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:17,487
I'm dizzy, Hank.
I'm shaking like a leaf, man.
426
00:23:17,662 --> 00:23:20,130
Is it possible I'm having
a heart attack? Here, feel.
427
00:23:21,466 --> 00:23:24,526
Maybe there's a medical condition
or something I don't know about.
428
00:23:24,703 --> 00:23:28,400
- Maybe I should go see a doctor.
- Maybe we made a mistake here.
429
00:23:29,641 --> 00:23:32,940
Maybe Karen's right. Maybe this isn't
the way it's supposed to go down.
430
00:23:33,111 --> 00:23:34,976
Maybe I'm supposed to
meet a nice girl...
431
00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:37,672
...and somehow sweet-talk her
into letting me foul her.
432
00:23:37,949 --> 00:23:41,077
You don't have to go through with this,
you know, not at all.
433
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:45,413
- You wouldn't be disappointed in me?
- No way. Never.
434
00:23:45,590 --> 00:23:48,320
God, I'm so fucking lame,
and you're such a fucking baller.
435
00:23:48,493 --> 00:23:50,484
You are not lame in the slightest.
436
00:23:50,662 --> 00:23:54,098
You're a bright, interesting kid
and got a shitload of love in your heart.
437
00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:56,131
- I do.
- You've made the past few weeks...
438
00:23:56,301 --> 00:23:59,464
...of my life very interesting.
I'm happy to know you.
439
00:23:59,638 --> 00:24:02,505
- Thanks, Dad.
- All right.
440
00:24:02,674 --> 00:24:04,164
Oh, guys.
441
00:24:04,342 --> 00:24:08,335
This is maybe one of the sweetest
fucking things I've ever seen.
442
00:24:08,513 --> 00:24:11,209
But I have another appointment.
If we're not doing this...
443
00:24:11,383 --> 00:24:14,546
...then I'm gonna grab my double-sided
dildo and I'm just gonna go.
444
00:24:14,953 --> 00:24:16,511
What do you think?
445
00:24:16,688 --> 00:24:18,485
- What do you think?
- What do you think?
446
00:24:18,657 --> 00:24:21,319
- I don't know.
- Here's what I think.
447
00:24:28,433 --> 00:24:30,560
That's what she thinks.
448
00:24:31,770 --> 00:24:33,237
So, what's it gonna be?
449
00:24:36,074 --> 00:24:38,042
Get the fuck out of here, okay?
450
00:24:38,677 --> 00:24:40,269
Gone.
451
00:24:41,379 --> 00:24:43,574
Oh, if you find yourself
getting too excited...
452
00:24:43,748 --> 00:24:46,444
...think about your grandfather
emptying his colostomy bag.
453
00:24:46,618 --> 00:24:48,848
Works like a charm. Trust.
454
00:24:53,758 --> 00:24:55,316
Hey.
455
00:24:59,130 --> 00:25:01,121
What's going on?
456
00:25:01,566 --> 00:25:04,763
Well, Levon is losing
his virginity to a hooker...
457
00:25:04,936 --> 00:25:07,200
...in the guest room right now.
458
00:25:07,372 --> 00:25:08,737
Good for him.
459
00:25:09,374 --> 00:25:11,308
Good for him.
460
00:25:11,576 --> 00:25:13,203
- Who are you?
- He's the pimp.
461
00:25:13,378 --> 00:25:15,039
Jesus Christ.
462
00:25:15,213 --> 00:25:17,977
I handle the fucking money,
and I keep her safe from creeps.
463
00:25:18,149 --> 00:25:20,208
Don't be such a condescending prick.
464
00:25:20,385 --> 00:25:23,718
- He's the pimp.
- Did you piss your pants or something?
465
00:25:25,090 --> 00:25:26,921
Done deal.
466
00:25:27,092 --> 00:25:28,923
Another happy customer.
467
00:25:29,094 --> 00:25:31,289
Kid's got a sick fucking hog
on him, by the way.
468
00:25:31,463 --> 00:25:34,125
Hey, you're not supposed to
get excited about their cocks.
469
00:25:34,299 --> 00:25:38,133
Well, what? Some of them are better
and nicer than others. That's a fact.
470
00:25:38,303 --> 00:25:40,703
I had such a fun time, sweetie.
471
00:25:40,872 --> 00:25:42,965
Call me anytime. Tweet me, whatever.
472
00:25:43,141 --> 00:25:45,769
- I will, definitely.
- You definitely will not.
473
00:25:45,944 --> 00:25:49,778
- That shit's expensive.
- Well, we offer a frequent flyer discount.
474
00:25:49,948 --> 00:25:52,143
Peace out, weirdoes.
475
00:25:52,817 --> 00:25:56,014
- Bye, you honey.
- Bye, Marcy. Thank you.
476
00:25:57,155 --> 00:26:00,022
Take me to bed, Runks.
I haven't been laid in so long...
477
00:26:00,191 --> 00:26:02,455
...I'm starting to feel
like a born-again virgin.
478
00:26:02,627 --> 00:26:04,857
I'm not feeling very amorous, Marcy.
479
00:26:05,030 --> 00:26:07,328
My new client puked
into my crotch tonight.
480
00:26:07,499 --> 00:26:10,662
- Yeah, I can smell it.
- Have a seat, Harpo.
481
00:26:11,369 --> 00:26:13,337
Oh, man.
482
00:26:13,505 --> 00:26:16,099
- How you feeling?
- Amazing. Amazing.
483
00:26:16,274 --> 00:26:19,368
It's like my head is so fucking clear
right now, you know?
484
00:26:19,544 --> 00:26:23,412
I feel like I understand the relationship
between shit in the universe a lot better.
485
00:26:23,582 --> 00:26:26,176
I feel like I could solve
the world's bigger problems.
486
00:26:26,351 --> 00:26:28,251
- You got the poison out.
- Yes, exactly.
487
00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:30,888
- Yeah.
- How long is this feeling going to last?
488
00:26:31,056 --> 00:26:33,650
- About six or seven minutes.
- Shit.
489
00:26:33,825 --> 00:26:35,315
Better enjoy it, then.
490
00:26:35,493 --> 00:26:40,157
Oh, hey, that thing with my Grandpa
and the colostomy bag totally worked.
491
00:26:40,332 --> 00:26:42,391
How'd you know he had a bag?
492
00:26:43,301 --> 00:26:45,565
- What?
- You said you tell your mother everything.
493
00:26:45,737 --> 00:26:47,637
- Are you gonna tell her about this?
- No.
494
00:26:47,806 --> 00:26:50,707
No fucking way. Karen was right.
She would be totally pissed...
495
00:26:50,875 --> 00:26:53,810
...and think it was all fucking gross
and misogynistic and shit.
496
00:26:53,979 --> 00:26:56,004
- Okay, that's good to know.
- Yeah.
497
00:26:56,181 --> 00:26:57,648
- Hey, Dad?
- Yeah?
498
00:26:57,816 --> 00:27:01,308
Thanks again. This was truly
an epic fucking night in my life...
499
00:27:01,486 --> 00:27:05,684
...and I will never ever forget...
- You're welcome, you're welcome.
500
00:27:05,991 --> 00:27:07,549
It's a wet one.
501
00:27:08,727 --> 00:27:11,321
You'd better get me
a kick-ass Father's Day gift.
502
00:27:11,496 --> 00:27:14,556
You know I will. In fact, I'm gonna
book you some time with Nikki.
503
00:27:14,733 --> 00:27:17,600
She did this thing with her vagina.
It was talking to my dick.
504
00:27:17,769 --> 00:27:19,634
That's too much.
505
00:27:22,340 --> 00:27:23,705
Smell my fingers.
506
00:27:23,875 --> 00:27:25,968
- Go to bed.
- Okay.
Ripped By mstoll