1 00:00:04,735 --> 00:00:06,668 Killing bad guys is my business, 2 00:00:06,670 --> 00:00:08,637 and business be fucking crackin'. 3 00:00:08,639 --> 00:00:10,405 Ha ha. 4 00:00:10,407 --> 00:00:11,740 Especially when I'm killing crackheads, 5 00:00:11,742 --> 00:00:14,142 - you know what I'm saying? - Yeah. 6 00:00:14,144 --> 00:00:15,911 So don't y'all worry about the funny. 7 00:00:15,913 --> 00:00:19,915 That's my job. I bring the fucking funny. 8 00:00:19,917 --> 00:00:22,217 Here's what's not my job-- 9 00:00:22,219 --> 00:00:24,386 delivering all your expositional shit. 10 00:00:24,388 --> 00:00:26,954 Save that yickity-yack for the guest stars, all right? 11 00:00:26,956 --> 00:00:29,891 Now, Danko's cool. He's cool. 12 00:00:29,893 --> 00:00:31,893 Only time that nigga open his mouth, he got something to say, 13 00:00:31,895 --> 00:00:34,562 and that shit better be worth saying, all right? 14 00:00:34,564 --> 00:00:36,664 None of that nonsensical cop jargon y'all motherfuckers 15 00:00:36,666 --> 00:00:37,899 always be writing. 16 00:00:37,901 --> 00:00:42,469 "Watch out! Get down! Damn! 17 00:00:42,471 --> 00:00:45,673 Whoo! Now, that's how you drive!" 18 00:00:45,675 --> 00:00:48,175 I can say a whole lot with a look. 19 00:00:48,177 --> 00:00:51,646 Peep. 20 00:00:51,648 --> 00:00:53,014 - Mm. - Wow. 21 00:00:53,016 --> 00:00:54,448 - Yeah. - I don't know about you guys, 22 00:00:54,450 --> 00:00:55,950 but I think I just shit my pants. 23 00:00:55,952 --> 00:00:58,352 [Laughter] 24 00:00:58,354 --> 00:00:59,819 That's not the "shit my pants" look. 25 00:00:59,821 --> 00:01:01,522 Oh, no? 26 00:01:01,524 --> 00:01:03,723 This is the "shit my pants" look. 27 00:01:03,725 --> 00:01:05,392 Slow-mo. 28 00:01:10,398 --> 00:01:11,565 - Mm. - Oh, wow. 29 00:01:11,567 --> 00:01:13,033 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 30 00:01:13,035 --> 00:01:15,301 [Indistinct chatter] 31 00:01:15,303 --> 00:01:16,803 Y'all peep? Y'all feel that? 32 00:01:16,805 --> 00:01:18,237 - Whoo! - Oh, yeah. 33 00:01:18,239 --> 00:01:20,139 Oh, I feel it. 34 00:01:20,141 --> 00:01:22,008 It's like an electromagnetic pulsing in my asshole area. 35 00:01:22,010 --> 00:01:23,142 [Laughter] 36 00:01:23,144 --> 00:01:24,978 Yo, who's this cat? 37 00:01:24,980 --> 00:01:27,313 Hashtag Black, allow me to introduce our newest writer, 38 00:01:27,315 --> 00:01:30,616 - Hank Moody. - Oh, Hank Moody, the raper. 39 00:01:30,618 --> 00:01:32,818 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yep. The one and the same. 40 00:01:32,820 --> 00:01:34,120 I'm a big fan of all your wrongdoings. 41 00:01:34,122 --> 00:01:35,388 - Thank you. - Well, you used to work 42 00:01:35,390 --> 00:01:36,956 side by side with samurai, huh? 43 00:01:36,958 --> 00:01:39,058 He was just "Sam" to me-- Calvin, actually. 44 00:01:39,060 --> 00:01:40,659 Yeah, he said you was a cool dude. 45 00:01:40,661 --> 00:01:42,061 He also said you like sticking your pee-pee 46 00:01:42,063 --> 00:01:43,629 where it don't belong. 47 00:01:43,631 --> 00:01:44,964 Well, I like to think that doesn't define me 48 00:01:44,966 --> 00:01:46,398 as a human being. 49 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:47,800 I also like to think that my pee-pee belongs 50 00:01:47,802 --> 00:01:49,434 wherever it winds up. 51 00:01:49,436 --> 00:01:50,903 Oh, yeah. 52 00:01:50,905 --> 00:01:53,305 You gonna be my guy, Moody. 53 00:01:53,307 --> 00:01:54,707 You gonna be my set bitch. 54 00:01:54,709 --> 00:01:56,141 - Oh, no. - You cool with that, Rath? 55 00:01:56,143 --> 00:01:57,643 Absolutely. Hashtag, whatever you want. 56 00:01:57,645 --> 00:01:59,377 I'm not a big fan of the set, per se. 57 00:01:59,379 --> 00:02:01,013 I-I find the hours to be quite punishing. 58 00:02:01,015 --> 00:02:04,015 Has anybody given thought to maybe starting later 59 00:02:04,017 --> 00:02:05,283 or shorter hours, perhaps? 60 00:02:05,285 --> 00:02:07,018 What the fuck is he going on about? 61 00:02:07,020 --> 00:02:09,287 - Fuck if I know. - Excuse me, Hashtag, 62 00:02:09,289 --> 00:02:11,556 - I'd love to pitch you an idea-- - Ahh! Yo, yo, yo. 63 00:02:11,558 --> 00:02:13,592 Pitches hurt my ears, especially pitches from bitches. 64 00:02:13,594 --> 00:02:15,693 No offense-- y'all got the tendency 65 00:02:15,695 --> 00:02:17,295 of using too many words, you know what I mean? 66 00:02:17,297 --> 00:02:19,196 Why use one word when you can use ten, right? 67 00:02:19,198 --> 00:02:21,933 Yeah. [Laughs] That's funny. 68 00:02:21,935 --> 00:02:23,635 - Actually, I can be quite brief. - Goldie! 69 00:02:23,637 --> 00:02:25,569 The man doesn't want to hear your pitch right now. 70 00:02:25,571 --> 00:02:28,039 Yo, peace, writer peoples. 71 00:02:28,041 --> 00:02:29,273 Let me walk you out, Hashtag. 72 00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:30,875 - Love you. Love you. - Hashtag. 73 00:02:30,877 --> 00:02:33,511 Kickoff party tonight at my place--be there. 74 00:02:33,513 --> 00:02:35,712 Behave yourselves, don't break anything, 75 00:02:35,714 --> 00:02:37,248 and no fucking in my pool... 76 00:02:37,250 --> 00:02:39,283 Terry. [Laughter] 77 00:02:39,285 --> 00:02:40,717 Hey, does anybody else want to be set bitch? 78 00:02:40,719 --> 00:02:42,786 - Set--set bitches? Set bitch? - No. 79 00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:45,088 Set bitch? Terry, I'll arm-wrestle you for it. 80 00:02:45,090 --> 00:02:47,191 - Come on. - No. 81 00:02:47,193 --> 00:02:50,194 [Upbeat music] 82 00:02:50,196 --> 00:03:00,433 Edited by kurmudgeon, thanks honeybunny for original script www.addic7ed.com 83 00:03:41,377 --> 00:03:44,279 Holy TV money, Batman. 84 00:03:44,281 --> 00:03:47,015 Yeah, look at that--the house that utter mediocrity built. 85 00:03:47,017 --> 00:03:49,384 It's inspiring, Hank. 86 00:03:49,386 --> 00:03:52,721 I've never felt more determined to sign TV-writer clients. 87 00:03:52,723 --> 00:03:55,390 Do not shit where I eat, Charlie--it's unsanitary. 88 00:03:55,392 --> 00:03:58,960 Oh, greetings and salutations, 24-hour party people. 89 00:03:58,962 --> 00:04:00,795 Mom, th--this is the guy I was telling you about, 90 00:04:00,797 --> 00:04:02,130 the one who came in his pants. 91 00:04:02,132 --> 00:04:04,232 Nice to meet you. Charlie Runkle. 92 00:04:04,234 --> 00:04:06,968 - Nice to meet you. - I'm Hank's manager 93 00:04:06,970 --> 00:04:08,903 and heterosexual life mate. 94 00:04:08,905 --> 00:04:09,971 Nice to meet you. 95 00:04:09,973 --> 00:04:12,006 You must be the lovely Julia. 96 00:04:12,008 --> 00:04:13,608 Number one on the baby mama call sheet. 97 00:04:13,610 --> 00:04:15,276 Levon says great things about you. 98 00:04:15,278 --> 00:04:17,678 Not really, like, at all, ever. 99 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,780 So, dad, what do you think? We gonna see some big tits 100 00:04:19,782 --> 00:04:21,949 and round asses up in here tonight? 101 00:04:21,951 --> 00:04:23,284 Honey, I'm not afraid to pull your pants down 102 00:04:23,286 --> 00:04:24,652 and spank your bare ass 103 00:04:24,654 --> 00:04:26,186 in a room full of strangers, you know? 104 00:04:26,188 --> 00:04:27,788 I know you're not, mom. I'm sorry. 105 00:04:27,790 --> 00:04:29,223 All right, go inside and behave yourself. 106 00:04:29,225 --> 00:04:30,725 - Okay. - I'm gonna talk to your dad. 107 00:04:30,727 --> 00:04:32,525 Come on, kid, let's check out the talent. 108 00:04:32,527 --> 00:04:33,894 You're not gonna walk in there pitching a tent, are you? 109 00:04:33,896 --> 00:04:35,963 - Behave. - Okay. 110 00:04:35,965 --> 00:04:38,565 What's up? 111 00:04:38,567 --> 00:04:40,901 Do you notice anything weird about Levon? 112 00:04:40,903 --> 00:04:42,569 How could you possibly tell? 113 00:04:42,571 --> 00:04:45,873 He seems different-- more relaxed, confident. 114 00:04:45,875 --> 00:04:48,007 - That's a bad thing? - No, it's great. 115 00:04:48,009 --> 00:04:49,442 I just--I'm not used to it. 116 00:04:49,444 --> 00:04:51,110 Well, maybe having a job 117 00:04:51,112 --> 00:04:53,112 has done wonders for the young man's psyche. 118 00:04:53,114 --> 00:04:55,348 Or maybe knowing his dad, who's actually proving to be 119 00:04:55,350 --> 00:04:56,916 something of a positive role model. 120 00:04:56,918 --> 00:04:59,852 I-I don't think that could be it, do you? 121 00:04:59,854 --> 00:05:02,756 [Laughs] 122 00:05:02,758 --> 00:05:04,523 Wow. Nice house. 123 00:05:04,525 --> 00:05:06,859 Yeah. One day, all this could be yours. 124 00:05:06,861 --> 00:05:09,361 Mrs. Julia Rath-- has a nice ring to it. 125 00:05:09,363 --> 00:05:10,629 Oh, it's just one date. 126 00:05:10,631 --> 00:05:12,531 Hope he wasn't too "handsy." 127 00:05:12,533 --> 00:05:14,033 No, he was a perfect gentleman. 128 00:05:14,035 --> 00:05:15,768 Actually, too perfect, you know? 129 00:05:15,770 --> 00:05:17,937 'Cause sometimes you just want a guy to, like--[Grunts] 130 00:05:17,939 --> 00:05:21,173 What? What? You want a guy to what? 131 00:05:21,175 --> 00:05:23,108 My schween is hanging on your every word. 132 00:05:23,110 --> 00:05:25,577 There's a potential erection hanging in the balance here. 133 00:05:25,579 --> 00:05:27,212 What? Nothing. 134 00:05:27,214 --> 00:05:28,681 I haven't been to a party in so long, 135 00:05:28,683 --> 00:05:30,582 I don't even know what to do. 136 00:05:30,584 --> 00:05:32,618 Well, it's like riding a bike. You just have a drink or ten 137 00:05:32,620 --> 00:05:34,453 and then hope you don't wake up with a tattoo 138 00:05:34,455 --> 00:05:36,722 or a bloody asshole or both. 139 00:05:36,724 --> 00:05:38,523 - Shall we? - [Laughs] 140 00:05:38,525 --> 00:05:42,527 [Electronic music] 141 00:05:42,529 --> 00:05:46,531 [Indistinct chatter] 142 00:05:49,635 --> 00:05:51,336 - Get me a refill. - Oh. 143 00:05:51,338 --> 00:05:52,971 I like when you order me around. 144 00:05:52,973 --> 00:05:54,739 I'm--I'm serious. I do. 145 00:05:54,741 --> 00:05:58,676 - Stu, Nikki, how's it hanging? - Hank, how are you? 146 00:05:58,678 --> 00:06:01,111 - Hey, buddy. - How's the kid? 147 00:06:01,113 --> 00:06:03,147 Still basking in the afterglow. 148 00:06:03,149 --> 00:06:04,682 Uh, you two guys know each other? 149 00:06:04,684 --> 00:06:06,917 She relieved my son of his virginity. 150 00:06:06,919 --> 00:06:10,020 World class, dude. 151 00:06:10,022 --> 00:06:12,957 I wish my pops would've popped my cherry like that. 152 00:06:12,959 --> 00:06:16,026 Instead, he sat me down and gave me a copy of Playboy 153 00:06:16,028 --> 00:06:18,428 and told me both men and women had nipples. 154 00:06:18,430 --> 00:06:20,797 [Groans] Can--can we keep the whole 155 00:06:20,799 --> 00:06:23,033 levon/hooker thing on the D.L.? 156 00:06:23,035 --> 00:06:24,801 His mom is here, and she doesn't know anything about it. 157 00:06:24,803 --> 00:06:26,970 Oh, I am nothing if not discreet. 158 00:06:26,972 --> 00:06:30,741 Oh, now, that is true. She is amazing. 159 00:06:30,743 --> 00:06:32,642 She lets me do the kinkiest stuff to her, 160 00:06:32,644 --> 00:06:34,478 and she never tells a soul. 161 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,246 Aw, you are so cute. [Laughs] 162 00:06:36,248 --> 00:06:37,947 Sounds like a keeper. 163 00:06:37,949 --> 00:06:39,416 Yeah, and she looks like Marcy, right? 164 00:06:39,418 --> 00:06:41,918 - Yo, Moody. - Hey, Hashtag. 165 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:43,719 - How you be, bro? - I be good. 166 00:06:43,721 --> 00:06:45,488 - Hashtag. - Big Dick Beggs! 167 00:06:45,490 --> 00:06:48,524 Hashtag. [Both grunting] 168 00:06:48,526 --> 00:06:50,493 Yo, they say he got a big dick, though, right? 169 00:06:50,495 --> 00:06:51,928 - Yeah. - He's crazy. 170 00:06:51,930 --> 00:06:53,729 Yo, Stu, I got to talk to Moody over here. 171 00:06:53,731 --> 00:06:54,730 - Whatever. - Ah. 172 00:06:54,732 --> 00:06:56,199 [Indistinct chatter] 173 00:06:56,201 --> 00:06:57,666 Yo, Moody, I got to level with you, man. 174 00:06:57,668 --> 00:06:59,168 Rath is fucking my shit up. 175 00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:00,503 All right, that's probably something 176 00:07:00,505 --> 00:07:02,538 you should bring up with Rath. 177 00:07:02,540 --> 00:07:04,407 Motherfucker's too stubborn to hear my words. 178 00:07:04,409 --> 00:07:06,041 He's all about the drama. I'm all about the fucking funny. 179 00:07:06,043 --> 00:07:08,076 He wants to do The Wire. 180 00:07:08,078 --> 00:07:09,412 I'm trying to do 48 Hours for a new generation, you hear me? 181 00:07:09,414 --> 00:07:11,146 - Mm-hmm. - All right, look. 182 00:07:11,148 --> 00:07:13,081 I need you to help me out like you helped Samurai out. 183 00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:15,317 We can do a modern-day action-comedy, 184 00:07:15,319 --> 00:07:17,019 emphasis on the comedy. 185 00:07:17,021 --> 00:07:19,154 I'm not really in a position to do that, Hashtag. 186 00:07:19,156 --> 00:07:20,655 And I'm--I'm not that funny. 187 00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:22,991 Yeah, but you's fucking witty, right? 188 00:07:22,993 --> 00:07:25,160 - And I'm fucking funny. - You are fucking funny. 189 00:07:25,162 --> 00:07:28,530 Together we can-- Damn, who's that piece of ass? 190 00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:30,365 That? That would be Julia. 191 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,267 She's got a small part on the show as a squad secretary. 192 00:07:32,269 --> 00:07:33,902 You're gonna be doing some scenes with her. 193 00:07:33,904 --> 00:07:35,570 Oh, I'm doing scenes with her, all right. 194 00:07:35,572 --> 00:07:37,204 I'm doing scenes with her right now up in here. 195 00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:39,373 Ah, she's also the mother of my son. 196 00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:41,543 - Oh! Oh, oh, okay. - Mm-hmm. 197 00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,912 - You're not together? - No, not currently. 198 00:07:43,914 --> 00:07:46,047 Mm. So you ain't crushing that ass? 199 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:48,550 Not--not--not at the present-- like, 20 years ago, 200 00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:50,084 and even then, I-I wasn't so much crushing it 201 00:07:50,086 --> 00:07:51,618 as admiring it. 202 00:07:51,620 --> 00:07:53,087 I don't like to be too rough with the ass. 203 00:07:53,089 --> 00:07:55,389 Oh, I like to destroy that shit. 204 00:07:55,391 --> 00:07:57,891 Mm. I want to murder that ass. 205 00:07:57,893 --> 00:07:59,293 I understand what you're saying, Hashtag, 206 00:07:59,295 --> 00:08:00,794 but your language is so aggressive. 207 00:08:00,796 --> 00:08:02,663 You see, if-- if you murder the ass, 208 00:08:02,665 --> 00:08:04,398 then there's no ass left to enjoy. 209 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,999 Well, see, that's where you're wrong, Moody. 210 00:08:06,001 --> 00:08:07,534 You know, you gotta murder that ass 211 00:08:07,536 --> 00:08:08,902 so no other motherfucker can enjoy that ass, right? 212 00:08:08,904 --> 00:08:10,270 No. 213 00:08:10,272 --> 00:08:11,471 It's like a metaphorical murder. 214 00:08:11,473 --> 00:08:12,738 - Oh, I-- - Yeah, you feel me? 215 00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:13,940 - I do feel you. I feel you. - Cool. 216 00:08:13,942 --> 00:08:15,541 - You see that? - Yeah. 217 00:08:15,543 --> 00:08:17,144 I'ma go see if I can turn this bitch out. 218 00:08:17,145 --> 00:08:18,544 I'ma catch you later. 219 00:08:18,546 --> 00:08:21,047 Think about my words-- hashtag words. 220 00:08:21,049 --> 00:08:23,749 Mm-hmm. Thought about 'em. Thought about 'em. 221 00:08:23,751 --> 00:08:25,051 What the fuck was that about? 222 00:08:25,053 --> 00:08:26,586 It seems your number one 223 00:08:26,588 --> 00:08:29,054 is warm for your number 16's form. 224 00:08:29,056 --> 00:08:31,123 And he doesn't like the way you're writing him. 225 00:08:31,125 --> 00:08:33,325 So it's not enough that I have to fight with this motherfucker 226 00:08:33,327 --> 00:08:36,562 over expository dialogue, now he feels entitled to my woman? 227 00:08:36,564 --> 00:08:38,330 Oh, she's your woman now? 228 00:08:38,332 --> 00:08:40,633 Come on, cut me some slack, all right? 229 00:08:40,635 --> 00:08:43,369 I'm a little heated up. She say anything about me? 230 00:08:43,371 --> 00:08:44,936 Well, she said you were the perfect gentleman. 231 00:08:44,938 --> 00:08:46,872 - Good, good. - Yeah. 232 00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:48,307 I'm trying, you know? Usually I'm a fucking asshole. 233 00:08:48,309 --> 00:08:49,541 Yeah. 234 00:08:49,543 --> 00:08:50,942 Trying to take it easy with her. 235 00:08:50,944 --> 00:08:52,311 Right. But sometimes, you know, you got to... 236 00:08:52,313 --> 00:08:53,745 What? 237 00:08:53,747 --> 00:08:55,481 Well, you know, sometimes you got to-- 238 00:08:55,483 --> 00:08:57,549 - sometimes you got to what? - You know. 239 00:08:57,551 --> 00:08:59,118 Shit, here comes Shrek. 240 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,652 That's my son you're talking about--Shrek. 241 00:09:00,654 --> 00:09:02,387 I'm sorry, all right? I'm all worked up. 242 00:09:02,389 --> 00:09:03,822 I got to head this shit off at the pass. 243 00:09:03,824 --> 00:09:05,123 All right. 244 00:09:05,125 --> 00:09:06,958 - Guess what. - Wait. 245 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,728 You were born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas day, 246 00:09:09,730 --> 00:09:11,095 when The New York Times said 247 00:09:11,097 --> 00:09:12,564 God is dead, and the war's begun. 248 00:09:12,566 --> 00:09:14,132 Shut up. Come on, I hate that. 249 00:09:14,134 --> 00:09:16,234 - Nikki's here. - I know. She's with Stu Beggs. 250 00:09:16,236 --> 00:09:17,468 Can I borrow some money? 251 00:09:17,470 --> 00:09:20,905 Oh, so Levon does like his money. Why? 252 00:09:20,907 --> 00:09:23,874 - I want to bone her again. - She's with Stu. 253 00:09:23,876 --> 00:09:25,410 So what? She can't spare a few minutes 254 00:09:25,412 --> 00:09:27,078 - for some repeat business? - Your mom is here. 255 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:28,746 So? There's a ton of rooms in this place. 256 00:09:28,748 --> 00:09:30,281 And it's very expensive. 257 00:09:30,283 --> 00:09:32,216 - Okay, I'll pay you back. - No, you won't. 258 00:09:32,218 --> 00:09:34,217 God damn it, I'm really pissed at you right now. 259 00:09:34,219 --> 00:09:35,886 I'm a little pissed at you right now. 260 00:09:35,888 --> 00:09:37,621 [Sighs] That feeling is back, you know, 261 00:09:37,623 --> 00:09:39,590 - like I-I got to fuck something. - Okay. 262 00:09:39,592 --> 00:09:41,625 - I need a release. - Look, I understand. 263 00:09:41,627 --> 00:09:43,493 Just--just try to find a nice, quiet bathroom 264 00:09:43,495 --> 00:09:45,395 and go beat off-- you'll feel much better. 265 00:09:45,397 --> 00:09:46,664 Just make sure you clean up afterwards 266 00:09:46,666 --> 00:09:48,198 and wash your hands, all right? 267 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,800 Yeah, but now that I got my dick wet, 268 00:09:49,802 --> 00:09:51,701 beating off just seems kind of lame, you know? 269 00:09:51,703 --> 00:09:53,470 Yes, I get that. 270 00:09:53,472 --> 00:09:55,672 But masturbation is still gonna be a huge part of your life. 271 00:09:55,674 --> 00:09:57,607 Even though you got laid, girls aren't just gonna 272 00:09:57,609 --> 00:09:59,642 automatically start hurling themselves at you. 273 00:09:59,644 --> 00:10:01,644 I should've just stayed a fucking virgin. 274 00:10:01,646 --> 00:10:03,447 It would've been a lot better not having a glimpse 275 00:10:03,449 --> 00:10:05,982 - of the promised land. - Good talk. 276 00:10:10,955 --> 00:10:12,722 Ah. 277 00:10:12,724 --> 00:10:15,124 Are you sure you should be... drinking? 278 00:10:15,126 --> 00:10:17,159 I'm not allergic to vodka, asshole. 279 00:10:17,161 --> 00:10:19,462 Sorry. Who would know? 280 00:10:19,464 --> 00:10:21,330 You know what I am allergic to? 281 00:10:21,332 --> 00:10:23,966 - Semen. - Oh, really? 282 00:10:23,968 --> 00:10:25,434 Yeah, can't spit or swallow. 283 00:10:25,436 --> 00:10:26,969 Totally burns the back of my throat. 284 00:10:26,971 --> 00:10:28,537 One time I took one up top. 285 00:10:28,539 --> 00:10:31,273 Fucking broke out in hives and blotches. 286 00:10:31,275 --> 00:10:33,942 Blowing a load on me is like throwing holy water 287 00:10:33,944 --> 00:10:35,277 on Linda Blair. 288 00:10:35,279 --> 00:10:37,946 [Both laughing] 289 00:10:37,948 --> 00:10:39,381 What up? 290 00:10:39,383 --> 00:10:41,783 I'm so fucking pissed at Rath right now. 291 00:10:41,785 --> 00:10:43,218 Oh, why? 292 00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:45,353 He let Hashtag call me a bitch today. 293 00:10:45,355 --> 00:10:47,255 That doesn't really seem like Rath's style. 294 00:10:47,257 --> 00:10:49,024 Why would you take his side? 295 00:10:49,026 --> 00:10:52,427 I'm not taking his side. Goldie, cooler heads, hmm? 296 00:10:52,429 --> 00:10:53,629 Cooler heads. 297 00:10:53,631 --> 00:10:55,063 First, he rewrites me, 298 00:10:55,065 --> 00:10:56,897 then he humiliates me in front of Hashtag. 299 00:10:56,899 --> 00:10:59,267 I mean, he--he's trying to send me a message, Charlie. 300 00:10:59,269 --> 00:11:01,236 He's out to get me. 301 00:11:01,238 --> 00:11:03,605 This is all part of his plan, that slimy motherfucker... 302 00:11:03,607 --> 00:11:05,906 woman-hating dickhead. 303 00:11:05,908 --> 00:11:09,444 - Goldie. There she is. - Rath, hi. 304 00:11:09,446 --> 00:11:10,911 - You good? - Great. 305 00:11:10,913 --> 00:11:12,213 Good, I made sure they had 306 00:11:12,215 --> 00:11:13,514 some of that gluten-free shit for you. 307 00:11:13,516 --> 00:11:15,382 - There you go. - You're the best. 308 00:11:15,384 --> 00:11:17,685 What a great home-- beautiful. 309 00:11:17,687 --> 00:11:20,921 Work hard, you'll get there, right? 310 00:11:20,923 --> 00:11:22,923 Hey, I hope you're not using my party 311 00:11:22,925 --> 00:11:24,458 as an opportunity to poach clients, huh? 312 00:11:24,460 --> 00:11:26,093 Never. 313 00:11:26,095 --> 00:11:27,561 As if anyone would ever want to sign 314 00:11:27,563 --> 00:11:30,664 with this fucking degenerate lunatic, right? 315 00:11:30,666 --> 00:11:33,700 Have fun. 316 00:11:38,506 --> 00:11:40,106 I can't tell you much, 317 00:11:40,108 --> 00:11:42,742 but I can tell you that we're planning 318 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,345 on putting you in some seriously hot outfits. 319 00:11:45,347 --> 00:11:46,746 Truth. 320 00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,414 Shut the fuck up, Hugh. 321 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,249 You're creeping out the female lead of the show. 322 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:51,751 Don't worry about it-- he has absolutely 323 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,452 no decision-making power. 324 00:11:53,454 --> 00:11:55,354 And he loves cupcakes and Coldplay 325 00:11:55,356 --> 00:11:56,923 and sticking pencils up his pooper. 326 00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,825 Who doesn't love Coldplay? 327 00:11:58,827 --> 00:12:01,327 - And you are? - Hank Moody--newbie writer. 328 00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:04,963 Be gentle with me. 329 00:12:04,965 --> 00:12:06,999 You're the one who wrote the movie, right? 330 00:12:07,001 --> 00:12:08,767 I am one of 19 people who wrote the movie 331 00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:10,303 that never came out, yeah. 332 00:12:10,305 --> 00:12:11,970 And you wrote Fucking & Punching? 333 00:12:11,972 --> 00:12:14,139 I am only one of six people who wrote that, 334 00:12:14,141 --> 00:12:15,974 which is why it's so damn good. 335 00:12:15,976 --> 00:12:17,976 It is good. God, I love that movie. 336 00:12:17,978 --> 00:12:20,478 Aw, shucks. Thank you. 337 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,681 [Chuckles] Can I be honest with you? 338 00:12:22,683 --> 00:12:24,750 If you must. 339 00:12:24,752 --> 00:12:26,752 I don't like the way Rath is writing my character. 340 00:12:26,754 --> 00:12:29,287 You should probably bring that up with Rath, then. 341 00:12:29,289 --> 00:12:31,790 I did, and he blew me off. 342 00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:33,425 Can we talk about it for a minute? 343 00:12:33,427 --> 00:12:36,461 You mean, like, right now? 344 00:12:36,463 --> 00:12:38,396 I'll make it worth your while. 345 00:12:38,398 --> 00:12:40,998 - Ow. - [Chuckles] 346 00:12:44,169 --> 00:12:47,305 Hey. Hey, there, Runkle. 347 00:12:47,307 --> 00:12:49,841 How--how you doing? How's married life? 348 00:12:49,843 --> 00:12:51,909 Oh, it's, you know, ups and downs, Stu. 349 00:12:51,911 --> 00:12:54,511 Checks and bal--all good in the proverbial hood, yeah. 350 00:12:54,513 --> 00:12:56,647 Yeah, wait, wait. You know, there's something 351 00:12:56,649 --> 00:12:58,082 I've been meaning to talk to you about. 352 00:12:58,084 --> 00:12:59,751 Oh, yeah? What's that, Stu? 353 00:12:59,753 --> 00:13:03,387 I want to sleep with Marcy again. 354 00:13:03,389 --> 00:13:06,858 Stu... 355 00:13:06,860 --> 00:13:08,892 what is wrong with you? 356 00:13:08,894 --> 00:13:11,194 I don't know. 357 00:13:11,196 --> 00:13:13,731 I mean, my career is on fire. 358 00:13:13,733 --> 00:13:16,567 This television thing has me shitting cash. 359 00:13:16,569 --> 00:13:21,405 But, uh, without a queen, my castle is a-crumblin'. 360 00:13:21,407 --> 00:13:22,973 Look, look, look, look, look, 361 00:13:22,975 --> 00:13:25,642 I know you won her fair and square, 362 00:13:25,644 --> 00:13:28,979 but I can't stop thinking about that magnificent creature. 363 00:13:28,981 --> 00:13:32,348 You gotta move on, Stu, 'cause we are married, okay? 364 00:13:32,350 --> 00:13:33,483 Again. 365 00:13:33,485 --> 00:13:36,153 I know that. I respect that. 366 00:13:36,155 --> 00:13:37,854 - Mm. - You know... 367 00:13:37,856 --> 00:13:40,056 Marcy may very well be your soul mate, 368 00:13:40,058 --> 00:13:43,593 but that woman was born to be my sex partner. 369 00:13:43,595 --> 00:13:46,296 And I just miss her so much... 370 00:13:46,298 --> 00:13:48,898 so much. 371 00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:51,066 Like, this last time, 372 00:13:51,068 --> 00:13:52,702 she let me go down on her, 373 00:13:52,704 --> 00:13:54,470 and I wasn't able to get my helmet 374 00:13:54,472 --> 00:13:56,639 into that silky pond of hers. 375 00:13:56,641 --> 00:13:59,308 You know, she's so fucking tight, Charlie! 376 00:13:59,310 --> 00:14:01,543 I mean, she makes me feel huge. 377 00:14:01,545 --> 00:14:04,646 - And I'm already huge. - I'm well aware, Stu. 378 00:14:04,648 --> 00:14:06,481 Now, when was this 379 00:14:06,483 --> 00:14:08,884 that she let you go down on her again? 380 00:14:08,886 --> 00:14:13,222 It was way before you two were remarried, of course. 381 00:14:13,224 --> 00:14:17,258 It was a sunny day in Venice... 382 00:14:17,260 --> 00:14:19,695 Tuesday... 383 00:14:19,697 --> 00:14:22,364 quite possibly my last happy day. 384 00:14:22,366 --> 00:14:26,368 Oh, God, you guys must be boning every chance you can. 385 00:14:26,370 --> 00:14:27,902 You're fucking newlyweds. 386 00:14:27,904 --> 00:14:30,472 What is the point of this conversation, Stu? 387 00:14:30,474 --> 00:14:33,374 You miss fucking Marcy. Okay, I get it. So what? 388 00:14:33,376 --> 00:14:36,110 Runkle, I... 389 00:14:36,112 --> 00:14:38,579 have a proposal for you. 390 00:14:38,581 --> 00:14:42,283 And, yes, it is quite indecent. 391 00:14:42,285 --> 00:14:46,120 With your permission, and hers, of course, 392 00:14:46,122 --> 00:14:50,458 I am willing to pay you guys a cool $1 million 393 00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:53,927 if you will let me sleep with her again-- 394 00:14:53,929 --> 00:14:56,163 just the once, 395 00:14:56,165 --> 00:14:59,600 for as many times as we can fit into a night. 396 00:14:59,602 --> 00:15:02,102 Think about it. 397 00:15:05,039 --> 00:15:08,876 ? Suspicious 398 00:15:08,878 --> 00:15:11,211 ? I'm suspicious ? 399 00:15:11,213 --> 00:15:13,280 You totally made this worth my while. 400 00:15:13,282 --> 00:15:14,781 I told you I would. 401 00:15:14,783 --> 00:15:16,683 Your notes are fucking bullshit, 402 00:15:16,685 --> 00:15:18,618 but your weed is superb. 403 00:15:18,620 --> 00:15:21,421 - You're funny. - I am funny-- 404 00:15:21,423 --> 00:15:24,691 I mean, not like comedian funny, but I-I'm witty. 405 00:15:24,693 --> 00:15:26,593 I-I guess that's my thing. 406 00:15:26,595 --> 00:15:29,429 Witty is good, you know. Nobody's really witty anymore. 407 00:15:29,431 --> 00:15:32,599 That's right. Like--like Woody Allen or Pauly Shore. 408 00:15:32,601 --> 00:15:34,934 It's a lost art, really. 409 00:15:34,936 --> 00:15:37,770 So what brings a real writer to Santa Monica Cop? 410 00:15:37,772 --> 00:15:40,373 It was time to grow the fuck up. 411 00:15:40,375 --> 00:15:43,409 - I needed a job. - Look at you, all growed up. 412 00:15:43,411 --> 00:15:47,113 What is a serious actress doing on Santa Monica Cop? 413 00:15:47,115 --> 00:15:50,416 I needed a job too, but I'm not so keen on growing up. 414 00:15:50,418 --> 00:15:51,850 [Imitates house music] 415 00:15:51,852 --> 00:15:54,553 - [Laughs] - Excuse me. 416 00:15:54,555 --> 00:15:56,154 I need to make a confession. 417 00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,756 You're thinking impure thoughts right now. 418 00:15:57,758 --> 00:16:00,025 That's totally understandable. 419 00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:02,561 No. Um, I hate this show. 420 00:16:02,563 --> 00:16:04,663 That's also totally understandable. 421 00:16:04,665 --> 00:16:06,031 I had the option of taking this show 422 00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:08,500 or some class-up-the-ass BBC thing, 423 00:16:08,502 --> 00:16:10,368 and my agent talked me into taking this one. 424 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,503 - That's a bummer. - Yeah. 425 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:15,740 A big bummer. Can you do me a favor? 426 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,944 Can you please talk to Rath, see if maybe he can kill me off? 427 00:16:18,946 --> 00:16:20,578 - [Groans] - I promise... 428 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,214 I'll make it worth your while. 429 00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:26,351 My head is spinning with the possibilities. 430 00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:29,153 As it should, but in the meantime, 431 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,988 I have another little confession. 432 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,389 You have three tits and a dick. 433 00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:34,024 [Laughs] 434 00:16:34,026 --> 00:16:35,593 - [Snaps fingers] - Almost. 435 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,895 One of my very best friends in the whole wide world 436 00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:40,230 - is Sasha Bingham. - I know Sasha Bingham. 437 00:16:40,232 --> 00:16:41,999 I know you know Sasha Bingham. 438 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,568 Sasha Bingham is the star of Fucking & Punching. 439 00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:46,937 - She was, indeed. - We had some good times... 440 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:49,806 except for the time when I accidentally fucked her mom. 441 00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:51,976 - That was unfortunate. - She told me about that. 442 00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:55,245 She also said you give really great head. 443 00:16:55,247 --> 00:16:56,913 - She did? - Mm-hmm. 444 00:16:56,915 --> 00:16:59,583 - That is so sweet of her. - I know. She's sweet. 445 00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:02,051 That is just a very nice thing to say about a person. 446 00:17:02,053 --> 00:17:03,386 Will you give her my best? 447 00:17:03,388 --> 00:17:05,288 Absolutely. 448 00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:08,592 Speaking of which, what do you think defines great head? 449 00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:11,728 Oh, well, I-I guess you'd have to ask the head-getter. 450 00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:13,830 Well, I mean, I've had good head, 451 00:17:13,832 --> 00:17:16,099 but I don't know what makes it great. 452 00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:20,003 I think you have to treat the "bagina" like a person. 453 00:17:20,005 --> 00:17:22,271 And--and how do you treat a person? 454 00:17:22,273 --> 00:17:24,740 Like you yourself would want to be treated. 455 00:17:24,742 --> 00:17:26,242 I understand what you're saying. 456 00:17:26,244 --> 00:17:28,777 It just sounds so intellectual. 457 00:17:28,779 --> 00:17:31,414 After all, isn't it important for a writer to show 458 00:17:31,416 --> 00:17:33,749 and not to tell? 459 00:17:33,751 --> 00:17:36,919 Oh, my. Oh, dear. 460 00:17:36,921 --> 00:17:39,655 You do make a valid point. 461 00:17:39,657 --> 00:17:41,056 [Giggles] 462 00:17:41,058 --> 00:17:43,959 Permission to come aboard? 463 00:17:43,961 --> 00:17:46,028 Permission granted. 464 00:17:46,030 --> 00:17:48,731 [Laughs] 465 00:17:53,369 --> 00:17:55,137 [Moans] 466 00:17:55,139 --> 00:17:56,638 You're a very pleasant actress, very agreeable. 467 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,873 - Oh. [Clears throat] - Hmm? I can do better. 468 00:17:58,875 --> 00:18:01,410 Oh, hello. 469 00:18:01,412 --> 00:18:02,810 - Hi. - Hello. 470 00:18:02,812 --> 00:18:04,079 Sorry. 471 00:18:04,081 --> 00:18:06,581 Hi. No, no. 472 00:18:06,583 --> 00:18:08,115 - Hello. - Hi. 473 00:18:08,117 --> 00:18:10,151 Amy Taylor Walsh. It is lovely to meet you. 474 00:18:10,153 --> 00:18:11,952 I believe we're gonna be working together. 475 00:18:11,954 --> 00:18:14,021 Nice to meet you. I'm a huge fan. 476 00:18:14,023 --> 00:18:16,523 - Great. - Me too. I'm a huge fan. 477 00:18:16,525 --> 00:18:20,060 [Clears throat] 478 00:18:20,062 --> 00:18:22,295 Yeah. Um, sorry about that. 479 00:18:22,297 --> 00:18:24,164 It's none of my beeswax. 480 00:18:24,166 --> 00:18:26,033 Hmm. What's going on? 481 00:18:26,035 --> 00:18:28,801 Um, well, Hashtag asked me to go for a ride in his Bentley. 482 00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:30,803 That's probably not a good idea. 483 00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:32,539 What, like going down on the female lead of the show? 484 00:18:32,541 --> 00:18:33,873 Much like that. 485 00:18:33,875 --> 00:18:35,675 You should probably keep the flirtation 486 00:18:35,677 --> 00:18:37,410 - with Hashtag to a minimum. - I'm not flirting with him. 487 00:18:37,412 --> 00:18:39,179 He's just really fucking funny. 488 00:18:39,181 --> 00:18:41,347 He is fucking funny, and Rath is fucking jealous. 489 00:18:41,349 --> 00:18:43,283 God, so much fuss over an actress 490 00:18:43,285 --> 00:18:45,217 who hasn't worked in 20 years-- it's so fun. 491 00:18:45,219 --> 00:18:47,519 What can I say? You get the boys all hot and bothered. 492 00:18:47,521 --> 00:18:49,388 Well, it's not like I'm some commodity. 493 00:18:49,390 --> 00:18:52,391 I mean, I'm not interested in Rath or Hashtag or anyone. 494 00:18:52,393 --> 00:18:54,460 I'm just really happy to have an acting job. 495 00:18:54,462 --> 00:18:55,995 Mm-hmm. 496 00:18:55,997 --> 00:18:57,563 And I-I don't want to complicate my life. 497 00:18:57,565 --> 00:18:59,531 Like when we kissed, I really learned from that. 498 00:18:59,533 --> 00:19:01,666 That's right--we kissed. I totally forgot about that. 499 00:19:01,668 --> 00:19:03,034 You forgot that we kissed? 500 00:19:03,036 --> 00:19:04,536 No, it was just a figure of speech. 501 00:19:04,538 --> 00:19:07,306 Of course I remember. And it was very nice. 502 00:19:07,308 --> 00:19:10,476 It was nice. It was a familiar surprise. 503 00:19:10,478 --> 00:19:13,078 It was a perfect storm of booze and nitrous. 504 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,713 I was very vulnerable in that chair. 505 00:19:14,715 --> 00:19:16,148 You totally took advantage of me. 506 00:19:16,150 --> 00:19:17,516 You manipulated me 507 00:19:17,518 --> 00:19:19,550 with all these bullshit compliments 508 00:19:19,552 --> 00:19:21,720 about what a great mother I am. 509 00:19:21,722 --> 00:19:23,354 It wasn't bullshit. You are a great mother. 510 00:19:23,356 --> 00:19:25,456 - You're a fantastic mother. - Don't do that. 511 00:19:25,458 --> 00:19:26,891 Mother Teresa's got nothing on you. 512 00:19:26,893 --> 00:19:28,693 [Scoffs] That's mean. 513 00:19:28,695 --> 00:19:30,361 You're probably a better kisser than she ever was, and-- 514 00:19:30,363 --> 00:19:32,196 but who knows? Maybe she had a rocking bod 515 00:19:32,198 --> 00:19:33,732 underneath that saintly frock. 516 00:19:33,734 --> 00:19:35,833 Just let me know when you want to kiss again. 517 00:19:35,835 --> 00:19:37,735 - You just went down on a girl. - Mmm. 518 00:19:37,737 --> 00:19:39,803 - Ew. - What if I brushed my teeth? 519 00:19:39,805 --> 00:19:41,739 Come on, that's got to be a bit of a turn-on-- 520 00:19:41,741 --> 00:19:43,807 me offering to brush my teeth? 521 00:19:43,809 --> 00:19:48,012 - Why did you go down on her? - It's a long story. 522 00:19:48,014 --> 00:19:50,714 But she heard I gave good head. That's--you know... 523 00:19:50,716 --> 00:19:53,684 You do give good head. I mean, I don't know. 524 00:19:53,686 --> 00:19:56,453 I don't even remember. It was so long ago. 525 00:19:56,455 --> 00:19:57,888 Oh, fuck. 526 00:19:57,890 --> 00:19:59,623 - What? - I think I'm hard. 527 00:19:59,625 --> 00:20:02,559 Is that from before or from us? 528 00:20:02,561 --> 00:20:04,194 Who can tell? I can't differentiate. 529 00:20:04,196 --> 00:20:06,030 I mean, I-I don't know that I'd want to. 530 00:20:06,032 --> 00:20:10,400 But I think there's only one way to defuse this situation. 531 00:20:10,402 --> 00:20:13,570 How? 532 00:20:13,572 --> 00:20:16,206 Aah, get that pussy mouth away from me! 533 00:20:16,208 --> 00:20:19,543 [Laughing] 534 00:20:19,545 --> 00:20:22,078 [Squeals] 535 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,113 No, no! 536 00:20:24,115 --> 00:20:26,215 [Laughing] 537 00:20:26,217 --> 00:20:27,850 What the fuck? 538 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:29,952 I told you this motherfucker like to stick his pecker 539 00:20:29,954 --> 00:20:31,020 where it don't belong. 540 00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:32,689 Hey, I decide whose pecker 541 00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:34,791 goes in here and whose doesn't, okay? 542 00:20:34,793 --> 00:20:37,026 And you're a very charming and funny guy, 543 00:20:37,028 --> 00:20:38,895 but I'm a single mom, and I'm not easily wooed, 544 00:20:38,897 --> 00:20:40,296 even with a Bentley. 545 00:20:40,298 --> 00:20:42,097 I got--I got a Ferrari. 546 00:20:42,099 --> 00:20:44,600 And, Rick, I really enjoyed our date. 547 00:20:44,602 --> 00:20:46,803 And I-I'm so grateful to you for giving me an acting job 548 00:20:46,804 --> 00:20:48,937 and making my childhood dreams come true, 549 00:20:48,939 --> 00:20:51,373 but if the job comes with strings attached, 550 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:52,841 then I cannot and will not do it. 551 00:20:52,843 --> 00:20:54,677 No, no. No strings attached. 552 00:20:54,679 --> 00:20:56,412 The job is yours, Julia. 553 00:20:56,414 --> 00:20:59,114 I'll think about it. 554 00:20:59,116 --> 00:21:01,783 What you waiting for, Rath? Fire his fucking ass. 555 00:21:01,785 --> 00:21:03,852 You don't tell me who to hire and who to fire. 556 00:21:03,854 --> 00:21:05,320 It's my fucking show. 557 00:21:05,322 --> 00:21:07,488 My character is the fucking show. 558 00:21:07,490 --> 00:21:08,623 And who says it's your fucking character? 559 00:21:08,625 --> 00:21:09,925 Nice. 560 00:21:09,927 --> 00:21:10,926 And what the fuck are you doing? 561 00:21:10,928 --> 00:21:12,160 You know I like her. 562 00:21:12,162 --> 00:21:13,861 I know it looked like funny business, 563 00:21:13,863 --> 00:21:15,630 but it was just a tickle fight-- I swear to God, honestly. 564 00:21:15,632 --> 00:21:19,667 Rath, you are not gonna like this. 565 00:21:19,669 --> 00:21:21,502 There's fucking in the pool. 566 00:21:21,504 --> 00:21:23,671 Motherfuckers! 567 00:21:23,673 --> 00:21:25,806 Motherfuckers! 568 00:21:32,347 --> 00:21:34,414 Nine fucking bathrooms in the fucking house, 569 00:21:34,416 --> 00:21:36,917 and the asshole's got to screw in my pool, huh? 570 00:21:36,919 --> 00:21:40,354 Hey, Leon, I was very clear-- 571 00:21:40,356 --> 00:21:41,822 no fucking in my pool. 572 00:21:41,824 --> 00:21:43,758 Levon, what are you doing? 573 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,160 Nikki, I'm paying you very good money 574 00:21:46,162 --> 00:21:47,661 to be my date tonight. 575 00:21:47,663 --> 00:21:49,663 No, I know, Stu. I'm really sorry. 576 00:21:49,665 --> 00:21:51,665 I just wanted to make a little extra cash. 577 00:21:51,667 --> 00:21:54,368 And honestly, he said that Hank would take care of it. 578 00:21:54,370 --> 00:21:56,035 So, really, this is all on you. 579 00:21:56,037 --> 00:21:58,004 I told you I wasn't gonna lend you that money. 580 00:21:58,006 --> 00:22:00,173 I know, but then my head got all cloudy. 581 00:22:00,175 --> 00:22:01,375 God, this is how young people 582 00:22:01,377 --> 00:22:02,743 get in trouble with credit cards. 583 00:22:02,745 --> 00:22:05,544 She's a hooker? You're a hooker? 584 00:22:05,546 --> 00:22:07,313 Yeah, pretty much. 585 00:22:07,315 --> 00:22:08,982 But on the upside, I get tested, 586 00:22:08,984 --> 00:22:11,151 like, all the time, so we're good. 587 00:22:11,153 --> 00:22:12,385 This is so upsetting. 588 00:22:12,387 --> 00:22:13,987 You lost your virginity to a hooker. 589 00:22:13,989 --> 00:22:15,688 Not--not just. I mean-- 590 00:22:15,690 --> 00:22:18,158 - Hey, now. - I'm--don't be upset, mom. 591 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:19,725 I mean, she's really cool. 592 00:22:19,727 --> 00:22:22,561 She--she's the coolest. I think I'm in love. 593 00:22:22,563 --> 00:22:23,829 [Smooches] Aw. 594 00:22:23,831 --> 00:22:25,097 You're in love with a hooker? 595 00:22:25,099 --> 00:22:26,532 No, actually, this is pretty common. 596 00:22:26,534 --> 00:22:28,200 Guys fall in love with me all the time. 597 00:22:28,202 --> 00:22:30,035 We never should've moved to L.A. 598 00:22:30,037 --> 00:22:31,537 Did you use a condom, honey? 599 00:22:31,539 --> 00:22:33,606 - Yes. - Good. 600 00:22:33,608 --> 00:22:35,408 I'm really sorry, mom--Hank was just trying to help me out. 601 00:22:35,410 --> 00:22:37,176 I should've left it alone. I should've been content 602 00:22:37,178 --> 00:22:39,011 having sex with her once and called it a day. 603 00:22:39,013 --> 00:22:40,979 But, no, I had to fly too close to the sun. 604 00:22:40,981 --> 00:22:44,049 - This isn't the first time? - Here we go. 605 00:22:44,051 --> 00:22:45,918 I'm sorry. I-I can't lie to my moms. 606 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,619 Don't blame Hank. He thought he was doing the right thing. 607 00:22:47,621 --> 00:22:49,121 And he totally was. 608 00:22:49,123 --> 00:22:50,722 I've never felt better in my whole life. 609 00:22:50,724 --> 00:22:52,557 I feel like a great weight has been lifted, mom. 610 00:22:52,559 --> 00:22:54,592 I'm glad dad got me a hooker. 611 00:22:54,594 --> 00:22:58,496 [Gasps] You got him a hooker? 612 00:22:58,498 --> 00:23:00,231 The way in which you ask that makes me think 613 00:23:00,233 --> 00:23:03,601 you don't think it's a very good idea. 614 00:23:07,573 --> 00:23:09,941 All: Oh! - Oh, yes, okay. 615 00:23:09,943 --> 00:23:13,244 Not a very good idea at all. I'm sorry, Julia. 616 00:23:13,246 --> 00:23:15,279 I-I thought I was doing a good thing. 617 00:23:15,281 --> 00:23:16,747 Don't worry, dad. 618 00:23:16,749 --> 00:23:19,116 I-I-I'll smooth it out for you. I promise. 619 00:23:19,118 --> 00:23:20,584 You happy now, Rath? 620 00:23:20,586 --> 00:23:22,220 Okay, not now, Goldie, not now. 621 00:23:22,222 --> 00:23:24,055 This is the fucking ship that you run. 622 00:23:24,057 --> 00:23:25,723 Yes, this is the ship I run. Look at me. 623 00:23:25,725 --> 00:23:28,124 I'm captain of the HMS Fucktard. 624 00:23:28,126 --> 00:23:29,727 That's why I'm gonna take it out from underneath you, 625 00:23:29,729 --> 00:23:31,428 - because you don't deserve it. - Be my guest. 626 00:23:31,430 --> 00:23:34,398 Knock yourself out steering this ship of fools. 627 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:35,799 I will. You tell him, Charlie. 628 00:23:35,801 --> 00:23:37,468 - Tell him. - Huh? Tell him what? 629 00:23:37,470 --> 00:23:39,236 Tell him he's disrespected me for the last time. 630 00:23:39,238 --> 00:23:40,738 Oh, oh, okay. 631 00:23:40,740 --> 00:23:42,272 Rath, I think what Goldie means to say is-- 632 00:23:42,274 --> 00:23:43,974 Shut the fuck up now. 633 00:23:43,976 --> 00:23:46,309 Shutting the fuck up now. 634 00:23:46,311 --> 00:23:48,278 - You fucking pussy. - What? 635 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:49,612 What, does your suit come with tampons? 636 00:23:49,614 --> 00:23:53,449 [Laughter] 637 00:23:53,451 --> 00:23:55,151 Does that suit come with tampons? 638 00:23:55,153 --> 00:23:57,620 See, that's funny, right? If it's funny, I laugh. 639 00:23:57,622 --> 00:23:59,622 You are actually fucking funny. 640 00:23:59,624 --> 00:24:01,791 - Am I actually fucking funny? - Yeah. 641 00:24:01,793 --> 00:24:03,860 - Fuck you, Hashtag! All: Oh! 642 00:24:03,862 --> 00:24:05,628 What the fuck is wrong with you, woman? 643 00:24:05,630 --> 00:24:06,962 You think you can get away with calling me a bitch? 644 00:24:06,964 --> 00:24:08,197 I didn't call you a bitch. 645 00:24:08,199 --> 00:24:09,899 I have respect for all womankind. 646 00:24:09,901 --> 00:24:11,801 I simply said, "I don't take pitches from bitches. 647 00:24:11,803 --> 00:24:13,202 Y'all use too many words." That's it. 648 00:24:13,204 --> 00:24:15,104 Oh. Oh, okay. That's a lot better. 649 00:24:15,106 --> 00:24:17,606 You tell him he can't talk to me like that. Represent! 650 00:24:17,608 --> 00:24:19,775 Actually, I agree with everything he says. 651 00:24:19,777 --> 00:24:22,311 My own wife, Marcy, when she talks at me, 652 00:24:22,313 --> 00:24:25,114 the sheer volume of words-- it makes my ears bleed. 653 00:24:25,116 --> 00:24:26,982 Oh, this bald motherfucker knows of which he speaks. 654 00:24:26,984 --> 00:24:28,617 That's right. Thank you very much. 655 00:24:28,619 --> 00:24:30,485 All right. Oh, one of those too. I like that one. 656 00:24:30,487 --> 00:24:31,520 - Excuse me. - What? 657 00:24:31,522 --> 00:24:33,054 You're fucking fired! 658 00:24:33,056 --> 00:24:34,989 And you're fucking batshit crazy, Goldie. 659 00:24:34,991 --> 00:24:36,825 - [Growls] All: Oh! 660 00:24:36,827 --> 00:24:38,960 Oh, hey! Be nice to my agent. 661 00:24:38,962 --> 00:24:41,563 Yo, Rath, where the fuck you find these writers, man? 662 00:24:41,565 --> 00:24:43,264 You just pull outside of a Home Depot and say, 663 00:24:43,266 --> 00:24:45,567 "Hop the fuck in"? 664 00:24:45,569 --> 00:24:48,102 These are some seriously tweaked motherfuckers. 665 00:24:48,104 --> 00:24:51,005 All: Oh! - [Coughing and retching] 666 00:24:51,007 --> 00:24:53,774 - Shit, shit. - Goldie. 667 00:24:57,612 --> 00:24:59,547 [Groans] 668 00:25:03,352 --> 00:25:05,786 Riddle me this, Runks. 669 00:25:05,788 --> 00:25:07,120 How can I be in the doghouse 670 00:25:07,122 --> 00:25:09,256 with a woman I'm not even dating, 671 00:25:09,258 --> 00:25:12,192 and why do I care so fucking much? 672 00:25:15,564 --> 00:25:17,431 Do you think you still have a job? 673 00:25:17,433 --> 00:25:19,366 I don't know. 674 00:25:19,368 --> 00:25:21,335 You think Goldie still has a job? 675 00:25:21,337 --> 00:25:25,339 My guess would be "Fuck, no." 676 00:25:25,341 --> 00:25:29,443 - What's wrong, pickle lips? - [Crying] I'm broke, Hank. 677 00:25:29,445 --> 00:25:31,044 You mean like broke broke? 678 00:25:31,046 --> 00:25:34,247 Like totally and utterly broke. 679 00:25:34,249 --> 00:25:37,017 Like "I don't know how I'm gonna pay the rent next month" broke. 680 00:25:37,019 --> 00:25:41,588 Like--like--like the kind of broke that forces a man 681 00:25:41,590 --> 00:25:44,423 to do something desperate. 682 00:25:44,425 --> 00:25:46,258 I'm not gonna give you 20%, Charlie. 683 00:25:46,260 --> 00:25:48,761 My next paycheck has to go to supporting 684 00:25:48,763 --> 00:25:50,262 my son's new hooker habit. 685 00:25:50,264 --> 00:25:53,199 [Sobbing] 686 00:25:55,068 --> 00:25:56,969 We're so fucking fucked. 687 00:25:56,971 --> 00:25:59,571 Yes, we are fucking fucked, but we've been fucked before... 688 00:25:59,573 --> 00:26:01,507 [Engine turning] 689 00:26:01,509 --> 00:26:04,477 in the ass, legs pinned behind our ears, 690 00:26:04,479 --> 00:26:05,944 not a drop of lube. 691 00:26:05,946 --> 00:26:08,680 But we always come out smiling. You know why? 692 00:26:08,682 --> 00:26:12,010 'Cause that's just the kind of happy-go-lucky sluts we are, 693 00:26:12,130 --> 00:26:12,918 my man. 694 00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:15,954 ? These are the days of miracle and wonder ? 695 00:26:15,956 --> 00:26:18,924 ? this is the long-distance call ? 696 00:26:18,926 --> 00:26:22,594 Edit by kurmudgeon, thanks honeybunny for original script www.addic7ed.com 697 00:26:22,596 --> 00:26:25,964 ? the way we look to us all 698 00:26:25,966 --> 00:26:28,900 ? the way we look to a distant constellation ? 699 00:26:28,902 --> 00:26:32,970 ? that's dying in a corner of the sky ? 700 00:26:32,972 --> 00:26:35,907 ? these are the days of miracle and wonder ? 701 00:26:35,909 --> 00:26:38,108 ? don't cry, baby, don't cry ? 702 00:26:38,110 --> 00:26:40,678 ? don't cry, don't cry ? 703 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:48,618 ?