I used to be nostalgic.
Aw, those were the days.
I'd lived a life, don't get me wrong.
Hmm...
My motto was, "Learn from the past,
live in the future,
and put things in the attic,
in a box where your children can't find them."
Ah, that's where those went.
I wonder if they're still good.
♪ The odds are that we will probably be all right ♪
♪ Odds are we're gonna be all right ♪
♪ Odds are we're gonna be all right for another night ♪
Sync'd and corrected by awaqeded www.addic7ed.com
Today is look-on-the-bright-side day.
My dryer broke with all of my clothes inside it,
so I get to wear sweatpants. And yes, I am wearing
a shirt with holes in it. Tada!
You look fine!
Or you will when the dryer is fixed.
Oh! Apparently, Matzu's here.
Because he was lonely at home. He left me a present
in my slipper.
Hmm...
(yawn)
- Is there any coffee? - Wow! Hello.
Still sleeping in the boardroom?
Which is passive-aggressive for "Please don't sleep
in the boardroom anymore." Mom, could you...
- Nice Matzu. - Yeah, 'cause on the desk
- is so much better. - Aw, this is where Mommy works!
Yes, she does!
Yes, it is! Do you wanna see Mommy work?
I think we'd all like to see that.
- (cell phone vibrating) - Is that your boyfriend?
Johnny is not my boyfriend, but yes, it's him.
Awww! Nice Matsu.
He started a Twitter war with Big Pastry.
He thinks that they stole his double muffin tops.
#ScrewBigPastry.
He has 40,000 followers,
and it's only been 2 days.
I don't know what one of those words means,
but you're sure pretty.
Big Pastry? I love them!
I used to eat all their cakes.
They make all my favorite desserts: Fancydoodles, Little Wanda Cakes...
You guys don't know this, but when I was a kid,
I used to hide in the closet and eat the whole box.
The icing on the doorknob was a tip-off.
OK, not to worry,
I've got scarves for everyone!
OK. So I'm now a sales rep for Amaza Scarves.
I think I finally crawled my way out of this depressing rut of a job.
OK, Sandy, I'm gonna have to draw a little line there.
You have a terrific job as a receptionist.
- Ooh! How much for the red one? - Give me that one! Blue one!
- Gimme the blue one! - It's 1 for 20, 2 for 40.
Jimmy, take that off if you're not gonna buy it.
I want to wear it for a while, see if I want to invest in it.
OK, but you're sweating in it!
- I know that's the whole point... - OK, Sandy, Jimmy, Jimmy...
- (overlapping chatter) - (burping sound)
You made Matzu stress vomit. Awww...
Can you take that scarf off?
Oh, Charisse!
Oh, Jenna! Wow!
I'm very impressed with your business so far.
- Jenna? - Huh?
Who's your friend?
Mom, this is Charisse, my old boss.
Oh, yes. That one.
The one that humiliated you for her own sadistic pleasure
and worse, made you pick up her dry cleaning.
- I see. A mama bear. Victor. - (Victor mumbles.)
Let's be professional, shall we?
You know, what else is professional?
A smart cotton-blend accessory for that lawyer who needs to hide a hickey.
So, Charisse, to what do we owe this displeasure?
I am here on behalf of my client, Big Pastry.
Ever heard of them? Victor, honey,
you want to share the good news?
(Victor mumbling) No?
It's lawsuit time. (Charisse laughing)
So, they made an offer.
(romantic song playing softly)
Well, actually, first, a threat, but then, an offer.
So I don't sue them?
So that they don't sue you actually.
For 250 million dollars.
They stole my double muffin top recipe.
I should be allowed to speak out about that, and you,
as my girlfriend, you should support me.
OK, "girlfriend"? Because sometimes we're on
and sometimes we're off. And is that,
is that it? Oh, you want to talk
about the 250 million dollars. Copy that.
They want a public apology?
HAH!
"Hah", for the record, means no...?
No, no, no apology.
- We're going to court. - Johnny, I've never been
to court, except once to argue my own parking ticket,
and I caved and paid 50 bucks over asking.
You can do it, babe.
(little laugh)
(Ceil sighs.) So, she's still just sitting there.
Yep.
- You know what she needs? - (Ceil): Some courage.
- (Sandy): A scarf. - (Jimmy): Cattle prod.
No, no, yes.
Let's go.
- Jenna, we have been thinking... - What am I gonna do?
I can't go up against Big Pastry.
Charisse is armed with a phalanx of lawyers,
and resources, and I've got us!
If that is a pep talk, you better work on it.
Now, listen to me. You can do this.
You're great. We believe in you.
- Nothing? - I have never been to court,
let alone up against someone like Charisse.
She'll crush me! How am I going to deal with this?!
Just like you dealt with that horrible girl in fourth grade
who said you had flamingo legs.
- I cried. - Yes,
and then your mommy went right to the top!
We're gonna go see Principal Strindberg?
No, we're gonna see the CEO of Big Pastry!
- Good one, Mom! - That's actually not crazy.
OK, we didn't all need to come.
- Moral support. - Oh, I have your back.
I didn't want to wait in the car.
Hi, I'd like to see Chuck Pastry on a legal matter.
It's pronounced PAstry.
- Do you have an appointment? - Uh... no.
No, we don't have an appointment,
but I'm sure that Mr. Paaastry is really gonna want to see her.
No. Now, I don't know who you people are,
but if you wouldn't mind just...
You know what? We're not going anywhere. Alright?
No, on second thought,
we are gonna go. Sorry. Sorry for your trouble.
- Mom, Mom, what are you talking about? - No, I-I-I'd get very anxious
- in an office. I have to go. - You work in an office.
Well, I'm hardly there. You know that!
No, we can't back down now, people. Let me handle this.
AAAH! Oh, I twisted
my ankle! Twisted my ankle on this shoddy flooring.
- Storm the stairs! - What's going on out here?
(Seventies-style pop music)
♪ Love ♪
Hello, Moonbeam.
♪ The flower children spread their wings ♪
Hello, Starbuns.
♪
(Ceil and Chuck Pastry laughing and shouting happily)
What is Mom doing in there for so long?
(Ceil and Chuck Pastry laughing)
- (Sandy taking deep breath) - Is that...?
Yes, it is, and it's good stuff.
Oh, Moonbeam, Moonbeam, Moonbeam,
- when am I gonna see you again? - Ah, you can't, Starbuns.
- No, no. - Yes, you can. Yes, you can.
There's no such word as can't. Now, listen to me,
listen to me, do you still astral project?
- (Ceil): I haven't in years. - Yeah, well, do it tonight.
- No! - I'll meet you in the stars.
- I'll be sure to bring my big dipper. - (both laughing)
- But the monkey... - Go! Go! Go!
- Ugh! - (Ceil laughs.)
Ah!
Family meeting.
Children...
where do I begin? When a man and a woman are in love
and they're on LSD...
- Oh, no. - Oh, geez.
I wanna hear the rest.
Thank you, Sandy. I have a past. I was a...
What was I?
I was something. I don't know what. Ah, ah,
ah... Ah! Hippie! I was a hippie.
And she was...
And I was in the...
In there, we were... and the sun was coming out.
(Ceil laughing)
Ah!
(Ceil laughing)
OK, sibling meeting. Gather around.
(Ceil laughing)
Ah!
Ah! Oh, God!
- Wah! What a taste! - I got nothing.
- Meeting adjourned. - Ah, that's good!
I can't believe
she's never shown us that box before. I mean,
who knew that Mom had this whole secret life?
She was a hippie. She lived in a commune.
I never knew Mom and I had so much in common.
Check this out. It's a picture of Mom
and Chuck Pastry.
- What? - Oh my... God!
Mom wrote a manifesto?!
No, wait, a "womanifesto".
"Marriage is oppression, bras are oppression,
- and children are slavery." Nice. - Hmm...
Thanks. With that and this half-burned bra,
I'm done.
Oh, this is a letter from Starbuns.
He was a baker at the commune.
"After our lovemaking last night..."
- Skip ahead, skip ahead! - Skip ahead.
"Yes, I stole the secret for Spaltsticks
to try and impress you." He's done it before.
If we can establish a pattern, then maybe we have a case.
Jimmy, what are you eating?
I think it's a 40-year-old Spaltstick.
OK. If Mom has an in
with this guy, then maybe we can...
- I'll never see him again. - (seventies-style music)
If you want to know about Chuck,
then let me tell you the story
of young Ceil Dingus,
the pride of Sault Ste Marie.
- What's with the robe? - This was your mother
in 1972,
the year of my sexual awakening.
God, here comes that Spaltstick.
It's all here in my diary, page 23.
Out loud.
Oh! Mm-hmm. Uh...
"Today is the day I leave
- the commune forever." - Next stanza, Sandy.
Oh! OK.
"Starbuns has a power over me. He taught me to find my voice
and how to go braless under an all-season robe,
but he's controlling, and some deodorant wouldn't hurt."
Jimmy.
"I know I have to get away
from his controlling ways. I can't even say goodbye."
Oh, wow, that's powerful, Mommy.
I vowed from that moment on
that I would never,
never be alone
with Starbuns again.
Well, that was normal.
(Johnny): What's your news?
Well, I suspect that Chuck Pastry
has stolen recipes from other people before,
so I put Johnny undercover in the Big Pastry factory.
Oh, my God! Smart and gorgeous.
- (both chuckling) - Should we... make out?
Jenna, we're right in the middle of taking down Big Pastry.
How can you even think about making out?
I'm just gonna lay it on the line here: am I your girlfriend?
Yes, totally but, you know,
I'm not big on commitment and I'm not over my ex.
- (cell phone ringing) - Way to ruin a yes!
(Jenna sighs.)
- Charisse? - Great news, Jenna.
I just got off the phone with the judge...
a really good friend of mine... and we have a court date.
- Victor, are you on the line? - Uh...
- When's the court date? - Can you hold on
just one second, Charisse?
MOM, I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK! Uh, it's in 2 weeks, Mom.
- Oh, Charisse! - OK, drop off.
Victor?
What is happening?
I'm just picturing you on the other side
peeing your pants in terror. Ha! Ha!
OK, last chance, are you guys settling?
That's it? You're not offering
any other terms, just a public apology
because Big Pastry stole a recipe that wasn't theirs
to begin with? We are so not settling! Should we settle?
- No way. - Do you need a minute?
And by the way, I am not waiting around
for you to figure out how you feel about your ex!
But I will wait a little while. How long do you need?
- [Jenna, are you there?] - He's not settling
for your terms. And I'm not settling for this by the way.
I can't commit. We got a good thing going, why ruin it?
How is this a, "good thing"?
[Hello? Hello?]
- I'm not worried, Charisse. - Oh, you should be worried
because I have an army of litigators,
10 million dollars to burn, and that close personal friend,
- the judge. Remember? - Yeah, well,
I have justice on my side, and a solid case, and I hate you!
I might hate you too.
Jenna, Jenna.
Tell me you didn't steal those.
No.
Yes. But Big Pastry also did. I went to the factory like you asked;
this guy told me that Big Pastry
stole Little Wanda Cakes. Little Wanda is a real person.
You know Fancydoodle Chocopuffs that Big Pastry sells?
Oh, my God! The ultimate stoner food.
Oh, whatever, I was high so sue me.
- He's a real guy too. - Jimmy, this is great!
This is the case! Does anyone else know about this?
My friend Louie, the ex-con, yeah.
He says that Chuck Pastry just goes around bragging he stole people's recipes.
OK. Well, not the first witness we'll call,
but I think I know where to start.
Where's Mom?
Chuck has agreed to let me depose him,
but only if Mom's there. I left her a message about it.
- Where is she? - I don't know.
- She's hiding. - What's the point
of hiding if you're gonna say I'm hiding?!
I mean, really?
Jenna, you know I would do anything for you,
but I can't see Chuck again
or I will be under his psycho-sexual-spiritual spell
forever.
Mom, your soul is trapped in the past.
You need to retrieve it. You'll have to say goodbye
or he'll always have a power over you.
I need to go back?
Ceil Dingus needs to go back.
I need to go back.
- Hello? - (70s pop song playing softly)
Mr. Pastry?
Hello?
Well, well, well,
the whole gang's here.
- We're here for the deposition. - Moonbeam!
- Mom, goddess power. - Stay strong.
- I am. - Dance!
OK.
♪ Good sense, innocence ♪
♪ Crippling mankind ♪
♪ Who cares what games we choose ♪
♪ Little to win ♪
♪ But nothing to lose ♪
♪ Look at yourself Look at yourself ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Incense, peppermints ♪
♪ Incense ♪
- ♪ Peppermints ♪ - (Sandy): Mommy? Mommy?
- MOM! - ♪ Peppermints ♪
- I can't. I can't! - They're not looking.
♪ Sha la la ♪
Oh, man, is she hot!
I'll tell you, when your mother left me,
I mean, I just fell apart. She left me for that schmuck.
- What's his name? - Daddy.
Yes. I was in freefall, dude.
It was tough, tough.
Is that why you feel like it's OK to destroy people
like Little Wanda and Edward Fancydoodle?
Yes.
- It is. - Yes? Oh!
Say that again while I get all my stuff working here.
Where is that stupid app?
OK. I want to ask you something.
Why can't I get this thing to work!?
What do you think happens when someone
bites into one of my Little Wanda Cakes?
Explosion of happiness.
My company sells
one billion happiness explosions a year,
and yet, you, Jenna Engel,
think that you can take that on?
YOU THINK YOU CAN MESS WITH MY SUCCESS?
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF SOMEONE TRIES?
I RIP OUT THEIR THROAT, I GLAZE IT,
AND THEN I SPRINKLE IT WITH CHOCOLATE, AND THEN I EAT IT!
Grrrr! Num-num-num!
Starbuns, I heard everything you said.
- Look who's pretty. - What happened
to the man I knew?
I'll give it all up. I will. I'll give up the company
and the lawsuit, and the clothes, and everything.
I'll be that guy again. I need you to be with me, that's all.
I can't be with you, Starbuns.
♪ So sad, the flower children fly away ♪
You can't be without me, baby.
Yes, I can, Chuck.
I can.
- Chuck? - Oh! I got it working. Is there anything
that you'd like to say on the record?
Is there anything I would like to say on the record? Ah, sure,
I would like people to know that my creamy center
is now filled with despair.
And that if anyone
is looking for me...
I'LL BE RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS BUCK-NAKED
ON FIRE WITH INTERNAL FEAR.
THAT'S WHERE I AM!
SCREAMING DESPAIR IS MY NEW MIDDLE NAME!
- AAAH! - There's the man
- I knew. - (Chuck): I need to be held by someone!
What was I thinking?
So, Chuck Pastry admitted what he did, but without corroboration, this evidence
- lacks probative value. - Jenna, look what I just got from Chuck.
Please, Mom, no more hippie sexcapades.
This is a video admitting everything about Big Pastry.
- I haven't watched it yet. - Oh, Mom, I could kiss you.
- I'm sorry I ever doubted you. - Oh! You doubted me?
What? No, not ever. Let's see.
- OK. - I, Chuck Pastry,
confess to having stolen
the double muffin top recipe.
Ah! Oh, my God!
We've won the case! We've won!
- We've won! - (Ceil and Jenna): Ah-ah-ah-ah!
I did this under the orders of Maldrake,
the dark overseer,
whose spaceship will soon be arriving
to take me to his planet
for a cleansing retreat and anal probe.
- This is us losing the case. - No more lies. Uh-uh.
I will not live the lie anymore.
Is it hot? Am I the only one who's boiling up?
- 'Cause it seems hot. - Oh!
- Yes! - No! OK!
Let's keep those clothes on. OK, how do you fix it?
Rewind!
Oh! Oh!
MALDRAKE! Keep your hands to yourself, Maldrake.
One thing at a beach is another thing...
in a confessional.
- Poor Chuck. - Poor Chuck?
He's suing my client for 250 million dollars,
- and I have no case! - Yeah, there's that.
But it's the power of my love that drove him crazy.
Actually, I can certainly see
how that can happen. Alright,
let's win this case. What do we got?
- I have some kung pao! - What? Where?
- Uh, that one. - Yum!
Now, we're either gonna win or go down in flames,
but I'll be in good company.
Are you talking to yourself, dear?
Sync'd and corrected by awaqeded www.addic7ed.com