1
00:00:04,810 --> 00:00:06,500
What's the giant emergency?

2
00:00:06,550 --> 00:00:07,990
Shannon's moving out.

3
00:00:08,190 --> 00:00:10,650
Don't do this, Shannon.
What we have is real.

4
00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:13,370
Don't do this to us.

5
00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:14,910
I'm getting married.

6
00:00:16,310 --> 00:00:19,510
Yeah, but what about our
motorcycle club... Dos Lobos?

7
00:00:20,410 --> 00:00:21,900
See you around, Danny.

8
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,130
All right, but I swear...

9
00:00:23,140 --> 00:00:25,740
If you walk out that door,
I will not take you ba...

10
00:00:25,790 --> 00:00:27,420
Okay, but if you start that car,

11
00:00:27,420 --> 00:00:28,990
then I will not take you ba...

12
00:00:29,020 --> 00:00:30,560
Okay, but if you do a cute honk

13
00:00:30,590 --> 00:00:32,730
and then reverse out of
the driveway, I will...

14
00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:33,930
Ah!

15
00:00:36,130 --> 00:00:39,710
Can't you just get one of your other
adorable man-child friends to move in?

16
00:00:39,730 --> 00:00:41,570
But all my friends are buried...

17
00:00:42,270 --> 00:00:45,040
Married. ...
I-I-I said "buried." "I meant "married."

18
00:00:46,100 --> 00:00:48,680
Oh, you met someone.

19
00:00:48,740 --> 00:00:51,310
She seems smart.
Is she a doctor?

20
00:00:52,390 --> 00:00:54,880
She made me feel better.

21
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,220
Danny, I don't want to sound like mom,

22
00:00:58,250 --> 00:01:00,410
but you got to find a
purpose... something greater

23
00:01:00,420 --> 00:01:02,900
than just satisfying
your own shallow desires.

24
00:01:04,250 --> 00:01:05,890
Oh, you're serious?

25
00:01:06,860 --> 00:01:08,560
This was acceptable in your 20s,

26
00:01:08,690 --> 00:01:11,060
but you are pushing 30,
and it's getting creepy.

27
00:01:11,090 --> 00:01:13,630
And creepy sticks. It's
like herpes. It's for life.

28
00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,080
Hey, look: no one wants
to be the 40-year-old guy

29
00:01:18,090 --> 00:01:19,060
who goes to the bar alone,

30
00:01:19,070 --> 00:01:21,160
and you don't have to be that, Danny.

31
00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:22,700
You have so much potential.

32
00:01:23,740 --> 00:01:25,910
You're absolutely sure
that herpes is for life?

33
00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:29,040
I'm out of here like a herd of turtles.

34
00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:31,650
Les, I know that you're
just trying to help,

35
00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,310
but, like, I'm happy.

36
00:01:33,750 --> 00:01:34,920
I mean, you see this?

37
00:01:34,950 --> 00:01:37,020
This is on my face, like, all day.

38
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,660
I'll try to get rid of it for a second.
Watch.

39
00:01:39,990 --> 00:01:42,090
Yeah, can't do it, man.

40
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,850
Well, good luck with the roommate hunt.

41
00:01:43,950 --> 00:01:46,090
Shannon gave me hookups
to a guy who needs a room.

42
00:01:46,130 --> 00:01:47,510
He's, uh... he's a cool dude.

43
00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:48,390
He owns a bar.

44
00:01:48,430 --> 00:01:50,330
Hey, are you gonna see her again?

45
00:01:50,530 --> 00:01:51,130
No.

46
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,070
All right, I'm keeping it.

47
00:01:57,430 --> 00:02:01,600
♪ That's all they
really wa-a-a-a-nt ♪

48
00:02:01,710 --> 00:02:05,100
♪ Some
fu-u-u-u-u-n.

49
00:02:05,110 --> 00:02:08,250
♪ Don't ya love me, baby

50
00:02:08,270 --> 00:02:10,870
♪ well, oh girls

51
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,520
♪ they want to have fu-u-n

52
00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:14,920
♪ Ohh, girls...

53
00:02:15,170 --> 00:02:16,390
What the hell?

54
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,990
You must be Danny.

55
00:02:22,330 --> 00:02:24,660
Killer pipes, man.

56
00:02:24,780 --> 00:02:28,060
Yeah, I went to choral
camp every summer as a kid,

57
00:02:28,100 --> 00:02:30,200
and I was the first male Annie.

58
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:33,410
No big deal. I just
cruised down on my bike.

59
00:02:33,450 --> 00:02:36,270
You ride? Did you see my bike out front?

60
00:02:36,310 --> 00:02:38,080
Oh, no way. That's your bike out there?

61
00:02:38,140 --> 00:02:40,580
Wow, that bike's a major panty-dropper.

62
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:42,720
I can't wait to get on the road with you.

63
00:02:42,750 --> 00:02:43,980
Dos Lobos.

64
00:02:44,270 --> 00:02:46,450
Vámonos.

65
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:50,020
Burrito. I don't know Spanish.

66
00:02:54,180 --> 00:02:55,630
You know what? That's a little awkward.

67
00:02:55,660 --> 00:03:00,150
Um, I wasn't planning on seeing
your penis on the first day.

68
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,900
What do you think?

69
00:03:03,660 --> 00:03:05,710
- I don't know why I said that.
- No, it's cool.

70
00:03:05,730 --> 00:03:06,860
I get caught up in the moment.

71
00:03:08,260 --> 00:03:10,220
All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

72
00:03:10,220 --> 00:03:12,000
Okay. We are going.

73
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,000
Undateable (2014) - Season 01 - Episode 01 - Pilot

74
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,000
Synced & corrected by
GhostedNet

75
00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:19,030
The end.

76
00:03:19,110 --> 00:03:20,540
No, no, this is the beginning, dude.

77
00:03:20,550 --> 00:03:21,650
Whoops.

78
00:03:22,090 --> 00:03:23,780
Hey, so what's this bar called, anyway?

79
00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:24,880
Black Eyes.

80
00:03:25,250 --> 00:03:27,120
Black Guys?

81
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:28,580
No, Black Eyes.

82
00:03:28,590 --> 00:03:31,920
Like, if you get in a fight,
there might be a few black eyes.

83
00:03:32,260 --> 00:03:34,080
Uh, well, if you get into a fight,

84
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:36,290
you better hope that there
aren't a few black guys.

85
00:03:37,060 --> 00:03:38,160
Justin, come here.

86
00:03:38,180 --> 00:03:38,960
Hey.

87
00:03:40,110 --> 00:03:42,030
Is the guy you named the bar after?

88
00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:46,680
Bro, shell can't even get his
name out around girls now. Mm.

89
00:03:46,870 --> 00:03:49,180
A girl in my piano class
asked me my name,

90
00:03:49,340 --> 00:03:53,280
and all I could get out was, "shh."

91
00:03:53,310 --> 00:03:54,660
It's a bummer 'cause I'm
actually pretty smooth

92
00:03:54,670 --> 00:03:57,010
when it comes to male strangers.

93
00:03:57,540 --> 00:03:59,820
Go on, stud muffin. Try me.

94
00:03:59,850 --> 00:04:01,530
I'm happy to help.
What's your name, man?

95
00:04:01,540 --> 00:04:02,720
Shelly.

96
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,850
See? Easy-peasy.

97
00:04:06,140 --> 00:04:07,670
You're so lucky you're gay.

98
00:04:07,820 --> 00:04:09,320
Whenever you want to hook up with a dude,

99
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:10,950
you just go up, and you pull on his noodle

100
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,290
like a doorbell chain.

101
00:04:13,660 --> 00:04:15,450
Brett just came out a few weeks ago,

102
00:04:15,460 --> 00:04:17,960
and I am just so proud of you, sweetie,

103
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:18,950
but if you don't get off your butt

104
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,330
and start working right
now, I'm gonna kick it.

105
00:04:21,540 --> 00:04:23,400
Okay.

106
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,010
So, uh, do you mind if I get a drink, too?

107
00:04:28,460 --> 00:04:31,180
Don't bother.
I know lots of guys like you.

108
00:04:31,820 --> 00:04:33,450
Are they all thirsty?

109
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,080
No, they're like the cocky player type.

110
00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:40,110
I always end up with those guys.

111
00:04:40,140 --> 00:04:42,820
I mean, I wish I could
fall for a classy guy.

112
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,230
Like what?
Like a British dude?

113
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,400
Like a guy like this?

114
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,390
Like a dude that just comes up to you

115
00:04:47,430 --> 00:04:49,310
and makes you feel good
in your pants region?

116
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:50,560
Is that what it is?

117
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,060
Maybe you and me can go to the library

118
00:04:53,090 --> 00:04:54,800
and check out a bunch of books.

119
00:04:56,860 --> 00:04:59,020
Oh, fellas, it is on.

120
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:03,040
Yeah, I can see her uterus
glowing like E.T.'s finger.

121
00:05:03,090 --> 00:05:06,550
Zuhhhhhhhhhhh.

122
00:05:07,580 --> 00:05:09,720
All right, stop it. Okay?
You're adults.

123
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,810
So, what, he just does
a bad British accent,

124
00:05:12,820 --> 00:05:14,020
and she likes that?

125
00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:16,420
Whatever. I don't care.

126
00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:18,090
Is she kissing his neck?

127
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,760
Seems like you do care.

128
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,370
Welcome to the Dan cave.

129
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,800
Keys are right there. Thanks.

130
00:05:30,820 --> 00:05:33,200
Hey, so I saw you talking
to Nicki at the bar.

131
00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:35,960
You should know that... that
me and her are kind of like...

132
00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:41,280
Soft-shoe tap partners?

133
00:05:42,740 --> 00:05:44,240
We're not, like, together.

134
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,150
You know, I'm still kind
of waiting to make my move.

135
00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:47,150
How long you been waiting?

136
00:05:47,150 --> 00:05:48,080
Only since I hired her.

137
00:05:48,090 --> 00:05:48,940
So, what's today...
 Friday?

138
00:05:48,940 --> 00:05:51,390
So, like, 80 weeks.

139
00:05:51,420 --> 00:05:54,210
It just needs to be the right moment.

140
00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:55,960
- Which is what?
- I don't know.

141
00:05:55,990 --> 00:05:58,860
It's not like I'm up thinking
about it all the time, you know?

142
00:05:58,890 --> 00:06:01,000
But it'd have to be earlier in the week.

143
00:06:01,410 --> 00:06:03,100
But not too early so I seem desperate...

144
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:05,720
like a Tuesday... In the fall...

145
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,860
'Cause that's when my
wardrobes are the strongest.

146
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,340
But early fall so I
still kind of have a tan.

147
00:06:12,340 --> 00:06:15,810
At dusk...
magic hour.

148
00:06:16,620 --> 00:06:19,040
I'm behind the bar washing a glass.

149
00:06:19,310 --> 00:06:22,580
She comes out, like,
 "what are you doing?"

150
00:06:22,980 --> 00:06:25,420
I'm like, "washing a glass."

151
00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:27,390
She's like, "do you need help?"

152
00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:29,590
I'm like, "yeah, that's your job."

153
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:35,980
Then she walks over. "Take
on me" starts playing.

154
00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:38,090
I sing along casually,

155
00:06:38,130 --> 00:06:40,270
but hitting the high notes 'cause I can.

156
00:06:42,510 --> 00:06:45,470
Then I go in for the kiss,
and right then, I pull away,

157
00:06:45,510 --> 00:06:47,640
get myself a beer, walk out the door,

158
00:06:47,670 --> 00:06:51,280
letting her know that she
can't have a guy like me.

159
00:06:56,340 --> 00:06:59,720
When do you have sex in this fantasy?

160
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:01,620
I'm sorry, Fonzie.

161
00:07:01,650 --> 00:07:04,070
We don't all have your
confidence with women.

162
00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:06,540
Excuse me.

163
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,960
You think I just came out of my mom's womb

164
00:07:08,990 --> 00:07:10,930
just crushing ass?

165
00:07:16,940 --> 00:07:18,380
I've had many teachers...

166
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,660
All helping mold the sexual juggernaut

167
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,670
that you see standing
right here before you.

168
00:07:24,490 --> 00:07:26,680
Are you aware of how douchey you sound?

169
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,580
Negative thoughts just
bounce right off me, bro.

170
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:34,720
Who were your teachers?

171
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:36,300
No one.

172
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,040
No one?

173
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,360
Oh, my God.

174
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:42,560
Justin, you need me.

175
00:07:42,990 --> 00:07:44,490
Words cannot express

176
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:47,290
how strongly I disagree
with that statement.

177
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:48,690
Look, I get it, you know.

178
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:50,860
You're scared, and
change is hard, baby bird,

179
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,190
but I'm gonna help you
mend those broken wings.

180
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,170
I'm gonna be the father bird
and just feed you knowledge.

181
00:08:03,980 --> 00:08:05,510
Aah!

182
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,410
Consider this your acceptance speech

183
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:08,740
to Danny Burton University.

184
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,320
DBU!

185
00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:11,720
You're insane.

186
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:19,340
Those are negative thoughts,

187
00:08:19,340 --> 00:08:21,410
and I'm just gonna ignore
'em and come in for the hug.

188
00:08:21,420 --> 00:08:22,000
- Arms up.
- I don't want a hug.

189
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,440
- No hug.
- Come on.

190
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,940
I do not need a mentor.

191
00:08:34,950 --> 00:08:36,630
I know, you wouldn't think
so, right? You're young.

192
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:38,060
You own a bar.
You sing like an angel.

193
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,840
You're adorable. Right?

194
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,020
Yeah, your face is a six,
but your body's a seven.

195
00:08:43,700 --> 00:08:45,100
Look, you got the juice, buddy.

196
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:46,600
You just don't know how to use the juice.

197
00:08:46,620 --> 00:08:47,620
I know how to use the juice.

198
00:08:47,620 --> 00:08:48,380
Then use the juice.

199
00:08:48,380 --> 00:08:50,460
Use the juice, and I'll lay off you, okay?

200
00:08:50,490 --> 00:08:51,520
I swear on our Lobo code.

201
00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:53,330
Fine.

202
00:08:53,770 --> 00:08:56,040
Better get your raincoat, muchacho.

203
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,030
It's about to get super juicy up in here.

204
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,620
Oh! God.

205
00:09:05,930 --> 00:09:08,600
Sweetie, be careful. I
almost bitch-slapped you.

206
00:09:11,260 --> 00:09:12,260
No need for bitch-slapping.

207
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:13,750
I'm totally safe.

208
00:09:13,780 --> 00:09:15,780
I mean, not totally safe.
That'd be boring, right?

209
00:09:15,820 --> 00:09:17,600
But not too dangerous,
either, you know?

210
00:09:17,613 --> 00:09:21,090
I'm kind of like the baby bear's
porridge, girl... Just right.

211
00:09:23,266 --> 00:09:24,686
Wait. I don't get it.

212
00:09:24,733 --> 00:09:26,193
"Goldilocks and the three bears."

213
00:09:26,206 --> 00:09:27,460
Didn't your dad ever read to you?

214
00:09:27,490 --> 00:09:28,960
Um, I never met my dad.

215
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,430
Would you like to? I
don't know why I said that.

216
00:09:31,973 --> 00:09:34,226
Can't make that happen. That dream is gone.

217
00:09:34,253 --> 00:09:36,646
Um, but... sorry.

218
00:09:36,670 --> 00:09:38,880
I'm just letting you know
that I'm adventurous, you know?

219
00:09:38,906 --> 00:09:41,026
Like... like a... like a...
like a pirate, you know?

220
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,220
Or a cat burglar...

221
00:09:42,220 --> 00:09:43,590
like somebody who's
gonna steal your clocks,

222
00:09:43,590 --> 00:09:45,000
not somebody who's
gonna come into your room

223
00:09:45,020 --> 00:09:46,386
in the middle of the
night and be like, "hey,"

224
00:09:46,413 --> 00:09:51,520
and then just, "shhhh. Shhhh.

225
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,426
Shhhhh."

226
00:09:54,486 --> 00:09:56,550
Pillow, and then, "shhhhhh."

227
00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,560
I don't know why I killed you.

228
00:10:01,833 --> 00:10:03,190
Hello. Would you like to
go to the library with me?

229
00:10:03,230 --> 00:10:05,230
Okay, look!

230
00:10:05,260 --> 00:10:06,430
E-excuse us.

231
00:10:08,053 --> 00:10:09,793
Did you guys just see that?

232
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,370
You almost asked her out!

233
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,300
That was crazy, bro!

234
00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:16,693
This is so much worse than I thought.

235
00:10:17,113 --> 00:10:18,246
We're gonna go out tonight.

236
00:10:18,340 --> 00:10:19,940
We are out. We're at a bar.

237
00:10:19,980 --> 00:10:21,270
No, no, no. I mean out out.

238
00:10:21,310 --> 00:10:22,480
Out into the world.

239
00:10:22,510 --> 00:10:23,666
Out of your routine, all right?

240
00:10:23,713 --> 00:10:25,506
My sister's a wine rep, okay?

241
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,480
And there's an event tonight.

242
00:10:26,510 --> 00:10:28,773
Um, uh, Danny, sorry.
I can't go out tonight.

243
00:10:28,793 --> 00:10:31,220
Um, I'm dressed like
a chubby Marty McFly.

244
00:10:31,250 --> 00:10:32,250
I mean, obviously,

245
00:10:32,290 --> 00:10:34,720
you don't care so much
about your appearance.

246
00:10:37,826 --> 00:10:39,130
That one actually hurt a little bit.

247
00:10:41,313 --> 00:10:42,493
Danny, I don't think we're up

248
00:10:42,506 --> 00:10:45,520
for going to some party
with a bunch of strangers.

249
00:10:45,553 --> 00:10:47,170
Is that true, guys?

250
00:10:47,866 --> 00:10:50,860
This wine...
is it free?

251
00:10:58,853 --> 00:11:00,310
Hey, you look great.

252
00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:03,846
I am gonna ignore how surprised
you are and say thank you.

253
00:11:04,113 --> 00:11:06,446
I'm thinking it's time
to get back in the game.

254
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,590
Good for you. Anybody catch your eye yet?

255
00:11:08,620 --> 00:11:11,020
Yeah. Right over there.

256
00:11:11,106 --> 00:11:11,846
Don't look.

257
00:11:11,846 --> 00:11:13,890
Oh, sorry.

258
00:11:14,653 --> 00:11:16,806
Oh, yeah. Asian Zac Efron, huh?

259
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,300
Oh, yeah.

260
00:11:20,233 --> 00:11:21,720
You know who's, like, really good-looking

261
00:11:21,746 --> 00:11:24,430
is that guy who looks like
a more soulful Keanu Reeves.

262
00:11:24,913 --> 00:11:27,266
Oh, wait, no. I'm looking in a mirror.

263
00:11:27,346 --> 00:11:29,286
You're me? Oh, I'm you.

264
00:11:29,540 --> 00:11:30,870
Whoa!

265
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,910
You're so stupid.

266
00:11:34,073 --> 00:11:35,460
You guys got to be kidding me.

267
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,310
We came out so you guys could talk

268
00:11:37,310 --> 00:11:40,000
to live, actual human beings, okay?

269
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,720
It's all about confidence.

270
00:11:41,926 --> 00:11:44,720
I'm going in. Win the friend over first.

271
00:11:44,750 --> 00:11:45,950
That's the key.

272
00:11:47,020 --> 00:11:48,560
Excuse me?

273
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:50,173
I was just over there,

274
00:11:50,180 --> 00:11:52,353
and I noticed that you
were absolutely glowing.

275
00:11:52,433 --> 00:11:55,760
I was wondering when
your baby might be due.

276
00:11:56,780 --> 00:11:58,113
I'm not pregnant.

277
00:11:58,133 --> 00:11:59,480
You look like you're pregnant.

278
00:12:00,206 --> 00:12:01,266
I don't care.

279
00:12:01,406 --> 00:12:03,880
I was actually just interested
in your friend, anyway.

280
00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:08,093
Hey.

281
00:12:08,593 --> 00:12:09,580
Great party, huh?

282
00:12:10,573 --> 00:12:11,793
I'm into the ladies.

283
00:12:11,813 --> 00:12:15,350
You know, the breasts and the butts and...

284
00:12:16,140 --> 00:12:17,726
Fallopian tubes.

285
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,733
Okay, Brett, so I think I see one problem

286
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,060
with the way you're trying to meet guys.

287
00:12:24,206 --> 00:12:26,386
Brett, I want you to go
tell that hot piece of dude

288
00:12:26,406 --> 00:12:27,530
that you're not into girls.

289
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:28,860
Oh, bloody hell.

290
00:12:28,890 --> 00:12:31,460
And, Bursk, you come on
way too strong, all right?

291
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:32,460
Go apologize.

292
00:12:34,073 --> 00:12:35,570
And you need to get in there, too.

293
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,340
It's time to leave the nest, baby bird.

294
00:12:38,033 --> 00:12:39,540
You are so annoying.

295
00:12:44,686 --> 00:12:46,310
All right, man. Get in there. Your turn.

296
00:12:46,553 --> 00:12:48,010
No, thanks.

297
00:12:48,050 --> 00:12:49,310
It's not like there's anyone out here

298
00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:50,780
I could put on my "potential wife" list...

299
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,666
If I kept a list like that.

300
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:53,780
Shut up, Shelly.

301
00:12:53,820 --> 00:12:54,880
I didn't say anything.

302
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:56,320
You did that look that you do.

303
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,120
Yes, I did.

304
00:13:02,453 --> 00:13:04,060
Come on, stay. I'll make you breakfast.

305
00:13:04,090 --> 00:13:05,900
I should go.

306
00:13:06,066 --> 00:13:07,030
Bye.

307
00:13:07,460 --> 00:13:08,360
Justin.

308
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,300
Susma... Sum... Sum, Justin.

309
00:13:13,470 --> 00:13:15,770
Wait a minute... are you just
getting home now from last night?

310
00:13:15,810 --> 00:13:16,910
If I say yes, do you promise

311
00:13:16,913 --> 00:13:18,233
not to make a big deal out of it?

312
00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:21,010
Baby bird!

313
00:13:21,140 --> 00:13:23,610
Justin! Justin! Justin! Justin!

314
00:13:23,650 --> 00:13:25,950
Justin! Justin! Justin! Justin!

315
00:13:25,980 --> 00:13:28,260
You are super good at that.

316
00:13:28,286 --> 00:13:30,480
Details, dude.
We want the details.

317
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,850
How was it?
Were there candles?

318
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,613
Boys, I just made the
magic happen like I do.

319
00:13:37,646 --> 00:13:39,990
Did you do your, uh, pillow thing?

320
00:13:43,413 --> 00:13:45,220
Well, kiddo, I'm real proud of you.

321
00:13:45,286 --> 00:13:46,230
Thanks, man.

322
00:13:46,413 --> 00:13:48,440
Then I was out like a herd of turtles.

323
00:13:51,633 --> 00:13:53,040
What did you just say?

324
00:13:53,526 --> 00:13:55,333
Oh, it was just something
she said last night.

325
00:13:55,373 --> 00:13:57,340
No, no, no, no, no, no.

326
00:13:57,380 --> 00:14:00,680
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

327
00:14:01,333 --> 00:14:02,280
Is this her?

328
00:14:02,346 --> 00:14:04,850
Why do you have a picture
of Leslie in your phone?

329
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:07,750
That's my sister!

330
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,130
This is very tense.

331
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:23,820
What's the emergency this time?

332
00:14:23,893 --> 00:14:26,010
You slept with my roommate!

333
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,540
Justin...

334
00:14:28,580 --> 00:14:30,210
Is your roommate?

335
00:14:30,540 --> 00:14:31,450
Oh, my God.

336
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,440
Danny, I swear I had no idea.

337
00:14:33,460 --> 00:14:34,750
I'm so sorry.

338
00:14:34,780 --> 00:14:35,586
It's not your fault.

339
00:14:35,606 --> 00:14:37,290
I mean, how could you have known?

340
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,420
Listen, thanks for always
being so honest with me.

341
00:14:40,740 --> 00:14:41,690
I knew he was your roommate.

342
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,090
Damn it, Leslie!

343
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,333
What about the Asian Zac Efron?

344
00:14:47,706 --> 00:14:50,200
He went home with white Rihanna!

345
00:14:52,670 --> 00:14:54,213
And then I met Justin,

346
00:14:54,270 --> 00:14:56,206
and by the time I figured out who he was,

347
00:14:56,226 --> 00:14:57,540
we were already in our underwear,

348
00:14:57,566 --> 00:14:59,100
and I'd optimistically worn my good bra.

349
00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:00,900
Aah! Aah!

350
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:01,953
I don't want to hear it.

351
00:15:01,966 --> 00:15:03,266
Well, somebody has to, Danny.

352
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:06,713
It's an $80 bra, and it
hurts to wear it, okay?

353
00:15:06,786 --> 00:15:08,480
You ever try and squash your nuts together

354
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,693
so a bunch of guys can stare at 'em?

355
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:17,546
I brought that kid to your mixer

356
00:15:17,566 --> 00:15:19,873
so he could meet a
desperate woman, not you.

357
00:15:19,930 --> 00:15:22,286
I am a desperate woman, you idiot.

358
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,740
I am 30-something-year-old
divorced woman,

359
00:15:26,773 --> 00:15:29,640
so when a nice guy walks up
to me with nice things to say,

360
00:15:29,666 --> 00:15:31,360
and I have my one good thong on,

361
00:15:31,493 --> 00:15:34,410
my thong and I are gonna listen.

362
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:36,926
I'm sorry, Les.

363
00:15:36,953 --> 00:15:39,580
You know ...
 you deserve to have fun, too.

364
00:15:40,726 --> 00:15:42,246
I just hope I taught
him enough to please you.

365
00:15:42,273 --> 00:15:43,350
- Oh, gross!
- Too far.

366
00:15:43,353 --> 00:15:44,880
I'm sorry. I got...
I don't know...

367
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,850
I don't know why I said that.

368
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,200
I don't even know why I
put myself back out there.

369
00:15:50,390 --> 00:15:52,640
It was so humiliating.

370
00:15:53,090 --> 00:15:54,586
Les, what happened?

371
00:15:54,690 --> 00:15:56,420
What did he do?

372
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,960
He wouldn't even have sex with me.

373
00:15:59,853 --> 00:16:01,830
He said I seemed sad and buzzy,

374
00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:04,470
and he didn't want to
take advantage of that,

375
00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:07,693
so we just laid there staring
at the ceiling all night

376
00:16:07,706 --> 00:16:09,570
like two sad paralyzed people

377
00:16:09,610 --> 00:16:12,210
they just happened to put
in the same hospital bed.

378
00:16:15,810 --> 00:16:18,313
I mean, is anyone ever
gonna want me again, Danny?

379
00:16:18,326 --> 00:16:20,410
Hey, stop. Come here.

380
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:26,390
What kind of a man are you?!

381
00:16:26,390 --> 00:16:29,020
How dare you not bang my sister!

382
00:16:29,433 --> 00:16:32,000
Um, can we talk about
this in private, please?

383
00:16:32,046 --> 00:16:34,790
Oh, this seems like it'd
be a lot more fun in public.

384
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,620
All she wanted was to be used for sex,

385
00:16:37,646 --> 00:16:39,160
but, oh, no, Justin couldn't do it.

386
00:16:39,173 --> 00:16:41,600
He's too nice to take
advantage of a buzzy girl.

387
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:44,670
He's an angel.

388
00:16:44,933 --> 00:16:46,513
Wait. So, nothing happened?

389
00:16:48,326 --> 00:16:49,246
No.

390
00:16:49,420 --> 00:16:50,726
And you want to know what else?

391
00:16:50,773 --> 00:16:54,180
If I had the chance, I would
not have sex with her again.

392
00:16:54,210 --> 00:16:57,820
You watch your mouth when
you talk about my sister.

393
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,126
I would take her to my bedroom
and not make love to her

394
00:17:00,146 --> 00:17:02,293
all night long, and then the next morning,

395
00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:03,333
I would take her to brunch.

396
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:04,280
Then I would meet her friends

397
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,020
and listen to their boring stories,

398
00:17:06,033 --> 00:17:08,240
and when they were done, I'd ask for more.

399
00:17:10,966 --> 00:17:12,046
You know what? We're through.

400
00:17:12,066 --> 00:17:13,306
You're no longer a Lobo.

401
00:17:13,446 --> 00:17:14,750
Oh, my God. How am I gonna live?

402
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,673
I'm no longer a Lobo? Oh, man.

403
00:17:16,693 --> 00:17:18,200
My whole world is over.

404
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:19,600
Thank God, man!

405
00:17:19,653 --> 00:17:21,640
You don't even know what "lobo" means.

406
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,110
It's... it's like "soldier" or something.

407
00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:24,210
No!

408
00:17:25,766 --> 00:17:28,110
Danny, I never asked for your help, okay?

409
00:17:28,150 --> 00:17:29,353
None of us did.

410
00:17:29,386 --> 00:17:30,310
Look at your own life.

411
00:17:30,406 --> 00:17:32,740
Just going from empty night to empty night,

412
00:17:32,766 --> 00:17:34,520
hoping to get some strange girl

413
00:17:34,550 --> 00:17:36,813
to just stay a little bit longer.

414
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:38,390
And you think we're losers?

415
00:17:38,826 --> 00:17:40,493
I have people in my life who care about me.

416
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:42,820
I'm not lonely, Danny. Are you?

417
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:45,460
You know what? You're no
longer welcome to DB University.

418
00:17:45,506 --> 00:17:48,960
Yeah? ... Well, you're no longer
welcome to black guys!

419
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:54,670
♪ Danny's gone, Danny's gone ♪

420
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:57,970
Whee! Danny's gone, Danny's gone ♪

421
00:17:58,393 --> 00:18:00,520
Wh ..., why do you guys look so bummed?

422
00:18:01,586 --> 00:18:03,020
Why are you spraying the peanuts?

423
00:18:05,033 --> 00:18:06,910
Look, guys, we should be celebrating.

424
00:18:06,910 --> 00:18:09,500
Okay? We finally put that
Danny Burton era behind us.

425
00:18:09,660 --> 00:18:11,300
I kind of liked the Danny Burton era.

426
00:18:11,406 --> 00:18:13,286
Last night, I talked to
a girl for six minutes

427
00:18:13,286 --> 00:18:14,540
before she slapped me.

428
00:18:19,373 --> 00:18:20,680
What caused the slap?

429
00:18:20,690 --> 00:18:22,886
I said women shouldn't
 earn as much as men.

430
00:18:23,986 --> 00:18:25,446
How does that even come up?

431
00:18:25,460 --> 00:18:26,693
She was driving a nice car.

432
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:27,800
I asked who bought it for her.

433
00:18:27,826 --> 00:18:29,720
She said she did, and then
she told me some other lies.

434
00:18:29,746 --> 00:18:30,806
I don't know, man.

435
00:18:32,186 --> 00:18:35,546
You know, last night, I
actually told a guy I was gay.

436
00:18:35,966 --> 00:18:37,586
And then when he asked for my phone number,

437
00:18:37,626 --> 00:18:40,950
I gave him a number that was very
close to my own actual number.

438
00:18:41,026 --> 00:18:42,720
That is progress, man.

439
00:18:44,566 --> 00:18:45,910
Hey, don't forget...
you spent the night

440
00:18:45,910 --> 00:18:48,906
with a live, actual woman, you know?

441
00:18:49,030 --> 00:18:50,446
Plus, you got Nicki to
like you for a second.

442
00:18:50,466 --> 00:18:51,950
That's obviously what you've been wanting.

443
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,286
We've all been stuck in a rut lately.

444
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:55,740
Danny's helped us out of it.

445
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:57,770
We're grateful to him.

446
00:18:58,460 --> 00:18:59,900
You should be, too.

447
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:03,286
Excuse me? Is this Black Guys?

448
00:19:03,540 --> 00:19:05,746
Common mistake. The
bar's actually called...

449
00:19:05,766 --> 00:19:07,280
Yes.

450
00:19:10,886 --> 00:19:14,230
I'm Shelly,
the black guy.

451
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,400
Hey, if you came to give the keys back,

452
00:19:24,426 --> 00:19:26,546
you can just leave them
on the table right there.

453
00:19:27,140 --> 00:19:30,086
Look, because of you, I
almost asked Nicki out,

454
00:19:30,090 --> 00:19:31,773
and I spent the night
with a beautiful woman.

455
00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:33,730
What... did you just come here to brag?

456
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,640
I came here to apologize.

457
00:19:37,140 --> 00:19:40,046
Look, Danny, you've done
more for me in two days

458
00:19:40,053 --> 00:19:41,880
than anyone has done
for me in my entire life.

459
00:19:42,006 --> 00:19:44,860
So...
Thanks.

460
00:19:45,686 --> 00:19:47,090
You're welcome.

461
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,870
That's, uh, all I wanted to say.

462
00:19:53,913 --> 00:19:55,280
You're right about me.

463
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:58,126
Um, I'm not that good at being alone.

464
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,440
All my friends are buried and gone, and...

465
00:20:04,886 --> 00:20:07,690
That means married. It's like a thing I do.

466
00:20:07,886 --> 00:20:09,610
it's hilarious.

467
00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:12,540
I don't know. I guess
they've just kind of all

468
00:20:12,573 --> 00:20:13,846
moved on with their lives, and I'm just...

469
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,390
I'm not really ready for it, you know?

470
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,400
I wish I was.

471
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:21,600
Look, come back to the bar, okay?

472
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,150
Come back to Black Guys... Eyes.

473
00:20:23,150 --> 00:20:23,870
Damn it.

474
00:20:25,293 --> 00:20:26,250
Hey, you know, that's your crew.

475
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:28,000
No, it's our crew...

476
00:20:28,053 --> 00:20:29,550
I mean, if you want to be a part of it.

477
00:20:29,793 --> 00:20:31,450
We could all be wolves.

478
00:20:32,593 --> 00:20:34,610
That's what "lobos" means.

479
00:20:45,090 --> 00:20:46,160
Are you trying not to cry?

480
00:20:46,186 --> 00:20:47,690
Uh, no.

481
00:20:48,093 --> 00:20:50,000
Uh ..., crying is for babies

482
00:20:50,020 --> 00:20:52,426
and people who read Nicholas Sparks novels

483
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:56,500
like "The Notebook" or "At First S... "

484
00:20:56,713 --> 00:20:58,930
"At First Sight."

485
00:21:00,273 --> 00:21:01,270
You know what?

486
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,660
Let's forget that happened, okay?

487
00:21:03,953 --> 00:21:05,800
- Let's just get out of here. All right?
- Okay.

488
00:21:06,133 --> 00:21:07,550
Hey, by the way,

489
00:21:07,813 --> 00:21:10,080
your bar name really does suck.

490
00:21:10,266 --> 00:21:15,180
Ping!

491
00:21:16,273 --> 00:21:17,646
Let's get out of here. Come on.

492
00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:19,450
Ping!

493
00:21:20,820 --> 00:21:26,820
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