1
00:00:02,933 --> 00:00:04,677
What should we do for our anniversary?

2
00:00:06,193 --> 00:00:08,160
Oh, come on, Danny. We should celebrate.

3
00:00:08,195 --> 00:00:09,962
We've lived together for a week now.

4
00:00:09,996 --> 00:00:12,096
I can't. I have a date. Oh, uh, I forgot.

5
00:00:12,131 --> 00:00:14,966
A date is when a guy takes
a girl out to a movie,

6
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,802
and then they both wind
up in the shower together.

7
00:00:19,171 --> 00:00:21,405
That's where they decide on a safe word.

8
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:25,076
Mine is, "who are all these people?"

9
00:00:27,913 --> 00:00:29,680
You know, I feel sorry for you.

10
00:00:29,715 --> 00:00:32,316
You know, just night after
night of meaningless sex.

11
00:00:32,351 --> 00:00:33,584
I mean, who wants that?

12
00:00:33,618 --> 00:00:36,354
I'd kill a man for that.

13
00:00:36,388 --> 00:00:38,356
Oh. Uh-oh.

14
00:00:38,390 --> 00:00:39,590
Oh. Oh!

15
00:00:39,624 --> 00:00:41,759
Why does this always happen to us?

16
00:00:41,793 --> 00:00:43,126
I don't know. It's crazy. You know,

17
00:00:43,161 --> 00:00:45,095
I feel like we should just
dance for real, you know?

18
00:00:45,129 --> 00:00:46,997
Oh!

19
00:00:47,031 --> 00:00:48,031
Oh! Oh!

20
00:00:48,066 --> 00:00:49,867
Oh!

21
00:00:49,901 --> 00:00:51,869
Ah, get back to work. Okay.

22
00:00:51,903 --> 00:00:53,737
Okay. Ah.

23
00:00:54,739 --> 00:00:56,706
Do you want my help with Nicki?

24
00:00:56,741 --> 00:00:59,576
Because what you're doing is not working.

25
00:00:59,610 --> 00:01:01,144
What is it that I'm "doing"?

26
00:01:01,179 --> 00:01:03,046
Oh, you know, that thing that you just did

27
00:01:03,081 --> 00:01:05,249
where you intentionally
tried to get in her way

28
00:01:05,283 --> 00:01:06,917
and then did the Harlem shake.

29
00:01:08,353 --> 00:01:11,088
Okay. You can't do that intentionally.

30
00:01:11,122 --> 00:01:12,189
Oh!

31
00:01:12,223 --> 00:01:13,322
Oh!

32
00:01:13,357 --> 00:01:14,290
Oh!

33
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:15,392
Oh!

34
00:01:15,426 --> 00:01:17,794
Go for it.

35
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,796
All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

36
00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:20,958
Okay. We are going.

37
00:01:21,441 --> 00:01:23,945
Synced and corrected by
Mastermonger. www.addic7ed.com

38
00:01:24,535 --> 00:01:26,770
"Undateable," the
president's favorite show.

39
00:01:26,804 --> 00:01:28,505
No, it isn't. It doesn't matter.

40
00:01:28,539 --> 00:01:30,673
Once you say something on TV, it's true.

41
00:01:30,708 --> 00:01:32,408
♪ Tell me why

42
00:01:32,442 --> 00:01:35,811
♪ ain't nothin' but a heartache ♪

43
00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:37,213
♪ Tell me why

44
00:01:37,247 --> 00:01:40,649
♪ ain't nothin' but a mistake ♪

45
00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:45,821
♪ Tell me why I never
wanna hear you say ♪

46
00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:50,759
♪ I want it that...

47
00:01:50,794 --> 00:01:51,660
High note.

48
00:01:51,694 --> 00:01:54,762
♪ ...way-y-y-y-y

49
00:01:54,797 --> 00:01:59,100
♪ Oh, oh, oh

50
00:01:59,135 --> 00:02:01,169
So, for this to work,

51
00:02:01,203 --> 00:02:02,938
there's got to be some rules, okay?

52
00:02:02,972 --> 00:02:05,840
No wearing tap shoes in the house.

53
00:02:05,874 --> 00:02:07,742
They're cycling shoes, Danny.

54
00:02:07,776 --> 00:02:10,211
You'll know when I'm wearing my tap shoes.

55
00:02:11,914 --> 00:02:13,514
Morning, Daniel.

56
00:02:13,549 --> 00:02:15,917
Where do you keep your teakettle?

57
00:02:15,951 --> 00:02:17,985
Uh, in the bottom cabinet.

58
00:02:18,019 --> 00:02:20,955
What is Shelly doing at
my house at 8:15 A.M.?

59
00:02:20,989 --> 00:02:22,690
Oh, we have, uh, coffee every Saturday.

60
00:02:22,724 --> 00:02:24,024
You know, me and the crew...

61
00:02:24,059 --> 00:02:26,260
We get together, talk about life.

62
00:02:26,294 --> 00:02:29,430
It's your average brew and stew, man.

63
00:02:29,465 --> 00:02:32,032
Oh, yeah. I remember my mom used to do that

64
00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:34,835
with her friends to try
and cope with menopause.

65
00:02:35,937 --> 00:02:38,738
We brought doughnuts.

66
00:02:39,841 --> 00:02:41,675
Did you give Bursk a key?

67
00:02:41,709 --> 00:02:42,776
He gave us all keys, mate.

68
00:02:42,810 --> 00:02:45,512
Shelly, tea bag me.

69
00:02:49,584 --> 00:02:53,119
D-does that mean something
different here, or... ?

70
00:02:53,153 --> 00:02:56,389
Uh, listen, there's a
very attractive young lady

71
00:02:56,423 --> 00:02:57,857
in my bedroom right now.

72
00:02:57,891 --> 00:02:59,325
She's about to leave.

73
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,494
Okay, I want all you guys
to take a look at each other

74
00:03:01,528 --> 00:03:02,462
long and hard.

75
00:03:02,496 --> 00:03:04,097
Go ahead. Do it. I'll wait.

76
00:03:07,234 --> 00:03:11,504
Okay, so, for her, this is
the worst possible scenario.

77
00:03:13,606 --> 00:03:15,273
You think that maybe, for 10 seconds,

78
00:03:15,308 --> 00:03:17,376
you could just play it
cool while she heads out?

79
00:03:19,212 --> 00:03:21,546
Danny, I just sang the
most vocally challenging

80
00:03:21,580 --> 00:03:24,483
Backstreet Boys song

81
00:03:24,517 --> 00:03:26,318
without hitting one flat note.

82
00:03:26,352 --> 00:03:28,353
I think I know how to play it cool.

83
00:03:29,622 --> 00:03:32,624
Oh, hey. Um, I'll... I'll walk you out.

84
00:03:37,830 --> 00:03:39,296
Bye.

85
00:03:39,331 --> 00:03:41,198
Nobody's judging you.

86
00:03:43,903 --> 00:03:45,369
What?

87
00:03:45,404 --> 00:03:47,605
Uh, what I'm... I'm saying is,

88
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:48,840
you seem very nice, you know?

89
00:03:48,874 --> 00:03:50,408
And everybody makes mistakes, you know?

90
00:03:51,744 --> 00:03:53,477
Not that I'm saying
this is a mistake, okay?

91
00:03:53,512 --> 00:03:55,279
I mean, this is a
choice. You made a choice.

92
00:03:55,313 --> 00:03:57,114
I don't even know why they
call it the walk of shame.

93
00:03:57,149 --> 00:03:58,649
They should just call
it the walk of choices.

94
00:04:00,152 --> 00:04:03,087
Speaking of choices, I am
gonna make some breakfast.

95
00:04:03,121 --> 00:04:04,788
How about an egg sandwich?

96
00:04:04,822 --> 00:04:07,058
An egg sandwich sounds great.

97
00:04:07,092 --> 00:04:08,392
Okay.

98
00:04:08,427 --> 00:04:10,827
Um, can I borrow some sweats?

99
00:04:10,862 --> 00:04:13,496
Yeah.

100
00:04:15,533 --> 00:04:17,167
Sure. Yeah, I... that's awesome.

101
00:04:17,201 --> 00:04:19,835
I can't wait for you to actually
try Justin's, uh, egg sandwich

102
00:04:19,870 --> 00:04:22,238
or whatever it is because
it's really good the way he...

103
00:04:22,273 --> 00:04:23,773
Hey, man. Why did you do that?

104
00:04:25,276 --> 00:04:27,110
I told you to keep it cool.

105
00:04:27,144 --> 00:04:30,280
Danny, there is nothing
cooler than hospitality.

106
00:04:31,615 --> 00:04:33,215
Maybe we should all just leave.

107
00:04:33,249 --> 00:04:34,917
But I just started the tea.

108
00:04:34,952 --> 00:04:37,553
Take the kettle as a gift, Shell.

109
00:04:40,123 --> 00:04:42,658
What a lovely start to my day.

110
00:04:46,362 --> 00:04:47,429
All right, guys. Come on.

111
00:04:47,464 --> 00:04:48,998
Hand over the keys that Justin gave you.

112
00:04:52,135 --> 00:04:54,936
But I made a necklace out of mine.

113
00:04:56,139 --> 00:04:58,507
Shelly, you just attached a
piece of string to the key.

114
00:04:58,541 --> 00:05:00,675
I never said I worked hard on it.

115
00:05:02,011 --> 00:05:04,980
All right, hey. Come on, champ.

116
00:05:05,014 --> 00:05:07,549
Sit down. I should have mentioned this,

117
00:05:07,584 --> 00:05:10,385
but, uh, personal boundaries

118
00:05:10,420 --> 00:05:13,021
is somewhat of a-a monster issue for me.

119
00:05:13,055 --> 00:05:14,388
Why are you smiling?

120
00:05:14,423 --> 00:05:17,191
I'm just loving how uncomfortable you are

121
00:05:17,226 --> 00:05:18,860
with our first
heart-to-heart.

122
00:05:18,894 --> 00:05:21,596
All right, see, this is
exactly the touchy-feely stuff

123
00:05:21,631 --> 00:05:23,898
that, uh, kind of makes
my teeth hurt, okay?

124
00:05:23,933 --> 00:05:26,467
Danny, I thought we were going to lunch.

125
00:05:26,502 --> 00:05:28,870
Has your brother always
been this closed off?

126
00:05:28,904 --> 00:05:30,904
Oh, so closed off. Watch this.

127
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:33,707
Baby bro, I love you so much.

128
00:05:33,742 --> 00:05:34,742
Ooh, ooh!

129
00:05:34,776 --> 00:05:36,744
Stop it, Les!

130
00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:42,650
Look, this is just not me, okay?

131
00:05:42,684 --> 00:05:44,685
Frankly, I've always
considered my personal space

132
00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:45,653
as somewhat of a

133
00:05:45,687 --> 00:05:46,920
no-cry zone.
- No-cry zone.

134
00:05:48,823 --> 00:05:50,657
Yeah, and if he wants it a no-cry zone,

135
00:05:50,691 --> 00:05:52,459
never put on "Toy Story 3."

136
00:05:53,494 --> 00:05:57,364
Well, when those toys are all
holding each others' hands,

137
00:05:57,398 --> 00:05:59,832
and they're headed down
towards the incinerator, I...

138
00:05:59,867 --> 00:06:01,468
No, no, no.

139
00:06:01,502 --> 00:06:02,536
No, no.

140
00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:07,574
You know, some advice...
when dealing with women,

141
00:06:07,608 --> 00:06:10,309
I think that it's probably
best to play to your strengths,

142
00:06:10,343 --> 00:06:13,145
so, in your case, never, ever speak.

143
00:06:13,180 --> 00:06:14,713
What's going on?

144
00:06:14,747 --> 00:06:16,014
Apparently, a really hot chick

145
00:06:16,049 --> 00:06:17,783
just moved into Burski's
apartment building.

146
00:06:17,817 --> 00:06:20,052
It is not her lucky day.

147
00:06:20,086 --> 00:06:22,288
Oh, okay, but if I don't speak,

148
00:06:22,322 --> 00:06:25,691
how am I gonna bury this
beak into those sweet cans?

149
00:06:25,725 --> 00:06:26,992
All right, look.

150
00:06:27,026 --> 00:06:30,461
First of all, that's
not how human sex works.

151
00:06:30,496 --> 00:06:33,298
Second of all, have you ever
seen "The Little Mermaid"?

152
00:06:33,332 --> 00:06:35,266
That mermaid was able to make a nice prince

153
00:06:35,301 --> 00:06:37,602
fall in love with her
without actually ever talking.

154
00:06:39,305 --> 00:06:42,741
She's also friends with
a small Jamaican crab.

155
00:06:45,178 --> 00:06:47,746
So, uh, why don't you try this, okay?

156
00:06:47,780 --> 00:06:49,914
Stare at Nicki, and don't say a word.

157
00:06:54,886 --> 00:06:57,788
Oh, my God! I like him so much better!

158
00:06:57,823 --> 00:06:59,156
See? There you go.

159
00:06:59,191 --> 00:07:01,192
So, next time you run
into your hot neighbor,

160
00:07:01,226 --> 00:07:03,961
do something nice for
her, but just don't talk.

161
00:07:03,995 --> 00:07:08,498
I'm going to "Little Mermaid"
all over this chick so hard.

162
00:07:11,168 --> 00:07:13,337
Okay, I'm going to the bank. I'll be back.

163
00:07:17,074 --> 00:07:18,308
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

164
00:07:21,078 --> 00:07:24,448
This is not how I imagined my
first dance with another guy.

165
00:07:24,482 --> 00:07:26,383
You know what? Just get off me.

166
00:07:27,452 --> 00:07:29,118
Whoops. Uh-oh.

167
00:07:29,152 --> 00:07:30,919
Hey. Whoa, oh, oh.

168
00:07:30,954 --> 00:07:33,556
We'll... we'll just
crisscross. Mixing it up.

169
00:07:33,590 --> 00:07:34,957
Sweetie, are you... are you okay?

170
00:07:34,991 --> 00:07:36,559
Are you having a little stroke, or... ?

171
00:07:36,593 --> 00:07:37,860
No.

172
00:07:37,894 --> 00:07:42,665
I-I got a-a fine
line... a force...

173
00:07:47,103 --> 00:07:49,638
All right, well, I'm
obviously going in there.

174
00:07:54,310 --> 00:07:56,144
Just say what you're gonna say.

175
00:07:56,178 --> 00:07:59,947
Okay, so, you just
sprinted out of your office,

176
00:07:59,982 --> 00:08:03,351
got stuck in a real "which-way dance"...

177
00:08:05,421 --> 00:08:07,054
shoved your friend aside

178
00:08:07,089 --> 00:08:10,291
so you could manufacture
a fake "which-way dance"...

179
00:08:12,194 --> 00:08:15,329
with a girl who was not moving.

180
00:08:16,731 --> 00:08:18,632
You know what? I'm sick of this.

181
00:08:18,667 --> 00:08:19,566
What are you doing?

182
00:08:19,601 --> 00:08:22,670
I am texting Nicki

183
00:08:22,704 --> 00:08:24,405
from your phone asking her to a movie.

184
00:08:24,439 --> 00:08:25,706
No. Don't...

185
00:08:25,740 --> 00:08:28,241
Done. Happy anniversary, baby bird.

186
00:08:31,492 --> 00:08:33,560
I can't believe you asked Nicki out for me!

187
00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:35,601
What are... oh, God.

188
00:08:35,636 --> 00:08:37,202
Oh, God. I'm seeing tunnels.

189
00:08:37,237 --> 00:08:39,472
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

190
00:08:39,506 --> 00:08:40,973
A great man once said:

191
00:08:41,007 --> 00:08:44,443
"Conquering your fear sometimes
is what makes you a man."

192
00:08:45,712 --> 00:08:47,545
That man was me. I-I just said that.

193
00:08:49,982 --> 00:08:51,916
You know what? You're right.

194
00:08:51,950 --> 00:08:54,085
You don't think I could go to
a movie? I could go to a movie.

195
00:08:54,119 --> 00:08:55,253
That's what I'm talking about.

196
00:08:55,288 --> 00:08:57,756
All right. Here we go.

197
00:08:57,790 --> 00:08:58,923
I got to get out of this.

198
00:09:00,660 --> 00:09:02,894
Oh, Justin, I just got your text.

199
00:09:02,928 --> 00:09:05,397
But you didn't 'cause, uh,
that text wasn't meant for you.

200
00:09:05,431 --> 00:09:06,364
Just give it back.

201
00:09:06,399 --> 00:09:08,332
Um...

202
00:09:08,366 --> 00:09:10,968
Actually, that text was meant
for another friend of mine

203
00:09:11,003 --> 00:09:13,104
named Nicki... "Nick,"
not "Nicki," you know?

204
00:09:13,138 --> 00:09:14,471
I mean, it just autocorrected.

205
00:09:14,506 --> 00:09:16,640
You know, must have removed the "i."

206
00:09:16,675 --> 00:09:20,978
Uh, well, I never heard you mention Nick.

207
00:09:21,013 --> 00:09:22,446
What's Nick like?

208
00:09:23,849 --> 00:09:25,549
Nothing. He's like nothing.

209
00:09:25,583 --> 00:09:27,450
It's weird to me that, uh,

210
00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:31,254
you never introduced your
friend to your other friends.

211
00:09:32,290 --> 00:09:33,756
Yeah, what's up with that, man?

212
00:09:33,791 --> 00:09:35,525
Is there... there something wrong with us?

213
00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:38,128
Calm down, okay? This is not
that big a deal, right, Shell?

214
00:09:38,162 --> 00:09:40,363
Oh, betrayal is a very big deal.

215
00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:44,500
I think I saw you with
Nick last week, right?

216
00:09:44,535 --> 00:09:47,003
He's got the broad
shoulders, super handsome,

217
00:09:47,038 --> 00:09:49,739
like the kind of guy I'd
let build me a log cabin

218
00:09:49,773 --> 00:09:52,274
just so we could ruin a bear rug together.

219
00:09:53,310 --> 00:09:56,479
No, that's the beer distributor,
and he's never coming back.

220
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:57,613
Uh, no.

221
00:09:57,648 --> 00:09:59,515
Nick is a different guy.

222
00:09:59,550 --> 00:10:00,883
Who's Nick?

223
00:10:00,917 --> 00:10:02,585
Some handsome bloke
Justin knows, apparently.

224
00:10:02,619 --> 00:10:04,420
Oh, is he single? Does he like kids?

225
00:10:04,455 --> 00:10:06,689
He hates kids and he's really old

226
00:10:06,724 --> 00:10:08,657
and he can't even see, so...

227
00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:13,428
Huh. Why would you invite a
blind guy to go see a movie?

228
00:10:13,463 --> 00:10:17,733
He just loves... sounds.

229
00:10:17,767 --> 00:10:19,568
Well, when do we get to meet Nick?

230
00:10:19,602 --> 00:10:22,838
We've discussed it, and, uh, unfortunately,

231
00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:25,440
Nick happens to be an alcoholic. Aww.

232
00:10:25,475 --> 00:10:27,909
So he doesn't come to bars.

233
00:10:27,943 --> 00:10:30,811
A child-hating, blind alcoholic?

234
00:10:32,581 --> 00:10:35,616
That's a lot of demons for one man.

235
00:10:36,986 --> 00:10:39,487
I can change him.

236
00:10:39,521 --> 00:10:43,424
It's still so weird to me
because in the text, you said,

237
00:10:43,458 --> 00:10:46,327
"let's leave from the bar around 9:00."

238
00:10:46,362 --> 00:10:50,497
So, I guess we can expect old,
blind Nick here around 9:00.

239
00:10:52,233 --> 00:10:54,334
I guess we can, Danny.

240
00:10:54,369 --> 00:10:56,970
I'll just text Nick back
to make sure he can make it.

241
00:10:57,005 --> 00:10:58,005
Oh! Oh!

242
00:10:58,039 --> 00:10:59,306
Oh!

243
00:11:02,277 --> 00:11:04,778
How's he gonna see the phone?

244
00:11:21,962 --> 00:11:23,696
Thanks.

245
00:11:23,731 --> 00:11:25,364
I, uh, just moved into the building.

246
00:11:25,399 --> 00:11:26,399
Do you live here?

247
00:11:31,104 --> 00:11:33,005
Um, do you mind getting off on my floor

248
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,573
and carrying that to my apartment?

249
00:11:38,912 --> 00:11:40,746
What's your name?

250
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:48,119
So, what you're telling me

251
00:11:48,154 --> 00:11:50,121
is that, in your entire retirement home,

252
00:11:50,156 --> 00:11:52,357
there isn't a single
85-year-old blind guy

253
00:11:52,391 --> 00:11:54,525
that I could just rent out for the night?

254
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:58,263
Okay, Carol, what if I keep him?

255
00:11:58,297 --> 00:12:00,865
Well, may... all right. Just gonna hang up.

256
00:12:00,899 --> 00:12:02,767
We'll see if I retire there.

257
00:12:02,801 --> 00:12:04,602
This is all your fault.

258
00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:06,871
Look, every time I give you an amazing idea

259
00:12:06,905 --> 00:12:09,474
on how to get Nicki, you
shoot it down like skeet.

260
00:12:09,508 --> 00:12:10,942
"Hey, take her to a movie."

261
00:12:10,976 --> 00:12:11,909
Pull!

262
00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:15,613
"Stop singing so much." Pull!

263
00:12:17,850 --> 00:12:20,651
"Definitely stop dressing
like a hip minister."

264
00:12:20,686 --> 00:12:21,652
Pull!

265
00:12:24,790 --> 00:12:26,623
You have to stop acting like some God

266
00:12:26,657 --> 00:12:29,459
who just swoops in and solves
everybody's romantic problems.

267
00:12:29,494 --> 00:12:31,795
Okay, so, Danny, you're the best, bro.

268
00:12:31,829 --> 00:12:36,733
I just "Little Mermaided" that
chick so hard, and guess what.

269
00:12:36,767 --> 00:12:38,802
I got my first date in months.

270
00:12:38,836 --> 00:12:39,803
Truth check.

271
00:12:39,837 --> 00:12:41,037
Years.

272
00:12:41,071 --> 00:12:42,706
All right.

273
00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:44,440
We're gonna go grab
some pizza to celebrate.

274
00:12:44,475 --> 00:12:47,210
Thank you, Danny. You're the best.

275
00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:49,812
I even got Burski some action.

276
00:12:49,846 --> 00:12:51,247
Let me give you some
advice, baby bird, okay?

277
00:12:51,281 --> 00:12:52,882
Okay, stop calling me "baby bird," okay?

278
00:12:52,916 --> 00:12:54,017
I don't need your advice.

279
00:12:54,051 --> 00:12:55,084
Why are you being so stubborn?

280
00:12:55,119 --> 00:12:56,452
I'm not being stubborn, okay?

281
00:12:56,487 --> 00:12:58,021
- You're being annoying.
- Just let me help you.

282
00:12:58,055 --> 00:12:59,588
Look, I don't need your help.

283
00:12:59,623 --> 00:13:02,291
I'm not some loser who can't
figure it out on his own, okay?

284
00:13:02,326 --> 00:13:03,326
I'm not like them.

285
00:13:06,429 --> 00:13:10,565
We realized it was rude
not to invite you for pizza.

286
00:13:12,935 --> 00:13:15,770
Seems less rude now.

287
00:13:20,910 --> 00:13:22,610
Oh my God! Look.

288
00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:26,643
Hey, man, you better yet?

289
00:13:26,761 --> 00:13:28,996
Of course I'm not better
yet. It was two minutes ago.

290
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,834
God, I can't believe I
just did that to my friends.

291
00:13:33,868 --> 00:13:35,202
Your friends will understand.

292
00:13:35,236 --> 00:13:37,838
But it's different,
okay? We're pants buddies.

293
00:13:37,872 --> 00:13:41,608
What in God's name are pants buddies?

294
00:13:41,642 --> 00:13:44,644
Right after college, I drove
Bursk to this job interview,

295
00:13:44,678 --> 00:13:47,413
and he spilled coffee all
over his pants in the car,

296
00:13:47,447 --> 00:13:49,782
so I gave him my pants, and he got the job.

297
00:13:49,817 --> 00:13:52,551
Ever since, we've always just
called each other pants buddies.

298
00:13:52,586 --> 00:13:55,021
It just means that we always
have each others' backs.

299
00:13:56,857 --> 00:14:00,059
I can't believe this happened
'cause of some dumb text.

300
00:14:00,094 --> 00:14:01,393
I got to ask you, man.

301
00:14:01,428 --> 00:14:04,831
Why wouldn't you just wait and
see if Nicki were to say yes?

302
00:14:04,865 --> 00:14:06,064
I don't know.

303
00:14:07,967 --> 00:14:09,367
What is wrong with me?

304
00:14:09,401 --> 00:14:10,535
I guess it doesn't help

305
00:14:10,569 --> 00:14:12,370
that I've never been good at taking leaps.

306
00:14:12,404 --> 00:14:13,705
And the only time I ever did,

307
00:14:13,740 --> 00:14:16,875
I opened that bar that
I can barely keep afloat.

308
00:14:16,909 --> 00:14:18,376
I guess it started when
I was a kid, you know?

309
00:14:18,410 --> 00:14:20,345
My father left when I was pretty young.

310
00:14:20,379 --> 00:14:22,280
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

311
00:14:22,314 --> 00:14:24,382
Look, I'm just trying to let you know

312
00:14:24,416 --> 00:14:26,416
what's going on with me as a friend.

313
00:14:26,451 --> 00:14:29,186
Yeah, and that's why you have
the underpants gang, okay?

314
00:14:31,623 --> 00:14:32,923
Look, I get it.

315
00:14:32,958 --> 00:14:36,060
You like to dive down deep
and swim way below the surface.

316
00:14:36,094 --> 00:14:37,695
"Hey, is that a shipwreck?

317
00:14:37,729 --> 00:14:39,764
"Oh, no, that's an hour-long conversation

318
00:14:39,798 --> 00:14:41,098
about what love really is."

319
00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:46,403
But me, bro... I'm just chilling
way up here on the surface,

320
00:14:46,437 --> 00:14:48,639
just kind of doing some tubing and whatnot.

321
00:14:48,673 --> 00:14:50,474
"Hey, is that a hot girl in a bikini?

322
00:14:50,508 --> 00:14:51,775
"I wonder what her story is.

323
00:14:51,809 --> 00:14:55,412
She doesn't have one. That's
just a girl in a bikini."

324
00:14:57,048 --> 00:14:59,616
What is your deal, man?

325
00:14:59,651 --> 00:15:01,285
I mean, what happened to you?

326
00:15:01,319 --> 00:15:02,819
I mean, when you were
younger, did you, like...

327
00:15:02,853 --> 00:15:05,656
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

328
00:15:05,690 --> 00:15:09,258
Look, man, get out of
my business, baby bird.

329
00:15:09,293 --> 00:15:10,826
Get out of your business?

330
00:15:10,860 --> 00:15:13,329
You are sending text
messages from my phone.

331
00:15:13,363 --> 00:15:15,231
You couldn't be more in my business

332
00:15:15,265 --> 00:15:17,866
if you crawled up my butt
and started selling hats.

333
00:15:19,269 --> 00:15:22,672
I mean, can't you just
be real for one second?

334
00:15:22,706 --> 00:15:24,340
Look, man, sorry.

335
00:15:24,374 --> 00:15:25,841
I just... you know,

336
00:15:25,875 --> 00:15:28,343
I'm never gonna be the friend
you want me to be, all right?

337
00:15:28,377 --> 00:15:32,814
And it's because, a long time
ago, when I was younger...

338
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:36,050
The doctors always told me that...

339
00:15:36,085 --> 00:15:37,652
I had a penis.

340
00:15:39,922 --> 00:15:41,089
Great.

341
00:15:44,827 --> 00:15:46,695
Hey.

342
00:15:46,729 --> 00:15:51,164
Look, I am so sorry, okay?

343
00:15:51,199 --> 00:15:53,234
I-I didn't mean what I said, all right?

344
00:15:53,268 --> 00:15:55,202
Especially 'cause I knew it was a lie

345
00:15:55,237 --> 00:15:57,104
the second it came out of my mouth.

346
00:15:57,138 --> 00:16:00,140
Are... are you talking to me?

347
00:16:01,443 --> 00:16:03,377
Oh, he's talking to us.

348
00:16:03,411 --> 00:16:08,214
He just can't make eye
contact because of the shame.

349
00:16:08,249 --> 00:16:10,416
Look, there is nothing more important to me

350
00:16:10,451 --> 00:16:11,718
than this friendship.

351
00:16:11,752 --> 00:16:14,086
Yeah, it's cool, man. We
know you didn't mean it.

352
00:16:14,121 --> 00:16:15,821
Yeah, everybody makes mistakes, buddy.

353
00:16:15,856 --> 00:16:16,822
Yeah, don't sweat it, bro.

354
00:16:16,857 --> 00:16:18,358
I mean, we've all said a lot about you

355
00:16:18,392 --> 00:16:19,825
behind your back, so...
- Thanks, guys.

356
00:16:19,860 --> 00:16:21,060
What kind of stuff?

357
00:16:21,094 --> 00:16:22,862
Just, you know, mainly stuff about your...

358
00:16:22,896 --> 00:16:24,163
your physical appearance.

359
00:16:24,197 --> 00:16:28,600
Your lady hips, your button
nose, your lego-man hair.

360
00:16:28,635 --> 00:16:30,168
Okay, I think that's enough.

361
00:16:30,202 --> 00:16:31,503
So, where's Danny?

362
00:16:31,537 --> 00:16:33,672
I don't know. I mean, who cares?

363
00:16:33,706 --> 00:16:36,141
You know, he's just my roommate.

364
00:16:36,175 --> 00:16:38,042
What did the idiot do now?

365
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:43,282
What the hell is wrong with you?

366
00:16:43,316 --> 00:16:46,318
Hey, you know that like
90% of our conversations

367
00:16:46,352 --> 00:16:47,653
start that same way?

368
00:16:47,687 --> 00:16:49,520
Justin was just reaching out to you,

369
00:16:49,554 --> 00:16:51,155
and you totally blew him off.

370
00:16:51,189 --> 00:16:53,257
Yeah, okay. I just...
I don't... you just what?

371
00:16:53,292 --> 00:16:55,259
You just like being on the surface?

372
00:16:55,294 --> 00:16:57,194
Tubing with some girl in a bikini?

373
00:17:00,299 --> 00:17:02,566
You know, I really like Justin.

374
00:17:02,601 --> 00:17:04,134
I like all of those guys,

375
00:17:04,169 --> 00:17:07,471
and I have never once liked
any of your stupid friends.

376
00:17:07,506 --> 00:17:08,906
Les, I like Justin.

377
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:10,740
You know, he's a cool guy.

378
00:17:10,775 --> 00:17:12,575
He's just... he's a little too much

379
00:17:12,610 --> 00:17:14,311
of an emo sensitive type for me.

380
00:17:14,345 --> 00:17:15,512
I'm like that, too,

381
00:17:15,546 --> 00:17:18,047
so I guess that means I'm also a giant wuss

382
00:17:18,081 --> 00:17:21,117
because I like to be close
to the people I care about.

383
00:17:21,151 --> 00:17:24,120
Thanks for understanding.

384
00:17:24,154 --> 00:17:27,190
Danny, I really thought
that you would outgrow this.

385
00:17:27,224 --> 00:17:29,058
You know, just floating through life

386
00:17:29,092 --> 00:17:30,927
without making any real connections.

387
00:17:30,961 --> 00:17:33,029
And I know you think that's cool,

388
00:17:33,063 --> 00:17:35,564
but I got to tell you, Danny

389
00:17:35,598 --> 00:17:37,867
It's the worst thing about you.

390
00:17:43,552 --> 00:17:45,252
Oh, you know what? You can
take off. I'll close up.

391
00:17:45,462 --> 00:17:47,530
Okay. I'll go get my stuff.

392
00:17:50,434 --> 00:17:54,670
Or you could stay, and
we could have a drink.

393
00:17:55,839 --> 00:17:59,041
Justin, what are you
doing? Like, this is...

394
00:18:00,310 --> 00:18:01,644
I'm just doing exactly

395
00:18:01,678 --> 00:18:03,446
what you've been wanting
me to do for the last year.

396
00:18:05,349 --> 00:18:06,716
I'm being bad.

397
00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:09,618
Okay, I'm, like, spinning.

398
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,653
This is crazy. Like, can we...

399
00:18:14,890 --> 00:18:17,359
I'll do it. Okay. I'll do
a drink. Let's do a drink.

400
00:18:17,393 --> 00:18:18,693
Yeah, that's what I thought.

401
00:18:18,728 --> 00:18:20,628
So why don't you sit your cute butt down

402
00:18:20,663 --> 00:18:22,897
while daddy pours us a
couple cranberry vodkas?

403
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:27,034
Yeah, I would pay to
watch this forever, man.

404
00:18:27,069 --> 00:18:28,436
What do you want?

405
00:18:28,471 --> 00:18:30,438
Hey, look.

406
00:18:30,473 --> 00:18:33,074
All right, hey, I, um...

407
00:18:33,108 --> 00:18:36,210
I wanted to tell you that I
know it's not gonna be overnight,

408
00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:38,012
but I want to start to open up.

409
00:18:38,046 --> 00:18:40,381
Danny, it's fine. Don't sweat it.

410
00:18:40,415 --> 00:18:41,648
No, look. I'm serious, man.

411
00:18:41,683 --> 00:18:43,617
I mean, look, I don't
know how this stuff works.

412
00:18:43,651 --> 00:18:44,785
What, do we grab a booth

413
00:18:44,819 --> 00:18:46,387
and talk about each others' feelings?

414
00:18:46,421 --> 00:18:48,722
Stop making fun of me, please.

415
00:18:48,757 --> 00:18:50,223
I'm not making fun of you, man.

416
00:18:50,258 --> 00:18:52,425
Okay, good night, Danny.

417
00:18:52,459 --> 00:18:53,526
What...

418
00:18:56,130 --> 00:18:57,297
Why?

419
00:18:57,331 --> 00:18:59,732
Because now I can give you my pants,

420
00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:01,467
and you'll believe me.

421
00:19:05,273 --> 00:19:07,540
How could you not understand

422
00:19:07,574 --> 00:19:11,110
that "pants buddies" is a metaphor?

423
00:19:11,144 --> 00:19:12,511
No, just here... take these, okay?

424
00:19:12,545 --> 00:19:13,645
Take my pants, and...

425
00:19:13,679 --> 00:19:15,347
No, I'm not gonna take...

426
00:19:18,318 --> 00:19:20,352
What happened?

427
00:19:20,387 --> 00:19:21,787
No, it's not a big deal.

428
00:19:21,821 --> 00:19:24,223
We were just kind of
trading each others' pants.

429
00:19:24,257 --> 00:19:26,025
We're not trading pants.

430
00:19:26,059 --> 00:19:27,059
Yeah, "no" means "no."

431
00:19:29,962 --> 00:19:32,663
Look, you, um... you put the
idea of a movie in my head,

432
00:19:32,697 --> 00:19:34,565
so I was gonna go catch a late show.

433
00:19:34,599 --> 00:19:35,633
Do you want to come?

434
00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:37,668
Yeah, no, um, well, you know what?

435
00:19:37,702 --> 00:19:40,438
There's still a few people
here, so I got to clean up.

436
00:19:40,472 --> 00:19:41,605
- Right.
- Mm.

437
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,741
Yeah.  Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

438
00:19:43,775 --> 00:19:44,708
Yep.

439
00:19:47,011 --> 00:19:48,345
What are you doing?

440
00:19:51,215 --> 00:19:53,250
Hey, Nicki, hold on one second, all right?

441
00:19:54,852 --> 00:19:56,653
Look, man, Don't worry about it, okay?

442
00:19:56,687 --> 00:19:57,720
I'll watch the bar.

443
00:19:57,755 --> 00:19:58,989
Just go to the movies with her.

444
00:19:59,023 --> 00:20:00,523
Are you sure?

445
00:20:00,558 --> 00:20:02,025
Please, let me do this for you.

446
00:20:02,060 --> 00:20:03,293
Okay, give me your pants.

447
00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:05,329
No, I don't want to do that anymore.

448
00:20:06,730 --> 00:20:08,130
Go. Have fun.

449
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:10,533
Thanks, man.

450
00:20:12,402 --> 00:20:14,003
I'm gonna see a movie.

451
00:20:15,773 --> 00:20:19,175
Uh, hey. Don't worry. I
got your back, all right?

452
00:20:24,448 --> 00:20:28,383
All right, everybody out! We're closing up.

453
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,889
Sometimes, I think I'll
never get the courage

454
00:20:33,923 --> 00:20:35,390
to ask a guy out, you know?

455
00:20:35,424 --> 00:20:37,493
But then I-I was driving the other day,

456
00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:39,628
and I saw this really good-looking guy.

457
00:20:39,662 --> 00:20:42,130
It was, um... it was a
black guy with blue eyes.

458
00:20:42,164 --> 00:20:43,431
It's like a magic trick.

459
00:20:45,067 --> 00:20:47,535
Thanks for listening to me drone on, man.

460
00:20:47,569 --> 00:20:49,037
I really appreciate it.

461
00:20:49,071 --> 00:20:51,873
Are you "mermaiding" me?

462
00:20:51,907 --> 00:20:55,143
Yeah, I wanted to see if
it worked on gay dudes.

463
00:20:56,278 --> 00:20:57,745
You know, it absolutely did.

464
00:20:59,348 --> 00:21:01,849
You know, usually, I don't
find you remotely attractive,

465
00:21:01,884 --> 00:21:04,284
but just there, I was like,
"what's this guy's story?"