Previously on Californication:
Stu, Nikki.
You two guys know each other?
She relieved my son of his virginity.
- Nikki's here. - She's with Stu.
That feeling is back, like I got to fuck something.
I have a proposal for you.
And, yes, it is quite indecent.
You'd seriously pay a million dollars to fuck me?
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to be putting a clock on that offer I made you, Charlie.
You know which one I'm talking about.
- Krull? - Hey.
- How's it going? - What are you doing?
Time to work on me motorbikes and memoirs.
You were macking on her when inside of me?
You were inside her? What the fuck?
- Rath, it's complicated. - It's not complicated.
They want to make an offer to E*ddie Nero.
Don't do it.
- You'll regret it. - Why?
He poops on people.
Nero's a fucking psycho.
I think what he wants is to take you in his mouth.
Well, it's always nice to be wanted.
Hank, shut up and listen to me. Karen was in a car accident.
This doesn't change anything, you know.
I'm still pissed at you.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
- Hi. - Hank, I told you.
I know you told me, but I wanted to see for myself.
You're convalescing quite nicely. Quite nicely, indeed.
Thank you very much.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some food on the stove.
You're hungry, are you?
Hank, I'm making myself something to eat.
Wouldn't you rather go out to dinner, you know, blow the stink off?
Not that you ever stink, sometimes the morning breath, but I don't mind that.
I can kiss right through that shit. I love it, actually.
Your effluvium has always been refreshing to me.
- Okay. - Like cucumber lemonade...
...or cucumber spa water. - Hank, are these words for me or for you?
For both of us, Karen. Wordplay, foreplay, it's all the same thing.
You know what? I'm exhausted.
I want to go lie down. It's just, like...
Oh, is that an invite?
JK, as the kids say. JK.
Come on, I'll provide the transpo. I won't try to finger you while I drive.
- Please. - I promise.
I might try to gauge your heat, though, over the clothes.
I am not a fucking animal.
You are making it really hard for me to say no.
Allow me to appeal to the foodie in you.
It's at a new place. A pop-up, if you will.
It's all the rage, four stars. The blogosphere is abuzz.
- That is so mean. - I know. I know.
You know I love trying new restaurants. Don't say that shit.
I do know that. Karen?
Something is burning.
I do believe your sad, little solo dinner is ruined.
- Fire! - Oh, my.
Okay, I see you didn't forget your wallet.
- Nope. - This is a new pop-up restaurant?
Yep.
So let's get it over with. I'm fucking starving.
Oh, I see what you're doing here, Karen.
You're establishing an attitude to combat...
...the romantic mood that I've established here.
And you know what? I'm okay with that.
Actually gives me something to work with.
In fact, it's the very essence of drama.
A guy wants something, something stands in his way.
- Little Engine That Could, same thing. - Oh, my God.
Hank, just shut the fuck up.
Refresh yourself.
Have a drink.
In vino veritas, or something like that.
In wine, there is truth, I believe. In whiskey, there may be a little more.
- In tequila, there's a lot of truth. - Okay, great. Where are the Runkles?
Those guys? Yeah, they went out to dinner on Abbot Kinney.
That little pop-up I was telling you about.
What? They got to go there?
You know I wanted to try that place. Why didn't you just take me there?
Because I thought this would be way more charming.
Dinner at Charlie and Marcy's house?
Come on, a dinner slaved over by yours truly at an empty Malibu beach house?
- This place is ours for hours. - Hank.
- Yes. - Look at me.
I am not gonna sleep with you.
- I have no such expectations. - Bullshit.
What is all this for if it's not to pry my legs apart?
I wanted to do this for you. You deserve it.
I mean, ever since I've come back, I've been adrift.
Obviously Levon rocked my world.
I've been down some roads that have led to dirty back alleys...
...but through it all, I've kept my eye on the prize.
- Hank. - Yes.
Aren't you tired?
I mean, don't you just, like, want to start again with someone new?
No. God, no. Is that what you want?
Yeah. I mean, sometimes. Sure.
Why would I find a new life when I haven't perfected the good old one?
Well, exactly. Maybe you can't perfect it.
I mean, at a certain point, it just, you know, it is what it is.
- And then we die. - I don't agree.
I do not agree.
See, I've learned a lot about myself during our time in the sun.
And through it all, I have only ever wanted one thing: You.
Maybe wanting is not enough.
- Isn't it, though? - I don't think so.
- I disagree. - Yeah, but it's not a debate.
- It's not something you can win. - Not trying to win anything.
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
You're always, like, trying a new angle, like this, you know.
Some huge, grand, romantic gesture.
What grand, romantic gesture?
What we really need to do is just look at our history...
...and realize it doesn't work.
I mean, we don't work.
Now, now, Karen, let's not turn this into some dry history lesson.
Let's just enjoy this glorious meal, okay? Have a bite, have another sip of wine.
Let's, you know, savor each other's company.
- You said that already. - I did?
- Yeah. - Well, it's true.
Hank?
- This is really good. - I know, right?
- Did you make this by yourself? - Yeah, yeah.
No.
I tried, but I failed miserably. What I made looked like sick on a plate, tasted worse.
So I went out and I procured some high-end takeout, full disclosure.
- I'm sorry. - That's okay, sweetie.
You see that? You are charmed by my failed attempts to charm you.
- Yeah, a little. - Have more wine.
There's truth in it, you know.
There's someone at the door.
- Hi. Not a good time. - Hi.
I'm sorry. I just... I felt bad about things, and I wanted to see how you were doing.
- I'm well. - And how's Karen?
- She's well... - She's fine.
Oh, hi. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, God, I had no idea. I'll be on my way.
- No, please, stay, stay. - Don't be silly.
- You're in the middle of something. - Just dinner.
What do you mean, "just dinner"? Just dinner.
Please stay.
We need to get to know one another.
Our paths are gonna be crossing here and there, right?
Why don't you guys, you know, make a date to meet for coffee next week?
- Want some wine? - That's a good idea.
- After tonight. - I would love a glass of wine.
It's kind of good. Here.
- Thank you, Karen. - You're welcome, Julia.
This is so great.
- And having a kid with him. - Holy shit, right?
This is still so great.
Yeah. Could we have some more wine, please?
- Do you have any dessert? - Oh, I'd be happy to, Karen.
- Hi. - What? What's wrong?
What's not wrong?
We go to dinner, and our credit cards get declined, all of them.
Runks got pissy. They called the cops.
It was a whole big to-do.
Could've left the door open for me, you know.
You knew I was coming in.
Just slamming it like that, that's very rude.
We need to stick together here, Marcy. Hello.
- Hello. - Hi.
You invited Julia to your romantic dinner with Karen?
You dirty dog, you.
- I just stopped by unannounced. - Oh, I see.
- Marcy Runkle. - Hi.
- Your kid's a doll. - Thank you so much.
You have the nicest friends.
Marcy Runkle, would you like perhaps to continue our propositional conversation...
...in the bedroom maybe?
No, I would like to seek outside counsel.
Karenina, Karenina.
Now that you're better, can I ask you a question?
- Anything. - Okay.
- Stu wants to sleep with me again. - Of course he does.
For a million dollars.
What?
He would pay you a million dollars...
...to sleep with you? - Yes.
Would he pay me a million dollars to sleep with me?
What the fuck, Karen? That's disgusting.
- What? It's a lot of money. - Gluten-free artisanal custard tort.
That's lovely.
- Is Stu the big, bald producer guy? - Yeah, that's right.
I saw the outline of his penis at the table read and it was freakishly big.
Yeah, that's my ex. Anyway, listen, he wouldn't be into you, honey.
He's only into tiny, petite little fuck dolls.
That's my girl: Tiny, little, petite fuck doll.
- Okay, so should I do it? - No. No.
That's my girl.
- But we are fucking broke. - I know.
Jesus Christ.
Julia. Julia.
Would you fuck a guy for a million dollars?
He's got a great big cock, fills you right up.
Jesus, Marcy.
I have never been that much of a size queen.
I prefer a pretty penis.
That's right, baby.
I'm sorry, Karen. It's just... It's very confusing.
And you invited her to join us, so...
It's true. We have both experienced his penis, and it...
- It is pretty. - It's okay.
I've seen it. I tugged on it...
...a couple times accidentally. - Disgusting.
It's a nice one, smooth helmet. Good job, kid.
I'm there with you. Good-Iooking cock, no homo.
- You guys are swell. - Well...
Krull, my good man.
- Welcome. Welcome. - Seriously, with this fucking guy again?
Hello, love. I've been seeing a lot of you lately...
...in my dreams, me daydreams, me wide-awake dreams...
...when I'm tugging meself.
- Okay. - That's neat. Thanks.
Charlie, are you just gonna let this degenerate talk to me like that?
This degenerate happens to be a client, Marcy.
Besides, he is complimenting you.
- Right, Krull? - Absolutely, love.
I notice you never have a problem when a certain perverted millionaire...
...talks to you like that. - E*xcuse me.
I was married to that perverted millionaire.
- Hello, Hank. - Krull, good to see you, my man.
And you, buddy. I drove him back, you know.
- Oh, nice. - On the back of me bike.
- For you. - You could've given him some suction.
- That was a long ride. - Bumpy too.
- It kind of numbed out my taint. - That happens.
- Who's this? - Hi, I'm Julia.
Hello, love.
Krull. Rock 'n' roll butler.
- Cool. - Speaking of such things...
...I got some pages for you there, Churchill.
Forgot about the time I walked in on Atticus...
...and he was blowing himself, and I surprised him.
He ended up blowing a load on the pair of us. I got combat pay for that one.
You see, Marcy? You see?
The kind of salacious details that sells rock 'n' roll memoirs.
Okay.
Hi, Levon.
- Hello, hello, hello. - Hey, everyone.
- Mom? What are you doing here? - I had to have a word with your dad.
Stay away from him till he puts a ring on that finger.
- What's that about? - Don't take advantage of my moms, yo.
Nobody's taking advantage of her, yo.
She's horny, single, and emotionally vulnerable now.
Honey, that's enough. Who is your friend?
Can I get you a drink?
- Why aren't you answering your phone? - I've been busy hosting.
- Who's your friend? - This is Mi.
Hey, hang on. I know Mi.
I knew you look familiar, big boy.
You pick me up on bike.
That's right, outside the All-American Burger.
Yeah, you jerk off on me.
- That's a good memory. - Mi got good head for trick.
Yeah, you sure do, darling. You sure do.
I went to that comic store on Sunset, met her when I was coming out.
- She was super nice, real friendly. - Yeah, I bet.
I owe her more money than I currently have on my person.
- What did you do? - E*verything, dude.
- Around the fucking world, in the butt. - Holy shit.
Made me wear a condom. It was hard to come.
Too much. How much?
I don't want to limit your sexual exploration...
...but you got to lay off the hookers. It's illegal, and there's diseases.
No, Mama. I make him put bag on it.
- Mi. - That's good, I guess.
He had a tough time:
- I did. I'm sorry, Mom. - Not what a mother wants for her son.
- No. - Julia, I told them that the last time.
- You did? - Yes.
- Thank you, Karen. That is so sweet. - You're so welcome. I am so sorry.
Yes.
- Rath. What are you doing here? - Hey. Is Hank around?
Hank, sorry to bother you at home, but a friend of yours insisted.
- Moody. - E*ddie Nero, as I live and breathe.
- Put me back in my chair. - Okay. All right.
No. It's okay.
I'll do it myself.
Dare I ask why you're in a wheelchair?
Have you finally had your genitals removed?
No, don't be silly. That was just a flight of fancy, an A-lister's daydream.
I thought I'd lost all my loads.
Then, your lovely soul mate taught me otherwise.
- Karen. - E*ddie.
Let me pepper you with kisses.
- How are you? It's so nice to see you. - It's so good to see you, Karen.
Good.
- Okay. - Can you feel it?
This is the site of our erotic encounter.
The wood of this humble abode has absorbed my seed, my very essence.
Are you as moist as I am?
Hey, pussy fart. How are you?
- Good, E*ddie. How are you? - No, no.
- I'm on duty. - Of course.
- For my character that I will be essaying... - Karen?
...in an upcoming episode of TV's Santa Monica Cops...
...which I have agreed to do.
Because all of the finest movie stars are coming to television.
And why not? Two days on a set, plus a meaty monologue...
...equals E*mmy nomination.
I'm going for the motherfucking E*GOT: E*mmy, Golden Globe, Oscar, Tony.
And for that, I will provide sexual favors to Neil Patrick Harris, if needed.
Anyway, Moody, I need you to write me a monologue.
I miss our collaborations.
Rath is a fine writer, but he's terse.
I need someone who can provide a glorious golden shower of verbiage.
And the E*mmy goes...
...to E*dward fucking Nero.
Good God, there are beautiful women around here tonight.
Glad I still have all my loads.
We could have quite the bukkake party later.
My character, he cannot achieve an erection.
He's been robbed of his manhood. But he's still a force to be reckoned with.
Hey. I know you.
From Sunset and Gardner.
Hey. That right, motherfucker.
Did not recognize you with the mustache.
Hey. You poop on me.
You're welcome.
Good news. Rath's hitting it off with Karen over there.
- Why is that good news? - Good news for me.
Staying the fuck away from my mom for once.
Guess who's chatting up your fucking mom, is E*ddie fucking Nero.
Yeah, we'll see. That guy will get the fucking stink finger if he tries anything.
No. Stink finger is powerless over him. Dude poops on people.
That's fucking unsettling.
- You think? - Yeah.
Hi. What's going on here?
- Hey. - Hey.
Well, I was just having the greatest conversation with your boss.
Yeah, well, he's not really my boss, per se.
Well, how else would you put it, Hank?
I like to think of us as compatriots, you know...
...birds of a feather, kindred spirits, writers, men.
- Men. - I hired you. I could fire you.
- I'd say that makes me your boss. - Okay, fine. Yeah, be that way.
You know, this evening started out as...
...an attempted intimate dinner for the two of us.
- And at some point, I would like to... - Yeah.
...get back to... - It's okay, sweetie.
...that particular... - I can... I can catch up with you anytime.
I mean, you know, I don't know when I'm next gonna get to see Rick.
We could see each other as often as you like because you aren't together, right?
- That's a... - Yeah, well...
...these things are very complicated with Hank. I asked him about Julia.
He said he wasn't involved with her. Next you know, he's inside of her.
Inside of her?
Okay. Yeah, well, why am I surprised?
I mean, of course he was.
It's just as well I like her, I guess.
- I'll get that. - I got it. I got it.
- Hello, Leon. - It's Levon.
Why is that so fucking hard for people to get?
Charlie, Marcy, so sorry to barge in on you guys like this...
...but I must have a word.
Hello, E*dward. How are you, bro?
Stu, my favorite moneyman.
Stu, I'm not even gonna get up off this fucking couch to deal with this shit.
First of all, thanks to E*ddie Nero here, my fucking knee is killing me.
Besides, everyone knows, Stu. E*veryone knows.
Well, in that case...
Look away, Marcy. Look away!
But it's so beautiful.
And it's all yours. Just say the word...
...and sign right here on the dotted line...
...and if you could initial here and here.
Stu, what is it about this woman?
E*dward, I'm so glad you asked me.
E*ntering her is like walking into the most wonderful candy store in the world.
Spending time inside of her is akin to cocooning yourself in the softest...
...most exotic of silks.
I remember I used to be able to press on her cute little tummy...
...and feel myself just throbbing away in there.
The hum was electric. You have to remember that, Marcy.
Yeah, I guess I do.
I'm gonna throw the fuck up.
If sex is what allows us to transcend this average, everyday...
...humdrum existence and get us that much closer to God...
...then it was with Marcy that I came within spitting distance of my maker.
What has happened to you, Stu? Have you lost your fucking mind?
I need to experience this pint-sized powerhouse.
I've seen her go at it.
She's like a feral cat with a greedy snatch.
Greedy snatch. Give me, give me, give me.
All for it, none for you.
- What? - Consider this a signing bonus.
Ten percent up front.
Do with it what you will.
We have to talk.
Come here.
- Listen to me. - What?
This kind of cash could get us out of all of our immediate debt.
Marcy, I have put out feelers about the Krull book...
...and I could get us at least that much.
- Almost. - What about next month, the month after?
Runkle, don't kid yourself. Things are tough out there.
I'm offering you some sweet relief. I mean, give yourself a break.
And you got to think about little Stuart.
My namesake.
Stu, you have got to stop disrespecting me in my own home!
Oh, this is clearly a rental.
- Hit him. - No.
Okay, Runkle, now you pushed me too far.
I'm gonna...
Stop it.
Charlie.
My boy Runkle's got some serious retard strength right now.
- Yeah. Get him. - Come on.
No fighting.
- Not on my watch. - Holy shit. That thing is real?
When I'm in research mode, I go all out. I'm not fucking around.
Okay, I'm calling the network. I cannot work with this guy.
- I thought Hashtag was bad. - No one should fight like this.
No man should fight like this.
Last time I was here, I fought much like this with a man named Hank Moody...
...who bested me that night and deservedly so.
And do you know why?
Because I slept with his woman.
Wheelchair or not, I will kick you in the fucking cock.
There's no need. I have a confession to make.
I did not penetrate your beloved that night.
I fully intended to, but I hadn't come with a woman in so long...
...that I merely...
...made wet in my tunic.
She did me the great honor of making it seem like we made sweet love.
Why she is such an incredible woman.
What is this, fucking Christmas? This is great news.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I didn't want to betray E*ddie's confidence.
Her loveliness is giving me an erection now.
In spite of my best efforts to stay in character.
You know, and also, I kind of wanted you to think that we had.
- Oh, really, you did, did you? - Karen.
If you would grant me another chance, I am reasonably sure...
...I could penetrate you in a satisfactory manner, Karen.
Although you would have to lift me up off of the chair into the bed.
E*ver had sex with a handicapped man?
E*ddie, I think we had a moment, and I think that moment's passed.
Thank you for your honesty. What about you, Goldilocks?
- You ever made love to a paraplegic? - Actually, I did once.
I really liked him, but then Levon scared him away.
He told him if he tried anything funny, he'd push him into traffic.
What? I was young and angry, okay? I didn't have a fucking father.
- Come on. - He was really good at oral sex.
Gross. That's fucking foul.
- I should've pushed that gimp into traffic. - Not nice.
He wasn't as good as yours truly?
Sorry to say, yes. I mean, he was really good.
- That's rough. - Not any better than E*dward R. Nero...
...who is nothing if not a cunning linguist.
You know, I'm a single mom, E*ddie. And I'm not easily wooed.
I'm a single father with millions of dollars and unlimited loads.
"Unlimited loads"?
E*mpty your pockets, bitches.
E*veryone do exactly what she says.
I am in extraordinary shape, but I do not think I could survive a bullet in the head.
- Come on! - Are you fucking kidding?
Nope. Hurry. Now.
- I thought you used to be a cop. - Shut up.
I was a fucking transit cop, okay?
What difference does it make anyway? I don't have a gun on me.
E*dward!
Later, bitches.
- Bye, Mi. I had fun tonight. - Hey. That's mine.
Aren't you glad we didn't go to some boring place on Abbot Kinney?
Do you think E*ddie's gonna be okay?
He seemed all right loading into the ambulance.
He asked me to e-mail him a draft of the monologue ASAP...
...so he can start learning his lines.
It's not like he's actually human or anything.
I think he's gonna be fine.
Isn't it crazy how nothing good ever happens in Charlie and Marcy's house?
It's like that place was built on some Indian burial ground...
...or something. - Yeah, like a bunch of horny...
...Malibu Indians rolling around underneath there. I don't know.
- Good night. - Good night.
At least I learned that you didn't do sex with E*ddie...
...so I will sleep easier tonight.
And I learned that you recently did do sex...
...with the mother of your first child.
I'm sorry about that.
Why?
It's your life. If there's something about it you don't like, you change it.
I am trying.
Hank, again, I ask you why.
You thrive on chaos.
I mean, you need to be in the middle of some kind of mess of your own creation.
Right?
That's what makes you attractive...
...and also impossible to live with.
"Impossible" is a very strong word, Karen.
Hank, I love you...
...but I can't be with you.
When will you accept that?
Never.
It's also what makes me attractive.
Yeah.
And very lonely. Ripped By mstoll