1
00:00:02,834 --> 00:00:04,301
Hey, Justin.

2
00:00:04,336 --> 00:00:05,703
Hey, Sabrina.

3
00:00:05,737 --> 00:00:07,562
Oh, you are not wearing pants. Hello.

4
00:00:07,562 --> 00:00:10,395
You have got to help me.

5
00:00:10,395 --> 00:00:11,887
Danny has gone crazy.

6
00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:14,140
Wow! There you are, woman.

7
00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,906
Get away from that sheriff.

8
00:00:15,906 --> 00:00:18,197
Hey, boy, she don't concern you.

9
00:00:18,197 --> 00:00:19,698
You hear me? [Imitates gunshot]

10
00:00:20,955 --> 00:00:22,453
Shoot him, sheriff!

11
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:25,321
Okay.

12
00:00:26,929 --> 00:00:27,809
Are you guys using me

13
00:00:27,809 --> 00:00:30,885
as part of a weird cowboy
sexual role play right now?

14
00:00:32,871 --> 00:00:35,173
In fact, yes, we are,
man, and you know what?

15
00:00:35,173 --> 00:00:36,768
You can either get on board
with being the sheriff,

16
00:00:36,768 --> 00:00:37,976
or after you leave,

17
00:00:37,976 --> 00:00:39,744
Sabrina and I can go into your bedroom

18
00:00:39,744 --> 00:00:40,776
and do sexual acts

19
00:00:40,776 --> 00:00:43,084
that your bobbleheads cannot unsee, so...

20
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:46,167
You on board with being the sheriff or not?

21
00:00:49,930 --> 00:00:52,075
We don't want no trouble from you, partner.

22
00:00:52,075 --> 00:00:53,362
Yow!

23
00:00:54,409 --> 00:00:56,128
Danny: All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

24
00:00:56,128 --> 00:00:57,666
Justin: Okay. We are going.

25
00:00:59,632 --> 00:01:01,459
You walk like someone who's never had sex.

26
00:01:01,459 --> 00:01:02,234
There's no walk like that.

27
00:01:02,234 --> 00:01:03,296
Yes, there is. And it's your walk.

28
00:01:03,570 --> 00:01:07,528
Synced and corrected by Mastermonger.
www.addic7ed.com

29
00:01:08,408 --> 00:01:10,127
Well, I got to get to class, so...

30
00:01:10,127 --> 00:01:11,829
Hey, babe, come on, put that away.

31
00:01:11,829 --> 00:01:14,180
Uh, I don't ever have to pay
for drinks at Justin's bar.

32
00:01:14,180 --> 00:01:14,879
It's kind of a rule.

33
00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:18,097
It's not a rule.

34
00:01:18,068 --> 00:01:19,620
I didn't say it was one you knew about.

35
00:01:21,025 --> 00:01:21,926
Thank you, Justin.

36
00:01:21,926 --> 00:01:24,066
God, grad-school tuition
is just killing me.

37
00:01:24,066 --> 00:01:26,231
Remember in college how
we used to stay up late

38
00:01:26,231 --> 00:01:28,588
dreaming about you being
broke and me being divorced?

39
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,191
We did it, Sabrina.

40
00:01:30,885 --> 00:01:33,062
Dreams do come true. [Chuckles]

41
00:01:37,041 --> 00:01:38,864
Hey, if she needs cash, why
doesn't she just work here

42
00:01:38,864 --> 00:01:40,114
till Nicki's back in town?

43
00:01:40,114 --> 00:01:42,297
No! No! No! No! No! No! No, no, no!

44
00:01:42,297 --> 00:01:44,384
All right, look, I'm trying
to keep it casual with Sabrina.

45
00:01:44,384 --> 00:01:45,261
All right, I can't do that

46
00:01:45,261 --> 00:01:46,925
if she's gonna be hanging
around here all the time.

47
00:01:46,925 --> 00:01:49,213
Danny, Sabrina's one of my oldest friends.

48
00:01:49,213 --> 00:01:50,748
Yeah, I know, and I actually kind of wish

49
00:01:50,748 --> 00:01:52,168
that she was one of your youngest friends.

50
00:01:55,258 --> 00:01:56,458
I like her a lot.

51
00:01:56,458 --> 00:01:59,372
I'm just worried about me
getting too close too fast.

52
00:01:59,372 --> 00:02:00,019
That's all.

53
00:02:00,019 --> 00:02:03,090
[Singsong voice] Uh-oh.

54
00:02:06,105 --> 00:02:08,310
Did somebody just say "too close too fast"?

55
00:02:08,310 --> 00:02:10,086
'Cause with the ladies,
that's kind of my jam.

56
00:02:11,884 --> 00:02:14,589
With Nicki, I can't get
close enough fast enough.

57
00:02:14,589 --> 00:02:16,189
Danny, I already got her
a Christmas present...

58
00:02:16,189 --> 00:02:17,793
For next year.

59
00:02:19,453 --> 00:02:22,938
I gave my grandma a coupon book
for 10 hugs when I was little.

60
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:26,506
I still owe that bitch nine hugs.

61
00:02:29,117 --> 00:02:31,333
Look, you guys don't understand, all right?

62
00:02:31,333 --> 00:02:32,461
If I'm with a girl

63
00:02:32,461 --> 00:02:35,260
and I'm even slightly
in the relationship zone,

64
00:02:35,260 --> 00:02:37,472
then I just... I'll self sabotage, man.

65
00:02:37,472 --> 00:02:39,957
I'll ignore texts, I start dropping hints

66
00:02:39,957 --> 00:02:41,124
that I'm sleeping with other women,

67
00:02:41,124 --> 00:02:42,669
and then I'll actually
sleep with those women.

68
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,074
He's been this way his whole life.

69
00:02:45,074 --> 00:02:48,077
Girl gets too close and he
tosses her out like bad milk.

70
00:02:48,077 --> 00:02:50,367
I like my babes like I
like my expired milk...

71
00:02:50,367 --> 00:02:52,085
spoiled and chunky.

72
00:02:55,064 --> 00:02:57,415
Look, I want some sort
of peaceful solution.

73
00:02:57,415 --> 00:02:59,894
I've actually never been
with a girl this long before.

74
00:02:59,894 --> 00:03:01,759
How long has it been? One month today.

75
00:03:03,004 --> 00:03:05,468
Wow, in Danny time, that's like 10 years.

76
00:03:06,125 --> 00:03:07,307
Uh-oh.

77
00:03:07,473 --> 00:03:10,007
Do I see a little Justin
rubbing off on your face?

78
00:03:10,007 --> 00:03:10,745
Hey, man.

79
00:03:10,745 --> 00:03:12,658
If you touch my face, I touch your face.

80
00:03:12,658 --> 00:03:14,447
- I touch your face.
- No, I touch your face, then.

81
00:03:14,447 --> 00:03:15,473
- Touch your face.
- I got to do it even.

82
00:03:15,473 --> 00:03:17,042
It's got to be even if I do it.

83
00:03:17,042 --> 00:03:17,828
Enough!

84
00:03:17,828 --> 00:03:20,039
Enough. Enough. Enough. Enough.

85
00:03:20,769 --> 00:03:22,304
Look, Sabrina's great.

86
00:03:22,304 --> 00:03:23,685
I'm really proud of you, little bro.

87
00:03:23,685 --> 00:03:26,859
Oh, grandma, I'm gonna
give away one of your hugs.

88
00:03:29,830 --> 00:03:33,365
If you're looking down, yes,
it's going to a white boy.

89
00:03:38,592 --> 00:03:41,139
Have any of you ever
named another man's penis

90
00:03:41,139 --> 00:03:42,299
without asking first?

91
00:03:46,089 --> 00:03:47,776
I feel like this is a trap.

92
00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:51,167
No, look, I went to the
farmers market yesterday,

93
00:03:51,167 --> 00:03:54,150
and I met a guy, and we've been texting,

94
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,017
and it's got a little bit saucy.

95
00:03:57,159 --> 00:04:00,462
And he named it...
sight unseen, mind you...

96
00:04:00,462 --> 00:04:01,769
and it's not great.

97
00:04:03,759 --> 00:04:05,023
How bad could it be?

98
00:04:05,023 --> 00:04:07,437
Oh, that's not what you want.

99
00:04:09,935 --> 00:04:11,368
I'm sure I'm overreacting.

100
00:04:11,368 --> 00:04:12,586
It's not a big deal.

101
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,345
I mean, it's a big deal.

102
00:04:17,130 --> 00:04:17,981
You know what I mean.

103
00:04:17,981 --> 00:04:18,770
It doesn't matter.

104
00:04:18,770 --> 00:04:20,940
Yeah, you know what?
Don't you dare say that.

105
00:04:20,940 --> 00:04:24,258
I had a friend whose
fiancé named it Waldo. Eh?

106
00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:26,847
You know, it's like every
time they were hooking up,

107
00:04:26,847 --> 00:04:29,031
she was all like,
"where's Waldo? Oh, my God.

108
00:04:29,031 --> 00:04:30,391
"Oh, there he is. Hey, look.

109
00:04:30,391 --> 00:04:32,211
Cute hat," or whatever.

110
00:04:33,762 --> 00:04:36,493
Look, you got to get
your name out there first

111
00:04:36,493 --> 00:04:37,634
before this one sticks.

112
00:04:37,634 --> 00:04:40,113
Hey, what about you, man?
What's Nicki call yours?

113
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,378
I feel like that's private, so...

114
00:04:42,378 --> 00:04:46,089
Come on, baby bird. Oh, is it baby bird?

115
00:04:48,011 --> 00:04:49,529
Oh, it is now.

116
00:04:49,529 --> 00:04:52,471
Baby bird. Baby bird.

117
00:05:00,584 --> 00:05:02,719
Oh, babe.

118
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,625
Mm!

119
00:05:04,625 --> 00:05:06,744
I can't believe you sent me flowers

120
00:05:06,744 --> 00:05:08,568
just because we've been
together for a month.

121
00:05:09,604 --> 00:05:10,787
Oh.

122
00:05:10,787 --> 00:05:13,293
I am gonna go put these in your room.

123
00:05:13,293 --> 00:05:16,993
Oh, you rock.

124
00:05:17,764 --> 00:05:19,315
You rock. You rock.

125
00:05:19,315 --> 00:05:22,106
You're like a rockette
with your high kicks!

126
00:05:22,106 --> 00:05:23,255
What the hell?!

127
00:05:24,274 --> 00:05:25,667
Dude, what did you do?

128
00:05:25,667 --> 00:05:27,011
I just sent her flowers.

129
00:05:27,011 --> 00:05:28,184
I'm helping you.

130
00:05:28,184 --> 00:05:29,816
You said you didn't want to ruin things.

131
00:05:29,816 --> 00:05:31,230
You've been dating her a month,

132
00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:32,623
and as a guy who knows
how to treat a woman,

133
00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:35,333
[singsong voice] this is how we do it.

134
00:05:36,955 --> 00:05:38,739
Dude, I should kick you so hard

135
00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:39,903
where your testicles should be.

136
00:05:42,672 --> 00:05:43,626
Hey.

137
00:05:43,626 --> 00:05:44,666
Hey.

138
00:05:44,666 --> 00:05:47,810
I didn't want to be the
first one to say something,

139
00:05:47,810 --> 00:05:49,603
but since you seem really ready

140
00:05:49,603 --> 00:05:50,889
to take things to the next level,

141
00:05:50,889 --> 00:05:52,302
I just wanted to let you know

142
00:05:52,302 --> 00:05:55,115
that I am so in.

143
00:05:55,115 --> 00:05:57,381
You're in. [Chuckles]

144
00:05:57,381 --> 00:05:58,534
I'm in.

145
00:05:58,534 --> 00:05:59,706
You are. You're in.

146
00:05:59,706 --> 00:06:01,146
- We're in.
- We're both in.

147
00:06:01,146 --> 00:06:02,745
We're both in! [Chuckles]

148
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,056
Ow!

149
00:06:11,921 --> 00:06:13,433
So, I will see you tonight.

150
00:06:13,433 --> 00:06:15,277
We'll go out we and celebrate, okay?

151
00:06:15,277 --> 00:06:17,852
- So okay. So okay.
- Okay.

152
00:06:17,852 --> 00:06:19,486
[Chuckles] Hey, man.

153
00:06:19,486 --> 00:06:22,507
Um, so, I don't want to overstate this

154
00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,887
because I know that,
like, you really mean well,

155
00:06:24,887 --> 00:06:27,601
but you're everything
that's wrong with everything.

156
00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:33,250
Listen, I know you
think relationships suck,

157
00:06:33,250 --> 00:06:35,888
but let me ask you something,
those girls before Sabrina,

158
00:06:35,888 --> 00:06:37,761
you know, the ones you
kept at arm's length,

159
00:06:37,761 --> 00:06:38,763
what happened to them?

160
00:06:38,763 --> 00:06:41,251
Um, they all got tired of waiting around

161
00:06:41,251 --> 00:06:42,812
for me to be serious and they left me.

162
00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:47,103
Or they moved to Spain
and got gored by bulls.

163
00:06:47,103 --> 00:06:47,915
I don't really care.

164
00:06:49,275 --> 00:06:50,852
But you do care about Sabrina.

165
00:06:50,852 --> 00:06:52,824
Yeah.

166
00:06:52,824 --> 00:06:54,387
Louder, please.

167
00:06:54,387 --> 00:06:56,219
- Yeah!
- Thank you.

168
00:06:56,219 --> 00:06:58,080
And you want to know why?
It's 'cause you like her.

169
00:06:58,080 --> 00:06:59,576
You actually like this girl.

170
00:06:59,576 --> 00:07:01,525
You even told me yourself
you've never met a girl

171
00:07:01,525 --> 00:07:04,173
that can understand how
truly handsome you are.

172
00:07:06,454 --> 00:07:09,123
I don't know. She just...
she just gets it, you know?

173
00:07:12,379 --> 00:07:13,284
[Chuckles]

174
00:07:13,284 --> 00:07:15,108
Yeah, see, you're getting it, dude.

175
00:07:15,108 --> 00:07:16,950
Relationships are amazing.

176
00:07:16,950 --> 00:07:20,070
It's like dating but better
emotionally and physically.

177
00:07:20,070 --> 00:07:21,304
In fact, there's a sexual position

178
00:07:21,304 --> 00:07:23,174
you can only do when
you're in a relationship.

179
00:07:23,174 --> 00:07:24,159
Danny...

180
00:07:24,159 --> 00:07:27,164
Have you ever put your
heart inside a woman?

181
00:07:33,433 --> 00:07:34,476
What?

182
00:07:34,476 --> 00:07:37,430
I mean, I don't know. Oh, gosh.

183
00:07:37,430 --> 00:07:39,637
I mean, even if I wanted
to try and make this work,

184
00:07:39,637 --> 00:07:40,802
which I guess I kind of do,

185
00:07:40,802 --> 00:07:43,013
it's just like I'm not sure I know how.

186
00:07:43,013 --> 00:07:44,514
It's simple. Sit down.

187
00:07:44,514 --> 00:07:47,603
Look, you just have to remember one thing.

188
00:07:47,603 --> 00:07:49,075
Listening.

189
00:07:49,075 --> 00:07:52,016
Now, I know listening isn't
really your strong suit.

190
00:07:52,016 --> 00:07:54,731
I don't know, man, listening
really isn't my strong suit.

191
00:07:54,731 --> 00:07:57,116
If you ever get lost and
you're not sure what to say,

192
00:07:57,116 --> 00:07:59,042
you can just say the following phrase.

193
00:07:59,042 --> 00:08:01,238
"It sounds like you got
a lot on your plate."

194
00:08:01,238 --> 00:08:05,013
That applies to literally
every conversation.

195
00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:08,104
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

196
00:08:08,104 --> 00:08:09,410
Listen, Danny, you can do this.

197
00:08:09,410 --> 00:08:10,399
You got to go for it.

198
00:08:10,399 --> 00:08:13,176
Doing nothing is just
another form of self sabotage.

199
00:08:13,176 --> 00:08:15,146
Wait a minute, are you telling me

200
00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:17,732
that my relationship needs
to either get busy living

201
00:08:17,732 --> 00:08:19,852
or get busy dying, because that line

202
00:08:19,852 --> 00:08:21,798
is directly from "The
Shawshank Redemption,"

203
00:08:21,798 --> 00:08:23,935
and that is the best
non-computer-animated movie

204
00:08:23,935 --> 00:08:25,032
of all time.

205
00:08:27,328 --> 00:08:27,899
Yes!

206
00:08:27,899 --> 00:08:30,284
I want you to go full
Shawshank on this relationship.

207
00:08:30,284 --> 00:08:32,621
I want you to tunnel out
of that emotional prison

208
00:08:32,621 --> 00:08:34,687
one spoonful at a time.
- Yeah.

209
00:08:34,687 --> 00:08:37,139
I can imagine, like, Morgan
Freeman's voice, like,

210
00:08:37,139 --> 00:08:38,740
[imitating Morgan freeman]
"That... that... that's when

211
00:08:38,740 --> 00:08:40,560
"Danny Burton opened up his heart,

212
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:41,610
and you know what?"

213
00:08:41,610 --> 00:08:45,552
"He opened up his eyes, too."

214
00:08:45,552 --> 00:08:46,461
[Normal voice] Look, I get it.

215
00:08:46,461 --> 00:08:49,009
I like Sabrina, and how about this, man?

216
00:08:49,009 --> 00:08:51,798
I can totally try and embrace
being in a relationship, okay?

217
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:52,793
Yes.

218
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:53,821
And I'm gonna tell you something

219
00:08:53,821 --> 00:08:55,564
I told every woman I've ever had sex with.

220
00:08:55,564 --> 00:08:57,876
This is gonna be a lot
better than you think.

221
00:09:04,741 --> 00:09:06,725
All right, let's rename your penis.

222
00:09:08,436 --> 00:09:10,891
Brought in a baby-naming book.

223
00:09:10,891 --> 00:09:13,004
And we're off to an awful start.

224
00:09:13,004 --> 00:09:16,319
I don't think this says anything
about where I am in my life,

225
00:09:16,319 --> 00:09:18,446
but I'm 34 and I need to name something.

226
00:09:20,263 --> 00:09:21,184
Come on, Brett.

227
00:09:21,184 --> 00:09:22,815
The best names reflect the personality,

228
00:09:22,815 --> 00:09:24,130
so describe him.

229
00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:25,562
I'm sorry, I'm just not comfortable

230
00:09:25,562 --> 00:09:27,260
going through the
intricate details of my...

231
00:09:27,260 --> 00:09:28,496
So, he's handsome.

232
00:09:29,343 --> 00:09:31,352
Um, he's a bit of a guy's guy.

233
00:09:33,075 --> 00:09:35,331
And, uh, he's quite shy,

234
00:09:35,331 --> 00:09:38,497
but has also been known
to rise to the occasion.

235
00:09:41,536 --> 00:09:42,911
Why not Barack?

236
00:09:42,911 --> 00:09:45,596
He still fills me with hope.

237
00:09:46,526 --> 00:09:49,062
You know, Barack actually
works for mine, too,

238
00:09:49,062 --> 00:09:51,614
because it's gradually moving
a little more to the left,

239
00:09:51,614 --> 00:09:54,710
and people only ask for it
about once every four years.

240
00:09:57,052 --> 00:09:58,373
All right.

241
00:09:58,373 --> 00:10:00,432
We're not doing clever nicknames.

242
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:02,328
How about Liam?

243
00:10:03,283 --> 00:10:04,802
Finn? Lance?

244
00:10:04,802 --> 00:10:05,739
Sounds like you're putting together

245
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:06,806
the world's gayest boy band.

246
00:10:07,978 --> 00:10:10,344
The Buttstreet Boys.

247
00:10:13,391 --> 00:10:15,670
I'm not proud, but I got more.

248
00:10:15,670 --> 00:10:19,116
Be, uh, Nude Kids on the Block.

249
00:10:19,868 --> 00:10:23,148
Boys do Men.

250
00:10:24,985 --> 00:10:26,657
The Jonas Brothers. That's...

251
00:10:33,150 --> 00:10:34,681
Sometimes I feel like I'm in competition

252
00:10:34,681 --> 00:10:36,243
with the other people
in my Master's program,

253
00:10:36,243 --> 00:10:38,569
but at the same time, it's
like, "same team, guys."

254
00:10:38,569 --> 00:10:39,767
You know what I mean?

255
00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:41,269
- Yeah.
- So, I don't know.

256
00:10:41,269 --> 00:10:42,082
What do you think?

257
00:10:43,154 --> 00:10:44,537
Um...

258
00:10:49,927 --> 00:10:53,143
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

259
00:10:54,516 --> 00:10:55,442
You know what? You're right.

260
00:10:55,442 --> 00:10:57,312
I am trying to do too much, I think.

261
00:10:57,312 --> 00:10:59,074
Thank you so much for listening.

262
00:10:59,074 --> 00:11:00,439
Oh.

263
00:11:00,439 --> 00:11:02,060
Thanks for constantly talking.

264
00:11:03,298 --> 00:11:05,011
We should probably be
getting to the restaurant,

265
00:11:05,011 --> 00:11:07,617
so I am just gonna go touch up real quick.

266
00:11:07,617 --> 00:11:08,496
- Okay.
- Okay?

267
00:11:08,496 --> 00:11:10,031
Uh-huh.

268
00:11:10,031 --> 00:11:13,107
See? How great is this?

269
00:11:13,107 --> 00:11:14,191
Are you kidding me?!

270
00:11:14,191 --> 00:11:15,970
This has been the longest
three hours of my life.

271
00:11:18,323 --> 00:11:20,134
You got here 10 minutes ago.

272
00:11:20,134 --> 00:11:22,621
Oh, my God, man. That
means time has stopped.

273
00:11:24,925 --> 00:11:27,044
No, you're freaking out
right now, all right?

274
00:11:27,044 --> 00:11:29,080
Just calm down.

275
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:32,136
You sat at this exact same
table with her last night.

276
00:11:32,136 --> 00:11:35,550
Yeah, but last night, there
were no expectations, okay?

277
00:11:35,550 --> 00:11:36,943
Right now, we're just like,

278
00:11:36,943 --> 00:11:39,621
"uh, ooh, we're having some drinks, and... "

279
00:11:41,460 --> 00:11:43,324
Later on, dude, later on we're gonna

280
00:11:43,324 --> 00:11:46,125
[mockingly] Go out and
get something to eat.

281
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,289
You're just saying normal things

282
00:11:48,289 --> 00:11:50,083
in a disgusted tone, all right?

283
00:11:50,083 --> 00:11:51,259
Nothing has changed.

284
00:11:51,259 --> 00:11:53,129
Sabrina's not acting any different.

285
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,983
[Laughs]

286
00:11:54,983 --> 00:11:57,949
Yeah, I know, man. That's...
man, everything's the same.

287
00:11:57,949 --> 00:12:00,648
Huh? That's how smart
girls play it, man, huh?

288
00:12:00,648 --> 00:12:02,877
Nothing changes.

289
00:12:02,877 --> 00:12:04,044
Nothing at all changes

290
00:12:04,044 --> 00:12:05,733
up until the day you get married,

291
00:12:05,733 --> 00:12:07,290
and then guess what?

292
00:12:07,290 --> 00:12:10,606
Everything's the same.

293
00:12:15,333 --> 00:12:17,094
Danny's having a panic attack!

294
00:12:17,094 --> 00:12:17,660
Snap out of it!

295
00:12:17,660 --> 00:12:19,428
Hey, man, you touch my
face, I'll touch your face.

296
00:12:19,428 --> 00:12:20,912
- I touch your face!
- You don't do it like that!

297
00:12:20,912 --> 00:12:23,350
I owe you a touch if you
touch me like that, man.

298
00:12:23,350 --> 00:12:24,368
Hey.

299
00:12:24,368 --> 00:12:25,941
Let me handle this.

300
00:12:25,941 --> 00:12:28,627
I briefly went to nursing school.

301
00:12:29,654 --> 00:12:30,935
Danny.

302
00:12:30,935 --> 00:12:33,240
You need to do what we
medical professionals

303
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,908
call calm your ass down.

304
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:38,478
I don't think I can do this.

305
00:12:38,478 --> 00:12:40,506
I'm not this guy.

306
00:12:42,049 --> 00:12:43,801
Danny.

307
00:12:47,543 --> 00:12:49,022
Where's Danny?

308
00:12:49,022 --> 00:12:50,500
Interesting story.

309
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:52,564
Did you know that Shelly

310
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:54,887
briefly went to nursing school?

311
00:12:54,887 --> 00:12:55,963
Why did you quit, buddy?

312
00:12:55,963 --> 00:12:57,589
I was asked to.

313
00:13:01,896 --> 00:13:03,812
I started playing God.

314
00:13:10,246 --> 00:13:12,446
Of course Danny didn't
ditch you at the bar.

315
00:13:12,446 --> 00:13:13,752
Don't be crazy.

316
00:13:13,752 --> 00:13:15,904
Danny just ran out

317
00:13:15,904 --> 00:13:18,128
so he could set up a
special evening at the house.

318
00:13:18,128 --> 00:13:19,244
Isn't that right, Danny?

319
00:13:19,244 --> 00:13:20,414
Uh...

320
00:13:21,594 --> 00:13:22,748
Yeah.

321
00:13:23,317 --> 00:13:26,096
Oh. So, can I take my blindfold off?

322
00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:27,568
Uh, no, no, no. Not... not quite yet.

323
00:13:27,568 --> 00:13:28,580
I don't want to... I don't want to...

324
00:13:28,580 --> 00:13:30,624
You're gonna really... He's
not done arranging things.

325
00:13:30,624 --> 00:13:33,294
I mean, there's wine and rose petals.

326
00:13:35,822 --> 00:13:37,201
Hey man, what the hell are you doing?

327
00:13:37,201 --> 00:13:38,325
I'm saving your ass!

328
00:13:38,325 --> 00:13:40,624
Wow, Danny, that is a lot of candles.

329
00:13:40,624 --> 00:13:42,159
Start lighting some candles!

330
00:13:42,824 --> 00:13:45,258
This is bad! You got
to get her out of here!

331
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,070
No, this is good.

332
00:13:46,070 --> 00:13:47,882
If you just open yourself
up, I'm telling you.

333
00:13:47,882 --> 00:13:48,952
No, man, trust me!

334
00:13:48,952 --> 00:13:50,568
This is really, really bad!

335
00:13:52,315 --> 00:13:53,314
What's going on?

336
00:13:54,865 --> 00:13:55,757
Who is that?

337
00:13:55,757 --> 00:13:58,309
Uh, that... that was me.
I was doing a girly voice.

338
00:13:58,309 --> 00:14:00,035
[High-pitched voice]
What's going on? Oh, my God!

339
00:14:00,035 --> 00:14:02,477
This is crazy. I'm losing it!

340
00:14:02,477 --> 00:14:04,904
Okay. This is getting seriously weird.

341
00:14:04,904 --> 00:14:05,921
I'm taking this off.

342
00:14:05,921 --> 00:14:07,286
[Normal voice] No! No! Just...

343
00:14:07,286 --> 00:14:10,184
Uh, uh, Danny is not ready yet,

344
00:14:10,184 --> 00:14:11,804
so you have to wait a
minute, Sabrina, please.

345
00:14:14,803 --> 00:14:17,412
This does not feel like
a sustainable solution!

346
00:14:18,951 --> 00:14:21,663
Justin, get your hand off of my face.

347
00:14:21,663 --> 00:14:22,364
Ow!

348
00:14:25,769 --> 00:14:27,402
Wow.

349
00:14:30,516 --> 00:14:31,308
Sabrina, wait.

350
00:14:31,308 --> 00:14:32,752
What?

351
00:14:34,428 --> 00:14:35,891
I don't know.

352
00:14:35,891 --> 00:14:37,855
Honestly, I-I didn't
expect you to really wait.

353
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,442
Hey, there he is.

354
00:14:45,442 --> 00:14:47,057
You know what? To hell with baby bird.

355
00:14:47,057 --> 00:14:48,752
I'm gonna start calling you Cilantro.

356
00:14:48,752 --> 00:14:50,695
Why Cilantro?

357
00:14:50,695 --> 00:14:52,152
Because you ruin everything.

358
00:14:53,648 --> 00:14:55,540
Why did you have to
invite Sabrina over, okay?

359
00:14:55,540 --> 00:14:57,337
What are you gonna do now
to "fix" my relationship?

360
00:14:57,337 --> 00:14:59,603
Have a film festival and
show all my old sex tapes?

361
00:15:00,457 --> 00:15:02,129
Ticket for one, please.

362
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:08,049
Are you really trying to
say that this is my fault?

363
00:15:08,049 --> 00:15:09,281
All I know is yesterday,

364
00:15:09,281 --> 00:15:11,088
I was happy with Sabrina, all right?

365
00:15:11,088 --> 00:15:12,946
And then you pushed me into a relationship,

366
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:14,206
and now it's over.

367
00:15:15,153 --> 00:15:16,016
Oh.

368
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,367
Oh, you were happy

369
00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:19,682
just having sex with a beautiful woman,

370
00:15:19,682 --> 00:15:20,615
no strings attached?

371
00:15:20,615 --> 00:15:22,052
Yeah, that doesn't really help my argument,

372
00:15:22,052 --> 00:15:23,230
but I feel like if I keep talking,

373
00:15:23,230 --> 00:15:24,843
that eventually, I'm gonna find it,

374
00:15:24,843 --> 00:15:25,700
and you're just... you know what?

375
00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:27,944
The more I live with you, I
realize you're just a selfish person

376
00:15:27,944 --> 00:15:29,366
who just comes and goes as you please

377
00:15:29,366 --> 00:15:30,654
with no responsibilities,

378
00:15:30,654 --> 00:15:31,845
and what's gonna end up happening

379
00:15:31,845 --> 00:15:33,342
is every girl you have is just gonna leave,

380
00:15:33,342 --> 00:15:34,658
and you're gonna spend every night alone.

381
00:15:34,658 --> 00:15:36,822
There we go! Now I'm
starting to get my argument!

382
00:15:36,822 --> 00:15:39,374
Coming in for the landing!
You'll never find love!

383
00:15:44,872 --> 00:15:45,961
Is that how you all feel?

384
00:15:45,961 --> 00:15:47,988
You'd have to read it back to me.

385
00:15:51,454 --> 00:15:52,495
Brett?

386
00:15:52,495 --> 00:15:53,881
Hey, guys, for a penis name,

387
00:15:53,881 --> 00:15:54,979
what do you think of Duncan?

388
00:15:57,750 --> 00:15:59,774
It's Scottish for "brown warrior."

389
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:06,195
Listen, if you had any guts at all,

390
00:16:06,195 --> 00:16:07,545
you would try to fix
this thing with Sabrina.

391
00:16:07,545 --> 00:16:08,745
But guess what?

392
00:16:08,745 --> 00:16:10,935
You won't.

393
00:16:10,935 --> 00:16:12,225
Sorry, Danny.

394
00:16:12,225 --> 00:16:13,967
Justin's right, you're a coward.

395
00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:16,218
Oh, is that what he was saying?

396
00:16:16,218 --> 00:16:19,433
'Cause I agree with that.

397
00:16:26,215 --> 00:16:27,847
Hey, Sabrina, how's it going?

398
00:16:27,847 --> 00:16:28,997
Guys, box her in.

399
00:16:36,012 --> 00:16:38,053
Her stare's cold, Danny.

400
00:16:39,338 --> 00:16:41,451
Les, could you help me out?

401
00:16:41,451 --> 00:16:42,355
She's your friend.

402
00:16:42,355 --> 00:16:43,979
[Sighs]

403
00:16:43,979 --> 00:16:46,817
Sabrina, I warned you about Danny

404
00:16:46,817 --> 00:16:48,390
and you said it would
never affect our friendship.

405
00:16:48,390 --> 00:16:49,534
And it won't.

406
00:16:49,534 --> 00:16:51,454
Did what I could.

407
00:16:51,454 --> 00:16:54,659
Sabrina, w-wait, okay.

408
00:16:54,659 --> 00:16:57,738
I-I-I really, actually,

409
00:16:57,738 --> 00:16:59,203
I have something to say this time.

410
00:17:04,078 --> 00:17:05,822
I'm a coward, you know, and...

411
00:17:06,812 --> 00:17:08,948
I know that that...

412
00:17:10,765 --> 00:17:12,852
probably doesn't make much
sense to you, because...

413
00:17:12,852 --> 00:17:14,958
That you purposefully
ruin every relationship

414
00:17:14,958 --> 00:17:15,895
that could be good for you

415
00:17:15,895 --> 00:17:18,427
because you are a sad,
pathetic little child?

416
00:17:18,427 --> 00:17:19,165
Okay.

417
00:17:19,165 --> 00:17:22,260
Okay, all right, so you get the gist of it.

418
00:17:22,260 --> 00:17:23,084
Um...

419
00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:30,581
Look, I-I just... I want you to know,

420
00:17:30,581 --> 00:17:32,861
I-I didn't even kiss that
girl, and it was because of you,

421
00:17:32,861 --> 00:17:36,360
and I mean, it's... It
was because you came in,

422
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:37,509
but I don't think I would've done anything.

423
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:41,371
This is the worst apology ever.

424
00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:43,057
Look, I'm new to this.

425
00:17:43,057 --> 00:17:45,033
I'm new to relationships, okay?

426
00:17:45,033 --> 00:17:47,526
I-I'm like a baby, and...
and just like a baby,

427
00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:51,182
if you love it too much, then it could die.

428
00:17:52,872 --> 00:17:55,032
Have you ever met a baby?

429
00:17:55,769 --> 00:17:57,955
I mean, technically, you
can't ever really meet a baby

430
00:17:57,955 --> 00:18:00,238
'cause a baby can't be all like,
"Hi, I'm Steve the baby," or whatever.

431
00:18:04,381 --> 00:18:07,453
Look, I-I don't know how to
get close to people, all right?

432
00:18:07,453 --> 00:18:10,254
I just... I get so crazy and
everything gets magnified,

433
00:18:10,254 --> 00:18:11,722
even your breathing, it's like...

434
00:18:11,722 --> 00:18:12,618
How do I breathe?

435
00:18:12,618 --> 00:18:15,030
Just in and out over and over
again. It's not your fault.

436
00:18:17,122 --> 00:18:20,881
The point is all this
happened because I-I was...

437
00:18:20,881 --> 00:18:24,324
I was trying to get... close to you.

438
00:18:24,324 --> 00:18:26,159
[Sighs] I-I'm trying.

439
00:18:26,159 --> 00:18:27,114
This is me trying,

440
00:18:27,114 --> 00:18:31,893
and that's... that's...
that's... that's new for me.

441
00:18:31,893 --> 00:18:33,006
I-I...

442
00:18:34,789 --> 00:18:36,646
Sabrina, let me keep trying.

443
00:18:38,146 --> 00:18:40,890
Look, I really appreciate that,

444
00:18:41,983 --> 00:18:43,990
but I'm not about to be

445
00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:47,311
anybody's relationship
training wheels, okay?

446
00:18:47,311 --> 00:18:49,666
You really hurt me.

447
00:18:49,666 --> 00:18:52,354
So, goodbye, Danny.

448
00:18:59,133 --> 00:19:00,300
Ooh.

449
00:19:00,300 --> 00:19:01,982
Uh, well, that sucked.

450
00:19:04,627 --> 00:19:06,004
I'm a mess, huh?

451
00:19:06,737 --> 00:19:07,504
No.

452
00:19:08,079 --> 00:19:11,255
No, no, no. You are not a mess, all right?

453
00:19:11,255 --> 00:19:13,100
You put yourself out there.

454
00:19:13,100 --> 00:19:16,116
Which means the next time
that you're with a great girl,

455
00:19:16,116 --> 00:19:17,245
whether it's Sabrina or somebody else,

456
00:19:17,245 --> 00:19:17,970
you'll be ready.

457
00:19:17,970 --> 00:19:19,260
Danny, you're growing up.

458
00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:22,626
I'm proud of you. [Chuckles]

459
00:19:22,626 --> 00:19:25,853
I mean, this is probably
what Geppetto felt like

460
00:19:25,853 --> 00:19:27,329
when Pinocchio became a real boy.

461
00:19:33,626 --> 00:19:36,146
When she... when Sabrina left,

462
00:19:36,146 --> 00:19:37,875
why did she go in your
office and not out the door?

463
00:19:37,875 --> 00:19:39,809
All right, don't get mad.

464
00:19:41,576 --> 00:19:44,093
It's just I thought
this whole Sabrina thing

465
00:19:44,093 --> 00:19:45,429
was gonna go a lot differently,

466
00:19:45,429 --> 00:19:47,436
because I'm a romantic and
I like to think like that.

467
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,704
And you know that we needed somebody

468
00:19:49,704 --> 00:19:51,441
to cover Nicki's waitress shifts.

469
00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:53,265
Baby bird, whoa, whoa.
What did you just do?

470
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:05,068
Well, that one's on the house.

471
00:20:05,068 --> 00:20:06,154
[Chuckles]

472
00:20:06,154 --> 00:20:08,360
Anybody else need a beer?

473
00:20:12,817 --> 00:20:13,591
I'm gonna kill you.

474
00:20:16,066 --> 00:20:17,282
Okay.

475
00:20:17,874 --> 00:20:19,138
So, I've named my penis.

476
00:20:21,195 --> 00:20:22,507
It's a mouthful.

477
00:20:25,230 --> 00:20:27,953
No, it's not... it's
not... it's not a mouthful,

478
00:20:27,953 --> 00:20:29,251
it's... I'll ju... I'll
just show it to you.

479
00:20:29,251 --> 00:20:30,423
I'm...

480
00:20:30,423 --> 00:20:33,055
<i>I'm not gonna show it to you. Aah!</i>

481
00:20:35,468 --> 00:20:37,319
Aww, you went with my suggestion.

482
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:39,011
Thank you.

483
00:20:41,293 --> 00:20:42,235
Yep.

484
00:20:42,235 --> 00:20:44,378
And it's already spread like wildfire.

485
00:20:44,378 --> 00:20:46,072
How'd you make it happen so fast?

486
00:20:46,072 --> 00:20:48,151
I asked a gay man to keep a secret.

487
00:20:50,805 --> 00:20:54,133
Well, now I feel responsible for him.

488
00:20:54,133 --> 00:20:56,166
I-I want to know about his life.

489
00:20:56,166 --> 00:20:58,033
Will you keep me updated? Will you...?

490
00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,604
Will you let me know if
he makes any new friends.

491
00:21:03,252 --> 00:21:05,273
Yes. Of course.

492
00:21:05,273 --> 00:21:10,409
God... I'm getting emotional
about naming my gay friend's penis.

493
00:21:10,409 --> 00:21:13,625
Maybe time to ask myself
some hard questions.

494
00:21:15,824 --> 00:21:19,471
Well I'll tell you what they told
me my first day at nursing school.

495
00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:22,505
White girls are crazy.

496
00:21:27,217 --> 00:21:31,701
Synced and corrected by Mastermonger.
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